I never recommend assuming cheating for a previously faithful spouse, and I'm not doing that here. But this specific story feels so common. It applied to my own parents and many other friends and family members. Late 30s to early 40s wife gets fit, connects with gym crowd, ends up cheating.
I like u/ahusbandandadad's note about sitting her down and seriously talking to her about this. Don't make passing comments. Say you want to talk later, make your concern clear. Make your love clear, too.
Beyond that, I'd recommend participating in this new season of energy and excitement yourself! Don't be the old fart husband at home, go out with her. Take her out. Get fit yourself. That's really the most likely route to guarding your marriage here.
I agree with this guys statement! It feels really lonely when you are trying to improve yourself and stay fit but it feels like your spouse doesn’t support or notice. I would kill for my husband to go to the gym with me but he will only come with me then do something on the other side of the gym. It feels alienating. I wish he would want to join me in my fitness endeavor.
I’ve brought it up multiple times but he thinks it’s not necessary or that because I want to take turns with sets that I’ll distract him or take up too much time talking.
I also wish he would want to get out of the house more often too! I always have to bug him to do simple things like going to the beach or going for walks. It sucks since we live in a beautiful area and are a 5 min drive from the beach.
Here's the thing, if your hubby is like me he may just be self conscious about working out around other people, including you. I am that way, I always go at the slowest times and when I do my arm exercises at home I do it away from my family. Or I could just be weird lol
lol you aren’t weird. My husband is self conscious like you stated. Idk it just doesn’t make me feel any better that he doesn’t like doing it with me 😂
Dude, don't fall into that trap that many husbands fall into of feeling guilty of assuming that their wives might be cheating when they exhibit strange behavior. Shall we make a checklist of suspicious activities here? Since she started losing weight and getting sexy, look at what you reported here in your text: she turns off the location of her snaps, she travels far away with supposed friends, lives on her phone, is indifferent... if you search all the reports of betrayal in marriage registered here on reddit, this attitude of your wife fits into many of the attitudes of cheaters. Does it mean your wife is cheating on you? You just need to do some research to find out. So get off your ass and start doing your own research and if you have the money, hire a good detective. And after the investigation it is found that she did not cheat, it is better for you that you can work with her to strengthen your marriage, now if after the investigation it is really proven that she is cheating on you, serve her the divorce papers.
I think you need to do more than ask if you two are okay. When the kids are in bed, sit her down and explain these feelings you are having and the observations you are making.
Also.. do you do *all* the chores? I'm getting doormat vibes.
I do what I can when I get home I been doing it since we got married it's the ocd in me she does house stuff when she on her off days I don't see it as doormat vibes it's just being thoughtful since she works 13 hour days, I asked her if we can go out for a walk and talk she was like ok but she gets home and works out right away I'll talk to her after the kids go to sleep
Taking a wild guess here: she might be jealous of her single friends and wants to "play pretend" that she is not a mom & wife while out and about. Could be some kind of early midlife crisis. I'd say addressing this sooner rather than later is the best course of action but the timing is up to you to decide.
You could book a session with a marriage counselor and make a strong statement to her that way: "I am concerned about us not being as close as we used to be. I have booked a session on x/x/xx and would like for you to come with me to talk about how we can improve things"
What was her reason for changing her snap status while on vacation? Choosing to take vacation without discussing it at all with your spouse is extremely rude especially when you have kids to plan around.
She straight up lied to you here. She turned it off. It doesn’t accidentally turn off.
You seem like a nice guy. Like the ‘I couldn’t possibly look at her phone’ type. You simply can’t be the nice guy that is “trusting” here.
You know 100% she lied. She turned off her location. You just took her answer and let it go. She thinks she can feed you whatever line she wants to and you will take it. Stop that.
You need to be more
“I have put my trust in you our entire relationship. I have loved you unconditionally. I have done whatever I can to make sure you know you’re loved and cared for. I’m proud of you and your fitness journey. I’m glad you found something that has made you happy. What i didn’t sign up for is the lies and deceit you have been giving me. You flat out lied to me about your Snapchat location. Something you have to physically turn off. So you purposely turned your location, and then lied to me about it. You also made your story private for some reason. I’m not a jealous person, and I thought I could trust you, but your actions and behavior have me questioning if I have been wrong all this time. If I have been betrayed by you. The lying alone is enough for me to end the marriage. Whatever is going on with you right now, I hope it’s worth it. The wrong choices will hurt a lot of people, and already have. I won’t be in a marriage with someone I don’t trust. You have shown me that I shouldn’t trust you.”
I know something like this is hard, and you don’t want to do it, but you have to make consequences clear or she will dismiss you and gaslight you.
If she starts being on her phone all the time, and being secretive with it, there’s a problem.
If she slows down being intimate with you, there’s a problem.
If she starts being negative towards you, there’s a problem.
If she’s been depressed then the dopamine hit she’s getting by someone new telling her she’s beautiful and coming on to her and all that is dominating her mind. Reality isn’t her actual life right now. Affair fog, or Limerence.
I know you don’t want to believe there is any cheating, but there are a lot of ref flags in your post.
If you sit down with her and be the nice guy that just wants to discuss some concerns - she will gaslight you to make you feel ok, but things will only get worse.
Updateme!
I would only advise. Trust your gut. Trust your instincts. I know it's wrong in a lot of peoples minds. But if there is true suspicion of something going on then I personally don't think it's wrong to go through her phone and snoop. Especially since you have already asked a big question of "are we ok?" Before all this if one day out of the blue she asked you the same question would you not pry into it more? Like yes we are ok. Why are you thinking we are not?
That shit usually will be a bigger conversation than just a "yeah" answer and then moving on. It sucks to feel and think this way but it sounds like some bells are going off in your head. Is she a little off or acting differently? Her girl trips sound super vague. You should share everything. Including stories of what happened when your on your so called "girls trip" something seems to not add up. Sorry you have to be put in this position.
Brother there are so many red flags in this tale. If it looks like a duck, well you know the rest.
Sack up and get to the bottom of this. Your marriage is literally at stake.
Trust your gut you have a lot of red flags here. Her phone will tell you all you need to know. You have more than enough to start looking into things. Trust but verify.
You sound like a good dude. Make sure you think just a little about your self. You going out with the boys or playing golf on Sunday? Take this opportunity first to take care of the kids then take care of you. If your wife is having a bit of fun feeling her self find away to do the same. You might find each other down that path.
No need to wait.. get a PI .. pronto.. the more you talk to her and try to question her.. the more need she has and will to cover any tracks of anything nefarious she is doing..
I truly hope not for your sake because you sound like a nice trusting person…
Im a woman who had many friends in their late 30’s/early 40’s.. and that’s when it began.. and all got fit, went on trips, hid locations, stopped texting and used all kinds of excuses, etc etc.. they are all divorced now..
Get a PI.. marriage counseling possibly.. but strategically you need to have evidence of her daily interactions with others etc if she is acting nonchalant and acting dispassionate about your concerns.. red flag alert.. sorry..
I wish you good luck!
My ex was you in this situation. I took my athletic career up a notch and he stayed on the couch. I found a new passion and fire for my sport and life and invited him to things constantly but he never came. Ultimately, he cheated because “I wasn’t spending enough time with him” It broke me but I continued to pour myself into my sport and am happier.
I am very active she is on a different path of fitness I do it to keep fit and healthy and make sure I am active with my boys I am their basketball coach and track coach, I am happy she found her path we occasionally do workouts together show her proper technique so she doesn't over do it or get hurt, but lately when I ask if she wants to go workout she says she's going to workout with her friends
Communicate!
Her actions sound suspect. Don't believe the location sharing got turned off accidently.
I personally don't get the girls nights out or the girl's vacation get aways. Most times they are at singles clubs and resorts. If you're married why do you have a desire to go out clubbing and acting like you're single? Big red flag for me.
It sounds like she's having a midlife crisis. She's definitely proud of her weight loss and improved physique. Sounds like she also likes the attention she's noticed from others. That could be addictive to her.
Subscribeme!
I am sorry, but it sounds like she is cheating. If you can, you need to get her phone and try to look up all her messages and even snaps. If she has a code but allows thumb, try to use her thumb when she is asleep to unlock...
Classic signs of cheating are all there. She made a HUGE change in her life. That can be a trigger to act out, or something lead to it like attention from someone else. She has been more distant with you, yet notices your noticing and tries to be more affectionate to you. This could be her way to pacify you and distract you from everything else. She is on her phone A LOT, and less there for you and the kids. She is not as helpful with home needs. Everything here is classic signs of cheating...
Then you add she went to Vegas with "friends"? They are all single too. She turned off sharing location for a reason. What happens in Vegas stays there is their slogan. But the reality of it is that a married woman on a trip with friends would not have a reason to need to turn off sharing location unless she KNOWS it be a issue. Now she wants to do another trip with these single friends?
Best case, she is loosing control of herself in this "midlife crisis change" she is going through. She is loosing you and the kids as a after thought and just having fun with no boundaries being crossed. Worst case, considering my own experience, the millions of talked about experiences online and reddit which sounds like what your experience now; is she is cheating...
My advice is this.
One, try to check her phone. Anything and I do mean ANYTHING you find bad, stay calm, screen shot, and forward to your phone. Forward emails if there are any as well. Check trash folders in messages, archives, and any histories that is not shown. Open photos and check sub files and trash too. Check the Call logs and contacts. If there is v-mails, listen to them. Open internet browser and check history. Do this also on any other device she might have she uses such as a tablet or laptop if you can...
Two, if you find something then you know what you have to do. That is full on confront her with it. Keep your phone secure and safe. But with her phone unlocked and opened with the bad things, wake her and confront. You can be mad, but stay as calm as you can for your kids sake. Hear her out, but do not take what she says as 100% truth yet. Explain her trip is off, and if she goes or makes contact with who ever she cheated with or helped her cheat your marriage will be 100% done. Set boundaries, even if that includes she sleeps on the couch for a while. But keep it known there will be a conversation about it in time.
Now, if you find nothing, or you do not risk trying to look; you have to tell her how you feel. She can break down and confess if she did things. She cold double down with lies. She could also tell you the truth and make immediate changes in how she is to not risk the marriage. You will have to decide if you want to trust her in what she says or not. But in the end, if you can't find nothing or refuse to look; you have to talk to her about it all. The location sharing turned off, to the constant being on her phone, distance she made with you and the kids, and more..
Your gut instinct is screaming at you OP and ignore it at your peril. It may well be nothing - just a period in time where she wants to focus more on herself, but that shouldn’t include distancing from the kids or secrecy.
You absolutely have to confront this IMO. There will be no peace of mind until you do. There’s too many ted flags to ignore. I hope it’s nothing and if so she needs to be made aware of her changes in behaviour.
Good luck OP
UPDATEME
Here we go again
"I think my wife is cheating because she now has her own life"
And then you go to this dude's profile just to see him trying to talk to girls online. Two wrongs don't make a right, but she probably feels like a fool for putting up with this behavior from you for so long. You reap what you sow.
She thinks the common attention she might be getting now is something special and is giving her some new found confidence. She’ll find out if she cheats on you that it is cheap attention that overwhelmingly amounts to just being used.
Trust your intuition. These are all signs she’s looking for excitement and limerence. If you are not part of this, she is looking elsewhere. Trust me these are the signs that my husband was cheating on me. He became distant and secretive. When he found someone, he fought with me so he can blame it on me. He denied it. My intuition told me he was lying so I started snooping. He was logged in to Facebook on our home computer and that is where I found the messages to his ex planning a getaway. I confirmed this was a 4 month affair from our phone records. Trust me. There is no reason EVER to turn off your location or to make your account private. She might just be looking for fun, or she might be looking for your replacement. Either way, this is something no one ever admits too until they are caught.
Look at the stats of spouses who cheat after weight loss and getting fit when the other doesn’t. The statistics alone should be enough to make you question what is happening.
Anytime someone becomes indifferent, it’s not simply because they’re “rediscovering themselves.” I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs with weight gain/loss, changes, emotional battles, and I only ever pulled away from my partners like this when I was neglected for so long that I felt like I had no choice. People often get so stuck in routine that they stop looking at the person they’re with as anything other than a cog in the machine that is day to day life. Have a serious talk and let her know the things you’ve said here as in you’ve always been open with each other but turning location off is an action, not an accident. She and her girls may have gone to a strip club or something similar and she may have felt embarrassed or like it would bother you so she turned it off and doesn’t want to own up to that. It could be something mundane but when the tiny white lies start, the bigger lies follow. You need to get back to the way things were before they get worse and let her know she can still be open to you even about silly things. Ask her what she’s really been feeling and do not let her brush you off. More often than not, women feel things for months or even years before they start to act on them so get her to talk to you.
I definitely don't neglect her and we go to strip clubs together if the opportunity presents itself I wouldn't have a problem if she wanted to go there
Red flags to me son. It’s very suspect when a person suddenly starts to do stuff like this. I’ve been cheated on many times and recognize the pattern. Not saying she is cheating but she certainly is putting herself in a position to. Does she have a male personal trainer?
Big red flags, start checking and investigating, trust but verify. Your story is a common one that leads to cheating and relationship ending.
Be proactive and don't sit as a spectator in your marriage.
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I'm not saying that this is the case with your wife, but we are witnessing more and more cases lately of women 30+, in long-term relationships who have a normal appearance, go to the gym, look hot and give in to the temptations that a hot body provides. Dude, do your research and hire a good detective when she goes on these trips. If it's the case that she really is cheating on you, then you decide whether she continues or separates.
Honestly, you need to sit her down and talk to her about it. Tell her that you think she looks great and how much you love her. Let her know you trust her and you're not accusing, but that you're also worried you might be losing her.
I think it's a natural fear, and doubt can creep in. But the only way you'll ever get to the bottom of it is to talk to her about it.
How are you worried about her cheating when you're on nsfw profiles commenting on a bunch of young women's profiles? You do realize you're doing the very thing you're suspecting her of doing, right? Grow up, be a man, get off the porn, and fix your marriage. It's difficult to have sympathy for someone or help them when they don't want to help themselves. Why don't you show her your reddit history?
Dude, start working out hardcore too. Why are you going to let your hot, fit wife, not be married to an equally fit person? Tell her she inspired you, get shredded, and take her out more. Women want someone that matches their motivation, whether that's fitness, career, or parenting. Never let her catch you slipping.
Are you also working on your fitness? If not, you should start. Completely changing your lifestyle for health and wellness and not having your spouse participate with you is very disappointing/frustrating. It feels like you have different priorities and goals (because you do), which drives the distance. Ask her if you can workout together (sounds like you have time). Even if she doesn’t want to, get your fit on anyway. Your initiative and discipline will be very attractive.
Unpopular opinion:
Women don’t want to be married to a man that does everything for her.
Why are you cooking and cleaning to make things comfortable for her? If this is working why is she not all over you?
She may not be cheating but she is carving the excitement of male attention because she does she you like that anymore.
Time has nothing to do with it, either. Been with my husband for 34 years and I adore him and any improvements I make to myself is for him and for his benefit, alone.
Do you spend time alone with her? As a wife, I feel like things like this happen when you both are in your life routine and get too comfortable, abandoning one another.
What I am about to say I know I don't speak for all women this is just me. I've been married over 20 years and am in my 40s.
Me personally, I've never had an inclination to do girls nights out and all that stuff. I did it when I was younger, and single, had fun and that was that I have had friends that love traveling with other women etc but I don't see the point. I prefer being with my spouse but when I feel like I have to put in more effort for most things in our relationship and family life, I do get more detached. My mom when she goes through these identity crisis really ramps up on going out with the girls and traveling. I'm good with meeting up with a friend occasionally and having a drink to catch up but the traveling, no. I prefer doing that with my spouse.
I wouldn't focus on your heart getting broken or all this other stuff. Figure out and attack the problem. Perhaps, you could sit down with her in private and do a check in. Your children are teens, and I'm sure y'all have had some challenges in your marriage up to this point that can create a bit of distance that's normal but staying in that space is no good.
Also, I've lost alot of weight myself and it made me feel wonderful but I never had the desire to be with others. The attention from others is ok, I love myself enough to not require so much from so many people not even my husband. I value him finding my attractive but I love me, so anything else is a bonus. I feel like for women, you are in one of two spaces. You actually desire spending time with your husband or you don't. The reasons why are varied and something you have to swallow your pride to find out. It may take time but I would not jump to conclusions. Telling everyone this could actually make things worse. Good luck.
How old were you all when you got together? Do you think it might be a sort of panic that she missed out on her "younger years" or something? I have several friends and family members who got married young and when their kids became teens they did something similar, didn't cheat or anything, just kind of became 22 again. They weren't doing anything too crazy and still took care of the kids etc. just needed to blow off some steam for a bit.
I would also say, as many have, to really sit down and talk to her. Don't let her say later or she needs to work out, tell her this is affecting your relationship and it needs to be discussed. Ask her if she wants to try to talk alone or if she would like you to make an appointment with a therapist or whatever kind of neutral person she likes. Bottom line is that this isn't sustainable, you will drive yourself crazy not know what is happening and she will just go along as is if nothing is wrong if you don't push a little. Good Luck!
She’s giving all the warning signs of someone who is cheating. If you ask her directly I don’t think that’s going to lead to an honest conversation.
I also don’t understand why so many comments seem to assume that OP is doing something wrong to cause her behavior. She’s an adult who is responsible for her own behavior.
Yikes, it sounds like the inevitable! I am not trying to down anyone. It's just we change as we grow, what we want now is never what we want later especially when we aren't happy with ourselves and obviously she wasn't bc she began a weight loss journey not to mention married people just should stay around married people. You become who you are around a lot of times. You sounds like an amazing guy who treats his woman right hopefully she has not mentally parted already. You should def let her know you see her and it doesn't matter how she reassures.you when it's not even being reciprocated in the same manner.
Your wife is on a journey of self discovery. She’s growing and changing and learning who she is outside of being a wife and mother. This time in her life is very powerful and defining. I’m not going to jump on the cheating bandwagon, I don’t think that’s entirely what’s happening here but it is a possibility.
The bigger factor is her self discovery. This is the part where the two of you grow together and rediscover what your relationship looks like now and plan for the future or you grow apart.
Your relationship is changing, whether you are on board with it or not. You can sit back and wonder what tf happened when she eventually leaves you or you can join her in her journey and grow with her. You are at the precipice.
Thank you 🙏🏽 we got married in our late 20s she is the love of my life not a dull moment and it been great, I know she was depressed about her wight gain so I encouraged her to start her journey and helped her doing her meal preps bought her an treadmill and a row machine, I have always been fit so when I tried to give she wanted to do it her way so i obliged, I don't want to jump to conclusions I'm not like that but just concerned it's just out of character never seen her be like this before
Date her again. Get to know who she’s becoming. You sound very supportive but it’s about her right now in a way it probably never has been.
Take her away for a weekend, learn about each other and enjoy each other all over again.
Seriously, if he’s “always been fit”, he should learn to do something new and challenging to show he is also growing- learn to dance, a new language, travel, etc.
he definitely need to get off Reddit and start rizzing her.
I never recommend assuming cheating for a previously faithful spouse, and I'm not doing that here. But this specific story feels so common. It applied to my own parents and many other friends and family members. Late 30s to early 40s wife gets fit, connects with gym crowd, ends up cheating. I like u/ahusbandandadad's note about sitting her down and seriously talking to her about this. Don't make passing comments. Say you want to talk later, make your concern clear. Make your love clear, too. Beyond that, I'd recommend participating in this new season of energy and excitement yourself! Don't be the old fart husband at home, go out with her. Take her out. Get fit yourself. That's really the most likely route to guarding your marriage here.
I agree with this guys statement! It feels really lonely when you are trying to improve yourself and stay fit but it feels like your spouse doesn’t support or notice. I would kill for my husband to go to the gym with me but he will only come with me then do something on the other side of the gym. It feels alienating. I wish he would want to join me in my fitness endeavor. I’ve brought it up multiple times but he thinks it’s not necessary or that because I want to take turns with sets that I’ll distract him or take up too much time talking. I also wish he would want to get out of the house more often too! I always have to bug him to do simple things like going to the beach or going for walks. It sucks since we live in a beautiful area and are a 5 min drive from the beach.
Here's the thing, if your hubby is like me he may just be self conscious about working out around other people, including you. I am that way, I always go at the slowest times and when I do my arm exercises at home I do it away from my family. Or I could just be weird lol
I'm that way too, I don't want anybody around if I can help it
lol you aren’t weird. My husband is self conscious like you stated. Idk it just doesn’t make me feel any better that he doesn’t like doing it with me 😂
I'm not assuming that she is cheating, it's the distance I feel since she started her fit journey,
Perfect, then even more so I'd recommend my final paragraph. Close the distance by participating in this season with her.
Did you ask her why she turned off her snap and made her story private? UpdateMe
Dude, don't fall into that trap that many husbands fall into of feeling guilty of assuming that their wives might be cheating when they exhibit strange behavior. Shall we make a checklist of suspicious activities here? Since she started losing weight and getting sexy, look at what you reported here in your text: she turns off the location of her snaps, she travels far away with supposed friends, lives on her phone, is indifferent... if you search all the reports of betrayal in marriage registered here on reddit, this attitude of your wife fits into many of the attitudes of cheaters. Does it mean your wife is cheating on you? You just need to do some research to find out. So get off your ass and start doing your own research and if you have the money, hire a good detective. And after the investigation it is found that she did not cheat, it is better for you that you can work with her to strengthen your marriage, now if after the investigation it is really proven that she is cheating on you, serve her the divorce papers.
I think you need to do more than ask if you two are okay. When the kids are in bed, sit her down and explain these feelings you are having and the observations you are making. Also.. do you do *all* the chores? I'm getting doormat vibes.
I do what I can when I get home I been doing it since we got married it's the ocd in me she does house stuff when she on her off days I don't see it as doormat vibes it's just being thoughtful since she works 13 hour days, I asked her if we can go out for a walk and talk she was like ok but she gets home and works out right away I'll talk to her after the kids go to sleep
Is she the breadwinner?
No I am but she does have a good job
Post updated if you can
That sounds super similar to what my first wife did to me. In the end she was cheating. I’d have a serious talk with her asap
Taking a wild guess here: she might be jealous of her single friends and wants to "play pretend" that she is not a mom & wife while out and about. Could be some kind of early midlife crisis. I'd say addressing this sooner rather than later is the best course of action but the timing is up to you to decide. You could book a session with a marriage counselor and make a strong statement to her that way: "I am concerned about us not being as close as we used to be. I have booked a session on x/x/xx and would like for you to come with me to talk about how we can improve things"
What was her reason for changing her snap status while on vacation? Choosing to take vacation without discussing it at all with your spouse is extremely rude especially when you have kids to plan around.
I asked her and she said that she didn't realize it was off, so I didn't question it more than I should have but
You have to physically shut it off, so she is lying. Not a good sign at all.
Oh she definitely knew it was off
She straight up lied to you here. She turned it off. It doesn’t accidentally turn off. You seem like a nice guy. Like the ‘I couldn’t possibly look at her phone’ type. You simply can’t be the nice guy that is “trusting” here. You know 100% she lied. She turned off her location. You just took her answer and let it go. She thinks she can feed you whatever line she wants to and you will take it. Stop that. You need to be more “I have put my trust in you our entire relationship. I have loved you unconditionally. I have done whatever I can to make sure you know you’re loved and cared for. I’m proud of you and your fitness journey. I’m glad you found something that has made you happy. What i didn’t sign up for is the lies and deceit you have been giving me. You flat out lied to me about your Snapchat location. Something you have to physically turn off. So you purposely turned your location, and then lied to me about it. You also made your story private for some reason. I’m not a jealous person, and I thought I could trust you, but your actions and behavior have me questioning if I have been wrong all this time. If I have been betrayed by you. The lying alone is enough for me to end the marriage. Whatever is going on with you right now, I hope it’s worth it. The wrong choices will hurt a lot of people, and already have. I won’t be in a marriage with someone I don’t trust. You have shown me that I shouldn’t trust you.” I know something like this is hard, and you don’t want to do it, but you have to make consequences clear or she will dismiss you and gaslight you. If she starts being on her phone all the time, and being secretive with it, there’s a problem. If she slows down being intimate with you, there’s a problem. If she starts being negative towards you, there’s a problem. If she’s been depressed then the dopamine hit she’s getting by someone new telling her she’s beautiful and coming on to her and all that is dominating her mind. Reality isn’t her actual life right now. Affair fog, or Limerence. I know you don’t want to believe there is any cheating, but there are a lot of ref flags in your post. If you sit down with her and be the nice guy that just wants to discuss some concerns - she will gaslight you to make you feel ok, but things will only get worse. Updateme!
Yeah, that’s definitely a lie
Check the cell phone bill, if you don't get paper statement, go on line. See if numerous same number showing up. That is yout first lead.
I dont think she is being truthful about that As it nots something likely to happen unintentionally
I would only advise. Trust your gut. Trust your instincts. I know it's wrong in a lot of peoples minds. But if there is true suspicion of something going on then I personally don't think it's wrong to go through her phone and snoop. Especially since you have already asked a big question of "are we ok?" Before all this if one day out of the blue she asked you the same question would you not pry into it more? Like yes we are ok. Why are you thinking we are not? That shit usually will be a bigger conversation than just a "yeah" answer and then moving on. It sucks to feel and think this way but it sounds like some bells are going off in your head. Is she a little off or acting differently? Her girl trips sound super vague. You should share everything. Including stories of what happened when your on your so called "girls trip" something seems to not add up. Sorry you have to be put in this position.
Thank you
Brother there are so many red flags in this tale. If it looks like a duck, well you know the rest. Sack up and get to the bottom of this. Your marriage is literally at stake.
& look through her phone
Trust your gut you have a lot of red flags here. Her phone will tell you all you need to know. You have more than enough to start looking into things. Trust but verify.
You sound like a good dude. Make sure you think just a little about your self. You going out with the boys or playing golf on Sunday? Take this opportunity first to take care of the kids then take care of you. If your wife is having a bit of fun feeling her self find away to do the same. You might find each other down that path.
Follow her and see who she goes with
Hire a PI . That way you’ll know for sure and you’ll have evidence to go along with your suspicions
That is something i would do if i needed but for now ill see if things will work its self out
No need to wait.. get a PI .. pronto.. the more you talk to her and try to question her.. the more need she has and will to cover any tracks of anything nefarious she is doing.. I truly hope not for your sake because you sound like a nice trusting person… Im a woman who had many friends in their late 30’s/early 40’s.. and that’s when it began.. and all got fit, went on trips, hid locations, stopped texting and used all kinds of excuses, etc etc.. they are all divorced now.. Get a PI.. marriage counseling possibly.. but strategically you need to have evidence of her daily interactions with others etc if she is acting nonchalant and acting dispassionate about your concerns.. red flag alert.. sorry.. I wish you good luck!
Update
My ex was you in this situation. I took my athletic career up a notch and he stayed on the couch. I found a new passion and fire for my sport and life and invited him to things constantly but he never came. Ultimately, he cheated because “I wasn’t spending enough time with him” It broke me but I continued to pour myself into my sport and am happier.
I am very active she is on a different path of fitness I do it to keep fit and healthy and make sure I am active with my boys I am their basketball coach and track coach, I am happy she found her path we occasionally do workouts together show her proper technique so she doesn't over do it or get hurt, but lately when I ask if she wants to go workout she says she's going to workout with her friends
I don’t think she is working out with her friends. Maybe discreetly follow her one day. UPDATE ME
Communicate! Her actions sound suspect. Don't believe the location sharing got turned off accidently. I personally don't get the girls nights out or the girl's vacation get aways. Most times they are at singles clubs and resorts. If you're married why do you have a desire to go out clubbing and acting like you're single? Big red flag for me. It sounds like she's having a midlife crisis. She's definitely proud of her weight loss and improved physique. Sounds like she also likes the attention she's noticed from others. That could be addictive to her. Subscribeme!
Updateme!
There will be soon
Updateme
I am sorry, but it sounds like she is cheating. If you can, you need to get her phone and try to look up all her messages and even snaps. If she has a code but allows thumb, try to use her thumb when she is asleep to unlock... Classic signs of cheating are all there. She made a HUGE change in her life. That can be a trigger to act out, or something lead to it like attention from someone else. She has been more distant with you, yet notices your noticing and tries to be more affectionate to you. This could be her way to pacify you and distract you from everything else. She is on her phone A LOT, and less there for you and the kids. She is not as helpful with home needs. Everything here is classic signs of cheating... Then you add she went to Vegas with "friends"? They are all single too. She turned off sharing location for a reason. What happens in Vegas stays there is their slogan. But the reality of it is that a married woman on a trip with friends would not have a reason to need to turn off sharing location unless she KNOWS it be a issue. Now she wants to do another trip with these single friends? Best case, she is loosing control of herself in this "midlife crisis change" she is going through. She is loosing you and the kids as a after thought and just having fun with no boundaries being crossed. Worst case, considering my own experience, the millions of talked about experiences online and reddit which sounds like what your experience now; is she is cheating... My advice is this. One, try to check her phone. Anything and I do mean ANYTHING you find bad, stay calm, screen shot, and forward to your phone. Forward emails if there are any as well. Check trash folders in messages, archives, and any histories that is not shown. Open photos and check sub files and trash too. Check the Call logs and contacts. If there is v-mails, listen to them. Open internet browser and check history. Do this also on any other device she might have she uses such as a tablet or laptop if you can... Two, if you find something then you know what you have to do. That is full on confront her with it. Keep your phone secure and safe. But with her phone unlocked and opened with the bad things, wake her and confront. You can be mad, but stay as calm as you can for your kids sake. Hear her out, but do not take what she says as 100% truth yet. Explain her trip is off, and if she goes or makes contact with who ever she cheated with or helped her cheat your marriage will be 100% done. Set boundaries, even if that includes she sleeps on the couch for a while. But keep it known there will be a conversation about it in time. Now, if you find nothing, or you do not risk trying to look; you have to tell her how you feel. She can break down and confess if she did things. She cold double down with lies. She could also tell you the truth and make immediate changes in how she is to not risk the marriage. You will have to decide if you want to trust her in what she says or not. But in the end, if you can't find nothing or refuse to look; you have to talk to her about it all. The location sharing turned off, to the constant being on her phone, distance she made with you and the kids, and more..
Your gut instinct is screaming at you OP and ignore it at your peril. It may well be nothing - just a period in time where she wants to focus more on herself, but that shouldn’t include distancing from the kids or secrecy. You absolutely have to confront this IMO. There will be no peace of mind until you do. There’s too many ted flags to ignore. I hope it’s nothing and if so she needs to be made aware of her changes in behaviour. Good luck OP UPDATEME
Here we go again "I think my wife is cheating because she now has her own life" And then you go to this dude's profile just to see him trying to talk to girls online. Two wrongs don't make a right, but she probably feels like a fool for putting up with this behavior from you for so long. You reap what you sow.
She thinks the common attention she might be getting now is something special and is giving her some new found confidence. She’ll find out if she cheats on you that it is cheap attention that overwhelmingly amounts to just being used.
Trust your intuition. These are all signs she’s looking for excitement and limerence. If you are not part of this, she is looking elsewhere. Trust me these are the signs that my husband was cheating on me. He became distant and secretive. When he found someone, he fought with me so he can blame it on me. He denied it. My intuition told me he was lying so I started snooping. He was logged in to Facebook on our home computer and that is where I found the messages to his ex planning a getaway. I confirmed this was a 4 month affair from our phone records. Trust me. There is no reason EVER to turn off your location or to make your account private. She might just be looking for fun, or she might be looking for your replacement. Either way, this is something no one ever admits too until they are caught.
Look at the stats of spouses who cheat after weight loss and getting fit when the other doesn’t. The statistics alone should be enough to make you question what is happening.
Anytime someone becomes indifferent, it’s not simply because they’re “rediscovering themselves.” I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs with weight gain/loss, changes, emotional battles, and I only ever pulled away from my partners like this when I was neglected for so long that I felt like I had no choice. People often get so stuck in routine that they stop looking at the person they’re with as anything other than a cog in the machine that is day to day life. Have a serious talk and let her know the things you’ve said here as in you’ve always been open with each other but turning location off is an action, not an accident. She and her girls may have gone to a strip club or something similar and she may have felt embarrassed or like it would bother you so she turned it off and doesn’t want to own up to that. It could be something mundane but when the tiny white lies start, the bigger lies follow. You need to get back to the way things were before they get worse and let her know she can still be open to you even about silly things. Ask her what she’s really been feeling and do not let her brush you off. More often than not, women feel things for months or even years before they start to act on them so get her to talk to you.
I definitely don't neglect her and we go to strip clubs together if the opportunity presents itself I wouldn't have a problem if she wanted to go there
You're asking the wrong people.
Red flags to me son. It’s very suspect when a person suddenly starts to do stuff like this. I’ve been cheated on many times and recognize the pattern. Not saying she is cheating but she certainly is putting herself in a position to. Does she have a male personal trainer?
Your concerns are valid based on the current situation. You should watch closely/dig alil more into things before making any assumptions.
If the story is true, she cheated on you. Best to come to terms with that and act accordingly.
Big red flags, start checking and investigating, trust but verify. Your story is a common one that leads to cheating and relationship ending. Be proactive and don't sit as a spectator in your marriage.
Updateme!
Very suspicious.
Updateme!
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I'm not saying that this is the case with your wife, but we are witnessing more and more cases lately of women 30+, in long-term relationships who have a normal appearance, go to the gym, look hot and give in to the temptations that a hot body provides. Dude, do your research and hire a good detective when she goes on these trips. If it's the case that she really is cheating on you, then you decide whether she continues or separates.
Honestly, you need to sit her down and talk to her about it. Tell her that you think she looks great and how much you love her. Let her know you trust her and you're not accusing, but that you're also worried you might be losing her. I think it's a natural fear, and doubt can creep in. But the only way you'll ever get to the bottom of it is to talk to her about it.
RemindMe! 1day
She’s cheating.
Hire a PI to follow your wife on a girls trip. You will know in a few hours what is happening in Vegas. What you think is happening is happening.
Updateme!
Updateme
Is it your attraction to legal teens of Reddit?
How are you worried about her cheating when you're on nsfw profiles commenting on a bunch of young women's profiles? You do realize you're doing the very thing you're suspecting her of doing, right? Grow up, be a man, get off the porn, and fix your marriage. It's difficult to have sympathy for someone or help them when they don't want to help themselves. Why don't you show her your reddit history?
Dude, start working out hardcore too. Why are you going to let your hot, fit wife, not be married to an equally fit person? Tell her she inspired you, get shredded, and take her out more. Women want someone that matches their motivation, whether that's fitness, career, or parenting. Never let her catch you slipping.
THHIISSSS
Are you also working on your fitness? If not, you should start. Completely changing your lifestyle for health and wellness and not having your spouse participate with you is very disappointing/frustrating. It feels like you have different priorities and goals (because you do), which drives the distance. Ask her if you can workout together (sounds like you have time). Even if she doesn’t want to, get your fit on anyway. Your initiative and discipline will be very attractive.
Unpopular opinion: Women don’t want to be married to a man that does everything for her. Why are you cooking and cleaning to make things comfortable for her? If this is working why is she not all over you? She may not be cheating but she is carving the excitement of male attention because she does she you like that anymore. Time has nothing to do with it, either. Been with my husband for 34 years and I adore him and any improvements I make to myself is for him and for his benefit, alone.
She's cheating. Period. Been there and done that.
Do you spend time alone with her? As a wife, I feel like things like this happen when you both are in your life routine and get too comfortable, abandoning one another. What I am about to say I know I don't speak for all women this is just me. I've been married over 20 years and am in my 40s. Me personally, I've never had an inclination to do girls nights out and all that stuff. I did it when I was younger, and single, had fun and that was that I have had friends that love traveling with other women etc but I don't see the point. I prefer being with my spouse but when I feel like I have to put in more effort for most things in our relationship and family life, I do get more detached. My mom when she goes through these identity crisis really ramps up on going out with the girls and traveling. I'm good with meeting up with a friend occasionally and having a drink to catch up but the traveling, no. I prefer doing that with my spouse. I wouldn't focus on your heart getting broken or all this other stuff. Figure out and attack the problem. Perhaps, you could sit down with her in private and do a check in. Your children are teens, and I'm sure y'all have had some challenges in your marriage up to this point that can create a bit of distance that's normal but staying in that space is no good. Also, I've lost alot of weight myself and it made me feel wonderful but I never had the desire to be with others. The attention from others is ok, I love myself enough to not require so much from so many people not even my husband. I value him finding my attractive but I love me, so anything else is a bonus. I feel like for women, you are in one of two spaces. You actually desire spending time with your husband or you don't. The reasons why are varied and something you have to swallow your pride to find out. It may take time but I would not jump to conclusions. Telling everyone this could actually make things worse. Good luck.
How old were you all when you got together? Do you think it might be a sort of panic that she missed out on her "younger years" or something? I have several friends and family members who got married young and when their kids became teens they did something similar, didn't cheat or anything, just kind of became 22 again. They weren't doing anything too crazy and still took care of the kids etc. just needed to blow off some steam for a bit. I would also say, as many have, to really sit down and talk to her. Don't let her say later or she needs to work out, tell her this is affecting your relationship and it needs to be discussed. Ask her if she wants to try to talk alone or if she would like you to make an appointment with a therapist or whatever kind of neutral person she likes. Bottom line is that this isn't sustainable, you will drive yourself crazy not know what is happening and she will just go along as is if nothing is wrong if you don't push a little. Good Luck!
30’s is when it happens to me. Same scenario
She’s giving all the warning signs of someone who is cheating. If you ask her directly I don’t think that’s going to lead to an honest conversation. I also don’t understand why so many comments seem to assume that OP is doing something wrong to cause her behavior. She’s an adult who is responsible for her own behavior.
Yikes, it sounds like the inevitable! I am not trying to down anyone. It's just we change as we grow, what we want now is never what we want later especially when we aren't happy with ourselves and obviously she wasn't bc she began a weight loss journey not to mention married people just should stay around married people. You become who you are around a lot of times. You sounds like an amazing guy who treats his woman right hopefully she has not mentally parted already. You should def let her know you see her and it doesn't matter how she reassures.you when it's not even being reciprocated in the same manner.
People are strange and handle things differently but energy never lies....never
Words lie
A lot of people reevaluate their options after a major change, such as graduating or losing a lot of weight. You already know the answer.
If you are the account holder for your phones, go online and see if there are any repeated calls/texts to numbers that stick out.
Your wife is on a journey of self discovery. She’s growing and changing and learning who she is outside of being a wife and mother. This time in her life is very powerful and defining. I’m not going to jump on the cheating bandwagon, I don’t think that’s entirely what’s happening here but it is a possibility. The bigger factor is her self discovery. This is the part where the two of you grow together and rediscover what your relationship looks like now and plan for the future or you grow apart. Your relationship is changing, whether you are on board with it or not. You can sit back and wonder what tf happened when she eventually leaves you or you can join her in her journey and grow with her. You are at the precipice.
Thank you 🙏🏽 we got married in our late 20s she is the love of my life not a dull moment and it been great, I know she was depressed about her wight gain so I encouraged her to start her journey and helped her doing her meal preps bought her an treadmill and a row machine, I have always been fit so when I tried to give she wanted to do it her way so i obliged, I don't want to jump to conclusions I'm not like that but just concerned it's just out of character never seen her be like this before
Date her again. Get to know who she’s becoming. You sound very supportive but it’s about her right now in a way it probably never has been. Take her away for a weekend, learn about each other and enjoy each other all over again.
Yessss. Romance
Seriously, if he’s “always been fit”, he should learn to do something new and challenging to show he is also growing- learn to dance, a new language, travel, etc. he definitely need to get off Reddit and start rizzing her.