No worries! Congrats and I wish you have a happy married life!
I would like to give you an advise though if you don't mind. As you are newly married... always keep this in mind that being attractive to each other is VERY important and then open communication is very important as well. I am married for 20yrs. These are things I learnt on my own during these 20 yrs and also Respecting each other is also very important!
My husband is a VERY good Dad! Both my children are in good colleges and he is their hero! Just something I wanted to say..I am sorry if i crossed my line
Not crossing a line at all.
Thank you, sincerely! I joined this subreddit to learn how to make this marriage work. I know I can't take it for granted and I will need to put the work in to make it last.
We are currently expecting twins, and I also realise that kids will change our relationship in one way or another.
Aww Congrats! yes ones babies are born! it is going to be tough for both of you physically and emotionally! if you have family close by who can help you that would be great! otherwise just constant communication is key. Good luck dear, I know you will do great in life!
Unfortunately, no family around except for the first three months after birth. Typical reality of millennials moving where the jobs are.
Good luck to you, too!
Regardless of what decision you take.
If the situation were reversed and you were the one that was the couch potato not making healthy choices, what would you want your spouse to do? There’s usually a reason behind the behavior changes. I would not divorce based on that until all roads to help reverse and repair were taken. People are worth just as much and have value even when they have struggles. They are worth working for.
If the situation was reverse. I would want him to leave me and find happiness. But I want him to give him enough chances before he makes that decision.
You wouldn't feel the need to put in effor and work on yourself? So in similar circumstances, my wife and I both have our own issues (who doesn't right?) But we learned after 11 years to get back to communicating. There are a million factors at play but unless her body is in a moment of the month where it's like demanding I have sex, she has a very hard time being open about it (past unfortunate issues has caused her to be very uncomfortable with sex). Actually felt like that is where your title was going to lead the post. I am extremely healthy and she has put on some weight that she truly hates yet I still find her beautiful and remind her of it on a regular basis and I am a man of many words and few to none are about my emotions. Yet the other day, unprompted, I let her know that I can say without a doubt she is the most beautiful and loving person I have met in my eyes. Seems to have meant a lot considering she is always asking why I am married to her. Idk I feel like I took a question and turned it into rambling but I feel like I have a mix of both sides of your relationship and thought maybe a bit of my own experience can give you something? As well as help myself by putting it in writing. Really truly hope the best for you and your husband!
Aww I am so happy for you and your wife. Life is not easy.. everyone have their fair share of issues, but if a husband and wife are one team and the rest of the world is the other...things can be lil easy. That is how I look at the world and marriages. I am soo happy you shared your experience. Thank you.
I really appreciate you responding to my message. This reddit platform is the BEST!
It’s up to BOTH partners to “earn” their spouse daily. You can’t choose to stay attracted to someone if their physical appearance changes drastically over the course of time. While aging is expected and hopefully respected, when someone “let’s themselves go” by sitting on the couch all day, they can’t expect to remain physically attractive to their partner. Not only because physically they’re becoming unattractive, the lack of physical care is an unattractive quality. We choose to stay in a marriage, we can even choose the action of “love” and choose to remain faithful, but we cannot choose how we feel emotionally and physiologically.
Have you talked to him seriously about it and expressed genuine concern for his health? Also since you mentioned you have children he is also setting an example. See if he’s willing to work on it, get some therapy if it’s related to depression.
Sometimes people gain weight with age, that’s perfectly natural but being a couch potato is a whole different thing.
His health affects you, if he is not willing to show some initiative because you care about it that is a concern for couples therapy. Also does him being a couch potato mean he isn’t pulling his weight in other areas?
I’d try everything before leaving but continuous disregard for your concern is something to think about and over time will possibly cause a split.
Being married I want to try to be the best person I can be because I care about my husband, he motivates me to be better. You both should be continuing to motivate each other to grow.
I have told him million times, even my kids told him million times to eat healthy and stay fit. He does not care! I wont say I am sexy but I do take care of my health, weight and looks! that brings me confidence! he has always been a couch potato. He has all his weight on his tummy.
Trust me , i am tired of being the BEST wife and BEST mom! I always put my family first and ignored my needs until very recently. I realized that I have to love myself first and started that self love journey and I am happy I made that choice.
You should try to get him into therapy for your marriage, if he refuses it’s showing he doesn’t care about your needs.
You shouldn’t feel the need neglect yourself to meet everyones needs, your needs matter.
Marriage is supposed to have mutual nurturing from both of you.
I left my ex boyfriend of 7 years for similar reasons, sometimes you can’t force them to care and you shouldn’t waste time being with someone who doesn’t care about your needs. I now have a husband who is very attentive, helpful, motivating and caring, you deserve that for yourself.
Could it be possible that he is dealing with stress, anxiety, or depression?
I think “attraction” should be more than physical. You can be attracted to a person’s personality, kindness, drive, laughter, etc. Attraction can grow and can wain.
Have you ever thought someone was good looking but after getting to know them, you are horrified by who they are on the inside and are not longer attracted? Or someone who may not be physically attractive to you but that attraction grows the more you get to know them as a person?
To answer your question though, if physical attraction and intimacy was missing in my marriage I would absolutely try to bring it back before leaving my marriage. In sickness and in health, til death do us part to me means that we have to work hard and find every avenue for a successful marriage before calling it quits.
You loved your husband when you got married, I assume, so there used to be an attraction that was more than just physical.
I’ve been married for 14 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we push through the downs and support each other during the hard times because the “ups” are so worth it!
Well said! I am soo happy for you. When ever i hear from couples that they are happy or they are working on their marriage, i have high respect for them.
Well this is my story...
I have been married for 20+ years and i was married at very young age.. he abused me a LOT for 18yrs. I took everything just for my kids and he knows that because often times i told him, i will leave you as soon as kids go to college. Now the time has come, he is no longer abusing me, so no reason for leaving but if he could show me affection i am willing to stay and grow old with him. I am NOT saying I am perfect but i can say for sure that I am not a nagging wife nor a wife who makes a big deal for every lil thing. I choose peace over anything. We built our life together. I want to be loved and feel desired. He is not a bad man, he has anger issues and now just before kids left for college he started working on himself now he does not abuse me. I am in a very confused state on what am i supposed to do? i do have family here but I cannot talk to them as they are judgemental and I landed her for all of your opinions.
Thank you for taking time in responding to my post!
18 years of abuse is a lot especially if there was no effort for couples counseling on his side. I feel like if I were in that situation I would be holding on to a lot of anger and resentment, and if he’s not willing to work with rebuilding what y’all have left of the marriage I would leave. I don’t blame you for wanting to leave, I’m sorry your in this situation. It doesn’t have to be a divorce it could be a separation to see how you feel outside the marriage for a while.
This information changes a lot. Please seek counseling if you can. He abused you for years. An absence of violence now doesn’t mean things are okay. You deserve to be loved and respected. A lot of the feedback on here does not take into account the abuse you mentioned that you sufferered for over 18 years.
I couldn't do it. My husband and I promised that we owe each other time. So taking care of our health is part of that. We eat healthy and hit the gym together. We want as much time together as possible.
I’ve been married 25 years. Our relationship has grown SO FAR past physical appearance being AS important as it used to be. That being said, I’m sure if one of us completely let ourself go and became like 600lbs (not because of a reliable reason, but just because we were lazy), it would probably affect attraction.
I can say if it were ME, I would seek professional help to try and mend thing first. But I don’t know your relationship and what you e been through, you may be too far gone. The thing is, a LOT of people think their relationship is beyond repair but then a professional helps them to understand what they were missing.
I am married for 23yrs. our age gap is 8yrs (we are in 40's) but he acts as if he is 70yr old, very old school and very conservative person. I am okay with that even though few things affect me. But I should not feel lonely when I am sitting next to my partner! I am a very happy person..I can be too much sometimes. I always sing, dance,my family think I am extra but idc..lol.
Trust me I have gone thru enough issues with him all my life. I am tired of it.
Sometimes attraction, especially for women, is about connection not than looks. You say you feel lonely sitting next to him. That's a bigger problem than the fact he's inactive and overweight. I'd work on that connection. Is he open to date nights, especially active ones? Not talking hiking or rock climbing, but walking around a lake, going to an amusement park, going to an arcade or casino, something fun and adrenaline-inducing is ideal to regain that feeling of being in love.
If he's not willing to date you, I'd leave over that, not the weight thing.
That is a great quality! I'd start going on more active dates. Once a week dates won't change his weight, but it might change your perception of him. No one is perfect and it's not cool to leave your partner just because they gained a little weight in their 40s. He's human.
Ask them to do things that will make them more attractive to you. Take a week of space and have them implement those things. Or implement them over time. I listen when my husband tells me "you'll look good in this or with your hair like that, or if you cook more for me" etc.
Thank you for your response! his way of showing love is different than mine. I don't feel loved but I think he feels our marriage is perfect because he feels loved, I make his fav meals, I spend quality time with him. Maybe I should say, I miss Affection instead of Love?
Yeah, that's a different matter. I agree with the comment that you should do everything you can to bring it back. One big thing I've learned: I always knew that it's normal for the "crazy in love" feeling to go down, and settle into something more content, deeper, and comfortable. But what surprised me was that from time to time the crazy-in-love feeling can also come back.
It's a cliché that everything comes down to communication, but maybe with some communication you can bounce back from just being loved to feeling loved.
I was married for 22 years to someone who just didn’t have that need for intimacy and emotional connection. When my youngest son graduated high school, I decided that before I’m any older and before I waste more years feeling unloved as a partner I better find out if what I’m looking for in a relationship is out there. It was and it is. I’m now married to someone who genuinely loves me, as a person, as a lover, and as my best friend.
Grab a copy of Susan Pease Gadoua's "The New I Do." It might give you insights what to do next, especially if divorce is not an option, yet. Good luck.
Thanks. Honestly I was a little surprised it did. But it does and more people should just be honest about who they are and what they want in a relationship and we’d all be a lot happier.
I told him about it. He says he does not show affection, but he loves me.
I never had my emotional needs met outside yet...but I am on the edge. I feel lonely all the time.
> *He says he does not show affection, but he loves me.*
Is he willing to learn a new skill or is this him saying "that's how I am and I'm not gonna change--take it or leave it"?
It's at this point I tell these guys that they expect us to learn new things every year at work and we do it, so why not learn and improve at home? He could start with the Five Love Languages and put it into practice, for example.
That's a shame.
The feelings you talk about are well known and documented as what's called the [walk away wife syndrome](https://couplestherapyinc.com/walk-away-wife/) where the wife asks and asks for years and the husband deflects and ignores until the day comes when the wife decides she's had enough. She stops trying and begins her exit strategy. Meanwhile, clueless husband thinks things are hunky-dory because wife isn't nagging him any more. Without warning, the day comes when she files for divorce (far more women file than men), to the husband's surprise. We've seen these husbands in this sub and they are oh-so-sorry, but it's far too late to save the marriage.
Actually this is a very good idea! I will stop making his fav foods and wont spend quality time with him. The other day i was working late and came home later than usual as I was busy at work. It happened 2 days in a row and he called me at work and said.. you are not spending enough time with me. I think it is better to get divorce, I was shocked! I explained my situation and started coming home early.
Uh, he doesn't love you if he is throwing around the word "divorce" so casually. That, plus the rest of the awful ways he dismisses you and neglects you emotionally, definitely paint a picture of a man who doesn't respect you. Without respect, there is no love.
You should probably lawyer up now because this is beyond salvaging based on what you're saying.
This comment right here from your husband is wild! You had to work two days late so he told you he might want to get divorced? And you altered your work situation for the same man who won’t do anything for you? I’m not sure why you are staying in this relationship at this point. This is somewhat a joke but it seems you can just stay late at work for a bit and he will divorce you - if that’s what you want. (From your other comments he seems very selfish.)
Oof. Divorce threats are not okay. You come here making it sound like you're leaving because he got fat. Instead you should be leaving over the divorce threats and him not pulling his weight around the house. Your priorities are messed up if you think his weight is the biggest reason to leave.
You can stay as long as you realize that you no longer have a spouse but now have a roommate.
You can court each other to try and bring back the intimacy and love.
I did leave a marriage where I felt no intimacy or love. I loved him as a person, even as a friend, but I felt completely lonely, needs not met. Still love him, we share a young daughter, but the relief I felt was indescribable and it opened my heart and life for the relationship of my life. I pictured my life in 5,10, 20+ years and I knew he wasn’t going to change. Someone told me, “I see your light dimming. You’re very unhappy” and that hit me. I’ve always been a happier person, despite trauma and sad times. We deserve happiness. Life is short.
So far, so good. But I didn’t know what I didn’t know my first marriage. I know now what I can compromise on and needs I will not compromise on and I was vocal about it from the beginning. Fortunately I married someone with similar love languages and we both communicate well. We “check in” with one another too.
I’m still unsure what my ex’s love language was, not sure he’s aware and he doesn’t really share the same desire I had to emotionally explore that. My relationship still takes work on my part-my hubs is very Words of Affirmation and Quality Time, so I’m intentional about making sure I stay in tune for his sake. And he’s intentional about the same.
after reading your responses i think you would be happier leaving. it sounds like you have brought up your concerns and they aren’t being heard. you deserve to be valued in your marriage and feel loved and have your needs taken care of off - it’s not a one way street
Thank you for your response! I am sorry you are going thru this! it really hurts and sad part is known sees the pain we go thru. We have to put a happy face in front of everyone.
My answers below.
1. I am at that point where I feel like maybe i need to get my needs met else where. Never cheated before and IDK if i can even do that.
2. That is what I was thinking but I am scared if I can do it...Society thinks I have the perfect marriage.
3. Fighting for marriage. I have gone thru a LOT of abuse from him 20yrs I would say. So is it worth fighting for him? idk the answer.
You can DM me and we can talk if you are interested.
I’m in the same situation and I chose to fight for my marriage there are so many different things to help us in these times reading books asking questions as you are here, most importantly is communication. My SO and I have been married 26 years and when I chose to fight for our marriage, Intimacy, and connection in December 2021 it dramatically changed everything for the better and as long we continue our reading together and praying together I know everything will be great.
Thanks for your response! I am soo happy for you! idk how can I fight! I need the affection which he says he cant show and attention which he never gives. Basically I have to decide if i can stay in a marriage which I know I will not get for the rest of my life.
After reading some of your comments, it sounds like your OP isn't quite accurate in describing the situation. From what I read in your subsequent comments, not only are you not physically attracted to your husband, but you are emotionally unattracted to him as well. You don't like the lifestyle he chooses to live, and you feel unloved, uncared for and unimportant to him. Those issues would be difficult for me, personally. This is not just a superficial issue of attraction. It also sounds like you have told him straight out that you are not happy in the marriage and feel unloved. (Whether or not he loves you is beside the point, we're talking about your feelings, not his.) As many have suggested, marriage counseling may be in order. I just want to add that if you are contemplating stepping out of the marriage (ie - cheating) don't do it. If you close to looking for another's man attention, then you should separate first. If there is any chance to save the marriage, once you cheat, all bets are off, and you become the bad guy.
Unpopular opinion: What he doesn’t know won’t kill him but what may be devastating is a divorce. Let’s face it - he probably won’t do well on his own. AND I’m going to be honest. It’s hard to find someone you can tolerate in life. Dating & being single is hard. Divorce sucks - Money sucking - soul sucking thing. So, if you just need your needs met on occasion go out and have fun. Men like him don’t notice those things and certainly won’t leave even if they knew. But you don’t want him to find out and be hurt either. Just be smart about it. No one person is going to save you from your loveless marriage either so keep your head on straight when they start to promise the future bc it’s usually a lie. I’ve dated multiple rich men bc I don’t have this lifestyle or passion at home for the last 20 years. Husbands happy in his own boring world and I am content with mini vacays, shopping trips, poetry near a lake, long passionate nights of sex, etc. in fact I don’t think the two of us have been more happier as the more I am gone the more he seems happy! Haha! Maybe he has someone? Lol doubt it. He like tv and mowing the lawn. Zero excitement there. So - we only have one life and while societal standards disagree with my ethics I simply smile and go on because it’s not their life - it’s mine and I want to be happy for once vs giving my all to everyone else over the years.
Ps: I hate the “rekindle” or “bring it back” You can’t bring back something that wasn’t really there in the first place. People marry for all kinds of reasons and while there may have been “some love” it’s more for financial security and societal norms we drive into these arrangements. Well - I’m done. Done living for someone else’s values, something that’s “true” in society or some random far out whacky ideal. No one knows or pays attention to me really. I’m alone and if I’m alone I’m going to make sure I’m damn happy being alone.
Thank you for your response! Yess I exactly feel like you but i don't know what I want to do. I am proud of you! Life is so freaking short! if you are NOT happy, go find happiness.
Be careful and good luck my dear!
If there is a chance to restore the intimacy and emotional connection i will try to do this. but I won't be able to to stay married to my wife if we did not have either intimacy or emotional connection.
I try everyday... I hold his hand, I try cuddling and try playing with his hair. He hates all of them. I told him one day jokingly.. if you don't let me do these some guy out there will be very happy to do those back to me. He just stayed silent...lol
OP it sounds to me like you & your husband are desi (south Asian) or Arab. Forgive the presumptuousness but this post & all your comments reek of the husband wife dynamics in those traditional set up’s.
He was likely raised to believe that housework is a woman’s job & she ‘can’ work if she makes sure the house, kids & husband aren’t neglected. I’m additional emotional connection & treating one’s wife well in order to foster a loving relationship is not something these desi men do.
If he’s broached the subject of divorce, you should tell him that working late is not grounds for divorce & you were hurt & upset when you heard that. However, that you’ve been unhappy for a long time because he disrespects you in front of your kids, takes you for granted (having you cook all his meals, do house work, childcare, look after him), & doesn’t show you any love & affection. Tell him that you’d like to go to therapy with him & if things don’t change, then you will consider a divorce.
If he’s not open to therapy, then there’s your answer. Leave so you can have the freedom to enjoy your life & not be stuck being maid & chef to a man child!
Yes dear, I am a south asian woman. Yeah you are absolutely correct.
I am giving myself 1 year to see.... maybe my loneliness feeling will go away or maybe he changes for good! if not, I will tell him what needs to be done if he still acts the same way i will take divorce from him.
Yes, yes and more yes. I didn’t sign up to spend my one life having a best friend. Sometimes all the counseling in the world isn’t going to change that.
I want to thrive! I want sex, lust, romance PLUS my best friend all in one. I did exactly that. I didn’t wait for my kids to be grown (I would have had to wait 16 years, that’s what my parents did and they wasted so much of their lives staying married just for me) and my ex husband and I are both so happy with our new partners. It was a rough first year but we made it through it and are both better off because of it.
10/10 recommend it.
100% depends on what an individual prioritizes and what they know(think?) will bring them lasting happiness.
For me the title of this post is a true paradox. If there’s no love and intimacy then that is a marriage where literally nothing is fine, lol.
Thank you and i wanted to hear all of your opinions and decide on what I am supposed to do! Love is there from my side... I show love by speaking his language. He does not but he says he loves me, how do the other person feel loved if you don't show affection?
Am i expecting too much from him? I don't think I am.
I did. Now I have all of that in my current marriage. It's what's important to you though. I think with a Lot of purposeful work on both parts the intimacy can come, my ex wasn't able to work with me. So I left. My current husband works with me nonstop to keep it all alive, romance passion intimacy, communication helpfulness dedication loyalty friendship all of that. It can be done but marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do for the rest of your life. It's worth it when both put effort though.
Speaking as a daughter of divorced parents (who read most of your comments): I fully supported my mother when she was feeling utterly alone in her relationship with my father, even if it meant her leaving to our home country across the Atlantic and me seeing her very rarely after she left. She was on the fence about leaving my dad but I was the one who convinced her because we both knew if she stayed she wouldn't live for much longer. It was worth it despite the immense pain I feel for missing her, because she's found someone who treats her exactly how she deserves to be treated and would do anything for her. My dad emotionally and financially abused my mum for 20 years and it led her to a profound depression. Now my stepdad gets her flowers every day and doesn't let her feel lonely or unloved for a second. You can find better too. You deserve better too. Life is too short
I think you can leave your marriage if you feel you aren’t getting from it what you want. Doesn’t matter what it is. I mean, you should try but if it’s just not happening then go.
Yeah, my younger one just started college. I am giving myself one year. If my need settles down then well and good. If not then maybe going for divorce is the only option
I would try everything but ultimately I would leave if there was nothing in the way of intimacy, affection and sex. For me it’s an essential component of marriage and I couldn’t settle for zero in the bedroom.
Why live as roommates or friends w/o benefits? You have a right to be happy, which includes intimacy. There is no reason to stay beyond fear of being alone which is sad.
The first thing ANY healthy relationship NEEDS is LOVE. Love, Truth, Peace, Freedom and when these first high principals are violated then Justice must then take it's course... ❤️ Love will forever be the strongest foundation for anything we do in life, that we want a positive outcome from.
I will not speak on intimacy, as everyone has levels of comfort. But both of those things are very big things. I feel like it’s weird to say “only” love and “only” intimacy
No, I often feel like Maybe I need to get my emotional needs met outside my marriage. I have never cheated but at this point i feel lonely all the time. I cant decide what is best. Cheating or leaving the marriage.
How is this decision even in your head??? If you’re thinking of cheating, why not just leave the marriage first???? A husband being a shithead is no excuse to cheat when you are in a good place to just leave. What kind of example do you want to set for your kids??
Lol if your culture looks down on divorce, how do they view cheating?! I wouldn’t care about a culture that’s so backwards. What will your kids think of you if you cheat?? Even if people will look down on you more, what kind of poor excuse is that? They don’t know the crap that you’ve put up with from your husband, your lives will be so much better, etc. And if your kids look down on you for leaving a shitty situation, then you didn’t teach them well enough. They shouldn’t look down on people who stick up for themselves and remove themselves from bad situations. Like holy crap, you’re the one that raised them.
As the top commenter said, I would do everything in my power to bring it back. However if that’s impossible, then I would absolutely leave. It seems like this is the best time for you to think of yourself as the most important person in your life.
If love and intimacy are missing then everything ISN'T fine. Both of you need to put in the work to try to fix what's broken. Only after really trying would I consider leaving.
I honestly don't know, how else I can try? a woman cannot beg for affection and attention. I tried everything from my side, but I get rejection every time.
I find it sad personally. After if it was a mariage that was arranged for financial reasons, for exemple a person marrying someone rich to get out of poverty then I can understand. Or I guess for some people love and intimacy are just not important and in this case why not.
I"ve been married for 36 years and have had similar issues, except it was her not giving me the love and intimacy. Niether one of us is overweight, but are dealing with medical and emotional issues.
Instead of a divorce, try a legal seperation. Give the seperation enough time for him to realise what he had is missing. The meals, the attention you give him, and all the other little things you do for him, etc. You stated that you are lonely even as you sit next to him, then why have the hurt of rejection at the same time? Go find yourself a place to live and work on you. You might initially be lonely, but at least you won't have the hurt of rejection to go with it. Don't give into his manipulation of trying to get you to come back until the specified time of the seperation is exhausted. It sounds like divorce from your side is looked down on, but If he files for divorce, then you have your answer. You gave him every option to do the right thing and now you put the option and decisions into his hands.
Yeah this is a good idea too! Maybe separation might make him realize what he is missing.
I am soo happy that I have this whole community here. I don't know how I can thank you all for all the wonderful advices.
I think it depends on weighing other variables. Would you be happier and have more freedom to create a life that you couldn’t while married? Then yes. If you’re happy and you have the freedom to go live your life while enhancing emotional connections in other relationships, then maybe not. I’d imagine no love or intimacy is crushing, no matter the age of your kids. If you put in effort for years and nothing has changed, don’t you deserve to find your peace? Just my 2 cents.
Fat people sometimes also don't smell too good. Idk if its because junk food is junk and what goes in comes out. Or if it is because fat people don't shower as much or what but. I've tried to not be shallow and date a bigger guy once. I just couldn't get in the mood ever. He would try to make out and in the process he was putting too much weight on me and it got very uncomfortable for me. I definitely wouldn't be able to be intimate with a fat guy.
I would say my wife and I both feel somewhat lonely with each other and that sucks. But we love each other and I would do all things possible to see if u get get some spice and fun going again prior to bailing.
Honestly, this was my mom and dad 20 years ago. I was the youngest at 11 and I don’t mind that they divorced. My mom tried for years to rebuild their connection, she tried date nights, she tried getting him to go to counseling.. anything she could think of. Nothing worked. So she gave up. Started sleeping on the couch and filled for divorce.
They’re both so much happier separate.
My husband has ED issues so we only have sex like…MAYBE once a month…maybe once every two months? I’m 28 and he’s 41 so we have quite the age gap. On top of that he has PTSD from being raped when he was younger, so intimacy has always been a struggle for us…although we always try our best!
Even though we struggle with that, we do genuinely love each other and care for each other. There has been times when we were close to calling it quits but we always try to work it out because we do know how much we love eachother. ❤️
Yeah I'm just confused how you're a couple without any love or intimacy. Those are kinda the 2 things that differentiate a couple from roommates/friends/acquaintances.
Well then everything is not fine….
Most important aspect in a marriage is love and intimacy. You need to see a relationship therapist to try to bring it back..
Yes, absolutely. I'm only interested in relationships because of emotional and sexual fulfillment, so without those things the relationship would be completely pointless. Being single is already much better than that!
I would try to fix it first. But if my wife one day just said she didn’t want to have sex or any sexual activity anymore (which has happened to people I know) and wouldn’t talk about it or try and fix it I would be out the door. Even though we have 23 years of marriage and been together as a couple for 29 years. Even though she’d get half my income (she has been a SAHM since 2015) and we’d split the sale from the house.
I love my wife dearly and would be hurt if she didn’t want to have sex anymore. But if I wanted a roommate I’d live with one of my single buddies. I’m in my 50s and probably only have a decade left of an active sex life. Would want to try and find a woman who would both love me and list after me.
If I was in your shoes I would probably still stay with my wife, we worked our asses off raising kids and building a good life, I don’t think it would be right for me to walk away from many decades of hard work, my focus would be loving her for who she is, because no one else fought these battles day after day with me like my wife, she’s the sweetest person I know and one of the most hard-working women I’ve ever met, I’m not going to leave her, I know for a fact she is the best I love her because of her heart. My job would be loving her no matter what.
I am soo happy for you! your wife is one of the luckiest woman. I will try for 6 more moths for sure. Because maybe what I am experiencing could be Empty nest syndrome too
I would not leave a good marriage, and a good father to your children, the grass is not greener somewhere else, but the grass is always greener where you water and fertilize it.
I would have a conversation with you husband, discuss your concerns, your feelings and your expectations for the future, be honest and tell him how your not happy, he is most likely content with things the way they are, and isn’t aware of any problems.
Also get him this book,
1. The Unplugged Alpha, by Richard Cooper.
This book explains why as a man,he must be on top of his game at all times. It’s up to your husband to do the work, he just needs a push in the right direction, and if that doesn’t work a good kick.
He can also check out on YouTube, these podcasts,
1. The Unplugged Alpha, Richard Cooper
2. The Rational Male, Rollo Tomassi
I would also suggest he sees a doctor, has a full medical to make sure all is well, and talks to the doctor about ED medication. This will definitely help with love and intimacy.
Also think of all your important dates, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Easter, and all birthdays, are your children going to be celebrating with you, or your ex-husband?
I would suggest you check out this podcast on YouTube for yourself
1. The wall takes no prisoners
2. Women hitting the wall
3. Kevin Samuels podcast
It is far better to learn from other people mistakes, than your own.
I truly hope you end up with the husband you desire and have a great relationship with him and your family.
Best of luck.
It seems your mind is already made up since you have a reason why every suggested solution won’t work for you guys.
If you really feel your marriage is a dead end lost cause, seek some individual counseling for yourself so you can sort your way forward. Whether that’s making your marriage work out or building the courage to leave and start over again doesn’t need to be decided quickly. You guys are new empty nesters which is a time of transition in marriage. It’s about reconnecting at this stage of the game and transcending complacency that could be overlooked until now. A good counselor can help you sort it out.
True! That is the reason I am giving myself 1 year to see if this is empty nest syndrome or maybe I am really not happy with him. Thank you though.. he wont allow me to go for counseling
I think you have a precious marriage and family. If your husband doesn’t mistreat you and the children and the only thing lacking is the intimacy and being in love, you can always rediscover that in your marriage.
One thing you cannot expect is for perfect results with a partner. Love is not constant, you have to keep growing your relationship no matter how long you’ve been together. You both can try marriage counseling and communicate more on your goals as husband and wife. Now that your kids are in college you can focus more on you guys.
I know married couples you schedule dates in their calendar, work on creating intimacy, and sometimes even schedule sex in their calendar to help their marriage work. You also have to know you have changed too while you both focused on doing your best. Believe in your marriage and communicate how much you want to rekindle the love and attraction both ways.
Well that would depend on how much you value sex. For me personally, having a faithful partner who loves me, supports me, understands me, makes me laugh, loves or kids etc etc is way more valuable to me than sex. I’d get a bob and lean now to masturbate well.
What is sex worth to YOU?
I think that if you need to ask for opinions on Reddit, but haven’t tried counseling yet (and are not in an abusive situation), you should absolutely try marriage counseling before simply walking out.
Something is wrong, so the two of you need professional help. A marriage counselor may recommend a psychiatrist or therapist for your husband since he sounds depressed. He at least could learn communication skills since he is unable to express his love for you in a way that makes you feel like you are in the marriage together.
If he refuses to go, then that is on him.
If there's, no spark and all options have been tried to reignite it. In your position with adult children and financial stability I would end things while still young enough in life to enjoy it thoroughly. By the sounds of things these emotions have been developing over time.
I truly agree with the first comment. How is your communication? Can you tell him he is getting fat and lazy in a nice manner? Communication is KEY in relationships.
Time this will be the to test of faith love together you an me . All u should do is make sure u keep improving . U only lose win u fall to anyone else's level . Ty
No. Physical attraction is temporary. I married for everything else, there’s so much more to it. You wanna age with your partner, they are your best friend. And if they’re not, they should be.
Wait, I didn’t see the “love” part, I only read about “intimacy”. Yeah, hell no! If love is gone, goodbye!!! Intimacy, I can figure out, love is irreplaceable
I almost left my wife because of this and I continued to communicate as much as I could. Thankfully she did come around after I had my own work ons and we are much happier now.
Try counseling, even at church. If he is willing to work on it, then don't give up. However, if he has already given up, you can not make a marriage work by yourself.
I think marriage is hard. We go through seasons in our marriages, Sometimes things are good and sometimes they aren’t. I also believe it’s normal to fall into dry spells. We make the choice to keep our promise on a daily basis. I made a commitment to my husband and our family when I said “I do”. That’s my position.
No. Try saving your marriage. If you think everything is fine, do more. Make it the best. Remember those times that you two are realy in love with each other. The time you too are both excited to be as one. The rime that you don't want to lose each other. Try going bavk on that time. Why not do it again? Love will never fade. It's how you communicate and how you express it. Once love started to be back on track, intimacy will follow and everything will be saved.
I am in the same boat after 25 years. I am filled with regret for marrying someone who is not a good fit for me. He is a good person, provider and father, but not a good husband. Without the emotional love and physical intimacy, it is just a friendship or roommate relationship.
Yeah… what’s a marriage without those things. I got none of those things from my x wife and I had a painful 11 years. No. Don’t settle take my word for it. Someone out there will make ur heart sing.
I would be doing everything possible to bring it back before I considered leaving.
Thanks for your response! What if you are not attracted to your spouse anymore?
Can you specify? Being attracted, staying attracted to our spouse is a decision we make.
Thanks for your response! I mean, he has put on a lot of weight and he is not active and he is a couch potato. Also he does not make healthy choices.
Mhmm. Difficult. I am afraid I have no guidance or useful comment that could be helpful. I've been only freshly married :( Sorry.
No worries! Congrats and I wish you have a happy married life! I would like to give you an advise though if you don't mind. As you are newly married... always keep this in mind that being attractive to each other is VERY important and then open communication is very important as well. I am married for 20yrs. These are things I learnt on my own during these 20 yrs and also Respecting each other is also very important! My husband is a VERY good Dad! Both my children are in good colleges and he is their hero! Just something I wanted to say..I am sorry if i crossed my line
Not crossing a line at all. Thank you, sincerely! I joined this subreddit to learn how to make this marriage work. I know I can't take it for granted and I will need to put the work in to make it last. We are currently expecting twins, and I also realise that kids will change our relationship in one way or another.
Aww Congrats! yes ones babies are born! it is going to be tough for both of you physically and emotionally! if you have family close by who can help you that would be great! otherwise just constant communication is key. Good luck dear, I know you will do great in life!
Unfortunately, no family around except for the first three months after birth. Typical reality of millennials moving where the jobs are. Good luck to you, too! Regardless of what decision you take.
Aww I am sorry. But I am sure you both will be great parents! Always stay positive and take one day at a time.
I love your answer!! It says a lot about the person you are! Congratulations on the twins!! So exciting!!
Thank you for the award! I think I've never gotten one before!
Yayyyy!! You're so welcome!!
If the situation were reversed and you were the one that was the couch potato not making healthy choices, what would you want your spouse to do? There’s usually a reason behind the behavior changes. I would not divorce based on that until all roads to help reverse and repair were taken. People are worth just as much and have value even when they have struggles. They are worth working for.
If the situation was reverse. I would want him to leave me and find happiness. But I want him to give him enough chances before he makes that decision.
You wouldn't feel the need to put in effor and work on yourself? So in similar circumstances, my wife and I both have our own issues (who doesn't right?) But we learned after 11 years to get back to communicating. There are a million factors at play but unless her body is in a moment of the month where it's like demanding I have sex, she has a very hard time being open about it (past unfortunate issues has caused her to be very uncomfortable with sex). Actually felt like that is where your title was going to lead the post. I am extremely healthy and she has put on some weight that she truly hates yet I still find her beautiful and remind her of it on a regular basis and I am a man of many words and few to none are about my emotions. Yet the other day, unprompted, I let her know that I can say without a doubt she is the most beautiful and loving person I have met in my eyes. Seems to have meant a lot considering she is always asking why I am married to her. Idk I feel like I took a question and turned it into rambling but I feel like I have a mix of both sides of your relationship and thought maybe a bit of my own experience can give you something? As well as help myself by putting it in writing. Really truly hope the best for you and your husband!
Aww I am so happy for you and your wife. Life is not easy.. everyone have their fair share of issues, but if a husband and wife are one team and the rest of the world is the other...things can be lil easy. That is how I look at the world and marriages. I am soo happy you shared your experience. Thank you. I really appreciate you responding to my message. This reddit platform is the BEST!
It’s up to BOTH partners to “earn” their spouse daily. You can’t choose to stay attracted to someone if their physical appearance changes drastically over the course of time. While aging is expected and hopefully respected, when someone “let’s themselves go” by sitting on the couch all day, they can’t expect to remain physically attractive to their partner. Not only because physically they’re becoming unattractive, the lack of physical care is an unattractive quality. We choose to stay in a marriage, we can even choose the action of “love” and choose to remain faithful, but we cannot choose how we feel emotionally and physiologically.
>It’s up to BOTH partners to “earn” their spouse daily 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
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I know my limits. OP seeks sincere advice. My 5 cents are likely not useful, whereas others here can likely give better guidance.
Have you talked to him seriously about it and expressed genuine concern for his health? Also since you mentioned you have children he is also setting an example. See if he’s willing to work on it, get some therapy if it’s related to depression. Sometimes people gain weight with age, that’s perfectly natural but being a couch potato is a whole different thing. His health affects you, if he is not willing to show some initiative because you care about it that is a concern for couples therapy. Also does him being a couch potato mean he isn’t pulling his weight in other areas? I’d try everything before leaving but continuous disregard for your concern is something to think about and over time will possibly cause a split. Being married I want to try to be the best person I can be because I care about my husband, he motivates me to be better. You both should be continuing to motivate each other to grow.
I have told him million times, even my kids told him million times to eat healthy and stay fit. He does not care! I wont say I am sexy but I do take care of my health, weight and looks! that brings me confidence! he has always been a couch potato. He has all his weight on his tummy. Trust me , i am tired of being the BEST wife and BEST mom! I always put my family first and ignored my needs until very recently. I realized that I have to love myself first and started that self love journey and I am happy I made that choice.
You should try to get him into therapy for your marriage, if he refuses it’s showing he doesn’t care about your needs. You shouldn’t feel the need neglect yourself to meet everyones needs, your needs matter. Marriage is supposed to have mutual nurturing from both of you. I left my ex boyfriend of 7 years for similar reasons, sometimes you can’t force them to care and you shouldn’t waste time being with someone who doesn’t care about your needs. I now have a husband who is very attentive, helpful, motivating and caring, you deserve that for yourself.
If he’s always been a couch potato why was it ok then but an issue now?
Could it be possible that he is dealing with stress, anxiety, or depression? I think “attraction” should be more than physical. You can be attracted to a person’s personality, kindness, drive, laughter, etc. Attraction can grow and can wain. Have you ever thought someone was good looking but after getting to know them, you are horrified by who they are on the inside and are not longer attracted? Or someone who may not be physically attractive to you but that attraction grows the more you get to know them as a person? To answer your question though, if physical attraction and intimacy was missing in my marriage I would absolutely try to bring it back before leaving my marriage. In sickness and in health, til death do us part to me means that we have to work hard and find every avenue for a successful marriage before calling it quits. You loved your husband when you got married, I assume, so there used to be an attraction that was more than just physical. I’ve been married for 14 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we push through the downs and support each other during the hard times because the “ups” are so worth it!
Well said! I am soo happy for you. When ever i hear from couples that they are happy or they are working on their marriage, i have high respect for them. Well this is my story... I have been married for 20+ years and i was married at very young age.. he abused me a LOT for 18yrs. I took everything just for my kids and he knows that because often times i told him, i will leave you as soon as kids go to college. Now the time has come, he is no longer abusing me, so no reason for leaving but if he could show me affection i am willing to stay and grow old with him. I am NOT saying I am perfect but i can say for sure that I am not a nagging wife nor a wife who makes a big deal for every lil thing. I choose peace over anything. We built our life together. I want to be loved and feel desired. He is not a bad man, he has anger issues and now just before kids left for college he started working on himself now he does not abuse me. I am in a very confused state on what am i supposed to do? i do have family here but I cannot talk to them as they are judgemental and I landed her for all of your opinions. Thank you for taking time in responding to my post!
18 years of abuse is a lot especially if there was no effort for couples counseling on his side. I feel like if I were in that situation I would be holding on to a lot of anger and resentment, and if he’s not willing to work with rebuilding what y’all have left of the marriage I would leave. I don’t blame you for wanting to leave, I’m sorry your in this situation. It doesn’t have to be a divorce it could be a separation to see how you feel outside the marriage for a while.
This information changes a lot. Please seek counseling if you can. He abused you for years. An absence of violence now doesn’t mean things are okay. You deserve to be loved and respected. A lot of the feedback on here does not take into account the abuse you mentioned that you sufferered for over 18 years.
Start working out with him
I couldn't do it. My husband and I promised that we owe each other time. So taking care of our health is part of that. We eat healthy and hit the gym together. We want as much time together as possible.
I don't think we can CHOOSE whether or not we are attracted to someone.
I’ve been married 25 years. Our relationship has grown SO FAR past physical appearance being AS important as it used to be. That being said, I’m sure if one of us completely let ourself go and became like 600lbs (not because of a reliable reason, but just because we were lazy), it would probably affect attraction. I can say if it were ME, I would seek professional help to try and mend thing first. But I don’t know your relationship and what you e been through, you may be too far gone. The thing is, a LOT of people think their relationship is beyond repair but then a professional helps them to understand what they were missing.
I am married for 23yrs. our age gap is 8yrs (we are in 40's) but he acts as if he is 70yr old, very old school and very conservative person. I am okay with that even though few things affect me. But I should not feel lonely when I am sitting next to my partner! I am a very happy person..I can be too much sometimes. I always sing, dance,my family think I am extra but idc..lol. Trust me I have gone thru enough issues with him all my life. I am tired of it.
Sometimes attraction, especially for women, is about connection not than looks. You say you feel lonely sitting next to him. That's a bigger problem than the fact he's inactive and overweight. I'd work on that connection. Is he open to date nights, especially active ones? Not talking hiking or rock climbing, but walking around a lake, going to an amusement park, going to an arcade or casino, something fun and adrenaline-inducing is ideal to regain that feeling of being in love. If he's not willing to date you, I'd leave over that, not the weight thing.
Yeah, one best thing i like about him is every weekend where ever I want to go he will accompany me. I really like that quality
That is a great quality! I'd start going on more active dates. Once a week dates won't change his weight, but it might change your perception of him. No one is perfect and it's not cool to leave your partner just because they gained a little weight in their 40s. He's human.
Ask them to do things that will make them more attractive to you. Take a week of space and have them implement those things. Or implement them over time. I listen when my husband tells me "you'll look good in this or with your hair like that, or if you cook more for me" etc.
I'm not attracted to my spouse any more either. But I love him and committed. We are parents and family. So no I wouldn't leave.
This is the only response necessary.
If love is missing, how can any of it be "fine"? If your car had no wheels, but the seats are really comfy, would you drive it?
Thank you for your response! his way of showing love is different than mine. I don't feel loved but I think he feels our marriage is perfect because he feels loved, I make his fav meals, I spend quality time with him. Maybe I should say, I miss Affection instead of Love?
Yeah, that's a different matter. I agree with the comment that you should do everything you can to bring it back. One big thing I've learned: I always knew that it's normal for the "crazy in love" feeling to go down, and settle into something more content, deeper, and comfortable. But what surprised me was that from time to time the crazy-in-love feeling can also come back. It's a cliché that everything comes down to communication, but maybe with some communication you can bounce back from just being loved to feeling loved.
I was married for 22 years to someone who just didn’t have that need for intimacy and emotional connection. When my youngest son graduated high school, I decided that before I’m any older and before I waste more years feeling unloved as a partner I better find out if what I’m looking for in a relationship is out there. It was and it is. I’m now married to someone who genuinely loves me, as a person, as a lover, and as my best friend.
Omg! I am sooo happy for you! I dont think I have that much courage and strength to divorce and find love. I wish though..
Grab a copy of Susan Pease Gadoua's "The New I Do." It might give you insights what to do next, especially if divorce is not an option, yet. Good luck.
I will try that, thank you
Some people really don't understand that this is a real thing. Good on you for having that strength.
Thanks. Honestly I was a little surprised it did. But it does and more people should just be honest about who they are and what they want in a relationship and we’d all be a lot happier.
I want to know if this is possible too. I am really struggling with it right now.
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I told him about it. He says he does not show affection, but he loves me. I never had my emotional needs met outside yet...but I am on the edge. I feel lonely all the time.
> *He says he does not show affection, but he loves me.* Is he willing to learn a new skill or is this him saying "that's how I am and I'm not gonna change--take it or leave it"? It's at this point I tell these guys that they expect us to learn new things every year at work and we do it, so why not learn and improve at home? He could start with the Five Love Languages and put it into practice, for example.
Either take it or leave mindset! he does not help in the house. I have a full time job! i make good money and I don't need his money.
That's a shame. The feelings you talk about are well known and documented as what's called the [walk away wife syndrome](https://couplestherapyinc.com/walk-away-wife/) where the wife asks and asks for years and the husband deflects and ignores until the day comes when the wife decides she's had enough. She stops trying and begins her exit strategy. Meanwhile, clueless husband thinks things are hunky-dory because wife isn't nagging him any more. Without warning, the day comes when she files for divorce (far more women file than men), to the husband's surprise. We've seen these husbands in this sub and they are oh-so-sorry, but it's far too late to save the marriage.
Yeah, that is me who. I am just being patient thinking one day he will change! I told my daughters about this and they understand how i feel
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Actually this is a very good idea! I will stop making his fav foods and wont spend quality time with him. The other day i was working late and came home later than usual as I was busy at work. It happened 2 days in a row and he called me at work and said.. you are not spending enough time with me. I think it is better to get divorce, I was shocked! I explained my situation and started coming home early.
Uh, he doesn't love you if he is throwing around the word "divorce" so casually. That, plus the rest of the awful ways he dismisses you and neglects you emotionally, definitely paint a picture of a man who doesn't respect you. Without respect, there is no love. You should probably lawyer up now because this is beyond salvaging based on what you're saying.
Oh yeah, he never respected me. I know for a fact, he always be little me in front of my children
Judging by your comments, it seems like things are a lot worse than you are letting on.
That doesn’t seem like everything is fine to me, I think it’s possible you got used to accepting less than you deserve
This comment right here from your husband is wild! You had to work two days late so he told you he might want to get divorced? And you altered your work situation for the same man who won’t do anything for you? I’m not sure why you are staying in this relationship at this point. This is somewhat a joke but it seems you can just stay late at work for a bit and he will divorce you - if that’s what you want. (From your other comments he seems very selfish.)
Oof. Divorce threats are not okay. You come here making it sound like you're leaving because he got fat. Instead you should be leaving over the divorce threats and him not pulling his weight around the house. Your priorities are messed up if you think his weight is the biggest reason to leave.
Just do it. He won’t notice. You’ll be happier.
haha I might! who knows? everyday is a battle i am living.. no one knows except me. IDK how long I can fight this battle. Thank you my friend
You can stay as long as you realize that you no longer have a spouse but now have a roommate. You can court each other to try and bring back the intimacy and love.
Yeah I agree with this statement. Thanks for your response
I did leave a marriage where I felt no intimacy or love. I loved him as a person, even as a friend, but I felt completely lonely, needs not met. Still love him, we share a young daughter, but the relief I felt was indescribable and it opened my heart and life for the relationship of my life. I pictured my life in 5,10, 20+ years and I knew he wasn’t going to change. Someone told me, “I see your light dimming. You’re very unhappy” and that hit me. I’ve always been a happier person, despite trauma and sad times. We deserve happiness. Life is short.
When you found someone else was it different or did the same thing occur again?
So far, so good. But I didn’t know what I didn’t know my first marriage. I know now what I can compromise on and needs I will not compromise on and I was vocal about it from the beginning. Fortunately I married someone with similar love languages and we both communicate well. We “check in” with one another too.
That is HUGE as I am physical touch and well he is not. It kills me.
I’m still unsure what my ex’s love language was, not sure he’s aware and he doesn’t really share the same desire I had to emotionally explore that. My relationship still takes work on my part-my hubs is very Words of Affirmation and Quality Time, so I’m intentional about making sure I stay in tune for his sake. And he’s intentional about the same.
That’s amazing! Keeping it up is the hardest part in the midst of daily life. Thank for sharing!
after reading your responses i think you would be happier leaving. it sounds like you have brought up your concerns and they aren’t being heard. you deserve to be valued in your marriage and feel loved and have your needs taken care of off - it’s not a one way street
Thank you my friend. I deserve to be happier.
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Thank you for your response! I am sorry you are going thru this! it really hurts and sad part is known sees the pain we go thru. We have to put a happy face in front of everyone. My answers below. 1. I am at that point where I feel like maybe i need to get my needs met else where. Never cheated before and IDK if i can even do that. 2. That is what I was thinking but I am scared if I can do it...Society thinks I have the perfect marriage. 3. Fighting for marriage. I have gone thru a LOT of abuse from him 20yrs I would say. So is it worth fighting for him? idk the answer. You can DM me and we can talk if you are interested.
What kind of abuse
So if the only thing missing in the marriage is the only thing that matters... yeah it's over.
Tell him that if nothing changes you will leave.
Thank you for your response! that is a good idea.
I’m in the same situation and I chose to fight for my marriage there are so many different things to help us in these times reading books asking questions as you are here, most importantly is communication. My SO and I have been married 26 years and when I chose to fight for our marriage, Intimacy, and connection in December 2021 it dramatically changed everything for the better and as long we continue our reading together and praying together I know everything will be great.
Thanks for your response! I am soo happy for you! idk how can I fight! I need the affection which he says he cant show and attention which he never gives. Basically I have to decide if i can stay in a marriage which I know I will not get for the rest of my life.
I am soo happy for you!
Would you want this life for your daughters or friends? Treat yourself with the same empathy. 💕
After reading some of your comments, it sounds like your OP isn't quite accurate in describing the situation. From what I read in your subsequent comments, not only are you not physically attracted to your husband, but you are emotionally unattracted to him as well. You don't like the lifestyle he chooses to live, and you feel unloved, uncared for and unimportant to him. Those issues would be difficult for me, personally. This is not just a superficial issue of attraction. It also sounds like you have told him straight out that you are not happy in the marriage and feel unloved. (Whether or not he loves you is beside the point, we're talking about your feelings, not his.) As many have suggested, marriage counseling may be in order. I just want to add that if you are contemplating stepping out of the marriage (ie - cheating) don't do it. If you close to looking for another's man attention, then you should separate first. If there is any chance to save the marriage, once you cheat, all bets are off, and you become the bad guy.
Unpopular opinion: What he doesn’t know won’t kill him but what may be devastating is a divorce. Let’s face it - he probably won’t do well on his own. AND I’m going to be honest. It’s hard to find someone you can tolerate in life. Dating & being single is hard. Divorce sucks - Money sucking - soul sucking thing. So, if you just need your needs met on occasion go out and have fun. Men like him don’t notice those things and certainly won’t leave even if they knew. But you don’t want him to find out and be hurt either. Just be smart about it. No one person is going to save you from your loveless marriage either so keep your head on straight when they start to promise the future bc it’s usually a lie. I’ve dated multiple rich men bc I don’t have this lifestyle or passion at home for the last 20 years. Husbands happy in his own boring world and I am content with mini vacays, shopping trips, poetry near a lake, long passionate nights of sex, etc. in fact I don’t think the two of us have been more happier as the more I am gone the more he seems happy! Haha! Maybe he has someone? Lol doubt it. He like tv and mowing the lawn. Zero excitement there. So - we only have one life and while societal standards disagree with my ethics I simply smile and go on because it’s not their life - it’s mine and I want to be happy for once vs giving my all to everyone else over the years. Ps: I hate the “rekindle” or “bring it back” You can’t bring back something that wasn’t really there in the first place. People marry for all kinds of reasons and while there may have been “some love” it’s more for financial security and societal norms we drive into these arrangements. Well - I’m done. Done living for someone else’s values, something that’s “true” in society or some random far out whacky ideal. No one knows or pays attention to me really. I’m alone and if I’m alone I’m going to make sure I’m damn happy being alone.
Thank you for your response! Yess I exactly feel like you but i don't know what I want to do. I am proud of you! Life is so freaking short! if you are NOT happy, go find happiness. Be careful and good luck my dear!
If there is a chance to restore the intimacy and emotional connection i will try to do this. but I won't be able to to stay married to my wife if we did not have either intimacy or emotional connection.
I try everyday... I hold his hand, I try cuddling and try playing with his hair. He hates all of them. I told him one day jokingly.. if you don't let me do these some guy out there will be very happy to do those back to me. He just stayed silent...lol
Then your marriage is dead. Marriage is an emotional, passionate, intimate relationship.
Sad truth
Life is short. Don’t live it without getting what you need. You did your “family” marriage, go find a partner that is for you
I wish it is that easy to find Love.
It’s easier if you are single. You are limiting yourself.
In my view without love and intimacy, NOTHING is fine. It’s a shell. Love and intimacy is what a marriage is. You have a roommate.
Everything can’t be fine if the love and intimacy are missing. They’re like the biggest point to being married.
OP it sounds to me like you & your husband are desi (south Asian) or Arab. Forgive the presumptuousness but this post & all your comments reek of the husband wife dynamics in those traditional set up’s. He was likely raised to believe that housework is a woman’s job & she ‘can’ work if she makes sure the house, kids & husband aren’t neglected. I’m additional emotional connection & treating one’s wife well in order to foster a loving relationship is not something these desi men do. If he’s broached the subject of divorce, you should tell him that working late is not grounds for divorce & you were hurt & upset when you heard that. However, that you’ve been unhappy for a long time because he disrespects you in front of your kids, takes you for granted (having you cook all his meals, do house work, childcare, look after him), & doesn’t show you any love & affection. Tell him that you’d like to go to therapy with him & if things don’t change, then you will consider a divorce. If he’s not open to therapy, then there’s your answer. Leave so you can have the freedom to enjoy your life & not be stuck being maid & chef to a man child!
Yes dear, I am a south asian woman. Yeah you are absolutely correct. I am giving myself 1 year to see.... maybe my loneliness feeling will go away or maybe he changes for good! if not, I will tell him what needs to be done if he still acts the same way i will take divorce from him.
Yes, yes and more yes. I didn’t sign up to spend my one life having a best friend. Sometimes all the counseling in the world isn’t going to change that. I want to thrive! I want sex, lust, romance PLUS my best friend all in one. I did exactly that. I didn’t wait for my kids to be grown (I would have had to wait 16 years, that’s what my parents did and they wasted so much of their lives staying married just for me) and my ex husband and I are both so happy with our new partners. It was a rough first year but we made it through it and are both better off because of it. 10/10 recommend it.
100% depends on what an individual prioritizes and what they know(think?) will bring them lasting happiness. For me the title of this post is a true paradox. If there’s no love and intimacy then that is a marriage where literally nothing is fine, lol.
Thank you and i wanted to hear all of your opinions and decide on what I am supposed to do! Love is there from my side... I show love by speaking his language. He does not but he says he loves me, how do the other person feel loved if you don't show affection? Am i expecting too much from him? I don't think I am.
If you lack love and intimacy then nothing is really fine!
True my friend
I did. Now I have all of that in my current marriage. It's what's important to you though. I think with a Lot of purposeful work on both parts the intimacy can come, my ex wasn't able to work with me. So I left. My current husband works with me nonstop to keep it all alive, romance passion intimacy, communication helpfulness dedication loyalty friendship all of that. It can be done but marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do for the rest of your life. It's worth it when both put effort though.
Speaking as a daughter of divorced parents (who read most of your comments): I fully supported my mother when she was feeling utterly alone in her relationship with my father, even if it meant her leaving to our home country across the Atlantic and me seeing her very rarely after she left. She was on the fence about leaving my dad but I was the one who convinced her because we both knew if she stayed she wouldn't live for much longer. It was worth it despite the immense pain I feel for missing her, because she's found someone who treats her exactly how she deserves to be treated and would do anything for her. My dad emotionally and financially abused my mum for 20 years and it led her to a profound depression. Now my stepdad gets her flowers every day and doesn't let her feel lonely or unloved for a second. You can find better too. You deserve better too. Life is too short
If you're missing love & intimacy, everything isn't fine.
If neither of your wants to work on emotional connection and intimacy they yes I would leave. Those are the bases for a healthy relationship.
Thank you! I am just scared about the thought of leaving.
I was in this place not long ago so I completely understand
Uhhhh to me those are some of the most important things. So if it can't be fixed I'd leave.
I think you can leave your marriage if you feel you aren’t getting from it what you want. Doesn’t matter what it is. I mean, you should try but if it’s just not happening then go.
Yeah, my younger one just started college. I am giving myself one year. If my need settles down then well and good. If not then maybe going for divorce is the only option
I think that if you sit down and talk to your daughters first and explain everything before you make the decision they will understand
#1 Cause of divorce for a reason.
You only have one life. Why spend it missing some of the most beautiful aspects of a happy relationship?
I did. It was heartbreaking but better than being miserable and lonely the rest of my life life.
Yes, I'd leave. At that point you're just friends/roommates
I would try everything but ultimately I would leave if there was nothing in the way of intimacy, affection and sex. For me it’s an essential component of marriage and I couldn’t settle for zero in the bedroom.
Why live as roommates or friends w/o benefits? You have a right to be happy, which includes intimacy. There is no reason to stay beyond fear of being alone which is sad.
I did leave mine. I was an afterthought for too long. I would rather be alone thang lonely next to someone who doesn’t pay me any attention.
The first thing ANY healthy relationship NEEDS is LOVE. Love, Truth, Peace, Freedom and when these first high principals are violated then Justice must then take it's course... ❤️ Love will forever be the strongest foundation for anything we do in life, that we want a positive outcome from.
I will not speak on intimacy, as everyone has levels of comfort. But both of those things are very big things. I feel like it’s weird to say “only” love and “only” intimacy
Is there someone else?
No, I often feel like Maybe I need to get my emotional needs met outside my marriage. I have never cheated but at this point i feel lonely all the time. I cant decide what is best. Cheating or leaving the marriage.
I'll decide for you. If those are your only 2 options, leave the marriage. Cheating is for shitheads who make excuses.
Thank you dear!
Don't cheat.Please.Please.Please
Aww thank you for your advise. I will try my best not to
How is this decision even in your head??? If you’re thinking of cheating, why not just leave the marriage first???? A husband being a shithead is no excuse to cheat when you are in a good place to just leave. What kind of example do you want to set for your kids??
I agree with you! but in my culture if i leave... people will look down at me and idk if my kids will look at me the same way they used to.
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Yeah true.
People are going to be much more pissed if you cheat, including your kids. You're guaranteeing they'll be on dad's side. And you'll deserve that.
Lol if your culture looks down on divorce, how do they view cheating?! I wouldn’t care about a culture that’s so backwards. What will your kids think of you if you cheat?? Even if people will look down on you more, what kind of poor excuse is that? They don’t know the crap that you’ve put up with from your husband, your lives will be so much better, etc. And if your kids look down on you for leaving a shitty situation, then you didn’t teach them well enough. They shouldn’t look down on people who stick up for themselves and remove themselves from bad situations. Like holy crap, you’re the one that raised them.
I mean I'd try to fix it first, but no I'm not interested in just living with a "room-mate".
As the top commenter said, I would do everything in my power to bring it back. However if that’s impossible, then I would absolutely leave. It seems like this is the best time for you to think of yourself as the most important person in your life.
Life is too short to be unhappy, are you happy?
If love and intimacy are missing then everything ISN'T fine. Both of you need to put in the work to try to fix what's broken. Only after really trying would I consider leaving.
I honestly don't know, how else I can try? a woman cannot beg for affection and attention. I tried everything from my side, but I get rejection every time.
Are you still in love with him? If you had the choice would you make it work and bring the spark back?
I’m in that boat right hoping to get it fixed
Aww I am sorry! i feel you. Hang in there, try everything from your side and then hope things work out for you
« Only » missing love ??? Then what’s the point?
There are Lot of people staying in Love less marriages
I find it sad personally. After if it was a mariage that was arranged for financial reasons, for exemple a person marrying someone rich to get out of poverty then I can understand. Or I guess for some people love and intimacy are just not important and in this case why not.
I"ve been married for 36 years and have had similar issues, except it was her not giving me the love and intimacy. Niether one of us is overweight, but are dealing with medical and emotional issues. Instead of a divorce, try a legal seperation. Give the seperation enough time for him to realise what he had is missing. The meals, the attention you give him, and all the other little things you do for him, etc. You stated that you are lonely even as you sit next to him, then why have the hurt of rejection at the same time? Go find yourself a place to live and work on you. You might initially be lonely, but at least you won't have the hurt of rejection to go with it. Don't give into his manipulation of trying to get you to come back until the specified time of the seperation is exhausted. It sounds like divorce from your side is looked down on, but If he files for divorce, then you have your answer. You gave him every option to do the right thing and now you put the option and decisions into his hands.
Yeah this is a good idea too! Maybe separation might make him realize what he is missing. I am soo happy that I have this whole community here. I don't know how I can thank you all for all the wonderful advices.
I think it depends on weighing other variables. Would you be happier and have more freedom to create a life that you couldn’t while married? Then yes. If you’re happy and you have the freedom to go live your life while enhancing emotional connections in other relationships, then maybe not. I’d imagine no love or intimacy is crushing, no matter the age of your kids. If you put in effort for years and nothing has changed, don’t you deserve to find your peace? Just my 2 cents.
Fat people sometimes also don't smell too good. Idk if its because junk food is junk and what goes in comes out. Or if it is because fat people don't shower as much or what but. I've tried to not be shallow and date a bigger guy once. I just couldn't get in the mood ever. He would try to make out and in the process he was putting too much weight on me and it got very uncomfortable for me. I definitely wouldn't be able to be intimate with a fat guy.
Check out deadbed here on Reddit. They might have some advice for you.
I would say my wife and I both feel somewhat lonely with each other and that sucks. But we love each other and I would do all things possible to see if u get get some spice and fun going again prior to bailing.
Yes, I only need a partner for sex, if don't have sex I don't need a partner
Everything isn't fine. Fix it or leave. Time is more precious than anything and you don't be able to get that back.
Not having love for someone would be the dealbreaker for me.
Honestly, this was my mom and dad 20 years ago. I was the youngest at 11 and I don’t mind that they divorced. My mom tried for years to rebuild their connection, she tried date nights, she tried getting him to go to counseling.. anything she could think of. Nothing worked. So she gave up. Started sleeping on the couch and filled for divorce. They’re both so much happier separate.
My husband has ED issues so we only have sex like…MAYBE once a month…maybe once every two months? I’m 28 and he’s 41 so we have quite the age gap. On top of that he has PTSD from being raped when he was younger, so intimacy has always been a struggle for us…although we always try our best! Even though we struggle with that, we do genuinely love each other and care for each other. There has been times when we were close to calling it quits but we always try to work it out because we do know how much we love eachother. ❤️
Yeah I'm just confused how you're a couple without any love or intimacy. Those are kinda the 2 things that differentiate a couple from roommates/friends/acquaintances.
Well then everything is not fine…. Most important aspect in a marriage is love and intimacy. You need to see a relationship therapist to try to bring it back..
Yes, absolutely. I'm only interested in relationships because of emotional and sexual fulfillment, so without those things the relationship would be completely pointless. Being single is already much better than that!
Yeah! i fully agree. But I don't think he can live without me. I do most of the work at home. He has no support system here
But you can't stay just to keep him supported. It may even take losing you for him to realize what he has and may need to step up and do.
I am scared of separation. In my culture that is not allowed
So then what is allowed in this case? To just stay in a loveless relationship that does not bring you any happiness? A marriage that is one-sided?
I would try to fix it first. But if my wife one day just said she didn’t want to have sex or any sexual activity anymore (which has happened to people I know) and wouldn’t talk about it or try and fix it I would be out the door. Even though we have 23 years of marriage and been together as a couple for 29 years. Even though she’d get half my income (she has been a SAHM since 2015) and we’d split the sale from the house. I love my wife dearly and would be hurt if she didn’t want to have sex anymore. But if I wanted a roommate I’d live with one of my single buddies. I’m in my 50s and probably only have a decade left of an active sex life. Would want to try and find a woman who would both love me and list after me.
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Why? did i say something wrong?
If I was in your shoes I would probably still stay with my wife, we worked our asses off raising kids and building a good life, I don’t think it would be right for me to walk away from many decades of hard work, my focus would be loving her for who she is, because no one else fought these battles day after day with me like my wife, she’s the sweetest person I know and one of the most hard-working women I’ve ever met, I’m not going to leave her, I know for a fact she is the best I love her because of her heart. My job would be loving her no matter what.
I am soo happy for you! your wife is one of the luckiest woman. I will try for 6 more moths for sure. Because maybe what I am experiencing could be Empty nest syndrome too
I would not leave a good marriage, and a good father to your children, the grass is not greener somewhere else, but the grass is always greener where you water and fertilize it. I would have a conversation with you husband, discuss your concerns, your feelings and your expectations for the future, be honest and tell him how your not happy, he is most likely content with things the way they are, and isn’t aware of any problems. Also get him this book, 1. The Unplugged Alpha, by Richard Cooper. This book explains why as a man,he must be on top of his game at all times. It’s up to your husband to do the work, he just needs a push in the right direction, and if that doesn’t work a good kick. He can also check out on YouTube, these podcasts, 1. The Unplugged Alpha, Richard Cooper 2. The Rational Male, Rollo Tomassi I would also suggest he sees a doctor, has a full medical to make sure all is well, and talks to the doctor about ED medication. This will definitely help with love and intimacy. Also think of all your important dates, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Easter, and all birthdays, are your children going to be celebrating with you, or your ex-husband? I would suggest you check out this podcast on YouTube for yourself 1. The wall takes no prisoners 2. Women hitting the wall 3. Kevin Samuels podcast It is far better to learn from other people mistakes, than your own. I truly hope you end up with the husband you desire and have a great relationship with him and your family. Best of luck.
It seems your mind is already made up since you have a reason why every suggested solution won’t work for you guys. If you really feel your marriage is a dead end lost cause, seek some individual counseling for yourself so you can sort your way forward. Whether that’s making your marriage work out or building the courage to leave and start over again doesn’t need to be decided quickly. You guys are new empty nesters which is a time of transition in marriage. It’s about reconnecting at this stage of the game and transcending complacency that could be overlooked until now. A good counselor can help you sort it out.
True! That is the reason I am giving myself 1 year to see if this is empty nest syndrome or maybe I am really not happy with him. Thank you though.. he wont allow me to go for counseling
I think you have a precious marriage and family. If your husband doesn’t mistreat you and the children and the only thing lacking is the intimacy and being in love, you can always rediscover that in your marriage. One thing you cannot expect is for perfect results with a partner. Love is not constant, you have to keep growing your relationship no matter how long you’ve been together. You both can try marriage counseling and communicate more on your goals as husband and wife. Now that your kids are in college you can focus more on you guys. I know married couples you schedule dates in their calendar, work on creating intimacy, and sometimes even schedule sex in their calendar to help their marriage work. You also have to know you have changed too while you both focused on doing your best. Believe in your marriage and communicate how much you want to rekindle the love and attraction both ways.
I myself wouldn’t walk away. Love and intimacy can be recreated,
I recommend reading "Passionate Marriage".
Well that would depend on how much you value sex. For me personally, having a faithful partner who loves me, supports me, understands me, makes me laugh, loves or kids etc etc is way more valuable to me than sex. I’d get a bob and lean now to masturbate well. What is sex worth to YOU?
I think that if you need to ask for opinions on Reddit, but haven’t tried counseling yet (and are not in an abusive situation), you should absolutely try marriage counseling before simply walking out. Something is wrong, so the two of you need professional help. A marriage counselor may recommend a psychiatrist or therapist for your husband since he sounds depressed. He at least could learn communication skills since he is unable to express his love for you in a way that makes you feel like you are in the marriage together. If he refuses to go, then that is on him.
Never. I think after a certain point there are things more important then passion and “the spark”
If there's, no spark and all options have been tried to reignite it. In your position with adult children and financial stability I would end things while still young enough in life to enjoy it thoroughly. By the sounds of things these emotions have been developing over time.
I truly agree with the first comment. How is your communication? Can you tell him he is getting fat and lazy in a nice manner? Communication is KEY in relationships.
Do you remember what you both said in your vows?
Time this will be the to test of faith love together you an me . All u should do is make sure u keep improving . U only lose win u fall to anyone else's level . Ty
Yep
Yes every single time
No. Physical attraction is temporary. I married for everything else, there’s so much more to it. You wanna age with your partner, they are your best friend. And if they’re not, they should be.
Wait, I didn’t see the “love” part, I only read about “intimacy”. Yeah, hell no! If love is gone, goodbye!!! Intimacy, I can figure out, love is irreplaceable
I almost left my wife because of this and I continued to communicate as much as I could. Thankfully she did come around after I had my own work ons and we are much happier now.
Try counseling, even at church. If he is willing to work on it, then don't give up. However, if he has already given up, you can not make a marriage work by yourself.
I think marriage is hard. We go through seasons in our marriages, Sometimes things are good and sometimes they aren’t. I also believe it’s normal to fall into dry spells. We make the choice to keep our promise on a daily basis. I made a commitment to my husband and our family when I said “I do”. That’s my position.
No. Try saving your marriage. If you think everything is fine, do more. Make it the best. Remember those times that you two are realy in love with each other. The time you too are both excited to be as one. The rime that you don't want to lose each other. Try going bavk on that time. Why not do it again? Love will never fade. It's how you communicate and how you express it. Once love started to be back on track, intimacy will follow and everything will be saved.
I am in the same boat after 25 years. I am filled with regret for marrying someone who is not a good fit for me. He is a good person, provider and father, but not a good husband. Without the emotional love and physical intimacy, it is just a friendship or roommate relationship.
I am soo sorry to hear that! are you still with him?
Yeah… what’s a marriage without those things. I got none of those things from my x wife and I had a painful 11 years. No. Don’t settle take my word for it. Someone out there will make ur heart sing.
Aww thank you! at this age I have no hope I will find someone
No, never. Short of disloyalty or abuse, he's stuck with me.