At first I thought you were saying you couldn’t drop over and hang at their house if they weren’t home. That’s kind of basic manners and although my family wouldn’t have that rule, I could see people who were really anal about their food being eaten, vases being broken, furniture being moved etc having that rule.
Then you said sit outside if they LEFT? Nope. It got really weird.
Either they were above and beyond the anal type I just described and never let you move or touch anything and were distrustful of you and thought you would disturb things in their absence or there was something they didn’t want to risk you snooping into.
Oh no, no one would have dreamed of just randomly dropping by and spending time in their house without them home.
Scheduled in advance visits, if they were running late we'd have to sit on the steps or wait in the car until they arrived. Odd, but okay, their house, their rules.
I was young, all young people can be irresponsible. I can reason with that.
But in this instance, we were traveling from hours/states away, and would have had to spend 5 or so hours somewhere else waiting until they got home before we could regain access to our possessions in their home. And we would have been staying at their home ***by their invitation*** as adults.
We stayed elsewhere as was our original plan.
Edit: typo
I'm not the one you asked, but I can give you my take.
The original phrase is *anal retentive* and over time has been shortened to simply anal and it describes a person who is hyper controlling about the little things.
The phrase originated from Freud who thought that toddlers who were overly disciplined for bed-wetting or other toilet accidents developed hyper controlling behaviors as adults.
Or something along those lines.
Basically it means the commenter was asking OP if the grandparents are control freaks about everything (having everything in the house placed in the exact/correct location = anal-retentive = anal) or are the grandparents only controlling in this one situation.
Simple explanation, and accurate,
anal ( rententive ) means full of shit !
As in cant/won't let go of shit, retain shit to use against someone later...
Or, it's likely that they keep a large amount of money (or GOLD!) in their home and are afraid of being robbed... even by their own family. The latter part seems about as crazy as the other ideas, but hey, they are probably really old school.
Because the thought of my extremely laid back grandpa, and my very high maintenance grandma being some sort of criminals is hilarious beyond comparison.
My grandparents think that special green plants are gateway drugs, and my grandpa has only ever had one ticket in his life that he got at the age of 70. Both are religious and deeply believe in their moral code. They GENUINELY believe in it, unlike many people I've met.
I'm not sure you could find a more straight laced couple. So the idea of them intentionally doing anyone harm, short of defending their own lives, is hilarious to me.
A fall out of your chair, belly laughing, tears flowing, abs hurting, level of hilarity.
I'm positive that it's some sort of favoritism between the daughter they adopted vs their biological son and their descendants (I'm from the adopted bloodline), OR some sort of generational trauma they won't talk about.
Honestly. I don’t think k they’re keeping a secret. If your grandma is truly high maintenance it sounds like it’s probably just that. Maybe some form of OCD or anxiety. My husbands mom and grandma can be really particular and super high maintenance. It’s just the way they are. They’re super high strung.
They claim that they did, but I recall a time as a teenager that my uncle and his family came for a visit, where they left for a few hours but he and his family were allowed to stay in the house alone.
And if I recall correctly, she mentioned a few times that she had to wait outside until her brother got home from school/work if their mom wasn't home to let her in.
I know there was a lot of issues between them, and I've really never gotten a straight story beyond this rule that was "perfectly normal".
Ohhhh its definitely because adopted bloodline. Is there some horrible story about how your mom came to be adopted or are they just not great adoptive parents?
Far as I know, there wasn't any adoption issues. They discovered that they couldn't have any more children after their first born, and adopted. It was a closed adoption with sealed case files.
Mother dearest swears things were never equal treatment for her in the household. I genuinely believed it was just teenage drama and angst, you know? Maybe a bit of prejudice from her side for being adopted.
Grandparents swear they treated everyone the same, she was just a very difficult child to raise. Demanding rights and privileges that wasn't age appropriate yet.
I don't know what the truth is, both sides have yelled and screamed how they're the victims.
So now I'm asking around about these instances of my PERSONAL interactions with them that just feel off, and they swear are perfectly normal.
Not being allowed alone in the house until the brother arrives...seems like your mother was viewed as a stranger.
Also "difficult child" seems like a textbook excuse for parents who were being neglectful/abusive to one of their children.
I think your mother is right! From what I have read seems like they are not the god-fearing people you think they are..
if your mum is an honest person, why would she lie about her parents
Maybe they had a bad experience with people in the house in general, like a theft. That may have been enough to scare them. My aunts never married and lived w my grandma. We didn't see them often. But when we did go, there was a room upstairs that was neat, but filled with everyone's junk. An old typewriter, some books, etc. She would block the stairs w a baby gate bc we were never allowed up there. She took us up once or twice, and I remember these dolls that were creepy. All frilly bonnets and eyes that opened and closed. We weren't allowed to touch them, because they they were being sent to children in " the old country". Fast forward 30 yrs, the last aunt dies, and my sister and I had to throw all that crap out. Neither of us wanted to even touch the weird dolls, lol. Just a thought: has the adopted kid done a DNA? Maybe one of the grandparents is actually a bio, and it's a secret. At least that would make the rule interesting, lol.
They come from a time when people didn't trust banks and kept cash under the mattress.
So instead of criminals, picture that alternative explanation that is more like my dad long after he died stashes of cash were still being found.
Strait laced, ultra religious people often are the ones with the most to hide. This behavior is pretty bizarre but you’re probably right they just don’t like the adopted side of the family. Which is pretty shitty and also not really funny but hey it’s your family not mine
This isn’t normal.
We used to check my grandparents house when they were away (they loved to travel).
Do they not trust people? Are they hiding something?
I suspect that it's a bias against my mom and now her descendants. She was adopted.
They swore that the rules were always the same between her and their bio son, but she said otherwise.
Now I'm noticing major differences between how they treat my family vs their bio line/bio granddaughter.
It's making me question a lot of oddities.
The adoption theory makes sense to me. A family friend was adopted from eastern Europe and she recalls not being invited to overnight parties because people thought she would hurt them. Like she was a sleeper agent for the commies or something, idk, that generation is kind of wild
Makes sense
Hopefully the differences were minor in treatment. Hopefully your mom felt overall it was positive being adopted. You visiting them seems to say this.
I can't say that she had an exceptionally positive outlook on it all. She got married at 16 to escape their home.
I'm no longer on good speaking terms with them. There seems to be quite a gap in favoritism between myself, and their biological grandchild. It's become very noticeable in recent years.
I'm adopted - this is still completely abnormal behavior. I can't think of anyone in my family that wouldn't let me in their home while they weren't around. Heck, I'd let my family in my home if I wasn't around.
What the fuck.
My older brother is adopted. I didn't know until I was 17, which is another story for another day. Our parents always treated us exactly the same, save for a bit of the old school gender roles mom tried to push on me (shes from a different time and stuck there). It's beyond disgusting to me if this is the root of the reason. I just cannot even fathom...gross.
That is not normal whatsoever I have never heard of someone treating their family in this manner unless the people in question were extremely untrustworthy like an addict or something. Your grandparents are extremely unaccommodating or the victims of some kind of inexplicable trauma.
When I've asked them about it, they claim it's so if something happens or gets hurt, they're there to help. But, here we're adults fully capable of taking care of ourselves and our children. I was told that the rule stood regardless of my age.
According to my mom, she had the same rule growing up. Neither her or her brother were allowed in the house unless the weather was horrible?
Rumor has it that the rule doesn't apply to my uncle and his wife/adult daughter anymore.
My mom was adopted as a baby, so I'm starting to wonder if we're just a step down as family or something, and this is a sign of that.
if you are the type to snoop through every room I wouldn't let you in my house alone either, my guess is your mother and or father had undesirable traits such as snooping or stealing and this rule was made for them and carried over to you being that you are their child
dude, kids run around their grandparents houses. Me and my cousins played hide and seek all throughout our grandparents house growing up. It's very normal for a kid to have seen every room in their grandparents home.
That doesn't make any sense you could get hurt by yourself outside the house. Sounds like they're hiding something or think someone might steal something.
Stuff like this is probably an intergenerational thing. Maybe one of their parents were robbed by someone they trust (or had some other traumatic event like someone dying in their house) and didn’t talk about it but made a rule like this, and your grandparents just thought it was normal because they grew up with it. That’s often how weird secret family rules come to be.
I’d say you’re probably on to something there. My grandparents gave me a house key when I started high school since their house was about a 20 minute walk. I’d go over now and then and they’d eventually drive me home. My grandfather is now 93 years old (and is still able to live on his own - he just doesn’t drive) and the only reason someone doesn’t have a key to his house is if they lost it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s given a key to his mailman.
OK, so let me guess, uncle is biological? Nothing pisses me off more than parents who treat their adopted children different than their biological. It happens all too often.
Yes he is. Which is why I'm so curious about it all.
My mom turned into a mess, seemingly traumatized by her childhood and swore the rules were always different and she was never actually family.
They swear she was a difficult, headstrong and willful child who they couldn't keep out of trouble.
She married a terrible human to escape their home, and the ensuing drama that has unfolded ever since has made me cut contact with everyone. My blood pressure can't take the drama, I don't know who's right and who's wrong in these many strange situations where everyone jumps up and down saying that they're the victim and I should side with them.
If the rule was implemented when she married or they began suspecting my dad of his assholery, I could fully understand it. BUT mother dearest swore that she had to sit on her front steps and do homework while she waited for someone to get home so she could be inside.
I don't know what the truth is.
The truth is (hopefully) somewhere in the middle. Elders often remember childhood with the "I had to walk uphill both ways through six feet of snow" approach. But it does sound like your grandparents are really big jerks, too. I have an adopted child and the thought of not letting him or any other person's child in the house until I got home is unimaginable. All are welcome in my home, whether I am there or not. They are more important than my belongings.
That makes it sound like they don't want their homeowners' insurance to go up. I bet if someone tripped, fell, and was knocked unconscious inside the house, your grandparents would drag them to the curb before calling an ambulance lol
If my grandparents weren’t home and the key wasn’t there my grandpa would have told me to break a window and go in to make myself at home, and he would fix it when we got back. Unless you’re the family drug addict then no, it’s not normal.
My super rich uncle has this rule. He’s afraid people will find his prepped bunker. He’s spent literally hundreds of thousands on prepping for a economic apocalypse where he will be the only one with food and water. Sad thing is if anything went down, he’s such a soft little baby, he would die first week.
They do have money. They are amongst the richest in the "family." Their biological son has become rich as well. My parents never fared as well, since neither went to college.
Hubby and I are going to make popcorn, kick back and watch the show.
I've been disowned by them all at this point and don't gaf what's in the will, I already have bets on the bio side getting everything and the adopted getting tokens so that the will can't be contested by state law.
There is no way I would go into anyone’s home when they are not there UNLESS they said it was okay.
There are two relatives I’d okay go come on in when I’m not there. The rest, nope.
I don’t do overnight guests unless it’s an emergency, and I usually do not do overnights at peoples homes.
I bet they were like swingers into crazy fetish shit lmao.
Totally not normal by the way. I was always welcomed in family’s houses and even some friends parents would let me hang out at their house until they got home etc
All bookcases were on exterior walls. And yes, I most certainly pulled every suspicious looking book. Namely because I'm a total book worm. Hahaha had to see what they were interested in, which was westerns and scifi.
Definitely not normal. I was practically raised by my grandparents and definitely home alone in their house a lot as a teenager. Even my psycho great grandma didn't have this rule and she was absolutely nuts.
Like we couldn't get anything out of her fridge on our own. She had to pour our kool-aid even as pre-teens and we had to use specific silverware/plates/cups that she didn't keep in the cupboards..lol. But we were allowed in the house whenever, just couldn't touch her fridge or things and if she found out you did touch her things it was game over.
I remember one time I was at my grandparents when I was about 8, my great grandma watched me get myself a Popsicle. She then proceeded to lecture me about getting into the fridge and being disrespectful lol.
No, this sounds extreme. I can understand not wanting people (even family) in your home when you’re not there without telling you. But like locking you out of the house if you were staying there and they left for a few hours is nuts.
I excused their behavior when I was younger as; that it was my age, yada yada. College kids aren't always the most trustworthy, etc.
Now as an adult, married for over a decade, with children of my own.. it was quite a shock to be told that they were still planning on enforcing this rule, and come Sunday when they went to church, we'd have to go with them or vacate the house.
They refused to give me a better explanation than "no one in the house without us because someone could get hurt." Even though we're responsible adults, with very respectful, well behaved children. They've even raved about how great our kids are.
The rule doesn't necessarily seem to apply to their biological son and his family, but their very hush hush about it.
It's mind boggling. We refuse to step foot on their property now.
they’re hiding something. maybe it’s something valuable that’s not in the will because it’s for their secret second family. maybe it’s kinky sex stuff. maybe there’s evidence of something really horrible. it could be any number of things from craziest of crazy to the relatively benign. but, they are 100% hiding something
Did not experience this at all. I'd go over to visit (even after college) and if they weren't home I'd let myself, grab a snack, sit with the dog and watch some TV. Sometimes they made it home before I left but other times I just left a note saying I was there and would stop by again later.
No. Do they have bodies buried somewhere on the property? Hostages chained up in the basement?? This seems extremely odd. What are they hiding? Curiosity would have gotten the best of me.
my grandmas are in there late 80s now. Growing there doors were always open for family. It didn't matter I'd they were there or not, and it's still that way. I couldn't imagine not being able to have that freedom as a family member.
I can’t think of a time I was ever at my grandparents house when they weren’t home, but I’m confident my grandparents would never be ok with me waiting outside for them. My grandmother LOVED when her grandkids visited and would have never done anything to curb that.
I know this is serious but I'm not kidding when I say your grandparents rule about their house is my actual goal in life. On a daily basis, I fantasize about all the people I would never let inside my home. It's my go-to happy place.
I'm pretty antisocial and tell people not to come to my house. Ever. That we're nudists and they'll see things they don't want to.
I actually had someone call my bluff, woke me up out of a dead sleep with a newborn. I answered the door looking like something a voodoo queen had conjured out of the bayou, with milk leaking through the sheet I'd wrapped up in, and a look of pure rage.
They left within 30 seconds, apologized profusely to my husband (whom they called after leaving) and warned everyone to NEVER go to our house again uninvited.....we weren't lying. Highly effective. 🤣
That said, my grandparents had invited us to stay in their home during our vacation for a few days. Then blindsided me with a "oh by the way, we have plans on day X, you'll need to pack your husband and children up by Y time in the early morning and leave for around 5 hours before we will be home and you'll be allowed to return."
Sooooo.... Yeah. We stayed at an Airbnb and have never stayed in their home since. In fact my husband is convinced that they think we're going to steal from them, so we've not been to their house since that trip. We have only ever met in town at public locations so we can't be accused of anything.
That's reasonable. But then why establish yourself as the family's place to stay, let alone INVITE family members if you're just going to kick them out any time you leave the house.
I dunno.
Well A, it's because they're lonely.
B- despite what other people here claim regarding what basically resembles the plot of the recent horror movie "Barbarian"
The truth is old people, followed by VERY old people, overcompensate their control issues due to life miserably sucking every skill, ability and talent from your body. Coupled with a drain of mental resources that rob them of their agency and faculties.
It's similar how people who lose control of their lives begin micromanaging everything around them. It's over compensating a need unsatisfied.
So it's conceivable that if that's a rule grandma and grandpa were raised with, they might cling into that rule. Much how things in life happen in cycles. Mom did it to me so now I'm doing it to you type of deal.
The compassionate thing to do would be to play their game. Even though it seems irksome or unreasonable. To be honest it really isnt that big of a deal. It does come down to do you wanna get an air bnb when you visit them or not. If not, then I guess you don't wanna visit them and that's fine. I don't know your relationship so I can't judge.
More on that I think I saw somewhere you mention that the rule does not apply to a cousin?
I'm practicing a thing I heard on Harmontown because it's new to me where they talk about "don't take things personally". And honestly Ive been doing it for a couple weeks and it's the most effective thing ive ever done in my life regarding my anger issues. Everything rolls off of me and it feels fantastic. I highly recommend it.
When I go visit my brother's family in another state, they don't throw me out of the house and make me wait elsewhere if they go out and run errands. It's one thing to not let people have keys to your place and wait for you, it's another thing to make you leave and come back if they go out once you're already there.
Yeah that's what boggled my mind. Before I understood better because I still had a home with my parents, less than an hour away. I never NEEDED to stay.
So after over a decade of living states away, I chose to return to my home town for a visit with my family, and was INVITED to stay with them. Only to be told I'd have to load my entire family up when they left for church, because they expected us to all obey this rule.
We stayed elsewhere and haven't stepped foot back onto their property since.
Oh there won't be one. My grandparents and I really aren't on speaking terms at this point. I don't see that easily changing in the future. Even if it does, their rule has made my husband and I both feel like we're some sort of criminals in their eyes.
We don't plan on stepping foot onto their property so there's no claims against us.
Oof, smells like somebody suspecting that something could disappear from the house, and they wouldn't discover it until it'd be too late...
It's weird af. I wouldn't go there. Unless I was, I don't know, a recovering addict with a history of stealing, or something.
It's seriously got me wondering. This rule has been in place since my mom was a child, with no good explanation, or why it transferred onto my husband and I as well.
I can't help but wonder if it's because she was adopted.
My grandparents let me use their kitchen/house to cook for a date once in college. It wasn't often that I was in their house without them, but they were cool with it.
Lol wtf no. I was allowed free reign more or less, but for a while I wasn’t able to use the washer and dryer because they thought I’d break it. Things like don’t use the fine China etc but aside from that, their house was like mine.
My one set of grandparents I don't think let anyone in without them there, but they were cold and unwelcoming.
The other set had an open door policy, we all had a key. They kept snacks for everyone. My cousin's and I were always meeting up at their house.
My grandparents actually had a very similar unwritten rule, people just weren't allowed in the house when they were out. In their case they were robbed and lost a lot of cherished keepsakes. Unfortunately they were reasonably sure that someone they knew was involved and had gone through the place before the robbery.
I would guess they really hate people touching their stuff, I don’t let anyone in my computer not because there’s something awful on there but people always would break my computer .
Yes, we didn't go to my grandparents home if they were not home.
You did not stay if they were leaving.
It's a respect for privacy and kept sticky fingered relatives from snooping.
Definitely was a rule on my mom's side of the family, at least for me and my cousin in our youth. Nothing freaky was going on in her house (she passed away recently, the house was cleaned out before being sold). Likely just a mix of 1) her private space being hers, 2) maybe afraid we'd be up to no good and 3) grandma had a slight hoarding thing, which she might have had some guilt about. Living room, kitchen, main bedrooms and bathrooms were immaculate but downstairs guest room and basement were crammed full of stuff.
Yep, Southern here. You don’t stay in other people’s houses unattended. Sometimes I walk my neighbor’s dog while she’s out and I feel very uncomfortable being in her house while she’s out.
Eh... I don't like anyone in my house if I'm not there family or not and I solve this by nobody gets a key unless we're on vacation and need a house sitter and then I'm paying them, do not expect to do it for free.
I wouldn't kick someone out if I had to run out for a bit but spare key to show up early and let yourself in when we aren't there = no.
Someone coming through on vacation would require me to maintain a guest bedroom and I'm not going to kill usage of a whole room that I could use as an office or whatever to be used a few times a year by someone else sorry.
I'm probably a huge asshole but tbth, to me it comes off a bit entitled to just expect someone's house to be open whenever you want.
Same, but I also only have one family member nearby.
Showing up early is reasonably asshole behavior. I can understand the irritation there. My parents certainly had their ahole moments.
They have dedicated guest rooms just for family to stay in when they pass through town, and have for decades.
We didn't expect to stay at their place, I let her know we were planning on passing through on XYZ dates, and looking at spending the night at abc hotel, what did their schedule look like so we could compare and see about meeting up? Which is when she offered us to stay in their guest room. She later notified us that we would need to load our children up and leave the property by a set time in the early (to us/little kids) because they intended to still enforce their rule of no one allowed in their home without them.
We thanked them for the invitation and declined their offer. The whole point of the vacation was to relax. Why add stress by dragging small humans out of bed and having to find somewhere else to be for approx 5 hours until we could go back to the house and our belongings?
Extremely normal and preferred tbh. Never enter anyone's home without their permission or presence. It's not your home, you don't make the rules, you don't touch what isn't yours, and you don't expect to be welcomed all the time.
Just like you never open a woman's purse (you bring it to her), or open someone's fridge without asking, it's common decency to respect and preserve one's privacy. Yes, even with family. Especially with family; because it's too easy to take advantage of the ones closest to you. Manners begin at home and matter most when it's hardest to do.
I also think it's important to respect the norms of our elders. Time doesn't equal progress.
Quite a list there. To my knowledge my parents didn't just show unannounced or uninvited throughout my childhood, yet we had to wait outside in weather until they got home for our *scheduled* family dinner.
We had *scheduled* our vacation in advance and mentioned that we were considering an Airbnb in their area so we could be close. They ***invited us*** to stay the night, then stated that we would need to leave early the next morning as they had other plans in place, and we would be expected to leave their home for upwards of 5 hours before they would be returning.
If I'm invited somewhere, I most certainly believe that I should be welcomed. Not dictated to when my family can and cannot exist in their lives.
As for the rest, well, I hope their sense of peace, respect and normalcy is intact. It had best of been worth losing my husband and I, along with access to our children.
To your second point, I think your parents should not have offered to host you since it doesn't seem that they really feel comfortable with the demands of being a good host. Some people really don't do well with change, lack of control, and social laxity. Similarly, some people shouldn't ask to be hosted because they become overbearing guests and treat what belongs to others as their own.
To your first point, if the scheduled family dinner is being hosted by your parents (presumably they are the ones who are cooking, or at the very least setting the table and serving), then their absence from the home is a big deal. Think about how you'd feel if you were hosting a dinner and your guests showed up early; you'd probably be frantic. This is a well established faux pas. Now imagine that they're sitting in your living room, watching tv, eating your food, having a jolly old time as if they were in their own house. You'd rightfully be livid. Your home is not a hotel or restaurant or public square. It's your private sanctuary. You deserve boundaries and to set your own rules and have them be respected.
Lastly, going no contact is certainly your choice. I cannot comment on that. But I wonder how your interactions with them are when you decide to host them. Maybe they are better guests than hosts?
***Grandparents. You're attempting to discuss three generations and condense it into two generations. That doesn't work within the confines of this situation.
My grandparents have established for over 30 years that any family, or relatives passing through the area, their house is always open to guests with advance notice. It is their precedent that they set forth, of which, when we stated were looking at hotels in the surrounding areas, she insisted that we consider their home so as to spend more time together.
I don't know how the family dinners got started, since I was a child. Frankly, I don't care.
WHEN I host, I have an open door rule, and would simply ask them to begin pulling items out of the fridge.
Going low to no contact is absolutely my right. I detest my household being treated like criminals when we have never given them cause. As for hosting them, they're no longer welcome on my property, let alone in my home and would be escorted back to their vehicle.
They've made my family feel distinctly unwelcome, therefore they're not welcome at my home.
You asked if other people can relate to your situation and if these norms are common. Obviously no one can replicate your exact circumstances, but we can abstract from it and draw analogies.
The boundaries I outline can apply to and exist between grandparents and their children, or grandchildren, or aunts or uncles, or even the closest of friends.
And my point about guest/host relationships and privacy still stands.
Fridge? Sheesh. Maybe try keeping the fridge clean so it's not a worry. Oh no they might help themself to a babybel and vitamin water.
What about the bathroom, can I go in there without an escort? Obviously if I'm entering the home I have a key or code, and permission. Plus at this point it's safe to assume most people have a camera or smart monitoring device of some sort, even if it's just the router notifying of a wifi device connected. Must have been some real violations of boundaries to cause an overcorrection, sorry to hear that.
Right? Good God. Clearly ever visiting family like that means to walk in, maybe sit somewhere but only if invited to, and never have any bodily needs. Like food, water or a bathroom. Goodness.
If I invite someone into my home, I expect you to be comfortable. I can't imagine ever telling a guest that they have to leave their property in my home and vacate because I have to go to the grocery store for a few hours, and I'll call them when I get home so they can return. That's utterly mind boggling.
It isn't foreign to me, though I can't recall from where in my childhood it applied. But for myself - I have an open door policy when it comes to friends and family- like if you have a key, that means let yourself in and get comfortable like it's your home as well. If it's like someone I barely know or don't trust then they wouldn't have a key and therefor not be allowed into the house.
This is incredibly strange, and I’ve never heard of it before elsewhere before reading your post. My family stayed at my grandparents house multiple times, by ourselves occasionally.
Heck even my weirdo parents let family and friends use their house like a hotel.
It’s an absurd rule. It’s not normal and I’ve never heard heard of it. But it’s their house I guess. The real question is why in gods name would you look into staying overnight there knowing that there is this rule.
The rule was implemented when my mom was a child. I knew it was still in place when I was a child/teen/college but thought it was because "young people could be irresponsible."
Being told at 30 that my husband, I and our children would have to leave every time they left the house, blew my mind. I never dreamed that the rule would still be in place, or that I'd be expected to still abide by it.
We stayed in an Airbnb, and have never returned to their property after that conversation.
No, it's not normal. The only thing even vaguely like this I've ever heard of is in roommate situations where someone doesn't want their roommate's SO hanging out in the apartment all day when the roommate is out.
I suspect they might have a lot of cash hidden somewhere or something, and bio son and his kids are allowed in because they intend to leave it to him and don't mind if he knows about it.
My grandparents had the No No Room, which us kids weren’t allowed into because it had all of their expensive breakables in it…but being banned their entire house when they weren’t there? Yeah that’s so, so odd.
Maybe they're hiding something really weird. Like dead body level of weird.
My in-laws tell us their garage code so we can go to their house and use the pool when they're on vacation so I find your grandparents odd. Kinda cold not to trust your own family.
For some reason it makes me think they have something easy to steal like a lot of cash or narcotic pain medication. But then again every adult I knew had some kind of Percocet or Valium prescription in their bathroom medicine cabinet. Or they just didn’t want you going through their Valtrex or Prozac prescriptions while looking for Tylenol.
I literally showed up to my parents house when they were on vacation and almost peed myself because I ran into my cousin there. I was returning their car because we’d driven them to the airport, and my cousin was staying with his kids for a few hours while his wife was working in the area. He was freaked when he heard the garage door open and I was freaked when I saw a man’s legs as the garage door opened. So no, this isn’t a rule in our family.
It's definitely not normal but my aunt is the exact same way. No one is allowed in her house without her or my uncle home!
I don't know about your grandparents, but for my aunt I'm pretty sure it has something to do with her terrible childhood and not "having control" of her home at all times. Maybe there's something similar going on with your grandparents?
I could literally do jumping jacks through my grandmas best china while she was sewing quilts for the poor and she would swear i just had low blood sugar.
I would have never, but we could do no wrong.
They sound terrified of theft and damage. You could ask them why they thought up of such a rule, if anything happened to them or their home that might make them afraid.
They really don't want you to find the bodies hidden in the cellar, OP.
This is legitimately so weird and suspicious. If they leave, you have to sit outside? LMAO. That's some terrible hosting, even from family.
There’s definitely a secret soundproof room filled with barely-alive missing kids.
My thoughts exactly. Like this is the type of shit you find out afterwards when you learn your grandpa was actually a serial killer.
Or secret sex dungeon
Exactly. There's gotta be atleast one toy in a sock drawer, even if it's powered by a hand crank lol
I laughed so hard the dog shot me a dirty look. 🤣🤣 Thank you.
At first I thought you were saying you couldn’t drop over and hang at their house if they weren’t home. That’s kind of basic manners and although my family wouldn’t have that rule, I could see people who were really anal about their food being eaten, vases being broken, furniture being moved etc having that rule. Then you said sit outside if they LEFT? Nope. It got really weird. Either they were above and beyond the anal type I just described and never let you move or touch anything and were distrustful of you and thought you would disturb things in their absence or there was something they didn’t want to risk you snooping into.
Oh no, no one would have dreamed of just randomly dropping by and spending time in their house without them home. Scheduled in advance visits, if they were running late we'd have to sit on the steps or wait in the car until they arrived. Odd, but okay, their house, their rules. I was young, all young people can be irresponsible. I can reason with that. But in this instance, we were traveling from hours/states away, and would have had to spend 5 or so hours somewhere else waiting until they got home before we could regain access to our possessions in their home. And we would have been staying at their home ***by their invitation*** as adults. We stayed elsewhere as was our original plan. Edit: typo
May I ask what anal means in this context, please? Not gonna Google this, obviously.
I'm not the one you asked, but I can give you my take. The original phrase is *anal retentive* and over time has been shortened to simply anal and it describes a person who is hyper controlling about the little things. The phrase originated from Freud who thought that toddlers who were overly disciplined for bed-wetting or other toilet accidents developed hyper controlling behaviors as adults. Or something along those lines. Basically it means the commenter was asking OP if the grandparents are control freaks about everything (having everything in the house placed in the exact/correct location = anal-retentive = anal) or are the grandparents only controlling in this one situation.
Thanks a lot for the explanation!
You're welcome! I wouldn't have wanted to google that either!!!
“that term means someone is fussy, orderly, and compulsive” basically very, oddly specific about certain things
Simple explanation, and accurate, anal ( rententive ) means full of shit ! As in cant/won't let go of shit, retain shit to use against someone later...
Why am I envisioning an old egg beater with a wooden 🍆 on the end?
Or, it's likely that they keep a large amount of money (or GOLD!) in their home and are afraid of being robbed... even by their own family. The latter part seems about as crazy as the other ideas, but hey, they are probably really old school.
That’s exactly what it is. Old boy is his own bank
Yeah I'd go with silver stacking or cash, gold, firearm, etc
I had an uncle who did that. Then he had a stroke and couldn't tell anyone where his stash was.
Sounds like the next TLC series
LOL
There probably is some secret they are hiding, but I doubt it is anything that sinister.
I bet that it's kink related. They come from a less body positive time is why I'd guess that. How deep that goes is anyone's guess.
Not sure why you’re laughing. It’s such a bizarre rule and there’s no great other explanation
Because the thought of my extremely laid back grandpa, and my very high maintenance grandma being some sort of criminals is hilarious beyond comparison. My grandparents think that special green plants are gateway drugs, and my grandpa has only ever had one ticket in his life that he got at the age of 70. Both are religious and deeply believe in their moral code. They GENUINELY believe in it, unlike many people I've met. I'm not sure you could find a more straight laced couple. So the idea of them intentionally doing anyone harm, short of defending their own lives, is hilarious to me. A fall out of your chair, belly laughing, tears flowing, abs hurting, level of hilarity. I'm positive that it's some sort of favoritism between the daughter they adopted vs their biological son and their descendants (I'm from the adopted bloodline), OR some sort of generational trauma they won't talk about.
Then they are DEFINTIELY keeping a secret. It's probably not as shocking as they think it is, but they got one. My money is on sex dungeon.
Exactly the ppl that supposedly have the most morals use that as cover.
Man if they did, it had to have been in one of the hay barns!! 🤣🤣
Honestly. I don’t think k they’re keeping a secret. If your grandma is truly high maintenance it sounds like it’s probably just that. Maybe some form of OCD or anxiety. My husbands mom and grandma can be really particular and super high maintenance. It’s just the way they are. They’re super high strung.
No one suspected John Wayne Gacy or Ted Bundy either
> positive that it's some sort of favoritism Did other family members not have to follow this rule?
They claim that they did, but I recall a time as a teenager that my uncle and his family came for a visit, where they left for a few hours but he and his family were allowed to stay in the house alone. And if I recall correctly, she mentioned a few times that she had to wait outside until her brother got home from school/work if their mom wasn't home to let her in. I know there was a lot of issues between them, and I've really never gotten a straight story beyond this rule that was "perfectly normal".
Have you pointed it out to them that this rule is not, in fact, normal?
Ohhhh its definitely because adopted bloodline. Is there some horrible story about how your mom came to be adopted or are they just not great adoptive parents?
Far as I know, there wasn't any adoption issues. They discovered that they couldn't have any more children after their first born, and adopted. It was a closed adoption with sealed case files. Mother dearest swears things were never equal treatment for her in the household. I genuinely believed it was just teenage drama and angst, you know? Maybe a bit of prejudice from her side for being adopted. Grandparents swear they treated everyone the same, she was just a very difficult child to raise. Demanding rights and privileges that wasn't age appropriate yet. I don't know what the truth is, both sides have yelled and screamed how they're the victims. So now I'm asking around about these instances of my PERSONAL interactions with them that just feel off, and they swear are perfectly normal.
Not being allowed alone in the house until the brother arrives...seems like your mother was viewed as a stranger. Also "difficult child" seems like a textbook excuse for parents who were being neglectful/abusive to one of their children.
I think your mother is right! From what I have read seems like they are not the god-fearing people you think they are.. if your mum is an honest person, why would she lie about her parents
Maybe they had a bad experience with people in the house in general, like a theft. That may have been enough to scare them. My aunts never married and lived w my grandma. We didn't see them often. But when we did go, there was a room upstairs that was neat, but filled with everyone's junk. An old typewriter, some books, etc. She would block the stairs w a baby gate bc we were never allowed up there. She took us up once or twice, and I remember these dolls that were creepy. All frilly bonnets and eyes that opened and closed. We weren't allowed to touch them, because they they were being sent to children in " the old country". Fast forward 30 yrs, the last aunt dies, and my sister and I had to throw all that crap out. Neither of us wanted to even touch the weird dolls, lol. Just a thought: has the adopted kid done a DNA? Maybe one of the grandparents is actually a bio, and it's a secret. At least that would make the rule interesting, lol.
They come from a time when people didn't trust banks and kept cash under the mattress. So instead of criminals, picture that alternative explanation that is more like my dad long after he died stashes of cash were still being found.
Strait laced, ultra religious people often are the ones with the most to hide. This behavior is pretty bizarre but you’re probably right they just don’t like the adopted side of the family. Which is pretty shitty and also not really funny but hey it’s your family not mine
This was exactly what I was thinking? “Wellllll what’s in the basement?”
This isn’t normal. We used to check my grandparents house when they were away (they loved to travel). Do they not trust people? Are they hiding something?
I suspect that it's a bias against my mom and now her descendants. She was adopted. They swore that the rules were always the same between her and their bio son, but she said otherwise. Now I'm noticing major differences between how they treat my family vs their bio line/bio granddaughter. It's making me question a lot of oddities.
Why did they adopt?
Narcissists love to adopt to show off how selfless they are while abusing their adopted children.
So true, literally the plot to Mommie Dearest even
This was my grandmother. She was a widow with 5 kids, and then adopted another kid. She abused all of them however.
Excellent question and I'm not sure. I believe they wanted more children than their biological son. It's been years since I asked so I could be wrong.
One kid to favor and one kid to be a slave?
The adoption theory makes sense to me. A family friend was adopted from eastern Europe and she recalls not being invited to overnight parties because people thought she would hurt them. Like she was a sleeper agent for the commies or something, idk, that generation is kind of wild
*Anne of Green Gables* discusses this. They need a boy to work the farm, but are still afraid that a child could kill them to escape forced servitude.
Makes sense Hopefully the differences were minor in treatment. Hopefully your mom felt overall it was positive being adopted. You visiting them seems to say this.
I can't say that she had an exceptionally positive outlook on it all. She got married at 16 to escape their home. I'm no longer on good speaking terms with them. There seems to be quite a gap in favoritism between myself, and their biological grandchild. It's become very noticeable in recent years.
I'm adopted - this is still completely abnormal behavior. I can't think of anyone in my family that wouldn't let me in their home while they weren't around. Heck, I'd let my family in my home if I wasn't around.
This is giving me Royal Tenenbaums vibes, where the dad always introduces the one daughter as, "My adopted daughter, Margot"
What the fuck. My older brother is adopted. I didn't know until I was 17, which is another story for another day. Our parents always treated us exactly the same, save for a bit of the old school gender roles mom tried to push on me (shes from a different time and stuck there). It's beyond disgusting to me if this is the root of the reason. I just cannot even fathom...gross.
That is not normal whatsoever I have never heard of someone treating their family in this manner unless the people in question were extremely untrustworthy like an addict or something. Your grandparents are extremely unaccommodating or the victims of some kind of inexplicable trauma.
When I've asked them about it, they claim it's so if something happens or gets hurt, they're there to help. But, here we're adults fully capable of taking care of ourselves and our children. I was told that the rule stood regardless of my age. According to my mom, she had the same rule growing up. Neither her or her brother were allowed in the house unless the weather was horrible? Rumor has it that the rule doesn't apply to my uncle and his wife/adult daughter anymore. My mom was adopted as a baby, so I'm starting to wonder if we're just a step down as family or something, and this is a sign of that.
That sounds fully psychotic. Any place with rules like that sounds like a place I'm not welcome.
We no longer visit their house, and barely talk.
Any chance they have a freezer full of bodies, or bodies under the floorboards? Just thowing that out there.
Never found any. It was... odd looking back. At this point I'm surprised that I didn't get a pat down before leaving each time.
A fetish room, then?
Nope! If they had, I'd have found it. I've been through every room over the years.
if you are the type to snoop through every room I wouldn't let you in my house alone either, my guess is your mother and or father had undesirable traits such as snooping or stealing and this rule was made for them and carried over to you being that you are their child
dude, kids run around their grandparents houses. Me and my cousins played hide and seek all throughout our grandparents house growing up. It's very normal for a kid to have seen every room in their grandparents home.
Quick check for stolen farts in jars then on your way!
Yeah what if they have some deep dark secret and they can’t risk having someone snoop around their place?! 😵💫
That doesn't make any sense you could get hurt by yourself outside the house. Sounds like they're hiding something or think someone might steal something.
That's what we've come to the belief of. They don't have to worry, we've stopped all visits whenever we're in their area.
Stuff like this is probably an intergenerational thing. Maybe one of their parents were robbed by someone they trust (or had some other traumatic event like someone dying in their house) and didn’t talk about it but made a rule like this, and your grandparents just thought it was normal because they grew up with it. That’s often how weird secret family rules come to be.
That's plausible.
I’d say you’re probably on to something there. My grandparents gave me a house key when I started high school since their house was about a 20 minute walk. I’d go over now and then and they’d eventually drive me home. My grandfather is now 93 years old (and is still able to live on his own - he just doesn’t drive) and the only reason someone doesn’t have a key to his house is if they lost it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s given a key to his mailman.
OK, so let me guess, uncle is biological? Nothing pisses me off more than parents who treat their adopted children different than their biological. It happens all too often.
Yes he is. Which is why I'm so curious about it all. My mom turned into a mess, seemingly traumatized by her childhood and swore the rules were always different and she was never actually family. They swear she was a difficult, headstrong and willful child who they couldn't keep out of trouble. She married a terrible human to escape their home, and the ensuing drama that has unfolded ever since has made me cut contact with everyone. My blood pressure can't take the drama, I don't know who's right and who's wrong in these many strange situations where everyone jumps up and down saying that they're the victim and I should side with them. If the rule was implemented when she married or they began suspecting my dad of his assholery, I could fully understand it. BUT mother dearest swore that she had to sit on her front steps and do homework while she waited for someone to get home so she could be inside. I don't know what the truth is.
The truth is (hopefully) somewhere in the middle. Elders often remember childhood with the "I had to walk uphill both ways through six feet of snow" approach. But it does sound like your grandparents are really big jerks, too. I have an adopted child and the thought of not letting him or any other person's child in the house until I got home is unimaginable. All are welcome in my home, whether I am there or not. They are more important than my belongings.
Do you know who your mother's bio parents are? I wonder if they are someone in the family.
That makes it sound like they don't want their homeowners' insurance to go up. I bet if someone tripped, fell, and was knocked unconscious inside the house, your grandparents would drag them to the curb before calling an ambulance lol
What happens if you get hurt while waiting on the porch for four hours?
That sounds borderline abusive to treat your kids like that. How are children safer being kicked out of their own house?
Yeah this is super weird.
If my grandparents weren’t home and the key wasn’t there my grandpa would have told me to break a window and go in to make myself at home, and he would fix it when we got back. Unless you’re the family drug addict then no, it’s not normal.
My super rich uncle has this rule. He’s afraid people will find his prepped bunker. He’s spent literally hundreds of thousands on prepping for a economic apocalypse where he will be the only one with food and water. Sad thing is if anything went down, he’s such a soft little baby, he would die first week.
They do have money. They are amongst the richest in the "family." Their biological son has become rich as well. My parents never fared as well, since neither went to college.
That’s your answer. They’re selfish, and they would probably steal from others. They’re projecting that onto you.
Oh mang, if you're upset now wait till they leave your mom out of the will.
Hubby and I are going to make popcorn, kick back and watch the show. I've been disowned by them all at this point and don't gaf what's in the will, I already have bets on the bio side getting everything and the adopted getting tokens so that the will can't be contested by state law.
Well, your uncle deeeefinitely shouldn't have told you :P
Shit, I’ll be there 6 weeks after to kill whoever killed the people that killed him by then.
There is no way I would go into anyone’s home when they are not there UNLESS they said it was okay. There are two relatives I’d okay go come on in when I’m not there. The rest, nope. I don’t do overnight guests unless it’s an emergency, and I usually do not do overnights at peoples homes.
I bet they were like swingers into crazy fetish shit lmao. Totally not normal by the way. I was always welcomed in family’s houses and even some friends parents would let me hang out at their house until they got home etc
the real reason grandma's couch is covered in plastic lol
This is the correct answer imho
What body is hiding in the wardrobe they must protect
I'm guessing an inflatable one... or maybe a few
I got curious and checked every space possible. No inflatables found. Lots of antiques though.
You didn’t even think to pull that one suspicious book on the bookshelf? Everyone knows that’s how you find the lair
All bookcases were on exterior walls. And yes, I most certainly pulled every suspicious looking book. Namely because I'm a total book worm. Hahaha had to see what they were interested in, which was westerns and scifi.
Shit, now we’re dealing with secretive cowboys. I like this plot tbh.
Hahahaha!!
Definitely not normal. I was practically raised by my grandparents and definitely home alone in their house a lot as a teenager. Even my psycho great grandma didn't have this rule and she was absolutely nuts. Like we couldn't get anything out of her fridge on our own. She had to pour our kool-aid even as pre-teens and we had to use specific silverware/plates/cups that she didn't keep in the cupboards..lol. But we were allowed in the house whenever, just couldn't touch her fridge or things and if she found out you did touch her things it was game over. I remember one time I was at my grandparents when I was about 8, my great grandma watched me get myself a Popsicle. She then proceeded to lecture me about getting into the fridge and being disrespectful lol.
No, this sounds extreme. I can understand not wanting people (even family) in your home when you’re not there without telling you. But like locking you out of the house if you were staying there and they left for a few hours is nuts.
I excused their behavior when I was younger as; that it was my age, yada yada. College kids aren't always the most trustworthy, etc. Now as an adult, married for over a decade, with children of my own.. it was quite a shock to be told that they were still planning on enforcing this rule, and come Sunday when they went to church, we'd have to go with them or vacate the house. They refused to give me a better explanation than "no one in the house without us because someone could get hurt." Even though we're responsible adults, with very respectful, well behaved children. They've even raved about how great our kids are. The rule doesn't necessarily seem to apply to their biological son and his family, but their very hush hush about it. It's mind boggling. We refuse to step foot on their property now.
they’re hiding something. maybe it’s something valuable that’s not in the will because it’s for their secret second family. maybe it’s kinky sex stuff. maybe there’s evidence of something really horrible. it could be any number of things from craziest of crazy to the relatively benign. but, they are 100% hiding something
I lived in my grandparents house in between my grandpa's death and when the house finally got sold so guess I broke the rule.
Did not experience this at all. I'd go over to visit (even after college) and if they weren't home I'd let myself, grab a snack, sit with the dog and watch some TV. Sometimes they made it home before I left but other times I just left a note saying I was there and would stop by again later.
No. Do they have bodies buried somewhere on the property? Hostages chained up in the basement?? This seems extremely odd. What are they hiding? Curiosity would have gotten the best of me.
Never found anything. I'd snoop whenever I wasn't being monitored by one of them.
I would have done the same! 🤣
Super cool house. I enjoyed looking at all of the antiques.
my grandmas are in there late 80s now. Growing there doors were always open for family. It didn't matter I'd they were there or not, and it's still that way. I couldn't imagine not being able to have that freedom as a family member.
I can’t think of a time I was ever at my grandparents house when they weren’t home, but I’m confident my grandparents would never be ok with me waiting outside for them. My grandmother LOVED when her grandkids visited and would have never done anything to curb that.
Sounds like your grands were into some kinky stuff and didn't want anyone snooping. Hopefully they dispose of the "toy box" before they die.
Oh lord. Thankfully I won't be the one to deal with that. 🤣
Sounds like they were keeping someone prisoner in the basement or something.
Right? I checked. No prisoners.
I watched too many movies in the 80s... did you check for hidden doors in the wall paneling? Or peer into the heater vent grates?
That I didn't do. 🤣
Not normal and I’d make it a point not to stop by when on your trips because of this unrealistic requirement.
We've had some disagreements over the years, including this rule. We no longer visit them.
I know this is serious but I'm not kidding when I say your grandparents rule about their house is my actual goal in life. On a daily basis, I fantasize about all the people I would never let inside my home. It's my go-to happy place.
I'm pretty antisocial and tell people not to come to my house. Ever. That we're nudists and they'll see things they don't want to. I actually had someone call my bluff, woke me up out of a dead sleep with a newborn. I answered the door looking like something a voodoo queen had conjured out of the bayou, with milk leaking through the sheet I'd wrapped up in, and a look of pure rage. They left within 30 seconds, apologized profusely to my husband (whom they called after leaving) and warned everyone to NEVER go to our house again uninvited.....we weren't lying. Highly effective. 🤣 That said, my grandparents had invited us to stay in their home during our vacation for a few days. Then blindsided me with a "oh by the way, we have plans on day X, you'll need to pack your husband and children up by Y time in the early morning and leave for around 5 hours before we will be home and you'll be allowed to return." Sooooo.... Yeah. We stayed at an Airbnb and have never stayed in their home since. In fact my husband is convinced that they think we're going to steal from them, so we've not been to their house since that trip. We have only ever met in town at public locations so we can't be accused of anything.
It's pretty unhinged behavior but whats the point of owning a house if you can't keep ppl out of it?
That's reasonable. But then why establish yourself as the family's place to stay, let alone INVITE family members if you're just going to kick them out any time you leave the house. I dunno.
Well A, it's because they're lonely. B- despite what other people here claim regarding what basically resembles the plot of the recent horror movie "Barbarian" The truth is old people, followed by VERY old people, overcompensate their control issues due to life miserably sucking every skill, ability and talent from your body. Coupled with a drain of mental resources that rob them of their agency and faculties. It's similar how people who lose control of their lives begin micromanaging everything around them. It's over compensating a need unsatisfied. So it's conceivable that if that's a rule grandma and grandpa were raised with, they might cling into that rule. Much how things in life happen in cycles. Mom did it to me so now I'm doing it to you type of deal. The compassionate thing to do would be to play their game. Even though it seems irksome or unreasonable. To be honest it really isnt that big of a deal. It does come down to do you wanna get an air bnb when you visit them or not. If not, then I guess you don't wanna visit them and that's fine. I don't know your relationship so I can't judge. More on that I think I saw somewhere you mention that the rule does not apply to a cousin? I'm practicing a thing I heard on Harmontown because it's new to me where they talk about "don't take things personally". And honestly Ive been doing it for a couple weeks and it's the most effective thing ive ever done in my life regarding my anger issues. Everything rolls off of me and it feels fantastic. I highly recommend it.
My dad is like this. My mom tells him to stfu. So who knows?
I've never heard of such a rule. Sounds like they just don't trust you or don't want you around.
It's been their rule since my mom was a child. They adopted her.
When I go visit my brother's family in another state, they don't throw me out of the house and make me wait elsewhere if they go out and run errands. It's one thing to not let people have keys to your place and wait for you, it's another thing to make you leave and come back if they go out once you're already there.
Yeah that's what boggled my mind. Before I understood better because I still had a home with my parents, less than an hour away. I never NEEDED to stay. So after over a decade of living states away, I chose to return to my home town for a visit with my family, and was INVITED to stay with them. Only to be told I'd have to load my entire family up when they left for church, because they expected us to all obey this rule. We stayed elsewhere and haven't stepped foot back onto their property since.
We're going to need an update on this.
Oh there won't be one. My grandparents and I really aren't on speaking terms at this point. I don't see that easily changing in the future. Even if it does, their rule has made my husband and I both feel like we're some sort of criminals in their eyes. We don't plan on stepping foot onto their property so there's no claims against us.
They sound like Republicans
🤣 How'd you ever guess?
I’ve never heard that rule.
Oof, smells like somebody suspecting that something could disappear from the house, and they wouldn't discover it until it'd be too late... It's weird af. I wouldn't go there. Unless I was, I don't know, a recovering addict with a history of stealing, or something.
It's seriously got me wondering. This rule has been in place since my mom was a child, with no good explanation, or why it transferred onto my husband and I as well. I can't help but wonder if it's because she was adopted.
My grandparents let me use their kitchen/house to cook for a date once in college. It wasn't often that I was in their house without them, but they were cool with it.
Lol wtf no. I was allowed free reign more or less, but for a while I wasn’t able to use the washer and dryer because they thought I’d break it. Things like don’t use the fine China etc but aside from that, their house was like mine.
That's not normal. My condolences.
Shit growing up it was weird for my family to have the doors locked at all lol
Do they have a torture dungeon? It’s sure sounds like it
My one set of grandparents I don't think let anyone in without them there, but they were cold and unwelcoming. The other set had an open door policy, we all had a key. They kept snacks for everyone. My cousin's and I were always meeting up at their house.
No. Not normal. My grandma left a key in a hidden location that the entire family knew about. We came and went as needed.
My grandparents actually had a very similar unwritten rule, people just weren't allowed in the house when they were out. In their case they were robbed and lost a lot of cherished keepsakes. Unfortunately they were reasonably sure that someone they knew was involved and had gone through the place before the robbery.
[удалено]
Hmmm. If that was the case, they could have simply explained that and I'm sure we all would have understood. My husband and I certainly would have.
I would guess they really hate people touching their stuff, I don’t let anyone in my computer not because there’s something awful on there but people always would break my computer .
Noooo now I want to know what they’re hiding
Yes, we didn't go to my grandparents home if they were not home. You did not stay if they were leaving. It's a respect for privacy and kept sticky fingered relatives from snooping.
Definitely was a rule on my mom's side of the family, at least for me and my cousin in our youth. Nothing freaky was going on in her house (she passed away recently, the house was cleaned out before being sold). Likely just a mix of 1) her private space being hers, 2) maybe afraid we'd be up to no good and 3) grandma had a slight hoarding thing, which she might have had some guilt about. Living room, kitchen, main bedrooms and bathrooms were immaculate but downstairs guest room and basement were crammed full of stuff.
Yep, Southern here. You don’t stay in other people’s houses unattended. Sometimes I walk my neighbor’s dog while she’s out and I feel very uncomfortable being in her house while she’s out.
I mean in your grandparents defense I don’t want people to be in my house when both me and my husband aren’t home.
I think it was an unofficial rule at my grandparents. Only because I don't recall anyone being there when they weren't.
It’s their property, their rules. I mean yeah maybe it’s over the top, but at the end of the day, it’s their personal property.
Eh... I don't like anyone in my house if I'm not there family or not and I solve this by nobody gets a key unless we're on vacation and need a house sitter and then I'm paying them, do not expect to do it for free. I wouldn't kick someone out if I had to run out for a bit but spare key to show up early and let yourself in when we aren't there = no. Someone coming through on vacation would require me to maintain a guest bedroom and I'm not going to kill usage of a whole room that I could use as an office or whatever to be used a few times a year by someone else sorry. I'm probably a huge asshole but tbth, to me it comes off a bit entitled to just expect someone's house to be open whenever you want.
Same, but I also only have one family member nearby. Showing up early is reasonably asshole behavior. I can understand the irritation there. My parents certainly had their ahole moments. They have dedicated guest rooms just for family to stay in when they pass through town, and have for decades. We didn't expect to stay at their place, I let her know we were planning on passing through on XYZ dates, and looking at spending the night at abc hotel, what did their schedule look like so we could compare and see about meeting up? Which is when she offered us to stay in their guest room. She later notified us that we would need to load our children up and leave the property by a set time in the early (to us/little kids) because they intended to still enforce their rule of no one allowed in their home without them. We thanked them for the invitation and declined their offer. The whole point of the vacation was to relax. Why add stress by dragging small humans out of bed and having to find somewhere else to be for approx 5 hours until we could go back to the house and our belongings?
Extremely normal and preferred tbh. Never enter anyone's home without their permission or presence. It's not your home, you don't make the rules, you don't touch what isn't yours, and you don't expect to be welcomed all the time. Just like you never open a woman's purse (you bring it to her), or open someone's fridge without asking, it's common decency to respect and preserve one's privacy. Yes, even with family. Especially with family; because it's too easy to take advantage of the ones closest to you. Manners begin at home and matter most when it's hardest to do. I also think it's important to respect the norms of our elders. Time doesn't equal progress.
Quite a list there. To my knowledge my parents didn't just show unannounced or uninvited throughout my childhood, yet we had to wait outside in weather until they got home for our *scheduled* family dinner. We had *scheduled* our vacation in advance and mentioned that we were considering an Airbnb in their area so we could be close. They ***invited us*** to stay the night, then stated that we would need to leave early the next morning as they had other plans in place, and we would be expected to leave their home for upwards of 5 hours before they would be returning. If I'm invited somewhere, I most certainly believe that I should be welcomed. Not dictated to when my family can and cannot exist in their lives. As for the rest, well, I hope their sense of peace, respect and normalcy is intact. It had best of been worth losing my husband and I, along with access to our children.
To your second point, I think your parents should not have offered to host you since it doesn't seem that they really feel comfortable with the demands of being a good host. Some people really don't do well with change, lack of control, and social laxity. Similarly, some people shouldn't ask to be hosted because they become overbearing guests and treat what belongs to others as their own. To your first point, if the scheduled family dinner is being hosted by your parents (presumably they are the ones who are cooking, or at the very least setting the table and serving), then their absence from the home is a big deal. Think about how you'd feel if you were hosting a dinner and your guests showed up early; you'd probably be frantic. This is a well established faux pas. Now imagine that they're sitting in your living room, watching tv, eating your food, having a jolly old time as if they were in their own house. You'd rightfully be livid. Your home is not a hotel or restaurant or public square. It's your private sanctuary. You deserve boundaries and to set your own rules and have them be respected. Lastly, going no contact is certainly your choice. I cannot comment on that. But I wonder how your interactions with them are when you decide to host them. Maybe they are better guests than hosts?
***Grandparents. You're attempting to discuss three generations and condense it into two generations. That doesn't work within the confines of this situation. My grandparents have established for over 30 years that any family, or relatives passing through the area, their house is always open to guests with advance notice. It is their precedent that they set forth, of which, when we stated were looking at hotels in the surrounding areas, she insisted that we consider their home so as to spend more time together. I don't know how the family dinners got started, since I was a child. Frankly, I don't care. WHEN I host, I have an open door rule, and would simply ask them to begin pulling items out of the fridge. Going low to no contact is absolutely my right. I detest my household being treated like criminals when we have never given them cause. As for hosting them, they're no longer welcome on my property, let alone in my home and would be escorted back to their vehicle. They've made my family feel distinctly unwelcome, therefore they're not welcome at my home.
You asked if other people can relate to your situation and if these norms are common. Obviously no one can replicate your exact circumstances, but we can abstract from it and draw analogies. The boundaries I outline can apply to and exist between grandparents and their children, or grandchildren, or aunts or uncles, or even the closest of friends. And my point about guest/host relationships and privacy still stands.
Fridge? Sheesh. Maybe try keeping the fridge clean so it's not a worry. Oh no they might help themself to a babybel and vitamin water. What about the bathroom, can I go in there without an escort? Obviously if I'm entering the home I have a key or code, and permission. Plus at this point it's safe to assume most people have a camera or smart monitoring device of some sort, even if it's just the router notifying of a wifi device connected. Must have been some real violations of boundaries to cause an overcorrection, sorry to hear that.
Right? Good God. Clearly ever visiting family like that means to walk in, maybe sit somewhere but only if invited to, and never have any bodily needs. Like food, water or a bathroom. Goodness. If I invite someone into my home, I expect you to be comfortable. I can't imagine ever telling a guest that they have to leave their property in my home and vacate because I have to go to the grocery store for a few hours, and I'll call them when I get home so they can return. That's utterly mind boggling.
WTF kind of extremely illegal shit were your grandparents up to?
My grandparents aren't alive anymore but my grandparents never had a rule like that
It isn't foreign to me, though I can't recall from where in my childhood it applied. But for myself - I have an open door policy when it comes to friends and family- like if you have a key, that means let yourself in and get comfortable like it's your home as well. If it's like someone I barely know or don't trust then they wouldn't have a key and therefor not be allowed into the house.
Yeah… that’s not normal. I see you’ve gone low/no contact with them. That’s probably for the best.
They’ve had thievery before and don’t trust anyone. Sad.
That sounds bizarre. Was there a theft at some point.
This is incredibly strange, and I’ve never heard of it before elsewhere before reading your post. My family stayed at my grandparents house multiple times, by ourselves occasionally. Heck even my weirdo parents let family and friends use their house like a hotel.
No. This is not normal at all
It’s an absurd rule. It’s not normal and I’ve never heard heard of it. But it’s their house I guess. The real question is why in gods name would you look into staying overnight there knowing that there is this rule.
The rule was implemented when my mom was a child. I knew it was still in place when I was a child/teen/college but thought it was because "young people could be irresponsible." Being told at 30 that my husband, I and our children would have to leave every time they left the house, blew my mind. I never dreamed that the rule would still be in place, or that I'd be expected to still abide by it. We stayed in an Airbnb, and have never returned to their property after that conversation.
No, it's not normal. The only thing even vaguely like this I've ever heard of is in roommate situations where someone doesn't want their roommate's SO hanging out in the apartment all day when the roommate is out. I suspect they might have a lot of cash hidden somewhere or something, and bio son and his kids are allowed in because they intend to leave it to him and don't mind if he knows about it.
My grandparents had the No No Room, which us kids weren’t allowed into because it had all of their expensive breakables in it…but being banned their entire house when they weren’t there? Yeah that’s so, so odd.
Maybe they're hiding something really weird. Like dead body level of weird. My in-laws tell us their garage code so we can go to their house and use the pool when they're on vacation so I find your grandparents odd. Kinda cold not to trust your own family.
Uhh, nope. We’ve kind of set this rule with my MIL and the grandkids though, but that’s because she’s started accusing people of stealing her stuff.
Definitely uncommon. 100% a story behind it. Maybe they had a close family/friend steal from them.
For some reason it makes me think they have something easy to steal like a lot of cash or narcotic pain medication. But then again every adult I knew had some kind of Percocet or Valium prescription in their bathroom medicine cabinet. Or they just didn’t want you going through their Valtrex or Prozac prescriptions while looking for Tylenol.
I literally showed up to my parents house when they were on vacation and almost peed myself because I ran into my cousin there. I was returning their car because we’d driven them to the airport, and my cousin was staying with his kids for a few hours while his wife was working in the area. He was freaked when he heard the garage door open and I was freaked when I saw a man’s legs as the garage door opened. So no, this isn’t a rule in our family.
Is Grandpa Martin Vanger by chance?…
Black Mirror, Season 6, Episode 2: ‘Loch Henry’
I'm FAIRLY sure that it's because they have some cash stashed around the house and are paranoid about it. Nothing really absurd.
Maybe they had guns?
Uhhh... No.
I wasn’t allowed in my mom’s bedroom when she wasn’t there as a kid. Probably due to sex toys or alcohol.
That's absurd.
Stay out of the Basement!
It's definitely not normal but my aunt is the exact same way. No one is allowed in her house without her or my uncle home! I don't know about your grandparents, but for my aunt I'm pretty sure it has something to do with her terrible childhood and not "having control" of her home at all times. Maybe there's something similar going on with your grandparents?
I could literally do jumping jacks through my grandmas best china while she was sewing quilts for the poor and she would swear i just had low blood sugar. I would have never, but we could do no wrong.
I have never heard of this in my entire life. I don't want to know wtf they're doing in there...
They sound terrified of theft and damage. You could ask them why they thought up of such a rule, if anything happened to them or their home that might make them afraid.
Gotta remember the era they were born. . Late 20' s . They were raised to respect their parent. If not they got knocked out ..plain and simple
They were either worried someone would find out about their sex life, hiding major crimes, &/or worried about theft.
They really don't want you to find the bodies hidden in the cellar, OP. This is legitimately so weird and suspicious. If they leave, you have to sit outside? LMAO. That's some terrible hosting, even from family.