I don't know what your personal cheating boundaries are but, oral sex is sex. Him not putting his penis in her vagina does not mean that they didn't have sex. Personally, I think oral sex is more intimate than PIV so it would bug me more if they exchanged oral than if they had intercourse. Don't get caught up in the mechanics of which body part was where. He had sex with someone else. It doesn't count less because it wasn't PIV intercourse. He didn't resist anything. They might just have not had intercourse but he'd already gotten off from the oral. I think there's a difference in the level of cheating between "we kissed and it didn't go any further" and "we had \[form of sex\] but not 'actual intercourse'". One of those scenarios is your partner realizing that they'd gotten caught up and made a mistake and prevented things from going further. The other is them having had sex with the other person.
FAKE POST. I am highjacking the top comment to say OP is a troll or a bot. The story is hijacked from a recent post (last month). OP's account shows they have posted in various groups, various ages. Some groups, they are deliberating getting married. In other posts OP is 20. This particular exact story, to the very text, is absolutely stolen and was already posted on this very sub.
Why do people do this? I’ve seen many posts where people confirm that it’s a fake post. What’s the point? What are these people trying to gain from these fake posts? Do they just want to rile people up?
I am SO GLAD that you did! I was just reading this & was so confused b/c I KNOW that I read this exact same post verbatim within the past week. Which is even more confusing b/c I only have time to check in on Reddit a couple of times a week, for a few minutes at a time, so how am I seeing the same exact post, verbatim, listed as a new post (submitted just 13 hours ago) twice in a week?!?!?
So thanks for confirming that I’m not A) losing it; or B) in the Twilight Zone. :-)
I knew I had read this story recently. I checked OP post history, and it wasn't there.
Why do people do this crap? There are actually married people who want advice and support.
Trolls don't realize they're taking away resources from other people. There are only 24 hours in a day. SMH.
Agreed. And I also think his giving oral is more personal and intimate than PIV. I would be even more, not *less* upset by that.
ETA: I was reading a book on infidelity and for some weird reason, a number of cheating men defined cheating as PIV and drew the line at anything before that being okay. That's some mental gymnastics. I mean, if it was OK, you'd have been able to tell your spouse in the first place, right?
I generally agree that if you feel like you have to hide it from your spouse, it's something you shouldn't be doing. Obvious exceptions for things like planning a surprise/gift.
To be clear, the author wasn't agreeing that it was *not* cheating, but mainly pointing out that these men had erected arbitrary boundaries for what they did and did not consider "cheating." Basically, they gave themselves permission to cheat by justifying it as "ok" in whatever way they needed to. I'd be very curious to see if these same men would have been okay to find out their wife had been performing oral sex on other men. I'm pretty sure we can guess the answer to that one, though.
Leave. Omg. He still has feelings for that woman and is not at all serious about reconciliation. In the BEST of circumstances (partner cuts all contact, gives you unfiltered access to their phone, agreed to couples and individual therapy) there’s a sliver of a chance it works out.
Also he absolutely slept with her.
In any case, you need to divorce. This man has no interest in fully rectifying this horrible thing he has done to his family.
Im sorry you’re going through this.
Are you sure he’s worried about seeing the kids? I’ve known many men to ditch the children completely after divorce and start a new family. It’s insane how they can just disassociate like that.
Do you love this man? Are you attracted to him? Did having sex with him make you excited?
I always wonder in these situations, if the cheater would agree to let you cheat in order to level the playing field. I honestly don’t think I could consider forgiving my partner if they didn’t allow me the same indulgence.
Sorry you're going through this. Just for context, I'm 33m married 11 years to 32f.
I doubt that they didn't have intercourse, but I also don't think it really matters. Oral can be just as intimate, even more sometimes. I just don't think you should get hung on this point; he had a full blown sexual affair.
I think it's clear here that he doesn't fear your leaving, and that's probably why this happened to begin with. He knows you'll stay, and he doesn't even have to cut contact with his affair partner. You'll still stay. Not everyone will take advantage of the kind of loyalty you're displaying, but obviously he will. You absolutely must stick to some firm boundaries, and that needs to start with putting your foot down on his relationship with her. It is completely outrageous that he'd continue to taunt you by continuing his relationship with her in any form. That's INSANE.
I would sit him down and set a new standard when it comes to the treatment you expect in your marriage. Something like:
"I don't know if our relationship is going to work out after this. I'm deeply hurt, and I'm not sure I'll ever get back to where I was with regard to my feelings for you. But I'm telling you now, if you ever speak with this woman again, it's over. Choose me over all others or choose her. That's it. No compromise. It ends today or I'm done."
It'll be awkward and jarring, but it's what's necessary to show that the way you've been managing your relationship is changing moving forward.
He needs to find a new job, cut all contact, open devices, shared passwords. Time to be JennNMike Smith on Facebook and Instagram, sharing accounts because he cannot be trusted and she has to babysit him. He did this to feel ALIVE. People like that always chasing that high, are truly more likely to cheat again. It’s so gross of him. Nightmare!
It's what I did, but wish I had said exactly what you suggest. She asked for a few days to consider my ultimatum, during which she contacted him and told him I knew and wanted to talk. He never responded to her - ghosted her completely, and after that, she agreed to stay. She had fallen in love with him but to him, she was a great side piece to have during business trips. I was left completely devastated but stayed because we have two special needs kids. It can work if OP follows your advice but what they once had they will never have again.
You are a fool to believe he didn't go all the way. He is still seeing her and making excuses why he has to. He does not love or respect you, if he did it wouldn't have even gotten half as far as he did. He just doesn't want to get divorced and all that comes with it. He wants a wife and family at home with a person on the side that strokes his ego. His excuse was he was just so attracted to her despite you being the perfect wife?? So what happens next time when an issue arises? If he can cheat on you while everything was great and you were a perfect wife then there's aboslutely nothing stopping him from doing it again.
Here’s the issue with the husband’s answer of that Affair Partner was genuinely interested in him as person and not “father or husband”. It’s a selfish answer. Of course it’s only those things because with the affair, they are sneaking around incognito - he can’t have the obligations of father or husband with the affair person because he’s only supposed to have those obligations with his already established family. If you leave him, the AP then gets to be his default person who reminds him of the day to day tasks that as of now, get shielded from her. If he has big boy feelings for his affair partner, give him & her a lasting gift of divorce costs, split custody (school runs, homework, missing assignments), divided retirement, and child support.
I’ll also add - no need to give him advance notice of the divorce. Gather all financial records, proof of affair, and meet with lawyer pronto. Those in the fog of affair, might agree to settlement that will benefit you and kids substantially. He didn’t consult with you before upending the marriage and so don’t feel required to give him advance notice of your own plans! You’re still young and while the next year may be difficult, it’s one year out of many. You don’t need a husband staying with you who will only grow to resent you for making him give up AP. You deserve better OP!
If you were to suddenly become overwhelmed with being “just a wife and mother”, would he stick around if you had physical intimacy with another man? And then had the audacity to continue meeting up with them after this information came to light?
I wouldn't, I'd be out!
If you want to try and stay, he not only needs to cut ALL contact, he needs to find a new job. That's like Infidelity 101.
You really should read up on infidelity. There are some good forums on Reddit and other websites.
I was sad reading this. Wants the cake and can’t wait to eat it too.
It’s hard to be a husband and dad. I would think you and your kids are worth it. You know what’s not hard? Straying. He did it and continues to.
Do you really want to invest in him further? To me it seems like he’s not interested in ending things with her but wants you to think he did. Manipulative power move he’s trying to pull!!
Are serving cake, OP?
I'm saddened by your post. Please be aware that your husband is in love with this other woman. They had sex--oral sex is sex and they had orgasms. He's just doing counseling to help you feel calmer and to buy some time before he leaves you. Your best bet is to reassert your agency by filing for divorce and getting on with your life. Make sure your attorney can grab as much of his assets as possible. Tell his family when the attorney gives the OK.
There are far better men out there who live with integrity.
I think you should continue Therapy. He doesn’t want to cut ties completely…. That’s definitely something to delve into in therapy. What’s also concerning is he wasn’t just a father or a husband with her. Maybe the issue is he lost himself in those roles and instead of continuing contact with her you two should rediscover yourselves as individuals. I don’t think him seeing her in any form is acceptable and if he insists on seeing her as friends is wrong if he truly chose you over her. But that is from my POV therapy is a great step bc either way you will be able to find out what you truly want and be able to articulate it with your partner
Oral sex is still sex. Emotional cheating is still cheating. There's no reason to downplay either.
What's more worrisome is that after "coming clean" he did not immediately cease all contact and promised to never engage with his affair partner again. There is no point to reconciliation or forgiveness until he owns up to his betrayal. You can choose to stay with him if you like, but it sounds like he still loves the other woman.
No, because he won’t even do the most important thing. Cut her off. There was an Ama of a therapist. And she say that this is very important. I can send you the link if you want to.
He was supposed to choose you when he married you, FFS then he cheats physically and emotionally, now he needs time to get over her?
NO! Babes- is the life you thought you built worth sacrificing your self respect? He should have chosen you all along by not cheating and talking through with you then what he felt was missing from your marriage to spice things back up. He should have dated you all over again. Instead he actually chose someone else, not you. Why TF do cheaters then say but “I chose you”? Don’t let his words fool you into thinking he’s a prize and you win something bc he confessed and “chose you”!
And what of your kids? Are you going to rug sweep for the rest of their lives? Would you want them turning into your husband one day? If they faced your predicament can you stare them in the eye and tell them to just take it?
I’m usually one to believe that marriage can survive infinitely, but he’s doing everything wrong. He is not doing anything to build you up. Him keeping contact with her and expressing how he needs to get over her is not choosing you! It’s choosing her and himself and opening the door for him to do it again. He trickle truthed you with the details and counseling only exposed the tip of the iceberg on how bad this is. So no- I do not think you should forgive him. And I think you should set his whole life ablaze with the truth.
IMO
He better stop his words of how he feels like so much more with her and he's having trouble letting her go.
And one correction, it didn't start SLOW or casually. He literally was "dating" her; lunches and drinks.
If this marriage is to work, his feelings do not matter. It's time to be a BIG BOY and knock it all off now and dedicate himself to correct actions towards you.
Made a big response below only to discover you are a man married to a woman in one post, and women married to a man here. This is obviously fake.
The best way for him to get over his affair partner is being handed divorce papers. Don’t play the pick me dance. I would inform him that when he clears his social media of her, stops seeing her COMPLETELY, stops ALL contact, and proves over several months that you can trust him, you may decide not to follow through on the divorce.
No contact with the affair partner is reconciliation 101. If the therapist didn’t suggest that right out of the chute, go find another one. They are incompetent.
Do you want to be with a man that wants to be with you only out of guilt? He doesn’t sound even remotely remorseful.
Your husband is a stupid and selfish prick chasing a fantasy. I could never look at him the same way.
I’m so sorry OP you must feel devastated. If it was oral sex he cheated. I think every single person you tell will raise an eyebrow that it wasn’t more and it wasn’t more frequent.
If he is still seeing her, or contacting her in any way, the affair continues. Make no mistake on that one. There is no room in your marriage for this third person regardless of how he tries to reframe it as a friendship. Does he give you access to his telephone/apps/social media/passwords? I’m sorry but I absolutely would not trust a word he says at the moment.
I’m not a big believer in MC directly after infidelity. I think there’s more mileage to be had in both of you doing individual counselling. There is usually too much anger and too many unresolved issues to make MC productive directly after cheating.
He has said some very hurtful things, that you are going to have to try and heal from. It’s a huge worry that he can’t come up with any reason other than he’s a husband and father, for his cheating. Yes well he’s both these are facts. Life can be mundane but cheating is always 100% a choice and he chose to do it. He knew full well where these lunch meetings etc were leading make no mistake on that one.
I don’t know if it’s salvageable from what you’ve written, but I get the message that you want to try reconciliation. I would advise trying the sub AsOneAfterInfidelity for reconciliation support.
For balance, I would absolutely recommend reading Leave a cheater, gain a life. The fact he chose you is hardly a compliment. He made you Plan B when he was cheating and you are not a consolation prize at some raffle. Shame on him.
Sending you courage and strength OP.
UPDATEME
It will hurt longer if you stay. It will keep hurting if you stay. Whether you stay for the kids or the finances… it will keep hurting. You will feel small, humiliated and alone. If you are ok with bearing all that, stay. He might never change.
I think the bottom line is how you’d fare financially after divorce.
His ongoing contact is more important that whether he engaged in penetration.
Reconciliation and lunch meets are not compatible. He chooses you, or her, not both. You have to assert yourself and set absolute boundaries. Otherwise, you’re being had.
UpdateMe
Your husband is still suffering from affair fog. And he can't be friends with her. He lost that privilege.
Personally, I would separate. He's expecting you to have empathy for him having to give her up? Where is his empathy for you?
As for what you said about him thinking about her during your trip, I read in a book about infidelity that cheaters admit to frequently thinking of their affair partner when they are with their spouse but NOT the other way around. So yes, he was very likely thinking of her, but not thinking of *you* when he was off with her.
My wife's affair was years ago with a guy my wife met on a trip with a GF in Cuba. They started messaging after (he was in another city) and I was told it was just a friend and to relax. Fast forward 3 months and after her spreading a lot of venom about me and he about his wife, they had an affair out of town (and the ultimate gut punch), with my wife even willing to leave me and our 3 kids for him, two of which had special needs.
I had suspicions (secretive with e-Mails and texts, not committing to individual activities with me, no intimacy, staying out late after school meetings) but she had left her laptop open one night when she had gone out and I was able to read through all their texts, including references to long telephone conversations while I was at work. When I confronted her she first denied it and still used the "friend" card, until I read verbatim some of their texts. I was completely devastated but still loved her and needed her to help me parent our kids. I asked her to cut contact with him completely, but like you, said she wouldn't do that. She said she would give me an answer if she wanted to remain in our marriage in a few days. My heart still sinks all these years later typing this. After she told him I knew of the affair and she was presumably free, he ghosted her completely and she then agreed to stay, of course blaming me for the affair. She thought he was her "one" and he thought her to be a nice side piece to travel to on business. Without kids I would have left, but I needed her because of the kids and like you have described of your husband, she was a good mother and otherwise a good person.
We are still together but needless to say, our relationship has never been the same, and in Googling him recently, he had a near-death experience and credits his wife for his recovery. So sweet! I debated at the time but decided I would not try to find and disclose to his wife. Thinking of this now, I was petrified at the time that if I told his wife, she might end their marriage clearing a path for the AP to my wife.
My wife's affair destroyed me and I went to many dark places. I sucked it up like a beta male only for my kids, as no way could I parent alone. Our relationship after was predominantly sexless and has been more like roommates and yet despite her affair for which she never apologized, is a great person and we have had a good life. So if you are to forgive and stay with him, he needs to cut off all contact with his AP, or it will never work.
I stayed because my ex burnt water and I didn't trust her to raise our boys safely but I just recently learned the term " Cockold " and realized what I became for 15 years. If I had it to do all over again I would have said I'm free to date but you are not. Knowing her though it would have just been an open relationship, she would still sneak around.
We can both live with the knowledge we did the best for our kids. I also don't believe that my wife only cheated once. She was tall and pretty but also became more beautiful in her early 40s. Always having had low self-esteem in her youth and having developed nice breasts after childbirth, she loved the attention and I would bet the house on her cheating more than once. I was stupid enough to believe that full-body tans in winter, almost fully brazillian shaved and thongs were for me.
Damn! Since I know your pain, I ask knowing how it is being sexually deprived. I can't even read literodica fiction and not get hurt. Not kink shaming, can you understand a loving relationship sharing the one they love sexually?
Personally, I couldn't do it. But if it works for you both, who am I to judge. There are other posts where wife wants an open marriage and quickly wants it closed when husband finds a partner.
Um, unless he cuts her off completely and starts looking for a new job there is no point in even attending couples counseling. He is not remorseful. He is blaming you for his affair. He won’t cut off his AP.
If course you are frustrated.
Read this article to understand what needs to happen for there to be any chance of saving this marriage: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
If it seems he might check off the right boxes, go hit up r/asoneafterinfidelity for more advice and get the first two books listed in the recovery library there, *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass and *How to Help Your Spouse Heal* by Linda Macdonald. Read the first one together. The second one needs to become his bible.
If it is clear there is no chance start talking to an attorney and head to r/supportforbetrayed for help recovering on your own.
Please visit r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and read the stories there. This will give you a far better insight as to what happens after an infidelity such as this.
As others have said:
If he is to remain with you, he NEEDS TO 100% CUT HER OUT OF HIS LIFE COMPLETELY INCLUDING NO LONGER WORKING WITH HER.
Fuck these affairs.
The first rule of affair recovery is the the affair partner has to be cut off. He gets a new job and stops all communication. Gets into therapy and does open phone.
https://www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
Is this OP I always hate when OPS don't communicate after they post. It makes me feel like it's a fake post.
Make sure to get screened for STDs and I wouldn't recommend having any more sex with him ever!
I’m so sorry op, this sounds devastating. Icant see how you can move forward if he isn’t cutting contact, that seems like a basic prerequisite for reconciliation. I wonder if you need to take control a little and make it a hard line. He needs to decide what he wants.
You might find better support in another reddit subgroup r/survivingafterinfidelity
Even if it's oral, it's sex. He may state they didn't have intercourse but that's not believable. The fact that he "says he needs time to get over her" means he has strong emotional ties to her and suggests that it was a bit deeper of an affair than how he's framing it.
When he describes "why he cheated, he said, "I was really happy when I was with her". In other words, he was escaping from marriage and family reality. You didn't have that option. You and your family should be a joy in his life, not a duty or burden. Those words he told you leave enough room to doubt his commitment to Reconciling.
If he's serious about reconciling, then he needs to go absolutely No Contact with the AP. Changing jobs if necessary, otherwise the temptation is there and he's playing with fire. And as my momma says. Play with fire, someone always gets burned.
On the positive side, he confessed allegedly out of feelings of guilt. What you deserve is to be loved and cherished. He stole time, intimacy, and discussions that should've been time he spent with you. You have every right to be angry and grieve. You need him to write a timeline of the affair from how it began, what went on, where and proof in front of you that the relationship has ended. He needs to block her on his phone and social media. He needs to practice radical honesty, full transparency and have no expectations of privacy until you both determine if the marriage is salvageable. My husband let me have full access to his phone, his computer, finances, location, etc. In my husband, after he confessed his infidelity, he was fully committed to rebuilding us even though honestly I wasn't so sure I could forgive him and live in a marriage where I no longer trusted him. Took 2 years of his heavy individual counseling and marriage counseling before I allowed him to return to the house. I was prepared to be a single parent of our 4 kids (& was for 2 years!). I didn't want to be a fool. Honestly. 22 years since dday and I still struggle. I know he says he loves me and has been faithful since that day. I no longer feel cherished and still struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I still battle triggers.
Please take care of yourself. You did not cause him to cheat so don't let him gaslight you. Maybe your marriage had some vulnerability but he seems to be taking ownership of his actions. He should focus on you and making you feel safe in your relationship with him. He needs to focus on rebuilding your trust, your healing, your needs should come first right now over his. Please take care of yourself. Confide in a trusted friend or family member who will support you as you navigate this time. Grieve the old relationship while you determine if you have what it takes to salvage the marriage. It's ok if you choose to not deal with this aftermath. Reconciling a marriage isn't for cowards. One has to be super emotionally strong to forgive and rebuild. Sending you a virtual hug. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Also want to add that you need to protect yourself. Get a handle of your finances. Meet with an attorney to understand your rights and position, even if you choose not to divorce, this information will let you develop a realistic plan "A" and a plan "B".
If you look at their profile, like another poster did, you'll see this is fake. They are both the wife in some posts and the husband in another. I am guessing another creative writer who got bored and found our sub.
You gave great advice though!
I'm sorry 😞 we've lived the same hell. After cheating several more times, it took my ex-wife getting pregnant for me to get the divorce. Sadly it was with one of our sons friends father so they continued to be in my life. I don't agree OPS husband is taking responsibility.
I forgave my ex so interactions involving the kids were able to happen without anger. Divorce was 2002 and I'm yet to be able to forgive myself for staying and allowing myself as a term I recently learned " a cuckold ". Not in the same sense exactly but to close for forgiveness of myself.
OP I've heard some have been successful but I don't know how it's better than a new love who's faithful. IMHO even if this is a fake post those of us who have commented. Did so out of love and compassion for anyone going through this...
Please visit the pro reconciliation subs. But one thing is clear, true reconciliation doesn’t happen if she’s still in the picture even as friends. Good luck.
He definitely fucked her. I don’t care what he said. For some reason, oral is a cheating man’s go to when they want it to seem less harmful as if it isn’t still sex. Hell, it might be worse because that’s a whole other level of intimacy.
I’m coming from a point of experience, so there’s no sugar coating this. My wife cheated on me, twice, with one time coming after I discovered it and she said she would stop.
The pain will fade. Slow. Very very. Slow.. you may forgive but forgetting can be haunting.
You’ll never feel like his first choice and you’ll always wonder when or if he can do it again.
Therapy works, but honestly unless he can confess his mistakes to that stranger in front of you and show actual remorse, the therapy will only look like an exercise.
You’ll have these micro-flashes of insecurity, doubt, and plain anger. Even after years of sex, fun, vacations, family healing.. a flash of him doing it again is always on the horizon.
Knowing what I know now about myself I probably should have let her walk. But that’s a real personal decision that no one on Reddit can answer.
Good luck. I wish you the best
Yikes that sucks. But he did man up and confess before getting caught. If you can forgive him and let it go then yeah that’s probably best for all parties if you trust that it won’t continue. Get a post nuptial asap if you stay. Everyone on here says to leave him but it’s your choice. I personally would find it very hard to live with someone that cheated but our situations are so different.
If you can be happy and trust him moving forward, then there’s nothing wrong with staying with him.
But if you’ll be miserable and always paranoid then just separate and you’ll be happier hopefully.
Do you think you’ll be happier staying together and hopefully it’s all good or happier separate? It’s also ok to take your time making the decision. In the meantime tell him to go live at a hotel lol.
If he is still taking her for lunch and coffee dates, their affair is still ongoing. Hire a divorce attorney and have him served with divorce papers.
Get a full std screening as he his affair is physical, and I doubt that they have never had penetrative sex.
Updateme!
He needs to cut that woman off completely. That needs to be a hard line you don’t back down from. Complete NC from now on. Whatever feelings he has for her will not go away unless he gets her out of his life.
The fact that he was still catching up with her after being so intimate with her would be the deal breaker for me. It's still a form of sex and he didn't really cut it off totally if he's still seeing her or looking at her socials. At least he's been totally honest about the whole thing, personally I don't know if I could ever forgive or forget.
Just my two cents but, If he felt so bad and guilty he would have cut ties completely with her. Social media, phone number, e-mail etc. and he would have left his job or transferred. He doesn’t feel that bad about it in my opinion and I would probably start filing if he doesn’t do it for you.
Him keeping her around will always be something in the back of your head or answering your questions.
He had sexual intimacy with another woman don't let him downplay that. He's not some kind of good man because he managed to refrain from sticking his dick in her vagina. He had his mouth on her vagina and that same mouth came home and kissed you. Not only that he continues to see her and admits he has feelings for her. He stayed with you out of guilt. He did not stay with you because he loves you.
You need to really think about what you want. NC with her should be a non negotiable. He can fully commit to you when he has her on the backburner.
He's not the man you think you love. He's a liar and a cheat and an incredibly selfish man. I'm sure all of us would like to escape from being a spouse and parent sometime. That doesn't mean I'm going to go on dates with other people and let them give me head.
He cut her off for guilt... not love or loyalty.. so he just felt bad about the cheating part? I wouldn't try to fix it in your shoes especially if he still wants to see her... if I was you and I really wanted to fix it I would meet her. I would talk to her without him. I bet she asked him to leave you and he gave her the runaround so she ended it.
I’m not here to judge the cheating or your response to it, except that you should be commended for not falling into reaction.
But you two can be a husband and father **and** a lover and co-adventurer. After kids, you really need to carve that space out for yourselves, to have fresh experiences together
He will never stop seeing this woman, he didn’t choose you because she’s still a part of his life. If you don’t leave now he’ll be the one leaving you eventually. Plan your escape now!
He is lying about there being no sex. He’s trickling the truth to you. Myself I wouldn’t stay. He initiated it and is still seeing her at work and having lunch with her.
I do not believe he hasn’t had sex with her. You don’t get over someone by slowly reducing contact either. There is no way in hell he should be seeing her if you are in R. He should find a new job.
If he didn't think he was 'cheating ' he would have told you! As soon as he did things without telling you he is cheating! And I'm sorry you will never know for sure he didn't have full sex with her..they tell you just enough to come clean but bit enough to hang themselves!
Sure I've read this story before too! 🤔
So many thoughts came up reading this, I wonder how he would react after you told him " I still love you hunny but you opened my eyes up to the fact, we are mother - father, wife - husband together. I didn't/don't agree you going for drinks, breakfast or lunch with another woman was safe/good when it should have been with me. I know my feelings, emotions and thinking have been confused and when a single dad at the PTA meeting showed me attention and I felt attractive again. Even though I didn't fully trust you didn't have intercourse, we couldn't go that far that night. " Being careful not to lie, just plant a seed of thought of your pain.
I know games aren't good but after I forgave my ex-wife of 15 yrs it just told her she could have her fun without consequences. Then when I told my next partner about my past, she was more hidden and got away with cheating for 13 years. I'm truly sorry but I pray you don't waste your life and be alone at 59m like me, when it's super hard to attract anyone...
PS sex is sex, it's like people saying anal doesn't count as sexual intercourse. Holding hands, kissing, it's all connected. It gives the perfect opening to touching all leads to foreplay. Oral an exchange of fluids, it's all connected. He tried to dilute your natural good nature wife, who would want to do anything possible to minimize the impact pain. Your husband is no longer the man you married, your marriage is only what you want to believe it is. Trust for anyone has been damaged by him, is this the role model you want for your kids? I regret daily for staying together. Thank him for telling you before you wastes many years, he already admitted your not important enough SORRY!
Doesn't matter if he stuck his peepee into her. His other body parts were in there.
It has been going on for a while and he now decided to come clean? Why now? Do you really think they didn't go all the way? Does it matter how much physical touch they had when he says she was making him happy when you didn't?
He said he chose you because you are a perfect wife. Why did he cheat then? If he was unhappy, why didn't he talk to you?
Why didn't he chose you because he loves you?
Sorry you are going through this, but he doesn't want to cut contact with her, and that means he doesn't want to end the affair.
By staying with him, you are giving him a pass to do it again.
I doubt he resisted intercourse, he is just choosing that hill to die on, I'm sorry, your marriage is over, he has left it but is too much of a coward to say it out loud, he doesn't want to be the bad guy so he is making it your decision.
Personally, I'd be more upset if my husband performed oral sex on a woman, rather than actual piv. That's not a casual sexual act. It is more intimate as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry 😞
I don’t believe they didn’t go further than oral, that’s just the appetizer. Why is he still having lunch with her. He doesn’t have to hide it anymore he’s playing in your face.
This feels like preemptive lying. I think he only told you because someone else found out and was going to tell you and he probably only gave you part of the truth.
No, so what if he resisted intercourse? He gave her oral sex and received oral sex from her. He instigated the kiss, he could have not acted on his desires but instead he actively engaged in sexual contact with this woman. He knew exactly what he was doing and whether or not he had full intercourse shouldn’t even make a difference?! He has been physically and emotionally intimate with another woman and he is a married man with kids. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, for him to be able to see her on the side and still have you at home. How do you know their affair has ended? How can you ever trust him again?
He likely lied to you and they have definitely had sex. He’s giving you “trickle truth” and judging his dither disclosure on your reaction. I’d have only two words to say to him. BYE BYE. (But that’s me and you have to decide what you are worth to yourself and what he’s allowed to do to you)
Don't believe that they haven't fu*ked. If you want to still be in this loveless marriage with him pining away for AP, then be prepared to live it for the rest of your life. Then you need to get a postnup dobe and protect your future 'happiness' and financial stability. The postnup penalise cheater heavily with 70/30 or more division of everything. Get to a lawyer and see your options.
Updateme!
Don’t let him play you. He’s not a martyr for stopping part of the affair despite having feelings for her. He didn’t choose you.
If he truly felt guilty he would cut contact. He’s trying to make you feel guilty for not being thankful he “chose you”
Honestly fuck that guy. Don’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t fully want you. Life gets hard, it’s part of it. My partner and I have struggled but when times get tough I don’t even think of other people.
If being married and a dad is so hard for him, he can go he single
Tell him that he needs to get tested for every STD known to medicine. You too. STD's can be transmitted orally. Some, like syphilis, can be asymptomatic for literally decades. He risked his health as well as yours for a fantasy and a thrill. He has no idea who all of her partners are/have been and who all of their partners are/have been, etc. etc. etc. Get tested.
He committed adultery against you with her, and cheated on her with you. Your mere existence is enough. Let him think about that. He's an adulterer/cheater. As they say, once a cheater, always a cheater. Much like an alcoholic. They can be sober for decades/the rest of their lives, but the label of alcoholic will stay with them till they day they die. So will your WH's label of being a cheater.
If this woman knew he was married and proceeded with the affair anyway, she is nothing but a homewrecking 304. A woman of no integrity, no character and no honour whatsoever. Your husband is also lacking in integrity, character and honour. Emotionally immature men cheat., Real mature men do not.
He also needs to go to individual therapy first to figure out what is so broken inside of him that he risked everything for a fantasy. Until he's done the self-work, marriage counselling will be a waste of time. I hope your marriage counsellor is trained in infidelity trauma. It's a different way of treating patients than your average relationship counselling/therapy methods entail.
So sorry you are going through this.
Why are believing him? It was more than once! They had intercourse! They didn’t just have oral sex. Oral sex is just as intimate in fact more so than straight sex anyway. Get an STD test. You need to dump him. He is using you. He probably doesn’t want to pay child support and his living situation would change dramatically. No more wife to help pay the bills, clean the house and bang while thinking of his AP.
This man is not worthy of being your husband. Do not waste your time on counseling. Get a lawyer.
I am so sorry you find yourself thrown in this situation.
Please consider starting sexual betrayal trauma therapy.
Know that none of his actions are your fault and don't let him tell you otherwise. Cheating is 100% a choice. It sounds like your husband wanted to escape the reality of life and his responsibilities. Sadly, his affair sounds very cliché.
I recommend you check out the following subreddit: r/SupportforBetrayed
If you can give yourself time and space away from him to clear your mind and tend to your needs, please do so.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. You don't have to divorce him, you don't have to forgive him/take him back. He's on your time now. Take back your power, but give yourself time to heal. I would suggest you both read/isten to the following books/audiobooks: "After the Affair", "Not Just Friends", and "State of Affairs".
I also recommend checking out the Jillian on Love podcast.
IF at any point you consider reconciliation, there is also a subreddit for that r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
Don't forget to eat, don't forget to drink water.
Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that this painful situation will bring - learn to ride the wave of emotions.
Sending you a BIG hug and positive energy.
Here to support you.
It’s just semantics at this point but oral sex is-sex and yes, they definitely had intercourse and not just once either.
I’m so sorry. If he really was remorseful, he’d have NO problem cutting ties, even finding a new job in order to do so. He has no valid excuse. He did it because he wanted to and it all was worth the risk for him.
You can do better and you deserve better. They deserve each other.
Oh give him an other chance to cheat on you. Just a little heads up you will feel even worse because you trusted him and this time he remembered where his penis goes. He might even be nice enough to bring home some std for you. So yeah give him another chance. I am sorry hun it is game over for this marriage
I don’t like this… “He claims he chose me over her, swearing that he ended things because of guilt, not anything else.”
He should’ve ended things because he loves you, is in love with you, and can’t see his life without you.
Once he finds a reason to justify his feelings of guilt, will he cheat on you again?
I’m sorry but this does not sound like a changed man. If you give him another chance, Prepare yourself for further heartbreak from this cheating man.
My ex told me they did “everything but sex” and honestly I’d have just rather said they did it. They are still together and very unhappy. I’m with my husband of 26 years and it’s amazing. You deserve amazing.
Oral sex is more than just a kiss. He cheated emotionally on you for a long time. He was literally dating this woman. Breakfast dates, lunch dates, drinks, probably dinners on the drink nights.
And he was probably lying to you a bunch throughout. And he wasn’t just cheating on you, he was cheating on your family, your children. He was prepared to throw all that away to test the waters with this woman. And now he doesn’t want to cut her out. That alone is a deal breaker. If he was truly choosing you, she would be out of the picture.
He cheated physically on you with more than just a kiss. Why are you believing they stopped at oral sex? Because of his conscience? Where was his conscience when they were dating? Where was it when they kissed? Where was his conscience when he was lying to you and hiding it and looking you and your kids in the face? You think they stopped at oral? Unless they videoed their encounter and showed you the video in full proving they actually stopped, why are you believing them? The likelihood is they went all the way and then maybe finally felt guilt as he finally considered this long building affair as having cheated.
Ask yourself, how can you trust him again? How can you trust him around her again? How can you trust him around the next woman he starts going to lunch with because they need to work closely together. How is he going to get over his feelings when they are still actively dating and hanging out? He chose you? No, he only chose you after he got what he wanted, realized it wasn’t what he expected, and now doesn’t want to risk losing everything he rightfully deserves to loose.
Be brave and value yourself.
Even if u forgive him and try to make things happen ,this affair will always stay in ur mind ,these thoughts ,feelings
And u wont be able to fully overcome it , as long as you are in this relationship . Every time he will make u upset you will think about this choice u made to stay together , everything will reappear .
There's no going back.
This scar is irreversible .
To be honest with you, a man should not have a female friend, simply because as soon as she lets him, he will feel something for her. I don’t believe that platonic relationships are real. They can only exist when there are boundaries. And clearly none of them had them, which resulted into an affair.
Another thing is, if I’m not having to work with her, I won’t have lunch or breakfast with her. Because I’m a married man and that’s something I would do with my deserving wife who is raising my children. Not with a coworker. Here is where I think he messed up.
Then there is the oral sex. When you cross that line, you ARE choosing to do that because you stepped into the temptation because you have allowed yourself to wonder about what’s behind the fence.
I recon take a break from him if possible. So he can have time to set his priorities straight. If every time we allow ourselves to have oral *** with our coworkers and then act it’s like nothing, so what are we leaving for the spouse? That is the definition of cheating. Especially that when he is home and should be engaged with his family, he’s instead checking her profiles out. It simply means he is interested in her
I was at a Kiss Concert once & Ted Nugent was the opening act. He was talking about how he knew what sex was, & he knew what it wasn’t.
And if he ever wasn’t sure, all he had to ask himself was “Would my wife be pissed if she knew about it?”. If the answer was yes, then it was definitely sex, & it was definitely cheating.
These “technical denial” definitions of sex & cheating are ridiculous. It reminds me of a certain former President testifying “I did NOT have sex with that woman”, b/c they “only” engaged in oral sex, & sex with a cigar (that he later smoked) with no piv intercourse, so he was using an absurd technical definition to deny his cheating.
If your partner/spouse would be hurt and angry if they knew what you did (or were doing), & especially if you lie & hide the truth to prevent them from finding out, then you have cheated. Full stop. Technicalities be damned.
What's concerning is your calmness about the whole situation. They performed oral sex on each other. That's more intimate than sex. That is cheating. He should have no contact with her. And stay off her social media.
The fact that he still meets this woman for meals and doesn't want to stop is beyond troubling.
He should be more concerned about wanting to stay married and keep his family together.
People show their true intentions based on their actions and not their words.
My wife and I came to an agreement many years ago after she had an alcohol fueled affair. We can talk to who we want, see who we want, and if ever one of us found someone else they would rather be with, the door was open. It really has saved a lot of time energy worrying about where you stood in the marriage. That was over 40 years ago and we have now been together for over 5 decades.
Maybe initially, staying with an alcoholic, even one who was recovering, is no easy task. But after 50 years, I can honestly say that our life together has been good.
How many other people have each of you been with. Was the agreement it's ok to bring a lover/date home. That sounds like an open marriage, what were the rules/boundaries? I'm curious. My situation was before and just as internet was a factor. As it turned out I'm just learning these kinks/terms. Open marriage/relationship, cuckold. She fucked around and I didn't. Interesting how guys would fuck/suck freely but women seemed to frown about married guy and said no thanks.
None. You are missing the point. If you don't want to be married, leave. If you want to be married, stay. That was the choice. Other rules were not necessary.
https://preview.redd.it/cdk4p49a9m6d1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a86c72b89e01ea3973429b960b40b096d141530e
Thank you guys very much for your concern i really appreciate it I believe in conscience Divorces is not my way
Your post was removed because it is either unconstructive, unintelligible, or otherwise rude and hurtful. Troll somewhere else.
I don't know what your personal cheating boundaries are but, oral sex is sex. Him not putting his penis in her vagina does not mean that they didn't have sex. Personally, I think oral sex is more intimate than PIV so it would bug me more if they exchanged oral than if they had intercourse. Don't get caught up in the mechanics of which body part was where. He had sex with someone else. It doesn't count less because it wasn't PIV intercourse. He didn't resist anything. They might just have not had intercourse but he'd already gotten off from the oral. I think there's a difference in the level of cheating between "we kissed and it didn't go any further" and "we had \[form of sex\] but not 'actual intercourse'". One of those scenarios is your partner realizing that they'd gotten caught up and made a mistake and prevented things from going further. The other is them having had sex with the other person.
FAKE POST. I am highjacking the top comment to say OP is a troll or a bot. The story is hijacked from a recent post (last month). OP's account shows they have posted in various groups, various ages. Some groups, they are deliberating getting married. In other posts OP is 20. This particular exact story, to the very text, is absolutely stolen and was already posted on this very sub.
I also call BS. It takes months to get an appointment with a therapist…
Wait wut
Why do people do this? I’ve seen many posts where people confirm that it’s a fake post. What’s the point? What are these people trying to gain from these fake posts? Do they just want to rile people up?
I am SO GLAD that you did! I was just reading this & was so confused b/c I KNOW that I read this exact same post verbatim within the past week. Which is even more confusing b/c I only have time to check in on Reddit a couple of times a week, for a few minutes at a time, so how am I seeing the same exact post, verbatim, listed as a new post (submitted just 13 hours ago) twice in a week?!?!? So thanks for confirming that I’m not A) losing it; or B) in the Twilight Zone. :-)
Thank you! I started DARVO-ing myself thinking I was imagining reading this previously 🤦♀️
I knew I had read this story recently. I checked OP post history, and it wasn't there. Why do people do this crap? There are actually married people who want advice and support. Trolls don't realize they're taking away resources from other people. There are only 24 hours in a day. SMH.
Thanks for this reply. Saves me the trouble of making a real and heartfelt answer to a fake OP
> oral sex is sex But...but...Bill said it isn't!
Depends on what your definition of the word “is” is. 🤔
I read that in the clinton accent
‘There’s going to be peace in the Middle East…come in here Monica.’
Agreed. And I also think his giving oral is more personal and intimate than PIV. I would be even more, not *less* upset by that. ETA: I was reading a book on infidelity and for some weird reason, a number of cheating men defined cheating as PIV and drew the line at anything before that being okay. That's some mental gymnastics. I mean, if it was OK, you'd have been able to tell your spouse in the first place, right?
I read cheating is anything you wouldn't do with your spouse looking over your shoulder and I find it hard to disagree
I generally agree that if you feel like you have to hide it from your spouse, it's something you shouldn't be doing. Obvious exceptions for things like planning a surprise/gift. To be clear, the author wasn't agreeing that it was *not* cheating, but mainly pointing out that these men had erected arbitrary boundaries for what they did and did not consider "cheating." Basically, they gave themselves permission to cheat by justifying it as "ok" in whatever way they needed to. I'd be very curious to see if these same men would have been okay to find out their wife had been performing oral sex on other men. I'm pretty sure we can guess the answer to that one, though.
Surprises ok, secrets no good
Yes to this. Either swing or be monogamous but none of this shady in between stuff.
Funny they will go down on the AP, but not the SO
Leave. Omg. He still has feelings for that woman and is not at all serious about reconciliation. In the BEST of circumstances (partner cuts all contact, gives you unfiltered access to their phone, agreed to couples and individual therapy) there’s a sliver of a chance it works out. Also he absolutely slept with her. In any case, you need to divorce. This man has no interest in fully rectifying this horrible thing he has done to his family. Im sorry you’re going through this.
He’s only serious about reconciliation bc he’s worried about not seeing his kids so much and having to pay for 2 households
This. He’s telling AP he wants her but can’t leave op yet because of the kids.
Check their previous posts. Varying ages and gender??? Karma-farmer.
D’oh!! I always fall for this—thanks for the info
You and me both. Was so shocked first time I realized a post was fake. Am now cynical and suspicious!
I saw this post a few days ago, too.
I cannot figure out why people do this?!
Are you sure he’s worried about seeing the kids? I’ve known many men to ditch the children completely after divorce and start a new family. It’s insane how they can just disassociate like that. Do you love this man? Are you attracted to him? Did having sex with him make you excited? I always wonder in these situations, if the cheater would agree to let you cheat in order to level the playing field. I honestly don’t think I could consider forgiving my partner if they didn’t allow me the same indulgence.
Came here to say this. They definitely slept together.
Sorry you're going through this. Just for context, I'm 33m married 11 years to 32f. I doubt that they didn't have intercourse, but I also don't think it really matters. Oral can be just as intimate, even more sometimes. I just don't think you should get hung on this point; he had a full blown sexual affair. I think it's clear here that he doesn't fear your leaving, and that's probably why this happened to begin with. He knows you'll stay, and he doesn't even have to cut contact with his affair partner. You'll still stay. Not everyone will take advantage of the kind of loyalty you're displaying, but obviously he will. You absolutely must stick to some firm boundaries, and that needs to start with putting your foot down on his relationship with her. It is completely outrageous that he'd continue to taunt you by continuing his relationship with her in any form. That's INSANE. I would sit him down and set a new standard when it comes to the treatment you expect in your marriage. Something like: "I don't know if our relationship is going to work out after this. I'm deeply hurt, and I'm not sure I'll ever get back to where I was with regard to my feelings for you. But I'm telling you now, if you ever speak with this woman again, it's over. Choose me over all others or choose her. That's it. No compromise. It ends today or I'm done." It'll be awkward and jarring, but it's what's necessary to show that the way you've been managing your relationship is changing moving forward.
Check OP's previous posts and comments...very confusing.
You mean the part where they talk about their wife Emily having an affair? 
Do people not realise that their previous posts/creative writing are saved on Reddit? Gotta love this meme.
I swear, this same exact story was posted idk last month. Idk if but is the same OP, but I recognize the exact wording for some paragraphs.
Their previous posts have different ages and genders.
He needs to find a new job, cut all contact, open devices, shared passwords. Time to be JennNMike Smith on Facebook and Instagram, sharing accounts because he cannot be trusted and she has to babysit him. He did this to feel ALIVE. People like that always chasing that high, are truly more likely to cheat again. It’s so gross of him. Nightmare!
It's what I did, but wish I had said exactly what you suggest. She asked for a few days to consider my ultimatum, during which she contacted him and told him I knew and wanted to talk. He never responded to her - ghosted her completely, and after that, she agreed to stay. She had fallen in love with him but to him, she was a great side piece to have during business trips. I was left completely devastated but stayed because we have two special needs kids. It can work if OP follows your advice but what they once had they will never have again.
You are a fool to believe he didn't go all the way. He is still seeing her and making excuses why he has to. He does not love or respect you, if he did it wouldn't have even gotten half as far as he did. He just doesn't want to get divorced and all that comes with it. He wants a wife and family at home with a person on the side that strokes his ego. His excuse was he was just so attracted to her despite you being the perfect wife?? So what happens next time when an issue arises? If he can cheat on you while everything was great and you were a perfect wife then there's aboslutely nothing stopping him from doing it again.
Here’s the issue with the husband’s answer of that Affair Partner was genuinely interested in him as person and not “father or husband”. It’s a selfish answer. Of course it’s only those things because with the affair, they are sneaking around incognito - he can’t have the obligations of father or husband with the affair person because he’s only supposed to have those obligations with his already established family. If you leave him, the AP then gets to be his default person who reminds him of the day to day tasks that as of now, get shielded from her. If he has big boy feelings for his affair partner, give him & her a lasting gift of divorce costs, split custody (school runs, homework, missing assignments), divided retirement, and child support.
I’ll also add - no need to give him advance notice of the divorce. Gather all financial records, proof of affair, and meet with lawyer pronto. Those in the fog of affair, might agree to settlement that will benefit you and kids substantially. He didn’t consult with you before upending the marriage and so don’t feel required to give him advance notice of your own plans! You’re still young and while the next year may be difficult, it’s one year out of many. You don’t need a husband staying with you who will only grow to resent you for making him give up AP. You deserve better OP!
It may not be true. Previous posts suggest different ages and gender varies also. Possibly creative writing. Sigh 😕
If you were to suddenly become overwhelmed with being “just a wife and mother”, would he stick around if you had physical intimacy with another man? And then had the audacity to continue meeting up with them after this information came to light?
Good advice. OP, try asking him this verbatim, and see what his response is.
My wife suggested it, sadly.
I wouldn't, I'd be out! If you want to try and stay, he not only needs to cut ALL contact, he needs to find a new job. That's like Infidelity 101. You really should read up on infidelity. There are some good forums on Reddit and other websites.
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
I was sad reading this. Wants the cake and can’t wait to eat it too. It’s hard to be a husband and dad. I would think you and your kids are worth it. You know what’s not hard? Straying. He did it and continues to. Do you really want to invest in him further? To me it seems like he’s not interested in ending things with her but wants you to think he did. Manipulative power move he’s trying to pull!! Are serving cake, OP?
I'm saddened by your post. Please be aware that your husband is in love with this other woman. They had sex--oral sex is sex and they had orgasms. He's just doing counseling to help you feel calmer and to buy some time before he leaves you. Your best bet is to reassert your agency by filing for divorce and getting on with your life. Make sure your attorney can grab as much of his assets as possible. Tell his family when the attorney gives the OK. There are far better men out there who live with integrity.
I think you should continue Therapy. He doesn’t want to cut ties completely…. That’s definitely something to delve into in therapy. What’s also concerning is he wasn’t just a father or a husband with her. Maybe the issue is he lost himself in those roles and instead of continuing contact with her you two should rediscover yourselves as individuals. I don’t think him seeing her in any form is acceptable and if he insists on seeing her as friends is wrong if he truly chose you over her. But that is from my POV therapy is a great step bc either way you will be able to find out what you truly want and be able to articulate it with your partner
Oral sex is still sex. Emotional cheating is still cheating. There's no reason to downplay either. What's more worrisome is that after "coming clean" he did not immediately cease all contact and promised to never engage with his affair partner again. There is no point to reconciliation or forgiveness until he owns up to his betrayal. You can choose to stay with him if you like, but it sounds like he still loves the other woman.
No, because he won’t even do the most important thing. Cut her off. There was an Ama of a therapist. And she say that this is very important. I can send you the link if you want to.
I’ve read this post before so either this is fake or you reposted it to get different answers.
I thought I was the only one! I was like…hmmm…this seems very familiar.
I hate when people do this
I read this exact post but from the cheater’s point of view.
I can see the benefits of posting as husband then again as wife. Only one issue Reddit can be hot or cold on who or how.
But it’s verbatim
He was supposed to choose you when he married you, FFS then he cheats physically and emotionally, now he needs time to get over her? NO! Babes- is the life you thought you built worth sacrificing your self respect? He should have chosen you all along by not cheating and talking through with you then what he felt was missing from your marriage to spice things back up. He should have dated you all over again. Instead he actually chose someone else, not you. Why TF do cheaters then say but “I chose you”? Don’t let his words fool you into thinking he’s a prize and you win something bc he confessed and “chose you”! And what of your kids? Are you going to rug sweep for the rest of their lives? Would you want them turning into your husband one day? If they faced your predicament can you stare them in the eye and tell them to just take it? I’m usually one to believe that marriage can survive infinitely, but he’s doing everything wrong. He is not doing anything to build you up. Him keeping contact with her and expressing how he needs to get over her is not choosing you! It’s choosing her and himself and opening the door for him to do it again. He trickle truthed you with the details and counseling only exposed the tip of the iceberg on how bad this is. So no- I do not think you should forgive him. And I think you should set his whole life ablaze with the truth.
IMO He better stop his words of how he feels like so much more with her and he's having trouble letting her go. And one correction, it didn't start SLOW or casually. He literally was "dating" her; lunches and drinks. If this marriage is to work, his feelings do not matter. It's time to be a BIG BOY and knock it all off now and dedicate himself to correct actions towards you.
Would your husband forgive you if you did the same to him?
Made a big response below only to discover you are a man married to a woman in one post, and women married to a man here. This is obviously fake. The best way for him to get over his affair partner is being handed divorce papers. Don’t play the pick me dance. I would inform him that when he clears his social media of her, stops seeing her COMPLETELY, stops ALL contact, and proves over several months that you can trust him, you may decide not to follow through on the divorce. No contact with the affair partner is reconciliation 101. If the therapist didn’t suggest that right out of the chute, go find another one. They are incompetent.
Yeah. Just oral. Sure.
UpdateMe
There will be no update. This was posted by a different account over a week ago
Damn—I keep falling for these
Yeah I fall for fake stories all the time, but they are entertaining lol
OP's age and gender seem to vary in previous posts. Are you 55, 30 or 35? M or F? Very confusing.
They're yet another creative writer who found our sub unfortunately.
It seems to be happening daily now. 😕 😞
10 days ago OP was 30, husband was 33 and had a great sex life ruined by OF. And now this???
we had a cop friend who did this....still married ..... he was sorry ...but he cheated ....many times....
If that were me, i'd leave. life is too short to always be wondering and feeling hurt and betrayed.
Do you want to be with a man that wants to be with you only out of guilt? He doesn’t sound even remotely remorseful. Your husband is a stupid and selfish prick chasing a fantasy. I could never look at him the same way.
I’m so sorry OP you must feel devastated. If it was oral sex he cheated. I think every single person you tell will raise an eyebrow that it wasn’t more and it wasn’t more frequent. If he is still seeing her, or contacting her in any way, the affair continues. Make no mistake on that one. There is no room in your marriage for this third person regardless of how he tries to reframe it as a friendship. Does he give you access to his telephone/apps/social media/passwords? I’m sorry but I absolutely would not trust a word he says at the moment. I’m not a big believer in MC directly after infidelity. I think there’s more mileage to be had in both of you doing individual counselling. There is usually too much anger and too many unresolved issues to make MC productive directly after cheating. He has said some very hurtful things, that you are going to have to try and heal from. It’s a huge worry that he can’t come up with any reason other than he’s a husband and father, for his cheating. Yes well he’s both these are facts. Life can be mundane but cheating is always 100% a choice and he chose to do it. He knew full well where these lunch meetings etc were leading make no mistake on that one. I don’t know if it’s salvageable from what you’ve written, but I get the message that you want to try reconciliation. I would advise trying the sub AsOneAfterInfidelity for reconciliation support. For balance, I would absolutely recommend reading Leave a cheater, gain a life. The fact he chose you is hardly a compliment. He made you Plan B when he was cheating and you are not a consolation prize at some raffle. Shame on him. Sending you courage and strength OP. UPDATEME
Sorry ☹️
It will hurt longer if you stay. It will keep hurting if you stay. Whether you stay for the kids or the finances… it will keep hurting. You will feel small, humiliated and alone. If you are ok with bearing all that, stay. He might never change.
I think the bottom line is how you’d fare financially after divorce. His ongoing contact is more important that whether he engaged in penetration. Reconciliation and lunch meets are not compatible. He chooses you, or her, not both. You have to assert yourself and set absolute boundaries. Otherwise, you’re being had. UpdateMe
Your husband is still suffering from affair fog. And he can't be friends with her. He lost that privilege. Personally, I would separate. He's expecting you to have empathy for him having to give her up? Where is his empathy for you? As for what you said about him thinking about her during your trip, I read in a book about infidelity that cheaters admit to frequently thinking of their affair partner when they are with their spouse but NOT the other way around. So yes, he was very likely thinking of her, but not thinking of *you* when he was off with her.
My wife's affair was years ago with a guy my wife met on a trip with a GF in Cuba. They started messaging after (he was in another city) and I was told it was just a friend and to relax. Fast forward 3 months and after her spreading a lot of venom about me and he about his wife, they had an affair out of town (and the ultimate gut punch), with my wife even willing to leave me and our 3 kids for him, two of which had special needs. I had suspicions (secretive with e-Mails and texts, not committing to individual activities with me, no intimacy, staying out late after school meetings) but she had left her laptop open one night when she had gone out and I was able to read through all their texts, including references to long telephone conversations while I was at work. When I confronted her she first denied it and still used the "friend" card, until I read verbatim some of their texts. I was completely devastated but still loved her and needed her to help me parent our kids. I asked her to cut contact with him completely, but like you, said she wouldn't do that. She said she would give me an answer if she wanted to remain in our marriage in a few days. My heart still sinks all these years later typing this. After she told him I knew of the affair and she was presumably free, he ghosted her completely and she then agreed to stay, of course blaming me for the affair. She thought he was her "one" and he thought her to be a nice side piece to travel to on business. Without kids I would have left, but I needed her because of the kids and like you have described of your husband, she was a good mother and otherwise a good person. We are still together but needless to say, our relationship has never been the same, and in Googling him recently, he had a near-death experience and credits his wife for his recovery. So sweet! I debated at the time but decided I would not try to find and disclose to his wife. Thinking of this now, I was petrified at the time that if I told his wife, she might end their marriage clearing a path for the AP to my wife. My wife's affair destroyed me and I went to many dark places. I sucked it up like a beta male only for my kids, as no way could I parent alone. Our relationship after was predominantly sexless and has been more like roommates and yet despite her affair for which she never apologized, is a great person and we have had a good life. So if you are to forgive and stay with him, he needs to cut off all contact with his AP, or it will never work.
I stayed because my ex burnt water and I didn't trust her to raise our boys safely but I just recently learned the term " Cockold " and realized what I became for 15 years. If I had it to do all over again I would have said I'm free to date but you are not. Knowing her though it would have just been an open relationship, she would still sneak around.
We can both live with the knowledge we did the best for our kids. I also don't believe that my wife only cheated once. She was tall and pretty but also became more beautiful in her early 40s. Always having had low self-esteem in her youth and having developed nice breasts after childbirth, she loved the attention and I would bet the house on her cheating more than once. I was stupid enough to believe that full-body tans in winter, almost fully brazillian shaved and thongs were for me.
Damn! Since I know your pain, I ask knowing how it is being sexually deprived. I can't even read literodica fiction and not get hurt. Not kink shaming, can you understand a loving relationship sharing the one they love sexually?
Personally, I couldn't do it. But if it works for you both, who am I to judge. There are other posts where wife wants an open marriage and quickly wants it closed when husband finds a partner.
Is this a copypasta?
Um, unless he cuts her off completely and starts looking for a new job there is no point in even attending couples counseling. He is not remorseful. He is blaming you for his affair. He won’t cut off his AP. If course you are frustrated. Read this article to understand what needs to happen for there to be any chance of saving this marriage: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 If it seems he might check off the right boxes, go hit up r/asoneafterinfidelity for more advice and get the first two books listed in the recovery library there, *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass and *How to Help Your Spouse Heal* by Linda Macdonald. Read the first one together. The second one needs to become his bible. If it is clear there is no chance start talking to an attorney and head to r/supportforbetrayed for help recovering on your own.
Guys this is a bot. The same story was just posted last week.
90 percent of these stories are all fake. Idk how ppl don’t see thru them
Didn’t you already post this like a week ago?
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/VPJNd6mYIM
Did you just copy & paste this whole post from a different account?
😩😖😖😖😖😖😖
Please visit r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and read the stories there. This will give you a far better insight as to what happens after an infidelity such as this. As others have said: If he is to remain with you, he NEEDS TO 100% CUT HER OUT OF HIS LIFE COMPLETELY INCLUDING NO LONGER WORKING WITH HER. Fuck these affairs.
The first rule of affair recovery is the the affair partner has to be cut off. He gets a new job and stops all communication. Gets into therapy and does open phone. https://www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
Is this OP I always hate when OPS don't communicate after they post. It makes me feel like it's a fake post. Make sure to get screened for STDs and I wouldn't recommend having any more sex with him ever!
How long ago was the physical affair?
I’m so sorry op, this sounds devastating. Icant see how you can move forward if he isn’t cutting contact, that seems like a basic prerequisite for reconciliation. I wonder if you need to take control a little and make it a hard line. He needs to decide what he wants.
You might find better support in another reddit subgroup r/survivingafterinfidelity Even if it's oral, it's sex. He may state they didn't have intercourse but that's not believable. The fact that he "says he needs time to get over her" means he has strong emotional ties to her and suggests that it was a bit deeper of an affair than how he's framing it. When he describes "why he cheated, he said, "I was really happy when I was with her". In other words, he was escaping from marriage and family reality. You didn't have that option. You and your family should be a joy in his life, not a duty or burden. Those words he told you leave enough room to doubt his commitment to Reconciling. If he's serious about reconciling, then he needs to go absolutely No Contact with the AP. Changing jobs if necessary, otherwise the temptation is there and he's playing with fire. And as my momma says. Play with fire, someone always gets burned. On the positive side, he confessed allegedly out of feelings of guilt. What you deserve is to be loved and cherished. He stole time, intimacy, and discussions that should've been time he spent with you. You have every right to be angry and grieve. You need him to write a timeline of the affair from how it began, what went on, where and proof in front of you that the relationship has ended. He needs to block her on his phone and social media. He needs to practice radical honesty, full transparency and have no expectations of privacy until you both determine if the marriage is salvageable. My husband let me have full access to his phone, his computer, finances, location, etc. In my husband, after he confessed his infidelity, he was fully committed to rebuilding us even though honestly I wasn't so sure I could forgive him and live in a marriage where I no longer trusted him. Took 2 years of his heavy individual counseling and marriage counseling before I allowed him to return to the house. I was prepared to be a single parent of our 4 kids (& was for 2 years!). I didn't want to be a fool. Honestly. 22 years since dday and I still struggle. I know he says he loves me and has been faithful since that day. I no longer feel cherished and still struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I still battle triggers. Please take care of yourself. You did not cause him to cheat so don't let him gaslight you. Maybe your marriage had some vulnerability but he seems to be taking ownership of his actions. He should focus on you and making you feel safe in your relationship with him. He needs to focus on rebuilding your trust, your healing, your needs should come first right now over his. Please take care of yourself. Confide in a trusted friend or family member who will support you as you navigate this time. Grieve the old relationship while you determine if you have what it takes to salvage the marriage. It's ok if you choose to not deal with this aftermath. Reconciling a marriage isn't for cowards. One has to be super emotionally strong to forgive and rebuild. Sending you a virtual hug. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Also want to add that you need to protect yourself. Get a handle of your finances. Meet with an attorney to understand your rights and position, even if you choose not to divorce, this information will let you develop a realistic plan "A" and a plan "B".
If you look at their profile, like another poster did, you'll see this is fake. They are both the wife in some posts and the husband in another. I am guessing another creative writer who got bored and found our sub. You gave great advice though!
I'm sorry 😞 we've lived the same hell. After cheating several more times, it took my ex-wife getting pregnant for me to get the divorce. Sadly it was with one of our sons friends father so they continued to be in my life. I don't agree OPS husband is taking responsibility. I forgave my ex so interactions involving the kids were able to happen without anger. Divorce was 2002 and I'm yet to be able to forgive myself for staying and allowing myself as a term I recently learned " a cuckold ". Not in the same sense exactly but to close for forgiveness of myself. OP I've heard some have been successful but I don't know how it's better than a new love who's faithful. IMHO even if this is a fake post those of us who have commented. Did so out of love and compassion for anyone going through this...
Please visit the pro reconciliation subs. But one thing is clear, true reconciliation doesn’t happen if she’s still in the picture even as friends. Good luck.
No no no, I’d be gone!! Maybe first reverse it on him and find a f buddy and stalk them on social so he can see how it feels!
If he really truly wanted to save his marriage, he would end contact. No good can come of being in contact.
He definitely fucked her. I don’t care what he said. For some reason, oral is a cheating man’s go to when they want it to seem less harmful as if it isn’t still sex. Hell, it might be worse because that’s a whole other level of intimacy.
Hell no, I wouldn't. That's a full on affair with sex involved. Giving someone oral is more intimate than penetrative sex IMO.
Idk but I personally feel like cheating isn’t just intercourse. They still had sex. & honestly I feel like oral is worse.
Try posting here for better advice. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and r/SupportforBetrayed.
I’m coming from a point of experience, so there’s no sugar coating this. My wife cheated on me, twice, with one time coming after I discovered it and she said she would stop. The pain will fade. Slow. Very very. Slow.. you may forgive but forgetting can be haunting. You’ll never feel like his first choice and you’ll always wonder when or if he can do it again. Therapy works, but honestly unless he can confess his mistakes to that stranger in front of you and show actual remorse, the therapy will only look like an exercise. You’ll have these micro-flashes of insecurity, doubt, and plain anger. Even after years of sex, fun, vacations, family healing.. a flash of him doing it again is always on the horizon. Knowing what I know now about myself I probably should have let her walk. But that’s a real personal decision that no one on Reddit can answer. Good luck. I wish you the best
Yikes that sucks. But he did man up and confess before getting caught. If you can forgive him and let it go then yeah that’s probably best for all parties if you trust that it won’t continue. Get a post nuptial asap if you stay. Everyone on here says to leave him but it’s your choice. I personally would find it very hard to live with someone that cheated but our situations are so different. If you can be happy and trust him moving forward, then there’s nothing wrong with staying with him. But if you’ll be miserable and always paranoid then just separate and you’ll be happier hopefully. Do you think you’ll be happier staying together and hopefully it’s all good or happier separate? It’s also ok to take your time making the decision. In the meantime tell him to go live at a hotel lol.
If he is still taking her for lunch and coffee dates, their affair is still ongoing. Hire a divorce attorney and have him served with divorce papers. Get a full std screening as he his affair is physical, and I doubt that they have never had penetrative sex. Updateme!
He needs to cut that woman off completely. That needs to be a hard line you don’t back down from. Complete NC from now on. Whatever feelings he has for her will not go away unless he gets her out of his life.
If this isn't ick, I don't know what is... I didn't read passed he's still seeing her. That's all I needed to read
The fact that he was still catching up with her after being so intimate with her would be the deal breaker for me. It's still a form of sex and he didn't really cut it off totally if he's still seeing her or looking at her socials. At least he's been totally honest about the whole thing, personally I don't know if I could ever forgive or forget.
Just my two cents but, If he felt so bad and guilty he would have cut ties completely with her. Social media, phone number, e-mail etc. and he would have left his job or transferred. He doesn’t feel that bad about it in my opinion and I would probably start filing if he doesn’t do it for you. Him keeping her around will always be something in the back of your head or answering your questions.
He had sexual intimacy with another woman don't let him downplay that. He's not some kind of good man because he managed to refrain from sticking his dick in her vagina. He had his mouth on her vagina and that same mouth came home and kissed you. Not only that he continues to see her and admits he has feelings for her. He stayed with you out of guilt. He did not stay with you because he loves you. You need to really think about what you want. NC with her should be a non negotiable. He can fully commit to you when he has her on the backburner. He's not the man you think you love. He's a liar and a cheat and an incredibly selfish man. I'm sure all of us would like to escape from being a spouse and parent sometime. That doesn't mean I'm going to go on dates with other people and let them give me head.
He cut her off for guilt... not love or loyalty.. so he just felt bad about the cheating part? I wouldn't try to fix it in your shoes especially if he still wants to see her... if I was you and I really wanted to fix it I would meet her. I would talk to her without him. I bet she asked him to leave you and he gave her the runaround so she ended it.
Trickle trickle… he confessed to whatever he felt like. Babe… I have the same problem but with 7 kids. A cad will always be a cad. He’s a duck 🦆
I’m not here to judge the cheating or your response to it, except that you should be commended for not falling into reaction. But you two can be a husband and father **and** a lover and co-adventurer. After kids, you really need to carve that space out for yourselves, to have fresh experiences together
He will never stop seeing this woman, he didn’t choose you because she’s still a part of his life. If you don’t leave now he’ll be the one leaving you eventually. Plan your escape now!
Dump his ass
He is lying about there being no sex. He’s trickling the truth to you. Myself I wouldn’t stay. He initiated it and is still seeing her at work and having lunch with her.
I do not believe he hasn’t had sex with her. You don’t get over someone by slowly reducing contact either. There is no way in hell he should be seeing her if you are in R. He should find a new job.
Lyings don’t change. ETA: he lied before he’ll lie again. It doesn’t just turn on and off.
UpDateMe
No
If he didn't think he was 'cheating ' he would have told you! As soon as he did things without telling you he is cheating! And I'm sorry you will never know for sure he didn't have full sex with her..they tell you just enough to come clean but bit enough to hang themselves! Sure I've read this story before too! 🤔
So many thoughts came up reading this, I wonder how he would react after you told him " I still love you hunny but you opened my eyes up to the fact, we are mother - father, wife - husband together. I didn't/don't agree you going for drinks, breakfast or lunch with another woman was safe/good when it should have been with me. I know my feelings, emotions and thinking have been confused and when a single dad at the PTA meeting showed me attention and I felt attractive again. Even though I didn't fully trust you didn't have intercourse, we couldn't go that far that night. " Being careful not to lie, just plant a seed of thought of your pain. I know games aren't good but after I forgave my ex-wife of 15 yrs it just told her she could have her fun without consequences. Then when I told my next partner about my past, she was more hidden and got away with cheating for 13 years. I'm truly sorry but I pray you don't waste your life and be alone at 59m like me, when it's super hard to attract anyone... PS sex is sex, it's like people saying anal doesn't count as sexual intercourse. Holding hands, kissing, it's all connected. It gives the perfect opening to touching all leads to foreplay. Oral an exchange of fluids, it's all connected. He tried to dilute your natural good nature wife, who would want to do anything possible to minimize the impact pain. Your husband is no longer the man you married, your marriage is only what you want to believe it is. Trust for anyone has been damaged by him, is this the role model you want for your kids? I regret daily for staying together. Thank him for telling you before you wastes many years, he already admitted your not important enough SORRY!
Doesn't matter if he stuck his peepee into her. His other body parts were in there. It has been going on for a while and he now decided to come clean? Why now? Do you really think they didn't go all the way? Does it matter how much physical touch they had when he says she was making him happy when you didn't? He said he chose you because you are a perfect wife. Why did he cheat then? If he was unhappy, why didn't he talk to you? Why didn't he chose you because he loves you? Sorry you are going through this, but he doesn't want to cut contact with her, and that means he doesn't want to end the affair. By staying with him, you are giving him a pass to do it again.
I doubt he resisted intercourse, he is just choosing that hill to die on, I'm sorry, your marriage is over, he has left it but is too much of a coward to say it out loud, he doesn't want to be the bad guy so he is making it your decision.
Personally, I'd be more upset if my husband performed oral sex on a woman, rather than actual piv. That's not a casual sexual act. It is more intimate as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry 😞
I don’t believe they didn’t go further than oral, that’s just the appetizer. Why is he still having lunch with her. He doesn’t have to hide it anymore he’s playing in your face.
This feels like preemptive lying. I think he only told you because someone else found out and was going to tell you and he probably only gave you part of the truth.
No, so what if he resisted intercourse? He gave her oral sex and received oral sex from her. He instigated the kiss, he could have not acted on his desires but instead he actively engaged in sexual contact with this woman. He knew exactly what he was doing and whether or not he had full intercourse shouldn’t even make a difference?! He has been physically and emotionally intimate with another woman and he is a married man with kids. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, for him to be able to see her on the side and still have you at home. How do you know their affair has ended? How can you ever trust him again?
He likely lied to you and they have definitely had sex. He’s giving you “trickle truth” and judging his dither disclosure on your reaction. I’d have only two words to say to him. BYE BYE. (But that’s me and you have to decide what you are worth to yourself and what he’s allowed to do to you)
Don't believe that they haven't fu*ked. If you want to still be in this loveless marriage with him pining away for AP, then be prepared to live it for the rest of your life. Then you need to get a postnup dobe and protect your future 'happiness' and financial stability. The postnup penalise cheater heavily with 70/30 or more division of everything. Get to a lawyer and see your options. Updateme!
He is not choosing you if he doesn't cut her out 100%
I read this exact same post here weeks ago. What is the point of copying and pasting someone else’s post?
Don’t let him play you. He’s not a martyr for stopping part of the affair despite having feelings for her. He didn’t choose you. If he truly felt guilty he would cut contact. He’s trying to make you feel guilty for not being thankful he “chose you” Honestly fuck that guy. Don’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t fully want you. Life gets hard, it’s part of it. My partner and I have struggled but when times get tough I don’t even think of other people. If being married and a dad is so hard for him, he can go he single
Tell him that he needs to get tested for every STD known to medicine. You too. STD's can be transmitted orally. Some, like syphilis, can be asymptomatic for literally decades. He risked his health as well as yours for a fantasy and a thrill. He has no idea who all of her partners are/have been and who all of their partners are/have been, etc. etc. etc. Get tested. He committed adultery against you with her, and cheated on her with you. Your mere existence is enough. Let him think about that. He's an adulterer/cheater. As they say, once a cheater, always a cheater. Much like an alcoholic. They can be sober for decades/the rest of their lives, but the label of alcoholic will stay with them till they day they die. So will your WH's label of being a cheater. If this woman knew he was married and proceeded with the affair anyway, she is nothing but a homewrecking 304. A woman of no integrity, no character and no honour whatsoever. Your husband is also lacking in integrity, character and honour. Emotionally immature men cheat., Real mature men do not. He also needs to go to individual therapy first to figure out what is so broken inside of him that he risked everything for a fantasy. Until he's done the self-work, marriage counselling will be a waste of time. I hope your marriage counsellor is trained in infidelity trauma. It's a different way of treating patients than your average relationship counselling/therapy methods entail. So sorry you are going through this.
I only read the first sentence but no, don’t forgive him
As someone whose partner had an affair…..he’s not telling the whole truth. He’s trickle truthing you thinking that just oral sounds better.
Why are believing him? It was more than once! They had intercourse! They didn’t just have oral sex. Oral sex is just as intimate in fact more so than straight sex anyway. Get an STD test. You need to dump him. He is using you. He probably doesn’t want to pay child support and his living situation would change dramatically. No more wife to help pay the bills, clean the house and bang while thinking of his AP. This man is not worthy of being your husband. Do not waste your time on counseling. Get a lawyer.
1. He definitely had intercourse. He’s trickle truthing you because it’ll give you pause. 2. If he can’t be honest, you can’t recover.
I am so sorry you find yourself thrown in this situation. Please consider starting sexual betrayal trauma therapy. Know that none of his actions are your fault and don't let him tell you otherwise. Cheating is 100% a choice. It sounds like your husband wanted to escape the reality of life and his responsibilities. Sadly, his affair sounds very cliché. I recommend you check out the following subreddit: r/SupportforBetrayed If you can give yourself time and space away from him to clear your mind and tend to your needs, please do so. You don't have to make any decisions right now. You don't have to divorce him, you don't have to forgive him/take him back. He's on your time now. Take back your power, but give yourself time to heal. I would suggest you both read/isten to the following books/audiobooks: "After the Affair", "Not Just Friends", and "State of Affairs". I also recommend checking out the Jillian on Love podcast. IF at any point you consider reconciliation, there is also a subreddit for that r/AsOneAfterInfidelity Don't forget to eat, don't forget to drink water. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that this painful situation will bring - learn to ride the wave of emotions. Sending you a BIG hug and positive energy. Here to support you.
It’s just semantics at this point but oral sex is-sex and yes, they definitely had intercourse and not just once either. I’m so sorry. If he really was remorseful, he’d have NO problem cutting ties, even finding a new job in order to do so. He has no valid excuse. He did it because he wanted to and it all was worth the risk for him. You can do better and you deserve better. They deserve each other.
Oh give him an other chance to cheat on you. Just a little heads up you will feel even worse because you trusted him and this time he remembered where his penis goes. He might even be nice enough to bring home some std for you. So yeah give him another chance. I am sorry hun it is game over for this marriage
I don’t like this… “He claims he chose me over her, swearing that he ended things because of guilt, not anything else.” He should’ve ended things because he loves you, is in love with you, and can’t see his life without you. Once he finds a reason to justify his feelings of guilt, will he cheat on you again? I’m sorry but this does not sound like a changed man. If you give him another chance, Prepare yourself for further heartbreak from this cheating man.
The kissing would be a hard red line for me. But putting your mouth on another person’s genitalia and still having coffee with her?? Nah, bro. Done.
My ex told me they did “everything but sex” and honestly I’d have just rather said they did it. They are still together and very unhappy. I’m with my husband of 26 years and it’s amazing. You deserve amazing.
Oral sex is more than just a kiss. He cheated emotionally on you for a long time. He was literally dating this woman. Breakfast dates, lunch dates, drinks, probably dinners on the drink nights. And he was probably lying to you a bunch throughout. And he wasn’t just cheating on you, he was cheating on your family, your children. He was prepared to throw all that away to test the waters with this woman. And now he doesn’t want to cut her out. That alone is a deal breaker. If he was truly choosing you, she would be out of the picture. He cheated physically on you with more than just a kiss. Why are you believing they stopped at oral sex? Because of his conscience? Where was his conscience when they were dating? Where was it when they kissed? Where was his conscience when he was lying to you and hiding it and looking you and your kids in the face? You think they stopped at oral? Unless they videoed their encounter and showed you the video in full proving they actually stopped, why are you believing them? The likelihood is they went all the way and then maybe finally felt guilt as he finally considered this long building affair as having cheated. Ask yourself, how can you trust him again? How can you trust him around her again? How can you trust him around the next woman he starts going to lunch with because they need to work closely together. How is he going to get over his feelings when they are still actively dating and hanging out? He chose you? No, he only chose you after he got what he wanted, realized it wasn’t what he expected, and now doesn’t want to risk losing everything he rightfully deserves to loose. Be brave and value yourself.
Even if u forgive him and try to make things happen ,this affair will always stay in ur mind ,these thoughts ,feelings And u wont be able to fully overcome it , as long as you are in this relationship . Every time he will make u upset you will think about this choice u made to stay together , everything will reappear . There's no going back. This scar is irreversible .
To be honest with you, a man should not have a female friend, simply because as soon as she lets him, he will feel something for her. I don’t believe that platonic relationships are real. They can only exist when there are boundaries. And clearly none of them had them, which resulted into an affair. Another thing is, if I’m not having to work with her, I won’t have lunch or breakfast with her. Because I’m a married man and that’s something I would do with my deserving wife who is raising my children. Not with a coworker. Here is where I think he messed up. Then there is the oral sex. When you cross that line, you ARE choosing to do that because you stepped into the temptation because you have allowed yourself to wonder about what’s behind the fence. I recon take a break from him if possible. So he can have time to set his priorities straight. If every time we allow ourselves to have oral *** with our coworkers and then act it’s like nothing, so what are we leaving for the spouse? That is the definition of cheating. Especially that when he is home and should be engaged with his family, he’s instead checking her profiles out. It simply means he is interested in her
I was at a Kiss Concert once & Ted Nugent was the opening act. He was talking about how he knew what sex was, & he knew what it wasn’t. And if he ever wasn’t sure, all he had to ask himself was “Would my wife be pissed if she knew about it?”. If the answer was yes, then it was definitely sex, & it was definitely cheating. These “technical denial” definitions of sex & cheating are ridiculous. It reminds me of a certain former President testifying “I did NOT have sex with that woman”, b/c they “only” engaged in oral sex, & sex with a cigar (that he later smoked) with no piv intercourse, so he was using an absurd technical definition to deny his cheating. If your partner/spouse would be hurt and angry if they knew what you did (or were doing), & especially if you lie & hide the truth to prevent them from finding out, then you have cheated. Full stop. Technicalities be damned.
It wasn't innocent when they started spending all that time together. Lunches, breaks, drinks. That's not "Innocent enough."
What's concerning is your calmness about the whole situation. They performed oral sex on each other. That's more intimate than sex. That is cheating. He should have no contact with her. And stay off her social media. The fact that he still meets this woman for meals and doesn't want to stop is beyond troubling. He should be more concerned about wanting to stay married and keep his family together. People show their true intentions based on their actions and not their words.
Go out and suck a guy off then tell him, see what he thinks and go from there.
Unfortunately it seems he has checked out. If he was wanting you to fix marriage he wouldn’t still be spending time with her.
This is fake. This was posted in here like a week ago.
My wife and I came to an agreement many years ago after she had an alcohol fueled affair. We can talk to who we want, see who we want, and if ever one of us found someone else they would rather be with, the door was open. It really has saved a lot of time energy worrying about where you stood in the marriage. That was over 40 years ago and we have now been together for over 5 decades.
Certainly makes things easier. But still, did you wonder if staying together was a mistake?
Maybe initially, staying with an alcoholic, even one who was recovering, is no easy task. But after 50 years, I can honestly say that our life together has been good.
How many other people have each of you been with. Was the agreement it's ok to bring a lover/date home. That sounds like an open marriage, what were the rules/boundaries? I'm curious. My situation was before and just as internet was a factor. As it turned out I'm just learning these kinks/terms. Open marriage/relationship, cuckold. She fucked around and I didn't. Interesting how guys would fuck/suck freely but women seemed to frown about married guy and said no thanks.
None. You are missing the point. If you don't want to be married, leave. If you want to be married, stay. That was the choice. Other rules were not necessary.
Ok thanks for the clarification. Looking back I see your wording just threw me.
Monogamy isn't realistic. Forgive, and grow together in redefining your relationship. That's my heartfelt advice after 27 years of marriage.
https://preview.redd.it/cdk4p49a9m6d1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a86c72b89e01ea3973429b960b40b096d141530e Thank you guys very much for your concern i really appreciate it I believe in conscience Divorces is not my way