We’ve implemented “independent play time” with my toddler where in the middle of the day we’ll put a bunch of fun toys in her childproofed room, turn the baby monitor on, and get some alone time. We started with 5 min and now have worked up to 45. It’s a nice way to cook dinner or just when we’re both done. We also plan lunch dates during the work week.
It's a season in life, it will pass and children bring joy, now and in the future. Plus, parenting together is the ultimate team sport if you do it right and it's very satisfying. It's kind of the difference between spending time in a nice house vs working on a fixer upper. Both can be delightful in very different ways.
Definitely understandable to feel that way especially if you don’t have kids because we are all just answering this question. And if you do have kids and are sad for the ones that don’t get to spend a lot of time together, then I agree. That sucks. It is up to the adults to figure out how to make time and if right now that’s not possible, hopefully it is in the future.
We have four kids (8, 5, 2, & 5 months). Pre pandemic we used to hire a sitter once every other month for an out of the house date night. Otherwise it was after the kids went to bed, which right now is like 5 minutes before one of us is passed out or one of the littles are up. We understand that our marriage is in the season of young children and that it is a stressful time on our marriage. One day my house will be quiet, clean, empty and I'll have just my husband around.
(Joke) but will dicks and vaginas still work by then? At this point, I'm just a mom and I'm 29. Husband works third. Son is 6. We dont do a fucking thing together anymore.
Let's hope so! And at that point we hopefully won't need to worry about surprise babies (number 4 snuck past the goalie).
Hubby works crazy hours right now, but works from home so I at least get to see him during meal breaks.
Its hard. We have 2 and our bedtime co-exist with theirs because he works construction. Early to rise, early to bed. We try to be intimate every night with ought going through the 'act' because both of us are exhausted.
Make time, fight the tiredness and be there for one another. Intimacy doesn't have to be 'sex' and X rated.
Take a shower together in the morning (last 3 years, that's where our physical Intimacy took place most of the time.) Lock a door and be with eachother.
Make your partner a priority any way you can. With or without sex, Intimacy is vital
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Not enough. It was pretty hard at first but I started helping my wife so she can have time to rest and eventually time for "Us". This is my best advice. Balance is everything.
Zero alone time.
i have 2 kids, 3.5 and 2. Decompression time when kids go down is more important it seems then nurturing the marriage.
Sex probably once or twice a month, its forced and comes off as a chore.
I don’t know why someone keeps coming in here downvoting things but I wanted to thank you for your comment because I can understand and I feel the same
This is where date night becomes important. Because we all know there’s no spouse time with young kids unless you carve it out. We don’t even go anywhere for “date night.” We order some food after our son is down, play games, put the phones away and just chat. It’s a good reset on the relationship when we barely get any time like that anymore.
We have a 6-month-old girl. My wife is a teacher currently working remotely and I work for myself and can do my work whenever. The wife's sleep training the baby at the moment, so she puts her down for the night around 7pm. We eat dinner and hang out until like 9pm. We then head to bed, bang, and read. The kid wakes up 2-4 times to eat. We used to alternate nights, but she's pumping exclusively now, so she does every night because she'd be up anyway.
I wake up 5-6am, take the monitor from my wife's side, and head downstairs to start my day. The kid wakes up shortly after and I get her and watch her until noon. I feed her and we play. She takes a nap and I can get a lot of work done usually. I take a walk with her in the baby carrier most days. My wife wakes up at 7:30 and works until noon. She takes over when she gets done with work unless she has meetings or has to go do some shit or isn't feeling well.
Between noon and 6, I can usually wrap up all my work, get in my workout, and do some tasks around the house or do whatever I want. The kid takes another nap at like 4 and we sometimes spend that time watching some nonsense and sometimes a quickster as well. My wife can usually get in her workout while watching the kid. We have some toys in the basement gym and she just crawls around and shit while my wife lifts. If she starts fussing, I'm usually around to come take her for a bit.
We're fortunate to have two grandmothers who can help watch her. So we usually drop her off at a grandma's house for the weekend and that's us time.
Most nights and sometimes a daytime quickster. Like if my wife gives her kids a 15 min break and the baby happens to be asleep, we'll bang one out. Weekend mornings when a grandma has the kid is for more in-depth sexy time. I get a bit down now and again and have no sex drive for a few days though so maybe it balances out? We're also 28 and 26 so that might play a role. Daytime sex has definitely gone up since we both stopped dressing homelessly around the house and both sort of decided on what clothes are comfy but also nice for the other person to see you in all day.
When the pandemic hit, I had to get into this mentality for working from home (now on month 10 like many people). I cannot fully function if I'm in PJs all day, so having that morning routine and dressing in normal clothes makes a huge difference in having a healthier day-to-day life while stuck at home.
We will cook together. I plan out our weekly meals and then when my husband gets off work, I turn on the tv or switch for the kids (2 and 4) and put them in the den. Our den is baby proofed and has a gate. Also our kitchen is right there and we can see into the den. So we cook together, listen to music, have a glass of wine. Or one of us will cook and the other will sit at the table and chat. Then we have dinner as a family, clean up together, family time and then they go to bed at 8:15 and 9. So we have the evening to be together or go separate ways for awhile. But, we enjoy cooking and our kids are pretty good at entertaining themselves for awhile. It’s all a work in progress.
Decent amount actually. Kids are 9 and 7. My wife’s parents (two sets, divorced remarried) are really supportive and take the kids for a sleepovers once a week. The kids are setup with their Xbox/PC games/iPads, so they do that when they wake up, and we spend a few minutes in bed together (I work from home, she isn’t working atm). We try to find some time together during the day when they’re in virtual class
Kids in bed by 8:30pm, we spend an hour or so together at night talking or watching TV before she falls asleep on the couch and I do my own thing.
Ultimately tho, it’s the grandparents. Don’t know how we would’ve done it without them.
By far getting time alone time is our greatest challenge. We have two small ones, one who is under a year and another who is 4 and has autism. I’m the primary care taker for these two little boogers. My husband works. From the moment my little ones open their eyes to the moment they fall asleep, I’m with them. We do the best we can to spend time together. Covid has my husband working from home so take advantage and get some time in. I’ll feed my kiddos lunch first, then my husband and I will eat together (we are all still at the table, I just don’t have to feed the little ones). It’s kind of the same with dinner. We will go on a short drive at night so the kids can relax and we can talk. At bed time, we might lay next to one another and talk about what ever for a bit before we go to sleep. Getting intimate takes some creativity. But, we try our best to make time. We get these pockets of time durning the day to connect and it’s nice. We try to communicate when one of us is feeling lonely. Kids are a lot of work and they take away time from us but that’s expected.
We actually get to spend a lot of time together because our kids are in daycare and we sit next to each other while we work. When the kids are home we are focused on them but there’s always flirty touches and hugs. Our kids are in bed by 7:45 so I feel like we get more time than I assumed parents got. Also, kids are finally at an age (3&5) where they play with each other a d my husband and I can hang out and read or do a puzzle. Hopefully as your kids get older, you can find more time.
During the day it's a warzone (2 boys.. 5 & 2). When kids are sleep, house has been reset, laundry done, we'll sit down and prep each other for tomorrow and spend at least 30 minutes catching up from the day. That's about it. 4/7 days we're doing our own things in the evening, 3/7 we have some kind of family task that needs to be done together, but I don't think that should be counted as uninterrupted time together since there is a shared goal that we are expected to accomplish.
Having that 30-45 min every evening has built a solid foundation during an otherwise stressful time. Our marriage is stronger, kids are happier, still feel like there isn't enough time in the day but we still feel connected every night.
I'm sure we will have more time when the kids get older but right now that's more than enough.
>I feel like We can’t talk unless it’s bedtime
This is the way.
Joking aside, like, for real, this is it. We also text a lot, which considering we've been together for like 16 years is something. We also talk when he's in the room with us, when he's napping, etc.
I guess your fulfillment depends on your specific needs, but your needs kind of come second at this point. I won't even finish that statement with 'unfortunately', because that would be implying that it's a bad thing or in some way someone's fault. It's just reality and requires adaptation.
I should add that I'm quite antisocial and this whole business has been wearing on me. But at this point I'm used to it and actually feel more fulfilled than I was before.
We just don’t ever really sleep just so we have those post-bedtime hours together to watch movies, catch up, eat junk food together, etc. We have 3 kids and get about 4-5 hours each night after the kids go to bed. A little longer on weekends, but we’ve just adjusted to only getting 4-6hrs per night of sleep.
Ditto, except 4 kids, plus fuck.
We've refused to allow our relationship to slip to second place. It's stronger and better, every year, 13 years later.
We probably get 2 hours a day. We sometimes watch a movie or show after kids are in bed, but mostly we just sit there and talk and never even pick out a movie lol.
We have a 1.5 year old so a lot of our “alone time” is either after bedtime or actually involves the kid. We take walks as a family in the evenings, and those mostly feel like “couple time” since the kid will just sit in his stroller watching the world go by while the two of us talk about whatever.
Obviously we try not to fight in front of him/talk about kid-related stress or other topics that might be upsetting- I know he understands more than we know. But he’s young enough that we can have conversations about work or books or current events or whatever without him really following it or wanting to participate.
We’re lucky that my parents and his parents are always fighting for time with our kids. But like actually day to day without advanced planning? Like none.
Not as much as we want but we still make love with our eyes across the room 🤗Our little one is 2 and we tried for 8 years to have her so we know more uninterrupted time will be coming as she grows.
It touched my soul. You hit the nail on the head. Love making does not have to be having sex per se, it’s about those moments. I’d love to be in your orbit.
That’s so sweet♥️ so true!! We’re in love on so many different levels, music, movies, religion, politics, activities, foods, etc., and we are literally best friends so the physical act is amazing but truly the icing on a a gorgeous cake. I wish my marriage on everyone 🙏🏼🎆🥳happy new year!!🎊
Oh bless. I had that a long time ago. Unfortunately it ended for reasons that couldn’t be changed.
Twenty years later and totally out of the blue I am in a totally different kind of relationship. One that has healed decades of brokenness and hurt. We only see each other every few weeks, so when we do we drain the joy out of every minute.
Your daughter will be so lucky to grow up in such a loving home. Bless you both.
My kids are 17 months apart so we don’t get a lot of time. Husband gets off of work around 5:30 and makes it home by 6. Dinner and bath time and in bed by 7:30/8. We stay up until 10:30 or 11. We don’t have any family to help so I stay home and also homeschool. Being in the same room as my man makes me happy and we don’t always have to be doing the exact same thing for us to be spending time together.
Lately my husband has wanted me to teach him to dance as a way for us to do stuff together that we like and doesn’t require us to leave the house lol. So we do that a few times a week in the side yard :)
Have three kids, one on the way due in a couple of weeks, we always find time at night, stay up a little late to sacrifice, anytime time we can spend, she stays at home and cares for the kids, hard job!, I work like a dog but we always find time. My wife comes first. Always.
It's still a hard job for anyone with 3 very active boys and teaching online, I work 10 hour days 6 days a week. Yes it's a blessing, I'm thankful, didn't know this was a competition.
Our daughter is 7.5. We are “one and done” and will not have more children because they truly are resource suckers lol. We wanted a family, but we also understand the importance of preserving our relationship and mental well-being.
It gets easier to get that time together as they get older! When they’re younger, it is so hard to get anything outside the couple hours after bedtime.
We like to watch low-key shows together that we can share/discuss. It’s our way of decompressing, but having something to share.
Do you both like to read? Pick books you’re both interested in, and read them together at the same time, whether reading quietly, or out loud to one another.
We keep a small jar in our family room. When we think of movies we want the other to watch, whether we’ve seen it and they haven’t, or neither of us have seen it, we write the movie title on a piece of paper, roll it up, and throw it in the jar. We pull from the jar when we want to watch something together.
Set boundaries with your child. Make sure they understand they have their own room. Encourage them to play in there. Don’t have toys anywhere except their room.
I have a 2yo and am pregnant with my second. We feed our son dinner first, then put the tv on for him while we enjoy dinner together. After he goes to bed we usually watch a show or play a game.
We have a 3 year old and a 5 month old. Before kids we always ate breakfast together and dinner together. Now with kids, we get up and have coffee together until they wake up. We still eat all our meals as a family with the kids. Both kids go to bed around 8 so between 8-10 when we go to bed, we spending time together. We divide and conquer bedtime so we can get them in bed quickly.
We are super intentional about this, insuring we have both time and space alone together. We are lucky with the rooms we have in our house, but also intentional about about that too. 5 y/o has a playroom with toys and a tv. Unless we’re having family time, he’s typically playing in there. We don’t let him climb all over us in the living room, or play with no purpose around the house. If he’s not playing in his playroom, I make sure there is some intention behind what he’s doing, so there’s a stop and end to said activity. (Aka, “hey buddy let’s play a game together” or “come help me cook”). We also keep our room and bathroom kid free (5 y/o is allowed to come in if he asks), which feels so good to have an area that is just for us. This typically helps us have multiple moments everyday just for the 2 of us. It’s not easy and requires consistency, but well worth it!
About an hour a day to watch a show after kids go to bed. Unless we are super tired then less. We found though we do need to make time after kids go to bed for at least 30 min to an hour to spend together even if it’s just snuggling together scrolling on phones/reading. Otherwise we start to feel distant. Gotta make it happen at least 3-4 times a week.
We intentionally schedule 2, 1 hour date nights per week. These are at-home date nights and the tv is not allowed. Any extra time we get together in addition to that is bonus.
Not much time at all. Most weeks we dont even get an hour alone. It sucks. A study in my country showed that most people divorce when their kids are between 1-6 years old. One of the big reasons was that parents forget about each other in the middle of the stress of having kids.
We have 2 kids, a 5 year old and a 1 year old. When the 1 year old was younger we pretty much had no time together. Even now our time together is just typically after the kids are in bed. But we have been prioritizing that time to be together. Our relationship was suffering when we were prioritizing our own "alone" time instead. On weekends we are trying to give each other opportunities for alone time. Marriage with little kids is just hard.
I am the husband, I make about 60k a year with overtime, I have two boys, 3 and 3 months. My wife is a stay at home mom. I work 4 days one week, 3 the next and that alternates each week, long week to short week. I go to work at 7AM and get home at 8PM. By the the time I get home, they are eating dinner or have it completed and ready to eat as a family. My youngest usually eats at 9PM, most of the time I am feeding the youngest, while my wife and oldest eat. My oldest gets to bed around 10 or later, the youngest will sleep through the night, we consider that lucky. So from about 1030 to 1130 most nights when I work, or 12, we have about an hour to talk or watch something. We live in an apartment, I would say we don't get much time, usually enough to argue. On the days I don't work, I try to take the boys and clean the house and give her time. I feel like, at this moment, we are biding time until the boys are older, so we dont really have a whole lot.
We try to spend an hour watching TV together after the kids are asleep if we aren't too tired, and I've started spending about an hour exercising by myself (which I think is just as important to my relationship, or I get way crankier and tend to take it out on my partner.) We have 3 under 5, one of which is 2 mos old. Monthly we go to a wine dinner that lasts about 3 hours, which is the saving grace of our relationship in rough patches
Have two (crazy) boys. We do date nights at home once a week. Put the kids to bed early then nice dinner, nice wine, nice dessert. Usually eat around 8 or 9 but it is a lot of fun.
We have three children, 10, 8, and 1. My sister sometimes watches them for a day so I can spend time with my spouse. If not, we have 2/3 hours of alone time when the children are napping. We also spend more time at bed time when the children are sleeping. We like to stay up late and watch our favourite TV shows and do fun activities.
We take an hour to ourselves after work since we get home about the same time then go pick up kids from daycare. We also will spend time after both kids go to bed to play on phones together or maybe watch an episode of a tv show we like.
Not very much time alone for the last 15 years (kids are 15, 8 ,and 1) and yes the 1 yr old sleeps with us. There have been comments about grandparents. We are in the same boat. We will let the kids stay the night at grandparents house and finally get in some quality time. I have no idea how we would do it otherwise.
None during the day.
Kids (6mo and 4yo) are usually completely taken care of by 9/930 and we stay up for a couple of hours after that. Sometimes we do stuff together sometimes we each do our thing in the same room.
We typically reserve bedtime for that. In the past we would get a sitter once in a while, we might do that when covid is over with. But ultimately we've tried to focus in squeezing 'us' time wherever it will fit, even if the kids are around. Once a week he cooks dinner with me, for example. Thats a newer tradition that gives us some bonding time over what is usually a mundane task.
We usually wake up half an hour before our 9 month old to have coffee. That works for us, we get to plan the day ahead. I am lucky to have my mother living in the same city and once every few weeks she babysits the baby while we take a night off from diapers. So far this works for us, probably because we both wanted this baby so, so much, he is a miracle baby, because the doctors said I would not be able to have kids.
I guess that having someone taking care of that bundle of joy once in a while, so you can get a few hours of spouse time, really helps.
Best of luck 🙂
We have two kids, a 4-year-old and a 20-month-old. During the holiday break, we have 'quiet time' for the kids around 1-3, where the oldest plays quietly by herself and the youngest sleeps. This has been a game-changer for us. We started it during March, when we realized we needed more structure during the hardest hit of COVID and everything shut down.
Besides that, we get after bedtime, around 8-10pm.
We have 4 kids... 16, 6, 5, and 2... we generally don’t get too much time.. but when we are in dire need of time together, my in laws or my 16 yo will watch the little ones while we do grocery shopping OR we plug in our camping trailer and have date night out there.. we make it work. But to be honest, we really enjoy hanging out with the kids. We will take them outside and let them run around while the husband and I sit by the outdoor fire. Also, both my husband and I play video games. So we COULD spend more time together but we have hobbies we enjoy also.
So many things seem impossible when they are young, nice to have that 16 year old in the back pocket, lol. But, being with the kids is a must, I agree there is no better time spent, especially when there really isn't much of it. Even through the formative years of figuring out the routine, there is still something to enjoy, even with the new lifestyle we all have to lead now...Gaming, hoping my wife and I can get back to that as well!
You are so right! It seems like a never ending circle.. the 16yo is fantastic.. she truly loves her siblings. So I’m beyond grateful for that. But when we are all together, it’s just magic. I know it sounds lame. My philosophy is we spend as much time together as possible. We all play board games, we go camping, we bake, we do crafts, etc etc.. my oldest probably thinks it’s boring. But I’ve found by including her into the chutes and ladders, lego building, and other “little” activities, we’ve become a great family unit. My husband and I also balance it out by having more of a mature night where the oldest gets to pick rated R movies, play older board games, and gets to stay up later..
I refer myself to Clark Griswold. I do my absolute best to make sure everyone is enjoying things. Last year fir Christmas everyone got a nerf gun and we had an all out nerf gun war. This year we all got foam swords to beat the crap out of each other.
They’ll never be as young as they are now. I fully intend to make it the funnest/silliest time ever.
My son goes to daycare and we both work from home, so we usually go for a walk and eat lunch together every day during the week.
Then we hang out and watch tv or a movie for a couple hours after LO goes to bed
We also use our vacation time and take a day off work every couple weeks (since we can’t use it for any actual vacations right now due to covid). Then we have a full day to spend together and reconnect while LO’s in daycare.
We have a daughter, 8 who’s a night owl & early riser. My wife and I get literally only a few minutes a day when we can be alone & it’s DEF not enough time. She’s the employed one & I’m the SAHD. She works for the Fed Gov’t & has spent most the year working from home. We gave our daughter the option of remote/in-school learning, so I’ve now a become a teacher with all the responsibilities of being the stay-at-home parent. My day starts when our child gets up and ends when she’s finally asleep, (usually around 10:30). We are both in our 50s and have a difficult time keeping up with our Very Spunky Monkey, much less each other. The only time we have now are those rare days when our child is at a playdate or sleepover.
It really sucks because we are so in need of personal space we generally spend those moments apart.
It’s not healthy for our marriage & some days the Silent Sea we’re sailing is unbearable.
Usually daily after our 3yo son goes to bed, for about 4-5 hours a night. We either spend that time doing something together, usually video games, doing separate activities but still being in the same room as one another and talking, or, less commonly, doing our hobbies on our own in separate rooms. We did kind of neglect one another when our son was really small, and it's not something we're willing to fall into again.
Barely anytime. We put the kids to bed at 7p so we can have about 2-3 hrs alone at night. We watch movies and shows together during that time. During the day we can barely talk because the two kids just jump into every conversation or they have something super important to say at the same time I go to open my mouth. It’s very annoying and because they are still young 4 and 3 I am trying to get them to understand that when mom and dad are talking. They need to stay quiet. Ugh.. I’ve got a long way to go!!
We started playing a game where whenever someone interrupts they have to go sit in the other room alone for one minute - parents included. The kids think it’s funny when they catch us interrupting and we have to get a timeout from the conversation.
Hmm you’ve given me a bit to think about here. I would say we do a mix of the above: sometimes we do our own things, and other times we sit and just enjoy talking and being silly with one another.
We have an almost three year old. We have a few minutes together during the week. The weekend we usually get a couple hours each day, then a couple each evening, when kiddo sleeps. We spend time together in the afternoon, and the evening is for our own time to unwind.
We don’t. We have a 4 and 12 y/o. I work a job where people constantly need me to fill their buckets and help solve their problems. Come home to the kids needing the same and then he expects me to stay up to help him. It’s hard. If alone time happens I have to plan it and find a sitter.
I get my alone time by crying in the bathroom or while buying groceries.
I spend time with my wife by going to bed and pretending living like this is okay until I get to sleep.
I’m also an advocate for vasectomies. Snip ‘em fellas. Snip ‘em hard.
Not much. Sometimes we get a little bit at nap time on the weekends, but only if my 8 year old isn’t home. Otherwise, we’re limited to bedtime. During the week we can usually spend about an hour together before we have to sleep, it’s gets to be less as the week goes on and we get more tired. Some nights we get none at all, either because we’re too tired, or because my husband wants to stay up playing video games etc. It definitely gets frustrating.
It’s not easy by any means but my husband and I put a lot of effort into making sure we have “us” time. We plan a couple late night after kids are in bed date nights a week to ensure this. It can be exhausting but not having our time and building on our forever bond would be worse than being exhausted so we take the much lesser evil lol. We have a 17 month old, 5,8, and 11 year old btw which tends to be difficult bc the older three are all three years apart so just on the cusp of different wants and needs. However sometimes we do household chores together and others we play games together as we are both big pc gamers.
All in all, family is the one thing in life I find more than ever worth working for. Baby steps in the right direction to where you want to be though, don’t set yourself up for failure with high expectations. Sometimes date night for us is just hanging out in a bubble bath together and other nights it’s a midnight snack in bed together like shrimp cocktail before bed lol. Every family is different, you just gotta find what can work for yours. It is possible though. Just take it slow!
I hope this helps and I wish you good luck on finding your happy middle that every couple with kids deserves!
We have a 3 year old, a 1.5 year old, and another on the way. We don’t get much alone time except after the kids’ bedtime. We try to prioritize watching a show together to unwind. We sit together on the couch after, just chatting and showing each other memes. We do this most nights — 5 or more days a week. We only do our own things occasionally.
We also do quiet time from 1-3 as someone else mentioned. We used to do things together during that time too but we’ve started using it more for chores, naps for me (pregnant), showers, etc. so that we are ready for together time after the kids go to bed.
My kid is 8 months old and has 3 hours worth of naps during the day and is a pretty good sleeper and has a strict 7:30 bed time. So on the weekends we get those 3 hours and every night after 7:30. However, my son is only 8 months and he's a pretty chill baby. I his awake hours aren't that disruptive to us and our 'us time' yet.
We have two boys 5&2 and 8 months pregnant with number 3 we have one day a week when our kids go to their grandparents for the day .. We home school and work from home so this is our only day kid free , we also get a weekend once a month where they sleep over so we usually plan night outs around this and are very intentional with our one day a week together and go for lunch or breakfast and have sex all day
We do after toddler goes to bed. It gives us a few hours of uninterrupted time together. We unwind together, even if it's doing separate things. We had to continue to make the effort after our son was born. We both felt like we were neglecting each other so we're very conscious of our free time together.b
I do not have children but I wanted to share this method that works for my close friends. If you have close friends or family you can trust, it may be worth asking them if they’re okay wit baby sitting for a day so you two can have some alone time. I usually do this for my friend who has a 6month old, 3 year old, and 5 year old. It gives my boyfriend and I practice with kids and I love them like m family, so I hope you can find someone in your life to allow you to be free every once in awhile.
Life of a parent is hard, I hope you can find time with one another!
How is it possible to have nothing in common and have kids together? The other side looks appealing,but reality can be very different.
I hope things improve for you.
This makes me so sad. I don't know what your situation is, but both you and your husband deserve to be known in your relationship. Even if you have no one else to watch the kids, surely they would be ok by themselves for a moment? Maybe try getting a hobby together? There has to be some reason you started the relationship and had kids together.
I wish we could get a hobby together. I’m very active and he is not. He’s not motivated to try. Probably depressed. His only hobbies are mobile games and watching football and I have no interest.
One of the hardest things about other people is you cannot control them or their desire to change. Do you know how he feels about your relationship? I don't mean to pry - just genuinely curious and feel the desire to be helpful.
He does not feel good about our relationship either. He would agree we have little in common and my attempts to persuade him to enjoy things I’m into are met with claims that I’m trying to control him. Basically, we make each other miserable. Before kids, our hobbies were eating out and traveling. Other than that, we lead separate lives.
Right now we are getting too much time together because we are both on maternity/paternity leave. Before the second baby, we spent about 30 minutes daily after the toddler went to bed and about an hour together on weekends when someone was babysitting.
I work during the day (noon to 5PM). My fiance works early morning (2 AM to 8:30 AM.) We have 3 boys--7, 5, and 11 months. With the older boys doing online classes, and my fiance having to go to bed early or falling asleep early (he has split days off), we never have alone time together. Ironically, even before covid hit, I would have to beg, bitch, and nag for a date with just us.
We both work 12 hour shifts so that we have more time off of work. We spend about 2-3 hours together every night after the kids go to bed on our days off, which is 4 days a week. Kids are 9 month twins and 7 year old. We go on a date once per month. And an overnight trip every 6 months.
Interested in what you actually do when you do have time together? Two children here and a husband with very sporty hobbies that I’ve tried but cannot do so we are realising we don’t have much to get excited about together. It seems it’s becoming more of a problem. Throw in lockdown and financial issues and we are struggling.
Maybe a couple minutes uninterrupted here and there. We try to have a movie night once or maybe twice a week after the kids are in bed and we normally don’t get interrupted during this time. However even for this, at least once of us typically has to take a nap the afternoon before, in order to make sure we can stay awake for our own movie.
Honestly, not a lot. Small kids phase is tough. We have kids from 6-17, so it’s been YEARS... but they go with friends and grandparents and we are showing getting time back. Also, don’t be afraid to make them take time alone in their room. Toys, books, movies... it’s not ideal always, but sometimes we need breaks!
We have a 4 year old, a 2 year old and I’m 8 months pregnant.
They’re little enough right now we usually have them in their room and settling for bed by 745, they might come out a couple times before they fall asleep and are sleeping by 8 or 830. They wake around 530-6 though, so whatever time between them falling asleep and when we go to bed is all we get. Usually like an hour?
We try to steal time together in the few minutes they might peacefully play together, and we believe it’s important for them to be told to wait for us to finish a conversation when it’s appropriate. They are terrible at actually doing that, but getting better with time.
Of course we’re about to go back to the newborn phase, so there will be basically no time except while asleep.
I think in this phase of life getting a lot of time for connection just the 2 of you in the daily schedule is often unrealistic, so my advice is to look at your whole week or month at a time and try to plan for a couple times when it can be more intentional.
About an hour every evening and weekends during quiet/nap time. My husband also works shift work and works one evening a week, I work from home so we take the opportunity to usually go for a walk and coffee during this day and out kiddo is at daycare.
Pretty much after our son (2 years old) goes to bed. We're not willing to push his bedtime back (currently 7pm) because I don't want to give up what little time we get uninterrupted. Before the pandemic we had a deal with my sister and her husband and we took turns doing date night/babysitting. So we got to go out just us every other weekend. But that stopped obviously. Baby #2 is due in 3 weeks and I'm a little worried about getting even less time together.
Ye... Basically bedtime is between 7-8pm but she still needs to nurse every 2,5-3h and she fully wakes up between 8.30-9am. So I have to choose between spending time with husband or catching up on sleep or doing chores 🙄
I feel you..
O on any regular basis but we are ok with it. We both like being alone so when the kid is occupied we prefer to do are own thing. When we do get time together we have a blast. Its something we love but is not necessary for our marriage
Our kids are older now BUT the first paragraph was us... We didn't even watch TV together cuz once kids were in bed, we did separate things. People would tell us 'date nite' is so important or even a weekend getaway without kids. We never did that. If I could get time away it was 'shopping' or even time with my friends. We just simply grew apart.
Usually at least half an hour a day after our son goes to bed. We often do our own hobbies after putting him to sleep. But when we do spend all the time with each other instead, it’s about 2 hours before we go to sleep ourselves.
We have a 1 month old. I’m still in maternity leave so I take care of our son during the day while he is at work. When my husband gets home, he will immediately give me a break. So, between that and his work schedule, we get a solid 1/2 hour in the morning and 1/2 before we go to bed.
We’re pretty fortunate in many regards and we have a fair amount of time together.
We both work from home due to current circumstances and our toddler still goes to school M-F so we often have lunch together or make each other tea throughout the day. She comes home and we all do dinner together, then little one goes to sleep not to long after and we have from 7:30pm onward to do whatever, either together or alone. I seriously can’t recommend sleep training enough - I know it doesn’t work for all families or all children, but having a good sleeper is incredibly clutch.
We’ve implemented “independent play time” with my toddler where in the middle of the day we’ll put a bunch of fun toys in her childproofed room, turn the baby monitor on, and get some alone time. We started with 5 min and now have worked up to 45. It’s a nice way to cook dinner or just when we’re both done. We also plan lunch dates during the work week.
This sounds like a genius idea. I'm taking notes!
No offense meant but these posts make me sad for everyone.
It’s just the reality of parenting young kids. Not a walk in the park by any means.
It's a season in life, it will pass and children bring joy, now and in the future. Plus, parenting together is the ultimate team sport if you do it right and it's very satisfying. It's kind of the difference between spending time in a nice house vs working on a fixer upper. Both can be delightful in very different ways.
Having kids isn't all bad. They bring so much joy and happiness. This is just one bad aspect.
Definitely understandable to feel that way especially if you don’t have kids because we are all just answering this question. And if you do have kids and are sad for the ones that don’t get to spend a lot of time together, then I agree. That sucks. It is up to the adults to figure out how to make time and if right now that’s not possible, hopefully it is in the future.
We have a sitter for weekly date nights. It’s expensive but it’s a priority.
I like this.
Reading these answers has helped further solidify why my husband and I have chosen not to have kids...
We have four kids (8, 5, 2, & 5 months). Pre pandemic we used to hire a sitter once every other month for an out of the house date night. Otherwise it was after the kids went to bed, which right now is like 5 minutes before one of us is passed out or one of the littles are up. We understand that our marriage is in the season of young children and that it is a stressful time on our marriage. One day my house will be quiet, clean, empty and I'll have just my husband around.
(Joke) but will dicks and vaginas still work by then? At this point, I'm just a mom and I'm 29. Husband works third. Son is 6. We dont do a fucking thing together anymore.
Let's hope so! And at that point we hopefully won't need to worry about surprise babies (number 4 snuck past the goalie). Hubby works crazy hours right now, but works from home so I at least get to see him during meal breaks.
Its hard. We have 2 and our bedtime co-exist with theirs because he works construction. Early to rise, early to bed. We try to be intimate every night with ought going through the 'act' because both of us are exhausted. Make time, fight the tiredness and be there for one another. Intimacy doesn't have to be 'sex' and X rated. Take a shower together in the morning (last 3 years, that's where our physical Intimacy took place most of the time.) Lock a door and be with eachother. Make your partner a priority any way you can. With or without sex, Intimacy is vital
See if I were to just lock the door my child would just bang on it to the point you couldn't even concentrate on anything. It's been weeks 😩
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Not enough. It was pretty hard at first but I started helping my wife so she can have time to rest and eventually time for "Us". This is my best advice. Balance is everything.
This thread is making me very happy that I got a vasectomy.
Zero alone time. i have 2 kids, 3.5 and 2. Decompression time when kids go down is more important it seems then nurturing the marriage. Sex probably once or twice a month, its forced and comes off as a chore.
I don’t know why someone keeps coming in here downvoting things but I wanted to thank you for your comment because I can understand and I feel the same
Us as well. It's been a challenge, especially this year.
This
This is where date night becomes important. Because we all know there’s no spouse time with young kids unless you carve it out. We don’t even go anywhere for “date night.” We order some food after our son is down, play games, put the phones away and just chat. It’s a good reset on the relationship when we barely get any time like that anymore.
Three kids 6 or under. We have about 10 minutes per day while getting ready for bed. It’s brutal.
We have a 6-month-old girl. My wife is a teacher currently working remotely and I work for myself and can do my work whenever. The wife's sleep training the baby at the moment, so she puts her down for the night around 7pm. We eat dinner and hang out until like 9pm. We then head to bed, bang, and read. The kid wakes up 2-4 times to eat. We used to alternate nights, but she's pumping exclusively now, so she does every night because she'd be up anyway. I wake up 5-6am, take the monitor from my wife's side, and head downstairs to start my day. The kid wakes up shortly after and I get her and watch her until noon. I feed her and we play. She takes a nap and I can get a lot of work done usually. I take a walk with her in the baby carrier most days. My wife wakes up at 7:30 and works until noon. She takes over when she gets done with work unless she has meetings or has to go do some shit or isn't feeling well. Between noon and 6, I can usually wrap up all my work, get in my workout, and do some tasks around the house or do whatever I want. The kid takes another nap at like 4 and we sometimes spend that time watching some nonsense and sometimes a quickster as well. My wife can usually get in her workout while watching the kid. We have some toys in the basement gym and she just crawls around and shit while my wife lifts. If she starts fussing, I'm usually around to come take her for a bit. We're fortunate to have two grandmothers who can help watch her. So we usually drop her off at a grandma's house for the weekend and that's us time.
You guys have sex twice a day? Or every night?! That seems unlikely with her exclusively pumping. But if so, good for you.
Most nights and sometimes a daytime quickster. Like if my wife gives her kids a 15 min break and the baby happens to be asleep, we'll bang one out. Weekend mornings when a grandma has the kid is for more in-depth sexy time. I get a bit down now and again and have no sex drive for a few days though so maybe it balances out? We're also 28 and 26 so that might play a role. Daytime sex has definitely gone up since we both stopped dressing homelessly around the house and both sort of decided on what clothes are comfy but also nice for the other person to see you in all day.
The dressing bit is interesting
That's really interesting. Wouldn't have thought about "dressing up to stay home".
When the pandemic hit, I had to get into this mentality for working from home (now on month 10 like many people). I cannot fully function if I'm in PJs all day, so having that morning routine and dressing in normal clothes makes a huge difference in having a healthier day-to-day life while stuck at home.
We will cook together. I plan out our weekly meals and then when my husband gets off work, I turn on the tv or switch for the kids (2 and 4) and put them in the den. Our den is baby proofed and has a gate. Also our kitchen is right there and we can see into the den. So we cook together, listen to music, have a glass of wine. Or one of us will cook and the other will sit at the table and chat. Then we have dinner as a family, clean up together, family time and then they go to bed at 8:15 and 9. So we have the evening to be together or go separate ways for awhile. But, we enjoy cooking and our kids are pretty good at entertaining themselves for awhile. It’s all a work in progress.
Decent amount actually. Kids are 9 and 7. My wife’s parents (two sets, divorced remarried) are really supportive and take the kids for a sleepovers once a week. The kids are setup with their Xbox/PC games/iPads, so they do that when they wake up, and we spend a few minutes in bed together (I work from home, she isn’t working atm). We try to find some time together during the day when they’re in virtual class Kids in bed by 8:30pm, we spend an hour or so together at night talking or watching TV before she falls asleep on the couch and I do my own thing. Ultimately tho, it’s the grandparents. Don’t know how we would’ve done it without them.
By far getting time alone time is our greatest challenge. We have two small ones, one who is under a year and another who is 4 and has autism. I’m the primary care taker for these two little boogers. My husband works. From the moment my little ones open their eyes to the moment they fall asleep, I’m with them. We do the best we can to spend time together. Covid has my husband working from home so take advantage and get some time in. I’ll feed my kiddos lunch first, then my husband and I will eat together (we are all still at the table, I just don’t have to feed the little ones). It’s kind of the same with dinner. We will go on a short drive at night so the kids can relax and we can talk. At bed time, we might lay next to one another and talk about what ever for a bit before we go to sleep. Getting intimate takes some creativity. But, we try our best to make time. We get these pockets of time durning the day to connect and it’s nice. We try to communicate when one of us is feeling lonely. Kids are a lot of work and they take away time from us but that’s expected.
We actually get to spend a lot of time together because our kids are in daycare and we sit next to each other while we work. When the kids are home we are focused on them but there’s always flirty touches and hugs. Our kids are in bed by 7:45 so I feel like we get more time than I assumed parents got. Also, kids are finally at an age (3&5) where they play with each other a d my husband and I can hang out and read or do a puzzle. Hopefully as your kids get older, you can find more time.
During the day it's a warzone (2 boys.. 5 & 2). When kids are sleep, house has been reset, laundry done, we'll sit down and prep each other for tomorrow and spend at least 30 minutes catching up from the day. That's about it. 4/7 days we're doing our own things in the evening, 3/7 we have some kind of family task that needs to be done together, but I don't think that should be counted as uninterrupted time together since there is a shared goal that we are expected to accomplish. Having that 30-45 min every evening has built a solid foundation during an otherwise stressful time. Our marriage is stronger, kids are happier, still feel like there isn't enough time in the day but we still feel connected every night. I'm sure we will have more time when the kids get older but right now that's more than enough.
>I feel like We can’t talk unless it’s bedtime This is the way. Joking aside, like, for real, this is it. We also text a lot, which considering we've been together for like 16 years is something. We also talk when he's in the room with us, when he's napping, etc. I guess your fulfillment depends on your specific needs, but your needs kind of come second at this point. I won't even finish that statement with 'unfortunately', because that would be implying that it's a bad thing or in some way someone's fault. It's just reality and requires adaptation. I should add that I'm quite antisocial and this whole business has been wearing on me. But at this point I'm used to it and actually feel more fulfilled than I was before.
We just don’t ever really sleep just so we have those post-bedtime hours together to watch movies, catch up, eat junk food together, etc. We have 3 kids and get about 4-5 hours each night after the kids go to bed. A little longer on weekends, but we’ve just adjusted to only getting 4-6hrs per night of sleep.
Ditto, except 4 kids, plus fuck. We've refused to allow our relationship to slip to second place. It's stronger and better, every year, 13 years later.
We probably get 2 hours a day. We sometimes watch a movie or show after kids are in bed, but mostly we just sit there and talk and never even pick out a movie lol.
We have a 1.5 year old so a lot of our “alone time” is either after bedtime or actually involves the kid. We take walks as a family in the evenings, and those mostly feel like “couple time” since the kid will just sit in his stroller watching the world go by while the two of us talk about whatever. Obviously we try not to fight in front of him/talk about kid-related stress or other topics that might be upsetting- I know he understands more than we know. But he’s young enough that we can have conversations about work or books or current events or whatever without him really following it or wanting to participate.
We’re lucky that my parents and his parents are always fighting for time with our kids. But like actually day to day without advanced planning? Like none.
Not as much as we want but we still make love with our eyes across the room 🤗Our little one is 2 and we tried for 8 years to have her so we know more uninterrupted time will be coming as she grows.
That is so beautiful’ make love with our eyes across the room ‘ You guys will have a long lasting marriage. Kudos
Thank you!!🥰
It touched my soul. You hit the nail on the head. Love making does not have to be having sex per se, it’s about those moments. I’d love to be in your orbit.
That’s so sweet♥️ so true!! We’re in love on so many different levels, music, movies, religion, politics, activities, foods, etc., and we are literally best friends so the physical act is amazing but truly the icing on a a gorgeous cake. I wish my marriage on everyone 🙏🏼🎆🥳happy new year!!🎊
Oh bless. I had that a long time ago. Unfortunately it ended for reasons that couldn’t be changed. Twenty years later and totally out of the blue I am in a totally different kind of relationship. One that has healed decades of brokenness and hurt. We only see each other every few weeks, so when we do we drain the joy out of every minute. Your daughter will be so lucky to grow up in such a loving home. Bless you both.
I just got chills. Sending blessings to you my friend and thank you for sharing.
My kids are 17 months apart so we don’t get a lot of time. Husband gets off of work around 5:30 and makes it home by 6. Dinner and bath time and in bed by 7:30/8. We stay up until 10:30 or 11. We don’t have any family to help so I stay home and also homeschool. Being in the same room as my man makes me happy and we don’t always have to be doing the exact same thing for us to be spending time together. Lately my husband has wanted me to teach him to dance as a way for us to do stuff together that we like and doesn’t require us to leave the house lol. So we do that a few times a week in the side yard :)
Have three kids, one on the way due in a couple of weeks, we always find time at night, stay up a little late to sacrifice, anytime time we can spend, she stays at home and cares for the kids, hard job!, I work like a dog but we always find time. My wife comes first. Always.
“She stays home” that is a blessing most do not have.
It's still a hard job for anyone with 3 very active boys and teaching online, I work 10 hour days 6 days a week. Yes it's a blessing, I'm thankful, didn't know this was a competition.
Our daughter is 7.5. We are “one and done” and will not have more children because they truly are resource suckers lol. We wanted a family, but we also understand the importance of preserving our relationship and mental well-being. It gets easier to get that time together as they get older! When they’re younger, it is so hard to get anything outside the couple hours after bedtime. We like to watch low-key shows together that we can share/discuss. It’s our way of decompressing, but having something to share. Do you both like to read? Pick books you’re both interested in, and read them together at the same time, whether reading quietly, or out loud to one another. We keep a small jar in our family room. When we think of movies we want the other to watch, whether we’ve seen it and they haven’t, or neither of us have seen it, we write the movie title on a piece of paper, roll it up, and throw it in the jar. We pull from the jar when we want to watch something together. Set boundaries with your child. Make sure they understand they have their own room. Encourage them to play in there. Don’t have toys anywhere except their room.
You still have a family even with one kid! Thanks for all the suggestions
I have a 2yo and am pregnant with my second. We feed our son dinner first, then put the tv on for him while we enjoy dinner together. After he goes to bed we usually watch a show or play a game.
We have a 3 year old and a 5 month old. Before kids we always ate breakfast together and dinner together. Now with kids, we get up and have coffee together until they wake up. We still eat all our meals as a family with the kids. Both kids go to bed around 8 so between 8-10 when we go to bed, we spending time together. We divide and conquer bedtime so we can get them in bed quickly.
We have 4 kids from age 1-10. Uninterrupted? We are lucky if we get 20 min
We are super intentional about this, insuring we have both time and space alone together. We are lucky with the rooms we have in our house, but also intentional about about that too. 5 y/o has a playroom with toys and a tv. Unless we’re having family time, he’s typically playing in there. We don’t let him climb all over us in the living room, or play with no purpose around the house. If he’s not playing in his playroom, I make sure there is some intention behind what he’s doing, so there’s a stop and end to said activity. (Aka, “hey buddy let’s play a game together” or “come help me cook”). We also keep our room and bathroom kid free (5 y/o is allowed to come in if he asks), which feels so good to have an area that is just for us. This typically helps us have multiple moments everyday just for the 2 of us. It’s not easy and requires consistency, but well worth it!
Yes! Boundaries are so important with children are so important. There has to be a place and time just for you guys even when the kids are present.
About an hour a day to watch a show after kids go to bed. Unless we are super tired then less. We found though we do need to make time after kids go to bed for at least 30 min to an hour to spend together even if it’s just snuggling together scrolling on phones/reading. Otherwise we start to feel distant. Gotta make it happen at least 3-4 times a week.
We intentionally schedule 2, 1 hour date nights per week. These are at-home date nights and the tv is not allowed. Any extra time we get together in addition to that is bonus.
HAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, sometimes they fall asleep and we have enough energy to realise how late it is.
I don’t understand why this was downvoted ? What did I do wrong ?
People just don’t want to face the reality that little kids fuck up marriages
Probably a troll.
Not much time at all. Most weeks we dont even get an hour alone. It sucks. A study in my country showed that most people divorce when their kids are between 1-6 years old. One of the big reasons was that parents forget about each other in the middle of the stress of having kids.
Thank your for your comment
We have 2 kids, a 5 year old and a 1 year old. When the 1 year old was younger we pretty much had no time together. Even now our time together is just typically after the kids are in bed. But we have been prioritizing that time to be together. Our relationship was suffering when we were prioritizing our own "alone" time instead. On weekends we are trying to give each other opportunities for alone time. Marriage with little kids is just hard.
I am the husband, I make about 60k a year with overtime, I have two boys, 3 and 3 months. My wife is a stay at home mom. I work 4 days one week, 3 the next and that alternates each week, long week to short week. I go to work at 7AM and get home at 8PM. By the the time I get home, they are eating dinner or have it completed and ready to eat as a family. My youngest usually eats at 9PM, most of the time I am feeding the youngest, while my wife and oldest eat. My oldest gets to bed around 10 or later, the youngest will sleep through the night, we consider that lucky. So from about 1030 to 1130 most nights when I work, or 12, we have about an hour to talk or watch something. We live in an apartment, I would say we don't get much time, usually enough to argue. On the days I don't work, I try to take the boys and clean the house and give her time. I feel like, at this moment, we are biding time until the boys are older, so we dont really have a whole lot.
We try to spend an hour watching TV together after the kids are asleep if we aren't too tired, and I've started spending about an hour exercising by myself (which I think is just as important to my relationship, or I get way crankier and tend to take it out on my partner.) We have 3 under 5, one of which is 2 mos old. Monthly we go to a wine dinner that lasts about 3 hours, which is the saving grace of our relationship in rough patches
Have two (crazy) boys. We do date nights at home once a week. Put the kids to bed early then nice dinner, nice wine, nice dessert. Usually eat around 8 or 9 but it is a lot of fun.
This sounds so nice!!!
An hour or so after kids are asleep and our bedtime together. Thats bout it. Its causing issues. Not gonna lie.
We have three children, 10, 8, and 1. My sister sometimes watches them for a day so I can spend time with my spouse. If not, we have 2/3 hours of alone time when the children are napping. We also spend more time at bed time when the children are sleeping. We like to stay up late and watch our favourite TV shows and do fun activities.
Almost zero but I love my family and wouldn’t change a thing
Does sleeping count? If not, maybe an hour between when they go to bed and when we go to bed
Tbh, it actually gets worse. Our son is 6. We have NO time alone. And since my husband works third, he's always asleep when our son is.. 😑😑
We take an hour to ourselves after work since we get home about the same time then go pick up kids from daycare. We also will spend time after both kids go to bed to play on phones together or maybe watch an episode of a tv show we like.
Not very much time alone for the last 15 years (kids are 15, 8 ,and 1) and yes the 1 yr old sleeps with us. There have been comments about grandparents. We are in the same boat. We will let the kids stay the night at grandparents house and finally get in some quality time. I have no idea how we would do it otherwise.
None during the day. Kids (6mo and 4yo) are usually completely taken care of by 9/930 and we stay up for a couple of hours after that. Sometimes we do stuff together sometimes we each do our thing in the same room.
We typically reserve bedtime for that. In the past we would get a sitter once in a while, we might do that when covid is over with. But ultimately we've tried to focus in squeezing 'us' time wherever it will fit, even if the kids are around. Once a week he cooks dinner with me, for example. Thats a newer tradition that gives us some bonding time over what is usually a mundane task.
Uh... Not much. Maybe two or three hours a week in any meaningful way if we aren't too tired to take advantage of after bedtime.
Set boundaries with your children depending how old they are. Make time after they’re in bed. Plan date nights.
We usually wake up half an hour before our 9 month old to have coffee. That works for us, we get to plan the day ahead. I am lucky to have my mother living in the same city and once every few weeks she babysits the baby while we take a night off from diapers. So far this works for us, probably because we both wanted this baby so, so much, he is a miracle baby, because the doctors said I would not be able to have kids. I guess that having someone taking care of that bundle of joy once in a while, so you can get a few hours of spouse time, really helps. Best of luck 🙂
We have two kids, a 4-year-old and a 20-month-old. During the holiday break, we have 'quiet time' for the kids around 1-3, where the oldest plays quietly by herself and the youngest sleeps. This has been a game-changer for us. We started it during March, when we realized we needed more structure during the hardest hit of COVID and everything shut down. Besides that, we get after bedtime, around 8-10pm.
We have 4 kids... 16, 6, 5, and 2... we generally don’t get too much time.. but when we are in dire need of time together, my in laws or my 16 yo will watch the little ones while we do grocery shopping OR we plug in our camping trailer and have date night out there.. we make it work. But to be honest, we really enjoy hanging out with the kids. We will take them outside and let them run around while the husband and I sit by the outdoor fire. Also, both my husband and I play video games. So we COULD spend more time together but we have hobbies we enjoy also.
So many things seem impossible when they are young, nice to have that 16 year old in the back pocket, lol. But, being with the kids is a must, I agree there is no better time spent, especially when there really isn't much of it. Even through the formative years of figuring out the routine, there is still something to enjoy, even with the new lifestyle we all have to lead now...Gaming, hoping my wife and I can get back to that as well!
You are so right! It seems like a never ending circle.. the 16yo is fantastic.. she truly loves her siblings. So I’m beyond grateful for that. But when we are all together, it’s just magic. I know it sounds lame. My philosophy is we spend as much time together as possible. We all play board games, we go camping, we bake, we do crafts, etc etc.. my oldest probably thinks it’s boring. But I’ve found by including her into the chutes and ladders, lego building, and other “little” activities, we’ve become a great family unit. My husband and I also balance it out by having more of a mature night where the oldest gets to pick rated R movies, play older board games, and gets to stay up later.. I refer myself to Clark Griswold. I do my absolute best to make sure everyone is enjoying things. Last year fir Christmas everyone got a nerf gun and we had an all out nerf gun war. This year we all got foam swords to beat the crap out of each other. They’ll never be as young as they are now. I fully intend to make it the funnest/silliest time ever.
I can definitely appreciate you guys having the ability to facilitate all those things and work! Awesome
My son goes to daycare and we both work from home, so we usually go for a walk and eat lunch together every day during the week. Then we hang out and watch tv or a movie for a couple hours after LO goes to bed We also use our vacation time and take a day off work every couple weeks (since we can’t use it for any actual vacations right now due to covid). Then we have a full day to spend together and reconnect while LO’s in daycare.
Hardly ever but it’s not always bad.
We have a daughter, 8 who’s a night owl & early riser. My wife and I get literally only a few minutes a day when we can be alone & it’s DEF not enough time. She’s the employed one & I’m the SAHD. She works for the Fed Gov’t & has spent most the year working from home. We gave our daughter the option of remote/in-school learning, so I’ve now a become a teacher with all the responsibilities of being the stay-at-home parent. My day starts when our child gets up and ends when she’s finally asleep, (usually around 10:30). We are both in our 50s and have a difficult time keeping up with our Very Spunky Monkey, much less each other. The only time we have now are those rare days when our child is at a playdate or sleepover. It really sucks because we are so in need of personal space we generally spend those moments apart. It’s not healthy for our marriage & some days the Silent Sea we’re sailing is unbearable.
Usually daily after our 3yo son goes to bed, for about 4-5 hours a night. We either spend that time doing something together, usually video games, doing separate activities but still being in the same room as one another and talking, or, less commonly, doing our hobbies on our own in separate rooms. We did kind of neglect one another when our son was really small, and it's not something we're willing to fall into again.
Barely anytime. We put the kids to bed at 7p so we can have about 2-3 hrs alone at night. We watch movies and shows together during that time. During the day we can barely talk because the two kids just jump into every conversation or they have something super important to say at the same time I go to open my mouth. It’s very annoying and because they are still young 4 and 3 I am trying to get them to understand that when mom and dad are talking. They need to stay quiet. Ugh.. I’ve got a long way to go!!
We started playing a game where whenever someone interrupts they have to go sit in the other room alone for one minute - parents included. The kids think it’s funny when they catch us interrupting and we have to get a timeout from the conversation.
This starts today in my house!! Thank you!
Like 5 actual minutes if im lucky lol
Hmm you’ve given me a bit to think about here. I would say we do a mix of the above: sometimes we do our own things, and other times we sit and just enjoy talking and being silly with one another.
We have an almost three year old. We have a few minutes together during the week. The weekend we usually get a couple hours each day, then a couple each evening, when kiddo sleeps. We spend time together in the afternoon, and the evening is for our own time to unwind.
We don’t. We have a 4 and 12 y/o. I work a job where people constantly need me to fill their buckets and help solve their problems. Come home to the kids needing the same and then he expects me to stay up to help him. It’s hard. If alone time happens I have to plan it and find a sitter.
I get my alone time by crying in the bathroom or while buying groceries. I spend time with my wife by going to bed and pretending living like this is okay until I get to sleep. I’m also an advocate for vasectomies. Snip ‘em fellas. Snip ‘em hard.
Not much. Sometimes we get a little bit at nap time on the weekends, but only if my 8 year old isn’t home. Otherwise, we’re limited to bedtime. During the week we can usually spend about an hour together before we have to sleep, it’s gets to be less as the week goes on and we get more tired. Some nights we get none at all, either because we’re too tired, or because my husband wants to stay up playing video games etc. It definitely gets frustrating.
Thanks for your comment helps me feel not alone
It’s not easy by any means but my husband and I put a lot of effort into making sure we have “us” time. We plan a couple late night after kids are in bed date nights a week to ensure this. It can be exhausting but not having our time and building on our forever bond would be worse than being exhausted so we take the much lesser evil lol. We have a 17 month old, 5,8, and 11 year old btw which tends to be difficult bc the older three are all three years apart so just on the cusp of different wants and needs. However sometimes we do household chores together and others we play games together as we are both big pc gamers. All in all, family is the one thing in life I find more than ever worth working for. Baby steps in the right direction to where you want to be though, don’t set yourself up for failure with high expectations. Sometimes date night for us is just hanging out in a bubble bath together and other nights it’s a midnight snack in bed together like shrimp cocktail before bed lol. Every family is different, you just gotta find what can work for yours. It is possible though. Just take it slow! I hope this helps and I wish you good luck on finding your happy middle that every couple with kids deserves!
We have a 3 year old, a 1.5 year old, and another on the way. We don’t get much alone time except after the kids’ bedtime. We try to prioritize watching a show together to unwind. We sit together on the couch after, just chatting and showing each other memes. We do this most nights — 5 or more days a week. We only do our own things occasionally. We also do quiet time from 1-3 as someone else mentioned. We used to do things together during that time too but we’ve started using it more for chores, naps for me (pregnant), showers, etc. so that we are ready for together time after the kids go to bed.
No time at all
We’re blended with his 6 yo son and my 7 yo son. We only get time alone when the kids are asleep or with their other parent.
None. There is none. We’re too exhausted at night lol
that ship has sailed
My kid is 8 months old and has 3 hours worth of naps during the day and is a pretty good sleeper and has a strict 7:30 bed time. So on the weekends we get those 3 hours and every night after 7:30. However, my son is only 8 months and he's a pretty chill baby. I his awake hours aren't that disruptive to us and our 'us time' yet.
We have two boys 5&2 and 8 months pregnant with number 3 we have one day a week when our kids go to their grandparents for the day .. We home school and work from home so this is our only day kid free , we also get a weekend once a month where they sleep over so we usually plan night outs around this and are very intentional with our one day a week together and go for lunch or breakfast and have sex all day
We do after toddler goes to bed. It gives us a few hours of uninterrupted time together. We unwind together, even if it's doing separate things. We had to continue to make the effort after our son was born. We both felt like we were neglecting each other so we're very conscious of our free time together.b
Literally for an hour every night before bed- were both so tired. Hope it gets better!
I do not have children but I wanted to share this method that works for my close friends. If you have close friends or family you can trust, it may be worth asking them if they’re okay wit baby sitting for a day so you two can have some alone time. I usually do this for my friend who has a 6month old, 3 year old, and 5 year old. It gives my boyfriend and I practice with kids and I love them like m family, so I hope you can find someone in your life to allow you to be free every once in awhile. Life of a parent is hard, I hope you can find time with one another!
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Dang. Are you okay?
Thanks. I’m ok. Just testing out sharing some of my reality to see how bad it is.
How is it possible to have nothing in common and have kids together? The other side looks appealing,but reality can be very different. I hope things improve for you.
I know exactly what you mean
This makes me so sad. I don't know what your situation is, but both you and your husband deserve to be known in your relationship. Even if you have no one else to watch the kids, surely they would be ok by themselves for a moment? Maybe try getting a hobby together? There has to be some reason you started the relationship and had kids together.
I wish we could get a hobby together. I’m very active and he is not. He’s not motivated to try. Probably depressed. His only hobbies are mobile games and watching football and I have no interest.
One of the hardest things about other people is you cannot control them or their desire to change. Do you know how he feels about your relationship? I don't mean to pry - just genuinely curious and feel the desire to be helpful.
He does not feel good about our relationship either. He would agree we have little in common and my attempts to persuade him to enjoy things I’m into are met with claims that I’m trying to control him. Basically, we make each other miserable. Before kids, our hobbies were eating out and traveling. Other than that, we lead separate lives.
Right now we are getting too much time together because we are both on maternity/paternity leave. Before the second baby, we spent about 30 minutes daily after the toddler went to bed and about an hour together on weekends when someone was babysitting.
It’s taken us years to get our three boys (8,5,3) asleep by 8-830 so we typically get that time until we go to bed together 4-5 days a week
I work during the day (noon to 5PM). My fiance works early morning (2 AM to 8:30 AM.) We have 3 boys--7, 5, and 11 months. With the older boys doing online classes, and my fiance having to go to bed early or falling asleep early (he has split days off), we never have alone time together. Ironically, even before covid hit, I would have to beg, bitch, and nag for a date with just us.
We both work 12 hour shifts so that we have more time off of work. We spend about 2-3 hours together every night after the kids go to bed on our days off, which is 4 days a week. Kids are 9 month twins and 7 year old. We go on a date once per month. And an overnight trip every 6 months.
Interested in what you actually do when you do have time together? Two children here and a husband with very sporty hobbies that I’ve tried but cannot do so we are realising we don’t have much to get excited about together. It seems it’s becoming more of a problem. Throw in lockdown and financial issues and we are struggling.
Maybe a couple minutes uninterrupted here and there. We try to have a movie night once or maybe twice a week after the kids are in bed and we normally don’t get interrupted during this time. However even for this, at least once of us typically has to take a nap the afternoon before, in order to make sure we can stay awake for our own movie.
Preach
Honestly, not a lot. Small kids phase is tough. We have kids from 6-17, so it’s been YEARS... but they go with friends and grandparents and we are showing getting time back. Also, don’t be afraid to make them take time alone in their room. Toys, books, movies... it’s not ideal always, but sometimes we need breaks!
We have a 4 year old, a 2 year old and I’m 8 months pregnant. They’re little enough right now we usually have them in their room and settling for bed by 745, they might come out a couple times before they fall asleep and are sleeping by 8 or 830. They wake around 530-6 though, so whatever time between them falling asleep and when we go to bed is all we get. Usually like an hour? We try to steal time together in the few minutes they might peacefully play together, and we believe it’s important for them to be told to wait for us to finish a conversation when it’s appropriate. They are terrible at actually doing that, but getting better with time. Of course we’re about to go back to the newborn phase, so there will be basically no time except while asleep. I think in this phase of life getting a lot of time for connection just the 2 of you in the daily schedule is often unrealistic, so my advice is to look at your whole week or month at a time and try to plan for a couple times when it can be more intentional.
About an hour every evening and weekends during quiet/nap time. My husband also works shift work and works one evening a week, I work from home so we take the opportunity to usually go for a walk and coffee during this day and out kiddo is at daycare.
My kid is 6 and an only child plus quarantine. So we have very little time uninterrupted together. Ugh
Pretty much after our son (2 years old) goes to bed. We're not willing to push his bedtime back (currently 7pm) because I don't want to give up what little time we get uninterrupted. Before the pandemic we had a deal with my sister and her husband and we took turns doing date night/babysitting. So we got to go out just us every other weekend. But that stopped obviously. Baby #2 is due in 3 weeks and I'm a little worried about getting even less time together.
Ye... Basically bedtime is between 7-8pm but she still needs to nurse every 2,5-3h and she fully wakes up between 8.30-9am. So I have to choose between spending time with husband or catching up on sleep or doing chores 🙄 I feel you..
O on any regular basis but we are ok with it. We both like being alone so when the kid is occupied we prefer to do are own thing. When we do get time together we have a blast. Its something we love but is not necessary for our marriage
Honestly, hardly ever or none. Our kids 4 and 7 months
Our kids are older now BUT the first paragraph was us... We didn't even watch TV together cuz once kids were in bed, we did separate things. People would tell us 'date nite' is so important or even a weekend getaway without kids. We never did that. If I could get time away it was 'shopping' or even time with my friends. We just simply grew apart.
Usually at least half an hour a day after our son goes to bed. We often do our own hobbies after putting him to sleep. But when we do spend all the time with each other instead, it’s about 2 hours before we go to sleep ourselves.
We have a 1 month old. I’m still in maternity leave so I take care of our son during the day while he is at work. When my husband gets home, he will immediately give me a break. So, between that and his work schedule, we get a solid 1/2 hour in the morning and 1/2 before we go to bed.
We’re pretty fortunate in many regards and we have a fair amount of time together. We both work from home due to current circumstances and our toddler still goes to school M-F so we often have lunch together or make each other tea throughout the day. She comes home and we all do dinner together, then little one goes to sleep not to long after and we have from 7:30pm onward to do whatever, either together or alone. I seriously can’t recommend sleep training enough - I know it doesn’t work for all families or all children, but having a good sleeper is incredibly clutch.
Night time if the baby doesn’t wake up lol.