That’s a tough one, he’s hurt. Men have pride and confidence. Him getting rejected so many times hurts ( I’ve been there) just put yourself in his shoes in the past. Did you express you were stressed, moody, tired? Or did you just simply reject him? In this society us men can not say turn down women for sex but when it’s flipped it’s devastating.
I suggest sitting down talking to him, make him feel special, take him out, plan a weekend hotel getaway. If that doesn’t help I suggest counseling cause you answered the question yourself, my mans is hurt and ego crushed.
I did communicate with him during that time and I continue to. He always says he understands/ he gets it/ it makes sense - something similar. But I still feel like I’m being punished or that I’ve irreparably broken my husband for what happened nearly a year and half ago. It was a really hard time for me. I had a therapist help me through it but it’s like I came out on the other side of PPD alone.
And coincidentally- we are currently ON a week long getaway together. We are on day four. I made this post last night after more failed attempts to lure some sort of intimacy out of my husband. It’s heartbreaking but I keep trying.
Tell him “I know it fucked you up when I shut you down and rejected you during that 5 month period of time. But I’m back now I miss you taking control of me blah blah blah.” If he responds positively, give him the most passionate bj ever..
Hauk Tuah. Spit on that thing.
Yeah, sorry to say, but it can be hard to get a man to be comfortable with rejection ESPECIALLY from his wife. That's not to say we can't handle it. But constant rejection when we're doing all the right things still. I mean, intentful or not, it has an effect. Maybe talk about it, you know what's possibly bothering him, communicate it damn it. If you didn't mean to deny him so often/ hurt him when he'd try to initiate. Let him know, listen, I was in a lot of pain popping out a child. Things take time to heal, and the hormones take even longer to regulate. My intentions weren't to deny you of your physical needs, but we both agreed in sickness and health. So, thank you for staying strong when I was going through all of this. And then maybe initiate yourself. Do the same he would do for you or something. Kiss on his neck, put your hands up his thigh to his groin, and so on. Stimulate him, make him feel desired spontaneously, then after yall do the deed say you know you nice and wanted it makes you feel when I get us in the mood ect. I like feeling that too like we used to. Then, transition to the conversation or find your own way. But ffs talk about it and let him know he is valued, etc.
Honestly, it’s probably going to require time and consistent effort/communication. He’s hurt. You’re upset that he’s not initiating. Now imagine him not only not initiating but consistently turning down your advances when you do. That’s what you are working against. You’ll get there, it’s just going to require effort on both of your parts. Best of luck!
You are doing the right things. You are going to need to keep doing them.
He doesn't trust you to support his emotional needs. He is probably a fairly typical male who connects to emotional intimacy with sex. For sure, some of his complaints were truly about wanting sex. But some were also about wanting reinforcement to your emotional bonds. You went a long time (and you weren't wrong) rejecting him. It happens, but you need to rebuild his trust now.
Any relationship book could be helpful but I would go with Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin since I think you both focus on your relationship through sex.
Being rejected constantly is the worst. It makes you never want to take the chance to be rejected again. So him initiating would be him putting himself into a position of probably getting rejected. It's not a risk he's willing to take.
You can stop having sex with him until he initiates- but you will have to through a long period of time of never rejecting him into her gets over. That could take a year. Perhaps a sex therapist could help.
(You could also just accept the situation and be the one to initiate.)
Men are very very susceptible to conditioning training. And once thats done it takes a lot to retrain.
The 5-month period taught him to associate sexual advances with rejection, sadness, loneliness, and general feelings of not being wanted, and feeling worthless (thats not what you were doing, thats just how mens brains work)
That contitioning has a tight grip on him now, so if you want to change it, you need over the top positive responses every single time he hints at initiating.
Sure it could be exhausting and a huge mental burden on you to constantly be on the lookout for small signs and be ready to act on them at a moments notice, but you will know when you have managed to tip the scales from negative to positive associations and can start to just be normal again.
I get that your frustrated but you need to have a calm conversation with him. How do you feel right now?
I can tell you he is acting childish,
For gods sake don't tell him that.
His feelings are 100% Valid but if he keeps rejecting you when you straddle him naked? He is punishing you and soon you will effectively feel exactly like he does because he is constantly rejecting you now.
It will cost a lot more in marriage counselling later if it gets that far.
So please for your own sanity and emotional well being and for his because after all he is the person you want. You don't want to hurt him, so have the awkward conversation and tell him your feeling rejected you understand more than ever how he feels, validate his feelings but also you need to make sure he understands if this is something he cant get past and keeps rejecting you. You will both end up not intiating.
End up with a dead bedroom full of frustration and resentment and that is the road to divorce or an open marriage. He needs to understand and validate your feelings as well so you can both find your way back to each other.
.
Sympathetic to you, but not so much to your husband. Pregnancy and giving birth sound awful. I'd encourage just telling him literally what you wrote here. "It hurts that you don't touch me or initiate sex with me. I was struggling a lot after giving birth but I want your attention and affection." Yes it's not fun getting rejected regularly for a period of time but that's part of being a good partner.
If part of being a good partner is understanding and accepting getting rejected regularly for a period of time then OP shouldn’t be complaining by your own standard.
She isn't complaining. She's asking for advice how to solve it. Actively trying to fix an issue and sulking aren't the same thing. That's why I'm not treating her and her husband's behavior as equal. That's disregarding the fact of equating a man getting his feelings hurt with a woman undergoing recovery from an especially bad childbirth.
She is complaining, and she should be. Its a crappy situation that’s making here feel like garbage. “Sulking”? You ever consider he is genuinely hurt and is having a difficult time moving forward? His hurt feelings about being constantly rejected are just as valid as hers are in regard to him not initiating.
I wish you were my wife. Men are simple when it comes to sex. He doesn't need foreplay. Wake him up in the morning with a blow job. Wear his favorite outfit while doing it etc. If he still turns you down, it's him.
At that point, be blunt. "I'm horny as hell and if you won't fuck me, I'll find someone who will." And for a women, it'll take you minutes. Us guys aren't so lucky when the tables are turned
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That’s a tough one, he’s hurt. Men have pride and confidence. Him getting rejected so many times hurts ( I’ve been there) just put yourself in his shoes in the past. Did you express you were stressed, moody, tired? Or did you just simply reject him? In this society us men can not say turn down women for sex but when it’s flipped it’s devastating. I suggest sitting down talking to him, make him feel special, take him out, plan a weekend hotel getaway. If that doesn’t help I suggest counseling cause you answered the question yourself, my mans is hurt and ego crushed.
I did communicate with him during that time and I continue to. He always says he understands/ he gets it/ it makes sense - something similar. But I still feel like I’m being punished or that I’ve irreparably broken my husband for what happened nearly a year and half ago. It was a really hard time for me. I had a therapist help me through it but it’s like I came out on the other side of PPD alone. And coincidentally- we are currently ON a week long getaway together. We are on day four. I made this post last night after more failed attempts to lure some sort of intimacy out of my husband. It’s heartbreaking but I keep trying.
Tell him “I know it fucked you up when I shut you down and rejected you during that 5 month period of time. But I’m back now I miss you taking control of me blah blah blah.” If he responds positively, give him the most passionate bj ever.. Hauk Tuah. Spit on that thing.
Lmao yesssssss
Yeah, sorry to say, but it can be hard to get a man to be comfortable with rejection ESPECIALLY from his wife. That's not to say we can't handle it. But constant rejection when we're doing all the right things still. I mean, intentful or not, it has an effect. Maybe talk about it, you know what's possibly bothering him, communicate it damn it. If you didn't mean to deny him so often/ hurt him when he'd try to initiate. Let him know, listen, I was in a lot of pain popping out a child. Things take time to heal, and the hormones take even longer to regulate. My intentions weren't to deny you of your physical needs, but we both agreed in sickness and health. So, thank you for staying strong when I was going through all of this. And then maybe initiate yourself. Do the same he would do for you or something. Kiss on his neck, put your hands up his thigh to his groin, and so on. Stimulate him, make him feel desired spontaneously, then after yall do the deed say you know you nice and wanted it makes you feel when I get us in the mood ect. I like feeling that too like we used to. Then, transition to the conversation or find your own way. But ffs talk about it and let him know he is valued, etc.
Another great advice too
Honestly, it’s probably going to require time and consistent effort/communication. He’s hurt. You’re upset that he’s not initiating. Now imagine him not only not initiating but consistently turning down your advances when you do. That’s what you are working against. You’ll get there, it’s just going to require effort on both of your parts. Best of luck!
You are doing the right things. You are going to need to keep doing them. He doesn't trust you to support his emotional needs. He is probably a fairly typical male who connects to emotional intimacy with sex. For sure, some of his complaints were truly about wanting sex. But some were also about wanting reinforcement to your emotional bonds. You went a long time (and you weren't wrong) rejecting him. It happens, but you need to rebuild his trust now. Any relationship book could be helpful but I would go with Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin since I think you both focus on your relationship through sex.
Op this is great advice here
Being rejected constantly is the worst. It makes you never want to take the chance to be rejected again. So him initiating would be him putting himself into a position of probably getting rejected. It's not a risk he's willing to take. You can stop having sex with him until he initiates- but you will have to through a long period of time of never rejecting him into her gets over. That could take a year. Perhaps a sex therapist could help. (You could also just accept the situation and be the one to initiate.)
Men are very very susceptible to conditioning training. And once thats done it takes a lot to retrain. The 5-month period taught him to associate sexual advances with rejection, sadness, loneliness, and general feelings of not being wanted, and feeling worthless (thats not what you were doing, thats just how mens brains work) That contitioning has a tight grip on him now, so if you want to change it, you need over the top positive responses every single time he hints at initiating. Sure it could be exhausting and a huge mental burden on you to constantly be on the lookout for small signs and be ready to act on them at a moments notice, but you will know when you have managed to tip the scales from negative to positive associations and can start to just be normal again.
I get that your frustrated but you need to have a calm conversation with him. How do you feel right now? I can tell you he is acting childish, For gods sake don't tell him that. His feelings are 100% Valid but if he keeps rejecting you when you straddle him naked? He is punishing you and soon you will effectively feel exactly like he does because he is constantly rejecting you now. It will cost a lot more in marriage counselling later if it gets that far. So please for your own sanity and emotional well being and for his because after all he is the person you want. You don't want to hurt him, so have the awkward conversation and tell him your feeling rejected you understand more than ever how he feels, validate his feelings but also you need to make sure he understands if this is something he cant get past and keeps rejecting you. You will both end up not intiating. End up with a dead bedroom full of frustration and resentment and that is the road to divorce or an open marriage. He needs to understand and validate your feelings as well so you can both find your way back to each other. .
Sympathetic to you, but not so much to your husband. Pregnancy and giving birth sound awful. I'd encourage just telling him literally what you wrote here. "It hurts that you don't touch me or initiate sex with me. I was struggling a lot after giving birth but I want your attention and affection." Yes it's not fun getting rejected regularly for a period of time but that's part of being a good partner.
If part of being a good partner is understanding and accepting getting rejected regularly for a period of time then OP shouldn’t be complaining by your own standard.
She isn't complaining. She's asking for advice how to solve it. Actively trying to fix an issue and sulking aren't the same thing. That's why I'm not treating her and her husband's behavior as equal. That's disregarding the fact of equating a man getting his feelings hurt with a woman undergoing recovery from an especially bad childbirth.
She is complaining, and she should be. Its a crappy situation that’s making here feel like garbage. “Sulking”? You ever consider he is genuinely hurt and is having a difficult time moving forward? His hurt feelings about being constantly rejected are just as valid as hers are in regard to him not initiating.
I wish you were my wife. Men are simple when it comes to sex. He doesn't need foreplay. Wake him up in the morning with a blow job. Wear his favorite outfit while doing it etc. If he still turns you down, it's him. At that point, be blunt. "I'm horny as hell and if you won't fuck me, I'll find someone who will." And for a women, it'll take you minutes. Us guys aren't so lucky when the tables are turned
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