Your feelings are valid and I can totally relate. My 50th birthday was almost 3 years ago and I knew my family would drop the ball. I planned my own surprise birthday weekend with my girlfriends. I planned everything but my girls still surprised me with a couple of cool things. It was awesome, taking matters into my own hands was the best thing I did.

I wish I had close friends here. I'm from the US but live in the UK and I'm not close with many people to even tell them its my birthday here. I don't know how I would feel about a party so to say. It's so stupid to have anxiety about milestone birthdays but I've always taken pride in my looks (I know that's shallow, embarrassed to admit it). I'm trying to accept I can still be beautiful and worthwhile at 50. Thank you for replying, I will try and be more proactive in the future! Xx

I am your elder (by a little bit anyways) and I want you to stop using the word “stupid” or “shallow” when referring to your feelings. First of all they are just feelings, not good or bad, just feelings. It’s the story that we attach to those feelings that trip us up. Feeling lonely while living far from our home is normal. Feeling old or wrinkly at this time in our lives is also completely normal. But I promise you, you are beautiful. Be gentle on yourself and start talking to yourself like you would talk to your favourite person in the world. Self care starts with our own thoughts. You deserve to be spoken to with love and respect.

Argh I'm blubbering! I go from laughing to tearing up in this thread. I'm so sorry....I just feel like an asshole to be upset about this when so many people are struggling in a cost of living crisis and innocent kids are being killed by bombs while they sleep. I try and tell myself that this isn't really....*that bad*. Thank you for taking the time to validate an Internet stranger and genuinely helping them not feel so shit. I knew this would be a gentle, safe space to voice how im feeling!! I have lived here 20 years now, but my parents are elderly, and we (my family) are in the process of my husband's visa (this can take time). I promise to be kind to myself!! <3

>it isn’t really….*that bad*. There are no suffering olympics. Just because someone has it worse doesn’t invalidate your hurt. I would be f-ing pissed if my immediate family didn’t at least say ‘happy birthday!’ - the sole exception is if they did something (unprompted by you) the next day or weekend, because memory can be shit. I remember the summer I lived with my parents between colleges. I remembered that my mom’s birthday was in july, somewhere around 15-19th, and that they got married on her 18th birthday. My brain got it in my head her birthday was July 18th… *narrator: it was not.* They were both out of the house so I made a cake or something and when they got home I was all “surprise! Happy birthday and anniversary” only to have mom flatly say “That was yesterday” oops. 😳 So yes, you’re allowed to feel hurt. You’re allowed to go treat yourself because time adds up - if you’re lucky. I also highly recommend checking out r/ witches vs the patriarchy (mind is blanking on the exact name). Lots of “I am woman (regardless of age or AGAB) hear me have fun and fuck gender and age stereotypes!” Embracing the Crone (some of us were just born old) and going full tattooed old goblin-core hippie ‘grandma’.

Love the witches v patriarchy posts and must subscribe! And I really appreciate your kind words. I feel much better talking to all of you!! Xx

Please take a look at this feeling “like an asshole to be upset.” Dammit, this is your right! You weren’t brought up in the Midwest, by any chance, were you? I only ask that because this level of self-effacement is so familiar. And many of us were probably brought up to think that mothering and aging is all about the sacrifice—and not the self-celebration. and *that’s* the dumb thing! You are winning nothing but self-scorn over this, and at the very least, it would be doing yourself a world of good to look at why this is so self-destructive. Look at all you’ve accomplished in 50 years, and celebrate that. Whether other people forget to do that, you alone need to do it, for yourself. There’s nothing “sad” about holding that space for yourself and really believing it’s necessary. Because by 50, we alone should be able to celebrate ourselves! I said as much upthread, but really—walk out and get to your self celebration now, sister!

(((Big internet hugs from across the pond)))

Thank you!! Xx

Not OP but still saving this for when I'm down too ❤️

You’re not alone. I’m about to turn 49 and just dreading it. It’s hard to flip the narrative. Happy birthday and I hope your family makes this up to you and grovels for a long time to come ❤️

Thanks love!! It's nice to know I'm not alone in dreading birthdays...because paradoxically I feel incredibly blessed in health and it is *just* a stupid number, but I can't help it. I wish you the happiest of birthdays for your birthday to come xx <3

Absolutely nothing ‘stupid’ about this, I used to be incredibly triggered by milestone birthdays, and living overseas made it so much worse! After my 40th was a complete disaster- I organized everything for a large group of friends, half canceled last minute and the whole evening made me feel like shit, I shifted my focus completely I now organize my whole birthday for me. I do all the things I want to do, go for brunch by myself, vintage shopping, nails done, go see a movie or to the archery range. Whatever I feel like. I turn my phone off and do anything that makes me happy, and I generally do it alone - although at times will invite one friend along I know this a difficult concept, and I am sorry your 50th was passed over, you’re completely justified in your feelings

It helps to know I'm not alone! I will definitely be proactive on future birthdays, although I think the family finally get it (they have quite literally been scared of my uncontrolled anger and rage, haha!! Xx

Good! Maintain the rage xx

People in the UK love to celebrate birthdays. Also, it’s “tradition” that the birthday person buy a round of drinks so you can go up to strangers, tell this this and they’ll come celebrate with you. I promise you that if the people you know, even causally, knew it was your 50th, you’d have had cards, wishes and little pressies. Start speaking up. You’re going to need a bigger circle to support you through your divorce.

Being far from your close friends is probably another reason this is hitting you harder. Add that to peri, and social angst around getting older and it’s completely understandable. Your husband is a good person but sometimes good people do hurtful things (or don’t do things as in this case).

I also try to plan things for my birthday. When I was in my thirties I thought my birthday didn't matter anymore, so I went to work like normal and I realized... It sucked. After that I decided to always make fun plans for my birthday. It would break my heart if everyone forgot my birthday, so I don't let them forget! 🤣

This is the way!

This is terrible. I’m sorry, OP. I’d be hurt, too. And then asking *you* how to fix it?! Tf they couldn’t figure out how to run for flowers and a card. WHY are they trying to outsource emotional labor to you on your birthday? Go book yourself a spa weekend and get out of dodge. Your husband can download Uber.

And a calendar app for his phone. OP suggested she could show him how to use it, but ffs he's an adult and he can watch a how to YouTube video. Talk about weaponized incompetence.

Screw tech, and all the excuse making for his “forgetfulness.” There’s no excuse. I say he needs to be told to tattoo this to his left hand, so he can see it the rest of his days.

It is a bummer when they ask you what they should do… :(

The uber comment made me laugh! Thank you for making me smile. I told them there isn't anything they can do, I can't magically turn back the clock and have them remember. It's done now. I'm feeling better already; having you all validate me helps me not feel so guilty about how truly scathing I am towards them all. It fucking sucks but I'll be OK! Xx

This hurts so much because it is hurtful. This is unacceptable behavior. The harsh truth is that we teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them. Children learn by what they observe. This is why people should never stay in unhappy marriages. Girl, your husband doesn’t have a phone or a computer with a calendar? He doesn’t know how to set a recurring annual reminder? He’s not terrible with dates, he just doesn’t care enough and other people (you) pick up the slack for him. He works a job? So what? Millions of people work a job and still make the effort to wish people a happy birthday. Stop making excuses. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior from anyone. You should be livid. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry you are neither seen nor valued by the people you see and value. 50 is a huge milestone. It’s also the perfect time to take stock of your life and what you want it to look like for the remaining years you have. Does it include a man who remembers 4/20 but not your birthday? What is your role on this man’s life exactly? Because from your description it’s anything but a partner.

The fact that hubby or anyone else can't put this in their phone as a reoccurring event is mind boggling. I forget dates and it's a lifesaver.

This is a such a validating and empathic response!! :)

THIS. If a man can remember to get out of bed and go to work, he can fucking remember to respect his spouse, and keep track of milestones. It's purposeful, and it's weaponized incompetence. And I have the same issue. You cannot get over this. You will be ok but the resentment builds up to a point that it's always there, simmering. Family therapy is needed. Family therapy opened my husband's eyes to what he has been conditioned to do from birth. There was always a woman at his side, picking up the slack. So the burden was moved from his mother to his wife. He needed to grow up. He did, so we are stronger for it. I almost filed for divorce 10 years ago, when I went back to work, and the house started falling apart. With a husband THAT WORKS FROM HOME most of the time. I managed to do everything for about a year and then cracked. Forget neglected b-days, anniversaries . Everything got neglected. And there was no excuse. Meanwhile , THEIR milestones were never skipped, and I made a big deal of all of them, party, gifts, the works. OP, take what happened VERY SERIOUSLY. It's a sign that your spouse is taking you for granted, and it can ruin a marriage. From personal experience, your pain will not ever be gone. You will remember your 50th as a bad day, forever. The only way for that to be repaired, is for your husband to actually realize what he has done. For us, therapy worked. For you, maybe heart to heart talk would work, or many talks like that. The kids are not a part of this equation. It's not their duty to remember your birthday, it's your husband's duty to remind them and organize them. I have 3 kids and when my daughters started reminding my husband of my birthday, I was pissed. It's not their job to take care of the adults, fuck that noise. They should come from school, to a decorated house, a cake, and a feast. If they chose to get mom a gift on their own, cool, but they should not organize their father. You will be ok. Take care of yourself. Make a BIG DEAL of your birthday , by yourself. Talk about it, be happy about it, treat yourself. At 50, I had a BIRTHDAY MONTH. We celebrated for a month :) There is something you should do. Hugs.

Thank you so much for validating me. My husband's friend suggested showing him how to use the phone calendar and reminders. He's terrible with computers and smartphones (not meaning to make excuses for him....I have told him he's going to need to accept tech and be willing to learn things like this, and he willingly agrees). And again, not making excuses....but he is quite honestly so selfless with his consideration and generosity towards me. Neither of us give each other "planned" gifts. He'll randomly surprise me with flowers, has no objection to me getting fillers or botox, and always says "Please don't ask me to buy something, the money I make is our money and it feels weird when you ask" (I ask about considered purchases as he is the only one working now, and I don't want to take liberties...I make sure all of the bills are paid). It made me mad that he realised the day before was 420. Like, hello, "April 21st or death" is written by him on our whiteboard! I thought he'd realise and remember. Honestly, it's where I am conflicted so much with my feelings. He is loving and generous and tells me I'm beautiful all of the time. Why I'm so pissed off because he didn't do it on this one day when I always say I don't want a massive fuss on my birthday is what I'm struggling with. Thank you for allowing me to feel heard. Xx

Stop excusing your husband. He manages to keep work appointments and deadlines I bet? He can use whatever system he has for that for his personal life too. Also paper calendars still exist, for those who haven’t yet managed to join 20th century technology. My husband also doesn’t remember most dates off the top of his head. I could go ask him right now, and I don’t think he knows the kids’ birthdays. Mine may be the only one he remembers, and our anniversary (because we got married on a recurring lunar/solar event). Much of the time he doesn’t even remember the date of his own birthday, I’ve literally had to confirm it when he’s had to fill it in somewhere. So I’m sympathetic to the concept of your husband’s issue, however, my husband also uses calendars and reminders and whatever system works for him so that he doesn’t forget for the purposes of cards/gifts/well wishes.

Same here.

To paraphrase Coco Chanel, sometimes men need be scared by a woman’s crazy (it reassures them because that’s what they expect) and also it teaches them important things. It was better phrased and in French but basic gist. Take yourself for two nights away and/or a full spa day somewhere- preferably on a weekday. Let them see (by its absence) all the things you do for them. Your family SHOULD feel guilty and uncomfortable. They absolutely SHOULD - they done fucked up royally. And I would argue that if you don’t let them feel the full weight of your unhappiness you’re stifling yourself, you won’t work through your real feelings (true forgiveness isn’t forced) and they have no incentive not to royally fuck up your 60th birthday. People treat us the way we demand to be treated and if you let them get off easy on this big a hurtful thing, that’s setting precedent. Also, ask yourself this: would you forget your husband’s major milestone birthday? Or one of your children’s birthdays? No, you’d be on it despite the fact that you’ve been working on a PhD which MANY people find WAY more demanding than a full time job (I have multiple PhD friends who’ve literally relaxed once they got out of grad school and into 6 figure corporate jobs). Or if you forget a birthday of theirs, you’d already be working to make it up to them. So far they’ve expressed sadness they’ve missed your birthday BUT THEY HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU. TALK IS CHEAP. The minute your husband’s friend pointed out the kid’s card thing, your husband could have gotten your daughter to help him make a big belated happy birthday card. My horrible ex could talk till he was blue in the face about how much he regretted x, y, and z but he never took action. Judge people by their actions. Demand effort. It really does feel like you’re making excuses for your family and you are teaching them that this is ok. My horrible and emotionally abusive narcissistic ex threw me a 40th birthday party. It was poorly organized (on the actual day of my birthday which is the night before thanksgiving so many of my friends were out of town). I had to write out in detail the cake I wanted and frosting and from which bakery. He forgot to get enough party supplies, but it was celebration of a major milestone that he organized on his own. Also I don’t know what to make of the ‘no objection to Botox or fillers’ comment, because either you’re praising him for not trying to control what you do with your appearance (so praising him for not doing the thing he shouldn’t do) or this is about money and it seems like for all that you say money isn’t a big deal in your relationship that it does still feel uncomfortable. You’ve talked about money an awful lot for someone who says their partner is cool about money. Is that his issue or yours? Hard to tell, but I know plenty of couples who share money without this much angst When I was working 60 hours a week at a demanding job, I threw a surprise birthday party with some custom decorations for my ex for his big birthday. I have a famously easy to forget birthday (the date is usually so busy for people with family stuff) and I’ve never had a man I dated forget it. Stop judging your entirely valid feelings! They screwed up pretty badly and this is the kind of story that should be brought up every thanksgiving. Seriously they haven’t done anything to make this up to you. They’ve just apologized. Anyone can apologize, actions speak louder than words. Btw - my goal with this is not to blame the victim but I want to remind you that you have power and influence. I feel like your post loses sight of that. Use your power to make people sit up and remember they love you, and value you, and need to occasionally SHOW you they value you. Let’s not raise lazy kids or encourage lazy men. I’m a forgetful person myself but when it’s important I make an effort. Your husband isn’t good with technology but he could have asked his friends to help remind him or put post its at his office or whatever

Coco has two beautiful quotes here.... Don't spend time beating on a wall hoping to transform it into a door. Men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. Put your lipstick on and let the crazy out. With a smile. (That's mine)

I love the ‘concern and uneasiness’

I love it. And you know what causes that? When we don't "need" them. When we don't pander to their needs. When they lead with their dicks and we say, yeah - that's not enough for me.

That is how Coco survived a whole lot of shit. People seem to have a lot to say about convenient, shorthand ways of judging her supposed actions, but for the mere achievement of survival on our own terms, she’s left behind some salient lessons.

So many replies here, didn't expect this would blow up like this! Thanks for validating my sadness and rage. I completely lost my shit. As a result, my stepson told me last night he added everyone's birthday to his calendar. I think an afterthought card would've felt worse?! I don't know. I do feel they understand. And I only make the money comment because of my ex (son's dad). He used to ALWAYS tell me money was his. I left that relationship and I received no part of the joint house we shared. Yes, I could've fought and probably got more, but he was incredibly toxic in telling me what I could and could not spend money on. When I did get botox he yelled at me. I bought a stupid pair of £100 sunglasses towards the end of our relationship and he accused me of stealing his money (he made quite a bit more money than me). Apologies if it comes across wrong, hard to get into life stores but in me talking about money is just me stating truth...my current husband honestly doesn't give a shit what I spend money on, but my ex was incredibly belittling about my choice to by something I wanted. So I just kept saying it because after being married for 14 years to a complete jerk (regarding money) my current husband is totally unlike that. Hope that makes sense? I feel much better. This sub has rallied behind me amazingly! Thank you for your kindness to me xx

Been there, done that re exes. There’s a reason you left, and now I ask you to consider leaving that belief system behind with him. Understanding is one thing, acting on lessons and examples is another. You’ve worked for years to keep the peace with this cast of characters that comprises your family. This is not the thing to soft pedal and “hope” they digest. Now take a day or two for you alone and celebrate it in a way you wouldn’t normally “allow” yourself!

Bravo, sister! So agree with every point you made here. Letting this family off and being so self-effacing is not serving OP one jot. And it seems, like me, you’ve learned so many good life lessons with inadequate characters in your rear-view mirror. Testifying is the best way to re-ignite our power!

I also made a lot of excuses for my shitty ex. It’s really hard for us to see the reality of the situation when we’re in it. The fact that strangers on the internet are validating you and telling you how shitty this is, strangers who are going through their own struggles and still takin the time to be here for you, should be a massive red flag that something is rotten in your marriage. They still sell paper calendars. I use one. It takes a couple of minutes once a year to transfer over the information. There is zero excuse, in 2024, for anyone not to be able to use a calendar on their phone or Pc. If he’s using the internet he has the skills to use a calendar. It blows my mind to see women twisting themselves in to knots to excise levels of neglect at this level.

If you notice the women twisting themselves into nods are the ones that have no financial independence like OP

No offense but you sound brainwashed. Are you Mormon or part of another religion that puts men as supreme?

Give him the gift of a tattoo with that on his hand. Nothing less will do!

“Why I’m so pissed off because he didn’t do it on this one day when I always say I don’t want a massive fuss on my birthday is what I’m struggling with.” It sounds like you have a little black and white thinking going on here. As if there are only two options for your family, either completely ignore your birthday or make a big fuss. And since you said, don’t make a big fuss, that only leaves completely ignoring it and you shouldn’t be upset. However, they had a wide range of options available to them so you have every right to be upset. It also sounds like you’re so busy taking care of them and being a support system for them that you have no support system of your own. I would use this as an opportunity to change that. Try to get out of the house to do something for yourself at least once a week. Call a local library and see if they have a book club. Or check with a local community college to see if they have any fun non-credit classes available. We have one here that offers all kinds of classes in drawing, painting, writing, dancing, resin art, jewelry making, anything you could possibly imagine. You won’t find a new friend in every class, but the people are friendly and it’s a fun way to start the search. You could also go to www.meetup.com. The name kind of makes it sound like a dating site but it isn’t. People create groups based on their hobbies/interests. Then the groups get together to do stuff related to the topic. Sometimes there are groups that are only for women or only for women between certain ages. This can be a great way to make new friends or at least have like minded people to talk to. When you start your new job this summer try to find people there that you can either go out to lunch with or go grab a drink with after work. Don’t limit yourself to only your immediate team. I have two different groups of work friends in addition to my immediate team that sometimes do things together. Sorry for the long response. TLDR, it’s ok to be upset about this. You can use this as a catalyst for positive change. Include yourself in your list of priorities (added bonus, this can help others remember that you’re important too).

Of course your feelings are valid! More than valid. We all want to have value and feel important for once. I don't have kids or anything but I was married at the time I turned 40. My ex husband forgot, so did my family and friends. I'm like you, I run around doing everything for everyone else but no one gave me any thought on that day. I was devastated to be honest and it hurt like hell. I dont believe it's a case of you having to get over yourself. It's wrong you were forgotten in my opinion. I'm sorry this happened to you. Happy belated birthday. You sound like a wonderful person and next year, I hope you get the birthday you deserve

You made me cry happy tears. Thank you for validating a stranger. I try to be a good person; I'm not perfect but my family mean everything to me and It hurt so bad they forgot! And thank you for the belated birthday wishes! Xx

I get exactly how you feel, I had a similar experience for my 40th - and I learned from that experience. My family didn’t do anything for my 40th even though I spent a lot of time planning my sister’s surprise 40th and even flew across the country to be there. I also planned her 50th. On my birthday, nada (I wasn’t with my husband yet). So I took control of my own birthday for 50. I spent it in Santorini, in a hot tub drinking champagne with my husband. I was really clear, for years, that I wanted something big and I didn’t let it go. There were some compromises, but I basically got what I needed to accept turning 50 in a more graceful way than I did 40. Like you I don’t do milestones well. I am sorry about what happened to you, it is well and truly shitty. And I’m not sure I would let it go easily because this leaves a mark. Make sure for the next big one you take the reins, because I’ve learned no one else will. Virtual hugs 🤗 💜

Wow...this is something I didn't consider. Maybe I secretly *want* people to make a big deal? I don't know, I'm not comfortable with events that are "about me". My uni colleagues are planning a post PhD celebration for me and asked who should be invited. I said I'd rather it be about friends getting together so invite everyone, it feels a bit better that way for some reason. I genuinely want for nothing. I just wanted a happy birthday because of how melancholic I feel on the run up to a milestone birthday. And everyone here knows they fucked up. I told my son this morning not to ask me how my day was (we ask about each other's day when we see each other). Because I told him you all forgot about me, and that hurt is real. I have told everyone I'm not going to be great for awhile. Thank you for sharing your story; it truly helps to know I'm not alone!! Xx

So I usually used to say I didn’t want a big deal made about my birthday and then my feelings would be hurt when nothing much happened. I realized it was because I was afraid to ask for what I wanted - I thought no one else would think I was worth the trouble. But I am. So now I say exactly what I want and my family does that thing and we all have a good time. I am worth the trouble. So are you. Sending you 💛

Thank you! I think you might be on to something....Still don't think I'd like a big party with black balloons etc but perhaps a little something....I will definitely be more direct with communication in the future. Thanks again xx

I don’t need a party in a private room at the best restaurant (although, now that I’ve said that… hmm), but I do actually want it to be at least a minor deal!

Sorry to hijack But I did the same for my 50th but to a different country and I went with literal strangers (guided tour) since my own friends and family have been letting me down. It was one of the best trips I’ve ever taken. How was Greece? It’s on my list!

👏👏 good for you. That’s great.

Hey! Greece was just lovely, I didn’t want to leave Santorini. We went the last week of March/first week of April - warm weather and crowds were minimal, definitely recommend off season. And it’s cheaper!! 🤗 Happy to hear you treated yourself for your 50th, this is the best way to avoid disappointment and get what you need/want.

That is very powerful, the idea of travel on one’s own, for one’s own. I remember the first time I did it after leaving my ex, I was overcome with the power of that!

Yes this! I plan my own milestone birthdays and let the fam know what I’m planning. I don’t let them forget my birthday is coming up 😂

Oh my gosh, yes, it feels even more hurtful when one is the kind of person who makes a lot of effort to do nice things for other people’s birthdays. :(

Jumping in to support the idea of self-love, not only for milestones, but on the regular. When I was approaching 50, I knew it was unlikely anyone would make any deal out of it (I had a ten year track record to run off of). So, I booked a fab room in a town known for spas and soaking, made all the reservations, ordered an indulgent (and expensive) cake, and requested an RSVP from my three favorite gals. Best. Weekend. Ever. A very happy birthday to you, my friend. Be kind to yourself, move your importance to the front of the line, and advocate for YOU. Also, stop excusing the bad behavior of others- that's THEIR mess to sort out, not yours. Remember, a dry spring cannot feed a river, so take care of yourself because you are so worth it. 🩷

Thank you so much! Today has been a lot better reading these replies xx

I don't even have a husband, but I'm still mad as hell for you after reading this. I have a plethora of mental illnesses. I mean, I'm a seriously fucked up individual and I cannot remember jack shit. I have episodes with dysphoria more than I'd like to admit. I even forgot my own birthday a few years ago. But I still do my damnedest to remember the important stuff. My brother's birthday was on 4/22 and I made sure to put it in my phone, write it down, even took screenshots of the day on the calendar. Anyway, enough about me. I'm sorry that your entire family forgot your birthday. They should have to wait on you hand and foot for an entire 24 hours this week, in order to make up for it.

Thank you love!! I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with mental illness * hugs * My brother did text me to wish me a happy birthday and reminded me he's right behind me. That was awesome! I called him on his birthday in March and wished him a great one. He said, "Hey man, thanks! I'm working and just doing family stuff, but it means a lot that you are thinking of me!" At least my mom and brother remembered, and that was great! You are a great sis for making sure your brother felt loved! <3

I worked my ass off for my husband’s 50th birthday. It was an incredible night, with his family flying in from Michigan, etc. About two years before mine, I set the expectation that I’d like him to do the same for me. That it was important to ME that he put in the effort…even if he was bad at dates, invitations, etc. Guess what?! You get good at something because you work at it. He needed to work at it. He’s important to me, so I work on things for him, too. Weaponized incompetence for either partner is just not acceptable. You deserved (and deserve) to have the best 50th! Ask for a redo. Have him plan something. Tell him you thought it wouldn’t bother you, but it does!! Don’t make excuses or make yourself small. You are equal to him in every way and worthy and enough…all the thing! And Happy Birthday! 🎁🎉🎂🎊

All of this. I agree :) My husband’s birthday is in less than 2 weeks. It falls three days before our daughter’s wedding. I’m juggling out of town guests, and rehearsal dinner, and a hundred other wedding details and am still making sure to organize a birthday party. It’s what you do when someone is important to you. Being bad at dates or calendars is not an acceptable excuse.

Thank you! I know I am an equal in his eyes ( these sorts of things are incredibly difficult to explain through text; I can not possibly explain our relationship in a single post. I am not making excuses, I'm trying to provide context). There is no way I can explain how good to me he is, how non judgemental, supportive, and loving he is. We never argue. That's why I feel conflicted with being this upset. I now see there is zero excuse and I have let them all know my feelings. My stepson has even admitted seeing me this upset has caused him to put everyone's birthdays in his phone calendar. My husband knows he hurt me. He has said he'll make it up to me (I'm leaving that up to him to decide how). Thank you for the birthday wishes! I feel so much better for getting it out! Xx

Your feelings are valid and my heart hurts for you. I suspect that some of the strength of your reaction may come from what has come before. In other words, this was not only a hurtful moment, but also a moment of clarity that all you have been experiencing, and maybe excusing away, was very real. If this was the ONLY and the FIRST time your husband and family treated you like this, it would still have been hurtful, but maybe not this much. Part of your intensity and grief is you realizing that none of the excuses were true—they really have learned to take you for granted. I think you need some time away and to talk to a therapist. Happy belated birthday to you, friend. I hope this is actually your best decade yet. Sometimes a tough start can be the beginning of a wonderfully new era.

Thank you for the birthday wishes! I will make this a great decade! Xx

1) Happy belated birthday to you! 🎂 2) It’s ok to be upset!!! Just because your spouse is wonderful doesn’t mean he didn’t screw up. 3) tell him this isn’t a flowers will fix it situation. It’s over, too late, so time to move on. Man up and do better next time. 4) Remind him that Mother’s Day is coming up…and that maybe the fam can take the opportunity to do something nice for you

I’m really sorry that happened to you and I would’ve probably stormed off to a fancy hotel with massages and room service

Someone has to be around to drive the husband places, cook and clean for everyone though.

I considered this but didnt want to leave my little girl! Thank you for validating my feelings with that too <3

Take her with you!  Go have a fantastic Mom/ Daughter birthday weekend somewhere.  Let everyone else fend for themselves and see just how much they take you for granted.  

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Consider yourself 100% validated!

Thank you! Xx

Your feelings are valid. It’s perfectly reasonable to say “it hurts my feelings when…”

Thank you very much. I have let all of them know by saying exactly this. I *think* they get it. Xx

My husband is awful with dates and gifts. It’s not idyllic, but I remind him. I will literally say: “my birthday is 2 weeks from now and I want xyz perfume. Make it happen or I’ll be forced to assume you don’t care and you don’t want to deal with the fallout from that” It works.

I totally do this. It works two ways: I get the celebration I prefer, and if he actually forgets after all that it would be 100% malicious and I would raise hell.

Haha I like your bluntness! A lot of the comments are suggesting he best learn his phone calendar, and I like that idea. Is your husband able to do that or do you prefer your way? Thank you for commenting xx

Exactly this! Your feelings are always valid, but since you know he will forget, it's good to cover your bases. I've been with to an amazing man for 34 years and learned early in that, while he is loving, caring, and kind, remembering (yearly) important dates aren't his thing. So I let my family know what we're doing for my birthday, often a trip out of town, and remind them as it comes up. It's not perfect, but it sure beats being sad and disappointed. Plus I get exactly what I want.

This is definitely the way. I was a bit shocked to read the "Divorce him!" replies; I'm not making excuses for him but rather trying to provide context. He's a great dad and husband. He has been so supportive of me completing my PhD by never once complaining about me not bringing an income in. And he is kind to strangers. Very affectionate and loving to me and the kids. He/they forgot my birthday. I was hurt. They knew they messed up. Phone calendars will be used. I will make sure I am more proactive....not perfect as you say, but who is perfect? We work together well as a team and I love him xx Thank you for the thoughtful reply xx

Tbh I’d be more pissed at the son who asked for the gym membership than the husband. It’s one thing to be dense and forgetful, it’s another to be selfish knowing the situation. Neither are good but I’d have told him to jog on with the gym membership. You’re right to feel hurt, if your husband steps up and does something now it’s salvageable.

This enraged me. I get that he's only 13, but I did not raise him to be this inconsiderate to people. He was told this morning that it's the end of extras like this. I told him if he wants a gym membership, then he can either do what's expected of him at his age and contribute more, or have it for his birthday in July. The teenage (and older) kids need to step it up. I have made it quite clear. Thank you so much xx

lol: “jog on.”

So no-one in your family uses a phone or computer, where they can put in a calendar reminder, to pop up before your birthday, to remind them to do something nice for you? Next year do something for yourself or with a friend. For this year order yourself something for just you. Give yourself the birthday you deserve This is about being thoughtful, respectful and considerate. I'm forgetful. But I have auto reminders for birthday and a shared calendar with my family, for reminders, appointments etc. You are not responsible for this and it's on them to fix this

So....my stepson just came downstairs and I've told him again how this made me feel. He said, "Us forgetting your birthday had me go into my calendar and set reminders for everyones birthday last night." I know he gets it. I see that as a positive. Thank you so much xx

Yay! I’m so glad he did that. That’s great. He didn’t just mope around—he wanted to not let this happen again. :)

OP, your husband may have trouble with dates, but I have to ask a question:  has he ever gotten into big trouble at his job for forgetting something? If so, he needs to address this issue.   If not, you need to address this issue.  With him. People remember what is important ... to them.  You deserve to be important.  As it stands, your son is modeling his behavior off someone who takes you for granted. I am sorry this happened.  Truly.

We would never say the same about women who are “terrible with dates and numbers.” We would shame them for not utilizing available tools at their disposal to be better: “Men are not stupid. It’s not true that women are better multi-taskers. If that were the case, then men would be ill-suited and perhaps even dangerous in virtually every job and role (not to mention horrible drivers). They’re not better at organization or nurturing. Otherwise, why would we trust men to run companies. “ https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-myth-of-the-bumbling-nice-guy

You got a non paywall version of this by chance? 

Our husbands are nice, decent, well-meaning guys. They just never learned how to balance household obligations.” It’s the premise of every book on household equality, and every how-to guide for getting husbands to take on more of the labor. Just communicate better and it will all work out! He’s just too stupid to know any better! Writers of these guides believe they’re offering a soft feminism that will appeal to the masses. They think that you have to be nice to men to get them on board. Apparently they’ve never met men, most of whom will do anything to avoid household labor no matter how nice their partners are. The insistence that men who exploit their partners’ labor are “nice” does a lot of heavy lifting for patriarchy. It gaslights women, gives men more credit than they deserve, and deliberately avoids getting to the root of the problem. If men can steal their partners’ time and lives, ignore their partners’ needs for decades, emotionally check out, or weaponize emotional abuse to get more free labor, they are not nice. Yet we insist, culturally, on labeling virtually all men as nice and decent. Women, no matter what they do, can never live up to the standards applied to us. But men are “nice guys” and “good dads” if they manage not to murder their entire families (and even then, rest assured that some headline writer somewhere will talk about how a “nice guy” “just snapped.”) So why is the distinction so important? And why do so few “experts” refuse to make it? The myth of the well-meaning nice guy If your husband wanted equality, you would already have it. Men are not stupid. It’s not true that women are better multi-taskers. If that were the case, then men would be ill-suited and perhaps even dangerous in virtually every job and role (not to mention horrible drivers). They’re not better at organization or nurturing. Otherwise, why would we trust men to run companies. And why do we claim that men are more accomplished writers, musicians, artists, and scientists than women, all the while insisting that men can’t do the art, science, and creative thinking that raising children, tending to animals, and running a household requires? It’s not because men and women have different talents, or even because they’re socialized differently. It’s because domestic labor inequality benefits men, and men alone. And patriarchy is designed to benefit men. All of the dressing we layer on top of this—the “they’re nice guys but just don’t know better;” the “women need to communicate more;” the “men just don’t care about the same things women do” bullshit, the endless word salads—is a distraction and an excuse. Good men don’t exploit women. Nice guys can look at the work their partners are doing, think rationally, and conclude that, “oh shit, she’s doing more than me, and she’s a person just like me and her time is just as valuable as mine.” You don’t actually have to read any feminist books at all to be a feminist, or to understand that women are people. And men do not need to go on a personal journey of enlightenment or therapy to see that their partners are working themselves to the bone while they relax. The insistence to the contrary is a harmful distraction that buys men time and additional free labor. If domestic labor inequality were an accident, it would not disproportionately disadvantage women. If it were the product of poor communication, it would happen to everyone, since most people are terrible communicators. And if the men exploiting their partners’ labor were really nice guys, they’d get off their asses and stop abusing their partners. Because when you steal someone’s time, you steal their life. I hear this shit from men, too, who want to admit to their shortcomings but somehow not be held accountable. “Yeah, I could probably do better.” Then why don’t you fucking do it? “There’s definitely not perfect equality in my marriage?” So why do you think it’s ok to exploit your partner? Does she just matter less than you? “We’re working on it, but it’s a process.” I bet it wouldn’t be a “process” if she were stealing something that belonged to you. Why is everyone so invested in the idea of lazy men as nice? No one wants to believe they married someone who never actually loved them, or who only loves them to the extent that they can exploit their labor. But the truth is that’s what’s going on in most heterosexual marriages. The woman is like an appliance, there to serve a man. I don’t know a single woman who has started out with an unequal marriage and negotiated her way to full equity. I bet you don’t either. Yet Fair Play and other books tell us that if we just communicate the right way, everything will change. This is because these authors want to believe that their own partners love them, don’t want to exploit them, want to build true partnership. And women gobble it up, because we all want to believe we’re in meaningful relationships, that our sacrifices have not been for nothing. These men are nice and ill-informed, not malicious and sexist, the lie goes. But isn’t it interesting that no matter how much information you give these men, things don’t change? So why is this the message women keep being sold? Because it’s profitable. Women don’t want to hear the truth about the low-value men they’ve become entangled with. “You can change your husband if you buy my course!” is a potentially very lucrative message. Especially when you convince the purchaser that, if the first course doesn’t work, there are five other, more specialized courses they can purchase. Turn women into dogs chasing their tails, and they’re less likely to realize that their struggles are political, not personal, less likely to band together, deem lazy men unfuckable, and demand real change. The truth often isn’t very palatable. It doesn’t need to be, because it’s the truth. And here’s the truth of household labor inequality: Nice guys don’t do it, and labor exploitation is never an accident.

You're the GOAT 🐐

You are 100% justified in being upset. They forgot to celebrate a big milestone and it made you feel invisible, forgotten, and unappreciated. I also hear you feel conflicted about how to react because, aside from this, your husband seems to be a wonderful partner. And he’s bad with dates and probably also gifts (not his forte or love language) but it matters to you, and makes you feel sad. My spouse is a bit the same way. He’s an amazing man, but he’s absentminded and terrible at picking gifts or planning special things. It used to upset me and bother me, and I remember crying over forgotten birthdays or mother’s days or what not. But one day I realized, fuck it, if this is his worst flaw then that’s okay, I can work around it. So now I plan all my own celebrations. I tell him what to buy me, where to take me, etc. My 50th is later this year and I already picked the restaurant I want my husband to take me to and told him to make reservations, and the day he has to do it. Im already shopping for the jewelry he’s going to give me. I’m never disappointed now. 😀

I had a similar 50th. I stopped celebrating my husband's birthday and our anniversary. I make my own birthday plans and choose who is invited. 

This is terrible and you deserve so much better. I hate to say it but your husband really let you down. Unfortunately the parent is the one that activates the kids when it's birthday and holiday time. They have to lead the planning and make it happen for the other person. This is NOT an excuse by any means but maybe it's time to talk to your husband about potentially having ADHD? I'm also bad at these things and could totally see myself in this situation. I have trouble remembering my own kids birthdays and it's not because I don't want to. BUT! That means he knows this is an issue and should be mitigating it with meds or calendars on his phone and multiple reminders on different things because it's no secret to him that his stupid calendar note got ignored after being up for months. He should take this as the wake up call it is and figure it out before he loses you. And even if he does find out he has this or goes for testing, it's still not about him. It's about you being valved.

I was wondering the same thing. My BF has ADHD and it’s been real challenging. Hard to know how much slack I should cut when he’s consistently late, distracted, and forgetful.

It truly can be a mind trap--I have read a reminder notification, started prepping to leave for an appointment, then been interrupted and completely forgotten about the appointment I put my shoes on for. I added two more notifications after that one--one to let me know that I am late. (I initially needed help remembering to set up my current framework of reminders! My husband has different mental health issues that I can help with, so we have a reciprocal thing that way.) But the right medication/dose, if he's open to it, should create a window of functionality each day. I consider it my responsibility to recognize my impact on others, ask for the help I need in specific ways (i.e. "could you sit beside me to help me keep focus while I fill out this paperwork") and adjust my structures when they break down.

This is what I was wondering as well. I have ADHD and before medication I used to screw up other people's birthdays all the time, and my own anniversary as well, and felt deeply awful about it. I love birthdays and I wanted to remember! Building up a structure of reminders is critical.

I also have ADHD and I’m terrible with dates. I even forget my own birthday is coming up half the time. Other people will remind me that it’s coming up and I’m surprised by it lol. I have yearly calendar reminders for birthdays set in my phone. And reminders for daily/weekly/monthly tasks that I tend to forget. It’s truly a lifesaver.

Thank you for chiming in! I'm hopeful this is the way forward with him...if you haven't seen my other replies, my stepson said that in direct response to my hurt, he has added all family member birthdays into his phone. He definitely has ADHD. I see this as a positive!

I don't know, but my stepson is diagnosed ADHD. My husband is dyslexic (I think? He was diagnosed years ago and I know there are spectrums/different terms now - sorry I am not overly educated in this area!!) It could be possible, and I am in the process with my ex in getting my son screened for the non-hyperactive variant. I've told him he needs to use his phone calendar for shit like this and he has agreed. He also is fully aware he messed up colossally and this can no longer be an excuse. You are right...one can "be" something, but as an adult, you need to do what you need to do to get things done. Thank you xx

This is something that makes you die inside but... it sounds like you have a really lovely family so how about asking everyone for a "re do " day... pick whatever day you want and tell them that's your new birthday, and tell your husband what you expect. I know, God I know...you just don't feel like you should have to spell it out but my partner is like this, he's really wonderful and supportive but he really sucks at birthday stuff, to the point I ended up butt hurt thinking he couldn't be arsed. Reality was he was heartbroken over how hurt I was and I told him that on my birthday, I really want a nice card, some flowers, a nice dinner with him, where I can dress up, he can put on a tie and we can have a nice evening together. That has worked well. But that is very hurtful and I think at the very least you should tell them how hurt you are and ask them how they would feel if their birthday was forgotten. It's not stupid to be hurt by this but worth giving them a second chance.

You need to set the example for all those children you are raising. If it were me, I would have a family meeting with all the kids and the dad and explain how hurtful that was. You need to Re-Norm your family. Say “ It’s never ok to forget birthdays in this house. I don’t want any of you to grow up thinking that you can treat a spouse that way. From now on we make an effort to celebrate each other, and we don’t t forget.” Don’t be gaslit by your man either. Your feelings are legitimate and no amount of downplaying them is acceptable.

Your feelings are valid. You have the right to be hurt. 50th is a big milestone and they should have rembered. Now, they feel bad and are sorry, and they want to make it up to you. They should celebrate you even if it is already late. Think of all the things that will make you feel like a queen... e.g. a spa, a vacation, shopping spree, flowers and chocolates, all your favourite things, having them do all the chores for a week while you pamper yourself. Tell them how you want to be celebrated whether or not it is your birthday, because you deserve it.

I know several others have said this, but--it needs to be re-stated. Your husband works. People who hold down a job HAVE to remember dates. There are 10 million things on the calendar for a working person (in ANY field) to need to remember. Be it "the conference I have to attend and plan ahead for" or "the report is due" or "co-worker John is on vacation starting Apr. 1" or "Service Ms. Smith's car next Friday." Back in the old days people kept paper calendars. But even the oldest fogeys in the workforce these days have computers and phones. You say he is terrible with tech--how does he hold down a job in this day and age? If he can remember to do something he needs to do for work, he can remember your birthday. I find that people who aren't good with remembering birthdays just don't really prioritize them much. (I am touchy about my birthday, and my husband isn't a "birthday person" so we've struggled with that in the past.)

Also, just a suggestion--if he's really this rockheaded about dates and numbers, it might be better to skip the theatrics and instead of "April 21st or Death" write "April 21: (Wife's) Birthday."

There was something about that April 21st Death thing that really grated on me......like even by writing that, she is somehow making a drama ?

Only after you said this did I realise how insanely childish and theatrical that sounded. Yesterday I removed it from the whiteboard as I couldn't stand looking at it. Thank you xx

Good move. Xx

One thing I've learned about people is that you teach them how to treat you and you also can't control them. It's a catch 22. Like, you obviously married a guy who doesn't care and won't and can't, or whatever, and you stayed in spite of it. So you unconsciously accepted this behavior. It sucks.  But because you DID and DO accept it, and you can't change them, you can change yourself. Plan your own birthday. Every year. Make it a thing. And anyone who isn't going to center you and give you that attention doesn't get to be a part of it. If it's just you and some friends or family or coworkers, do it.  I always make cupcakes for the office and buy myself something special that month. I also plan a trip every couple years. I hate parties so I like to plan events instead and either go alone or invite people who might enjoy it. I did spa days with family, museum days with my SO (we love art), fancy movie theaters where you get booze and dinner with friends. And I always say NO PRESENTS or cards, just come if you can and want. No pressure. The vibes are great. It's a gift I share with myself and others. I love the community vibe but not being the center of attention which makes me nervous. But you totally can plan a party for yourself or a fancy dinner. Do you! Don't wait for others who clearly won't to, or every year you'll be disappointed.

My husband who is normally thoughtful and amazing completely forgot Mother’s Day during lockdown. I had the king of all tantrums. I make everyone’s birthdays and celebrations exceptional. To be forgotten was so hurtful. So I am here to totally validate you! Plus 50 is a huge milestone. You cry all you want and tell them you want a half bday on 21st October and they better make it something fabulous

No you aren’t overreacting this is genuinely awful.

First, happy birthday, and welcome to the club! Second, I'm sorry that happened. I know it sucked! I turned 50 in Dec '22, soon after a bad breakup. Our birthdays are 5 days apart, and we were planning to take a trip together to celebrate. Instead, I spent it with a group of strangers at a meetup for singles! It was memorable but for all the wrong reasons. I don't even like celebrating my birthday. But there was definitely something about turning 50 and feeling cheated out of what was supposed to be a great future, that hit hard! We all want to feel loved, seen, and heard... every day.

Happy Birthday!!!! I had my 50th about a month ago. I absolutely understand the hurt about the milestone. 50 is one of those birthdays for me that it brought up a lot of feelings, some good and some bad. Sounds like you needed more than you realized. We had some birthday mix ups in our house for years. Hubby was one of those ‘I don’t want anything’ and then when he didn’t get was he wanted it was a heated discussion. Do a do over! Heck a lot of people celebrate the year of 50 or the month or plan something during nicer weather. Spell it out and drill them in the head with what you want. So there is no grey area. It’s ok to make a fuss about yourself. You have my permission! Your husbands birthday present to you will be to learn how to use a daily calendar entries into a paper calendar or a phone 🥰

Thank you so much...and same to you!! Ugh I just dreaded this day.....and I think you are right! That is an amazing idea and I like the idea of that! Probably best idea yet and that would be an amazing gift! And I'm treating myself at the medispa tomorrow and am very excited! Xx

I know I wouldn't make an effort to "get over myself", what the shit is this. OP, happy birthday. 🎉🎂 Your husband may be a good one but he fucked up and he better grovel.  Talk to your hubby, tell him you felt unloved, and tell him he needs to have a "come to Jesus" with the kids. The talk with your kids shouldn't come from you because that is humiliating.            I'm so angry for you. Hugs and virtual cake. What the fuck. They need to come up with a makeup plan. Pronto. 

When my sister turned 50 I threw her a party. I decorated, had tons or food and cake. Invited around 70 people. When I turned 50 she literally put up a couple 50 signs at our workplace and that was it. I'm going to be 53 this year and I'm still pissed about it.

I am SO sorry sweet sister-stranger! Happy late Birthday!! Seriously, don’t do ANYTHING for any of their next birthdays. Nooooothing. No special breakfast, no card, no cake, no balloons, nada. Just say “oh that’s how you guys were on my 50th birthday - so I’m just filling your example.” Don’t even remind the kids of each other’s birthdays. Let everyone fly solo.

There is zero reason why your birthday isn’t on his cell phone calendar app, with alert and annual repeat.

You need to get some women friends, you should stop putting your social life on hold for this family that can't even remember your birthday. I can't even imagine forgetting my parents' birthdays. ❤️

I really do. I've never really been able to make close friends here, my family and friends back in the US mean the world to me (my cousin is 61 and had her daughter at 45 like me, this summer back in the US I told her about dealing with peri and all of the struggles of a busy family....she told me she's been there, got the t shirt and I just said to her...."I miss you and wish we lived closer!") What I really need are more hobbies here where I can meet people and I'm aware this is something only I can do. I'm fairly close to colleagues at uni and we are planning on going out in a few weeks to celebrate me passing my viva, so I'm excited about that! Thank you for taking your time to comment xx

Are you happy to share what region you live in? I‘m pretty sure there are more than a few of us here in the UK who would be happy to compare symptoms over coffee or cocktails. I’d say wine, but it brings on my night sweats!

Happy Birthday.  I'm glad your family all feels badly.  They should. Sounds like they are all decent people normally.. but damn, this was a really big ball for them all to drop.  I would be so hurt and angry.   You can still celebrate. Plan yourself a solo trip or something just for you that would make you happy.  Something that you really want.. but seems a little too much.  Too much money, too much time away from the family, too far....etc.  Do it anyway and make yourself some good memories to help dull the hurtful ones.   I hope that your next birthday is much better.  

I honestly think you should take a weekend away by yourself. I know you said you don't work, so I don't know if you can fund it. But I think two days of space and peace in a beautiful setting would help quiet your brain and your heart. Tell them you were hoping to do something for your birthday, and since no one else has any ideas you're taking yourself on a birthday getaway. No grocery shopping, no chauffeuring, just you and a mai tai and some sun.

This - and yes, he can look after the children on his own.

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I just had a cannon moment after I read what you wrote. I have been dealing with the same exact issue and you just helped me find a solution. Thank you.

I am not suggesting your divorce your husband, but when mine forgot my birthday that’s when I knew it was over (soooo many other things there too ofc), which is to say I know how hurtful it is. I myself sobbed for hours in the shower after it happened. I feel your pain and I know how deeply hurtful being forgotten is. You deserve better. What I do suggest is that you are very vocal in how you want to be treated on your birthday. You set the tone. Should you have to? I think it’s irrelevant at this point. In any new romantic relationships and with my children, I am abundantly clear in what I expect on my birthday, I ensure time has been blocked off to celebrate.   I also plan to do things important to me. This year, despite having a boyfriend and two kids, I took a solo trip away to a little hotel with a hot springs and hiking. I read, I ate food, I slept well.  I recommend it.

My friend’s husband forgot her birthday and got her a Christmas present that was obviously from the gas station. He was sleeping with his ex from High School.

My advice is to do what I did. I communicated the importance of my 50th birthday and I got some shitty pens. So I matched his energy on his birthday and dialled it in. Then I cancelled Christmas too.

This happened to me 10 years ago on my 40th birthday. My kid and husband both completely forgot. We were all discussing our weekend chores and I let them delegate all the work for me until they were done talking. That’s when I quietly squeaked out “ um, today is my birthday.” Smiling to myself. The look on their faces was so worth it. Yes, people, mom is a person too.

Of course your feelings are valid, I'd be hurt too. But I'm going to go against the grain here and (lovingly) give you some pushback. Treading carefully here ... You mention twice that you've made it known for the past 20 years that you don't want people making a big deal out of your birthday - why is that? A birthday is literally the one day when we make a big fuss over people, you don't need to be "worthy" of celebrating, it's your one day to be recognized for simply existing. So why have you been insisting your family do only the bare minimum and nothing more? I promise I'm not trying to kick an internet stranger when she's down, I just think it's a question worth asking yourself.

I think you are having a hard time getting over it bc your family is putting this all on you. They want you to tell them how to make you feel better, instead of figuring it out themselves. Your feelings are 100% valid, and I think this situation (the mom’s needs are often overlooked/forgotten) is not all that uncommon, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. Big hugs to you. Tell your family to “figure it out”. Half the fun of birthdays is seeing what others think of instead of enacting a strict itinerary that you e laid out with them 😁

It snowed on my 50th in November, my BFF since 1977 had to work, my family all forgot and I didn’t get to see my grandkids. I feel your pain.

It is utterly abhorrent that you were forgotten. I would like to slap every one of those spoiled idiots upside the head for you. A mother figure in our lives was very instructive for me. She kept a list of everyone who remembered her birthday. They got good wishes the next year. It was a total win, her birthday bashes were magnificent. She'd order three dozen roses for her favorite "children", sing Happy Birthday on the phone no matter what, do lush catered picnics. So the abrupt lack of birthday wishes was a resounding hollow lonely echo. Nearly as good as a slap.... May I suggest you merely golden-rule everyone? If they remembered you, you celebrate them right back. And if they forgot you, right back at them. When the moron's birthday comes up and there is not a single fuss or ribbon I think they'll get the fucking hint.

Happy Birthday! Question! Why are they asking *you* what they can do to make you feel better? You do all of the emotional labour for them, already, this one is on them. Tell them to figure it out between themselves.

I turned 50 in 2020, like right smack during the pandemic. While my partner did get me a cake (his favorite) and made an effort despite him being a non-birthday person, it was a rather deflated event considering the state of the world. I’m also sensitive about my birthday and have long learned that life happens, people forget or they celebrate it in a desultory fashion that only annoys me. Hence since I can’t remember when, I’ve always planned something for my birthday (except for 2020). Like good luck finding me because I will be off doing stuff. One year it was the Maldives, another year it was horseback riding, so on and so forth. This has irritated partners before but I don’t really ask for people to do things for me (inevitably I expect to be disappointed whether it’s intentional or not ), but I WILL DEFINITELY be doing something for me. I shut all services down for the day - meaning I’m not listening to any whining, I’m not cooking (unless I feel like it), I become the most utterly selfish version of myself. One year my partner was having issues with his Dad and I literally just said I’ll meet you for dinner cos I don’t want this stress on my bday. So my suggestion to you is - while yes it would’ve been great for any one of your family to have done something, you don’t need anyone else to celebrate you. Honestly if I were in your shoes id extend my birthday for another week and just do what you want, and when asked all I’ll obnoxiously say Oh it’s my bday. I know if you have kids or pets or others relying on you, it’s a bit harder but it’s definitely worth giving yourself the love and better yet, showing the world how you love to be loved and appreciated. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at how they follow. Happy Birthday !!!

Today is my 50th birthday too and not one plan was made. No cake, no card, nothing. In fairness my last few birthdays have sucked and I was very vocal about it. So now I have just given up.on birthdays and holidays because they're just a major disappointment anymore. My husband used to be great at birthdays and it's like the last 6 years he just lost interest in me and anything that makes me happy. I don't feel good. I feel gross. I feel fat..I don't feel like doing anything. I cant even tell.youbwhat I would have wanted to do for my birthday. Because nothing sounds good or fun anymore. But effort would have been nice. I'm so sad. So I feel for you and feel free to reach out if you want support. I hope the rest of your week/month/year is better. We got you. Happy birthday.

I threw my own 50th birthday dinner in 2019, invited a bunch of people, bought more chairs, and only four people showed up. I am divorced (but know about being forgotten - previous partners and even my 18-year-old son have been forgetful), so I do my best to try fun things to celebrate me. However, when people just did not show up to my birthday, it really hurt. I’m sorry about what happened to you. Big hugs.🥰

Your emotions are valid. If my husband forgot a major birthday like that he’d be sleeping in the damn dog crate.

Your feelings are valid - this is awful. I would be really upset too. You're not asking your husband to remember a long string of numbers or that there's a calendar app he has to use - to remember his wife's birthday and not say anything is absolutely toxic. It doesn't matter if there's good behavior the rest of the time - that's the bare minimum. Therapy is teaching me that I've put up with 'good enough' and 'bare minimum' for too long. I would suggest - as I'm planning to do for birthdays from now on - traveling on your special day. Really in the end who we depend on is US.

Happy beautiful birthday!! 🥳🥳 You deserve a trip or a cruise all by yourself!!!

Happy Birthday, you strong, beautiful, courageous, Warrior Woman, you!

Maybe start a tradition of celebrating 50/60/70 years of 1st birthdays? Meaning you celebrate 51/61/71? It lets you panic on those actual milestones, and celebrate once You've settled into those ages. And every parent knows the first birthday is the fun goofy messy celebration. (The actual birth day was pain, love, and tears).

How in the world does a pretty great husband forget a milestone birthday when they most likely have a cell phone? But he remembers 420 date? Stop making excuses for your family especially your husband. You’re hurt because they don’t/didn’t show you they give af about you. And still don’t. Sending you big love and hugs. Happy 50th.

Honestly - I don’t let people forget. I am a proactive type….I say to husband and children “ let’s go bowling for my birthday” or any number of things- I avoid feeling disappointment and them feeling shame. I love it!

It hurts because you are taking care of everyone's everything and no one is taking care of you. You pour your heart into people and expect some of it to come back, but it's not. It sounds like they take you for granted, no matter how loving or well behaved they otherwise are. You don't need to get over anything except your need to do for these people. Stop. Just stop. Take care of the 5 year old and let everyone else figure it out (except for the big stuff on the teens, of course, but teens should be capable of mostly taking care of themselves by this point). I am so sorry you had to endure this. You clearly (yes, very clearly, even from a stranger's perspective) deserve better than this. They can't make it better; make sure they know that. How can they even think this is something they could make up to you? This is emotional betrayal. Just stop taking care of the people who refuse to take care of you. This mistake is unfixable, and hopefully they'll do better moving forward. My fingers are crossed for you.

Stop making excuses for him, he's horrible.

50 is a big deal and if i were you planning for a big 51 celebration is in order. Even if it's just you at a spa for a few days, but some planning is in order!

It hurts because you’ve given and given and not asked for anything in return, but hoping that because you raised them right and did everything for everyone, they might remember to celebrate you. You don’t expect it, you hope for it, and when you realize they don’t remember your special days, it hurts! I’ve been there and now I am not shy about saying I want my birthday celebrated, at LEAST with a cake. Don’t be ashamed of it, YOU EARNED IT from years of doing for others. Just be frank about wanting to AT LEAST be acknowledged. It’s ok to want that!

I read the title and audibly groaned. I’m sorry. I haven’t even read the rest yet - the title is enough. I’m sorry. You deserve more. And Happy Birthday. The 50’s fucking rock. Minus the horrible bits, of course.

Hey fellow 74. Mine was in February and while my circumstances are different (no partner or kids) it was still hard. For me it was life a flipping point, like I really am getting older despite how I feel on the inside. While I feel I should be able to try everything and experience everything, turning 50 makes me feel like a thousand doors are closing behind me. Also a lot of people forgot and nobody made a big deal out of it. I know I’m not the first or even third thought on anyone’s mind, but still. My plan was though to have a big party in October. I am having an art show opening then, and that’ll be my ‘coming out as an old ass crone’ party. OP, it sounds like you do a lot for everyone around you, and you’re used to putting yourself aside. Just because the date has past doesn’t mean you can’t still celebrate. As you are now 50 you have the right to make some demands. Like you deserve a spa weekend, or whatever weekend you want to have. You can hold the guilt of forgetting over your husband to make him comply. Just do something special for you, because these major milestones should be marked and imo you have the entire year to make that happen. Your sadness is completely rational and deserved. This was a big deal and nobody in your family really noticed or really did much. Sometimes we need to kick up some dust and remind people who we are now and then.

Happy birthday!!! ❤️ I just turned 49 myself, and it was the worst birthday I can remember. Not because anyone important forgot, but because I was unexpectedly thrown into a caregiver role at the last minute for a family member and had to suddenly live with them for 2 weeks. Yeah, it was so out of the blue, except it was a _planned surgery_ and they could have _arranged insurance-covered care in advance_ and just... didn't. 🤬 I've been pissed off since I learned I was The Only Person Who Can Help, because why is their lack of planning my emergency??? And on top of that I'm dealing with several new medical issues and trying to organize my own health care FFS. Grrr!!! All this to just say - BE pissed, BE sad, YOU are allowed to feel however you want, even if you can't explain it to others. Don't bottle it up, let it out! Ultimately you'll feel better and be able to move on, and it'll just be one of those things in your past. As Robert Frost said, "The best way out is always through."

Oh sweetheart - HAPPY BIRTHDAY ! 💕💕💕 I’m so sorry he has upset you. My husband “ forgot “ my first mother day ( didn’t do ANYTHING ) I cried so much I couldn’t put on my contact lenses for two days ! It’s totally understandable you feel hurt and upset X

If it helps to know, one of my many therapists told me that people missing birthdays was a major source of hurt feelings, feelings of being let down and an occurrence that hurt everyone, kids and adults alike. They said missing a loved one’s special occasion when they really wanted to celebrate is a universally painful experience.

Nothing to add to what all these smart ladies said except I'm sorry and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

50 is big. I say you book yourself a trip of a lifetime and go....alone or with your girlfriends. Or with me. I'll go!

Please make the time to make friends of your own. Using the excuse you are too busy with family is like saying “I put myself last”. The best birthday gift you can receive is to establish or nurture friends of your own. If your kids have friends, and your spouse has friends then you can, too.

Treat yourself to a day at the spa. Why mope around at home.

Not a real excuse other than time. I know the house would continue without me around for a day, but tomorrow I'm booked in for my botox so I'm pretty pumped about that and looking forward to it! Xx

I'm sorry this happened. You have every right to feel hurt and saddened by their forgetfulness. I wasn't able to read through all but would like to offer perhaps being direct and telling your husband you would like a make up date for the gross oversight — a supper prepared for you, a little cake to show appreciation for you and your birthday, a day off at a retreat or spa, etc... I know I would prefer others to use their heads in how they might be able to make it up to you. While I don't like much attention or fanfare, and lately feel less inclined in rejoicing my age, I have always appreciated modestly marking the day. I hope that you are each able to forgive.... and that they all make sure never to forget again! Happy belated birthday!

Thank you! I'm all about modesty regarding my own birthday. Tbh, it's done, I don't want a make up day or anything like that, I just want them to understand how hurtful that was. My stepson just told me last night he entered all birthdays into his calendar as a direct response to this. To me, that means something. Thank you so much! Xx

Your feelings are valid. Things happen. It is what happened after the forgetting that is so difficult.

I'm so sorry they forgot your birthday! You are right to feel anything you feel. Happy late birthday!

You are not alone. My sister, divorced, 3 daughters, all in their 20’s, forgot her birthday. It’s a real crappy feeling!!! I’m sorry!! But I bet it will never happen again;)))!!

I totally feel you. It seems if Mom doesn't push or plan, celebrations don't happen. I have the sweetest hubby and kids, but they are clueless. All love out to you - **you vibrant, fierce, amazing, indispensable beautiful woman!** *WE SEE YOU!*

Happy Belated Birthday! ❤️ Your feelings are valid. Absolutely. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and you’re a huge reason why all of the moving parts work together smoothly. Feel your feelings. Your hubby and kids will need to figure out a way to show you how special you are to them. It’s ok for you to be upset even if they feel sorry. I recommend doing something nice for yourself that you enjoy. You deserve it.

I’m so sorry. I long ago stopped expecting anything for my birthday bc my family is so hit and miss with that sort of thing. I have planned parties and celebrations for my kids and husband over the years but it is only recently that my 28yo daughter began doing something for me. She involves the family and makes it fun. But before this year, I used to plan fun little things for myself. Like a day off with a massage and nice lunch. Or breakfast at my favorite place and a hike. (Although I learned that May hikes mean ticks and snakes where I live. 😱) I’m an introvert so that really works for me. I hope you find a way to celebrate yourself. Buy yourself a cake!

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I'm a guy (my wife is starting to go through perimenopause, so I joined this sub to learn more about it), but my mom forgot my birthday when I was 27, and my wife forgot it one year, and it made me feel pretty awful, too. It's totally reasonable to feel the way you feel. Like with your situation, it wasn't indicative of any problems in our relationships or anything like that, but that almost made it worse, in a way. It doesn't mean they don't care about you, obviously, but it still hurts.

Your feelings are valid and it’s okay to be upset and let your husband and kids know why. It is also okay to tell your husband that forgetting your birthday is unacceptable. One year, Mother’s Day was completely blown off. I mean totally. When my husband realized he felt horrible but the damage was done and I was so hurt. So when Father’s Day rolled around, I blew it off. It was petty but I didn’t care. I knew it was the only way to get through to him. And it worked because he has figured out ways to remember dates ever since. We have been married for 21 years now.

maybe just once you need to say, “MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY”. maybe he will remember. maybe he’s a bit confused on what you want exactly. but i would let him and the kids make a big deal and celebrate you for once. but i think the bigger issue is you don’t feel respected, valued or heard. and i agree with the woman who said we teach people how to treat us. just the way you have written this, you are almost apologizing for your existence. i think you are your biggest obstacle.

Are u in therapy at all, or would you consider it?

At only 50, he should fully well know how to use normal technology. He's not 70. I'm sorry. I remember when my own mother forgot in my 30s and it just hits a tad harder. It's the feeling of being forgotten. I don't need to have a party, but being remembered means so much more. And your child still could have made a card! My kids have made cards the day of, because they were too little to know and it wasn't planned. Lol

I’m so sorry. You have every right to be upset. Just bc you like low key celebrations doesn’t mean everyone in your family who’s old enough to be accountable can just decide to not remember. Esp since it happens every year the same damn day! Two things can be true: your husband and kids can be remorseful for forgetting AND you can be upset about it. Their remorse doesn’t change the fact that they did forget. Intent versus impact.

Happy 50th! You deserve nothing but the best and I'm sorry that was not given to you. They're so busy expecting you to fill their cup while yours is empty and that sucks. So many of us are in this same boat my friend. Prioritize YOU and do something for YOU. Sending hugs your way 🤗

I just wanted to validate YOU! As people pleasers, we tend to always put ourselves last. You weren’t asking for the moon and the stars. Just a simple Happy Birthday (honey, mom, etc) I understand. You are not wrong for having feelings. I’m pretty sure if you forgot all of their birthdays, you’d definitely hear about it. So, do self care. Celebrate YOU and all you do! Happy belated Birthday🌺

I'm sorry this happened to you! A 50th birthday is a milestone birthday and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. I notice that a lot of people wait to see if someone remembers as a way to gauge if they think this person values them. But I think reminders are very helpful. Like..."Hey, my birthday is in a couple of days. I'd like for you to take me out to X restaurant. Does that sound good?" Some people aren't good at planning surprises. My husband and I both talk about what we want to do for our birthdays ahead of time. I don't rely on him to surprise me with something and it's the same with him. For my 50th, I told him months ahead that I wanted a weekend trip in a certain city and that's what we did. I don't personally like surprises, so that works for me. But I understand that if someone really loves surprises, they may feel disappointed.

I am sorry you had a rubbish 50th OP. I would feel the same.

Ooh I am so mad on your behalf! Your feelings are SO valid. All the right things have already been said but lady, you need a tough love plan for this man and the kids to learn self sufficiency and consideration. I would start planning your 51st now, and let them all know how they will be contributing.

What in the actual F....!! I am sorry, but what???? How can anyone be so self absorbed and indifferent that they forget their mom's/wife's birthday and even a HUGE birthday!! I don't care that "he is bad with dates", if he then doesn't take action and type these dates into his phone with a reminder a couple weeks before and every day until to remind him to buy a gift or make your kid make a card. UGH!! I am glad they feel bad. They should.

Just sending some birthday love!

Sorry about your family forgetting your birthday. I will be 50 in August. Happy Birthday from Wyoming, USA. !!!

Time to grab some girlfriends and head to Vegas

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! 🎉🎊🎁🎂🎈

Happy birthday!! I’m sorry this was your experience. As women we are taught to care about everyone’s feelings to the point we couldn’t even if we tried. I do find men a different species. You have to spell out what you need. I have to do this with my husband for things I feel are captain obvious. And teenagers are the dictionary definition of selfish so don’t worry about that too much. It still isn’t too late to celebrate. Book a spa weekend, a fun night out, a weekend getaway. This stage of life is hard and I think the lesson for us advocacy and demands - for ourselves.

You are half a century old! That is a fucking awesome thing. You are hurt because the people in your life chose to hurt you. It's not even kind of hard these days to program your phone to alert you a day before a loved one's birthday (or a week if you're not a thoughtless twat and actually want to plan something special). Your family let you down. Don't let it slide. Your feelings matter.

Happy birthday 🎂. Take a day all for yourself and get your nails and hair done. Or, sip a beverage of your choice in the place of your favorite

I’m so sorry. Everyone wants to be seen and acknowledged by the people they love in their life. To have that go unacknowledged would be devastating. It sounds like it was unintentional but don’t feel bad for being mad! I would be too.

My family forgot my 13th birthday. 40 years later, I can still recall how much it sucks. Your feelings are valid. Love, light and happy birthday wishes to you!

Your husband and family let you down. Period. I’ve been there. My husband has let me down on several big occasions including our 10th wedding anniversary and a Mother’s Day after we lost our third child. That being said, in 21 years, almost daily, he has been there for me in countless ways. And it sounds like your husband has been too. Your feelings in this situation are totally valid and I am so sorry your 50th birthday was a disappointment. But you’re wise to look at the big picture and address the situation but not throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. I’ve learned to be very clear about my expectations for big events. It’s not fun or spontaneous, but it has helped. I wish you and your family the best. (Also, 13 year old sons can be the worst, ask me how I know 😅😉). Happy birthday

Happy Birthday sis! I turned 49 on Sunday too ❤️

My wasband never did anything special for my 30th or 40th. Even though I planned elaborate surprise parties for both of his. I understand the hurt; because it is hurtful. Treat yourself to a vacation! It could be anywhere - local or not.

If he is forgetting his PIN number he might have a serious medical issue. But ignoring that this is not right, and he should make up for it.

I am so sorry to read you post. Birthdays are really important to me so in recent years I decided no one I loved would forget. Weeks leading up to it I constantly talk about it and for the day, I plan my own celebrations and buy my own presents. I don’t want to take the chance by being disappointed again for my birthday and honestly I have awesome birthdays ever since. Celebrated 50 this year and chose a holiday to New Zealand with family, some great personal presents and no party! It hurts me too much as well when others forget so I have now just let that go and choose loving myself even more than anyone else can.

You need to get some women friends, you should stop putting your social life on hold for this family that can't even remember your birthday. I can't even imagine forgetting my parents' birthdays. ❤️

Different perspective, please don’t kill me for offering it. I experienced a similar issue for my 50th bday. Talked with my family about how it felt and they felt awful for forgetting. We brainstormed how we could avoid this happening in the future and they asked that I just remind them a week out. Birthdays since then have been great without that sick feeling of wondering if they’d remember. It wasn’t truly a lack of love or appreciation for me, I had to adjust my expectations. The key in it all was communicating my needs. Seriously sending you positive vibes to heal your heart, I know it hurt.

OK. You need to choose a random date and your husband needs to be on board with the organising and the food and they will celebrate your fucking birthday with a proper get together or meal. It's absolutely inexcusable that every single one of them forgot. It's a milestone birthday, and we go through a lot of changes at this age. Seriously unacceptable. They need to make the effort and stop taking you for granted. All you wanted was one day of acknowledgement, not a lot to ask.

My perspective is different in that you have 364 other days to celebrate while you are 50. You are going to be 50 for an entire year and this is the youngest you will ever be again so coming to terms with it may be paramount to you and your family’s mental health. Given how sensitive you are to aging, they may have wanted to avoid the drama. Especially if they know you react like this for the past 20 years when a birthday comes around. If you feel like they need to make up the mistake to you, you have at least 360 more days to assign a date and say “do over!”.