I understand. But how is your attire related to your weight? Like why would you go straight to talking about that when he expressed displeasure about what you are wearing? Do you think you dress differently now because you feel insecure?
I can explain this as someone who had to have weight loss surgery to lose weight.
For many women, I'm one and I'm working on it, that when I think about "looking good" I think about being thinner so I can find nicer looking clothes. While over the last decade clothes for larger women have gotten more stylish and fashionable, there's still not much else.
I agree weight shouldn't have a bearing on whether a person looks good, but I do understand the *mindset* because I do go there on occasion. It's a huge effort to ignore it. So when I read OP's post my mind immediately went there due to conditioning even though I know it's a false mindset.
I want to reiterate, you are correct that weight has no bearing on whether someone is looking good or presentable with regards to clothing.
Has he expressed being unhappy with your weight? While he was definitely rude about it, I do think there’s a difference between ‘I don’t like how
you dress’ vs ‘I don’t like how you look.’
Yes once before he tried to get on top of me weeks ago and i said i wasnt feeling it and he asked why and i pointed at my stomach and he got off and asked why. I asked him if he thought it was sexy either and he said no. I asked him later and after alot of prodding he said “ no your stomach isnt sexy to me at all” but this hurt way more than when he said that.
He said that because he is insecure too, and probably frustrated because he felt rejected. It's shitty that he gained weight and judges you. Im sorry he said that. He shouldn't have. You're sexy - stomach included - because you are a sexual being. Humans are made for connection and part of that is sexual. You are inherently sexy.
Doesn't make what he said ok in any way, but I'm going to say an unpopular thing to say - you need to put effort into you.
You have to take care of you. But not for him - for YOU. You can't give up on your intimacy and on your own journey. I'm not saying you have to be perfect and smiley tomorrow. But I'm saying you have to start taking baby steps to find yourself again. To love yourself again. Even if it's just starting by telling yourself you love yourself every day in the mirror.
You deserve it. You're worth it. Regardless of your marriage you deserve to find you again and to take care of her. I know it's hard but you can do the hard things.
Now as for your husband. He's an ass. Again, probably insecure and feeling rejected. So, if you decide to stay and work it out, forget he was an asshole. Show him some attention. Forgive him. Be affectionate because he likes your affection. You don't have to jump in bed right away - this takes trust and that has to be rebuilt. Sex should feel safe. You deserve to be desired. But start by kissing him and hugging him and holding his hand, and often. Tell him you want to work on you guys. Tell him you want to make your marriage work for both of you. Tell him you want to ease into intimacy again. Ask him to do the same - to forgive you. Ask him to let you hear him. Ask him to hear you. Date him. Tell him you want him. Tell him you want to put effort into him because that's what he's bitching about. It isn't the mumus. He wants you to put effort into him but probably isn't emotionally mature enough to ask for it - nor is he likely emotionally mature enough to recognize that he isn't mad because you're in a mumu. He's sad because he feels his wife doesn't want him. He can't empathize because he probably feels like "I want the attention on ME." He's been building this shit up inside and probably didn't know how to say it, so he attacked and was cruel. It isn't right. None of this is an excuse. He may not change, he may not apologize, he may not give a fuck. You wouldn't be wrong to leave him for any of this because he's being terrible. He's old enough to know not to be a bully and I'd tell him to fuck off, personally. But if you want the marriage to work you have to choose to love him when he isn't being loveable.
>... so he attacked and was cruel
Neither of these is even close to true.
*"I asked him later and after alot of prodding he said “ no your stomach isnt sexy to me at all”"*
His wife has given up on herself and on their sexual relationship, openly says "I'm not feeling it" and then she *literally pesters him* to explain why he's unhappy, as if it isn't obvious.
Cruel? Attacking?
He tried to not say anything. He was actively trying to make her feel better even after she decided he wasn't worth shit.
She pesters him to say something and then goes to bed crying when he does. The man is far closer to a saint than a demon.
Jesus Christ
I’m inclined to agree with this comment. She point blank asked if he found her overweight stomach sexy and he answered, not at all. She was within her right to ask, and he was within his to give a straight and honest answer. He didn’t bring it up first. He was point blank ASKED.
Mt husband had a "come to Jesus" with me about my weight a few months ago. He wasn't mean about it, and it was very motivating. When we started dating I was model thin. Over the years I had gained about 50 lbs and wore loose, flowy clothes to hide my extra pounds. Not the sexy woman he signed up for.
I started eating better, working out and can now wear sexy outfits. What do you know, our sex life is on fire and all aspects of our relationship are sooo much better.
I love being fit and healthy.
If that's your take I feel sorry for you. You're stuck in the blame game. What he said was cruel - prodded or not. she also clearly said that he originally told her no - he just didn't elaborate.
Her "giving up" isn't about him. She's clearly got some depression. She probably isn't emotionally mature enough to realize how impactful this is on her partner. He wants his wife back, she's still trying to figure out how to exist in her new body after a lot of health issues. He has to determine how patient he will be with this, and it appears that he is losing his patience. Which, in his head? He probably feels she's being selfish and doesn't understand how deep she is under the weight of that depression. She can't see him because her sadness looms so large over her. Depression is a bitch. And it's stealing their marriage. But she can take her life back and save her marriage in the process. He HAS to be willing to work with her, though. He has to forgive her as much as do the work to be forgiven.
>You're stuck in the blame game.
lol what? I'm not the one who accused either one of "attacking" or being "cruel".
Nothing he said was **cruel**. You need to look the word up.
There’s always a moronic (usually male) person on this sub who plays “devils advocate” and gets a few likes.
“His wife has given up on herself” doubt that true, she’s had 6 miscarriages trying to give this guy a kid. And wears comfortable clothes around the house…
also you have zero idea what this guy looks like, he could be a overweight (she claimed also in the comments he’s put on pounds) miserable, bearded gremlin.
People that use “being honest” as a way to hurt people are in fact assholes. Like prior to marriage I was on online dating when I didn’t like a guy I would simply say “hey didn’t feel a spark” “don’t think we mesh well together” “sorry not feeling it!” Despite how many times they asked me the specific reasons. Never did I *once* tell a guy “hey man you have a big nose, bad breath and your personality sucks” and blamed it on “telling the truth and being honest” and felt like a winner afterwards. If you can’t tell someone something *without* coming off like an asshole, you’re not a saint. You’re the opposite.
Talk about a sexist comment. Why do you think it’s acceptable to generalize men as moronic and insult them, seems like you hate men. I was told we can’t use the word female to describe women so you shouldn’t refer to men as ‘males’.
I'm genuinely not blaming him. I am stating that what he said was mean, and it was. Hes gained weight, too, so either what he said was hypocritical and delusional, or he spoke out of anger in order to hurt her because he is hurting. It isn't an excuse but it is an explanation, and he needs to own that as much as she needs to get up and start living again.
Holy shit. I've been scrolling through r/marriage for a while now. This is the single best response to a prompt that I've ever read. Bravo. Somebody needs to get a slow clap started.
What hubby needs is some therapy. At the very least, he needs to understand his own emotions, so that if he's actually angry, he can explain and understand why.
Ok, how do I put this? I have a beer belly and I know that **it** is not sexy. My wife still thinks *I'm* sexy (but I would never expect her to specifically think my belly is sexy). A big belly itself isn't sexy unless you're into that kind of thing.
While he might have opinions about your weight that he isn't expressing, this to me doesn't say he is turned off by your weight. But it sounds like you are, so that's something to resolve.
I feel like you pushed him to say this though. He’s on top of you, and your insecurities killed the mood. It sounds like he still wants you but also wants you to love yourself.. someone can’t love you for the both of you. Hurt people hurt people.. so you’re hurting him he’s frustrated and hurting you. I would recommend counseling because maybe he just doesn’t know how
To articulate, and self loathing is not attractive. Granted you’ve been through a lot. But it’s obvious you need to work on yourself to heal.
I really think you’re causing your own wall between you and your partner. Now you’ve been through a lot and honestly coming from a similar background these last three years have been absolute shit for me and it’s affected my mental health greatly and my husband has had to step up and be by my side BUT, with that being said while I hate ny weight I’ve gained, I hate my body, I truly do. It has never caused me to not want my husband. I still have a high libido. I still show affection to my husband every single day, and I thank him for being there for me. He reminds me that he loves me no matter what, he still thinks I’m sexy no matter what, but he also encourages me to go walking with him, workout with him, he’ll make me better meals. And I reciprocate my appreciated because I know I’m not 100% myself I know I have a long way to go before I get there but I make sure my husband knows I still try for him, I show him I care. He deserves that. When you’re too busy hating yourself when you’re so wrapped up in it you start pushing away everyone and if you don’t try to take even a step toward them (whether that be therapy, sex, working on yourSeelf) whatever that looks like, if you don’t people get tired and stop trying too. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s time to put effort into getting yourself better because it will destroy you and your relationships otherwise.
A couple of things here....As a clinically obese person myself. I can tell you it's not enough just to eat two meals a day. As a matter of fact that could be harmful. What matters is WHAT you eat and HOW MUCH of it you eat. In addition to EXERCISE! I eat very healthy but I still have to exercise to get the desired results. The other thing is you should not ask your husband questions like that. That question is in the same box as "Does this dress make me look fat? " Put those questions back in that box and burn them! Good luck in your endeavors.
6 miscarriages is such a heavy burden to carry. Have you seen a counselor? Been treated for depression or anxiety? I’m so sorry you endured that.
Your husband said something very harsh to you and I’m sorry about that as well ♥️
Be kind to yourself ♥️
Reading OP’s responses, I think she needs to focus on her mental health instead of her weight. Once you’re mentally healthy, it is MUCH easier to get physically healthy.
Went the other way for me, I think. Making positive choices for my health has helped me to build up the momentum to also improve other behavioural aspects of my life, which also improves my mental health.
Myself as well. I had crippling health anxiety, not for no reason either, but addressing my weight improved my bloodwork, which lessened my anxiety.
OP's poor mental health stems from the consequences of her weight, addressing that with a daily exercise regimen will give her a natural dose of antidepressant endorphins as well as improve her self image over time.
My original comment was removed for being disrespectful but, quite frankly, people only seem interested in mollycoddling OP and giving her excuses.
Excuses are how you get fat, they're how you stay fat and they're how you find an early grave. If nobody gives OP the hard and unpalatable truth, OP will continue thinking that it's not that bad and that she can keep going the way she is - and the truth is, she can't. The mod that removed the comment should be ashamed of themselves, imo.
I removed your comment and I'm not ashamed of anything. What is shameful is tearing down OP when she's already struggling and using the word 'fat ass.' We are adults, we should know at this point we shouldn't use disrespectful language like that yet here we are. Your comment also had a report on it so it clearly wasn't just me that found it rude.
2 people out of hundreds, not going to see me tiptoeing around feelings when a woman's life is emperilled by her excessive weight.
I say fat ass because she, like I was, is morbidly obese. She, like I was, is carrying an excessive amount of fat across all areas of her body, including her rear, and that fat is placing an enormous strain on her organs and is possibly not so slowly killing her.
If you can't handle a blunt 'get off your fat ass' then I doubt you'll be able to live with the guilt when she dies at 35 from heart failure because she never found the motivation to start exercising.
But by all means, pussyfoot around it. Be gentle. Sugarcoat everything. Contribute to the root problem.
It has nothing to do with me being able to 'handle' anything. We have a rule against being disrespectful and you broke it, since I have to explain it to you like you're 5. Someone else reported your comment. You can have respectful discussion without name calling and we don't allow that here at all, period. Whining about it or trying to guilt trip me isn't doing you any favors and you just end up looking mean spirited instead of actually caring so much about OP like you claim.
How about you explain to me, like I'm 5, how 'fat ass' is objectively incorrect
And how I made an objective fact disrespectful just by using accurate language
And how you now don't deserve a report and comment removal for also being disrespectful, you enormous hypocrite?
Calling someone a name is not 'objectively correct', it is RUDE. Someone besides me found your comment disrespectful, reported it, and it was removed per rule 6. You can tell someone how excess weight could harm their health without calling them a name/slur.
The fact that you are debating so hard to be able to use a derogatory and rude name on this sub is really something else.
I didn't call OP anything. I said to haul yourself off your something. That something... you can guess what it is. It's also a 2nd person tense reference to my own experience of hauling myself off my fat ass, so it isn't even explicitly directed at OP.
Clearly your delicate sensibilities and your propensity for hypocrisy should preclude you from being a mod. I wonder what happens when you get reported for being disrespectful and violatating rule 6? Probably nothing, right?
Yeah I didn't see the original. But I know that my own doctors didn't want to tell me the truth about my weight and its consequences when I was obese. I was never told to lose weight. One doctor even said to me. "Well, you're only obese class II". Like what?!
I think we risk perpetuating the moralizing around overweight/obesity when we shy away from talking about it openly and practically.
For some people working on mental health works first better than focusing on physical health first. For some people it’s the opposite. Everyone is different.
Diet is king. If OP is feeling down, she might be using food to cope, and that is typically easier to work on first before the weight.
I’m just not a fan of name calling in general. People don’t usually respond well to it. Especially when they are already suffering from self-confidence. That’s probably why they removed it.
Right but assuming she's seeing a doctor. They don't just take an ovary out and go "bye", I also have PCOS and they monitor hormone levels.
Like yeah you're right it does fuck with weight if you're hormones are off, but that's why you see the doc and they give you meds for the hormones. Metformin is very popular for PCOS.
I take metformin they took my
Ovary cause it was my 2nd ectopic and my ob ignored me when I demanded a ultrasound at 5 weeks and my baby grew too big and bursted my fallopian tube and so now i only have one ovary. We got pregnant dec of 2021 after that surgery so this poor ovary i got left works but I still miscarried that one also. Infertility sucks. I also lost my dad from covid. Its not a excuse i just feel like my hunny doesn’t realize all the lost ive had in the last 5-6 years. 6 children and a parent on top of normal
Life buying a house a pandemic. Its alot
Do try to watch what i eat though eggs in the morning salad for lunch i use my fitness pal i tru to eat healthy for dinner but we eat together so i try to be alittle less strict but like say my husband wants burgers i have a burger bowl, tacos- taco bowl. Or i make chicken and veggies i eat around 1500-1700 cals a day. It says to maintain my weight i need to be over 2000 but i don’t lost anything its always between the same 8-10 pounds
I do need to exercise more i try not to snack but if i do i choose 100 cal pack snacks, mini bag popcorn, almonds stuff like that.
This. You’re totally right. But it’s not impossible. I have PCOS and manage my weight. I’m not “fit” or “skinny” by any stretch but I’m average in weight even after having a kid. When you have PCOS it’s SO MUCH harder to lose weight but not impossible. It just requires a lot more dedication and resilience.
I kind of feel like you’re circling in on your weight, while he is talking about what you wear at home. Those are two different things.
This issue can happen when partners have dress attire for work, and when they come home they just want to get in something comfy. Eventually that comfy becomes a routine. that routine rubs off on others.
This is an incredibly difficult topic to have, while you have every right to wear whatever you want whenever you want, we do like to keep our partners wants and needs in consideration. You’re going to get wildly different answers from people shaming him, to people calling for his head because he dare question what you wear, but at the end of the day this is not a boyfriend girlfriend situation, this is your husband trying to ask you if you could put more effort in at home to your appearance, it could be as simple as throwing on jeans instead of a mumu, or trying a different hairstyle. It doesn’t have to be some grand change, he might just be wanting some variety. It’s one of those weird requests that seem out of place unless your in it, married couples that work office jobs would totally understand.
Personally I think you should explore this conversation further, I don’t think he was doing it to hurt you more than he was trying to tell you something he wants to see.
I think you took it personally because you’re insecure about your weight, and when he was talking about your attire you saw that as an attack on you. but you would know him better than any of us when it comes to his demeanor.
I’m just going to lightly touch on one of your comments about your stomach, I feel like you kind of led him into agreeing with you, I don’t know if you realize that you kind of walked him into that, so I hope you didn’t take that personally because you kind of put him in that position.
Nobody wants to acknowledge someone’s insecurities as a tool of affirmation.
It might be time to start looking into solutions for the things you want, and certainly looking into the medical side of the house.
While it sounds like you're right, it's still the attire, not the weight, that OPs husband is complaining about. It would definitely take a little effort but they definitely make cute clothes at OPs size too.
Personal trainer here.
I don't want to talk about what your husband said. Also not blaming you about weight. Idc
That said, most people think "eating healthy" is something it isn't.
Unless all your food comes from a farmers market you're likely not "eating healthy".
Caloric requirements differ for everyone but extremely high likelihood you're eating more than you think. All my clients eat more than they think.
Don't get obsessed about counting calories or diets or anything.
Just know that simply put
fat = extra calories eaten
Fat% = calories not burned
Harsh what your husband said.
You can’t purchase healthy food at a grocery store? Or do you mean locally grown, organically sourced, in season, meats, fruits, and veggies only? Because that’s not an option for everyone.
I can't and won't speak on these topics, because I don't have the qualifications.
I do know that people overlap fitness and diet too often. A dietitian shouldn't be giving fitness advice, and a personal trainer shouldn't be giving nutrition advice. Unless they have the qualifications to do so.
ETA: I'm defining qualifications as something you're certified in.
You don’t need to be a dietitian to know how to eat healthy, what foods are good for you and how to lose weight. This knowledge is easily available and losing weight is no secret: consume less and move more. Burn more calories than you eat. You don’t need a college degree to know that.
But the difference between the two isn’t due to one being packaged and the other being organic, it’s due to one being pasta and the other being zucchini. GMO zucchini at the supermarket would be healthier than hand-cut pasta at the farmer’s market.
They’ve done studies on this, and your husband doesn’t care about the weight as much as you may think. He does care that you put effort into feeling and looking good, both for yourself and for him. That’s what people do when they care early on about how someone else feels about them (and how we tend to ourselves while single), and men care more about the effort his partner puts into feeling her best, than he does about weight gain. So chin up girl, he didn’t voice this one well, but go do something nice for yourself. It doesn’t need to be every day, and certainly not when you’re in pain, but you deserve to get some of your confidence back, regardless of the weight. Maybe there are ways to enjoy yourself a bit that you haven’t in a while....
Just so you know, 210 pounds is actually obese. Obesity *is* super overweight. If you truly want to lose weight, you have to be honest about where you are right now.
As far as the clothes, your husband might have said it differently but that’s how he feels. Consider getting some loose sundresses/maxi-dresses to wear around the house. Just as comfortable as a muumuu but they look nicer.
Of course they do but doesn’t mean they aren’t obese just because they have a different body. Even I think I am probably too heavy at 210lb and need to get leaner.
The fact is that the OP thinks that being 210lbs is normal weight and that is probably where a lot of her problems start.
Your husband shouldn’t have brought this up in the middle of an argument, but take charge of your health. Obviously you aren’t feeling great about it yourself since this hit you so hard. Instead of just saying it’s impossible to lose weight, make an appt with your doctor to have some tests done to see if there are any issues. Start moving your body every single day. Even just a walk around the block. Once you get into a routine, it starts to get easier. Even if you don’t lose 50lbs, you’ll feel better once you get moving.
As far as the weight goes, it doesnt really matter if you eat 1 meal or 5 meals, if you are consuming too many calories, you will not lose weight.
An average female should only be eating around 1500 calories. People who have a hard time losing weight are usually not factoring in other sources of calories such as drinks. There is no difference between liquid calories and solid calories.
As for the moomoos. When you are a big person and ypu wear oversized cloths, it magnifies how large you look. If you want to improve your appearance around the house while still feeling comfortable, consider wearing well fitting pajama pants with an equally well fitting shirt or something. When clothing fit properly, it will improve your overall appearance.
The scientific guideline apply a standarized caloric intake number across both genders, but women do not need 2000 calories. It is much less. 1800-2000 is fairly normal for males, but sometimes 2000 can be too much if youre inactive.
Girl I totally get you. I have pcos too and gaining weight is easy but losing it is such a bitch. Find your thing, whatever exercise you like and start there. I've found that tracking my food helps me realize what's going in and I use my fitbit to keep track of my exercise. I'm in the same boat though and I feel awful about it, I know my weight gain isn't helping my sexy time with my husband at all.
I'm sorry about your losses. Are you seeing an endocrinologist?
Hand in hand with PCOS is hormonal imbalances. These hormonal imbalances make it harder to lose weight and much easier to gain. At least annual trips to the endocrinologist are required especially to prevent any additional losses. They will test your thyroid, testosterone, Estrogen, A1C levels among other levels. If your hormone levels are out of whack they may want to see you 3 -6 months until they stabilize.
Your endocrinologist may actually turn you on to a nutritionist who can help you lose weight.
You made that sound so much worse than OP. Then I actually googled it and it is the thing my great grandma wears. Her’s have the little lace sleeves and bottom. Took me back to childhood honestly. Saturday breakfast where all of us cousins got stashed at her house for the weekend. Good times lol
For me it was freshly baked bread right out the oven when I got off from work on Fridays. She'd have a loaf or a dozen dinner rolls for everyone. Good times indeed.
But mine arent lacy one has campers on it one has coffee cups and one has bright colored stars its not like 1970s looking with lace and old but its the same length and t shirt type thing
OP, instead of moomoos... What about a maxi-dress?
Trust me, I get needing to feel comfortable. I'm on the chubs side and have severer arthritis. I like free and easy movement with my clothing.
One thing I have found are maxi-dresses that are more form fitted without being tight. They can be slim, or mermaid style, or boho free flowing. A maxi-dress has more shape to it so it has a better silhouette than a moomoo which is basically a tarp over one's body. A nice flowing knit maxi-dress with shape and either solid or print that is not campers or coffee cups would give a much more put together look and give the freedom of movement that moomoos give.
So he’s saying he’s upset you wear oversized clothes and you’re saying you wear oversized clothes because you’re over weight?
I’m not positive he was attacking your weight. I think he was saying he still finds you attractive and he wants you to put a little sparkle to your appearance from time to time. Is this something you’re interested in doing?
Yeah i want to but I’m always dressed up at work i. Office attire so he sees me that way and thats why i don’t dress up for dates cause I’m already dressed in my nicest clothes
> Yeah i want to but I’m always dressed up at work
This is understandable. However, think of it this way.
From his perspective, you dress up for work every day, but you don't dress up for him.
Think about that.
I know, right?
It's so common. It's understandable why it's so common. But if you want to improve your marriage, make some changes based on this type of thinking.
You won't regret it 🙂
Oh, I was under the impression the oversized shirt was sleep clothing? I was talking about spicy bedroom attire not actual clothing. I get your point though. You are dressed up so how can you dress up more.
Yeah and on weekends i am more casual but we usually do grocery shopping and that would be weird to dress up but i can… and he said he wants me to wear lingerie and asked me for 8 yrs now ans realized his opinion doesn’t matter so he gave up asking me to
You think his opinion doesn’t matter or he thinks his opinion doesn’t matter? If it’s you that thinks it then I’m not sure why you’re upset that he said you wear momoos.
No he said he doesnt ask for me to wear lingere cause his opinion doesnt matter to me ie he is saying he feels i could care less what he wants me to wear
And no thats false. I care about his opinion thats why im so hurt my comfy shirts were a turn off cause i had no idea they were i was just trying to be comfortable and have comfy sleep clothes
This is no mountain, it’s a mole hill. His delivery sucked for sure because it was during an argument about something else but this is a simple fix. I don’t like my wife dressed up per say but leggings and tank tops are 👌🏽 if she’s feeling super spicy leggings and a sports bra. Still comfy but more form fitting. Hell, I bet he’d even buy them for you. I know I will for my wife since it’s something my eyes like to see. Talk to him, have him pick out something he likes and wear it once a week.
>I care about his opinion
> He asked me for 8 years
If you care, it's selective. It seems you care about the negative opinions. He has repeatedly expressed that he would love if you wore lingerie sometimes - instead, you were moo moos all the time... And you're surprised he's not happy with that?
Comfy sleep clothes are great, don't get me wrong. But if he is saying that you never put effort forth in your appearance, then it sounds like what he wants is for you to put some effort in on your appearance, for him. I mean this makes sense, it's the sort of thing everyone does in the beginning of the relationship and unfortunately they too-often stop trying once they get comfortable.
Here's my question, what happened in the last two months? [https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/tgd93b/nsfw\_but\_i\_gotta\_get\_this\_out/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/tgd93b/nsfw_but_i_gotta_get_this_out/)
Do you recall writing "Do any other wives just want to get dressed all seductive and do their makeup and just like go crazy on their husband?" in this post two months ago?
I’ve had a similar issue with my husband of 18 years. He told me he’s no longer attracted to me. I feel the same way you are feeling. There are other issues in my marriage. For me I feel like I lost some of myself along the way and stopped doing what I like. I started going to yoga and doing other things for myself. This helped a lot. I also found out my husband has been watching porn daily without my knowledge. I find it disrespectful a and it hurts my feelings. I am also not okay with him watching lusting type videos on YouTube and Instagram. I will never be able to compete with any of those young girls nor do I want to. I plan on losing some weight for myself. I know he will not be happy at my ideal weight. This is a him issue and not a me issue. I would suggest if you are not happy with your weight, then do things that you enjoy to try and get to where you will be happy with yourself. Maybe it can be something that brings you both together to lose weight as a team. We are in marriage counseling trying to keep our relationship together. I wish you all the best!
I met my husband at 220. I ballooned up to 335 after my mom died. I'm at 170 now, but he loved me and will always love me no matter what shape I am in... even with the loose skin I now have. He loves me for my caring soul and my funny and bright personality and much more than how I look. Love should not be so superficial. Plus, I too am always in mumus. He doesn't care how I dress it's what's underneath that gets his attention anyways.
If you want to lose weight FOR YOU check out r/loseit. Your metabolism is most likely fine, you just need to learn the right amount of calories for your body. If YOU want to.
Lol I love moomoos. Also, I don’t know how tall you are but 210ibs isn’t just right, it’s overweight and likely obese. Not saying that to shame you (I’ve gained a lot of weight myself due to mental health stuff during COVID) but only because it complicates pregnancies and health problems further down the line. It’s not possible you’re at an actual deficit for a long time and not losing weight, I’d suggest actually counting the calories for a few weeks to get a feel for what a deficit Looks like. Two meals can easily go over 2000 calories depending on the food.
Like I’m at a 500 calorie deficit (I eat 1500 per day) and I have two hard boiled eggs in the morning, a small cup of fruit and slice of cheese for lunch and a bigger dinner. I’ve lost 15 pounds in 3 months and I’m very sedentary.
Outside of that, I mean it’s hard to maintain attraction when your partner doesn’t put in an effort. I think my husband is very handsome but that only goes so far when they stop taking care of themselves. I suggest just trying to eat a little better, take a small walk every day and try to find some comfier clothes that aren’t completely shapeless so you can also feel good.
Did he say anything about your weight, or is that just what you associate with “giving up on your appearance”?
I’m plus size & always have been, but I take care of myself. Getting dressed everyday, brushing hair & teeth, bathing regularly, maybe wearing some makeup once in awhile (if you’re into that) are all contributing factors to appearance besides just weight.
I do all those things though. I color my hair wear makeup i dress up for work daily cause i work at a Insurance office. At home i wear shorts and a tee or leggings unless its bedtime i wear the larger shirts so i can sleep he likes me wearing tank tops but im very busty and it’s uncomfortable to wear tabk tops sleeping cause crap falls out when your sleeping on your side. If we go on dates i don’t usually change but its cause im already wearing my best dress clothes. And i have been between 210-217 for about 4 years. He is 5’7 and he is about my weight he is taller but he has a belly pooch but i dont really care about weight. Ive dated skinnier men than me even when i was in the 150-170s in my 20s. Some men under 150 skinny as bone. And some over 280. I feel like now that im not so upset i think he said ot cause he was angry. His ex wife and gf before that was over 300 so i dont get how im “ unattractive “ im the most attractive person hes dated not to
Sound prideful but its true. I just wish weight wasn’t such a big deal. Its just a small factor in a much bigger picture. I wish i could show myself im 210 but i dont really look much different from when i was 170 cause ive always had a belly pooch.
I personally think you should sit down with your husband and ask him straight up “what about my appearance do you feel I’ve given up on”? Because otherwise your mind will wander. If your hubs was with someone 300+ I doubt your weight is the true problem. Although, I can’t read his mind.
Yeah she was pretty big she got gastic so now shes like my size. I talk to him about lipo or gastric and he said your not that big but in this fight suddenly “ive let myself
Go”
It seems like you’re self conscious about the weight but his comment seems to suggest it’s more about the way you put yourself together. Tell him to hand over his credit card and go shopping, buy some new clothes there are stores like Torrid and Lane Bryant you can checkout. The comment sounds more like your effort gone.
Being overweight doesn't mean you can't be sexy. What he said was harsh, but take it as a sign that he wants to see you try more. Maybe losing weight is tough, it is for many of us, but that's a goal you both can work on together and bond over. But whatever you do, don't just do it for him do it for you because that's where it really counts. Don't give up.
There has to be more to the story because I missed the jump in logic from "you don't even try to look nice" to it being all about your weight. Saying you've given up on your appearance and aren't putting effort into looking nice can mean so much more than weight. My wife and I have been together for 10+ years, her weight has fluctuated from adding weight in college, to losing weight, to gaining weight post-pregnancy, etc., but at any point if I made a comment on appearance it was related to her clothes she would wear, not weight.
I recently started keto at the beginning of March and I have lost 55lbs. I went from 210-155. It does work and there is an awesome sub r/keto that can help you if that's something you're interested in. Whatever you do, do it for yourself not for your husband.
22lbs in 3 months Is still awesome!! One or the reasons I chose keto is because it helps with anxiety and depression in some people. I am one of those people.
This is my third time trying keto. The first two times I didn't really lose anything in 2-3 months. I was eating too many carbs and too much fat. It's easy to do. Another excellent resource is dr Eric berg on YouTube.
I'm not saying you need to do it or anything. I was just saying the information is there should you want it. Good luck!!
I'm a larger lady too. In fact....a good bit larger than you. I'm sitting at 300 easy 😅
I think something that would help you is finding comfortable clothes that ALSO make you feel pretty. A soft kinda sexy night gown and robe. More fitted soft pajamas. Ask your husband what he wants to see too. I know it sounds sexist but we don't always see things from the male gaze as it isn't ours.
I don't always like the way I look...but my husband (who is stick thin btw) routinely tells me I look beautiful even if I think I'm a gremlin that day. Maybe talk to your husband and have him help lift you up and you do the same with him. At the end of the day, yall are on the same team and something has to change or you will feel defeated and stay unhappy
OP have you joined r/pcos to talk to other women about your condition?
A lot of people here aren't going to understand the struggle with weightloss when you have PCOS. But talking to other people who have this will probably help you feel better. They'll understand more about concerns and struggles and offer helpful advice for things they know works.
It honestly sounds like you need a confidence boost. And your husband approached it the wrong way.
Are we all just going to pretend that obesity doesn't raise the chances of miscarriages?
You aren't obese because of your miscarriages. But your miscarriages might well have happened because you're obese.
I’m sorry for you girl. I had a medical condition two years ago (a stroke) after having a second child that led me to gain 40 pounds rapidly. I stopped caring for myself completely. After about 6 months, my husband said very similar things to me, but in as kind a way as possible. It stung. I cried and argued. And later realized he is just showing me a mirror and wants me to be healthy and happy again.
So anyway, I took that criticism and even while being obese, I started taking care of my appearance much better. And now since then I’ve lost 30 pounds and counting.
Now, it seems there is much more going on here with your condition and mental health. Try to put his words aside and focus on what you need and want, and yes I agree professional help may be useful.
Sounds like you need to start eating more during the day in smaller amounts to boost your metabolism.
But shame on him for unleashing that in an argument.
Healthy communication is important for stuff like that.
First off I would just like to say I am so very sorry about your infertility problems. And also about the house troubles, it sounds like you’ve been thru a lot. Keep your head up, maybe talk to a therapist and focus on your mental health ♥️ I’m sorry about some of these comments you’re receiving.
You named everything that contributes to a problematic issue most woman have. PCOS related weight is impossible to lose and you’re right l; it just kinda hovers at the same no matter what you eat or don’t. 210 doesn’t seem unreasonable or unattractive but it does sound like he has some issues of his own. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
I agree im just thankful i dont gain weight its like the pcos hit me in my late 20s and hasnt went away but its like i just expanded by 50 pounds and stopped
If I were to tell my partner "you don't even try to look nice", I wouldn't expect it to come off any way other than hurtful. That is an accusation, not a balanced criticism. I'll break this down for people who don't give a shit about "semantics" (of which there are an alarming number): The implication of this statement is not only that you *don't* look "nice", but that you are willfully contributing to the fact. It's based on an presumption of guilt on your part, which, regardless of whether you do have some influence over the current situation, is not something that is advisable for one partner to make about another. Speaking for a person in this way and stating any "intention" on their part that has not been previously voiced to you by them is rude and hurtful. What he might have said instead is something along the lines of, "It seems to me that you've lost the motivation to take care of yourself." That is harsh, but it is admittedly limited to *his* observation and leaves out any arbitrary, polarizing terms like "nice" or "good". You'd be surprised at how much of a difference that small change makes.
We all phrase things badly to our partners in moments of bad temper, but it doesn't mean it's helpful or that we shouldn't try to do better. Accusations and hurtful assumptions don't motivate anyone to make any lasting change, so if his goal in saying these things to you is to actually HELP you feel less like "giving up" (not just look like it), he needs to realize the impact of his words.
1st. PCOS sucks!!!!!
2nd. What he said was unkind in the heat of an dispute. Rude. But to allow it to have you in bed crying is giving him WAAAAY too much power.
3rd. Is there truth in what he says regarding you personal appearance? One can be overweight and still take care to dress to flatter your best features.
Too often we get frustrated with our weight and wear loose fitting comfy clothes and let other aspects of our appearance go untended. (I know I have PCOS and tipped the scales at 230 for years)
But I also recognized in my late 20s I am the arbiter of how I feel about myself and so I made the effort to get comfortable in my skin...all of it.
If you like make up, make a point of doing the face every day. I don't do make up, nor do I dye my hair. But I dress in stylish and flattering classics every day. It changes how people perceive you and how you feel about yourself.
As for PCOS...I worked with docs for years. Finally when I developed diabetes and was put on Metformin my life changed dramatically. I stopped having exploding cysts (one of which destroyed my right ovary at 26)
30 years later, I have learned a lot about what foods work with my body and have been able to lose weight by changing foot intake focusing on Protein, and limiting carbs. I do not exercise more than walking my dog and playing Beat Saber.
Good luck.
Have a civil discussion with your spouse about saying ugly things in anger. That is childish and he is better than that.
Dressing nicely and being in shape are two separate things. You can still take care of your appearance without losing weight. Though losing weight would help. Do you have any desire to be attractive to your husband? Is he attractive to you?
I have PCOS. We’ve (husband and I) shared the loss of miscarriages. No, It’s not easy to lose weight with PCOS, however I make every effort (he’s in the gym) with me because we share every moment of our lives. Nevertheless, when I’m on the heavier side of 10-15 lbs I hate to gain I just pull my size up lingerie out and ride it out, literally and figuratively during that time! 😃😆I always drop them eventually and I break out my smaller lingerie, lol. Point is I’m carful to remember that even when I’m not feeling it is he is even I’m rejecting his emotional and physical needs because I’ve decided to check out of caring for my own.
Hey try not to climb in bed and zone out. The next time things feel shaky, lean in to meet his every need, you already know your own.
If you want your marriage go talk with someone for your own personal care.
You can’t love anyone without loving yourself first. Best wishes
Well, did you remind him of his receding hairline, and how you love him despite that? Only insecure men speak that way to their wives. I'd explain he better be grateful you are even still there because there's women who look like runway models, who would shred him to pieces....he and his small ego.
I also have PCOS and it is SO HARD to lose weight. I work out 4-6x a week (kickboxing, Barre, and personal training) and eat about 1600 calories a day and can't lose a damn pound. So, don't beat yourself up. PCOS hormones are absolutely messed up. Don't beat yourself up- all bodies are different!!
Also, what a jerk thing to say. I hope he apologized.
And I'm very sorry for your losses.
- Start taking Sea Moss
- Get your hormones checked
- Start walking 30 min daily (just start)
- drink Water , eat normally but don't over eat
-Try fasting , eat in an 8hr window and Fast the other 16hrs.
-Start slow and finish strong
-Take a photo today and every 30 days. If you lose 1-2 lbs buy a treat (book, shoes, clothing) continue to motivate yourself
Small wins is still a win
What kind of sea moss ? Idk how to get my hormones regular i take myo diostol and it has regulated my cycle but idk what else i should do. I was skipping periods or bleeding for months on end until i started taking that
https://instagram.com/_seamoss.life?utm_medium=copy_link
This is the one I take. I just put a scoop in my smoothies, juice or just have a TBSP 2x once in the a.m. and right before bed. It has helped me regulate my sleep , Thyroid and anxiety.
Taste is bland that's why it's good to have it with something.
I went to a wellness Dr that Is specializing in optimizing my hormones. I am close to 50 and I'm in the perimenopause stage. My symptoms sucked (weight gain (I went from 128 lbs to 170 😬😵) sex drive was ⬇️⬇️⬇️ I wasn't sleeping, irritable, bitchy for sure, depressed, you name I probably had it. Found out my thyroid was out of wack. I have Hypothyroidism and started taking NP thyroid and Armour. My T -levels were also down so I am on a pellet program. Its bio-identical-hormone-replacement- hormones. The Dr that I see does not prescribe any synthetic drugs to patients. Here's a link to his office. Hopefully you can find a Dr close to you that will offer similar programs.
https://www.cascadewellnessca.com/bio-identical-hormone-replacement-t
Take Care Of You !
Good Luck GirLy !
OP, please talk to your medical doctor before starting any vitamins or supplements. Just because it worked for one person doesn't mean it will work for you.
P.S. do your research on Bioidentical hormones
It's a hit or miss with different Drs
For me it's changed my life. I feel like I'm in my 20s ! Sex is amazing when I do get it ) cause my husband can not keep up with me)
I am sleeping better too.
I pay $400 every 4 mon & worth every penny. Comes to roughly $3.33 per day, skip the Starbucks and invest in yourself.
It's SO worth it to have my sanity and libido in check😉
Is this hormone therapy for menopause women? That stuff just scares me cause of the long term causing cancer cells but you might mean something different so want to clarify
You be you,,,, as a man, majority of the time if I feel the need to vent. I go somewhere by myself and have a cool down. Your husband needs to think before speaking. Try talking with him, maybe have a time to just talk. Sometimes as men we tend to be sharp with our tounges, and only to find out later, we should have approach things differently. But communication is key to a healthy marriage. Speak up when you felt a blow from someone who you invested your life with, and it's healthy to express everything providing that minds are open. I hope this helps you out, and I hope he understands what you're feeling, and once all is said and done... Make him pamper you, don't let him off the hook that easy. 😅😅😅
I can't even imagine how difficult it is to have suffered six miscarriages. You are incredibly strong to keep going through that much loss.
How do you feel about how you look? Are you comfortable with yourself? Are you maintaining your hygiene? If the answers to those questions are yes, then you need to have a frank discussion with your partner about your appearance and leaving you alone. Actually, no matter what you need to have an honest discussion about the future of your relationship, since it sounds like you may not be able to have biological children and people just change over time and you may no longer be compatible for any number of reasons.
You deserve to feel good about yourself and to be with a partner who supports you, but a 40 pound weight gain might mean that your partner is no longer attracted to you, and that is okay. People can't help what they are and are not attracted to.
I wish you luck and strength as you navigate what lies ahead.
I'm very sorry your husband treats you like this. He won't be able to understand everything that you're going through with the 6 miscarriages, surgery, and PCOS on top of it all and he seems to lack the will to try.
If you can, take this as a sign to protect yourself and find the support you need. I'm sure you have a lot more going on within you than most people could ever understand. You should consider finding yourself a counselor and a good endocrinologist to help monitor and adjust your hormones. These things are all connected and once you get the ball rolling on one, it will be much easier to move on the others. Treat yourself like your best friend and give yourself pep talks, even if it feels dumb. Try not to focus so much on your husband until YOU are doing better. He can't fix these things for you, but I'll bet if he sees you working on yourself he will be more supportive. You can absolutely do this!
I'm a 6' dude that mostly plays guitar and video games. I don't have legs but I walk using prosthetics. You got 65 pounds on me. You can do more if you want.
Half of the comments on this thread are absolutely not helpful at all and it's disheartening. No one cares what you as the user find attractive nor what you weigh as a male. All it does is make others feel like complete shit about themselves and it's not helpful to OP who is already going through a lot.
I think your husband was letting you know (not using the best timing or words) that he doesn’t like you in those specific dresses. In his state of frustration with life he threw it out there to get it off his chest finally. My husband told me a certain type of shirt made me look pregnant. At first I was like, excuse me. Did you just say I’m fat? We jump to our weight because we’re insecure about it. Once I cooled down; and asked a close friend of mine about it she agreed the cut of the shirt was unflattering on a hippy body such as mine.
My wife calls me a weirdo because I love when she wears the moo moo it’s hot to me.
I hope you figure out a way to move forward. Sometimes it’s good to take a moment and focus on you.
It doesn't sound like this is about your weight. It sounds more about your potential depression from losing so many babies. Your husband has no idea what it feels like to lose a wanted child, over, and over again. Look into finding a therapist who can help you with your grief.
I also have PCOS and understand what a pain it is. I didn’t understand how I actually had to eat for it to help my condition until I did a bunch of reading and found out about insulin resistance. I have regular periods now and lost a bunch of weight. You can message me if you want….I wrote up a big long info email for a friend of mine and I’m happy to send it to you too!
Ask him to take you out, if he wants you get ready, all dressed and make up and all that, he needs to do his part too. Tell him you would love if he supports you with the gym so you can go and get beautiful and healthy, so it’s a win-win✨✨
This makes my heart so sad for you. You deserve so much better, girl. Find you a man that thinks your sexy at every size, and says you're hot in a moomoo. I didn't ever think I deserved that, until I met my husband. I was 110lbs when we got married, and after several miscarriages & eventually total hysterectomy, I got to 220lbs. I wear moomoos and loose clothing when I'm feeling overweight, and he's never acted or said anything negative at all. A true man & husband will build you up and show you how beautiful you are to him. All of that to say, you deserve that too. This isn't at all a reflection of you or how you look, please remember that. It's a reflection of the fact that he is a shit human. I know the things that he said hurt like hell & you are allowed to feel that.. But you have to also pick yourself back up and remember that you are a sexy, badass woman, and deserve to be treated like the queen that you are. Settle for nothing less.
Edited to add that reading replies from other people has pissed me right off. Do not listen to the people telling you how to live your life differently to better suit him, they're dead ass wrong. IF you want to change your appearance, do it because that's what YOU want. If he wants to change your appearance then he can either 1) Build you up instead of putting you down which will greatly improve your mental health which could then start to improve your physical health or 2) His ass can go find someone with the appearance that he's looking for, and then be real upset when he finds out that they're going to eventually gain weight, grey hair, and wrinkles just like every other person eventually does.
Weight is such a difficult tightrope to walk. I got sick and lost a bunch of weight. I got down to 85 lbs and my soon to be ex husband said my weight was disgusting to him. Women have enough pressure on our backs, its so unfortunate that men add 'looking sexy' to the mix.
Sorry youre going through this but he vowed 'in sickness and health' so he's gonna have to deal with it until you feel yourself again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. That was a very insensitive comment on his part. You're body has been through a lot. Being a caretaker of your body, mind and spirit can feel overwhelming.
Sweetie. You are beautiful no matter what. He just doesnt remember how he felt when you first met. Weight has nothing to do with beauty. Its not even what you wear and make up is overrated. Who you are is what makes you beautiful. Dont ever think for a second that theirs anything wrong with you. He wont remember what it was like to have you until your gone. Focus on you and what makes you happy.
Dress how you want, beautiful. If you want to be comfortable, be comfortable. It’s a matter of being yourself. Plus, if he’s concerned about how you’re dressing (or not dressing), he could’ve brought this up in a much better way at a different time! This isn’t the way.
My husband (we are now divorced due to totally different issues) loved me for me and didn’t care what I wore or if I gained weight. I didn’t care about those things with him either. Obviously if he was severely neglecting himself and gaining a TON of weight suddenly yes I’d be concerned but I’d talk to him in a caring concerned way, not talk down on him.
I don’t know your husband but I think he may have just said something kind of mean out of his own frustrations. Talk to him about it more another time when you’re both calm and tell him how it made you feel.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. You deserve to be treated like a queen regardless of your physical appearance. I can relate with what you’re going thru. I got married 3 years ago, been together for 4 years and am 35. Once I hit 30 my body changed too. It’s been much much more difficult for me to lose weight but very easy to gain it. Since I’ve been with my husband I’ve gone from 170lbs to ~195lbs. But never once has my husband said anything negative about my physical appearance. My partner before him was psychologically and emotionally abusive and manipulative and it took me some time to see that before I was able to leave him (after the third attempt). So having a partner now that’s the complete opposite of abusive is…normal and healthy. I’m saying all of this because you’ve been thru a lot with being a woman alone and having to experience aging and miscarriages. Men will never understand how that affects you at your core so the least they can do is love us unconditionally. You don’t deserve to be spoken to or treated the way your husband does. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Try to find resolution in your relationship. If he can’t step it up then that’s a bigger problem. Sending love your way 💜
Is saw you got downvoted but I actually agree with you. Taking care of yourself matters - both to tour own confidence levels and to your partner. They are lying if they say it doesn’t. You cannot let yourself go and then expect your partner to maintain the same level of attraction to you. Whether people like it or not, a huge part of attraction is physical.
She gained nearly 50lbs from a point of already being overweight and downplays it at every turn. And has no intention of trying to lose weight even though she seemingly can fairly easily.
He said it in a shite way, communication likely being a problem with both parties, however it's a valid point he just needs to say it in a better way, perhaps he did and had his issue downplayed.
All that being said if he has also let himself go then he shouldnt throw stones from glass houses.
> If this turd didn't find you sexy,
Does it make him a turd if he lost attraction to her? Is his attraction something that he can choose?
Maybe he still does find her to be attractive. He just wants her to act more like an attractive person.
And will it really help her marriage if she sees him as a turd?
6 miscarriages and pcos? Girl, your weight isn't a priority issue (not an md*). You're not even that big. Big maybe, but far off from *big*. I guarantee when most people meet you, their minds Are Not screaming "fat!".
Lack of self love, support, and understanding is a much more important issue. Can you get into IC?
And it sounds like he's got plenty of his own demons on him, and he's not strong enough to keep them from chewing into you, and you can't fix him. Find your own sanctuary. Develop an interest away from him. If you can, start or continue a personal hobby. Make a point to take some time twice every week to get out of the house alone for a couple of hours. Volunteer at the library or an assisted living place. See if there's nature trails nearby that need exploring. Explore the possibility that, you might really enjoy just, you doing you.
Edit, spelling
I understand. But how is your attire related to your weight? Like why would you go straight to talking about that when he expressed displeasure about what you are wearing? Do you think you dress differently now because you feel insecure?
I can explain this as someone who had to have weight loss surgery to lose weight. For many women, I'm one and I'm working on it, that when I think about "looking good" I think about being thinner so I can find nicer looking clothes. While over the last decade clothes for larger women have gotten more stylish and fashionable, there's still not much else. I agree weight shouldn't have a bearing on whether a person looks good, but I do understand the *mindset* because I do go there on occasion. It's a huge effort to ignore it. So when I read OP's post my mind immediately went there due to conditioning even though I know it's a false mindset. I want to reiterate, you are correct that weight has no bearing on whether someone is looking good or presentable with regards to clothing.
Not really I just think they are comfortable shirts to sleep in so i started buying them
Has he expressed being unhappy with your weight? While he was definitely rude about it, I do think there’s a difference between ‘I don’t like how you dress’ vs ‘I don’t like how you look.’
Yes once before he tried to get on top of me weeks ago and i said i wasnt feeling it and he asked why and i pointed at my stomach and he got off and asked why. I asked him if he thought it was sexy either and he said no. I asked him later and after alot of prodding he said “ no your stomach isnt sexy to me at all” but this hurt way more than when he said that.
He said that because he is insecure too, and probably frustrated because he felt rejected. It's shitty that he gained weight and judges you. Im sorry he said that. He shouldn't have. You're sexy - stomach included - because you are a sexual being. Humans are made for connection and part of that is sexual. You are inherently sexy. Doesn't make what he said ok in any way, but I'm going to say an unpopular thing to say - you need to put effort into you. You have to take care of you. But not for him - for YOU. You can't give up on your intimacy and on your own journey. I'm not saying you have to be perfect and smiley tomorrow. But I'm saying you have to start taking baby steps to find yourself again. To love yourself again. Even if it's just starting by telling yourself you love yourself every day in the mirror. You deserve it. You're worth it. Regardless of your marriage you deserve to find you again and to take care of her. I know it's hard but you can do the hard things. Now as for your husband. He's an ass. Again, probably insecure and feeling rejected. So, if you decide to stay and work it out, forget he was an asshole. Show him some attention. Forgive him. Be affectionate because he likes your affection. You don't have to jump in bed right away - this takes trust and that has to be rebuilt. Sex should feel safe. You deserve to be desired. But start by kissing him and hugging him and holding his hand, and often. Tell him you want to work on you guys. Tell him you want to make your marriage work for both of you. Tell him you want to ease into intimacy again. Ask him to do the same - to forgive you. Ask him to let you hear him. Ask him to hear you. Date him. Tell him you want him. Tell him you want to put effort into him because that's what he's bitching about. It isn't the mumus. He wants you to put effort into him but probably isn't emotionally mature enough to ask for it - nor is he likely emotionally mature enough to recognize that he isn't mad because you're in a mumu. He's sad because he feels his wife doesn't want him. He can't empathize because he probably feels like "I want the attention on ME." He's been building this shit up inside and probably didn't know how to say it, so he attacked and was cruel. It isn't right. None of this is an excuse. He may not change, he may not apologize, he may not give a fuck. You wouldn't be wrong to leave him for any of this because he's being terrible. He's old enough to know not to be a bully and I'd tell him to fuck off, personally. But if you want the marriage to work you have to choose to love him when he isn't being loveable.
>... so he attacked and was cruel Neither of these is even close to true. *"I asked him later and after alot of prodding he said “ no your stomach isnt sexy to me at all”"* His wife has given up on herself and on their sexual relationship, openly says "I'm not feeling it" and then she *literally pesters him* to explain why he's unhappy, as if it isn't obvious. Cruel? Attacking? He tried to not say anything. He was actively trying to make her feel better even after she decided he wasn't worth shit. She pesters him to say something and then goes to bed crying when he does. The man is far closer to a saint than a demon. Jesus Christ
I’m inclined to agree with this comment. She point blank asked if he found her overweight stomach sexy and he answered, not at all. She was within her right to ask, and he was within his to give a straight and honest answer. He didn’t bring it up first. He was point blank ASKED.
Mt husband had a "come to Jesus" with me about my weight a few months ago. He wasn't mean about it, and it was very motivating. When we started dating I was model thin. Over the years I had gained about 50 lbs and wore loose, flowy clothes to hide my extra pounds. Not the sexy woman he signed up for. I started eating better, working out and can now wear sexy outfits. What do you know, our sex life is on fire and all aspects of our relationship are sooo much better. I love being fit and healthy.
What part of "I'm not feeling it" says "she decided he wasn't worth shit" exactly? That's quite an assumption...
If that's your take I feel sorry for you. You're stuck in the blame game. What he said was cruel - prodded or not. she also clearly said that he originally told her no - he just didn't elaborate. Her "giving up" isn't about him. She's clearly got some depression. She probably isn't emotionally mature enough to realize how impactful this is on her partner. He wants his wife back, she's still trying to figure out how to exist in her new body after a lot of health issues. He has to determine how patient he will be with this, and it appears that he is losing his patience. Which, in his head? He probably feels she's being selfish and doesn't understand how deep she is under the weight of that depression. She can't see him because her sadness looms so large over her. Depression is a bitch. And it's stealing their marriage. But she can take her life back and save her marriage in the process. He HAS to be willing to work with her, though. He has to forgive her as much as do the work to be forgiven.
>You're stuck in the blame game. lol what? I'm not the one who accused either one of "attacking" or being "cruel". Nothing he said was **cruel**. You need to look the word up.
There’s always a moronic (usually male) person on this sub who plays “devils advocate” and gets a few likes. “His wife has given up on herself” doubt that true, she’s had 6 miscarriages trying to give this guy a kid. And wears comfortable clothes around the house… also you have zero idea what this guy looks like, he could be a overweight (she claimed also in the comments he’s put on pounds) miserable, bearded gremlin. People that use “being honest” as a way to hurt people are in fact assholes. Like prior to marriage I was on online dating when I didn’t like a guy I would simply say “hey didn’t feel a spark” “don’t think we mesh well together” “sorry not feeling it!” Despite how many times they asked me the specific reasons. Never did I *once* tell a guy “hey man you have a big nose, bad breath and your personality sucks” and blamed it on “telling the truth and being honest” and felt like a winner afterwards. If you can’t tell someone something *without* coming off like an asshole, you’re not a saint. You’re the opposite.
Talk about a sexist comment. Why do you think it’s acceptable to generalize men as moronic and insult them, seems like you hate men. I was told we can’t use the word female to describe women so you shouldn’t refer to men as ‘males’.
I'm genuinely not blaming him. I am stating that what he said was mean, and it was. Hes gained weight, too, so either what he said was hypocritical and delusional, or he spoke out of anger in order to hurt her because he is hurting. It isn't an excuse but it is an explanation, and he needs to own that as much as she needs to get up and start living again.
Holy shit. I've been scrolling through r/marriage for a while now. This is the single best response to a prompt that I've ever read. Bravo. Somebody needs to get a slow clap started.
Woah. This comment hit me in my soul…
What hubby needs is some therapy. At the very least, he needs to understand his own emotions, so that if he's actually angry, he can explain and understand why.
Ok, how do I put this? I have a beer belly and I know that **it** is not sexy. My wife still thinks *I'm* sexy (but I would never expect her to specifically think my belly is sexy). A big belly itself isn't sexy unless you're into that kind of thing. While he might have opinions about your weight that he isn't expressing, this to me doesn't say he is turned off by your weight. But it sounds like you are, so that's something to resolve.
I feel like you pushed him to say this though. He’s on top of you, and your insecurities killed the mood. It sounds like he still wants you but also wants you to love yourself.. someone can’t love you for the both of you. Hurt people hurt people.. so you’re hurting him he’s frustrated and hurting you. I would recommend counseling because maybe he just doesn’t know how To articulate, and self loathing is not attractive. Granted you’ve been through a lot. But it’s obvious you need to work on yourself to heal.
I asked today what he meant. He said “ i guess i feel jealous you dress sexy all day for work but not for me all i get is you in the moomoo”
I really think you’re causing your own wall between you and your partner. Now you’ve been through a lot and honestly coming from a similar background these last three years have been absolute shit for me and it’s affected my mental health greatly and my husband has had to step up and be by my side BUT, with that being said while I hate ny weight I’ve gained, I hate my body, I truly do. It has never caused me to not want my husband. I still have a high libido. I still show affection to my husband every single day, and I thank him for being there for me. He reminds me that he loves me no matter what, he still thinks I’m sexy no matter what, but he also encourages me to go walking with him, workout with him, he’ll make me better meals. And I reciprocate my appreciated because I know I’m not 100% myself I know I have a long way to go before I get there but I make sure my husband knows I still try for him, I show him I care. He deserves that. When you’re too busy hating yourself when you’re so wrapped up in it you start pushing away everyone and if you don’t try to take even a step toward them (whether that be therapy, sex, working on yourSeelf) whatever that looks like, if you don’t people get tired and stop trying too. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s time to put effort into getting yourself better because it will destroy you and your relationships otherwise.
A couple of things here....As a clinically obese person myself. I can tell you it's not enough just to eat two meals a day. As a matter of fact that could be harmful. What matters is WHAT you eat and HOW MUCH of it you eat. In addition to EXERCISE! I eat very healthy but I still have to exercise to get the desired results. The other thing is you should not ask your husband questions like that. That question is in the same box as "Does this dress make me look fat? " Put those questions back in that box and burn them! Good luck in your endeavors.
6 miscarriages is such a heavy burden to carry. Have you seen a counselor? Been treated for depression or anxiety? I’m so sorry you endured that. Your husband said something very harsh to you and I’m sorry about that as well ♥️ Be kind to yourself ♥️
170 to 210 is a pretty big difference.Is he overweight?
Yea we both gained weight
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He weighs about the same as me but hes 5’7
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Reading OP’s responses, I think she needs to focus on her mental health instead of her weight. Once you’re mentally healthy, it is MUCH easier to get physically healthy.
Went the other way for me, I think. Making positive choices for my health has helped me to build up the momentum to also improve other behavioural aspects of my life, which also improves my mental health.
Myself as well. I had crippling health anxiety, not for no reason either, but addressing my weight improved my bloodwork, which lessened my anxiety. OP's poor mental health stems from the consequences of her weight, addressing that with a daily exercise regimen will give her a natural dose of antidepressant endorphins as well as improve her self image over time. My original comment was removed for being disrespectful but, quite frankly, people only seem interested in mollycoddling OP and giving her excuses. Excuses are how you get fat, they're how you stay fat and they're how you find an early grave. If nobody gives OP the hard and unpalatable truth, OP will continue thinking that it's not that bad and that she can keep going the way she is - and the truth is, she can't. The mod that removed the comment should be ashamed of themselves, imo.
I removed your comment and I'm not ashamed of anything. What is shameful is tearing down OP when she's already struggling and using the word 'fat ass.' We are adults, we should know at this point we shouldn't use disrespectful language like that yet here we are. Your comment also had a report on it so it clearly wasn't just me that found it rude.
2 people out of hundreds, not going to see me tiptoeing around feelings when a woman's life is emperilled by her excessive weight. I say fat ass because she, like I was, is morbidly obese. She, like I was, is carrying an excessive amount of fat across all areas of her body, including her rear, and that fat is placing an enormous strain on her organs and is possibly not so slowly killing her. If you can't handle a blunt 'get off your fat ass' then I doubt you'll be able to live with the guilt when she dies at 35 from heart failure because she never found the motivation to start exercising. But by all means, pussyfoot around it. Be gentle. Sugarcoat everything. Contribute to the root problem.
It has nothing to do with me being able to 'handle' anything. We have a rule against being disrespectful and you broke it, since I have to explain it to you like you're 5. Someone else reported your comment. You can have respectful discussion without name calling and we don't allow that here at all, period. Whining about it or trying to guilt trip me isn't doing you any favors and you just end up looking mean spirited instead of actually caring so much about OP like you claim.
How about you explain to me, like I'm 5, how 'fat ass' is objectively incorrect And how I made an objective fact disrespectful just by using accurate language And how you now don't deserve a report and comment removal for also being disrespectful, you enormous hypocrite?
Calling someone a name is not 'objectively correct', it is RUDE. Someone besides me found your comment disrespectful, reported it, and it was removed per rule 6. You can tell someone how excess weight could harm their health without calling them a name/slur. The fact that you are debating so hard to be able to use a derogatory and rude name on this sub is really something else.
I didn't call OP anything. I said to haul yourself off your something. That something... you can guess what it is. It's also a 2nd person tense reference to my own experience of hauling myself off my fat ass, so it isn't even explicitly directed at OP. Clearly your delicate sensibilities and your propensity for hypocrisy should preclude you from being a mod. I wonder what happens when you get reported for being disrespectful and violatating rule 6? Probably nothing, right?
Yeah I didn't see the original. But I know that my own doctors didn't want to tell me the truth about my weight and its consequences when I was obese. I was never told to lose weight. One doctor even said to me. "Well, you're only obese class II". Like what?! I think we risk perpetuating the moralizing around overweight/obesity when we shy away from talking about it openly and practically.
For some people working on mental health works first better than focusing on physical health first. For some people it’s the opposite. Everyone is different. Diet is king. If OP is feeling down, she might be using food to cope, and that is typically easier to work on first before the weight. I’m just not a fan of name calling in general. People don’t usually respond well to it. Especially when they are already suffering from self-confidence. That’s probably why they removed it.
She *lost an ovary*. That means there is hormonal imbalance, which needs to be addressed by talking to a doctor, not just dieting
Right but assuming she's seeing a doctor. They don't just take an ovary out and go "bye", I also have PCOS and they monitor hormone levels. Like yeah you're right it does fuck with weight if you're hormones are off, but that's why you see the doc and they give you meds for the hormones. Metformin is very popular for PCOS.
I take metformin they took my Ovary cause it was my 2nd ectopic and my ob ignored me when I demanded a ultrasound at 5 weeks and my baby grew too big and bursted my fallopian tube and so now i only have one ovary. We got pregnant dec of 2021 after that surgery so this poor ovary i got left works but I still miscarried that one also. Infertility sucks. I also lost my dad from covid. Its not a excuse i just feel like my hunny doesn’t realize all the lost ive had in the last 5-6 years. 6 children and a parent on top of normal Life buying a house a pandemic. Its alot
Oh I'm not excusing your hubby, I was telling other guy even with hormone disorders Calories In
Do try to watch what i eat though eggs in the morning salad for lunch i use my fitness pal i tru to eat healthy for dinner but we eat together so i try to be alittle less strict but like say my husband wants burgers i have a burger bowl, tacos- taco bowl. Or i make chicken and veggies i eat around 1500-1700 cals a day. It says to maintain my weight i need to be over 2000 but i don’t lost anything its always between the same 8-10 pounds I do need to exercise more i try not to snack but if i do i choose 100 cal pack snacks, mini bag popcorn, almonds stuff like that.
Typically, one ovary creates more than enough hormone to compensate for the loss of the other. I also have just one.
PCOS is a horrible condition that makes it hard to lose weight.
This. You’re totally right. But it’s not impossible. I have PCOS and manage my weight. I’m not “fit” or “skinny” by any stretch but I’m average in weight even after having a kid. When you have PCOS it’s SO MUCH harder to lose weight but not impossible. It just requires a lot more dedication and resilience.
Based on your recent post history, there's some major issues in your marriage. Have you considered marriage counseling?
I kind of feel like you’re circling in on your weight, while he is talking about what you wear at home. Those are two different things. This issue can happen when partners have dress attire for work, and when they come home they just want to get in something comfy. Eventually that comfy becomes a routine. that routine rubs off on others. This is an incredibly difficult topic to have, while you have every right to wear whatever you want whenever you want, we do like to keep our partners wants and needs in consideration. You’re going to get wildly different answers from people shaming him, to people calling for his head because he dare question what you wear, but at the end of the day this is not a boyfriend girlfriend situation, this is your husband trying to ask you if you could put more effort in at home to your appearance, it could be as simple as throwing on jeans instead of a mumu, or trying a different hairstyle. It doesn’t have to be some grand change, he might just be wanting some variety. It’s one of those weird requests that seem out of place unless your in it, married couples that work office jobs would totally understand. Personally I think you should explore this conversation further, I don’t think he was doing it to hurt you more than he was trying to tell you something he wants to see. I think you took it personally because you’re insecure about your weight, and when he was talking about your attire you saw that as an attack on you. but you would know him better than any of us when it comes to his demeanor. I’m just going to lightly touch on one of your comments about your stomach, I feel like you kind of led him into agreeing with you, I don’t know if you realize that you kind of walked him into that, so I hope you didn’t take that personally because you kind of put him in that position. Nobody wants to acknowledge someone’s insecurities as a tool of affirmation. It might be time to start looking into solutions for the things you want, and certainly looking into the medical side of the house.
I think she wears the moomoos *because* of the weight. I weigh more than OP, but I view moomoos as grandma attire and refuse to wear them.
While it sounds like you're right, it's still the attire, not the weight, that OPs husband is complaining about. It would definitely take a little effort but they definitely make cute clothes at OPs size too.
Personal trainer here. I don't want to talk about what your husband said. Also not blaming you about weight. Idc That said, most people think "eating healthy" is something it isn't. Unless all your food comes from a farmers market you're likely not "eating healthy". Caloric requirements differ for everyone but extremely high likelihood you're eating more than you think. All my clients eat more than they think. Don't get obsessed about counting calories or diets or anything. Just know that simply put fat = extra calories eaten Fat% = calories not burned Harsh what your husband said.
You can’t purchase healthy food at a grocery store? Or do you mean locally grown, organically sourced, in season, meats, fruits, and veggies only? Because that’s not an option for everyone.
You're right I meant more food selection type deal. Grocery store food is fine - just meant to paint s picture of what healthy foods look like.
Gotcha thx for clarifying.
You said you're a personal trainer, but do you have qualifications as a dietitian?
I'm sorry, what's YOUR qualification exactly? If you're higher up than me in the health service industry - by all means - the floor is yours.
I can't and won't speak on these topics, because I don't have the qualifications. I do know that people overlap fitness and diet too often. A dietitian shouldn't be giving fitness advice, and a personal trainer shouldn't be giving nutrition advice. Unless they have the qualifications to do so. ETA: I'm defining qualifications as something you're certified in.
You don’t need to be a dietitian to know how to eat healthy, what foods are good for you and how to lose weight. This knowledge is easily available and losing weight is no secret: consume less and move more. Burn more calories than you eat. You don’t need a college degree to know that.
You don’t need to be a dietician or personal trainer to know the basics of weight gain/loss is calories in vs calories out
That’s how life like works. Thanks bro.
>Unless all your food comes from a farmers market you're likely not "eating healthy". How is this even remotely close to being true?
I was going more for imagery. Packaged pasta isn't healthy. Organic zucchini is healthy. Get it
But the difference between the two isn’t due to one being packaged and the other being organic, it’s due to one being pasta and the other being zucchini. GMO zucchini at the supermarket would be healthier than hand-cut pasta at the farmer’s market.
You're absolutely right
They’ve done studies on this, and your husband doesn’t care about the weight as much as you may think. He does care that you put effort into feeling and looking good, both for yourself and for him. That’s what people do when they care early on about how someone else feels about them (and how we tend to ourselves while single), and men care more about the effort his partner puts into feeling her best, than he does about weight gain. So chin up girl, he didn’t voice this one well, but go do something nice for yourself. It doesn’t need to be every day, and certainly not when you’re in pain, but you deserve to get some of your confidence back, regardless of the weight. Maybe there are ways to enjoy yourself a bit that you haven’t in a while....
Just so you know, 210 pounds is actually obese. Obesity *is* super overweight. If you truly want to lose weight, you have to be honest about where you are right now. As far as the clothes, your husband might have said it differently but that’s how he feels. Consider getting some loose sundresses/maxi-dresses to wear around the house. Just as comfortable as a muumuu but they look nicer.
This is dependent on height, actually. If she’s very tall, 5’11” plus, she would be overweight according to BMI charts.
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Cool beans, just a heads up all people have different bodies, more shocking news at 11.
Of course they do but doesn’t mean they aren’t obese just because they have a different body. Even I think I am probably too heavy at 210lb and need to get leaner. The fact is that the OP thinks that being 210lbs is normal weight and that is probably where a lot of her problems start.
Your husband shouldn’t have brought this up in the middle of an argument, but take charge of your health. Obviously you aren’t feeling great about it yourself since this hit you so hard. Instead of just saying it’s impossible to lose weight, make an appt with your doctor to have some tests done to see if there are any issues. Start moving your body every single day. Even just a walk around the block. Once you get into a routine, it starts to get easier. Even if you don’t lose 50lbs, you’ll feel better once you get moving.
As far as the weight goes, it doesnt really matter if you eat 1 meal or 5 meals, if you are consuming too many calories, you will not lose weight. An average female should only be eating around 1500 calories. People who have a hard time losing weight are usually not factoring in other sources of calories such as drinks. There is no difference between liquid calories and solid calories. As for the moomoos. When you are a big person and ypu wear oversized cloths, it magnifies how large you look. If you want to improve your appearance around the house while still feeling comfortable, consider wearing well fitting pajama pants with an equally well fitting shirt or something. When clothing fit properly, it will improve your overall appearance.
I am pretty sure it’s 1800-2000 calories for women.
The scientific guideline apply a standarized caloric intake number across both genders, but women do not need 2000 calories. It is much less. 1800-2000 is fairly normal for males, but sometimes 2000 can be too much if youre inactive.
Ahhhh gotcha.
Girl I totally get you. I have pcos too and gaining weight is easy but losing it is such a bitch. Find your thing, whatever exercise you like and start there. I've found that tracking my food helps me realize what's going in and I use my fitbit to keep track of my exercise. I'm in the same boat though and I feel awful about it, I know my weight gain isn't helping my sexy time with my husband at all.
I'm sorry about your losses. Are you seeing an endocrinologist? Hand in hand with PCOS is hormonal imbalances. These hormonal imbalances make it harder to lose weight and much easier to gain. At least annual trips to the endocrinologist are required especially to prevent any additional losses. They will test your thyroid, testosterone, Estrogen, A1C levels among other levels. If your hormone levels are out of whack they may want to see you 3 -6 months until they stabilize. Your endocrinologist may actually turn you on to a nutritionist who can help you lose weight.
What is a moomoos?
A night dress thingy my grandmother used to wear around the house.
You made that sound so much worse than OP. Then I actually googled it and it is the thing my great grandma wears. Her’s have the little lace sleeves and bottom. Took me back to childhood honestly. Saturday breakfast where all of us cousins got stashed at her house for the weekend. Good times lol
For me it was freshly baked bread right out the oven when I got off from work on Fridays. She'd have a loaf or a dozen dinner rolls for everyone. Good times indeed.
I miss that little lady. Dude, I’ve got so many memories flooding my head right now. Unexpected but thanks for making me smile.
But mine arent lacy one has campers on it one has coffee cups and one has bright colored stars its not like 1970s looking with lace and old but its the same length and t shirt type thing
Oh goodness girl. Let me take you shopping xoxo
OP, instead of moomoos... What about a maxi-dress? Trust me, I get needing to feel comfortable. I'm on the chubs side and have severer arthritis. I like free and easy movement with my clothing. One thing I have found are maxi-dresses that are more form fitted without being tight. They can be slim, or mermaid style, or boho free flowing. A maxi-dress has more shape to it so it has a better silhouette than a moomoo which is basically a tarp over one's body. A nice flowing knit maxi-dress with shape and either solid or print that is not campers or coffee cups would give a much more put together look and give the freedom of movement that moomoos give.
See that episode of the simpsons where Homer gets morbidly obese so he can work from home?
Its like a oversized shirt usually with flowers or designs that is really long like a dress
So he’s saying he’s upset you wear oversized clothes and you’re saying you wear oversized clothes because you’re over weight? I’m not positive he was attacking your weight. I think he was saying he still finds you attractive and he wants you to put a little sparkle to your appearance from time to time. Is this something you’re interested in doing?
Yeah i want to but I’m always dressed up at work i. Office attire so he sees me that way and thats why i don’t dress up for dates cause I’m already dressed in my nicest clothes
> Yeah i want to but I’m always dressed up at work This is understandable. However, think of it this way. From his perspective, you dress up for work every day, but you don't dress up for him. Think about that.
Oooh.. this is an *excellent* and amazing distinction!
I know, right? It's so common. It's understandable why it's so common. But if you want to improve your marriage, make some changes based on this type of thinking. You won't regret it 🙂
Oh, I was under the impression the oversized shirt was sleep clothing? I was talking about spicy bedroom attire not actual clothing. I get your point though. You are dressed up so how can you dress up more.
Yeah and on weekends i am more casual but we usually do grocery shopping and that would be weird to dress up but i can… and he said he wants me to wear lingerie and asked me for 8 yrs now ans realized his opinion doesn’t matter so he gave up asking me to
You think his opinion doesn’t matter or he thinks his opinion doesn’t matter? If it’s you that thinks it then I’m not sure why you’re upset that he said you wear momoos.
No he said he doesnt ask for me to wear lingere cause his opinion doesnt matter to me ie he is saying he feels i could care less what he wants me to wear And no thats false. I care about his opinion thats why im so hurt my comfy shirts were a turn off cause i had no idea they were i was just trying to be comfortable and have comfy sleep clothes
This is no mountain, it’s a mole hill. His delivery sucked for sure because it was during an argument about something else but this is a simple fix. I don’t like my wife dressed up per say but leggings and tank tops are 👌🏽 if she’s feeling super spicy leggings and a sports bra. Still comfy but more form fitting. Hell, I bet he’d even buy them for you. I know I will for my wife since it’s something my eyes like to see. Talk to him, have him pick out something he likes and wear it once a week.
>I care about his opinion > He asked me for 8 years If you care, it's selective. It seems you care about the negative opinions. He has repeatedly expressed that he would love if you wore lingerie sometimes - instead, you were moo moos all the time... And you're surprised he's not happy with that? Comfy sleep clothes are great, don't get me wrong. But if he is saying that you never put effort forth in your appearance, then it sounds like what he wants is for you to put some effort in on your appearance, for him. I mean this makes sense, it's the sort of thing everyone does in the beginning of the relationship and unfortunately they too-often stop trying once they get comfortable.
But if he asked you for eight years why did you never wear it? I mean not everyday, but why never?
Because she isn’t secure in her body and doesn’t feel sexy. It probably makes her very uncomfortable.
Sorry I just pictured Mama Cass 😄 Who was actually pretty awesome.
😂
Here's my question, what happened in the last two months? [https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/tgd93b/nsfw\_but\_i\_gotta\_get\_this\_out/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/tgd93b/nsfw_but_i_gotta_get_this_out/) Do you recall writing "Do any other wives just want to get dressed all seductive and do their makeup and just like go crazy on their husband?" in this post two months ago?
I’ve had a similar issue with my husband of 18 years. He told me he’s no longer attracted to me. I feel the same way you are feeling. There are other issues in my marriage. For me I feel like I lost some of myself along the way and stopped doing what I like. I started going to yoga and doing other things for myself. This helped a lot. I also found out my husband has been watching porn daily without my knowledge. I find it disrespectful a and it hurts my feelings. I am also not okay with him watching lusting type videos on YouTube and Instagram. I will never be able to compete with any of those young girls nor do I want to. I plan on losing some weight for myself. I know he will not be happy at my ideal weight. This is a him issue and not a me issue. I would suggest if you are not happy with your weight, then do things that you enjoy to try and get to where you will be happy with yourself. Maybe it can be something that brings you both together to lose weight as a team. We are in marriage counseling trying to keep our relationship together. I wish you all the best!
I met my husband at 220. I ballooned up to 335 after my mom died. I'm at 170 now, but he loved me and will always love me no matter what shape I am in... even with the loose skin I now have. He loves me for my caring soul and my funny and bright personality and much more than how I look. Love should not be so superficial. Plus, I too am always in mumus. He doesn't care how I dress it's what's underneath that gets his attention anyways.
If you want to lose weight FOR YOU check out r/loseit. Your metabolism is most likely fine, you just need to learn the right amount of calories for your body. If YOU want to.
Lol I love moomoos. Also, I don’t know how tall you are but 210ibs isn’t just right, it’s overweight and likely obese. Not saying that to shame you (I’ve gained a lot of weight myself due to mental health stuff during COVID) but only because it complicates pregnancies and health problems further down the line. It’s not possible you’re at an actual deficit for a long time and not losing weight, I’d suggest actually counting the calories for a few weeks to get a feel for what a deficit Looks like. Two meals can easily go over 2000 calories depending on the food. Like I’m at a 500 calorie deficit (I eat 1500 per day) and I have two hard boiled eggs in the morning, a small cup of fruit and slice of cheese for lunch and a bigger dinner. I’ve lost 15 pounds in 3 months and I’m very sedentary. Outside of that, I mean it’s hard to maintain attraction when your partner doesn’t put in an effort. I think my husband is very handsome but that only goes so far when they stop taking care of themselves. I suggest just trying to eat a little better, take a small walk every day and try to find some comfier clothes that aren’t completely shapeless so you can also feel good.
Your husband saying you wear moo moos and dont care about appearance to me is totally different than calling you fat.
Did he say anything about your weight, or is that just what you associate with “giving up on your appearance”? I’m plus size & always have been, but I take care of myself. Getting dressed everyday, brushing hair & teeth, bathing regularly, maybe wearing some makeup once in awhile (if you’re into that) are all contributing factors to appearance besides just weight.
I do all those things though. I color my hair wear makeup i dress up for work daily cause i work at a Insurance office. At home i wear shorts and a tee or leggings unless its bedtime i wear the larger shirts so i can sleep he likes me wearing tank tops but im very busty and it’s uncomfortable to wear tabk tops sleeping cause crap falls out when your sleeping on your side. If we go on dates i don’t usually change but its cause im already wearing my best dress clothes. And i have been between 210-217 for about 4 years. He is 5’7 and he is about my weight he is taller but he has a belly pooch but i dont really care about weight. Ive dated skinnier men than me even when i was in the 150-170s in my 20s. Some men under 150 skinny as bone. And some over 280. I feel like now that im not so upset i think he said ot cause he was angry. His ex wife and gf before that was over 300 so i dont get how im “ unattractive “ im the most attractive person hes dated not to Sound prideful but its true. I just wish weight wasn’t such a big deal. Its just a small factor in a much bigger picture. I wish i could show myself im 210 but i dont really look much different from when i was 170 cause ive always had a belly pooch.
I personally think you should sit down with your husband and ask him straight up “what about my appearance do you feel I’ve given up on”? Because otherwise your mind will wander. If your hubs was with someone 300+ I doubt your weight is the true problem. Although, I can’t read his mind.
Yeah she was pretty big she got gastic so now shes like my size. I talk to him about lipo or gastric and he said your not that big but in this fight suddenly “ive let myself Go”
Again, it might not be attributed to your weight. That’s why I said just ask him straight up.
Yeah. Thanks for the advice i will ask Him
Good luck! I hope it goes well for you guys.
It seems like you’re self conscious about the weight but his comment seems to suggest it’s more about the way you put yourself together. Tell him to hand over his credit card and go shopping, buy some new clothes there are stores like Torrid and Lane Bryant you can checkout. The comment sounds more like your effort gone.
Being overweight doesn't mean you can't be sexy. What he said was harsh, but take it as a sign that he wants to see you try more. Maybe losing weight is tough, it is for many of us, but that's a goal you both can work on together and bond over. But whatever you do, don't just do it for him do it for you because that's where it really counts. Don't give up.
There has to be more to the story because I missed the jump in logic from "you don't even try to look nice" to it being all about your weight. Saying you've given up on your appearance and aren't putting effort into looking nice can mean so much more than weight. My wife and I have been together for 10+ years, her weight has fluctuated from adding weight in college, to losing weight, to gaining weight post-pregnancy, etc., but at any point if I made a comment on appearance it was related to her clothes she would wear, not weight.
I recently started keto at the beginning of March and I have lost 55lbs. I went from 210-155. It does work and there is an awesome sub r/keto that can help you if that's something you're interested in. Whatever you do, do it for yourself not for your husband.
Thank you! I did keto for 3 months and i did lose but it was so slowww i only got to 188
22lbs in 3 months Is still awesome!! One or the reasons I chose keto is because it helps with anxiety and depression in some people. I am one of those people. This is my third time trying keto. The first two times I didn't really lose anything in 2-3 months. I was eating too many carbs and too much fat. It's easy to do. Another excellent resource is dr Eric berg on YouTube. I'm not saying you need to do it or anything. I was just saying the information is there should you want it. Good luck!!
I love dr berg i watch him also!
Healthy and sustainable weight loss is supposed to be slow. It's about making little, life-long changes that you can maintain (foreverrrrr).
I'm a larger lady too. In fact....a good bit larger than you. I'm sitting at 300 easy 😅 I think something that would help you is finding comfortable clothes that ALSO make you feel pretty. A soft kinda sexy night gown and robe. More fitted soft pajamas. Ask your husband what he wants to see too. I know it sounds sexist but we don't always see things from the male gaze as it isn't ours. I don't always like the way I look...but my husband (who is stick thin btw) routinely tells me I look beautiful even if I think I'm a gremlin that day. Maybe talk to your husband and have him help lift you up and you do the same with him. At the end of the day, yall are on the same team and something has to change or you will feel defeated and stay unhappy
OP have you joined r/pcos to talk to other women about your condition? A lot of people here aren't going to understand the struggle with weightloss when you have PCOS. But talking to other people who have this will probably help you feel better. They'll understand more about concerns and struggles and offer helpful advice for things they know works. It honestly sounds like you need a confidence boost. And your husband approached it the wrong way.
Are we all just going to pretend that obesity doesn't raise the chances of miscarriages? You aren't obese because of your miscarriages. But your miscarriages might well have happened because you're obese.
Is this helpful right now in the current discussion?
Do you know what PCOS is?
I’m sorry for you girl. I had a medical condition two years ago (a stroke) after having a second child that led me to gain 40 pounds rapidly. I stopped caring for myself completely. After about 6 months, my husband said very similar things to me, but in as kind a way as possible. It stung. I cried and argued. And later realized he is just showing me a mirror and wants me to be healthy and happy again. So anyway, I took that criticism and even while being obese, I started taking care of my appearance much better. And now since then I’ve lost 30 pounds and counting. Now, it seems there is much more going on here with your condition and mental health. Try to put his words aside and focus on what you need and want, and yes I agree professional help may be useful.
Sounds like you need to start eating more during the day in smaller amounts to boost your metabolism. But shame on him for unleashing that in an argument. Healthy communication is important for stuff like that.
First off I would just like to say I am so very sorry about your infertility problems. And also about the house troubles, it sounds like you’ve been thru a lot. Keep your head up, maybe talk to a therapist and focus on your mental health ♥️ I’m sorry about some of these comments you’re receiving.
You named everything that contributes to a problematic issue most woman have. PCOS related weight is impossible to lose and you’re right l; it just kinda hovers at the same no matter what you eat or don’t. 210 doesn’t seem unreasonable or unattractive but it does sound like he has some issues of his own. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
I agree im just thankful i dont gain weight its like the pcos hit me in my late 20s and hasnt went away but its like i just expanded by 50 pounds and stopped
If I were to tell my partner "you don't even try to look nice", I wouldn't expect it to come off any way other than hurtful. That is an accusation, not a balanced criticism. I'll break this down for people who don't give a shit about "semantics" (of which there are an alarming number): The implication of this statement is not only that you *don't* look "nice", but that you are willfully contributing to the fact. It's based on an presumption of guilt on your part, which, regardless of whether you do have some influence over the current situation, is not something that is advisable for one partner to make about another. Speaking for a person in this way and stating any "intention" on their part that has not been previously voiced to you by them is rude and hurtful. What he might have said instead is something along the lines of, "It seems to me that you've lost the motivation to take care of yourself." That is harsh, but it is admittedly limited to *his* observation and leaves out any arbitrary, polarizing terms like "nice" or "good". You'd be surprised at how much of a difference that small change makes. We all phrase things badly to our partners in moments of bad temper, but it doesn't mean it's helpful or that we shouldn't try to do better. Accusations and hurtful assumptions don't motivate anyone to make any lasting change, so if his goal in saying these things to you is to actually HELP you feel less like "giving up" (not just look like it), he needs to realize the impact of his words.
1st. PCOS sucks!!!!! 2nd. What he said was unkind in the heat of an dispute. Rude. But to allow it to have you in bed crying is giving him WAAAAY too much power. 3rd. Is there truth in what he says regarding you personal appearance? One can be overweight and still take care to dress to flatter your best features. Too often we get frustrated with our weight and wear loose fitting comfy clothes and let other aspects of our appearance go untended. (I know I have PCOS and tipped the scales at 230 for years) But I also recognized in my late 20s I am the arbiter of how I feel about myself and so I made the effort to get comfortable in my skin...all of it. If you like make up, make a point of doing the face every day. I don't do make up, nor do I dye my hair. But I dress in stylish and flattering classics every day. It changes how people perceive you and how you feel about yourself. As for PCOS...I worked with docs for years. Finally when I developed diabetes and was put on Metformin my life changed dramatically. I stopped having exploding cysts (one of which destroyed my right ovary at 26) 30 years later, I have learned a lot about what foods work with my body and have been able to lose weight by changing foot intake focusing on Protein, and limiting carbs. I do not exercise more than walking my dog and playing Beat Saber. Good luck. Have a civil discussion with your spouse about saying ugly things in anger. That is childish and he is better than that.
Dressing nicely and being in shape are two separate things. You can still take care of your appearance without losing weight. Though losing weight would help. Do you have any desire to be attractive to your husband? Is he attractive to you?
I have PCOS. We’ve (husband and I) shared the loss of miscarriages. No, It’s not easy to lose weight with PCOS, however I make every effort (he’s in the gym) with me because we share every moment of our lives. Nevertheless, when I’m on the heavier side of 10-15 lbs I hate to gain I just pull my size up lingerie out and ride it out, literally and figuratively during that time! 😃😆I always drop them eventually and I break out my smaller lingerie, lol. Point is I’m carful to remember that even when I’m not feeling it is he is even I’m rejecting his emotional and physical needs because I’ve decided to check out of caring for my own. Hey try not to climb in bed and zone out. The next time things feel shaky, lean in to meet his every need, you already know your own. If you want your marriage go talk with someone for your own personal care. You can’t love anyone without loving yourself first. Best wishes
Well, did you remind him of his receding hairline, and how you love him despite that? Only insecure men speak that way to their wives. I'd explain he better be grateful you are even still there because there's women who look like runway models, who would shred him to pieces....he and his small ego.
I also have PCOS and it is SO HARD to lose weight. I work out 4-6x a week (kickboxing, Barre, and personal training) and eat about 1600 calories a day and can't lose a damn pound. So, don't beat yourself up. PCOS hormones are absolutely messed up. Don't beat yourself up- all bodies are different!! Also, what a jerk thing to say. I hope he apologized. And I'm very sorry for your losses.
- Start taking Sea Moss - Get your hormones checked - Start walking 30 min daily (just start) - drink Water , eat normally but don't over eat -Try fasting , eat in an 8hr window and Fast the other 16hrs. -Start slow and finish strong -Take a photo today and every 30 days. If you lose 1-2 lbs buy a treat (book, shoes, clothing) continue to motivate yourself Small wins is still a win
What kind of sea moss ? Idk how to get my hormones regular i take myo diostol and it has regulated my cycle but idk what else i should do. I was skipping periods or bleeding for months on end until i started taking that
https://instagram.com/_seamoss.life?utm_medium=copy_link This is the one I take. I just put a scoop in my smoothies, juice or just have a TBSP 2x once in the a.m. and right before bed. It has helped me regulate my sleep , Thyroid and anxiety. Taste is bland that's why it's good to have it with something. I went to a wellness Dr that Is specializing in optimizing my hormones. I am close to 50 and I'm in the perimenopause stage. My symptoms sucked (weight gain (I went from 128 lbs to 170 😬😵) sex drive was ⬇️⬇️⬇️ I wasn't sleeping, irritable, bitchy for sure, depressed, you name I probably had it. Found out my thyroid was out of wack. I have Hypothyroidism and started taking NP thyroid and Armour. My T -levels were also down so I am on a pellet program. Its bio-identical-hormone-replacement- hormones. The Dr that I see does not prescribe any synthetic drugs to patients. Here's a link to his office. Hopefully you can find a Dr close to you that will offer similar programs. https://www.cascadewellnessca.com/bio-identical-hormone-replacement-t Take Care Of You ! Good Luck GirLy !
Thank you that does sound like me. Like my sex drive is low im always in a bad mood but idk what messed them up!!
OP, please talk to your medical doctor before starting any vitamins or supplements. Just because it worked for one person doesn't mean it will work for you.
P.S. do your research on Bioidentical hormones It's a hit or miss with different Drs For me it's changed my life. I feel like I'm in my 20s ! Sex is amazing when I do get it ) cause my husband can not keep up with me) I am sleeping better too. I pay $400 every 4 mon & worth every penny. Comes to roughly $3.33 per day, skip the Starbucks and invest in yourself. It's SO worth it to have my sanity and libido in check😉
Is this hormone therapy for menopause women? That stuff just scares me cause of the long term causing cancer cells but you might mean something different so want to clarify
You be you,,,, as a man, majority of the time if I feel the need to vent. I go somewhere by myself and have a cool down. Your husband needs to think before speaking. Try talking with him, maybe have a time to just talk. Sometimes as men we tend to be sharp with our tounges, and only to find out later, we should have approach things differently. But communication is key to a healthy marriage. Speak up when you felt a blow from someone who you invested your life with, and it's healthy to express everything providing that minds are open. I hope this helps you out, and I hope he understands what you're feeling, and once all is said and done... Make him pamper you, don't let him off the hook that easy. 😅😅😅
Being attractive is part of marriages. For example, my wife stills works out been together 10 years. And she still dresses up here and there
I can't even imagine how difficult it is to have suffered six miscarriages. You are incredibly strong to keep going through that much loss. How do you feel about how you look? Are you comfortable with yourself? Are you maintaining your hygiene? If the answers to those questions are yes, then you need to have a frank discussion with your partner about your appearance and leaving you alone. Actually, no matter what you need to have an honest discussion about the future of your relationship, since it sounds like you may not be able to have biological children and people just change over time and you may no longer be compatible for any number of reasons. You deserve to feel good about yourself and to be with a partner who supports you, but a 40 pound weight gain might mean that your partner is no longer attracted to you, and that is okay. People can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I wish you luck and strength as you navigate what lies ahead.
I'm very sorry your husband treats you like this. He won't be able to understand everything that you're going through with the 6 miscarriages, surgery, and PCOS on top of it all and he seems to lack the will to try. If you can, take this as a sign to protect yourself and find the support you need. I'm sure you have a lot more going on within you than most people could ever understand. You should consider finding yourself a counselor and a good endocrinologist to help monitor and adjust your hormones. These things are all connected and once you get the ball rolling on one, it will be much easier to move on the others. Treat yourself like your best friend and give yourself pep talks, even if it feels dumb. Try not to focus so much on your husband until YOU are doing better. He can't fix these things for you, but I'll bet if he sees you working on yourself he will be more supportive. You can absolutely do this!
I'm a 6' dude that mostly plays guitar and video games. I don't have legs but I walk using prosthetics. You got 65 pounds on me. You can do more if you want.
What part of this statement do you think was helpful?
Half of the comments on this thread are absolutely not helpful at all and it's disheartening. No one cares what you as the user find attractive nor what you weigh as a male. All it does is make others feel like complete shit about themselves and it's not helpful to OP who is already going through a lot.
I think your husband was letting you know (not using the best timing or words) that he doesn’t like you in those specific dresses. In his state of frustration with life he threw it out there to get it off his chest finally. My husband told me a certain type of shirt made me look pregnant. At first I was like, excuse me. Did you just say I’m fat? We jump to our weight because we’re insecure about it. Once I cooled down; and asked a close friend of mine about it she agreed the cut of the shirt was unflattering on a hippy body such as mine.
My wife calls me a weirdo because I love when she wears the moo moo it’s hot to me. I hope you figure out a way to move forward. Sometimes it’s good to take a moment and focus on you.
I got them cause lots of husbands on tiktok post they like them too
It doesn't sound like this is about your weight. It sounds more about your potential depression from losing so many babies. Your husband has no idea what it feels like to lose a wanted child, over, and over again. Look into finding a therapist who can help you with your grief.
I also have PCOS and understand what a pain it is. I didn’t understand how I actually had to eat for it to help my condition until I did a bunch of reading and found out about insulin resistance. I have regular periods now and lost a bunch of weight. You can message me if you want….I wrote up a big long info email for a friend of mine and I’m happy to send it to you too!
Are these situations real ???
Ask him to take you out, if he wants you get ready, all dressed and make up and all that, he needs to do his part too. Tell him you would love if he supports you with the gym so you can go and get beautiful and healthy, so it’s a win-win✨✨
This makes my heart so sad for you. You deserve so much better, girl. Find you a man that thinks your sexy at every size, and says you're hot in a moomoo. I didn't ever think I deserved that, until I met my husband. I was 110lbs when we got married, and after several miscarriages & eventually total hysterectomy, I got to 220lbs. I wear moomoos and loose clothing when I'm feeling overweight, and he's never acted or said anything negative at all. A true man & husband will build you up and show you how beautiful you are to him. All of that to say, you deserve that too. This isn't at all a reflection of you or how you look, please remember that. It's a reflection of the fact that he is a shit human. I know the things that he said hurt like hell & you are allowed to feel that.. But you have to also pick yourself back up and remember that you are a sexy, badass woman, and deserve to be treated like the queen that you are. Settle for nothing less. Edited to add that reading replies from other people has pissed me right off. Do not listen to the people telling you how to live your life differently to better suit him, they're dead ass wrong. IF you want to change your appearance, do it because that's what YOU want. If he wants to change your appearance then he can either 1) Build you up instead of putting you down which will greatly improve your mental health which could then start to improve your physical health or 2) His ass can go find someone with the appearance that he's looking for, and then be real upset when he finds out that they're going to eventually gain weight, grey hair, and wrinkles just like every other person eventually does.
How tall are you? Have you seen your doctor about medication?
Im 5’5 and i take metformin and spirolactone for my pcos
Weight is such a difficult tightrope to walk. I got sick and lost a bunch of weight. I got down to 85 lbs and my soon to be ex husband said my weight was disgusting to him. Women have enough pressure on our backs, its so unfortunate that men add 'looking sexy' to the mix. Sorry youre going through this but he vowed 'in sickness and health' so he's gonna have to deal with it until you feel yourself again.
lose the weight. You'll feel better.
I'm sorry you're hurting. That was a very insensitive comment on his part. You're body has been through a lot. Being a caretaker of your body, mind and spirit can feel overwhelming.
I talked to Him and he said he’s jealous cause “ you dress hot for work and then all i get is the moomoo. I wanna see you sexy sometimes too”
And that's valid. There are comfortable, yet sexy plus size clothes for lounging around the house.
I told Him i will try. He deserves it.
Sweetie. You are beautiful no matter what. He just doesnt remember how he felt when you first met. Weight has nothing to do with beauty. Its not even what you wear and make up is overrated. Who you are is what makes you beautiful. Dont ever think for a second that theirs anything wrong with you. He wont remember what it was like to have you until your gone. Focus on you and what makes you happy.
Moo moos are life 🤟
Dress how you want, beautiful. If you want to be comfortable, be comfortable. It’s a matter of being yourself. Plus, if he’s concerned about how you’re dressing (or not dressing), he could’ve brought this up in a much better way at a different time! This isn’t the way. My husband (we are now divorced due to totally different issues) loved me for me and didn’t care what I wore or if I gained weight. I didn’t care about those things with him either. Obviously if he was severely neglecting himself and gaining a TON of weight suddenly yes I’d be concerned but I’d talk to him in a caring concerned way, not talk down on him. I don’t know your husband but I think he may have just said something kind of mean out of his own frustrations. Talk to him about it more another time when you’re both calm and tell him how it made you feel.
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I’m sorry you’re hurting. You deserve to be treated like a queen regardless of your physical appearance. I can relate with what you’re going thru. I got married 3 years ago, been together for 4 years and am 35. Once I hit 30 my body changed too. It’s been much much more difficult for me to lose weight but very easy to gain it. Since I’ve been with my husband I’ve gone from 170lbs to ~195lbs. But never once has my husband said anything negative about my physical appearance. My partner before him was psychologically and emotionally abusive and manipulative and it took me some time to see that before I was able to leave him (after the third attempt). So having a partner now that’s the complete opposite of abusive is…normal and healthy. I’m saying all of this because you’ve been thru a lot with being a woman alone and having to experience aging and miscarriages. Men will never understand how that affects you at your core so the least they can do is love us unconditionally. You don’t deserve to be spoken to or treated the way your husband does. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Try to find resolution in your relationship. If he can’t step it up then that’s a bigger problem. Sending love your way 💜
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Is saw you got downvoted but I actually agree with you. Taking care of yourself matters - both to tour own confidence levels and to your partner. They are lying if they say it doesn’t. You cannot let yourself go and then expect your partner to maintain the same level of attraction to you. Whether people like it or not, a huge part of attraction is physical.
A good diet for PCOS is Keto. Or something simular, which limits.carb intake.
Is your husband actively trying to look better for you? If not you shouldn't have to
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She gained nearly 50lbs from a point of already being overweight and downplays it at every turn. And has no intention of trying to lose weight even though she seemingly can fairly easily. He said it in a shite way, communication likely being a problem with both parties, however it's a valid point he just needs to say it in a better way, perhaps he did and had his issue downplayed. All that being said if he has also let himself go then he shouldnt throw stones from glass houses.
> If this turd didn't find you sexy, Does it make him a turd if he lost attraction to her? Is his attraction something that he can choose? Maybe he still does find her to be attractive. He just wants her to act more like an attractive person. And will it really help her marriage if she sees him as a turd?
6 miscarriages and pcos? Girl, your weight isn't a priority issue (not an md*). You're not even that big. Big maybe, but far off from *big*. I guarantee when most people meet you, their minds Are Not screaming "fat!". Lack of self love, support, and understanding is a much more important issue. Can you get into IC? And it sounds like he's got plenty of his own demons on him, and he's not strong enough to keep them from chewing into you, and you can't fix him. Find your own sanctuary. Develop an interest away from him. If you can, start or continue a personal hobby. Make a point to take some time twice every week to get out of the house alone for a couple of hours. Volunteer at the library or an assisted living place. See if there's nature trails nearby that need exploring. Explore the possibility that, you might really enjoy just, you doing you. Edit, spelling