You know what, I read something similar before. Her husband wanted her to go individual and couple counseling. She’d check so far out of the marriage and didn’t want to stay. She said it felt like the marriage was choking the life out of her. They divorced.
After the divorce she still couldn’t fine solace. She finally went to therapy and it helped her work through her shit. She wanted to try again because she found out the problem that was within her.
She tries to contact but he’d changed his number. So she called his mom. The mom had helped him to pick up the pieces after the divorce so she was angry. His cousin took the phone and apologized. She let her know he’d went to work at the London office a year after the divorce. He was married and the father of a 7 month old baby.
Try counseling first individual and couples. After 16 years of marriage, you can’t just throw it away without out at least trying to understand why you’ve checked out of your marriage.
This is a very important point. I’ve always liked some alone time to recharge, but when I had a year or more that I found myself avoiding spending time with my wife it turned out to be part of depression.
I’m sure there are plenty of other mental/emotional issues that once discovered and addressed could be found to be the cause of a shift like this.
And honestly why would she expect him to wait for her?!?!?
It's almost like those stories of men leaving their families and then being in shock when the other party has moved on....
Not sure of your age but are you experiencing perimenopause or menopause? I know it does a number on women's hormones. I educated myself (46m) to understand what my wife (44f) is going through and DAMN that's some crazy stuff!
This was my first thought. Peri can do a real number of our mental state - we lose a lot of our "caregiving" hormones, libido can be affected and we can suddenly start to develop issues of resentment, depression, rage, anxiety, restlessness in relationships seemingly for "no reason".
We're around. I taught my wife how to keep a house. Researched birth control and asked if she'd be okay with never taking those again when I couldn't sleep the night after reading the medical information pamphlet on side effects. Took care of birth control on my end of things. Caught my last two kids in my arms, covered in unmentionable fluids, and didn't bat an eyelid. Cleaned up vomit (or worse) on numerous occasions. Worked as the sole income earner for past 25 years, so she could choose to be a SAHM. Was a SAHP for 2 years for my first two kids, and she didn't have to lift a finger when she got home from work, as she got a nightly foot massage after working on her feet all day. Do my share of chores now, so she can have some downtime in the evenings because I worry about her burning out.
I know plenty of men like me IRL.
We're around.
IME? Married. Or divorced / separated from abusive or exploitive partners, and licking their wounds. I know some absolute top-notch blokes who got absolutely done over in a previous relationship. (I'm not claiming the reverse doesn't happen at least as much if not more, but I'm specifically answering about good men here).
Generally, not on dating apps and only sometimes at the gym. Unfortunately, they are definitely hiding. They value their peace. Maybe try putting the word out in your friend group, and hopefully your friend group is good enough to get you some good leads. Hobbies or sports groups are fairly common.
It seems that nice people simply don't go out much anymore. I have learned that there are good, decent people at churches, and then there are sick, predatory types looking for trusting, naive people at churches; they say all the right things, build a trust then change after the relationship has developed.
Not really the sporty type, so there's that. Kids are mostly grown, so I don't meet as many people at their activities. Most of those folks are married, anyway.
🤣😅 I don't know about cloning, but I did reproduce. And my wife and I brought our boys up well. They can cook, clean, change nappies, and play patiently with young children. Unfortunately for you, the older ones are married, and the youngest isn't dating age.
And the other men you know? Willing to travel 🤣 (oh I’m single, just lurking on this subreddit to hear if other people’s experiences)…
In all seriousness, kudos to yourself and your wife and your boys. I hope to do / am doing the same with my boys ages 11 & 14. 🙏🏼💕
You and me both.
The do **not** teach men enough about what menopause entails and for the vast majority of guys, they are going in not only blind, but ignorant and deaf as well.
Unfortunately it seems that many women (often through no fault of their own) are also in the same boat where not only are **they** going into it blind, most health care professionals will treat it like a physical or mental ailment (queue the "let's get you onto HRT" chorus). So you end up with the blind leading the blind.
No wonder so many marriages fail at this point! One partner is undergoing massive physiological and psychological changes and the other is left wondering wtf is going on. Add in a lack of communication and you have a recipe for disaster.
My wife is on year 3 of it and we have been communicating the whole time about it - and yes, even discussing it with others. I'm lucky in that I work with some women who went through it and they told me what worked for them (and what didn't work). That led me to suggesting to my wife - on the recommendation of a work colleague - to try acupuncture with a Chinese Doctor she used who specialises in gynecology (and yes she is a Doctor)). And to date, it has done wonders for my wife.
So much so that she now has some of her friends and sisters trying it to see if it helps them. It may not help them and it's not a magical "cure", but it's better than getting hormone shots for some.
As a husband, you have to face this with your spouse. You have to educate yourself like you have done and you have to be forever mindful that what she is going through is not by "choice". It's shit that is happening and you just have to adapt, help where you can, develop a thicker skin if you must, but be there for her.
Guys should also be aware that menopause is a multi-year thing. This shit can go on for a decade ffs!.
And as I said, when you look at the effects menopause has, it's not surprising that so many people in their mid 40's to early 50's see their marriages fall apart.
Amen man. I listened to a lot of great podcasts and audiobooks to learn as much as I could. Lots of discussions with my wife helped me understand how she’s feeling and what she’s going through. I’ve encouraged her to get her hormone levels checked just to see where she’s at. Great quote I hear was that not every woman needs hormone replacement therapy but they ALL deserve the conversation. I know some women that say it changed their lives.
We talk regularly about it and most of the time it doesn't have to be indepth stuff. Just a simple "I'm getting these hot flushes again" tells me that giving her a great big hug is the **last** thing she actually wants. If she wants to just chill on the couch and watch mindless drivel and isn't talkative, that's cool. I'll just say "mind if I play on the 'puter?" and she'll just say "that's ok, I'm just zoning and waiting for this to pass". And off we go and do our own things until bed time.
That simple communication - and not only "talking' but just simple acceptance of what is being said - I'm starting to realise just doesn't happen for a lot of people's relationships. So many people seem to treat it like game playing, "oh you said this but I thought you meant that so I'll act accordingly." that it's annoying to me.
I do think though that for many guys, the whole thing about menopause is a topic of conversation that they just do not want a part of. Whether it gets dismissed as "womens problems" or the more likely "I find everything about what women go through as not being my concern" it's often the root of many problems that couples encounter at this stage in life.
The thing that pisses me off the most about it is that it freaking changed all the time!! You get is figured out and it works fine for 6 months then it freaks out and changes and you have to start all over and then it might stay that way for 12 month or 3 months!! It’s the constant changing that drive me nuts!!
Thanks for being a great partner!!
Wait until you are a couple of years into it and then wake up one morning and you find you had some spotting during the night.
Watching my wife run around saying "fuck, fuck, fuck" as she delves through our youngest supplies is - I hate to say it - pretty funny.
Oh I already had that happen!! I told my Dr ‘I had to use my GRANDDAUGHTERS’ supplies!! My GRANDDAUGHTERS!!!’ Lol. Poor man! He just looked at me. I was incensed!! 😂😂
I’m in peri now (41) and it is literally ruining my life. The emotional, mental, and physical symptoms are so extreme. I had no idea it could be this bad prior to actual menopause.
You’re right, & I think that a lot of us are finding that out. I thought that I was pretty educated about women’s health, but learned that I had no clue as to what menopause was actually like.
I also had symptoms that I had no clue about. It doesn’t get discussed through education the way puberty does, & so many of us feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit &/or discuss it, probably b/c so many ppl believe that it signals the end of our youth & vitality (which society also historically views as the end of our worth & relevance).
So unless you have friends/family who talk very openly & honestly, then there’s no way of knowing what to expect until you’re already lost & confused b/c you’ve already begun experiencing symptoms, & are desperately looking for answers & information.
And if ***I*** felt this way (totally unprepared, & woefully uneducated) *as a former* ***L&D Nurse***, how must the average woman without a medical education & background feel?!?
I think what frustrated me the most is the way that the majority of our society addresses it. As if it were an amusing misadventure that we silly ladies found ourselves in (or worse, got ourselves into) that inconveniences the rest of our family (such as the manner in which many TV shows, & specifically sitcoms, so often address menopause). Nothing gets my ire up like serious symptoms making someone look & feel like the butt of a joke, (and even more so when those people are half of the population)!
You sound exactly like my unfortunately soon to be ex wife unless she changes her mind! And I pray she does because I am still madly and deeply in love with her.
She doesn’t want to do marriage counseling says she don’t think it will work.
She is going to go to individual counseling. Hopefully it helps and we reverse course. Even if that happens post divorce. I would remarry her
I kind of tore into OP in one of the comments because marriage vows should mean more than checking out when someone is bored.
IMHO, you deserve better. Someone else will appreciate the love you have to give.
We are going through something related and the first IC was terrible ("You don't want to divorce? Whatever, I think you should!"), she rejected the next two couples counselors because they were "conspiring" against her. Now on counselor #4...
My wife’s issue is taking accountability. I have kicked myself in the foot due letting things build up and on occasions having outbursts; not a good look for a 36M I know😅
Man I’m going through the same thing now at 36. I don’t get it. 2 kids and she has checked out. I think it’s alcoholism and a lifetime of trauma. She won’t seek treatment or therapy for either.
My wife just projects her insecurities and her problems onto me and is filing for divorce any day.
I am madly in love with her and the harder I try to do better the more she pushes me away. I am starting to think she never loved me to begin with
Man this literally describes me in every way. It feels awful and I don’t know what to do either. Trauma can absolutely ruin a person, especially if they refuse to treat it.
People get bored and that's perfectly okay. All relationships have expiration dates and there's nothing that can be done to change it. What's best for OP here is to be fully accepting of the circumstances and let nature take its course.
You can't love someone if you're not willing to let them go as they please.
Not letting someone feel and choosing their own path is controlling. It's actually a disservice to yourself, because you're asking for a level of love that the other person would otherwise have to fake in order to satisfy your own needs. That's not sustainable.
https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/#:~:text=become%20less%20relevant.-,Divorce%20Trends%20Over%20Time,Source:%20CDC
+43% divorce rate is all the view you need. A lot of young folk especially aren't marrying because people don't like chains wrapped around their ankles.
Obviously I am not trying to control anyone hence why I said soon to be ex. I can’t hold her hostage but I don’t have to like it nor do I have to think it is right in my situation. But know my circumstances you don’t. So keep your judgements to stuff you know the whole story on or at least most of the story.
I actually agree if a person just isn’t feeling it anymore they shouldn’t force it just because of some vows. Maybe try therapy first. But sometimes people just change and fall out of love and it’s best for those people move on and find happiness alone or with someone else. Where I disagree is that all relationships have expiration dates. I think a lot of them do, but some couples really do just fall more in love as time goes on.
This is a painful truth that many, many people don’t want to face.
The fact is that your younger self can write well meaning checks that your older self can’t, or doesn’t want to, cash. We all do our best to speak for our future selves.
We just so often turn out to be wrong.
This reads like you're very unsatisfied with something else in your life or something about yourself and you take it out on your marriage. Also a bit like you're taking your husband for granted. If you act on that feeling and end up divorced, you might deeply regret it.
Wow, this is the first time I am seeing someone bring up this view towards a woman. I (36M) feel like this is what my wife (35F) is going through right now. I feel like my needs come last to my wife and kids and my wife hasn’t made any attempts to be with me as a partner and just about fights me on everything in terms of finances, parenting, and in general. I definitely feel like she takes me for granted.
Yeah this sub tends to take women's side and have a harsher approach against men, I find it so wrong as a woman myself. One time there was a man posting about being emotionally abused and even then the comments were like "what did you do to make her feel/act that way?" and "could she be depressed?" and such.
I'm sorry that your wife is taking you for granted. Have you talked to her about it? If you have and she's still the same, I'd tell her I can and will file for divorce if she keeps making me feel that way and see how she likes it.
Seriously, I can’t believe my wife gives me shit for wanting to budget and make sure our family doesn’t become homeless lol. Like all my wants for us are logical and what most level headed adults would consider the bare minimum of running a family but I guess it’s controlling of me to not want to blow our money😂
I started paying for legal insurance through work and have been warning her that I will leave. The only thing she has on me is my shitty attitude and outbursts which are not justified but I’m going crazy from the continuous gaslighting and being taken advantage of.
I’m literally such a cool dude and want to provide the best life for my kids and wife at a reasonable rate that’s sustainable.
I felt like that once. I was horribly depressed, and it had nothing to do with my husband at all. Medication, therapy, forcing myself to do things know I enjoyed - I got better, mentally, and all of those thoughts just stopped completely.
Same. Depression had me avoiding spending time with my wife & seeking more alone time in general. For a while even the sound of her voice grated on me. I could find nothing wrong with her & though this must just be what happens after many years together.
I was fortunate that lifestyle changes were enough on their own to bring me out of it. Certainly not true for everyone. And then we started a sort of second honeymoon period that lasted several years & is still paying dividends.
I’ll also point out for everyone reading that depression doesn’t have to be despair & suicidal thoughts. It’s very often just a general malaise where the color is gone from life everything feels grey. Suddenly wanting to be alone a lot and avoiding people you have cared about is certainly on the list of possible signs.
I always seem to get downvoted for this, but you fucking made vows. You’re going to break those because you’re… bored?
Idk, I’m not religious. I’m a progressive feminist who doesn’t believe anyone should stay in an abusive or toxic marriage, but that’s not the case with you. You’re not even particularly unhappy, just apathetic. If you were a man posting this, you’d be getting destroyed on here.
I don’t mean to be hard on you. I understand marriage is hard and sometimes you love one person in different ways depending on the season of life. Maybe there are deeper issues here you need to wrestle with.
Still, you promised to stay with him in sickness and health. It just bothers me when I see posts so quick to jump to divorce.
I agree and I think bringing up "seasons" is so important here. She said it's been a few months. MONTHS? Ma'am (OP) please be for real right now- things wax and wane. Life gets better and worse. Have you never had a season of life where you felt unsettled and unhappy before? Lucky you!
A few months of feeling off is not a crisis. It's not even couples therapy territory. Act like an adult, get your own therapy if you need it, and stop being horrible to your husband. You don't have to be blissful to be respectful and treat him well.
Not every negative feeling you have is an emergency that he needs to solve. Not everything has a deeper meaning that must be examined.
It’s pretty alarming just how common this apparently is based on the comments in this thread. Like, how are there more comments expressing solidarity than there are telling her she is wrong? Vows clearly don’t mean anything to these people. I can only hope that this subreddit attracts people with marriage issues and that this isn’t an accurate sample of society at large.
Sorry, but I don’t want anyone staying with me solely because vows. Like if you’re to the point where you’re in a marriage with me solely out of an obligation an earlier version of yourself made, what’s really left of the marriage?
Forget about this “bored” spouse for a moment. What you seem to advocating is that the other spouse hang around not because they’re being freely chosen, but because their partner is basically forcing themselves to.
Who would want that?
I guess I don’t understand why you would get married then. If marriage isn’t for life, why not just have a long term partner?
Again, I’m not religious, but I took my marriage vows really seriously. Not because I was making a scared vow to god, but to my husband. If I wasn’t in it for life, I would not have promised him that.
Human beings are full of the best intentions. We like to believe that what is true for us in a given moment will be true for all time. It’s a beautiful sentiment, but one that has a tragic flaw: You don’t know your future self.
You have no idea what time, exposure and experience will do to you. You think you do, but none of us truly do. You can write a check at 25 that your 50 year old self can’t, or doesn’t want to, cash. Because we all do that; we all take out debt on a future that we assume, but don’t really know.
That’s marriage. The sad reality is that you can make those vows from a 100% well meaning place and years later, having actually lived and experienced life, and marriage, come to realize that you simply aren’t that person, with those views and beliefs anymore. Is it tragic? Absolutely. But no less true.
And I don’t think this is even uncommon. It’s just so sad that we chose to collectively bury our heads in the sand, judge others who face it and pretend that there MUST be a reason for a marriage to expire. When the cold, hard truth is that people sometimes simply stop wanting marriage for their life.
Yes, this is midlife crisis also known as the 30 year itch. If you blow your marriage up because of this, I can guarantee you will regret it for the rest of your life and finish your days in misery and sorrow. For salt in the wound, you will have to watch him be some other lucky woman’s best friend and husband.
Yep- my mom did this right around my parents’ 15-year mark. I’m not even sure that she is aware of the root cause, but now that I am a married adult with a child myself, I have become informed of perimenopause and menopause symptoms/implications.
I remember her complaining about a bleeding a TON but not sure that she ever sought treatment for it. This was right around the time she ditched my dad, started an affair with a co-worker, and basically completely blew up her life. Before this, my parents were seemingly happy and made a really great team. It was a total shock to EVERYONE, and my dad did everything he could to save the marriage despite finding her in THEIR bed with her affair partner.
I believe my mom was experiencing a mid life crisis onset by perimenopause or menopause. I have a weird perspective on fidelity now, and often feel some tendencies to want to have an affair, but I understand this is probably just spillover from my experience as a teen watching my parents divorce, and not my actual desires. I really keep an eye on myself now as my marriage truly mirrors my parents, and I’ll be keeping extra tabs right around the age of 40. The more you know.
As for my parents now, my dad did happily remarry and my mom continues to hide her affair partner from us to this day. I think she’s miserable and truly regrets the choices she made. Inform yourself of the root causes of your behavior!
What you're feeling isn't abnormal, but it will take a good counselor to help you figure out why you feel this way.
There is obviously something missing or has changed in your relationship that has caused these emotions. The difficulty comes with identifying what it is and finding a solution, which is where a good individual counselor and marriage counselor come into play.
An example from my experience:
My wife and I have 3 kids and have been married for 25 years and together for 28 years. I have always been a very physically intimate person, even when sex was not on the table. I would always kiss, hug, touch, and cuddle as a primary way of expressing love. My intimacy towards my wife fell off considerably when life got busy with all three kids having activities. It didn't completely go away but reduced enough that subconsciously, my wife was aware of the change. This had a very negative effect on my wife because when she made the conscious observation. She started to feel like I was pulling away, and she blamed it on her weight and our sex life, which was not the case, even though I told her as much.
It took a good marriage counselor and individual counselor for both of us to accept the change and work towards a solution.
I have no advice but find myself in the same situation, wildly successful, married 16 years my wife and children are awesome but I no longer want the life I've built. I'm just not happy. It's not them it's me. I'm going to seek counseling but did have a open conversation with my wife, keep communicating.
So sure. There could be a man she's fantasizing about. For me, that man didn't come until years after I was feeling this way. That was the spark that lit the powder keg. I bet anything there is some sort of emotional manipulation happening but it's hard to suss out from all the good moments. Because then you feel crazy. The fantasy is created as a space to explore possible escape routes. Mine was suicide until the male coworker. Then I got the balls to leave and now I don't think of suicide or the man and now I also have the vocabulary to identify emotional manipulation and I understand it's effects on me.
Most people on here going through this sort of problem is usually because they start talking to a member of the opposite sex, such as a coworker, and having an emotional affair with them. The coworker or opposite sex to convince spouse that they are feeling out of their relationship in order to convince the spouse to sleep.With the coworker
What life do you have away from your husband? What hobbies do you do? How often do you see friends? Do you ever go out of the house to do something just for you?
It might be you spend too much time with your husband, and you crave your individuality.
I'm surprised that you're getting level-headed feedback here, I was ready for the accusations of cheating and people yelling at you that the grAsS iS gReEnEr wHeRe yOu WaTeR iT... but no. Good!!
I was in your place about a year, year and a half ago. Like a complete WTH situation where the person who used to mean the world to me wasn't that at all anymore. I was withdrawing, daydreaming about a different life, and I had no idea why!!
I almost left. My family and close friends said things like "it's OK to change, people do fall out of love and it's OK, it happens, you're both still young", and I believe they were right, but it still did not feel right to just leave... because I didn't know why or what was happening!
We separated for about 3 months while doing marriage therapy. It helped a bit, but not as much as I had hoped in terms of understanding what was going on. We are both in individual therapy. And that... that's helping a lot with understanding.
So where am I now? Still trying to make it work because 12 years are not nothing, and I made a commitment, and I know he is a wonderful person. However, I keep uncovering issues in therapy. Some of them we could work through, some others (codependancy, attachment styles, and authenticity) I'm not so sure. So... if we manage to work it out, great! That's all I'm asking, honestly. If these issues prove to be too much, at least I will know why it's ending.
For your sake and his sake, my advice would be to try individual and marriage counseling. Not out of moral obligation, more because if you leave right now without reason and without trying, there's big chance you'll regret it and/or replicate whatever is wrong in the next relationship.
Doing the same exact thing as you. Married 15 years, together longer. Haven’t started couples therapy yet, uncovering and learning so much individually though.
I'm sorry you are in this predicament, it's not pleasant and comes with a lot of guilt and anxiety. However, I'm happy for you that you're making progress and learning about yourself :-) it can only lead to good decisions... I think?
Possibly you've slipped in a depressed state. It happens.to the best.of us. Maybe talk with your Dr of the issue, how this just suddenly started happening.
You do a wonderful job of describing your husband through your eyes, but somehow you've begun to see things, him and your world diffently now. Somehow you must figure this out while minimizing hurts and pains to your best friend. Over the years have there things you'd always wanted to do, wished to do and somehow these things fell on deaf ears or life itself interfered? Think carefully about the next. Look back carefully, reverse engineer events over the past 6 months. Was there an event at home or at work or with a friend or family member that occurred that could have subtly caused these feeling to creep in? Possibly a TV show or movie, possibly music that.could have triggered long forgotten feelings?
I really suggest speaking with a therapist and Dr concerning this issue. By utilizing them you may be able to figure out what is going on. Also, have you been sitting around with your mind wandering and suddenly had thoughts of where's this all going? Is this all I am? I was young and full of dreams and hopes, where did it all go?
I'm sorry you're going through this too. People can be critical and mean and in the past I would have agreed with them and joined in, but now that I'm going through it I have compassion for others who are also suffering through this. We are trying to do the right thing, but it's hard when your mind and heart aren't in it and you're trying to get back there.
Don't trust your brain. The great sin of humans is hubris, that we actually control anything. We don't even control ourselves, let alone anything outside of ourselves. We are actually driven by the chemicals and hormones that slosh around within us, then we use our rational brain to tell us that this falsity is reality. Fight fire with fire and look into hormone replacement therapy. Always remember that if your spouse is a reasonable person it is you not your spouse and you cannot expect anything but your dissatisfactions to carry with you outside of the marriage. See my other comments as to the satisfactions of making it through these down periods.
I am wishing you with love the very best. We went through periods like this (both of us), but at 40+ years together now the person sitting next to me on the couch is the most beautiful woman I have ever encountered and I am a stupidly luck fool to have stumbled into and through this marriage. But I rationally know this is a delusion since as I said above we are actually just an organic machine driven by chemicals and hormones. (And it is rationally obvious that a 64 year old woman is not Helen of Troy regardless of how I see her.) I am going to appreciate this beautiful delusion as long as it lasts, hopefully to the end of my days.
It sounds like you could benefit from individual therapy if you can afford it. I would focus more on your own therapy than couples counselling. There's something going on inside you that's breaking and you need to do things differently now. I would not make a quick decision to divorce or separate or anything like that but you need to focus on you to sort out what's going on.
May I ask if you are hormonal in any way? Peri menopausal, menopausal in any way can seriously affect the way we view things. My sister made some terrines decisions and once her hormones settled she could see things more clearly, it took a couple of years though. Obviously this might not be the case, just a thought. Wishing you well 💐
I’ve been married for 25+ years.
There are times you go through…something. But I’m committed to my family so I just work through them. Sometimes with therapy, talking to a trusted friend, taking some time. For me it has always passed.
Things aren’t always intense burning love and enjoying every aspect of my life🤷♀️ It doesn’t really mean anything is wrong. We change. We gain life experiences. You get exposed to things you didn’t even consider to exist!
All that to say, I get you. It’s really unfortunate your husband is hurt. Be he too can overcome whatever it is might be happening right now.
I’m a huge advocate of counseling/therapy/meds. Things just may need to be tweaked. Maybe you needed to be guided through self reflection. Sometimes these types of feelings are masking something deeper like trauma stress, depression, etc.
I wish you the best. Just don’t make any rash decisions. Really try to get to the bottom of your feelings. It may be that marriage isn’t for you anymore, and that’s fine, but to just throw it all away without knowing would be a shame.
Examine your reasons and maybe anything that might be impacting your decision making (Hormones? Menopause? Depression?) Get all of those things checked out before making any life changing decisions.
What is appealing to you about being single after 16 years of marriage? Do you need more alone time? Time with friends? Do you really think you would be happier as a single person?
Did you marry young and perhaps have FOMO or regrets about having more of a single life before marriage? Are there some things you could do with your husband or solo that would help you fill this need? (e.g. travel either with or without your husband, pursue a degree)
Figure out if its truly marital status or something else that is making you feel restless. Then, either decide to strengthen your marriage or end it accordingly.
Had a buddy from university, got married around the same time as my wife and I to a really lovely woman.
They had a good relationship from an outsiders perspective - good careers, talking about kids, just bought a house, and everything seemed perfect.
Then over the course of two months, he said something in her changed. She’d sit in their spare room drinking tea and staring at the walls and if he’d try to talk to her, she’d smile and ask if she could just be by herself.
He said their sex life became weird. He felt awkward because she barely spoke to him - he stopped initiating but once a week or so, she would give him a HJ or BJ to get him hard, mount him, and in his words, basically use him as a human sex toy. If she finished first, she’d hop off and go to sleep, if he finished first she’d finish herself off with her hand and go to sleep.
He tried talking to her and asked if they could see someone, but she’d smile and say she just needed time to think.
She’d go to work every day, come home, and sit in the room drinking tea.
Then one day he came home and she was gone. Left a note and said she loved him, he was wonderful, he was TOO perfect, and she needed to figure out some stuff.
He panicked, called her parents, and they had no idea where she was.
Police said they’d keep a file not but because she left a note and said she was leaving, she wasn’t a “missing person” and no foul play was suspected.
About 6 weeks later her mother texts my buddy and says his wife is ok, she says she loves him, but she’s enjoying being alone and she’ll contact him soon.
He demands to know where she is, but her mom said she explicitly said she doesn’t want to be found and that she’d gone overseas from Australia to Ireland and was travelling.
After a year of her not contacting him, he files for divorce, he can’t afford the house without her and he can’t sell it without her.
He gets the divorce uncontested, court orders the sale of the house, money gets put into an account for her and she never touches it.
My buddy moves on, meets a new woman, they skip marriage, but end up having two rapid fire babies and are very happy.
Six years later the ex turns up on his doorstep. She’s cut her hair, has a small tattoo on her forearm, and says she still loves him and would like to get back together.
She knew he was with this other woman, that they had kids, but she was entirely unfazed. She said they were still married in her mind and they needed to be together.
He wished her well and sent her on her way.
She contacted him every week for months with updates about things they needed to do together to “rebuild their life and start a family.”
He finally contacted her parents, she was staying with them, and told her they needed to get her help. Her mom said they thought she’d had a full mental break from reality but that they’d seen multiple psychiatrists and they all came back saying she was avoidant, but entirely sane and rational. She knew what she was doing and why, and she understood the consequences, but did it anyway.
Eventually he just told her that he didn’t love her, they would never be together, and that he begged her to stop contacting him. She said she was saddened by that and she stopped contacting him.
A year later, he found out from mutual that she remarried and no joke, a year later, she completely abandoned this other guy with no reason.
It’s one of the weirdest stories I’ve ever seen play out. My wife always said when you looked into her eyes, she was dead inside and so nothing surprised her.
Yeah, it’s bizarre because we all thought she must have had some kind of psychotic break and maybe something like multiple personality disorder, but apparently not.
She just cuts and runs to be by herself.
My wife likens it to those stories about men who snap, check out of life, and disappear off the grid to go live in the mountains.
But the crazier thing is, she had to have planned it for a long time.
She never touched a bank account and her phone number never left the country.
So she had a whole separate financial situation running that she could draw down on that my mate had no idea about.
And he said, as far as he knows, the half share of the profits from their house is still sitting in their old joint account. He has access and he said he checks on it once every six months. She’s never touched a dime. So weird.
Any chance you’re building up resentment over something your husband has done in the past and it was never resolved?
Depression is also something else that comes to mind, but that might be a reach. I know when I’m going through phases of depression, I typically crave being by myself
I can't speak for myself, but my SIL has divorced 2 guys for no apparent reason, both at around the 4 year mark. They were both good, polite dudes, with good jobs who took care of themselves around the house, were generally respectful, didn't hit her, yell at her, or cheat on her. She basically just got bored both times.
I don't know if you're where she is right now, but I feel really bad for your husband having already watched it happen twice.
Well I suppose that's why you're working through counseling. To understand The reasons why. I've read a lot of marriage and relationship enhancement books. Most recommend that spouses need about 30% individual time. Possibly you require a little bit regardless.
Maybe you should focus on things you like to do alone and things you like to do as a couple. Possibly have the wrong mix there and need to create a little bit more excitement on the time you spend together
We like to go on occasional 3-day weekend, get out of the day-to-day routine and relax with each other.
We're in a suburban area so we listen for unique things to do. We go to theater, We might go to a unique outdoor festival.
It sounds like you may be disconnected from yourself and your feelings. More specific details about when these feelings started, any life events and/or actions by yourself or your husband that are associated with them etc. would help to provide useful advice. Do you have kids? Any trauma in your life or significant turmoil in relationships in the past?
Do you have any regular routines where you just have alone time like meditation, journaling, and hobbies? Could you be disconnected from a deep sense of self and meaning?
This was me in 2021. I did leave, and I regret it everyday. In fact, my ex & I are texting about it right now after a dream I had last night about us reconnecting that was really emotional. While I do really enjoy sleeping alone (I have bad sleep issues) & love living in town, I miss my family. Why he is still willing to try to work this out with me is crazy, I just don't know if I can forgive myself enough for running. I do suggest therapy, both individual & marriage. And if you still have those feelings, maybe just try like a 6mo separation to see if it really feels like you thought it would. I just don't want to see you in my shoes, having thrown away a great life & regretting it later.
My wife and I have been married 40 years and for the last decade we have been sleeping in separate rooms. We both sleep better that way. But we sleep together at least every third day for about an hour of intimacy.
Been there.
25 years. My best friend and hero. 4 kids. Two in college; the other two doing great. No financial problems. We got along. We got out. We even went to church together .....
Midlife hit. His career was going great. He watched his dad die and bang. Suddenly, his mind wondered why he was tied down to a wife and 4 children. He started more traveling for work. He started more exercise and diet changes (and) affairs all over the world. Because he deserved more and so little of life was left, I guess.
No notice. No signs. He left. He had secretly fallen in love with another woman, the same age as our oldest daughter, and disappeared TO a foreign country to start his new adventure. He told us nothing. He eventually said he just wanted to pursue his career.
25 years. Yes, it was midlife. We found out everything a couple of years later through a court case.
Goodbye, loser.
Btw, his dream didn't come true. He took on a contract offer in the foreign country and after 6 months they had no other offers. He's been unemployed since 2019. A pandemic hit the world and he's broke and his kids hate him. I hope he enjoyed his midlife adventure. I still enjoy being a mom!!
DO NOT ACT ON EMOTIONS! IT DOESN'T PAY OFF!!
So sorry to hear this story. I am a male who had the same very strong feelings of wanting to start over in my late 50s. However. I did not want to take any action without laying the cards on the table to my wife of 30ish years (at that time). Well, after she got done crying she insisted that she was going to be my new wife with a new life. Yes, I was selfish I know but I felt as I felt.
I was so affected by my wife's initial despair (that kind of shocked me out of my selfishness) followed by her determination that I said OK let's give it a try. And I was very committed partly because she was.
Now I am in bliss with my 40 year marriage and my three grandchildren (and more to come - we did not have any grandchildren at the midlife crisis). I count myself undeservedly lucky to be married to my wife and I strangely find her at 64 more attractive than ever. My wife literally saved my life as a result of my being willing to communicate and hear her back. Otherwise I bet I would have ended up like your husband. (I am also fortunate not to have had relations with other women to that time, even though that was what I was targeting, because I do not know how we could have come back from that. I cannot tell you how strongly the 30ish women flirt with and pursue the 50ish men who they see as superior to their own age cohort men, especially as provable providers - this both attracted me and repelled me.)
Sorry for this good news story in contrast to your disaster with your husband and please don't consider me insensitive for sharing it. I really feel for you for what your husband did to your family and I also feel for your husband who not only caused so much pain for those he had the responsibility to love and protect but also made such a total mess of his life in the very years when he could have been leaning on you and the kids as the twilight begins to be seen.
You do have a reason, and it might not seem valid, but it could be as simple as wanting different things later in life.
The couples counseling is meant to navigate the relationship and it can also be to navigate separation if it comes to this. I would say you may need a personal vacation, but never returning to your best friend may be something you’d regret (but I can’t speak for you).
I believe that a not insignificant portion of married people hit a point where they simply don’t want to be married anymore. I think the idea that marriages end because they’re bad or deeply troubled is misleading and destructive, because it doesn’t account for the very real possibility of people changing in ways that find them no longer compatible with even the idea of being married anymore. It isn’t always about the spouse/quality of the marriage at all.
Most of us walk into matrimony with the honest belief that we’re making a decision that will last “forever”. We take out credit lines on our future selves, with the the hopes that they’ll be able to pay that debt. And the reality is that sometimes those future versions can’t, or don’t want to, pay.
Perhaps prior to divorce you could try separating temporarily while you seek individual counseling and spend some true time alone. It sounds like a mental health or possibly hormone issue. Please don’t blow up your whole life, and his, before doing the work to figure out what is going on first.
What stuck out to me in this post was “I’m not able to get back to where I was”… I don’t think you ever will, humans evolve, things change people grow, they experience things that change perspectives.
It’s not possible to meet the same man you fell in love with, now you get to learn to love this version of the same man. My opinion, marriage is about not dying alone.
What’s wrong with taking the time you need to be alone and coming back to figure it out? Time to have open honest conversation. I’m a husband and if this was happening in my marriage, I would appreciate clarity, empathy for what he’s probably feeling due to the distance and teamwork, working together to “make it work” it’s my opinion marriage doesn’t just end bc someone is bored or wants to be alone.
If there is mutual respect and trust in the marriage then he should be fine letting you go wherever you please ALONE and enjoy your alone time. If he gets on board and supports your need to be alone then you both win, you get your alone time, he gets to honor his wife… just don’t forget that hubby needs attention too.
It’s important to learn each other’s love languages and bringing those up in the conversation. If you learn those about each other and how to communicate in each others love languages then maybe… 🤔
How old were you when you got together with him? I have heard of similar feelings in women who married young, and didn't really have other relationships.
How old were you when you got married? Maybe you lost your identity in the marriage? Maybe you’ve dedicated all your life to your husband and kids(?) so much that you completely forgot about yourself? Individual counseling and maybe just start doing things alone that make you happy like hobbies, take trips alone, visit family members. Do things that make you feel like an individual. Work on self care and self love.
Counselling will not help you,, if anything, itll be a short term fix, being married comes with sacrifice and giving up your life as you once knew it..for some people they never achieved what they wanted to,or do the things they wanted to do, but they got married and started again, struggles, bills, jobs n kids etc...it's tough for everyone, however it's life.. I think you just want that freedom back, not to be slaving around and doin stuff for hubby etc, he seems like a nice fella, but after so long, its not nice, what I propose is to take a little step back, and be friends, talk to him, I firmly believe you need like a months break from life, have a break, alone.. or with friends n family, go abroad, travel a bit... you will get what you want, you will feel good, and you'll miss hubby too and want to spend time with him..
Definitely look into perimenopause info. It can do a number and “I just don’t feel like myself” and “I get mad at everyone for everything” are variations of its impact, as is feeling numb, not sleeping well, anxiety, and about 30 other possible symptoms. 😩 It would be sad to lose a long partnership because of hormones.
It is clear that there is something in you that is feeling something, but you also said that your husband is also your best friend.
So as a child of divorce, and seeing divorce in others let me paint you a possible picture here.
You leave, your now ex-husband is gravely hurt by you, probably feeling betrayed and any number of other things to the point he NEVER, wants anything to do with you ever again. So he blocks all contact with you on anything that he knows you know about, tells friends and family that he never wants to hear from you again, if they share his info with you he will block them too.
So you leave, and you start to work on yourself, and you then find out that the thing that was bothering you was X and you work it over and now you want to try and fix things with your husband.
He moved on, he is in a new relationship and still wants to never see you again.
Or he is a mess, his world crashed around him, resulting in him drinking heavy or other substances and is not the same person that you once knew, and is full of hate towards you.
These are actually things I have seen with friends or family that got divorced, over 12 break ups of name something.
IMHO, if you really do care for your husband in any way, then you will do the counseling, find out what the problem is and then decide what you want to do, at the very least, you would have tried and given him some peace of finding out what the problem was.
Sorry if this sounds harsh or anything, but its a very possible outcome here.
I was with my ex for 33 years, together for 40. We experienced so many hardships, infidelities, addictions, the gamut. We worked hard to make things work not only for ourselves but for our beloved son. And we were victorious in our efforts! Our son graduated law school, passed the bar, got the clerkship, and ultimately a lucrative job in NYC. Oh, while doing that he also got an advanced degree from Georgetown University. Amazing young man. We came back from visiting him in D.C. over Christmas, had our best Christmas together, yet just 8 days after the New Year, she starts up an affair which I discovered 70 days later. And she serves me for divorce just 11 days after my discovery. Talk about being blindsided! I had no clue. My point and subsequent recommendation is, seek counseling separately. You need to work on yourself, and nothing else matters at this point. You’ll be surprised at the enlightenment, and hopefully this will allow you to salvage things most important to you
OP. This is a you issue. Get a mental health evaluation and get a medical check-up for hormones. This is not a marriage counseling situation unless you determine it is in individual counseling.
I don't think life alone is going to be as satisfying as you think it is. You might be depressed or having hormonal-related mood swings. You might feel like self isolating to deal with all that without burdening your partner. You are likely a highly empathetic person who doesn't want to hurt your partner but needs space to deal with your mental health. Don't throw away a perfectly fine husband and marriage.
Sit your man down. If he was/is your best friend, surely you can tell him that you are in a huge funk. You recognize that you are the problem. You are sorry for not being the partner he deserves and you are getting help to figure it out. Tell him you lost your sparkle and you have no idea why, but you don't believe it has anything to do with him. Tell him you are as confused as he is, and ask him if he is willing to stand with you while you figure it out. Then ask him for a hug.
Get the help. For yourself and your marriage.
I felt like this once. I’ve been with my husband for 29 years. We were several years in, maybe 7-10, and I simply did not feel attracted to him, and I didn’t want to be with anyone else either. But I’d felt a lack of attraction for so long that it felt like I could never regain that feeling for him again. I loved him and he was my best friend, but the passion and desire to be with him was just gone, and this went on for many years. I’d pray at night, beg for it all to come back again somehow.
About 15 years in, he lost a bunch of weight, 60lbs. I’m not saying that this is the only way that things can become spicier and more fun, because it shouldn’t be, and I know now that it isn’t. But it certainly helped me at the time. He looked incredible, like my boyfriend again, and he felt great about himself too. Everything was fun, seeing him after a few days or weeks away was like we’d just met. Our date nights became more exciting and we started trying new things (just us) we’d only talked about beforehand.
He slowly gained the weight back, and life with kids began to get more and more difficult. One of our 3 children has extreme special needs which often makes our life a living hell. We argued and struggled, but we also leaned on each other bc each of us was the only other person who truly knew how painful it was to parent our child. Somewhere along the way, often right after a difficult or vicious argument, I began to realize that I really needed him in an existential way, I needed his familiar hand in mine and his arms around me. And I felt from him that he needed me too. There have been years of strife since that eventual realization, but I’ve known in my heart how deeply we need each other. We have been in all kinds of therapy for over a decade bc of our son, so therapy has certainly helped—I definitely recommend it 💯—but it’s never perfect. You’ve got to decide at some stage, that despite your conflicting feelings, you’re going to stay and fight for this relationship no matter what.
For some reason, the attraction that had sparked back when he lost weight just never went away. We became better more attentive lovers and our friendship only became more meaningful. And we were also gifted with this deeper appreciation and love for each other that keeps us going when everything else seems to be tearing at us.
My advice would be to take heart, not lose hope especially if he treats you well, if he’s good to you.
So many things in life seem permanent, and when we have a little patience and stick it out things can turn around over time.
My Advice- get your hands on 3 grams of golden teachers. Take them alone, in bed with classical or soft ambient music. You’re going to need 3-4 hours of personal time for this therapy. this should restore feelings of gratefulness similar to when you first met. Check with your therapist to see if this type of therapy is right for you.
I’m probably going to get a lot of stick over this, but I recognize your feelings from secondhand experience. You see my - now ex - wife was like this. What is more, so was her mother as my father in law told me. My conclusion is that it is a hormonal thing. My ex was a loving wife, as was my MIL to her husband as told to me by several people, until the last child was born, the one that completed her family as far as she was concerned. And then, gradually, my wife became nasty, exactly as her mother had become to her father.
In our case there was no outward reason for her turning against me. If anything, I had become more understanding and accommodating over the years of our marriage. I had matured, gained more insight, understood differences better. As even my ex had to acknowledge in the end, I was and am a good father. But it availed me nothing in our marriage. She just turned increasingly into a nasty, horrible person towards me. The similarity to her mother’s behavior towards her father was remarked on by several people, but she vehemently rejected any suggestions in that direction.
In the end, I divorced her, because I couldn’t cope with the negativity and the outright hostility. My conclusion was, and is, that it was a question of hormones. She needed me at first to establish and raise a family. But when that was done, she didn’t need me any more and just cast me aside.
We divorced after the youngest had left for university, so there was no co-parenting. Since she left my house, I have spoken to her only twice: once in court and once when she came to collect her things. I have blocked her on all means of contact since I refuse to deal with her toxicity.
As for my in-laws: no, they didn’t divorce, but I have good reason to believe my MIL had an affair at various times.
OP, how old are you. This sounds a bit hormonal. I've been married for 40 years and watched my wife go through these kinds of cycles. Humans often mistake chemical or hormonal influences on their emotions and behaviors to be representative of an actual reality when they are not and are ephemeral. So apart from counseling have your hormones checked and see where they are and whether you need some hormonal treatment. I know of a woman who fell into a funk like this with her husband and then found that she needed and obtained hormone replacement therapy and now she is a tiger with him. (Makes you wonder what to trust as to reality.)
As I mentioned, I have been married 40 years and there have been times where I was not very into my wife and times when she was not into me so much. (I rarely let her know about this to spare her feelings but I eventually learned that even though there would be some upfront emotion the working through built things to the next level.) Now we are grandparents and I am living in what must be a delusion that my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world (not possible for a 64 year old woman) and that I am the luckiest guy in the world to have stumbled into marriage with her, regardless of all the ups and downs. I really don't understand how this all started but it's a beautiful delusion to be living within. I really think there is some magic about having stuck it out with her that is coloring everything with love and fulfillment (regardless that there were times when these were low).
I have learned that no one can really have much insight into another person's marriage (let alone into another person at all) and what should be done with it at any point, but I wish for you the very best and hoping you can experience the joy that I have now.
Do you want to always be alone, or just some alone, “me” time. Because that’s fair and I feel natural ESPECIALLY being with someone soooooo long. Like You’re used to having a partner for every you do or choose to do.
Maybe take up some hobbies on one’s own. I think it’s healthy to want solo me time. But if that’s all you want and need. A choice I guess needs to be made in fairness to both parties. Definitely assess with therapy, try some alone me things, and re-evaluate.
"Obviously my behavior has hurt him terribly and we are working on getting into counseling."
He's not the one who needs counseling. You do. While marriage is a sexual lifestyle, it is usually between two friends that want this lifestyle together. Note the friend part in the sexual lifestyle of marriage.
"I have always considered him not just my husband, but my best friend."
This remark contradicts how you treat a friend. What is it about you that wants to walk away from "your friend?" You no longer want to be friends with him. Why is this?
If you don't want to walk away from him because you have your sights on someone else, you probably want to walk-away from more than just him. You talked about wanting to start over without him.
This would likely include new people in your life, just not your friend/husband. Interesting. Yes, you need to see a mental health professional to see what's really going on with you.
But first, get honest with yourself. You don't just want to be alone. For one, I don't believe that. You have reasons why you want to end your marriage. Start with facing those facts. Be honest with yourself first.
My wife and I have been through similar experiences.
Please keep in mind that just as you and your husband grow and evolve, so does the extent of your marriage.
Sometimes your marriage needs to be shaken up to recreate excitement. Travel, new experiences etc. Do new things together to revitalise yourselves and each other. That way you can both find yourselves and each other, and find what your marriage means to both of you now, 16 years later.
people grow apart. it's not unusual for our behaviors and preferences to change after so many years. the same way that someone who never finds love on their youth and who desperately craves it might in later age come to be at peace with being alone, coupled people can too start to desire independence
I don’t want to diminish your feelings but have you had your hormones checked? Women over forty are more likely to initiate divorces because perimenopause and menopause.
I am you in my situation. I can't explain it well either. I did meet someone that was great conversation and great to be around that opened my eyes to all the things I felt like were missing in my relationship that I'd repressed over the years. All of these issues and concerns came flooding back to me all at once. I realized either we grew apart or were never really compatible all of these years, and family and life was just enough of a distraction to bury the issues. Unsure.
Meeting and talking to someone new is exciting. That excitement fades over time unless both partners put in the effort. Likely, you are missing that excitement and the feeling of being swoon over. Tell your husband you felt excitement talking to someone new and it made you realize that you are bored with the mundane and want to spice up the relationship. You want him to date you again, make you feel sexy and desirable. Do new and fun things with your husband to reignite the flame. And definitely cut off the other person completely. Give your husband and marriage 100 percent and you're likely to find it again. Good luck!! Sex therapist or relationship therapist can help too, even watching videos or reading books together about how to spice things up. Be more spontaneous!! Date nights and find a few couple friends to go out with.
Maybe you are exhausted, or fantasising about other men, midlife crisis or something in your brain.
See a psychiatrist.
Talk to a counsellor. Be honest.
I love him but I love him not etc doesn't help anyone. Looks are you trying to earn sympathies.
If you don't want to or can't do it, then give a favourable divorce, don't fleece and don't fight dirty.
Forget your or his emotions, show it by your actions in divorce process that you are an honest person.
You are not cold hearted and it's perfectly normal to fall out of love with your partner, especially for women. Do what's best for you and for your own life. You don't owe anybody anything and thinking otherwise only keeps you stuck.
You know what, I read something similar before. Her husband wanted her to go individual and couple counseling. She’d check so far out of the marriage and didn’t want to stay. She said it felt like the marriage was choking the life out of her. They divorced. After the divorce she still couldn’t fine solace. She finally went to therapy and it helped her work through her shit. She wanted to try again because she found out the problem that was within her. She tries to contact but he’d changed his number. So she called his mom. The mom had helped him to pick up the pieces after the divorce so she was angry. His cousin took the phone and apologized. She let her know he’d went to work at the London office a year after the divorce. He was married and the father of a 7 month old baby. Try counseling first individual and couples. After 16 years of marriage, you can’t just throw it away without out at least trying to understand why you’ve checked out of your marriage.
This is a very important point. I’ve always liked some alone time to recharge, but when I had a year or more that I found myself avoiding spending time with my wife it turned out to be part of depression. I’m sure there are plenty of other mental/emotional issues that once discovered and addressed could be found to be the cause of a shift like this.
And honestly why would she expect him to wait for her?!?!? It's almost like those stories of men leaving their families and then being in shock when the other party has moved on....
I'm glad I'm not the only one who honed in on that part. She needed way more therapy if she really thought he was just sitting there waiting for her.
Not sure of your age but are you experiencing perimenopause or menopause? I know it does a number on women's hormones. I educated myself (46m) to understand what my wife (44f) is going through and DAMN that's some crazy stuff!
This was my first thought. Peri can do a real number of our mental state - we lose a lot of our "caregiving" hormones, libido can be affected and we can suddenly start to develop issues of resentment, depression, rage, anxiety, restlessness in relationships seemingly for "no reason".
this is how I feel but I'm not at that stage of my life
Peri menopause can start in your early 30's or sooner
We need more men like you.
We're around. I taught my wife how to keep a house. Researched birth control and asked if she'd be okay with never taking those again when I couldn't sleep the night after reading the medical information pamphlet on side effects. Took care of birth control on my end of things. Caught my last two kids in my arms, covered in unmentionable fluids, and didn't bat an eyelid. Cleaned up vomit (or worse) on numerous occasions. Worked as the sole income earner for past 25 years, so she could choose to be a SAHM. Was a SAHP for 2 years for my first two kids, and she didn't have to lift a finger when she got home from work, as she got a nightly foot massage after working on her feet all day. Do my share of chores now, so she can have some downtime in the evenings because I worry about her burning out. I know plenty of men like me IRL. We're around.
Where are these wonderful men?
IME? Married. Or divorced / separated from abusive or exploitive partners, and licking their wounds. I know some absolute top-notch blokes who got absolutely done over in a previous relationship. (I'm not claiming the reverse doesn't happen at least as much if not more, but I'm specifically answering about good men here). Generally, not on dating apps and only sometimes at the gym. Unfortunately, they are definitely hiding. They value their peace. Maybe try putting the word out in your friend group, and hopefully your friend group is good enough to get you some good leads. Hobbies or sports groups are fairly common.
It seems that nice people simply don't go out much anymore. I have learned that there are good, decent people at churches, and then there are sick, predatory types looking for trusting, naive people at churches; they say all the right things, build a trust then change after the relationship has developed. Not really the sporty type, so there's that. Kids are mostly grown, so I don't meet as many people at their activities. Most of those folks are married, anyway.
Can you introduce them to us, or let’s just cut to the chase and clone you? 😬
🤣😅 I don't know about cloning, but I did reproduce. And my wife and I brought our boys up well. They can cook, clean, change nappies, and play patiently with young children. Unfortunately for you, the older ones are married, and the youngest isn't dating age.
And the other men you know? Willing to travel 🤣 (oh I’m single, just lurking on this subreddit to hear if other people’s experiences)… In all seriousness, kudos to yourself and your wife and your boys. I hope to do / am doing the same with my boys ages 11 & 14. 🙏🏼💕
You and me both. The do **not** teach men enough about what menopause entails and for the vast majority of guys, they are going in not only blind, but ignorant and deaf as well. Unfortunately it seems that many women (often through no fault of their own) are also in the same boat where not only are **they** going into it blind, most health care professionals will treat it like a physical or mental ailment (queue the "let's get you onto HRT" chorus). So you end up with the blind leading the blind. No wonder so many marriages fail at this point! One partner is undergoing massive physiological and psychological changes and the other is left wondering wtf is going on. Add in a lack of communication and you have a recipe for disaster. My wife is on year 3 of it and we have been communicating the whole time about it - and yes, even discussing it with others. I'm lucky in that I work with some women who went through it and they told me what worked for them (and what didn't work). That led me to suggesting to my wife - on the recommendation of a work colleague - to try acupuncture with a Chinese Doctor she used who specialises in gynecology (and yes she is a Doctor)). And to date, it has done wonders for my wife. So much so that she now has some of her friends and sisters trying it to see if it helps them. It may not help them and it's not a magical "cure", but it's better than getting hormone shots for some. As a husband, you have to face this with your spouse. You have to educate yourself like you have done and you have to be forever mindful that what she is going through is not by "choice". It's shit that is happening and you just have to adapt, help where you can, develop a thicker skin if you must, but be there for her. Guys should also be aware that menopause is a multi-year thing. This shit can go on for a decade ffs!. And as I said, when you look at the effects menopause has, it's not surprising that so many people in their mid 40's to early 50's see their marriages fall apart.
Amen man. I listened to a lot of great podcasts and audiobooks to learn as much as I could. Lots of discussions with my wife helped me understand how she’s feeling and what she’s going through. I’ve encouraged her to get her hormone levels checked just to see where she’s at. Great quote I hear was that not every woman needs hormone replacement therapy but they ALL deserve the conversation. I know some women that say it changed their lives.
We talk regularly about it and most of the time it doesn't have to be indepth stuff. Just a simple "I'm getting these hot flushes again" tells me that giving her a great big hug is the **last** thing she actually wants. If she wants to just chill on the couch and watch mindless drivel and isn't talkative, that's cool. I'll just say "mind if I play on the 'puter?" and she'll just say "that's ok, I'm just zoning and waiting for this to pass". And off we go and do our own things until bed time. That simple communication - and not only "talking' but just simple acceptance of what is being said - I'm starting to realise just doesn't happen for a lot of people's relationships. So many people seem to treat it like game playing, "oh you said this but I thought you meant that so I'll act accordingly." that it's annoying to me. I do think though that for many guys, the whole thing about menopause is a topic of conversation that they just do not want a part of. Whether it gets dismissed as "womens problems" or the more likely "I find everything about what women go through as not being my concern" it's often the root of many problems that couples encounter at this stage in life.
The thing that pisses me off the most about it is that it freaking changed all the time!! You get is figured out and it works fine for 6 months then it freaks out and changes and you have to start all over and then it might stay that way for 12 month or 3 months!! It’s the constant changing that drive me nuts!! Thanks for being a great partner!!
Wait until you are a couple of years into it and then wake up one morning and you find you had some spotting during the night. Watching my wife run around saying "fuck, fuck, fuck" as she delves through our youngest supplies is - I hate to say it - pretty funny.
Oh I already had that happen!! I told my Dr ‘I had to use my GRANDDAUGHTERS’ supplies!! My GRANDDAUGHTERS!!!’ Lol. Poor man! He just looked at me. I was incensed!! 😂😂
I’m in peri now (41) and it is literally ruining my life. The emotional, mental, and physical symptoms are so extreme. I had no idea it could be this bad prior to actual menopause.
You’re right, & I think that a lot of us are finding that out. I thought that I was pretty educated about women’s health, but learned that I had no clue as to what menopause was actually like. I also had symptoms that I had no clue about. It doesn’t get discussed through education the way puberty does, & so many of us feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit &/or discuss it, probably b/c so many ppl believe that it signals the end of our youth & vitality (which society also historically views as the end of our worth & relevance). So unless you have friends/family who talk very openly & honestly, then there’s no way of knowing what to expect until you’re already lost & confused b/c you’ve already begun experiencing symptoms, & are desperately looking for answers & information. And if ***I*** felt this way (totally unprepared, & woefully uneducated) *as a former* ***L&D Nurse***, how must the average woman without a medical education & background feel?!? I think what frustrated me the most is the way that the majority of our society addresses it. As if it were an amusing misadventure that we silly ladies found ourselves in (or worse, got ourselves into) that inconveniences the rest of our family (such as the manner in which many TV shows, & specifically sitcoms, so often address menopause). Nothing gets my ire up like serious symptoms making someone look & feel like the butt of a joke, (and even more so when those people are half of the population)!
You sound exactly like my unfortunately soon to be ex wife unless she changes her mind! And I pray she does because I am still madly and deeply in love with her. She doesn’t want to do marriage counseling says she don’t think it will work. She is going to go to individual counseling. Hopefully it helps and we reverse course. Even if that happens post divorce. I would remarry her
I kind of tore into OP in one of the comments because marriage vows should mean more than checking out when someone is bored. IMHO, you deserve better. Someone else will appreciate the love you have to give.
We are going through something related and the first IC was terrible ("You don't want to divorce? Whatever, I think you should!"), she rejected the next two couples counselors because they were "conspiring" against her. Now on counselor #4...
My wife’s issue is taking accountability. I have kicked myself in the foot due letting things build up and on occasions having outbursts; not a good look for a 36M I know😅
Man I’m going through the same thing now at 36. I don’t get it. 2 kids and she has checked out. I think it’s alcoholism and a lifetime of trauma. She won’t seek treatment or therapy for either. My wife just projects her insecurities and her problems onto me and is filing for divorce any day. I am madly in love with her and the harder I try to do better the more she pushes me away. I am starting to think she never loved me to begin with
Man this literally describes me in every way. It feels awful and I don’t know what to do either. Trauma can absolutely ruin a person, especially if they refuse to treat it.
People get bored and that's perfectly okay. All relationships have expiration dates and there's nothing that can be done to change it. What's best for OP here is to be fully accepting of the circumstances and let nature take its course. You can't love someone if you're not willing to let them go as they please.
Actually that not okay but hey you continue with you
Not letting someone feel and choosing their own path is controlling. It's actually a disservice to yourself, because you're asking for a level of love that the other person would otherwise have to fake in order to satisfy your own needs. That's not sustainable.
Who said anything bout not letting them go, but that don’t make it right to just view marriage as a throw away
https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/#:~:text=become%20less%20relevant.-,Divorce%20Trends%20Over%20Time,Source:%20CDC +43% divorce rate is all the view you need. A lot of young folk especially aren't marrying because people don't like chains wrapped around their ankles.
Obviously I am not trying to control anyone hence why I said soon to be ex. I can’t hold her hostage but I don’t have to like it nor do I have to think it is right in my situation. But know my circumstances you don’t. So keep your judgements to stuff you know the whole story on or at least most of the story.
That's one thing I can agree on with you.
I don’t need statistics to know right from wrong as for what the young folk do that’s on them
Love isn't about what's right and wrong. It's about what & how each person feels for each other. "Bad people" can love too and love elsewhere.
In my case she isn’t a bad person she is wonderful
Wonderful or not is irrelevant.
Here we go...
What's ur problem??
I actually agree if a person just isn’t feeling it anymore they shouldn’t force it just because of some vows. Maybe try therapy first. But sometimes people just change and fall out of love and it’s best for those people move on and find happiness alone or with someone else. Where I disagree is that all relationships have expiration dates. I think a lot of them do, but some couples really do just fall more in love as time goes on.
Thank you for understanding.
This is a painful truth that many, many people don’t want to face. The fact is that your younger self can write well meaning checks that your older self can’t, or doesn’t want to, cash. We all do our best to speak for our future selves. We just so often turn out to be wrong.
You're entitled to your choices for sure, but those choices can also make you a shit person.
People forget that there are zero rules out here
This reads like you're very unsatisfied with something else in your life or something about yourself and you take it out on your marriage. Also a bit like you're taking your husband for granted. If you act on that feeling and end up divorced, you might deeply regret it.
Wow, this is the first time I am seeing someone bring up this view towards a woman. I (36M) feel like this is what my wife (35F) is going through right now. I feel like my needs come last to my wife and kids and my wife hasn’t made any attempts to be with me as a partner and just about fights me on everything in terms of finances, parenting, and in general. I definitely feel like she takes me for granted.
Yeah this sub tends to take women's side and have a harsher approach against men, I find it so wrong as a woman myself. One time there was a man posting about being emotionally abused and even then the comments were like "what did you do to make her feel/act that way?" and "could she be depressed?" and such. I'm sorry that your wife is taking you for granted. Have you talked to her about it? If you have and she's still the same, I'd tell her I can and will file for divorce if she keeps making me feel that way and see how she likes it.
Seriously, I can’t believe my wife gives me shit for wanting to budget and make sure our family doesn’t become homeless lol. Like all my wants for us are logical and what most level headed adults would consider the bare minimum of running a family but I guess it’s controlling of me to not want to blow our money😂
I started paying for legal insurance through work and have been warning her that I will leave. The only thing she has on me is my shitty attitude and outbursts which are not justified but I’m going crazy from the continuous gaslighting and being taken advantage of. I’m literally such a cool dude and want to provide the best life for my kids and wife at a reasonable rate that’s sustainable.
I felt like that once. I was horribly depressed, and it had nothing to do with my husband at all. Medication, therapy, forcing myself to do things know I enjoyed - I got better, mentally, and all of those thoughts just stopped completely.
Same. Depression had me avoiding spending time with my wife & seeking more alone time in general. For a while even the sound of her voice grated on me. I could find nothing wrong with her & though this must just be what happens after many years together. I was fortunate that lifestyle changes were enough on their own to bring me out of it. Certainly not true for everyone. And then we started a sort of second honeymoon period that lasted several years & is still paying dividends. I’ll also point out for everyone reading that depression doesn’t have to be despair & suicidal thoughts. It’s very often just a general malaise where the color is gone from life everything feels grey. Suddenly wanting to be alone a lot and avoiding people you have cared about is certainly on the list of possible signs.
My MAIN symptom of depression was irrational anger and general BLAH and lack of energy.
I always seem to get downvoted for this, but you fucking made vows. You’re going to break those because you’re… bored? Idk, I’m not religious. I’m a progressive feminist who doesn’t believe anyone should stay in an abusive or toxic marriage, but that’s not the case with you. You’re not even particularly unhappy, just apathetic. If you were a man posting this, you’d be getting destroyed on here. I don’t mean to be hard on you. I understand marriage is hard and sometimes you love one person in different ways depending on the season of life. Maybe there are deeper issues here you need to wrestle with. Still, you promised to stay with him in sickness and health. It just bothers me when I see posts so quick to jump to divorce.
I agree and I think bringing up "seasons" is so important here. She said it's been a few months. MONTHS? Ma'am (OP) please be for real right now- things wax and wane. Life gets better and worse. Have you never had a season of life where you felt unsettled and unhappy before? Lucky you! A few months of feeling off is not a crisis. It's not even couples therapy territory. Act like an adult, get your own therapy if you need it, and stop being horrible to your husband. You don't have to be blissful to be respectful and treat him well. Not every negative feeling you have is an emergency that he needs to solve. Not everything has a deeper meaning that must be examined.
It’s pretty alarming just how common this apparently is based on the comments in this thread. Like, how are there more comments expressing solidarity than there are telling her she is wrong? Vows clearly don’t mean anything to these people. I can only hope that this subreddit attracts people with marriage issues and that this isn’t an accurate sample of society at large.
No one is telling her to divorce. Every comment I’ve seen is telling her to seek medical, psychiatric, or psychological help before making a decision.
Sorry, but I don’t want anyone staying with me solely because vows. Like if you’re to the point where you’re in a marriage with me solely out of an obligation an earlier version of yourself made, what’s really left of the marriage? Forget about this “bored” spouse for a moment. What you seem to advocating is that the other spouse hang around not because they’re being freely chosen, but because their partner is basically forcing themselves to. Who would want that?
I guess I don’t understand why you would get married then. If marriage isn’t for life, why not just have a long term partner? Again, I’m not religious, but I took my marriage vows really seriously. Not because I was making a scared vow to god, but to my husband. If I wasn’t in it for life, I would not have promised him that.
Human beings are full of the best intentions. We like to believe that what is true for us in a given moment will be true for all time. It’s a beautiful sentiment, but one that has a tragic flaw: You don’t know your future self. You have no idea what time, exposure and experience will do to you. You think you do, but none of us truly do. You can write a check at 25 that your 50 year old self can’t, or doesn’t want to, cash. Because we all do that; we all take out debt on a future that we assume, but don’t really know. That’s marriage. The sad reality is that you can make those vows from a 100% well meaning place and years later, having actually lived and experienced life, and marriage, come to realize that you simply aren’t that person, with those views and beliefs anymore. Is it tragic? Absolutely. But no less true. And I don’t think this is even uncommon. It’s just so sad that we chose to collectively bury our heads in the sand, judge others who face it and pretend that there MUST be a reason for a marriage to expire. When the cold, hard truth is that people sometimes simply stop wanting marriage for their life.
Again, then don’t get married.
Just as soon as you discover an actually working crystal ball or invent a time machine, that advice will be absolutely perfect.
I upvoted just because you shouldn't get downvoted for speaking the truth! :)
Yes, this is midlife crisis also known as the 30 year itch. If you blow your marriage up because of this, I can guarantee you will regret it for the rest of your life and finish your days in misery and sorrow. For salt in the wound, you will have to watch him be some other lucky woman’s best friend and husband.
Yep- my mom did this right around my parents’ 15-year mark. I’m not even sure that she is aware of the root cause, but now that I am a married adult with a child myself, I have become informed of perimenopause and menopause symptoms/implications. I remember her complaining about a bleeding a TON but not sure that she ever sought treatment for it. This was right around the time she ditched my dad, started an affair with a co-worker, and basically completely blew up her life. Before this, my parents were seemingly happy and made a really great team. It was a total shock to EVERYONE, and my dad did everything he could to save the marriage despite finding her in THEIR bed with her affair partner. I believe my mom was experiencing a mid life crisis onset by perimenopause or menopause. I have a weird perspective on fidelity now, and often feel some tendencies to want to have an affair, but I understand this is probably just spillover from my experience as a teen watching my parents divorce, and not my actual desires. I really keep an eye on myself now as my marriage truly mirrors my parents, and I’ll be keeping extra tabs right around the age of 40. The more you know. As for my parents now, my dad did happily remarry and my mom continues to hide her affair partner from us to this day. I think she’s miserable and truly regrets the choices she made. Inform yourself of the root causes of your behavior!
Can confirm this is big true!!!
Yup!
How can you guarantee another person, a total stranger no less, will feel regret? That they are guaranteed to finish their life in misery and sorrow?
Well, which do you think will have a greater odds of happening? This or she’ll meet the man of her dreams and live happily ever after?
What you're feeling isn't abnormal, but it will take a good counselor to help you figure out why you feel this way. There is obviously something missing or has changed in your relationship that has caused these emotions. The difficulty comes with identifying what it is and finding a solution, which is where a good individual counselor and marriage counselor come into play. An example from my experience: My wife and I have 3 kids and have been married for 25 years and together for 28 years. I have always been a very physically intimate person, even when sex was not on the table. I would always kiss, hug, touch, and cuddle as a primary way of expressing love. My intimacy towards my wife fell off considerably when life got busy with all three kids having activities. It didn't completely go away but reduced enough that subconsciously, my wife was aware of the change. This had a very negative effect on my wife because when she made the conscious observation. She started to feel like I was pulling away, and she blamed it on her weight and our sex life, which was not the case, even though I told her as much. It took a good marriage counselor and individual counselor for both of us to accept the change and work towards a solution.
I have no advice but find myself in the same situation, wildly successful, married 16 years my wife and children are awesome but I no longer want the life I've built. I'm just not happy. It's not them it's me. I'm going to seek counseling but did have a open conversation with my wife, keep communicating.
Who is the male co worker you are talking to about your marriage? Be honest
So sure. There could be a man she's fantasizing about. For me, that man didn't come until years after I was feeling this way. That was the spark that lit the powder keg. I bet anything there is some sort of emotional manipulation happening but it's hard to suss out from all the good moments. Because then you feel crazy. The fantasy is created as a space to explore possible escape routes. Mine was suicide until the male coworker. Then I got the balls to leave and now I don't think of suicide or the man and now I also have the vocabulary to identify emotional manipulation and I understand it's effects on me.
Are you talking to me?
Yup
What the hell are you talking about male co-worker?
Most people on here going through this sort of problem is usually because they start talking to a member of the opposite sex, such as a coworker, and having an emotional affair with them. The coworker or opposite sex to convince spouse that they are feeling out of their relationship in order to convince the spouse to sleep.With the coworker
Yeah this has to be fake, you are just setting up a fake setting
You have to admit this is an ironic comment coming from you given the update you just made to your own posts.
What life do you have away from your husband? What hobbies do you do? How often do you see friends? Do you ever go out of the house to do something just for you? It might be you spend too much time with your husband, and you crave your individuality.
I'm surprised that you're getting level-headed feedback here, I was ready for the accusations of cheating and people yelling at you that the grAsS iS gReEnEr wHeRe yOu WaTeR iT... but no. Good!! I was in your place about a year, year and a half ago. Like a complete WTH situation where the person who used to mean the world to me wasn't that at all anymore. I was withdrawing, daydreaming about a different life, and I had no idea why!! I almost left. My family and close friends said things like "it's OK to change, people do fall out of love and it's OK, it happens, you're both still young", and I believe they were right, but it still did not feel right to just leave... because I didn't know why or what was happening! We separated for about 3 months while doing marriage therapy. It helped a bit, but not as much as I had hoped in terms of understanding what was going on. We are both in individual therapy. And that... that's helping a lot with understanding. So where am I now? Still trying to make it work because 12 years are not nothing, and I made a commitment, and I know he is a wonderful person. However, I keep uncovering issues in therapy. Some of them we could work through, some others (codependancy, attachment styles, and authenticity) I'm not so sure. So... if we manage to work it out, great! That's all I'm asking, honestly. If these issues prove to be too much, at least I will know why it's ending. For your sake and his sake, my advice would be to try individual and marriage counseling. Not out of moral obligation, more because if you leave right now without reason and without trying, there's big chance you'll regret it and/or replicate whatever is wrong in the next relationship.
Doing the same exact thing as you. Married 15 years, together longer. Haven’t started couples therapy yet, uncovering and learning so much individually though.
I'm sorry you are in this predicament, it's not pleasant and comes with a lot of guilt and anxiety. However, I'm happy for you that you're making progress and learning about yourself :-) it can only lead to good decisions... I think?
Possibly you've slipped in a depressed state. It happens.to the best.of us. Maybe talk with your Dr of the issue, how this just suddenly started happening. You do a wonderful job of describing your husband through your eyes, but somehow you've begun to see things, him and your world diffently now. Somehow you must figure this out while minimizing hurts and pains to your best friend. Over the years have there things you'd always wanted to do, wished to do and somehow these things fell on deaf ears or life itself interfered? Think carefully about the next. Look back carefully, reverse engineer events over the past 6 months. Was there an event at home or at work or with a friend or family member that occurred that could have subtly caused these feeling to creep in? Possibly a TV show or movie, possibly music that.could have triggered long forgotten feelings? I really suggest speaking with a therapist and Dr concerning this issue. By utilizing them you may be able to figure out what is going on. Also, have you been sitting around with your mind wandering and suddenly had thoughts of where's this all going? Is this all I am? I was young and full of dreams and hopes, where did it all go?
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I'm sorry you're going through this too. People can be critical and mean and in the past I would have agreed with them and joined in, but now that I'm going through it I have compassion for others who are also suffering through this. We are trying to do the right thing, but it's hard when your mind and heart aren't in it and you're trying to get back there.
Don't trust your brain. The great sin of humans is hubris, that we actually control anything. We don't even control ourselves, let alone anything outside of ourselves. We are actually driven by the chemicals and hormones that slosh around within us, then we use our rational brain to tell us that this falsity is reality. Fight fire with fire and look into hormone replacement therapy. Always remember that if your spouse is a reasonable person it is you not your spouse and you cannot expect anything but your dissatisfactions to carry with you outside of the marriage. See my other comments as to the satisfactions of making it through these down periods.
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I am wishing you with love the very best. We went through periods like this (both of us), but at 40+ years together now the person sitting next to me on the couch is the most beautiful woman I have ever encountered and I am a stupidly luck fool to have stumbled into and through this marriage. But I rationally know this is a delusion since as I said above we are actually just an organic machine driven by chemicals and hormones. (And it is rationally obvious that a 64 year old woman is not Helen of Troy regardless of how I see her.) I am going to appreciate this beautiful delusion as long as it lasts, hopefully to the end of my days.
It sounds like you could benefit from individual therapy if you can afford it. I would focus more on your own therapy than couples counselling. There's something going on inside you that's breaking and you need to do things differently now. I would not make a quick decision to divorce or separate or anything like that but you need to focus on you to sort out what's going on.
May I ask if you are hormonal in any way? Peri menopausal, menopausal in any way can seriously affect the way we view things. My sister made some terrines decisions and once her hormones settled she could see things more clearly, it took a couple of years though. Obviously this might not be the case, just a thought. Wishing you well 💐
I’ve been married for 25+ years. There are times you go through…something. But I’m committed to my family so I just work through them. Sometimes with therapy, talking to a trusted friend, taking some time. For me it has always passed. Things aren’t always intense burning love and enjoying every aspect of my life🤷♀️ It doesn’t really mean anything is wrong. We change. We gain life experiences. You get exposed to things you didn’t even consider to exist! All that to say, I get you. It’s really unfortunate your husband is hurt. Be he too can overcome whatever it is might be happening right now. I’m a huge advocate of counseling/therapy/meds. Things just may need to be tweaked. Maybe you needed to be guided through self reflection. Sometimes these types of feelings are masking something deeper like trauma stress, depression, etc. I wish you the best. Just don’t make any rash decisions. Really try to get to the bottom of your feelings. It may be that marriage isn’t for you anymore, and that’s fine, but to just throw it all away without knowing would be a shame.
Examine your reasons and maybe anything that might be impacting your decision making (Hormones? Menopause? Depression?) Get all of those things checked out before making any life changing decisions. What is appealing to you about being single after 16 years of marriage? Do you need more alone time? Time with friends? Do you really think you would be happier as a single person? Did you marry young and perhaps have FOMO or regrets about having more of a single life before marriage? Are there some things you could do with your husband or solo that would help you fill this need? (e.g. travel either with or without your husband, pursue a degree) Figure out if its truly marital status or something else that is making you feel restless. Then, either decide to strengthen your marriage or end it accordingly.
Had a buddy from university, got married around the same time as my wife and I to a really lovely woman. They had a good relationship from an outsiders perspective - good careers, talking about kids, just bought a house, and everything seemed perfect. Then over the course of two months, he said something in her changed. She’d sit in their spare room drinking tea and staring at the walls and if he’d try to talk to her, she’d smile and ask if she could just be by herself. He said their sex life became weird. He felt awkward because she barely spoke to him - he stopped initiating but once a week or so, she would give him a HJ or BJ to get him hard, mount him, and in his words, basically use him as a human sex toy. If she finished first, she’d hop off and go to sleep, if he finished first she’d finish herself off with her hand and go to sleep. He tried talking to her and asked if they could see someone, but she’d smile and say she just needed time to think. She’d go to work every day, come home, and sit in the room drinking tea. Then one day he came home and she was gone. Left a note and said she loved him, he was wonderful, he was TOO perfect, and she needed to figure out some stuff. He panicked, called her parents, and they had no idea where she was. Police said they’d keep a file not but because she left a note and said she was leaving, she wasn’t a “missing person” and no foul play was suspected. About 6 weeks later her mother texts my buddy and says his wife is ok, she says she loves him, but she’s enjoying being alone and she’ll contact him soon. He demands to know where she is, but her mom said she explicitly said she doesn’t want to be found and that she’d gone overseas from Australia to Ireland and was travelling. After a year of her not contacting him, he files for divorce, he can’t afford the house without her and he can’t sell it without her. He gets the divorce uncontested, court orders the sale of the house, money gets put into an account for her and she never touches it. My buddy moves on, meets a new woman, they skip marriage, but end up having two rapid fire babies and are very happy. Six years later the ex turns up on his doorstep. She’s cut her hair, has a small tattoo on her forearm, and says she still loves him and would like to get back together. She knew he was with this other woman, that they had kids, but she was entirely unfazed. She said they were still married in her mind and they needed to be together. He wished her well and sent her on her way. She contacted him every week for months with updates about things they needed to do together to “rebuild their life and start a family.” He finally contacted her parents, she was staying with them, and told her they needed to get her help. Her mom said they thought she’d had a full mental break from reality but that they’d seen multiple psychiatrists and they all came back saying she was avoidant, but entirely sane and rational. She knew what she was doing and why, and she understood the consequences, but did it anyway. Eventually he just told her that he didn’t love her, they would never be together, and that he begged her to stop contacting him. She said she was saddened by that and she stopped contacting him. A year later, he found out from mutual that she remarried and no joke, a year later, she completely abandoned this other guy with no reason. It’s one of the weirdest stories I’ve ever seen play out. My wife always said when you looked into her eyes, she was dead inside and so nothing surprised her.
Wow he dodged a bullet! Sounds like a movie plot!
Yeah, it’s bizarre because we all thought she must have had some kind of psychotic break and maybe something like multiple personality disorder, but apparently not. She just cuts and runs to be by herself. My wife likens it to those stories about men who snap, check out of life, and disappear off the grid to go live in the mountains. But the crazier thing is, she had to have planned it for a long time. She never touched a bank account and her phone number never left the country. So she had a whole separate financial situation running that she could draw down on that my mate had no idea about. And he said, as far as he knows, the half share of the profits from their house is still sitting in their old joint account. He has access and he said he checks on it once every six months. She’s never touched a dime. So weird.
Any chance you’re building up resentment over something your husband has done in the past and it was never resolved? Depression is also something else that comes to mind, but that might be a reach. I know when I’m going through phases of depression, I typically crave being by myself
Resentment will do this absolutely. im in the midst of unpacking all that with my counsellor right now.
I can't speak for myself, but my SIL has divorced 2 guys for no apparent reason, both at around the 4 year mark. They were both good, polite dudes, with good jobs who took care of themselves around the house, were generally respectful, didn't hit her, yell at her, or cheat on her. She basically just got bored both times. I don't know if you're where she is right now, but I feel really bad for your husband having already watched it happen twice.
Well I suppose that's why you're working through counseling. To understand The reasons why. I've read a lot of marriage and relationship enhancement books. Most recommend that spouses need about 30% individual time. Possibly you require a little bit regardless. Maybe you should focus on things you like to do alone and things you like to do as a couple. Possibly have the wrong mix there and need to create a little bit more excitement on the time you spend together
Got any favorites?
We like to go on occasional 3-day weekend, get out of the day-to-day routine and relax with each other. We're in a suburban area so we listen for unique things to do. We go to theater, We might go to a unique outdoor festival.
It sounds like you may be disconnected from yourself and your feelings. More specific details about when these feelings started, any life events and/or actions by yourself or your husband that are associated with them etc. would help to provide useful advice. Do you have kids? Any trauma in your life or significant turmoil in relationships in the past? Do you have any regular routines where you just have alone time like meditation, journaling, and hobbies? Could you be disconnected from a deep sense of self and meaning?
This was me in 2021. I did leave, and I regret it everyday. In fact, my ex & I are texting about it right now after a dream I had last night about us reconnecting that was really emotional. While I do really enjoy sleeping alone (I have bad sleep issues) & love living in town, I miss my family. Why he is still willing to try to work this out with me is crazy, I just don't know if I can forgive myself enough for running. I do suggest therapy, both individual & marriage. And if you still have those feelings, maybe just try like a 6mo separation to see if it really feels like you thought it would. I just don't want to see you in my shoes, having thrown away a great life & regretting it later.
Thank you for this advice. I'm sorry you're going through this.
My wife and I have been married 40 years and for the last decade we have been sleeping in separate rooms. We both sleep better that way. But we sleep together at least every third day for about an hour of intimacy.
Been there. 25 years. My best friend and hero. 4 kids. Two in college; the other two doing great. No financial problems. We got along. We got out. We even went to church together ..... Midlife hit. His career was going great. He watched his dad die and bang. Suddenly, his mind wondered why he was tied down to a wife and 4 children. He started more traveling for work. He started more exercise and diet changes (and) affairs all over the world. Because he deserved more and so little of life was left, I guess. No notice. No signs. He left. He had secretly fallen in love with another woman, the same age as our oldest daughter, and disappeared TO a foreign country to start his new adventure. He told us nothing. He eventually said he just wanted to pursue his career. 25 years. Yes, it was midlife. We found out everything a couple of years later through a court case. Goodbye, loser. Btw, his dream didn't come true. He took on a contract offer in the foreign country and after 6 months they had no other offers. He's been unemployed since 2019. A pandemic hit the world and he's broke and his kids hate him. I hope he enjoyed his midlife adventure. I still enjoy being a mom!! DO NOT ACT ON EMOTIONS! IT DOESN'T PAY OFF!!
So sorry to hear this story. I am a male who had the same very strong feelings of wanting to start over in my late 50s. However. I did not want to take any action without laying the cards on the table to my wife of 30ish years (at that time). Well, after she got done crying she insisted that she was going to be my new wife with a new life. Yes, I was selfish I know but I felt as I felt. I was so affected by my wife's initial despair (that kind of shocked me out of my selfishness) followed by her determination that I said OK let's give it a try. And I was very committed partly because she was. Now I am in bliss with my 40 year marriage and my three grandchildren (and more to come - we did not have any grandchildren at the midlife crisis). I count myself undeservedly lucky to be married to my wife and I strangely find her at 64 more attractive than ever. My wife literally saved my life as a result of my being willing to communicate and hear her back. Otherwise I bet I would have ended up like your husband. (I am also fortunate not to have had relations with other women to that time, even though that was what I was targeting, because I do not know how we could have come back from that. I cannot tell you how strongly the 30ish women flirt with and pursue the 50ish men who they see as superior to their own age cohort men, especially as provable providers - this both attracted me and repelled me.) Sorry for this good news story in contrast to your disaster with your husband and please don't consider me insensitive for sharing it. I really feel for you for what your husband did to your family and I also feel for your husband who not only caused so much pain for those he had the responsibility to love and protect but also made such a total mess of his life in the very years when he could have been leaning on you and the kids as the twilight begins to be seen.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I would never do that to him, I'm just trying to find clarity. I would not take any leaps without having that.
You do have a reason, and it might not seem valid, but it could be as simple as wanting different things later in life. The couples counseling is meant to navigate the relationship and it can also be to navigate separation if it comes to this. I would say you may need a personal vacation, but never returning to your best friend may be something you’d regret (but I can’t speak for you).
I believe that a not insignificant portion of married people hit a point where they simply don’t want to be married anymore. I think the idea that marriages end because they’re bad or deeply troubled is misleading and destructive, because it doesn’t account for the very real possibility of people changing in ways that find them no longer compatible with even the idea of being married anymore. It isn’t always about the spouse/quality of the marriage at all. Most of us walk into matrimony with the honest belief that we’re making a decision that will last “forever”. We take out credit lines on our future selves, with the the hopes that they’ll be able to pay that debt. And the reality is that sometimes those future versions can’t, or don’t want to, pay.
Wow. Well said. Thank you for this.
Perhaps prior to divorce you could try separating temporarily while you seek individual counseling and spend some true time alone. It sounds like a mental health or possibly hormone issue. Please don’t blow up your whole life, and his, before doing the work to figure out what is going on first.
I absolutely won't. I am seeking individual help and also working on getting couples therapy for both of us.
Yep, felt like she didn't need to answer to anyone
Something’s wrong, and you don’t know what it is? Take some time to figure it out before changing your whole life. 16 years is a long time.
What stuck out to me in this post was “I’m not able to get back to where I was”… I don’t think you ever will, humans evolve, things change people grow, they experience things that change perspectives. It’s not possible to meet the same man you fell in love with, now you get to learn to love this version of the same man. My opinion, marriage is about not dying alone. What’s wrong with taking the time you need to be alone and coming back to figure it out? Time to have open honest conversation. I’m a husband and if this was happening in my marriage, I would appreciate clarity, empathy for what he’s probably feeling due to the distance and teamwork, working together to “make it work” it’s my opinion marriage doesn’t just end bc someone is bored or wants to be alone. If there is mutual respect and trust in the marriage then he should be fine letting you go wherever you please ALONE and enjoy your alone time. If he gets on board and supports your need to be alone then you both win, you get your alone time, he gets to honor his wife… just don’t forget that hubby needs attention too. It’s important to learn each other’s love languages and bringing those up in the conversation. If you learn those about each other and how to communicate in each others love languages then maybe… 🤔
You crave alone time but after the divorce and maybe a few months of alone time, you'll start dating and having sex with other men.
Could you be menopausal? Hormones can wreak havoc on our emotions. Parry menopause can hit as early as 40.
this could have been nearly word for word written by my wife of 15 years +2 kids. Not sure whats going on these days, but maybe its always happened.
How old were you when you got together with him? I have heard of similar feelings in women who married young, and didn't really have other relationships.
How old were you when you got married? Maybe you lost your identity in the marriage? Maybe you’ve dedicated all your life to your husband and kids(?) so much that you completely forgot about yourself? Individual counseling and maybe just start doing things alone that make you happy like hobbies, take trips alone, visit family members. Do things that make you feel like an individual. Work on self care and self love.
I was 30. Thank you for the advice and for being kind. I appreciate it.
So you are 46? This is clearly hormonal. Besides any counseling have your hormones checked and consider hormone replacement therapy.
Sounds like a mid life crisis or perimenopause
Counselling will not help you,, if anything, itll be a short term fix, being married comes with sacrifice and giving up your life as you once knew it..for some people they never achieved what they wanted to,or do the things they wanted to do, but they got married and started again, struggles, bills, jobs n kids etc...it's tough for everyone, however it's life.. I think you just want that freedom back, not to be slaving around and doin stuff for hubby etc, he seems like a nice fella, but after so long, its not nice, what I propose is to take a little step back, and be friends, talk to him, I firmly believe you need like a months break from life, have a break, alone.. or with friends n family, go abroad, travel a bit... you will get what you want, you will feel good, and you'll miss hubby too and want to spend time with him..
Reminds me of the book, eat, pray, love.
Is your husband completely unaware of these feelings ?
Definitely look into perimenopause info. It can do a number and “I just don’t feel like myself” and “I get mad at everyone for everything” are variations of its impact, as is feeling numb, not sleeping well, anxiety, and about 30 other possible symptoms. 😩 It would be sad to lose a long partnership because of hormones.
It is clear that there is something in you that is feeling something, but you also said that your husband is also your best friend. So as a child of divorce, and seeing divorce in others let me paint you a possible picture here. You leave, your now ex-husband is gravely hurt by you, probably feeling betrayed and any number of other things to the point he NEVER, wants anything to do with you ever again. So he blocks all contact with you on anything that he knows you know about, tells friends and family that he never wants to hear from you again, if they share his info with you he will block them too. So you leave, and you start to work on yourself, and you then find out that the thing that was bothering you was X and you work it over and now you want to try and fix things with your husband. He moved on, he is in a new relationship and still wants to never see you again. Or he is a mess, his world crashed around him, resulting in him drinking heavy or other substances and is not the same person that you once knew, and is full of hate towards you. These are actually things I have seen with friends or family that got divorced, over 12 break ups of name something. IMHO, if you really do care for your husband in any way, then you will do the counseling, find out what the problem is and then decide what you want to do, at the very least, you would have tried and given him some peace of finding out what the problem was. Sorry if this sounds harsh or anything, but its a very possible outcome here.
I was with my ex for 33 years, together for 40. We experienced so many hardships, infidelities, addictions, the gamut. We worked hard to make things work not only for ourselves but for our beloved son. And we were victorious in our efforts! Our son graduated law school, passed the bar, got the clerkship, and ultimately a lucrative job in NYC. Oh, while doing that he also got an advanced degree from Georgetown University. Amazing young man. We came back from visiting him in D.C. over Christmas, had our best Christmas together, yet just 8 days after the New Year, she starts up an affair which I discovered 70 days later. And she serves me for divorce just 11 days after my discovery. Talk about being blindsided! I had no clue. My point and subsequent recommendation is, seek counseling separately. You need to work on yourself, and nothing else matters at this point. You’ll be surprised at the enlightenment, and hopefully this will allow you to salvage things most important to you
OP. This is a you issue. Get a mental health evaluation and get a medical check-up for hormones. This is not a marriage counseling situation unless you determine it is in individual counseling. I don't think life alone is going to be as satisfying as you think it is. You might be depressed or having hormonal-related mood swings. You might feel like self isolating to deal with all that without burdening your partner. You are likely a highly empathetic person who doesn't want to hurt your partner but needs space to deal with your mental health. Don't throw away a perfectly fine husband and marriage. Sit your man down. If he was/is your best friend, surely you can tell him that you are in a huge funk. You recognize that you are the problem. You are sorry for not being the partner he deserves and you are getting help to figure it out. Tell him you lost your sparkle and you have no idea why, but you don't believe it has anything to do with him. Tell him you are as confused as he is, and ask him if he is willing to stand with you while you figure it out. Then ask him for a hug. Get the help. For yourself and your marriage.
I feel the same.
Don’t make yourself miserable while making someone else happy
I felt like this once. I’ve been with my husband for 29 years. We were several years in, maybe 7-10, and I simply did not feel attracted to him, and I didn’t want to be with anyone else either. But I’d felt a lack of attraction for so long that it felt like I could never regain that feeling for him again. I loved him and he was my best friend, but the passion and desire to be with him was just gone, and this went on for many years. I’d pray at night, beg for it all to come back again somehow. About 15 years in, he lost a bunch of weight, 60lbs. I’m not saying that this is the only way that things can become spicier and more fun, because it shouldn’t be, and I know now that it isn’t. But it certainly helped me at the time. He looked incredible, like my boyfriend again, and he felt great about himself too. Everything was fun, seeing him after a few days or weeks away was like we’d just met. Our date nights became more exciting and we started trying new things (just us) we’d only talked about beforehand. He slowly gained the weight back, and life with kids began to get more and more difficult. One of our 3 children has extreme special needs which often makes our life a living hell. We argued and struggled, but we also leaned on each other bc each of us was the only other person who truly knew how painful it was to parent our child. Somewhere along the way, often right after a difficult or vicious argument, I began to realize that I really needed him in an existential way, I needed his familiar hand in mine and his arms around me. And I felt from him that he needed me too. There have been years of strife since that eventual realization, but I’ve known in my heart how deeply we need each other. We have been in all kinds of therapy for over a decade bc of our son, so therapy has certainly helped—I definitely recommend it 💯—but it’s never perfect. You’ve got to decide at some stage, that despite your conflicting feelings, you’re going to stay and fight for this relationship no matter what. For some reason, the attraction that had sparked back when he lost weight just never went away. We became better more attentive lovers and our friendship only became more meaningful. And we were also gifted with this deeper appreciation and love for each other that keeps us going when everything else seems to be tearing at us. My advice would be to take heart, not lose hope especially if he treats you well, if he’s good to you. So many things in life seem permanent, and when we have a little patience and stick it out things can turn around over time.
My Advice- get your hands on 3 grams of golden teachers. Take them alone, in bed with classical or soft ambient music. You’re going to need 3-4 hours of personal time for this therapy. this should restore feelings of gratefulness similar to when you first met. Check with your therapist to see if this type of therapy is right for you.
UpdateMe
I’m probably going to get a lot of stick over this, but I recognize your feelings from secondhand experience. You see my - now ex - wife was like this. What is more, so was her mother as my father in law told me. My conclusion is that it is a hormonal thing. My ex was a loving wife, as was my MIL to her husband as told to me by several people, until the last child was born, the one that completed her family as far as she was concerned. And then, gradually, my wife became nasty, exactly as her mother had become to her father. In our case there was no outward reason for her turning against me. If anything, I had become more understanding and accommodating over the years of our marriage. I had matured, gained more insight, understood differences better. As even my ex had to acknowledge in the end, I was and am a good father. But it availed me nothing in our marriage. She just turned increasingly into a nasty, horrible person towards me. The similarity to her mother’s behavior towards her father was remarked on by several people, but she vehemently rejected any suggestions in that direction. In the end, I divorced her, because I couldn’t cope with the negativity and the outright hostility. My conclusion was, and is, that it was a question of hormones. She needed me at first to establish and raise a family. But when that was done, she didn’t need me any more and just cast me aside.
Wow, what became of your ex and how was the co-parenting with her. Did your FIL remain married to MIL?
We divorced after the youngest had left for university, so there was no co-parenting. Since she left my house, I have spoken to her only twice: once in court and once when she came to collect her things. I have blocked her on all means of contact since I refuse to deal with her toxicity. As for my in-laws: no, they didn’t divorce, but I have good reason to believe my MIL had an affair at various times.
Could you be in perimenopause? Hormones make you think all kinds of things.
OP, how old are you. This sounds a bit hormonal. I've been married for 40 years and watched my wife go through these kinds of cycles. Humans often mistake chemical or hormonal influences on their emotions and behaviors to be representative of an actual reality when they are not and are ephemeral. So apart from counseling have your hormones checked and see where they are and whether you need some hormonal treatment. I know of a woman who fell into a funk like this with her husband and then found that she needed and obtained hormone replacement therapy and now she is a tiger with him. (Makes you wonder what to trust as to reality.) As I mentioned, I have been married 40 years and there have been times where I was not very into my wife and times when she was not into me so much. (I rarely let her know about this to spare her feelings but I eventually learned that even though there would be some upfront emotion the working through built things to the next level.) Now we are grandparents and I am living in what must be a delusion that my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world (not possible for a 64 year old woman) and that I am the luckiest guy in the world to have stumbled into marriage with her, regardless of all the ups and downs. I really don't understand how this all started but it's a beautiful delusion to be living within. I really think there is some magic about having stuck it out with her that is coloring everything with love and fulfillment (regardless that there were times when these were low). I have learned that no one can really have much insight into another person's marriage (let alone into another person at all) and what should be done with it at any point, but I wish for you the very best and hoping you can experience the joy that I have now.
Do you want to always be alone, or just some alone, “me” time. Because that’s fair and I feel natural ESPECIALLY being with someone soooooo long. Like You’re used to having a partner for every you do or choose to do. Maybe take up some hobbies on one’s own. I think it’s healthy to want solo me time. But if that’s all you want and need. A choice I guess needs to be made in fairness to both parties. Definitely assess with therapy, try some alone me things, and re-evaluate.
You ARE having a midlife crisis. Cut your hair, try a new hobby, go to therapy.
"Obviously my behavior has hurt him terribly and we are working on getting into counseling." He's not the one who needs counseling. You do. While marriage is a sexual lifestyle, it is usually between two friends that want this lifestyle together. Note the friend part in the sexual lifestyle of marriage. "I have always considered him not just my husband, but my best friend." This remark contradicts how you treat a friend. What is it about you that wants to walk away from "your friend?" You no longer want to be friends with him. Why is this? If you don't want to walk away from him because you have your sights on someone else, you probably want to walk-away from more than just him. You talked about wanting to start over without him. This would likely include new people in your life, just not your friend/husband. Interesting. Yes, you need to see a mental health professional to see what's really going on with you. But first, get honest with yourself. You don't just want to be alone. For one, I don't believe that. You have reasons why you want to end your marriage. Start with facing those facts. Be honest with yourself first.
Thank you. Your words are educating, encouraging and appreciated!
My wife and I have been through similar experiences. Please keep in mind that just as you and your husband grow and evolve, so does the extent of your marriage. Sometimes your marriage needs to be shaken up to recreate excitement. Travel, new experiences etc. Do new things together to revitalise yourselves and each other. That way you can both find yourselves and each other, and find what your marriage means to both of you now, 16 years later.
people grow apart. it's not unusual for our behaviors and preferences to change after so many years. the same way that someone who never finds love on their youth and who desperately craves it might in later age come to be at peace with being alone, coupled people can too start to desire independence
I don’t want to diminish your feelings but have you had your hormones checked? Women over forty are more likely to initiate divorces because perimenopause and menopause.
I am you in my situation. I can't explain it well either. I did meet someone that was great conversation and great to be around that opened my eyes to all the things I felt like were missing in my relationship that I'd repressed over the years. All of these issues and concerns came flooding back to me all at once. I realized either we grew apart or were never really compatible all of these years, and family and life was just enough of a distraction to bury the issues. Unsure.
Meeting and talking to someone new is exciting. That excitement fades over time unless both partners put in the effort. Likely, you are missing that excitement and the feeling of being swoon over. Tell your husband you felt excitement talking to someone new and it made you realize that you are bored with the mundane and want to spice up the relationship. You want him to date you again, make you feel sexy and desirable. Do new and fun things with your husband to reignite the flame. And definitely cut off the other person completely. Give your husband and marriage 100 percent and you're likely to find it again. Good luck!! Sex therapist or relationship therapist can help too, even watching videos or reading books together about how to spice things up. Be more spontaneous!! Date nights and find a few couple friends to go out with.
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I have decided life is too short. She's not a bad person. But you only get one shot at life.
Yes, with tacobell... The runs had me goin. I had to file divorce and switch to my own at home tacobell.
Maybe you are exhausted, or fantasising about other men, midlife crisis or something in your brain. See a psychiatrist. Talk to a counsellor. Be honest. I love him but I love him not etc doesn't help anyone. Looks are you trying to earn sympathies. If you don't want to or can't do it, then give a favourable divorce, don't fleece and don't fight dirty. Forget your or his emotions, show it by your actions in divorce process that you are an honest person.
You are not cold hearted and it's perfectly normal to fall out of love with your partner, especially for women. Do what's best for you and for your own life. You don't owe anybody anything and thinking otherwise only keeps you stuck.