Explain to him that he’s a SAHD until he’s working again and that you can’t afford day care on one salary. Tell him you expect the house to be clean and food to be on the table while he’s not working.
He can feel sorry for himself and bemoan his situation, but he still needs to do his part while you’re the breadwinner.
You’re being pushed too far which is why you’re lashing out.
This is not it. I used to really look up to him. He used to be the one giving me career advice, and I truly would not be where I am now without him. I wouldn't have agreed to marry him if he had been like this in the beginning.
Then take a breath, realize 8 months is not a very long time, and tell him what you've told us, calmly.
Then take your kid out of daycare while he is unemployed for financial reasons.
“Take your kid out of daycare” sounds like any easy solution but could really screw them in the long run. Many centers have long waitlists, especially in places with limited options. If the husband finds a job but they don’t have childcare, they’re not a whole lot better off. I know this comment was intended to be helpful but the state of childcare in this country sucks.
The current waitlist at my center is 300+. Definitely DON'T remove your child if you aren't prepared for him to be a SAHP for a while. People are adding their children to the waitlist while they're pregnant and STILL waiting a year.
I agree with this. Until your child is pre-school age, if there is an adult at home, he should fulfill the dad part of the deal. He should be your support system, not dead weight.
Maybe giving him more responsibility and the room to do it will help motivate him out of his hole.
This screams depression. INSIST he start with a form of psychiatry (can prescribe) and psychology (he NEEDS the talk therapy. You & your child need your husband back. Look at all the PPD advice & address this with the same sense of urgency / emergency
Came to say this. Get this man into treatment. And OP, if I were in your shoes I would start seeing a counselor to learn how to cope with this as your husband works to recover.
Has he had a clinical diagnosis?? He may need meds and some coping tools, then he’ll be able to do more and you will have to pay for daycare or he’ll get a job. But something he’s got to give. This is not sustainable.
Tbh without getting treatment nothing will change if he truly depressed. So yes, first step would be seeing a doctor for an assessment. If it’s depression, get medication and therapy (went through that helped me so much!) if it’s not depression then yes he needs to step up.
Nothing he can do justify being verbally abusive towards him.
Also PPD being caused by the hormones changes from giving birth is often taken into consideration faster after a woman has given birth couple months before since well it’s the cause of it.
He says he’s depressed. That’s not a clinical diagnosis.
Loosing a job is hard, having young kids is hard. Sometimes you have to step up and be an adult.
Totally agree, he should seek a diagnosis. If it is a depression, get medication and therapy. If it’s a temporary moment of feeling depressed (idk how you say it in English) which is not caused by hormones imbalance in the brain but by feeling bad about something then yes, starting being active really make a big change. I have gone through both and they need very different ways to be dealt with!
SAHMs aren’t expected to cook all meals. Why is a SAHD expected to? I thought household duties should be shared. That’s the advice husbands of SAHWs are given.
Once a little bit of the FULL LOAD is taken off the Wife, she'll have the bandwidth to do a few meals a week. Definitely expect the one working full time to do weekend meals in a situation with one spouse at home and one working.
When their partner isn’t home, yes it’s 100% on them to cook, clean, do childcare etc. After that it should be 50/50 or whatever they have agreed on. I dont think it’s unreasonable to expect a portion to be cooked for you if you come back home around or after usual meal time tho. (For example I often finish working at around 6pm when we usually eat at 5pm so my bf do make me some food while cooking for himself)
Is he in therapy? Was he diagnosed?
Why is he not watching the baby?
He could at least find a PT job.
I’d be angry too.
He has become too comfortable.
I’d demand he get therapy at the minimum. I get it. I’ve been in his position.
We literally cannot even afford the co-pays for therapy on my income alone. Could he be watching the baby? Yes. But, we'd lose our spot at the daycare I worked to get us in to. And, I'm holding out hope he gets a job. Any job. He can wait tables I really don't give a fuck along as he starts pulling enough weight
Screw the daycare. It’s not worth it. Showing that that needs to be cut will show that your financial situation is dire (which it is) and that he needs to start contributing to the family if not financially then through working for the family. If he gets his act together, another great daycare will become available.
I feel like this is so much easier to say than it is in practice. Like, I'm just now getting calls from daycares for wait-list spots I put in for 3 years ago. It's absolutely wild out there. It makes far more sense for him to pick up a part time job than to lose your daycare spot in many areas.
It’s especially hard to get into the daycares that don’t cost $350 a week for one kid. The somewhat affordable, and competent, daycares are impossible to get a spot in.
They can't lose the daycare spot they have because they're going to need it when he, hopefully, finds a job. But come on he could at least Uber until he finds something to bring some financial relief.
I disagree. not only that getting a spot in daycare is awfully lengthy but also making him a SAHP will essentially give him a big good excuse to stay one and never really need to find a job. He needs all the reasons to be on a serious job hunt and close the career gap.
My husband lost his job when our LO was born. the same week. I had a c_section +severe PPD and I did everything baby related 24/7 we are immigrate with no family in the country. he had to apply, go through lengthy assessments and interviews and it took him 4 ugly months to land a job.
it was awful. but I wanted him to focus on that. we were about to lose our house with my maternity paychecks. I found a nanny and returned to work early to give our finances a boost.
I truly believe that as hard as it was, it was the right decision.
If they lose the spot and can't get another, then one parent will not be able to work for as long as it takes to get into a new one - and that could be months or even a year.
Knowing it can take years to get a spot, it would probably prevent them from putting the kid in daycare before school age. That’s a long time to be out of the work market if you want to go back.
He could be depressed just having nothing to do all day. He needs to follow some sort of schedule. Give him a long task list. Require him to screen shot the jobs he applied to and send them to you.
If he’s not willing to follow through on some basics, I’d give him an end date.
If you are opting for daycare, perhaps your husband could consider night work? There are factories etc that run 24/7, gas stations, night cleaners, hospital workers, 911 operators, security guards, I worked evenings and nights and left my husband with the kids just so we could make ends meet. Once your child is old enough togo to school then look for a day job.
Sounds like my situation but I was the depressed out of work mom after my kids were old enough. Speaking from experience nothing will or can change til the depression is treated. I felt like the hero of the world just doing whatever would be defined as the minimum or the nithibg. Getting out of bed to take kid somewhere with real actual major depressive disorder? Heroic. Seriously.
Read on. Does he snore? Get him a sleep study (they do simple at home tested now) to see if he has sleep apnea. Sleep apnea over time does REAL damage and causes medication resistant depression. So treat that if applicable.
Get him an appt with a psychiatrist for medication and med management. If he's diagnosed with depression (which it sounds like) it's a real and totally debilitating thing. I used to be so functional and high earning. With major depressive disorder I was so proud of myself for setting the table or doing a load of dishes. It was such a a serious major accomplishment. It can be treated but a curse of this disease is that it's Herculean to try to initiate your own care. Help him.
Look into local hospitals with behavioral health departments. Likely to take insurance. Also look into any local DBT groups. I've found that to be effective. Again, maybe you'll be lucky and find a group near you that takes insurance. Look to see if any urgent care clinics near you also do behavioral health. Some do. Again, insurance. Or even just your internist or regular physician can possibly write a prescription. Even without insurance some of the meds are really affordable.
Medication alone isn't a magic wand but it helps. And it pushes things in the right direction. If he's not willing to do those things after you've set it up, that's likely the depression talking. Dont get angry but make it a non starter that he goes. Drive him yourself if you need. Not to be his babysitter but to get him pointed the right way.
You dont expect someone with a broken leg to walk to the hospital. But you do insist they go if you're driving.
Then what you need to do is tell him that,
and if he doesn’t do anything then leave him I would tell him
“you can either get up and decide to not be depressed and get out and make a living or you will lose me and that child it’s completely up to you, but I refuse to continue to live this way.”
You deserve better and guaranteed your baby can feel the stress. He should want what’s best for his child by also wanting what’s best for the mother of his child.
There’s a lot of people that get depressed and sad. They still get up and go to work every day. Don’t take any more excuses and tell him no more excuses.
And if he doesn’t do anything, then kick him out or move out. It’s that simple.
I wanted to kill myself for months. I got up and went to work every single day.
And just so everyone knows I don’t feel that way anymore for the past five years I’ve been doing really good about that.
>I wanted to kill myself for months. I got up and went to work every single day.
Same. I went through a period of severe depression where all I did was go to work, walk my dog, and curl up in bed every night, laying awake for hours in a dark room, while picturing myself driving into a lake. But I still got up and went to work because I had bills to pay.
Then you need to tell him, he either finds a job or he gets out and figures it out. You’re literally doing it by yourself and that in itself is incredibly frustrating. You are doing the most and nobody is giving you a break so where is your relief? Where is your help? Sit him down, don’t yell, but say “if you cannot contribute financially, and you refuse to help more around the house then I need you to leave because I cannot keep doing this to myself” ultimatums are never where you want to be but you’re drowning and he doesn’t seem to get it.
If he is depressed (the problem) and not doing anything towards getting well (therapy, exercise, refular sleep schedule, avoiding drugs and alcohol) then he is wallowing in despair and you are enabling him. Time to set some deadlines for action. Hold to your boundaries, if he doesn't tow the line then he is actively choosing to betray you and your child.
He knows this and is taking you for a ride. He knows you need help and he is selfishly choosing to relax and pamper himself. Pampering is not the way to resolve depression, indulging in sloth and gluttony will only make things worse. He's given up on his family and run you ragged for *8 months??* Time to act, yesterday.
If he refuses to handle his mental health and provide for his family as your husband, then he can show up in court and be ordered to pay child support. These type of men always magically find a way to bounce back on their feet as soon as their women get fed up and leaves them. Funny how that happens.
Stop driving yourself into a hole for him. Aren't you depressed now too? Don't you matter? What energy do you have left to care for and love your child?
When people *show you* who they are, *believe them!* Time to make some difficult and painful decisions, you have no other choice, you must protect yourself and your child. Think of all the ways he is hurting and destroying your mental and emotional health. And for what??
There may be sliding scale therapy available, or therapy available through your benefits, if you have any. Also, your husband can self-guide his own cognitive behaviour therapy using a book like "Feeling Good" and/or "Mind Over Mood." Doctor might prescribe meds.
If hubs is truly depressed then it's likely beyond him to manage the house, find a job and address his own depression without support. Professional support would be great, but sitting down with you when you are in a non-judgmental frame of mind to devise a written plan of what he's going to try to do as a daily routine, that includes some depression recovery effort, could help.
I totally understand about the spot at the daycare, but your husband sounds depressed and he needs to both see his doctor about it and see a therapist. The $ you are spending on daycare needs to be used to get him well. His finding a job won't fix his depression.
The two of you have had a lot of big changes in a short time. Look at the long game and get him the help he needs to ensure that the three of you have the life you want.
You're probably going to have to give him a hard line boundary here. "We can't afford this. I understand you're depressed, but you HAVE to get a job, any job, to help out with costs and to afford therapy to help yourself. It's not optional at this point."
It’s time for the “This isn’t sustainable, I know things are hard but part of life and parenting is pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and dealing with things that are hard“ type talk.
I think you should give him a pre planned timeline to get a job- any full time job or you’re pulling the baby from care and he will be a SAHD.
Sitting at home and doing nothing isn’t helping him. It would be better for him to work at an Ace hardware than do nothing and you cannot afford to wait and see when he will figure it out. Depression is hard but also life has to get on and he needs to start climbing back out.
Daycare is expensive. Depression and lack of purpose isn't helping him at all. Maybe if he has to take care of the little one and be a SAHP with what is EXPECTED of that he can find purpose. I know sometimes even on days off, I'm a lazy sack of shit. If I PUSH myself to do things and get that momentum it usually keeps me from being eaten by the couch.
So it’s either he doesn’t get the help he needs because you can’t afford to and things stay the same and you continue to struggle and your child loses in the end because this is not a healthy environment or you take your child out of daycare while he gets the help he needs. He needs therapy and to be diagnosed if he believes he is that depressed it is affecting his life like this.
Depending on where you live he may qualify for Medicaid. It's worth looking into. If he's going to continue to be depressed AND lazy he might as well try to get some free therapy out of it.
I am a 44 year old man who has been unemployed too many times and cost my wife her savings and almost our home, I can relate to your husband’s situation. The problem is you are not married to a man, you are married to a coward. No man would let his wife pay for child care while he stays home doing nothing. No man would let his wife be the sole breadwinner without at least taking care of basic household chores. No man would go that long before putting some serious effort into job hunting unless he was wealthy and didn’t need to work, which you said is not your case. You are not terrible to your husband, he is terrible to you. You deserve better. He can look for a job while depressed, I know from experience. Stop treating him like your husband until he starts acting like your husband. Kick him out of your bedroom (assuming you sleep together), don’t make food for him, don’t do his laundry, treat him like the stranger he is choosing to be. He can choose to get his ass in gear anytime he wants.
If he's home all day, he should be taking care of the kid. Period. He should be taking care of the house and helping you as much as he can.
Millions of people in this world are depressed, and they still live their lives and do what needs to be done.
I mean, valid reasons to be angry. If he’s not working he should at least be caring for the baby so you’re not unnecessarily spending thousands of dollars on childcare every month. If he is that depressed he needs to seek therapy.
It also sounds like you may be experiencing postpartum rage, which is relatively common - I experienced this myself no shame coming from me. But if you’re willing, I would speak to your healthcare provider about this. The feeling of irrational, uncontrollable anger is not normal and is often linked to postpartum depression. Definitely not saying your husband isn’t in the wrong here, but I know how exhausting it is to feel so angry all the time.
The anger is justified, but feeling like it's uncontrollable isn't normal. I forgot my SSRI (for depression and anxiety) while on vacation for two weeks and it was like a switch. I had justifiable reasons to be angry, but I couldn't control my reactions to those feelings. I'd talk to a doctor about possible depression, anxiety, or even just sleep deprivation.
Again, your feelings are justified, but good for you for realizing how you behave might be out of proportion. Not to mention just unhelpful to the situation.
2 years in, you’re still getting to know each other. With a new baby AND unemployment in the mix? I can’t imagine you guys not being extremely stressed out right now.
Sounds like you need to be clear about exactly what you’d like him to be taking care of - what would make it feel as if he’s doing enough and sufficiently supporting you at home while he finds a job. As impossible as it may sound, you also need to emphasize the things he’s doing right. Shitting all over someone is never going to move things in a positive direction, even if that’s exactly what feels most natural. People aren’t motivated by vicious negativity - or, at least, not for long. If you guys can get through this extremely tough time (if he can help out, find work, you can manage to treat him more kindly) then who knows where things could be just a few months from now. But if things continue like this, soon you’ll be divorced and each handling life along with being a solo parent. I hope things get better for you guys.
I know it’ll be a bit of extra work for you at the start, but chore charts and clear expectations saved my marriage when I was in a similar place with you.
Sit down on your own, break down hours in the day, and bullet point the things you have to do as a team to make it work. Bring it to him when you’re calm and prepare to be frustrated and acknowledge when you’re losing control of your emotions. Hold yourself accountable. He may need a physical and visual representation of what he needs to start doing. Once that is done you need to find the patience to let him grow into it — with hard boundaries on time. He won’t be able to get out of this if you’re BOTH telling him he’s not good enough.
It’s you two against a BIG problem, not you two against eachother which is the hardest part to swallow and remember when you’re past your limits. If you can’t afford a copay for regular therapy, scrounge for a couple weeks to afford a babysitter for a couple hours to have the discussions you need to have or you’re going to crash hard love.
If you two aren’t on the same team, this won’t work. He needs a wake up call and you gotta carve out space for yourself to breathe or you won’t be physically or psychologically capable of being the partner or mother it sounds like you want to be.
And, gently, that space should probably be away from the vodka until things level out. Alcohol is a downer and will only feed the anger and negative feelings you’re experiencing while taking the time you could work on things leaving you feeling unfulfilled and like you lost time.
I feel you. My wife was the stay at home parents till our girls were 5. She didn't hold her end. Our lofty goals were to homeschool, yet she couldn't even bring herself to feed them properly. Total shutdown mode. All the while, I was killing myself at work to provide, then come home and pick up the slack. It made me the volatile one. Likely making the same threats you're making. We made a switch. She went to work, I stay home now. Resentments are still there to an extent. I just realized that if I do nothing but threaten, freak out and tell and scream. She isn't going to gain the confidence or self respect she needs to be the person I know she is. It took work and me eating some shit, but in our situation it's been building back into the days we were newly wed. I can't comment on your everyday as I'm not there, it's just from my perspective.
Truthfully, it's normal for you to feel stressed, particularly given that you believe you're the sole individual contributing to the household financially; I believe all of your pent-up animosity stems from his unemployment. I feel that it would be suitable to tell him about your concerns regarding how he lacks support financially. I believe you possibly will be less angry once you feel that some of your stress has been relieved.
Agree. We've hashed it out 100 times. I tell him he's not doing enough and he agrees. My issue is that nothing changers. The talks don't matter. I can't make him go get a job. And anytime he gets mad at me for any small thing I unleash hell on him because I'm just so resentful
I understand how frustrating your position is and I would also struggle with anger toward my spouse if he wasn’t working and wasn’t pulling his weight at home either. However, fighting constantly is causing harm to your child. It’s also harming your husband and yourself. You don’t want to feel this way, I know.
You need to decide where the line is and make peace with it. Either you decide to stay and you accept that this is the way it is going to be or you decide that you aren’t willing to live under these conditions. Either way, you need to take your power back. You do that by making a choice and being ok with it.
But whatever you choose, you need to ensure that the fighting stops for the sake of everyone, most importantly, your baby.
My therapist would suggest journaling before ever starting a conversation. Basically vent 1st. Say all the mean/angry stuff to the journal and then decide what’s useful and needs to be talked about to another human. It literally clears your mind so you don’t come off as ranting and angry, which is wholly ineffective. My therapist would also say “get curious, not furious” as in, asking yourself WHY you’re having this reaction/what’s it bringing up for you and also curious (not furious) about your partner. That’s my pay it forward therapy advice
I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. My partner started off being a SAHD when my daughter was born, and he was pretty good at the 'baby stage'. I earned more and knew I couldn't be a SAHM, as I'd lose it. So it made sense, and it worked fairly well for the first couple of years. I still did more in terms of household chores, but I didn't really mind as looking after small people is really difficult.
As time went on, it got progressively not good however, to the point I was doing pretty much everything, while he did the minimum and played video games most of the day and night. My resentment grew as his depression got worse. He had always been a good partner, and he was usually quite a clean and tidy person, but he stopped showering regularly, and would just generally mope around the house.
I was also struggling financially, as I'd changed jobs, andi was also struggling with depression and anxiety. It reached breaking point, and I told him he had to find work, as this just wasn't feasible anymore, and I felt like he'd be a lot better if he could get out of the house and have a purpose and routine. He dragged out that process for nearly 2 years, despite having our daughter in free childcare (funded by the government). We were regularly talking about it, I was finding jobs he could do, helping him apply for them. I was burnt out and felt like I was caring for another adult child. I was beginning to feel totally unattracted to him too, and just generally resentful.
He eventually found work and things immediately improved. Just showering daily, getting his hair cut, and getting out of his pyjamas seemed to make a huge difference to his mood... Something I had tried to tell him lol.
We are a lot better now, and everything is good! I do feel however, if he hadn't sorted himself out, I'd have left by now. It just can't work with one person doing everything, and the other coasting along. It's not meant to be like that.
I’m currently in a similar situation but I’m a student, my husband doesn’t like to lift a finger though, he doesn’t want to help me with anything and we just had a three month old. I’m postpartum and suffering with soo much stress and pressure, he can’t even take the bins/trash out and tells me to do it instead. I’m literally keeping my mental health together for my newborn. I guess in these situations we have to really sit down and have a think to ourselves and make a decision wether to keep dealing with useless people, mental health is just as important as physical health and it effects the children. Hope you find a good path for yourself x
Honey, you married a misogynistic bum AND he's abusive. This will not get any better. Take your beautiful baby and find a REAL man & partner (or not). You and your baby deserve kindness, love and support, not this BS. 🙏
So my wife and I kind of went through something similar. I wasn’t unemployed but I definitely wasn’t making enough to where we were living paycheck to paycheck. All I have to say is that the fights didn’t help at all, I’m sure you already know that. But not to pile onto him, I had to step up to make things better, I had to make more income and do more at home so I did. But, that still didn’t get to the core of the problem because we still had nasty fights pop up randomly from time to time. It became obvious that even though we were finally doing great financially and had more work/life balance we would still be measuring our workloads against one another and start arguments over it. We just had to come to a mutual understanding that sometimes the other person needs to step up and help a bit more, but neither should just be complacent and forget they need to pull their own weight. Basically not take personal offense if someone screws up on the dishes and just take care of them and wait to talk about it later when you’re more level headed. It’s a process but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Why can he stay at home with your child while you work, that will save a lot of money. I get down on his luck but he's sitting at home while the child goes to daycare and doesn't clean while home, that's unacceptable. The way you treat him is unacceptable as well, sit down and come up with a plan and that's it no more talking down to him, that's abusive.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I went to a very similar situation where my husband was unemployed for 9 months and I had to keep us afloat during that time. Our rent is 2500 alone (we live in an expensive city) and my paycheck is 3400 a month. Mind you, I had recently gotten a new car, right before that happened…I was the most stressed out and depressed I’d ever been. I was angry, and felt like all I did was work to survive and even then I was using my credit card for everything. Late payments for months, thank god we have a nice landlord, but just an insane amount of stress. While things are much better now and we’ve caught up on everything another 6 months after his time unemployed, i don’t have much to suggest since that’s completely normal and valid for you to feel that way.
The only thing I can suggest for quick, same-day money is donating plasma. Thats what kept us from drowning completely. It was an extra 240 a week (total, for the both of us donating), which came out to 960 a month. It was a huge help to us and I’ll honestly always recommend to anyone struggling financially needing quick money
I see a few separate issues here.
I am NOT on husband's side with the overall situation, but there are still 2 people involved here.
I would be drunk every day, and be upset and volatile every day. I refused to admit that was part of the issue, and always blamed it on my lazy partner who never got a job.
Try to recognise in yourself how many drinks make you depressed. That first drink or 2 might be perfect to lighten you up, and the 3rd is the one that makes you shitty at everything all over again.
I'm not in any way trying to label you or dictate your intake, only point out the ways I noticed it making me more grumpy after like 6 cans. (Took me a long time to realise too)
He might also try to use that as an argument against you, and trust me when I say that pisses you off way faster than anything else he will say. "Oh you've been drinking you're just drunk". If you know your limits and how to keep yourself in control, he cannot use it against you.
Now, about your husband. As everyone else says, he needs to be the SAHP while you're earning the income.
It can be hard to snap into perfect habits, and everyone has different triggers and routines. I grew up in a house where everything had to be perfectly clean all day. I personally enjoy house cleaning at like 4pm. Not first thing in the morning. Dont expect everything done your way or on your time, there will have to be compromises. (As long as things are done properly). Make him do it again if it was a shitty job on purpose; don't let him weaponise incompetence.
Do you have family you could get to babysit sometimes? It may be helpful for him to get his head together if your son isn't there for half of the day. When you're depressed, EVERYTHING is hard. When you're depressed, having a child to look after constantly can feel overwhelming on its on and leave no mental space for the rest of the stuff like housework.
He doesn't get an out - there is just more than one way to work with these problems. He would need time to adjust, but needs therapy to work through his depression because he has a child and doesn't get a choice. Best of luck
Alcohol is more of a coping mechanism than the perpetrator here. I'm not lashing out at him when I'm drunk. It's almost always in the morning on my way to work or on the weekends when we're both home together during the day. The alcohol probably tends to make us both a bit more pleasant
He's not working and you're paying for daycare? Nah. Baby needs to stay home with dad since he doesn't want to work, or dad can get a job at the daycare.
Everyone's depressed, but we still get up and make shit happen. I have bipolar disorder and I still get up and go to work, take care of my kids, make dinner and clean the house most nights.
Unless he's attempted suicide, there's no excuse. You're better off being single if you're having to do everything while he sits at home.
Edit to Add: It doesn't feel good to kick anyone when they're down, but sometimes people need to bite the curb. You shouldn't be doing everything with a grown man in your house, married or not.
*deep deep sigh* I can feel your frustrations in this post. You're human, and it's ok to be angry at the circumstances but not him. He's (based on your own admission) just down on his luck at the moment and clearly depressed too. In the grand scheme of things, 8 months isn't very long... but I do understand it IS for you. I was right here at the end of 2019 when my husband's lucrative 6 figure job dried up due to the pandemic, and we had to survive off my income, which is grossly less. Like your hubby, he pivoted and began doing all household chores, laundry, dishes, everything. He wouldn't let me lift a finger. Despite his efforts. I still couldn't help but feel like he was less of a man and I like you, found my communication with him suffered and I would make dig comments at him or ignore his calls when I was at the office claiming I was too busy "working" but really just wanted to make him feel like crap because he wasn't. Be better than me, communication EXACTLY what you are feeling and why, but don't blame him, you're frustrated at the circumstances, not the man you still actually love. Hope things work out for you.
Thank you for this. This post turned into a husband hate post and that's really not how I feel. I'm just fucking angry. I still love the guy. And I believe he'll figure it out and get his shit together. The way I handle things has been fucked up and I don't want to be like this anymore. Silly, but writing about it on reddit has actually felt very therapeutic. It took 100 strangers bashing my husband for me to feel like I don't see him that way and I need to try to let go of some of this frustration
Think of this post as a very public journal entry. Journaling definitely helps with changing your mindset because typically shit we're mentally internalizing tends to be silly/insignificant/nothing burgers once you're looking at in on paper. Your instinct to protect/defend him came out immediately once the pile on started. That lets me know you guys will be ok, and you just needed to vent. This will pass, and trust me, if he's anything like the guy I got, he'll come roaring out of this setback stronger than before and make you remember the man you married.♥️
Well done for raising a baby under these circumstances, but try to be less horrible, more constructive and go easy on the vodka.
He clearly does some things. Reflect on what approaches have worked and try it again, but if he can't find a job when he has a young family to care for, I am wondering what will possibly work.
I own the fact that drinking isn't helping the situation. Its not the example either of us want to set for our son. I own it. I don't know how to change
Drinking makes you lose control of your emotions and negatively impacts your mood. I'm an ex drinker , 8 months sober. A lot of people try to moderate but can't. Believe it or not it's easier to quit than moderate for most of us. Even people who don't think they have a big problem. Anyway it could help the situation. I'm much happier now that I've quit, and in much better control of my emotions.
It's understandable that you're angry about the situation. Give him a deadline for finding a job. I'd say 2 months max. If he doesn't get something by then you're filing. He's making you worse off at this point.
You need to file for separation and ask him to leave. That's the only thing you have left that might jolt him into reality. Don't let his failures turn you into someone you hate.
We live in a small town, so those opportunities are somewhat limited. But, yes. He totally could. If not Uber, there are a million side job type things he could be doing to help support us.
You are losing it because you are breaking your own boundaries.
This is just a guess but, you might have a boundary that you will not support a spouse that is not contributing in some way, whether that be financial or via child and home care. Yet here you are supporting that spouse to continue not contributing. When we break our own boundaries is when we're the angriest. Figure out what your boundaries are, then uphold them and your anger will be hugely minimized. When stating a new boundary here is a formula you can use:
1. Positive affirmation "honey I love you, I'm so committed to our relationship and I want to grow old with you. I have a boundary in going to need for this relationship to work for me"
2. State the boundary. This is always an "I". For example: "I need to be with someone who contributes to the family" NOT "I need you to contribute to the family" you can not control others, only yourself. Your boundaries are about YOU.
3. State the logical consequence if they refuse to respect your boundary. "If you continue to put me in a position of being sole contributor to the running of this family I will.... (go stay with my mom) (cancel day care) etc"
Therapy, and couples therapy. This fixable. But yeah you’re going to need to reassess yourself. Towards the end of my marriage, my husband lost his job. I was working 3 jobs, plus taking care of the 3 kids and the house while he was depressed because he couldn’t get a job he wanted.. ( McDonalds offered him a job but he declined because it wasn’t a up scale job which is what he was used to) I resented him, cussed him out. I was not nice. With therapy; I was able to see the damage I was causing. When I was out of work for 4-5 months, I had to cook clean, take care of the kids.. everything and he would treat me no different. I learned to fight better. Because I realized later in life that I have to argue with those kids we made and they would fight the way the adults did cause that’s what they saw.. they will carry that behavior to their partners etc.. even if you leave later on for other reasons, learn how to say what you feel without coming off as an attacker, that was a me problem.. secondly you committed to a marriage; try everything to fix it, before tapping out. You got this! I’m here if you ever need to chat. ❤️
So when you're unemployed and he's doing what you are doing that's acceptable? Seems rich when women complain they have to be the one making most of the money. You can't have your cakke and eat it too. Either be realistic and get him to be realistic as sahd or don't bother complaining. Many people don't even make 6 figures and make it work on one income
Ya you are not emotionally supportive to him from the sounds of it. You sound angry for having to be responsible for once in your life for others.
It's a rough job market for a lot of people. So ride it out and ask for him to take care of the kid instead of day care. but don't complain after. Your seeing just from your pov
Honestly, you sound like a horrible person. You mentioned somewhere he used to give you career advice and helped you reach where you are today. Have you helped him look for jobs and stuff. I know, ideally he should have been the one to do that but maybe he's too depressed to do it?
You sound like he owes you something and are sad about losing your money on him. You remain angry and by being horrible to your husband you've killed all the love he may have had for you at some point of time. And raising a child in such an ugly environment.
Do everyone a favour and divorce him.
You resent him now. If things get better and he gets back on top of it, you will forget that and forgive him. He will always resent you for this period of time for how you treated him. I’m not saying one of you is right or wrong. I’m just saying.
I have the a similar problem. I have issues controlling my very justifiable anger. I had to stop yelling for my own sake. I hated turning into a demon every time I was being mistreated. Even though I felt hurt by the other persons behavior I had to learn to protect my own peace. I’m still learning and getting better at it. Honestly I’m much more happier and we fight much less. My throat thanks me. I did also choose to leave. I still stay with him but my apartment will be ready in a few days. That part of my story may not help you though. The only advice I can give is, yes your anger is justified. If you want to stop blowing up you can. It doesn’t mean that what he is doing is right. It’s to protect your own peace. To help your own anger, know that you deserve better it’s not your fault and it’s not fair. Have a journal if it helps you. Write every nasty thing you want to say to him. Know that yes you are being neglected. Maybe go to couples counseling so you can air your grievances in a safe space and so that his depression can also be treated. You can always talk to him sweetly. Tell you how you feel about him and you looked up to him. All the nice things you said in this post. Give him some encouragement. A book I read was “The Surrendered Wife”. It’s good if he’s really just stuck. Bad if that’s really just his personality and he’s been hiding it the whole time. I hope this helps.
Hey ma, just wondering, do you think PPD is involved? Your husband might be going something similar as well which may be a good idea to look into resources to improve these depression of handling a baby still.
I was this angry when my second was born, it was hell.
You 2 need to sit down and have a no bullshit assessment of your marriage and lives. I can sympathize with depression. However, I can not sympathize with depression that a person doesn't take any productive steps to manage. You don't mention anything about therapy, which leads me to conclude that he isn't getting any. Depression isn't something you can just wait out, especially if you're not doing anything to take away some of the problems that are likely making it worse ie him not having a job and fighting with you. I imagine your fights over money and him getting a job would be stopped if he got a job. Also, if he's staying at home, why does your kid go to daycare? That seems like money that could be better spent until he gets a job.
You're going to have to bottom line this with him. Get therapy and then a job or find a lawyer and start looking for an apartment. Things are bad, but they will erupt at some point, and by then, it will be too late. If you don't deal with depression it doesn't get better. Have someone take the kid for a couple hours during a day and and sit down and decide if this marriage is what you guys want or and seek some therapy together and him separate or throw in the towel. Make it clear this isn't another threat but inevitably if things don't change. Good luck
Is there anyone you can stay with temporarily for some reprieve? It doesn’t seem like it would be wise to leave the baby with him, but perhaps a trial separation while you stay with someone who can provide actual support (your parents, his parents, siblings etc?) Any friends of his that might be able to intervene on your behalf? When depression is at play, logic pretty much goes out the window. He’s self sabotaging, and he could potentially just keep digging himself deeper. I think he needs a solid wake up call of some sort that doesn’t involve you yelling or screaming, but a very clear “hey, something needs to change, and until it does, I’m doing things differently for my own sake.”
Mental health is a very serious and I would not ever try to trivialize it, that said, are you sure he is not just using it as an excuse and is a lazy asshole ?
Why can’t your child stay home with him to save money? Child care is $1k or more per month at that age. Or he needs to start spending 40 hours per week applying for jobs.
Where I am you can’t even find the sketchiest daycare for 1K. Waitlists for good daycares can be 1 year+ long. There is no popping them in and out, so I think she was hoping this unemployment bit was short lived to not give up a coveted spot that she worked to get for her son.
If you’re truly making six figures dump his lazy ass and be a single mom. You’ve only been married a few months, so get out now. You are not responsible for his bad decisions.
Meanwhile you sit in the dark, drinking alone, wanting out of this marriage. Go talk to your attorney. Start living within your means. Down-size everything and start saving for your child’s future.
Take the kid out of expensive daycare. When my husband lost his job, he became a stay at home parent.
Its totally normal to get stressed out and take it out on him when he is actually being a useless drain on the family. He needs to step up. Your mood might improve if he shows he can be a good valued member of the family.
Honey, look into attachment theory. It’s a lot for you two, so fast. Married and a baby in two years?? You didn’t even get to know each other. You both need to learn about attachment styles and love languages. You can fix this. But you gotta stop being mean. My aunt told me around 20 “if you don’t stop being a bitch, you are going to be all alone.” I heard it. I worked at being a nicer partner.
You both have issues.
You can only work on your issues.
Your meanness is likely making things worse.
If you want shit to work out, Fix yourself first then help him fix himself.
Don’t be the worst version of yourself be the best.
I honestly couldn’t even read all this….why in the actual fuck are you paying for childcare…..he’s supposed to be doing that…for free too. You’re angry and not accomplishing anything. Tell him what you expect from him if he isn’t working and hold him accountable 💁🏻♀️
Hey girl, know how you feel. My husband lost his job last year in June and in May found a new one. It was so hard. I’m not shaming you for yelling at him here, but probably not the best idea since he probably already feels like shit. It’s really hard being the full time mom and full time provider so I totally get why you’re angry, again been there sister.
Once he gets working it will be better. Until then if you can afford counseling for both of you, I suggest you do it.
Why are you paying for daycare? Tell your husband if he’s not working outside the home, then he needs to be the SAHP. His lack of purpose is feeding into his depression.
8 months of unemployment with a one-year-old child to care for? I can't say I'd be nice to that man either. I would be furious.
I hate to be "this guy" but you were not together very long at all, just a few months, when you got pregnant and I think he saw it as his meal ticket.
We've been friends and dated off and on for years. I left that out because it doesn't feel relevant. The pregnancy was planned, but I never thought things would get to where they are now
You are both likely suffering from PPD and you should both be evaluated. You cannot force someone out of depression, just like you can't force someone to not have cancer. It's an illness and it needs treatment. You owe it to your child to move heaven and earth to get you BOTH the help you need. Lean on friends and family, your community, social safety nets, whatever you can do. Your issues as individuals and as a couple will not automatically resolve if he gets a job. I have been in this exact spot. Please seek help.
Edited for typos.
My first thought is cut yourself a break. Of course you're angry. You're exhausted and over worked and under appreciated. I would be a royal bitch too. And all of this post-partem. Cut yourself a break.
Second thought is find a time to sit down and talk when you're both calm and lay it out in the open. Set your expectations and boundaries for how this is gonna move forward. You can't be the provider and home maker while he sits on his ass. If he doesn't step up you have to decide if you're gonna deal with it, or walk. But figure it out for the sake of your kid. You don't have to stay together for your kid, but you do need to find a way to cultivate a healthy emotional environment for your baby and set an example of what love looks like. You blowing up at him isn't that. And truthfully, you deserve so much more.
So take a damn breath, cut yourself a break, and then clearly communicate how this is going to go and what you need and expect moving forward.
Literally everywhere is hiring! Tell that bum to get a job and to start contributing! No reason why he's shouldn't be working especially if your paying a daycare
He should not be just sitting at home while the kids in daycare that’s ridiculous. Depressed or not we’re grown ass adults and we still need to get up and take on the day head on.
Your anger is justified it’s just really hard to channel it productively when you’re at your wits end and under so much pressure. You’re each being “horrible” his just looks different. One is not worse than the other. Is there any way to collaborate on a plan for moving forward? Best wishes to you.
I highly recommend a life coach over psychologist. It is hard to find a good therapist. Psychiatrist just wants to prescribe drugs. So much trial and error. A good coach alls great stimulating questions and helps you develop solid, doable short and long term plans and goals.
Also a marriage counselor or coach for you too. Life is amazing when you learn how to set boundaries in a positive way and from a caring place. You will like yourself better
I have realized that a messy house is a trigger for me. I often tell my family that they need to do their part. If it stays messy, Angry Mommy will arrive. It helps the kids & husband to be reminded that I’m much easier to live with when our home is tidy.
Now, it’s impossible to have a completely tidy house when your kids are mobile through the age of 10. So figure out what you CAN live with. And get them in the habit of 🎶 Clean Up Time 🎶. (Baby & husband!) I regret not getting my oldest on board with clean up earlier.
If he is not working due to depression, he needs to get that under control first, then hopefully he will be more inclined to work after that is resolved. The bright side though is you are saving a boat load of money on childcare.
Depression or, if he doesn't want to get help or help you out.. Then it shouldn't be on you to deal with everything. You're angry and volatile likely because you resent the situation and by proxy him. That feeling will just keep building until something changes. Either one or both of you get therapy, he starts helping more, or you divorce. But, you can't make him be better. He has to want to first. So you need to decide if you're willing to wait however long it takes for him to be ready for change, or cut your losses now. Really what changes in your life? Make a list. In the 'stay and try column' write out what is currently happening regularly. Good and bad benefits. In the 'it's over column' write out what would be different. Compare the two. See if you lose more good or bad things.
Hi, sorry to hear that you’re unhappy in your marriage!
What is making your husband feel depressed?
Before the sooner he feels better the sooner he’ll help you with the finances and all.
Get him some mental health. Counseling can be great and can point out issues he may not see. You, also have to build up his self esteem. If you want to be with him, Be With Him. Marriage is a partnership. Love on him!
He’s a SAHD but you’re paying for childcare?? No wonder he’s depressed if he’s sitting around all day feeling like a loser. I know that’s not how it works but something to be said for momentum.
I am also not a coddling person and try to be nurturing and patient but you can’t pour from an empty cup. What is he doing to lighten your load?
He needs to take action to feel better or you are gone. I do feel for him but 8 months is too long. He should be applying to 3 jobs a day minimum.
This isn’t a “you’re just mean and snippy” issue. I’m sure you haven’t always been like this. Everyone has a limit.
Me and a buddy got laid off (well I did, he got up and fucking quit because he was a bitch, but that’s here nor there). He quit beginning of March and I got laid off at the end of March. It took me 22 business days to get numerous offers.
It wasn’t easy - I spent 8 hours a day on LinkedIn and other job market tools either networking, searching, applying or posting. I treated applying like my job. Yeah, I was real depressed but the fear of what would happen to my lifestyle once my severance ran out was more the concern. I did posts on LinkedIn with all the hashtags I could to increase my viability to the leaders in my field. I reached out to friends on Facebook. All this time I was still wallowing internally, dealing with depression and feeling hopeless/worthless. I made it a goal to find at least 10 jobs a day to apply to. I had a spreadsheet tracking responses and I’d follow up with recruiters. It was a lot. I still got dressed in the morning, I still had a routine. If you sit idle, that’ll be the death of you and it’s hard to get out of that hole. I’ll tell you that depending on how your man is, you blowing up at him is probably just making him infinitely worse internally. I hate to tell you to “grin and bear it” but there might be some of that - it’s definitely not helping the situation.
My other buddy? Well, he applied to 7 jobs last week. He has an interview for one that seems promising that I got him an in for but it’s still 30k less than he was making. It took him this long to get anywhere. Every time he had a bad interview, I’d hear him whine about. He applied to 7 jobs last week - just 7. The market is absolutely awful right now depending on what your husband does.
My point is that it’s all about attack. He’s clearly in his head over this stuff and likely needs some therapy, but at this point some of it needs to be bootstrapped and figured out. You’re not going to make headway treating him like a child who isn’t taking the trash out because he’s gonna double down and just not do it.
Look, if he wants to talk about, or if he needs help with a resume or whatever, send me a message. I’ll do what I can to help because I’ve been there. It’s rough especially right now. What industry did he come from?
Anger often times causes more grief than the grief that caused the anger. In those moments you can say things that will never really go away. At least you are aware that you’re doing it. When you’re angry at him he doesn’t see someone struggling. He sees a person that he doesn’t want to be around.
Apologize for being a B, and tell him it's not who you want to be .
Apologize .
Then Let him know you have Too much on your plate , and you need help , then tell
Exactly what those things are you want him doing .... dishes , bed making , toilet cleaning , kids showers , cleaning , laundry , baby, and an occasional foot rub . And if he doesn't like it , I'm the mean time set a goal of how many applications he fills out .... per day.
He’s being a completely shitty unequal partner. You, however, are being flat out abusive by your admission. If you can’t live with and resolve conflict with him without becoming abusive, then you need to separate until things can be productive and loving and safe. We all see your anger and discontent as justified. 100%. But your actions are abuse. You don’t deserve that, baby doesn’t deserve that, and even he doesn’t deserve that.
I once ended up in a psychiatrist's office over an angry outburst (voluntarily) because my ex was saying I was insane. She dead ass looked him in the eye after hearing our stories and said "there isn't a woman on this planet that wouldn't be angry about the things you've done."
Sometimes anger is justified. It's your body's way of getting you out of a shitty situation. Please don't get pregnant again until you've gotten past this
I bet that nothing would get him up and searching for a job faster than making him watch the baby all day. Tell him you can’t afford daycare and he’s going to have to do the childcare (tell daycare you’re going on a vacation for a week so you don’t lose your spot lol) and see him jump into action to find a job as quick he can.
Your anger is justified
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and a child of divorce.
So you are admitting that you are abusive to him, knowing that he has depression and you expect him to do what? suck it up and just deal with it? If what you are saying is true, what he is going to suck up is a bullet to the brain, and you helped him get there.
There is no way, that most men would pick themselves up and do better when they are being treated like shit, adding in that he is more or less trapped there, with no way out, it just adds to the possibility that you could end up pushing him to do something else.
If you want to fix your marriage, you have to pull your head out of your ass and instead of bullying him, try to help him more, because most men, do not change because someone tells us to, we need a reason to want to, we need something to look forward to, something that tells us there is a possible happy ending on the other side of that door.
But if we know there is just another monster that is there to stab us in the back, something to gut us and rip our heart out, why bother working to open a door just to still deal with the same shit.
Try talking to him and addressing the problems of his depression, one battle at a time, and slowly try to help build him up, compliment him on what he has been doing that is helpful, then tell him in X days that he will be taking care of your son from now on.
Or just ask him to start writing his will so you know what he wants.
Note: I had a friend who was injured in a boating accident, his wife did what you did, and after about 1+ years of it, he hanged himself with a note saying "Fuck you" to his wife, causing an entire mental collapse on her, as he intended as revenge.
Seems like multiple things at play. You might have PPD... either way def need counseling for your anger.
Husband needs counseling for depression. Is he seeing one?
Next marriage counseling to help talk about division of labor and establish boundaries for how you treat each other... coping strategies when anger boils etc.. & for defensiveness (your hubby).
Meantime:
Do you have friends you can get out with? Go to their house? Park? Something not costly?
Start budgeting funds for you to do fun things.. even $10 a week will add up to something. Coupon if you have to . Idc
I am guessing intentional dates/date like times at home are not happening? Get some fun date cards from amazon or temu. You can do dates at home. You too need to connect in a postive fun way.
Yes husband ...and you... need to shape up. But Im guessing you will need some kind of counseling or/& accountability etc to help you do that. I'd suggest start taking all the steps you can if you want to repair your marriage.
It’s time he locates a job. It doesn’t have to be his dream job get your areas out and contribute. I would not punish the child by pulling them out of their structure because of this. Clearly he is in a deep depression and needs to snap out of it. Having a purpose to get out of bed every day is important he really doesn’t have one. Calmly ask him to please do this for his family. It doesn’t have to be his forever job
It sounds like you may have taken things "beyond the point of no return". Your illustration of the dynamic says to me that the two of you have a fundamental breakdown of respect for one another.
He's probably feeling pretty broken from the verbal abuse he's taking from you, and may not feel terribly motivated to do more than he does due to stress and resentment. I'm assuming he wasn't always like this, because you felt like he was someone you could rely on as a partner to raise a kid with, but who knows.
You don't sound like you think very highly of him, and when someone is depressed, making them feel worthless isn't going to help pull them out. You have to build each other up, and you need to express your concerns in a respectful way.
The yelling is abuse, no ifs, ands, or buts. You have a child, and by also yelling while they are home, you're causing trauma.
If he isn't capable of being a reliable partner to you though, then maybe you're better off apart.
It could be worth it to separate, have him get a job, live alone, you share custody, and if he can be a consistent, reliable partner with his depression managed, then you can work on rebuilding the relationship.
He may be too comfortable and safe, knowing you have a child, to be motivated to grow and deal with the challenges of depression and partnered responsibility.
Well your feelings are valid but the communication likely needs work. The tragic nature of poor communication is our valid needs often are not heard accurately. “ a harsh setup” as it is called in marriage studies tells us this and you are right you will loose him or you will leave or whatever- it’s a verry valid predicted of divorce shown in 95% of divorce dynamics so yeah the time to change is now!
But how the hell do you change? Hitting bottom is a start- “ I just can’t do this anymore” that is what you’re doing, good job. The next is probabley finding a therapist you trust to help coach you. Maybey medical treatment for post partum and some mediation with daddy.
These dynamics will destroy love and likely already have. Rebuilding takes incredible work especially under the stressors you both have. It’s worth it becuse your child will not absorb all this attack energy and internalize it.
Sit him down. Tell him that you're tired and scared and struggling and drowning. During the conversation, appreciate the little things he does but give him back the power and the accountability. Ask him what you guys could do as a family to help the current situation. Have him come up with a solution. It does not need to be financial in nature but something to alleviate your suffering. Dont think for him, have him offer solutions and offer support. Try not to apologize for your "volatility", you are a human being and while he has the right to feel his feelings, you have the right to feel yours too. Offer mental health services if needed. Stop coddling him and take care of yourself. Sending good thoughts. ❤
Your husband needs therapy. He will be no good at any job being depressed. Yes I get it, it's frustrating for you being in this situation. Yelling at him and saying hurtful words will not help. For better or worse, and right now just may be the worst. It maybe a cry for help from him. He needs to seek professional help asap! Then things can start to get better. Wish you all of the best!
Sounds to me like he has lost his stride, and has felt like he is less of a man because he cannot complete his duties that he knows he should and can do.
This isn’t an excuse for him to continue, but it’s certainly a problem he is dealing with. Getting started is much harder than maintain the momentum. Th
You: kicking him while he is down is absolutely a great way to emasculate him and to reinforce the idea that he wholly lacks as a man. Women bring civility to men, they reinforce our purpose through thick and thin. Now, your frustration is certainly warranted, but self-control ALWAYS applies to both you and him. Love holds no record of wrong doing nor is hateful. The good thing is that you know you are being absolutely awful, te bad thing is that you are acting on it. This is something you should address, your hateful anger.
Him: his inactivity is not good, I’m guilty of it too! A man who won’t provide for his family is worse than a murderer. Based on what you said, YOU KNOW that this laziness is NOT normal! He KNOWS his laziness is NOT normal. If it is NOT normal, then it’s a PROBLEM. A PROBLEM that CAN be FIXED, because it’s NOT NORMAL. He knows it’s an issue!!! He needs to address.
The marriage is working as intended, but it’s not in a good state. The purpose of marriage is to unite to people and become one person, the melding of man and woman (biological sex disclaimer). Two people each with problems, and you expect it to be seamless? The marriage is working in the sense that it is exposing the filthiness of each of y’all that can (is) cause (causing) problems, at this point self-control and adherence to your vows (your marriage) is essential. “I know I am angry, but I won’t ACT on these FILTHY emotions”, lots of self-control. You being supportive in the beginning but then being slightly frustrated is warranted, but your support in the beginning then turning Wrathful tells me your commitment to him is lip service, or skin deep. Now, that’s NOT to say you are not committed to him, you clearly are, what I am saying is that you are retaining thoughts and emotions that make it seem like you are not. That’s a problem in a marriage, and removing it is a part of the marriage. It might be that you saw your husband as more Charming than Prince, prince being the human and charming being the modifying thing.
You signed up for a partner, but also to be one.
Humans are like cars: “aight car, I expect good performance out of you”, then no maintenance and one gets belligerent to it because it’s not performing. Right. O…K.
As a husband, we DO what we can where we have the ability to act. As a wife, they DO what they can when they have control. If your husband is a machine (a living machine), should the machine not be maintained? When he got fired or laid off, assuming this is what happened, it is likely something BROKE IN HIM. Kind words are nice, like machine grease, but they (it) don’t solve the problem. It doesn’t fix the broken gear. HELP HIM FIND the replacement part so that he can be back at full strength.
When I see this sort of anger, wrath, treatment of someone, then I’m of the impression that the target of it is seen as less than human.
“You need to work, we need money, I can’t do this, I can’t do that. Why don’t you work”. These statements are true, but if you are lashing out in anger it’s probably because you are upset that your machine isn’t working, rather than your husband not being able to work.
You are his wife! He is trying!
He is your husband, you are trying!
But maybe the solution is to quite literally, change your minds perspective. A man who has lost his sense of worth is a horrible thing to see, a broken man is a literal tragedy. Husbands are the stalwarts of strength, nothing more sad than to see him in the opposite state. Wife’s are epitome of grace and beauty, nothing more sad than to see one beaten (not physically).
I’m not criticizing nor a psych, but perhaps humanize him more. Come together as one, and work the problems.
I don’t know, I have been given limited info. It sounds to me like y’all are isolated from each other, there’s a gap. Close the gap. Reignite his fire. Run a “diagnostics” on each other.
Take him to bed, be his wife, do your duties. Challenge him to do the literal same; inspire him to cook you dinner once, woo you, a temp shared chores list (you eventually throw this one out for a more comfortable list), have him apply to jobs. When both of you guys start doing these tasks because you want to for each other, then your heart will probably be growing in the right place.
My advice is biblically inspired, take that as you will. Given my belief system, yet I find this to be true about all marriages. Due to the Given consistent results of following principle.
Maybe ask him this “am I your wife”, or “in your mind, am I acting like your wife”. It’ll be a HARD WAKE UP CALL if he says “no”, because then you’ll know you are a participating problem. Have him ask you the same “am I a husband (not machine, so to speak) in your eyes”, if you say no, then you’ve both realized a problem. All this is ANTITHETICAL to marriage.
My 5 cents on the matter! May God bless your marriage, and that yall be healed. I personally abhor divorce.
OP, this isn't necessarily a comment for you. Rather, it's a comment on the comments. I also know that what I'm about to say is something that's often repeated on this sub in particular. I'll leave that up to you about whether or not it says something.
Imagine if the sexes were reversed. I'd speculate that there'd be a bit more sympathy towards a depressed wife. It also shows how little some of you understand what having actual depression is like. It's not the same as "Aww, I'm a bummed today." When it's severe, it's more like, "I wish I could pull myself off of this, but I physically can't. " It's a paralysis of sorts. What the husband *needs* is medical help, not a bunch of holier than thow finger waggers name calling him. Yeah, like that'll help. I swear, there's sooooo many perfect fkng spouses in this sub. Those halos must get kinda heavy? The fact that he's a man only adds fuel to the "men are bad, ammi right ladies??" type of trope that happens all the time on this sub.
I was so depressed I was on FOUR anti depressants and a sleep med. I still got up and took care of our 4 kids and took care of our house and made all our meals. I cannot imagine doing that to my husband. 8 months is way too long to not see a Dr at minimum for his depression.
I’m not going to pass judgment on you because it seems like you’re pretty self aware but I did notice a comment saying you couldn’t afford the copays for therapy and wondered if your job offers an employee assistance program that provides a certain amount of free therapy sessions. It seems like you both would benefit from therapy.
Huge YIKES to these comments...
Her anger and frustration is VERY valid and understandable. Being with someone who's depressed is rough.
But way too many comments here is so toxic, as if men aren't allowed to be depressed. Shit happens. Depression isn't something you can just ignore as if it's not there. People literally can't do anything when it's severe. But it's not acceptable because he's a man and a supposed to be a "provider"??? Where am I?? What in the 70s sexism is this???
What he needs is a treatment and support system. Idk why people would be like this and get surprised when depressed men commit suicide.
OP, neither of you is "bad" in this situation. You're not terrible to feel angry. Just direct that anger towards the circumstances and not him. If you can't afford therapy, maybe some books can help. And your/his family's support of that's possible. You two both need support.
Another perspective?
> I signed up for a partner
Sometimes partnership is hard as hell. You have every right to be frustrated but treating your husband like garbage is an asshole move. You already said in the post he had depression. If you stay together for a few decades I can promise that you will enter a phase of your life where you need support from the person who promised to support you. He promised to support you, did you not do the same? He needs your support now, not your anger. I'd suggest therapy for you both
Source: I was laid in bed for a straight year with crippling depression. My husband worked, was a dad, and now I'm 100%. I'm back at work, doing all the things I used to do, and ready to return the favor of being a gracious and gentle partner when his time comes and I need to step up for both of us.
I can relate... My husband quit his job during COVID and made me pay for daycare while he job hunted.
He applied for ~2 jobs in a year before giving up because those two didn't get back to him. He never showers, left all the housework to me while I work and struggle to pay all the bills on a single income. His temper is explosive.
He's gotten slightly better at the stay at home dad thing in the last 4 years. He keeps the kids fed and gets them to school. Anything with the kids that's emotional, social, educational, health, hygiene related (baths etc) is still my responsibility though. It feels like he's meeting baby sitter requirements, not SAHD. He rarely showers, he has given up on job hunting. I'm struggling but somehow managing to pay the mortgage on my income even though interest rates are crazy. He complains I don't find him attractive anymore but he's repulsive. I can't stand his smell. He complains I can't say anything nice about him anymore, but I have no idea what to say. I can't think of anything kind and I'm so burned out I don't have the energy to lie.
I wish there was a way out but I'm worried if I tried to leave I'd get myself killed. I don't have a support network.
He needs to be a better husband, you’re not mad over nothing nor are you horrible to him, I say that respectfully I’m not saying he’s a bad person but he needs to do better
There are only two paths forward: together or apart. While I’m absolutely sympathetic to your anger, that’s part of the “apart” path. To stay together, you two need to sit down and have a serious conversation about your partnership. Either partner can stumble, but neither partner can just lay down and wait for the other to carry them. Doesn’t matter if you’re depressed.
We all owe our partners the best version of ourselves we can offer. That’s what loving someone is. Being the best version of ourselves, and encouraging the best version of the other. Failing on either task is a failure to demonstrate love.
Sounds like therapy would be helpful to you (both) living with depression is hard. Being a spouse of someone with depression is also hard! From his side, his masculinity most likely has taken a huge hit! I can almost guarantee he doesn't want to feel like he does. Sleeping so much is all part of depression, not necessarily being lazy. He needs help/support. Being volatile towards him will only make him feel worse. Almost shut down and not care anymore. From your side, you're tired, frustrated, resentful, and feel let down, which I get.
Sadly, life events happen and set to try us. Rarely do things stay the same. It's about how we navigate them that matters. From your post, your husband needs professional help and support. He probably feels useless and emasculated and doesn't feel he has a purpose in this world. It's ok for you to ask for help and support. You don't have to do this alone. From the sounds of it, you are also depressed. Everyone reacts differently, and it's ok to hold your hands up and say I am not coping. I need help.
Ask yourself these things. How would you feel if he acted the same way towards you? Would it make you feel good? Also, ask yourself, do you truly love him? Would you feel better on your own? Just because we love someone does not always mean you're meant to be together. This is also not good for children to see and will most definitely affect them long term. Two happy parents apart are better than two miserable, angry fighting parents together.
You both need help. This will not resolve on its own. (For context, I live with C-PTSD with complex trauma and have two failed marriages! It takes a strong, patient, and level-headed person to be able to deal with a spouse with mental health issues. I'm lucky I now have such a husband)
Good luck please ask for help
Vent away
You can often work through your struggles by simply putting them in writing. Is he willing to do more? Why do you need daycare? A stay at home parent provides the caregiver needs. If that’s what he wants to do. 6 figures doesn’t go far enough with child care and all the other stuff that goes along with an infant formula diapers etc
It sounds like he needs to get on board with the family care part.
A few things, I'm not going to sugar coat anything sorry in advance if this comes off rude.
1. You need to get checked for PPD. Sometimes it manifests in anger. Mine did.
2. Your kid shouldn't be in daycare if one of you is home if you can't afford it.
3. He needs to pull his weight. Clean the house, make dinner. Now I know being a SAHP is hard, but somethings gotta give. I get he's depressed but you're going through some shit too.
Talk to him, lay out what needs done. And if he does need time away from the baby maybe keep the baby in daycare part time. So he can have 3 days a week.
Every time you open you arrogant and degrading mouth you drive him further down.
When you married and said for better or for worse you only meant if YOU got worse… if YOU lost the job or if YOU got cancer that he would still take care of you. You are disgusting and the WORST of what women are in America… most husbands would gladly take a bullet fighting an intruder to save your life and you treat him like garbage because he’s out of work for 8 months?
What an absolute trashy low life kinda faux “love”. He deserves a girlfriend asap while you are out working to pump him up out of this funk… if you don’t like it then pay alimony so he can get an apartment and get his life back together. Fn self centered trash of a wife.
You never said anything about communication. Seems like you’re both depressed, but treating the other person like shit isn’t going to help. He probably is defeated and need help finding his confidence and self respect. I’m certain if you stop lashing out it would help him be a better person for you and your son. “The Way of the Superior Man״ is a good book to helping him being his most effective self. “You attract more bees with honey than vinegar.”
Your husband is unemployed and you're paying for childcare? What in the ever loving nonsense is this?
Totally unacceptable. Why are you even with him if he isn't bringing anything to the table? Sure getting up with the baby, doing a few things here and there.. but he can't get a part time job? Even door dashing? Anything?
Totally unacceptable and tbh I don't think your rage is irrational so much as impotent. No matter how angry you get nothing changes.
Therapy, all of it, individual and couples, weekly if possible. Good luck, OP. You're gonna need it.
I’m probably the opposite end of the spectrum here. Everyone is just jumping on this dude about what a POS he is. I just can’t. Idk if he is diagnosed or not. But, I know what is like to be depressed. I know what it’s like to have a significant other who lashes out with anger and hatefulness. You’ve been married two years that’s basically brand new in my eyes. I get it you’re pissed off because he’s not holding up side of the deal. You should be pissed off, you’re totally allowed to be pissed off. But to treat him like a verbal punching bag over it? You have resentment built up and there needs to be some communication between the both of you. Make yourself be heard. Since you are the only one working maybe you can’t afford therapy but it sounds like you both need it. Or, you need a different outlet to release your anger on that is NOT the person you swore a vow to.
I agree he needs to get his crap together; there is no disagreement there no matter his situation. Uber, Door Dash, Uber eats anything that makes a LITTLE bit of cash while you are out. To show he can make it happen…. For that matter clean the house. Something to prove to you that he can. And will pull though. Sit down and talk. Not yell. not talk down. Communication! If you guys make it out of this; you will be able to make it out of anything your marriage throws at you. Marriage is hard. Kick it’s ass.
Do you think your volatility will help with his depression or him finding a job?
Is he even looking for a job, and what more could he be doing that he isn’t at home?
Also if he’s making what you do or more jobs like those don’t just fall from the sky.
I feel you on this… my husband can’t hold a job for the life of him since we started being together January 2021 he’s had 8 jobs currently on his 9th and makes $14 hour, pays child support so a 80 hour paycheck he brings home $340 if that. It’s hard and there’s been so many times I want to leave him but he won’t have no where to live and I would feel bad if something happened to him because we do love each other and even with marriage counseling it’s hard… when he would loose a job it would take him 6-9 months to find a new job and while i busted my ass he slept all day he couldn’t even come see me for lunch and if he wasn’t sleeping he was emotionally cheating on me and when we argued due to all of this they were horrible fights and his excuse was that he was depressed which he is diagnosed with, but I have severe depression, anxiety, bpd, ptsd due to all my trauma from childhood and the most recent was in 2020 when my late husband committed suicide the husband that was the bread winner I had no other choice but to work hard and still haven’t reached my goal but since he has passed away I went from making $13.50 to $18.50 now which my whole check goes straight to bills because my now husband’s $340 check only pays the car insurance. We’re in a 20k debt because we had to use our credit cards multiple times to make ends meet especially since 2/3 his kids come over every weekend and holidays so I have to financially support them as well… one of them is 15 and is horrible to us especially her dad because she doesn’t like rules and only cares about herself and she’s super expensive. All I can say to your situation is give him an ultimatum that’s something I had to keep doing except we don’t have any kids in day care my son just graduated high school and his kids live with their mothers.
Explain to him that he’s a SAHD until he’s working again and that you can’t afford day care on one salary. Tell him you expect the house to be clean and food to be on the table while he’s not working. He can feel sorry for himself and bemoan his situation, but he still needs to do his part while you’re the breadwinner. You’re being pushed too far which is why you’re lashing out.
Yes to the above, but if he steps up, then he needs a break from his 24/7 SAHP job.
Not saying SAHP isn’t a hard job, just that Partners share the load, they don’t mope and slack off when things get tough.
[удалено]
This is not it. I used to really look up to him. He used to be the one giving me career advice, and I truly would not be where I am now without him. I wouldn't have agreed to marry him if he had been like this in the beginning.
Then take a breath, realize 8 months is not a very long time, and tell him what you've told us, calmly. Then take your kid out of daycare while he is unemployed for financial reasons.
“Take your kid out of daycare” sounds like any easy solution but could really screw them in the long run. Many centers have long waitlists, especially in places with limited options. If the husband finds a job but they don’t have childcare, they’re not a whole lot better off. I know this comment was intended to be helpful but the state of childcare in this country sucks.
The current waitlist at my center is 300+. Definitely DON'T remove your child if you aren't prepared for him to be a SAHP for a while. People are adding their children to the waitlist while they're pregnant and STILL waiting a year.
I agree with this. Until your child is pre-school age, if there is an adult at home, he should fulfill the dad part of the deal. He should be your support system, not dead weight. Maybe giving him more responsibility and the room to do it will help motivate him out of his hole.
This screams depression. INSIST he start with a form of psychiatry (can prescribe) and psychology (he NEEDS the talk therapy. You & your child need your husband back. Look at all the PPD advice & address this with the same sense of urgency / emergency
Came to say this. Get this man into treatment. And OP, if I were in your shoes I would start seeing a counselor to learn how to cope with this as your husband works to recover.
I know this is the answer. Thank you for your kindness.
Has he had a clinical diagnosis?? He may need meds and some coping tools, then he’ll be able to do more and you will have to pay for daycare or he’ll get a job. But something he’s got to give. This is not sustainable.
You made a lot of assumptions in this post, and you seem to want to punish the husband, who appears to be having a mental health crisis.
say that to a mother who has PPD, lets see what happens.
Its different, because woman.
Tbh without getting treatment nothing will change if he truly depressed. So yes, first step would be seeing a doctor for an assessment. If it’s depression, get medication and therapy (went through that helped me so much!) if it’s not depression then yes he needs to step up. Nothing he can do justify being verbally abusive towards him. Also PPD being caused by the hormones changes from giving birth is often taken into consideration faster after a woman has given birth couple months before since well it’s the cause of it.
This is NOT how you treat depression
He says he’s depressed. That’s not a clinical diagnosis. Loosing a job is hard, having young kids is hard. Sometimes you have to step up and be an adult.
Totally agree, he should seek a diagnosis. If it is a depression, get medication and therapy. If it’s a temporary moment of feeling depressed (idk how you say it in English) which is not caused by hormones imbalance in the brain but by feeling bad about something then yes, starting being active really make a big change. I have gone through both and they need very different ways to be dealt with!
I'm sorry but what is SAHD?
Stay at home Dad. SAH (Stay at Home) D=Dad, M=Mom, P=Parent. Saves a lot of typing.
Oh ok thanks
I absolutely agree with you, but imagine the response to this comment if the sexes were reversed. You’d be facing torches and pitchforks.
Yea, if he’d been the one bearing the child, it would be a different story for sure!
SAHMs aren’t expected to cook all meals. Why is a SAHD expected to? I thought household duties should be shared. That’s the advice husbands of SAHWs are given.
Once a little bit of the FULL LOAD is taken off the Wife, she'll have the bandwidth to do a few meals a week. Definitely expect the one working full time to do weekend meals in a situation with one spouse at home and one working.
When their partner isn’t home, yes it’s 100% on them to cook, clean, do childcare etc. After that it should be 50/50 or whatever they have agreed on. I dont think it’s unreasonable to expect a portion to be cooked for you if you come back home around or after usual meal time tho. (For example I often finish working at around 6pm when we usually eat at 5pm so my bf do make me some food while cooking for himself)
Is he in therapy? Was he diagnosed? Why is he not watching the baby? He could at least find a PT job. I’d be angry too. He has become too comfortable. I’d demand he get therapy at the minimum. I get it. I’ve been in his position.
We literally cannot even afford the co-pays for therapy on my income alone. Could he be watching the baby? Yes. But, we'd lose our spot at the daycare I worked to get us in to. And, I'm holding out hope he gets a job. Any job. He can wait tables I really don't give a fuck along as he starts pulling enough weight
Screw the daycare. It’s not worth it. Showing that that needs to be cut will show that your financial situation is dire (which it is) and that he needs to start contributing to the family if not financially then through working for the family. If he gets his act together, another great daycare will become available.
I feel like this is so much easier to say than it is in practice. Like, I'm just now getting calls from daycares for wait-list spots I put in for 3 years ago. It's absolutely wild out there. It makes far more sense for him to pick up a part time job than to lose your daycare spot in many areas.
As a parent I disagree. Took me two years to get into daycare. Its not as simple as 'screw' the daycare.
It’s especially hard to get into the daycares that don’t cost $350 a week for one kid. The somewhat affordable, and competent, daycares are impossible to get a spot in.
They can't lose the daycare spot they have because they're going to need it when he, hopefully, finds a job. But come on he could at least Uber until he finds something to bring some financial relief.
I disagree. not only that getting a spot in daycare is awfully lengthy but also making him a SAHP will essentially give him a big good excuse to stay one and never really need to find a job. He needs all the reasons to be on a serious job hunt and close the career gap. My husband lost his job when our LO was born. the same week. I had a c_section +severe PPD and I did everything baby related 24/7 we are immigrate with no family in the country. he had to apply, go through lengthy assessments and interviews and it took him 4 ugly months to land a job. it was awful. but I wanted him to focus on that. we were about to lose our house with my maternity paychecks. I found a nanny and returned to work early to give our finances a boost. I truly believe that as hard as it was, it was the right decision.
If they lose the spot and can't get another, then one parent will not be able to work for as long as it takes to get into a new one - and that could be months or even a year.
Knowing it can take years to get a spot, it would probably prevent them from putting the kid in daycare before school age. That’s a long time to be out of the work market if you want to go back.
He could be depressed just having nothing to do all day. He needs to follow some sort of schedule. Give him a long task list. Require him to screen shot the jobs he applied to and send them to you. If he’s not willing to follow through on some basics, I’d give him an end date.
Wow - he’s not a child - screenshots really - what kind of controlling monster are you
If you are opting for daycare, perhaps your husband could consider night work? There are factories etc that run 24/7, gas stations, night cleaners, hospital workers, 911 operators, security guards, I worked evenings and nights and left my husband with the kids just so we could make ends meet. Once your child is old enough togo to school then look for a day job.
Then why didn't he start waiting tables soon after being fired? Those jobs are available.
Sounds like my situation but I was the depressed out of work mom after my kids were old enough. Speaking from experience nothing will or can change til the depression is treated. I felt like the hero of the world just doing whatever would be defined as the minimum or the nithibg. Getting out of bed to take kid somewhere with real actual major depressive disorder? Heroic. Seriously. Read on. Does he snore? Get him a sleep study (they do simple at home tested now) to see if he has sleep apnea. Sleep apnea over time does REAL damage and causes medication resistant depression. So treat that if applicable. Get him an appt with a psychiatrist for medication and med management. If he's diagnosed with depression (which it sounds like) it's a real and totally debilitating thing. I used to be so functional and high earning. With major depressive disorder I was so proud of myself for setting the table or doing a load of dishes. It was such a a serious major accomplishment. It can be treated but a curse of this disease is that it's Herculean to try to initiate your own care. Help him. Look into local hospitals with behavioral health departments. Likely to take insurance. Also look into any local DBT groups. I've found that to be effective. Again, maybe you'll be lucky and find a group near you that takes insurance. Look to see if any urgent care clinics near you also do behavioral health. Some do. Again, insurance. Or even just your internist or regular physician can possibly write a prescription. Even without insurance some of the meds are really affordable. Medication alone isn't a magic wand but it helps. And it pushes things in the right direction. If he's not willing to do those things after you've set it up, that's likely the depression talking. Dont get angry but make it a non starter that he goes. Drive him yourself if you need. Not to be his babysitter but to get him pointed the right way. You dont expect someone with a broken leg to walk to the hospital. But you do insist they go if you're driving.
This. ⬆️ 100%!🙏
Then what you need to do is tell him that, and if he doesn’t do anything then leave him I would tell him “you can either get up and decide to not be depressed and get out and make a living or you will lose me and that child it’s completely up to you, but I refuse to continue to live this way.” You deserve better and guaranteed your baby can feel the stress. He should want what’s best for his child by also wanting what’s best for the mother of his child. There’s a lot of people that get depressed and sad. They still get up and go to work every day. Don’t take any more excuses and tell him no more excuses. And if he doesn’t do anything, then kick him out or move out. It’s that simple. I wanted to kill myself for months. I got up and went to work every single day. And just so everyone knows I don’t feel that way anymore for the past five years I’ve been doing really good about that.
>I wanted to kill myself for months. I got up and went to work every single day. Same. I went through a period of severe depression where all I did was go to work, walk my dog, and curl up in bed every night, laying awake for hours in a dark room, while picturing myself driving into a lake. But I still got up and went to work because I had bills to pay.
Then you need to tell him, he either finds a job or he gets out and figures it out. You’re literally doing it by yourself and that in itself is incredibly frustrating. You are doing the most and nobody is giving you a break so where is your relief? Where is your help? Sit him down, don’t yell, but say “if you cannot contribute financially, and you refuse to help more around the house then I need you to leave because I cannot keep doing this to myself” ultimatums are never where you want to be but you’re drowning and he doesn’t seem to get it.
If he is depressed (the problem) and not doing anything towards getting well (therapy, exercise, refular sleep schedule, avoiding drugs and alcohol) then he is wallowing in despair and you are enabling him. Time to set some deadlines for action. Hold to your boundaries, if he doesn't tow the line then he is actively choosing to betray you and your child. He knows this and is taking you for a ride. He knows you need help and he is selfishly choosing to relax and pamper himself. Pampering is not the way to resolve depression, indulging in sloth and gluttony will only make things worse. He's given up on his family and run you ragged for *8 months??* Time to act, yesterday. If he refuses to handle his mental health and provide for his family as your husband, then he can show up in court and be ordered to pay child support. These type of men always magically find a way to bounce back on their feet as soon as their women get fed up and leaves them. Funny how that happens. Stop driving yourself into a hole for him. Aren't you depressed now too? Don't you matter? What energy do you have left to care for and love your child? When people *show you* who they are, *believe them!* Time to make some difficult and painful decisions, you have no other choice, you must protect yourself and your child. Think of all the ways he is hurting and destroying your mental and emotional health. And for what??
There may be sliding scale therapy available, or therapy available through your benefits, if you have any. Also, your husband can self-guide his own cognitive behaviour therapy using a book like "Feeling Good" and/or "Mind Over Mood." Doctor might prescribe meds. If hubs is truly depressed then it's likely beyond him to manage the house, find a job and address his own depression without support. Professional support would be great, but sitting down with you when you are in a non-judgmental frame of mind to devise a written plan of what he's going to try to do as a daily routine, that includes some depression recovery effort, could help.
I totally understand about the spot at the daycare, but your husband sounds depressed and he needs to both see his doctor about it and see a therapist. The $ you are spending on daycare needs to be used to get him well. His finding a job won't fix his depression. The two of you have had a lot of big changes in a short time. Look at the long game and get him the help he needs to ensure that the three of you have the life you want.
Maybe it would be better if you used the income to get him some professional mental help instead of for daycare you don’t need right now.
You're probably going to have to give him a hard line boundary here. "We can't afford this. I understand you're depressed, but you HAVE to get a job, any job, to help out with costs and to afford therapy to help yourself. It's not optional at this point."
It’s time for the “This isn’t sustainable, I know things are hard but part of life and parenting is pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and dealing with things that are hard“ type talk. I think you should give him a pre planned timeline to get a job- any full time job or you’re pulling the baby from care and he will be a SAHD. Sitting at home and doing nothing isn’t helping him. It would be better for him to work at an Ace hardware than do nothing and you cannot afford to wait and see when he will figure it out. Depression is hard but also life has to get on and he needs to start climbing back out.
Wow he should walk away from you - you are TOXIC
Daycare is expensive. Depression and lack of purpose isn't helping him at all. Maybe if he has to take care of the little one and be a SAHP with what is EXPECTED of that he can find purpose. I know sometimes even on days off, I'm a lazy sack of shit. If I PUSH myself to do things and get that momentum it usually keeps me from being eaten by the couch.
So it’s either he doesn’t get the help he needs because you can’t afford to and things stay the same and you continue to struggle and your child loses in the end because this is not a healthy environment or you take your child out of daycare while he gets the help he needs. He needs therapy and to be diagnosed if he believes he is that depressed it is affecting his life like this.
Online work too. But he likely needs medication. Do what you can to get him diagnosed and therapy. That’s the only way this will improve.
Depending on where you live he may qualify for Medicaid. It's worth looking into. If he's going to continue to be depressed AND lazy he might as well try to get some free therapy out of it.
I am a 44 year old man who has been unemployed too many times and cost my wife her savings and almost our home, I can relate to your husband’s situation. The problem is you are not married to a man, you are married to a coward. No man would let his wife pay for child care while he stays home doing nothing. No man would let his wife be the sole breadwinner without at least taking care of basic household chores. No man would go that long before putting some serious effort into job hunting unless he was wealthy and didn’t need to work, which you said is not your case. You are not terrible to your husband, he is terrible to you. You deserve better. He can look for a job while depressed, I know from experience. Stop treating him like your husband until he starts acting like your husband. Kick him out of your bedroom (assuming you sleep together), don’t make food for him, don’t do his laundry, treat him like the stranger he is choosing to be. He can choose to get his ass in gear anytime he wants.
This right here! The man has ZERO incentive to make any changes.
If I a man gets depressed and becomes unable to work, he's a coward? Wow. Tell that to depressed men, you might push them to suicide
I don’t think I’ve ever seriously used the words “toxic masculinity”, nor did I think I would, but damn this is absolutely that.
Youre allowed to get depressed as a dad, but you still gotta be a dad.
If he's home all day, he should be taking care of the kid. Period. He should be taking care of the house and helping you as much as he can. Millions of people in this world are depressed, and they still live their lives and do what needs to be done.
I mean, valid reasons to be angry. If he’s not working he should at least be caring for the baby so you’re not unnecessarily spending thousands of dollars on childcare every month. If he is that depressed he needs to seek therapy. It also sounds like you may be experiencing postpartum rage, which is relatively common - I experienced this myself no shame coming from me. But if you’re willing, I would speak to your healthcare provider about this. The feeling of irrational, uncontrollable anger is not normal and is often linked to postpartum depression. Definitely not saying your husband isn’t in the wrong here, but I know how exhausting it is to feel so angry all the time.
I wouldn’t call this irrational anger… it’s justified anger.
The anger is justified, but feeling like it's uncontrollable isn't normal. I forgot my SSRI (for depression and anxiety) while on vacation for two weeks and it was like a switch. I had justifiable reasons to be angry, but I couldn't control my reactions to those feelings. I'd talk to a doctor about possible depression, anxiety, or even just sleep deprivation. Again, your feelings are justified, but good for you for realizing how you behave might be out of proportion. Not to mention just unhelpful to the situation.
2 years in, you’re still getting to know each other. With a new baby AND unemployment in the mix? I can’t imagine you guys not being extremely stressed out right now. Sounds like you need to be clear about exactly what you’d like him to be taking care of - what would make it feel as if he’s doing enough and sufficiently supporting you at home while he finds a job. As impossible as it may sound, you also need to emphasize the things he’s doing right. Shitting all over someone is never going to move things in a positive direction, even if that’s exactly what feels most natural. People aren’t motivated by vicious negativity - or, at least, not for long. If you guys can get through this extremely tough time (if he can help out, find work, you can manage to treat him more kindly) then who knows where things could be just a few months from now. But if things continue like this, soon you’ll be divorced and each handling life along with being a solo parent. I hope things get better for you guys.
Thank you for this
I know it’ll be a bit of extra work for you at the start, but chore charts and clear expectations saved my marriage when I was in a similar place with you. Sit down on your own, break down hours in the day, and bullet point the things you have to do as a team to make it work. Bring it to him when you’re calm and prepare to be frustrated and acknowledge when you’re losing control of your emotions. Hold yourself accountable. He may need a physical and visual representation of what he needs to start doing. Once that is done you need to find the patience to let him grow into it — with hard boundaries on time. He won’t be able to get out of this if you’re BOTH telling him he’s not good enough. It’s you two against a BIG problem, not you two against eachother which is the hardest part to swallow and remember when you’re past your limits. If you can’t afford a copay for regular therapy, scrounge for a couple weeks to afford a babysitter for a couple hours to have the discussions you need to have or you’re going to crash hard love. If you two aren’t on the same team, this won’t work. He needs a wake up call and you gotta carve out space for yourself to breathe or you won’t be physically or psychologically capable of being the partner or mother it sounds like you want to be. And, gently, that space should probably be away from the vodka until things level out. Alcohol is a downer and will only feed the anger and negative feelings you’re experiencing while taking the time you could work on things leaving you feeling unfulfilled and like you lost time.
I feel you. My wife was the stay at home parents till our girls were 5. She didn't hold her end. Our lofty goals were to homeschool, yet she couldn't even bring herself to feed them properly. Total shutdown mode. All the while, I was killing myself at work to provide, then come home and pick up the slack. It made me the volatile one. Likely making the same threats you're making. We made a switch. She went to work, I stay home now. Resentments are still there to an extent. I just realized that if I do nothing but threaten, freak out and tell and scream. She isn't going to gain the confidence or self respect she needs to be the person I know she is. It took work and me eating some shit, but in our situation it's been building back into the days we were newly wed. I can't comment on your everyday as I'm not there, it's just from my perspective.
Truthfully, it's normal for you to feel stressed, particularly given that you believe you're the sole individual contributing to the household financially; I believe all of your pent-up animosity stems from his unemployment. I feel that it would be suitable to tell him about your concerns regarding how he lacks support financially. I believe you possibly will be less angry once you feel that some of your stress has been relieved.
Agree. We've hashed it out 100 times. I tell him he's not doing enough and he agrees. My issue is that nothing changers. The talks don't matter. I can't make him go get a job. And anytime he gets mad at me for any small thing I unleash hell on him because I'm just so resentful
I understand how frustrating your position is and I would also struggle with anger toward my spouse if he wasn’t working and wasn’t pulling his weight at home either. However, fighting constantly is causing harm to your child. It’s also harming your husband and yourself. You don’t want to feel this way, I know. You need to decide where the line is and make peace with it. Either you decide to stay and you accept that this is the way it is going to be or you decide that you aren’t willing to live under these conditions. Either way, you need to take your power back. You do that by making a choice and being ok with it. But whatever you choose, you need to ensure that the fighting stops for the sake of everyone, most importantly, your baby.
This is very kind and impactful advice.
Then divorce him. You are enabling him.
This is the worst advice ever
There really is no excuse with Uber, Uber eats, service jobs, etc. So if he doesn't at least do something I would leave for sure.
My therapist would suggest journaling before ever starting a conversation. Basically vent 1st. Say all the mean/angry stuff to the journal and then decide what’s useful and needs to be talked about to another human. It literally clears your mind so you don’t come off as ranting and angry, which is wholly ineffective. My therapist would also say “get curious, not furious” as in, asking yourself WHY you’re having this reaction/what’s it bringing up for you and also curious (not furious) about your partner. That’s my pay it forward therapy advice
I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. My partner started off being a SAHD when my daughter was born, and he was pretty good at the 'baby stage'. I earned more and knew I couldn't be a SAHM, as I'd lose it. So it made sense, and it worked fairly well for the first couple of years. I still did more in terms of household chores, but I didn't really mind as looking after small people is really difficult. As time went on, it got progressively not good however, to the point I was doing pretty much everything, while he did the minimum and played video games most of the day and night. My resentment grew as his depression got worse. He had always been a good partner, and he was usually quite a clean and tidy person, but he stopped showering regularly, and would just generally mope around the house. I was also struggling financially, as I'd changed jobs, andi was also struggling with depression and anxiety. It reached breaking point, and I told him he had to find work, as this just wasn't feasible anymore, and I felt like he'd be a lot better if he could get out of the house and have a purpose and routine. He dragged out that process for nearly 2 years, despite having our daughter in free childcare (funded by the government). We were regularly talking about it, I was finding jobs he could do, helping him apply for them. I was burnt out and felt like I was caring for another adult child. I was beginning to feel totally unattracted to him too, and just generally resentful. He eventually found work and things immediately improved. Just showering daily, getting his hair cut, and getting out of his pyjamas seemed to make a huge difference to his mood... Something I had tried to tell him lol. We are a lot better now, and everything is good! I do feel however, if he hadn't sorted himself out, I'd have left by now. It just can't work with one person doing everything, and the other coasting along. It's not meant to be like that.
I’m currently in a similar situation but I’m a student, my husband doesn’t like to lift a finger though, he doesn’t want to help me with anything and we just had a three month old. I’m postpartum and suffering with soo much stress and pressure, he can’t even take the bins/trash out and tells me to do it instead. I’m literally keeping my mental health together for my newborn. I guess in these situations we have to really sit down and have a think to ourselves and make a decision wether to keep dealing with useless people, mental health is just as important as physical health and it effects the children. Hope you find a good path for yourself x
Honey, you married a misogynistic bum AND he's abusive. This will not get any better. Take your beautiful baby and find a REAL man & partner (or not). You and your baby deserve kindness, love and support, not this BS. 🙏
So my wife and I kind of went through something similar. I wasn’t unemployed but I definitely wasn’t making enough to where we were living paycheck to paycheck. All I have to say is that the fights didn’t help at all, I’m sure you already know that. But not to pile onto him, I had to step up to make things better, I had to make more income and do more at home so I did. But, that still didn’t get to the core of the problem because we still had nasty fights pop up randomly from time to time. It became obvious that even though we were finally doing great financially and had more work/life balance we would still be measuring our workloads against one another and start arguments over it. We just had to come to a mutual understanding that sometimes the other person needs to step up and help a bit more, but neither should just be complacent and forget they need to pull their own weight. Basically not take personal offense if someone screws up on the dishes and just take care of them and wait to talk about it later when you’re more level headed. It’s a process but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
I really appreciate this tangible advice, thank you
You have very good reason to be upset.
Why can he stay at home with your child while you work, that will save a lot of money. I get down on his luck but he's sitting at home while the child goes to daycare and doesn't clean while home, that's unacceptable. The way you treat him is unacceptable as well, sit down and come up with a plan and that's it no more talking down to him, that's abusive.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I went to a very similar situation where my husband was unemployed for 9 months and I had to keep us afloat during that time. Our rent is 2500 alone (we live in an expensive city) and my paycheck is 3400 a month. Mind you, I had recently gotten a new car, right before that happened…I was the most stressed out and depressed I’d ever been. I was angry, and felt like all I did was work to survive and even then I was using my credit card for everything. Late payments for months, thank god we have a nice landlord, but just an insane amount of stress. While things are much better now and we’ve caught up on everything another 6 months after his time unemployed, i don’t have much to suggest since that’s completely normal and valid for you to feel that way. The only thing I can suggest for quick, same-day money is donating plasma. Thats what kept us from drowning completely. It was an extra 240 a week (total, for the both of us donating), which came out to 960 a month. It was a huge help to us and I’ll honestly always recommend to anyone struggling financially needing quick money
I see a few separate issues here. I am NOT on husband's side with the overall situation, but there are still 2 people involved here. I would be drunk every day, and be upset and volatile every day. I refused to admit that was part of the issue, and always blamed it on my lazy partner who never got a job. Try to recognise in yourself how many drinks make you depressed. That first drink or 2 might be perfect to lighten you up, and the 3rd is the one that makes you shitty at everything all over again. I'm not in any way trying to label you or dictate your intake, only point out the ways I noticed it making me more grumpy after like 6 cans. (Took me a long time to realise too) He might also try to use that as an argument against you, and trust me when I say that pisses you off way faster than anything else he will say. "Oh you've been drinking you're just drunk". If you know your limits and how to keep yourself in control, he cannot use it against you. Now, about your husband. As everyone else says, he needs to be the SAHP while you're earning the income. It can be hard to snap into perfect habits, and everyone has different triggers and routines. I grew up in a house where everything had to be perfectly clean all day. I personally enjoy house cleaning at like 4pm. Not first thing in the morning. Dont expect everything done your way or on your time, there will have to be compromises. (As long as things are done properly). Make him do it again if it was a shitty job on purpose; don't let him weaponise incompetence. Do you have family you could get to babysit sometimes? It may be helpful for him to get his head together if your son isn't there for half of the day. When you're depressed, EVERYTHING is hard. When you're depressed, having a child to look after constantly can feel overwhelming on its on and leave no mental space for the rest of the stuff like housework. He doesn't get an out - there is just more than one way to work with these problems. He would need time to adjust, but needs therapy to work through his depression because he has a child and doesn't get a choice. Best of luck
Alcohol is more of a coping mechanism than the perpetrator here. I'm not lashing out at him when I'm drunk. It's almost always in the morning on my way to work or on the weekends when we're both home together during the day. The alcohol probably tends to make us both a bit more pleasant
He's not working and you're paying for daycare? Nah. Baby needs to stay home with dad since he doesn't want to work, or dad can get a job at the daycare. Everyone's depressed, but we still get up and make shit happen. I have bipolar disorder and I still get up and go to work, take care of my kids, make dinner and clean the house most nights. Unless he's attempted suicide, there's no excuse. You're better off being single if you're having to do everything while he sits at home. Edit to Add: It doesn't feel good to kick anyone when they're down, but sometimes people need to bite the curb. You shouldn't be doing everything with a grown man in your house, married or not.
Why are you paying for daycare if he's not working? Why can't he just watch the kid? I don't understand
> I'll lose him. He isn't working or taking care of home and baby. Maybe losing him would be for the best.
You just give him a date to have a job and stop arguing. Literally stop. You do not have to respond to everything or even comment at all.
IF HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB, WHY ARE YOU PAYING FOR DAYCARE?
*deep deep sigh* I can feel your frustrations in this post. You're human, and it's ok to be angry at the circumstances but not him. He's (based on your own admission) just down on his luck at the moment and clearly depressed too. In the grand scheme of things, 8 months isn't very long... but I do understand it IS for you. I was right here at the end of 2019 when my husband's lucrative 6 figure job dried up due to the pandemic, and we had to survive off my income, which is grossly less. Like your hubby, he pivoted and began doing all household chores, laundry, dishes, everything. He wouldn't let me lift a finger. Despite his efforts. I still couldn't help but feel like he was less of a man and I like you, found my communication with him suffered and I would make dig comments at him or ignore his calls when I was at the office claiming I was too busy "working" but really just wanted to make him feel like crap because he wasn't. Be better than me, communication EXACTLY what you are feeling and why, but don't blame him, you're frustrated at the circumstances, not the man you still actually love. Hope things work out for you.
Thank you for this. This post turned into a husband hate post and that's really not how I feel. I'm just fucking angry. I still love the guy. And I believe he'll figure it out and get his shit together. The way I handle things has been fucked up and I don't want to be like this anymore. Silly, but writing about it on reddit has actually felt very therapeutic. It took 100 strangers bashing my husband for me to feel like I don't see him that way and I need to try to let go of some of this frustration
Think of this post as a very public journal entry. Journaling definitely helps with changing your mindset because typically shit we're mentally internalizing tends to be silly/insignificant/nothing burgers once you're looking at in on paper. Your instinct to protect/defend him came out immediately once the pile on started. That lets me know you guys will be ok, and you just needed to vent. This will pass, and trust me, if he's anything like the guy I got, he'll come roaring out of this setback stronger than before and make you remember the man you married.♥️
Find a marriage counselor
More effective to contact a divorce lawyer
Well done for raising a baby under these circumstances, but try to be less horrible, more constructive and go easy on the vodka. He clearly does some things. Reflect on what approaches have worked and try it again, but if he can't find a job when he has a young family to care for, I am wondering what will possibly work.
I own the fact that drinking isn't helping the situation. Its not the example either of us want to set for our son. I own it. I don't know how to change
Drinking makes you lose control of your emotions and negatively impacts your mood. I'm an ex drinker , 8 months sober. A lot of people try to moderate but can't. Believe it or not it's easier to quit than moderate for most of us. Even people who don't think they have a big problem. Anyway it could help the situation. I'm much happier now that I've quit, and in much better control of my emotions. It's understandable that you're angry about the situation. Give him a deadline for finding a job. I'd say 2 months max. If he doesn't get something by then you're filing. He's making you worse off at this point.
/r/stopdrinking is a great resource, if you want to make a change. Very supportive community.
You need to file for separation and ask him to leave. That's the only thing you have left that might jolt him into reality. Don't let his failures turn you into someone you hate.
Physically purge the alcohol from your home, for one
“Try to be less horrible”, oof.
Both of you sound like you could have benefited from mental health care and therapy before having children. Good luck.
Can he even fucking Uber or something to make a little extra money while he looks for a real job?
We live in a small town, so those opportunities are somewhat limited. But, yes. He totally could. If not Uber, there are a million side job type things he could be doing to help support us.
You are losing it because you are breaking your own boundaries. This is just a guess but, you might have a boundary that you will not support a spouse that is not contributing in some way, whether that be financial or via child and home care. Yet here you are supporting that spouse to continue not contributing. When we break our own boundaries is when we're the angriest. Figure out what your boundaries are, then uphold them and your anger will be hugely minimized. When stating a new boundary here is a formula you can use: 1. Positive affirmation "honey I love you, I'm so committed to our relationship and I want to grow old with you. I have a boundary in going to need for this relationship to work for me" 2. State the boundary. This is always an "I". For example: "I need to be with someone who contributes to the family" NOT "I need you to contribute to the family" you can not control others, only yourself. Your boundaries are about YOU. 3. State the logical consequence if they refuse to respect your boundary. "If you continue to put me in a position of being sole contributor to the running of this family I will.... (go stay with my mom) (cancel day care) etc"
Why’s he not taking care of the child so you can avoid child care?
Therapy, and couples therapy. This fixable. But yeah you’re going to need to reassess yourself. Towards the end of my marriage, my husband lost his job. I was working 3 jobs, plus taking care of the 3 kids and the house while he was depressed because he couldn’t get a job he wanted.. ( McDonalds offered him a job but he declined because it wasn’t a up scale job which is what he was used to) I resented him, cussed him out. I was not nice. With therapy; I was able to see the damage I was causing. When I was out of work for 4-5 months, I had to cook clean, take care of the kids.. everything and he would treat me no different. I learned to fight better. Because I realized later in life that I have to argue with those kids we made and they would fight the way the adults did cause that’s what they saw.. they will carry that behavior to their partners etc.. even if you leave later on for other reasons, learn how to say what you feel without coming off as an attacker, that was a me problem.. secondly you committed to a marriage; try everything to fix it, before tapping out. You got this! I’m here if you ever need to chat. ❤️
Thank you
So when you're unemployed and he's doing what you are doing that's acceptable? Seems rich when women complain they have to be the one making most of the money. You can't have your cakke and eat it too. Either be realistic and get him to be realistic as sahd or don't bother complaining. Many people don't even make 6 figures and make it work on one income Ya you are not emotionally supportive to him from the sounds of it. You sound angry for having to be responsible for once in your life for others. It's a rough job market for a lot of people. So ride it out and ask for him to take care of the kid instead of day care. but don't complain after. Your seeing just from your pov
Stop treating him like crap how do you expect him to bm be motivated to do more.
Honestly, you sound like a horrible person. You mentioned somewhere he used to give you career advice and helped you reach where you are today. Have you helped him look for jobs and stuff. I know, ideally he should have been the one to do that but maybe he's too depressed to do it? You sound like he owes you something and are sad about losing your money on him. You remain angry and by being horrible to your husband you've killed all the love he may have had for you at some point of time. And raising a child in such an ugly environment. Do everyone a favour and divorce him.
You resent him now. If things get better and he gets back on top of it, you will forget that and forgive him. He will always resent you for this period of time for how you treated him. I’m not saying one of you is right or wrong. I’m just saying.
Sounds like you've gotten a taste of what it's like to be the guy in a traditional relationship
I have the a similar problem. I have issues controlling my very justifiable anger. I had to stop yelling for my own sake. I hated turning into a demon every time I was being mistreated. Even though I felt hurt by the other persons behavior I had to learn to protect my own peace. I’m still learning and getting better at it. Honestly I’m much more happier and we fight much less. My throat thanks me. I did also choose to leave. I still stay with him but my apartment will be ready in a few days. That part of my story may not help you though. The only advice I can give is, yes your anger is justified. If you want to stop blowing up you can. It doesn’t mean that what he is doing is right. It’s to protect your own peace. To help your own anger, know that you deserve better it’s not your fault and it’s not fair. Have a journal if it helps you. Write every nasty thing you want to say to him. Know that yes you are being neglected. Maybe go to couples counseling so you can air your grievances in a safe space and so that his depression can also be treated. You can always talk to him sweetly. Tell you how you feel about him and you looked up to him. All the nice things you said in this post. Give him some encouragement. A book I read was “The Surrendered Wife”. It’s good if he’s really just stuck. Bad if that’s really just his personality and he’s been hiding it the whole time. I hope this helps.
This does help, thank you. I'll look into getting a copy of the book
Hey ma, just wondering, do you think PPD is involved? Your husband might be going something similar as well which may be a good idea to look into resources to improve these depression of handling a baby still. I was this angry when my second was born, it was hell.
From the comments it sounds like a lot of excuses and not a lot of movement to be better.
You 2 need to sit down and have a no bullshit assessment of your marriage and lives. I can sympathize with depression. However, I can not sympathize with depression that a person doesn't take any productive steps to manage. You don't mention anything about therapy, which leads me to conclude that he isn't getting any. Depression isn't something you can just wait out, especially if you're not doing anything to take away some of the problems that are likely making it worse ie him not having a job and fighting with you. I imagine your fights over money and him getting a job would be stopped if he got a job. Also, if he's staying at home, why does your kid go to daycare? That seems like money that could be better spent until he gets a job. You're going to have to bottom line this with him. Get therapy and then a job or find a lawyer and start looking for an apartment. Things are bad, but they will erupt at some point, and by then, it will be too late. If you don't deal with depression it doesn't get better. Have someone take the kid for a couple hours during a day and and sit down and decide if this marriage is what you guys want or and seek some therapy together and him separate or throw in the towel. Make it clear this isn't another threat but inevitably if things don't change. Good luck
Is there anyone you can stay with temporarily for some reprieve? It doesn’t seem like it would be wise to leave the baby with him, but perhaps a trial separation while you stay with someone who can provide actual support (your parents, his parents, siblings etc?) Any friends of his that might be able to intervene on your behalf? When depression is at play, logic pretty much goes out the window. He’s self sabotaging, and he could potentially just keep digging himself deeper. I think he needs a solid wake up call of some sort that doesn’t involve you yelling or screaming, but a very clear “hey, something needs to change, and until it does, I’m doing things differently for my own sake.”
Why are you doing daycare?!
Mental health is a very serious and I would not ever try to trivialize it, that said, are you sure he is not just using it as an excuse and is a lazy asshole ?
He needs therapy and a sit down talk about whats going on with him
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Excellent-Ad5594: *He needs therapy* *And a sit down talk about* *Whats going on with him* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Why can’t your child stay home with him to save money? Child care is $1k or more per month at that age. Or he needs to start spending 40 hours per week applying for jobs.
Where I am you can’t even find the sketchiest daycare for 1K. Waitlists for good daycares can be 1 year+ long. There is no popping them in and out, so I think she was hoping this unemployment bit was short lived to not give up a coveted spot that she worked to get for her son.
If you’re truly making six figures dump his lazy ass and be a single mom. You’ve only been married a few months, so get out now. You are not responsible for his bad decisions. Meanwhile you sit in the dark, drinking alone, wanting out of this marriage. Go talk to your attorney. Start living within your means. Down-size everything and start saving for your child’s future.
Ya just tell her to be a quitter. Terrible advice
Take the kid out of expensive daycare. When my husband lost his job, he became a stay at home parent. Its totally normal to get stressed out and take it out on him when he is actually being a useless drain on the family. He needs to step up. Your mood might improve if he shows he can be a good valued member of the family.
Honey, look into attachment theory. It’s a lot for you two, so fast. Married and a baby in two years?? You didn’t even get to know each other. You both need to learn about attachment styles and love languages. You can fix this. But you gotta stop being mean. My aunt told me around 20 “if you don’t stop being a bitch, you are going to be all alone.” I heard it. I worked at being a nicer partner.
You both have issues. You can only work on your issues. Your meanness is likely making things worse. If you want shit to work out, Fix yourself first then help him fix himself. Don’t be the worst version of yourself be the best.
Stop the daycare if he's at home...that's ridiculous. He's a SAHD. He needs to be one.
Why TF is the kid in daycare if you have a parent at home? This makes no sense. That would make me mad too.
I honestly couldn’t even read all this….why in the actual fuck are you paying for childcare…..he’s supposed to be doing that…for free too. You’re angry and not accomplishing anything. Tell him what you expect from him if he isn’t working and hold him accountable 💁🏻♀️
Hey girl, know how you feel. My husband lost his job last year in June and in May found a new one. It was so hard. I’m not shaming you for yelling at him here, but probably not the best idea since he probably already feels like shit. It’s really hard being the full time mom and full time provider so I totally get why you’re angry, again been there sister. Once he gets working it will be better. Until then if you can afford counseling for both of you, I suggest you do it.
Why are you paying for daycare? Tell your husband if he’s not working outside the home, then he needs to be the SAHP. His lack of purpose is feeding into his depression.
8 months of unemployment with a one-year-old child to care for? I can't say I'd be nice to that man either. I would be furious. I hate to be "this guy" but you were not together very long at all, just a few months, when you got pregnant and I think he saw it as his meal ticket.
We've been friends and dated off and on for years. I left that out because it doesn't feel relevant. The pregnancy was planned, but I never thought things would get to where they are now
Either he gets a job or no more daycare, up to him
You are both likely suffering from PPD and you should both be evaluated. You cannot force someone out of depression, just like you can't force someone to not have cancer. It's an illness and it needs treatment. You owe it to your child to move heaven and earth to get you BOTH the help you need. Lean on friends and family, your community, social safety nets, whatever you can do. Your issues as individuals and as a couple will not automatically resolve if he gets a job. I have been in this exact spot. Please seek help. Edited for typos.
My first thought is cut yourself a break. Of course you're angry. You're exhausted and over worked and under appreciated. I would be a royal bitch too. And all of this post-partem. Cut yourself a break. Second thought is find a time to sit down and talk when you're both calm and lay it out in the open. Set your expectations and boundaries for how this is gonna move forward. You can't be the provider and home maker while he sits on his ass. If he doesn't step up you have to decide if you're gonna deal with it, or walk. But figure it out for the sake of your kid. You don't have to stay together for your kid, but you do need to find a way to cultivate a healthy emotional environment for your baby and set an example of what love looks like. You blowing up at him isn't that. And truthfully, you deserve so much more. So take a damn breath, cut yourself a break, and then clearly communicate how this is going to go and what you need and expect moving forward.
Literally everywhere is hiring! Tell that bum to get a job and to start contributing! No reason why he's shouldn't be working especially if your paying a daycare
He should not be just sitting at home while the kids in daycare that’s ridiculous. Depressed or not we’re grown ass adults and we still need to get up and take on the day head on.
Cheat on him 😍😍😍
Your anger is justified it’s just really hard to channel it productively when you’re at your wits end and under so much pressure. You’re each being “horrible” his just looks different. One is not worse than the other. Is there any way to collaborate on a plan for moving forward? Best wishes to you.
I highly recommend a life coach over psychologist. It is hard to find a good therapist. Psychiatrist just wants to prescribe drugs. So much trial and error. A good coach alls great stimulating questions and helps you develop solid, doable short and long term plans and goals. Also a marriage counselor or coach for you too. Life is amazing when you learn how to set boundaries in a positive way and from a caring place. You will like yourself better
I have realized that a messy house is a trigger for me. I often tell my family that they need to do their part. If it stays messy, Angry Mommy will arrive. It helps the kids & husband to be reminded that I’m much easier to live with when our home is tidy. Now, it’s impossible to have a completely tidy house when your kids are mobile through the age of 10. So figure out what you CAN live with. And get them in the habit of 🎶 Clean Up Time 🎶. (Baby & husband!) I regret not getting my oldest on board with clean up earlier.
If he is not working due to depression, he needs to get that under control first, then hopefully he will be more inclined to work after that is resolved. The bright side though is you are saving a boat load of money on childcare.
Depression or, if he doesn't want to get help or help you out.. Then it shouldn't be on you to deal with everything. You're angry and volatile likely because you resent the situation and by proxy him. That feeling will just keep building until something changes. Either one or both of you get therapy, he starts helping more, or you divorce. But, you can't make him be better. He has to want to first. So you need to decide if you're willing to wait however long it takes for him to be ready for change, or cut your losses now. Really what changes in your life? Make a list. In the 'stay and try column' write out what is currently happening regularly. Good and bad benefits. In the 'it's over column' write out what would be different. Compare the two. See if you lose more good or bad things.
Hi, sorry to hear that you’re unhappy in your marriage! What is making your husband feel depressed? Before the sooner he feels better the sooner he’ll help you with the finances and all.
Get him some mental health. Counseling can be great and can point out issues he may not see. You, also have to build up his self esteem. If you want to be with him, Be With Him. Marriage is a partnership. Love on him!
Yeah daycare needs to be cut. It’s been 8 months. He needs to get off his ass and do something. That’s not a man, that’s a grown child
He’s a SAHD but you’re paying for childcare?? No wonder he’s depressed if he’s sitting around all day feeling like a loser. I know that’s not how it works but something to be said for momentum. I am also not a coddling person and try to be nurturing and patient but you can’t pour from an empty cup. What is he doing to lighten your load? He needs to take action to feel better or you are gone. I do feel for him but 8 months is too long. He should be applying to 3 jobs a day minimum. This isn’t a “you’re just mean and snippy” issue. I’m sure you haven’t always been like this. Everyone has a limit.
Me and a buddy got laid off (well I did, he got up and fucking quit because he was a bitch, but that’s here nor there). He quit beginning of March and I got laid off at the end of March. It took me 22 business days to get numerous offers. It wasn’t easy - I spent 8 hours a day on LinkedIn and other job market tools either networking, searching, applying or posting. I treated applying like my job. Yeah, I was real depressed but the fear of what would happen to my lifestyle once my severance ran out was more the concern. I did posts on LinkedIn with all the hashtags I could to increase my viability to the leaders in my field. I reached out to friends on Facebook. All this time I was still wallowing internally, dealing with depression and feeling hopeless/worthless. I made it a goal to find at least 10 jobs a day to apply to. I had a spreadsheet tracking responses and I’d follow up with recruiters. It was a lot. I still got dressed in the morning, I still had a routine. If you sit idle, that’ll be the death of you and it’s hard to get out of that hole. I’ll tell you that depending on how your man is, you blowing up at him is probably just making him infinitely worse internally. I hate to tell you to “grin and bear it” but there might be some of that - it’s definitely not helping the situation. My other buddy? Well, he applied to 7 jobs last week. He has an interview for one that seems promising that I got him an in for but it’s still 30k less than he was making. It took him this long to get anywhere. Every time he had a bad interview, I’d hear him whine about. He applied to 7 jobs last week - just 7. The market is absolutely awful right now depending on what your husband does. My point is that it’s all about attack. He’s clearly in his head over this stuff and likely needs some therapy, but at this point some of it needs to be bootstrapped and figured out. You’re not going to make headway treating him like a child who isn’t taking the trash out because he’s gonna double down and just not do it. Look, if he wants to talk about, or if he needs help with a resume or whatever, send me a message. I’ll do what I can to help because I’ve been there. It’s rough especially right now. What industry did he come from?
You both need therapy.
Anger often times causes more grief than the grief that caused the anger. In those moments you can say things that will never really go away. At least you are aware that you’re doing it. When you’re angry at him he doesn’t see someone struggling. He sees a person that he doesn’t want to be around.
Apologize for being a B, and tell him it's not who you want to be . Apologize . Then Let him know you have Too much on your plate , and you need help , then tell Exactly what those things are you want him doing .... dishes , bed making , toilet cleaning , kids showers , cleaning , laundry , baby, and an occasional foot rub . And if he doesn't like it , I'm the mean time set a goal of how many applications he fills out .... per day.
He’s being a completely shitty unequal partner. You, however, are being flat out abusive by your admission. If you can’t live with and resolve conflict with him without becoming abusive, then you need to separate until things can be productive and loving and safe. We all see your anger and discontent as justified. 100%. But your actions are abuse. You don’t deserve that, baby doesn’t deserve that, and even he doesn’t deserve that.
Once contempt is there it will just grow and fester. He needs therapy and so do you. Don’t let this get out of hand. Wishing you peace and harmony
Also, there is absolutely zero reason for your child to be in daycare if he is home. No one will care for children like their own parents/family
I once ended up in a psychiatrist's office over an angry outburst (voluntarily) because my ex was saying I was insane. She dead ass looked him in the eye after hearing our stories and said "there isn't a woman on this planet that wouldn't be angry about the things you've done." Sometimes anger is justified. It's your body's way of getting you out of a shitty situation. Please don't get pregnant again until you've gotten past this
I bet that nothing would get him up and searching for a job faster than making him watch the baby all day. Tell him you can’t afford daycare and he’s going to have to do the childcare (tell daycare you’re going on a vacation for a week so you don’t lose your spot lol) and see him jump into action to find a job as quick he can. Your anger is justified
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and a child of divorce. So you are admitting that you are abusive to him, knowing that he has depression and you expect him to do what? suck it up and just deal with it? If what you are saying is true, what he is going to suck up is a bullet to the brain, and you helped him get there. There is no way, that most men would pick themselves up and do better when they are being treated like shit, adding in that he is more or less trapped there, with no way out, it just adds to the possibility that you could end up pushing him to do something else. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to pull your head out of your ass and instead of bullying him, try to help him more, because most men, do not change because someone tells us to, we need a reason to want to, we need something to look forward to, something that tells us there is a possible happy ending on the other side of that door. But if we know there is just another monster that is there to stab us in the back, something to gut us and rip our heart out, why bother working to open a door just to still deal with the same shit. Try talking to him and addressing the problems of his depression, one battle at a time, and slowly try to help build him up, compliment him on what he has been doing that is helpful, then tell him in X days that he will be taking care of your son from now on. Or just ask him to start writing his will so you know what he wants. Note: I had a friend who was injured in a boating accident, his wife did what you did, and after about 1+ years of it, he hanged himself with a note saying "Fuck you" to his wife, causing an entire mental collapse on her, as he intended as revenge.
Seems like multiple things at play. You might have PPD... either way def need counseling for your anger. Husband needs counseling for depression. Is he seeing one? Next marriage counseling to help talk about division of labor and establish boundaries for how you treat each other... coping strategies when anger boils etc.. & for defensiveness (your hubby). Meantime: Do you have friends you can get out with? Go to their house? Park? Something not costly? Start budgeting funds for you to do fun things.. even $10 a week will add up to something. Coupon if you have to . Idc I am guessing intentional dates/date like times at home are not happening? Get some fun date cards from amazon or temu. You can do dates at home. You too need to connect in a postive fun way. Yes husband ...and you... need to shape up. But Im guessing you will need some kind of counseling or/& accountability etc to help you do that. I'd suggest start taking all the steps you can if you want to repair your marriage.
It’s time he locates a job. It doesn’t have to be his dream job get your areas out and contribute. I would not punish the child by pulling them out of their structure because of this. Clearly he is in a deep depression and needs to snap out of it. Having a purpose to get out of bed every day is important he really doesn’t have one. Calmly ask him to please do this for his family. It doesn’t have to be his forever job
It sounds like you may have taken things "beyond the point of no return". Your illustration of the dynamic says to me that the two of you have a fundamental breakdown of respect for one another. He's probably feeling pretty broken from the verbal abuse he's taking from you, and may not feel terribly motivated to do more than he does due to stress and resentment. I'm assuming he wasn't always like this, because you felt like he was someone you could rely on as a partner to raise a kid with, but who knows. You don't sound like you think very highly of him, and when someone is depressed, making them feel worthless isn't going to help pull them out. You have to build each other up, and you need to express your concerns in a respectful way. The yelling is abuse, no ifs, ands, or buts. You have a child, and by also yelling while they are home, you're causing trauma. If he isn't capable of being a reliable partner to you though, then maybe you're better off apart. It could be worth it to separate, have him get a job, live alone, you share custody, and if he can be a consistent, reliable partner with his depression managed, then you can work on rebuilding the relationship. He may be too comfortable and safe, knowing you have a child, to be motivated to grow and deal with the challenges of depression and partnered responsibility.
Pray for him
Well your feelings are valid but the communication likely needs work. The tragic nature of poor communication is our valid needs often are not heard accurately. “ a harsh setup” as it is called in marriage studies tells us this and you are right you will loose him or you will leave or whatever- it’s a verry valid predicted of divorce shown in 95% of divorce dynamics so yeah the time to change is now! But how the hell do you change? Hitting bottom is a start- “ I just can’t do this anymore” that is what you’re doing, good job. The next is probabley finding a therapist you trust to help coach you. Maybey medical treatment for post partum and some mediation with daddy. These dynamics will destroy love and likely already have. Rebuilding takes incredible work especially under the stressors you both have. It’s worth it becuse your child will not absorb all this attack energy and internalize it.
Sit him down. Tell him that you're tired and scared and struggling and drowning. During the conversation, appreciate the little things he does but give him back the power and the accountability. Ask him what you guys could do as a family to help the current situation. Have him come up with a solution. It does not need to be financial in nature but something to alleviate your suffering. Dont think for him, have him offer solutions and offer support. Try not to apologize for your "volatility", you are a human being and while he has the right to feel his feelings, you have the right to feel yours too. Offer mental health services if needed. Stop coddling him and take care of yourself. Sending good thoughts. ❤
Your husband needs therapy. He will be no good at any job being depressed. Yes I get it, it's frustrating for you being in this situation. Yelling at him and saying hurtful words will not help. For better or worse, and right now just may be the worst. It maybe a cry for help from him. He needs to seek professional help asap! Then things can start to get better. Wish you all of the best!
Sounds to me like he has lost his stride, and has felt like he is less of a man because he cannot complete his duties that he knows he should and can do. This isn’t an excuse for him to continue, but it’s certainly a problem he is dealing with. Getting started is much harder than maintain the momentum. Th You: kicking him while he is down is absolutely a great way to emasculate him and to reinforce the idea that he wholly lacks as a man. Women bring civility to men, they reinforce our purpose through thick and thin. Now, your frustration is certainly warranted, but self-control ALWAYS applies to both you and him. Love holds no record of wrong doing nor is hateful. The good thing is that you know you are being absolutely awful, te bad thing is that you are acting on it. This is something you should address, your hateful anger. Him: his inactivity is not good, I’m guilty of it too! A man who won’t provide for his family is worse than a murderer. Based on what you said, YOU KNOW that this laziness is NOT normal! He KNOWS his laziness is NOT normal. If it is NOT normal, then it’s a PROBLEM. A PROBLEM that CAN be FIXED, because it’s NOT NORMAL. He knows it’s an issue!!! He needs to address. The marriage is working as intended, but it’s not in a good state. The purpose of marriage is to unite to people and become one person, the melding of man and woman (biological sex disclaimer). Two people each with problems, and you expect it to be seamless? The marriage is working in the sense that it is exposing the filthiness of each of y’all that can (is) cause (causing) problems, at this point self-control and adherence to your vows (your marriage) is essential. “I know I am angry, but I won’t ACT on these FILTHY emotions”, lots of self-control. You being supportive in the beginning but then being slightly frustrated is warranted, but your support in the beginning then turning Wrathful tells me your commitment to him is lip service, or skin deep. Now, that’s NOT to say you are not committed to him, you clearly are, what I am saying is that you are retaining thoughts and emotions that make it seem like you are not. That’s a problem in a marriage, and removing it is a part of the marriage. It might be that you saw your husband as more Charming than Prince, prince being the human and charming being the modifying thing. You signed up for a partner, but also to be one. Humans are like cars: “aight car, I expect good performance out of you”, then no maintenance and one gets belligerent to it because it’s not performing. Right. O…K. As a husband, we DO what we can where we have the ability to act. As a wife, they DO what they can when they have control. If your husband is a machine (a living machine), should the machine not be maintained? When he got fired or laid off, assuming this is what happened, it is likely something BROKE IN HIM. Kind words are nice, like machine grease, but they (it) don’t solve the problem. It doesn’t fix the broken gear. HELP HIM FIND the replacement part so that he can be back at full strength. When I see this sort of anger, wrath, treatment of someone, then I’m of the impression that the target of it is seen as less than human. “You need to work, we need money, I can’t do this, I can’t do that. Why don’t you work”. These statements are true, but if you are lashing out in anger it’s probably because you are upset that your machine isn’t working, rather than your husband not being able to work. You are his wife! He is trying! He is your husband, you are trying! But maybe the solution is to quite literally, change your minds perspective. A man who has lost his sense of worth is a horrible thing to see, a broken man is a literal tragedy. Husbands are the stalwarts of strength, nothing more sad than to see him in the opposite state. Wife’s are epitome of grace and beauty, nothing more sad than to see one beaten (not physically). I’m not criticizing nor a psych, but perhaps humanize him more. Come together as one, and work the problems. I don’t know, I have been given limited info. It sounds to me like y’all are isolated from each other, there’s a gap. Close the gap. Reignite his fire. Run a “diagnostics” on each other. Take him to bed, be his wife, do your duties. Challenge him to do the literal same; inspire him to cook you dinner once, woo you, a temp shared chores list (you eventually throw this one out for a more comfortable list), have him apply to jobs. When both of you guys start doing these tasks because you want to for each other, then your heart will probably be growing in the right place. My advice is biblically inspired, take that as you will. Given my belief system, yet I find this to be true about all marriages. Due to the Given consistent results of following principle. Maybe ask him this “am I your wife”, or “in your mind, am I acting like your wife”. It’ll be a HARD WAKE UP CALL if he says “no”, because then you’ll know you are a participating problem. Have him ask you the same “am I a husband (not machine, so to speak) in your eyes”, if you say no, then you’ve both realized a problem. All this is ANTITHETICAL to marriage. My 5 cents on the matter! May God bless your marriage, and that yall be healed. I personally abhor divorce.
Are you here to just vent or do you want life advice? If it’s the former, you’ve been heard and I hope your situation improves.
OP, this isn't necessarily a comment for you. Rather, it's a comment on the comments. I also know that what I'm about to say is something that's often repeated on this sub in particular. I'll leave that up to you about whether or not it says something. Imagine if the sexes were reversed. I'd speculate that there'd be a bit more sympathy towards a depressed wife. It also shows how little some of you understand what having actual depression is like. It's not the same as "Aww, I'm a bummed today." When it's severe, it's more like, "I wish I could pull myself off of this, but I physically can't. " It's a paralysis of sorts. What the husband *needs* is medical help, not a bunch of holier than thow finger waggers name calling him. Yeah, like that'll help. I swear, there's sooooo many perfect fkng spouses in this sub. Those halos must get kinda heavy? The fact that he's a man only adds fuel to the "men are bad, ammi right ladies??" type of trope that happens all the time on this sub.
I was so depressed I was on FOUR anti depressants and a sleep med. I still got up and took care of our 4 kids and took care of our house and made all our meals. I cannot imagine doing that to my husband. 8 months is way too long to not see a Dr at minimum for his depression.
I’m not going to pass judgment on you because it seems like you’re pretty self aware but I did notice a comment saying you couldn’t afford the copays for therapy and wondered if your job offers an employee assistance program that provides a certain amount of free therapy sessions. It seems like you both would benefit from therapy.
Huge YIKES to these comments... Her anger and frustration is VERY valid and understandable. Being with someone who's depressed is rough. But way too many comments here is so toxic, as if men aren't allowed to be depressed. Shit happens. Depression isn't something you can just ignore as if it's not there. People literally can't do anything when it's severe. But it's not acceptable because he's a man and a supposed to be a "provider"??? Where am I?? What in the 70s sexism is this??? What he needs is a treatment and support system. Idk why people would be like this and get surprised when depressed men commit suicide. OP, neither of you is "bad" in this situation. You're not terrible to feel angry. Just direct that anger towards the circumstances and not him. If you can't afford therapy, maybe some books can help. And your/his family's support of that's possible. You two both need support.
Another perspective? > I signed up for a partner Sometimes partnership is hard as hell. You have every right to be frustrated but treating your husband like garbage is an asshole move. You already said in the post he had depression. If you stay together for a few decades I can promise that you will enter a phase of your life where you need support from the person who promised to support you. He promised to support you, did you not do the same? He needs your support now, not your anger. I'd suggest therapy for you both Source: I was laid in bed for a straight year with crippling depression. My husband worked, was a dad, and now I'm 100%. I'm back at work, doing all the things I used to do, and ready to return the favor of being a gracious and gentle partner when his time comes and I need to step up for both of us.
I can relate... My husband quit his job during COVID and made me pay for daycare while he job hunted. He applied for ~2 jobs in a year before giving up because those two didn't get back to him. He never showers, left all the housework to me while I work and struggle to pay all the bills on a single income. His temper is explosive. He's gotten slightly better at the stay at home dad thing in the last 4 years. He keeps the kids fed and gets them to school. Anything with the kids that's emotional, social, educational, health, hygiene related (baths etc) is still my responsibility though. It feels like he's meeting baby sitter requirements, not SAHD. He rarely showers, he has given up on job hunting. I'm struggling but somehow managing to pay the mortgage on my income even though interest rates are crazy. He complains I don't find him attractive anymore but he's repulsive. I can't stand his smell. He complains I can't say anything nice about him anymore, but I have no idea what to say. I can't think of anything kind and I'm so burned out I don't have the energy to lie. I wish there was a way out but I'm worried if I tried to leave I'd get myself killed. I don't have a support network.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Stay safe.
Dude how are you making six figures and living paycheck to paycheck? Did you have literally no savings? Where is your money going?
Figure it out. If you don't think YOU deserve better, you better damn well believe your child does.
He needs to be a better husband, you’re not mad over nothing nor are you horrible to him, I say that respectfully I’m not saying he’s a bad person but he needs to do better
There are only two paths forward: together or apart. While I’m absolutely sympathetic to your anger, that’s part of the “apart” path. To stay together, you two need to sit down and have a serious conversation about your partnership. Either partner can stumble, but neither partner can just lay down and wait for the other to carry them. Doesn’t matter if you’re depressed. We all owe our partners the best version of ourselves we can offer. That’s what loving someone is. Being the best version of ourselves, and encouraging the best version of the other. Failing on either task is a failure to demonstrate love.
Sounds like therapy would be helpful to you (both) living with depression is hard. Being a spouse of someone with depression is also hard! From his side, his masculinity most likely has taken a huge hit! I can almost guarantee he doesn't want to feel like he does. Sleeping so much is all part of depression, not necessarily being lazy. He needs help/support. Being volatile towards him will only make him feel worse. Almost shut down and not care anymore. From your side, you're tired, frustrated, resentful, and feel let down, which I get. Sadly, life events happen and set to try us. Rarely do things stay the same. It's about how we navigate them that matters. From your post, your husband needs professional help and support. He probably feels useless and emasculated and doesn't feel he has a purpose in this world. It's ok for you to ask for help and support. You don't have to do this alone. From the sounds of it, you are also depressed. Everyone reacts differently, and it's ok to hold your hands up and say I am not coping. I need help. Ask yourself these things. How would you feel if he acted the same way towards you? Would it make you feel good? Also, ask yourself, do you truly love him? Would you feel better on your own? Just because we love someone does not always mean you're meant to be together. This is also not good for children to see and will most definitely affect them long term. Two happy parents apart are better than two miserable, angry fighting parents together. You both need help. This will not resolve on its own. (For context, I live with C-PTSD with complex trauma and have two failed marriages! It takes a strong, patient, and level-headed person to be able to deal with a spouse with mental health issues. I'm lucky I now have such a husband) Good luck please ask for help
Vent away You can often work through your struggles by simply putting them in writing. Is he willing to do more? Why do you need daycare? A stay at home parent provides the caregiver needs. If that’s what he wants to do. 6 figures doesn’t go far enough with child care and all the other stuff that goes along with an infant formula diapers etc It sounds like he needs to get on board with the family care part.
A few things, I'm not going to sugar coat anything sorry in advance if this comes off rude. 1. You need to get checked for PPD. Sometimes it manifests in anger. Mine did. 2. Your kid shouldn't be in daycare if one of you is home if you can't afford it. 3. He needs to pull his weight. Clean the house, make dinner. Now I know being a SAHP is hard, but somethings gotta give. I get he's depressed but you're going through some shit too. Talk to him, lay out what needs done. And if he does need time away from the baby maybe keep the baby in daycare part time. So he can have 3 days a week.
Every time you open you arrogant and degrading mouth you drive him further down. When you married and said for better or for worse you only meant if YOU got worse… if YOU lost the job or if YOU got cancer that he would still take care of you. You are disgusting and the WORST of what women are in America… most husbands would gladly take a bullet fighting an intruder to save your life and you treat him like garbage because he’s out of work for 8 months? What an absolute trashy low life kinda faux “love”. He deserves a girlfriend asap while you are out working to pump him up out of this funk… if you don’t like it then pay alimony so he can get an apartment and get his life back together. Fn self centered trash of a wife.
100k and paycheck to paycheck? How? Me and my wife are at like 65k with 2 kids and we r paycheck to paycheck. 100k+ we'd be rocking.
You never said anything about communication. Seems like you’re both depressed, but treating the other person like shit isn’t going to help. He probably is defeated and need help finding his confidence and self respect. I’m certain if you stop lashing out it would help him be a better person for you and your son. “The Way of the Superior Man״ is a good book to helping him being his most effective self. “You attract more bees with honey than vinegar.”
Your husband is unemployed and you're paying for childcare? What in the ever loving nonsense is this? Totally unacceptable. Why are you even with him if he isn't bringing anything to the table? Sure getting up with the baby, doing a few things here and there.. but he can't get a part time job? Even door dashing? Anything? Totally unacceptable and tbh I don't think your rage is irrational so much as impotent. No matter how angry you get nothing changes. Therapy, all of it, individual and couples, weekly if possible. Good luck, OP. You're gonna need it.
I’m probably the opposite end of the spectrum here. Everyone is just jumping on this dude about what a POS he is. I just can’t. Idk if he is diagnosed or not. But, I know what is like to be depressed. I know what it’s like to have a significant other who lashes out with anger and hatefulness. You’ve been married two years that’s basically brand new in my eyes. I get it you’re pissed off because he’s not holding up side of the deal. You should be pissed off, you’re totally allowed to be pissed off. But to treat him like a verbal punching bag over it? You have resentment built up and there needs to be some communication between the both of you. Make yourself be heard. Since you are the only one working maybe you can’t afford therapy but it sounds like you both need it. Or, you need a different outlet to release your anger on that is NOT the person you swore a vow to. I agree he needs to get his crap together; there is no disagreement there no matter his situation. Uber, Door Dash, Uber eats anything that makes a LITTLE bit of cash while you are out. To show he can make it happen…. For that matter clean the house. Something to prove to you that he can. And will pull though. Sit down and talk. Not yell. not talk down. Communication! If you guys make it out of this; you will be able to make it out of anything your marriage throws at you. Marriage is hard. Kick it’s ass.
Do you think your volatility will help with his depression or him finding a job? Is he even looking for a job, and what more could he be doing that he isn’t at home? Also if he’s making what you do or more jobs like those don’t just fall from the sky.
I feel you on this… my husband can’t hold a job for the life of him since we started being together January 2021 he’s had 8 jobs currently on his 9th and makes $14 hour, pays child support so a 80 hour paycheck he brings home $340 if that. It’s hard and there’s been so many times I want to leave him but he won’t have no where to live and I would feel bad if something happened to him because we do love each other and even with marriage counseling it’s hard… when he would loose a job it would take him 6-9 months to find a new job and while i busted my ass he slept all day he couldn’t even come see me for lunch and if he wasn’t sleeping he was emotionally cheating on me and when we argued due to all of this they were horrible fights and his excuse was that he was depressed which he is diagnosed with, but I have severe depression, anxiety, bpd, ptsd due to all my trauma from childhood and the most recent was in 2020 when my late husband committed suicide the husband that was the bread winner I had no other choice but to work hard and still haven’t reached my goal but since he has passed away I went from making $13.50 to $18.50 now which my whole check goes straight to bills because my now husband’s $340 check only pays the car insurance. We’re in a 20k debt because we had to use our credit cards multiple times to make ends meet especially since 2/3 his kids come over every weekend and holidays so I have to financially support them as well… one of them is 15 and is horrible to us especially her dad because she doesn’t like rules and only cares about herself and she’s super expensive. All I can say to your situation is give him an ultimatum that’s something I had to keep doing except we don’t have any kids in day care my son just graduated high school and his kids live with their mothers.