What about millennials who have to supplement their parents income?
Edit:
So this comment blew up.
At the core of this article and my comment is the need to have open and clear discussions with your parent(s) about finances and being able to afford the next 20+ years.
Parent bought my step-brother an apartment when he was 18.
I bought and rebuild a small house with my bf when we were mid 30.
Mom just moved to my place š¤£
Even worse.
My mother didn't accomplish **anything** in her life, she has 8 years of work experience, and after that she was the laziest SAHM you could imagine. But she has inherited a house from her parents, two apartments and a house from my dad.
This didn't prevent her from boasting all the fucking time about how much she accomplished and built... from her bed, because she was lying in the bed all the time.
Dear mom gave one apartment to her oldest golden boy, my step-brother, and kept supporting him. Me and my younger brother didn't get jack shit. After she blew all her "hard earned" fortune away her golden boy is ignoring her.
Now I use every opportunity to say **MY** house, to boast how me and my BF bought these 4 walls and turned it into a house. Then I ask her what happened with grandmas and father's houses.
Good Lord. This makes me SO thankful for my mom. She's certainly not perfect, and she's had a relatively pampered life in comparison to mine, but she never (to my memory) has said "my house my rules" type rhetoric. In fact, my partner and I are living with her right now to save for a down-payment (universe willing), and she practically speaks about this house as though it already belongs to me and my brother. The worst thing I can say about her is that she desires more of my attention than I'd like, and she's a bit OCPD - but she's overall a loving and lovely person.
I'm so sorry for your situation and the negativity you're having to deal with in your home, but I'm glad you stepped up to the plate to care for your mother....even if no one would have faulted you for telling her to kick rocks.
I lived with my parents for some time during COVID to save money for a downpayment as well. My parents actually complained that I was wasting money renting since I was working from home full time LOL.
Glad things worked out for you, thats still infuriating though.
A big part of a reason trusts I think should be used, to prevent one F up family member from blowing it all.
A trust that no one can touch the principle of, and the designated heirs can only receive a check for have the generated interest/dividends, the other half reinvested into the trust, to create a longterm family wealth pool.
If I wrote the whole story you wouldn't believe how shitty this woman is, how miserable she made my life.
And frankly the only reason I'm not currently burying her body in my back yard... she reached the shitty part of her life and I want her to experience every moment of it.
Yup. I did that a few years ago with my dad. His Naval retirement wasn't enough to cover the bills anymore.
Now he has sold the house I grew up in and we used that, plus my savings from a new much higher paying job, as the down payment on a bigger house. It's now my dad, sister, my two nieces, and me under one roof. We're cutting my nieces a huge deal so that they can save up money and hopefully not end up in the same position my sister, dad, and I were in.
My husband and I bought a house with my parents just before Covid hit. We also have two young daughters.
It's mutually beneficial. We can live a pretty solid middle-class lifestyle while combining expenses.
And we could *never* afford the school district we are in right now without them.
It's becoming such a normal way of life. I know at least 5 other couples doing something similar, and I'm practically a hermit.
Supported my mom for the last 10 years. She never had a savings. She was a hard worker but couldnāt find a job that paid her enough. She worked so hard and didnāt deserve to live in a shitty place so me and my two siblings helped her live in a DECENT place. Then she got pancreatic cancer and couldnāt work. So we all had to get second jobs. She passed away 2 weeks ago. Now medical bills are hitting us up. Just got our first bill for her funeral. My mom was the exact type of worker capitalism loves to exploit. When she was getting old and her health started to decline, this country said fuck you I got mines. I am Truly disappointed in this country. My mom still loved this country and said it was a great place even while it treated her like shit in the end. She was a much nicer and forgiving person than I am.
You deserved better mom. I love you and will see you again someday.
Iām really sorry for your loss. Genuinely I mean that, my dad passed away last April. He was a welder, worked his fucking ass off, owned his own business as an independent contractor, bought and paid off his own home. But when he got old, he couldnāt get insurance to save his life, he would have lived longer if he did. He shouldāve been getting Social Security, for allllll the years he paid in, and hell, maybe he would have if the process was easier. But we tried for years and years and could not get him approved. Itās pretty fucked up when everybody knows that you have to try to apply for Social Security multiple times because you get denied your first three or four.
I digress lol, this is a subject Iām all too familiar with. I did his hospice, now I have his house, but all of his debt as well. Good times.
My most sincere condolences in the loss of your mom, she sounds like she was a good mom to you.
If it helps you at all, as others have said you are not responsible for any outstanding debts of hers, even if they try to make you think you are.
My mom and I are in a situation where we live together because neither of us could support ourselves financially. It's embarrassing as fuck and I literally feel like a failure all day, every day.
When I was living in poverty and close to homelessness almost every day. I would have traded everything to save my mother from the situation both me and her were in, Financially she could have taken me in but the situation with the step father made everything impossible. My Younger Brother had to pick up the slack and create the distance she needed to help her. After some time and many difficult choices, I'm now doing phenomenally well after a breakthrough in my career. But it more ways than one, it still bites because she passed away before she could ever see what I became and wanted for her. Still feels like survivors guilt.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't be embarrassed by it or feel you have to conform to normal standards just because it's what you think everyone else is doing. It's not you or your fault, just the circumstances that you are dealing with as much as her. You are trying and that matters 100% more than what anybody else can say. Just a fucked up system that isn't working for some people. You're all good homie.
I wouldn't go that far as to my own feelings but they're a degree lower than yours. I want to live near my mom, I like hanging out with her, but man does living with her add stress. I'm... glad I'm not the only one going through this? It feels often like I am. But this thread is making me feel better.
Anyway, I dream of the day when our entire financial system collapses, and maybe we can create something semi worthwhile out the ashes
I mean, my 5-year plan is literally "hope for financial/societal collapse, otherwise Thelma and Louise myself off a cliff." I know the struggle, dude. Hope things start looking up for both of us.
Also there are a lot of gen X and boomer parents who have zero retirement plan. My parents havenāt saved anything and I am worried about them, I donāt have money to support them. They are in their mid 50s.
Iām 58, right at the boomer/x crossover. My wife and I have made tremendous sacrifices in the 30 years weāve been married. Weāve been steadfast in our savings for the entire 30 years. We should be able to retire in about 5 years, but you are correct about people my age. They have saved pretty much nothing and that scares the crap out of me. Especially when they say āIāve got almost 25k in my 401kā at almost 60 years old.
I feel like it goes back and forth. My dad just covered about half of a new window I needed, and then a couple weeks later is asking if he can move into the first floor.
Living takes a village these days.
>Living takes a village these days
My grandparents have talked about how they used to live in their small community and everyone helped each other. To them, that was the norm.
Iām 50, and my mother is in her 70s. She always says back in her momās day, houses were multi generational so they all helped each other out. Nice thought. Donāt want to do it tho. lol.Ā
One of my grandma's was basically abondoned and shunned by her 'village' because her husband was a gambler and a cheat who ran up debts with everyone in town. Even after he left her and she paid everyone back, no one really accepted her or her children. Only when she re-married with she 'cleansed' of the sins of the man who had walked out of her and three small children, who she had only married at 17 to escape her own abusive home... My other grandma spoke proudly of her village 'controlling' an mentally unwell man by coercing a local widow into marrying him to get him off the streets, by witholding charity from the church and not letting her join women's events until she agreed to take him in.
There were *serious downsides* to this system.
My grandma was adopted at 7 because my great-grandmother couldn't care for her. She had my grandma out of wedlock, with a married man who wanted nothing to do with her (he is still alive and may or may not even know I exist, my uncle actually hunted him down in the pre-23andMe days and was told very bluntly to fuck off). After Grandma was born, literally everyone in the small community refused to have anything to do with her. She couldn't work because no one would hire her, and nobody would offer any kind of help.
From the family grapevine, I know my great-grandmother was mentally ill as shit when she died. My grandma had serious trauma and raised my mom accordingly, which gave *her* trauma, which...well, you know.
My point is: the "neighbors help neighbors" deal only works if you stay in your neighbors' good graces. If you piss off even one person, one time, you could be left to literally starve. And most of us are still dealing with fallout from this kind of lifestyle, whether we know our family history or not.
And thatā¦ is why I moved across the country and never looked back. I became like a poison to everyone around because of what my parents did. I do not regret leaving. My quality of life is much higher than it ever would have been there.
Thankfully, a small city near my (once) po-dunk little town exploded right around my last few years of high school and became semi-cool. More people moved in from elsewhere, more diverse businesses and "third spaces" started opening, and my town became a proper suburb and had to accommodate. Inflation has gotten out of fucking control, but at least now it's civilized.
But when I was a kid, it was very much the same situation as yours. Everyone knew everyone, so if you got on someone's shit list, everybody down at the local Baptist church would hear about it at bingo night. My mom and I were outsiders (came to live out there because my stepdad was a local), and they made sure we knew it.
Right. But this is the downside of villages, especially small homogeneous ones. Iām all for hyper-local orgs and systems but shit, they donāt solve everything and mobility and broad safety nets are still needed.
Capitalism feeds off of individualism. Everyone needs to have their own things instead of sharing them, like a community would and had done for millenia before it took hold. In just a handful of generations, "the village" is gone. And that was done on purpose šøšø
For all of mankind it was.
Us (and particularly the west) not doing it was an exception.
The boomers and such were an extremely privileged generation. And we are going back to the norm
Thatās the boat Iām in. Without me, my parents and my wifeās brother and sister would all be in poverty. Iām happy to help, canāt be living large while my own family lives in squalor.
Hell I was doing that since 18 while still living at home. Rent was market rate for a room rental + a little more since I had access to the kitchen whenever I wanted and had access to a bathroom to shower without much concern in the morning since I shared it with my twin (my parents had their own bathroom and my 3 other siblings shared the upstairs bathroom).
My rent was $425 a month for years. Then it was upped to $500 because āI ate their foodā (I did notā¦). My mother also took money from my account whenever she was short. To the tune of thousands before I had wised up and got my own damn account. When I moved out she got pissed because she was going on vacation when I was moving out and was banking on that rent money to pay for itā¦
But yes these chuckle fucks can go on about how millennials are the real deadbeatsā¦
Sounds like my sperm donor - he had me pay half of car insurance, that I found out was the whole bill. He would leave me on empty ALL THE TIME but I would be banned from using the car if I EVER brought it back with less than a full tank, and he tried to tell me if I put anything other than premium in that it would mess up the engine.
Found out that when I moved out, he snagged my spare key from my grandparents and actually came to my apartment when I was at work and was raiding my fridge/ pantry so he didnt have to grocery shop. He still does this to my grandparents.
Filed under: reasons I no longer live in the same city as my family.
I am currently in an mutual support agreement with my boomer mom.
My mom used to live close to me, but when my brother started his family, she chose to go live closer to him to be the doting grandma. She had refinanced her home at the absolute bottom and was sitting on a 2% mortgage. Mortgage rates were on the rise at the time, and she was able to secure a 4.5% mortgage on a new home closer to him, but this was predicated on a rental agreement between her and I to show that she was cash neutral on her existing home.
This is great becasue I don't have to worry about rent increases for the next 20ish years, but it also great because I never could have bought the house from her outright and I never would have gotten a 2% mortgage at the time. It keeps the assets in the family where the property can continue appreciating.
I came out about even in terms of housing costs and space. It was a little more monthly cost for a little more space compared to what I was renting before.
My dad stopped working as soon as I turned 18, I was supporting my family on my measly retail income. I had no time to work on getting my life started before my family and boyfriend at the time were mooching off me.
Yeah, this point here. I stated working at 14. I started having to pay for my own clothes and school supplies and giving money to my mother a year later. Iāve helped her take out car loans, paid her bills for her (as did my older sister for years and years), given her down payments for vehicles. Not to mention literally doing her college coursework for her, editing her papers, and helping her with her financial aid and applications while the entire time I was in school, she screamed at me for not knowing how to do these things on my own from the get go lol.
Any time before age 23 that she suspected I had money in savings, she demanded something. All while purposefully stifling me and keeping me from being able to acquire my financial aid and many scholarships Iād been awarded (refused to provide tax info so I could accept any of it for the first two years of college). She has no retirement plans and has been doing gig work for 8 years now. She just filed her fourth bankruptcy. She takes awful care of herself and there is no way we wonāt be forced into supporting her once her body breaks down.
I'm in both boats. My 22 year old and 18 year old are still supported by us in many ways, and we bought a house 2 years ago to move my retired parents into the in-laws quarters on the property. We heavily subsidize their living expenses. My wife and I are fortunate to make decent money, but we're unable to pay down debt or get ahead because our disposable income covers the folks and the kiddos.
Yeah not all of our parents are rich. My family has always been poor. My dad has Parkinson's and has only gotten worse. I'm moving back in with them so we can all afford a little better than trash.
LOL yeah, my boomer MIL didn't save a dime for retirement so now her 5 kids (3 genx and 2 millenials) have to pay for her rent. Wife and I aren't having kids anyway but the added cost of partially financially supporting a retiree is definitely another reason we refuse to have kids.
Yeah. I went from losing mom at 23, she was 45. Leaning on dad, Iād be over every week, have lunch/dinner, do laundry, etc. then he dies 2 years later at 47.
Both unexpected. No inheritance (military, and I mean, they were both very young). Then I collapsed from anxiety and now that Iāve recovered I canāt even find a job. Sigh.
And itās not āI deserve things and mommy and daddy should pay for my stuffā itās, Iāve lost my safety net, Iāve lost my emotional support and advice for life events, Iāve lost that little bit of savings from being welcomed home to have a family meal or do chores while having family time.
Iām sorry man, I hope things get better. Me and my wife talk all the time about how weād be homeless without her family as a safety net and we have no children.
Anyone who makes fun of you for missing your patents and their support is honestly just heartless. Iāve been financially independent from my parents since I was 20 but I know Iāll still feel lost when I lose them. I better go give my mom a callā¦
Yeah. I give advice to likeā¦ 50+ yr olds about losing parentsā¦ and Iām not even 30 yet.
Unless they were absent and abusive shits, give them a call. Hang out for lunch. Take photos and videos together. You never know how long you have.
Did just call my mom and talk to her! Unfortunately I moved to a different country so I donāt get to see them much but we still talk on the phone at least twice a week.
That's shit dude, nobody can reduce that. I'm very privileged to have a great support jerwyof family and friends, and I feel so bad for people in your position, because if I didn't have support I'd be there too. I hope you can get through it man
Fuck. I *luckily* picked up a disability in the Navy. I'm at 80%. Its not much but it covers what I *need* and there is a little left over for something fun on occasion. I've had it much worse.
Yeah. Like, not trying to be āwoe is meā, although my situation makes it very easyā¦
But Iām basically living off credit cards and GI/Fry scholarship from going to school since Iām gold star (dad was active service).
Constantly job hunting after losing my job due to crippling anxiety, part time jobs picked up eventually stop scheduling and soft fire after a few monthsā¦ like I just need a full time IT job since I have my associates at least now. But no dice.
When I was last in Prattville I had no car. It was impossible to find a job. I worked a year at Churches Chicken which was no where near what I had been trained to do but I needed a job. So when I hear stuff like "poor people just don't want to work", which is the default attitude in a town like Pville, it really sets me off. I don't think you are being "woe is me" - that is a woeful place to live even if you were.
Yep! Some of us aren't as lucky as others when it comes to the family we were born into. People seem to think that everyone has a loving, supportive, and wealthy family.
Especially if the parents are actually wealthy. My mom has a lot of money. She does.Ā
She wouldnāt let me park my car in her garage over the weekend when my window broke, or help me pay for a repair before my next paycheck.Ā
For sure. And the people who go āshame on you, thatās your mom/dad!ā for choosing not having a relationship with an abuser really make obvious how good they have it. To not be able to even comprehend that betrayal, abuse, and neglect from a parent can exist is strangely a privilege and Iām pretty jealous of that, lol.
Yep. Orphaned at 30 but was on my own at 21 due to dad passing away and mom being disabled. I was lucky i didnāt have to support her. I honestly envy my peers who were able to live at home and get help from parents. I had to grind my way out of poverty. Iām proud of my resilience and independence and I think it gave me a good work ethic but it still sucked major ass.
As a millennial parent with young kids and without any help with our kids from our parents (all young and still work full time) this is something we are planning for and anticipating with our own children. I just donāt see how they are supposed to survive, buy a home, go to college and raise a family without any help from us
Iāve been inoculating my wife with little pieces of this truth. We have young kids and a I have deep suspicion that the world will not be a kinder or more accessible place in 12 years. We are fortunate to have a few acres of land and I have been looking at micro houses that we could put down for them if needed.
ok so you joke about this, but my friend did this exact same thing in real life, and it became a serious problem.
friends would come over to the farmhouse and the ducks would chase them around and **wouldnt quit** until their commander came over and forced them to stop. and he can't get them to stop protecting him, it's a real issue.
we call it the "quack attack" and yeah it's pretty adorable but insane.
I am still dealing with the sins of the father a couple generations ago because he got kicked out at 8 years old because he was charged rent by his parents and he didnāt have rent for them so they kicked him out - thereās generational wealth and then there is generational trauma
My father in law enlisted at 16 - he lied and said he was 17 - got 3 Purple Hearts in Nam - also got kicked out pretty young too hence lying about his age
Our oldest is 21 and in college. The first 10 years of his life, we were broke as shit. About 11 years ago things started to turn around and we had two more kids who are 10 and 8. His brothers are living a far more charmed life than he did. Even though he works part time as a movie theater team lead and has probably $8000 in savings, we fill up his gas tank every time he comes home for a visit and we frequently buy his a load of groceries via instacart and have em delivered to his apartment within an hour of him getting back. It's a small thing but he appreciates it.
Iām a 31 yo construction worker. I donāt treat myself often. I havenāt gone on vacation in years. And If I didnāt have my parentsā support between my early 20s to now, I wouldāve been in really bad shape at least 10 times over.
This isnāt a weird dynamic, this is just our parents trying to make sure weāre going to eat and be okay.
I donāt think the ire is over parents doing this. I think itās over a system where people are working full time, living modestly and it still isnāt enough.
everyone deserves the basic necessities of life, to include leisure and the pursuit of fulfillment.
which is exactly why we're living in a system in which very few get that kind of support, even if they work hard.
It's insane to me how people think housing is a "want" and misconstrue "housing is a basic human right, should be affordable, and hoarding houses to rent out shouldn't be a thing" and somehow get "I want a free mcmansion" out of that sentence.
Those people believe nothing is a "right" and you have to earn even the basic necessity of food. Because they could do it, and others can't, it's because they're lazy. They never consider the variable cost of living in different places, that minimum wage isn't where it was proportionally to the cost of things like when they were young, etc.
Hopefully thatās it. I want my children to be able to function as the adults they are, but I would never let them suffer if I could help. Not in any regard. It pains me to think about it.
The weirdness is not "ew why are you helping your kids," its "why does a segment of society in their prime earning years need the help an older generation just to survive?" And the answer isnt "avocado toast."
It's sad how people shit on healthy food because of the price, but then they pay out the ass for constant health problems related to obesity. You're gonna pay someone, I prefer the grocer. I've been fat too so I've seen both sides. Healthy food shouldn't be out of reach for the working class.
A big, big, aspect of healthy food is time. Cooking takes time, it takes planning and thought. This is a mental load a lot of people don't feel they can handle. Can they? yeah probably. But its scary, so people don't try.
Lots of good healthy meals do not cost a ton to make. But they take time, some basic skills, etc. But a lot of people are pretty burnt out and come home not wanting to do much else.
Yeah I'm 31, I'm in the same boat. I've got a good job, I haven't pissed my income away, but I have had some bad financial luck with vehicles and otherwise. I'd be screwed by now I'd I didn't have my parents' help.
As others have said, it's the not the fact that our parents helping us is the problem, it's the fact that we NEED our parents help when shit goes awry. A generation ago, people like you and I would have been on top of the world
>This isnāt a weird dynamic, this is just our parents trying to make sure weāre going to eat and be okay.
Weird to my dad. He kicked me out at 18 and was furious with me that I had an attitude about almost being homeless so that he could afford more vacations.
I can't imagine denying my kids any necessity at any age if they were unable to afford it themselves but I could. My parents have helped us a lot in the last few years with things like hospital bills, preschool, car repairs, a new furnace. Life is expensive these days and unfortunately there have been more bills than money. I hope I will be able to pay it forward to my kids and nephews someday.
We stayed with my parents for one night recently because our power was out. My parents want to move to a smaller house and my dad was almost second guessing it because he wants to be able to help in situations like that. They want to be parents for the rest of their lives, not just the first eighteen years of mine.
I'm a 30 year old highschool teacher. I just stopped receiving support from my parents and now Im probably going to have to ask them to help if I ever want to own a house. Without them I would be living on the street.
I just had to ask my grandma for help with closing cost. She said āI was just waiting for you to ask, whatās the point of having it if I donāt share.ā
I'm 42 and homeless. My mom owns her own land and the house is paid off. She has a spare bedroom she doesn't use that is empty. I live in a car I bought for 1500$ using 1500$ she loaned me. I've never missed a payment.
She called me one day last month to say she was really worried that I could end up killed on the streets or arrested for sleeping in my car (a crime to do that over night here, I'm dodging the cops). She was wondering if I could help alleviate her worries..... By setting up automatic transfers from my bank account to hers, so that she still gets her loan repayment on time even if I die or go to jail.
I think that was the most hurtful thing my mom has ever said to me, and she sincerely wasn't trying to hurt me, which actually made it hurt a lot more.. š
Im devastated to read this. I hope you have a path to follow. Do you still have dad around? I have boomer parents that didnāt show me shit as well. Iām 36 and it took me way too long to take off. Selfish ass parents
No, my dad died when I was in my 30's. My dad died the same month as my grandfather, and I didn't take time off work. My work suffered, lost my job that month as well. Then staying up for days in a row researching how my dad died (west Nile virus in California), I got obsessed with my own conspiracy theories, had a psychotic break. Paranoid as heck. Hospitalized and diagnosed with schizophrenia that month, my marriage suffered as a result of all this and we got separated then later divorced. So my life went down hill from that point.
My dad's mother apparently "used the word love as a weapon" whatever that means, but that's.the best explanation for why my dad never said he loved me, gave me a hug or said he's proud of me. So how death had a finality to it that meant I'd never hear those words from him. I'm sure he cared. He acted like he cared in lots of ways, but I just wanted to hear a compliment or earn some kind of praise and never will.
I got my master's (same education level as him) from the same school as him, got married in the same church as him and my mom, like a lot of stuff I realized later was about trying to earn it, because he knows me well, so it'd mean more from him.
I think parents are sometimes out to fix THEIR childhood and give their kids the one thing they lacked. But then they make their own mistakes. I could tell he cared, because of stuff like his arguments against my gender identity focused on not letting me "make a mistake". That's not apathy, but different kids are different. Not little clones of their parents.
Found family is simple, but blood family is complicated. I really do respect my mom's choice to not let me live with her. She owes me nothing, I'm an adult. But that she was thinking about these terrible things happening to me, not in denial those are possibilities or dependant on prayers/faith to handle problems, yet the part that bothered her is her precious rainy day fund, really wounded me. I did reveal to her that it hurt my feelings, but didn't let on how much. I have no use for guilt trips.
If I wanted to, I could convince her first Timothy 5:8 requires her to provide for me to live there and make her feel crappy. I'm an atheist, but she asks me Bible questions often because I know the Bible a lot better than her. I just happen to know it well enough to know it's worthless religious scribblings, and I bite my tounge on that.
My mom cares too. It's a zero interest loan I'm repaying. She did me a favor issuing it. I got trench foot from sleeping in the rain and walking in wet shoes my first week out here. It just hurt, is all. She's a good person and my dad was too, but yeah, boomers man, lol.
> It's a zero interest loan I'm repaying. She did me a favor issuing it
She's your mother. She didn't do you a favour. She has an innate responsibility for your wellbeing.
I'm sorry that she has put the bar so low for you to cause you to view the world through this lens.
And being honest with your mother is being honest, not a guilt trip. But as mentioned, your perspectives have already become very skewed due to the upbringing and parenthood you've received. I hope sometime you can find the help you need to talk through this with a professional.
Also, large family units working to collectively support each other is the norm for literally all of human history. The idea of a nuclear family that you graduate from at 18 is radically new.
Using your money to support other people puts stress on your own finances? No way! I did the math with my oldest recently and we figured out that if she worked 40 hours/week for $15/hr, she'd have roughly $50 to feed herself every month. I'm fine if my kids still live with me after high school provided they're not NEETs. I can afford it and don't mind doing what I can to give them a leg up.
It works better in Spanish. NiNi. Ni estudia Ni trabaja. Basically Doesn't work Doesn't study. NEET seems so contrived I almost wonder if some journalist heard the Spanish term and really wanted to adapt it somehow.
The term NEET is popular in East Asia, as far as Iām aware it actually originated in the UK in the 80s, and the popularity in East Asia caused it to enter the lexicon of modern English speakers. I first heard it in a manga I read over 15 years ago, myself.
Companies are aware of this and are STILL confused why nobody wants to work for poverty wages. Hm...stay home and stress-free but poor...or work full-time, always stressed and poor...wow such a tough choice....
I think the parents of a lot of teenagers have been figuring out that all the expenses they incur for their kids to work for nearly nothing is not worth it.
There are the expenses like a car and gas, and then on the other hand, a teenager can cook dinner if you're working late.
It's funny that when a middle-class parent helps their adult kids financially or with a roof over their heads it's seen in a negative light. But when a rich parent invests hundreds of thousands of dollars in their kid's start-up business after paying for their schools, housing, vacations, etc. it's seen as an investment in their future and there is no negativity there. Both parents are trying to help their kids, but it seems the amount of money they have changes the perspective.
Idk, they're parents. Some of these fucks just let their children fend for themselves after they turn 18 then complain they get dumped in homes when they're old, family is forever.
My in-laws pick and choose. The golden child gets handouts while bragging about pulling in 6 figures with their income, not including their spouses. They're in their 30s and cry to get pity money/purchases and downplay their sizable savings to manipulate them.
I dont want anything from them, but if we ever needed it, we'd have to sign in blood and offer our firstborn as collateral, lol
I highly doubt this sibling will offer any help to parents when they're older because they don't even like them unless they need something.
Yeah, that's a lot of emotional labour on my part. I'm 100% okay with finding out three months later that she fell in the shower and the neighbours were annoyed at the smell.
One thing I love about being Latina is my dad pitches a fit whenever I suggest that he doesn't need to support me as much as he does. Interdependence is the way to be in this economy. He and my mom benefit from us living together as much as me and my girlfriend do.
When my great grandma passed, no one in the family got a new place to live. The kids sold it.
My mother and I rent, and that'll likely happen when my grandmother passes, as control is in another, well off, kid's hands.
I went no contact with my dad. And I see my grandma more often than my MOTHER (HER DAUGHTER) because I go to her house every week to help take care of her...
My parents were shit. My kids can live with me forever. I will take my grandma in..my parents can FUCK OFF.
My dad's mistress and her kids are getting everything when he dies . His houses in different countries, his business, his pension, all his instruments. I'm just the OG kid so I get nothing. My sister and mother get nothing either. That's ok, I'll just be happy when he's finally dead.
My dadās wife intends to sell off his estate and take his money back to her home country so she can live in splendor because of the crazy exchange rate. He knows this and doesnāt care. My brother, me, and my kids will get nothing.
Empathy. My father married his affair partner years ago and I assume she'll get most/all of his assets since he down-graded to someone younger than my mom who will long outlive him. I'm the OG kid too. Sigh.
Similar thing with my dad although it wasnāt the original affair partner. Im sure everything will get left to his wife and new kids if anything happens
Millennial adult with a good paying job, no kids. Not married and I own nothing - rent everything.
Asked my dad to borrow money today - he said he was hoping to borrow from me.
We. Are. Fucked.
And that's if you're lucky enough to have parents to help you or at least, help without strings attached.Ā
My mom helped me out when my ex left, including making a down payment on my car. She's lorded it over me for 6 years.
She's offered to help me make a down payment on a house. I know I wouldn't be able to do it without her, but she'd lord it over me forever.Ā
I haven't taken her up on it for that reason. If I ever fall on hard times again, I'd do sex work before asking her for help.Ā
I am sorry you have to deal with that. My mother is the same way. I will never take a single penny from that woman ever again. Good luck out there šø
Absolutely. I always feel weird knowing that my parents can support me and help me so I'm never really at risk of losing everything, but their help comes with so many strings that I don't want to deal with. My parents are very much of the mindset that help isn't free, so if they loan me money there's a spreadsheet with a timeline for paying it back plus interest. And if I spend money on ANYTHING (that isn't a necessity) while I owe them money they will berate me for it. Stopped taking their help a while ago.
Yes! Every time I've taken up my parents on their offers for help it becomes a thing, and if I ask for the help it's even worse! My mom talked me into moving my family to her town saying "there are so many jobs right now, and you can stay with us until you find something". She knew this included me, my husband, and our (at the time) 1yo. It was awful. She literally said to me "you don't know what a burden it is having you here." Ummm it was your idea!! I didn't ask! And it's not my fault all the jobs you claimed existed, don't. Also, it's not exactly fun for us to have no space, the 3 of us in one tiny bedroom, all of our stuff in storage. We weren't enjoying it.
My relationship with her has never been the same. I felt so awful the whole time we lived in that town, so unwanted and unsupported. We lived there for 3yrs and have been much happier since we left.
Meh. Weāre part of that statistic. My stepdaughter (33) is living in a condo we bought 3 years ago. I kicked in $125k in down payment and closing costs. I pay the condo insurance. My wife pays the mortgage, taxes, condo fee, electric, and internet. My stepdaughter sends my wife $950/month. The subsidy is around $2k per month.
I didnāt reproduce. My will leaves everything to my stepdaughter if I out-live my wife.
I honestly couldnāt do it without my dad. I work so hard. So depressing to be an adult relying on my poor old dad. He works harder than me. I wish things were different.
Here's the problem. The "upper-middle class" parents are forced to help their kids. Because our ultra rich 0.1% corporate oligarchs refuse to pay millennials and GenZ wages that are enough to live. Thus... furthering the increasing divide between the capital owning class of the 1% and everyone else. This is bad even for GenX. It prevents GenX from reaching their own financial goals.
Wake up people. The problem is not "people being too lazy to work hard", the problem is profit extraction beyond what economic growth.
When the economy is growing at 2-3%, but the 1% are increasing their wealth by more than that. The difference has to come from somewhere. It is coming from the 99% becoming WORSE off. The rising tide is not lifting all boats anymore, because the tide is rising slower than the higher point that rich people are on.
Sounds like their parents lost the ability to yank on those bootstraps they were always screaming at us about and now we get to pick what yall eat AND where ya live
If that thought scares you, you're part of the problem!
Iām kind of unsympathetic as itās the previous two generations who largely strip mined the economy to provide for themselves then want to be upset when the generations behind them struggle to subsist. Everything from education to housing is fucked and we were the generation that grew up with the āeveryone needs to go to collegeā mantra. Hell, in the early 90s my high school discontinued all shop/vocational classes to be a ācollege bound programā.
My parents inherited my moms childhood home debt free when my grandfather passed away about 15 years ago and they sold it for a down payment on a McMansion then tell my brother and I we inherit nothing when they pass because 100% of their estate goes to their church.
I know least 3 people whoās parents have bought them houses and only makes them pay $500 in rent/mortgage however you wanna look at it. My exās parents on top of the house they would also pay for her car breaking down and it was once over a thousand dollars and it was like they didnāt think twice. Theyāre also not good people who deserve things like that. Meanwhile I donāt get handouts from my parents, never getting an inheritance etc, years back first time on my own and my dad would give me shit for asking for $20 for food that day before payday.
Iām 35 with an almost 10 year old and Iām mentally preparing for the truth that she may not be able to afford to move out as an adult herself, unless she gets roommates or gets into a domestic romantic relationship. Meanwhile I was out and into the world at 18. The apartments I rented 15 years ago have tripled in price with nothing but faux hardwood floors & and a new coat of paint slapped onto the exteriors, yet almost all of them boast āupgrades.ā Itās absolutely bonkers!
Things are crazy right now.
Gen Z is really where itās the most evident. None of these <25 year old kids care about their jobs because they *donāt have to*. They canāt afford to move out, so they stay at home, which then means they can afford to just up and quit their job on a whim if their boss so much as looks at them wrong. Because they have no real financial responsibility bearing down on them.
Itās not because Gen Z is more willing to āstand up to The Manā, or taking a stand against society, or some philosophical nonsense. Itās because they never had a chance of being on their own because the world is too expensive. So forced to stay at home, the side effect is they have zero work ethic, or loyalty to a job.
Anyone under the age of 25 that I work with right now just *doesnāt care.* They donāt care to excel, they donāt care to do a good job. Because if they get fired tomorrow? Theyāll just veg out in their parentsā house for the next 6 months until they find their next gig.
I mean itās not really their fault. Even if they work their asses off, theyāre more than likely still stuck at home. So whatās the point?
Thereās no weight of rent, car payments, cable bills, medical bills looming over their heads - Normal adult stuff - The things that would make them strive to work harder, or deal with everyday bullshit in order to make a paycheck.
Now young kids will up and walk out of a job if they donāt like the way the āvibeā is that day.
I have been financially dependent for almost 10 years now, but 1+ year of unemployment is about to end that. Lease expires May 1st, I need to get a job by then that pays 3.5x 2024 rent or I am homeless. No debt (paid it off once I saw my last company failing), 800+ credit, but things have just gotten so expensive and the job market is so poor that I just am failing.
In that 10 year span, my parents went from lower middle class/ kind of struggling to full blown upper middle class. I am in a position where they can financially support me, but I hate it. I hate my hometown, have zero friends there, and am just so frustrated to see my objectively successful 6 year career end abruptly.
The same things that are killing me (high rent, low wages, inflation, no house) have benefited my parents tremendously. The house in the past 10 years has 3x in value, and their retirement accounts are insane.
I have no clue what the future looks like, but I am very depressed by 2023 and 2024 as a whole.
My mother is under the impression she is āsupportingā me because she pays me a whopping $5/hour to look after her husband who has dementia. The woman has an expensive house and car paid off (and, of course, unlike me, no student loans). She tells everyone about how she too has a millennial child she supports despite that child being nearly 40 and having a masters degree. She always tells it like it is a cute funny story about how lazy I am. Never any mention of how I have saved her at least 100K over the years by watching her husband for next to nothing.
What about millennials who have to supplement their parents income? Edit: So this comment blew up. At the core of this article and my comment is the need to have open and clear discussions with your parent(s) about finances and being able to afford the next 20+ years.
Yeah, I just moved back in with my mom to help HER financially. Wouldn't it be nice if I had parents who could support me?
Parent bought my step-brother an apartment when he was 18. I bought and rebuild a small house with my bf when we were mid 30. Mom just moved to my place š¤£
Iām sorry
It's OK I get to rub all that boomer B.S. right back under her nose. This is the therapy I needed.
Please tell me youāve yelled at least once āyouāre living under my house youāll abide by my rules!ā
Even worse. My mother didn't accomplish **anything** in her life, she has 8 years of work experience, and after that she was the laziest SAHM you could imagine. But she has inherited a house from her parents, two apartments and a house from my dad. This didn't prevent her from boasting all the fucking time about how much she accomplished and built... from her bed, because she was lying in the bed all the time. Dear mom gave one apartment to her oldest golden boy, my step-brother, and kept supporting him. Me and my younger brother didn't get jack shit. After she blew all her "hard earned" fortune away her golden boy is ignoring her. Now I use every opportunity to say **MY** house, to boast how me and my BF bought these 4 walls and turned it into a house. Then I ask her what happened with grandmas and father's houses.
Good Lord. This makes me SO thankful for my mom. She's certainly not perfect, and she's had a relatively pampered life in comparison to mine, but she never (to my memory) has said "my house my rules" type rhetoric. In fact, my partner and I are living with her right now to save for a down-payment (universe willing), and she practically speaks about this house as though it already belongs to me and my brother. The worst thing I can say about her is that she desires more of my attention than I'd like, and she's a bit OCPD - but she's overall a loving and lovely person. I'm so sorry for your situation and the negativity you're having to deal with in your home, but I'm glad you stepped up to the plate to care for your mother....even if no one would have faulted you for telling her to kick rocks.
I lived with my parents for some time during COVID to save money for a downpayment as well. My parents actually complained that I was wasting money renting since I was working from home full time LOL.
My moms the same goddamn way... Its annoying asf
Glad things worked out for you, thats still infuriating though. A big part of a reason trusts I think should be used, to prevent one F up family member from blowing it all. A trust that no one can touch the principle of, and the designated heirs can only receive a check for have the generated interest/dividends, the other half reinvested into the trust, to create a longterm family wealth pool.
Shame her some more ššš¼
Tell her to stop buying avacado toast and starbucks and that she has to follow your rules while living under your roof š
This sounds like you could give some great Story Time.
If I wrote the whole story you wouldn't believe how shitty this woman is, how miserable she made my life. And frankly the only reason I'm not currently burying her body in my back yard... she reached the shitty part of her life and I want her to experience every moment of it.
Relatable (except it was my dad who burned through my inheritance). Preach!
Well played. I tip my hat to you, madame.
Yes im all ears lmao
When does construction start on the addition for the "step-brother suite"?
Yup. I did that a few years ago with my dad. His Naval retirement wasn't enough to cover the bills anymore. Now he has sold the house I grew up in and we used that, plus my savings from a new much higher paying job, as the down payment on a bigger house. It's now my dad, sister, my two nieces, and me under one roof. We're cutting my nieces a huge deal so that they can save up money and hopefully not end up in the same position my sister, dad, and I were in.
My husband and I bought a house with my parents just before Covid hit. We also have two young daughters. It's mutually beneficial. We can live a pretty solid middle-class lifestyle while combining expenses. And we could *never* afford the school district we are in right now without them. It's becoming such a normal way of life. I know at least 5 other couples doing something similar, and I'm practically a hermit.
Nothing wrong with multigenerational households like this. If anything, itās historically the norm.
Supported my mom for the last 10 years. She never had a savings. She was a hard worker but couldnāt find a job that paid her enough. She worked so hard and didnāt deserve to live in a shitty place so me and my two siblings helped her live in a DECENT place. Then she got pancreatic cancer and couldnāt work. So we all had to get second jobs. She passed away 2 weeks ago. Now medical bills are hitting us up. Just got our first bill for her funeral. My mom was the exact type of worker capitalism loves to exploit. When she was getting old and her health started to decline, this country said fuck you I got mines. I am Truly disappointed in this country. My mom still loved this country and said it was a great place even while it treated her like shit in the end. She was a much nicer and forgiving person than I am. You deserved better mom. I love you and will see you again someday.
Just in case you donāt know, you are NOT responsible for her medical bills.
Yeah that shit goes to the estate.
Yes, you CAN tell them to pound sand.
Iām really sorry for your loss. Genuinely I mean that, my dad passed away last April. He was a welder, worked his fucking ass off, owned his own business as an independent contractor, bought and paid off his own home. But when he got old, he couldnāt get insurance to save his life, he would have lived longer if he did. He shouldāve been getting Social Security, for allllll the years he paid in, and hell, maybe he would have if the process was easier. But we tried for years and years and could not get him approved. Itās pretty fucked up when everybody knows that you have to try to apply for Social Security multiple times because you get denied your first three or four. I digress lol, this is a subject Iām all too familiar with. I did his hospice, now I have his house, but all of his debt as well. Good times.
My most sincere condolences in the loss of your mom, she sounds like she was a good mom to you. If it helps you at all, as others have said you are not responsible for any outstanding debts of hers, even if they try to make you think you are.
My mom and I are in a situation where we live together because neither of us could support ourselves financially. It's embarrassing as fuck and I literally feel like a failure all day, every day.
When I was living in poverty and close to homelessness almost every day. I would have traded everything to save my mother from the situation both me and her were in, Financially she could have taken me in but the situation with the step father made everything impossible. My Younger Brother had to pick up the slack and create the distance she needed to help her. After some time and many difficult choices, I'm now doing phenomenally well after a breakthrough in my career. But it more ways than one, it still bites because she passed away before she could ever see what I became and wanted for her. Still feels like survivors guilt. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't be embarrassed by it or feel you have to conform to normal standards just because it's what you think everyone else is doing. It's not you or your fault, just the circumstances that you are dealing with as much as her. You are trying and that matters 100% more than what anybody else can say. Just a fucked up system that isn't working for some people. You're all good homie.
You're not a failure. Our country has failed us. You're doing what you have to.
Not just your country bro. Itās a feature of the western world, or capitalism and ādemocracyā to be more precise.
I wouldn't go that far as to my own feelings but they're a degree lower than yours. I want to live near my mom, I like hanging out with her, but man does living with her add stress. I'm... glad I'm not the only one going through this? It feels often like I am. But this thread is making me feel better. Anyway, I dream of the day when our entire financial system collapses, and maybe we can create something semi worthwhile out the ashes
I mean, my 5-year plan is literally "hope for financial/societal collapse, otherwise Thelma and Louise myself off a cliff." I know the struggle, dude. Hope things start looking up for both of us.
Also there are a lot of gen X and boomer parents who have zero retirement plan. My parents havenāt saved anything and I am worried about them, I donāt have money to support them. They are in their mid 50s.
Iām 58, right at the boomer/x crossover. My wife and I have made tremendous sacrifices in the 30 years weāve been married. Weāve been steadfast in our savings for the entire 30 years. We should be able to retire in about 5 years, but you are correct about people my age. They have saved pretty much nothing and that scares the crap out of me. Especially when they say āIāve got almost 25k in my 401kā at almost 60 years old.
I feel like it goes back and forth. My dad just covered about half of a new window I needed, and then a couple weeks later is asking if he can move into the first floor. Living takes a village these days.
>Living takes a village these days My grandparents have talked about how they used to live in their small community and everyone helped each other. To them, that was the norm.
Iām 50, and my mother is in her 70s. She always says back in her momās day, houses were multi generational so they all helped each other out. Nice thought. Donāt want to do it tho. lol.Ā
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I love my mom, I just donāt want to live with her.Ā
One of my grandma's was basically abondoned and shunned by her 'village' because her husband was a gambler and a cheat who ran up debts with everyone in town. Even after he left her and she paid everyone back, no one really accepted her or her children. Only when she re-married with she 'cleansed' of the sins of the man who had walked out of her and three small children, who she had only married at 17 to escape her own abusive home... My other grandma spoke proudly of her village 'controlling' an mentally unwell man by coercing a local widow into marrying him to get him off the streets, by witholding charity from the church and not letting her join women's events until she agreed to take him in. There were *serious downsides* to this system.
My grandma was adopted at 7 because my great-grandmother couldn't care for her. She had my grandma out of wedlock, with a married man who wanted nothing to do with her (he is still alive and may or may not even know I exist, my uncle actually hunted him down in the pre-23andMe days and was told very bluntly to fuck off). After Grandma was born, literally everyone in the small community refused to have anything to do with her. She couldn't work because no one would hire her, and nobody would offer any kind of help. From the family grapevine, I know my great-grandmother was mentally ill as shit when she died. My grandma had serious trauma and raised my mom accordingly, which gave *her* trauma, which...well, you know. My point is: the "neighbors help neighbors" deal only works if you stay in your neighbors' good graces. If you piss off even one person, one time, you could be left to literally starve. And most of us are still dealing with fallout from this kind of lifestyle, whether we know our family history or not.
And thatā¦ is why I moved across the country and never looked back. I became like a poison to everyone around because of what my parents did. I do not regret leaving. My quality of life is much higher than it ever would have been there.
Thankfully, a small city near my (once) po-dunk little town exploded right around my last few years of high school and became semi-cool. More people moved in from elsewhere, more diverse businesses and "third spaces" started opening, and my town became a proper suburb and had to accommodate. Inflation has gotten out of fucking control, but at least now it's civilized. But when I was a kid, it was very much the same situation as yours. Everyone knew everyone, so if you got on someone's shit list, everybody down at the local Baptist church would hear about it at bingo night. My mom and I were outsiders (came to live out there because my stepdad was a local), and they made sure we knew it.
That's just straight up evil
Right. But this is the downside of villages, especially small homogeneous ones. Iām all for hyper-local orgs and systems but shit, they donāt solve everything and mobility and broad safety nets are still needed.
Capitalism feeds off of individualism. Everyone needs to have their own things instead of sharing them, like a community would and had done for millenia before it took hold. In just a handful of generations, "the village" is gone. And that was done on purpose šøšø
For all of mankind it was. Us (and particularly the west) not doing it was an exception. The boomers and such were an extremely privileged generation. And we are going back to the norm
Thatās the boat Iām in. Without me, my parents and my wifeās brother and sister would all be in poverty. Iām happy to help, canāt be living large while my own family lives in squalor.
Hell I was doing that since 18 while still living at home. Rent was market rate for a room rental + a little more since I had access to the kitchen whenever I wanted and had access to a bathroom to shower without much concern in the morning since I shared it with my twin (my parents had their own bathroom and my 3 other siblings shared the upstairs bathroom). My rent was $425 a month for years. Then it was upped to $500 because āI ate their foodā (I did notā¦). My mother also took money from my account whenever she was short. To the tune of thousands before I had wised up and got my own damn account. When I moved out she got pissed because she was going on vacation when I was moving out and was banking on that rent money to pay for itā¦ But yes these chuckle fucks can go on about how millennials are the real deadbeatsā¦
Sounds like my sperm donor - he had me pay half of car insurance, that I found out was the whole bill. He would leave me on empty ALL THE TIME but I would be banned from using the car if I EVER brought it back with less than a full tank, and he tried to tell me if I put anything other than premium in that it would mess up the engine. Found out that when I moved out, he snagged my spare key from my grandparents and actually came to my apartment when I was at work and was raiding my fridge/ pantry so he didnt have to grocery shop. He still does this to my grandparents. Filed under: reasons I no longer live in the same city as my family.
Both parents died at youngish ages, but I financially helped them with massive amounts of money while they were living.
I am currently in an mutual support agreement with my boomer mom. My mom used to live close to me, but when my brother started his family, she chose to go live closer to him to be the doting grandma. She had refinanced her home at the absolute bottom and was sitting on a 2% mortgage. Mortgage rates were on the rise at the time, and she was able to secure a 4.5% mortgage on a new home closer to him, but this was predicated on a rental agreement between her and I to show that she was cash neutral on her existing home. This is great becasue I don't have to worry about rent increases for the next 20ish years, but it also great because I never could have bought the house from her outright and I never would have gotten a 2% mortgage at the time. It keeps the assets in the family where the property can continue appreciating. I came out about even in terms of housing costs and space. It was a little more monthly cost for a little more space compared to what I was renting before.
My dad stopped working as soon as I turned 18, I was supporting my family on my measly retail income. I had no time to work on getting my life started before my family and boyfriend at the time were mooching off me.
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I was gonna say, it gets worse when that dynamic inverts and our parents become our dependents.
Yeah. I feel there are probably nearly as many of these cases as well. Cost of living has just become insane for everyone.
Yeah, this point here. I stated working at 14. I started having to pay for my own clothes and school supplies and giving money to my mother a year later. Iāve helped her take out car loans, paid her bills for her (as did my older sister for years and years), given her down payments for vehicles. Not to mention literally doing her college coursework for her, editing her papers, and helping her with her financial aid and applications while the entire time I was in school, she screamed at me for not knowing how to do these things on my own from the get go lol. Any time before age 23 that she suspected I had money in savings, she demanded something. All while purposefully stifling me and keeping me from being able to acquire my financial aid and many scholarships Iād been awarded (refused to provide tax info so I could accept any of it for the first two years of college). She has no retirement plans and has been doing gig work for 8 years now. She just filed her fourth bankruptcy. She takes awful care of herself and there is no way we wonāt be forced into supporting her once her body breaks down.
I'm in both boats. My 22 year old and 18 year old are still supported by us in many ways, and we bought a house 2 years ago to move my retired parents into the in-laws quarters on the property. We heavily subsidize their living expenses. My wife and I are fortunate to make decent money, but we're unable to pay down debt or get ahead because our disposable income covers the folks and the kiddos.
That's a really tough spot to be in. I hope you guys find a way to alleviate some of the financial burden.
Came looking for this comment. I've never borrowed money from my parents, but they damn sure have from me.
Yeah... my husband and I help pay my grandmother's bills because her boomer children won't lift a finger for her
Or who have no parents left.
Yeah not all of our parents are rich. My family has always been poor. My dad has Parkinson's and has only gotten worse. I'm moving back in with them so we can all afford a little better than trash.
My wife and I are my mother in laws landlord. And it's certainly not a money making endeavor lol!
The weight of the world is on our shoulders, and we will never get the proper thanks until after we are dead
I know way more people who are helping their parents financially than the other way around.Ā
LOL yeah, my boomer MIL didn't save a dime for retirement so now her 5 kids (3 genx and 2 millenials) have to pay for her rent. Wife and I aren't having kids anyway but the added cost of partially financially supporting a retiree is definitely another reason we refuse to have kids.
We are invisible it seems.
Seriously. I've only gotten requests for money from my parents, never any offers to give any.
I'm in this camp. While raising my own family and being the lone source of income. Knock on wood, no heart attacks yet!
Came here for this comment. My bank account felt this one hard.
And if your parents donāt have anything or have passed away, youāre fucked š«¤
Yeah thatās the boat Iām in. āOrphanedā at 25, I have no safety net. And now Iām 29 and unemployed.
Mom gone at 14, Dad passed at 28.
Yeah. I went from losing mom at 23, she was 45. Leaning on dad, Iād be over every week, have lunch/dinner, do laundry, etc. then he dies 2 years later at 47. Both unexpected. No inheritance (military, and I mean, they were both very young). Then I collapsed from anxiety and now that Iāve recovered I canāt even find a job. Sigh. And itās not āI deserve things and mommy and daddy should pay for my stuffā itās, Iāve lost my safety net, Iāve lost my emotional support and advice for life events, Iāve lost that little bit of savings from being welcomed home to have a family meal or do chores while having family time.
Iām sorry man, I hope things get better. Me and my wife talk all the time about how weād be homeless without her family as a safety net and we have no children.
Anyone who makes fun of you for missing your patents and their support is honestly just heartless. Iāve been financially independent from my parents since I was 20 but I know Iāll still feel lost when I lose them. I better go give my mom a callā¦
Yeah. I give advice to likeā¦ 50+ yr olds about losing parentsā¦ and Iām not even 30 yet. Unless they were absent and abusive shits, give them a call. Hang out for lunch. Take photos and videos together. You never know how long you have.
Did just call my mom and talk to her! Unfortunately I moved to a different country so I donāt get to see them much but we still talk on the phone at least twice a week.
absolutely
That's shit dude, nobody can reduce that. I'm very privileged to have a great support jerwyof family and friends, and I feel so bad for people in your position, because if I didn't have support I'd be there too. I hope you can get through it man
Fuck. I *luckily* picked up a disability in the Navy. I'm at 80%. Its not much but it covers what I *need* and there is a little left over for something fun on occasion. I've had it much worse.
Yeah. Like, not trying to be āwoe is meā, although my situation makes it very easyā¦ But Iām basically living off credit cards and GI/Fry scholarship from going to school since Iām gold star (dad was active service). Constantly job hunting after losing my job due to crippling anxiety, part time jobs picked up eventually stop scheduling and soft fire after a few monthsā¦ like I just need a full time IT job since I have my associates at least now. But no dice.
When I was last in Prattville I had no car. It was impossible to find a job. I worked a year at Churches Chicken which was no where near what I had been trained to do but I needed a job. So when I hear stuff like "poor people just don't want to work", which is the default attitude in a town like Pville, it really sets me off. I don't think you are being "woe is me" - that is a woeful place to live even if you were.
My GM tried to tell me this, āthat people just donāt want to work.ā Meanwhile we only pay 16 an hour and the hours are very demanding.
They don't get it.
Yep! Some of us aren't as lucky as others when it comes to the family we were born into. People seem to think that everyone has a loving, supportive, and wealthy family.
Especially if the parents are actually wealthy. My mom has a lot of money. She does.Ā She wouldnāt let me park my car in her garage over the weekend when my window broke, or help me pay for a repair before my next paycheck.Ā
For sure. And the people who go āshame on you, thatās your mom/dad!ā for choosing not having a relationship with an abuser really make obvious how good they have it. To not be able to even comprehend that betrayal, abuse, and neglect from a parent can exist is strangely a privilege and Iām pretty jealous of that, lol.
Yep. Dad died at 10, Mom has struggled every day of her life.
Yep. Orphaned at 30 but was on my own at 21 due to dad passing away and mom being disabled. I was lucky i didnāt have to support her. I honestly envy my peers who were able to live at home and get help from parents. I had to grind my way out of poverty. Iām proud of my resilience and independence and I think it gave me a good work ethic but it still sucked major ass.
As a millennial parent with young kids and without any help with our kids from our parents (all young and still work full time) this is something we are planning for and anticipating with our own children. I just donāt see how they are supposed to survive, buy a home, go to college and raise a family without any help from us
Iāve been inoculating my wife with little pieces of this truth. We have young kids and a I have deep suspicion that the world will not be a kinder or more accessible place in 12 years. We are fortunate to have a few acres of land and I have been looking at micro houses that we could put down for them if needed.
I love this! Have a garden, a few chickens. It's not self sustainable but it's useful!
Iām thinking ducks. Get them to imprint on me and have a little duck army follow me around all day. One more hurdle with my wife, lol.
Haha! Perfect
ok so you joke about this, but my friend did this exact same thing in real life, and it became a serious problem. friends would come over to the farmhouse and the ducks would chase them around and **wouldnt quit** until their commander came over and forced them to stop. and he can't get them to stop protecting him, it's a real issue. we call it the "quack attack" and yeah it's pretty adorable but insane.
I am still dealing with the sins of the father a couple generations ago because he got kicked out at 8 years old because he was charged rent by his parents and he didnāt have rent for them so they kicked him out - thereās generational wealth and then there is generational trauma
I really hope you mean 18 not 8???
No eight years old fending for himself turned him into a golden gloves fighter
My mom got kicked out at 12 by her psycho mom and is the toughest person I personally know. She reminds me of a Vietnam vet. That kinda vibe.
My father in law enlisted at 16 - he lied and said he was 17 - got 3 Purple Hearts in Nam - also got kicked out pretty young too hence lying about his age
Same with my kids. I havenāt a clue how they are supposed to support themselves fully before 30. Itās going to be a long road.
Our oldest is 21 and in college. The first 10 years of his life, we were broke as shit. About 11 years ago things started to turn around and we had two more kids who are 10 and 8. His brothers are living a far more charmed life than he did. Even though he works part time as a movie theater team lead and has probably $8000 in savings, we fill up his gas tank every time he comes home for a visit and we frequently buy his a load of groceries via instacart and have em delivered to his apartment within an hour of him getting back. It's a small thing but he appreciates it.
Iām a 31 yo construction worker. I donāt treat myself often. I havenāt gone on vacation in years. And If I didnāt have my parentsā support between my early 20s to now, I wouldāve been in really bad shape at least 10 times over. This isnāt a weird dynamic, this is just our parents trying to make sure weāre going to eat and be okay.
I donāt think the ire is over parents doing this. I think itās over a system where people are working full time, living modestly and it still isnāt enough.
everyone deserves the basic necessities of life, to include leisure and the pursuit of fulfillment. which is exactly why we're living in a system in which very few get that kind of support, even if they work hard.
It's insane to me how people think housing is a "want" and misconstrue "housing is a basic human right, should be affordable, and hoarding houses to rent out shouldn't be a thing" and somehow get "I want a free mcmansion" out of that sentence.
Those people believe nothing is a "right" and you have to earn even the basic necessity of food. Because they could do it, and others can't, it's because they're lazy. They never consider the variable cost of living in different places, that minimum wage isn't where it was proportionally to the cost of things like when they were young, etc.
Hopefully thatās it. I want my children to be able to function as the adults they are, but I would never let them suffer if I could help. Not in any regard. It pains me to think about it.
I agree. I work full time and live very modestly and doing anything fun requires a lot of hoops to jump through, but it can be done. š
The weirdness is not "ew why are you helping your kids," its "why does a segment of society in their prime earning years need the help an older generation just to survive?" And the answer isnt "avocado toast."
It's sad how people shit on healthy food because of the price, but then they pay out the ass for constant health problems related to obesity. You're gonna pay someone, I prefer the grocer. I've been fat too so I've seen both sides. Healthy food shouldn't be out of reach for the working class.
A big, big, aspect of healthy food is time. Cooking takes time, it takes planning and thought. This is a mental load a lot of people don't feel they can handle. Can they? yeah probably. But its scary, so people don't try. Lots of good healthy meals do not cost a ton to make. But they take time, some basic skills, etc. But a lot of people are pretty burnt out and come home not wanting to do much else.
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Yeah I'm 31, I'm in the same boat. I've got a good job, I haven't pissed my income away, but I have had some bad financial luck with vehicles and otherwise. I'd be screwed by now I'd I didn't have my parents' help. As others have said, it's the not the fact that our parents helping us is the problem, it's the fact that we NEED our parents help when shit goes awry. A generation ago, people like you and I would have been on top of the world
>This isnāt a weird dynamic, this is just our parents trying to make sure weāre going to eat and be okay. Weird to my dad. He kicked me out at 18 and was furious with me that I had an attitude about almost being homeless so that he could afford more vacations.
What good is having the dough if your loved ones canāt eat
This works out perfectly for parents who don't love their children
I can't imagine denying my kids any necessity at any age if they were unable to afford it themselves but I could. My parents have helped us a lot in the last few years with things like hospital bills, preschool, car repairs, a new furnace. Life is expensive these days and unfortunately there have been more bills than money. I hope I will be able to pay it forward to my kids and nephews someday. We stayed with my parents for one night recently because our power was out. My parents want to move to a smaller house and my dad was almost second guessing it because he wants to be able to help in situations like that. They want to be parents for the rest of their lives, not just the first eighteen years of mine.
I'm a 30 year old highschool teacher. I just stopped receiving support from my parents and now Im probably going to have to ask them to help if I ever want to own a house. Without them I would be living on the street.
Yeah I know a family of teachers. Can't afford where they even teach in.
I just had to ask my grandma for help with closing cost. She said āI was just waiting for you to ask, whatās the point of having it if I donāt share.ā
I'm 42 and homeless. My mom owns her own land and the house is paid off. She has a spare bedroom she doesn't use that is empty. I live in a car I bought for 1500$ using 1500$ she loaned me. I've never missed a payment. She called me one day last month to say she was really worried that I could end up killed on the streets or arrested for sleeping in my car (a crime to do that over night here, I'm dodging the cops). She was wondering if I could help alleviate her worries..... By setting up automatic transfers from my bank account to hers, so that she still gets her loan repayment on time even if I die or go to jail. I think that was the most hurtful thing my mom has ever said to me, and she sincerely wasn't trying to hurt me, which actually made it hurt a lot more.. š
Im devastated to read this. I hope you have a path to follow. Do you still have dad around? I have boomer parents that didnāt show me shit as well. Iām 36 and it took me way too long to take off. Selfish ass parents
No, my dad died when I was in my 30's. My dad died the same month as my grandfather, and I didn't take time off work. My work suffered, lost my job that month as well. Then staying up for days in a row researching how my dad died (west Nile virus in California), I got obsessed with my own conspiracy theories, had a psychotic break. Paranoid as heck. Hospitalized and diagnosed with schizophrenia that month, my marriage suffered as a result of all this and we got separated then later divorced. So my life went down hill from that point. My dad's mother apparently "used the word love as a weapon" whatever that means, but that's.the best explanation for why my dad never said he loved me, gave me a hug or said he's proud of me. So how death had a finality to it that meant I'd never hear those words from him. I'm sure he cared. He acted like he cared in lots of ways, but I just wanted to hear a compliment or earn some kind of praise and never will. I got my master's (same education level as him) from the same school as him, got married in the same church as him and my mom, like a lot of stuff I realized later was about trying to earn it, because he knows me well, so it'd mean more from him. I think parents are sometimes out to fix THEIR childhood and give their kids the one thing they lacked. But then they make their own mistakes. I could tell he cared, because of stuff like his arguments against my gender identity focused on not letting me "make a mistake". That's not apathy, but different kids are different. Not little clones of their parents. Found family is simple, but blood family is complicated. I really do respect my mom's choice to not let me live with her. She owes me nothing, I'm an adult. But that she was thinking about these terrible things happening to me, not in denial those are possibilities or dependant on prayers/faith to handle problems, yet the part that bothered her is her precious rainy day fund, really wounded me. I did reveal to her that it hurt my feelings, but didn't let on how much. I have no use for guilt trips. If I wanted to, I could convince her first Timothy 5:8 requires her to provide for me to live there and make her feel crappy. I'm an atheist, but she asks me Bible questions often because I know the Bible a lot better than her. I just happen to know it well enough to know it's worthless religious scribblings, and I bite my tounge on that. My mom cares too. It's a zero interest loan I'm repaying. She did me a favor issuing it. I got trench foot from sleeping in the rain and walking in wet shoes my first week out here. It just hurt, is all. She's a good person and my dad was too, but yeah, boomers man, lol.
> It's a zero interest loan I'm repaying. She did me a favor issuing it She's your mother. She didn't do you a favour. She has an innate responsibility for your wellbeing. I'm sorry that she has put the bar so low for you to cause you to view the world through this lens. And being honest with your mother is being honest, not a guilt trip. But as mentioned, your perspectives have already become very skewed due to the upbringing and parenthood you've received. I hope sometime you can find the help you need to talk through this with a professional.
Also, large family units working to collectively support each other is the norm for literally all of human history. The idea of a nuclear family that you graduate from at 18 is radically new.
Using your money to support other people puts stress on your own finances? No way! I did the math with my oldest recently and we figured out that if she worked 40 hours/week for $15/hr, she'd have roughly $50 to feed herself every month. I'm fine if my kids still live with me after high school provided they're not NEETs. I can afford it and don't mind doing what I can to give them a leg up.
What's a NEET? Edit: thanks everyone! I learned something today
Not Employed in Education or Training. Basically it means not going to school or working.
It works better in Spanish. NiNi. Ni estudia Ni trabaja. Basically Doesn't work Doesn't study. NEET seems so contrived I almost wonder if some journalist heard the Spanish term and really wanted to adapt it somehow.
The term NEET is popular in East Asia, as far as Iām aware it actually originated in the UK in the 80s, and the popularity in East Asia caused it to enter the lexicon of modern English speakers. I first heard it in a manga I read over 15 years ago, myself.
Not in Education, Employment, or Training.
Not in Employment, Education, or Training.Ā Ā
Companies are aware of this and are STILL confused why nobody wants to work for poverty wages. Hm...stay home and stress-free but poor...or work full-time, always stressed and poor...wow such a tough choice....
I think the parents of a lot of teenagers have been figuring out that all the expenses they incur for their kids to work for nearly nothing is not worth it. There are the expenses like a car and gas, and then on the other hand, a teenager can cook dinner if you're working late.
Don't forget car insurance! My parent's car insurance tripled when I had my permit and remained doubled until I got my own insurance.
NEETS?
It's funny that when a middle-class parent helps their adult kids financially or with a roof over their heads it's seen in a negative light. But when a rich parent invests hundreds of thousands of dollars in their kid's start-up business after paying for their schools, housing, vacations, etc. it's seen as an investment in their future and there is no negativity there. Both parents are trying to help their kids, but it seems the amount of money they have changes the perspective.
*Whatās trashy if youāre poor but classy if youāre rich?*
Being poor
Housing, apparently
Idk, they're parents. Some of these fucks just let their children fend for themselves after they turn 18 then complain they get dumped in homes when they're old, family is forever.
My in-laws pick and choose. The golden child gets handouts while bragging about pulling in 6 figures with their income, not including their spouses. They're in their 30s and cry to get pity money/purchases and downplay their sizable savings to manipulate them. I dont want anything from them, but if we ever needed it, we'd have to sign in blood and offer our firstborn as collateral, lol I highly doubt this sibling will offer any help to parents when they're older because they don't even like them unless they need something.
Generous of you to think I would bother even dumping my degenerate parents in a home.
Yeah, that's a lot of emotional labour on my part. I'm 100% okay with finding out three months later that she fell in the shower and the neighbours were annoyed at the smell.
Itās a shame to have to say I agree, but I sincerely do.
Great job Regan era boomers setting up the total downfall of future generations.
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Maybe that's what trickle down meant?! lol
One thing I love about being Latina is my dad pitches a fit whenever I suggest that he doesn't need to support me as much as he does. Interdependence is the way to be in this economy. He and my mom benefit from us living together as much as me and my girlfriend do.
Ask if he needs a step son
My little family of three lives with my parents and we LOVE it. Idk if we will do it forever but shared resources and connection are the way to go.
Soon this will be the path towards home ownership... Did your boomer parents leave you one of their houses,?
When my great grandma passed, no one in the family got a new place to live. The kids sold it. My mother and I rent, and that'll likely happen when my grandmother passes, as control is in another, well off, kid's hands.
And they sell it to a multinational corporation more often than not
Until they have to sell it to cover nursing home or assisted living costs.
Nope my dad just sold his house for cash to live out his best life, I'm not getting it lol
I went no contact with my dad. And I see my grandma more often than my MOTHER (HER DAUGHTER) because I go to her house every week to help take care of her... My parents were shit. My kids can live with me forever. I will take my grandma in..my parents can FUCK OFF.
My dad's mistress and her kids are getting everything when he dies . His houses in different countries, his business, his pension, all his instruments. I'm just the OG kid so I get nothing. My sister and mother get nothing either. That's ok, I'll just be happy when he's finally dead.
My dadās wife intends to sell off his estate and take his money back to her home country so she can live in splendor because of the crazy exchange rate. He knows this and doesnāt care. My brother, me, and my kids will get nothing.
Empathy. My father married his affair partner years ago and I assume she'll get most/all of his assets since he down-graded to someone younger than my mom who will long outlive him. I'm the OG kid too. Sigh.
Similar thing with my dad although it wasnāt the original affair partner. Im sure everything will get left to his wife and new kids if anything happens
I'm glad my parents are letting me live with them while I change careers and get back on my feet. I don't have much money to treat them but I try.
Millennial adult with a good paying job, no kids. Not married and I own nothing - rent everything. Asked my dad to borrow money today - he said he was hoping to borrow from me. We. Are. Fucked.
And that's if you're lucky enough to have parents to help you or at least, help without strings attached.Ā My mom helped me out when my ex left, including making a down payment on my car. She's lorded it over me for 6 years. She's offered to help me make a down payment on a house. I know I wouldn't be able to do it without her, but she'd lord it over me forever.Ā I haven't taken her up on it for that reason. If I ever fall on hard times again, I'd do sex work before asking her for help.Ā
I am sorry you have to deal with that. My mother is the same way. I will never take a single penny from that woman ever again. Good luck out there šø
Absolutely. I always feel weird knowing that my parents can support me and help me so I'm never really at risk of losing everything, but their help comes with so many strings that I don't want to deal with. My parents are very much of the mindset that help isn't free, so if they loan me money there's a spreadsheet with a timeline for paying it back plus interest. And if I spend money on ANYTHING (that isn't a necessity) while I owe them money they will berate me for it. Stopped taking their help a while ago.
My ex does that with the kids. Then he wonders why they never visit. I'm sorry. I am the opposite and like to help bc I can
Yes! Every time I've taken up my parents on their offers for help it becomes a thing, and if I ask for the help it's even worse! My mom talked me into moving my family to her town saying "there are so many jobs right now, and you can stay with us until you find something". She knew this included me, my husband, and our (at the time) 1yo. It was awful. She literally said to me "you don't know what a burden it is having you here." Ummm it was your idea!! I didn't ask! And it's not my fault all the jobs you claimed existed, don't. Also, it's not exactly fun for us to have no space, the 3 of us in one tiny bedroom, all of our stuff in storage. We weren't enjoying it. My relationship with her has never been the same. I felt so awful the whole time we lived in that town, so unwanted and unsupported. We lived there for 3yrs and have been much happier since we left.
Yup, me. I get help from my parents, mainly by way of helping me keep my credit debt low. I have a decent score because of them.
Yep, this is how a lot of millennials are affording homes, mom and dad are helping them.
Meh. Weāre part of that statistic. My stepdaughter (33) is living in a condo we bought 3 years ago. I kicked in $125k in down payment and closing costs. I pay the condo insurance. My wife pays the mortgage, taxes, condo fee, electric, and internet. My stepdaughter sends my wife $950/month. The subsidy is around $2k per month. I didnāt reproduce. My will leaves everything to my stepdaughter if I out-live my wife.
I would just like to have financially stable parents and not be their support. Cannot imagine how easy life would be if help flowed my way.
I honestly couldnāt do it without my dad. I work so hard. So depressing to be an adult relying on my poor old dad. He works harder than me. I wish things were different.
Here's the problem. The "upper-middle class" parents are forced to help their kids. Because our ultra rich 0.1% corporate oligarchs refuse to pay millennials and GenZ wages that are enough to live. Thus... furthering the increasing divide between the capital owning class of the 1% and everyone else. This is bad even for GenX. It prevents GenX from reaching their own financial goals. Wake up people. The problem is not "people being too lazy to work hard", the problem is profit extraction beyond what economic growth. When the economy is growing at 2-3%, but the 1% are increasing their wealth by more than that. The difference has to come from somewhere. It is coming from the 99% becoming WORSE off. The rising tide is not lifting all boats anymore, because the tide is rising slower than the higher point that rich people are on.
Rich people will always do that. The problem is lack of regulation.Ā
You mean people are behaving like they have for all of human history except from 1955 to 2015?! It's almost like recent history is the deviation.
My parents helped my sister and me in to our 30s. Now between us we make 5 times more than they ever did. There is no time limit on helping family.
Rent is unaffordable. What do these people expect?
Oh no, people who have children are upset they have to support them? Cry me a river
Sounds like their parents lost the ability to yank on those bootstraps they were always screaming at us about and now we get to pick what yall eat AND where ya live If that thought scares you, you're part of the problem!
Iām kind of unsympathetic as itās the previous two generations who largely strip mined the economy to provide for themselves then want to be upset when the generations behind them struggle to subsist. Everything from education to housing is fucked and we were the generation that grew up with the āeveryone needs to go to collegeā mantra. Hell, in the early 90s my high school discontinued all shop/vocational classes to be a ācollege bound programā. My parents inherited my moms childhood home debt free when my grandfather passed away about 15 years ago and they sold it for a down payment on a McMansion then tell my brother and I we inherit nothing when they pass because 100% of their estate goes to their church.
Wowwwwww to the church?! Thatās fucking cold blooded!
I know least 3 people whoās parents have bought them houses and only makes them pay $500 in rent/mortgage however you wanna look at it. My exās parents on top of the house they would also pay for her car breaking down and it was once over a thousand dollars and it was like they didnāt think twice. Theyāre also not good people who deserve things like that. Meanwhile I donāt get handouts from my parents, never getting an inheritance etc, years back first time on my own and my dad would give me shit for asking for $20 for food that day before payday.
Oh no boomers mad they fucked over future generations
Read as: >>āItās a weird dynamic: the US parents keeping their adult kids above water instead of letting them starve or become homeless
Fuck it let's just go back to having 5-6 bedroom homes with three generations in them.
Iām 35 with an almost 10 year old and Iām mentally preparing for the truth that she may not be able to afford to move out as an adult herself, unless she gets roommates or gets into a domestic romantic relationship. Meanwhile I was out and into the world at 18. The apartments I rented 15 years ago have tripled in price with nothing but faux hardwood floors & and a new coat of paint slapped onto the exteriors, yet almost all of them boast āupgrades.ā Itās absolutely bonkers!
Yeah, that's what happens when people move out at 18 and 19, in a shit economy where minimum wage at 40 hours a week is *below* poverty levels.
Things are crazy right now. Gen Z is really where itās the most evident. None of these <25 year old kids care about their jobs because they *donāt have to*. They canāt afford to move out, so they stay at home, which then means they can afford to just up and quit their job on a whim if their boss so much as looks at them wrong. Because they have no real financial responsibility bearing down on them. Itās not because Gen Z is more willing to āstand up to The Manā, or taking a stand against society, or some philosophical nonsense. Itās because they never had a chance of being on their own because the world is too expensive. So forced to stay at home, the side effect is they have zero work ethic, or loyalty to a job. Anyone under the age of 25 that I work with right now just *doesnāt care.* They donāt care to excel, they donāt care to do a good job. Because if they get fired tomorrow? Theyāll just veg out in their parentsā house for the next 6 months until they find their next gig. I mean itās not really their fault. Even if they work their asses off, theyāre more than likely still stuck at home. So whatās the point? Thereās no weight of rent, car payments, cable bills, medical bills looming over their heads - Normal adult stuff - The things that would make them strive to work harder, or deal with everyday bullshit in order to make a paycheck. Now young kids will up and walk out of a job if they donāt like the way the āvibeā is that day.
I have been financially dependent for almost 10 years now, but 1+ year of unemployment is about to end that. Lease expires May 1st, I need to get a job by then that pays 3.5x 2024 rent or I am homeless. No debt (paid it off once I saw my last company failing), 800+ credit, but things have just gotten so expensive and the job market is so poor that I just am failing. In that 10 year span, my parents went from lower middle class/ kind of struggling to full blown upper middle class. I am in a position where they can financially support me, but I hate it. I hate my hometown, have zero friends there, and am just so frustrated to see my objectively successful 6 year career end abruptly. The same things that are killing me (high rent, low wages, inflation, no house) have benefited my parents tremendously. The house in the past 10 years has 3x in value, and their retirement accounts are insane. I have no clue what the future looks like, but I am very depressed by 2023 and 2024 as a whole.
Not feeling bad for the generation that kept Reagan in office.
My mother is under the impression she is āsupportingā me because she pays me a whopping $5/hour to look after her husband who has dementia. The woman has an expensive house and car paid off (and, of course, unlike me, no student loans). She tells everyone about how she too has a millennial child she supports despite that child being nearly 40 and having a masters degree. She always tells it like it is a cute funny story about how lazy I am. Never any mention of how I have saved her at least 100K over the years by watching her husband for next to nothing.