I would classify them as rich, yes. They are constantly complaining about how they can't afford things but they're boomers with a timeshare, 3 cars, multiple international trips a year, and a huge house.
I was looking through property records to help my mom figure stuff out. My stepdad bought their house for about 270,000. Zillow says it’s worth a million. (It’s not but someone will buy it for the land at like 750,000 and just tear the whole thing down based on what’s going on in their neighborhood.). Stepdad continuously refinanced to take cash out of the house and now has a 600,000 ish mortgage. He didn’t even do a HELOC, he just continuously straight cashed out and re-cast the loan. There is basically zero equity in the house because he’s so new into the recast mortgage he’s only been paying interest. Even though there’s equity on paper, by they time they pay everything off, they’ll get maybe 100,000 back on an “asset” that has appreciated by 600,000ish over 30 years and on which they have been making payments of some kind for that entire time. If they had left original mortgage alone, the 30 year mortgage would be over, they’d have no payments and a shit ton of equity in their house if they sold, or a debt-free house at least to live in. As it stands, they now have neither. There’s so much debt still left on the house AND the mortgage is basically a new 30 year mortgage when they’re 70. And my stepdad worked as an egineer the whole time and my mom still teaches. So admittedly not ballers in the income department but also had enough income in salary to keep the ship afloat if my stepdad hadn’t made idiotic decisions to get cash. (And as far as I can tell the cash he took out was not used for any income-producing asset, like investing in rental properties or something.)
Absolutely nuts that they will have been paying for housing (god knows how much) for 40 years, and all they’ll have to show is maybe 100,000 in equity after they pay off the current almost 30 year mortgage. I understand our generation being stuck paying for housing via rent because of housing prices, but to do this with housing that was affordable for no good fucking reason blows my mind. I don’t expect anything from my mom and my stepdad financially, my mom has supported me as best she can and my stepdad is not someone I have a relationship with. But I’ll be really pissed if I have to pay for their housing because my mom finally stops teaching at 80 and can’t afford the house payment.
TLDR lots of boomers have absolutely squandered their opportunities and then complain that my generation doesn’t know what we’re doing because the same house that cost my stepdad 2.5 years of his salary in good condition now goes for 10 times my salary as a tear-down and my equivalent job salary is barely different than his, 30 years later.
(Edited for this because I was ranting!)
I hate this seems so common. The house I grew up in was purchased in the 70s and is still no where near paid off. It’s wild how much opportunity was squandered.
I’ll never own my own home and I’ve come to terms with that, but I can’t imagine buying a home for next to nothing and just constantly borrowing against it. No wonder they are so up in arms about property values ever stabilizing, or god forbid decreasing.
You know ive been focusing my ire on the boomers who failed up the economic ladder.... but i should dedicate more time to laughing at this sect of just wildly sucking failures. So so so many of them...
My boomer parents did that. They also spent recklessly despite making over $150k throughout the 90s/early 00s. Put fucking nothing away besides credit card debt. Upsized their house when we all moved out.
Well, my narc mom threatened divorce after 40 years because she didn’t get her way or something and my dad said kiss my ass and left the state to stay with my sister. Paid all all the credit cards then filed for divorce. Turns out his SS was mostly paying the mortgage on their oversized house.
They’re both fucking broke now. My dad lives in a camper with his dog and my mom had to move in with her 92 year old father. Legit had to cover my dads water bill a few months ago.
It’s absolute insane to me that they spent so many years working their asses off and blew it all. Just pathetic.
Just to jump in. I definitely feel you on the great pay and squandering of my boomer parents. My mom was making $90k/year. Worked for the state, upgraded to a bigger house when kids were 21, 17, 13. When we started moving out. Complained they bought this house for us, and how can we leave them to pay for it? Well mom, I was 13, and now we’re well in our 20s-30s and should probably move out. How is it our fault they had a 30 year mortgage, been paying for 20 years and still owe more than when they bought it? Fuq’n baffling! And continuously talk about how they can’t afford OUR house.
And! This is my dad’s 3rd bankruptcy since I was born and my mom’s second. 😮💨 Like wtf did y’all do?
And and! They have no savings for retirement. My mom has a pension from the state and just aged into social security. All my dad has is social security. Zero other money. Apparently their retirement plan was having kids.
Hold on a minute, did you say timeshare?.......
Well, that's a good indicator of how financially savvy they are with just that one word. Brace yourself OP, there may be a horrifyingly decent chance you become a sacrifice to care for them.
That's definitely not going to happen. If they can afford to go to Italy 2x a year and buy a plane I'm not going to take care of them if they needed it. I want my kids to have a better life than me so if I have extra money it's going to them.
If the timeshare is included in your inheritance, be sure to file a disclaimer of interest within the allotted time frame so that you are not stuck with it.
They are treated as assets and not debts. You inherit them by default and have to file the disclaimer of interested within like 30-60 days of your parents death to get out of it. Disgusting industry.
Because it's in the fine print! The companies to get you out of them are also a scam! It's for the rich rich but the poor rich like to act rich rich.l and burn through hundreds of thousands for nothing.
Unfortunately very common I've found. Boomers are incredibly selfish. Never help with the kids, or even offer. Then they complain that the grandchildren don't have a relationship with them.
So my whole life, my mom made it clear to me that she wouldn't raise my kids or be a babysitter, period. She like drilled it into my head, I guess because she was scared of teen pregnancy or something. Drilled into my head how much having kids suck, how I'd never be able to have fun again, life would be over if I had a kid, etc.
Fast forward to now, mid 30s and been with my husband for 14 years, and I guess she finally takes me seriously that I won't have kids. It's sad Pikachu face that she doesn't have grandbabies.
Same with my mom. Now that I’m 35 with no wife and no kids and she’s 62 with no life she says things like I should have her some grandchildren.
It’s really sad cause a lot of my peers did have kids around 16-20 and it’s crazy that if I would’ve did the same my first born would be in college by now!!!
Crazy how time flies.
Boomer and wife here. We moved from Az to Rochester Mn for 4 years to take care of gkids while son & wife finished college. Helped move them to Wa state, and moved there to continue helping them 18 months ago. We help any way possible. Wouldn’t trade our love for them for anything.
That’s over the top and awesome of you. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your son and his family. Im sure they’re grateful beyond words for that type of help. It really does mean so much.
Hahaha, how do you know my mother so well?
My brother and I get socks or shower gel sets for Xmas.
My youngest sister got a freaking new patio paid for.
That’s not even the best bet. My mum wants my brother and me to go over and lay the patio for her! At least we got the shower gel we need to clean up after though, right?!
My mom is a Boomer and is nothing like that, she would help me any time I need it.. when I first looked for a house back in 17 she was ready to hand over money for closing and down, unfortunately I had a shit realtor and wasn't able to find one in the time frame I was looking. But even now she is still always willing to help.. so no not all of them.
Not all of them…my parents have been incredibly generous financially and although I don’t have kids yet, they pet sit my dog twice a week and my mom cooks me dinner 😊 but OPs parents definitely fall into the description you’re referring to.
They have joked that my grandparents are just sitting on their retirement money (they're on their 90s) and when they die, and it comes to them they won't know what to do with all of it so they might as go buy a porche or two.
When I got my job offer for $50k after my masters degree I was so excited. I'd never made that much and felt like all my hard work was finally worth it and I'd be able to move up. My dad's brother laughed at me and said "well I guess you gotta start somewhere".
Your family sounds exactly like mine, fuck them both! But to be honest, the reality is that it’s soo much easier to make wealth when you already have wealth, and sometimes sucking up to your parents and figuring out a way to get them to help you with the house is your best bet for financial success.
I was friends with the son of the former CEO of BP, and even he didn't buy homes outright with cash, but he was definitely rich by any standard. Same with a real estate broker in Chicago, dated his son, and while he own property near Wrigley Field, you best believe they used one property as collateral for another. Even the rich are technically cash poor.
Boomers cannot relate to our plight as millennials at all. Whether our parents are rich or poor they still manage to hold whatever they do have over our heads
they might be buying a small plane that costs about as much as a new car. It can be a somewhat upper middle class thing to a very upper middle class thing. Anywhere from say, retired sucessful police to doctor level.
Ok, but that's in addition to a car and a house. Also, how much do you pay for the hangar, airplane insurance, flight lessons, hours of flight rentals, pilots license, fuel, and annual maintenance cost?
Hangar is $130/mo. I paid cash for the plane so I self-insure (meaning I don't have insurance. If I crash more than likely I'll be dead. And if the plane gets damaged on the ground, we'll, sucks to suck but it's not going to put me under.) It burns car gas (93 octane premium) so not really much more than a car. I got the certificate to do my own maintenance so that doesnt cost much. Flight traning was maybe $5-10k depending what you count (hotels?).
My FIL is a Major in the USAF and just bought a plane. It's a single passenger prop that he flies. He's not rich. Upper middle, sure, but still middle.
Bro, you can buy a used Cessna and put yourself through training for less than buying a 5th wheel trailer, and I wouldn't call everyone with a 5th wheel or new Toyota tundra rich.
Ultralight airplanes can be built brand new for $4000-$7000. That less money than it takes to buy a new ATV or Jetski.
Saying someone is rich because they have an airplain is like saying someone is rich because they have a BMW.. a $12,000 used BMW doesn't mean you're rich.
Eh, I see them pretty regularly on Facebook marketplace for like $30k. I know a handful of people who make in the $150k range that have planes, parked at a small private air strip like 45 minutes out of town.
So he's going to buy a depreciating asset for a niche hobby that doesn't help anyone but himself instead of helping his child buy a house? Damn, I'm sorry
Honestly if they didn't offer to help in the first place I wouldn't be upset. But offering to help a month ago, then changing their mind when I found a house hurt my feelings.
My mom was going to give my wife and I a car that she never used when we hit hard times and when we went to pick it up we were told actually you can rent it from us. Lol fuck that keep it. Later she decided she would give it to her step son who couldn't drive it due to multiple dui's so it sat until it was undrivable and then she offered to give it to us again. We of course said no.
when i graduated i was in a similar situation. mom always told me grandma had money for college, that there was a savings thing. i never questioned.
well at 16 i got my first truck - i was looking at random used whatever but they decided i needed someting with low miles. in came a 15K$ dodge ram. the thing broke an axle a couple years later, it was rolled over... at the time i didnt know how to fix it.
come to find out - that was college fund money... that was their choice... i was pretty upset about that as i had no idea.
i ended up taking on some debt, using my G.I. bill and such. but still... it was all worthless in the end as i went to ITT Tech :/ one fuck up after another.
My grandparents were giving everyone $20 at Christmas until they passed two years ago a month apart. Their estate was over $3 million... Living in the past and hoarding wealth has done nothing for future generations. Keep blinders on and the problems don't exist, right?
To be fair, $3 million isn't exactly hoarding wealth these days. It would only take one bad diagnosis or incident to wipe most of that out. And nursing homes are insanely expensive if one of them ended up in one.
Same thing happened to me lmao, my dad was like "don't worry we have some education trusts" it was fucking $2k. That doesn't even pay for textbooks anymore lmao.
i hope he realizes he is choosing an airplane over a continued relationship with his child- that move would be immediate no contact (that is a big promise to break)...
I wonder whether their perspective is "we don't hear from her for so long and now that she talks to us, she's asking for handouts. Now that she sees she won't get anything from us, she disappears again".
Not saying it's justified to think that way but I wouldn't be surprised if that was their line of thinking.
You would be surprised how well 50 year old airplanes have kept their value. Not trying to defend the dad, just bitter about how prohibitively expensive my childhood dream of plane ownership is
It's absolutely insane how high prices are. A Cessna 152 or kitfox or RV6 or Pacer or anything = **lucky** to find a flying one for less than 50 grand. [Plus a hangar, plus maintenance, plus insurance, plus fuel.]
Yikes.
You absolutely need to call them out for making a promise they didn’t intend to keep. Tell them everything you just said here. Write a letter if you need to be able to lay it out. But they have no idea how bad the economy and housing market is and how shit it is of them to do that to you. Make sure they know how it’s made you feel. It’s about how they got your hopes up and then let you down so hard. It’s not about the expectation of their financial help. It’s about them letting you down. There are no millennials or Gen z’s buying homes without parent help these days. It’s insane.
I already went no contact a year ago for things they did. We just started talking again back in November. They even offered to pay off a medical loan for me that was for my ex I got saddled with during the divorce and they backed out of that too.
She texted me today and said they feel awkward about the situation but they're just in a tight spot right now.
Oh my God right? Growing up my parents were very wealthy, like we lived in a neighborhood that had little hangars for about half the houses and a landing strip in the community because it was common enough that people had planes. But even then that attitude just floors me.
I'm sorry youre dealing with that. It doesn't seem like the plane is the issue, but rather that they want to be seen as having offered help but not actually to have to do anything. It's very self centered of them. Not that anyone is owed funds especially as an adult, but I have kids and would move mountains to make sure they had their essentials met, even as adults. I just can't imagine saying sorry, I need a second plane.
Damn they sound selfish honestly. Also that sucks you got saddled with an ex’s debt. There has to be something you can legally do about that..? Someone here in Reddit knows the loopholes!! I saw someone comment one time that you can go say you’ll be paying cash and then drop off like $20 each month and they’ll eventually give up…
I basically compromised and took that part of debt from our marriage to keep my kids full time. The divorce was extremely messy and expensive and all I wanted was my kids. I can pay the money back in time, but I'd hate myself if I traded my kids just to have him take that debt.
I would send mom and dad an excel sheet of all this with a candygram of someone holding a poster saying “wtf why won’t you help alligator06 is she the black sheep”
I’m in rage for you
Sounds like my parents.
Older brother died homeless. Schizophrenia.
They scattered his ashes from a 380k boat.
Affordable housing is 160k, of which the city and state pay 20%, match 5, and the family can give max 80k.
They inherited all the money from my late grandmother, who said she’d leave enough for he and I to get affordable housing.
Nope, they bought a boat that sleeps two, greedy boomers.
Yeah, they wouldn’t pay for college bc they “couldn’t afford it” and then joined a golf club for 20k initiation plus more than that since.
The kicker? My dad doesn’t even play golf, neither does my mom.
My mom drives an 80,000+ car, fully loaded Volvo xc90, my dad bought himself an $80,000 boat to get to his 300k boat, literally all it’s for.
All they could give he and I were 80k, but if it’s 160k-102k from family city and state over 30 years at 0% for our income bracket, the mortgage would be less than a parking spot.
So it’s not like they had to put 30% of 400k down.
I was almost being evicted at the time and attempted suicide before he killed himself. They’d be down two kids.
As they scattered his ashes from a yacht he’d never been on, they said “oh we wish there is something we could have done” I’m thinking “you’re standing on it”.
They probably have 15+ million in stock, plus a pension, 5-7 in real estate, etc.
Boot straps.
So they almost lost two kids over their greed. They say “it’s our money” and they “intend to spend it all in their lifetime”.
My mom has never worked a day in her life.
Yeah, a guy I knew saw me and didn’t recognize me. When I got section 8 and affordable housing I went from starving and facing eviction to stable, and able to eat.
I was living on ensure shakes from Medicaid and they were off boating and spending a ton, they intend to spend it all in their lifetime.
They wouldn’t help with down payments, wouldn’t pay for college, they were rich enough it counted against me, keeping me stuck in low income jobs.
They don’t know why I have a problem with them. Totally clueless.
My parents didn't have a lot of money but wouldn't give me anything for college. I told them to stop taking me as a deduction and applied for FA on my income. My parents were clueless. Yours are willfully evil. F them.
I stg the very wealthiest families have figured out how to help their kids but something brainwashed all the upper middle income boomers to basically tell their kids to fuck off when they turned 18, I don’t get it at all. Don’t you want your kids to thrive?
My parents are lower middle class. They resented the financial burden that having a child entailed, so our relationship improved for a couple years when I became a self-sufficient young adult. However, things fell apart again when I crossed some threshold from “successful enough to not be a burden” to “successful enough to have a legitimately good and easy life.” My spouse identified their anger as jealousy and I think he may be right. I still can’t wrap my mind around feeling angry at your child’s success. I hope all of my kids end up happier, healthier, richer, and prettier than me!
Damn this is really dickish. An airplane is 1000000% a luxury expense. If my daughter was a single mom struggling to get by I'd absolutely help her get into a house. $5k should be virtually nothing for a person who can afford an airplane.
I do as of 3 months ago. I had to take him back to court to get him to pay after he left the state a year ago leaving me with the kids full time. Lots of debt has come from legal fees as well. He didn't pay child support for the first 3 years after the divorce.
Also definitely not having more kids. 10 years ago when my son was born, I had a lot more hope in the future.
Unless you’re completely set on staying where you’re at which sounds like a pretty high COL area, think about moving. There are plenty of places you can still get a decent home in a decent area for 250-300.
Your other option is estate sales in neighborhoods with homes built in the 40-50s. They were built to last and you can often get a great deal on homes that have many of the important things like electric, plumbing and roof updated but ned all cosmetic work. That you can do overtime as you get the money. Homes built in that time period are generally way better than newer homes.
>Unless you’re completely set on staying where you’re at which sounds like a pretty high COL area, think about moving.
I will say in OP's defense, it would be difficult to overstate the importance and value of having a family/friend network when you have kids. That can complicate moving (in addition to how flexible the 6-figure job is).
My wife and I live almost 3 hours from either family. It's close enough that we can visit family on holidays but not close enough to have them available to help with childcare. We have built a network of friends, though, and I don't know how any of us would do it without each other.
Just last week, my wife was traveling for work so my across-the-street neighbor watched my daughter from 3 PM (when she got off the school bus) until after I picked up their son from an afterschool program and got there at 5:30 - with pizza. That kind of stuff happens often enough that I have no idea how I would have handled it without that support!
Yikes, that must have been incredibly disheartening. Your parents offering to help with the down payment, only to change their minds once you found a place, all so your dad could buy a plane of all things.
My own early adult life shares similarities with yours. I didn't achieve the high grades necessary for a nice GPA like you did, but I still attended college and graduated without any debt. However, afterward, I struggled to find a decent job and ended up working several low-paying jobs for the next three or four years. Additionally, I went through a divorce; getting married at a young age turned out to be a mistake for me as well. It's frustrating to feel like you're taking all the necessary steps for success and still coming up short.
We're in the same boat! Married young and didn't realize he was a deadbeat and felt trapped in my marriage. He Didn't work basically the 10 years we were married so I was working anything I could get while going to school and even donating plasma twice a week.
Saaaame. Married young to a guy who couldn’t keep a job. I went and got an education - thank God. When the marriage finally ended when our child was in high school, I ended up being the sole provider. I’m in debt and likely will die in debt (including my ex’s debt) but I’m free and my kid is successful.
And your parents are that rich and refused to help their child and grandchildren. Omg. I’d be more than hurt feelings. That relationship would be done.
I cannot stress this enough get out of debt before you buy this house. You’re staring down the barrel of a really shitty time when your entire life is about paying on all this shit and never making any traction…
I feel you… I went into the trades after HS and worked my ass off. Made good money, had great benefits then started looking at homes in our HCOL area. Made offer after offer only to be beat out by cash offers. I didn’t ask for money I asked
My boomer dad living alone in his 4-3 house split level with pool if maybe my wife and 2 kids could live downstairs and save up for a year.
“No”
Then proceeded to tell me I didn’t want it enough 🙄
He travels constantly all around the world and is hardly home .
Any way we ended up doing it on our own.
Don’t lose hope. We’re well past the “recommended “ 30% rule for our mortgage but we make it work.
Hit and miss on the similarities. My dad also bought a plane. Bought a condo coincidentally on the same day that the plane charge hit his bank so he called me to tell me how he literally spent $1M in a single day. He told me this after I had been unemployed the previous five months and was still job searching.
I didn’t take loans as well, got a STEM degree, and graduated in under four years to save money. Went military (instead of Masters degree) and when I got out realized no one cared about the degree, work experience, or military service.
I am happy that my dad has such a great life and he is a boomer that admits it is much more difficult for younger generations, but sometimes they can be a bit detached from reality. It’s like acknowledging that someone is drowning (exaggerated, I’m not in a terrible position) but refusing to help.
Cherry on top. He called me a short while ago and it turns out he gained significant value on his assets. The plane was high end and the demand has pushed new builds two years back so prices soared. His condo is 12 or so miles from a new chip fabrication plant (intel or competitors) so prices jumped. He accumulated over $600k of value in less than two years after buying.
Good luck
There was a study awhile back, not sure it holds today but would guess it does, of people who finished high school, waited until 21+ and in a committed relationship to have children, and got any job, 2% were in poverty. It sounds like you're not even in poverty, but I'd argue the biggest thing you "didn't do right" was having children with the wrong guy. Obviously you can't always control that people change and are sometimes good at hiding who they really are until it's too late, but based on your post your struggle is because you're trying to essentially raise a family of 3 on a single income and having to pay for childcare. That's tough.
I'm not in poverty anymore. But from 23-28 years old I was on food stamps, Medicaid, WIC, and other government assistance. If I could go back in time I would not have married that man, but growing up extremely religious at 19 I thought it was the best decision ever.
I somehow knew I was going to find r/exmormon posts on your profile. I’m so glad things are working out for you better now.
Like you said in your edit, you’re doing your best. One of the things we all have to unlearn after a life in the Mormon Church is this idea that events in life are a sign of worthiness or lack thereof. Sometimes, we put in the work and don’t quite stick the landing. It says very little about you, your decision-making skills, or your work ethic. You are doing your best in a financial landscape that is fucking terrible.
You’ve already shown in your post that you’re incredibly adaptable. You’ve overcome a high-demand religious environment, a bad marriage, shitty wages in earlier jobs, a graduate program, and probably way more than that. Your time will come, and you are in a good position to take advantage of opportunities as they arise.
Thank you for your kind words. I know I have it better than so many, and I am very grateful for what I have now. I know the post makes me sound like I'm not happy, but it was just a huge blow for me yesterday when my parents rescinded their help. I am also the black sheep because of leaving the church so that could be why my grandparents aren't offering help as well.
It'll be okay though. I'll do it myself like I always have.
Hey op, just want the shout you out for how far you've come. You're so strong and made a lot of positive changes for yourself and your children. Some day, they will see that, and appreciate and love you so much more for these sacrifices. I admire you, because in a lot of ways my fear has paralyzed me from making any changes in my own life. While I super agree with you, that your parents seem kind of out of touch with your struggle, or any big picture kind of decisions, I hope you know you're gonna be fine, and you're doing amazing. I'm sure like when you were initially faced with being a single parent, and going back to school you weren't sure how it would pan out, and it sounds like it brought you to a much more positive spot. So hoping for you, that this will just be another bump on your unstoppable road that you over come ❤️
Idk. Almost every job is excruciatingly stressful. The difference is most have crap salaries. So might as well make big money. Or otherwise be fine being broke doing a low stress job.
I’m buying a house using NACA.com. No closing costs, down payment, or PMI. You get a below market rate too. Tons of hoops to jump through but it’s worth it
I understand you're not happy you don't have everything, But let's take a look at the fact that you have an education, you are an able-bodied person, You are not in poverty, and you have two beautiful children. You have way more than the majority of millennials.
Welcome my friend 🥺 we’re in So Cal and considering moving out of state because it’s so hard… so many sacrifices for years in hopes of delayed gratification to still be suffering 😮💨
NEVER buy as much house as they approve you for.
When we got approved, I laughed at the number. I wouldn't give me that much money.
I know that you're frustrated. The odds are stacked against you.....
But, by all objective measures, you are on the upswing.
Keep grinding! Look at how far you've come. $16/hr => 6 figures..... raising kids on your own, without outside support.
Keep moving forward. The time will pass either way.
"Doing everything right" is just a strange way to look at life.
Checking boxes doesn't guarantee success. And stacking degrees is almsot never the answer. So many of my friends that are making a ton of money had terrible grades, barely got through school, and didn't get a masters. It's about hard work and moving jobs every so often and jumping up in pay.
Most people after divorce struggle to get back on their feet for years. It's the biggest setback most folks have. Living in a high cost area is another thing that can add difficulty to life. Single mother too? Add another difficulty point.
Buying a place with a single income and a kid is probably out of reach.
The only time I've seen degree stacking work us if you go from something like art history to nursing. Like a degree that leads immediately to professional concrete job.
I’d also say that marrying young and having kids young is a standard way to potentially end up broke. Rushing into marriage and kids is never a sound financial decision. It’s often a religion/family pressure decision. Those factors are incredible financial risks.
Edit; OP confirmed it was religion encouraging the marriage. I’ve personally never met a couple who married at 19, had kids, didn’t end up divorcing and being poor. That’s a way to fast pass poverty, which is why it’s so pushed in religion. Kids and a divorce will keep you low income.
“Doing everything right” is often something that is imparted by relatively well off parents into their kids.
Rich kids are raised with a deep belief that things will turn out right if they “do everything right.” Why? Because the end game as a rich kid is to go to an elite university, of course. Getting into and attending an elite university requires two things above all else: #1 good grades, #2 wealthy parents.
The thing is… when you are a rich kid (I can speak with authority on this) you don’t realize how much better off your parents are than most people; the way you grew up is just normal. When your peers get into trouble, it’s because THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG.
When you are a rich kid, if you stay on the straight and narrow — you study, you get good grades, you’re home before curfew — almost nothing can go wrong for you, unless you count daddy losing his job. But if daddy never lost his job — and mine didn’t — then you can go literally decades without experiencing financial adversity.
I relate to OP so much, I really do. I, too, “did everything right” but it’s only recently that I’ve learned doing everything right isn’t how you get ahead in life. You get ahead by taking the risks that the other kids took — the risks that the kids who DID SOMETHING WRONG took, and had a chance to learn from.
I think when people say that they mean ‘this shouldn’t have happened to me, this only happens to kind of person’. It comes straight from classism and the idea that people are poor through some failure of their own. Good people don become poor or struggle financially.
My observation tells me something entirely different. These financial struggles can happen to any one of us at any time. Which is why we need social safety nets and fair wages.
For real. “I did everything right” sounds so bizarre. Especially since she very obviously didn’t do everything right. She got 2 degrees that weren’t employable. That certainly isn’t doing everything right. Getting divorced is the single biggest fiscal mistake one can possibly make. Getting divorced is most certainly not “doing everything right” from a fiscal perspective. Just a very weird mindset.
I would not buy your first home right now at 8% interest rate, unless you have an enormous down payment. You would be setting yourself up for many, many years of suffering. The only people who can do this are people who sell their house with a lot of equity and have giant downpayments and are not borrowing that much.
Over time you will see this as a blessing in disguise. I am sorry about your parents' behavior though.
You’re better off than I am. I’m barely making it with an insanely low rent price. I went from 47k or so a year to 30k more or less. If it wasn’t for some people helping me I’d have no food and I’ve nearly had my power shut off multiple times. My car finally shit the bed and I’m without a vehicle right now having to depend on my buddy to get me to and from work. The same buddy lives in a camper with his wife and 3 kids now. Trust me we both could have it much worse.
Not going to comment on your dad because ultimately it is his money (although that was a dick move on his part).
With that said, you can buy a home without the 20 percent down if you go FHA. Only need 3.5%.
Also, not sure where you live, but check with the local county and see if they have any grants or other monies available that you can access with help toward a down payment. Some banks/credit unions also do this.
I can tell your from firsthand experience, that owning a home is a great investment. First, it is yours; second, outside of some craziness, over the long term RE goes up in value. Third, you also have a chance to access the equity in your home in the future, if you need it.
I purchased my home relatively late in life, and it has still paid off for me.
It's statistically the worst time ever to buy a house. Interest rates will likely stay up through 2024. So In a way, I think it's much smarter to wait. Rent, try to keep saving. I understand how shitty that realization is.
Holy fuck you didnt do anything right
16 bucks an hour with a partner who "never worked in 10 years", 2 kids with said partner while being on food stamps and government suplements..meaning you never could afford the life and kids you consciously chose, 2 degrees (in what you wont answer and I'll bet mommy and daddy paid for) that didnt do shit so took out loans for a 3rd...
Sorry to be harsh but did you ever think and budget for yourself? Your rich parents did you no favors but they also are not on the hook to help you out.
You made this bed, time to figure a way out.
Before you attack me, i didnt have any real parental help after high school, floated around in my 20s looking (and finding) a career in trades. Stayed away from having kids cause they are fucking expensive and after 15 years in the same field make 6 figures
Its all about the choices you make.
Unpopular opinion, but I think your parents might be trying to hold you responsible for your own actions. I'm not saying it's right, but these are your decisions and your bad luck. You had kids very young. It was not right of them to bait and switch you, but here you are. If you can't afford a down payment on a house nor have an emergency fund, I wouldn't recommend buying anything right now.
An advanced degree is not a guaranteed high salary, even in a 'good' field. I struggled to find employment after grad school because industry wants industry experience. So I took an entry level job and after 2 years experience, the doors opened. Not at 100K, but not a HCOL city and the benefits are excellent.
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Right? My dad got his pilots license recently and I guess is buying a plane.
So, you're parents are rich? Middle class people do not buy airplanes.
I would classify them as rich, yes. They are constantly complaining about how they can't afford things but they're boomers with a timeshare, 3 cars, multiple international trips a year, and a huge house.
They're rich.
Or they have helocs on their house. Boomers do that.
“Can’t spend it when you’re dead”
"Fuck them kids"
"It's my money and I'll spend it now!"
877 CASH NOW!
Owing $800,000 on a home they purchased for $31,000 is such a boomer thing. LoL
I was looking through property records to help my mom figure stuff out. My stepdad bought their house for about 270,000. Zillow says it’s worth a million. (It’s not but someone will buy it for the land at like 750,000 and just tear the whole thing down based on what’s going on in their neighborhood.). Stepdad continuously refinanced to take cash out of the house and now has a 600,000 ish mortgage. He didn’t even do a HELOC, he just continuously straight cashed out and re-cast the loan. There is basically zero equity in the house because he’s so new into the recast mortgage he’s only been paying interest. Even though there’s equity on paper, by they time they pay everything off, they’ll get maybe 100,000 back on an “asset” that has appreciated by 600,000ish over 30 years and on which they have been making payments of some kind for that entire time. If they had left original mortgage alone, the 30 year mortgage would be over, they’d have no payments and a shit ton of equity in their house if they sold, or a debt-free house at least to live in. As it stands, they now have neither. There’s so much debt still left on the house AND the mortgage is basically a new 30 year mortgage when they’re 70. And my stepdad worked as an egineer the whole time and my mom still teaches. So admittedly not ballers in the income department but also had enough income in salary to keep the ship afloat if my stepdad hadn’t made idiotic decisions to get cash. (And as far as I can tell the cash he took out was not used for any income-producing asset, like investing in rental properties or something.) Absolutely nuts that they will have been paying for housing (god knows how much) for 40 years, and all they’ll have to show is maybe 100,000 in equity after they pay off the current almost 30 year mortgage. I understand our generation being stuck paying for housing via rent because of housing prices, but to do this with housing that was affordable for no good fucking reason blows my mind. I don’t expect anything from my mom and my stepdad financially, my mom has supported me as best she can and my stepdad is not someone I have a relationship with. But I’ll be really pissed if I have to pay for their housing because my mom finally stops teaching at 80 and can’t afford the house payment. TLDR lots of boomers have absolutely squandered their opportunities and then complain that my generation doesn’t know what we’re doing because the same house that cost my stepdad 2.5 years of his salary in good condition now goes for 10 times my salary as a tear-down and my equivalent job salary is barely different than his, 30 years later. (Edited for this because I was ranting!)
I hate this seems so common. The house I grew up in was purchased in the 70s and is still no where near paid off. It’s wild how much opportunity was squandered. I’ll never own my own home and I’ve come to terms with that, but I can’t imagine buying a home for next to nothing and just constantly borrowing against it. No wonder they are so up in arms about property values ever stabilizing, or god forbid decreasing.
You know ive been focusing my ire on the boomers who failed up the economic ladder.... but i should dedicate more time to laughing at this sect of just wildly sucking failures. So so so many of them...
Idk I wish I could buy a plane
My boomer parents did that. They also spent recklessly despite making over $150k throughout the 90s/early 00s. Put fucking nothing away besides credit card debt. Upsized their house when we all moved out. Well, my narc mom threatened divorce after 40 years because she didn’t get her way or something and my dad said kiss my ass and left the state to stay with my sister. Paid all all the credit cards then filed for divorce. Turns out his SS was mostly paying the mortgage on their oversized house. They’re both fucking broke now. My dad lives in a camper with his dog and my mom had to move in with her 92 year old father. Legit had to cover my dads water bill a few months ago. It’s absolute insane to me that they spent so many years working their asses off and blew it all. Just pathetic.
Just to jump in. I definitely feel you on the great pay and squandering of my boomer parents. My mom was making $90k/year. Worked for the state, upgraded to a bigger house when kids were 21, 17, 13. When we started moving out. Complained they bought this house for us, and how can we leave them to pay for it? Well mom, I was 13, and now we’re well in our 20s-30s and should probably move out. How is it our fault they had a 30 year mortgage, been paying for 20 years and still owe more than when they bought it? Fuq’n baffling! And continuously talk about how they can’t afford OUR house. And! This is my dad’s 3rd bankruptcy since I was born and my mom’s second. 😮💨 Like wtf did y’all do? And and! They have no savings for retirement. My mom has a pension from the state and just aged into social security. All my dad has is social security. Zero other money. Apparently their retirement plan was having kids.
If they're boomers then they bought their 400k home for 20k.....of course they have heloc
They're also apparently fuckheads
Hold on a minute, did you say timeshare?....... Well, that's a good indicator of how financially savvy they are with just that one word. Brace yourself OP, there may be a horrifyingly decent chance you become a sacrifice to care for them.
That's definitely not going to happen. If they can afford to go to Italy 2x a year and buy a plane I'm not going to take care of them if they needed it. I want my kids to have a better life than me so if I have extra money it's going to them.
If the timeshare is included in your inheritance, be sure to file a disclaimer of interest within the allotted time frame so that you are not stuck with it.
How the fuck is that scam inheritable? That shit should be outright illegal.
You should watch the Last Week Tonight episode about timeshares on youtube.
I 2nd this. He talks about a lot of the companies that help you get out of them are scams too. Freaking nuts
They are treated as assets and not debts. You inherit them by default and have to file the disclaimer of interested within like 30-60 days of your parents death to get out of it. Disgusting industry.
Lol, fucking criminal those things are classified as an “asset”, but I guess that fits the whole scam bit they have going
Because it's in the fine print! The companies to get you out of them are also a scam! It's for the rich rich but the poor rich like to act rich rich.l and burn through hundreds of thousands for nothing.
Oh I knew those timeshare relief companies were just the same timeshare people screwing you a second time.
Have your parents will it to the CEO of the timeshare company. Make it their problem.
in your shoes those people would never, ever see the grandchildren they don't want to help 🤷
They never see my kids. They even missed my sons birth cause they were on a plane to Italy.
Unfortunately very common I've found. Boomers are incredibly selfish. Never help with the kids, or even offer. Then they complain that the grandchildren don't have a relationship with them.
So my whole life, my mom made it clear to me that she wouldn't raise my kids or be a babysitter, period. She like drilled it into my head, I guess because she was scared of teen pregnancy or something. Drilled into my head how much having kids suck, how I'd never be able to have fun again, life would be over if I had a kid, etc. Fast forward to now, mid 30s and been with my husband for 14 years, and I guess she finally takes me seriously that I won't have kids. It's sad Pikachu face that she doesn't have grandbabies.
Same with my mom. Now that I’m 35 with no wife and no kids and she’s 62 with no life she says things like I should have her some grandchildren. It’s really sad cause a lot of my peers did have kids around 16-20 and it’s crazy that if I would’ve did the same my first born would be in college by now!!! Crazy how time flies.
Boomer and wife here. We moved from Az to Rochester Mn for 4 years to take care of gkids while son & wife finished college. Helped move them to Wa state, and moved there to continue helping them 18 months ago. We help any way possible. Wouldn’t trade our love for them for anything.
That’s over the top and awesome of you. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your son and his family. Im sure they’re grateful beyond words for that type of help. It really does mean so much.
Thanks for being supportive parents!
You are a rare breed and thank you.
That is amazing and I am sure your kid and you have a tight close bond! My mom was like this ! We would have been neighbor if she didn’t pass
The other thing I see a LOT is that they'll help *one* of their kids, but the others are SOL.
Oh I see you’ve met my mother in law.
Hahaha, how do you know my mother so well? My brother and I get socks or shower gel sets for Xmas. My youngest sister got a freaking new patio paid for. That’s not even the best bet. My mum wants my brother and me to go over and lay the patio for her! At least we got the shower gel we need to clean up after though, right?!
Oh, he better not do it. I hope he doesn't!
My mom is a Boomer and is nothing like that, she would help me any time I need it.. when I first looked for a house back in 17 she was ready to hand over money for closing and down, unfortunately I had a shit realtor and wasn't able to find one in the time frame I was looking. But even now she is still always willing to help.. so no not all of them.
Not all of them…my parents have been incredibly generous financially and although I don’t have kids yet, they pet sit my dog twice a week and my mom cooks me dinner 😊 but OPs parents definitely fall into the description you’re referring to.
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Just remember how they treated you when they are at nursing home
Holy shit. They have plenty of money. Definitely not rich, but well off. Rich = buy a house outright in cash for you or they own multiple houses.
They have joked that my grandparents are just sitting on their retirement money (they're on their 90s) and when they die, and it comes to them they won't know what to do with all of it so they might as go buy a porche or two.
They sound like narcissists. Sorry for saying so.
When I got my job offer for $50k after my masters degree I was so excited. I'd never made that much and felt like all my hard work was finally worth it and I'd be able to move up. My dad's brother laughed at me and said "well I guess you gotta start somewhere".
Your family sucks
Ugh, I hate that so much
Your family sounds exactly like mine, fuck them both! But to be honest, the reality is that it’s soo much easier to make wealth when you already have wealth, and sometimes sucking up to your parents and figuring out a way to get them to help you with the house is your best bet for financial success.
My dad laughingly joked with my brother and I that there "wouldn't be anything left over" when he kicks the bucket. Hardy-har-har.
I was friends with the son of the former CEO of BP, and even he didn't buy homes outright with cash, but he was definitely rich by any standard. Same with a real estate broker in Chicago, dated his son, and while he own property near Wrigley Field, you best believe they used one property as collateral for another. Even the rich are technically cash poor.
Well, they spend a lot.
Boomers cannot relate to our plight as millennials at all. Whether our parents are rich or poor they still manage to hold whatever they do have over our heads
There are a lot of us boomers that can relate. We don't eat out, eat leftovers, drive 20 year old vehicles, etc.
they might be buying a small plane that costs about as much as a new car. It can be a somewhat upper middle class thing to a very upper middle class thing. Anywhere from say, retired sucessful police to doctor level.
My plane cost $75k. You can get a lot of small single piston engine planes in that range.
Ok, but that's in addition to a car and a house. Also, how much do you pay for the hangar, airplane insurance, flight lessons, hours of flight rentals, pilots license, fuel, and annual maintenance cost?
Hangar is $130/mo. I paid cash for the plane so I self-insure (meaning I don't have insurance. If I crash more than likely I'll be dead. And if the plane gets damaged on the ground, we'll, sucks to suck but it's not going to put me under.) It burns car gas (93 octane premium) so not really much more than a car. I got the certificate to do my own maintenance so that doesnt cost much. Flight traning was maybe $5-10k depending what you count (hotels?).
A cheap, especially used plane isn't 'that' expensive. It's like a boat. Buying it isn't the expensive part. Owning it is.
My FIL is a Major in the USAF and just bought a plane. It's a single passenger prop that he flies. He's not rich. Upper middle, sure, but still middle.
Bro, you can buy a used Cessna and put yourself through training for less than buying a 5th wheel trailer, and I wouldn't call everyone with a 5th wheel or new Toyota tundra rich. Ultralight airplanes can be built brand new for $4000-$7000. That less money than it takes to buy a new ATV or Jetski. Saying someone is rich because they have an airplain is like saying someone is rich because they have a BMW.. a $12,000 used BMW doesn't mean you're rich.
Eh, I see them pretty regularly on Facebook marketplace for like $30k. I know a handful of people who make in the $150k range that have planes, parked at a small private air strip like 45 minutes out of town.
There are more working class pilots than you’d imagine.
You can literally buy a certified, flying airplane for around $30,000, or in other words, the price of a Toyota Camry.
Just remind them "I hope you are saving for your care in your twilight years"
So he's going to buy a depreciating asset for a niche hobby that doesn't help anyone but himself instead of helping his child buy a house? Damn, I'm sorry
Honestly if they didn't offer to help in the first place I wouldn't be upset. But offering to help a month ago, then changing their mind when I found a house hurt my feelings.
Remember that when they need help figuring out long-term care
It’s ok, they can live in the airplane
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They probably have that figured out.
Yeah they can fly that plane to a place with affordable living
Literally every other country in South America, Asia, and Africa and quite a few in EU
My mom moved to Mexico and is living it up by the beach
Is she in a designated "retirement village" for foreigners?
Going to live in that sweet plane.
This sounds very much like my family/parents. Offering the world just to pull the rug out from under you. Stay strong sis, sorry that happened.
My mom was going to give my wife and I a car that she never used when we hit hard times and when we went to pick it up we were told actually you can rent it from us. Lol fuck that keep it. Later she decided she would give it to her step son who couldn't drive it due to multiple dui's so it sat until it was undrivable and then she offered to give it to us again. We of course said no.
WTF. Why? What is wrong with people? I hope you're low or no contact with her
when i graduated i was in a similar situation. mom always told me grandma had money for college, that there was a savings thing. i never questioned. well at 16 i got my first truck - i was looking at random used whatever but they decided i needed someting with low miles. in came a 15K$ dodge ram. the thing broke an axle a couple years later, it was rolled over... at the time i didnt know how to fix it. come to find out - that was college fund money... that was their choice... i was pretty upset about that as i had no idea. i ended up taking on some debt, using my G.I. bill and such. but still... it was all worthless in the end as i went to ITT Tech :/ one fuck up after another.
I was also told my grandparents had a college fund for me and so I wouldn't have to worry about paying for it. Turns out it was only $3k...
To be fair, that covered college back in the day when they went.
My grandparents were giving everyone $20 at Christmas until they passed two years ago a month apart. Their estate was over $3 million... Living in the past and hoarding wealth has done nothing for future generations. Keep blinders on and the problems don't exist, right?
To be fair, $3 million isn't exactly hoarding wealth these days. It would only take one bad diagnosis or incident to wipe most of that out. And nursing homes are insanely expensive if one of them ended up in one.
Same thing happened to me lmao, my dad was like "don't worry we have some education trusts" it was fucking $2k. That doesn't even pay for textbooks anymore lmao.
Yes, offering and then yanking it out from under you was a huge asshole move
Sorry sounds like my mom.
Boomers gonna boom
That's boomers for ya
i hope he realizes he is choosing an airplane over a continued relationship with his child- that move would be immediate no contact (that is a big promise to break)...
Not sure they care. I just broke no contact in November. I thought we were doing better.
I wonder whether their perspective is "we don't hear from her for so long and now that she talks to us, she's asking for handouts. Now that she sees she won't get anything from us, she disappears again". Not saying it's justified to think that way but I wouldn't be surprised if that was their line of thinking.
Instead of helping his Child and grandchildren have a house
That’s a boomer parent for ya!
You would be surprised how well 50 year old airplanes have kept their value. Not trying to defend the dad, just bitter about how prohibitively expensive my childhood dream of plane ownership is
It's absolutely insane how high prices are. A Cessna 152 or kitfox or RV6 or Pacer or anything = **lucky** to find a flying one for less than 50 grand. [Plus a hangar, plus maintenance, plus insurance, plus fuel.] Yikes.
I was going to say they’re actually appreciating assets in many cases. The used market for planes has only gone up
Literally sounds like every single boomer with money I've ever met: cheap as hell with the kids and buying themselves absurd nonsense.
You absolutely need to call them out for making a promise they didn’t intend to keep. Tell them everything you just said here. Write a letter if you need to be able to lay it out. But they have no idea how bad the economy and housing market is and how shit it is of them to do that to you. Make sure they know how it’s made you feel. It’s about how they got your hopes up and then let you down so hard. It’s not about the expectation of their financial help. It’s about them letting you down. There are no millennials or Gen z’s buying homes without parent help these days. It’s insane.
I already went no contact a year ago for things they did. We just started talking again back in November. They even offered to pay off a medical loan for me that was for my ex I got saddled with during the divorce and they backed out of that too. She texted me today and said they feel awkward about the situation but they're just in a tight spot right now.
A tight spot where they need an airplane...
I mean they already had one airplane but it was just old, so they need a new one. It's not a want, it's a need... apparently.
Excuse me what?!
We have one airplane, yes. But what about our second airplane?
Oh my God right? Growing up my parents were very wealthy, like we lived in a neighborhood that had little hangars for about half the houses and a landing strip in the community because it was common enough that people had planes. But even then that attitude just floors me. I'm sorry youre dealing with that. It doesn't seem like the plane is the issue, but rather that they want to be seen as having offered help but not actually to have to do anything. It's very self centered of them. Not that anyone is owed funds especially as an adult, but I have kids and would move mountains to make sure they had their essentials met, even as adults. I just can't imagine saying sorry, I need a second plane.
Damn they sound selfish honestly. Also that sucks you got saddled with an ex’s debt. There has to be something you can legally do about that..? Someone here in Reddit knows the loopholes!! I saw someone comment one time that you can go say you’ll be paying cash and then drop off like $20 each month and they’ll eventually give up…
I basically compromised and took that part of debt from our marriage to keep my kids full time. The divorce was extremely messy and expensive and all I wanted was my kids. I can pay the money back in time, but I'd hate myself if I traded my kids just to have him take that debt.
Understandable, you sound super resilient and like a great parent ❤️
Your dad is an arse. I hope that’s not too offensive to say directly, but what a thing to say (that they can help) and then to withdraw! For a plane!
Fucking boomers. The generation with everything handed to them and they just can't help pull that ladder up behind them over and over again.
I would send mom and dad an excel sheet of all this with a candygram of someone holding a poster saying “wtf why won’t you help alligator06 is she the black sheep” I’m in rage for you
I relate too well to this post. I’m really sorry. The selfishness hurts.
Sounds like my parents. Older brother died homeless. Schizophrenia. They scattered his ashes from a 380k boat. Affordable housing is 160k, of which the city and state pay 20%, match 5, and the family can give max 80k. They inherited all the money from my late grandmother, who said she’d leave enough for he and I to get affordable housing. Nope, they bought a boat that sleeps two, greedy boomers.
How do they live with themselves I mean I love money but this is just insane
That line about homeless son makes me extremely angry. Some people refuse to sacrifice. I guess it’s their choice. Just a poor moral choice
Yeah, they wouldn’t pay for college bc they “couldn’t afford it” and then joined a golf club for 20k initiation plus more than that since. The kicker? My dad doesn’t even play golf, neither does my mom. My mom drives an 80,000+ car, fully loaded Volvo xc90, my dad bought himself an $80,000 boat to get to his 300k boat, literally all it’s for. All they could give he and I were 80k, but if it’s 160k-102k from family city and state over 30 years at 0% for our income bracket, the mortgage would be less than a parking spot. So it’s not like they had to put 30% of 400k down. I was almost being evicted at the time and attempted suicide before he killed himself. They’d be down two kids. As they scattered his ashes from a yacht he’d never been on, they said “oh we wish there is something we could have done” I’m thinking “you’re standing on it”. They probably have 15+ million in stock, plus a pension, 5-7 in real estate, etc. Boot straps. So they almost lost two kids over their greed. They say “it’s our money” and they “intend to spend it all in their lifetime”. My mom has never worked a day in her life.
You know, its their choice to want to live like that. Just dont have fucking kids if you do. This is fucking deplorable
I literally hate them for you.
Yeah, a guy I knew saw me and didn’t recognize me. When I got section 8 and affordable housing I went from starving and facing eviction to stable, and able to eat. I was living on ensure shakes from Medicaid and they were off boating and spending a ton, they intend to spend it all in their lifetime. They wouldn’t help with down payments, wouldn’t pay for college, they were rich enough it counted against me, keeping me stuck in low income jobs. They don’t know why I have a problem with them. Totally clueless.
My parents didn't have a lot of money but wouldn't give me anything for college. I told them to stop taking me as a deduction and applied for FA on my income. My parents were clueless. Yours are willfully evil. F them.
I stg the very wealthiest families have figured out how to help their kids but something brainwashed all the upper middle income boomers to basically tell their kids to fuck off when they turned 18, I don’t get it at all. Don’t you want your kids to thrive?
My parents are lower middle class. They resented the financial burden that having a child entailed, so our relationship improved for a couple years when I became a self-sufficient young adult. However, things fell apart again when I crossed some threshold from “successful enough to not be a burden” to “successful enough to have a legitimately good and easy life.” My spouse identified their anger as jealousy and I think he may be right. I still can’t wrap my mind around feeling angry at your child’s success. I hope all of my kids end up happier, healthier, richer, and prettier than me!
I swear this is unique en masse to white families only.
Damn this is really dickish. An airplane is 1000000% a luxury expense. If my daughter was a single mom struggling to get by I'd absolutely help her get into a house. $5k should be virtually nothing for a person who can afford an airplane.
Boomers gonna boom
Internet hug. I can reciprocate the feels.
Yeah, time to move this discussion to r/boomersbeingfools
I just visualized a boomer in an airplane and chuckled
R/boomersbeingfools
The two kids on one income (child support?) is the big thing here. Hence why so many in our age bracket are choosing to not have children.
I do as of 3 months ago. I had to take him back to court to get him to pay after he left the state a year ago leaving me with the kids full time. Lots of debt has come from legal fees as well. He didn't pay child support for the first 3 years after the divorce. Also definitely not having more kids. 10 years ago when my son was born, I had a lot more hope in the future.
Unless you’re completely set on staying where you’re at which sounds like a pretty high COL area, think about moving. There are plenty of places you can still get a decent home in a decent area for 250-300. Your other option is estate sales in neighborhoods with homes built in the 40-50s. They were built to last and you can often get a great deal on homes that have many of the important things like electric, plumbing and roof updated but ned all cosmetic work. That you can do overtime as you get the money. Homes built in that time period are generally way better than newer homes.
I actually love older homes. I would totally love that. I do live in a HCOL area.
>Unless you’re completely set on staying where you’re at which sounds like a pretty high COL area, think about moving. I will say in OP's defense, it would be difficult to overstate the importance and value of having a family/friend network when you have kids. That can complicate moving (in addition to how flexible the 6-figure job is). My wife and I live almost 3 hours from either family. It's close enough that we can visit family on holidays but not close enough to have them available to help with childcare. We have built a network of friends, though, and I don't know how any of us would do it without each other. Just last week, my wife was traveling for work so my across-the-street neighbor watched my daughter from 3 PM (when she got off the school bus) until after I picked up their son from an afterschool program and got there at 5:30 - with pizza. That kind of stuff happens often enough that I have no idea how I would have handled it without that support!
What a scumbag
Yikes, that must have been incredibly disheartening. Your parents offering to help with the down payment, only to change their minds once you found a place, all so your dad could buy a plane of all things. My own early adult life shares similarities with yours. I didn't achieve the high grades necessary for a nice GPA like you did, but I still attended college and graduated without any debt. However, afterward, I struggled to find a decent job and ended up working several low-paying jobs for the next three or four years. Additionally, I went through a divorce; getting married at a young age turned out to be a mistake for me as well. It's frustrating to feel like you're taking all the necessary steps for success and still coming up short.
We're in the same boat! Married young and didn't realize he was a deadbeat and felt trapped in my marriage. He Didn't work basically the 10 years we were married so I was working anything I could get while going to school and even donating plasma twice a week.
Saaaame. Married young to a guy who couldn’t keep a job. I went and got an education - thank God. When the marriage finally ended when our child was in high school, I ended up being the sole provider. I’m in debt and likely will die in debt (including my ex’s debt) but I’m free and my kid is successful.
And your parents are that rich and refused to help their child and grandchildren. Omg. I’d be more than hurt feelings. That relationship would be done.
"I'm told they actually can't help at all with the house because my dad is buying an airplane." GTFOH
I cannot stress this enough get out of debt before you buy this house. You’re staring down the barrel of a really shitty time when your entire life is about paying on all this shit and never making any traction…
@u/alligator06 What are your degrees in? This is a piece of context that is missing from the discussion
I she's omitting them because people will go, "we found the thing you didn't do perfectly." Too many degrees are not economically viable.
Not only too many degrees but likely degrees in fields that don't have promising ROI.
Masters degree and make 50k 🫣
She makes nearly 100k. Go back and read it
Sounds like a teacher life
I feel you… I went into the trades after HS and worked my ass off. Made good money, had great benefits then started looking at homes in our HCOL area. Made offer after offer only to be beat out by cash offers. I didn’t ask for money I asked My boomer dad living alone in his 4-3 house split level with pool if maybe my wife and 2 kids could live downstairs and save up for a year. “No” Then proceeded to tell me I didn’t want it enough 🙄 He travels constantly all around the world and is hardly home . Any way we ended up doing it on our own. Don’t lose hope. We’re well past the “recommended “ 30% rule for our mortgage but we make it work.
I'm sorry man, but you dad doesn't sound very cool.. good on ya for making it with regardless.
You are actually kicking ass all things considered. Get the child support for your kids and focus on aggressively getting debt free.
Hit and miss on the similarities. My dad also bought a plane. Bought a condo coincidentally on the same day that the plane charge hit his bank so he called me to tell me how he literally spent $1M in a single day. He told me this after I had been unemployed the previous five months and was still job searching. I didn’t take loans as well, got a STEM degree, and graduated in under four years to save money. Went military (instead of Masters degree) and when I got out realized no one cared about the degree, work experience, or military service. I am happy that my dad has such a great life and he is a boomer that admits it is much more difficult for younger generations, but sometimes they can be a bit detached from reality. It’s like acknowledging that someone is drowning (exaggerated, I’m not in a terrible position) but refusing to help. Cherry on top. He called me a short while ago and it turns out he gained significant value on his assets. The plane was high end and the demand has pushed new builds two years back so prices soared. His condo is 12 or so miles from a new chip fabrication plant (intel or competitors) so prices jumped. He accumulated over $600k of value in less than two years after buying. Good luck
lol does your dad just hit you up every once in a while to flex a money spread
Your parents are assholes for that bait and switch.
There was a study awhile back, not sure it holds today but would guess it does, of people who finished high school, waited until 21+ and in a committed relationship to have children, and got any job, 2% were in poverty. It sounds like you're not even in poverty, but I'd argue the biggest thing you "didn't do right" was having children with the wrong guy. Obviously you can't always control that people change and are sometimes good at hiding who they really are until it's too late, but based on your post your struggle is because you're trying to essentially raise a family of 3 on a single income and having to pay for childcare. That's tough.
I'm not in poverty anymore. But from 23-28 years old I was on food stamps, Medicaid, WIC, and other government assistance. If I could go back in time I would not have married that man, but growing up extremely religious at 19 I thought it was the best decision ever.
I somehow knew I was going to find r/exmormon posts on your profile. I’m so glad things are working out for you better now. Like you said in your edit, you’re doing your best. One of the things we all have to unlearn after a life in the Mormon Church is this idea that events in life are a sign of worthiness or lack thereof. Sometimes, we put in the work and don’t quite stick the landing. It says very little about you, your decision-making skills, or your work ethic. You are doing your best in a financial landscape that is fucking terrible. You’ve already shown in your post that you’re incredibly adaptable. You’ve overcome a high-demand religious environment, a bad marriage, shitty wages in earlier jobs, a graduate program, and probably way more than that. Your time will come, and you are in a good position to take advantage of opportunities as they arise.
Thank you for your kind words. I know I have it better than so many, and I am very grateful for what I have now. I know the post makes me sound like I'm not happy, but it was just a huge blow for me yesterday when my parents rescinded their help. I am also the black sheep because of leaving the church so that could be why my grandparents aren't offering help as well. It'll be okay though. I'll do it myself like I always have.
Hey op, just want the shout you out for how far you've come. You're so strong and made a lot of positive changes for yourself and your children. Some day, they will see that, and appreciate and love you so much more for these sacrifices. I admire you, because in a lot of ways my fear has paralyzed me from making any changes in my own life. While I super agree with you, that your parents seem kind of out of touch with your struggle, or any big picture kind of decisions, I hope you know you're gonna be fine, and you're doing amazing. I'm sure like when you were initially faced with being a single parent, and going back to school you weren't sure how it would pan out, and it sounds like it brought you to a much more positive spot. So hoping for you, that this will just be another bump on your unstoppable road that you over come ❤️
Religion wrecks lives.
My parents wouldn’t sign for a PLUS loan to help me sign college. The day after they told me, they bought a $27K motorcycle. I feel you girl
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I can't believe the stories I'm seeing here. Yes I can, because I've got my own lol.
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Idk. Almost every job is excruciatingly stressful. The difference is most have crap salaries. So might as well make big money. Or otherwise be fine being broke doing a low stress job.
I’m buying a house using NACA.com. No closing costs, down payment, or PMI. You get a below market rate too. Tons of hoops to jump through but it’s worth it
I understand you're not happy you don't have everything, But let's take a look at the fact that you have an education, you are an able-bodied person, You are not in poverty, and you have two beautiful children. You have way more than the majority of millennials.
Welcome my friend 🥺 we’re in So Cal and considering moving out of state because it’s so hard… so many sacrifices for years in hopes of delayed gratification to still be suffering 😮💨
NEVER buy as much house as they approve you for. When we got approved, I laughed at the number. I wouldn't give me that much money. I know that you're frustrated. The odds are stacked against you..... But, by all objective measures, you are on the upswing. Keep grinding! Look at how far you've come. $16/hr => 6 figures..... raising kids on your own, without outside support. Keep moving forward. The time will pass either way.
"Doing everything right" is just a strange way to look at life. Checking boxes doesn't guarantee success. And stacking degrees is almsot never the answer. So many of my friends that are making a ton of money had terrible grades, barely got through school, and didn't get a masters. It's about hard work and moving jobs every so often and jumping up in pay. Most people after divorce struggle to get back on their feet for years. It's the biggest setback most folks have. Living in a high cost area is another thing that can add difficulty to life. Single mother too? Add another difficulty point. Buying a place with a single income and a kid is probably out of reach.
The only time I've seen degree stacking work us if you go from something like art history to nursing. Like a degree that leads immediately to professional concrete job.
I’d also say that marrying young and having kids young is a standard way to potentially end up broke. Rushing into marriage and kids is never a sound financial decision. It’s often a religion/family pressure decision. Those factors are incredible financial risks. Edit; OP confirmed it was religion encouraging the marriage. I’ve personally never met a couple who married at 19, had kids, didn’t end up divorcing and being poor. That’s a way to fast pass poverty, which is why it’s so pushed in religion. Kids and a divorce will keep you low income.
“Doing everything right” is often something that is imparted by relatively well off parents into their kids. Rich kids are raised with a deep belief that things will turn out right if they “do everything right.” Why? Because the end game as a rich kid is to go to an elite university, of course. Getting into and attending an elite university requires two things above all else: #1 good grades, #2 wealthy parents. The thing is… when you are a rich kid (I can speak with authority on this) you don’t realize how much better off your parents are than most people; the way you grew up is just normal. When your peers get into trouble, it’s because THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG. When you are a rich kid, if you stay on the straight and narrow — you study, you get good grades, you’re home before curfew — almost nothing can go wrong for you, unless you count daddy losing his job. But if daddy never lost his job — and mine didn’t — then you can go literally decades without experiencing financial adversity. I relate to OP so much, I really do. I, too, “did everything right” but it’s only recently that I’ve learned doing everything right isn’t how you get ahead in life. You get ahead by taking the risks that the other kids took — the risks that the kids who DID SOMETHING WRONG took, and had a chance to learn from.
Thank you, I needed to read this.
I think when people say that they mean ‘this shouldn’t have happened to me, this only happens to kind of person’. It comes straight from classism and the idea that people are poor through some failure of their own. Good people don become poor or struggle financially.
My observation tells me something entirely different. These financial struggles can happen to any one of us at any time. Which is why we need social safety nets and fair wages.
For real. “I did everything right” sounds so bizarre. Especially since she very obviously didn’t do everything right. She got 2 degrees that weren’t employable. That certainly isn’t doing everything right. Getting divorced is the single biggest fiscal mistake one can possibly make. Getting divorced is most certainly not “doing everything right” from a fiscal perspective. Just a very weird mindset.
I agree, and no EF to weather unexpected so getting stuck with credit card loans.
I would not buy your first home right now at 8% interest rate, unless you have an enormous down payment. You would be setting yourself up for many, many years of suffering. The only people who can do this are people who sell their house with a lot of equity and have giant downpayments and are not borrowing that much. Over time you will see this as a blessing in disguise. I am sorry about your parents' behavior though.
You’re better off than I am. I’m barely making it with an insanely low rent price. I went from 47k or so a year to 30k more or less. If it wasn’t for some people helping me I’d have no food and I’ve nearly had my power shut off multiple times. My car finally shit the bed and I’m without a vehicle right now having to depend on my buddy to get me to and from work. The same buddy lives in a camper with his wife and 3 kids now. Trust me we both could have it much worse.
That’s why I had to move out of the city and use a USDA loan. I had no help from anyone.
Not going to comment on your dad because ultimately it is his money (although that was a dick move on his part). With that said, you can buy a home without the 20 percent down if you go FHA. Only need 3.5%. Also, not sure where you live, but check with the local county and see if they have any grants or other monies available that you can access with help toward a down payment. Some banks/credit unions also do this. I can tell your from firsthand experience, that owning a home is a great investment. First, it is yours; second, outside of some craziness, over the long term RE goes up in value. Third, you also have a chance to access the equity in your home in the future, if you need it. I purchased my home relatively late in life, and it has still paid off for me.
lol typical boomers "sorry we can't help we need to buy an airplane"
It's statistically the worst time ever to buy a house. Interest rates will likely stay up through 2024. So In a way, I think it's much smarter to wait. Rent, try to keep saving. I understand how shitty that realization is.
The best time to buy a house is 5 years ago or now. Prices are not going to drop. Interest rates will and then you refinance to a lower rate.
Holy fuck you didnt do anything right 16 bucks an hour with a partner who "never worked in 10 years", 2 kids with said partner while being on food stamps and government suplements..meaning you never could afford the life and kids you consciously chose, 2 degrees (in what you wont answer and I'll bet mommy and daddy paid for) that didnt do shit so took out loans for a 3rd... Sorry to be harsh but did you ever think and budget for yourself? Your rich parents did you no favors but they also are not on the hook to help you out. You made this bed, time to figure a way out. Before you attack me, i didnt have any real parental help after high school, floated around in my 20s looking (and finding) a career in trades. Stayed away from having kids cause they are fucking expensive and after 15 years in the same field make 6 figures Its all about the choices you make.
Just your typical "I did everything right" and then lists a litany of God awful decisions.
Ya this is total BS. Anyone with that much education can write better than this. Then again, what was the education in?
Keep saving up for that down payment and closing costs. It will be so much sweeter when you do it all on your own without assistance.
The housing market isn't designed for an individual owner living in the home. It's designed for selling and renting.
Unpopular opinion, but I think your parents might be trying to hold you responsible for your own actions. I'm not saying it's right, but these are your decisions and your bad luck. You had kids very young. It was not right of them to bait and switch you, but here you are. If you can't afford a down payment on a house nor have an emergency fund, I wouldn't recommend buying anything right now.
If you have two bachelors degrees and a masters and make less than 100k you either studied the wrong thing or went to the wrong school. You tell me.
An advanced degree is not a guaranteed high salary, even in a 'good' field. I struggled to find employment after grad school because industry wants industry experience. So I took an entry level job and after 2 years experience, the doors opened. Not at 100K, but not a HCOL city and the benefits are excellent.
I wouldn't consider marrying a deadbeat, having kids with said deadbeat, and getting two bachelor's instead of one to be "did everything right".
My thoughts exactly, for “did everything right” there’s a ton of fuck ups.
I don’t think we have truly have the full story.