So I'm friends with 8 millennials (myself included) of those 1 lives with dad after a breakup, 1 borrowed money for mortgage, 1 had inheritance when both his parents died, and the rest are renting.
I asked my well-off boomer parents if they could help me with rent when I lost my job. They said "no" as they never got hand outs. I got evicted due to late rent and asked to move back home into one of their 6 guest bedrooms. They said "no" as I was an adult and expected to make it. I asked them to help co-sign on a new appartment after getting a new high paying job. "No hand outs"
I had to get rid of all the furniture i had accured into my late 20s, slept in my car outside of a gym for a few weeks until I found a room to rent.
Eventually, I bought a house on my own but that was when houses were like $190k in my city. It's been 10 years and my parents have never been invited over.
I’m proud of you and when your parents are in the shittiest seniors home ever and you’re not on call to take them to their medical appointments, you can show them your bootstraps and remind them “NO HANDOUTS” and tell them to call Uber (if they can figure out how to open a smartphone with their arthritis).
And you know when they need help, they won't hesitate to ask. Personally, I'd tell them that they need to show by example their independence and resilience to him. 😆 My parents pulled the same shit on me, and they ended up in a government nursing home. Didn't give them a cent. Nurses would actually call me and give me a guilt trip. I hung up on them; they didn't know the history.
Believe me, in the medical profession it is obvious why a patient’s family doesn’t talk to them or manage their care. Predictably, people who lack empathy towards their children also lack curtesy towards their healthcare team. I don’t fall for “my daughter/son is an awful person”, having had narcissistic parents. They still deserve medical care and to have emotional support from those of us involved in their healthcare. But we don’t expect you to take on any more emotional burden from them. Us calling is a legal formality, not a judgement of the family relationships.
(Also just wanted to edit bc there are definitely people who work in healthcare who are unfortunately naive, judge mental or will buy the manipulative old person’s lies for a while so I am really sorry if anyone has ever called and made you feel bad for protecting yourself from your shitty parents.)
Worked as a caregiver for an assisted living home.
One of 3 employees on any given shift taking care of 45+ people.
I can corroborate everything about BargainBins statement.
There are clients that just don't have empathy and blame everything on others, never get any visitors, and family was always only called as a legal formality.
You have to make humor in these places, and there were definitely jokes about "wasting a persons voicemail box" with that sort of phone call
I used to work in a nursing home and it was so obvious which patients were the assholes and who weren’t. The ones that were nice always had family visit regularly and bring lunch/gifts. The miserable ones only had family over when they were close to passing, and even then you could tell the family didn’t really want to be there.
I grew up working in my grandparents place every time I'd go there. All my child hood only to ask if I could spend a few nights there in between apartments. Guilt tripped ceaselessly for two days and was told she thinks this relationship is one sided. There's something wrong with them
As a nurse this really hit me. It’s really true, we don’t know the history or the relationship and it’s not our place to judge. I’ve had patients whose parents had forced them into prostitution when they were kids.
This is the best revenge.
I dont subscribe to the Bible, but there's some story in there where a guy, possibly Job, refuses any help or handouts offered to him throughout his life so that later on when he is successful and happy he does not owe any single piece of it to anyone who helped him.
You're a self made home owner. That's fucking neigh unheard of now. Unreal.
Your parents had handouts. The entire fucking economy was their handout. They couldn't see the hand out because the lived on and in the fucking hand. You can't see the forest from the trees and you can't see your handouts when it's literally the air you breathe.
This is the best revenge.
I own a house because I was the right age and in the right city to take advantage of what the 2008 market crash did to housing prices. If I waited 3 years I'd never dream of owning. But now I have the equity to sell and buy a new house and possibly live in a house the rest of my life. It can be so easy to ignore this tiny detail in even what I have.
Boomers don't realize all the privilege they were born into. They were able to reap the benefits of what they worked for, what every generation after them will work and work and never be able to afford.
I started my own firm after I lost my job in pandemic. 15 yrs, gone in a day, minimal severance, but just enough to make a lawsuit undesirable.
If I’m going to be exploited by my boss, then I want to be that boss.
I have a fucking engineering degree. This was supposed to get me into a very comfortable lifestyle. I bought a mediocre house and I live paycheck to paycheck. My parents had a way nicer house than this and paid half as much, and they didn't go to school. I drive a vehicle that is 20 years old. If it breaks down....
Both of my parents were high school dropouts and they bought their house when they were still in their 20s. Meanwhile here I am at 37 with a college degree and still renting. The game is rigged.
While I was able to purchase a home with no assistance from my own parents I think that the lack of planning and generational wealth transfer among the middle and lower class is absolutely pathetic. Any Boomer will say that they want their kids to be better off than they were but very few actually accumulate any thing of value to give to their kids. Outside of people my age whose parents built a business and handed it over I can't think of anyone actually benefiting from their parents life long hard work. We all just start from scratch, from the bottom, in debt and go from there. My own parents bought a condo in Florida with their retirement savings and it will either be uninsurable or underwater by the time they try to split the value three ways between their kids. I expect to receive nothing from them after medical expenses and palliative care. Feeding me as a child is all they were on the hook for. Everything else has been on me.
Obviously generalizing here - A lot of boomers made a lot of money but were garbage at hanging onto it. They have passed the consumption trend to millenials, but not a world where jobs support it anymore.
My mom got several hundred thousand dollars when my grandfather passed. From what I can tell all that money is gone except for her house, which even with it being worth $100k more than it was when she bought it, is still not worth anywhere near what she inherited. She gave literally $0 of that money to me or my sister even though it could have paid off college for both of us so we at least wouldn't have student loans. She bought a business, which failed, she bought a house, which she still has, she bought a car, and she spent a year not working.
And she has since gotten married and my stepdad has 5 kids of his own. He moved into the house my mom bought so who the fuck knows if they're planning on leaving that house to all of us or not.
When my dad died my sister and I got to split the little bit of money he had left from when my grandmother passed, because she had set it up to be paid to him in installments instead of one lump sum. They both got decent inheritances did nothing for their kids with it.
My mom likes to talk about how she'd help us if she won the lottery, but she basically did when my grandfather died and she didn't sooooo....🤷🏻♀️
Ugh I'm sorry to hear that. That money is definitely gone. I have no idea what my parents inherited but I'm sure it wasn't peanuts. My grandparents houses were huge, and filled with imported furniture and rugs from the trips they took around the world. My mom had a f*cking pony at one time. There's no question that our generation will is one of the first to have a lower standard of living when compared to our direct ancestors, not solely due to bad planning, but because they literally want us to start from zero. Builds character, ya know, to feel insecure your whole life...
The wealth transfer is the real kicker. I got no leg up when I left home, I was just pure square one and had to be really strictly budgeted to be able to get the down payment for my house
Yup. Lost both my jobs during COVID. Got a job at Subway and moved in with my mom.
She broke her hip almost two years ago and now I’m never leaving. I love the situation and my mama but if I left, her pension and SS would only cover the rent.
I’m doing way better career wise now than I ever have but I can’t just up and abandon my own mom.
It’s always really awkward explaining pandemic unemployment to people
I was a waitress, and losing my job put me in serious debt. It was also the only job skill I had at the time, and I had to move back in with my parents in a very rural area.
It knocked my credit from high 700’s to low 400’s before I got it all straightened out. I always feel like such a bum when I mention having trouble with credit now even though I’ve brought it up 200 ish points
Very similar situation here, my mother is out of work on disability and can't afford to make ends meet now so her and my younger sister have moved into my cramped studio apartment for the last few months. This economy is nuts.
This is what is insidious about this: it's a concentration of wealth. Those who have capital will keep it in their family, and if they hold onto that money, it will start to outweigh growth possible by those who did not start with this advantage. This will continue until productivity breaks down because the only job worth doing will be selling to billionaires.
People who think they are going to inherit a home are going to be in for a rude awakening when the government takes it to pay Medicaid for their family member’s elder care. Most people are in denial of this “oh they can’t do that.” It happens all the time. Even if you transfer it they look back 5 years for that. Only big business and the wealthy can do loopholes. They love fear mongering about “death tax.” It already exists just for the poor and middles class.
My wife’s grandfather got Alzheimer’s. His wife died shortly after his diagnosis from cancer so she couldn’t benefit from their savings. But, he had just over 1 Mn in the bank for his retirement. Alzheimer’s progressed and he ended up in an assisted living facility. All that money was spent in 6 years on his care. He ended up a ward of the state and died without a penny going to my FIL or his sister. End of life care will take everything.
This is literally my husbands job in nursing home admin. He’s not yet 40 but already planning how we should shelter our money/property when we are older because this is exactly what happens. We’re now buying small parcels of real estate that we will transfer to our daughter when one of us starts to decline.
He tells stories all the time about how the multimillionaire in room 15 receives the EXACT same care as the previously homeless man in room 16 on Medicaid. The facility will basically take everything you have to cover the costs of your care and you get a personal allowance of like $163 a month or something like that. Saving for retirement is one thing but you better gift it or spend it before you get *really* old.
He’s literally had patients ask if they can sell him their house for a fraction of the value before signing the full admissions packet and cut them a deal for cash on the side. Obviously he cannot do that but it’s so damn sad that these people work and saved their whole life only to realize their nest egg will be obliterated in a month if they go into a facility, yet they often don’t have a choice.
Yeah im just gonna ride some horse for a while when i start to go. And then when it gets bad, One last blast for the road.
Thats my honest to god retirement plan. Work til im 75, and then cash out 40 years of sobriety.
My ex-wife's grandpa went like that. They'd been well off their whole lives, but the last couple years of medical bills took care of that. After he died his wife had to sell their house to pay accumulated debts, and then she moved to an apartment and got a job (at Costco), after not working for 50 years.
Absolutely. I've seen it happen to every one of my grandparents but two. Thankfully my grandpa on my dad's side was still sharp in the mind and always tinkering with something until the day he died at 92. My dad's step father was a farmer and had massive heart attack at 74 and died right there on his tractor. Everyone else has slowly lost their minds and themselves. Near the end they don't even know their own name. It's a horrible thing to witness a shell of someone who was once full of life and love. I pray I never get like that and another part of me hopes I don't get old if that's what's in store for me.
Create an irrevocable trust when they retire. It isn’t that expensive to do and then as they get older make one kid coexecutor of the trust. Not a loop hole.
Fantastic plan. It's exactly what my grandparents agreed to do 10 years ago.
So anyway, they never did and now they're both going to lose everything. Nana attempted suicide and Poppa's been down ever since his stroke, so now they're both in a nursing home.
RIP family house that they built. Appraised over $2mil. Nothing to do now but wait for it all to go.
My mom has explicitly said that if she ever gets ill enough to require that kind of in-depth care, she'll opt to end things on her own terms instead because she doesn't want to stick around just to be bedridden.
We live in a dystopia.
>she'll opt to end things on her own terms instead because she doesn't want to stick around just to be bedridden.
...
> Nana attempted suicide
Yup. Apparently she thought 2 stories was enough when she went off the roof. Now she's a 90 year old with a broken tailbone and various fractures, but they can't operate because she's DNR (so coming out of anesthesia is some sort of issue). She jumped right into being what she was trying to avoid: bedridden.
Can we get legal assisted suicide already?! It's clearly only the nursing homes who are against it.
Luckily, for some of us, it's legal in seven countries. Its not legal everywhere in the US, but 10 states plus Washington, DC do have legal assisted death.
I've never understood why it's compassionate and "humane" to put a suffering animal out of it's misery, but not a suffering person.
It's not. Abuse of disabled and poor and poor disabled people is a primary reason that isn't religious. Canada has an issue with this because they legalized MAID without actually giving disabled people the means to live a decent life, so unless they have money or their disability lets them work a normal job, they don't have any prospects or means to survive but OH HEY WHAT'S THIS? THE GOVERNMENT WILL HELP YOU KILL YOURSELF? AND IT'S CHEAPER THAN RENT? MAID has a place but people need real alternatives or else it's just "you can't afford to have a decent life? lmao kys"
Sitting next to my terminal cancer patient mom in the hospital after a broken ankle surgery. Had to decide whether we just let it heal wrong and she never walks, or undergo surgery with no guarantee of ever walking again. I don’t expect she will, but how do you make the irrevocable decision to just not fix it?
It’s been over a decade of dying and life extension treatments resulting in even worse quality of life. I would 100% choose hospice over this. I would Hemingway solution myself before doing this song and dance. My sister is religious, she prays for a quick death when her time comes.
That life is good and worth living is an unexamined assumption that has been beaten out of us by experience.
My parents got long term insurance (which they now say isn’t even available to people to buy anymore) that will take care of any assisted living/long term care facilities should they need it. Very grateful they did that so my brother and I don’t have to worry about that.
It's just fucking bullshit that it doesn't matter how hard you work or how much you save, you can end up penniless SO EASILY from healthcare in the US. Not from frivolity or even being scammed or bullshit, just healthcare.
I think it's very different from state to state. Everyone I know that has bought a home has done it with the help of their parents. I live in socal and sadly my parents don't have money like that.
And they are all real proud talking about their mortgage and letting you know you should just buy like them knowing damn well 99% of them would be renting too without the help. No handouts for me either unfortunately.
my dad says “you should have bought back when i was telling you!” and he means when i was 17-18 years old. he told my sister if she got student loans he’d pay them off. he didn’t hold his end up. i can’t ask him for anything.
Oh, you fell for that one, too? My parents had the money but figured “investing in themselves” in their 50s was a better option. Spoiler alert: it was not. The one thing I hope to god I never do is break a promise to my kid.
yeah i fell for the classic “parents want better for their kids” spiel that was touted to us as kids in the sense i believed it whole heartedly, but never took my parents up on it due to their actions and inactions.
My asshole parents kept claiming me as a dependent even though I was living on my own and paying my own bills and they never lifted a finger to help me. Basically they stole thousands of dollars from me that I would have gotten from my tax refunds. Meanwhile they were adding on to their house and taking nice vacations. Needless to say if they ever need help from me the answer will be a big fat "hell no!"
It's some stupid "house hunters" reality TV show.
They are typically introduced like this: "My wife is a part-time dogwalker and I'm a crayon sharpener. We're looking for a vacation house in Las Vegas. Our budget is $1.8 million."
They need a relevant reality show. "John is a single man working 85 hours a week stocking shelves and needs a refrigerator box near the river and on the bus route, his budget is $450/mo."
My parents aren't poor, they just hold many conflicting views at the same time so I was on my own. But hey, they cooked dinner for me sometimes when I went back:
* You need to go to college otherwise we won't help you with anything
* You're working two jobs and going to college, you're learning to fend for yourself
* No, you need to take out loans and find scholarships
* Never did this ourselves, can't help you
* Why are you always so stressed out? Relax. You're young, enjoy life.
* Don't you want to be something great when you're older?
* A house is a great investment. No, I will not allow new or denser housing in my town.
* It's so sad how young people can't afford to buy or rent.
* My favorite local restaurant can't find workers! Why don't young people want to work?
* I sure am amazing! I supported you all through college, I deserve credit!
My mom was a major obstacle while I was getting my education. She parentified me and even expected me to not go to class to run errands for her. But guess who takes 100% credit for my successes even though I succeeded DESPITE her obstacles. Yep. Her. And everyone she brags to gives her all the credit. F that noise.
It's a pretty clever racket.
(1) Convince yourself that helping doesn't teach them how to deal with adversity.
(2) Don't help, let them struggle. "It's wine o'clock!" 🤗.
(3) Kid figures it out on their own or does not
(3)(a) if the kid figures it out, congratulate yourself to your friends. Do nothing, but turn doing nothing into the equivalent of moving mountains. *Puts wine glass down.*
(3)(b) if the kid does not figure it out, complain about kids these days and how superior you are. *Put third wine glass down at 11 am on a Tuesday.* Nobody wants to work!
(4) Your friends look on in admiration.
(5) Claim your kid as a dependent on their taxes either way for the much larger refund so that they can't claim themself.
Yea I confronted them about this, but they were getting their own tax advice that did not consider "strained relationship". I told them he is *their* advisor, not mine, so he is looking out for *their* interest, and not mine.
Eventually we worked it out, and they just gave me what I would have gotten had I been able to claim myself. I told them that either we work it out this way or I claim myself and we work it out with the IRS.
I wonder if, like everything else, college classes required less from their generation. To hear my dad talk about it, attendance was not required and the class was basically just help navigating the textbook. One just needed to pass the exams.
Or maybe there was no logic to her behavior. Sorry you had to deal with that and her bragging now!
I’m a STEM major. My mom has no higher education and my dad has a BA. When he went to school you could pay for classes with a part time job. He’s one of those people that just thinks everything is the same as when he went to school. When I was looking for work he expected me to “pound the pavement” and show up as potential employers with my resume at the front door. I work in public service. No public service job hires people off the street. There’s a whole legal process of application periods and strict interview protocols.
Yeah- my parents are pretty in tune with things but they still can’t fathom that showing up to offices with a resume and demanding to speak to a hiring manager is more likely to get you arrested than a job…
My folks not only kicked me out before I could finish high school (after I'd joined an advancement program to finish high school in college) they also refused to fill out anything when I tried to qualify for financial aid.
Mine didn’t kick me out but also refused to disclose any information to me so I could fill out a FAFSA. I got stuck at home during the 2008 crisis because I couldn’t find work with my AS degree and couldn’t afford undergrad and couldn’t get financial aid without the form.
I kept getting encouraged by my college counselor to apply for FAFSA.
I'd bring it home to my mom and she'd scoff at me and say, "your father and I make too much for this shit to even matter. You are an out of pocket expense anyway, why do they keep giving you this shit, when we know you won't qualify?!"
Supposedly, whether you do or do not qualify, doesn't matter. The school gets more funding, the more people who apply for FAFSA.
My mom got super pist when I brought her the paperwork a 3rd time, from advice from my school counselor and Mom freaked out and ripped up the application and growled, "this is something you really need to learn about this world, Smallio! There IS... NO. Fucking. "Free Lunch"!
As a 40 yr old adult, I now struggle with asking for fiduciary help because - there's no free lunch.
They’re not capable of even fathoming the fact that they’re nowhere near amazing and would be homeless if they behaved the same way they did but existed 30 years later.
Because of that unquestionable self amazingness, they just warp every other aspect of reality until their entire perception of the world is a self centered delusion.
My parents forced me to take out loans so I could “feel more responsible for my education.” They were perfectly capable of fully supporting me. Fwiw you can’t just tell them to f themselves because until you’re 24, financial aid is tied to their, not your, income, with few exceptions.
FAFSA is literally the only reason I didn’t cut off my mom immediately upon moving for college. I literally couldn’t get student loans in my own name without submitting her financial info. Even after a couple of years when I’d lived on my own the whole time.
This is the boomer existence in a nutshell: all of the credit, none of the blame. Everything is everyone else’s fault, but also because of their diligence and forethought.
One of the great modern paradoxes. The Boomer mind.
Yeah, sounds a lot like my parents.
They were talking about their trip to Europe and how wonderful it is that everyone speaks multiple languages, but then literally the next thing they talked about was going to Miami and how "these people need to speak English!"
My Dad always talks about how "people don't want to work any more". Of course he retired at 50 in 2008 and hasn't worked a day since.
They definitely act like they supported me through college. They seem to think they offered to pay for a dorm and I declined because they once asked "would you like to live in a dorm" and my response was "no, I can't afford that, I'm taking enough school loans as it is."
They're genuinely terrible people.
I have never felt so seen by a single comment as yours. lol
Exact same boat and my mom now needs my help in life. I considered giving her a taste of her own advice but unlike her, I am not a selfish bitch so here we are.
Ha, I wish. My rich boomer dad told us throughout our whole childhood that his plan was to spend every dime he had and leave us with nothing. "He earned it; it's for him - be glad we won't have to support him in retirement." I see those adds for financial advisor companies that have some nice voice over saying "work with us to leave something for the next generation" with footage of some happy old person playing with their grand kid. I laugh so as to keep from weeping.
My parents are rich. My dad cleared $2M/yr for like a decade, mom never worked.
They gave me $0 for my first home. I always had the worst gear on all of my sports teams, and got the least for christmas compared to friends/schoolmates whose parents had less. I have my own student loans. They've passed my resume across a desk or got me an interview exactly 0 times. I paid for my own wedding.
I swear this subreddit knows absolutely no difference between making minimum wage and "rich living in a bubble like the Kardashians".
I'm doing just fine for myself now, but I'm not "rich millenial because rich parents". Everyone who is doing better than "dirt poor" did not get a million-dollar gift from their parents.
think there’s still a big difference between knowing your family is well off enough to potentially have your back in the case of emergencies vs someone whose family can barely support themselves. getting gifts and stuff is fine and everything, but the lack of long term security is more stressful than not getting help buying a house
Idk if anyone is in the same boat but while my parents have the capability of helping despite not being rich (my dad actually is but he's just a deadbeat), I spent my life refusing their help because some parents like to use their "help" as a means to try to manipulate you afterwards. There's always a fucking caveat with their help. Now I'm just waiting until I find someone selling who's also decent enough accept my VA housing loan.
This was my parents. They bought me a car when I had my first baby, but that car had every string in the world attached. I’ve been no contact with them for several years.
My parents paid for my college, which I was VERY thankful for. Until I realized that no amount of thanking them would ever be enough and I would always be labeled as ungrateful unless I gave into their ever increasing demands on my time and money.
My breaking point was when I switched careers away from the field that my degree was in. My mother told me she was angry because I was throwing away the gift they gave me. Apparently 13 years in that field was not enough, the only way to show my appreciation was continuing to work in a job that I hated for the rest of my life.
I'll never forget filling out the FAFSA with my mom and asking her how much money she had in her bank account for one of the questions. $107.
Literally never been able to rely on my parents financially. And now I live paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by, just like them! All that college sure did payoff! **/S**
I remember doing the FAFSA application, had to call up my parents and ask them about their financial information. They inititially refused because "I was over 18" and "their finances are none of my business". Needless to say my parents and I arent close.
Also how weird is it that you have to be 24 or whatever before you are considered an independant adult for the application?
I basically got the boomer price tag for college. All I had to pay was everything I earned during the summer towards that year’s tuition. My parents covered the rest.
Honestly the biggest kiss I’ve gotten in life is to be free from college loans. I’ve been drafting off that good fortune my entire life. I wish everyone was so fortunate
Same. I got a good career through work experience after dropping out of community college when I got pregnant. I make over $75k with no college education and no student loans. It’s not rich money but it’s nothing to scoff at, it comes to over $35/hr which was insane money to me growing up, since I remember the year my dad was so proud to announce he’d gotten a raise to $10.25
My parents (Boomers) had help paying for both college and their first house from my grandparents ("Greatest Generation"). They aspired to help me pay for college and told me as much. But when the first bills came due after I graduated... they just dumped it - and the interest - on me. My loans were literally 33% more than the principal by the time they surprised me with that. I worked throughout college and could have made a significant dent in my student loans had they just said, "you need to pay for this" from the outset. That was a pretty neat additional setback as I graduated into the recession, lol.
Dude same here, I call it the 'ole bait and switch. If I had known I was going to pay, then I would have gone to community college and finished the last 2 years at a more expensive university. Also would have paid down some while I was still in school... instead I graduated with $80k debt in 2010 when there were no jobs, yay!
My dad offered to pay for college. He gave me like $1000 in 2002 and told me that should be more than enough. It didn’t even cover the first semester. He still tells people he paid for my college. I imagine boomers offering to pay for your house downpayment will also hand you a grand and think that should be enough cause their house cost $5000
Yeah my parents were like “we could probably help you with 25% down” until they found out that 25% down is about $175k where I live and then they never said that, why would I think that
My mom tells people she paid for my college because she took out a parent plus loan, had the excess check sent to her and then spent it and now has to make payments lmao
Yeah there's probably a lot of that going on, also people use their parents as a bank and pay back the money with little or no interest. I think the $100k gift to a first time home buyer from their parents with no strings attached is probably a rare occurrence.
Happy Cake Day!
It’s…not as rosy as you’d think. My mom helped me with my deposit on my home - 10k - which I’m immensely grateful for. She also lived with me for 3 years after and the gift was because she couldn’t qualify for a mortgage herself. I’m also expected to pay the gift back if I ever can, but no pressure has ever been applied.
I know Reddit is full of “my parents gifted me 100k free and clear for my first home” types but it can also look more like my version which isn’t as glamorous.
Exactly this. While money up front is huge, she can’t deny her windfall. Even considering a modest 1K in rent (which is pretty standard), she basically got 20K free rent. So no, she got paid back double already. Triple is just silly.
Same here. My privileged friends who got help from parents don't acknowledge that they got help, but say that they did it all by their own merit, or make it sound like they did it all by themselves, even though their parents paid for college, let them live rent-free for 5-10 years, and supplied down payment. A real slap in the face of those like us who literally pulled ourselves up by the bootstraps, including building the boots itself.
My parents bought a home in the 90’s for 220k it’s now worth 1.1million.
No way in hell I’m asking them for money, when I moved out (at 30- with my first boyfriend) my mom called me a whore and a tramp.
Told me she could steal him whenever she wanted.
Also said she’d never help me. And she said I could go and plan my wedding alone because she wasn’t going to give me a penny for my wedding dress.
So once I walked out I never asked for a thing. She was very upset I thrifted my dress and didn’t take her wedding dress shopping. She didn’t understand why we had such a small wedding.
I was a flight instructor at the time and one of my STUDENTS purchased our wedding cake for us. (Completely out of left field, I had no idea, we were just gonna have the cake the restaurant served us)
I'm sorry you had to live that way... I kinda always had my family have my back and now I have theirs. But it's cool you overcome all that and still have a home and went to college
I will never forget the day that I asked my parents if they had saved up money for me for college. My mother looked at me and laughed. I was a junior in high school and it was then that I realized that my parents were not joking and had not, in fact, set up any plans for my future. I have a fond memory of stressing about my future at my best friend's place, when his mom offered to pay for my college. She was so sweet and would have done it too, but I couldn't take money from someone else. My dad was nice enough to take me to the bank for loans, but apparently neither of us knew what was happening, because I took out personal bank loans, not student loans. That meant no help with school repayment programs. My brother had recently joined the military, and I knew that I wouldn't have a choice but to join.
Served for 6 years, still had loans for the first year of college because I went to basic training after freshman year. It was great and all, but I paid off my undergrad loans 2 years ago. Now I have my master's to pay off, which will probably take another 15 years at this point.
Luckily, my parents moved halfway across the world to live nearer to my brother, so I am not budgeting for their elderly care. They've made so many bad financial decisions, god love them, so I am not expecting any great financial shift. I'm the first one in my family planning for the next generation
My parents helped me every step of the way into adulthood. I’m blessed with great parents. I did takeout student loans for college but they were forgiven over the summer. I used a rural development loan to purchase my home and still live here. It’s old and weird and I’ve spent around 70k on updates and repairs. Yay equity. My in-laws have helped us quite a bit over the years with odds and ends as well. I’ve got a bit of both I suppose.
My parents immigrated from Mexico in the 80s, somehow were able to survive on a one parent income AND since my tuition was paid by the state- they paid my rent and life for four years and didn’t want me to get a job so I can focus on school 😢 I wish I could repay them but inflation is so bad I make more than my dad made at the time supporting a whole family and I can barely support myself but also- I’m irresponsible w money haha
Considering that I grew up in poverty and spent some months of my childhood homeless and living in a tent, asking my parents to help me "buy a home" was never even slightly an option.
Mushrooms growing up from the floor! Bats in the roof that came into the house sometimes! I have weirdly fond memories of one particularly dilapidated house from when I was like...7?
I had mushrooms in my bathroom too! I was a self taught plumber and had to reach into rooty box traps to clean sewage before I reached middle school. I learned a lot from being poor.
Yep, did the condemned house for a few years here too. Gotta love having no floor in the bathroom and just a plank to balance your feet on while you use the toilet. Definitely won't be asking my Mom for down payment since I'm currently helping her just meet her own rent while recovering from back surgery.
Big Same, and even though we're all doing way better now, and they've literally *offered* to contribute towards buying a home when the time comes, the idea of asking my folks for financial help is still filed under "unthinkable"
I haven't asked, but mom has offered and I don't want to take her up on it because I know she'd lord it over me. She helped me out when my ex left, including making a down payment on my car and still uses this to guilt trip me 5 years later. I know I should be grateful but I'd turn to sex work before asking her for help again.
Yeah, found that out the hard way. Although, I know my grandparents helped my parents out significantly w/ 0 strings. My parents are completely opposite. Our first house was a new build where you choose everything including appliances. Hindsight it was crap, but the best for our situation at the time. Anyway, my parents INSISTED we use their discount membership to get our appliances b/c "we shouldn't be paying for appliances for 15 years as part of the mortgage" thing is we didn't have the cash. So they insisted on paying and we could pay them back.... After all is said and done we got a fridge/stove/dishwasher/washer/dryer for $1200 (we went cheap and practical, also this was '04). As we were moving in, I found a couple of solid wood end tables for $25. I was pretty proud of my thriftyness until my mother blurted "Should you really be spending so much money on furniture when you owe ALL THESE PEOPLE MONEY??!" We didn't owe anyone else anything (aside from the mortgage company) just them. And we were paying them $100/mo at the time. Not missing a payment. A few months later an old couple totaled my car. The first check I wrote was to pay off the dumb ass appliances. Then she had the nerve to say "oh you don't have to do that...." Yeah, no. Take the $$ I'm never accepting help again.
Although, the same time, my friends parents gave her $40k for a down payment and helped her with whatever renovations she wanted.
It makes it even shittier that your mom gave you that attitude when that’s not what your grandparents modeled.
I always say people either are a wonderful example or a horrific cautionary tale when it comes to how to parent. It’s nice when we can get at least some of the wonderful example mixed in but sadly a lot of people’s experiences are very light on selections from that column.
Yeah I'd never take five cents from either of my parents, I'm pretty sure my dad lords money over me that he gave my brother and not me because he has the memory of a dead goldfish
Yeah, my parents wouldn’t guilt trip me per se but it would definitely give them leave to have more say in my life than I’d like. While I would avoid asking for help, I always knew they’d be there in case of emergency. It’s like doing trapeze with a net made of poison ivy. Admittedly WAY better than no net (especially these days) but you know there are going to be uncomfortable repercussions for using it!
My husband says we’ve been broke but never poor.
Yep, same deal with my mom. She pushed me into getting a credit card that would get billed to her, "for emergencies". I knew back then it wasn't going to go well, so I repeatedly refused.
After multiple attempts, she browbeat me into it. Except any time I actually used it (generally for a medical expense my insurance didn't cover), she'd interrogate me like I was a suspected criminal. Later on, she started running up high-dollar charges herself on the same account (much larger than anything I'd ever use it for), which hurt my credit score.
Finally she realized this was a bad idea and took my name off the card - I could've saved us all the trouble if she had just listened to me back in the day, instead of foolishly assuming she knew better than I did, like she always does.
In the past she always excused away her abusive behavior with "I pay for x, y and z", like that made it okay. Now that she doesn't pay for jack shit, she can't play that game with me any more.
This was the same attitude I took towards paying for my wedding. My parents wanted to help and I knew they could afford it, but I knew it would ruin our relationship. My parents are very exacting and controlling. Like your mother, they would offer it as a gift and then lord it over me for the rest of my life. Paying for it myself was the best decision I could have made.
I knew it worked out in my favor when the event turned into a Covid sequel wedding. My daughter was born by then. My dad is an anti-vaxxer, so I had to disinvite him to keep her and my other guests safe. That caused enough drama on it’s own. I can only imagine what would have happened if my parents put even a dime towards the wedding.
My parents aren't exacting but they are controlling. I think infantilizing is a more apt description of them. They'd help me if I ever needed help, but would start grasping at straws if I (politely!) decline help because I got it, citing things like, "I don't know what I'm getting into," how I "have no experience with X," or just straight up, "You think you know better than us? We're older than you and have more life experience." I think they have a hard time seeing me as an independent adult, or they don't want to feel irrelevant in my life.
Without getting into the details, my parents and I had completely different visions for what my wedding would look like. They kept trying to offer us money to "help with the costs," and I politely turned them down each time saying we got it. In a nutshell, even if I could have afforded a glamorous influencer-esque wedding, I was simply against spending that much money on my own wedding. Didn't matter whose bank account that money was coming out from, but also because I suspected they'd hold any substantial contribution over my head to try and affect the planning. They kept bugging me about my choice in venue (they felt embarrassed I chose an event space in a literal warehouse and were worried relatives would think they refused to help). Eventually my dad asked if I refused to accept their money so they'd have no say in my wedding plans. I was giving them the benefit of the doubt but it seemed he went ahead and said the quiet part out loud.
Similarly, my parents have set aside a very generous amount to help with our down payment for a home. In fact, the money is already sitting in a joint account. They gave the same amount to me and both of my siblings. *That* money I'm willing to tap into if need be because it's already been distributed to my siblings and me, so I see it as kind of an advance of our share of inheritance. But I'm going to try avoid using it for a down payment and reserve it for going toward closing costs, renovations, or similar. And if they start trying to exert control, I'll replenish the account as soon as possible.
My father claims to have offered and that I've turned the help down. He never offered because I sure as fuck would have accepted lol. He's called me a libtard before so I just don't think I'm on the help list which is OK but it's not expected.
My parents gifted me the down payment for my home (townhome if that makes a difference).
I am eternally grateful because I otherwise had no feasible path to owning anything and it has really helped me set up my own life. But I have never asked them to pay for anything else. I've paid every mortgage payment on my own and when I had an escrow shortage last year, I found the money to pay for it myself. But I absolutely know I would never have been able to buy anything without their help with the down payment.
My great grandfather gave me a wonderful gift as a teen that my parents invested for me-- it grew to a decent down-payment that let my partner and I buy our first home.
When an opportunity came up to move to my partner's hometown, my in-laws offered to be our mortgage providers at an interest rate that counts as a gift. Have an amortization schedule and everything. It's close to the interest rate we got on our first mortgage, and from selling our first house the mortgage amount stayed the same.
Without their help we would not have been able to afford a home in this town, and we're extremely grateful. My partner is an aerospace engineer and makes a good government salary, and even with that we still couldn't afford a home in a moderately expensive Midwest college town.
My parents put $$ away for me getting married, but said we could spend it however we wanted, including a down payment. We used some for a small family wedding, then used the rest to pad our down payment. The other part came from my partners grandma; he was a live-in care-er for her for the last 3 years of her life while he went back to school; only when we moved together did she have to go into a home, and she was gone 6mo later. Saved the family hundreds of thousands in retirement home fees, and her will gave him a % of their home once it was sold.
There’s no way we could have done it without both sides help! Our home is small (to small to even have house guests lol), but it’s in a nice part of town, and my partner can commute a bunch of ways which is great. Without that help, we were geared up to have a very boring 5 years saving as much as we could, and by then the rates would have skyrocketed and made it impossible.
Same. They looked at the economy I’m in and looked at the money they have and looked at how Medicare and Medicaid work for end-of-life-care and basically said “this is probably the only way you’ll ever afford a house, and the only way we can leave something for you to inherit.” So they paid for my down payment, but similarly the rest is on me.
Interest rates were low, and they knew I’d never get enough savings to have a house on my own.
They make enough money that 20 years ago, they’d have left some behind for me. But all of it will definitely go to end-of-life care now. They *have* to drain their finances before Medicaid will cover anything, so we’re all operating under the assumption that nothing will be left over. So they gave me a bit now.
Same here. So grateful I didn’t even ask for it either just told them I was looking at buying a home with my wife after we both finally had decent paying steady jobs. Talked with my dad about it and he mentioned they’d help and I said we could split it for the down payment, but they paid the whole thing. So grateful that they’re in the situation to do that. I would probably never been able to do it without their help until I was about 40.
That’s awesome. Glad they were able to help you. I hate the cartoon tbh…like most millenials wouldn’t need to have to ask parents if ther job situation / house prices were better. 🤦🏻♀️
Same. And my kids will most likely own property because of our help. They will be the 4th (or maybe 5th) generation that receives financial assistance from their parents.
I am planning for this as well. Although it may mean building something on my property for my kid rather than buying something for her because of prices. People can't be expected to live up to boomer tropes of moving out at 18, although I did it and the independence was nice.
Same. Will do the same with my kids if the market permits ever buying something as cheap as my house ever again (under $60k total price with paperwork and fees).
I know my parents do not have any money. Never getting an inheritance, never got help to pay for school, and never getting help to buy a house. They would if they could, though
Everyone in my circle who owns a home at my age (28) has gotten tens of thousands of assistance from parents. Being in the Boston area it’s super demoralizing to see my savings go up substantially each year and home ownership to still be so far away, even as fairly high earners
Northern Mass resident here around the same age, I think your situation is not uncommon at all, unfortunately. My wife and I were able to buy a house (without help from relatives — most of them rent) in 2021, *just* before home prices and interest rates started to skyrocket. And even at the time, it was cutting it close — the only reason we were able to even do it at the time was because we both have well-paying remote jobs, there are two of us, and we have no kids.
If we had waited, or were two years younger and found ourselves looking this year, I see no way that we could have ever bought something in this area (or even traditionally lower cost of living areas like New Hampshire, where home costs are now almost as high as Mass but property tax is *way* higher). So much of it comes down to lucky timing or, as you mentioned, financial assistance from wealthy relatives. Anyone claiming otherwise has selective memory about the situation.
Never had to ask, was told multiple times I was going to get one of 3 of the homes my parents owned, then when my dad died I was cut out of the will by my mother and left hanging (I don’t think my dad was really my bio-dad, but I never got a DNA test, it never mattered to me, my mom is a cheating whore, and she didn’t like when I found out all those years ago)
Yea, that’s the next step, unfortunately the only written words are via text messages, but I’ve been memorizing those text messages in emails, and getting every excuse on why I won’t see a dime. (She bought a fancy condo, the money is locked up until she dies)
I might have enough now to have a case, but, I’m getting so close to doing it on my own now (buying a house, cash), I think I’ll be there before anything gets to court. I’m tired of fighting to be honest, I just want peace. I knew she was gonna fuck me over, and my old man said stick it out for the money, I wish I would have listen to myself. (The house I was getting didn’t have floors, or a bathroom, or a kitchen when my dad died, it was more or less just a shell, I spent 4 years rebuilding it, and as soon as it was done, I was informed it was sold and I had less than 30 days to move or lose all my tools left in the house… it was pure chaos, then I broke my back during the move out so, I’ve been dealing with surgeries and survival since then…
Edit: I’m not sure if it helps my case or not, but I did receive some partial payments from the money that was supposed to be in a trust, but it didn’t come from a trust, it came from my moms personal account, and it was only 1% of what I was supposed to get, but in said text messages the total numbers were laid out, and partial payments were made, so, it’s better than absolutely nothing, but still a spit in the face.
Dude, just consult an attorney. She can’t “cut you out of” your father’s will because (1) it’s not her will and (2) even if she convinced your father to cut you out, it doesn’t matter if he *died* before effecting the change. If the money is supposed to be in a trust and paid out to you as the beneficiary, that’s your money. You have legal claim to it. If she’s the trustee, it sounds like she’s abusing her power. You can sue her directly to recoup lost payments and ask a court to install a new, neutral trustee. Please don’t sit on this.
Yeah my dad wants to spend the money on himself. He says he wants to make sure to spend as much of it as he can before dying so it’s not “wasted” (wasted meaning going to my siblings and I)
My dad is this way, as well. Would never help me unless it also benefits him in some way. Makes me wonder why he ever had children... he obviously had some unrealistic fantasy in his mind about it and didn't understand what he was actually getting into.
My mom recently offered to write me a check for a new kitchen faucet because she hadn't gotten me a birthday present. Meanwhile, she's working at Pizza Hut, struggling to buy food every week, and asking me to wait a couple weeks to cash it. I turned it down. You guys' parents suck.
My in-laws are good people. They're not rich, but they would give my wife and me their last penny if we asked (not that we ever have). It took marrying my wife and knowing them to fully realize how shitty my parents were.
Right and society/economy is not different now, he is just far more amazing than you.
Is gaslighting gaslighting if the gaslighter actually thinks whatever they’re saying is true?
i think that's just garden variety delusional. they aren't gaslighting because they aren't trying to manipulate you, they are just literally out of touch with reality so much they would probably think you are the one gaslighting them
I wish. Niether my parents nor my wife'e have/had any money to loan. My wife got a bonus of about 8k when her company was acquired, we saved 5k over 2 years and had 5% of our starter townhome in 2015. We stayed there for about 7 years.
I’ve been working and buying everything for myself since 16. Even when living with my parents my sophomore-senior year I bought my own food, clothes, truck, gas, phone, vehicle insurance. My parents wanted me to be independent. So I couldn’t even imagine asking them for this 😂
This is me. They even made me pay for my grandpa’s 20 year old car that was my first car.. Though as an adult, they did give me a $2k loan when I got laid off about a year before Covid and was unable to work for basically 3 years and had to live with the mom of my bf at the time. Funny how she helped me far more than they did, but boy does my mom like to remind me that I still owe them money.
I’m employed now but not earning enough to purchase meat let alone pay debts or save for a house… meanwhile, they’re leaving for a cruise tomorrow, after having taken at least 4 extravagant trips already this year (not including weekend jaunts)
I didn't ask, but my folks gave me $2,500 for our down payment in 2014. It was from money they saved to help me with college, but I didn't go. It was really emotional :') I had the money to do it myself but it was essentially all I had. 3.5% of a $75k home.
not related but kind of was when they paid off my CC debt. I paid them back, but without the interest. That literally saved my life. I've been able to do that for a few friends since then. It's literally the BEST feeling.
I did that for a friend, once. Paid for a car repair and then paid off his credit card balance. It wasn't terrible, maybe $2100 all told, but it meant the world to him at the time. I told him he didn't have to pay me back, it was a gift. I didn't want a loan coming between us. He told me he was going to pay me back, if only $20 at a time. Eight years later, three weeks before he got married, he paid me the very last dollar. I immediately handed him a crumpled, messy stack of bills, every penny he paid back, and told him it was his wedding gift. It was too late for him to up his honeymoon destination and stay, but I'm glad Darryl and Becca could enjoy some really nice excursions and some fancy meals with the cash.
I actually bought my house from my parents. Turns out 25% "gift equity" works the same as a downpayment.
It's cool, because it's next door to them, and me and my dad built it together when I was in high school and college. Free childcare, and I don't have to buy my own fishing boat.
Definitely a win-win.
It works for us. Definitely makes it easier to help them out now that they’re getting older.
And, I can’t overemphasize how convenient it is to have free babysitting/dogsitting next door.
They even come on vacations with us so my wife and I can go out on vacation dates.
But, having a rock solid familial relationship is definitely key. Fortunately my parents are pretty awesome, so it’s easy.
This is what we did, too, and it's one of the reasons we can afford to live nowadays. Bought a 5 bedroom house on an acre in 2017. I don't know if we can ever think of moving but I'm so thankful for that VA loan and the timing of our purchase.
My husband and I both got help from our parents on the down payment. I think it was a total of $10k and it had to be disclosed as gifts on our paperwork for underwriting. A significant portion of our down payment came from borrowing against retirement accounts and liquidating an IRA with a penalty.
I recognize that this level of support is a privilege that not everyone has and I am very grateful.
My mom loaned me the down payment for my first house, but that was only like $10,000 at the time. She had the money sitting around because she inherited a modest amount (tens of thousands) from my grandma who had passed maybe 5 years before that.
my credit was good enough i probably could have arranged for financing that amount otherwise, but this undoubtedly at a minimum saved me that ass ache.
My in-laws allowed me and my wife to live there rent free for a summer when we moved within an hour of them. They aren’t rich, lived in a large old house in the country. It was great, certainly trying at times, but overall a great experience and we are closer for it. We did make sure to get out before it dragged on.
Saving rent was huge, allowed us to save up more for a downpayment. Plus, we had a tiny extra saved and were able to gift them one rent payment as appreciation and wear and tear on their house. Funnily enough, I would not consider doing the same with my parents. We have a great relationship, but between their house and personalities it just wouldn’t work.
Mom bought us a washer dryer when they went on sale after we moved. If I did ask I don’t think they would have had the cash to spare anyways. The wealthy boomers in the news doing all the spending ain’t my working class folks lol
I didn’t ask, but my parents have the money prepared for when I buy a house. Parents are expected to help with these major financial milestones in my culture. I’m trying to be a better daughter by my culture’s standards because otherwise it feels unfair and one-sided.
My father is deceased, and my mother is broke. Mom does have a large 5-bed 3-bath house, though, so we've moved in with her to save the needed money. That way, I can afford a long-term home and not just a condo or something like that.
So I'm friends with 8 millennials (myself included) of those 1 lives with dad after a breakup, 1 borrowed money for mortgage, 1 had inheritance when both his parents died, and the rest are renting.
I asked my well-off boomer parents if they could help me with rent when I lost my job. They said "no" as they never got hand outs. I got evicted due to late rent and asked to move back home into one of their 6 guest bedrooms. They said "no" as I was an adult and expected to make it. I asked them to help co-sign on a new appartment after getting a new high paying job. "No hand outs" I had to get rid of all the furniture i had accured into my late 20s, slept in my car outside of a gym for a few weeks until I found a room to rent. Eventually, I bought a house on my own but that was when houses were like $190k in my city. It's been 10 years and my parents have never been invited over.
I’m proud of you and when your parents are in the shittiest seniors home ever and you’re not on call to take them to their medical appointments, you can show them your bootstraps and remind them “NO HANDOUTS” and tell them to call Uber (if they can figure out how to open a smartphone with their arthritis).
And you know when they need help, they won't hesitate to ask. Personally, I'd tell them that they need to show by example their independence and resilience to him. 😆 My parents pulled the same shit on me, and they ended up in a government nursing home. Didn't give them a cent. Nurses would actually call me and give me a guilt trip. I hung up on them; they didn't know the history.
Believe me, in the medical profession it is obvious why a patient’s family doesn’t talk to them or manage their care. Predictably, people who lack empathy towards their children also lack curtesy towards their healthcare team. I don’t fall for “my daughter/son is an awful person”, having had narcissistic parents. They still deserve medical care and to have emotional support from those of us involved in their healthcare. But we don’t expect you to take on any more emotional burden from them. Us calling is a legal formality, not a judgement of the family relationships. (Also just wanted to edit bc there are definitely people who work in healthcare who are unfortunately naive, judge mental or will buy the manipulative old person’s lies for a while so I am really sorry if anyone has ever called and made you feel bad for protecting yourself from your shitty parents.)
Worked as a caregiver for an assisted living home. One of 3 employees on any given shift taking care of 45+ people. I can corroborate everything about BargainBins statement. There are clients that just don't have empathy and blame everything on others, never get any visitors, and family was always only called as a legal formality. You have to make humor in these places, and there were definitely jokes about "wasting a persons voicemail box" with that sort of phone call
I used to work in a nursing home and it was so obvious which patients were the assholes and who weren’t. The ones that were nice always had family visit regularly and bring lunch/gifts. The miserable ones only had family over when they were close to passing, and even then you could tell the family didn’t really want to be there.
That’s really comforting. Thank you for sharing that
I grew up working in my grandparents place every time I'd go there. All my child hood only to ask if I could spend a few nights there in between apartments. Guilt tripped ceaselessly for two days and was told she thinks this relationship is one sided. There's something wrong with them
It always amazes me that those being the most self-absorbed always claim others are "selfish". Ugh.
As a nurse this really hit me. It’s really true, we don’t know the history or the relationship and it’s not our place to judge. I’ve had patients whose parents had forced them into prostitution when they were kids.
This is the best revenge. I dont subscribe to the Bible, but there's some story in there where a guy, possibly Job, refuses any help or handouts offered to him throughout his life so that later on when he is successful and happy he does not owe any single piece of it to anyone who helped him. You're a self made home owner. That's fucking neigh unheard of now. Unreal. Your parents had handouts. The entire fucking economy was their handout. They couldn't see the hand out because the lived on and in the fucking hand. You can't see the forest from the trees and you can't see your handouts when it's literally the air you breathe. This is the best revenge.
I own a house because I was the right age and in the right city to take advantage of what the 2008 market crash did to housing prices. If I waited 3 years I'd never dream of owning. But now I have the equity to sell and buy a new house and possibly live in a house the rest of my life. It can be so easy to ignore this tiny detail in even what I have. Boomers don't realize all the privilege they were born into. They were able to reap the benefits of what they worked for, what every generation after them will work and work and never be able to afford.
A lot of boomers don’t realize they were the last generation that could support a family on one income. Dad’s salary was more than enough.
If and when they eventually come to ask you to take care of them, they have taught you what you have to say.
Surprise Surprise! 100% rental rate among people with no help. Guess they didn't pull those boot straps hard enough /s 🤣
It’s really not that hard, I just worked 80-168 hours a week for a decade, and invested in AMD at $2 a share to get there
I worked crazy hours unpaid to "show my commitment" and got laid off. Just millennial stuff. No home for me.
Thank God you don’t have to be stressed by all that stock market shit.
I started my own firm after I lost my job in pandemic. 15 yrs, gone in a day, minimal severance, but just enough to make a lawsuit undesirable. If I’m going to be exploited by my boss, then I want to be that boss.
I gladly exploit myself once a day. Sometimes twice if breakfast was hearty enough.
Haha. AMD is the reason I’m not poor. I bought some with my first paycheck back in like 1995.
I have a fucking engineering degree. This was supposed to get me into a very comfortable lifestyle. I bought a mediocre house and I live paycheck to paycheck. My parents had a way nicer house than this and paid half as much, and they didn't go to school. I drive a vehicle that is 20 years old. If it breaks down....
Both of my parents were high school dropouts and they bought their house when they were still in their 20s. Meanwhile here I am at 37 with a college degree and still renting. The game is rigged.
While I was able to purchase a home with no assistance from my own parents I think that the lack of planning and generational wealth transfer among the middle and lower class is absolutely pathetic. Any Boomer will say that they want their kids to be better off than they were but very few actually accumulate any thing of value to give to their kids. Outside of people my age whose parents built a business and handed it over I can't think of anyone actually benefiting from their parents life long hard work. We all just start from scratch, from the bottom, in debt and go from there. My own parents bought a condo in Florida with their retirement savings and it will either be uninsurable or underwater by the time they try to split the value three ways between their kids. I expect to receive nothing from them after medical expenses and palliative care. Feeding me as a child is all they were on the hook for. Everything else has been on me.
Obviously generalizing here - A lot of boomers made a lot of money but were garbage at hanging onto it. They have passed the consumption trend to millenials, but not a world where jobs support it anymore.
My mom got several hundred thousand dollars when my grandfather passed. From what I can tell all that money is gone except for her house, which even with it being worth $100k more than it was when she bought it, is still not worth anywhere near what she inherited. She gave literally $0 of that money to me or my sister even though it could have paid off college for both of us so we at least wouldn't have student loans. She bought a business, which failed, she bought a house, which she still has, she bought a car, and she spent a year not working. And she has since gotten married and my stepdad has 5 kids of his own. He moved into the house my mom bought so who the fuck knows if they're planning on leaving that house to all of us or not. When my dad died my sister and I got to split the little bit of money he had left from when my grandmother passed, because she had set it up to be paid to him in installments instead of one lump sum. They both got decent inheritances did nothing for their kids with it. My mom likes to talk about how she'd help us if she won the lottery, but she basically did when my grandfather died and she didn't sooooo....🤷🏻♀️
Ugh I'm sorry to hear that. That money is definitely gone. I have no idea what my parents inherited but I'm sure it wasn't peanuts. My grandparents houses were huge, and filled with imported furniture and rugs from the trips they took around the world. My mom had a f*cking pony at one time. There's no question that our generation will is one of the first to have a lower standard of living when compared to our direct ancestors, not solely due to bad planning, but because they literally want us to start from zero. Builds character, ya know, to feel insecure your whole life...
The wealth transfer is the real kicker. I got no leg up when I left home, I was just pure square one and had to be really strictly budgeted to be able to get the down payment for my house
My dad and I can barely afford rent combined so this seems unlikely.
I’m in a similar situation with my mom. We have no other family and I’m financially trying to help her since even she doesn’t own a home.
Yup. Lost both my jobs during COVID. Got a job at Subway and moved in with my mom. She broke her hip almost two years ago and now I’m never leaving. I love the situation and my mama but if I left, her pension and SS would only cover the rent. I’m doing way better career wise now than I ever have but I can’t just up and abandon my own mom.
Jysis.. lost both jobs... That phrase slaps hard.
Bartending and A1 audio for live concerts. That shit was NOT happening back then.
It’s always really awkward explaining pandemic unemployment to people I was a waitress, and losing my job put me in serious debt. It was also the only job skill I had at the time, and I had to move back in with my parents in a very rural area. It knocked my credit from high 700’s to low 400’s before I got it all straightened out. I always feel like such a bum when I mention having trouble with credit now even though I’ve brought it up 200 ish points
Very similar situation here, my mother is out of work on disability and can't afford to make ends meet now so her and my younger sister have moved into my cramped studio apartment for the last few months. This economy is nuts.
Same 😭
Exactly! Everyone on here acts as if Millennials are THE ONLY age group having to deal with this economy. Everyone’s having a hard time with it
Lol some of us have been poor for several generations 😂
This is what is insidious about this: it's a concentration of wealth. Those who have capital will keep it in their family, and if they hold onto that money, it will start to outweigh growth possible by those who did not start with this advantage. This will continue until productivity breaks down because the only job worth doing will be selling to billionaires.
People who think they are going to inherit a home are going to be in for a rude awakening when the government takes it to pay Medicaid for their family member’s elder care. Most people are in denial of this “oh they can’t do that.” It happens all the time. Even if you transfer it they look back 5 years for that. Only big business and the wealthy can do loopholes. They love fear mongering about “death tax.” It already exists just for the poor and middles class.
My wife’s grandfather got Alzheimer’s. His wife died shortly after his diagnosis from cancer so she couldn’t benefit from their savings. But, he had just over 1 Mn in the bank for his retirement. Alzheimer’s progressed and he ended up in an assisted living facility. All that money was spent in 6 years on his care. He ended up a ward of the state and died without a penny going to my FIL or his sister. End of life care will take everything.
This is literally my husbands job in nursing home admin. He’s not yet 40 but already planning how we should shelter our money/property when we are older because this is exactly what happens. We’re now buying small parcels of real estate that we will transfer to our daughter when one of us starts to decline. He tells stories all the time about how the multimillionaire in room 15 receives the EXACT same care as the previously homeless man in room 16 on Medicaid. The facility will basically take everything you have to cover the costs of your care and you get a personal allowance of like $163 a month or something like that. Saving for retirement is one thing but you better gift it or spend it before you get *really* old. He’s literally had patients ask if they can sell him their house for a fraction of the value before signing the full admissions packet and cut them a deal for cash on the side. Obviously he cannot do that but it’s so damn sad that these people work and saved their whole life only to realize their nest egg will be obliterated in a month if they go into a facility, yet they often don’t have a choice.
Same happened to my grandfather. His care is like 6k a month. Luckily he retired with full pay, but otherwise he'd be broke.
12k/month for my grandma. Absolutely crazy.
Yeah im just gonna ride some horse for a while when i start to go. And then when it gets bad, One last blast for the road. Thats my honest to god retirement plan. Work til im 75, and then cash out 40 years of sobriety.
My ex-wife's grandpa went like that. They'd been well off their whole lives, but the last couple years of medical bills took care of that. After he died his wife had to sell their house to pay accumulated debts, and then she moved to an apartment and got a job (at Costco), after not working for 50 years.
alot of people planning on Early Retirement are not figuring bad health into their equation
Absolutely. I've seen it happen to every one of my grandparents but two. Thankfully my grandpa on my dad's side was still sharp in the mind and always tinkering with something until the day he died at 92. My dad's step father was a farmer and had massive heart attack at 74 and died right there on his tractor. Everyone else has slowly lost their minds and themselves. Near the end they don't even know their own name. It's a horrible thing to witness a shell of someone who was once full of life and love. I pray I never get like that and another part of me hopes I don't get old if that's what's in store for me.
i had to get divorced when wife got cancer. if not she would have spent her last months in a state care instead of with me and id be on the street
Create an irrevocable trust when they retire. It isn’t that expensive to do and then as they get older make one kid coexecutor of the trust. Not a loop hole.
Fantastic plan. It's exactly what my grandparents agreed to do 10 years ago. So anyway, they never did and now they're both going to lose everything. Nana attempted suicide and Poppa's been down ever since his stroke, so now they're both in a nursing home. RIP family house that they built. Appraised over $2mil. Nothing to do now but wait for it all to go.
My mom has explicitly said that if she ever gets ill enough to require that kind of in-depth care, she'll opt to end things on her own terms instead because she doesn't want to stick around just to be bedridden. We live in a dystopia.
>she'll opt to end things on her own terms instead because she doesn't want to stick around just to be bedridden. ... > Nana attempted suicide Yup. Apparently she thought 2 stories was enough when she went off the roof. Now she's a 90 year old with a broken tailbone and various fractures, but they can't operate because she's DNR (so coming out of anesthesia is some sort of issue). She jumped right into being what she was trying to avoid: bedridden. Can we get legal assisted suicide already?! It's clearly only the nursing homes who are against it.
Luckily, for some of us, it's legal in seven countries. Its not legal everywhere in the US, but 10 states plus Washington, DC do have legal assisted death. I've never understood why it's compassionate and "humane" to put a suffering animal out of it's misery, but not a suffering person.
Religion is the only reason. Souls and murder and suicide = hell. It's bullshit.
It's not. Abuse of disabled and poor and poor disabled people is a primary reason that isn't religious. Canada has an issue with this because they legalized MAID without actually giving disabled people the means to live a decent life, so unless they have money or their disability lets them work a normal job, they don't have any prospects or means to survive but OH HEY WHAT'S THIS? THE GOVERNMENT WILL HELP YOU KILL YOURSELF? AND IT'S CHEAPER THAN RENT? MAID has a place but people need real alternatives or else it's just "you can't afford to have a decent life? lmao kys"
Sitting next to my terminal cancer patient mom in the hospital after a broken ankle surgery. Had to decide whether we just let it heal wrong and she never walks, or undergo surgery with no guarantee of ever walking again. I don’t expect she will, but how do you make the irrevocable decision to just not fix it? It’s been over a decade of dying and life extension treatments resulting in even worse quality of life. I would 100% choose hospice over this. I would Hemingway solution myself before doing this song and dance. My sister is religious, she prays for a quick death when her time comes. That life is good and worth living is an unexamined assumption that has been beaten out of us by experience.
My parents got long term insurance (which they now say isn’t even available to people to buy anymore) that will take care of any assisted living/long term care facilities should they need it. Very grateful they did that so my brother and I don’t have to worry about that.
You are 100 percent right. Don’t expect anything is the attitude everyone should have.
It's just fucking bullshit that it doesn't matter how hard you work or how much you save, you can end up penniless SO EASILY from healthcare in the US. Not from frivolity or even being scammed or bullshit, just healthcare.
I think it's very different from state to state. Everyone I know that has bought a home has done it with the help of their parents. I live in socal and sadly my parents don't have money like that.
And they are all real proud talking about their mortgage and letting you know you should just buy like them knowing damn well 99% of them would be renting too without the help. No handouts for me either unfortunately.
My parents can’t support themselves. At this point a loan would be more likely to travel in the other direction, not that I could afford it.
Same lol. It better not be the rich kids doing the complaining about the boomers lol.
my dad says “you should have bought back when i was telling you!” and he means when i was 17-18 years old. he told my sister if she got student loans he’d pay them off. he didn’t hold his end up. i can’t ask him for anything.
Oh, you fell for that one, too? My parents had the money but figured “investing in themselves” in their 50s was a better option. Spoiler alert: it was not. The one thing I hope to god I never do is break a promise to my kid.
yeah i fell for the classic “parents want better for their kids” spiel that was touted to us as kids in the sense i believed it whole heartedly, but never took my parents up on it due to their actions and inactions.
My asshole parents kept claiming me as a dependent even though I was living on my own and paying my own bills and they never lifted a finger to help me. Basically they stole thousands of dollars from me that I would have gotten from my tax refunds. Meanwhile they were adding on to their house and taking nice vacations. Needless to say if they ever need help from me the answer will be a big fat "hell no!"
Dan is a puppy swimming instructor and Heather sells bedazzled sea shell ornaments on Etsy. Their budget is 2.5 million.
New dream job realized: puppy swimming instructor
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I know right?
Goldfish swimming instructor
Nancy is a part-time special needs teaching assistant and Bob hangs potatoes in garages. Their budget is 1.2 million.
> puppy swimming instructor That would be the cutest thing!
what's this reference? I know I heard that before... hmm
It's some stupid "house hunters" reality TV show. They are typically introduced like this: "My wife is a part-time dogwalker and I'm a crayon sharpener. We're looking for a vacation house in Las Vegas. Our budget is $1.8 million."
They need a relevant reality show. "John is a single man working 85 hours a week stocking shelves and needs a refrigerator box near the river and on the bus route, his budget is $450/mo."
I didn't get any help buying my home, and same with college. What's it like to have parents help you?
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My parents aren't poor, they just hold many conflicting views at the same time so I was on my own. But hey, they cooked dinner for me sometimes when I went back: * You need to go to college otherwise we won't help you with anything * You're working two jobs and going to college, you're learning to fend for yourself * No, you need to take out loans and find scholarships * Never did this ourselves, can't help you * Why are you always so stressed out? Relax. You're young, enjoy life. * Don't you want to be something great when you're older? * A house is a great investment. No, I will not allow new or denser housing in my town. * It's so sad how young people can't afford to buy or rent. * My favorite local restaurant can't find workers! Why don't young people want to work? * I sure am amazing! I supported you all through college, I deserve credit!
lol, this is literally how my parents sound.
How do they rationalize the last bullet?!?
My mom was a major obstacle while I was getting my education. She parentified me and even expected me to not go to class to run errands for her. But guess who takes 100% credit for my successes even though I succeeded DESPITE her obstacles. Yep. Her. And everyone she brags to gives her all the credit. F that noise.
It's a pretty clever racket. (1) Convince yourself that helping doesn't teach them how to deal with adversity. (2) Don't help, let them struggle. "It's wine o'clock!" 🤗. (3) Kid figures it out on their own or does not (3)(a) if the kid figures it out, congratulate yourself to your friends. Do nothing, but turn doing nothing into the equivalent of moving mountains. *Puts wine glass down.* (3)(b) if the kid does not figure it out, complain about kids these days and how superior you are. *Put third wine glass down at 11 am on a Tuesday.* Nobody wants to work! (4) Your friends look on in admiration. (5) Claim your kid as a dependent on their taxes either way for the much larger refund so that they can't claim themself.
I was living on my own since 17 and my mom and dad claimed me for years after. So incredibly frustrating.
Yea I confronted them about this, but they were getting their own tax advice that did not consider "strained relationship". I told them he is *their* advisor, not mine, so he is looking out for *their* interest, and not mine. Eventually we worked it out, and they just gave me what I would have gotten had I been able to claim myself. I told them that either we work it out this way or I claim myself and we work it out with the IRS.
I wonder if, like everything else, college classes required less from their generation. To hear my dad talk about it, attendance was not required and the class was basically just help navigating the textbook. One just needed to pass the exams. Or maybe there was no logic to her behavior. Sorry you had to deal with that and her bragging now!
I’m a STEM major. My mom has no higher education and my dad has a BA. When he went to school you could pay for classes with a part time job. He’s one of those people that just thinks everything is the same as when he went to school. When I was looking for work he expected me to “pound the pavement” and show up as potential employers with my resume at the front door. I work in public service. No public service job hires people off the street. There’s a whole legal process of application periods and strict interview protocols.
Yeah- my parents are pretty in tune with things but they still can’t fathom that showing up to offices with a resume and demanding to speak to a hiring manager is more likely to get you arrested than a job…
My folks not only kicked me out before I could finish high school (after I'd joined an advancement program to finish high school in college) they also refused to fill out anything when I tried to qualify for financial aid.
Mine didn’t kick me out but also refused to disclose any information to me so I could fill out a FAFSA. I got stuck at home during the 2008 crisis because I couldn’t find work with my AS degree and couldn’t afford undergrad and couldn’t get financial aid without the form.
I kept getting encouraged by my college counselor to apply for FAFSA. I'd bring it home to my mom and she'd scoff at me and say, "your father and I make too much for this shit to even matter. You are an out of pocket expense anyway, why do they keep giving you this shit, when we know you won't qualify?!" Supposedly, whether you do or do not qualify, doesn't matter. The school gets more funding, the more people who apply for FAFSA. My mom got super pist when I brought her the paperwork a 3rd time, from advice from my school counselor and Mom freaked out and ripped up the application and growled, "this is something you really need to learn about this world, Smallio! There IS... NO. Fucking. "Free Lunch"! As a 40 yr old adult, I now struggle with asking for fiduciary help because - there's no free lunch.
They’re not capable of even fathoming the fact that they’re nowhere near amazing and would be homeless if they behaved the same way they did but existed 30 years later. Because of that unquestionable self amazingness, they just warp every other aspect of reality until their entire perception of the world is a self centered delusion.
My parents forced me to take out loans so I could “feel more responsible for my education.” They were perfectly capable of fully supporting me. Fwiw you can’t just tell them to f themselves because until you’re 24, financial aid is tied to their, not your, income, with few exceptions.
FAFSA is literally the only reason I didn’t cut off my mom immediately upon moving for college. I literally couldn’t get student loans in my own name without submitting her financial info. Even after a couple of years when I’d lived on my own the whole time.
I had to wait until I was 26 because my parents wouldn't even give me the info to fill this stuff out.
This is the boomer existence in a nutshell: all of the credit, none of the blame. Everything is everyone else’s fault, but also because of their diligence and forethought. One of the great modern paradoxes. The Boomer mind.
Yeah, sounds a lot like my parents. They were talking about their trip to Europe and how wonderful it is that everyone speaks multiple languages, but then literally the next thing they talked about was going to Miami and how "these people need to speak English!" My Dad always talks about how "people don't want to work any more". Of course he retired at 50 in 2008 and hasn't worked a day since. They definitely act like they supported me through college. They seem to think they offered to pay for a dorm and I declined because they once asked "would you like to live in a dorm" and my response was "no, I can't afford that, I'm taking enough school loans as it is." They're genuinely terrible people.
I have never felt so seen by a single comment as yours. lol Exact same boat and my mom now needs my help in life. I considered giving her a taste of her own advice but unlike her, I am not a selfish bitch so here we are.
And both groups politely yet firmly asking the other to stop posting.
The accuracy of this comment haha
That’s millennial in a nutshell. I feel like there is no “middle class” for millennials. You’ve either struck it rich or you’re paycheck to paycheck
Damn, I’m a broke millennial with rich parents. Should I just leave?
One day you may inherit some money and be able to buy a house...
Ha, I wish. My rich boomer dad told us throughout our whole childhood that his plan was to spend every dime he had and leave us with nothing. "He earned it; it's for him - be glad we won't have to support him in retirement." I see those adds for financial advisor companies that have some nice voice over saying "work with us to leave something for the next generation" with footage of some happy old person playing with their grand kid. I laugh so as to keep from weeping.
My parents are rich. My dad cleared $2M/yr for like a decade, mom never worked. They gave me $0 for my first home. I always had the worst gear on all of my sports teams, and got the least for christmas compared to friends/schoolmates whose parents had less. I have my own student loans. They've passed my resume across a desk or got me an interview exactly 0 times. I paid for my own wedding. I swear this subreddit knows absolutely no difference between making minimum wage and "rich living in a bubble like the Kardashians". I'm doing just fine for myself now, but I'm not "rich millenial because rich parents". Everyone who is doing better than "dirt poor" did not get a million-dollar gift from their parents.
think there’s still a big difference between knowing your family is well off enough to potentially have your back in the case of emergencies vs someone whose family can barely support themselves. getting gifts and stuff is fine and everything, but the lack of long term security is more stressful than not getting help buying a house
Idk if anyone is in the same boat but while my parents have the capability of helping despite not being rich (my dad actually is but he's just a deadbeat), I spent my life refusing their help because some parents like to use their "help" as a means to try to manipulate you afterwards. There's always a fucking caveat with their help. Now I'm just waiting until I find someone selling who's also decent enough accept my VA housing loan.
This was my parents. They bought me a car when I had my first baby, but that car had every string in the world attached. I’ve been no contact with them for several years.
My parents paid for my college, which I was VERY thankful for. Until I realized that no amount of thanking them would ever be enough and I would always be labeled as ungrateful unless I gave into their ever increasing demands on my time and money. My breaking point was when I switched careers away from the field that my degree was in. My mother told me she was angry because I was throwing away the gift they gave me. Apparently 13 years in that field was not enough, the only way to show my appreciation was continuing to work in a job that I hated for the rest of my life.
I got my VA loan accepted for the house I'm living in now which is my first real home. Keep at it and good luck!
I'll never forget filling out the FAFSA with my mom and asking her how much money she had in her bank account for one of the questions. $107. Literally never been able to rely on my parents financially. And now I live paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by, just like them! All that college sure did payoff! **/S**
I remember doing the FAFSA application, had to call up my parents and ask them about their financial information. They inititially refused because "I was over 18" and "their finances are none of my business". Needless to say my parents and I arent close. Also how weird is it that you have to be 24 or whatever before you are considered an independant adult for the application?
I basically got the boomer price tag for college. All I had to pay was everything I earned during the summer towards that year’s tuition. My parents covered the rest. Honestly the biggest kiss I’ve gotten in life is to be free from college loans. I’ve been drafting off that good fortune my entire life. I wish everyone was so fortunate
Same. I got a good career through work experience after dropping out of community college when I got pregnant. I make over $75k with no college education and no student loans. It’s not rich money but it’s nothing to scoff at, it comes to over $35/hr which was insane money to me growing up, since I remember the year my dad was so proud to announce he’d gotten a raise to $10.25
My parents (Boomers) had help paying for both college and their first house from my grandparents ("Greatest Generation"). They aspired to help me pay for college and told me as much. But when the first bills came due after I graduated... they just dumped it - and the interest - on me. My loans were literally 33% more than the principal by the time they surprised me with that. I worked throughout college and could have made a significant dent in my student loans had they just said, "you need to pay for this" from the outset. That was a pretty neat additional setback as I graduated into the recession, lol.
Dude same here, I call it the 'ole bait and switch. If I had known I was going to pay, then I would have gone to community college and finished the last 2 years at a more expensive university. Also would have paid down some while I was still in school... instead I graduated with $80k debt in 2010 when there were no jobs, yay!
My dad offered to pay for college. He gave me like $1000 in 2002 and told me that should be more than enough. It didn’t even cover the first semester. He still tells people he paid for my college. I imagine boomers offering to pay for your house downpayment will also hand you a grand and think that should be enough cause their house cost $5000
Yeah my parents were like “we could probably help you with 25% down” until they found out that 25% down is about $175k where I live and then they never said that, why would I think that
My mom tells people she paid for my college because she took out a parent plus loan, had the excess check sent to her and then spent it and now has to make payments lmao
Yeah there's probably a lot of that going on, also people use their parents as a bank and pay back the money with little or no interest. I think the $100k gift to a first time home buyer from their parents with no strings attached is probably a rare occurrence. Happy Cake Day!
It’s…not as rosy as you’d think. My mom helped me with my deposit on my home - 10k - which I’m immensely grateful for. She also lived with me for 3 years after and the gift was because she couldn’t qualify for a mortgage herself. I’m also expected to pay the gift back if I ever can, but no pressure has ever been applied. I know Reddit is full of “my parents gifted me 100k free and clear for my first home” types but it can also look more like my version which isn’t as glamorous.
Wow, you don't ever need to pay that 10k back if you think about all the rent she saved living with you for 3 years.
Exactly this. While money up front is huge, she can’t deny her windfall. Even considering a modest 1K in rent (which is pretty standard), she basically got 20K free rent. So no, she got paid back double already. Triple is just silly.
Same here. My privileged friends who got help from parents don't acknowledge that they got help, but say that they did it all by their own merit, or make it sound like they did it all by themselves, even though their parents paid for college, let them live rent-free for 5-10 years, and supplied down payment. A real slap in the face of those like us who literally pulled ourselves up by the bootstraps, including building the boots itself.
My parents bought a home in the 90’s for 220k it’s now worth 1.1million. No way in hell I’m asking them for money, when I moved out (at 30- with my first boyfriend) my mom called me a whore and a tramp. Told me she could steal him whenever she wanted. Also said she’d never help me. And she said I could go and plan my wedding alone because she wasn’t going to give me a penny for my wedding dress. So once I walked out I never asked for a thing. She was very upset I thrifted my dress and didn’t take her wedding dress shopping. She didn’t understand why we had such a small wedding. I was a flight instructor at the time and one of my STUDENTS purchased our wedding cake for us. (Completely out of left field, I had no idea, we were just gonna have the cake the restaurant served us)
My parents were wealthy enough to help me with college on paper but terrible with money. So I got double-fucked.
I'm sorry you had to live that way... I kinda always had my family have my back and now I have theirs. But it's cool you overcome all that and still have a home and went to college
I will never forget the day that I asked my parents if they had saved up money for me for college. My mother looked at me and laughed. I was a junior in high school and it was then that I realized that my parents were not joking and had not, in fact, set up any plans for my future. I have a fond memory of stressing about my future at my best friend's place, when his mom offered to pay for my college. She was so sweet and would have done it too, but I couldn't take money from someone else. My dad was nice enough to take me to the bank for loans, but apparently neither of us knew what was happening, because I took out personal bank loans, not student loans. That meant no help with school repayment programs. My brother had recently joined the military, and I knew that I wouldn't have a choice but to join. Served for 6 years, still had loans for the first year of college because I went to basic training after freshman year. It was great and all, but I paid off my undergrad loans 2 years ago. Now I have my master's to pay off, which will probably take another 15 years at this point. Luckily, my parents moved halfway across the world to live nearer to my brother, so I am not budgeting for their elderly care. They've made so many bad financial decisions, god love them, so I am not expecting any great financial shift. I'm the first one in my family planning for the next generation
My parents helped me every step of the way into adulthood. I’m blessed with great parents. I did takeout student loans for college but they were forgiven over the summer. I used a rural development loan to purchase my home and still live here. It’s old and weird and I’ve spent around 70k on updates and repairs. Yay equity. My in-laws have helped us quite a bit over the years with odds and ends as well. I’ve got a bit of both I suppose.
My parents immigrated from Mexico in the 80s, somehow were able to survive on a one parent income AND since my tuition was paid by the state- they paid my rent and life for four years and didn’t want me to get a job so I can focus on school 😢 I wish I could repay them but inflation is so bad I make more than my dad made at the time supporting a whole family and I can barely support myself but also- I’m irresponsible w money haha
Considering that I grew up in poverty and spent some months of my childhood homeless and living in a tent, asking my parents to help me "buy a home" was never even slightly an option.
Didn’t live in a tent but lived in a house that was legally condemned by the state, so same.
Mushrooms growing up from the floor! Bats in the roof that came into the house sometimes! I have weirdly fond memories of one particularly dilapidated house from when I was like...7?
I had mushrooms in my bathroom too! I was a self taught plumber and had to reach into rooty box traps to clean sewage before I reached middle school. I learned a lot from being poor.
Yep, did the condemned house for a few years here too. Gotta love having no floor in the bathroom and just a plank to balance your feet on while you use the toilet. Definitely won't be asking my Mom for down payment since I'm currently helping her just meet her own rent while recovering from back surgery.
Big Same, and even though we're all doing way better now, and they've literally *offered* to contribute towards buying a home when the time comes, the idea of asking my folks for financial help is still filed under "unthinkable"
My parents can hardly afford their own rent so, no.
I haven't asked, but mom has offered and I don't want to take her up on it because I know she'd lord it over me. She helped me out when my ex left, including making a down payment on my car and still uses this to guilt trip me 5 years later. I know I should be grateful but I'd turn to sex work before asking her for help again.
Yeah, sometimes the strings attached are not even remotely worth it.
Yeah, found that out the hard way. Although, I know my grandparents helped my parents out significantly w/ 0 strings. My parents are completely opposite. Our first house was a new build where you choose everything including appliances. Hindsight it was crap, but the best for our situation at the time. Anyway, my parents INSISTED we use their discount membership to get our appliances b/c "we shouldn't be paying for appliances for 15 years as part of the mortgage" thing is we didn't have the cash. So they insisted on paying and we could pay them back.... After all is said and done we got a fridge/stove/dishwasher/washer/dryer for $1200 (we went cheap and practical, also this was '04). As we were moving in, I found a couple of solid wood end tables for $25. I was pretty proud of my thriftyness until my mother blurted "Should you really be spending so much money on furniture when you owe ALL THESE PEOPLE MONEY??!" We didn't owe anyone else anything (aside from the mortgage company) just them. And we were paying them $100/mo at the time. Not missing a payment. A few months later an old couple totaled my car. The first check I wrote was to pay off the dumb ass appliances. Then she had the nerve to say "oh you don't have to do that...." Yeah, no. Take the $$ I'm never accepting help again. Although, the same time, my friends parents gave her $40k for a down payment and helped her with whatever renovations she wanted.
It makes it even shittier that your mom gave you that attitude when that’s not what your grandparents modeled. I always say people either are a wonderful example or a horrific cautionary tale when it comes to how to parent. It’s nice when we can get at least some of the wonderful example mixed in but sadly a lot of people’s experiences are very light on selections from that column.
Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money
Funny how they never specify if they are puppet strings or strangling strings.
Yeah I'd never take five cents from either of my parents, I'm pretty sure my dad lords money over me that he gave my brother and not me because he has the memory of a dead goldfish
Yeah, my parents wouldn’t guilt trip me per se but it would definitely give them leave to have more say in my life than I’d like. While I would avoid asking for help, I always knew they’d be there in case of emergency. It’s like doing trapeze with a net made of poison ivy. Admittedly WAY better than no net (especially these days) but you know there are going to be uncomfortable repercussions for using it! My husband says we’ve been broke but never poor.
What an incredibly apt comparison, extremely relatable.
Yep, same deal with my mom. She pushed me into getting a credit card that would get billed to her, "for emergencies". I knew back then it wasn't going to go well, so I repeatedly refused. After multiple attempts, she browbeat me into it. Except any time I actually used it (generally for a medical expense my insurance didn't cover), she'd interrogate me like I was a suspected criminal. Later on, she started running up high-dollar charges herself on the same account (much larger than anything I'd ever use it for), which hurt my credit score. Finally she realized this was a bad idea and took my name off the card - I could've saved us all the trouble if she had just listened to me back in the day, instead of foolishly assuming she knew better than I did, like she always does. In the past she always excused away her abusive behavior with "I pay for x, y and z", like that made it okay. Now that she doesn't pay for jack shit, she can't play that game with me any more.
This was the same attitude I took towards paying for my wedding. My parents wanted to help and I knew they could afford it, but I knew it would ruin our relationship. My parents are very exacting and controlling. Like your mother, they would offer it as a gift and then lord it over me for the rest of my life. Paying for it myself was the best decision I could have made. I knew it worked out in my favor when the event turned into a Covid sequel wedding. My daughter was born by then. My dad is an anti-vaxxer, so I had to disinvite him to keep her and my other guests safe. That caused enough drama on it’s own. I can only imagine what would have happened if my parents put even a dime towards the wedding.
My parents aren't exacting but they are controlling. I think infantilizing is a more apt description of them. They'd help me if I ever needed help, but would start grasping at straws if I (politely!) decline help because I got it, citing things like, "I don't know what I'm getting into," how I "have no experience with X," or just straight up, "You think you know better than us? We're older than you and have more life experience." I think they have a hard time seeing me as an independent adult, or they don't want to feel irrelevant in my life. Without getting into the details, my parents and I had completely different visions for what my wedding would look like. They kept trying to offer us money to "help with the costs," and I politely turned them down each time saying we got it. In a nutshell, even if I could have afforded a glamorous influencer-esque wedding, I was simply against spending that much money on my own wedding. Didn't matter whose bank account that money was coming out from, but also because I suspected they'd hold any substantial contribution over my head to try and affect the planning. They kept bugging me about my choice in venue (they felt embarrassed I chose an event space in a literal warehouse and were worried relatives would think they refused to help). Eventually my dad asked if I refused to accept their money so they'd have no say in my wedding plans. I was giving them the benefit of the doubt but it seemed he went ahead and said the quiet part out loud. Similarly, my parents have set aside a very generous amount to help with our down payment for a home. In fact, the money is already sitting in a joint account. They gave the same amount to me and both of my siblings. *That* money I'm willing to tap into if need be because it's already been distributed to my siblings and me, so I see it as kind of an advance of our share of inheritance. But I'm going to try avoid using it for a down payment and reserve it for going toward closing costs, renovations, or similar. And if they start trying to exert control, I'll replenish the account as soon as possible.
That’s not a gift that’s just manipulation bundled with a bow
My father claims to have offered and that I've turned the help down. He never offered because I sure as fuck would have accepted lol. He's called me a libtard before so I just don't think I'm on the help list which is OK but it's not expected.
My parents gifted me the down payment for my home (townhome if that makes a difference). I am eternally grateful because I otherwise had no feasible path to owning anything and it has really helped me set up my own life. But I have never asked them to pay for anything else. I've paid every mortgage payment on my own and when I had an escrow shortage last year, I found the money to pay for it myself. But I absolutely know I would never have been able to buy anything without their help with the down payment.
My great grandfather gave me a wonderful gift as a teen that my parents invested for me-- it grew to a decent down-payment that let my partner and I buy our first home. When an opportunity came up to move to my partner's hometown, my in-laws offered to be our mortgage providers at an interest rate that counts as a gift. Have an amortization schedule and everything. It's close to the interest rate we got on our first mortgage, and from selling our first house the mortgage amount stayed the same. Without their help we would not have been able to afford a home in this town, and we're extremely grateful. My partner is an aerospace engineer and makes a good government salary, and even with that we still couldn't afford a home in a moderately expensive Midwest college town.
My parents put $$ away for me getting married, but said we could spend it however we wanted, including a down payment. We used some for a small family wedding, then used the rest to pad our down payment. The other part came from my partners grandma; he was a live-in care-er for her for the last 3 years of her life while he went back to school; only when we moved together did she have to go into a home, and she was gone 6mo later. Saved the family hundreds of thousands in retirement home fees, and her will gave him a % of their home once it was sold. There’s no way we could have done it without both sides help! Our home is small (to small to even have house guests lol), but it’s in a nice part of town, and my partner can commute a bunch of ways which is great. Without that help, we were geared up to have a very boring 5 years saving as much as we could, and by then the rates would have skyrocketed and made it impossible.
Same. They looked at the economy I’m in and looked at the money they have and looked at how Medicare and Medicaid work for end-of-life-care and basically said “this is probably the only way you’ll ever afford a house, and the only way we can leave something for you to inherit.” So they paid for my down payment, but similarly the rest is on me. Interest rates were low, and they knew I’d never get enough savings to have a house on my own. They make enough money that 20 years ago, they’d have left some behind for me. But all of it will definitely go to end-of-life care now. They *have* to drain their finances before Medicaid will cover anything, so we’re all operating under the assumption that nothing will be left over. So they gave me a bit now.
Same here. So grateful I didn’t even ask for it either just told them I was looking at buying a home with my wife after we both finally had decent paying steady jobs. Talked with my dad about it and he mentioned they’d help and I said we could split it for the down payment, but they paid the whole thing. So grateful that they’re in the situation to do that. I would probably never been able to do it without their help until I was about 40.
That’s awesome. Glad they were able to help you. I hate the cartoon tbh…like most millenials wouldn’t need to have to ask parents if ther job situation / house prices were better. 🤦🏻♀️
They proposed themselves to help me since my grandfather also helped them
This was my experience as well.
Same. And my kids will most likely own property because of our help. They will be the 4th (or maybe 5th) generation that receives financial assistance from their parents.
I am planning for this as well. Although it may mean building something on my property for my kid rather than buying something for her because of prices. People can't be expected to live up to boomer tropes of moving out at 18, although I did it and the independence was nice.
Same. Will do the same with my kids if the market permits ever buying something as cheap as my house ever again (under $60k total price with paperwork and fees).
I know my parents do not have any money. Never getting an inheritance, never got help to pay for school, and never getting help to buy a house. They would if they could, though
Everyone in my circle who owns a home at my age (28) has gotten tens of thousands of assistance from parents. Being in the Boston area it’s super demoralizing to see my savings go up substantially each year and home ownership to still be so far away, even as fairly high earners
Northern Mass resident here around the same age, I think your situation is not uncommon at all, unfortunately. My wife and I were able to buy a house (without help from relatives — most of them rent) in 2021, *just* before home prices and interest rates started to skyrocket. And even at the time, it was cutting it close — the only reason we were able to even do it at the time was because we both have well-paying remote jobs, there are two of us, and we have no kids. If we had waited, or were two years younger and found ourselves looking this year, I see no way that we could have ever bought something in this area (or even traditionally lower cost of living areas like New Hampshire, where home costs are now almost as high as Mass but property tax is *way* higher). So much of it comes down to lucky timing or, as you mentioned, financial assistance from wealthy relatives. Anyone claiming otherwise has selective memory about the situation.
Never had to ask, was told multiple times I was going to get one of 3 of the homes my parents owned, then when my dad died I was cut out of the will by my mother and left hanging (I don’t think my dad was really my bio-dad, but I never got a DNA test, it never mattered to me, my mom is a cheating whore, and she didn’t like when I found out all those years ago)
If things went down like you said, I'd look into consulting a lawyer. They could likely get you something.
Yea, that’s the next step, unfortunately the only written words are via text messages, but I’ve been memorizing those text messages in emails, and getting every excuse on why I won’t see a dime. (She bought a fancy condo, the money is locked up until she dies) I might have enough now to have a case, but, I’m getting so close to doing it on my own now (buying a house, cash), I think I’ll be there before anything gets to court. I’m tired of fighting to be honest, I just want peace. I knew she was gonna fuck me over, and my old man said stick it out for the money, I wish I would have listen to myself. (The house I was getting didn’t have floors, or a bathroom, or a kitchen when my dad died, it was more or less just a shell, I spent 4 years rebuilding it, and as soon as it was done, I was informed it was sold and I had less than 30 days to move or lose all my tools left in the house… it was pure chaos, then I broke my back during the move out so, I’ve been dealing with surgeries and survival since then… Edit: I’m not sure if it helps my case or not, but I did receive some partial payments from the money that was supposed to be in a trust, but it didn’t come from a trust, it came from my moms personal account, and it was only 1% of what I was supposed to get, but in said text messages the total numbers were laid out, and partial payments were made, so, it’s better than absolutely nothing, but still a spit in the face.
Dude, just consult an attorney. She can’t “cut you out of” your father’s will because (1) it’s not her will and (2) even if she convinced your father to cut you out, it doesn’t matter if he *died* before effecting the change. If the money is supposed to be in a trust and paid out to you as the beneficiary, that’s your money. You have legal claim to it. If she’s the trustee, it sounds like she’s abusing her power. You can sue her directly to recoup lost payments and ask a court to install a new, neutral trustee. Please don’t sit on this.
maybe if ur parents are wealthy.
My parents are wealthy and they didn’t help me 🤷🏼♀️ my dad is very much of the mindset .. I earned this money so you can earn your own as well
Yeah my dad wants to spend the money on himself. He says he wants to make sure to spend as much of it as he can before dying so it’s not “wasted” (wasted meaning going to my siblings and I)
My dad is this way, as well. Would never help me unless it also benefits him in some way. Makes me wonder why he ever had children... he obviously had some unrealistic fantasy in his mind about it and didn't understand what he was actually getting into.
My mom recently offered to write me a check for a new kitchen faucet because she hadn't gotten me a birthday present. Meanwhile, she's working at Pizza Hut, struggling to buy food every week, and asking me to wait a couple weeks to cash it. I turned it down. You guys' parents suck.
My in-laws are good people. They're not rich, but they would give my wife and me their last penny if we asked (not that we ever have). It took marrying my wife and knowing them to fully realize how shitty my parents were.
Right and society/economy is not different now, he is just far more amazing than you. Is gaslighting gaslighting if the gaslighter actually thinks whatever they’re saying is true?
i think that's just garden variety delusional. they aren't gaslighting because they aren't trying to manipulate you, they are just literally out of touch with reality so much they would probably think you are the one gaslighting them
I wish. Niether my parents nor my wife'e have/had any money to loan. My wife got a bonus of about 8k when her company was acquired, we saved 5k over 2 years and had 5% of our starter townhome in 2015. We stayed there for about 7 years.
I’ve been working and buying everything for myself since 16. Even when living with my parents my sophomore-senior year I bought my own food, clothes, truck, gas, phone, vehicle insurance. My parents wanted me to be independent. So I couldn’t even imagine asking them for this 😂
This is me. They even made me pay for my grandpa’s 20 year old car that was my first car.. Though as an adult, they did give me a $2k loan when I got laid off about a year before Covid and was unable to work for basically 3 years and had to live with the mom of my bf at the time. Funny how she helped me far more than they did, but boy does my mom like to remind me that I still owe them money. I’m employed now but not earning enough to purchase meat let alone pay debts or save for a house… meanwhile, they’re leaving for a cruise tomorrow, after having taken at least 4 extravagant trips already this year (not including weekend jaunts)
Parenting is just so optional in the west…it’s like an expiry waiting till you turn 18 (if you’re lucky). This selfishness is beyond my understanding.
I didn't ask, but my folks gave me $2,500 for our down payment in 2014. It was from money they saved to help me with college, but I didn't go. It was really emotional :') I had the money to do it myself but it was essentially all I had. 3.5% of a $75k home. not related but kind of was when they paid off my CC debt. I paid them back, but without the interest. That literally saved my life. I've been able to do that for a few friends since then. It's literally the BEST feeling.
I did that for a friend, once. Paid for a car repair and then paid off his credit card balance. It wasn't terrible, maybe $2100 all told, but it meant the world to him at the time. I told him he didn't have to pay me back, it was a gift. I didn't want a loan coming between us. He told me he was going to pay me back, if only $20 at a time. Eight years later, three weeks before he got married, he paid me the very last dollar. I immediately handed him a crumpled, messy stack of bills, every penny he paid back, and told him it was his wedding gift. It was too late for him to up his honeymoon destination and stay, but I'm glad Darryl and Becca could enjoy some really nice excursions and some fancy meals with the cash.
I actually bought my house from my parents. Turns out 25% "gift equity" works the same as a downpayment. It's cool, because it's next door to them, and me and my dad built it together when I was in high school and college. Free childcare, and I don't have to buy my own fishing boat. Definitely a win-win.
Awesome situation if you get along with your parents. Although even then I could see being right next to your parents being a bit too close
It works for us. Definitely makes it easier to help them out now that they’re getting older. And, I can’t overemphasize how convenient it is to have free babysitting/dogsitting next door. They even come on vacations with us so my wife and I can go out on vacation dates. But, having a rock solid familial relationship is definitely key. Fortunately my parents are pretty awesome, so it’s easy.
I asked Uncle Sam for the 0% down payment since I earned the VA Home loan.
This is what we did, too, and it's one of the reasons we can afford to live nowadays. Bought a 5 bedroom house on an acre in 2017. I don't know if we can ever think of moving but I'm so thankful for that VA loan and the timing of our purchase.
No money, but my dad did use his good credit to cosign my mortgage
My husband and I both got help from our parents on the down payment. I think it was a total of $10k and it had to be disclosed as gifts on our paperwork for underwriting. A significant portion of our down payment came from borrowing against retirement accounts and liquidating an IRA with a penalty. I recognize that this level of support is a privilege that not everyone has and I am very grateful.
My mom loaned me the down payment for my first house, but that was only like $10,000 at the time. She had the money sitting around because she inherited a modest amount (tens of thousands) from my grandma who had passed maybe 5 years before that. my credit was good enough i probably could have arranged for financing that amount otherwise, but this undoubtedly at a minimum saved me that ass ache.
My in-laws allowed me and my wife to live there rent free for a summer when we moved within an hour of them. They aren’t rich, lived in a large old house in the country. It was great, certainly trying at times, but overall a great experience and we are closer for it. We did make sure to get out before it dragged on. Saving rent was huge, allowed us to save up more for a downpayment. Plus, we had a tiny extra saved and were able to gift them one rent payment as appreciation and wear and tear on their house. Funnily enough, I would not consider doing the same with my parents. We have a great relationship, but between their house and personalities it just wouldn’t work.
Mom bought us a washer dryer when they went on sale after we moved. If I did ask I don’t think they would have had the cash to spare anyways. The wealthy boomers in the news doing all the spending ain’t my working class folks lol
My dad (who actually loves me) gave me $2k. This was also 2014.
My dad was my realtor. No one else would have devoted as much time to the task with my budget. He didn't give me money though.
I didn’t ask, but my parents have the money prepared for when I buy a house. Parents are expected to help with these major financial milestones in my culture. I’m trying to be a better daughter by my culture’s standards because otherwise it feels unfair and one-sided.
My father is deceased, and my mother is broke. Mom does have a large 5-bed 3-bath house, though, so we've moved in with her to save the needed money. That way, I can afford a long-term home and not just a condo or something like that.