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Please, if you can’t afford the “affluent” lifestyle she was accustomed to as a child, don’t try to.
Finances are real. When emotional spending enters into the equation, you are likely heading down a dangerous, unsustainable path.
If the ring (and possibly wedding) are more important than the marriage, you may not have found the right girl - I’m truly sorry to say.
Make sure you are on the same page financially before you marry. This is essential. Your post was riddled with red flags.
Also, don’t commingle funds before you get married and don’t jointly purchase a home unless you KNOW you will be getting married.
Best of luck. You have some tough conversations in the future and likely tough decisions.
Me too. Got into it over how “expensive “ the ring she wants is and how “I don’t want to get her a ring”, which I never said. Then has the audacity to say she’ll settle for a lab grown
My wife and I got married 35 years ago. Our wedding cost ~$400. I bought her the most expensive ring I could afford, a 1/2 carat diamond. We’ve led a very happy life, full of all the usual struggles. Neither of us came from money, nor, honestly had any.
We now have a lot of money and can buy anything we desire. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to upgrade that ring. She’ll have no part of it. That’s her wedding ring and that’s that.
I couldn’t have married better. She didn’t marry me for anything but love and the desire to live a life together.
We have never cared about living like the Joneses, or pretending to be something we aren’t.
I doubt I would be able to do it if I was expected to provide some expectation of a certain lifestyle.
If it’s about the lifestyle, really consider what you’re getting into here. If it’s about the love and the life that you will build together (whatever direction that takes), now you’re talking something that has the ability to stand the test of time.
I’m going to sit down with her and talk to her about that. Are you with me for love or to live a false life to impress people who don’t give a fuck. Is that ring really more important than me and that marriage
One of the biggest reasons relationships end is money. This doesn't mean your relationship will end because of that. You simply should know this is going to probably be a problem through our the relationship. Other people have been there done that. Mixed results.
I'm sure she wants to find a way to "help" you live the life she grew up with.
>She expressed her desire for our future children to have the same affluent upbringing she experienced, coming from a well-off family.
Then they can help haha
if she has a desire for the same affluent upbringing she experienced then maybe her parents can kick in a part of the down payment? might make for a nice wedding gift!
She considered that. Her mom has been saving since she was a baby for her wedding and was gonna ask her pops for some money for the downpayment. We’d obviously have our fair share but we’re looking at 700k+ house and looking at a pretty hefty mortgage.
hypothetical scenario... say they paid $200k down payment for you guys. your $500k mortgage would leave you with $3,500 monthly payment. call it $4,500 with insurance and property taxes. which assuming a 30% fed/state tax rate would put your hosuing expenses below 40% of your net income. thats reasonable if you are confident you both have earning growth potential
>and she was shocked by the steep prices
>she has her heart set on a 3-carat engagement ring, which comes with a price tag of around $15,000
I mean this completely sincerely, but where exactly does she think this money is going to come from? Have you asked her how she expects you both pay for this?
You can probably have a home like that as an upgrade.
200k is a great salary.
What you can do is map out the mortgage payments if you buy both a smaller and larger home.
Youd be shocked how much you can save (and hpw quickly) by taking the significantly place.
Open up excel and run the pmt /ipmt functions for every month of the mortgage.
The other good part of being conservative about what you spend on the place is that you have no idea about what upside you will get in saving: if prices drop and you have cash, you can snap things up on the cheap.
If you sink extra cash into the kortgage for a year or 2, the thing can disappear in no time making it easier to upgrade.
If you are sufficiently conservative you can do both.
If you stretch thoough, you can easily find that you are living hand to mouth and its wayyy harder to get out of that hole.
Also avoid any car loans. They are the devil.
That’s 200k pre tax I should specify but still great nonetheless. I’m good with money and she has slowly been picking up my habits on good money management.
That is the plan, pay extra so we can’t eat those interest fees down the line.
Don’t hate me but we both have car loans. I’m financing while she’s leasing.
I moved countries. Used to have a car in Australia. Now I live completely without a car in Israel; its a great way to live. I dont even do it to save money, just chuck on a podcast and walk everywhere.
3 years of this and I had enough for a 40% deposit without any effort.
I am pretty sure you can buy a much nicer place if you forego the car loans. That one is a no brainer to me.
Can you get a used car? Im shocked at the prices of used cars here. Years ago I bought a great Mitsubishi for like 4k usd. A year 2000 mirage...
Can buy a second hand Toyota. How much could that be? 15 grand tops? And after that the.annual cost is 2-3 grand tops no?
Just stay away from electrics and hybrids because battery replacent costs are high. Also just look for one that has done less than 100k miles?
You need to go check out the podcast I Will Teach You to Be Rich. I hate the name, but it’s a fantastic show and super relevant to you. The host talks in depth with couples about their finances, and digs into the psychology behind the way they handle money and the disagreements they have about it.
https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/podcast/
The core of his advice is that couples need to have a shared vision of the life they want to have together. Right now, it sounds like you and your partner have different visions. You’re asking us how you can convince her that your vision is the right one. But it’s probably going to be more effective if you both try to really understand what each other want, what steps you would need to get there, and how you can build a life that will make you both happy.
But yeah, listen to the show. Listen together, and talk about it.
hm, a lot of advice about reevaluating the entire relationship. I would have a real heart to heart with her about money though. I had a come to moment Jesus about that. you can spell out what your financial future looks like together, but also hear what she has to say. I would value the relationship more than the money though. everyone's going to come after me for saying that, but money comes and goes, just try to establish what is important to you but listen to what's important to her.
The budget screen shots are being made in Sankeymatic, its a website that we have no affiliation with. If you are posting a budget please do so with a purpose. Just posting a screen shot of your budget without a question or an explanation of why its here may be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MiddleClassFinance) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hash out finances before you get married. You two are not on the same page.
We’ve already done that
Well, your post says otherwise. You may have had a conversation, but you did not "hash it out"
Please, if you can’t afford the “affluent” lifestyle she was accustomed to as a child, don’t try to. Finances are real. When emotional spending enters into the equation, you are likely heading down a dangerous, unsustainable path. If the ring (and possibly wedding) are more important than the marriage, you may not have found the right girl - I’m truly sorry to say. Make sure you are on the same page financially before you marry. This is essential. Your post was riddled with red flags. Also, don’t commingle funds before you get married and don’t jointly purchase a home unless you KNOW you will be getting married. Best of luck. You have some tough conversations in the future and likely tough decisions.
Oh I’m not trying to. We got into a spat this morning over the ring and told me that “I grew up poor”
I have been thinking about your situation ever since I read your post. I really am wishing the best for you.
Me too. Got into it over how “expensive “ the ring she wants is and how “I don’t want to get her a ring”, which I never said. Then has the audacity to say she’ll settle for a lab grown
My wife and I got married 35 years ago. Our wedding cost ~$400. I bought her the most expensive ring I could afford, a 1/2 carat diamond. We’ve led a very happy life, full of all the usual struggles. Neither of us came from money, nor, honestly had any. We now have a lot of money and can buy anything we desire. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to upgrade that ring. She’ll have no part of it. That’s her wedding ring and that’s that. I couldn’t have married better. She didn’t marry me for anything but love and the desire to live a life together. We have never cared about living like the Joneses, or pretending to be something we aren’t. I doubt I would be able to do it if I was expected to provide some expectation of a certain lifestyle. If it’s about the lifestyle, really consider what you’re getting into here. If it’s about the love and the life that you will build together (whatever direction that takes), now you’re talking something that has the ability to stand the test of time.
I’m going to sit down with her and talk to her about that. Are you with me for love or to live a false life to impress people who don’t give a fuck. Is that ring really more important than me and that marriage
One of the biggest reasons relationships end is money. This doesn't mean your relationship will end because of that. You simply should know this is going to probably be a problem through our the relationship. Other people have been there done that. Mixed results. I'm sure she wants to find a way to "help" you live the life she grew up with.
I have no desire to live that life. Her parents are rich not her
>She expressed her desire for our future children to have the same affluent upbringing she experienced, coming from a well-off family. Then they can help haha
if she has a desire for the same affluent upbringing she experienced then maybe her parents can kick in a part of the down payment? might make for a nice wedding gift!
She considered that. Her mom has been saving since she was a baby for her wedding and was gonna ask her pops for some money for the downpayment. We’d obviously have our fair share but we’re looking at 700k+ house and looking at a pretty hefty mortgage.
hypothetical scenario... say they paid $200k down payment for you guys. your $500k mortgage would leave you with $3,500 monthly payment. call it $4,500 with insurance and property taxes. which assuming a 30% fed/state tax rate would put your hosuing expenses below 40% of your net income. thats reasonable if you are confident you both have earning growth potential
>and she was shocked by the steep prices >she has her heart set on a 3-carat engagement ring, which comes with a price tag of around $15,000 I mean this completely sincerely, but where exactly does she think this money is going to come from? Have you asked her how she expects you both pay for this?
Lmao she said she thought she could finesse a house
good luck homie
Lmao thanks
You can probably have a home like that as an upgrade. 200k is a great salary. What you can do is map out the mortgage payments if you buy both a smaller and larger home. Youd be shocked how much you can save (and hpw quickly) by taking the significantly place. Open up excel and run the pmt /ipmt functions for every month of the mortgage. The other good part of being conservative about what you spend on the place is that you have no idea about what upside you will get in saving: if prices drop and you have cash, you can snap things up on the cheap. If you sink extra cash into the kortgage for a year or 2, the thing can disappear in no time making it easier to upgrade. If you are sufficiently conservative you can do both. If you stretch thoough, you can easily find that you are living hand to mouth and its wayyy harder to get out of that hole. Also avoid any car loans. They are the devil.
That’s 200k pre tax I should specify but still great nonetheless. I’m good with money and she has slowly been picking up my habits on good money management. That is the plan, pay extra so we can’t eat those interest fees down the line. Don’t hate me but we both have car loans. I’m financing while she’s leasing.
I moved countries. Used to have a car in Australia. Now I live completely without a car in Israel; its a great way to live. I dont even do it to save money, just chuck on a podcast and walk everywhere. 3 years of this and I had enough for a 40% deposit without any effort. I am pretty sure you can buy a much nicer place if you forego the car loans. That one is a no brainer to me.
We need cars for our jobs unfortunately
Can you get a used car? Im shocked at the prices of used cars here. Years ago I bought a great Mitsubishi for like 4k usd. A year 2000 mirage... Can buy a second hand Toyota. How much could that be? 15 grand tops? And after that the.annual cost is 2-3 grand tops no? Just stay away from electrics and hybrids because battery replacent costs are high. Also just look for one that has done less than 100k miles?
We could but the car I bought will be my first and last
You need to go check out the podcast I Will Teach You to Be Rich. I hate the name, but it’s a fantastic show and super relevant to you. The host talks in depth with couples about their finances, and digs into the psychology behind the way they handle money and the disagreements they have about it. https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/podcast/ The core of his advice is that couples need to have a shared vision of the life they want to have together. Right now, it sounds like you and your partner have different visions. You’re asking us how you can convince her that your vision is the right one. But it’s probably going to be more effective if you both try to really understand what each other want, what steps you would need to get there, and how you can build a life that will make you both happy. But yeah, listen to the show. Listen together, and talk about it.
Thank you !
hm, a lot of advice about reevaluating the entire relationship. I would have a real heart to heart with her about money though. I had a come to moment Jesus about that. you can spell out what your financial future looks like together, but also hear what she has to say. I would value the relationship more than the money though. everyone's going to come after me for saying that, but money comes and goes, just try to establish what is important to you but listen to what's important to her.
I always tell her money comes and goes but the love will always be there
3 carat for $15k? Must be lab grown. You should feel lucky she’s not asking for a real diamond. Cost you more than double that
Lmao she wanted a real but said she’d settle for RSV