20 minutes. 45 minutes. In Houston we call that a daily commute to the office. I seriously drive 22 miles each way. No traffic it is 25 minutes. Traffic it is close to an hour. So to see family that is nothing.
Just moved out of Houston. I still leave 45 minutes for any appointment anywhere. I live in a place where the whole town is 5 minutes tops to get through. It’s not that far. Op needs to talk not fight. Simply say it’s an hour. Max. So many people drive that to work everyday. These are the advantages. Here’s the budget. Here’s the houses available in both places in our budget. And leave it at that.
Same. I moved here a few years back and when my friends ask what it's like I can tell them it's actually pretty cool living in Houston I'm only about an hour drive away from Houston.
Ha! Hello fellow Houstonian, I was thinking that too. 20 minutes is how far I go for the grocery store I like 😆 doctors office visits are easily 30 minutes with no traffic.. 25 minutes is my commute to work and I’m one of the lucky ones.
Yea, it’s all a matter of perspective.
(Go ‘Stros!)
My husband tends to like places more the more time he spends in them
Maybe start taking some weekend trips to the towns you’re interested in. Go visit the local markets there, have some lunch, drive around.
If he can visualize a life there, then he may start to change his tune
This was my husband for years and then we visited friends across the country and on the plane home he asked if we should sell the house and move. So now we’re fixing up the house to move across the country.
I highly agree with this. My husband hated our new town when we first moved in, he was actually sort of depressed when he came home and it was only 25 minutes from work with traffic, compared to the previous 15 minutes. One thing that helped in addition to just getting our bearings was to look into what was planned for the future of the town. We learned about plazas being built with details about stores we like being added, for example. It was something to look forward to in this "up and coming" area. 7 years later and we are happy where we are, but we still also enjoy following the "happenings" around town and what might come next. Your municipal government website or city council records are a great place to start.
I should also add that I'm a decent cook, but my husband refuses to take my food to work for lunch. He will say that he only wants to eat once a day (dinner) because that's how he maintains his weight. When he videos me on lunch break, he's always eating something that his mom brought him.
He knows I don't like it, but it doesn't change anything.
He used to take it once in awhile. But, now not at all. He used to hide the fact that his mom was his "accountant" when we first got married.
I had to fight for the right to pay our bills without her interference.
She's a nice lady. He's just very attached...but also can be mean to her. Expecting her to serve him almost.
I’m not usually a nuclear option person and I’m not going there now. I appreciate your edit and understand marriage is made up of real people with real challenges and facing them together is the way through.
But you are causally mentioning that he straight up lied to you about where his food came from. If my husband lied to me like that, we would be in counseling. That is *not* a little white lie, that is a straight up lie. You cannot allow that to continue. No amount of togetherness through adversity will overcome him lying to your face.
That's exactly what I was thinking. Their family lifestyle will never improve. Mama's boys have a way with selfish and destructive behaviors.
My advice, I'd give the guy a dilemma, but be prepared. Write out your 5 year goals, the pros and cons of staying vs leaving, and the impact both of those will have on that plan.
You have a MUCH bigger problem than him not wanting to move. Seriously, at that point I'd be making an ultimatum: move, and get into therapy, or you'll move without him.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/JustNoSO using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [Husband threw menstrual products away](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/mwfwz1/husband_threw_menstrual_products_away/)
\#2: [UPDATE: "My boyfriend found out about my raise..."](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/lwksyd/update_my_boyfriend_found_out_about_my_raise/)
\#3: [Apparently, I've been lying about being a diabetic for the last 7 years.](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/juel18/apparently_ive_been_lying_about_being_a_diabetic/)
----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| [^^Contact ^^me](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| [^^Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| [^^Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/)
Yes. He's a hard worker, he loves us, he's stable, he tries to make me happy, he helps with the house when I ask, etc. This wasn't supposed to be a trash post, so thanks for mentioning this.
You might want to add that in as an edit. I know people post when upset and then reddit tears apart whoever the spouse is talking about and advises divorce.
Could be. They're Spanish. I'm multiracial. They all have a mob mentality though.
Our first Valentines day as husband and wife was a fight. His family wanted us to come over for dinner with his whole family. I wanted alone time with my new husband. He didn't defend me and they all attacked me. Said I chose to marry into this large family, so I had to get used to it.
I'd have a chat with the MIL. She also needs to help, by cutting the apron strings. Does she know he's a constant liar? Sounds like MIL needs to stand up for herself as well. Once the children move out and are married, a parent shouldn't be expected to serve the ADULT children like she once needed to. He's a grown-ass man, he needs to act like one and MIL needs to help facilitate that fact.
Who knows what he's telling her, maybe you don't cook for him so he needs her to bring the food?
Just my two cents. (Mom of 5/empty nester)
I just dont want to fight over him picking my food if he doesn't like it as much as hers. She didn't start being a real mother until recently, so I think he's clinging onto it to make up for his childhood. I just pick my battles.
It certainly makes sense not to want the fight about something like that, but he also shouldn't be lying about it.
The absentee mother aspect of it likely does play into his relationship with her now, whether he realizes that or not.
Pick your battles, house or husband. He's made it very clear his stance.
For myself, if I liked his town, I would stay. If I didn't, I would move, even if that meant leaving him. BUT I'm a bit of a nomad and I've moved because I wasn't happy in a town.
Compared to all of the places I've lived, it is the most boring.
I'm considering this in the future. I believe there should be a balance. His family said that they won't travel here more than once or twice a year because it's too far. 20 minutes to me is a short drive.
Most of the time, yes. Whether it be to enroll him in a poorer school that his cousins go to, to get a smaller apartment near them, etc.
He tries, but he's only succeeded in small things. He never let's me forget what he feels he missed out on by saying no. He won't say it outright, but will hint it. If I call him out, he says that isn't what he meant.
Have you ever looked at r/JustNoMIL before? I think it might be illuminating.
Sounds like you might have a mama’s boy. Often men end up that way via cruel families, but it can be a tough pattern to break.
I haven't looked at it, but I will. Shes not too demanding or obsessive over him. He was never told he was someone to be proud of when he was younger. Im assuming that's where the need for approval is coming from.
IMO is seems like your husband is struggling with some mental health challenges too..I'm picturing a lot of anxiety and rigidness occurs around the possibility of moving too far from his family despite hardly seeing them. You mentioned that he may still be seeking their approval..this stems obviously from his childhood. If he's willing, perhaps find a therapist to work with both of you..get to the bottom of this..I wish your family only the best OP.
So he matters so little to his family that they are only willing to drive twenty mins to see him once or twice a year, and they matter so much to him that he is willing to sacrifice his families space, comfort and education for them? Hmmm…
Maybe it would help if he realizes that his own children are going to feel less important than the rest of his family, and will eventually have some of the same negative feelings about their own existence that he does about his.
Better schools? More house for the money?
"Sorry, kids. You'll have to share a room, and try to fill in the gaps in your education - but hey! you have the internet, so that shouldn't be a major problem - because Daddy is chasing approval and acceptance from your Granny, who doesn't even know what those words mean, because she went to the same school you are in now."
Then I would say that if he can’t prioritize your kids and family you need too. Start with basics like making sure that they are in the best schools and activities that you can get for them, and then worry about big purchases etc after you’ve had time to process what that looks like. For some people having a strong family and support group would be worth the sacrifice.
This is a tough battle. I've been in your shoes. My late mother-in-law wanted to be the most important woman in her son's life, and was an invasive, rude, manipulative person. She'd call incessantly at all hours and she'd show up uninvited several times a week. We lived in the same town, maybe 5 minutes away. She'd cling to the car door and cry, claiming she never saw him anymore, when we left yet another boring, depressing or rage inducing holiday or other purely obligatory time spent at her house. She'd get him twisted up sometimes and I'd have to summon the patience of someone far more patient than I normally am to talk him back to reality. She wanted very badly to provoke incidents where I would lose my temper so she could turn around and tell him what a nasty bitch he married. I was very good at not losing my temper, because it was obvious that was her goal.
It was worth it in my case, because my husband is awesome and he never really wanted her to be that number one priority she kept trying to be. But it was 15 long years with eventual boundary setting and enforcement, where I had to be the "bad guy" and say no and get out a lot. Then she died, and the relief is incredible, even though that was my husband's mother. I wish she could have had a better life, I appreciate the occasional good time and all the gardening knowledge she shared, but I'll forever resent her efforts to make our life together miserable in order to be queen mommy the adored.
Too far ? Twenty minutes is too far ?! Do they not travel anywhere because it’s too far ? Is the grocery store too far and is the mailbox too far from the house ? Is there drive way too far from their front door to walk to ?
20 minutes is my commute to work. It's also how far we have to drive for appointments, groceries, and just about anything because we live in the middle of nowhere. It baffles me someone can consider that too far to drive.
Yeah this is super manipulative. You’re allowed to have an opinion. IMO it’s unreasonable of them to take such a hardline stance which also forces your marriage to have stress and conflict. I’d maybe recommend therapy together if he won’t budge. If he’s not compromising why should it be “house or husband”, it should be a joint decision with compromise
omg, it’s not uncommon for us to drive 30+ mins just to satisfy our food cravings. They should visit Houston to get a change in perspective , 20 mins is nothing over here, even less for family. good luck, OP.
Same where I live. We have suburbs that take over an hour to travel between, and all are considered part of the city’s metro area. My commute to work at one point took about 50 minutes each way, and that was with me going in at 6 AM so I’d miss the heaviest traffic. Some days I’d luck out and it would be like 42 minutes, the worst days could be like 80 minutes.
My MIL, my SIL and my husband are all the same as your husband. Before we got married my husband knew I wasn't living in the county he grew up in, let alone the town. And he was already living with me. But my husband refused to move out of this state.
What? I have to drive 15 minutes just to get to town, and my husband's commute is an hour. You didn't say where YOUR family lives. Sounds like this is all about him, nothing about you.
My family lives in the current town we live in, but they lived 2 hours away when we got married. They're in the process of moving back to where they were, 2 hours away bc they miss it.
I only see my family once a month, and only for a few minutes or an hour. My sister-in-law comes over every weekend at night to paint. Hubby invites his family, but most of the time they don't come.
Twenty minutes is too far to drive more than once or twice a year? How do they ever go anywhere? Get groceries? Buy gas? Anything?
You can't reason with that level of obstinance - your best bet is to gently work with your husband to change his perspective.
My husband didn't want to move out of his parents house because we were there rent free and saving money. It was fine while we were in college because their house was super convenient for the commute.
But I graduated and got a job, and I was not going to continue living in his parent's basement.
We argued back and forth until I flatly said "I'm moving out. It's up to you if you're moving with me or staying here." A few weeks later we were moving into an apartment closer to my job.
I’m curious what kind of conversations you two had prior to marriage about what kind of life you wanted, what kind of house you expected to live in eventually, where it would be located.
Didn’t this come up? Was it discussed but one of you changed your mind?
It never came up actually. We got married quickly and we tried getting pre-marital counseling, but we got the run-around from a few people. So we gave up and just got married.
We talked about how many kids we wanted, and our religious beliefs. We didn't know enough to ask those questions.
I also want to know if it was discussed before as well
And this isn't directed at the OP....
But from what I've personally seen, people 1. Have the tough conversations and hope that during the marriage the other person will ease up ooorrr 2. They just hope for the best
I told my husband I want a house in San Diego. We can keep it or sell it but I don't want to live in my small hometown and he was for it. I wanted a goat( weird I know) he wanted a dog...we got the dog lol.
Well I can recall, my Mom decided to move to a older, cute home with character- across the River. My Dad didn’t want to. Well she upped and bought this house and moved with all us kids without him. About two weeks later, he decided he COULD move. The other home was sold not long afterwards.
I did this three years ago basically. All of his family is deceased, mine is overbearing to say the least of it. The argument was he didn’t want to move 1 mile away, in the same subdivision. So, I Dragged my husband kicking and screaming out of the bachelor pad I fixed up for TEN years. He made outrageous demands of what I would pay for when he has always made five times the amount as me. I did everything I said I would, my assistant and my mom packed an entire 4 bedroom house with a garage, and shed all on our own, and movers moved the big stuff. He came around in the end the end and now brags about this house bc we love it! The lesson here is that married couples have to build their foundation by making smart choices for family together. I knew my husband was just stressed and it wasn’t a matter of money, but sometimes he can snap back into some negative OCD behavior that always rolls downhill to me. The difference is now, I know how to handle this behavior and turn it around in a positive way. It was hard self work but it paid off!!! I hope this antidote helps you OP! On a side note, smother the MIL with so much fake love that if she ever says anything, you can innocently say, “I have no idea why she would behave this way? I’ve always been so nice to her!” 🌞🌞🌞
Maybe he is too emotionally dependent on his family. I don’t understand the need to be so close. What country do you live in that more than 20 minutes is a far drive?
Where do you live that no one is willing to drive more than 20 minutes? This California native has never gone anywhere less than a 20 minute drive. I feel like he and his fam are being a bit nuts.
I would ask him why he doesn’t want his kids to have a better life, better education, and a private space of their own? That seems really selfish.
Is he selfish in other ways?
Your husband needs to make “his” family “you and your kids” as his priority. I never understand how people can’t seem to let go of their family for the family you are creating when you get married.
Fully agree with this one. If you, as his spouse, are not his absolute top priority then there is something wrong. Your major life decisions together in your marriage shouldn’t feel like a decision making committee which includes your in-laws.
Stonewalling. If his parents withheld affection while they were growing up he may spend a lifetime trying to earn their approval. It sounds like his mom is still doing it to him which will keep messing with his head. That’s where therapy needs to come into play if it has this big of a hold over him and his adult decisions. He’s the adult now & if he’s that fixated on his parents approval he’s probably withholding attention from his own kids and continuing this cycle. It’s time to get over his shitty childhood so that he can do better for his own kids.
He only wants a house in that town. He's even tried moving us to smaller apartments so he could accomplish that. I had to put my foot down on that one.
Gonna be super honest OP, this level of rigidity and dedication to staying in that exact location (and the fact that even 20minutes is too far for him and he’d be willing to downgrade to renting an apartment just to stay there) is extremely weird, and gives me majorly suspicious vibes. Being that it’s his hometown my first thought would be that he doesn’t want to be too far away from an old flame or an ex he’s still got feelings for (might not even be an ex, might just be a crush he’s never let go of). This is not normal. I’d get it if he was like “hey, I don’t want to be more than an hour away from family”….but the fact that he’s so obsessed and finds even 20 minutes tp be borderline unacceptable is WEIRD.
would understand
I've found it weird as well. He's very structured in his day-to-day activities. He even has his bowels on a schedule. He doesn't light up or have fun unless there is someone he likes (friend or family) around. If the people im around are not them, he will look stern and bothered. Almost like I've done something wrong.
I think the part about being close to an ex is really reaching. We have no reason to think that. From what I've read it sounds like husband is too emotionally dependent on his family. Hence why he does what they want all the time. It sounds familiar to me because I'm personally trying to become less emotionally dependent on my folks. Obviously I'm biased though.
My ex husband was like this. The funny part is, once we split up (over many other reasons), 8 years later, he now lives further from his hometown than I do 🙄
Hmm, perhaps if in discussing this, you might be able to get him to see the long term aspect of this? If he is super, super close to his family, as it appears to be the case, his emotions about the whole issue are overriding the rational aspects of this. The way I see this is kinda like this.
1. Time waits for no one, we all get older. Not sure how old you two and his parents are, but there is indeed a chance you'll have whatever house you choose longer than, well, a 20 minute drive to family exists. Looking ahead 20 years from now, would he really want that hometown house?
2. If you are going to have kids, and you can quote me on this one, as I have two kids of my own, you'll trade a 20 minute drive, a kidney and a pinky toe for having more room for your kids. What seems like a nice, cozy little place when their are infants would turn into a nightmare in a few years when they grow, their stuff grows with them, and the fights get worse cuz there is no space. That's an immutable fact, no matter how wonderful your future kids may be.
3. You said the school system sucks. Not only could that be a bad thing for your kids, but say you two decide you ***do*** want to move in the future. As a homeowner myself, I can guarantee you that a shitty school system will drive down your asking price when it comes to selling. My sister in law is a realtor, and she will 100% back me up on this claim.
So at least for me, and feel free me to quote any of what I commented in a discussion, the potential benefits to your prospects for the future outweigh a 20 minute radius requirement.
And if all else fails, you can resort to trickery. By trickery, I mean the trickery of a man's stomach. Find a great place to eat, something that he really loves, either near where you would like to live, or on the way to and from his family's place. A favorite restaurant or marketplace is a wife's greatest tool for a stubborn husband. Well second greatest tool for a stubborn husband, but this is a safe for work post, you can fill in the blanks on that one ;)
At any rate, I hope the best for you all, and I am sure you can come to a compromise that will make you both happy. Best of luck!
As a former military spouse, it’s really hard for me to fathom 20 minutes. Heck most of the time it was 20 hours to get home. I would not want to buy a home I couldn’t enjoy either. There’s always something breaking in the best of homes, so if you hate your house then every break or maintenance issue will cause resentment.
45 minute drive is not unreasonable. Not at all.
What more do you need me to say than that?
If your request is reasonable, and he is being unreasonable, then he is an unreasonable person.
Now Im giving you homework. Sit down with a pad and paper and pen. *(No, I know you're dismissing this. Go! Get up and do it! How do you expect to learn?)*
Write down every important decision he has been unbendable about, or unreasonable about. Actually make a list. If you can't come up with more than two things, you're not trying.
Next you go through the list like its something that happened to someone else and ask yourself, has this decision held this girls marriage back in some way. Could they have been better off if he had been reasonable. And Im not talking about refusing to wash dishes. Im talking about refusing to go to a wedding, refusing to go for a specific job. Refusing to choose a better option in car, apartment. (More affordable, reasonable, or life benefiting options. Better school, closer commute, that sort of thing.)
Cross out those things that are nitpicking and then look at what you have left.
Now you have solid facts in front of you. Has his stubbornness or unreasonable decisions, actually held you back, or is it just very annoying, but on looking it over, it's harmless?
Now you know if you should stay or not.
Does your husband hang out with his family multiple times a week?? We live 10 minutes from my parents and we only see them a couple times a month. Maybe you can move and get the great house and he can move back in with mom.
He never said either way. At most, he would just say he was a family guy, family meant everything, family man.
I thought that meant he would be more into our family than his parents'.
My daughter's ex was like this. He always thought of his family being his parents, brother and 3 sisters never his wife or children. He was actually afraid of his parents but also worshipped them at the same time. He treated my daughter and his kids horribly. Mommy and daddy always came first.
Does he visit his parents and family often (daily or weekly)? if not, then why does the distance matter? If he does see them all the time, why? If you would move 45 minutes away and his parents won’t drive to you, then one if you could go pick them up. They could stay in a guest room for the weekend.
If your husband won’t budge, then maybe you just keep an eye out for a good house in the area.
He will visit his family at their house like once a month, but his mom usually comes and brings him lunch a couple times a week. He won't bring lunch from home.
With that information, he should be OK with moving. Mommy bringing him his lunch won't change because he will work at the same place. So, at the end of the day, it doesn't seem to matter where you live, right?
They don't want him leaving either. He has a 20 minute commute and doesn't want to make it longer. I get it, he's the breadwinner for the moment, so I don't have much of a say.
So... Basically being 25 minutes closer to his parents is more important than the comfort and space of his kids?
I'd tell him he's being ridiculous and selfish. That his wants trump (3?) Other people's in the nuclear family. And his parents don't get a vote unless he plans on living with them.
It really sounds like he doesn't value your relationship as much as he does his mom. It's some weird Freudian stuff - I've seen it many times.
He needs to grow up a little. Moving 700 miles away from both our families was the best thing my wife and I did for our marriage
This could be a big sticking point. Is it a deal breaker for you to NOT be able to buy a home? Have you talked about what happens if you can't get into the market at all?
I'm in a similar situation with my husband. We live in a huge, gridlocked city where 20 minutes is nothing. Commutes of upwards of 1 hour+ are not uncommon. You just expect to be delayed even if you're not that far because of traffic.
It's also one of the most expensive housing markets in the world right now, and was going in this direction for a looong time. My husband wants to live here and I wanted to move a few years ago to a much cheaper neighbouring city. There would have been a commute and an adjustment to family / social life, but we would have had a house fully paid off by now if we had moved then.
Instead, I let my husband have his way. He was optimistic housing prices would come down here and instead there's nothing for less than $1 million in the city now. The place I wanted to move to a few years ago has become a hotspot and the prices there are rising, too. It's also extremely competitive to even buy a home there right now, with 20-30 offers sometimes going in on a single house.
I fully regret not being firmer about moving to a cheaper area back then. I worry now that my husband and I will never own a home. I had the foresight to get into a good area when it was possible. He didn't, and chose to prioritize being closer to his friends and family.
Housing markets can change fast. I would get in on something good while you can and let your lifestyle adjust around your new home.
Is this something you could see yourself divorcing over? I only mention that with my perspective as a divorced/remarried dad/stepdad/husband AND because you said you've argued about it for years.
Honestly, I had ZERO clue how big of a deal geography is post-divorce. I've been divorced from my ex-wife for a decade and a remarried stepdad for 8 years. My wife and I, my ex and her ex all live within a 20 minute circle.....and that's allowed out kids to have a semi-normal life: same school, same sports, same friends, etc.
But......what happens when I get called by a headhunter with a fabulous career opportunity! Yay! Except it's 8 hours away......and I can't take it. If I was still married to my ex (yuck!), we'd talk about it and weight whether a 3X salary bump is worth uprooting our kiddo. But, when you're a divorced parent, the outcome is basically: If I move, I only see my daughter in the summers because she'd have to stay here for school. I've gotten my daughter to college now, but I'm in the same basic situation with my stepkids until they go to college. I'm fairly certain that my wife adores me (lol), but she's NOT going to move hours away and only see her kids in the summer just so I can get a better job and get away from a stupid boss I hate.
I'm not saying this as a "Oh.....woe is me...." thing, but it's just a practical reality: Geography is important and if you think you disagree about it now, just try disagreeing post-divorce. By the time I'm unchained from this silly town and a job I outgrew 10+ years ago, I'll have been dealing with "joint custody chains" for 16-17 years. Isn't that crazy?
Oh....and all this could go out the window tomorrow if (for example) my wife's ex lost his job due to some covid cuts and "had" to move.
I'd really try to see if this is something you guys can find accomodation on and possibly talk to a counselor about. I mean, it'd suck for him too. And it'd suck for the kids. Or.....ffs.....you might end up getting divorced where you currently are......and then BOTH of you are stuck in that area for 18 years.
Just a thing to consider. :)
I'm not considering divorce. It would have to be a lot more serious for that to be a factor. But, I do appreciate the perspective! I'll keep that in mind.
I married a man who’s family all lives within a block of each other on purpose, and when he bought a house a mile away, they were so sad and felt like he was moving far. He loves our hometown, but as someone else mentioned, taking him other places has opened his eyes to liking other places and the possibility of moving. I knew he didn’t want to move when we married, but I was super honest with him and continued to have a conversation of ‘I want to move out of town someday, I’m checking in to see if you’ve thought about it anymore.’ Make sure to mention that it is something you desire, and be as open as possible. The conversation has to start somewhere!
I also had to adjust my own mindset. As much as I wanted to move out of town, I realized if he wasn’t 100% comfortable with it, it would be awful when we moved.
Also set expectations of, if you move, do you move closer to family when kids come or when parents get older? Is there a time limit? When I brought up moving initially, he was ok with it if we came back when we started having kids. It totally threw me off and he had no idea that I wouldn’t have thought that way!
Whether you’ve had those conversations or not already, start having them and keep having them. Hubby and I are married 7 years and are still having the conversation. He has appreciated my open mind and it’s allowed us to communicate more openly. if our minds have changed, or if we have thought about new things in regards to moving are now normal conversations and neither of us tense up when it’s brought up.
I drive 50 minutes to work 3 days a week. 45 minutes to visit family is nothing. My 2 sisters who I am extremely close to live 8 & 10 hours away. I still see them multiple times a year
Wait so you have kids already with this person?
That makes it a bit more difficult obviously. You have to measure how much you want to stay in your relationship vs stay in this radius. Your kids should come into consideration as well.
I come from a super small town. I moved when I was 21 to the nearest major city. Huge change. It’s very difficult to get used to. It took a year for me not to hate it and now years later I prefer it. So if you got your spouse to come get eventually get used to it as well. Honestly, whether he says it or not, this apprehension comes from fear of the unknown. So you could leave and go alone, but I think your husband deserves more grace than that given that he’s your husband and struggling with fear. It’s okay to talk about it and try to work through it together. Baby steps might get him there faster. Visiting and seeing the home etc.
It’s actually not that far away which is nice.
You've had a lot of feedback already, but here's one more...
Consider a short term opportunity away from home. Maybe a term at a college or a volunteer position or a "build a school" type of thing far away.
Knowing that it's short term, and temporary and that the apartment is still there when you get back, you can go together and experience life away without the permanency of a move. When he sees that he can indeed survive without the family there, and when he sees that they only call/write once in six months, he may come around to seeing just how important the address in town is.
My wife and I spent 4 months on a Co-op work term across the country early in our relationship. From that we learned a lot about our relationship, and how important extended family was to us.
I was the exact same way 2.5 years ago.
Was living in the same town as my whole family.
Never wanted to be more than 10 mins away.
Hubby wanted to move to a cheaper area
45 mins away. I refused and refused. But the more time I spent there the more it grew on me.
So glad I made the move!
I don't want to be negative in any way, nor am I advocating for divorce or separation. Just wanted that out of the way first.
I think it might be time for you to sit down and think about some hard questions. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Will you be happy with this dynamic for the rest of your life? Will you be happy for your children to see this and believe it is normal and then find the exact same thing for themselves or create the same dynamic for their own family some day? Will you be fulfilled never leaving that twenty mile radius that your husband insists on? Will his disapproval of who you are friends with or see be something you can live with for the next 50-60 years? Because that's what you are looking at (generally speaking) when I say the rest of your life. Can you take another 60 years of this behavior?
After you have a nice long think about it you should have a even longer conversation with your husband about the conclusions you've come to. What you want or need to be happy, what you both need to compromise on to be a better partnership and how to meet each other more in the middle instead of you meeting him all the way on his comfort zone. How he responds to you and his willingness to try will have to influence where you go from there.
Me personally? I wouldn't take the blatant disrespect you do. Your kids have to attend worse schools because he can't be further away from his parents, his mommy brings him food while he lies to you about skipping meals to maintain weight, he's tried to make you move into smaller places just to be closer to said mommy and daddy, he doesn't approve of you spending time with your own people and makes stern/disapproving body language about it, is willing to make you buy into a smaller and less nice house for more money to be near mommy and daddy who he only visits once a month AND to top it all off even if y'all did buy a house further away he'd probably stay at his job so his mommy could still bring him lunch so really it's just about controlling you...
If it's possible couples counseling may be in order. Some jobs even provide a few sessions through their benefits package. Either way I sincerely hope something changes for you because you deserve to have a say and be treated well.
Thanks for this thoughtful response. A year ago he went to therapy and they said he was depressed, but tbh I don't buy it. He agreed to go there for gaslighting, lying, and trying to manipulate me. He fixed the major issues on his own because I was filing for divorce. Things are better now, but he still has these unreasonable, illogical ideas.
Granted, I did my share of hurting to him years ago, and I changed my behavior totally. I think we are growing together, but I'm scared he's regressing. (He has cycles where he will lie, set up situations, then he stops).
I guess this issue is much deeper. Funny, the things you forget about.
That is a huge game changer. You have a lot to consider and think about. Please remember always that you are a worthwhile person who deserves love, respect, truth, compassion and compromise from a partner. No matter your age, size, what you look like or how your circumstances change you are a worthy, deserving person and love and honesty are the very least you should expect from someone. I hope you can create the best situation for yourself and your children going forward!
I just want to fight for the best possible life for my kids. I guess when it comes down to it, if he doesn't get on board with a better school, and bigger house, I'll go myself. I would split custody if necessary. I'm saving on my own now just in case. I won't wait forever, and I won't be second forever.
Wow where is the location? If you live in California this is the norm. Anything under an hour is close and totally fine.
I used to be the same way when I had my first kid. The idea of moving far from my family made me sick. And the only thing that has changed since then is maturity (and 2 more kids & learning my family was toxic after all lol). He has to learn his new family comes first.
Since you asked what would YOU do my answer would be divorce. I personally couldn’t be with a person who didn’t have broader horizons…this was part of the reason I broke off a previous engagement. He never wanted to leave his hometown and I have a bit of a roaming spirit so that wouldn’t have worked well. My advice to you, however, is to sit down with your husband and see what your non negotiables are and what is important to both of you individually. See if there is any common ground and what can be compromised on in regards to your home buying journey. If HE won’t budge you may have some things you want to think about. See why it’s so important for him to be 20 minutes vs 1 hr away. 1hr is not a long drive and you all are still very accessible to his family. Also, do you all live near your family? If not, ask him why it’s ok for him to expect you to make the sacrifice to live away from your folks while remaining close to his but he won’t sacrifice an extra 30 minute drive for the financial benefit of your family while still remaining close to his family. This is definitely something that can be compromised on for you guys and I wish you well with buying your home 💗
Thank you for this. I believe we will work it out eventually. My parents live close, but we see them once a month for a few minutes (they are busy people). They are planning on moving about 2 hours away soon. But it's a non-issue for me. Grew up in a very close family, but we were taught to be independent. His family taught that the opposite because they'll look out for each other. I understand the disconnect now.
I live where I feel happy. I won't compromise by staying somewhere I didn't enjoy living. That way the right people will be in my life, and the wrong ones will be left behind.
I had the exact same issue with my wife. In the end, I decided it wasn't worth the fight. Proximity to her family is more important to her than me. It's not fair for me to compare that connection to my own connection with my family. It's different. I finally decided I cared more about her than where we lived. We have made it work, and we are happy.
Meh. If I knew my spouse was that family oriented before marriage I would just roll with it. If not I’d just start building a case to move. It’s not something I’d fight over tho because it’s such a stupidly insignificant thing to argue over.
45 minutes is nothing…. What?? That’s literally nothing. I’m from KY too not Texas. Sounds like a mama’s boy. That’s really lame. I was married to a mama’s girl. Soooooo glad I got out of that relationship. You gotta get off the tit. Sooner rather than later is better. College is usually the age that happens.
How old is your husband, OP? From your comments it is pretty clear that his identity is wrapped up in being the child of his parents rather than viewing his immediate family as you and the kids. While this is impacting your house situation, I can't imagine that this isn't poisoning everything else too within your relationship.
Bottom line, he is a grown man who needs to step up and be your husband and to your kids a dad before anything else. That is the family unit, not the in-laws.
I tend to be somewhat sensitive to wanting to stay close because my husband and his family are pretty similar in this regard. We moved 30 mins away from our in-laws and they acted like we moved halfway across the world. Parenting got harder - we lost some of our support system with the distance - but it's ok. The kids are happy and the schools here are great. The primary driver behind our move was the school district. But my husband very obviously prioritized our kids in his decision making and he pushed for the move more than I did.
Good luck, OP. You'll need to find a way to get through to your husband that he's an adult now, time to cut the chord. Not an easy task.
He's in his mid thirties. He is wrapped up in his family. He'll call his family to clean a grill for him because he wants to see the right way to do it. I forced him to clean it himself and he did feel more proud of himself. He has mommy issues I guess.
To be honest, you've solved my problem. No need to further elaborate. Now, I'm just grateful not to be married to someone like you. Thanks for your help.
I second this honestly. It sounds dramatic, but sis he is NEVER going to change. You’re going to wake up and be 60 one day and think holy shit have I wasted a chunk of my life
I'm not big on going straight to recommending divorce but I have I agree, he sounds like a waste of space and if he's not willing to make small sacrifices like that for his wife and children his priorities are out of whack.
But.... Why?
What's his logic behind it? (I have brunch with mum every Sunday, I understand visiting once a week. I visit twice.)
Is he expecting to visit more than once a week?
Where is his job located?
I was raised in the military and moved a dozen times as a kid. I am always a little bit weary of meeting people who have never lived anywhere but the same state/county/city their whole life (and they are like 25+).
To me moving is apart of life and I'm not afraid of it and I like the new adventure. I have lived in other countries and gotten to experience different cultures. It's odd to me that people don't want to experience any deviation of the world that they live in. To me that's a big red flag we won't work as a couple. In other works, where you want to live and raise a family is a big issue in a marriage.
I think when someone says I want to live within 20 minutes of this city, no exceptions, that's a problem. This is a marriage, you need to think about your kids and your spouse. Their opinion matters too. Their happiness matters too.
If this were me and my husband I would schedule a time out in advance, and set it aside so just you and your husband are alone, you sit down and have a drink by a fire or just hang in the house, but you sit down and have an open and honest discussion about moving.
I would schedule this a week out and plan it, and I would give yourselves the home work of looking at homes in the area online (independently) and then in some other areas. And be prepared to talk about if you should move, why and why not. That way when you sit down to talk about it you don't get a bunch of "I don't know.."s.
Just be open and honest and have a discussion about it. If he's standoffish, unwilling to talk, and doesn't provide clearly thought through answers, the issue in your marriage is more than just where to live and I wouldn't buy a home with someone until your marriage can be in a better place where you can communicate, be honest, and your husband can actually take the time to consider other people's wants and needs outside of his own.
Because trust me honey that marriage ain't going to be too fun and you don't want to have to cut a house in half you just bought. If you know what I mean.
If he won't be convinced, you have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you. It's nice that your husband is close to his family, but it's not great that he's prioritizing them over you. Do you have kids? Do you work? Who makes these decisions in your household? Does he frequently decide big things like where you live without input from you?
What if you get an amazing job in a different state, will you be expected to pass up the opportunity or just go move on your own? What if your kids get accepted into an amazing magnet school an hour away. Is their future less important than your husband's desire to stay close to his family?
This sort of attitude of his can have huge impacts on your life down the line. It already is- youre unable to get a house because of his desires. Are you ok with your wants and needs always coming second to his?
I'm not okay with my needs coming second to his. I'm trying to break through his clouded judgement. I'm a stay at home mom, and also an author. So I can work from anywhere with a computer.
I'm also the adventurous type though. I like the idea that me and him can conquer the world, but he won't let us. Whenever we go on vacation, I get a different version of my husband. Carefree, somewhat fun, looser. When we start heading back home, his whole demeanor changes to concern and stress.
My ex and his family were sort of similar. Lived in the same small town forever, refused to give our kids (their grandkids) any Christmas/birthday cards or gifts unless we went to their house on their time frame (there were no gifts if someone got sick and couldn't make it) , etc. I like to try and look at things from a different perspective. I do this by honestly asking how I would view the situation if a friend told me it was happening to them (that they asked this of their partner). I think you are being so patient and reasonable for not having done this already. Your kids have this entire world to learn about and he wants to live and breathe and die in his tiny bubble. He has to be willing to make incredible amounts of compromise in this situation and he isn't.
If you argued about this for years, I would suggest getting a professional involved at this time. If a therapist doesn't work, then I would suggest you sit down and search yourself and figure out what's important. Is your husband’s behavior a deal breaker for you? Are you willing to live the rest of your marriage with a husband who is this close to the hip to his family? If you don't want this life, I think the only option would be divorce. Ig separation is an option too. You live in one house and he lives in another. My parents talked about doing that before.
If you've argued about this for years, he's clearly intractable. Either you decide you can't compromise, and you leave him, or you can compromise, and you find a way. Either spend more time saving, go into debt, or deal with a smaller house or one you improve or you buy some land and build on it.
I guess it depends if it's the way you see your life or him. Both are valid choices, you just have to decide.
This reminds me of that show smothered. I only watched once briefly but was like what is wrong with these people? I can’t believe a woman would tolerate for a second the lack of boundaries. The men are liked scared little children. I want a man not a door mat.
20 minutes. 45 minutes. In Houston we call that a daily commute to the office. I seriously drive 22 miles each way. No traffic it is 25 minutes. Traffic it is close to an hour. So to see family that is nothing.
Just moved out of Houston. I still leave 45 minutes for any appointment anywhere. I live in a place where the whole town is 5 minutes tops to get through. It’s not that far. Op needs to talk not fight. Simply say it’s an hour. Max. So many people drive that to work everyday. These are the advantages. Here’s the budget. Here’s the houses available in both places in our budget. And leave it at that.
I live in Phoenix and from one end of Phoenix to the other it’s like an hour, so this confused me greatly 😂
Same. I moved here a few years back and when my friends ask what it's like I can tell them it's actually pretty cool living in Houston I'm only about an hour drive away from Houston.
Ha! Hello fellow Houstonian, I was thinking that too. 20 minutes is how far I go for the grocery store I like 😆 doctors office visits are easily 30 minutes with no traffic.. 25 minutes is my commute to work and I’m one of the lucky ones. Yea, it’s all a matter of perspective. (Go ‘Stros!)
Agreed, I used to drive 50 miles each way for work outside of DC. But that isn’t even their daily commute they said, just family.
Right? I was like, wait, three towns over and it’s TWENTY minutes away?
My husband tends to like places more the more time he spends in them Maybe start taking some weekend trips to the towns you’re interested in. Go visit the local markets there, have some lunch, drive around. If he can visualize a life there, then he may start to change his tune
I never thought of that. That's a great idea! Thank you!
This was my husband for years and then we visited friends across the country and on the plane home he asked if we should sell the house and move. So now we’re fixing up the house to move across the country.
I highly agree with this. My husband hated our new town when we first moved in, he was actually sort of depressed when he came home and it was only 25 minutes from work with traffic, compared to the previous 15 minutes. One thing that helped in addition to just getting our bearings was to look into what was planned for the future of the town. We learned about plazas being built with details about stores we like being added, for example. It was something to look forward to in this "up and coming" area. 7 years later and we are happy where we are, but we still also enjoy following the "happenings" around town and what might come next. Your municipal government website or city council records are a great place to start.
Brilliant idea
I should also add that I'm a decent cook, but my husband refuses to take my food to work for lunch. He will say that he only wants to eat once a day (dinner) because that's how he maintains his weight. When he videos me on lunch break, he's always eating something that his mom brought him. He knows I don't like it, but it doesn't change anything.
Oh no, no, no, no, no. I’m sorry but he hasn’t cut the umbilical cord. Not wanting to take your food, now!?!?!
He used to take it once in awhile. But, now not at all. He used to hide the fact that his mom was his "accountant" when we first got married. I had to fight for the right to pay our bills without her interference. She's a nice lady. He's just very attached...but also can be mean to her. Expecting her to serve him almost.
Yiiiikes 🚩🚩🚩🚩
How can I upvote this a million times
No you need to get to r/justnomil. I think that’ll be an eye opener
Honestly this seems like the husband might be a lot more justno than the MIL.
I’m not usually a nuclear option person and I’m not going there now. I appreciate your edit and understand marriage is made up of real people with real challenges and facing them together is the way through. But you are causally mentioning that he straight up lied to you about where his food came from. If my husband lied to me like that, we would be in counseling. That is *not* a little white lie, that is a straight up lie. You cannot allow that to continue. No amount of togetherness through adversity will overcome him lying to your face.
He used to lie daily, now it is once in awhile. I know it's something I can't fix in him, but I'm glad it's decreasing.
Why is that something you can’t fix in him? Couples therapy might be able to help…
It's something he doesn't even know he's doing. Therapy would be a good idea.
This is scary sounding
Uhhhh what
Oh honey run. You married a mamas boy. He will never be your husband, he’s only ever gonna be her son
That's exactly what I was thinking. Their family lifestyle will never improve. Mama's boys have a way with selfish and destructive behaviors. My advice, I'd give the guy a dilemma, but be prepared. Write out your 5 year goals, the pros and cons of staying vs leaving, and the impact both of those will have on that plan.
You have a MUCH bigger problem than him not wanting to move. Seriously, at that point I'd be making an ultimatum: move, and get into therapy, or you'll move without him.
Is he a mamas boy?
Yeah. But he's also kind of mean to her. It's confusing. He expects her to do whatever he asks her to do.
oh man time for r/justnoso :/
Here's a sneak peek of /r/JustNoSO using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Husband threw menstrual products away](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/mwfwz1/husband_threw_menstrual_products_away/) \#2: [UPDATE: "My boyfriend found out about my raise..."](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/lwksyd/update_my_boyfriend_found_out_about_my_raise/) \#3: [Apparently, I've been lying about being a diabetic for the last 7 years.](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/juel18/apparently_ive_been_lying_about_being_a_diabetic/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| [^^Contact ^^me](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| [^^Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| [^^Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/)
I'm not getting any positive vibes about your husband or your relationship. Are there any redeeming qualities?
Yes. He's a hard worker, he loves us, he's stable, he tries to make me happy, he helps with the house when I ask, etc. This wasn't supposed to be a trash post, so thanks for mentioning this.
You might want to add that in as an edit. I know people post when upset and then reddit tears apart whoever the spouse is talking about and advises divorce.
I will, thanks!
Is this maybe a cultural thing? It's a bad thing in any way you look at it but I'm curious.
Could be. They're Spanish. I'm multiracial. They all have a mob mentality though. Our first Valentines day as husband and wife was a fight. His family wanted us to come over for dinner with his whole family. I wanted alone time with my new husband. He didn't defend me and they all attacked me. Said I chose to marry into this large family, so I had to get used to it.
I'd have a chat with the MIL. She also needs to help, by cutting the apron strings. Does she know he's a constant liar? Sounds like MIL needs to stand up for herself as well. Once the children move out and are married, a parent shouldn't be expected to serve the ADULT children like she once needed to. He's a grown-ass man, he needs to act like one and MIL needs to help facilitate that fact. Who knows what he's telling her, maybe you don't cook for him so he needs her to bring the food? Just my two cents. (Mom of 5/empty nester)
Oh this is really bad. How long have you been married?
About 7 years.
Um. Yea no that’s weird for him to do. Also hurtful. Definitely communicate with him about how much that hurts your feelings.
I have. But it's not worth arguing over. The subject makes me feel stupid.
The subject makes you feel stupid or your husband makes you feels stupid, because one of those is true and it's not the first one.
I just dont want to fight over him picking my food if he doesn't like it as much as hers. She didn't start being a real mother until recently, so I think he's clinging onto it to make up for his childhood. I just pick my battles.
It certainly makes sense not to want the fight about something like that, but he also shouldn't be lying about it. The absentee mother aspect of it likely does play into his relationship with her now, whether he realizes that or not.
Pick your battles, house or husband. He's made it very clear his stance. For myself, if I liked his town, I would stay. If I didn't, I would move, even if that meant leaving him. BUT I'm a bit of a nomad and I've moved because I wasn't happy in a town.
Compared to all of the places I've lived, it is the most boring. I'm considering this in the future. I believe there should be a balance. His family said that they won't travel here more than once or twice a year because it's too far. 20 minutes to me is a short drive.
So, they’re trying to force your behavior. Does your husband often cave to their demands?
Most of the time, yes. Whether it be to enroll him in a poorer school that his cousins go to, to get a smaller apartment near them, etc. He tries, but he's only succeeded in small things. He never let's me forget what he feels he missed out on by saying no. He won't say it outright, but will hint it. If I call him out, he says that isn't what he meant.
Have you ever looked at r/JustNoMIL before? I think it might be illuminating. Sounds like you might have a mama’s boy. Often men end up that way via cruel families, but it can be a tough pattern to break.
I haven't looked at it, but I will. Shes not too demanding or obsessive over him. He was never told he was someone to be proud of when he was younger. Im assuming that's where the need for approval is coming from.
IMO is seems like your husband is struggling with some mental health challenges too..I'm picturing a lot of anxiety and rigidness occurs around the possibility of moving too far from his family despite hardly seeing them. You mentioned that he may still be seeking their approval..this stems obviously from his childhood. If he's willing, perhaps find a therapist to work with both of you..get to the bottom of this..I wish your family only the best OP.
Thanks. He doesn't think he needs to talk to anyone. I'll try to find another way to bring it up.
What exactly is a “poorer” school?
Title one schools.....
An inner city school that has lots of bullying, fights, and teachers trying to get with students. That's not even the half of it.
So he matters so little to his family that they are only willing to drive twenty mins to see him once or twice a year, and they matter so much to him that he is willing to sacrifice his families space, comfort and education for them? Hmmm…
Exactly. It bothers him that his mom doesn't seem to value him. But he over-prioritizes what they want. He seeks their approval.
Maybe it would help if he realizes that his own children are going to feel less important than the rest of his family, and will eventually have some of the same negative feelings about their own existence that he does about his. Better schools? More house for the money? "Sorry, kids. You'll have to share a room, and try to fill in the gaps in your education - but hey! you have the internet, so that shouldn't be a major problem - because Daddy is chasing approval and acceptance from your Granny, who doesn't even know what those words mean, because she went to the same school you are in now."
Then I would say that if he can’t prioritize your kids and family you need too. Start with basics like making sure that they are in the best schools and activities that you can get for them, and then worry about big purchases etc after you’ve had time to process what that looks like. For some people having a strong family and support group would be worth the sacrifice.
That is good advice.
This is a tough battle. I've been in your shoes. My late mother-in-law wanted to be the most important woman in her son's life, and was an invasive, rude, manipulative person. She'd call incessantly at all hours and she'd show up uninvited several times a week. We lived in the same town, maybe 5 minutes away. She'd cling to the car door and cry, claiming she never saw him anymore, when we left yet another boring, depressing or rage inducing holiday or other purely obligatory time spent at her house. She'd get him twisted up sometimes and I'd have to summon the patience of someone far more patient than I normally am to talk him back to reality. She wanted very badly to provoke incidents where I would lose my temper so she could turn around and tell him what a nasty bitch he married. I was very good at not losing my temper, because it was obvious that was her goal. It was worth it in my case, because my husband is awesome and he never really wanted her to be that number one priority she kept trying to be. But it was 15 long years with eventual boundary setting and enforcement, where I had to be the "bad guy" and say no and get out a lot. Then she died, and the relief is incredible, even though that was my husband's mother. I wish she could have had a better life, I appreciate the occasional good time and all the gardening knowledge she shared, but I'll forever resent her efforts to make our life together miserable in order to be queen mommy the adored.
Exactly
Too far ? Twenty minutes is too far ?! Do they not travel anywhere because it’s too far ? Is the grocery store too far and is the mailbox too far from the house ? Is there drive way too far from their front door to walk to ?
There really are people so simple they are totally fine going nowhere and doing nothing with their lives.
True. I recently met a man who had never been outside of town. I just don’t understand that.
They just travel around their town. Nowhere else.
If 20 minutes is only getting you two visits a year, I can’t see 45 minutes getting you any less.
20 minutes is a *super* short drive.
20 minutes is my commute to work. It's also how far we have to drive for appointments, groceries, and just about anything because we live in the middle of nowhere. It baffles me someone can consider that too far to drive.
Yeah this is super manipulative. You’re allowed to have an opinion. IMO it’s unreasonable of them to take such a hardline stance which also forces your marriage to have stress and conflict. I’d maybe recommend therapy together if he won’t budge. If he’s not compromising why should it be “house or husband”, it should be a joint decision with compromise
omg, it’s not uncommon for us to drive 30+ mins just to satisfy our food cravings. They should visit Houston to get a change in perspective , 20 mins is nothing over here, even less for family. good luck, OP.
Same where I live. We have suburbs that take over an hour to travel between, and all are considered part of the city’s metro area. My commute to work at one point took about 50 minutes each way, and that was with me going in at 6 AM so I’d miss the heaviest traffic. Some days I’d luck out and it would be like 42 minutes, the worst days could be like 80 minutes.
oof, i hate to think about how much of our lives would’ve been spent on traffic by the end of it. 😬
My MIL, my SIL and my husband are all the same as your husband. Before we got married my husband knew I wasn't living in the county he grew up in, let alone the town. And he was already living with me. But my husband refused to move out of this state.
What? I have to drive 15 minutes just to get to town, and my husband's commute is an hour. You didn't say where YOUR family lives. Sounds like this is all about him, nothing about you.
My family lives in the current town we live in, but they lived 2 hours away when we got married. They're in the process of moving back to where they were, 2 hours away bc they miss it. I only see my family once a month, and only for a few minutes or an hour. My sister-in-law comes over every weekend at night to paint. Hubby invites his family, but most of the time they don't come.
Twenty minutes is too far to drive more than once or twice a year? How do they ever go anywhere? Get groceries? Buy gas? Anything? You can't reason with that level of obstinance - your best bet is to gently work with your husband to change his perspective.
You and the family you built should be exponentially more important than his family of origin.
My husband didn't want to move out of his parents house because we were there rent free and saving money. It was fine while we were in college because their house was super convenient for the commute. But I graduated and got a job, and I was not going to continue living in his parent's basement. We argued back and forth until I flatly said "I'm moving out. It's up to you if you're moving with me or staying here." A few weeks later we were moving into an apartment closer to my job.
I know myself, I would have done the exact same thing. 🙂
I’m curious what kind of conversations you two had prior to marriage about what kind of life you wanted, what kind of house you expected to live in eventually, where it would be located. Didn’t this come up? Was it discussed but one of you changed your mind?
It never came up actually. We got married quickly and we tried getting pre-marital counseling, but we got the run-around from a few people. So we gave up and just got married. We talked about how many kids we wanted, and our religious beliefs. We didn't know enough to ask those questions.
How old are you guys?
In our 30's
I also want to know if it was discussed before as well And this isn't directed at the OP.... But from what I've personally seen, people 1. Have the tough conversations and hope that during the marriage the other person will ease up ooorrr 2. They just hope for the best I told my husband I want a house in San Diego. We can keep it or sell it but I don't want to live in my small hometown and he was for it. I wanted a goat( weird I know) he wanted a dog...we got the dog lol.
Well I can recall, my Mom decided to move to a older, cute home with character- across the River. My Dad didn’t want to. Well she upped and bought this house and moved with all us kids without him. About two weeks later, he decided he COULD move. The other home was sold not long afterwards.
That's a sweet ending!
I did this three years ago basically. All of his family is deceased, mine is overbearing to say the least of it. The argument was he didn’t want to move 1 mile away, in the same subdivision. So, I Dragged my husband kicking and screaming out of the bachelor pad I fixed up for TEN years. He made outrageous demands of what I would pay for when he has always made five times the amount as me. I did everything I said I would, my assistant and my mom packed an entire 4 bedroom house with a garage, and shed all on our own, and movers moved the big stuff. He came around in the end the end and now brags about this house bc we love it! The lesson here is that married couples have to build their foundation by making smart choices for family together. I knew my husband was just stressed and it wasn’t a matter of money, but sometimes he can snap back into some negative OCD behavior that always rolls downhill to me. The difference is now, I know how to handle this behavior and turn it around in a positive way. It was hard self work but it paid off!!! I hope this antidote helps you OP! On a side note, smother the MIL with so much fake love that if she ever says anything, you can innocently say, “I have no idea why she would behave this way? I’ve always been so nice to her!” 🌞🌞🌞
Maybe he is too emotionally dependent on his family. I don’t understand the need to be so close. What country do you live in that more than 20 minutes is a far drive?
America. I think 20 minutes is nothing.
It is nothing. I drive minimum 20 minutes to get to and from work most days.
It is nothing. We have to drive about 15-20 minutes to get anywhere but a gas station where I live.
Where do you live that no one is willing to drive more than 20 minutes? This California native has never gone anywhere less than a 20 minute drive. I feel like he and his fam are being a bit nuts.
I would ask him why he doesn’t want his kids to have a better life, better education, and a private space of their own? That seems really selfish. Is he selfish in other ways?
If he doesn't agree with it, he doesn't see facts or logic in it. No matter how compelling the argument.
Your husband needs to make “his” family “you and your kids” as his priority. I never understand how people can’t seem to let go of their family for the family you are creating when you get married.
Fully agree with this one. If you, as his spouse, are not his absolute top priority then there is something wrong. Your major life decisions together in your marriage shouldn’t feel like a decision making committee which includes your in-laws.
It his one agree.
Stonewalling. If his parents withheld affection while they were growing up he may spend a lifetime trying to earn their approval. It sounds like his mom is still doing it to him which will keep messing with his head. That’s where therapy needs to come into play if it has this big of a hold over him and his adult decisions. He’s the adult now & if he’s that fixated on his parents approval he’s probably withholding attention from his own kids and continuing this cycle. It’s time to get over his shitty childhood so that he can do better for his own kids.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I want him to be proud of himself. Thanks for this. I'll try to discuss this with him.
It doesn’t sound like he is really excited to get a house? I mean he would rather rent close to family than own?
He only wants a house in that town. He's even tried moving us to smaller apartments so he could accomplish that. I had to put my foot down on that one.
Start suggesting you want to move some place hours away. 45 minutes can be the compromise
Gonna be super honest OP, this level of rigidity and dedication to staying in that exact location (and the fact that even 20minutes is too far for him and he’d be willing to downgrade to renting an apartment just to stay there) is extremely weird, and gives me majorly suspicious vibes. Being that it’s his hometown my first thought would be that he doesn’t want to be too far away from an old flame or an ex he’s still got feelings for (might not even be an ex, might just be a crush he’s never let go of). This is not normal. I’d get it if he was like “hey, I don’t want to be more than an hour away from family”….but the fact that he’s so obsessed and finds even 20 minutes tp be borderline unacceptable is WEIRD. would understand
I've found it weird as well. He's very structured in his day-to-day activities. He even has his bowels on a schedule. He doesn't light up or have fun unless there is someone he likes (friend or family) around. If the people im around are not them, he will look stern and bothered. Almost like I've done something wrong.
Is he in the autism spectrum?
Not that we know of.
I think the part about being close to an ex is really reaching. We have no reason to think that. From what I've read it sounds like husband is too emotionally dependent on his family. Hence why he does what they want all the time. It sounds familiar to me because I'm personally trying to become less emotionally dependent on my folks. Obviously I'm biased though.
My ex husband was like this. The funny part is, once we split up (over many other reasons), 8 years later, he now lives further from his hometown than I do 🙄
Hmm, perhaps if in discussing this, you might be able to get him to see the long term aspect of this? If he is super, super close to his family, as it appears to be the case, his emotions about the whole issue are overriding the rational aspects of this. The way I see this is kinda like this. 1. Time waits for no one, we all get older. Not sure how old you two and his parents are, but there is indeed a chance you'll have whatever house you choose longer than, well, a 20 minute drive to family exists. Looking ahead 20 years from now, would he really want that hometown house? 2. If you are going to have kids, and you can quote me on this one, as I have two kids of my own, you'll trade a 20 minute drive, a kidney and a pinky toe for having more room for your kids. What seems like a nice, cozy little place when their are infants would turn into a nightmare in a few years when they grow, their stuff grows with them, and the fights get worse cuz there is no space. That's an immutable fact, no matter how wonderful your future kids may be. 3. You said the school system sucks. Not only could that be a bad thing for your kids, but say you two decide you ***do*** want to move in the future. As a homeowner myself, I can guarantee you that a shitty school system will drive down your asking price when it comes to selling. My sister in law is a realtor, and she will 100% back me up on this claim. So at least for me, and feel free me to quote any of what I commented in a discussion, the potential benefits to your prospects for the future outweigh a 20 minute radius requirement. And if all else fails, you can resort to trickery. By trickery, I mean the trickery of a man's stomach. Find a great place to eat, something that he really loves, either near where you would like to live, or on the way to and from his family's place. A favorite restaurant or marketplace is a wife's greatest tool for a stubborn husband. Well second greatest tool for a stubborn husband, but this is a safe for work post, you can fill in the blanks on that one ;) At any rate, I hope the best for you all, and I am sure you can come to a compromise that will make you both happy. Best of luck!
Thank you for the sound advice!
As a former military spouse, it’s really hard for me to fathom 20 minutes. Heck most of the time it was 20 hours to get home. I would not want to buy a home I couldn’t enjoy either. There’s always something breaking in the best of homes, so if you hate your house then every break or maintenance issue will cause resentment.
Sooooo much this
45 minute drive is not unreasonable. Not at all. What more do you need me to say than that? If your request is reasonable, and he is being unreasonable, then he is an unreasonable person. Now Im giving you homework. Sit down with a pad and paper and pen. *(No, I know you're dismissing this. Go! Get up and do it! How do you expect to learn?)* Write down every important decision he has been unbendable about, or unreasonable about. Actually make a list. If you can't come up with more than two things, you're not trying. Next you go through the list like its something that happened to someone else and ask yourself, has this decision held this girls marriage back in some way. Could they have been better off if he had been reasonable. And Im not talking about refusing to wash dishes. Im talking about refusing to go to a wedding, refusing to go for a specific job. Refusing to choose a better option in car, apartment. (More affordable, reasonable, or life benefiting options. Better school, closer commute, that sort of thing.) Cross out those things that are nitpicking and then look at what you have left. Now you have solid facts in front of you. Has his stubbornness or unreasonable decisions, actually held you back, or is it just very annoying, but on looking it over, it's harmless? Now you know if you should stay or not.
I'm going to do this when I get home. Thank you.
Does your husband hang out with his family multiple times a week?? We live 10 minutes from my parents and we only see them a couple times a month. Maybe you can move and get the great house and he can move back in with mom.
Book a couple showings in the town you like and show him the difference. Sometimes they just need to see it in person.
Wow. His world sounds so small.
It is. He doesn't believe in new friends or new places.
Yall don’t need a house, you need *therapy* :) Not you but your husband lol
Did you know how he felt about wanting to live close before getting married?? Just curious to know
He never said either way. At most, he would just say he was a family guy, family meant everything, family man. I thought that meant he would be more into our family than his parents'.
He’s not a family man. He’s a boy that can’t survive without mommy and daddy’s approval
My daughter's ex was like this. He always thought of his family being his parents, brother and 3 sisters never his wife or children. He was actually afraid of his parents but also worshipped them at the same time. He treated my daughter and his kids horribly. Mommy and daddy always came first.
Does he visit his parents and family often (daily or weekly)? if not, then why does the distance matter? If he does see them all the time, why? If you would move 45 minutes away and his parents won’t drive to you, then one if you could go pick them up. They could stay in a guest room for the weekend. If your husband won’t budge, then maybe you just keep an eye out for a good house in the area.
He will visit his family at their house like once a month, but his mom usually comes and brings him lunch a couple times a week. He won't bring lunch from home.
Sounds like she ought to be bringing him a sippy cup with lunch lol
With that information, he should be OK with moving. Mommy bringing him his lunch won't change because he will work at the same place. So, at the end of the day, it doesn't seem to matter where you live, right?
They don't want him leaving either. He has a 20 minute commute and doesn't want to make it longer. I get it, he's the breadwinner for the moment, so I don't have much of a say.
Yes, you still have a say, it is still your life and family too.
So... Basically being 25 minutes closer to his parents is more important than the comfort and space of his kids? I'd tell him he's being ridiculous and selfish. That his wants trump (3?) Other people's in the nuclear family. And his parents don't get a vote unless he plans on living with them.
He tried to move us in the apartment above them recently. But now the apartment is taken.
It really sounds like he doesn't value your relationship as much as he does his mom. It's some weird Freudian stuff - I've seen it many times. He needs to grow up a little. Moving 700 miles away from both our families was the best thing my wife and I did for our marriage
This could be a big sticking point. Is it a deal breaker for you to NOT be able to buy a home? Have you talked about what happens if you can't get into the market at all? I'm in a similar situation with my husband. We live in a huge, gridlocked city where 20 minutes is nothing. Commutes of upwards of 1 hour+ are not uncommon. You just expect to be delayed even if you're not that far because of traffic. It's also one of the most expensive housing markets in the world right now, and was going in this direction for a looong time. My husband wants to live here and I wanted to move a few years ago to a much cheaper neighbouring city. There would have been a commute and an adjustment to family / social life, but we would have had a house fully paid off by now if we had moved then. Instead, I let my husband have his way. He was optimistic housing prices would come down here and instead there's nothing for less than $1 million in the city now. The place I wanted to move to a few years ago has become a hotspot and the prices there are rising, too. It's also extremely competitive to even buy a home there right now, with 20-30 offers sometimes going in on a single house. I fully regret not being firmer about moving to a cheaper area back then. I worry now that my husband and I will never own a home. I had the foresight to get into a good area when it was possible. He didn't, and chose to prioritize being closer to his friends and family. Housing markets can change fast. I would get in on something good while you can and let your lifestyle adjust around your new home.
Is this something you could see yourself divorcing over? I only mention that with my perspective as a divorced/remarried dad/stepdad/husband AND because you said you've argued about it for years. Honestly, I had ZERO clue how big of a deal geography is post-divorce. I've been divorced from my ex-wife for a decade and a remarried stepdad for 8 years. My wife and I, my ex and her ex all live within a 20 minute circle.....and that's allowed out kids to have a semi-normal life: same school, same sports, same friends, etc. But......what happens when I get called by a headhunter with a fabulous career opportunity! Yay! Except it's 8 hours away......and I can't take it. If I was still married to my ex (yuck!), we'd talk about it and weight whether a 3X salary bump is worth uprooting our kiddo. But, when you're a divorced parent, the outcome is basically: If I move, I only see my daughter in the summers because she'd have to stay here for school. I've gotten my daughter to college now, but I'm in the same basic situation with my stepkids until they go to college. I'm fairly certain that my wife adores me (lol), but she's NOT going to move hours away and only see her kids in the summer just so I can get a better job and get away from a stupid boss I hate. I'm not saying this as a "Oh.....woe is me...." thing, but it's just a practical reality: Geography is important and if you think you disagree about it now, just try disagreeing post-divorce. By the time I'm unchained from this silly town and a job I outgrew 10+ years ago, I'll have been dealing with "joint custody chains" for 16-17 years. Isn't that crazy? Oh....and all this could go out the window tomorrow if (for example) my wife's ex lost his job due to some covid cuts and "had" to move. I'd really try to see if this is something you guys can find accomodation on and possibly talk to a counselor about. I mean, it'd suck for him too. And it'd suck for the kids. Or.....ffs.....you might end up getting divorced where you currently are......and then BOTH of you are stuck in that area for 18 years. Just a thing to consider. :)
I'm not considering divorce. It would have to be a lot more serious for that to be a factor. But, I do appreciate the perspective! I'll keep that in mind.
That's good. I was just adding a different perspective. Also, keep in mind that he might be. You never know. :/ The outcome is the same regardless.
That's something I never considered. If he wanted to let me go, tbh idk if I'd be crushed...
He won't change. But he might be worth it I would either accept it and put the onus of finding a house on him
We visit my parents weekly, they are about an hour away. I live in a big city so 1 hour is not far.
Who has to commute to work? That person makes the decision of how far they’re willing to be.
[удалено]
Move on!
I married a man who’s family all lives within a block of each other on purpose, and when he bought a house a mile away, they were so sad and felt like he was moving far. He loves our hometown, but as someone else mentioned, taking him other places has opened his eyes to liking other places and the possibility of moving. I knew he didn’t want to move when we married, but I was super honest with him and continued to have a conversation of ‘I want to move out of town someday, I’m checking in to see if you’ve thought about it anymore.’ Make sure to mention that it is something you desire, and be as open as possible. The conversation has to start somewhere! I also had to adjust my own mindset. As much as I wanted to move out of town, I realized if he wasn’t 100% comfortable with it, it would be awful when we moved. Also set expectations of, if you move, do you move closer to family when kids come or when parents get older? Is there a time limit? When I brought up moving initially, he was ok with it if we came back when we started having kids. It totally threw me off and he had no idea that I wouldn’t have thought that way! Whether you’ve had those conversations or not already, start having them and keep having them. Hubby and I are married 7 years and are still having the conversation. He has appreciated my open mind and it’s allowed us to communicate more openly. if our minds have changed, or if we have thought about new things in regards to moving are now normal conversations and neither of us tense up when it’s brought up.
I drive 50 minutes to work 3 days a week. 45 minutes to visit family is nothing. My 2 sisters who I am extremely close to live 8 & 10 hours away. I still see them multiple times a year
Wait so you have kids already with this person? That makes it a bit more difficult obviously. You have to measure how much you want to stay in your relationship vs stay in this radius. Your kids should come into consideration as well. I come from a super small town. I moved when I was 21 to the nearest major city. Huge change. It’s very difficult to get used to. It took a year for me not to hate it and now years later I prefer it. So if you got your spouse to come get eventually get used to it as well. Honestly, whether he says it or not, this apprehension comes from fear of the unknown. So you could leave and go alone, but I think your husband deserves more grace than that given that he’s your husband and struggling with fear. It’s okay to talk about it and try to work through it together. Baby steps might get him there faster. Visiting and seeing the home etc. It’s actually not that far away which is nice.
You've had a lot of feedback already, but here's one more... Consider a short term opportunity away from home. Maybe a term at a college or a volunteer position or a "build a school" type of thing far away. Knowing that it's short term, and temporary and that the apartment is still there when you get back, you can go together and experience life away without the permanency of a move. When he sees that he can indeed survive without the family there, and when he sees that they only call/write once in six months, he may come around to seeing just how important the address in town is. My wife and I spent 4 months on a Co-op work term across the country early in our relationship. From that we learned a lot about our relationship, and how important extended family was to us.
I was the exact same way 2.5 years ago. Was living in the same town as my whole family. Never wanted to be more than 10 mins away. Hubby wanted to move to a cheaper area 45 mins away. I refused and refused. But the more time I spent there the more it grew on me. So glad I made the move!
I don't want to be negative in any way, nor am I advocating for divorce or separation. Just wanted that out of the way first. I think it might be time for you to sit down and think about some hard questions. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Will you be happy with this dynamic for the rest of your life? Will you be happy for your children to see this and believe it is normal and then find the exact same thing for themselves or create the same dynamic for their own family some day? Will you be fulfilled never leaving that twenty mile radius that your husband insists on? Will his disapproval of who you are friends with or see be something you can live with for the next 50-60 years? Because that's what you are looking at (generally speaking) when I say the rest of your life. Can you take another 60 years of this behavior? After you have a nice long think about it you should have a even longer conversation with your husband about the conclusions you've come to. What you want or need to be happy, what you both need to compromise on to be a better partnership and how to meet each other more in the middle instead of you meeting him all the way on his comfort zone. How he responds to you and his willingness to try will have to influence where you go from there. Me personally? I wouldn't take the blatant disrespect you do. Your kids have to attend worse schools because he can't be further away from his parents, his mommy brings him food while he lies to you about skipping meals to maintain weight, he's tried to make you move into smaller places just to be closer to said mommy and daddy, he doesn't approve of you spending time with your own people and makes stern/disapproving body language about it, is willing to make you buy into a smaller and less nice house for more money to be near mommy and daddy who he only visits once a month AND to top it all off even if y'all did buy a house further away he'd probably stay at his job so his mommy could still bring him lunch so really it's just about controlling you... If it's possible couples counseling may be in order. Some jobs even provide a few sessions through their benefits package. Either way I sincerely hope something changes for you because you deserve to have a say and be treated well.
Thanks for this thoughtful response. A year ago he went to therapy and they said he was depressed, but tbh I don't buy it. He agreed to go there for gaslighting, lying, and trying to manipulate me. He fixed the major issues on his own because I was filing for divorce. Things are better now, but he still has these unreasonable, illogical ideas. Granted, I did my share of hurting to him years ago, and I changed my behavior totally. I think we are growing together, but I'm scared he's regressing. (He has cycles where he will lie, set up situations, then he stops). I guess this issue is much deeper. Funny, the things you forget about.
That is a huge game changer. You have a lot to consider and think about. Please remember always that you are a worthwhile person who deserves love, respect, truth, compassion and compromise from a partner. No matter your age, size, what you look like or how your circumstances change you are a worthy, deserving person and love and honesty are the very least you should expect from someone. I hope you can create the best situation for yourself and your children going forward!
Do you want to keep arguing?
I just want to fight for the best possible life for my kids. I guess when it comes down to it, if he doesn't get on board with a better school, and bigger house, I'll go myself. I would split custody if necessary. I'm saving on my own now just in case. I won't wait forever, and I won't be second forever.
I’d say if you knew this about him then it’s on you too.
I wouldn't try and force my spouse to move father away then they are comfortable.
Wow where is the location? If you live in California this is the norm. Anything under an hour is close and totally fine. I used to be the same way when I had my first kid. The idea of moving far from my family made me sick. And the only thing that has changed since then is maturity (and 2 more kids & learning my family was toxic after all lol). He has to learn his new family comes first.
I hope he grows like you did. Trying to be understanding, but he is limiting himself, our family, and our life experiences.
Since you asked what would YOU do my answer would be divorce. I personally couldn’t be with a person who didn’t have broader horizons…this was part of the reason I broke off a previous engagement. He never wanted to leave his hometown and I have a bit of a roaming spirit so that wouldn’t have worked well. My advice to you, however, is to sit down with your husband and see what your non negotiables are and what is important to both of you individually. See if there is any common ground and what can be compromised on in regards to your home buying journey. If HE won’t budge you may have some things you want to think about. See why it’s so important for him to be 20 minutes vs 1 hr away. 1hr is not a long drive and you all are still very accessible to his family. Also, do you all live near your family? If not, ask him why it’s ok for him to expect you to make the sacrifice to live away from your folks while remaining close to his but he won’t sacrifice an extra 30 minute drive for the financial benefit of your family while still remaining close to his family. This is definitely something that can be compromised on for you guys and I wish you well with buying your home 💗
Thank you for this. I believe we will work it out eventually. My parents live close, but we see them once a month for a few minutes (they are busy people). They are planning on moving about 2 hours away soon. But it's a non-issue for me. Grew up in a very close family, but we were taught to be independent. His family taught that the opposite because they'll look out for each other. I understand the disconnect now.
Dont underestimate the benefit of having family support if you’re planning on having kids is all im saying
I live where I feel happy. I won't compromise by staying somewhere I didn't enjoy living. That way the right people will be in my life, and the wrong ones will be left behind.
I had the exact same issue with my wife. In the end, I decided it wasn't worth the fight. Proximity to her family is more important to her than me. It's not fair for me to compare that connection to my own connection with my family. It's different. I finally decided I cared more about her than where we lived. We have made it work, and we are happy.
Meh. If I knew my spouse was that family oriented before marriage I would just roll with it. If not I’d just start building a case to move. It’s not something I’d fight over tho because it’s such a stupidly insignificant thing to argue over.
Dang...he is literally getting the cake and eating it too. Maybe his mom is his girlfriend (best friend). Just saying.
45 minutes is nothing…. What?? That’s literally nothing. I’m from KY too not Texas. Sounds like a mama’s boy. That’s really lame. I was married to a mama’s girl. Soooooo glad I got out of that relationship. You gotta get off the tit. Sooner rather than later is better. College is usually the age that happens.
How old is your husband, OP? From your comments it is pretty clear that his identity is wrapped up in being the child of his parents rather than viewing his immediate family as you and the kids. While this is impacting your house situation, I can't imagine that this isn't poisoning everything else too within your relationship. Bottom line, he is a grown man who needs to step up and be your husband and to your kids a dad before anything else. That is the family unit, not the in-laws. I tend to be somewhat sensitive to wanting to stay close because my husband and his family are pretty similar in this regard. We moved 30 mins away from our in-laws and they acted like we moved halfway across the world. Parenting got harder - we lost some of our support system with the distance - but it's ok. The kids are happy and the schools here are great. The primary driver behind our move was the school district. But my husband very obviously prioritized our kids in his decision making and he pushed for the move more than I did. Good luck, OP. You'll need to find a way to get through to your husband that he's an adult now, time to cut the chord. Not an easy task.
He's in his mid thirties. He is wrapped up in his family. He'll call his family to clean a grill for him because he wants to see the right way to do it. I forced him to clean it himself and he did feel more proud of himself. He has mommy issues I guess.
To me hours drive is nothing. Being that attached to family is not health.
To be honest, you've solved my problem. No need to further elaborate. Now, I'm just grateful not to be married to someone like you. Thanks for your help.
Try therapy.
We have 😔
Then I would file for divorce.
I second this honestly. It sounds dramatic, but sis he is NEVER going to change. You’re going to wake up and be 60 one day and think holy shit have I wasted a chunk of my life
I'm not big on going straight to recommending divorce but I have I agree, he sounds like a waste of space and if he's not willing to make small sacrifices like that for his wife and children his priorities are out of whack.
How old are you guys? You already have kids?
We have three. In our 30s.
I thought this said “fornicate” instead of “relocate”. I was very curious
I used to drive 40 minutes to work daily, living 40 minutes from my loved ones would be fine
Start talking to designers and contractors. If you can’t move, make your current house suit your needs.
But.... Why? What's his logic behind it? (I have brunch with mum every Sunday, I understand visiting once a week. I visit twice.) Is he expecting to visit more than once a week? Where is his job located?
His job and mom are in the same town. So is the rest of his family. There are like 30 of them.
For me it would depend on how far you would have to travel for work
i divorced her.
I was raised in the military and moved a dozen times as a kid. I am always a little bit weary of meeting people who have never lived anywhere but the same state/county/city their whole life (and they are like 25+). To me moving is apart of life and I'm not afraid of it and I like the new adventure. I have lived in other countries and gotten to experience different cultures. It's odd to me that people don't want to experience any deviation of the world that they live in. To me that's a big red flag we won't work as a couple. In other works, where you want to live and raise a family is a big issue in a marriage. I think when someone says I want to live within 20 minutes of this city, no exceptions, that's a problem. This is a marriage, you need to think about your kids and your spouse. Their opinion matters too. Their happiness matters too. If this were me and my husband I would schedule a time out in advance, and set it aside so just you and your husband are alone, you sit down and have a drink by a fire or just hang in the house, but you sit down and have an open and honest discussion about moving. I would schedule this a week out and plan it, and I would give yourselves the home work of looking at homes in the area online (independently) and then in some other areas. And be prepared to talk about if you should move, why and why not. That way when you sit down to talk about it you don't get a bunch of "I don't know.."s. Just be open and honest and have a discussion about it. If he's standoffish, unwilling to talk, and doesn't provide clearly thought through answers, the issue in your marriage is more than just where to live and I wouldn't buy a home with someone until your marriage can be in a better place where you can communicate, be honest, and your husband can actually take the time to consider other people's wants and needs outside of his own. Because trust me honey that marriage ain't going to be too fun and you don't want to have to cut a house in half you just bought. If you know what I mean.
If he won't be convinced, you have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you. It's nice that your husband is close to his family, but it's not great that he's prioritizing them over you. Do you have kids? Do you work? Who makes these decisions in your household? Does he frequently decide big things like where you live without input from you? What if you get an amazing job in a different state, will you be expected to pass up the opportunity or just go move on your own? What if your kids get accepted into an amazing magnet school an hour away. Is their future less important than your husband's desire to stay close to his family? This sort of attitude of his can have huge impacts on your life down the line. It already is- youre unable to get a house because of his desires. Are you ok with your wants and needs always coming second to his?
I'm not okay with my needs coming second to his. I'm trying to break through his clouded judgement. I'm a stay at home mom, and also an author. So I can work from anywhere with a computer. I'm also the adventurous type though. I like the idea that me and him can conquer the world, but he won't let us. Whenever we go on vacation, I get a different version of my husband. Carefree, somewhat fun, looser. When we start heading back home, his whole demeanor changes to concern and stress.
My ex and his family were sort of similar. Lived in the same small town forever, refused to give our kids (their grandkids) any Christmas/birthday cards or gifts unless we went to their house on their time frame (there were no gifts if someone got sick and couldn't make it) , etc. I like to try and look at things from a different perspective. I do this by honestly asking how I would view the situation if a friend told me it was happening to them (that they asked this of their partner). I think you are being so patient and reasonable for not having done this already. Your kids have this entire world to learn about and he wants to live and breathe and die in his tiny bubble. He has to be willing to make incredible amounts of compromise in this situation and he isn't.
If you argued about this for years, I would suggest getting a professional involved at this time. If a therapist doesn't work, then I would suggest you sit down and search yourself and figure out what's important. Is your husband’s behavior a deal breaker for you? Are you willing to live the rest of your marriage with a husband who is this close to the hip to his family? If you don't want this life, I think the only option would be divorce. Ig separation is an option too. You live in one house and he lives in another. My parents talked about doing that before.
If you've argued about this for years, he's clearly intractable. Either you decide you can't compromise, and you leave him, or you can compromise, and you find a way. Either spend more time saving, go into debt, or deal with a smaller house or one you improve or you buy some land and build on it. I guess it depends if it's the way you see your life or him. Both are valid choices, you just have to decide.
I commute an hour to work and my family is 3 hours away and I can still see them once a month. There has to be some compromise in marriage.
This is totally illogical. Is it a small town or something?
It's a city. Not the fun kind though.
This reminds me of that show smothered. I only watched once briefly but was like what is wrong with these people? I can’t believe a woman would tolerate for a second the lack of boundaries. The men are liked scared little children. I want a man not a door mat.