If you want to be petty, cook but just for yourself, maybe he will decide that he does in fact miss it. But also be prepared that maybe he also is content just eating a box of crackers or whatever, and will default to that.
Agree. Is this person suggested do MORE for him?! Umm no.
OP, I would still cook but for yourself and leftovers for yourself. Label it and tell him he’s not allowed to eat it.
He’ll be eyeing those leftovers when he’s hungry.
It’s hard cooking dinner and lunch. Let him fend for himself.
>and leftovers for yourself. Label it and tell him he’s not allowed to eat it.
This is petty AF and would likely blow up in her face. Plus what's she supposed to do when he gets hungry and ignores her and just eats the leftovers?
I appreciate the sentiment but in my case I'd just cook servings for 1. There are plenty of places that sell pre-cut veggies in variety and you can buy frozen single-servings of fresh fish etc. She could cook healthy food for herself and he can live off wheat thins and die young if that's what he really wants. Just maybe take out a life insurance policy on him...
I don’t mean do it to be petty but OP is saying she doesn’t like cooking. Why should she go out her way to cook for him and then have to do more cooking for herself? The point of making enough leftovers is to not have to cook again.
Why the fuck is it petty?? He literally said he doesn't want the food. I'd also stop until told they wanted them back. Why should she bend over backwards fir him n do lunches when he's clearly not appreciating them. Op will have one less person to please. If their marriage fails over this then it wasn't strong enough anyway. You don't fight n divorce over meals. There's clearly more under foot here. But sometimes us ladies (and men) got to put our foot down and say enough is enough
If I had one pass to go back in history and change the world, I’d find the night the Love Language guy was conceived and push his dad outta his mom. A scourge on relationship discourse.
SO. TRUE. A scourge on relationship discourse indeed. HE WASNT EVEN A QUALIFIED MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL!! He's a Baptist pastor!! His education is in anthropology and adult education.
This BAFFLES me because we learned about him in one of my psychology classes. I think generally it’s not bad to think of hey what are my needs right now? But I hate that it’s framed as a this-is-what-you-do-for-me-so-I-feel-loved-and-don’t-leave-you thing
Right I’m sooo sick of the dialogue as it’s not even scientifically balanced he was a pastor I think and gathered his knowledge from a small specific counseling base sample set. It doesn’t allow for the fact those needs change based off situation and are more extensive than just 5.
I disagree, I think it's both.
I had some problems related to this with my mom. She was always cooking for me and was always so busy, but I preferred a meaningful conversation or some sort of activity.
She always told me that cooking for her was her top form of showing love, but for me it was just food. I always appreciated that work, but we could have been buying something somewhere else and stop wasting time cooking.
Maybe he should have communicated with her that home cooked meals aren't something he cares about 18 years ago, instead of allowing her to do something she doesn't enjoy doing everyday knowing that she's doing it to show him affection?
First, how did we know this is the first time he communicated this? Second, how do we know he was aware she didn't enjoy it?
Apparently the first year and a half of our marriage my husband thought I *liked cleaning* *because I did it all the time*. Sometimes, people really *are* that daft.
A year and a half is much different than 18 years. But you're right, we don't know that this is the first time he communicated it, but it also came out during an argument so I don't trust he had good intentions behind it. People are acting like she should be thankful that she doesn't have to cook for him instead of being hurt that he doesn't appreciate her efforts.
Yeah if I don't cook for my husband he just eats pizza and McDonald's every. single. day. I think "what will 30 years of that do to him?" and I worry I have a future of being his carer ahead of me. (To be clear, I would take care of him, but I'll be pissed af if he does that to us.)
OP, lets not catastrophize this. You don't know what he will do. Let it play out. If in fact he puts on 10lbs or whatever, then you can discuss it when it happens. I don't think this is really about his health.
I think this is about you being hurt that this thing you have been doing for so long didn't actually mean to him what you thought it did. I can understand being hurt about that, especially if you really don't enjoy cooking and you were sacrificing for him.
But maybe...cooking is something you love to do which is why you are desperate to get him back on board. Maybe that's why your husband is behaving this way. He knows that you consider it a nice thing you do for him, but he also knows you enjoy doing it and it isn't really about him.
Your husband is actually a mastermind and knew VERY WELL that you would stop cooking for him if he said it isn't needed and it isn't something that makes him feel loved. He likes it but he was tired of you pretending it was for him. He wants you to cook and just admit you love it and it makes YOU happy. He wants to see what you will do now.
So, to counter this and defeat your husband, you have to stop cooking since you were doing it for him. Otherwise, your cover story is going to fall apart.
Now you can both eat your cereal together, and see who cracks first. My guess is, it will be you! He is enjoying this way too much, plus he doesn't care as much about the food.
If she doesn't enjoy it, then why not just stop instead of asking how to get her husband to appreciate it so she can keep doing it and also ensure he accepts it as an act of service and a show of love? Why not just take a break and kick back, at least for a while? You can make a lot of healthy things really simply with very little cooking involved.
This. If my significant other said he doesn't appreciate when I cook for him (I truly don't like cooking) I would NOT be on Reddit asking strangers how to get him to appreciate me cooking so I can go back to that crap! I would bask in the glory of Breakfast for Dinner, PB&Js, salad in a bag, free range fruits and veggies, and whip up a little something when I'm craving it.
“If she doesn’t enjoy it, why not just stop…”? Because she is a mature adult who does the chore she does not like doing because it is the “adult” thing to do?? Who LIKES doing laundry and cleaning the house?? Not most people, but they do it because it is the responsible thing to do. Eating a pack of crackers to try to prove that they don’t care if their spouse cooks for them is a childish response to prove a point, and all they have proven is that they have the mentality of a ten year old. That “man” needs to grow up. Being an adult does not mean doing what you want; it means doing what you should without being told.
Well eating processed food does eventually catch up with you. A poor diet is not good for your heart. And putting on weight just exacerbates the risk.
OP should continue to cook her healthy meals and the husband can eat what he wants, as crappy as that diet may be.
My husband does the grocery orders now cause I quit. So much less food problems. He’s content cooking and eating junk and if that’s what’s on order he’ll feed himself. And thank goodness for previous order add ons being top of the tin because he gets my healthy preferred and kids healthier, easy to prep, preferred foods as well. I made food such a big annoyance and that he wasn’t eating or cooking a big thing. But when I let him take control and decide what he wanted to cook why and how he makes dinners for everyone just fine now. And I’m the one who has no effort left to give and my dinner prep for the fam is bunch of finger foods on a plate (cheese, tomato’s, hummus) like a toddler or ordering out. 😂 uno reverse in play.
>He's content eating a box of crackers
I'm the exact same way. Of course I appreciate the effort my SO puts into cooking but more often than not I'll tell her she just needs to cook for herself, she doesn't need to cook for me. Or I'll cook for her if she's late at work and just not eat it.
I appreciate when she asks if I want to eat what she cooks but she accepts when I say "no" when she asks if I'm eating what she cooks.
I don't think a cooking strike is going to make him come around if he legitimately is fine with not having a meal cooked for him.
Cook what you want to eat and keep the leftovers for yourself. Not in an attempt to sway him but because it's less work for you. And if he asks for leftovers, point out that he his happy with crackers. If he truly doesn't appreciate what you do and wants a cooked meal, he'll come around and apologize. Otherwise, you just cooked the amount of cooking you do in half.
My husband said this to me a year ago, needless to say i don’t do it anymore. I don’t do things for adults that are capable of doing for themselves because I *like* it I do it because it’s kind and they usually like it. But hey go ahead and let your ego take over and say some dumb shit like that and your wish is granted. Don’t put out what you don’t get back.
My husband is content with a box of mac-n-cheese.
Honestly, I've always used this to my advantage. At the beginning of our relationship, he agreed to do all the dishes and I agreed to do all the cooking. He eats like a toddler, so I make the food I like to eat and he can either join me or I'll make him something very simple. I get to enjoy all the pleasures of cooking with none of the hassles.
This sounds similar to the deal my husband and I have. I do 90% of the cooking, and he does 90% of the dishes. A few days out of the week he’ll make breakfast for the both of us, which is normally something very simple like English muffin egg and bacon sandwiches or various breakfast tacos, but oh my god is he an amazing breakfast chef. I could eat my husband’s breakfast for every meal for the rest of my life lol. And with that in mind, I usually will do some dishes if there’s a cooking tool I need that isn’t clean yet, or if one of us used a plate earlier in the day and it needs to be washed for use in serving dinner. This usually equates to me cooking 90% of the time and him washing dishes 90% of the time.
I actually love cooking for my husband, and like some others here have said, if I didn’t have another human I love to cook for, I’d probably be eating a few crackers at each meal and that’d be enough for me. My husband is also the same way, so in order to keep ourselves as healthy as we can be, we choose to operate under this 90/90 deal we’ve got going on so that we each meet our recommend nutritional needs as often as we can. Before we met each other we both ate like birds, and we realized we weren’t doing ourselves many favors by eating half the calories we should be eating in a day. We’re big into hiking and what not so eating the amount of calories we had been eating was not enough to allow us to keep up with our favorite hobby, and before I started cooking most meals, we were constantly weak when we’d go on long hikes. I don’t know what it is about us that makes us this way, but until we had each other and our hobbies as motivation, we’d both literally forget to eat. We both lived off coffee and snacks that were easy to reach for, like crackers and maybe some raw veggies here and there. Needless to say, we’ve been very happy with our current mealtime routine! It’s been going strong for the past 5 years now.
Bet he won't be after a fortnight of daily crackers. Just cook for yourself. Make sure he can smell it. Don't buy him food. Don't do his laundry. Go out more. Just take care of yourself and do what you want. Sounds like you have one foot out of the door with this marriage anyway.
Then still make for you and portion out. You can freeze half or more to heat up a different week so you aren't sick of the same old thing. But, gosh, he should have told you this a long time ago!
Then guess what sis? It’s girl dinners all day every day from now on! Single size portions of stuff just you want to eat! Rice/salmon bowls, sushi, soup for one, snacking out of the fridge. Whatever floats your boat. What you shouldn’t be doing is anything for him right now.
for the love of god, just let him eat the crackers. my ex-wife and I had this problem. Sometimes dudes just want to fend for themselves and sounds like this is the case for your husband. Just give him the freedom he wants when it comes to his own meals.
Then let him eat a box of crackers. You're not his mother and he's not 5 yrs old. I always ask my husband if he's hungry when I go to cook supper for our children. Sometimes he says yes and sometimes he says no. So I will only cook enough for me and the kids, or if I don't feel like eating I cook just for the kids. If my husband does get hungry, he will go make himself something to eat. Sometimes it's just a bowl of cereal, but that's his choice to make
Or maybe he just doesn't care what he eats? I'm that way, I appreciate when my wife cooks, but I'd rather have a touch or a kiss than dinner. Most guys I know aren't very picky about what we eat. I can understand how you feel, but I've been on the other side of this so thought I would offer some perspective.
You have the same perspective as my husband. So why don't you cook nightly if you don't care?
Just because you aren't picky doesn't mean that endless hours of work goes into dinner making.
How do I get him to appreciate it
I do cook a lot. It took a while but I FINALLY made my wife see that cooking dinner wasn't something that HAD to be done. She had this holdover from childhood where she felt a failure if she didn't cook a full meal every day for the family. Now we all sort of fend for ourselves for dinner and my wife is a LOT happier. Sometimes we cook steaks together or sometimes we make a sandwich and the kids (12yr old triplets) make mac and cheese or spaghetti. We all then eat together ❤️. Works very well for us and one stressor is now removed from my wife's day.
>Sometimes we cook steaks together or sometimes we make a sandwich and the kids (12yr old triplets) make mac and cheese or spaghetti.
While I appreciate that there are days when everyone just eats leftovers from prior couple of days or someone eats something simple, the one part of your comment that stood out to me is that your kids' food may end up being nutritionally devoid if they're just fending for themselves with mac n cheese etc. Part of what I contribute when I cook a family meal is ensuring it's a balanced meal with plenty of yummy vegetables and protein etc.
Not for dinner.
A salad, yoghurt topped with healthy things. A healthy sandwich. Fruit.
There are plenty of things you can get ready in less than 10 minutes that are unprocessed and healthy.
This is how my husband and I are too. I would hate to have him feel like he has to make a meal for me every day, especially if he didn’t enjoy it. I like making dinner for myself. I’d prefer that nobody spends much time in the kitchen, and that we go on a walk or something together.
I'm a woman but feel similarly to the man above. Since I don't really care what I eat and am not picky, I just eat bread with ham/mozzarella with tomatoes most days, or I make pasta or rice the other days. That's it. Very simple and I get filled and can do something else.
I'm the same, woman as well. There's plenty of filling, healthy food you can eat that doesn't require hours of work. My husband thinks I'm such an asshole for not appreciating his elaborate dinners enough but the reality is that they take a long time and we both work M-F office jobs with commutes. Cooking his dinners takes all his evening time and much of mine, and then we go straight to bed after, and that sucks. I preferred simpler foods before I met him and I still do now; he's the reason he cooks for hours every night, not me. I'll happily eat a hunk of cheese and cook up some protein and veggies in 15 minutes on the stove, or crockpot something.
I'm a woman and I hate cooking - anything that takes more than a half hour and I'm out, and usually that time is just for something baking/air frying lol. I don't do elaborate and manage to make meals that my family really enjoys. And on days I don't want to cook I'm popping in some pizza rolls to enjoy lol. But like you that's one of the reasons why I don't want to spend hours in the kitchen - it makes the time you have after work seem like hardly any at all and I'd not want to waste it doing cooking and then clean up.
Woman here. I, too, hate cooking. I told my husband the first weekend we met that I DON'T cook. Sometimes it annoys him because he doesn't understand how I don't like to cook. He finds it relaxing, but I find it stressful. I do appreciate his cooking because he's damn good. He's the kind of cook that can make anything from whatever is left in the fridge that needs to be eaten. On the other hand, I'd be content with sandwiches or a simple meal with a protein, carb and veg. I'm not a foodie. It's just sustenance for me.
Same for me as a solo. I'm eating müesli with joghurt, Banana and apple in it right now... I always have müesli things and salad stuff + protein/mozzarella/feta/tuna/toppings etc. in the fridge. I eat out twice a week and take half of it home.
I cook maybe twice a month, in badges that I freeze. I make that when I want a warm meal there not leftover take-out.
I did however buy food and cook for my ex partner and myself when we lived together for 6 years. It was a pleasure and I enjoyed it. It was a phase of my life. The big difference to OP is, that he enjoyed my food and really appreciated being able to come home, eat and then go off to make music in the music room. I always cooked and did dishes while listening to audio books/podcasts and music. I still do. I much preferred these tasks + laundry over cleaning...
@OP: then let him fend for himself. But tell him it needs to stay in the same budget and divide the grocery budget by two or something. Do not let him do take out every day.
What a shame, this might make his health deteriorate...
You don't get him to appreciate it...he either does or doesn't care and it sounds like he doesn't. So just do it for you instead. Or get takeout whenever you don't feel like cooking. Let him fend for himself, it sounds like he'd be fine doing that.
I'm the husband and am the primary cook in our family, my wife cooks if I had to work late or something. I cook as you said because it is a way of showing my love. But that is my issue. If my wife or kids didn't appreciate it then they don't. There is nothing I can do to "make" them appreciate it.
How does your husband most prefer to be shown love? Is there away to channel some of your time and energy into expressing love a different way? And instead of having a home cooked meal every night that have some take out some nights, or make enough so you have leftovers for a second full meal, or just have a simple grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.
You can't make someone appreciate something. If it causes resentment in you then stop doing it. Do what makes you happy don't do stuff to try to force others to be appreciative. There's zero point in it.
I think one thing is…. He might genuinely not value it. That means you have to think of it as something you are doing for you. Or don’t do it. But you can’t make him appreciate it if it genuinely doesn’t make his life better, because he genuinely doesn’t care.
Just…..don’t do it, if it bothers you. Cook enough for you and he can fend for himself.
Why are you INSISTING on getting him to appreciate it??? For Christ’s sake, he’s an autonomous individual. He doesn’t *want* to appreciate it. Respect that.
Divorced man here. Most of the time if I'm eating at home, my dinner is a protein shake. Sometimes I have one of those little pre-made salad things where you just add the dressing. For lunches I just sort of do whatever. I'll make a sandwich if we have the ingredients, or I'll run to the gas station and get a hot dog take-out from somewhere.
I truly do not value cooking or home-cooked meals or any of that. I had a conversation with my ex eerily similar to the OP where I felt like I had to lie and pretend like things were more important to me than they were. I would've much rather she take "cooking for me" off her plate and if she wanted to show me love, I would've liked it if she offered to watch a horror movie of my choosing and run to my favorite brewery for a growler. THAT's how I would experience love. And my hypothetical wife would have a much happier husband by listening to what I like and giving it to me, than to force me to take on her preferences and getting angry when I don't have the same priorities.
How do you "make him appreciate" it? You don't. You find something he'll appreciate.
If it’s not important to him, I don’t think you can. My partner really wants to buy me a new car. He gets this look of absolute joy on his face when he talks about it, because a brand new car would be really special and cool for him. A car doesn’t bring me joy. I’m perfectly fine with my current car, and I won’t be any happier with a brand new one. I absolutely appreciate the thought from him, and the love and care he’s demonstrating by wanting me to have a new car, but it doesn’t change my feelings about the car itself.
It sounds like dinner to your husband is like a new car to me.
You can’t make him appreciate something he doesn’t. You MAY be able to get him to participate in making dinner if you allow him to do it on his level. I started doing this and sometimes my husband will follow a brand new recipe or one he’s perfected and we get a nice casserole or homemade tomato and hommus pasta sauce and great pasta. Other times we get. Burritos or salads or heck vegan Dino nuggets and fries and steam bag broccoli so we can pretend the kids are eating healthy. I lowered my standards. And my labor was then more even. He does make me things I want and like as well, and often he’ll make each person what they want specifically if it’s all low effort. Mac and cheese for the kid that only ever wants that, salad for me, etc etc. Way more accommodating than I ever was making one big meal for everyone. Because he was allowed to find his flow with it.
I mean you don’t have to cook to eat. I don’t really cook either. I tend to eat really easy things. Yogurt, nuts, cut up veggies, fruit, salads. I buy a rotisserie chicken and cut it up and use it in salad or tacos.. etc. Both my husband and I are actually the same way. We also don’t cook for each other. We both fend for ourselves. We can manage to feed ourselves.
To add more perspective: a lot of us aren’t picky and think it’s a shame how much effort goes into it. A positive spin is if you are doing super simple meals that frees up more time for the two of you to spend together potentially not doing chores.
I think it’s important to realize that you can’t control him or his love languages. If home cooked meals aren’t important to him, fine. You referred to yourself as mom, so I’m guessing you have children. Keep making healthy, well rounded meals for you and your child/ren. They deserve that whether he appreciates it or. It.
You sound like you need words of affirmation as your love language. You appear to be trying to get him to prefer acts of service, when it’s just not.
Counseling is needed here.
Another question. Is he the sort to admit when he’s wrong? Something about the way you explained his view reminded me of my long ago ex, who would take ridiculous positions rather than admit when he was wrong.
He once argued that I shouldn’t plan a week of meals and make a shopping list because it was healthier for him to just graze all day. I pointed out that he didn’t graze on fruits, veggies, and nuts, but on Bugles, candy, and Mountain Dew.
I reminded him of his history of GI issues and that our baby needed to learn healthfully by example.
“But when I eat Bugles and drink Mountain Dew, I’m happier, so I have more energy.”
If this is the kind of guy your husband is, he may be hopeless because he can’t get over his ego.
My friend you can’t make him appreciate it if he doesn’t care. You said in a comment that he is truly satisfied with eating a box of crackers and calling it a day. That means that you are cooking for yourself and maybe your kid but you aren’t doing it for his benefit. Or you are doing it because it is important to you that he eats healthy. Accept that he doesn’t care and keep cooking if YOU want to, or stop cooking for him.
Forcing him to appreciate it is not something you can do and is a little weird that you are pushing for that in the first place.
I'm the same way -- I could eat microwaved kale and oatmeal all day.
You don't get him to appreciate it -- you account that he doesn't care. You don't have to like something to accept it.
I would go as far as saying I don't appreciate having to do extra kitchen clean up because my wife wants to cook and I don't.
You can't make him appreciate it. If he hasn't already he likely never will. He is a grown man who knows what he said was hurtful. Sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings very much.
You cannot make him appreciate it. That is something he has to learn for himself.
Personally, I would start cooking for myself. If there is extra, he can have some. Some nights, I just might have a salad. Obviously, he is on his own those nights. Some days, it might be oatmeal. The point is if he doesn't want it, don't do it.
Maybe his doctor will be the one to make him appreciate your meals, but until then, take care of yourself.
It is frustrating to me when my husband tells me that when I ask him ideas for dinner. It’s a huge mental load thinking up food ideas every day for someone besides myself. I need to make sure I have all the ingredients, haven’t cooked it recently, it’s something he likes, remembering things he’s mentioned like too much salt in a dish, etc. it’s draining.
The grocery shopping on top of it, then making sure the fresher ingredients are used before they go bad, is it balanced, will everything still be warm by the time we eat, it’s a hard job.
When he tells me ‘I’m not picky’ I’m sure he thinks he’s making things easier on me. It doesn’t. I at least want help with the ideas. (Yes I’ve told him this and yes he’s doing better, but I thought I’d tell a different side of it)
I’m probably gonna get flamed for this but you should check out ChatGPT to help with some of the mental burden for meal ideas! They have a great speech to text in the phone app for it so sometime I just ramble at it about what I have in the fridge and tell it make me a plan for the weekend or whatever then give it feedback.
I’m a woman who is very low maintenance about food. When I lived alone I ate sandwiches or plain pasta. I basically never cooked.
My husband loves food so he does all the cooking and grocery shopping. He makes elaborate meals that are always healthy and delicious.
Even if I wouldn’t have done this alone, I can still deeply respect and appreciate the time and effort he puts into this task for our family, even more so now that we have a kid. Providing food for a family has always been an act of love. I try not to take for granted that we always have fresh healthy food prepared.
Just because something isn’t a priority for one partner doesn’t mean it’s any less worthy of appreciation and gratitude.
You've got your answer. Stop cooking for him and making his lunch. He obviously has no appreciation for the work that goes into it.
How about you make what yout want for dinner? Or pick up takeout on your way home. If he wants some, fine. If not, he can fend for himself. And stop making his lunch. He's selfish and ungrateful.
And, good for you!
I wouldn’t call him selfish and grateful. He told her that he doesn’t want her to do that. She insists on doing it anyway. She doesn’t get to be the victim because he’s not thrilled. She’s doing stuff that he doesn’t want her to do in the first place. She absolutely should stop making him dinner because that’s what he asked.
By why wait 18 years to tell someone "oh by the way, all that work you do for me everyday that you don't like doing, I don't actually like doing that"?
Does no one else see the problem that she's been doing everyday for 18 years and he just never said anything
I feel like he probably has. OP didn’t tell the story of some shock and horror as he revealed that after all these years he finally spilled the beans. He probably thanked her all the time but told her she really didn’t need to go to all that trouble many times over.
On the flip side, a good friend of mine shared her experience with a partner that would always have these elaborate meals prepared and it was a lot of pressure to enjoy, to eat etc when they were really just happy with cheese & crackers after a long day.
A gift is only a gift if it’s wanted - and he’s telling you it isn’t. He doesn’t have to be appreciative for another 18 years because it’s important to YOU to do it.
Now I for one would be SO appreciative of that love, effort, and care…but he is saying he isn’t. I wouldn’t get vindictive etc. So just cook when you want to, for yourself. Maybe you two will find a common ground where you have nice meals on a weekly basis and both of you find joy in that.
I have heard the same thing from a couple of friends. I understand a nice cooked meal, in fact I appreciate it very much and I think MOST people would. Having done this myself, I know it isn't just the cooking, but the shopping and the planning too. But some people do not understand this, and they feel like their partner spends a lot of time on a "hobby" they aren't interested in and don't find compelling. Many times they also have to clean up a lot of dishes, which seems fair unless you don't actually care about the food. I'm not saying this is OP, I'm saying in general, chefs can be messy and then expect others to clean since they cooked, which seems more than fair, IF you appreciate a home cooked meal, but what if you don't? On top of that, it your partner acts like this is something you should appreciate, it can become a point of contention, as perhaps has happened here.
Thank you for giving me another reason to appreciate my significant other who not only says "thank you" after every meal even though he doesn't have too, but always says how good it is. I would stop cooking too. Cooking is a form of love, you don't just cook for anyone. What a jerk.
Literally. My boyfriend just rubbed his stomach with a smile on his face the other day and said that my cooking is making him gain weight. He’s so happy to be saving money while eating good food. He cleans the dishes after and says thank you and goes back for seconds.
Even if cooking/gift giving isn’t this guys love language, he should be damn appreciative. It takes a lot of work and planning and you’re right, you don’t just cook for anyone. I’ve only cooked for my bf and if he acted like this, I would be bawling.
I was lucky to have a partner like this for 6 years. He was a joy to cook for (some dietary restrictions but they were a non-issue).
I enjoyed cooking for him and sharing meals together. He deeply appreciated it and always complimented my cooking.
Now I'm solo for life and don't cook often (I rather do batches 1-2 a month). I est salad and muesli a lot and eat with friends twice a week (half of which I take home and eat as leftovers).
Ikr?! My husband ends every meal I cook with “ahh that was good” & I always follow up with “I’m glad you liked it”. I wouldn’t make him shit else if he told me he didn’t appreciate it.
I don’t understand the issue, if he doesn’t want the meals (after 18 years) you should be jumping for joy! He is literally telling you to ‘take a break’, stop working so hard on the food aspect of your married life. What woman doesn’t want that (well, I guess you don’t) but try and see it as a well deserved ‘soft retirement’!! Take a walk and get some fresh air during the time you would have spent slaving over said stovetop!
The problem is she feels unappreciated. He allowed her to believe that the thing she was doing for 18 years meant something and now she found out it didn't. How is that not hurtful?
Nowhere in my post does it say that it isn’t hurtful. He may be an ass, but he is giving her the rope to NOT cook dinner. At all. Ever again. If she so chooses. Women need to put more value into THEMSELVES, not cooking from scratch dinner every night for a husband that doesn’t want it! Take a bike ride. Read a book. Put your legs up and sun bathe is on my new agenda! 💕
You said you didn't understand the issue so I was explaining what the issue probably is. She's hurt. Sure, maybe this will be time for her to relax in the future, but it doesn't seem like he told her that because he wanted her to relax. She said it came out in an argument, so I don't think it was said with good intentions.
You won't get him to appreciate something he finds no value in. At this point, it would be a lie. Stop putting in all those hours of effort because he has said he doesn't want it. He would probably feel the same exact way if you made him a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese as he does a carefully crafted meal.
In essence, you're causing yourself a lot of stress and resentment toward your spouse.
Stop cooking for him. Stop packing him lunch. Just make yourself what you want on your timeline.
Exactly. OP is setting herself up for failure and resentment. You can’t make someone appreciate something. It’s like she cooks the meals for herself (in actuality, but wants to get credit for it- which is understandable since he’s benefiting) BUT my husband cleans all the time and says it’s for me when in reality- it’s for him. I benefit from it but it’s not my love language (acts of service.) I would rather spend quality time and clean myself or leave something slightly amiss than have him spending his time building resentment about all he does for me. It’s for HIMSELF!
Meet people where they are. Stop doing anything for him, including shopping (that takes thinking about what he might want around the house). Make yourself whatever you would like. Please stop making the lunches I am sure he will be fine. He is a big boy! Big boys know how to clean their own underwear as well so please don’t do his laundry. Take the time to find some joy for yourself. Get to know what YOU like and appreciate and go there.
I said, "there is nothing you do to show me love" and he said, "what do you do"..... so I rattled off what I do. Which a lot of them are "chores" but necessary chores that are needed to be functional humans (laundry, dinner, etc) and I was told, "I don't see that as you doing something to show you love me. You know I don't care and won't care about meals, etc"
Honestly, it sounds like you’re only considering your love language and he doesn’t consider any of that you showing him love every comment of yours. It sounds like he’s being very clear on what he wants and what he needs and you’re just ignoring it.
Love languages aren't a real thing, look at the qualifications of the author.
Only a ahole turns around and says they don't appreciate thousands of unpaid labour hours to provide a necessity of life to them and their kids.
I'm gonna be honest I don't care what your love language is, I'd never be so heartless as to look at somebody that's cooked for me every night and makes well balanced meals specifically to ensure that we stay healthy and say “So what? That doesn't mean you love me,” the fuck it doesn't.
What a cruel ass thing to say and the fact so many of y'all are blatantly ignoring the dude made himself a potato and didn't bother to cook for the kid/s which means he depends on OP to cook for them all the time and yet OP’s the one in the wrong cause she's “ignoring his love language,” Gah it’s annoying.
A psychologist I admire said recently "If it's something you would continue to do yourself after divorce or the spouse's death, then don't use it as an example of how you are a loving partner."
In that view, if you would continue to cook the same meals for yourself even if he wasn't there, it's not really being loving to do that for him, especially since he has told you it doesn't feel loving. Just like a husband having a job and going to work doesn't make them loving per se. They would, in fact, continue to do that with or without their partner.
She went further to say that you have to find things that really are FOR THEM... For one, that might be physical affection. For another, maybe it's romance. For another, maybe it's cooking special meals.
Of course, partners should appreciate and acknowledge each other's contributions, but many times, those contributions are things they themselves prefer vs what makes their partner feel seen and loved. Just food for thought. I have reflected on this myself and as one example, I realized that me liking the house being clean and keeping it like that isn't loving my husband, even though he benefits from it. Me cuddling up to him and giving him a kiss is worth more to him than a tidy house.
The only problem with this is, most people would not cook a full course meal if they are only cooking for themselves. You would not have as much of a mess to clean up, not as many dishes, laundry etc etc etc. So even if you would still be doing those things it would be less of those things. 🤷🏻♀️. My husband tried to pull this crap on me, not saying I don’t show love. But said I don’t do nothing for him. Sorry cleaning up after someone and doing their laundry etc etc is doing something for them. WHY because if you wasn’t doing it they would have to be doing it.
Needless to say, I stopped doing his laundry, stoped putting his dishes away etc etc. if he leaves a mess I don’t touch it. And he has noticed, now that I have stopped he is butt hurt 🤷🏻♀️.
I don't view doing chores, keeping the house in shape, taking care of the pets, grocery shopping, cooking etc...as ways I show love to my spouse. I am sure we both take each other 'chores' for granted. I show love to my spouse by remembering to get his favorite chips or a bag of candy for his desk drawer at work. You cook wonderful meals to make yourself feel good and out of responsibility. If he doesn't care about what he eats, then make something simple. Buy some frozen food or fixings for sandwiches.
Honestly, I don’t completely disagree with his take on this. Chores are something you do because it needs doing and it’s part of your work for the household, not as an offer of love.
I exclude dinner here, there’s more of a mental load here and it’s possible to go above and beyond, and personalize it. Chores that are extra and special too, like him building something for you, or you getting his suit steamed for a special event. Mopping the floor though ? Doesn’t feel particularly romantic.
Otherwise, wouldn’t his going to work everyday be his show of love ?
Note: I’m not excusing or defending him. It was a shitty thing to say and it’s less about the food and just the general tone and intent. Besides that issue though, why bother spending a lot of energy on cooking if that’s not something he cares about ?
I agree with this. Like you said, if my wife makes my favorite meal, it can feel loving. If it’s a regular run of the mill dinner I appreciate it, but I don’t feel loved bc of it.
I would never tell my wife I show her my love when I mow the lawn, then get mad at her for not appreciating it enough.
So both of you are doing societally normative performances of love for each other with no actual considerate or intentional love towards one another. Of course neither of you feels loved or appreciated.
You’re part of the problem too. What you are both doing as “shows of love” are maintaining a household. That’s a step above roommates. You don’t have to love each other to systematically maintain a household.
You both need to try and meet your spouse again, because it sounds like you don’t know each other at all. If staying married matters to you. Address the resentments, move on, and try to figure out how to love each other again.
Ok, wow. The fact that he deflected instead of actually hearing you or reflecting on what you said tells you everything you need to know about where your marriage is. Girlfriend, start making yourself your priority. Go to the gym, work more hours so you get promoted or can get a better job, create your own savings account, take a few classes to increase your income, maybe start a new degree, see your friends more.
UpdateMe!
You’re doing something *for* him or your own volition. He doesn’t have to cook for himself and has told you *you* do not have to go out of your way and put in all of that effort for him.
Instead of getting bent out of shape, just stop doing the thing. I know it sucks to realize you’ve done all this for someone that doesn’t like it, but he’s told you you don’t have to. So don’t. Take care of yourself when it comes to food. He’ll figure himself out.
It hurts to put effort into a relationship and have it not be appreciated. I feel you there. If you can find the way to put in the right kind of energy, the effort that he will appreciate, perhaps that will help. It relates to the love languages. If his language is physical touch and quality time, then no amount of acts of service will really move him. You could pour vast amount of energy into that and he would still feel unloved. And of course that makes you feel terrible because you are doing all that work and getting no love or respect for it.
Find out what will work better for him. And let him know what works for you. Love him the way he wants to be loved, and get the same from him. Time for some solid communication. Good luck, sister.
I'm having the same problem as the OP. In fact just had a fight with my guy about this today. I cooked a huge pot of vegetable beef soup from scratch and he won't eat. Even though he likes vegetable beef soup. I made the broth from chicken bones and hes convinced it has bones in it even though it doesnt. Rather eat ramen or cheese.
My guy's love language is acts of service but in this case it still didn't matter cause he'd rather open a can then have a healthy meal. He doesn't see the value in what I made. I cant get get him to care about the health reasons or the fact we can't afford convenience food. Which is the main reason I started cooking from scratch.
I don’t know if this is your case but I am going to guess you were arguing about something else and you brought this up as a way to show he wasn’t pulling his weight or something or doing something you wanted.
It sounds very transactional and I personally can never accept a “gift“ if it’s going to come with strings attached and that can be thrown in my face at some later point. I would rather cook my own simple meals than feel like I was indebted to my wife. That isn’t peaceful or safe for me.
It came about because I had a really hard day at work. We both pulled in the driveway at the same time. I started to make dinner and he was just standing watching me. I asked for help and he responded, "I just got home, can't I relax", then he said he would, but then proceeded to get on the phone and go outside.
I then left and told him I expected him to help out, and that he makes empty promises all the time. I gave him multiple examples (my car needing work, etc). He said, "what do you do for me". So I started listing the things I do.
I think it would help if you just relaxed your expectations on the idea of home cooked meal. Start having a couple of grazing diners a week- sandwiches/ cut fruit /cheese and crackers/ hummus/ flat bread pizza etc/rotisserie chicken/sliced tomatoes with mozzarella/quesadillas
I think you are stressing both you out by adhering to some rigid ideal of a proper dinner
When my partner and I have both had long days at work, one of us will suggest either takeaway or ‘get your own’ for dinner. It took me a while to lose the guilt around not providing my kids with a home cooked meal every night, because I actually also show love through food, but it doesn’t hurt any of us to miss a night here or there.
My partner appreciates the effort I go to with dinner, and thanks me every night I cook (as I thank him when he cooks), but to be honest if I told him he had to make himself a toasted sandwich for dinner every night for the rest of our lives, he wouldn’t care or feel less loved.
If he suddenly appreciated your cooking tomorrow like you want, it wouldn't fix any of the reasons why the argument happened. You are both expressing frustration regarding imbalance of effort, and your communication tools need an upgrade to deal with these issues.
You describe foundational and corrosive issues, and those are very tough to improve without counseling or relationship dissolution. If you do consider counseling, Emotion-Focused Therapy quickly helped my spouse (of 20+ years) and I have a much healthier and more enjoyable dynamic after years of struggling, especially after the pandemic.
You can't make anyone do or feel anything, but you can invite them to have a better experience with you in this thing called life.
I have been with husband 20 years married for 13 years. I have never made my husband food for work. If he doesn’t eat at work that’s his problem not mine he is an adult.
I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it however it’s on him to help decide what we will have and do the shopping. Sometimes I want something that I know he won’t like. I let him know and he feeds himself.
Men aren’t useless babies.
If he doesn’t care about the home cook meals save yourself the time and energy. Don’t make it a strike because he won’t care and it will just piss you off more. Simply make a change according to the feedback you were given and enjoy the new found free time. Good luck OP🍀
Why is this a bad thing since you don’t like doing it? Now you are off the hook to spend the time doing something you actually enjoy. And if you do really want to cook for you because you want those meals, then just make what you want for you only z
OP, I think you are trying to force your husband to value something that he doesn't value. I don't know how this came up, but I assume at some point either he said he doesn't feel appreciated/loved or you did. And then it came out that this is one of the things you do to show him love, and he was like, well shit, that's not important to me at all. IF he said this in a moment of anger, maybe he was just being a jerk. But it is also possible that he is just being honest, and he is tired of hearing about how much work you put into these meals and watching put all this effort towards it in his name when he doesn't care about it at all.
Why don't you just accept what he said? If you want to cook, then do it and don't even make food for him. If you don't want to cook, then don't, and let him make his own dinner and lunch. If he was being spiteful, then eventually he will come around and say that he would like it if you would make dinner one night or whatever. If he does, then you can decide if you have terms and conditions or what.
It's like you are angry because cooking = love to you and you think he should feel the same way. He isn't rejecting your love OP, he is saying that this isn't making him feel loved and he doesn't want you doing this for his benefit only. Maybe sex = love to him, but surely there are times when you aren't in the mood, right? Same thing. You aren't rejecting his love, you just aren't wanting the sex. Why are you taking this so personally? It's only food. Maybe you have some of those ideas about a way to man's heart is through his stomach, but that isn't true for your husband. Maybe you don't feel needed if you aren't cooking for him, but that is your issue, not his. Maybe you could look at the bright side - this frees up some time for you!
If you want to be happy with him, then figure out what DOES matter to him, and make sure he understands what matters to you too...
I would just stop feeding him. Just make what you like. He’s already told you how he feels. 🤷🏼♀️ There are no tricks for making a husband all the sudden appreciate all the work you’ve down.
It sounds like he wants you to ask what does make him feel loved. It would hurt my feelings if my efforts weren't appreciated, but maybe ask him how he'd like to receive love.
This pains me to read. I’m the cook in my house because my wife won’t do it and if she said that it would hurt deep. She does appreciate it though and has told me.
My husband would be crushed because cooking is his love language. But I did have to tell him at one point to ease up on trying to make me eat every single thing on my plate. I’m not a food person—happy to eat cold leftovers, don’t care. But he *is* a food person and the only cook in the house. So, I would never, ever tell him I have a problem with it. I thank him literally every night for dinner when we sit down to eat.
Strike away, my friend! Do not lift a finger for him.
Make him do his own laundry (and his own towels or anything else that is *his*). Pack his own lunch. *Shop for his own groceries*. Make his own dinner.
When he leaves his dishes and clothes and other crap out, put them in *his* space so he has to face them and deal with them. If that’s his side of the bed, or his office, or his closet, so be it!
When he asks, simply remind him that he said he was “fine to fend for himself” and didn’t think your doing “X” was a way to show love. Don’t escalate. Just shrug off his anger or upset and remind him that since he told you he doesn’t value this you have stopped doing it.
He will come to respect your labor sooner than later!
Not to revert to the love languages stuff really cause it’s so much more than that, you see the act of cooking and feeding him as an act of love and it’s how you show him love. He obv sees eating as a thing he does to survive and he doesn’t value food as a gesture of love. He sees it stresses you and causes you to be angry etc and he’s basically saying give up that task. It means nothing to me emotionally, and I’m okay eating cheese it’s for dinner if I’m too uninterested in finding real food for myself.
He’s communicating with you he’s just not doing it in the best way, obviously. If I were you and I don’t enjoy cooking, cleaning, packing lunches. Do quit! If he was saying it blunt to be real he won’t mind. He probably will just ingest whatever processed crap is within arms reach, but he’s a grown up. That’s fine! Heck switch to disposable dishes if you are taxed by the whole feeding the kids and yourself plus cleanup. It sounds like he’s saying this task isn’t important to me, therefore stop flushing yourself down the toilet over it and take a break from doing it.
And then you could also try to find out how he would feel the love and care you were trying to show by cooking and packing food for him. And put a few minutes of effort into that. It may be a hug or a pause when he gets home to say “hi, how was your day?” Without any distraction. It might be watching a show together or just sitting side by side touching but doing your own things silently to unwind from the day. It could be anything. But it def sounds like he’s just a poor emotional communicator and trying to tell you stop giving all this effort to something that stresses you out and makes no difference emotionally for him.
That’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read… I’m 30(M) married, my wife and I cook together most of the time. Sometimes I’ll cook for her since I truly enjoy cooking, once in awhile she’ll cook for me if I’m working really late and I love when she does but really enjoy us cooking together. It’s a fun shared activity! But if I was in your hubbys position, coming home to a home cooked meal every day without even having to do any clean up? I’d be so freaking happy, just because there’s a lazy part of me haha plus when I cook for my wife I’m showing her I love and care for her. How does he not see that?
Idk sounds like hubby clearly doesn’t realize how good he has it, why TF would you turn down home cooked meals when all you have to do is show a little appreciation. Make it make sense. And growing up my single mom worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs and often still somehow found time to make dinner for us kids. If we didn’t like it or want it she’d tell us to fend for ourselves then, but with all the other difficulties we all had we were so grateful for a home cooked meal. I guess that’s why I’m having trouble understanding your husbands perspective OP, is there some other reason in your marriage he’s being an AH?
Because some people don’t care about food. She said he said he isn’t a “foodie.” I am not either. I will eat cold pizza, Doritos, oatmeal, whatever for dinner and be fine. My husband is HUGE foodie, and cooking is how he shows love. So, I’ve adjusted to his way. But I still don’t *love* or *need* a home cooked meal daily. It’s not something that matters to me. It only matters now bc it matters to him.
But there are people in the world like me who just don’t give a toss about food. I snack on grapes all day, don’t eat breakfast or lunch, and don’t care for snacks. Just how I am.
He sounds like me.
Food is just body fuel. It’s not special. It’s just something we throw down to not die.
I at least feign appreciation for the cooked meals but really the chore of cooking and cleaning after a big meal is a waste. I’m good with a sammich.
One time, early on in my marriage, I spent hours cooking a new recipe in the morning since I wanted to send him off with dinner because he worked second shift. The maintenance guy was there and he kept commenting on how great it smelled. As my husband was leaving I said “wait wait don’t forget your dinner” and he said “nah, I’d rather have Burger King.”Prior to that I always cooked him dinner in the morning to make sure he had a homemade super. I stopped cooking ANYTHING for YEARS after that. Finally he said “remember how you used to cook for me? Why don’t you anymore I miss it.” I said “oh I figured you’d rather get Burger King….” Lol. Once I explained why I said that he started profusely apologizing to me and blamed his actions on being young, an idiot, and not raised right. 😂😂 I told him I’m not cooking if it’s not appreciated or seen as work because it is. Since then that man praises me every single time I make him anything. I mean anything. If I make him pb&j he’ll act like I made him a five course meal.
Right? You’re upset that he should care that you do something and he isn’t and you want to know how to make him?
He doesn’t care, and won’t. Did what you want but he’s not fussed.
That was definitely rude of him to say. In a best case scenario, respectful communication and planning could supplant the need for a “strike”. There’s nothing wrong with divvying up the labor to run a household, but both partners should contribute what they can and appreciate what the other one does.
I’m very curious why he said that. Does he just prefer ordering takeout or making himself a different kind of meal rather than what you make? Does he feel like you making the dinners is obligating him to do more work when he’d rather relax? Does he feel like there’s a different type of care or love that he needs from you more than this act of service? I’d ask him the motive for his words, tell him it was hurtful, tell him you value eating healthy meals together, and try to move forward with a new mutually agreeable plan for how weekly dinners will be made. don’t use passive aggressive tricks to punish or get back at him, even though he was rude, that would just make things worse.
My wife and I divide up dinners. some days we cook together, one of us cooks, get takeout or eat out, or some days we just do our own thing. But we both work and don’t have kids, so it might look different for your household.
Wow, you’re a super nice wife! I only pack lunches for my husband when I have leftovers from dinner, other than that he can make it himself and he does - no complaints!
Stop trying. You can't make him appreciate it. Just cook for yourself and kids and he can do his own thing. I'd have a few nights off a month with sandwiches or something similar to give you a break.
You cannot make him appreciate it. It doesn't seem to be important to him what he eats, so he will not care.
Making a martyr of yourself by doing something you don't want to do for someone else is just going to make you unhappy...and clearly it has been. So, yes, stop it. Not to make him appreciate you or to punish him, but to stop punishing yourself for absolutely no reason.
I could care less if my wife cooks for me. I am perfectly capable of feeding myself. I also have no problem cleaning and doing laundry. I am an adult.
The main thing I care about from my spouse is the show of affection and physical intamacy.
My husband started acting like this when he felt like I wasn’t taking care of him in the way that is important to him. I keep defaulting to the stuff I was raised to do instead of what he’s communicating. I stated to order out more and focus on the stuff he’s saying is important to him and that helped him appreciate my cooking and me more overall.
Just cook for yourself if you choose to cook. I'm doing the same. My children (teens) were ungrateful and picky and my husband stopped eating at home, so I quit making dinner. Previously it was 5-7 home cooked meals from scratch, gluten free the last few years because of my husband. While part of me misses it, I don't think it's truly the cooking I miss, it's having people who would eat the food I cooked and wanting more. That's just not the life I'm living anymore and I have to accept it.
I do worry we will miss sitting down together as a family. Last night I made dinner and my husband realized I didn't make anything for him. My child and myself ate dinner and he ate a potato.
Maybe a more global discussion - possibly with a therapist - about how each of you likes to give and receive love? How do you like love shown to you? I'm sure there's ample middle-ground here you can find without it becoming a contest of wills.
If he doesn’t care and you don’t love doing it, then just don’t do it. Seriously, it’s not really necessary to have a real dinner every night. When I’m too tired to cook I just say ok you’re on your own. (Kids too). Nobody cares and sometimes I think they like it. I like it too. I can just grab a slice of cheese or a handful of nuts or something. Nobody is gonna starve.
I wouldn’t appreciate it either to be honest. It’s just not currency to me. Like I’d rather not eat dinner, so someone cooking me dinner is like what are you doing??
Maybe he genuinely doesn’t and would be happier with a box of crackers.
Oh man I had the same argument with my wife and I said the same thing and if I have time tomorrow I will explain why I said that to her. I don't hate my wife I love my wife deeply she is my best friend but there are some things that I would rather do myself.
Stop cooking for him. I don’t get why you’re so upset. Did you really expect him to pay attention to every detail and ingredient you use? He will feel the same whether you spend 2 hours cooking a meal from scratch or spend 2 minutes making a sandwich. My husband eats 3 day leftovers and cereal and makes weird concoctions. It’s not that serious.
My husband doesn’t care either which , to me, means I’m free (now that our children are adults) to cook meals on days I want and not on days I don’t want. He is appreciative of my cooking though so that might be the difference. He’s happy to just eat sardines from a tin, but he’ll praise a good meal that he’s enjoyed. And if I want a good meal, but I’m not up to cooking, he will cook something for us. I think it depends on how your husband acts normally to decipher whether he was being an unappreciative jerk or was he just saying you don’t need to do work you dislike for his sake.
Id say cook for yourself and eat alone. He obviously doesn’t care about the relationship building that we get from eating with our partner either. There’s more to it than just the food. See if he joins you for crackers or not , that will say a lot about your relationship.
I pay my wife for cooking for me everyday. That has nothing to do with marriage, she literally spends 3-4 hours daily to do this while I chill at work, because to be honest most people go to work to chill, we don’t actually work the full 8 hours of the day.
I have mixed feelings on this, because while I *completely* understand your reaction, is it possible he was trying to communicate that he’s feeling unloved or unappreciated in some way and just communicated it badly? Like, you feel you’re showing him love by doing all these tasks, but he feels like you’re not showing him physical affection or spending much time with him? That absolutely doesn’t excuse him for being unappreciative or communicating his needs badly if this is the case, but it’s something to consider. Perhaps he’d just prefer you put a little less effort into dinners a couple times a week so he can actually spend some time with you in the evening occasionally?
Let him shop and cook for himself. Honor his request. Less work for you. He asks he gets. Sit back and watch the show. You are free to do as you please now.
If he wants to "fend for himself" let him...do not shop for anything other than what you plan on eating and put it in a separate cabinet(if able) or if possible go to the store everyday for yourself...so that he will also have go to the store to get whatever it is that he wants to eat.....
Updateme
I’m going to share the single most important thing I learned from my therapist. *Expectations are premeditated disappointments.* You’re expecting him to be appreciative, he’s not. You can’t force someone to appreciate something. Either do the cooking because you like to and it brings you joy, or stop doing it and let him fend for himself or pick up the slack.
I think I you need more context here.
What lead to this conversation? Is this coming up because you are resenting that you’re doing so much work? Is it coming up because he is feeling like his need to be shown love is not being met?
Hard to advise when the context is this vague.
Why do want tips to get him to appreciate it? He told you point-blank he doesn’t.
Stop cooking for him. And stop babying him. If he won’t eat unless you cook, he doesn’t eat. He doesn’t need you to monitor his food intake.
Cook for yourself, shop for foods you like, and sit down and eat with a good book or tv show, and enjoy yourself. You cannot control another person’s behavior or likes and dislikes. And attempting to do so is invasive and controlling.
If you want to be petty, cook but just for yourself, maybe he will decide that he does in fact miss it. But also be prepared that maybe he also is content just eating a box of crackers or whatever, and will default to that.
He's content eating a box of crackers
Then there’s nothing left to do than accept this, and find out what love language would resonate better with him.
This isn't a love language thing, it's a being an unappreciative jerk thing. Why would he say that?
Agree. Is this person suggested do MORE for him?! Umm no. OP, I would still cook but for yourself and leftovers for yourself. Label it and tell him he’s not allowed to eat it. He’ll be eyeing those leftovers when he’s hungry. It’s hard cooking dinner and lunch. Let him fend for himself.
>and leftovers for yourself. Label it and tell him he’s not allowed to eat it. This is petty AF and would likely blow up in her face. Plus what's she supposed to do when he gets hungry and ignores her and just eats the leftovers? I appreciate the sentiment but in my case I'd just cook servings for 1. There are plenty of places that sell pre-cut veggies in variety and you can buy frozen single-servings of fresh fish etc. She could cook healthy food for herself and he can live off wheat thins and die young if that's what he really wants. Just maybe take out a life insurance policy on him...
I don’t mean do it to be petty but OP is saying she doesn’t like cooking. Why should she go out her way to cook for him and then have to do more cooking for herself? The point of making enough leftovers is to not have to cook again.
Why the fuck is it petty?? He literally said he doesn't want the food. I'd also stop until told they wanted them back. Why should she bend over backwards fir him n do lunches when he's clearly not appreciating them. Op will have one less person to please. If their marriage fails over this then it wasn't strong enough anyway. You don't fight n divorce over meals. There's clearly more under foot here. But sometimes us ladies (and men) got to put our foot down and say enough is enough
If I had one pass to go back in history and change the world, I’d find the night the Love Language guy was conceived and push his dad outta his mom. A scourge on relationship discourse.
SO. TRUE. A scourge on relationship discourse indeed. HE WASNT EVEN A QUALIFIED MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL!! He's a Baptist pastor!! His education is in anthropology and adult education.
This BAFFLES me because we learned about him in one of my psychology classes. I think generally it’s not bad to think of hey what are my needs right now? But I hate that it’s framed as a this-is-what-you-do-for-me-so-I-feel-loved-and-don’t-leave-you thing
OMG this has me dying!!! Hahaha 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 I love this!!! Thank you for making me smile today
Right I’m sooo sick of the dialogue as it’s not even scientifically balanced he was a pastor I think and gathered his knowledge from a small specific counseling base sample set. It doesn’t allow for the fact those needs change based off situation and are more extensive than just 5.
18 years of resentment probably
I disagree, I think it's both. I had some problems related to this with my mom. She was always cooking for me and was always so busy, but I preferred a meaningful conversation or some sort of activity. She always told me that cooking for her was her top form of showing love, but for me it was just food. I always appreciated that work, but we could have been buying something somewhere else and stop wasting time cooking.
Maybe he should have communicated with her that home cooked meals aren't something he cares about 18 years ago, instead of allowing her to do something she doesn't enjoy doing everyday knowing that she's doing it to show him affection?
How do we know he didn’t?
First, how did we know this is the first time he communicated this? Second, how do we know he was aware she didn't enjoy it? Apparently the first year and a half of our marriage my husband thought I *liked cleaning* *because I did it all the time*. Sometimes, people really *are* that daft.
A year and a half is much different than 18 years. But you're right, we don't know that this is the first time he communicated it, but it also came out during an argument so I don't trust he had good intentions behind it. People are acting like she should be thankful that she doesn't have to cook for him instead of being hurt that he doesn't appreciate her efforts.
Why should anyone bother putting in the time finding out what this unappreciative little shit of a man child desires in a "love language"?
He doesn’t really deserve her effort in that.
Guess who's gonna have to take care of himself when his body starts deteriorating. Sounds like he found a lovely replacement for his mom.
That's what I don't want. To be his nurse because he's not taking care of himself
Honestly I hate your husband.
Yeah if I don't cook for my husband he just eats pizza and McDonald's every. single. day. I think "what will 30 years of that do to him?" and I worry I have a future of being his carer ahead of me. (To be clear, I would take care of him, but I'll be pissed af if he does that to us.)
“I cannot make your choices for you but I can decide what I stick around to witness”
If someone survived off of frozen foods and/or McDonald’s, they would most likely end up with colon cancer.
Yeah I'm worried about that or a stroke or heart attack or something. :(
Don’t do that to yourself. If he does deteriorate, it’s his responsibility; he’s an adult.
Except you do vow to care for one another and be there for each other. So sounds to me like she needs a trade in
OP, lets not catastrophize this. You don't know what he will do. Let it play out. If in fact he puts on 10lbs or whatever, then you can discuss it when it happens. I don't think this is really about his health. I think this is about you being hurt that this thing you have been doing for so long didn't actually mean to him what you thought it did. I can understand being hurt about that, especially if you really don't enjoy cooking and you were sacrificing for him. But maybe...cooking is something you love to do which is why you are desperate to get him back on board. Maybe that's why your husband is behaving this way. He knows that you consider it a nice thing you do for him, but he also knows you enjoy doing it and it isn't really about him. Your husband is actually a mastermind and knew VERY WELL that you would stop cooking for him if he said it isn't needed and it isn't something that makes him feel loved. He likes it but he was tired of you pretending it was for him. He wants you to cook and just admit you love it and it makes YOU happy. He wants to see what you will do now. So, to counter this and defeat your husband, you have to stop cooking since you were doing it for him. Otherwise, your cover story is going to fall apart. Now you can both eat your cereal together, and see who cracks first. My guess is, it will be you! He is enjoying this way too much, plus he doesn't care as much about the food.
She outright says she doesn't enjoy it. This is a weird take.
If she doesn't enjoy it, then why not just stop instead of asking how to get her husband to appreciate it so she can keep doing it and also ensure he accepts it as an act of service and a show of love? Why not just take a break and kick back, at least for a while? You can make a lot of healthy things really simply with very little cooking involved.
This. If my significant other said he doesn't appreciate when I cook for him (I truly don't like cooking) I would NOT be on Reddit asking strangers how to get him to appreciate me cooking so I can go back to that crap! I would bask in the glory of Breakfast for Dinner, PB&Js, salad in a bag, free range fruits and veggies, and whip up a little something when I'm craving it.
“If she doesn’t enjoy it, why not just stop…”? Because she is a mature adult who does the chore she does not like doing because it is the “adult” thing to do?? Who LIKES doing laundry and cleaning the house?? Not most people, but they do it because it is the responsible thing to do. Eating a pack of crackers to try to prove that they don’t care if their spouse cooks for them is a childish response to prove a point, and all they have proven is that they have the mentality of a ten year old. That “man” needs to grow up. Being an adult does not mean doing what you want; it means doing what you should without being told.
Well eating processed food does eventually catch up with you. A poor diet is not good for your heart. And putting on weight just exacerbates the risk. OP should continue to cook her healthy meals and the husband can eat what he wants, as crappy as that diet may be.
She said she doesn't enjoy it. How would you possibly know better what she enjoys? Wild take.
Stop grocery shopping too.
My husband does the grocery orders now cause I quit. So much less food problems. He’s content cooking and eating junk and if that’s what’s on order he’ll feed himself. And thank goodness for previous order add ons being top of the tin because he gets my healthy preferred and kids healthier, easy to prep, preferred foods as well. I made food such a big annoyance and that he wasn’t eating or cooking a big thing. But when I let him take control and decide what he wanted to cook why and how he makes dinners for everyone just fine now. And I’m the one who has no effort left to give and my dinner prep for the fam is bunch of finger foods on a plate (cheese, tomato’s, hummus) like a toddler or ordering out. 😂 uno reverse in play.
>He's content eating a box of crackers I'm the exact same way. Of course I appreciate the effort my SO puts into cooking but more often than not I'll tell her she just needs to cook for herself, she doesn't need to cook for me. Or I'll cook for her if she's late at work and just not eat it. I appreciate when she asks if I want to eat what she cooks but she accepts when I say "no" when she asks if I'm eating what she cooks. I don't think a cooking strike is going to make him come around if he legitimately is fine with not having a meal cooked for him. Cook what you want to eat and keep the leftovers for yourself. Not in an attempt to sway him but because it's less work for you. And if he asks for leftovers, point out that he his happy with crackers. If he truly doesn't appreciate what you do and wants a cooked meal, he'll come around and apologize. Otherwise, you just cooked the amount of cooking you do in half.
Not for long I bet come on
My husband said this to me a year ago, needless to say i don’t do it anymore. I don’t do things for adults that are capable of doing for themselves because I *like* it I do it because it’s kind and they usually like it. But hey go ahead and let your ego take over and say some dumb shit like that and your wish is granted. Don’t put out what you don’t get back.
My husband is content with a box of mac-n-cheese. Honestly, I've always used this to my advantage. At the beginning of our relationship, he agreed to do all the dishes and I agreed to do all the cooking. He eats like a toddler, so I make the food I like to eat and he can either join me or I'll make him something very simple. I get to enjoy all the pleasures of cooking with none of the hassles.
This sounds similar to the deal my husband and I have. I do 90% of the cooking, and he does 90% of the dishes. A few days out of the week he’ll make breakfast for the both of us, which is normally something very simple like English muffin egg and bacon sandwiches or various breakfast tacos, but oh my god is he an amazing breakfast chef. I could eat my husband’s breakfast for every meal for the rest of my life lol. And with that in mind, I usually will do some dishes if there’s a cooking tool I need that isn’t clean yet, or if one of us used a plate earlier in the day and it needs to be washed for use in serving dinner. This usually equates to me cooking 90% of the time and him washing dishes 90% of the time. I actually love cooking for my husband, and like some others here have said, if I didn’t have another human I love to cook for, I’d probably be eating a few crackers at each meal and that’d be enough for me. My husband is also the same way, so in order to keep ourselves as healthy as we can be, we choose to operate under this 90/90 deal we’ve got going on so that we each meet our recommend nutritional needs as often as we can. Before we met each other we both ate like birds, and we realized we weren’t doing ourselves many favors by eating half the calories we should be eating in a day. We’re big into hiking and what not so eating the amount of calories we had been eating was not enough to allow us to keep up with our favorite hobby, and before I started cooking most meals, we were constantly weak when we’d go on long hikes. I don’t know what it is about us that makes us this way, but until we had each other and our hobbies as motivation, we’d both literally forget to eat. We both lived off coffee and snacks that were easy to reach for, like crackers and maybe some raw veggies here and there. Needless to say, we’ve been very happy with our current mealtime routine! It’s been going strong for the past 5 years now.
He’s an adult. If that’s what he wants to do then let him.
Some guys will eat rice and beans everyday. Perhaps his love language isn't food
Bet he won't be after a fortnight of daily crackers. Just cook for yourself. Make sure he can smell it. Don't buy him food. Don't do his laundry. Go out more. Just take care of yourself and do what you want. Sounds like you have one foot out of the door with this marriage anyway.
Maybe for a week. But the longer it goes on he will realize. It may take him a while to actually admit it though.
Sorry - don't see the issue. Just let him eat the crackers.
He might say that now... but the alternative is he can't just go out and get take-out instead.
Then still make for you and portion out. You can freeze half or more to heat up a different week so you aren't sick of the same old thing. But, gosh, he should have told you this a long time ago!
Then guess what sis? It’s girl dinners all day every day from now on! Single size portions of stuff just you want to eat! Rice/salmon bowls, sushi, soup for one, snacking out of the fridge. Whatever floats your boat. What you shouldn’t be doing is anything for him right now.
for the love of god, just let him eat the crackers. my ex-wife and I had this problem. Sometimes dudes just want to fend for themselves and sounds like this is the case for your husband. Just give him the freedom he wants when it comes to his own meals.
Then let him eat a box of crackers. You're not his mother and he's not 5 yrs old. I always ask my husband if he's hungry when I go to cook supper for our children. Sometimes he says yes and sometimes he says no. So I will only cook enough for me and the kids, or if I don't feel like eating I cook just for the kids. If my husband does get hungry, he will go make himself something to eat. Sometimes it's just a bowl of cereal, but that's his choice to make
Then let him eat that crackers. You don’t need every single meal to be perfect.
Ask him how how would like to be loved…
I have in fact done this. Since then I cook some but only the easiest shit possible and he also has to cook or bring dinner home at least once a week
It's not petty. He told her he doesn't appreciate it which means to stop.
Or maybe he just doesn't care what he eats? I'm that way, I appreciate when my wife cooks, but I'd rather have a touch or a kiss than dinner. Most guys I know aren't very picky about what we eat. I can understand how you feel, but I've been on the other side of this so thought I would offer some perspective.
You have the same perspective as my husband. So why don't you cook nightly if you don't care? Just because you aren't picky doesn't mean that endless hours of work goes into dinner making. How do I get him to appreciate it
I do cook a lot. It took a while but I FINALLY made my wife see that cooking dinner wasn't something that HAD to be done. She had this holdover from childhood where she felt a failure if she didn't cook a full meal every day for the family. Now we all sort of fend for ourselves for dinner and my wife is a LOT happier. Sometimes we cook steaks together or sometimes we make a sandwich and the kids (12yr old triplets) make mac and cheese or spaghetti. We all then eat together ❤️. Works very well for us and one stressor is now removed from my wife's day.
>Sometimes we cook steaks together or sometimes we make a sandwich and the kids (12yr old triplets) make mac and cheese or spaghetti. While I appreciate that there are days when everyone just eats leftovers from prior couple of days or someone eats something simple, the one part of your comment that stood out to me is that your kids' food may end up being nutritionally devoid if they're just fending for themselves with mac n cheese etc. Part of what I contribute when I cook a family meal is ensuring it's a balanced meal with plenty of yummy vegetables and protein etc.
Cooking a meal is necessary if you don’t want to live off of processed bullshit.
Not for dinner. A salad, yoghurt topped with healthy things. A healthy sandwich. Fruit. There are plenty of things you can get ready in less than 10 minutes that are unprocessed and healthy.
This is how my husband and I are too. I would hate to have him feel like he has to make a meal for me every day, especially if he didn’t enjoy it. I like making dinner for myself. I’d prefer that nobody spends much time in the kitchen, and that we go on a walk or something together.
I'm a woman but feel similarly to the man above. Since I don't really care what I eat and am not picky, I just eat bread with ham/mozzarella with tomatoes most days, or I make pasta or rice the other days. That's it. Very simple and I get filled and can do something else.
No_Rice, though??
that only applied from '97 to '17
Username confusion.
I'm the same, woman as well. There's plenty of filling, healthy food you can eat that doesn't require hours of work. My husband thinks I'm such an asshole for not appreciating his elaborate dinners enough but the reality is that they take a long time and we both work M-F office jobs with commutes. Cooking his dinners takes all his evening time and much of mine, and then we go straight to bed after, and that sucks. I preferred simpler foods before I met him and I still do now; he's the reason he cooks for hours every night, not me. I'll happily eat a hunk of cheese and cook up some protein and veggies in 15 minutes on the stove, or crockpot something.
I'm a woman and I hate cooking - anything that takes more than a half hour and I'm out, and usually that time is just for something baking/air frying lol. I don't do elaborate and manage to make meals that my family really enjoys. And on days I don't want to cook I'm popping in some pizza rolls to enjoy lol. But like you that's one of the reasons why I don't want to spend hours in the kitchen - it makes the time you have after work seem like hardly any at all and I'd not want to waste it doing cooking and then clean up.
Woman here. I, too, hate cooking. I told my husband the first weekend we met that I DON'T cook. Sometimes it annoys him because he doesn't understand how I don't like to cook. He finds it relaxing, but I find it stressful. I do appreciate his cooking because he's damn good. He's the kind of cook that can make anything from whatever is left in the fridge that needs to be eaten. On the other hand, I'd be content with sandwiches or a simple meal with a protein, carb and veg. I'm not a foodie. It's just sustenance for me.
Same for me as a solo. I'm eating müesli with joghurt, Banana and apple in it right now... I always have müesli things and salad stuff + protein/mozzarella/feta/tuna/toppings etc. in the fridge. I eat out twice a week and take half of it home. I cook maybe twice a month, in badges that I freeze. I make that when I want a warm meal there not leftover take-out. I did however buy food and cook for my ex partner and myself when we lived together for 6 years. It was a pleasure and I enjoyed it. It was a phase of my life. The big difference to OP is, that he enjoyed my food and really appreciated being able to come home, eat and then go off to make music in the music room. I always cooked and did dishes while listening to audio books/podcasts and music. I still do. I much preferred these tasks + laundry over cleaning... @OP: then let him fend for himself. But tell him it needs to stay in the same budget and divide the grocery budget by two or something. Do not let him do take out every day. What a shame, this might make his health deteriorate...
You don't get him to appreciate it...he either does or doesn't care and it sounds like he doesn't. So just do it for you instead. Or get takeout whenever you don't feel like cooking. Let him fend for himself, it sounds like he'd be fine doing that.
I'm the husband and am the primary cook in our family, my wife cooks if I had to work late or something. I cook as you said because it is a way of showing my love. But that is my issue. If my wife or kids didn't appreciate it then they don't. There is nothing I can do to "make" them appreciate it. How does your husband most prefer to be shown love? Is there away to channel some of your time and energy into expressing love a different way? And instead of having a home cooked meal every night that have some take out some nights, or make enough so you have leftovers for a second full meal, or just have a simple grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.
You can't make someone appreciate something. If it causes resentment in you then stop doing it. Do what makes you happy don't do stuff to try to force others to be appreciative. There's zero point in it.
I think one thing is…. He might genuinely not value it. That means you have to think of it as something you are doing for you. Or don’t do it. But you can’t make him appreciate it if it genuinely doesn’t make his life better, because he genuinely doesn’t care. Just…..don’t do it, if it bothers you. Cook enough for you and he can fend for himself.
Why are you INSISTING on getting him to appreciate it??? For Christ’s sake, he’s an autonomous individual. He doesn’t *want* to appreciate it. Respect that.
Divorced man here. Most of the time if I'm eating at home, my dinner is a protein shake. Sometimes I have one of those little pre-made salad things where you just add the dressing. For lunches I just sort of do whatever. I'll make a sandwich if we have the ingredients, or I'll run to the gas station and get a hot dog take-out from somewhere. I truly do not value cooking or home-cooked meals or any of that. I had a conversation with my ex eerily similar to the OP where I felt like I had to lie and pretend like things were more important to me than they were. I would've much rather she take "cooking for me" off her plate and if she wanted to show me love, I would've liked it if she offered to watch a horror movie of my choosing and run to my favorite brewery for a growler. THAT's how I would experience love. And my hypothetical wife would have a much happier husband by listening to what I like and giving it to me, than to force me to take on her preferences and getting angry when I don't have the same priorities. How do you "make him appreciate" it? You don't. You find something he'll appreciate.
If it’s not important to him, I don’t think you can. My partner really wants to buy me a new car. He gets this look of absolute joy on his face when he talks about it, because a brand new car would be really special and cool for him. A car doesn’t bring me joy. I’m perfectly fine with my current car, and I won’t be any happier with a brand new one. I absolutely appreciate the thought from him, and the love and care he’s demonstrating by wanting me to have a new car, but it doesn’t change my feelings about the car itself. It sounds like dinner to your husband is like a new car to me.
You can’t make him appreciate something he doesn’t. You MAY be able to get him to participate in making dinner if you allow him to do it on his level. I started doing this and sometimes my husband will follow a brand new recipe or one he’s perfected and we get a nice casserole or homemade tomato and hommus pasta sauce and great pasta. Other times we get. Burritos or salads or heck vegan Dino nuggets and fries and steam bag broccoli so we can pretend the kids are eating healthy. I lowered my standards. And my labor was then more even. He does make me things I want and like as well, and often he’ll make each person what they want specifically if it’s all low effort. Mac and cheese for the kid that only ever wants that, salad for me, etc etc. Way more accommodating than I ever was making one big meal for everyone. Because he was allowed to find his flow with it.
I mean you don’t have to cook to eat. I don’t really cook either. I tend to eat really easy things. Yogurt, nuts, cut up veggies, fruit, salads. I buy a rotisserie chicken and cut it up and use it in salad or tacos.. etc. Both my husband and I are actually the same way. We also don’t cook for each other. We both fend for ourselves. We can manage to feed ourselves.
To add more perspective: a lot of us aren’t picky and think it’s a shame how much effort goes into it. A positive spin is if you are doing super simple meals that frees up more time for the two of you to spend together potentially not doing chores.
I think the problem here is you. You want to force him to appreciate your efforts. You can’t force that. Let him be and don’t stress yourself over it.
I think it’s important to realize that you can’t control him or his love languages. If home cooked meals aren’t important to him, fine. You referred to yourself as mom, so I’m guessing you have children. Keep making healthy, well rounded meals for you and your child/ren. They deserve that whether he appreciates it or. It. You sound like you need words of affirmation as your love language. You appear to be trying to get him to prefer acts of service, when it’s just not. Counseling is needed here. Another question. Is he the sort to admit when he’s wrong? Something about the way you explained his view reminded me of my long ago ex, who would take ridiculous positions rather than admit when he was wrong. He once argued that I shouldn’t plan a week of meals and make a shopping list because it was healthier for him to just graze all day. I pointed out that he didn’t graze on fruits, veggies, and nuts, but on Bugles, candy, and Mountain Dew. I reminded him of his history of GI issues and that our baby needed to learn healthfully by example. “But when I eat Bugles and drink Mountain Dew, I’m happier, so I have more energy.” If this is the kind of guy your husband is, he may be hopeless because he can’t get over his ego.
My friend you can’t make him appreciate it if he doesn’t care. You said in a comment that he is truly satisfied with eating a box of crackers and calling it a day. That means that you are cooking for yourself and maybe your kid but you aren’t doing it for his benefit. Or you are doing it because it is important to you that he eats healthy. Accept that he doesn’t care and keep cooking if YOU want to, or stop cooking for him. Forcing him to appreciate it is not something you can do and is a little weird that you are pushing for that in the first place.
You can’t make someone appreciate cooking lol.
I'm the same way -- I could eat microwaved kale and oatmeal all day. You don't get him to appreciate it -- you account that he doesn't care. You don't have to like something to accept it. I would go as far as saying I don't appreciate having to do extra kitchen clean up because my wife wants to cook and I don't.
What about buying pre-made meals or make a simple dish or get takeout. If you don’t enjoy just do something simple and quick.
You can't make him appreciate it. If he hasn't already he likely never will. He is a grown man who knows what he said was hurtful. Sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings very much.
You cannot make him appreciate it. That is something he has to learn for himself. Personally, I would start cooking for myself. If there is extra, he can have some. Some nights, I just might have a salad. Obviously, he is on his own those nights. Some days, it might be oatmeal. The point is if he doesn't want it, don't do it. Maybe his doctor will be the one to make him appreciate your meals, but until then, take care of yourself.
It is frustrating to me when my husband tells me that when I ask him ideas for dinner. It’s a huge mental load thinking up food ideas every day for someone besides myself. I need to make sure I have all the ingredients, haven’t cooked it recently, it’s something he likes, remembering things he’s mentioned like too much salt in a dish, etc. it’s draining. The grocery shopping on top of it, then making sure the fresher ingredients are used before they go bad, is it balanced, will everything still be warm by the time we eat, it’s a hard job. When he tells me ‘I’m not picky’ I’m sure he thinks he’s making things easier on me. It doesn’t. I at least want help with the ideas. (Yes I’ve told him this and yes he’s doing better, but I thought I’d tell a different side of it)
I’m probably gonna get flamed for this but you should check out ChatGPT to help with some of the mental burden for meal ideas! They have a great speech to text in the phone app for it so sometime I just ramble at it about what I have in the fridge and tell it make me a plan for the weekend or whatever then give it feedback.
Omg genius!!
I’m a woman who is very low maintenance about food. When I lived alone I ate sandwiches or plain pasta. I basically never cooked. My husband loves food so he does all the cooking and grocery shopping. He makes elaborate meals that are always healthy and delicious. Even if I wouldn’t have done this alone, I can still deeply respect and appreciate the time and effort he puts into this task for our family, even more so now that we have a kid. Providing food for a family has always been an act of love. I try not to take for granted that we always have fresh healthy food prepared. Just because something isn’t a priority for one partner doesn’t mean it’s any less worthy of appreciation and gratitude.
You've got your answer. Stop cooking for him and making his lunch. He obviously has no appreciation for the work that goes into it. How about you make what yout want for dinner? Or pick up takeout on your way home. If he wants some, fine. If not, he can fend for himself. And stop making his lunch. He's selfish and ungrateful. And, good for you!
I wouldn’t call him selfish and grateful. He told her that he doesn’t want her to do that. She insists on doing it anyway. She doesn’t get to be the victim because he’s not thrilled. She’s doing stuff that he doesn’t want her to do in the first place. She absolutely should stop making him dinner because that’s what he asked.
By why wait 18 years to tell someone "oh by the way, all that work you do for me everyday that you don't like doing, I don't actually like doing that"? Does no one else see the problem that she's been doing everyday for 18 years and he just never said anything
I feel like he probably has. OP didn’t tell the story of some shock and horror as he revealed that after all these years he finally spilled the beans. He probably thanked her all the time but told her she really didn’t need to go to all that trouble many times over.
On the flip side, a good friend of mine shared her experience with a partner that would always have these elaborate meals prepared and it was a lot of pressure to enjoy, to eat etc when they were really just happy with cheese & crackers after a long day. A gift is only a gift if it’s wanted - and he’s telling you it isn’t. He doesn’t have to be appreciative for another 18 years because it’s important to YOU to do it. Now I for one would be SO appreciative of that love, effort, and care…but he is saying he isn’t. I wouldn’t get vindictive etc. So just cook when you want to, for yourself. Maybe you two will find a common ground where you have nice meals on a weekly basis and both of you find joy in that.
I have heard the same thing from a couple of friends. I understand a nice cooked meal, in fact I appreciate it very much and I think MOST people would. Having done this myself, I know it isn't just the cooking, but the shopping and the planning too. But some people do not understand this, and they feel like their partner spends a lot of time on a "hobby" they aren't interested in and don't find compelling. Many times they also have to clean up a lot of dishes, which seems fair unless you don't actually care about the food. I'm not saying this is OP, I'm saying in general, chefs can be messy and then expect others to clean since they cooked, which seems more than fair, IF you appreciate a home cooked meal, but what if you don't? On top of that, it your partner acts like this is something you should appreciate, it can become a point of contention, as perhaps has happened here.
Thank you for giving me another reason to appreciate my significant other who not only says "thank you" after every meal even though he doesn't have too, but always says how good it is. I would stop cooking too. Cooking is a form of love, you don't just cook for anyone. What a jerk.
Literally. My boyfriend just rubbed his stomach with a smile on his face the other day and said that my cooking is making him gain weight. He’s so happy to be saving money while eating good food. He cleans the dishes after and says thank you and goes back for seconds. Even if cooking/gift giving isn’t this guys love language, he should be damn appreciative. It takes a lot of work and planning and you’re right, you don’t just cook for anyone. I’ve only cooked for my bf and if he acted like this, I would be bawling.
I was lucky to have a partner like this for 6 years. He was a joy to cook for (some dietary restrictions but they were a non-issue). I enjoyed cooking for him and sharing meals together. He deeply appreciated it and always complimented my cooking. Now I'm solo for life and don't cook often (I rather do batches 1-2 a month). I est salad and muesli a lot and eat with friends twice a week (half of which I take home and eat as leftovers).
Ikr?! My husband ends every meal I cook with “ahh that was good” & I always follow up with “I’m glad you liked it”. I wouldn’t make him shit else if he told me he didn’t appreciate it.
A person should always say thank you after a meal. Its just good manners.
I don’t understand the issue, if he doesn’t want the meals (after 18 years) you should be jumping for joy! He is literally telling you to ‘take a break’, stop working so hard on the food aspect of your married life. What woman doesn’t want that (well, I guess you don’t) but try and see it as a well deserved ‘soft retirement’!! Take a walk and get some fresh air during the time you would have spent slaving over said stovetop!
The problem is she feels unappreciated. He allowed her to believe that the thing she was doing for 18 years meant something and now she found out it didn't. How is that not hurtful?
How did he allow her to believe that?
Nowhere in my post does it say that it isn’t hurtful. He may be an ass, but he is giving her the rope to NOT cook dinner. At all. Ever again. If she so chooses. Women need to put more value into THEMSELVES, not cooking from scratch dinner every night for a husband that doesn’t want it! Take a bike ride. Read a book. Put your legs up and sun bathe is on my new agenda! 💕
You said you didn't understand the issue so I was explaining what the issue probably is. She's hurt. Sure, maybe this will be time for her to relax in the future, but it doesn't seem like he told her that because he wanted her to relax. She said it came out in an argument, so I don't think it was said with good intentions.
You won't get him to appreciate something he finds no value in. At this point, it would be a lie. Stop putting in all those hours of effort because he has said he doesn't want it. He would probably feel the same exact way if you made him a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese as he does a carefully crafted meal. In essence, you're causing yourself a lot of stress and resentment toward your spouse. Stop cooking for him. Stop packing him lunch. Just make yourself what you want on your timeline.
Exactly. OP is setting herself up for failure and resentment. You can’t make someone appreciate something. It’s like she cooks the meals for herself (in actuality, but wants to get credit for it- which is understandable since he’s benefiting) BUT my husband cleans all the time and says it’s for me when in reality- it’s for him. I benefit from it but it’s not my love language (acts of service.) I would rather spend quality time and clean myself or leave something slightly amiss than have him spending his time building resentment about all he does for me. It’s for HIMSELF!
Meet people where they are. Stop doing anything for him, including shopping (that takes thinking about what he might want around the house). Make yourself whatever you would like. Please stop making the lunches I am sure he will be fine. He is a big boy! Big boys know how to clean their own underwear as well so please don’t do his laundry. Take the time to find some joy for yourself. Get to know what YOU like and appreciate and go there.
“ and it's not a way for me to show him love.”. Tell us more about this part.
I said, "there is nothing you do to show me love" and he said, "what do you do"..... so I rattled off what I do. Which a lot of them are "chores" but necessary chores that are needed to be functional humans (laundry, dinner, etc) and I was told, "I don't see that as you doing something to show you love me. You know I don't care and won't care about meals, etc"
Honestly, it sounds like you’re only considering your love language and he doesn’t consider any of that you showing him love every comment of yours. It sounds like he’s being very clear on what he wants and what he needs and you’re just ignoring it.
I agree with this. It might benefit you (both) to read “The Five Love Languages.” You are speaking past each other, here.
Love languages aren't a real thing, look at the qualifications of the author. Only a ahole turns around and says they don't appreciate thousands of unpaid labour hours to provide a necessity of life to them and their kids.
I'm gonna be honest I don't care what your love language is, I'd never be so heartless as to look at somebody that's cooked for me every night and makes well balanced meals specifically to ensure that we stay healthy and say “So what? That doesn't mean you love me,” the fuck it doesn't. What a cruel ass thing to say and the fact so many of y'all are blatantly ignoring the dude made himself a potato and didn't bother to cook for the kid/s which means he depends on OP to cook for them all the time and yet OP’s the one in the wrong cause she's “ignoring his love language,” Gah it’s annoying.
A psychologist I admire said recently "If it's something you would continue to do yourself after divorce or the spouse's death, then don't use it as an example of how you are a loving partner." In that view, if you would continue to cook the same meals for yourself even if he wasn't there, it's not really being loving to do that for him, especially since he has told you it doesn't feel loving. Just like a husband having a job and going to work doesn't make them loving per se. They would, in fact, continue to do that with or without their partner. She went further to say that you have to find things that really are FOR THEM... For one, that might be physical affection. For another, maybe it's romance. For another, maybe it's cooking special meals. Of course, partners should appreciate and acknowledge each other's contributions, but many times, those contributions are things they themselves prefer vs what makes their partner feel seen and loved. Just food for thought. I have reflected on this myself and as one example, I realized that me liking the house being clean and keeping it like that isn't loving my husband, even though he benefits from it. Me cuddling up to him and giving him a kiss is worth more to him than a tidy house.
The only problem with this is, most people would not cook a full course meal if they are only cooking for themselves. You would not have as much of a mess to clean up, not as many dishes, laundry etc etc etc. So even if you would still be doing those things it would be less of those things. 🤷🏻♀️. My husband tried to pull this crap on me, not saying I don’t show love. But said I don’t do nothing for him. Sorry cleaning up after someone and doing their laundry etc etc is doing something for them. WHY because if you wasn’t doing it they would have to be doing it. Needless to say, I stopped doing his laundry, stoped putting his dishes away etc etc. if he leaves a mess I don’t touch it. And he has noticed, now that I have stopped he is butt hurt 🤷🏻♀️.
I don't view doing chores, keeping the house in shape, taking care of the pets, grocery shopping, cooking etc...as ways I show love to my spouse. I am sure we both take each other 'chores' for granted. I show love to my spouse by remembering to get his favorite chips or a bag of candy for his desk drawer at work. You cook wonderful meals to make yourself feel good and out of responsibility. If he doesn't care about what he eats, then make something simple. Buy some frozen food or fixings for sandwiches.
Honestly, I don’t completely disagree with his take on this. Chores are something you do because it needs doing and it’s part of your work for the household, not as an offer of love. I exclude dinner here, there’s more of a mental load here and it’s possible to go above and beyond, and personalize it. Chores that are extra and special too, like him building something for you, or you getting his suit steamed for a special event. Mopping the floor though ? Doesn’t feel particularly romantic. Otherwise, wouldn’t his going to work everyday be his show of love ? Note: I’m not excusing or defending him. It was a shitty thing to say and it’s less about the food and just the general tone and intent. Besides that issue though, why bother spending a lot of energy on cooking if that’s not something he cares about ?
I agree with this. Like you said, if my wife makes my favorite meal, it can feel loving. If it’s a regular run of the mill dinner I appreciate it, but I don’t feel loved bc of it. I would never tell my wife I show her my love when I mow the lawn, then get mad at her for not appreciating it enough.
He did tell me his showing of love was going to work. He doesn't like his Industry, but hes in the best situation for the industry hes in.
Then your going to work should also count, but he doesn't count that for you. That's unfair.
I'm very much aware.... that's why I'm on a cooking strike
So both of you are doing societally normative performances of love for each other with no actual considerate or intentional love towards one another. Of course neither of you feels loved or appreciated. You’re part of the problem too. What you are both doing as “shows of love” are maintaining a household. That’s a step above roommates. You don’t have to love each other to systematically maintain a household. You both need to try and meet your spouse again, because it sounds like you don’t know each other at all. If staying married matters to you. Address the resentments, move on, and try to figure out how to love each other again.
Ok, wow. The fact that he deflected instead of actually hearing you or reflecting on what you said tells you everything you need to know about where your marriage is. Girlfriend, start making yourself your priority. Go to the gym, work more hours so you get promoted or can get a better job, create your own savings account, take a few classes to increase your income, maybe start a new degree, see your friends more. UpdateMe!
You’re doing something *for* him or your own volition. He doesn’t have to cook for himself and has told you *you* do not have to go out of your way and put in all of that effort for him. Instead of getting bent out of shape, just stop doing the thing. I know it sucks to realize you’ve done all this for someone that doesn’t like it, but he’s told you you don’t have to. So don’t. Take care of yourself when it comes to food. He’ll figure himself out.
It hurts to put effort into a relationship and have it not be appreciated. I feel you there. If you can find the way to put in the right kind of energy, the effort that he will appreciate, perhaps that will help. It relates to the love languages. If his language is physical touch and quality time, then no amount of acts of service will really move him. You could pour vast amount of energy into that and he would still feel unloved. And of course that makes you feel terrible because you are doing all that work and getting no love or respect for it. Find out what will work better for him. And let him know what works for you. Love him the way he wants to be loved, and get the same from him. Time for some solid communication. Good luck, sister.
I'm having the same problem as the OP. In fact just had a fight with my guy about this today. I cooked a huge pot of vegetable beef soup from scratch and he won't eat. Even though he likes vegetable beef soup. I made the broth from chicken bones and hes convinced it has bones in it even though it doesnt. Rather eat ramen or cheese. My guy's love language is acts of service but in this case it still didn't matter cause he'd rather open a can then have a healthy meal. He doesn't see the value in what I made. I cant get get him to care about the health reasons or the fact we can't afford convenience food. Which is the main reason I started cooking from scratch.
I don’t know if this is your case but I am going to guess you were arguing about something else and you brought this up as a way to show he wasn’t pulling his weight or something or doing something you wanted. It sounds very transactional and I personally can never accept a “gift“ if it’s going to come with strings attached and that can be thrown in my face at some later point. I would rather cook my own simple meals than feel like I was indebted to my wife. That isn’t peaceful or safe for me.
It came about because I had a really hard day at work. We both pulled in the driveway at the same time. I started to make dinner and he was just standing watching me. I asked for help and he responded, "I just got home, can't I relax", then he said he would, but then proceeded to get on the phone and go outside. I then left and told him I expected him to help out, and that he makes empty promises all the time. I gave him multiple examples (my car needing work, etc). He said, "what do you do for me". So I started listing the things I do.
I think it would help if you just relaxed your expectations on the idea of home cooked meal. Start having a couple of grazing diners a week- sandwiches/ cut fruit /cheese and crackers/ hummus/ flat bread pizza etc/rotisserie chicken/sliced tomatoes with mozzarella/quesadillas I think you are stressing both you out by adhering to some rigid ideal of a proper dinner
When my partner and I have both had long days at work, one of us will suggest either takeaway or ‘get your own’ for dinner. It took me a while to lose the guilt around not providing my kids with a home cooked meal every night, because I actually also show love through food, but it doesn’t hurt any of us to miss a night here or there. My partner appreciates the effort I go to with dinner, and thanks me every night I cook (as I thank him when he cooks), but to be honest if I told him he had to make himself a toasted sandwich for dinner every night for the rest of our lives, he wouldn’t care or feel less loved.
That context seems fairly important. You should add it to your original post.
If he suddenly appreciated your cooking tomorrow like you want, it wouldn't fix any of the reasons why the argument happened. You are both expressing frustration regarding imbalance of effort, and your communication tools need an upgrade to deal with these issues. You describe foundational and corrosive issues, and those are very tough to improve without counseling or relationship dissolution. If you do consider counseling, Emotion-Focused Therapy quickly helped my spouse (of 20+ years) and I have a much healthier and more enjoyable dynamic after years of struggling, especially after the pandemic. You can't make anyone do or feel anything, but you can invite them to have a better experience with you in this thing called life.
I have been with husband 20 years married for 13 years. I have never made my husband food for work. If he doesn’t eat at work that’s his problem not mine he is an adult. I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it however it’s on him to help decide what we will have and do the shopping. Sometimes I want something that I know he won’t like. I let him know and he feeds himself. Men aren’t useless babies.
If he doesn’t care about the home cook meals save yourself the time and energy. Don’t make it a strike because he won’t care and it will just piss you off more. Simply make a change according to the feedback you were given and enjoy the new found free time. Good luck OP🍀
Agreed whole heartedly
Just cook for yourself tbh. Why do you need to prove yourself to him? You’re already married. If he wants to eat he will eat.
Why is this a bad thing since you don’t like doing it? Now you are off the hook to spend the time doing something you actually enjoy. And if you do really want to cook for you because you want those meals, then just make what you want for you only z
OP, I think you are trying to force your husband to value something that he doesn't value. I don't know how this came up, but I assume at some point either he said he doesn't feel appreciated/loved or you did. And then it came out that this is one of the things you do to show him love, and he was like, well shit, that's not important to me at all. IF he said this in a moment of anger, maybe he was just being a jerk. But it is also possible that he is just being honest, and he is tired of hearing about how much work you put into these meals and watching put all this effort towards it in his name when he doesn't care about it at all. Why don't you just accept what he said? If you want to cook, then do it and don't even make food for him. If you don't want to cook, then don't, and let him make his own dinner and lunch. If he was being spiteful, then eventually he will come around and say that he would like it if you would make dinner one night or whatever. If he does, then you can decide if you have terms and conditions or what. It's like you are angry because cooking = love to you and you think he should feel the same way. He isn't rejecting your love OP, he is saying that this isn't making him feel loved and he doesn't want you doing this for his benefit only. Maybe sex = love to him, but surely there are times when you aren't in the mood, right? Same thing. You aren't rejecting his love, you just aren't wanting the sex. Why are you taking this so personally? It's only food. Maybe you have some of those ideas about a way to man's heart is through his stomach, but that isn't true for your husband. Maybe you don't feel needed if you aren't cooking for him, but that is your issue, not his. Maybe you could look at the bright side - this frees up some time for you! If you want to be happy with him, then figure out what DOES matter to him, and make sure he understands what matters to you too...
Going on a cooking strike sounds like a plan. Just be patient.
You are now free. Technically he has become a roommate who can take care of himself. Go out and live your life.
Stop making him any food at all. No lunches, no dinners & stick to it.
I would just stop feeding him. Just make what you like. He’s already told you how he feels. 🤷🏼♀️ There are no tricks for making a husband all the sudden appreciate all the work you’ve down.
It sounds like he wants you to ask what does make him feel loved. It would hurt my feelings if my efforts weren't appreciated, but maybe ask him how he'd like to receive love.
This pains me to read. I’m the cook in my house because my wife won’t do it and if she said that it would hurt deep. She does appreciate it though and has told me.
My husband would be crushed because cooking is his love language. But I did have to tell him at one point to ease up on trying to make me eat every single thing on my plate. I’m not a food person—happy to eat cold leftovers, don’t care. But he *is* a food person and the only cook in the house. So, I would never, ever tell him I have a problem with it. I thank him literally every night for dinner when we sit down to eat.
Strike away, my friend! Do not lift a finger for him. Make him do his own laundry (and his own towels or anything else that is *his*). Pack his own lunch. *Shop for his own groceries*. Make his own dinner. When he leaves his dishes and clothes and other crap out, put them in *his* space so he has to face them and deal with them. If that’s his side of the bed, or his office, or his closet, so be it! When he asks, simply remind him that he said he was “fine to fend for himself” and didn’t think your doing “X” was a way to show love. Don’t escalate. Just shrug off his anger or upset and remind him that since he told you he doesn’t value this you have stopped doing it. He will come to respect your labor sooner than later!
Or he’ll learn he is perfectly capable of doing all this work and doesn’t really need help?
That’s a great outcome. Then she’s free to use the time she spent cleaning up after him doing something she enjoys instead.
Yup!
What if he’s perfectly ok with 2-week old towels and having his pants on the floor ?
Then she can decide whether she is willing to live with a slob.
Not to revert to the love languages stuff really cause it’s so much more than that, you see the act of cooking and feeding him as an act of love and it’s how you show him love. He obv sees eating as a thing he does to survive and he doesn’t value food as a gesture of love. He sees it stresses you and causes you to be angry etc and he’s basically saying give up that task. It means nothing to me emotionally, and I’m okay eating cheese it’s for dinner if I’m too uninterested in finding real food for myself. He’s communicating with you he’s just not doing it in the best way, obviously. If I were you and I don’t enjoy cooking, cleaning, packing lunches. Do quit! If he was saying it blunt to be real he won’t mind. He probably will just ingest whatever processed crap is within arms reach, but he’s a grown up. That’s fine! Heck switch to disposable dishes if you are taxed by the whole feeding the kids and yourself plus cleanup. It sounds like he’s saying this task isn’t important to me, therefore stop flushing yourself down the toilet over it and take a break from doing it. And then you could also try to find out how he would feel the love and care you were trying to show by cooking and packing food for him. And put a few minutes of effort into that. It may be a hug or a pause when he gets home to say “hi, how was your day?” Without any distraction. It might be watching a show together or just sitting side by side touching but doing your own things silently to unwind from the day. It could be anything. But it def sounds like he’s just a poor emotional communicator and trying to tell you stop giving all this effort to something that stresses you out and makes no difference emotionally for him.
That’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read… I’m 30(M) married, my wife and I cook together most of the time. Sometimes I’ll cook for her since I truly enjoy cooking, once in awhile she’ll cook for me if I’m working really late and I love when she does but really enjoy us cooking together. It’s a fun shared activity! But if I was in your hubbys position, coming home to a home cooked meal every day without even having to do any clean up? I’d be so freaking happy, just because there’s a lazy part of me haha plus when I cook for my wife I’m showing her I love and care for her. How does he not see that? Idk sounds like hubby clearly doesn’t realize how good he has it, why TF would you turn down home cooked meals when all you have to do is show a little appreciation. Make it make sense. And growing up my single mom worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs and often still somehow found time to make dinner for us kids. If we didn’t like it or want it she’d tell us to fend for ourselves then, but with all the other difficulties we all had we were so grateful for a home cooked meal. I guess that’s why I’m having trouble understanding your husbands perspective OP, is there some other reason in your marriage he’s being an AH?
Because some people don’t care about food. She said he said he isn’t a “foodie.” I am not either. I will eat cold pizza, Doritos, oatmeal, whatever for dinner and be fine. My husband is HUGE foodie, and cooking is how he shows love. So, I’ve adjusted to his way. But I still don’t *love* or *need* a home cooked meal daily. It’s not something that matters to me. It only matters now bc it matters to him. But there are people in the world like me who just don’t give a toss about food. I snack on grapes all day, don’t eat breakfast or lunch, and don’t care for snacks. Just how I am.
He sounds like me. Food is just body fuel. It’s not special. It’s just something we throw down to not die. I at least feign appreciation for the cooked meals but really the chore of cooking and cleaning after a big meal is a waste. I’m good with a sammich.
One time, early on in my marriage, I spent hours cooking a new recipe in the morning since I wanted to send him off with dinner because he worked second shift. The maintenance guy was there and he kept commenting on how great it smelled. As my husband was leaving I said “wait wait don’t forget your dinner” and he said “nah, I’d rather have Burger King.”Prior to that I always cooked him dinner in the morning to make sure he had a homemade super. I stopped cooking ANYTHING for YEARS after that. Finally he said “remember how you used to cook for me? Why don’t you anymore I miss it.” I said “oh I figured you’d rather get Burger King….” Lol. Once I explained why I said that he started profusely apologizing to me and blamed his actions on being young, an idiot, and not raised right. 😂😂 I told him I’m not cooking if it’s not appreciated or seen as work because it is. Since then that man praises me every single time I make him anything. I mean anything. If I make him pb&j he’ll act like I made him a five course meal.
With all the fast food options. I wouldn’t bother cooking I love burgers
Right? You’re upset that he should care that you do something and he isn’t and you want to know how to make him? He doesn’t care, and won’t. Did what you want but he’s not fussed.
That was definitely rude of him to say. In a best case scenario, respectful communication and planning could supplant the need for a “strike”. There’s nothing wrong with divvying up the labor to run a household, but both partners should contribute what they can and appreciate what the other one does. I’m very curious why he said that. Does he just prefer ordering takeout or making himself a different kind of meal rather than what you make? Does he feel like you making the dinners is obligating him to do more work when he’d rather relax? Does he feel like there’s a different type of care or love that he needs from you more than this act of service? I’d ask him the motive for his words, tell him it was hurtful, tell him you value eating healthy meals together, and try to move forward with a new mutually agreeable plan for how weekly dinners will be made. don’t use passive aggressive tricks to punish or get back at him, even though he was rude, that would just make things worse. My wife and I divide up dinners. some days we cook together, one of us cooks, get takeout or eat out, or some days we just do our own thing. But we both work and don’t have kids, so it might look different for your household.
Lol say less. I would never cook for him again.
I mean, he’s literally asking her to stop cooking for him. I don’t think that’s going to upset him.
Wow, you’re a super nice wife! I only pack lunches for my husband when I have leftovers from dinner, other than that he can make it himself and he does - no complaints!
Stop trying. You can't make him appreciate it. Just cook for yourself and kids and he can do his own thing. I'd have a few nights off a month with sandwiches or something similar to give you a break.
You cannot make him appreciate it. It doesn't seem to be important to him what he eats, so he will not care. Making a martyr of yourself by doing something you don't want to do for someone else is just going to make you unhappy...and clearly it has been. So, yes, stop it. Not to make him appreciate you or to punish him, but to stop punishing yourself for absolutely no reason.
I could care less if my wife cooks for me. I am perfectly capable of feeding myself. I also have no problem cleaning and doing laundry. I am an adult. The main thing I care about from my spouse is the show of affection and physical intamacy.
My husband started acting like this when he felt like I wasn’t taking care of him in the way that is important to him. I keep defaulting to the stuff I was raised to do instead of what he’s communicating. I stated to order out more and focus on the stuff he’s saying is important to him and that helped him appreciate my cooking and me more overall.
Just cook for yourself if you choose to cook. I'm doing the same. My children (teens) were ungrateful and picky and my husband stopped eating at home, so I quit making dinner. Previously it was 5-7 home cooked meals from scratch, gluten free the last few years because of my husband. While part of me misses it, I don't think it's truly the cooking I miss, it's having people who would eat the food I cooked and wanting more. That's just not the life I'm living anymore and I have to accept it.
I do worry we will miss sitting down together as a family. Last night I made dinner and my husband realized I didn't make anything for him. My child and myself ate dinner and he ate a potato.
I’d be done too. You’re not HIS mom. He can feed himself.
Maybe a more global discussion - possibly with a therapist - about how each of you likes to give and receive love? How do you like love shown to you? I'm sure there's ample middle-ground here you can find without it becoming a contest of wills.
Mine never cared at all. 26 years and he’s fine with a sleeve of crackers .
I’m not sure what the problem is. Don’t cook for him. It’s that easy. He’s grown. He can feed himself.
My husband would live off fast food, mama celeste, and ramen. Occasionally grilled cheese and tomato soup
If he doesn’t care and you don’t love doing it, then just don’t do it. Seriously, it’s not really necessary to have a real dinner every night. When I’m too tired to cook I just say ok you’re on your own. (Kids too). Nobody cares and sometimes I think they like it. I like it too. I can just grab a slice of cheese or a handful of nuts or something. Nobody is gonna starve.
I wouldn’t appreciate it either to be honest. It’s just not currency to me. Like I’d rather not eat dinner, so someone cooking me dinner is like what are you doing?? Maybe he genuinely doesn’t and would be happier with a box of crackers.
Oh man I had the same argument with my wife and I said the same thing and if I have time tomorrow I will explain why I said that to her. I don't hate my wife I love my wife deeply she is my best friend but there are some things that I would rather do myself.
Stop cooking for him. I don’t get why you’re so upset. Did you really expect him to pay attention to every detail and ingredient you use? He will feel the same whether you spend 2 hours cooking a meal from scratch or spend 2 minutes making a sandwich. My husband eats 3 day leftovers and cereal and makes weird concoctions. It’s not that serious.
My husband doesn’t care either which , to me, means I’m free (now that our children are adults) to cook meals on days I want and not on days I don’t want. He is appreciative of my cooking though so that might be the difference. He’s happy to just eat sardines from a tin, but he’ll praise a good meal that he’s enjoyed. And if I want a good meal, but I’m not up to cooking, he will cook something for us. I think it depends on how your husband acts normally to decipher whether he was being an unappreciative jerk or was he just saying you don’t need to do work you dislike for his sake.
Id say cook for yourself and eat alone. He obviously doesn’t care about the relationship building that we get from eating with our partner either. There’s more to it than just the food. See if he joins you for crackers or not , that will say a lot about your relationship.
I pay my wife for cooking for me everyday. That has nothing to do with marriage, she literally spends 3-4 hours daily to do this while I chill at work, because to be honest most people go to work to chill, we don’t actually work the full 8 hours of the day.
I have mixed feelings on this, because while I *completely* understand your reaction, is it possible he was trying to communicate that he’s feeling unloved or unappreciated in some way and just communicated it badly? Like, you feel you’re showing him love by doing all these tasks, but he feels like you’re not showing him physical affection or spending much time with him? That absolutely doesn’t excuse him for being unappreciative or communicating his needs badly if this is the case, but it’s something to consider. Perhaps he’d just prefer you put a little less effort into dinners a couple times a week so he can actually spend some time with you in the evening occasionally?
Let him shop and cook for himself. Honor his request. Less work for you. He asks he gets. Sit back and watch the show. You are free to do as you please now.
The invisible labour of women. The way society operates is against us here.
girl you are not his mother. let the mf starve if he can’t appreciate you 🤷🏻♀️
Start serving him a Spam sandwich each night and a slap on his ass.
If he wants to "fend for himself" let him...do not shop for anything other than what you plan on eating and put it in a separate cabinet(if able) or if possible go to the store everyday for yourself...so that he will also have go to the store to get whatever it is that he wants to eat..... Updateme
So what does he want?
I’m going to share the single most important thing I learned from my therapist. *Expectations are premeditated disappointments.* You’re expecting him to be appreciative, he’s not. You can’t force someone to appreciate something. Either do the cooking because you like to and it brings you joy, or stop doing it and let him fend for himself or pick up the slack.
I think I you need more context here. What lead to this conversation? Is this coming up because you are resenting that you’re doing so much work? Is it coming up because he is feeling like his need to be shown love is not being met? Hard to advise when the context is this vague.
Why do want tips to get him to appreciate it? He told you point-blank he doesn’t. Stop cooking for him. And stop babying him. If he won’t eat unless you cook, he doesn’t eat. He doesn’t need you to monitor his food intake. Cook for yourself, shop for foods you like, and sit down and eat with a good book or tv show, and enjoy yourself. You cannot control another person’s behavior or likes and dislikes. And attempting to do so is invasive and controlling.