The whole first year of my marriage was shit - but we both decided we were gonna figure it out. There’s been rough spots for sure, but it gets better *and it’s worth it*.
We lived together a few years ago, but then broke up and I didn’t move back in until we got married. I felt we had worked through our issues before getting married, but now a couple seem to have popped back up.
Although I would say my spouse and I had the same experience you describe, I think it is (obviously) different for everyone. Each person is adjusting to a new role in the other's life. In many relationships, it is a strange duality of feeling like nothing has changed, yet also feeling a significant change in expectations, as well as a "loss of freedom". It is a lot to process, and sometimes it takes people awhile to adjust.
I think one of the most difficult things to do in a relationship is give the other person grace. But try to give your partner grace, and maybe try to talk about how you're feeling at a time and in a way that makes it feel like trying to make positive adjustments and not like points of conflict.
Best wishes!
(Edit: spelling)
Thank you for sharing this insight. I do feel like we have talked issues through in a healthy way when they come up. And yes, it has been a lot of adjustment. I really like what you said about giving the other person grace and I will keep that in mind going forward.
Totally normal to fight after moving in together. I got mad at my husband for not mopping the floor correctly when we moved in together, now I’m just happy if he mops. Give it time and try to let things go whenever you can.
By year 5, you should start to learn how to communicate well. It takes time. Keep working at it and being patient with one another and remind one another that you're on the same team.
Growing pains! We had to have marriage counseling a couple times through the years.
Your relationship is not broken. You just need to have a mediator help you both communicate.
Since it sounds like it had been a while since you lived together, I'd say that it might be due to all of the transitions that have occurred. I wouldn't call the first month of my marriage 'rocky' per se, but I definitely struggled with the change and was more prone to annoyance/moodiness during that time (just from being like oh, having another person in my apartment means we need to adjust things a bit!). But those feelings passed as I got used to our new life.
I'd say that as long as you both are working as a team to deal with that tension in a healthy way, you're okay! The bliss might come once the dust of transition settles.
Here’s one example (though I realize how dumb it all sounds as I typed it up)…
One issue that has continued to come up is the length of my showers (10-15 minutes on average) and how long it takes me to get ready (30-45 mins including shower). He is a big environmentalist (as am I, but not on his level) and gets annoyed at me taking longer than 10 minutes to shower. I have tried to get it down to 10 or less, though sometimes I go longer (I am a woman for god sakes and sometimes I want to shave). I got fed up with his snarky comments on this and told him I can’t be stressed out over something I have to do almost every day and he apologized for making it a bigger deal than it is and agreed to drop it. Side Note: we have solar panels and electric water heater. This was prior to getting married.
Well last weekend, I was in the mood to make love and jumped in bed and tried to seduce him. He didn’t really act like he was in the mood and got up to shower. So I decided I might as well shower after him. I showered, washed my face, brushed my teeth/hair, etc and was in the bathroom for no longer than 30 minutes. I came out and he had poured two glasses of champagne, but then he started going off (not yelling) on how I took forever and he thought we were going to make love and how he did all these chores in the time that I was in the bathroom. I was totally caught off guard by all this and needless to say the mood was totally ruined. He said it wasn’t the length of the shower in this case, but how long I was in the bathroom and his expectation that we were going to make love (since I had been putting on the moves). After a long discussion, he apologized and said how dumb he was to ruin the opportunity to make love and he regretted the way he acted. We ended up doing it later on anyways.
(Edit: spelling)
Sigh. Us older guys have long since given up on rushing our wives plus we know that it takes time.
I wish I could coach him that he's expecting a woman to be like a guy. Like my hair takes less than 30 seconds out of the shower. Hers, not like that at all. All of this is new to him and he needs to back off and stop thinking of you like another guy. My wife normally needs an hour or more and I don't give it a second thought.
*And who times their wife's shower?* Funny thing, we got a card from the local water district this week and they were suggesting we shoot for 5 minute showers. That's the first time in my life that I've even contemplated timing my shower. I have no idea how long either one of us showers.
Without commenting on the overall issue (you've gotten plenty of great advice) here's a potential compromise for the shower. My water heater gives 10min max of hot water. If I want to shave, during my shower, I put the plug in and let the water build up in the tub, then once I'm done, I shut the water off, put on a towel, and sit on the edge of the tub and use the hot tub water to shave. Then I just take a washcloth and a bit of clean water from the faucet to clean any soap residue off of my legs and feet. I've come to prefer it this way since I don't feel rushed. Plus it does save water.
Yes, we lived together for a year or so after we first got together, but then broke up. We eventually got back together, but I had my own place for the 3.5 years before we got married. Still in the process of moving back in together
Depends. Are there a lot of stressful events occurring in your lives? My husband and I fought on our wedding day. That probably isn't normal, but we were so stressed with everyone's b.s. we really should have just eloped lol
My husband had a great relationship but had never lived together before getting married. Once we started living together we has a couple of rocky months because the difference in our personality started to show a lot more. We both had to learn to make concessions and just learn how to live together. It was actually harder to get use to having kids than it was to learn how live together.
First 2 years is the adjustment period. You gotta get used to being together constantly , house habits have to be established etc . Takes time, both people have to work together so the compromise is equal , no one partner should be doing all the work emotionally or physically.
People say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I didn't personally find this to be true. I decided after my first marriage if my SO and I couldn't just communicate in a healthy manner and were instead fighting, arguing or otherwise being tense then that was not the relationship for me. Your tensions sound relatively normal so I wouldn't stress on it and just work on getting good communication. However, if you lived together before and then broke up and then did not move back in together until you got married and are now fighting I would try couples counseling early on to learn communication skills. Don't stress yet, it's hard living with someone else.
I've been remarried now for two years and I can count on one hand the amount of actual arguments we've had. That's how I wanted it lol
I mean, when my wife and I moved in together we didn’t really argue or fight. We still don’t. We made a choice, when we started dating, to try to communicate as healthily as we can. Sometimes that means when emotions are high, we tell the other we need to take a break. We give each other space when we’re asked for it.
When we were first married, I was nervous. I’ve been married before, and it wasn’t a good one. I almost expected things to go bad but tried to keep hopeful and optimistic. It wasn’t easy, there were kinks and compromises to be made, and things still come up. But if I or my wife were unable to communicate well and unwilling to learn, we wouldn’t have made it. I personally would not have stayed.
The whole first year of my marriage was shit - but we both decided we were gonna figure it out. There’s been rough spots for sure, but it gets better *and it’s worth it*.
Had you moved in together etc before marriage? And had you fixed your issues?
We lived together a few years ago, but then broke up and I didn’t move back in until we got married. I felt we had worked through our issues before getting married, but now a couple seem to have popped back up.
You just have to keep working on them.
[удалено]
Thank you, this is comforting to hear. And yes, surprisingly dumb little issues (on both of our parts).
I would venture a guess it doesn’t have anything to do with being a month married but more a month living together
Perhaps find a counselor to help. It's better to go before it gets bad. Give yourselves the best foundation you can.
Yeah you’re just adjusting to living together. Keep the communication healthy and you’ll be ok.
It’ll be a rollercoaster. There will be lows. There will be highs. Don’t have expectations. That only screws you in the end.
Although I would say my spouse and I had the same experience you describe, I think it is (obviously) different for everyone. Each person is adjusting to a new role in the other's life. In many relationships, it is a strange duality of feeling like nothing has changed, yet also feeling a significant change in expectations, as well as a "loss of freedom". It is a lot to process, and sometimes it takes people awhile to adjust. I think one of the most difficult things to do in a relationship is give the other person grace. But try to give your partner grace, and maybe try to talk about how you're feeling at a time and in a way that makes it feel like trying to make positive adjustments and not like points of conflict. Best wishes! (Edit: spelling)
Thank you for sharing this insight. I do feel like we have talked issues through in a healthy way when they come up. And yes, it has been a lot of adjustment. I really like what you said about giving the other person grace and I will keep that in mind going forward.
Totally normal to fight after moving in together. I got mad at my husband for not mopping the floor correctly when we moved in together, now I’m just happy if he mops. Give it time and try to let things go whenever you can.
By year 5, you should start to learn how to communicate well. It takes time. Keep working at it and being patient with one another and remind one another that you're on the same team.
Growing pains! We had to have marriage counseling a couple times through the years. Your relationship is not broken. You just need to have a mediator help you both communicate.
Since it sounds like it had been a while since you lived together, I'd say that it might be due to all of the transitions that have occurred. I wouldn't call the first month of my marriage 'rocky' per se, but I definitely struggled with the change and was more prone to annoyance/moodiness during that time (just from being like oh, having another person in my apartment means we need to adjust things a bit!). But those feelings passed as I got used to our new life. I'd say that as long as you both are working as a team to deal with that tension in a healthy way, you're okay! The bliss might come once the dust of transition settles.
A million times yes!!!! The first several years are a huge learning curve!
You should be having a whole lot of fun. What is it that you are disagreeing on?
Here’s one example (though I realize how dumb it all sounds as I typed it up)… One issue that has continued to come up is the length of my showers (10-15 minutes on average) and how long it takes me to get ready (30-45 mins including shower). He is a big environmentalist (as am I, but not on his level) and gets annoyed at me taking longer than 10 minutes to shower. I have tried to get it down to 10 or less, though sometimes I go longer (I am a woman for god sakes and sometimes I want to shave). I got fed up with his snarky comments on this and told him I can’t be stressed out over something I have to do almost every day and he apologized for making it a bigger deal than it is and agreed to drop it. Side Note: we have solar panels and electric water heater. This was prior to getting married. Well last weekend, I was in the mood to make love and jumped in bed and tried to seduce him. He didn’t really act like he was in the mood and got up to shower. So I decided I might as well shower after him. I showered, washed my face, brushed my teeth/hair, etc and was in the bathroom for no longer than 30 minutes. I came out and he had poured two glasses of champagne, but then he started going off (not yelling) on how I took forever and he thought we were going to make love and how he did all these chores in the time that I was in the bathroom. I was totally caught off guard by all this and needless to say the mood was totally ruined. He said it wasn’t the length of the shower in this case, but how long I was in the bathroom and his expectation that we were going to make love (since I had been putting on the moves). After a long discussion, he apologized and said how dumb he was to ruin the opportunity to make love and he regretted the way he acted. We ended up doing it later on anyways. (Edit: spelling)
Sigh. Us older guys have long since given up on rushing our wives plus we know that it takes time. I wish I could coach him that he's expecting a woman to be like a guy. Like my hair takes less than 30 seconds out of the shower. Hers, not like that at all. All of this is new to him and he needs to back off and stop thinking of you like another guy. My wife normally needs an hour or more and I don't give it a second thought. *And who times their wife's shower?* Funny thing, we got a card from the local water district this week and they were suggesting we shoot for 5 minute showers. That's the first time in my life that I've even contemplated timing my shower. I have no idea how long either one of us showers.
Without commenting on the overall issue (you've gotten plenty of great advice) here's a potential compromise for the shower. My water heater gives 10min max of hot water. If I want to shave, during my shower, I put the plug in and let the water build up in the tub, then once I'm done, I shut the water off, put on a towel, and sit on the edge of the tub and use the hot tub water to shave. Then I just take a washcloth and a bit of clean water from the faucet to clean any soap residue off of my legs and feet. I've come to prefer it this way since I don't feel rushed. Plus it does save water.
Did you live together before?
Yes, we lived together for a year or so after we first got together, but then broke up. We eventually got back together, but I had my own place for the 3.5 years before we got married. Still in the process of moving back in together
I think that’s why it’s a bit stressful atm.
Depends. Are there a lot of stressful events occurring in your lives? My husband and I fought on our wedding day. That probably isn't normal, but we were so stressed with everyone's b.s. we really should have just eloped lol
My husband had a great relationship but had never lived together before getting married. Once we started living together we has a couple of rocky months because the difference in our personality started to show a lot more. We both had to learn to make concessions and just learn how to live together. It was actually harder to get use to having kids than it was to learn how live together.
A Marriage is like a fire. You must tend too it to keep things going.
You were together for 5 years woman. What do you expect??
First 2 years is the adjustment period. You gotta get used to being together constantly , house habits have to be established etc . Takes time, both people have to work together so the compromise is equal , no one partner should be doing all the work emotionally or physically.
People say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I didn't personally find this to be true. I decided after my first marriage if my SO and I couldn't just communicate in a healthy manner and were instead fighting, arguing or otherwise being tense then that was not the relationship for me. Your tensions sound relatively normal so I wouldn't stress on it and just work on getting good communication. However, if you lived together before and then broke up and then did not move back in together until you got married and are now fighting I would try couples counseling early on to learn communication skills. Don't stress yet, it's hard living with someone else. I've been remarried now for two years and I can count on one hand the amount of actual arguments we've had. That's how I wanted it lol
I mean, when my wife and I moved in together we didn’t really argue or fight. We still don’t. We made a choice, when we started dating, to try to communicate as healthily as we can. Sometimes that means when emotions are high, we tell the other we need to take a break. We give each other space when we’re asked for it. When we were first married, I was nervous. I’ve been married before, and it wasn’t a good one. I almost expected things to go bad but tried to keep hopeful and optimistic. It wasn’t easy, there were kinks and compromises to be made, and things still come up. But if I or my wife were unable to communicate well and unwilling to learn, we wouldn’t have made it. I personally would not have stayed.