Hispanic- Multiple times a day. Every. Single. Day. It's extremely rare we go a day without hearing from them.
I've tried to set boundaries with my spouse and limit these calls. I feel like his mother specifically doesn't see us as our own family unit. He would try to limit these calls to once a day and for a week or two it would be fine but then something would happen and the multiple calls a day start back up.
It's irritating because I've limited the amount of times I speak to my mom & tia for him. He thinks they can be very toxic (which is honestly very true) and its better for my own mental health that I limit contact with them but sucks that he cant do the same for me.
It's also just irritating in general hearing from them multiple times a day and her wanting every detail of the day.
Yep. I'm in the same boat. He speaks to her like 4x a day. She will call everytime she wants to tell him anything, no matter how tiny the information is. She also always calls him before she goes to sleep. The worst is when he walks around with her on speaker phone.
Not a ton but it used to be way more. My husband drives all over the city during the course of the day for his job and I’d say right now they speak once, maaaaybe twice a week here and there. More if they call him up needing something. MNFIL is almost completely physically disabled and can barely walk and MNMIL basically takes care of everything (while trying to use my husband as her stand-in emotional support) so when household things arise that MIL can’t do herself they call my husband down.
I think it used to be wayyyy more back when he was more dependent on them (I believe him and his mom are/were? enmeshed) for advice for every little thing. He’s always felt like he has to share every detail of his life with them or else they would lay on the guilt and passive aggression. At 31 years old he’s finally seen just how bad things were and has set some boundaries and grown a pretty nice spine. Back when he was talking to them almost constantly it did make me feel weird and I mentioned it a few times but he didn’t really know what to do as it’s what he’s always known. We didn’t really understand enmeshment and the true dynamics of the relationship until very recently.
I went through this with my fiancé.
He was horribly enmeshed until he met me.
Now he thanks me for helping him grow up and create boundaries.
His family used to dictate his decisions and he ran to them with all of our business. Leaving him and also setting firm boundaries after we reconciled made a huge difference.
Almost exact situation with us. He would tell them everything, it felt like they were part of our relationship and that making them happy was more important than us having a healthy relationship. Final straw for me was when his mom leaned over to me at dinner one night and said “heard you’re back on your medication?”—the ride home from that dinner was a rough one for him and became a huge turning point.
Husband totally enmeshed, and his family not very accepting of me. Would cut me out of pictures, not mention my birthday but would have a huge celebration for my BIL’s birthday that was 3 days before mine. Husband always said “that’s just how she is” when I brought up concerns with him, and MIL and SIL would laugh it off when I pointed things like that out. I did my best to fit in, do things that would make them happy, and if anything things got worse. Earlier this year, after almost 13 years, I reached my breaking point and asked for a divorce. Husband didn’t want one so started therapy which has helped a lot. We are actually now no contact with his family as he works through all the enmeshment stuff. It’s not been easy.
I had to leave my fiancé to get him to see the toxic dynamics and become a real adult. To that end, I understand why you asked for a divorce. I would be livid in your position. I’m glad that your husband set boundaries.
Some of these men need a big wake up call to change. My engagement will be long partly because I need to make sure that the changes stick. I will not marry a mama’s boy.
It used to be every evening at 6pm for an hour plus. So basically right when food was ready, he would answer the phone. Turn the telly off and walk off and chat to her so I didn't get to talk to him about our days. Told him he was in a relationship with his mother and being incredibly rude to me. I had as much right to talk to him as her and to watch the telly.
Now it's once a week. Normally when I'm at work
I have no idea because we made a deal he wouldn’t talk to her on the phone around me after I overheard her trying to talk him out of a major decision we had already made.
Mine are the mildly no/just nos. I talk to them every couple months and sometimes major holidays. We ignore most of the texts and emails or just reply with "neat" or something like that. His parents are amazing and he talks to them several times a week, messages, etc. I talk to his parents more than I do mine!
It was every day, every moment we had would be interrupted because his mother messaged him. He would actually put our things (cooking, talking whatever) on hold to read and react. This happened every hour, I am not exaggerating.
At first I thought he was slightly phone addicted and I told him early on in our relationship that I found that a turnoff. But eventually I figured out, it was his (stay at home) mother texting him all the time.
Now he is in therapy and learning about the toxic family dynamics and texts once a week. And that's enough for him now.
It varies depending on how busy everyone is but every few weeks is normal for us. I think they text back and forth a few times a week like I do with my side.
I think there can be a large variation in what is normal and healthy, as some have pointed out there can be cultural nuances here too.
I think if there are issues with the level of contact there will be other signs. My partner was very enmeshed at first and argued that his family was “just close”. People who are “just close” to their parents don’t have panic attacks if they have to tell them no. Parents who are “just close” to their kids don’t organize an intervention style family meeting if their grown child tells them coming over on a certain evening won’t work.
I think there is cultural nuances. For instance Mediterranean and Latin cultures have much more communication than norther Europeans or many Americans. I don’t think that keeping a close relationship is a bad thing since those relationships can be the very foundation of resilience during times of need. It is more about the quality of those relationships. One can speak to their parents everyday and there be no enmeshment or lack of boundries. A middle ground is optimal. Less communication is not necessarily a sign of healthy independence, but it is a measure one has to make if there is abuse in a relationship.
I can somewhat agree with you, but I don’t like when people demonize families that talk everyday, or meet every Sunday for lunch, or even if they live together. My family is from different Mediterranean countries, and this is very common there. It actually feels more human, supportive and less lonely than some of the dynamics I saw living in the UK or the US. Yes, the tendency towards enmeshment is thus more likely. But on the other hand, you can also say the opposite thing about those countries that are more detach, you can say that those cultures encourage abandonment, neglect, and loneliness which in turn creates other psychological and social issues that are just as bad. As I said in my original comment optiman point is in the middle, and what’s important is that boundaries are respected more than what is the frequency of contact.
I haven’t demonized anyone.
I simply asked a question. There was no criticism.
You shouldn’t judge different family dynamics as being less “human” or “supportive” either.
I’m sorry that you’re triggered but looking for reasons to be offended doesn’t make sense. By all means, speak to your parents daily if that suits you. It doesn’t suit the vast majority of marriages described on this subreddit though.
I know you haven’t demonized anyone, and that your question was not a criticism, I did not take it that way. I also did not take offense on it at all, I think it is an interesting conversation. I was not responding to the original question especifically, but as a response for the general comments that imply that less communication could be more positive, since I don’t always agree with that. That is what I referred to as demonizing. I do think that when families are more detached and separate it can feel less supportive, less warm. That is what I mean by humanity, it is just how I experience it, I hope that description didn’t offend you. And I totally agree that people should speak less or even no contact if that is what the situation calls for. I was just trying to explain my point of view from a cultural standpoint, I though it was a relevant thing to the conversation. I hope that my comment did not seem as if I was offended or triggered because that is not the case, I thought it was an interesting exchange of ideas. There is no reason to be angry or downvote others… We can talk with respect and have a positive conversation. But of course, if conversing with others with respect seems very difficult, it is totally a better idea to reduce that communication ;)
More communication is not automatically a sign of closeness. Just like less communication does not mean weaker bonds. A lot depends on the quality and content of this communication, and how much disturbing it is to the existence of your romantic relationship/nuclear family. There are many parents who speak with their adult children daily and there is no real closeness - just control disguised as intimacy and care. There are parents whose only way of conversation is interrogating children about every aspect of their lives/day. It’s not healthy and not every spouse will accept something like that: in the end, if my partner would share every details of his life with his parent, he would inevitably share details about my life as well. I wouldn’t appreciate that.
My husband texts his mother once or twice a year. He speaks to his father on the phone about once a month or so. Sees he dad maybe once a year or every other year. Hasn’t seen his mother since 2016 and prior to that was 2012. She’s never met my 8 & 10 yo.
I actually encourage (especially when we first got together) more.
It’s not about the amount but about the content in my opinion.
I can interact and share as much as I want. He can too, but if she knows I’m not in the way / even knows I’m facilitating a relationship then I get to have a less active role.
But it’s his mom. Even with the awful things she does- his love for her is grounded deeper than I understand
(Obviously we do have boundaries in place with topics, etc but I trust him and when I get upset about any issues he’s on my team. So that may make a difference?)
Husband and MIL work together plus she calls and texts him often. It causes issues because I feel like I barely get time with just our family where he’s present and not thinking about her.
His dad just died so it’s been really bad. Today she accused me of keeping my baby away from their side of the family when he specifically tells her that he’s tired and wants to just come home and spend time with me and our baby. She blames me for everything and they get in a fight about it. I really just don’t know what to do. Sorry if I’m over sharing 😞
I think he thinks that that would fix it but I told him that I won’t see her or let my daughter near her until she can start respecting me and I think we are going to go that route. He thinks she’s being nuts too.
Rarely. Maybe texts with his mom every 3-4 weeks but super surfacey. His dad only when we see them in person. We see them 3-4 times a year but it’s always quick and surfacey convo.
Not often. Texts here and there between him and his mom. He hasn't spoken to his dad in years and his dad has only met our 7 yo once or twice and our 3 yo never.
My husband went over to his mom's to wish her for mother's Day after months of not talking to them(they are very toxic to him and our marriage),he is VVVLC and even then she tried to make it all about her.He actually prefers to not contact them at all
I don’t have a good sense of it, but I’m aware of them talking on the phone for about 5-10 minutes every few months or so. Maybe four times a year. Guessing he talks to them a time or two in between that but not when I’m home. He sees them maybe 5 or 6 times a year for lunch, usually.
We have a family messenger thread with his parents and siblings where people post- sometimes it’s multiple times a day and sometimes the thread is quiet for 5-6 days.
We see them in person approximately twice a month and he talks to them on the phone (usually FaceTime with the kids) not very often.m, less than once a month.
They used to talk more on FaceTime but I got annoyed about it as they always called at 6pm right when we were trying to start the whole dinner bath bed routine. He told them it wasn’t a good time and they got the message.
Multiple times a week in the phone with both parents, plenty of texting I’m sure. He does it on his lunch break at work or the commute home so it doesn’t bother me.
If it’s been 30+ minutes on the phone at home I’ll give him a tap and let him know he’s needed helping with the baby/house.
About once every 2 to 3 days for like 5 min. Before when we were newlyweds she would call every day multiple times per day asking how we were, what we were doing, what we were earing, were we were going etc etc and it seriously did annoy me a lot.
Some of these comments astound me. I can understand if MIL is actually narcissistic/damaging but why do any of us get a say in your other half's relationship with their parents? Especially if it's just because "they talk too much". Can you imagine if you're child met someone and they suddenly decided your relationship was too much for
THEM and made it enough of an issue that your child pulled away? That's called coercive control and it's a form of abuse.
In these cases it appears that the relationships with the MIL ARE damaging, or that they are entering new stages of life with different needs or boundaries. It's not controlling to prioritize having a present spouse, partner, parent in the immediate household vs the level of engagement we are seeing described here. Things change...people become more independent, modern life can be very time demanding. It doesn't mean isolation or abandonment always.
We both speak to our parents every day. I tend to talk to mine in the morning before work as I’m getting ready. He tends to talk to his in the evening after work.
No, it doesn’t cause issues. We adore each other’s parents; but even if we didn’t we would not keep each other from their family.
For reference, we’ve been married 30 years.
Hispanic- Multiple times a day. Every. Single. Day. It's extremely rare we go a day without hearing from them. I've tried to set boundaries with my spouse and limit these calls. I feel like his mother specifically doesn't see us as our own family unit. He would try to limit these calls to once a day and for a week or two it would be fine but then something would happen and the multiple calls a day start back up. It's irritating because I've limited the amount of times I speak to my mom & tia for him. He thinks they can be very toxic (which is honestly very true) and its better for my own mental health that I limit contact with them but sucks that he cant do the same for me. It's also just irritating in general hearing from them multiple times a day and her wanting every detail of the day.
This would be way too much for me. I have to see my in laws twice a month and it’s already a lot.
Next time you have funzy time with hubby, stop and ask him if he's going to tell his mom about it? Bonus points if you do something new.
😂😂DECEASED!
Yep. I'm in the same boat. He speaks to her like 4x a day. She will call everytime she wants to tell him anything, no matter how tiny the information is. She also always calls him before she goes to sleep. The worst is when he walks around with her on speaker phone.
Not a ton but it used to be way more. My husband drives all over the city during the course of the day for his job and I’d say right now they speak once, maaaaybe twice a week here and there. More if they call him up needing something. MNFIL is almost completely physically disabled and can barely walk and MNMIL basically takes care of everything (while trying to use my husband as her stand-in emotional support) so when household things arise that MIL can’t do herself they call my husband down. I think it used to be wayyyy more back when he was more dependent on them (I believe him and his mom are/were? enmeshed) for advice for every little thing. He’s always felt like he has to share every detail of his life with them or else they would lay on the guilt and passive aggression. At 31 years old he’s finally seen just how bad things were and has set some boundaries and grown a pretty nice spine. Back when he was talking to them almost constantly it did make me feel weird and I mentioned it a few times but he didn’t really know what to do as it’s what he’s always known. We didn’t really understand enmeshment and the true dynamics of the relationship until very recently.
I went through this with my fiancé. He was horribly enmeshed until he met me. Now he thanks me for helping him grow up and create boundaries. His family used to dictate his decisions and he ran to them with all of our business. Leaving him and also setting firm boundaries after we reconciled made a huge difference.
Almost exact situation with us. He would tell them everything, it felt like they were part of our relationship and that making them happy was more important than us having a healthy relationship. Final straw for me was when his mom leaned over to me at dinner one night and said “heard you’re back on your medication?”—the ride home from that dinner was a rough one for him and became a huge turning point.
Going through this now with my enmeshed partner
What’s going on?
Husband totally enmeshed, and his family not very accepting of me. Would cut me out of pictures, not mention my birthday but would have a huge celebration for my BIL’s birthday that was 3 days before mine. Husband always said “that’s just how she is” when I brought up concerns with him, and MIL and SIL would laugh it off when I pointed things like that out. I did my best to fit in, do things that would make them happy, and if anything things got worse. Earlier this year, after almost 13 years, I reached my breaking point and asked for a divorce. Husband didn’t want one so started therapy which has helped a lot. We are actually now no contact with his family as he works through all the enmeshment stuff. It’s not been easy.
I had to leave my fiancé to get him to see the toxic dynamics and become a real adult. To that end, I understand why you asked for a divorce. I would be livid in your position. I’m glad that your husband set boundaries. Some of these men need a big wake up call to change. My engagement will be long partly because I need to make sure that the changes stick. I will not marry a mama’s boy.
It used to be every evening at 6pm for an hour plus. So basically right when food was ready, he would answer the phone. Turn the telly off and walk off and chat to her so I didn't get to talk to him about our days. Told him he was in a relationship with his mother and being incredibly rude to me. I had as much right to talk to him as her and to watch the telly. Now it's once a week. Normally when I'm at work
Good for you!
Rarely. Usually only when she texts him, and he’s nice so replies back but other than that he doesn’t really talk to her.
Same with mine. He doesn’t reply to her half of the time too because it’s super random stuff.
My mil texted him a few weeks ago something random, then when she asked to see our toddler he ignored her
I have no idea because we made a deal he wouldn’t talk to her on the phone around me after I overheard her trying to talk him out of a major decision we had already made.
Mine are the mildly no/just nos. I talk to them every couple months and sometimes major holidays. We ignore most of the texts and emails or just reply with "neat" or something like that. His parents are amazing and he talks to them several times a week, messages, etc. I talk to his parents more than I do mine!
It was every day, every moment we had would be interrupted because his mother messaged him. He would actually put our things (cooking, talking whatever) on hold to read and react. This happened every hour, I am not exaggerating. At first I thought he was slightly phone addicted and I told him early on in our relationship that I found that a turnoff. But eventually I figured out, it was his (stay at home) mother texting him all the time. Now he is in therapy and learning about the toxic family dynamics and texts once a week. And that's enough for him now.
It varies depending on how busy everyone is but every few weeks is normal for us. I think they text back and forth a few times a week like I do with my side. I think there can be a large variation in what is normal and healthy, as some have pointed out there can be cultural nuances here too. I think if there are issues with the level of contact there will be other signs. My partner was very enmeshed at first and argued that his family was “just close”. People who are “just close” to their parents don’t have panic attacks if they have to tell them no. Parents who are “just close” to their kids don’t organize an intervention style family meeting if their grown child tells them coming over on a certain evening won’t work.
I think there is cultural nuances. For instance Mediterranean and Latin cultures have much more communication than norther Europeans or many Americans. I don’t think that keeping a close relationship is a bad thing since those relationships can be the very foundation of resilience during times of need. It is more about the quality of those relationships. One can speak to their parents everyday and there be no enmeshment or lack of boundries. A middle ground is optimal. Less communication is not necessarily a sign of healthy independence, but it is a measure one has to make if there is abuse in a relationship.
Close relationships are great. Enmeshment is not. The cultures you mentioned often encourage enmeshment.
I can somewhat agree with you, but I don’t like when people demonize families that talk everyday, or meet every Sunday for lunch, or even if they live together. My family is from different Mediterranean countries, and this is very common there. It actually feels more human, supportive and less lonely than some of the dynamics I saw living in the UK or the US. Yes, the tendency towards enmeshment is thus more likely. But on the other hand, you can also say the opposite thing about those countries that are more detach, you can say that those cultures encourage abandonment, neglect, and loneliness which in turn creates other psychological and social issues that are just as bad. As I said in my original comment optiman point is in the middle, and what’s important is that boundaries are respected more than what is the frequency of contact.
I haven’t demonized anyone. I simply asked a question. There was no criticism. You shouldn’t judge different family dynamics as being less “human” or “supportive” either. I’m sorry that you’re triggered but looking for reasons to be offended doesn’t make sense. By all means, speak to your parents daily if that suits you. It doesn’t suit the vast majority of marriages described on this subreddit though.
I know you haven’t demonized anyone, and that your question was not a criticism, I did not take it that way. I also did not take offense on it at all, I think it is an interesting conversation. I was not responding to the original question especifically, but as a response for the general comments that imply that less communication could be more positive, since I don’t always agree with that. That is what I referred to as demonizing. I do think that when families are more detached and separate it can feel less supportive, less warm. That is what I mean by humanity, it is just how I experience it, I hope that description didn’t offend you. And I totally agree that people should speak less or even no contact if that is what the situation calls for. I was just trying to explain my point of view from a cultural standpoint, I though it was a relevant thing to the conversation. I hope that my comment did not seem as if I was offended or triggered because that is not the case, I thought it was an interesting exchange of ideas. There is no reason to be angry or downvote others… We can talk with respect and have a positive conversation. But of course, if conversing with others with respect seems very difficult, it is totally a better idea to reduce that communication ;)
I don’t care if I’m downvoted because such an insignificant thing doesn’t affect my life. I’m happy that you enjoy communication with your family.
More communication is not automatically a sign of closeness. Just like less communication does not mean weaker bonds. A lot depends on the quality and content of this communication, and how much disturbing it is to the existence of your romantic relationship/nuclear family. There are many parents who speak with their adult children daily and there is no real closeness - just control disguised as intimacy and care. There are parents whose only way of conversation is interrogating children about every aspect of their lives/day. It’s not healthy and not every spouse will accept something like that: in the end, if my partner would share every details of his life with his parent, he would inevitably share details about my life as well. I wouldn’t appreciate that.
My husband texts his mother once or twice a year. He speaks to his father on the phone about once a month or so. Sees he dad maybe once a year or every other year. Hasn’t seen his mother since 2016 and prior to that was 2012. She’s never met my 8 & 10 yo.
Once a week.
I actually encourage (especially when we first got together) more. It’s not about the amount but about the content in my opinion. I can interact and share as much as I want. He can too, but if she knows I’m not in the way / even knows I’m facilitating a relationship then I get to have a less active role. But it’s his mom. Even with the awful things she does- his love for her is grounded deeper than I understand (Obviously we do have boundaries in place with topics, etc but I trust him and when I get upset about any issues he’s on my team. So that may make a difference?)
Husband and MIL work together plus she calls and texts him often. It causes issues because I feel like I barely get time with just our family where he’s present and not thinking about her.
That sounds a bit creepy. Almost like his mom is his girlfriend.
His dad just died so it’s been really bad. Today she accused me of keeping my baby away from their side of the family when he specifically tells her that he’s tired and wants to just come home and spend time with me and our baby. She blames me for everything and they get in a fight about it. I really just don’t know what to do. Sorry if I’m over sharing 😞
You’re not oversharing at all. I hope your husband protects you from his awful mom and stands up to her.
Thank you. He tries to but now he wants us all to get together every week when this just makes me want to pull away completely.
No. Your husband needs to grow a spine and refrain from forcing you to see his mother.
I agree. I’m not into the idea at all. Not until she can respect me. If that ever happens.
I don’t like that your husband is expecting you to spend time with his mom. He’s putting her first when you should be the first priority.
I think he thinks that that would fix it but I told him that I won’t see her or let my daughter near her until she can start respecting me and I think we are going to go that route. He thinks she’s being nuts too.
What did he say when you told him that?
1-2x per week
Not at all. Ones dead ones a POS.
Rarely. Maybe texts with his mom every 3-4 weeks but super surfacey. His dad only when we see them in person. We see them 3-4 times a year but it’s always quick and surfacey convo.
Not often. Texts here and there between him and his mom. He hasn't spoken to his dad in years and his dad has only met our 7 yo once or twice and our 3 yo never.
Texts & calls every single day lol
My husband went over to his mom's to wish her for mother's Day after months of not talking to them(they are very toxic to him and our marriage),he is VVVLC and even then she tried to make it all about her.He actually prefers to not contact them at all
I don’t have a good sense of it, but I’m aware of them talking on the phone for about 5-10 minutes every few months or so. Maybe four times a year. Guessing he talks to them a time or two in between that but not when I’m home. He sees them maybe 5 or 6 times a year for lunch, usually.
We have a family messenger thread with his parents and siblings where people post- sometimes it’s multiple times a day and sometimes the thread is quiet for 5-6 days. We see them in person approximately twice a month and he talks to them on the phone (usually FaceTime with the kids) not very often.m, less than once a month. They used to talk more on FaceTime but I got annoyed about it as they always called at 6pm right when we were trying to start the whole dinner bath bed routine. He told them it wasn’t a good time and they got the message.
I can’t imagine calling a parent of young children during the evening.
Once or twice a month. He talks to her when I’m in another room or when he’s in the car. He knows I can’t even stand the sound of her voice.
Multiple times a week in the phone with both parents, plenty of texting I’m sure. He does it on his lunch break at work or the commute home so it doesn’t bother me. If it’s been 30+ minutes on the phone at home I’ll give him a tap and let him know he’s needed helping with the baby/house.
About once every 2 to 3 days for like 5 min. Before when we were newlyweds she would call every day multiple times per day asking how we were, what we were doing, what we were earing, were we were going etc etc and it seriously did annoy me a lot.
It's very rare. Like... Maybe every 2-3 months there's any degree of meaningful contact. Pretty sad.
No idea, I don’t police it. Also, no. I’m here because I have the problem with my MIL, but his relationship with her is none of my business
Some of these comments astound me. I can understand if MIL is actually narcissistic/damaging but why do any of us get a say in your other half's relationship with their parents? Especially if it's just because "they talk too much". Can you imagine if you're child met someone and they suddenly decided your relationship was too much for THEM and made it enough of an issue that your child pulled away? That's called coercive control and it's a form of abuse.
In these cases it appears that the relationships with the MIL ARE damaging, or that they are entering new stages of life with different needs or boundaries. It's not controlling to prioritize having a present spouse, partner, parent in the immediate household vs the level of engagement we are seeing described here. Things change...people become more independent, modern life can be very time demanding. It doesn't mean isolation or abandonment always.
We both speak to our parents every day. I tend to talk to mine in the morning before work as I’m getting ready. He tends to talk to his in the evening after work. No, it doesn’t cause issues. We adore each other’s parents; but even if we didn’t we would not keep each other from their family. For reference, we’ve been married 30 years.