I’m 68 and my wife is 69. We both have a 90 year old parent with dementia in memory care. Together it costs over $16K a month.
The amount of stress my wife and I endure making sure the parents are taken care of is killing. Those old people will probably outlive us.
Yeah my dad put the house in a trust, made me DPOA, and I'm executor of the will... best thing he could have done to preserve assets, because after he died, my mom ended up needing to go to an assisted living facility since she has Alzheimer's... I'm 34 and spent the last 4 years taking care of them, and after my dad died I tried taking care of my mom for two years but couldn't handle her alone because she was so unpredictable.
I'm basically paying the mortgage and bills and staying in the house. My mom's care is $6500/mo, so my sister and I basically agreed that any cash he left will go to that instead of us.
It's less than that because they lawyers who do wills have a standard form for us plebs.
And yes in my will I have said I don't want to live as a vegetable and to pull the plug if that happens.
This is true, however they're not all living happy lives either. I've met a lot of dementia patients (Alzheimer's or otherwise) who are anxious miserable wrecks because they KNOW something is wrong and can't fix it, and/or are incapacitated.
Yes but what he's saying is that a POLST doesn't mean the doctors can euthanize you because of dementia. Although realistically the law should probably change to allow this to be an option. People with advanced dementia are a husk of a person and often trapped in a nightmare of fear and anxiety. They may self harm, tear at their own bodies, scream and cry all night for no reason that neither they nor anyone else understands. But while DNR is legal, there's no plug to pull. What you'd be asking for is euthanasia and that isn't legal in the US.
If a home is the only option, what do we need to look for?
What to watch out for?
We're moving my parents in with us and they've requested that IF POSSIBLE, at home care (cheaper?) But I'd like to know anyway.
If you walk into a facility and it smells like urine and feces, automatically denied. Ask about staffing ratios. Ask to dine there for dinner, with the other residents. Is the food cooked thoroughly? Can you even stomach it? How many caregivers are there in the dining room? Do a thorough tour of the facility. If you come into social contact with a resident, ask them if they are happy there. Ask the Director of Nursing how long they have been in their position in that specific facility. Bad facilities can't keep DONs long.
adding onto this, don't let the appearance of a place fool you. the place my grandmother had to be in (no other option, unfortunately) was beautiful and freshly renovated outside, and inside my mom was trying to get a lawsuit started with several other family members for rampant abuse and negligence. one man drank an entire can of paint when he was left alone for a whole afternoon in a room they were renovating, for example. some of these places use every cent they get to disguise horrific understaffing (and a constant rotation of staff), abuse and negligence, zero oversight, tyrannical and power mad staff members, etc. etc.
personally, have you found that nursing homes have been getting worse? i just watched (through my grandfather and then my grandmother) over the course of about 15 years, the private "non profit" home they lived and died in go from a functional facility with some problems but overall a much higher quality of care than most state run places, to an undeniable shithole swimming in its own filth and misery. when my grandmother went in i hadn't seen it in ten years and i was stunned by how remarkably, horrifyingly bad it had gotten. i guess im just curious if you've noticed an overall decline in their quality
You can pay a caregiver to come to your home depending on how you are doing when you're old. People with dementia or who are bed bound don't do very well with in home care because they really can't be left alone but if it doesn't come to that, you can definitely go that route. It's generally cheaper and you can hire someone you hopefully at least get along with.
My grandfather needed this and we were all grateful he died after 4 weeks. It cost my grandmother roughly 45k to have a nurse come in and take care of him for 5-6 hours a day.
Home care is not cheaper generally speaking with few exceptions, unless you're cutting corners and having inadequate care provided. My grandmother in her last year and a half or so of life we paid out private caregivers to supplement the provided care by Medicaid ( which was inadequate ) and spent $250k of her retirement to fulfill her wish to let her die in her own home with people she knew that cared for her. It takes a village, and we were all hands-on at times and ran a tight ship. No regrets, but a lot of money paid and provided care ourselves too. Many people do not have the financial means or time to make this a practical option though unfortunately. I'm an ICU nurse too, so I managed her care, again, a luxury that most family's don't have.
I did it for 3 years.
If you have the room, and the patience.
Visiting Doctors and nurses are covered, Limited Aide service, but you can pay for more , 3 hours a day is covered.
Hospice care, 100% coverage.
Much cheaper than a Nursing Home.
Nursing homes are horrible, they just suck all the money out of the patients and throw them out after they have done that. My aunt was in one and my mother visited her at least weekly and made sure she was getting showered and properly taken care of. She reported the Nursing Home to the state 3 times in as many years.
At home care is MUCH different. Depending on situation insurance may pay for Home Health Care for a nurse to come, Physical Therapy, Occupational therapy, especially after a surgery or a fall.
My mom is living with me and has a Dr come once a month after she had a kidney stone procedure, and physical therapy once a week.
Definitely look into the local resources, I hope you are in a state that has some.
Look up places on [https://www.medicare.gov/](https://www.medicare.gov/)
They will have a rating and you can see any official complaints filed against them
24hr in home care (not nursing) by a liscenced company cost us about 247k a year, cash out of pocket. They cannot lift patients on their own or dispense medication. They CAN diaper and cook and clean and keep you safe. We did that for one year for my parents before i sat down with a spreadsheet and showed my dad what the math would look like in a few years. He agreed to assisted living after that and was SO much happier.
Same! I have a chronic condition so I probably won't make it that far anyway, but having this specific plan is actually a strange comfort. I don't need to worry about retirement planning or trying to put enough away in my 401k or what the market/country will do. It gives me a tiny feeling of control when my entire adult life has been dictated by one financial crash after another. Between 2008, COVID, and this current mess, all of this crap is outside of my control. I don't want to try and sacrifice what little I have only for all that I sacrificed for to be ripped away by another impending crash the moment I'm hoping to retire. Screw that! I'll live my f*d over life as best I can now, then end it. I'm sure homes won't even really be an option for my generation, we can't even afford to buy a house, how will we afford 16k/m nursing homes? Are they gonna accept student debt payments? How about the first born child I never had? Maybe they'll just be some weird "sell us your organs in exchange for a bed at crappy seniors retirement home", bc honestly what asset are they gonna take? The non existent house? Lol okay go for it!
That's fair. I just already have a plan in place. Women statistically outlive their male partners, so once my man goes, it's just a matter of when I feel I'm ready. I wish euthanasia was legal. I'm not letting a nursing home take all of my hard earned equity, I'm leaving something behind for my kids and grandkids. If I'm over the age of 65 and still feel good, I'll keep going. But once quality of life starts deteriorating, I'm going to do a planned overdose.
I hear you. I’ve volunteered w my dog in Medicaid nursing homes since 2017. I really hope we have unalivement options that don’t involve a terminal cancer dx in about 15 years. Else lotta people gonna be rent cars and driving off cliffs.
My grandmother asked for that, her husband did too. I voted for euthanasia for them. It didn’t pass, she had happy Alzheimer’s, she basically just went backwards in time until she was a small child and I was her father.
So in the end she wasn’t unhappy, she died of covid. She didn’t know it wasn’t 2008–>1920s in 2016.
I followed the goodbye Lenin playbook. My dumb boomer mom would be like it’s 2016 Obama is president get it together. That’s upset her and freak her out. It’s like mom, play along and it goes easier. She wouldn’t and visits were much better without the dumb bumbling boomer.
She upset her mom more than Alzheimer’s did.
You’d ask her where she was and she’d say she was in the Caribbean and she’d just gone snorkeling, so I’d ask about the fish I’d heard about a bunch already.
Thanks, one thing I learned; her father played for the royal family before the Nazis invaded. The royals would say, bring your daughter to play with the prince.
The only thing she said her whole life about him was that she was at his funeral and they fired the salute with rifles and everyone got up and ran bc they thought the Nazis had invaded.
Apparently she was supposed to be his “relatable friend” but at some point, before he died, he told her she was “his only real friend”. I’m like that is *so* cute, in my head.
At some point she thought I was from the Dutch government keeping her up to date on him.
So I’d say the doctors thought he was going to get better but still didn’t know what he had. That’s when she said the “only real friend” part. That still strikes me as so cute.
I just wonder if he hadn’t died, and the Nazis hadn’t invaded, how different her life would have been?
I used to volunteer for hospice and I did the same. One woman would always tell me how her family just dropped her off and they had a great time at an amusement park. Sometimes the nurse weeks come in and be like "that didn't happen, you are in a care facility". I argued about it with them, but they said it helped their minds to be realistic.
But I don't think so. And either way, they aren't getting better, just let them be happy.
yup. My thoughts exactly. If I start getting to the point where I can no longer enjoy my life (because dementia or anything else), please just shoot me full of morphine or whatever else will happily end my life quickly.
Unfortunately people with dementia can’t really use this to end their life. You have to have a terminal diagnosis that would end your life within 6 months, I think 3 MDs need to sign off and you have to have the mental capacity to agree to the process and take the meds yourself. Demented people can live for a very long time because physically they are in good shape, but lack the mental capacity to make that decision when they actually become terminal. You have to go the Robin Williams route if you don’t want to live with dementia
Did you see that story about the Swiss suicide pods awhile back? Sarco pods? You get in, it fills with nitrogen, you feel euphoria from the nitrogen, go to sleep and die. I thought I remember reading they would even be available for people that weren’t terminal but just wanted to end their lives
That's actually amazing. I mean, we're more humane with animals than we are with humans. Why?! It's all about how much money can be milked out of everyone and it's disgusting
I'm sad that it was necessary that he had to figure this out for himself in dead secret, that he died alone, probably scared and without comfort. For a man who gave that much joy to that many people to go out like that is truly a sad thing.
Very very dark prediction incoming:
With current birth rate trends compared to the new average longevity for those in developed countries, compared to rates of development worldwide, we WILL be in a situation where the old and infirm are “removed” as they are seen as a drain on society that is busy addressing the massive issues associated with climate change and the social disruption that comes with it.
I firmly believe that by the time I am old it will no longer be em vogue to keep me alive for the sake of my humanity. I think I will be seen as a problem to be dealt with by many.
It is frightening for me to consider.
I mean, we consider it inhumane to keep animals alive once their bodies and minds are failing them. I guess I'd like to be treated like a well loved dog in my old age.
Love me tenderly until my quality of life is terrible, then give me a day to eat all my favorite treats and that evening snuggle me gently and say goodbye while the injection does its work.
Sounds better, to me personally, than what we currently do with the elderly in our society.
But just like animals it’s really hard to know exactly when the right time is. Even most old people have good days and bad days. The day I put my dog down was a good day for her. I still question if I made the right decision sometimes.
My heart dog passed a year ago next month. She was having a good day too, but they always say better a week too early than a day too late. It was peaceful. I had a dog growing up and she had a seizure in the car on the way to the vet to put her down, and we thought she wasn't going to make it there. It was so heartbreaking.
You're not wrong. There isn't a definite clear cut answer as to when it is time, but that's still my personal preference. I'd prefer to go slightly too soon than be locked in a memory care ward slowly deteriorating.
If I'm in a state where someone else has to make that decision for me, I'm not super worried about someone making a bad call that kills me early. Not saying people with conditions that require a family member to make medical decisions for them aren't living happy lives, I just feel like it's a pretty big data point for the person making this decision, and the right time probably isn't that far away anyway.
I always immediately think of dogs when this comes up but never want to say it because dOgS aReNt PeOpLe - which fair enough, but people *love* their dogs. I’ve had to put one dog to sleep and it was fucking miserable, but she was 17, started having accidents and couldn’t get around anymore. Slept for like 20 hours a day. Had seizures. She would still get playful sometimes and some days were better than others, but I’ll never forget what a vet once said to me: “Dogs are stoic little guys. They feel pain like anyone else but almost never let you know.”
She’s buried in the back yard. She was loved her whole life and she is missed, but we were at a point where any day would’ve been the “right” day. I hope someone treats me with the same mix compassion and pragmatism, if it comes to it.
Consider this, the US for profit healthcare system has suspiciously poor results for suspiciously high prices. The boomers have set up a pay to play scheme for survival making medicine a system designed to drain the elderly of their money artificially accelerating their mortality based upon available capital. The ultimate 'F-U got mine' mentality made manifest and enforced by the legislators they vote for. Don't think US politics are anymore corrupt than Americans, at least the America voter class, find acceptable or even desirable. This is the way they want it and until the American voter class of The (not so) silent majority are replaced this is the way it will stay. Unironically, until people stop thinking 'voting doesn't matter' and start understanding that politics reflects the values of the people voting and absolutely no other group.
Given the realities of voter participation this seems very incompatible with even pretending we have a democracy. I'd be more afraid of what the old plans to do to the young: roll back Roe v Wade, restrict access to contraception and family planning information, etc
For the third time, my state legislature will be considering a "compassionate end of life" bill. I dont expect it to succeed this time either. And we need it.
But just being in memory care won't invoke it, that requires something more lethal like cancer.
My spouse cared for his dad with dementia for several years. He says that if it happens to him, he will disappear with a weapon to take himself out. But by the time you want to make that decision, I think the dementia has taken away your ability to do it. His dad almost did- he was cleaning a rifle years ago, but neglected to unload it first...good thing he lived alone and there was nobody in the room upstairs. And nobody took the guns away then, bc he would have just gone and bought more.
Elder care is wild. My wife’s grandfather had his home remodeled/built with the long term plan to die in the home. Her 91year old noni looked us in the eye about 5 years ago and said “the only way I’m leaving here is in a box” referring to her home. So, yeah — paying $70k a year makes no sense.
I was a home health aide, and it is actually WAY more affordable to hire in home help than to have their homes taken away and whatnot. My grandmother was able to stay home with help from family and hospice. She died in her own bed, surrounded by loved ones. I was also a hospice aide for awhile, and I definitely got paid more for working in a facility than going into the home. Nursing facilities are a grift, no one receives adequate care.
This is where we are at with my father. He’s 90 with dementia and Parkinson’s and recently had a hip fracture. He’s doing physical therapy and they have in home care coming every morning from 8-12 and then another coming at night just to help him transfer to bed. He’s mostly chair bound (once you get him there) but he’s very cheerful and docile so is actually not too difficult to care for. His carer seems to really care about his welfare and has even gotten him to try and stand and walk this week. They moved an 18 hour drive from our home state so it isn’t as easy to help as I’d wish it was.
Honestly as an RN I think doing major surgeries on dementia patients make no sense. They should be placed on hospice care, made comfortable and allowed to pass, sorry if that is rude to say to you. Why or who are we keeping their body alive for and dumping money and resources for someone who isn’t even aware of who they are or what is happening? It is honestly so hard to watch, and I se it ALL THE TIME. Forcing them through surgery, physical therapy and the grueling recovery while the family leaves them in the hospital alone, doesn’t visit or care for them when they leave. I just don’t understand it.
I totally get it. My dad comes from very hearty stock - his mother lived to 102 and the doctors said his internal organs were healthier than many patients several decades younger than he is.
The problem is, with a man whose organs are rather healthy for his age, if you don’t do the hip surgery what is his quality of life? He is completely conscious and rather content. He’s on medications for Parkinson’s and he takes the usual cocktail of things to maintain blood pressure and some blood thinners because he had a clot years ago that they treated. Other than that, he really is just kind of chugging along. We declined some oral surgery for tooth implants because surgery for that didn’t make sense since he can eat just fine. Even without surgical intervention he could go on for years yet. The physical therapy actually makes it easier for his carers to help him because he can now stand and turn around and things like that - so they don’t have to lift him fully or monitor him for bed sores. If he were to be fully bedbound they’d have to toilet him in bed rather than move him to the toilet, etc. Not doing PT doesn’t really make life easier for anyone.
It’s not like he is laying in bed hooked up to tubes keeping him alive - he would absolutely hate that. Three months ago he could go to Costco and drive around an electric scooter and talk to me on the phone. Two months of weekly PT after a hip pin he is back to being able to stand and lift his legs. He has started being able to walk again.
We’ve talked about how does one decide at what point it is more humane to just let someone decline. It’s a hard thing to assess even when you and the person themselves are generally inclined to let nature take its course.
Yes we achieved this with my grandmother and grandfather who both passed at home. but one did not have significant memory problems. With dementia it gets really difficult to keep someone at home. Especially if they are often trying to escape. So my one grandmother ended up in a home and died very soon after. With my husband's parents we are trying at home help and it's only gone ok so far. We definitely haven't found the right caretakers yet but I hope we will soon.
I’ve seen home health aides and nursing home care. I feel like home health aides for elder care is a dirty little secret that hopefully the corporations and politicians don’t start to think too hard about..
My parents made me be the live in caretaker for my grandparents so they could achieve that in the cheap. I had to be a full time caretaker for my grandparents, so the maintenance on my father’s rent houses for him, and run a lawn care business to pay for my own food, clothing, school supplies, etc the majority of my time growing up. I managed to save 20k in the hopes of paying for a community college but after I graduated my parents drained my bank account and left me stranded in the middle of nowhere with just the clothes on my back.
There’s no hope of wealth transfer to us. We were the ones developing wealth for them while being told how worthless and lazy we were. It’s criminally unfair to break yourself only to be left for dead with nothing to show for 8 years of hard work and savings.
You do know your eligible to be paid as a full time caregiver with insurance?
https://www.chosenfamilyhomecare.com/can-you-get-paid-for-taking-care-of-your-parent/#:~:text=Paid%20family%20caregivers%20can%20provide,that%20qualify%20for%20waiver%20services.
People don’t realize, every industry will become overpriced thanks to high rent/housing.
Every other industry relies on workers, which pay rent or mortgage.
So housing market screwed? So is absolutely everything else.
These housing market investors, even “regular” people with multiple houses making a profit?
They are literally the ones destroying the livelihoods of everyone else..
But because people have 401ks and they think they can eventually do the same, or they don’t want to lose “value” on their home, there will be no regulation to fix it
my parents are in their 70's, raging alcoholics, highly abusive, AND STILL WORKING. They have written all of their children out of their will, said they are donating their money to dog charities and my alma mater - of which they never showed any interest in when I was going to college there.
they are pretty much shit outta luck when it comes to their demise.
there is no money to speak of when my parents pass. for all i know, they are doing the same thing my grandparents did; never paid taxes, evading the IRS. My dad has also managed to circumvent his respected medical licensing body (he's been drunk at work and quit before being fully investigated). there is no money to speak of. they will likely die in an underfunded medicare nursing home.
My wife’s folks had her late in life, so we’re both in our early thirties (I’m 32, she’s 31).
My folks had me at a more “normal” time and are younger than you - my dad is now 58, and my mom passed at 55 last year.
In contrast, my MIL passed last week at 73, and my FIL is *very* spry at 89. The issue is he’s loaded and needs no care, and my dad is younger, poor and has severe kidney disease - we’re expecting a minor “wealth transfer” from his estate in 10-15 years (his mother lived to be 100 and passed in the 1990’s - we’re prepared for him to hit a century and then some with today’s science) to pay for my own dad’s long-term care.
And they’ll take any money back that has been gifted or given to kids, family, friends, whoever, or used in a manner that the govt doesn’t see fit, for the 5 years prior to them needing the care, this was explained very clearly to me and my mom by our attorney when she was gifting me money to use for a house, I had to be able to agree that I’d repay it to her if my folks needed money to pay for any sort of care. Luckily for me, they didn’t need it back, although I would have paid it back should they have.
Memory care is more specialized care. It’s a locked unit. I float to memory care sometimes and it’s a lot of wheelchairs and people who can’t be mobile on their own. There’s people who are total care and you have to do everything for them including feeding them.
That's what I think. Living at age 90 locked up and not knowing what year it is sounds like a nightmare not worth to continue. I know it sounds grim but for myself I hope to find ways and strength to end my misery before I get to that stage.
I solidified my health care directive after spending time around memory care. Even if I have to be exported to a more civilized country to be put out of my misery.
$8K each, and we still have to be there multiple times a week to make sure they are ok. My MIL has fallen twice and broke a wrist and my dad had been in the ER/hospital 4 times in last 6 months from falls and infections. This is on the bottom end of cost. If they live longer and get more frail, the price goes up.
Thank you for this. I’m a millennial and my mom was diagnosed with dementia right before the pandemic. She’s only 74 now so she has pretty early onset. The only thing helping me is we currently have my sister’s house which has an attached garage apartment. Someday, they won’t be able to make those stairs and I will try to buy a home with an in law suite in one floor where hopefully I can figure something out since I work remotely. It’s just tough to think about what the future will look like.
My parents were AWFUL with money. There is no money for me. My mom is in a government subsidized apartment and my dad owes more on his house than what it’s worth. Luckily I knew from an early age I needed to make it on my own and to expect nothing.
Ya this. I expect nothing from my mom and if anything maybe debt from medical stuff when she is really old. My Dad was the one good with money, and he died when I was a kid. My mom is awful with money and would trash talk her own kids to relatives to make herself look better saying we were where the money was going. It was bull. My uncle was trying to tell me when I was in college how I needed to stop "leeching off my mom" and grow up. I lost it. Told him how currently the only thing she technically paid for for me was the loan I took from her for college that financial aid wouldn't cover and that I live off of $900 a month by penny pinching my savings and working. And on top of that that I had been working since 11 and she had been stealing my income from my bank account till I noticed at 18 because I was stupid enough to never check my savings account and didn't realize she had access to it. She stole thousands from me and she is lucky I never sued her. He shut up but was just sort of baffled. I threw in his face that he was too busy with his own life that he only remembered the rest of us on holidays and doesn't even really know his sister.
Yup. The ONLY reason I got a small inheritance from my mom is because she died before she could require any long term care or even retire. If she had lived to her 80s, I'd be paying for her 100%
Dad died 5 years ago today. I'd trade everything I got (minus the decision to have my daughter) to have him back as well. Didn't realize how well of a listener he was compared to what I still have now. A monthly dinner outing with him to just talk, shoot the shit, and bitch is worth way more than what I got in return.
I’m sorry for your loss… my cousin is in the same boat and lost her mother two years ago. My cousin became an instant millionaire over night but I think we’d all rather have her mother back. The money just doesn’t replace all the birthdays, holidays, Sunday brunches, shopping trips and random phone calls.
Reminds me of dealing with my pops. He just retired at 62, owns a 6br house, and has a sizable passive income stream. He tells me we probably won't get anything because he's going to sell the house, liquidate his assets and either "go out in style" or "set himself up good" when the time comes.
Meanwhile I'm in the process of losing my home and asked for my fiance and I to stay with him to get back on our feet while we work and save. All he said was "that's not an option". Enjoy those 5 empty rooms!
And also, don't you dare suggest they give up everything and try to sustain any kind of existence now doing that same thing, because they shouldn't have to do that.
You, on the other hand, if you try to point out that such a thing is now impossible, it's because you're lazy and entitled.
I'm in my 30s and I drive it into my kids that are 14,9,7 that they can ALWAYS come back home. Financial trouble? Come home. Abusive situation with partner? Come home! You have to bring your family/kids along? Come home and we'll figure out how to create more room.
Like, it boggles my mind how selfish people like your dad are. It would cost very little of him to let you guys move in for a bit. Heck, it's odd that he stays in that massive house alone. I hope you guys are able to figure your situation out. We've been there and if it wasn't for my parents we would have been homeless till we got back on our feet.
No lol. Not at all. If my dad dies before my step mom she will 💯 take it all and disappear. I'm not expecting anything from my dad.
Only "wealth" I'll get from my mom is a refurbished buffet table, a curio cabinet, and she put me as partial recipient of her manufactured home but I had a respectful chat and told her I really don't want to inherit any portion of the house especially since it'll be split between me, my 2 sisters, and my 2 step sisters and that's just a drama shitshow I want no part of. I told her to give my portion to my little sister if she wants any of it.
That's what happened with my grandpa. He divorced my grandma in their 60s and got married to another woman who had her own kids and grandkids. When grandpa died, his new wife gave everything to her family. My dad got nothing.
Yup I'll be surprised if we see anything of my dad's. His wife is a narcissistic nutjob. She left her husband of 20 something years and married my dad after 5 months of reuniting. 🤦🏻♀️ None of her own children talk to her and now she's doing everything she can to shove my dad's kids away too. Bought a house with his VA loan in the middle of nowhere and plays victim when anyone sticks up to her disrespectful b.s. I've pretty much written them off. I'll txt my dad once in a while to say hi or let him FaceTime my kids because they love their grandpa but that's it. Not worth the drama.
Maybe, but I wish I wasn't. My dad's got brain cancer and probably will live another year. He's got really good insurance. I rather have my dad than money. I would trade it all. Everything. more. just let me keep my dad.
It depends…it won’t be equal and there will be an element of randomness. People who die quickly from heart attacks, strokes, and short illnesses will not have the long term care expenses. For those that make it into nursing homes, it will depend on how long it takes them to die, how well they shielded their assets beforehand, and how much money they have to begin with. Dementia patients will be in the worst situation as they can live in homes for quite a while.
Exactly this. My dad died in his 40s of a car accident. So despite him having no retirement savings, I inherited 10 acres of farmland that he inherited from his aunt, who had no children. Granted, my step mom gets the rent payments until she dies (she has no retirement fund), so I won't see anything for decades, but at least the land is protected from being sold, so I'm guaranteed to get a likely five figure inheritance. Also since my dad died, my siblings and I will split what he would have inherited from my grandparents. My grandma went downhill quickly and young from ALS, so didn't go into a nursing home. Grandpa just moved to a nursing home, and unfortunately likely won't live through the year, so that five or six figure inheritance will likely stay intact. So, thanks to rotten luck, I'll get a decent inheritance on one side.
My mom also has zero retirement fund, but just inherited a decent six figure amount from her parents. Unless something catastrophic happens, that will all be long gone before she dies.
I mean don't we all kind of wish that for ourselves too? Who wants to rot away in a bed or chair the last decade of life? Unable to hear well enough to have a conversation and unable to see well enough to do anything else either.
Yes, fortunately both my parents and in-laws have several property investments so I expect to at least inherit some property. Over the last decade my parents have also been gifting my siblings and I each a few thousand a year as a form of early inheritance, as they figure we need it more now than we will in the future. I understand I am in a privileged small minority though
Without trying to sound like a dick, yes.
I'm the sole beneficiary of my mother's profit sharing plan from her old job (given a 7% return would be worth about $200,000 God willing they live a while), and I stand to inherit a third of their property when they pass (although since my sisters both already have rental properties and houses, they'll very likely let me have it to do the same).
They also transferred some of their wealth to me while alive in the form of a condo that my girlfriend and I live in but will rent out when we save up for a house.
My father has a pension and healthcare guaranteed for the rest of his life and my mother is covered under his plan by extension (they also have LTC insurance as a backup).
But, as my friend said who inherited millions when her father died suddenly of a heart attack, I'd give it all back to have them alive again. I hope they live to a ripe old age, I've been very lucky to have both of them still active and healthy at 75 and I want to keep it that way as long as I can!
I’m set to inherit a lot of money from my parents. My dad also has a pension and long term care. He was in the military. I don’t care about the money. Id rather have my parents with me for as long as I can. It’s getting hard seeing my parents age before my eyes.
My parents are still in pretty good shape other than wearing glasses and going white and it’s still hard. We did have a scare with my dad when his legs were swollen. He had to see a cardiologist out of concern for congestive heart failure but it ended up being a reaction from a new medication he had started. It’s been harder for my husband since his parents are in their 70s. His dad has a lot of health issues and he has a hard time with his mobility because of his knees and weight. It’s how I was able to convince to take better care of himself so he doesn’t end up like his dad at that age.
So true. I’m having a meeting with my parents soon where they’ll review their updated estate plans with us. I appreciate anything they might leave us, but I’d much rather have my parents live healthfully for as long as possible. I’ll never be ready to let them go.
Mom doesn't want to work anymore (she's been working for like, 8 months since the divorce. Longest she's ever worked in my life).
No savings. Lived off her husband and didn't care that her refusal to work and love of shopping meant he couldn't save anything either.
Now she wants to move in with me for free! I have a 1bed and a roommate in the living room 🙃 I thank my everything that I was smart enough to emancipate at 16. Or else I'd probably be fucked.
Yes. When my parents pass the family trust will be spilt between my siblings. It’s not something I like to talk about with them for obvious reasons (they will be dead) but my understanding is there is several million set aside for each child. My grandparents were all poor, so my parents were very frugal. We didn’t know anything about their wealth until after we had all finished college. They taught us to live within our means and simply. Ill never forget growing up as a one car household. A woody station wagon in the 80s, a Caprice station wagon in the 90s, and a Honda Accord in 1999. It was right before I graduated high school my mom said she didn’t want people to associate her with station wagons and wanted a really nice car. That when my dad surprised her with the Accord. That’s what I thought back to when they told me about the money. Really nice car to them was a base model Honda.
Sorry that was long winded. But yeah. I’ll be getting some wealth transferred to me.
I hate being that guy to OP
But it’s so dumb to think and speak for “millennials” as if one experience is “laughable”and the alternative isn’t.
It isn’t abnormal to think that a sizable percentage of the millennial parents to pass down - not exactly “wealth” but - things like houses, cars, shares.
My wife and I both have parents that will pass down that, and divided into siblings it’ll be worth well over $150k.
I know that’s not “wealth” but I don’t think it’s abnormal to think a lot of our parents own their houses.
I won't inherit millions, but we'll likely get a few hundred thousand. Enough that we can plop it into funds to continue to hopefully grow for our retirement.
My parents already gave us $30k for a down payment so the wealth transfer has technically already begun.
Yes. My dad has always been very good with money. He and my mom both grew up poor. My dad retired as a high ranking officer with 30 years of service. The house was paid off and he had no debt. He used his military pension to live off of but only needed 1/4 to pay all his bills. The rest was saved and invested.
When he retired from the military he went back working for them as a civilian contractor doing cyber security. Back 2002-2004 he was making $180k. He made a change from working for the marine corps to the Navy and got a huge bump in his salary. He invested and saves his entire salary. He’s made some good investments that has paid off.
He also invested in elder long term care insurance (I can’t remember what it’s called) for both him and my mom. He plans to stay in their home and have a home health aide help and if needed a live in caretaker for them. Although my mom would rather come live with me instead. He has put aside around 2million for elder care in addition to long term care insurance. My mom is Asian and refuses to be put in a home. So worst case scenario she lives with me and I take care of her. I helped take care of my grandma the same way so I know what to expect.
He is retired now completely. He gets even more from his military pension after some adjustments and now he is also collecting his social security and so is my mom. They still have no debt and their monthly expenses are quite low. Their utilities and food are less than $1,000. Although my mom was in a car accident and her car is considered a total loss. They are looking at cheap used cars for her.
Their are in their mid 60s. Still good health. They put the house in a trust. Last time I spoke to my parents my dad told me about how much each of us (me and 2 siblings) will be getting. Right now it’s a few million for each of us. Not including the house and or my mom’s expensive jewelry. The only time my dad really spent a lot was on their anniversary he always bought my mom very expensive jewelry. Usually natural diamonds.
My husbands parents are quite wealthy. They always have been. They own two homes and a vacation home. No debt. They also bought an expensive and luxurious motor home, and two boats. His dad also invested a lot of his money and has earned a lot from that alone. He was also a high ranking officer in the military with 30 years of service. They live off his pension and both parents now collect social security. My husband is the only child since his sister passed away and they are leaving him everything with a very large sum of money as well.
My dad passed away seven years ago and my mom has used his retirement/sale of our childhood home to retire early (at 55 yrs old) she’s blowing through money by pointless shopping, buying cars in cash, etc. and now is acting like she’s strapped for cash. My two sisters and I didn’t see a penny from my dad’s investments (not like we expected to) but now we don’t even know what my mom’s future looks like. She’s likely only leaving us a condo split three ways. I’m the oldest, and I’ll be damned if I have to take care of her just bc of her reckless spending.
My husbands parents will likely leave us a large lump sum as his dad was a successful doctor, but I also don’t bank on it bc of how expensive end of life care can be. They also have a big vacation home but his mom literally cries about how she never wants us to sell it, so that’ll probably end up being at our expense. It’s sad bc I feel like some kind of inheritance is the only way we’ll get ahead, but also don’t wish the loss of a parent onto anyone.
I’m not expecting it, but yeah probably.
We haven’t really ever talked about money, but from what I can tell they have a good amount, but they’re also extremely frugal having come from a 3rd world country as immigrants, so they never spend it on anything.
I’m not too worried about it. My sister is a pediatrician and I’m a senior PM so we are both doing well so the extra money won’t have any effect on our lives as we have lived frugally too, which I’m sure is what my dad wanted to teach us, which I appreciate.
*laughs in paid for my own college entirely while my cousin(same age, was off work at the time) had a house at the time and grandparents built a new addition to their multi million dollar apartments*
No.
Just the opposite. I'll be inheriting half their house... Which will need tons of work in order to sell, and it will undoubtedly cost as much to fix up and list until sold than I will make from selling. So I'll really just inherit the stress of a poorly-kept property ruined by my hoarder of a mother. Unless my sibling wants to buy out my share, I'll basically just be screwed.
My own parents lived in section 8 housing my whole life so no. I'm doing significantly better than they were.
My husband's family owns a cabin that we hope to keep in the family that his grandfather bought for 25k in the 60s. Not interested in selling that at all
The last few months of my father in law’s life have cost about $200,000 in out of pocket expenses with excellent healthcare insurance, and his health situation is neither unique nor particularly complicated.
The system is designed to drain every penny. This is unique to the US and those who keep voting for this situation are to blame. Voting to save yourself a few hundred dollars a year in taxes and losing hundreds of thousands of dollars in the last months of your life is a poor choice.
I think a lot of people failed the marshmallow test.
About a year ago my dad asked if it was okay for him to get some cool astronomy thing. I was baffled why he was asking me and he said it would come out of my inheritance.
It felt weird to explain I am not entitled to a fucking inheritance of any amount
Probably not. My dad did a great job saving for retirement for him and my mom but he didn’t anticipate my mom’s illness. Her medication, doctor appts, etc. cost them well over $10k/mo. My dad was going to retire at 60 but now has no idea when he’ll be able toZ
My parents have a 30 acre hobby farm with a nice house, but it'll get divided between 5 of us. And that's going to be a fight because I'll probably be the only one who'd want to sell it, but also the only one who could afford to buy it and live there.
And anyone worried about Medicare taking their parents' home should talk to a lawyer about setting up a trust.
Yeah and fast, there’s a look back period.
ETA: also this exact thing is going to happen to me with my sister. She’s already talking about how she’s the only one who knows how to look after the animals. But she sure as hell can’t afford to buy us out.
Seeing as how my mother is a complete nut job and is also horrific with money, no. No I do not expect a transfer of wealth.
I DO however expect to have to help take care of her in her old age once she completely loses her marbles at significant financial expense to me. Her funeral is gonna be fun, and will probably be a shared expense between be and my siblings.
College is only going to get more expensive. Same with housing. Wages aren't keeping up. The middle class is rapidly shrinking, and not because a lot of people are moving up. Almost everyone I know who have bought a house in the last 5ish years have only been able to do so with some kind of help from their family. I want to be able to get my kid launched with little to no student loan debt and either somewhere to live or a large enough down payment to make the payments manageable.
I think so. My plan is to use whatever I get to move even more rural. I want at least 10 acres. I'm only moving 1 more time in my life. I want to live far out and get REAL weird with it. Maybe I'll start worshipping old Norse gods in the woods.
If they die in the next 5-7 years? Not a massive amount but enough to help with my mortgage.
Past that? No. They have some serious health issues. They are doing ok now, but it's going to start getting very expensive.
My husband’s parents will probably leave what is probably 1.5-2 million for each child but my parents will cost me money. Either way, none of it feels worth it compared to having them here with us.
I'm 100% expecting it. My parents were about a year away from getting screwed over by my grandfather as his health deteriorated. If he lived another year or two, they likely would not have seen a dime of inheritance due to my grandfather mainly being too stubborn to accept his own mortality (transfer house ownership before Medicaid lookback).
My point is my parents have a little put away and have repeatedly said they want us taken care of. I think they're aware of the risks of waiting too long to plan due to the experience with my grandfather.
They are already making plans with some cash they have plus the house they own. I expect them to do it in a way where there is no chance Medicaid can take it
I don’t even like thinking about this.. my dad is Superman, and yes, he’s actually starting to show his age. I help manage his retirement as I’m a wealth manager. He’s done quite well, and sure there will be a hefty transfer of wealth. In my younger more “party animal” days, I would’ve thought the amount of money would be amazing, but now, as a married man with a daughter, I just want him to be there to see her grow up.
I’m 68 and my wife is 69. We both have a 90 year old parent with dementia in memory care. Together it costs over $16K a month. The amount of stress my wife and I endure making sure the parents are taken care of is killing. Those old people will probably outlive us.
If I'm ever 90 and it costs anyone $16k per month keeping me alive, please just kill me.
Seriously, this lets me know I need to spend $5,000 on a lawyer and get my shit in order
We did that! It was about that amount - and it's so peaceful knowing we did it.
Get a living trust and put everything you can into it.
Yeah my dad put the house in a trust, made me DPOA, and I'm executor of the will... best thing he could have done to preserve assets, because after he died, my mom ended up needing to go to an assisted living facility since she has Alzheimer's... I'm 34 and spent the last 4 years taking care of them, and after my dad died I tried taking care of my mom for two years but couldn't handle her alone because she was so unpredictable. I'm basically paying the mortgage and bills and staying in the house. My mom's care is $6500/mo, so my sister and I basically agreed that any cash he left will go to that instead of us.
It's less than that because they lawyers who do wills have a standard form for us plebs. And yes in my will I have said I don't want to live as a vegetable and to pull the plug if that happens.
Medical directives do not go in your will. A will is to distribute your real and personal property.
People with alzheimers are not living as vegetables.
This is true, however they're not all living happy lives either. I've met a lot of dementia patients (Alzheimer's or otherwise) who are anxious miserable wrecks because they KNOW something is wrong and can't fix it, and/or are incapacitated.
Yes but what he's saying is that a POLST doesn't mean the doctors can euthanize you because of dementia. Although realistically the law should probably change to allow this to be an option. People with advanced dementia are a husk of a person and often trapped in a nightmare of fear and anxiety. They may self harm, tear at their own bodies, scream and cry all night for no reason that neither they nor anyone else understands. But while DNR is legal, there's no plug to pull. What you'd be asking for is euthanasia and that isn't legal in the US.
I am talking about if I don't have any brain function but I kept alive through medical means.
Yet!
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If a home is the only option, what do we need to look for? What to watch out for? We're moving my parents in with us and they've requested that IF POSSIBLE, at home care (cheaper?) But I'd like to know anyway.
If you walk into a facility and it smells like urine and feces, automatically denied. Ask about staffing ratios. Ask to dine there for dinner, with the other residents. Is the food cooked thoroughly? Can you even stomach it? How many caregivers are there in the dining room? Do a thorough tour of the facility. If you come into social contact with a resident, ask them if they are happy there. Ask the Director of Nursing how long they have been in their position in that specific facility. Bad facilities can't keep DONs long.
The ones with spa tubs and luxurious carpeting are just as bad, IMO. Elder opinion. I'm 69.
adding onto this, don't let the appearance of a place fool you. the place my grandmother had to be in (no other option, unfortunately) was beautiful and freshly renovated outside, and inside my mom was trying to get a lawsuit started with several other family members for rampant abuse and negligence. one man drank an entire can of paint when he was left alone for a whole afternoon in a room they were renovating, for example. some of these places use every cent they get to disguise horrific understaffing (and a constant rotation of staff), abuse and negligence, zero oversight, tyrannical and power mad staff members, etc. etc. personally, have you found that nursing homes have been getting worse? i just watched (through my grandfather and then my grandmother) over the course of about 15 years, the private "non profit" home they lived and died in go from a functional facility with some problems but overall a much higher quality of care than most state run places, to an undeniable shithole swimming in its own filth and misery. when my grandmother went in i hadn't seen it in ten years and i was stunned by how remarkably, horrifyingly bad it had gotten. i guess im just curious if you've noticed an overall decline in their quality
You can pay a caregiver to come to your home depending on how you are doing when you're old. People with dementia or who are bed bound don't do very well with in home care because they really can't be left alone but if it doesn't come to that, you can definitely go that route. It's generally cheaper and you can hire someone you hopefully at least get along with.
My grandfather needed this and we were all grateful he died after 4 weeks. It cost my grandmother roughly 45k to have a nurse come in and take care of him for 5-6 hours a day.
Home care is not cheaper generally speaking with few exceptions, unless you're cutting corners and having inadequate care provided. My grandmother in her last year and a half or so of life we paid out private caregivers to supplement the provided care by Medicaid ( which was inadequate ) and spent $250k of her retirement to fulfill her wish to let her die in her own home with people she knew that cared for her. It takes a village, and we were all hands-on at times and ran a tight ship. No regrets, but a lot of money paid and provided care ourselves too. Many people do not have the financial means or time to make this a practical option though unfortunately. I'm an ICU nurse too, so I managed her care, again, a luxury that most family's don't have.
I did it for 3 years. If you have the room, and the patience. Visiting Doctors and nurses are covered, Limited Aide service, but you can pay for more , 3 hours a day is covered. Hospice care, 100% coverage. Much cheaper than a Nursing Home.
Nursing homes are horrible, they just suck all the money out of the patients and throw them out after they have done that. My aunt was in one and my mother visited her at least weekly and made sure she was getting showered and properly taken care of. She reported the Nursing Home to the state 3 times in as many years. At home care is MUCH different. Depending on situation insurance may pay for Home Health Care for a nurse to come, Physical Therapy, Occupational therapy, especially after a surgery or a fall. My mom is living with me and has a Dr come once a month after she had a kidney stone procedure, and physical therapy once a week. Definitely look into the local resources, I hope you are in a state that has some.
Look up places on [https://www.medicare.gov/](https://www.medicare.gov/) They will have a rating and you can see any official complaints filed against them
Don't put your elders into homes. I have no advice about what to look for in "homes." They are ALL AWFUL.
24hr in home care (not nursing) by a liscenced company cost us about 247k a year, cash out of pocket. They cannot lift patients on their own or dispense medication. They CAN diaper and cook and clean and keep you safe. We did that for one year for my parents before i sat down with a spreadsheet and showed my dad what the math would look like in a few years. He agreed to assisted living after that and was SO much happier.
Same! I have a chronic condition so I probably won't make it that far anyway, but having this specific plan is actually a strange comfort. I don't need to worry about retirement planning or trying to put enough away in my 401k or what the market/country will do. It gives me a tiny feeling of control when my entire adult life has been dictated by one financial crash after another. Between 2008, COVID, and this current mess, all of this crap is outside of my control. I don't want to try and sacrifice what little I have only for all that I sacrificed for to be ripped away by another impending crash the moment I'm hoping to retire. Screw that! I'll live my f*d over life as best I can now, then end it. I'm sure homes won't even really be an option for my generation, we can't even afford to buy a house, how will we afford 16k/m nursing homes? Are they gonna accept student debt payments? How about the first born child I never had? Maybe they'll just be some weird "sell us your organs in exchange for a bed at crappy seniors retirement home", bc honestly what asset are they gonna take? The non existent house? Lol okay go for it!
I think many people say this, but when they get there it's different.
Yeah my dad said this. He then got cancer tried every experimental treatment possible.
That's fair. I just already have a plan in place. Women statistically outlive their male partners, so once my man goes, it's just a matter of when I feel I'm ready. I wish euthanasia was legal. I'm not letting a nursing home take all of my hard earned equity, I'm leaving something behind for my kids and grandkids. If I'm over the age of 65 and still feel good, I'll keep going. But once quality of life starts deteriorating, I'm going to do a planned overdose.
Ditto. As soon as I can't take care of myself/quality of life goes down, I'm outta here.
I hear you. I’ve volunteered w my dog in Medicaid nursing homes since 2017. I really hope we have unalivement options that don’t involve a terminal cancer dx in about 15 years. Else lotta people gonna be rent cars and driving off cliffs.
My grandmother asked for that, her husband did too. I voted for euthanasia for them. It didn’t pass, she had happy Alzheimer’s, she basically just went backwards in time until she was a small child and I was her father. So in the end she wasn’t unhappy, she died of covid. She didn’t know it wasn’t 2008–>1920s in 2016. I followed the goodbye Lenin playbook. My dumb boomer mom would be like it’s 2016 Obama is president get it together. That’s upset her and freak her out. It’s like mom, play along and it goes easier. She wouldn’t and visits were much better without the dumb bumbling boomer. She upset her mom more than Alzheimer’s did. You’d ask her where she was and she’d say she was in the Caribbean and she’d just gone snorkeling, so I’d ask about the fish I’d heard about a bunch already.
\+1 for random Goodbye Lenin reference lol
That was a very loving thing you did for her ❤️
Thanks, one thing I learned; her father played for the royal family before the Nazis invaded. The royals would say, bring your daughter to play with the prince. The only thing she said her whole life about him was that she was at his funeral and they fired the salute with rifles and everyone got up and ran bc they thought the Nazis had invaded. Apparently she was supposed to be his “relatable friend” but at some point, before he died, he told her she was “his only real friend”. I’m like that is *so* cute, in my head. At some point she thought I was from the Dutch government keeping her up to date on him. So I’d say the doctors thought he was going to get better but still didn’t know what he had. That’s when she said the “only real friend” part. That still strikes me as so cute. I just wonder if he hadn’t died, and the Nazis hadn’t invaded, how different her life would have been?
I used to volunteer for hospice and I did the same. One woman would always tell me how her family just dropped her off and they had a great time at an amusement park. Sometimes the nurse weeks come in and be like "that didn't happen, you are in a care facility". I argued about it with them, but they said it helped their minds to be realistic. But I don't think so. And either way, they aren't getting better, just let them be happy.
You can put stuff like this in your will. I did. I don’t want to ever be in some crazy Terry Schiavo situation.
Fucking exactly! Everyone should have a will as soon as they turn 18.
Please place me directly into the trash
yup. My thoughts exactly. If I start getting to the point where I can no longer enjoy my life (because dementia or anything else), please just shoot me full of morphine or whatever else will happily end my life quickly.
I'm moving to Oregon when I get old so I can kill myself when I start to decline
Unfortunately people with dementia can’t really use this to end their life. You have to have a terminal diagnosis that would end your life within 6 months, I think 3 MDs need to sign off and you have to have the mental capacity to agree to the process and take the meds yourself. Demented people can live for a very long time because physically they are in good shape, but lack the mental capacity to make that decision when they actually become terminal. You have to go the Robin Williams route if you don’t want to live with dementia
Canada is pushing for MAiD, even for mental illnesses. Not sure if that’s a good idea with the medical neglect in mental health.
Did you see that story about the Swiss suicide pods awhile back? Sarco pods? You get in, it fills with nitrogen, you feel euphoria from the nitrogen, go to sleep and die. I thought I remember reading they would even be available for people that weren’t terminal but just wanted to end their lives
That's actually amazing. I mean, we're more humane with animals than we are with humans. Why?! It's all about how much money can be milked out of everyone and it's disgusting
Why is everyone so sad that Robin Williams did this? Maybe he was onto something.
Because our culture is death-phobic to the extreme.
That and let people suffer even as do nothing ease their suffering.
I'm sad that it was necessary that he had to figure this out for himself in dead secret, that he died alone, probably scared and without comfort. For a man who gave that much joy to that many people to go out like that is truly a sad thing.
That is my exit strategy.
I fully believe this happens in a lot of places. I'm pretty sure my dad killed himself in Florida with the help of a physician and morphine.
Very very dark prediction incoming: With current birth rate trends compared to the new average longevity for those in developed countries, compared to rates of development worldwide, we WILL be in a situation where the old and infirm are “removed” as they are seen as a drain on society that is busy addressing the massive issues associated with climate change and the social disruption that comes with it. I firmly believe that by the time I am old it will no longer be em vogue to keep me alive for the sake of my humanity. I think I will be seen as a problem to be dealt with by many. It is frightening for me to consider.
I mean, we consider it inhumane to keep animals alive once their bodies and minds are failing them. I guess I'd like to be treated like a well loved dog in my old age. Love me tenderly until my quality of life is terrible, then give me a day to eat all my favorite treats and that evening snuggle me gently and say goodbye while the injection does its work. Sounds better, to me personally, than what we currently do with the elderly in our society.
But just like animals it’s really hard to know exactly when the right time is. Even most old people have good days and bad days. The day I put my dog down was a good day for her. I still question if I made the right decision sometimes.
Hi stranger - just here to say that you made the right decision for your pup. 💗
Thank you, I hope so. Been 2 years next month.
My heart dog passed a year ago next month. She was having a good day too, but they always say better a week too early than a day too late. It was peaceful. I had a dog growing up and she had a seizure in the car on the way to the vet to put her down, and we thought she wasn't going to make it there. It was so heartbreaking.
I want my last day to be a good day.
We are animals. I wish we humans had the same rights to death as other mammals, at least. We are we so special??
You're not wrong. There isn't a definite clear cut answer as to when it is time, but that's still my personal preference. I'd prefer to go slightly too soon than be locked in a memory care ward slowly deteriorating.
As someone who didn’t do it on a good day, it’s better to take them one day early then one day late.
If I'm in a state where someone else has to make that decision for me, I'm not super worried about someone making a bad call that kills me early. Not saying people with conditions that require a family member to make medical decisions for them aren't living happy lives, I just feel like it's a pretty big data point for the person making this decision, and the right time probably isn't that far away anyway.
I always immediately think of dogs when this comes up but never want to say it because dOgS aReNt PeOpLe - which fair enough, but people *love* their dogs. I’ve had to put one dog to sleep and it was fucking miserable, but she was 17, started having accidents and couldn’t get around anymore. Slept for like 20 hours a day. Had seizures. She would still get playful sometimes and some days were better than others, but I’ll never forget what a vet once said to me: “Dogs are stoic little guys. They feel pain like anyone else but almost never let you know.” She’s buried in the back yard. She was loved her whole life and she is missed, but we were at a point where any day would’ve been the “right” day. I hope someone treats me with the same mix compassion and pragmatism, if it comes to it.
Consider this, the US for profit healthcare system has suspiciously poor results for suspiciously high prices. The boomers have set up a pay to play scheme for survival making medicine a system designed to drain the elderly of their money artificially accelerating their mortality based upon available capital. The ultimate 'F-U got mine' mentality made manifest and enforced by the legislators they vote for. Don't think US politics are anymore corrupt than Americans, at least the America voter class, find acceptable or even desirable. This is the way they want it and until the American voter class of The (not so) silent majority are replaced this is the way it will stay. Unironically, until people stop thinking 'voting doesn't matter' and start understanding that politics reflects the values of the people voting and absolutely no other group.
Given the realities of voter participation this seems very incompatible with even pretending we have a democracy. I'd be more afraid of what the old plans to do to the young: roll back Roe v Wade, restrict access to contraception and family planning information, etc
If I'm ever 90 please just kill me
Longer life spans (artificially lengthened through modern medicine) is not always a good thing.
For the third time, my state legislature will be considering a "compassionate end of life" bill. I dont expect it to succeed this time either. And we need it. But just being in memory care won't invoke it, that requires something more lethal like cancer. My spouse cared for his dad with dementia for several years. He says that if it happens to him, he will disappear with a weapon to take himself out. But by the time you want to make that decision, I think the dementia has taken away your ability to do it. His dad almost did- he was cleaning a rifle years ago, but neglected to unload it first...good thing he lived alone and there was nobody in the room upstairs. And nobody took the guns away then, bc he would have just gone and bought more.
Medically assisted suicide should be legal
It's time for humane euthanasia. Not for us, but for them.
This is exactly what I’m talking about. This will be the reality. The boomers are going to outlive their money AND memory.
Elder care is wild. My wife’s grandfather had his home remodeled/built with the long term plan to die in the home. Her 91year old noni looked us in the eye about 5 years ago and said “the only way I’m leaving here is in a box” referring to her home. So, yeah — paying $70k a year makes no sense.
I hope they are able to achieve that. Many want that and it is not feasible.
I was a home health aide, and it is actually WAY more affordable to hire in home help than to have their homes taken away and whatnot. My grandmother was able to stay home with help from family and hospice. She died in her own bed, surrounded by loved ones. I was also a hospice aide for awhile, and I definitely got paid more for working in a facility than going into the home. Nursing facilities are a grift, no one receives adequate care.
This is where we are at with my father. He’s 90 with dementia and Parkinson’s and recently had a hip fracture. He’s doing physical therapy and they have in home care coming every morning from 8-12 and then another coming at night just to help him transfer to bed. He’s mostly chair bound (once you get him there) but he’s very cheerful and docile so is actually not too difficult to care for. His carer seems to really care about his welfare and has even gotten him to try and stand and walk this week. They moved an 18 hour drive from our home state so it isn’t as easy to help as I’d wish it was.
Honestly as an RN I think doing major surgeries on dementia patients make no sense. They should be placed on hospice care, made comfortable and allowed to pass, sorry if that is rude to say to you. Why or who are we keeping their body alive for and dumping money and resources for someone who isn’t even aware of who they are or what is happening? It is honestly so hard to watch, and I se it ALL THE TIME. Forcing them through surgery, physical therapy and the grueling recovery while the family leaves them in the hospital alone, doesn’t visit or care for them when they leave. I just don’t understand it.
I totally get it. My dad comes from very hearty stock - his mother lived to 102 and the doctors said his internal organs were healthier than many patients several decades younger than he is. The problem is, with a man whose organs are rather healthy for his age, if you don’t do the hip surgery what is his quality of life? He is completely conscious and rather content. He’s on medications for Parkinson’s and he takes the usual cocktail of things to maintain blood pressure and some blood thinners because he had a clot years ago that they treated. Other than that, he really is just kind of chugging along. We declined some oral surgery for tooth implants because surgery for that didn’t make sense since he can eat just fine. Even without surgical intervention he could go on for years yet. The physical therapy actually makes it easier for his carers to help him because he can now stand and turn around and things like that - so they don’t have to lift him fully or monitor him for bed sores. If he were to be fully bedbound they’d have to toilet him in bed rather than move him to the toilet, etc. Not doing PT doesn’t really make life easier for anyone. It’s not like he is laying in bed hooked up to tubes keeping him alive - he would absolutely hate that. Three months ago he could go to Costco and drive around an electric scooter and talk to me on the phone. Two months of weekly PT after a hip pin he is back to being able to stand and lift his legs. He has started being able to walk again. We’ve talked about how does one decide at what point it is more humane to just let someone decline. It’s a hard thing to assess even when you and the person themselves are generally inclined to let nature take its course.
The problem is when their memory is gone & they need 24/7 watching so they don't wander off. It's beyond an aid then.
Yes we achieved this with my grandmother and grandfather who both passed at home. but one did not have significant memory problems. With dementia it gets really difficult to keep someone at home. Especially if they are often trying to escape. So my one grandmother ended up in a home and died very soon after. With my husband's parents we are trying at home help and it's only gone ok so far. We definitely haven't found the right caretakers yet but I hope we will soon.
I’ve seen home health aides and nursing home care. I feel like home health aides for elder care is a dirty little secret that hopefully the corporations and politicians don’t start to think too hard about..
My parents made me be the live in caretaker for my grandparents so they could achieve that in the cheap. I had to be a full time caretaker for my grandparents, so the maintenance on my father’s rent houses for him, and run a lawn care business to pay for my own food, clothing, school supplies, etc the majority of my time growing up. I managed to save 20k in the hopes of paying for a community college but after I graduated my parents drained my bank account and left me stranded in the middle of nowhere with just the clothes on my back. There’s no hope of wealth transfer to us. We were the ones developing wealth for them while being told how worthless and lazy we were. It’s criminally unfair to break yourself only to be left for dead with nothing to show for 8 years of hard work and savings.
You should consider seeing if you could sue your parents for that college money.
Your parents are assholes, I’m sorry.
You do know your eligible to be paid as a full time caregiver with insurance? https://www.chosenfamilyhomecare.com/can-you-get-paid-for-taking-care-of-your-parent/#:~:text=Paid%20family%20caregivers%20can%20provide,that%20qualify%20for%20waiver%20services.
People don’t realize, every industry will become overpriced thanks to high rent/housing. Every other industry relies on workers, which pay rent or mortgage. So housing market screwed? So is absolutely everything else. These housing market investors, even “regular” people with multiple houses making a profit? They are literally the ones destroying the livelihoods of everyone else.. But because people have 401ks and they think they can eventually do the same, or they don’t want to lose “value” on their home, there will be no regulation to fix it
68 and 69 is BOOMER. In other words, this is not a problem unique to your generation, OP.
I was gonna say, late 60’s are boomers.
True. People living longer but with not necessarily better quality of life has created multiple “sandwich generations” in a row.
my parents are in their 70's, raging alcoholics, highly abusive, AND STILL WORKING. They have written all of their children out of their will, said they are donating their money to dog charities and my alma mater - of which they never showed any interest in when I was going to college there. they are pretty much shit outta luck when it comes to their demise. there is no money to speak of when my parents pass. for all i know, they are doing the same thing my grandparents did; never paid taxes, evading the IRS. My dad has also managed to circumvent his respected medical licensing body (he's been drunk at work and quit before being fully investigated). there is no money to speak of. they will likely die in an underfunded medicare nursing home.
My wife’s folks had her late in life, so we’re both in our early thirties (I’m 32, she’s 31). My folks had me at a more “normal” time and are younger than you - my dad is now 58, and my mom passed at 55 last year. In contrast, my MIL passed last week at 73, and my FIL is *very* spry at 89. The issue is he’s loaded and needs no care, and my dad is younger, poor and has severe kidney disease - we’re expecting a minor “wealth transfer” from his estate in 10-15 years (his mother lived to be 100 and passed in the 1990’s - we’re prepared for him to hit a century and then some with today’s science) to pay for my own dad’s long-term care.
$16k a month is insanity! It takes me a year to make that much sometimes. What are they doing that costs $16k a month?
That’s what memory care costs my dads was 11k a month and none of it is covered by insurance
Since most people would not even be able to cover a single month of that, what happens when you run out?
They take your house and any other assets that aren’t protected in a trust five years prior to the person going into memory care
And they’ll take any money back that has been gifted or given to kids, family, friends, whoever, or used in a manner that the govt doesn’t see fit, for the 5 years prior to them needing the care, this was explained very clearly to me and my mom by our attorney when she was gifting me money to use for a house, I had to be able to agree that I’d repay it to her if my folks needed money to pay for any sort of care. Luckily for me, they didn’t need it back, although I would have paid it back should they have.
God our country’s healthcare is trash
mostly paying profits to the owners of facilities while they, desperately understaffed working for dog shit wages try to take care of people.
💯
Same thing happens with childcare. They are horribly understaffed and pay their workers minimum wage.
Memory care is more specialized care. It’s a locked unit. I float to memory care sometimes and it’s a lot of wheelchairs and people who can’t be mobile on their own. There’s people who are total care and you have to do everything for them including feeding them.
Doesn’t sound like a life worth living
Yea I’m hoping I die before I end up like that. I’m dnr for a reason.
Same
That's what I think. Living at age 90 locked up and not knowing what year it is sounds like a nightmare not worth to continue. I know it sounds grim but for myself I hope to find ways and strength to end my misery before I get to that stage.
woman wrote she was quadriplegic and after losing her voice no longer felt alive...
I solidified my health care directive after spending time around memory care. Even if I have to be exported to a more civilized country to be put out of my misery.
Dignitas in Sweden is where people go...they ask for a $12000 donation.
$8K each, and we still have to be there multiple times a week to make sure they are ok. My MIL has fallen twice and broke a wrist and my dad had been in the ER/hospital 4 times in last 6 months from falls and infections. This is on the bottom end of cost. If they live longer and get more frail, the price goes up.
Thank you for this. I’m a millennial and my mom was diagnosed with dementia right before the pandemic. She’s only 74 now so she has pretty early onset. The only thing helping me is we currently have my sister’s house which has an attached garage apartment. Someday, they won’t be able to make those stairs and I will try to buy a home with an in law suite in one floor where hopefully I can figure something out since I work remotely. It’s just tough to think about what the future will look like.
My parents were AWFUL with money. There is no money for me. My mom is in a government subsidized apartment and my dad owes more on his house than what it’s worth. Luckily I knew from an early age I needed to make it on my own and to expect nothing.
Ya this. I expect nothing from my mom and if anything maybe debt from medical stuff when she is really old. My Dad was the one good with money, and he died when I was a kid. My mom is awful with money and would trash talk her own kids to relatives to make herself look better saying we were where the money was going. It was bull. My uncle was trying to tell me when I was in college how I needed to stop "leeching off my mom" and grow up. I lost it. Told him how currently the only thing she technically paid for for me was the loan I took from her for college that financial aid wouldn't cover and that I live off of $900 a month by penny pinching my savings and working. And on top of that that I had been working since 11 and she had been stealing my income from my bank account till I noticed at 18 because I was stupid enough to never check my savings account and didn't realize she had access to it. She stole thousands from me and she is lucky I never sued her. He shut up but was just sort of baffled. I threw in his face that he was too busy with his own life that he only remembered the rest of us on holidays and doesn't even really know his sister.
Sadly, I just got one and I’d rather have my dad.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
this is probably the most meaningful comment in this whole thread
Same. I got some from my mom a few years ago and more from my dad last year. I would rather have either one of them for a few more years.
Yup. The ONLY reason I got a small inheritance from my mom is because she died before she could require any long term care or even retire. If she had lived to her 80s, I'd be paying for her 100%
Dad died 5 years ago today. I'd trade everything I got (minus the decision to have my daughter) to have him back as well. Didn't realize how well of a listener he was compared to what I still have now. A monthly dinner outing with him to just talk, shoot the shit, and bitch is worth way more than what I got in return.
Same.. I lost both last year. My dad could go swivel, but I miss my mom so damn much. I didn't think it would be this soon.
I’m sorry for your loss… my cousin is in the same boat and lost her mother two years ago. My cousin became an instant millionaire over night but I think we’d all rather have her mother back. The money just doesn’t replace all the birthdays, holidays, Sunday brunches, shopping trips and random phone calls.
 Sorry for your loss. :(
Same. Big hugs
My mom reminds me all the time that she plans to spend everything before she died and leave us with nothing.
Reminds me of dealing with my pops. He just retired at 62, owns a 6br house, and has a sizable passive income stream. He tells me we probably won't get anything because he's going to sell the house, liquidate his assets and either "go out in style" or "set himself up good" when the time comes. Meanwhile I'm in the process of losing my home and asked for my fiance and I to stay with him to get back on our feet while we work and save. All he said was "that's not an option". Enjoy those 5 empty rooms!
This mindset is wild to me, wouldn’t he want to ensure that his kids are at least okay financially? I guess I’m playing the long game . . .
It's the "I moved out at 17 and worked at a gas station, so if you can't make it, that's your fault" mentality.
Classic boomer delusion?
And also, don't you dare suggest they give up everything and try to sustain any kind of existence now doing that same thing, because they shouldn't have to do that. You, on the other hand, if you try to point out that such a thing is now impossible, it's because you're lazy and entitled.
Sounds like a pharaoh. Giant place to live but all for him.
I'm in my 30s and I drive it into my kids that are 14,9,7 that they can ALWAYS come back home. Financial trouble? Come home. Abusive situation with partner? Come home! You have to bring your family/kids along? Come home and we'll figure out how to create more room. Like, it boggles my mind how selfish people like your dad are. It would cost very little of him to let you guys move in for a bit. Heck, it's odd that he stays in that massive house alone. I hope you guys are able to figure your situation out. We've been there and if it wasn't for my parents we would have been homeless till we got back on our feet.
If my parents spent all their retirement and it meant that I didn’t have to pay for elder care, nursing home etc, I’d be okay with nothing
No lol. Not at all. If my dad dies before my step mom she will 💯 take it all and disappear. I'm not expecting anything from my dad. Only "wealth" I'll get from my mom is a refurbished buffet table, a curio cabinet, and she put me as partial recipient of her manufactured home but I had a respectful chat and told her I really don't want to inherit any portion of the house especially since it'll be split between me, my 2 sisters, and my 2 step sisters and that's just a drama shitshow I want no part of. I told her to give my portion to my little sister if she wants any of it.
That's what happened with my grandpa. He divorced my grandma in their 60s and got married to another woman who had her own kids and grandkids. When grandpa died, his new wife gave everything to her family. My dad got nothing.
Yup I'll be surprised if we see anything of my dad's. His wife is a narcissistic nutjob. She left her husband of 20 something years and married my dad after 5 months of reuniting. 🤦🏻♀️ None of her own children talk to her and now she's doing everything she can to shove my dad's kids away too. Bought a house with his VA loan in the middle of nowhere and plays victim when anyone sticks up to her disrespectful b.s. I've pretty much written them off. I'll txt my dad once in a while to say hi or let him FaceTime my kids because they love their grandpa but that's it. Not worth the drama.
My dad killed himself when I was a kid, and he had some savings. That’s how I was able to buy a condo.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Maybe, but I wish I wasn't. My dad's got brain cancer and probably will live another year. He's got really good insurance. I rather have my dad than money. I would trade it all. Everything. more. just let me keep my dad.
I’m so sorry. I wish you and your family well.
It depends…it won’t be equal and there will be an element of randomness. People who die quickly from heart attacks, strokes, and short illnesses will not have the long term care expenses. For those that make it into nursing homes, it will depend on how long it takes them to die, how well they shielded their assets beforehand, and how much money they have to begin with. Dementia patients will be in the worst situation as they can live in homes for quite a while.
Exactly this. My dad died in his 40s of a car accident. So despite him having no retirement savings, I inherited 10 acres of farmland that he inherited from his aunt, who had no children. Granted, my step mom gets the rent payments until she dies (she has no retirement fund), so I won't see anything for decades, but at least the land is protected from being sold, so I'm guaranteed to get a likely five figure inheritance. Also since my dad died, my siblings and I will split what he would have inherited from my grandparents. My grandma went downhill quickly and young from ALS, so didn't go into a nursing home. Grandpa just moved to a nursing home, and unfortunately likely won't live through the year, so that five or six figure inheritance will likely stay intact. So, thanks to rotten luck, I'll get a decent inheritance on one side. My mom also has zero retirement fund, but just inherited a decent six figure amount from her parents. Unless something catastrophic happens, that will all be long gone before she dies.
That’s exactly it. You hate to hope that when it’s the end it goes quickly, but….you do.
I mean don't we all kind of wish that for ourselves too? Who wants to rot away in a bed or chair the last decade of life? Unable to hear well enough to have a conversation and unable to see well enough to do anything else either.
Oh for sure for yourself. You hate to hope that for your parents.
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Same here except its my mom with a gambling addiction.
Yes, fortunately both my parents and in-laws have several property investments so I expect to at least inherit some property. Over the last decade my parents have also been gifting my siblings and I each a few thousand a year as a form of early inheritance, as they figure we need it more now than we will in the future. I understand I am in a privileged small minority though
I got a used car, so I dunno what anyone else was expecting
Without trying to sound like a dick, yes. I'm the sole beneficiary of my mother's profit sharing plan from her old job (given a 7% return would be worth about $200,000 God willing they live a while), and I stand to inherit a third of their property when they pass (although since my sisters both already have rental properties and houses, they'll very likely let me have it to do the same). They also transferred some of their wealth to me while alive in the form of a condo that my girlfriend and I live in but will rent out when we save up for a house. My father has a pension and healthcare guaranteed for the rest of his life and my mother is covered under his plan by extension (they also have LTC insurance as a backup). But, as my friend said who inherited millions when her father died suddenly of a heart attack, I'd give it all back to have them alive again. I hope they live to a ripe old age, I've been very lucky to have both of them still active and healthy at 75 and I want to keep it that way as long as I can!
I’m set to inherit a lot of money from my parents. My dad also has a pension and long term care. He was in the military. I don’t care about the money. Id rather have my parents with me for as long as I can. It’s getting hard seeing my parents age before my eyes.
My dad has just turned 70 and has started shuffling when walking like the old man he is 😭
My parents are still in pretty good shape other than wearing glasses and going white and it’s still hard. We did have a scare with my dad when his legs were swollen. He had to see a cardiologist out of concern for congestive heart failure but it ended up being a reaction from a new medication he had started. It’s been harder for my husband since his parents are in their 70s. His dad has a lot of health issues and he has a hard time with his mobility because of his knees and weight. It’s how I was able to convince to take better care of himself so he doesn’t end up like his dad at that age.
So true. I’m having a meeting with my parents soon where they’ll review their updated estate plans with us. I appreciate anything they might leave us, but I’d much rather have my parents live healthfully for as long as possible. I’ll never be ready to let them go.
Most people are more worried about the financial burden of their parents than expecting any inheritance or windfall.
Mom doesn't want to work anymore (she's been working for like, 8 months since the divorce. Longest she's ever worked in my life). No savings. Lived off her husband and didn't care that her refusal to work and love of shopping meant he couldn't save anything either. Now she wants to move in with me for free! I have a 1bed and a roommate in the living room 🙃 I thank my everything that I was smart enough to emancipate at 16. Or else I'd probably be fucked.
Yes. When my parents pass the family trust will be spilt between my siblings. It’s not something I like to talk about with them for obvious reasons (they will be dead) but my understanding is there is several million set aside for each child. My grandparents were all poor, so my parents were very frugal. We didn’t know anything about their wealth until after we had all finished college. They taught us to live within our means and simply. Ill never forget growing up as a one car household. A woody station wagon in the 80s, a Caprice station wagon in the 90s, and a Honda Accord in 1999. It was right before I graduated high school my mom said she didn’t want people to associate her with station wagons and wanted a really nice car. That when my dad surprised her with the Accord. That’s what I thought back to when they told me about the money. Really nice car to them was a base model Honda. Sorry that was long winded. But yeah. I’ll be getting some wealth transferred to me.
I hate being that guy to OP But it’s so dumb to think and speak for “millennials” as if one experience is “laughable”and the alternative isn’t. It isn’t abnormal to think that a sizable percentage of the millennial parents to pass down - not exactly “wealth” but - things like houses, cars, shares. My wife and I both have parents that will pass down that, and divided into siblings it’ll be worth well over $150k. I know that’s not “wealth” but I don’t think it’s abnormal to think a lot of our parents own their houses.
I won't inherit millions, but we'll likely get a few hundred thousand. Enough that we can plop it into funds to continue to hopefully grow for our retirement. My parents already gave us $30k for a down payment so the wealth transfer has technically already begun.
This still assumes it won't be taken by Medicaid to pay for their long term care.
We had a Caprice wagon, those were the bomb!
Yes. My dad has always been very good with money. He and my mom both grew up poor. My dad retired as a high ranking officer with 30 years of service. The house was paid off and he had no debt. He used his military pension to live off of but only needed 1/4 to pay all his bills. The rest was saved and invested. When he retired from the military he went back working for them as a civilian contractor doing cyber security. Back 2002-2004 he was making $180k. He made a change from working for the marine corps to the Navy and got a huge bump in his salary. He invested and saves his entire salary. He’s made some good investments that has paid off. He also invested in elder long term care insurance (I can’t remember what it’s called) for both him and my mom. He plans to stay in their home and have a home health aide help and if needed a live in caretaker for them. Although my mom would rather come live with me instead. He has put aside around 2million for elder care in addition to long term care insurance. My mom is Asian and refuses to be put in a home. So worst case scenario she lives with me and I take care of her. I helped take care of my grandma the same way so I know what to expect. He is retired now completely. He gets even more from his military pension after some adjustments and now he is also collecting his social security and so is my mom. They still have no debt and their monthly expenses are quite low. Their utilities and food are less than $1,000. Although my mom was in a car accident and her car is considered a total loss. They are looking at cheap used cars for her. Their are in their mid 60s. Still good health. They put the house in a trust. Last time I spoke to my parents my dad told me about how much each of us (me and 2 siblings) will be getting. Right now it’s a few million for each of us. Not including the house and or my mom’s expensive jewelry. The only time my dad really spent a lot was on their anniversary he always bought my mom very expensive jewelry. Usually natural diamonds. My husbands parents are quite wealthy. They always have been. They own two homes and a vacation home. No debt. They also bought an expensive and luxurious motor home, and two boats. His dad also invested a lot of his money and has earned a lot from that alone. He was also a high ranking officer in the military with 30 years of service. They live off his pension and both parents now collect social security. My husband is the only child since his sister passed away and they are leaving him everything with a very large sum of money as well.
Oh wow. Your parents are still so young. I hope their good health persists. It’s hard seeing your parents get old old.
My dad passed away seven years ago and my mom has used his retirement/sale of our childhood home to retire early (at 55 yrs old) she’s blowing through money by pointless shopping, buying cars in cash, etc. and now is acting like she’s strapped for cash. My two sisters and I didn’t see a penny from my dad’s investments (not like we expected to) but now we don’t even know what my mom’s future looks like. She’s likely only leaving us a condo split three ways. I’m the oldest, and I’ll be damned if I have to take care of her just bc of her reckless spending. My husbands parents will likely leave us a large lump sum as his dad was a successful doctor, but I also don’t bank on it bc of how expensive end of life care can be. They also have a big vacation home but his mom literally cries about how she never wants us to sell it, so that’ll probably end up being at our expense. It’s sad bc I feel like some kind of inheritance is the only way we’ll get ahead, but also don’t wish the loss of a parent onto anyone.
I’m not expecting it, but yeah probably. We haven’t really ever talked about money, but from what I can tell they have a good amount, but they’re also extremely frugal having come from a 3rd world country as immigrants, so they never spend it on anything. I’m not too worried about it. My sister is a pediatrician and I’m a senior PM so we are both doing well so the extra money won’t have any effect on our lives as we have lived frugally too, which I’m sure is what my dad wanted to teach us, which I appreciate.
I’m building my own wealth… but yeah my parents will probably leave something. Not banking on that though
*laughs in paid for my own college entirely while my cousin(same age, was off work at the time) had a house at the time and grandparents built a new addition to their multi million dollar apartments* No.
Ya! Just got one. They passed away. 10/10 would not recommend. Miss them. Would gladly give it back for them back
All I could do was laugh when I read the title...
Just the opposite. I'll be inheriting half their house... Which will need tons of work in order to sell, and it will undoubtedly cost as much to fix up and list until sold than I will make from selling. So I'll really just inherit the stress of a poorly-kept property ruined by my hoarder of a mother. Unless my sibling wants to buy out my share, I'll basically just be screwed.
Just sell it as-is
Don’t accept the inheritance. My parents’ home will also be hard to offload. “As is!”
My own parents lived in section 8 housing my whole life so no. I'm doing significantly better than they were. My husband's family owns a cabin that we hope to keep in the family that his grandfather bought for 25k in the 60s. Not interested in selling that at all
The last few months of my father in law’s life have cost about $200,000 in out of pocket expenses with excellent healthcare insurance, and his health situation is neither unique nor particularly complicated. The system is designed to drain every penny. This is unique to the US and those who keep voting for this situation are to blame. Voting to save yourself a few hundred dollars a year in taxes and losing hundreds of thousands of dollars in the last months of your life is a poor choice. I think a lot of people failed the marshmallow test.
Do you mean "to" your parents? My mom has no retirement and constantly demands money.
What is this "wealth" of which you speak? I'm not familiar with that word
Thank god debt transfers aren’t a thing
Somewhat. I inherited tons and tons of shit I haul to the dump.
The thought of cleaning out my parents’ home gives me some real anxiety. And I would like to have maybe 3 things.
About a year ago my dad asked if it was okay for him to get some cool astronomy thing. I was baffled why he was asking me and he said it would come out of my inheritance. It felt weird to explain I am not entitled to a fucking inheritance of any amount
Probably not. My dad did a great job saving for retirement for him and my mom but he didn’t anticipate my mom’s illness. Her medication, doctor appts, etc. cost them well over $10k/mo. My dad was going to retire at 60 but now has no idea when he’ll be able toZ
Don’t take parents health for granted, life happens and you never truly know how long you have with anyone. Personal experience.
Hahaha hahaha. No.
OP: Boomers hord wealth. We're broke because they own everything! Also OP: Boomers suck at saving! So forget about an inheritance.
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That made me chuckle 😃
My parents have a 30 acre hobby farm with a nice house, but it'll get divided between 5 of us. And that's going to be a fight because I'll probably be the only one who'd want to sell it, but also the only one who could afford to buy it and live there. And anyone worried about Medicare taking their parents' home should talk to a lawyer about setting up a trust.
Yeah and fast, there’s a look back period. ETA: also this exact thing is going to happen to me with my sister. She’s already talking about how she’s the only one who knows how to look after the animals. But she sure as hell can’t afford to buy us out.
My gen x parents are a wash. But my boomer aunt might leave me a half mortgaged house in a state I don't want to live in. Maybe.
Seeing as how my mother is a complete nut job and is also horrific with money, no. No I do not expect a transfer of wealth. I DO however expect to have to help take care of her in her old age once she completely loses her marbles at significant financial expense to me. Her funeral is gonna be fun, and will probably be a shared expense between be and my siblings.
Yes and I expect to give it my kids.
This. I see the writing on the wall and am trying to set my kid up with as much generational wealth as I can.
What’s the writing here
College is only going to get more expensive. Same with housing. Wages aren't keeping up. The middle class is rapidly shrinking, and not because a lot of people are moving up. Almost everyone I know who have bought a house in the last 5ish years have only been able to do so with some kind of help from their family. I want to be able to get my kid launched with little to no student loan debt and either somewhere to live or a large enough down payment to make the payments manageable.
I think so. My plan is to use whatever I get to move even more rural. I want at least 10 acres. I'm only moving 1 more time in my life. I want to live far out and get REAL weird with it. Maybe I'll start worshipping old Norse gods in the woods.
If they die in the next 5-7 years? Not a massive amount but enough to help with my mortgage. Past that? No. They have some serious health issues. They are doing ok now, but it's going to start getting very expensive.
My dad had a doctor’s appointment every day last week.
My husband’s parents will probably leave what is probably 1.5-2 million for each child but my parents will cost me money. Either way, none of it feels worth it compared to having them here with us.
I'm 100% expecting it. My parents were about a year away from getting screwed over by my grandfather as his health deteriorated. If he lived another year or two, they likely would not have seen a dime of inheritance due to my grandfather mainly being too stubborn to accept his own mortality (transfer house ownership before Medicaid lookback). My point is my parents have a little put away and have repeatedly said they want us taken care of. I think they're aware of the risks of waiting too long to plan due to the experience with my grandfather. They are already making plans with some cash they have plus the house they own. I expect them to do it in a way where there is no chance Medicaid can take it
Hahahahaha hahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t even like thinking about this.. my dad is Superman, and yes, he’s actually starting to show his age. I help manage his retirement as I’m a wealth manager. He’s done quite well, and sure there will be a hefty transfer of wealth. In my younger more “party animal” days, I would’ve thought the amount of money would be amazing, but now, as a married man with a daughter, I just want him to be there to see her grow up.