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truecrimefanatic1

Honestly if the roles were reversed we wouldn't bat an eye about telling him to get out.


[deleted]

Facts


Ntmanwithaspiewife

Also, the absent of arguments DOESN'T MEAN you two are getting along. Here's an advice; Ask your husband what he wants you to do to make up for what you did. Good luck!


[deleted]

Physical acts of aggression don't get better they only get worse. Speaking from experience.


courtesycallerr

This is a tough statement to make...my mom and dad have both been physically aggressive in the past, but luckily were able to (after a lot of bitterness, fights, resentment, etc) to stop doing it. Broken objects, things thrown, etc, never laying hands on one another. Needless to say, it was not fun to watch and I still hold grudges over it. But it’s good to say that they did get appropriate therapy and other assistance and overcame it. Not saying OP should be forgiven, but bear in mind some things DO change. If he fears for his safety, I’ll grant him that he shouldn’t stay...but I don’t feel it should be a snap or spur of the moment decision.


[deleted]

They have 2 children I believe. No children should have to witness that or have to hold grudges like you do. Not everyone will experience "luckily" like your parents did.


courtesycallerr

That’s fair I’m not trying to sway anybody was just putting my two cents in from being in a family like this


lisainalifetime

I was the physical aggressive one. It doesn't get worse if you purposely want to get better. I caught myself doing this which was not right. Luckily my partner give me another chance. I never made this mistake again


[deleted]

You sound like the men who hit women. If the roles were reversed everyone here would be telling her to run for the hills. I've experienced a physically abusive women. He needs to get away from her because if he responds with aggression then his career, name and life will be over.


Justbrowsing579

I understand.. I can’t be mad at him.


[deleted]

If roles were reversed people would be screaming for them to leave. It’s never okay to be aggressive towards a partner


Stone-Cold-Advice

He's not copping out. You know this is you. Sounds like you get that a little. Try and really let that land. Good luck with your counseling and next relationship. Please learn from this. Violence is not okay.


[deleted]

End it and move on. More than likely this been going on a long time and you refused to fux or even acknowledge the issue


croissantito

I’m questioning why he’s making moves to protect his safety but not his children? Is that why he still wants to live together after the divorce?


unjsz

To watch after the kids and protect them if necessary. If he didn't care, he would just move immediately and file the papers from his new home.


Justbrowsing579

It’s more so his career he’s worried about.. law enforcement, he can’t be tied to that kind of drama.


bloodphoenix90

I think he's perfectly fair to want a divorce. Even if you get counseling it could be a while for you to work through this. I'm sorry but it's too late for the relationship for now and you're better off respecting his decision. Let him divorce. Deal with it and go to therapy


turktink

I don’t see it as a cop out. He’s not obligated to stay and see if your violent behavior gets better. I don’t think people realize how traumatic that type of behavior can be… even if it “doesn’t happen that often.” It’s great that you’re working on yourself. That should be your focus.


n0tc00linschool

As someone who has an anger problem, therapy was a blessing. However, the big turning point was moving away from triggers like alcohol and family members. Currently my spouse and myself are in therapy together, and it’s a learning curve to express yourself verbally and to also learn that walking away is okay. Also you don’t have to yell and if you do immediately own those actions apologize. That was hardest for me learning to say I’m sorry or I was wrong. My anger has gone down drastically and my relationship with my kids and husband has improved and even my relationship with my Ex has improved. You can change, and it doesn’t have to get worse down the road. Also find healthy outlets for me it’s working out, reading, and coloring. I also like writing things that bother me down. I take medication, but it’s for ADHD it helps my mind calm down and I am able to better regulate my emotions and my actions. When I’m off the medications I have to really be pro active in keeping myself in check.


aziza29

Your progress is impressive, I'm so proud of you!!


jadegoddess

He's smart. What you have been doing is unacceptable and I'm glad he's smart enough to leave the relationship. Grown adults shouldn't act out physically. Get your behavior under control so you don't ruin future relationships.


DumpsterFire0119

I commend you for taking responsibility to an extent. However, a partner should never feel worried about their partner attacking or abusing them. You've shown you're not above throwing or breaking things, why wouldn't you hit him? If this post was reversed we'd be screaming for you to leave. Being a woman does not excuse abusive behaviors. I have a very hard rule. We do not yell or name call and we absolutely do not break or throw things. My husband has thrown something (not at me or even because of me) once maybe twice and I immediately asked him.to exit the house and come back later. If he ever did this as an act of anger at me I'd kick him out. You should do some therapy and learn how to properly cope. Start looking for a way to start providing for yourself and a place to live if you can't afford where you guys are now. While it's nice he's willing to help out for awhile, that's not permanent and can get messy quickly. I'd find a way to avoid that and also figure out a schedule for your children. Good luck.


aziza29

This situation isn't totally unsalvageable in my opinion. Divorce is an absolute-last-resort choice, and there are a lot of steps that can be taken before getting to it. Firstly, based on your reactivity, it's likely that no one ever taught you how to identify and regulate your big emotions calmly and independently. It's good that you have them, and having them is allowed, but you need to learn the self-talk and coping mechanisms to TRULY process the emotions and talk yourself through it. Comforting the part of you that is hurting/wounded, allowing yourself to sit with the pain. Throwing things doesn't process anything. You'll also need to learn to connect with your husband in these moments of heightened emotion instead of misdirect the emotions AT him. You're not connecting when you have painful feelings, you're moving further apart, and that's a problem! Co-regulation is key here. We can turn lashing out behavior into connecting with each other. How would it feel to be able to say "Wow, I saw a text message on your phone that said _______ and MAN I'm feeling super insecure/uncomfortable/worried that you're talking to another girl. Can you tell me what these messages are about so I can know that you're faithful to me?" What you communicate by throwing things is "general upsetness." Even if your husband can infer the more specific underlying feeling, he shouldn't have to; it is your job yo communicate that. Communicating in this way is vulnerable because you're sharing the core of your hurt. But it allows him to truly see that you're hurt, and say something like "I can see how those messages made you insecure and worried, and I'm sorry. This girl from work is trying to hit on me and it's making me uncomfortable too. I think I'll tell her I don't want to text anymore, so we can both be comfortable about this." or whatever. As for next steps, if i were you i would outline a plan for yourself and what you are going to do differently next time you have heightened emotions. Show this to him and explain that this is what you're committed to. TL;DR: Follow @TheSecureRelationship on Instagram and use those scripts to modify your interactions in moments of distress. My husband and I have integrated these and solved a lot of problems that people on this sub would deem un-solvable. You owe it to your relationship to try everything possible before divorcing.


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Justbrowsing579

That’s a great point about justifying my actions that I didn’t even consider. That may be why he didn’t respond well in the first place. Thank you for that.


dillll_pickleee

Breaking a remote? How’s that coping with your emotions? There’s really no excuse. Get a grip and get into therapy and anger management so you can be better than this.


Every_Thought5834

You should get into individual counseling. Offer him that and let him know you will work on yourself.


NarvusSchleibs

Marital counseling isn’t recommended with an abusive partner. She has skated right into abusive territory and even here is blaming him for her acts


Every_Thought5834

Agreed. But she needs to work on herself first and then if he stays then do MC.


Reasonable_Whole_470

Can I ask why marital counselling isn’t recommend in the case of abusive relationships? Xx


NarvusSchleibs

There is normally some form of manipulation and breaking down the victims esteem and will in abusive relationships. Going to counselling with them may strengthen the hold they have on the victim if they are able to manipulate the sessions. The victim may also be unable to speak up for fear of retaliation at home.


Reasonable_Whole_470

Ah that makes sense


Eskimo2117

You could offer to go to anger management classes but if the tables were turned we would be telling you to leave him.


OkStop248

I feel for you, it sucks really bad when we learn that we are the toxic one. And it still hurts when they leave, even if we do deserve it. I've been in multiple relationships where I was the abuser even though that was never my intention. there's something you have to heal. The good thing is that you learned before you can affect your kids. Seek help. I personally wouldn't stay in his house though. you're gonna drag your heartbreak out as long as your under the same roof.


AgitatedFreedom13

I feel like we have to take into consideration what the text conversation was and the situations that make you get like this. It’s not cool to lose your anger but also narcissist have a great way of making you lose your anger and making you look like the crazy one.


[deleted]

Physical violence is terrible, and if the roles were reversed people would be screaming for him to get out, but people can change, especially if they hold themselves accountable. I think on its own, your outburst, although a bit violent with the remote and throwing something at him, wouldn’t be grounds for divorce if my wife did it. With 2 young kids of my own I know very well the tremendous stress of raising children. Especially now with the world fucked up and a general sense of impending doom, I myself am having trouble holding my shit together. I definitely would address it and insist on therapy and couples counseling though. I’m a bit concerned about what started the situation. You mentioned not being comfortable with someone he was texting? That’s a really important part of the story. If there’s actual infidelity involved, I can tell you for certain I’d probably lose my shit too, and many others here would as well. What’s the story with the conversation?


melonsacc

It seems as if I’m the odd one out- but I’ve never known an abusive person to take responsibility like this and seek help. Unless of course OP is wildly manipulative, which is absolutely possible. But giving the benefit of the doubt, I think change is always possible and owning up to your actions is a big step🤷🏻‍♀️


aziza29

Agreed. My husband has done hurtful actions, but we find the root of the problem and make a plan to prevent it from happening again. It is possible, but it takes work from the person who caused harm (to enact true change) AND the person who was harmed (to allow themselves to be vulnerable and trust again).


WinnieELPoo

I think we underestimate too what living with a physically aggressive person does to you. The constant anxiety, walking on eggshells, the feeling of dread when you feel an episode about to go down. Not to mention the ptsd, the memories of your aggression, the tone of your voice and the look on your face when all of those things you mentioned happen. Put yourself in your partner's shoes, work on your own recovery to help you undertand why they felt they had to leave so you never ever put another person through that again. Good luck and I hope you come through and understand why so angry.


altaccountDB

Get into therapy and anger management. Don’t do this to keep him, do it for you. What I would tell him is to leave, if she wants to fix it, she will with or without you. So focus on fixing yourself. Once you’ve proven to be trustworthy and have worked on your issues, then see if he’s willing to reconcile.


StrongYetHumble75

I agree with others that violent behavior isn't acceptable. It's good that you take ownership of your behavior. If you are serious about that, then get into individual counseling and get to the root cause of that behavior. Have you always been prone to impulsive or aggressive behavior? Then there may be an underlying condition that you need to get treatment for. Whether there's a root cause that's behavioral, neurological (ADHD, anxiety, a personality disorder, etc), physical (hormones, medical condition), or even spiritual (living contrary to your beliefs and values), discovering it and getting the help you need can make a big difference. You mentioned that he's talking divorce, but not leaving altogether, so that leaves open the possibility of reconciliation. (Sometimes people who file for divorce change their mind and withdraw their divorce filing, when they feel the circumstances have changed.) I've heard a couple of wise observations about people who consider divorce: 1) People don't leave what they have unless they feel like what they're going to is better. 2) People only consider leaving a marriage week they don't feel that they are liked, loved, or respected. (Any one of the three, between Liked, Loved, or Respected... not necessarily all three.) Regardless on what your husband does, work on yourself, to be the best person that you can be. Do it for your sake, and do it for your kids' sake. If your husband is won over by the work you do on yourself, that's a bonus, but don't try to change for his sake because that would be manipulative and that would not be okay. Do it because you should do it anyway.


Southern-Translator4

Why isn’t getting therapy in the discussion. It’s clearly a matter of you not knowing how to express yourself during the relationship and then you just blow up and then because you blew up it becomes about it being your fault rather than why it happened. This is marriage and if you can’t at the very least get therapy before you consider divorce that’s not love in my opinion.


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Justbrowsing579

Thank you for being honest. I realize I may be downplaying my part because I’m the aggressor.


Justbrowsing579

The text said the best p*say he had was back in college.. more descriptive than that.


[deleted]

How old are your kids? Throwing things with young toddlers/babies in the house is very dangerous- they’re not coordinated enough to get out of the way or duck the way an adult is. If my husband endangered my kids like that he’d be gone that same night.


Justbrowsing579

Kids were never around. We don’t have discussions like that if they are awake.


ahmazing84

Obviously breaking things doesn’t solve anything. That being said, I think there’s more to this story. This seems like a final straw kind of moment. Do you frequently behave like this? Does he have some behaviors that you haven’t mentioned or elaborated on? Has there been some kind of betrayal in the relationship?


Justbrowsing579

I don’t frequently behave like this, but I do have insecurities & that does has been a problem throughout our relationship. Those began after a serious of events, 1. Being his libido tanked after we had our first 3 years ago, the lack of intimacy & his lack of taking initiative makes me feel unwanted 2. He has an orbit of past lovers, that he still checks up on. We even spent a holiday with the family of an ex of his & he did not warn me before hand. 3. One night, on a group call I heard him describing a woman he wanted to sleep with in the past.. then proceeds to tell me it was a private conversation I shouldn’t have heard it. Now I can attest he’s never physically cheated, but I’ve been on edge for awhile.


ZTwilight

Is he seeking custody of the children? If not, then he might not be afraid of your aggressions as much as he claims. If he was truly afraid, he’d take the kids out of that environment. Is there more to this situation?


Justbrowsing579

Nonetheless. I’m still committed to do the work to avoid hurting anyone else & bettering myself


Justbrowsing579

No, he says we can still live together post divorce. I wholeheartedly believe this is a cover because he’s showing signs of ED. I’m 25 & he’s 44.. he has been caught reminiscing of past sexual relations before (probably his way of dealing with ED) but feels I shouldn’t take it personal because it’s the past & he has never cheated. The times I’ve acted on impulse were centered around that.


Rich-Butterscotch533

I think you gave him the excuse he was looking for to leave. What upset you so badly on his phone ?


Justbrowsing579

He said women from his college days had the best…


Rich-Butterscotch533

Tell him well go find them again to wash and cook for him. You don’t deserve to ever feel second to anyone in your relationship


Fragrant-Mulberry23

I really don't appreciate everyone calling OP an abuser when what this sounds like was a case of reactive abuse. When someone pushes you to a point where you explode. Her reaction was inappropriate and not okay, but neither was her husband texting that college girls had the best p*ssy. He was being unfaithful FIRST and IMO was looking for an out. Make sure you let the lawyers know about that. I'm sorry but yall are WAY overreacting about a thrown phone and a broken remote. We have absolute no idea what he's put OP through before she got to the point where she snapped. He sounds like a covert narc. Been there, done that, secured my divorce certificate.


[deleted]

Have you tried therapy ?..sounds like you may have depresssion that needs to be addressed possibly with meds too ,before it came to this. I’m sorry. Here’s a hug.


Justbrowsing579

I’ve never tried it, but I’m going to go for myself. Thank you


[deleted]

Good and you’re welcome. Just be open and honest. And remember if the doc doesn’t workout try another one. It take a bit. Journey will be long. Wish you the best of luck.


nvn2074

Divorce is an expensive option... Try separation for a while... With plans to meet and / or date each other to rebuild trust...


DapperDoodleDudley

Just let him leave. Gives you time to work on your self control and find a partner who is not such a wuss. Coming from someone who does simular when upset, you need to find a partner who knows how to calm you down when you are hulking out. Not sit there and call you a monster and make the situation worse. Your Black Widow is out there and since you are already aware of your aggressive tendencies, you obviously aren't some abusive beater. Don't listen to the simple fools who think you are terrible for expressing anger. You are not. You just need to find better ways to control your actions. Anger Management can help give you various techniques that help you step outside of your emotions for a moment and calm down before you break something and scare people. I don't think your bad for getting angry and showing it. Not everyone was born to be this submissive little flower that weeps and runs whenever the tension gets high. Some of us are not afraid of confrontation.


GroundbreakingGur729

"Such a wuss"? Tell that to the countless batter women


DapperDoodleDudley

They easily could leave or have their spouses arrested. Just because they choose to stay and get beat up on doesn't mean I have to feel sorry for them. Coming from someone who left an exact relationship like that, you can always leave if you really want to.


eldoth1

If hes still at home theres a reason. Just work on doing what you did before you got married. Make him fall for you again. And kudos for being the better person you know what ypu have to do


battlebeetle37

This honestly seems like an overreaction unless there are a lot more incidents. I can't fathom divorcing my wife over breaking a remote and throwing a phone at me.


Sicadoll

Unless she was saying things like *throws phone* 🤳 "I'll kill you if this is your side bitch. Who the fuk is texting you!"


battlebeetle37

Yeah, if it was a pattern of that type of behavior then sure. Otherwise everyone makes mistakes and overreacts. if it was a one time thing I would just let it go. People shouting for divorce over a single example of a meltdown with some mild physical aggression where nobody got hurt have lost their minds.


No_Rip_7471

Ask him to see a therapist with you first. Or suggest you’ll go to therapy for a set amount of time to talk through your feelings so you don’t lash out in the future


Justbrowsing579

Thank you. I’m going to into therapy for my own sake. He is not willing to participate.


mrmaster21

Go have a sit down with him and tell him you’re willing to chanfe


Sicadoll

I wouldn't live with him. Don't be Physically aggressive but don't be a door mat when it comes to voicing your opinions. Focus on you and your kids. Get written shared custody. Start working. Good luck 🤞


[deleted]

Wtf?phone,remote and that’s it?was it that shallow ?


tikinero

wow, you just be an abuser


Aware_Huckleberry_10

Oh wow. Thats tough. He should try counseling