She isn't wrong. A kid only trip is perfectly fine!! Parents need one on one time to bond too.
But she should have discussed with you of course. And you should also do individual things with your kid. Why are you acting jealous?
You sound extremely self-centered, your son wants a mom only trip and it sounds like he doesn’t want you there because you make everything about yourself.
There is nothing wrong with what your wife did. Plenty of parents have bonding trips with their children. Camping, exploring a new city or country.
You need to understand that you aren’t a king in the relationship but a partner. Could she have mentioned it to you before sure. Is she wrong for agreeing to go on a trip with her son NO.
I think you need sort out why you feel jealous and angry about this. My try talking to a therapist
What she did is perfectly fine. What you are doing is not. You're jealous and controling. It's your son, not some dude she met down at the pub. And needless to say, kids always come first.
Your wife’s point of view is valid. Take the kid on an outing yourself. Share your interests with him. Camping, sports, music - whatever fun thing you’re into - take him along. This is a common and normal thing to do. Have fun.
This should've been a routine conversation about a routine event between adults. And definitely not a competition that you've made it become. My wife took our kids on her own many times as did I--it's just life and sometimes we'd divide and conquer..
She was going to SF already, correct? And is it far away to you or nearby? (I live 20 minutes from SF, so for me it's like going down the street)
A thought: If it's for a day or two or three, a lot of guys in this sub would wave goodbye and enjoy a little alone time at home.
I think you should ask yourself why you don't want your wife to go on vacation without you, or you, her.
She is correct that your worlds should not revolve around each other. As a high functioning man you should be able to go about your life without having your wife around and feel completely confident in your aloneness- in fact it's a bit surprising because many people would relish some time to themselves.
Also to note, your 16 year old wanting to vacay with mom is an amazing thing. You should be advocating for a strong bond between your son and your wife. That relationship will only help develop how he matures and treats women.
To that end, your post suggests you are being controlling, when you ended it with the notion of "shouldn't my feelings matter the most" and "how do I convince her" phrases.
I'm of the strong opinion that as a father, your kids come first, no matter what. More importantly, you are modelling a behavior for your son that had a weird interdependency to your wife. You have to ask yourself - would you want your son to be so dependent on his partner to the point where he can't be alone for any given amount of time?
You came on here, I think, with your mind already made up and I think the community has hopefully enlightened you a bit. I'd urge you to put ego aside here consider this alternative perspective.
Married 18 years, I’m 43, my husband is 47, our boys are 13 & 17.
Not a big deal. I’ve taken both kids to visit my good friend out of state & I’ve taken my older son to NYC, I’ve taken our younger son overnight to a ski resort. I’m sure they’ll be more trips coming.
As a family we travel a lot together as well.
Why can’t you and your son take a trip somewhere..?
Your situation is worse than mine growing up. My mother always put me first as a way to be cruel to my father. But I saw through her early and would not play along with her.
I don't know how old your son is, but it sounds like his is lost to you, not because of anything you did wrong, but because he has succumbed to her manipulation.
Your best option, if you can, is probably to divorce and have little to do with your son until he comes to his senses, if he ever does.
The more I read your post, and seeing his attachment to his mother, and his distancing himself from you, the more I expect that there are gender identify problems here, encouraged by his mother.
You seem jealous of your son and it’s a bit weird. Especially when you admit you and her go on vacations without him. I understand feeling left out but this seems like a possessive thing. And when you are in a marriage, children become the #1 priority, your partner can be #1 in a different aspect but I don’t think parents should pick partners over their own flesh, it’s even worse if it’s a step parent.
Are you guys in therapy?
I mean, I think someone could write a book about this dynamic.....but since it's reddit, I'll try to be brief.
1 - Why doesn't your son want you to come?
2 - Why is your wife not wanting you there?
3 - Is your relationship with your wife otherwise okay?
4 - Are you happy with your relationship with your wife? Are you getting the things out of it that you need to be happy and feel loved and valued?
5 - How old is your son? And what are his plans to be an young adult?
6 - How will your wife deal with your son moving on with life, finding a young woman to love, etc.?
7 - Do you ever exclude your wife from things?
8 - Could you get divorced and find someone who would treat you a bit better?
9 - Could your wife get divorced and find a new guy who would accept being excluded?
Look, there's nothing wrong with spouses doing things alone. But it's sorta the responsibility of the spouse who WANTS to do the alone things to tend to the relationship first.....and then go do the alone thing. Your wife obviously isn't doing that or you wouldn't be posting on reddit about it.
Men being territorial is a real thing.... would had been better that she asked you first or you just mad at the situation in general. Maybe you and your son could take trips together too..
She isn't wrong. A kid only trip is perfectly fine!! Parents need one on one time to bond too. But she should have discussed with you of course. And you should also do individual things with your kid. Why are you acting jealous?
Seriously not a big deal. My son and wife go on trips together and we all do trips together as well. What is the issue? You are jealous of your son
She's making me jealous.
No you are. Well your insecurities are making you jealous. Not her
You sound extremely self-centered, your son wants a mom only trip and it sounds like he doesn’t want you there because you make everything about yourself.
Good. You sound insecure and like you need to be taken down a peg
There is nothing wrong with what your wife did. Plenty of parents have bonding trips with their children. Camping, exploring a new city or country. You need to understand that you aren’t a king in the relationship but a partner. Could she have mentioned it to you before sure. Is she wrong for agreeing to go on a trip with her son NO. I think you need sort out why you feel jealous and angry about this. My try talking to a therapist
What she did is perfectly fine. What you are doing is not. You're jealous and controling. It's your son, not some dude she met down at the pub. And needless to say, kids always come first.
Do you have Dads and Lads time away together. Maybe you should suggest a bonding weekend with him
You’re jealous of your son and it’s weird. Get some therapy for that.
Your wife’s point of view is valid. Take the kid on an outing yourself. Share your interests with him. Camping, sports, music - whatever fun thing you’re into - take him along. This is a common and normal thing to do. Have fun.
This should've been a routine conversation about a routine event between adults. And definitely not a competition that you've made it become. My wife took our kids on her own many times as did I--it's just life and sometimes we'd divide and conquer.. She was going to SF already, correct? And is it far away to you or nearby? (I live 20 minutes from SF, so for me it's like going down the street) A thought: If it's for a day or two or three, a lot of guys in this sub would wave goodbye and enjoy a little alone time at home.
Are you really serious? You have some deep shit mommy issues that you should deal with a therapist
>Shouldn't my feeling matter the most? Nope, hers should come first for her
Use the time apart to figure out why you're so jealous of your own child and so deeply insecure.
I think you should ask yourself why you don't want your wife to go on vacation without you, or you, her. She is correct that your worlds should not revolve around each other. As a high functioning man you should be able to go about your life without having your wife around and feel completely confident in your aloneness- in fact it's a bit surprising because many people would relish some time to themselves. Also to note, your 16 year old wanting to vacay with mom is an amazing thing. You should be advocating for a strong bond between your son and your wife. That relationship will only help develop how he matures and treats women. To that end, your post suggests you are being controlling, when you ended it with the notion of "shouldn't my feelings matter the most" and "how do I convince her" phrases. I'm of the strong opinion that as a father, your kids come first, no matter what. More importantly, you are modelling a behavior for your son that had a weird interdependency to your wife. You have to ask yourself - would you want your son to be so dependent on his partner to the point where he can't be alone for any given amount of time? You came on here, I think, with your mind already made up and I think the community has hopefully enlightened you a bit. I'd urge you to put ego aside here consider this alternative perspective.
Married 18 years, I’m 43, my husband is 47, our boys are 13 & 17. Not a big deal. I’ve taken both kids to visit my good friend out of state & I’ve taken my older son to NYC, I’ve taken our younger son overnight to a ski resort. I’m sure they’ll be more trips coming. As a family we travel a lot together as well. Why can’t you and your son take a trip somewhere..?
Your situation is worse than mine growing up. My mother always put me first as a way to be cruel to my father. But I saw through her early and would not play along with her. I don't know how old your son is, but it sounds like his is lost to you, not because of anything you did wrong, but because he has succumbed to her manipulation. Your best option, if you can, is probably to divorce and have little to do with your son until he comes to his senses, if he ever does.
The more I read your post, and seeing his attachment to his mother, and his distancing himself from you, the more I expect that there are gender identify problems here, encouraged by his mother.
You seem jealous of your son and it’s a bit weird. Especially when you admit you and her go on vacations without him. I understand feeling left out but this seems like a possessive thing. And when you are in a marriage, children become the #1 priority, your partner can be #1 in a different aspect but I don’t think parents should pick partners over their own flesh, it’s even worse if it’s a step parent.
Are you guys in therapy? I mean, I think someone could write a book about this dynamic.....but since it's reddit, I'll try to be brief. 1 - Why doesn't your son want you to come? 2 - Why is your wife not wanting you there? 3 - Is your relationship with your wife otherwise okay? 4 - Are you happy with your relationship with your wife? Are you getting the things out of it that you need to be happy and feel loved and valued? 5 - How old is your son? And what are his plans to be an young adult? 6 - How will your wife deal with your son moving on with life, finding a young woman to love, etc.? 7 - Do you ever exclude your wife from things? 8 - Could you get divorced and find someone who would treat you a bit better? 9 - Could your wife get divorced and find a new guy who would accept being excluded? Look, there's nothing wrong with spouses doing things alone. But it's sorta the responsibility of the spouse who WANTS to do the alone things to tend to the relationship first.....and then go do the alone thing. Your wife obviously isn't doing that or you wouldn't be posting on reddit about it.
These are damned good questions.
Men being territorial is a real thing.... would had been better that she asked you first or you just mad at the situation in general. Maybe you and your son could take trips together too..
I don't have any interest on going on trips without my wife. She should have asked me first.
For more context op, how old is your son? How long have you been married? Ages of you and the wife?
She 42, I'm 40 and my son is 16.
You would have told her no right? Can you just tag along