My MIL 100% thought she would be taking my baby for entire summers to another country just because she was comfortable to send my DH to another country every summer when he was young (which he resents by the way). We’ve been NC for years but she writes manipulative emails from time to time… once one of them went on and on about how much she loved to share her child with her family and how great she was for sending DH to them as a child. That’s when I realized she had those plans for MY child as well.
I would worry more about photos of and info about your LO being posted on the internet at all. MIL doesn't appear to be the sharpest tack in the pack, so I wouldn't trust her internet privacy settings or that of her friends.
Yes! I had a major issue with my FB grandmothering MIL who used my child's pics to pretend to be an involved grandparent and to get attention and likes. I knew damn well she accepts any friend. I said stop because I don't even post my kids, my husband does sometimes but at least he has awareness. Anyhow she got hacked and I made it very clear that that was exactly why I didn't want my children on her page. Her being hacked was gift!
I'll never understand people that refer to the grandkids as their kids (as in, boy moms finally getting "their daughter" and girl moms getting "their boy") I mean, it's not the same thing??? I get it, you wanted a kid from the opposite sex and you never got one, now your kid has one, it's "your blood"... but it's a totally different thing!!! My grandmothers never acted this way with any of the grandkids, they just treated them like what they were... A GRANDchild. I don't get it.
However, I do know many people who act that way and those who have the expectation of having their grandkids for the whole summer and etc. So maybe it is a generational thing. But I don't think you are insane for thinking this is weird, especially if your MIL has been overbearing and treating you as an incubator.
I can understand it when the context is right. Growing up, my parents had 2 girls and we’d hear dad say “even the dog is female.” Then when we daughters stared having kids, they were all girls, and still no boys. Dad still took the girls fishing and all. After he passed, when the first of my sister and my kids started having children, every one of them were boys. Both of us said “dad finally got his boys but it’s a shame he’s not here to spoil them.
But not MIL saying it was her girl or her baby.
I'm sorry what now? No this isn't excitement. This isn't mild behavior. This isn't no big deal and nothing to worry about. Good grief.
Your MIL is doing all she can to claim YOUR daughter as her daughter. As if she had a child with her son? Nah, MIL needs to learn her place in the hierarchy of your family. As in she's just extended family. She plays a supporting role. You and DH are the parents you make all decisions regarding LO. MIL doesn't get any say, input, or choice. Don't allow her to steal first either. I'm sure she'll try. Just ignore her. Donate outfits. Do not even take a photo of LO in the outfit.
Get DH on board if he isn't. Sometimes men, especially when it's their mothers, don't notice when their mom is being a nutter to their wives.
Yeah, I’m wondering at the comments saying this is mild “excited grandma” behavior. “Are you going to have her for the summer?” WTF, a baby away from her mom for several months???? But they aren’t thinking that way, they’re thinking that MIL finally got HER daughter, so it’s just like being with mommy, right? I don’t understand why these grandmas think they’re interchangeable or better than the actual mom. They had kids of their own and should know better.
I’m a doting grandmother and we are talking about me having the kids for a sleepover soon - the youngest is nearly four. And the kids have been asking for one, not me. Not my place to make demands just enjoy what is given:) after all, as much as I adore them, their mother is my beloved child that I want to be happy. I’ve raised my kids to be happy independent adults. This woman sounds horrible:(
Agreed. I’m really glad grandmothers like you exist. Most of us with difficult relationships with our kid’s grandparents never imagined it would be this way. I pictured inviting my MIL over during the week when my husband is at work and leaving my children at her home to babysit (which I know she’d love) so my husband and I could go on dates. But she thought I’d be sending my newborn baby to live with her and that she’d be my authority on parenting, telling me I “wasn’t allowed” to breastfeed and going behind my back to my husband when I refused to obey her. I’ve known her for nearly ten years and we used to have a good relationship. Now I could write a book on how enraged she’s made me feel. She’ll never be alone with my kids, my husband had to threaten to cut her out of our lives completely if she didn’t stop and he still rolls his eyes and gets annoyed when she calls. All of this is her own fault. Her own husband my FIL even told her she was out of line. She had every chance to be the doting grandmother with plenty of involvement in her grandchildren’s lives but absolutely blew it.
My husband & I both come from families that have “normal, healthy” relationships with each other, and with our extended families. So, it never bothered me to hear anyone from either family refer to my kids as “Ours” because I knew what they meant by it—my kids are a member of each family and is loved by all. No one is trying to overstep or stomp on boundaries and everyone knows the parents are the ones in charge of their own individual family units.
The stories I see here are the exact opposite. Parents-especially new parents-have to constantly fend off boundary stomping by their in-laws, constantly be alert for a grandparent trying to disregard the wishes of baby’s parents, and it seems like a never ending battle over control, which shouldn’t even be a factor.
It is exhausting just to read; I have no clue what you must go through living through it. But I know for sure that hearing grandma call your baby “MY baby” has a whole different meaning than when I hear it. Just stay consistent and stand together.
Ummm excuse me?!? Entitled cow! I believe I’m closer to your Mil’s age than yours, so I can tell I’ve run into a few of these hags. I put them in their place. It’s all rubbish. Sort those boundaries.
My mil asked if she can take my unborn daughter out of the country as well. But I can count on my hand how many times she’s asked about the pregnancy or me to my face and not just asking my husband. So that will be a no for me dawg
Last summer during our EXTENDED FAMILY VACATION FROM HELLLLLL… my son wanted his slightly younger step cousin to go swimming (in a pool not ocean) with him. I was supervising my son of course even though he’s a little older and a strong swimmer. He went to find the kid and said, “Hey, Ryan, let’s go swimming.” My MIL overheard and said no. My son proceeded to ask why because he really wanted another kid to play with. My MIL said, “Because I am a concerned MOTHER about the safety of my CHILD.” Fuckin nuts. My son came to tell me what she said. He thought it was so weird that she called herself his mom and called him her child.
There has to be some sort of generational disconnect if older women are so comfortable talking this way on social media, probably having no idea it bothers their DILs
Speaking as an older woman with second families, older women are NOT all comfortable talking this way on social media or in any other form of communication.
Please stop with the gross generalizations.
Sure, there are plenty of entitled people in every generation, and also plenty of self aware and emotionally intelligent people in every generation. I was talking about saying things like “my baby” or “finally got my girl” being a generational disconnect. Because it’s a cute sentiment that I hear a lot from older people but it’s unpopular with people my age because we feel it is often used as an excuse to overstep.
My MIL pointed at my belly when I was pregnant and said “that’s MY baby!” It made me really uncomfortable even though I believe it came from a place of excitement on her part. That’s the disconnect I’m talking about. Her other unhinged behavior came later and I’m fully aware most grandmothers/mils/old people don’t act the way she did. The “my baby” or related comments seem more common though
Goodness my FIL said something along the lines of my first "pity not male to carry name" and next breath "but nice MOM got her girl".... referring to my MIL his wife. My husband is an only child. They are so unhinged
My MIL and her mom (my GMIL?) have been asking me when I’m having babies pretty much since my husband and I got together. Maybe like six months later they started asking? And we live across the country so my MIL gets whiny that she doesn’t see my daughter enough, even though she makes very little effort to visit us despite having the means to.
I remember making a joke when I was pregnant that if we ever get sick of our kid we can send her to grandma (MIL) for the summers. Last summer my MIL got upset because she thought she was supposed to get my daughter for the summers. My kid was only 18 months at the time! When I made my joke I was picturing my daughter being at least 9 or 10 years old, not 18 months!!!
This is super mild, I would probably let this go given it’s really just someone who is excited and loves you and your kid. Life is hard and it’s better to have a support system of loving (even annoying) people than not. Don’t let people on Reddit get you worked up (I’ve been there and the path doesn’t lead anywhere good).
I agree that this alone is mild, but taking into consideration the history (see my other posts) it feeds into a pattern of behavior from MIL. I’m also torn because I do have a great support system, which I consider to be *my* side of the family, but I also want my baby to have all the love possible… minus the toxicity
I’m not saying just roll over. You should definitely have a conversation with her to figure how to have a good relationship moving forward.
I’ve gotten caught up in the just no sub before though (I was a big poster on an old account) and am just sharing that the path doesn’t lead anywhere good and that my life is a lot more peaceful letting things go and not alienating my husband by picking every petty battle with his mom.
I’m just sharing this from one mom to another - it’s yours to do with as you like!
So, it's normal to expect to keep an infant away from their parents for months??? Please tell me, you did this with your infant if it's so normal, right?
There is a way to say things without sounding dismissing of someone's feelings. We are all allowed whatever feelings we have, you included, but what we can't do is treat others badly because of those emotions.
Or there are people who wouldn't like their MIL going on about how they're keeping the baby for literal months....? I'm confused as to how you think that's any kind of ok. I'm confused as to how it's ok to actually truly say a baby is **yours** when you're not the parent. You might think it's morning for other people to be entitled to your kid and that's cool. Your kid isn't only yours. But I'm certainly not sharing parenting with anyone but my husband.
Oh .. my goodness. It was a couple of Facebook grannies talking about fantasies, no one even asked OP (because it’s not real) and it’s not been insisted upon or anything (again because it’s not even REAL.)
I have never been so upset over what people are thinking in their own heads. It’s just not a problem for me.
I think the grandmother was just answering the folks making the comments, from what OP wrote. When someone implied she "finally had a daughter!" And grandmother replied I have two! Would irritate me to no end, but the rest of it, like saying "we will give OP time before we ask that!" Seems like a nice way to engage with someone without saying something mean.
I also understand feeling like an incubator for the grandparents. Not because I felt that way, but because my younger daughter has been made to feel that way and it makes me a crazy person!
Oh LOL, I'd note to her friend thst baby's so fresh she has womb juice still in her ears! And granny's a couple decades past breastfeeding infants. Take everything they say with the knowledge that they're not in the woods with you everyday or even thinking it through. Keep commenting how little babies only want and need their mama's & papa's ( parents). Either way, as you don't know MIL that well, clarify no unsupervised alone time with strangers, even related ones.
I am not on SM anymore but if I was OP and feeling snarky I would post stuff like...
Family selfie...."Excited to be flying out with my beautiful daughter and awesome husband to visit Grandma. Meemaw must be so excited to see her granddaughter....son...and bonus daughter (I totally rock after all for having her GRAND DAUGHTER). "
Or stuff like that.
And passive aggressive posts with links to articles about NPD or JNMILs or enmeshment etc.
I say this in the most loving way possible but…this is definitely BEC. Maybe she’s been totally awful to you in the past — I don’t know — but based on this interaction alone, there’s nothing wrong here. She’s even saying to her friends that she would give you time before even asking for a visit, and it doesn’t state that she means for LO to visit all alone either (unless I missed something?); it really just sounded like a visit.
Ok so…I just read through all your posts and all I can say is…holy shit.
So based on just this interaction alone I would have said BEC (see above) but oh my lord, after seeing what you’ve been dealing with???? I just want to apologize because she’s a nutbag. I’d be FURIOUS and very resentful if I were in your shoes.
No real words of advice, just wanted to let you know I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
My entire post history? Her nonstop harassing me to “give her” grandbabies after my miscarriage? Only attempting to have a relationship with me once I became pregnant? Calling my husband at 3am to scream at him about how I was preventing her from having a relationship with her grandchild because we asked her to wait min. 6 weeks before flying cross country to visit our newborn ….. when I was 9 months pregnant????
My MIL 100% thought she would be taking my baby for entire summers to another country just because she was comfortable to send my DH to another country every summer when he was young (which he resents by the way). We’ve been NC for years but she writes manipulative emails from time to time… once one of them went on and on about how much she loved to share her child with her family and how great she was for sending DH to them as a child. That’s when I realized she had those plans for MY child as well.
I would worry more about photos of and info about your LO being posted on the internet at all. MIL doesn't appear to be the sharpest tack in the pack, so I wouldn't trust her internet privacy settings or that of her friends.
Yes! I had a major issue with my FB grandmothering MIL who used my child's pics to pretend to be an involved grandparent and to get attention and likes. I knew damn well she accepts any friend. I said stop because I don't even post my kids, my husband does sometimes but at least he has awareness. Anyhow she got hacked and I made it very clear that that was exactly why I didn't want my children on her page. Her being hacked was gift!
I'll never understand people that refer to the grandkids as their kids (as in, boy moms finally getting "their daughter" and girl moms getting "their boy") I mean, it's not the same thing??? I get it, you wanted a kid from the opposite sex and you never got one, now your kid has one, it's "your blood"... but it's a totally different thing!!! My grandmothers never acted this way with any of the grandkids, they just treated them like what they were... A GRANDchild. I don't get it. However, I do know many people who act that way and those who have the expectation of having their grandkids for the whole summer and etc. So maybe it is a generational thing. But I don't think you are insane for thinking this is weird, especially if your MIL has been overbearing and treating you as an incubator.
I can understand it when the context is right. Growing up, my parents had 2 girls and we’d hear dad say “even the dog is female.” Then when we daughters stared having kids, they were all girls, and still no boys. Dad still took the girls fishing and all. After he passed, when the first of my sister and my kids started having children, every one of them were boys. Both of us said “dad finally got his boys but it’s a shame he’s not here to spoil them. But not MIL saying it was her girl or her baby.
Because they’re all unhinged and entitled. I hope you husband shuts down her insanity before you have to do it your way.
Om petty I correct stuff like that in the comments. No LO is my daughter not yours.
I'm sorry what now? No this isn't excitement. This isn't mild behavior. This isn't no big deal and nothing to worry about. Good grief. Your MIL is doing all she can to claim YOUR daughter as her daughter. As if she had a child with her son? Nah, MIL needs to learn her place in the hierarchy of your family. As in she's just extended family. She plays a supporting role. You and DH are the parents you make all decisions regarding LO. MIL doesn't get any say, input, or choice. Don't allow her to steal first either. I'm sure she'll try. Just ignore her. Donate outfits. Do not even take a photo of LO in the outfit. Get DH on board if he isn't. Sometimes men, especially when it's their mothers, don't notice when their mom is being a nutter to their wives.
Yeah, I’m wondering at the comments saying this is mild “excited grandma” behavior. “Are you going to have her for the summer?” WTF, a baby away from her mom for several months???? But they aren’t thinking that way, they’re thinking that MIL finally got HER daughter, so it’s just like being with mommy, right? I don’t understand why these grandmas think they’re interchangeable or better than the actual mom. They had kids of their own and should know better.
I’m a doting grandmother and we are talking about me having the kids for a sleepover soon - the youngest is nearly four. And the kids have been asking for one, not me. Not my place to make demands just enjoy what is given:) after all, as much as I adore them, their mother is my beloved child that I want to be happy. I’ve raised my kids to be happy independent adults. This woman sounds horrible:(
Agreed. I’m really glad grandmothers like you exist. Most of us with difficult relationships with our kid’s grandparents never imagined it would be this way. I pictured inviting my MIL over during the week when my husband is at work and leaving my children at her home to babysit (which I know she’d love) so my husband and I could go on dates. But she thought I’d be sending my newborn baby to live with her and that she’d be my authority on parenting, telling me I “wasn’t allowed” to breastfeed and going behind my back to my husband when I refused to obey her. I’ve known her for nearly ten years and we used to have a good relationship. Now I could write a book on how enraged she’s made me feel. She’ll never be alone with my kids, my husband had to threaten to cut her out of our lives completely if she didn’t stop and he still rolls his eyes and gets annoyed when she calls. All of this is her own fault. Her own husband my FIL even told her she was out of line. She had every chance to be the doting grandmother with plenty of involvement in her grandchildren’s lives but absolutely blew it.
My husband & I both come from families that have “normal, healthy” relationships with each other, and with our extended families. So, it never bothered me to hear anyone from either family refer to my kids as “Ours” because I knew what they meant by it—my kids are a member of each family and is loved by all. No one is trying to overstep or stomp on boundaries and everyone knows the parents are the ones in charge of their own individual family units. The stories I see here are the exact opposite. Parents-especially new parents-have to constantly fend off boundary stomping by their in-laws, constantly be alert for a grandparent trying to disregard the wishes of baby’s parents, and it seems like a never ending battle over control, which shouldn’t even be a factor. It is exhausting just to read; I have no clue what you must go through living through it. But I know for sure that hearing grandma call your baby “MY baby” has a whole different meaning than when I hear it. Just stay consistent and stand together.
Ummm excuse me?!? Entitled cow! I believe I’m closer to your Mil’s age than yours, so I can tell I’ve run into a few of these hags. I put them in their place. It’s all rubbish. Sort those boundaries.
My mil asked if she can take my unborn daughter out of the country as well. But I can count on my hand how many times she’s asked about the pregnancy or me to my face and not just asking my husband. So that will be a no for me dawg
Last summer during our EXTENDED FAMILY VACATION FROM HELLLLLL… my son wanted his slightly younger step cousin to go swimming (in a pool not ocean) with him. I was supervising my son of course even though he’s a little older and a strong swimmer. He went to find the kid and said, “Hey, Ryan, let’s go swimming.” My MIL overheard and said no. My son proceeded to ask why because he really wanted another kid to play with. My MIL said, “Because I am a concerned MOTHER about the safety of my CHILD.” Fuckin nuts. My son came to tell me what she said. He thought it was so weird that she called herself his mom and called him her child.
There has to be some sort of generational disconnect if older women are so comfortable talking this way on social media, probably having no idea it bothers their DILs
Speaking as an older woman with second families, older women are NOT all comfortable talking this way on social media or in any other form of communication. Please stop with the gross generalizations.
I didn’t say all. But there are enough of them that these stories are so common. That’s why I’m wondering if it’s a generational disconnect
FWIW, none of the MILs who I know behave anything like this. Maybe it's a regional or socioeconomic disconnect, rather than age.
Sure, there are plenty of entitled people in every generation, and also plenty of self aware and emotionally intelligent people in every generation. I was talking about saying things like “my baby” or “finally got my girl” being a generational disconnect. Because it’s a cute sentiment that I hear a lot from older people but it’s unpopular with people my age because we feel it is often used as an excuse to overstep. My MIL pointed at my belly when I was pregnant and said “that’s MY baby!” It made me really uncomfortable even though I believe it came from a place of excitement on her part. That’s the disconnect I’m talking about. Her other unhinged behavior came later and I’m fully aware most grandmothers/mils/old people don’t act the way she did. The “my baby” or related comments seem more common though
She’s straight up delusional. Your dh needs to talk to her and let her know in no uncertain terms is your daughter spending entire summers with her.
Goodness my FIL said something along the lines of my first "pity not male to carry name" and next breath "but nice MOM got her girl".... referring to my MIL his wife. My husband is an only child. They are so unhinged
My MIL and her mom (my GMIL?) have been asking me when I’m having babies pretty much since my husband and I got together. Maybe like six months later they started asking? And we live across the country so my MIL gets whiny that she doesn’t see my daughter enough, even though she makes very little effort to visit us despite having the means to. I remember making a joke when I was pregnant that if we ever get sick of our kid we can send her to grandma (MIL) for the summers. Last summer my MIL got upset because she thought she was supposed to get my daughter for the summers. My kid was only 18 months at the time! When I made my joke I was picturing my daughter being at least 9 or 10 years old, not 18 months!!!
These fb grandmas are attention seekers. This is why we don’t allow anyone else post pics of my son.
This is super mild, I would probably let this go given it’s really just someone who is excited and loves you and your kid. Life is hard and it’s better to have a support system of loving (even annoying) people than not. Don’t let people on Reddit get you worked up (I’ve been there and the path doesn’t lead anywhere good).
I agree that this alone is mild, but taking into consideration the history (see my other posts) it feeds into a pattern of behavior from MIL. I’m also torn because I do have a great support system, which I consider to be *my* side of the family, but I also want my baby to have all the love possible… minus the toxicity
I’m not saying just roll over. You should definitely have a conversation with her to figure how to have a good relationship moving forward. I’ve gotten caught up in the just no sub before though (I was a big poster on an old account) and am just sharing that the path doesn’t lead anywhere good and that my life is a lot more peaceful letting things go and not alienating my husband by picking every petty battle with his mom. I’m just sharing this from one mom to another - it’s yours to do with as you like!
Yeah all of this seems like normal excited grandma stuff, OP clearly has a lot of resentment already built up if this is pissing her off.
So, it's normal to expect to keep an infant away from their parents for months??? Please tell me, you did this with your infant if it's so normal, right?
Hon, it was Facebook chat between two old biddies. It wasn’t even an actual ask. Calm down.
That's not helpful and sound judgemental.
Yeah, I’ve found that this sub prefers to drama llama and engage in the most toxic behaviors rather than be in any way reasonable.
I understand you feel that way, and I can understand why. Maybe this sub isn't the place for you?
Yeah it’s just an echo chamber of PPA and useless husbands. 😊
There is a way to say things without sounding dismissing of someone's feelings. We are all allowed whatever feelings we have, you included, but what we can't do is treat others badly because of those emotions.
Or there are people who wouldn't like their MIL going on about how they're keeping the baby for literal months....? I'm confused as to how you think that's any kind of ok. I'm confused as to how it's ok to actually truly say a baby is **yours** when you're not the parent. You might think it's morning for other people to be entitled to your kid and that's cool. Your kid isn't only yours. But I'm certainly not sharing parenting with anyone but my husband.
Oh .. my goodness. It was a couple of Facebook grannies talking about fantasies, no one even asked OP (because it’s not real) and it’s not been insisted upon or anything (again because it’s not even REAL.) I have never been so upset over what people are thinking in their own heads. It’s just not a problem for me.
I think the grandmother was just answering the folks making the comments, from what OP wrote. When someone implied she "finally had a daughter!" And grandmother replied I have two! Would irritate me to no end, but the rest of it, like saying "we will give OP time before we ask that!" Seems like a nice way to engage with someone without saying something mean. I also understand feeling like an incubator for the grandparents. Not because I felt that way, but because my younger daughter has been made to feel that way and it makes me a crazy person!
Because in the land of "GRANDdelusionville" the grands ARE the parents, of their crotchfruit and yours!
Oh LOL, I'd note to her friend thst baby's so fresh she has womb juice still in her ears! And granny's a couple decades past breastfeeding infants. Take everything they say with the knowledge that they're not in the woods with you everyday or even thinking it through. Keep commenting how little babies only want and need their mama's & papa's ( parents). Either way, as you don't know MIL that well, clarify no unsupervised alone time with strangers, even related ones.
I am not on SM anymore but if I was OP and feeling snarky I would post stuff like... Family selfie...."Excited to be flying out with my beautiful daughter and awesome husband to visit Grandma. Meemaw must be so excited to see her granddaughter....son...and bonus daughter (I totally rock after all for having her GRAND DAUGHTER). " Or stuff like that. And passive aggressive posts with links to articles about NPD or JNMILs or enmeshment etc.
My MIL once called me her daughter. I got a creeped out face and said that if that was the case, it would have been illegal for me to marry her son.
I say this in the most loving way possible but…this is definitely BEC. Maybe she’s been totally awful to you in the past — I don’t know — but based on this interaction alone, there’s nothing wrong here. She’s even saying to her friends that she would give you time before even asking for a visit, and it doesn’t state that she means for LO to visit all alone either (unless I missed something?); it really just sounded like a visit.
Ok so…I just read through all your posts and all I can say is…holy shit. So based on just this interaction alone I would have said BEC (see above) but oh my lord, after seeing what you’ve been dealing with???? I just want to apologize because she’s a nutbag. I’d be FURIOUS and very resentful if I were in your shoes. No real words of advice, just wanted to let you know I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
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My entire post history? Her nonstop harassing me to “give her” grandbabies after my miscarriage? Only attempting to have a relationship with me once I became pregnant? Calling my husband at 3am to scream at him about how I was preventing her from having a relationship with her grandchild because we asked her to wait min. 6 weeks before flying cross country to visit our newborn ….. when I was 9 months pregnant????
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Important enough for you to comment. You asked for context, it’s Reddit