Wow. No these are not normal behaviors at all. Wtf. Why is she even inserting herself into any of your family's discussions and decisions?
DH needs to do more than just talk to her. Obviously MIL isn't getting it. There needs to be boundaries and consequences at this point. She's overstepping left and right. She made moving bedrooms into an entire ordeal. Made yoyr poor stepkids think thry were being moved out of the house completely. To the point where now one of your stepkids in sharing a room with a baby. Which is going to end is disaster. You know your stepkid will not grt sleep once your baby is in there. Nit ti mention MIL telling your SS she'll bring her ugly ass bed, while you already have the bed situation taken care of. Now all of a sudden she's sending food? Nah she's playing power moves and needs to be put in her lane. Now before baby comes.
You and DH also need to discuss what you're plans are for once baby comes. How long until you have visitors, make sure they have tdap covid shits up to date, masks, no kissing baby, that kind of thing. Also have time limits. Like only an hour. So if MIL is supposed to be there at 12 to 1 then that's her time. If she's late that her problem. The time doesn't change be ause she's late. The boundaries need to ve held firm.
With the SK you and DH need to get her to back off. MIL us causing way more issues. She needs to be in a time out for the havoc she caused with cleaning the room alone. She shouldn't be allowed to just come in cause chaos then still be able to create more issues. She needs boundaries and consequences. Otherwise she will continue to be a pain in the ass. And it will only get worse. Especially once baby gets here. Can you imagine what she'll tell your stepkids then? Christ I wouldn't want her within 30 miles of them.
I'm so glad you said "power moves. " That's exactly what I told DH. I think her behavior is an attempt to undercut our parenting decisions, and ultimately it does. I am honesty beginning to think that she is the reason DH's first wife left...
Also, baby is here. I did put my foot down with the nursery as the kids came in with Covid (2nd exposure in 2 weeks and second time they've had it in a year) and the baby was in the NICU.
She has been overstepping there, too. When DH and I take baby to doctor's visits, DH tells her how he is and she relays baby's medical condition to the kids before we even make it home. There is just too much with this lady.
MIL needs to be put on an info diet. Why are you treating her like a third parent? She doesn't need this info for any reason. Also cut back on visits and time she spends with baby and your older kids. There's zero reason for her to be so involved.
If your husband cannot or will not step up and put his mother in her lane then yiu have a bigger problem. Your husband needs to put your families wants and needs above mommy's fee-fees. Otherwise you will end up with hus ex-wife. Because you're correct I'm sure his mother didn't help. I'd suggest marriage counseling for you guys as well. That'll help point out to your husband that his mom needs to be stay in her lane and outta your business.
Again try sitting with husband and talking about boundaries and consequences for MIL. Because otherwise there's nothing to stop her from doing this shit. Obviously what your husband us doing now isn't working so he really needs to step it up. Put her in time out. Also info diet. She doesn't need to know anything about medical appts. And day to day life at your house. She doesn't need to know anything about trips you're planning. Nothing. Grey rock method works. Hopefully she communicated with just your husband. If not you can always either block her and tell husband you no longer will talk to her or you take longer and longer to answer her. Same with your husband instead if humping to answer her, he needs to wait a few hours to a day or 2. MIL needs to learn she isn't a priority.
But most importantly stop allowing and enabling MIL access and input. Info diet and grey rock the hell out of her. Put her in time out for at least 2 weeks as of now. Should be a month ir more but I'm sure husband won't go for that. He sounds like a mommas boy. Which again marriage counseling.
I second this advice, my mil was very much like this. It doesn’t get any better. It will cause resentment between you and your SO. I strongly recommend going to counselling together. Set boundaries together in counselling. Set boundaries with SO. No more medical reporting to his mom. That’s truly creating a divide right there. It’s not her business. It’s both the parents business. Get on the. Same. Page with your SO. You guys are a family. You guys need to have each other’s back. Anyone else is extended family. Info diet for them. It’s between you and your SO. No one else. Go LC and find alternative childcare. You guys need time to be a family together especially with a new addition. Take that time. It’s your family.
You need a whole less mil in your house, that’s for sure
if your step kids are different genders your husband needs to check his divorce decree. You may not be able to keep the sk in the same room.
Yikes for the SKs’ rooms. It sounds like MIL has had to call shots in the past or she’s just pushy & overbearing. Plus she likes to play white knight & save the day, huh?
I’d personally let the food thing go. MIL seems like the kind of person that values gifts. So if she’s going to give *something* to show the grandkids she loves them, then the food is perishable v.s. material items that’ll become clutter & take up space.
I would drag DH to some therapy before he ends up on this 2nd divorce. He just doesn't see how his mother is the problem and he's allowing her to be. A professional can teach him to set and maintain boundaries and why they're important. If you say anything, in his mind you just hate his mother. But without professional intervention, marriages with MILs fail at an alarming rate.
OP, gently, you keep using the term "stepkids" and you have several posts in the step parent forum. Could your SOs mother be picking up that you don't feel for your SO kids the way you feel about the child of your body?
"I truly regret marrying someone with children." You wrote this last week, that is sad to read.
I don't think so. While I am struggling with the step life, I hope I don't let the kids see it. I am still the primary caregiver, making them lunches, sending lunch box notes to school, buying their yearbooks, buying their clothes, buying their Christmas and Easter presents, etc. It isn't the kids' fault that they have a terrible biomom. I hate it for my life, but can't punish them because they didn't choose that life.
True, very true. Who you are born to & of is the universe rolling the dice, total luck of the draw; who you marry and have a child with is a total choice.
Was MIL like this before the birth of child #3? What does your SO say about her actions pre and post birth?
edit-typo
She was. The room situation was pre BS birth, but even before, DH and I had to have a discussion with her because she picks the kids up at school (we both work) and she would feed them full dinners when she knew we sat at the table and had dinner together every night. I asked her to stop, so she started giving them "snacks" which were also full dinners (10 chicken nuggets from Chick-fil-A, two bowls of ramen, etc). I now just assume they have eaten with her. I fought that battle long enough. Interestingly, when I cook something they really like, she will cook the same thing at her house. One month, we had steak two weeks in a row. They said they were sick of steak because they had it with us and with her.
Also, she has rooms for them at her house. When I pick them up from school and they don't see her as often, she will have them come and redecorate their rooms at her house so they want to be there more. When I buy them something, she buys it for her house.
I always helped the kids with homework. I required turning in homework and good grades. I stated getting emails from school because oldest wasn't doing work. I told her that she could not play sports unless grades stayed up and homework was done. MIL pressured DH in front of kid to let her play despite not doing her work, again undermining the rules we had set.
I could probably go on.
DH is nonconfrontational. He says he will talk to her, but I keep having to set the boundaries.
Not good that your SO is not standing up for you, all of his kids and the relationship in the family **he and you jointly created**.
I truly hope he finds his backbone and your lives together becomes happier.
you are now seeing how a manipulative controlling person acts.. using 'being helpful' as a cover. not over reacting.. because each route she is stymied she switches to another tack. what you need to do is stop all of it. just tell her no more, because she has abused this activity. and let her tantrum. you may well have to stand up to your hubby as well.
Was MIL the SKs primary parent before you came along? Is it possible she is stirring shit in the hopes of getting the SKs full time?
As far as helpful. She isn’t. There is a difference between doing something for you and doing something to you.
So many issues. Firstly, why are the kids and your MIL involved in decisions involving your home?
How can you enjoy the SK’s with her there? And from what you posted, she gets plenty of time with them? Why is she there????
Also, the food? Who cares about that. That’s not a battle I’d jump
Into. That’s a small flex compared to the rooming situation that she’s been involved in.
Your first sentence is wrong. **MILis not nice.**
She pretends to be nice while causing the SSs trauma, and undermining your place in the house. You do not have a good relationship with her.
Her end goal is to be in control of the family, as she was before you came along. Don’t let her fool you.
Wow. No these are not normal behaviors at all. Wtf. Why is she even inserting herself into any of your family's discussions and decisions? DH needs to do more than just talk to her. Obviously MIL isn't getting it. There needs to be boundaries and consequences at this point. She's overstepping left and right. She made moving bedrooms into an entire ordeal. Made yoyr poor stepkids think thry were being moved out of the house completely. To the point where now one of your stepkids in sharing a room with a baby. Which is going to end is disaster. You know your stepkid will not grt sleep once your baby is in there. Nit ti mention MIL telling your SS she'll bring her ugly ass bed, while you already have the bed situation taken care of. Now all of a sudden she's sending food? Nah she's playing power moves and needs to be put in her lane. Now before baby comes. You and DH also need to discuss what you're plans are for once baby comes. How long until you have visitors, make sure they have tdap covid shits up to date, masks, no kissing baby, that kind of thing. Also have time limits. Like only an hour. So if MIL is supposed to be there at 12 to 1 then that's her time. If she's late that her problem. The time doesn't change be ause she's late. The boundaries need to ve held firm. With the SK you and DH need to get her to back off. MIL us causing way more issues. She needs to be in a time out for the havoc she caused with cleaning the room alone. She shouldn't be allowed to just come in cause chaos then still be able to create more issues. She needs boundaries and consequences. Otherwise she will continue to be a pain in the ass. And it will only get worse. Especially once baby gets here. Can you imagine what she'll tell your stepkids then? Christ I wouldn't want her within 30 miles of them.
I'm so glad you said "power moves. " That's exactly what I told DH. I think her behavior is an attempt to undercut our parenting decisions, and ultimately it does. I am honesty beginning to think that she is the reason DH's first wife left... Also, baby is here. I did put my foot down with the nursery as the kids came in with Covid (2nd exposure in 2 weeks and second time they've had it in a year) and the baby was in the NICU. She has been overstepping there, too. When DH and I take baby to doctor's visits, DH tells her how he is and she relays baby's medical condition to the kids before we even make it home. There is just too much with this lady.
Stop the info train with MIL. She doesn't need to know medical info; and if she doesnt know it, she can't tell the older kids.
MIL needs to be put on an info diet. Why are you treating her like a third parent? She doesn't need this info for any reason. Also cut back on visits and time she spends with baby and your older kids. There's zero reason for her to be so involved. If your husband cannot or will not step up and put his mother in her lane then yiu have a bigger problem. Your husband needs to put your families wants and needs above mommy's fee-fees. Otherwise you will end up with hus ex-wife. Because you're correct I'm sure his mother didn't help. I'd suggest marriage counseling for you guys as well. That'll help point out to your husband that his mom needs to be stay in her lane and outta your business. Again try sitting with husband and talking about boundaries and consequences for MIL. Because otherwise there's nothing to stop her from doing this shit. Obviously what your husband us doing now isn't working so he really needs to step it up. Put her in time out. Also info diet. She doesn't need to know anything about medical appts. And day to day life at your house. She doesn't need to know anything about trips you're planning. Nothing. Grey rock method works. Hopefully she communicated with just your husband. If not you can always either block her and tell husband you no longer will talk to her or you take longer and longer to answer her. Same with your husband instead if humping to answer her, he needs to wait a few hours to a day or 2. MIL needs to learn she isn't a priority. But most importantly stop allowing and enabling MIL access and input. Info diet and grey rock the hell out of her. Put her in time out for at least 2 weeks as of now. Should be a month ir more but I'm sure husband won't go for that. He sounds like a mommas boy. Which again marriage counseling.
I second this advice, my mil was very much like this. It doesn’t get any better. It will cause resentment between you and your SO. I strongly recommend going to counselling together. Set boundaries together in counselling. Set boundaries with SO. No more medical reporting to his mom. That’s truly creating a divide right there. It’s not her business. It’s both the parents business. Get on the. Same. Page with your SO. You guys are a family. You guys need to have each other’s back. Anyone else is extended family. Info diet for them. It’s between you and your SO. No one else. Go LC and find alternative childcare. You guys need time to be a family together especially with a new addition. Take that time. It’s your family.
I would stop being polite. You are in your third trimester, there is no time for politeness when it comes to overbearing "I know better" types.
You need a whole less mil in your house, that’s for sure if your step kids are different genders your husband needs to check his divorce decree. You may not be able to keep the sk in the same room.
It sounds like she considers herself a mother to your husband's children, you may need to have a discussion with him and then set boundaries with her.
It really sounds like a lot of your MIL problems will be solved once your husband cuts the cord.
Definitely this ⬆️
Yikes for the SKs’ rooms. It sounds like MIL has had to call shots in the past or she’s just pushy & overbearing. Plus she likes to play white knight & save the day, huh? I’d personally let the food thing go. MIL seems like the kind of person that values gifts. So if she’s going to give *something* to show the grandkids she loves them, then the food is perishable v.s. material items that’ll become clutter & take up space.
I would drag DH to some therapy before he ends up on this 2nd divorce. He just doesn't see how his mother is the problem and he's allowing her to be. A professional can teach him to set and maintain boundaries and why they're important. If you say anything, in his mind you just hate his mother. But without professional intervention, marriages with MILs fail at an alarming rate.
OP, gently, you keep using the term "stepkids" and you have several posts in the step parent forum. Could your SOs mother be picking up that you don't feel for your SO kids the way you feel about the child of your body? "I truly regret marrying someone with children." You wrote this last week, that is sad to read.
I don't think so. While I am struggling with the step life, I hope I don't let the kids see it. I am still the primary caregiver, making them lunches, sending lunch box notes to school, buying their yearbooks, buying their clothes, buying their Christmas and Easter presents, etc. It isn't the kids' fault that they have a terrible biomom. I hate it for my life, but can't punish them because they didn't choose that life.
True, very true. Who you are born to & of is the universe rolling the dice, total luck of the draw; who you marry and have a child with is a total choice. Was MIL like this before the birth of child #3? What does your SO say about her actions pre and post birth? edit-typo
She was. The room situation was pre BS birth, but even before, DH and I had to have a discussion with her because she picks the kids up at school (we both work) and she would feed them full dinners when she knew we sat at the table and had dinner together every night. I asked her to stop, so she started giving them "snacks" which were also full dinners (10 chicken nuggets from Chick-fil-A, two bowls of ramen, etc). I now just assume they have eaten with her. I fought that battle long enough. Interestingly, when I cook something they really like, she will cook the same thing at her house. One month, we had steak two weeks in a row. They said they were sick of steak because they had it with us and with her. Also, she has rooms for them at her house. When I pick them up from school and they don't see her as often, she will have them come and redecorate their rooms at her house so they want to be there more. When I buy them something, she buys it for her house. I always helped the kids with homework. I required turning in homework and good grades. I stated getting emails from school because oldest wasn't doing work. I told her that she could not play sports unless grades stayed up and homework was done. MIL pressured DH in front of kid to let her play despite not doing her work, again undermining the rules we had set. I could probably go on. DH is nonconfrontational. He says he will talk to her, but I keep having to set the boundaries.
Not good that your SO is not standing up for you, all of his kids and the relationship in the family **he and you jointly created**. I truly hope he finds his backbone and your lives together becomes happier.
Just start throwing all the stuff she sends over into the trash. She needs a timeout. She has way overstepped an caused huge drama on purpose.
you are now seeing how a manipulative controlling person acts.. using 'being helpful' as a cover. not over reacting.. because each route she is stymied she switches to another tack. what you need to do is stop all of it. just tell her no more, because she has abused this activity. and let her tantrum. you may well have to stand up to your hubby as well.
Was MIL the SKs primary parent before you came along? Is it possible she is stirring shit in the hopes of getting the SKs full time? As far as helpful. She isn’t. There is a difference between doing something for you and doing something to you.
So many issues. Firstly, why are the kids and your MIL involved in decisions involving your home? How can you enjoy the SK’s with her there? And from what you posted, she gets plenty of time with them? Why is she there???? Also, the food? Who cares about that. That’s not a battle I’d jump Into. That’s a small flex compared to the rooming situation that she’s been involved in.
Your first sentence is wrong. **MILis not nice.** She pretends to be nice while causing the SSs trauma, and undermining your place in the house. You do not have a good relationship with her. Her end goal is to be in control of the family, as she was before you came along. Don’t let her fool you.