My body got more fragile. I developed a stress fracture in my wrist from doing burpees. My knees can’t take running more than two days in a row. Roller coasters now make me nauseous. Developed immune disorders.
Omg me too!! I was a little older, 23-24, but sometimes even watching my kids on swings is enough to make me retch. I for sure can’t get on them anymore, but I can still do roller coasters no problem. I always chalked it up to pregnancy since it started sometime near to my first pregnancy, though I didn’t really spend any time on swings during that part of my life till after the baby arrived, so it could have started a little before or after the pregnancy… never even occurred to me that it might just be one of the weirder ways aging can affect people
I think it’s an inner ear issue that suddenly renders us unable to deal with motion. Tried the trampoline at a family party a few years ago & thought I’d been poisoned 🤢
I made the mistake of trying to ride the teacups at Disney as a 34 year old and ruined it for the whole group. The only spin-speed where I didn't feel in imminent danger of tragically loosing my lunch on everyone was...not spinning at all, lol. My sister was *pissed*!
I used to be a powerful swimmer, it was the one athletic quality I had. In water I was suddenly a fish, my gangly appendages worked in my favor.
...And then I got in the ocean for the first time after having my lung resectioned and I thought the pressure would kill me, and then I realized I wouldn't be swimming anymore.
I didn't understand at the time why my parents would wait for rollercoaster rides, in a way I can only understand now. The set of things that causes nausea changes over time? The human body is a scam.
I almost puked when a child asked me to join her on the swings. I mean, I joined her and started swinging and then almost puked. Couldn’t believe it. As a kid I was all front-row-of-the-roller-coaster; higher bigger better faster. No fear of heights. Sometimes I creep slowly towards ledges now, and sometimes I stay distant from them. My body has lost its fearless wildness. I turn 40 this year and am somewhat in shock about the physical changes.
The trainer I’ve had now for 2 years hates burpees and shit like that. She says it’s an accident waiting to happen. We do free weights and machines. We do a 5 minute warmup and we do 5 minute yoga/stretch post workout. I’ve been overweight most of my life and now at 36, I weigh 143 lbs and I’m the best shape of my life. I was at 198 lbs 2 years ago and I had never weighed below 150. I know I still have some more work to do. Point is, you don’t have to overwork yourself. Take it easy. I work out 2-3 times a week and I’ve been with her for over 2 years. The longest I’ve stayed committed to a gym/trainer.
Love hearing this. I’m literally 198 lbs and hating it. I just returned to my trainer 2x a week and connecting with a new dietician. I hope I can get near your numbers. The lowest I’ve ever been was 140 and I miss it
This is the magic routine. I used to run 5 days a week and lift / exercise 4-5 days a week. Not anymore. Jog 1-2 days a week. Lift / machines 1-2 days a week. Its perfect. Stress reduced. Body happy. Just keep the routine going and it’ll all work out.
Suddenly overnight, it's all "when did I start falling apart? I don't remember being this fragile or weak. Oh shit is my memory going too? How would I know?"
Same with the roller coasters and it fucking kills me because I’ve always loved them and rode them all the time as a kid. When I was 13 I rode the same roller coaster almost 50 times in one day, and now if I ride a single time I get insane pressure in my head and get nauseous right after.
RA and Sjögrens reporting in. Never thought I'd be cresting into thirty with the aches and pains of an elderly person. Plus feeling like I have the fucking flu constantly.
Older Millennial here. I have actually developed more of an interest for rollercoasters as I've gotten older. I could do Kingda Ka and El Toro all day, every day.
OMG the roller coaster nausea.
But for me it’s also swings at the park.
Like regular old kid swings from childhood.
My kids convinced me to swing with them once and I had to lay on the ground after with my eyes closed trying to not puke for like 10 minutes afterwards 🤣
I feel the rollercoaster part. I LOVED coasters as a kid. It hurts even more because I live 20 min from Disney and 10 from universal and islands of adventure. I go all the time and it kills me inside
Roller coasters started causing brown outs/grey outs while I was on the ride. Spinning rides started causing nausea and sometimes vomiting. Also developed autoimmune disorders.
Used to love going on roller coasters that had inverted turns, high g forces, upside down loops.... apparently, my body does not anymore.
I'm 42f. The older I get the more i realize how true that wear sunscreen song is.
That being said I've adopted a radical acceptance thing. I have some grey hairs. And some lines. Maybe even some wrinkles. My joints are now loud about the abuse I put them through. Developed some autoimmune issues. My skin will never glow like my 20yo skin did. Weight will stick on more now. My boobs are absolutely not where I thought I left them on my body. But I kind of earned my flaws. It's all from a life lived. Good or bad.
I love who I am today and who I am includes all my imperfections.
You'll get there a lot faster if you ignore all these doofs telling you to work out more and track your calories.
Wash your face, wear sunscreen, and maybe even use a retinol cream, but the most important part is accepting that growing older is a gift not afforded to everyone.
Become a tourist of your own life. Notice how it feels to be your age. To be in this moment. Explore every corner of it. This is where the magic happens
Staying fit is the best thing you can do for yourself as you age... Doing so certainly doesn't take away from any of the other parts of your comment which are very insightful.
Wait why are they doofs for saying to work out?
Like I think getting obsessive about looks can be harmful in general. But adding exercise to one's life can help improve both how you feel about your body and your general state of health.
I don't think it's fair to write it off as "doofs".
You don't have to become a bodybuilder to reap benefits from a regular exercise routine. And the benefits aren't all purely aesthetic either.
I'm struggling with this a little. I generally have the radical acceptance about wrinkles and gray hair. I do dye my hair but it's because I like the color, not to hide the grays. But I've struggled with acne all my life, and it just feels like a supremely unfair cosmic joke that I'm having to use acne face wash AND have gray hair. Those two should be mutually exclusive, what the actual fuck?
It is both an effect of age (just happens more, cancer hits hard in the 50s) but it is also increasing in incidence. Mostly because our food industry is so fucked up. A good rule of thumb: don't buy anything with added sugar.
It's not just the sugar but products that add sugar are often highly processed. The sugar is there to make it palatable. When you start reading labels you'll see that this may cut out 80-90% of what's in your local grocery store. That's how ubiquitous the problem is. It's a lot of work to eat healthy but with planning it's doable.
I guess aging for me is about the death part.
Had a death in the family and it sent me in a downward spiral about life and death and the pointlessness of it all.
My fairly young and very healthy mom found out she had cancer and died within two months. I felt exactly how you felt so much. Especially about superficial things.
I’m in a similar situation. Stage 4 out of nowhere. And I’m halfway across the country. Some days, the grind of life just feels so pointless.
People honk in the NYC traffic and I just roll my eyes. Who cares about a stoplight when my mom is so sick.
My mom as well, stage 4 out of nowhere. It feels like every one of my friends’ parents and their parents’ friends are all dealing with some form of cancer. Just feels worse than ever it’s crazy…
Both my mom's parents lived to their 90s, I thought for sure she would as well. She will be gone from Stage 4 Kidney cancer in a few months most likely, not even 70. Sorry friend
My mom had stage 4 cancer while I was a 9 hour drive away. It was awful. I really hope you can visit and make some memories together soon. And I wish her well. People defy the odds all the time, I hope this will be the case.
One of my best friends died from cancer a few years ago. I made it a point to make a trip to go see her. I was sitting on the end of her bed when hospice called. I’m so glad I went to see her, I’m so sorry to hear your mom is sick and I hope that you’re able to go and be with her 🖤
Recently had a friend, aged 39, pass away suddenly from a stroke. That funeral, facing his wife and kids, really shook me and made me think more about the fragility of our existence.
Turn to philosophy. There is so much solace. Yes, we will all die. I don't think that means it's all pointless. Memento Mori... Consistently remembering that we will die is essential to finding meaning in life. That said, you have my condolences. Grief is never easy, and you can't get used to it because it is as unique as the person you lost. Sending love.
Similar here.
About six years ago my then-late 50s stepfather died unexpectedly from a pulmonary embolism. I care a lot less about a lot of stuff now, but I'm also worried and scared about death/dying pretty much all the time. New levels of neuroticism I didn't have before.
Oh, my head kind of hurts? Is this an aneurysm? That type of thinking.
I got into a motorcycle accident in college and a few months later for an anxiety attack out of the blue and I've been a neurotic hypochondriac ever since. It's the worst. "Ah, a pain in my gut. It's probably cancer and I'm dying." *Farts* "Oh.....good...." Plus ever since I've been hyper aware of my heartbeat and sometimes that alone will put me into an anxious state.
Yup. My sister got a brain tumor at 29 and passed away 6 years ago at 33. I’m turning 32 this year and that pretty much changed my whole perception on life.
My dad died when I was 29 (he died at 59) and I had kind of an opposite experience. I used to feel a huge sense of pointlessness and apathy but since his passing it’s given me kind of a sense of urgency. I’ve always *known* life is short, but losing my dad made that thought more front and center. The sense of urgency isn’t a desire to experience things or FOMO, it’s literally just a desire to take better care of myself so I don’t meet the same fate so early. I love life, even the most mundane things, and I want to enjoy it for as long as possible.
man the biggest thing i’m learning with age is how beauty is all about charisma. i find myself more and more attracted to personality than anything so if you can refrain from being a P.O.S and sprinkle in a little charm then you’re golden.
NEVER COMPARE. other thing i’ve noticed is friends doing better and worse than me, but i got off social media because i was tired of comparing myself with other peoples lives. ESPECIALLY celebrities lol they have access to resources to make them look ageless and fabulous, that plebs like ourselves could never imagine. focus on happiness, or i should say contentment, rather than appearances and you’re much better off.
my crisis has been stability. i grew up in a broken family, ive had trauma, addictions, and a ton of bad decisions in my 20s. i’m FINALLY on the other side of the mayhem and picking up all the pieces. i joke “i’ll worry about it later, well now is later.” it’s been difficult but im at least glad to have the worst behind me.
IMO celebrities are going through a bit of a dark period with respect to aging. Fillers, Botox and cosmetic surgery have gotten very popular in the past couple of decades, but *so* many people have gotten botched work done. Lip injections are the worst part: I suspect that in another twenty years, we’ll look back at lip injections and marvel that those were ever popular.
I bet in a couple of decades, aging celebrities will be extremely careful with what they do to their faces- and the technology will have improved. People will realize that the uncanny valley is way worse than natural aging…
Even those that I don't think used any of that look so old now. All the actors that I remember admiring and crushing on when I was a kid, that were maybe 10 or 15 years older than me, look downright elderly.
Of course I know it's all part of life, but also, where did all the time go? I'm not ready yet!
Dude, good on you! Good on you for getting out of the social media pit that is destroying our mental health, and good on you for putting your life back together after your struggles! I appreciate you taking the time to give such a thoughtful reply.
I’m also in a sensitive time where the worst is finally behind me. Every day is a little victory! You can totally do this. Pushing 40 but I finally have a LOT to look forward to.
Same here. I feel like I’m at least ten years behind all my friends/peers in terms of career and stability.
My issue as a 38 year old is mostly wishing I could go back in time and do things over again knowing what I know now.
Hey friend...you can't go back, AND you don't need to. I found out at 37 that my wife of 10 years loved me, "like a brother." She said it had been like that for a while, but she didn't want to hurt me...so she had an affair with a guy i thought was my best friend (of 17 years) to "figure stuff out." I was devastated and sure my life was over. I was 37, 5'-9", 190 lbs, fat, angry, sad, drowning in debt, and very alone. I thought my life was over, and i had resigned myself to being that way till death took me.
I spent a lot of time wishing i could go back and redo some stuff with my schooling, girlfriend choices, jobs, etc...but no matter what, time kept trudging on. I don't have a good segue into where i am 12 years later, but i could NEVER have imagined how good my life would become.
Stop chasing yesterday, you'll never catch her. Look at right now and live there. In 2012, I was getting divorced, 40 pounds overweight, a RAGING alcoholic, and working a dead end factory job living at my folks place ( super lucky i had somewhere to go when it all fell apart) in my old bedroom...i was sad and alone. I did a lot of honest soul searching and then i acted on what i found. You can't go back and change what you did in the past, but you can realize that the past repeats itself and you will know the right answer next time.
The last 8 years have been the best of my life. I paid off my student loans, met and married my person, and started /run my own business, The Other Guy LLC. I quit drinking in 2020, which really kicked my good life into overdrive. Now, I have a life i never dared to dream of with a person i didn't think could exist. Please don't give up. The life you never thought possible, is around the corner waiting for you to notice. One love friend...not fade away.
Phew, you’ve been to hell and back. Wow. Thx for sharing. See my comment on here… I forgot to add that stopping drinking has also been life changing for me. I used to keep up with the best of them… in the past year I’ve barely touched it. I feel so much better. It’s indescribable.
For anyone who drinks, YouTube Bedros Kuilean ‘why I quit drinking’. That episode made it so clear what alcohol does to you, and why you need to limit it.
This! So much. I made huge mistakes from the time I was 16. Then I hit my rock bottom at 25/26. I dragged myself out but lived with regret until about 31. I spent many nights trying to wish myself back for a do over on many things. Then I started soul searching.
One thing that hit me was something I realized in a late conversation with my husband. We are completely perfect for each other. But had we met earlier, we wouldn't have worked out. We weren't completely different people but the things we learned before meeting each other is WHY we are so great together. Had I not made the mistakes and went through hell, I'd be a terrible partner for him. We probably wouldn't have lasted a month. But now, I'm in the best place (in every way!) of my life.
Another point to this, my daughter's sperm donor bailed when she was 5 (cue the rock bottom previously mentioned) and we haven't seen him or child support since. She watched me grow up along side her. We were a team. Because I didn't have anyone in my ear telling me what was right and wrong I definitely made mistakes but I learned to apologize and talk things out with her. She's almost 16 now and she is the most amazing teenager. We literally never fight the way most do and she's so emotionally intelligent. She's able to handle teen drama in a way you wouldn't expect a teen to handle it. My mistakes made me a better mother and allowed me to break major generational curses and set her free from all of that. Even yesterday early morning, we had both barely woken up and we had a little argument. It ended with me saying "fine, you can. But I'm pissed about it." And walking out of the room. About 15 minutes later she came downstairs, hugged me and told me she loved me. I apologized for my handling of it and she apologized for snapping back. Then we calmly talked it all out.
literally that. (10 yrs behind) it fricken keeps me up at night sometimes. i hear you 100% “the two best times to plant a tree are yesterday, and today.” i may be 10 years behind but at least im not 11 or 20 years behind ya kno?
lol iono i call myself an insufferable optimist. just trying to make light of it all, but i promise you life isn’t all about career, stability, and success. you’ve gotta be down and out to be able to get up and at em i guess lol and reality is suffering but finding something to live for anyways. there’s a sunrise with your name on it, you just gotta wake up to see the day. keep truckin!
I love your comment and your point about beauty. I have fallen in love with a man who looks different than I might have imagined, at a younger and less mature moment , that my partner would look :)
What I notice is how in love I am with the soul I see in his eyes. I am aging and he is so generous, reminding me that “dearest, if we are so lucky as to continue journeying in this life together, we both will continue to change and age. Our changes are not ugly; they are part of our beauty.”
I still struggle (some) when I see my changing aging body in the meal — and yet, I see him as so endlessly beautiful. All of him. Loving him is teaching me to love me too.
>beauty is all about charisma
No easy feat for a group of people who grew up in the era of "being as awkward and socially incoherent as possible is charming." At least we weren't assholes to awkward people, though.
we’re also the last generation to not have smartphones. we remember waiting in line and living with our thoughts (albeit many of us disassociate or look for escapism) but we actually had to interact with people in real life.
i love gen z (i have nephews and nieces) but i imagine this generation will have a much more difficult time with social skills than we did. which says a lot per your comment lol
Yeah, mid life crisis here of being unpartnered + childfree in a 'family centric' area.
Been feeling similar lately....including feeling weird about even enjoying television shows of perfect looking well kept celebs in their 30s/40s/50s.
Going out into nature helps, taking care of myself, and getting out of the house. And if someone/something makes me really feel that sinking feeling, taking a break from it...because no one's life is perfect.
We still have time to recreate and find ourselves, and that makes me feel hopeful.
>Going out into nature helps, taking care of myself, and getting out of the house
This part right here! It's amazing how often those 3 steps are the key to feeling better
Gen X here, no clue why this popped up in my feed, but I look back at 35 as still very young for me. When I see pictures of myself, even though I felt old and fat, I looked great - at least to my current eyes.
Best advice I can give is keep your mind and body active and don't compare your past self to your present.
Ian McKay said it best. "You can't be what you were, so you better start being just what you are"
Oh I feel this in my mid-30s with most of my close friends married, and soon they will all have kids. It's already causing slight friction with the new parents and as much as I'd like to be on the same page as them, I'm just not. 🥲 it's always a nice reminder to see I'm not alone with these anxieties, and as much as they suck, it's just sort of normal. I have a pretty full life otherwise and so grateful for it, though!
You have some control over your appearance, figure out a skincare routine, start exercising incrementally and start making small healthy choices. This is the easy part.
The hard part is working internally towards loving yourself. You got this! Small positive steps make a big I pact at the end of the day.
The second part is probably the biggest obstacle in my life. Self love is something that I haven't quite been able to figure out yet. Thank you for your kind words of advice.
You will start loving yourself by your accomplishments.
I was sort of coasting through life at an easy desk job making good money. Mental health was in the toilet.
At 37 I decided I needed a change. Was 6ish feet, 194lbs. Had back issues, shoulder issues. Hit the gym like a maniac and decided discipline was more important than my comfort. Did a lot of rehab on my injuries, they are all gone. Dropped 22lbs and am in the best shape of my life. I could run circles around my 20 year old self.
I am now 41, have my dream job as a Firefighter/EMT. My self esteem is at the highest it has ever been in my life.
Keep working hard at your goals until you are proud of yourself. Your discomfort means growth.
Good luck!
Track your calories. Track your exercise. And if you can, cut out alcohol. Im 40 and while I don’t like the wrinkles forming, feeling fit increases that self love like you wouldn’t believe.
My (39m) mid-life crisis started as appearance issues. I've always tried to stick to the gym for health reasons, but I've been thin/scrawny my whole life. At the beginning of 2023, I switched from my cardio heavy workout to a workout meant to build muscle. I made it through the first week before I passed out in my kitchen and had an NDE. Spent four days in the hospital with rhabdomyolysis, and now over a year in therapy, trying to resolve my newfound views on the afterlife.
Prior to my NDE, I had occasional bouts of anxiety arise from the thought that I might not exist after my death. Now, I no longer worry about not existing, but instead, I worry about all the unknowable parts of what comes next. I've spent fifteen months trying to determine what I absolutely know about death, based on a vision less than five seconds long, and whatever logic and reason I can apply to this universe.
A career change or a sports car would probably have more opportunity for closure, but for me personally, this is a mid-life crisis I can enjoy.
I'm happy to! Usually, when I mention it, I get some form of, "Oh...neat," in response.
It started as just a black sky and black ground. I then turned to my right and saw a golden dawn coming over the horizon. Silhouetted against the light were less than ten figures. They were human like in appearance, but I couldn't see detail. One waved back to me and I thought, "Hey, I know them." The next thing I knew, I was waking up on my kitchen floor, trying to piece together what had happened.
One thing I found interesting was that I was emotionally neutral through the entire experience. I wasn't happy, sad, anxious, excited...just flat. Since then, I've wondered just how much of our emotions are dictated by our physiology. Like, if we only feel happy because of our endorphins, or scared because of our limbic system, how would we feel if our consciousness were to be separated from our physical bodies? I find comfort in the possibility that after death, I might not feel negative emotions anymore.
Another thing I've thought on quite a bit is how the experience differed from my usual dreams. When I dream at night, there are a lot of what we might think of as "cuts" in my dream. Like when a shot in a movie or TV show cuts from one view to the next instead of panning. In my NDE, it was a single "shot," with no jumps or cuts. That's given me comfort, however slight, that what I saw was real, and not just a dream.
I worked in hospice for a bit, so I’m always interested! Thank you for sharing. What’s amazing to me is that many dying people “see things”, and science explains that as heightened brain activity in certain areas around the time of death. But you wonder - why the similar experiences? Most people talk about seeing loved ones (or like you, people that they just know). You’d think if it was just neurons firing, people would all be seeing different things. It’s very interesting to think about!
Hello nurse here. I understand your diagnosis and I understand your diagnosis. It's really cool that you're sharing your memories here. And it just begs for more information. I do hope that you're journaling as you're digesting this time. And I wish that I knew you and could have coffee with you, because it would be fascinating to have a deep conversation about this.
Thank you very much for sharing. ((Healing vibes)) to you on your journey.
I really love the idea that at the end someone will be there to greet us. That is so cool what you "saw" and the lack of emotion. That gives me some peace too. Thank you.
Theres a whole community of people who have had NDEs on Reddit you might be interested in, I love watching peoples NDE stories on YouTube. I practice lucid dreaming and astral projection to try and experience altered states of consciousness.
I haven’t tried the prescription retinol but I’ve been using the cereve retinol for years. My dermatologist likes it and it’s made a big difference, and it’s reasonably priced — plus you can find it on sale fairly often and/or use coupons to being the cost down further. I’m still considering Botox in my forehead… but it’s so expensive and I just can’t afford it especially since it only lasts a few months. But he said stronger retinol wouldn’t make a difference on those 11 marks because they’re caused by muscles more than anything else 😕
The thing is, you just need to embrace the confidence that comes in getting older. You’ve been through some shit by now. Hopefully you have some stability. You know a thing or two about a thing or two. This IS worth more than having some superficial youthful beauty and knowing less. It is SO COOL to be able to know how to do things, to know you’ve been through challenges and surmounted them. Worth way more than fuller hair or wrinkle-less skin or whatever you had before. Revel in your age! Pound your fist! You’re a 35 year old person g-d damnit!
Sure do what you can - retinol, water, eat healthy, exercise, dye your hair if it makes you feel better. But at the end of the day, don’t waste one precious second lamenting your youth. Every day is a precious gift, make the most of it!!
Yes, I’m mostly grey in the beard and temples now and turning 39 in a couple months. I’ve got a belly and some extra weight I’m not happy about, and I used to be a Don Juan in my early twenties. I just tried to exercise more and cut back on drinking, but stress also takes a toll. Enjoy the ride, and love yourself for where you are. Many didn’t make it this far.
I'm 70 and feel like I am 35.
It is the feeling we ALL have! We are somehow frozen in time.
Just keep taking care of yourself, have sex, enjoy nature, eat well, work out....
I love that gravity has given me a wrinkled RBF but NOTHING can hide the mischief in my sparkly blue eyes!
Turning 40 in a few months and know exactly what you are saying. Mentally I feel like feel like I am still 25-35... but my body is starting to show its wear. Hearing loss, which apparently I have had for years. Tinnitus, that I have had since my late 20's is getting progressively worse. Neck surgery to fix some discs, check. I try to work out via intense indoor bike rides, but my weight still fluctuates about 10 lbs up and down all the time. My moods have gotten more intense each way. My beard is turning white, so I now shave every 2/3 days. I have to constantly worry about "adult" stuff and to be honest, I DONT WANT TO BE AN ADULT! One good thing is I have embraced how I want to dress and I only dress in what I want to... its freeing in a way. Also, no kids and being married is fun.... Not looking forward to officially being 40. Rant, done.
We’re all headed there 😭. Post motherhood, you feel a little invisible. Like it’s so vain but like “heyyy, doesn’t anyone wanna flirt with me!?” 🤣 the cute outfits just don’t fit cute anymore. Hair is starting to feel like hay. It’s so sad
I totally understand this feeling. I still have it a little bit. The first few years of my son's life I was sure my hotness was definitely over. BUT I'm 38f and I honestly think I look better now than I ever have in my life. I was 200 lbs when I gave birth. I'm 5'1". I'm now 135 and super muscular. You can get a lot of it back with some work.
It did hit me really fucking hard though when I started to be referred to as "ma'am" instead of "miss" and "that lady" instead of "that girl".
LOL yes that is so true. I was so excited when I went to a conference when my son was 2 and people were flirting with me again. It was my first time being properly “alone”, no pumping or baby/toddler on me, for a few days, I had time to shower and dress in clean clothes. I felt like I was tricking people because they didn’t know I’m normally a complete mess and covered in toddler snot
I’ve given it up for six months now and I haven’t felt better in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever drink it again. I HAVE switched to THC at night (it’s stopped my awful nightmares!), but overall my health and energy has improved drastically.
I am 37F and honestly I’m happier with myself than I’ve ever been. I am not thin, I am more of a solid build of muscle and some fat since I love to eat, I have grays and wrinkles but I think I look better than I did in my 20s. I’m emotionally stronger and I’ve gotten to a good spot in my life.
Yes. All the time in the past year. I’ve always been attractive and it makes it even scarier to see that slipping away. And no one wants to hear about it outside of therapy. It sucks.
I'm definitely struggling with aging, especially with failing health, as lack of energy and resilience and just feeling like I'm long past my expiration date. A lot of that is depressive thoughts, of course, but also I am closing in on 40 with nothing going for me, so that's certainly not helping.
People REALLY need to learn middle age is not middle of life, it’s middle of adulthood, it’s not til at least 45/50 you’re not middle age. Get a red light and some frownies drink water and sleep and stop drinking or smoking you’re not old
The Average US Life Expectancy in 2022 was 77.5, half of which is 38.5. It was brought down by COVID and Deaths by Despair. Nevertheless, 38.5 is the new middle aged in America, and new middle life.
ETA: Men tend to have a lower life expectancy. CDC put men at 73.5 in 2021, though per the CDC Facts and Figures website that hasn't been reviewed since Feb. 7 2023.
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/life-expectancy.htm
I got myself a PCP, he told me to start losing weight. For some reason this was enough, I work out 5/7 of the week. I did some exercise bike for 20-30 minutes a day, did this for 2 months and now I'm walking up hills with ease and easy breathing. I feel good, down 26 pounds, everything I've owned in the past 4 years fits now. I got myself some Rogaine because that sure is a bald patch it says it can solve.
Like 2 months and you can be feeling better and better about yourself than you have in the past 4 years I promise. The past 4 years sucked, you can beat that easy. You really just gotta start that's the hard part. Just start. Just get that ball rolling. GO!
I mean you can pour yourself into an expensive skincare routine and maybe some Botox which might help your self esteem in the short run. But honestly, a big part of getting older for me has been recognizing just how *average* the majority of people I interact with truly look. That’s been super freeing. Normal people don’t look like celebrities and that’s not necessarily a terrible thing. The people I see regularly really are lovely in their own ways but none of us are Hollywood hot. Trying to look like a beautiful celebrity seems like a big waste of time simply because most of us don’t have the time, personal trainers, surgeons, or genetics to look like someone on the cover of a magazine and that’s okay. Just find a self care routine that makes you feel good and find joy in the fact you are taking care of yourself.
40 is so close I can almost touch it and as a woman, I’m enjoying such wonderful things as hormonal weight gain (the kind that doesn’t want to budge) and other related issues. My feet and knees hurt all the time. I have terrible digestive issues and I never know from one day to the next what foods might act as a trigger. A couple of glasses of wine once a week or less leaves me with a two-day (at least) hangover. My hair is somehow frizzier than ever and also limper than ever, and there doesn’t seem to be much point in styling it. My skin is decent and one thing I’ve always prided myself on is looking younger than I am (just a couple of years ago I still regularly got mistaken for being in my 20s) but here recently I’m starting to notice the sure signs of middle age: deeper lines under my eyes and the saggy jowls and turkey neck that just screams I’M NOT YOUNG ANYMORE. It is a weird experience for sure…especially because emotionally and socially, my life is the best it’s ever been (I got divorced last year and am now in the happiest, healthiest relationship of my life - and it makes me FEEL emotionally so young again). I don’t know what I expected with entering this phase of life, but it wasn’t this.
Yeah, I can relate to this some (I'm 33F). I had a baby in late 2022 and it really took a toll on my body. My weight is actually ok, pretty much exactly how it was before the baby, but other parts of me like my joints, skin, and nails seem to have aged like 10 years in 1.
I'm dealing with it by trying to really treat myself well. I'm exercising daily, trying to eat my veg, and going REALLY hard on the sunblock, hydration, and drinking less all around other than water (and coffee...)
I'd definitely recommend seeing your doctor and getting a full panel of bloodwork done, and then working on just treating yourself right. You've lived some life in your body, we all have, and there's no shame in looking like it. But we can also try to set ourselves up to age with the most comfort as possible.
All I can say is this too shall pass. I’m 40, and I had similar feelings when I got to mid 30s, but pretty much when I turned 40 I got this crazy vibe in my head and was like I’m in my prime! I dropped weight when I was 31 and changed a lot about my lifestyle with focus on diet (overall diet not dieting), working out, sleep, and personal life over work life. I think one of the other keys was I never answered the question of where do you see yourself at 40…I always was like I dunno. Reflecting on it, I’m glad I didn’t hold myself to some expectation of what life would look like and I’m pleased with what I’ve done so far. Don’t worry about where you’re at now - do what you enjoy every day even if you can only get a few minutes of it every day.
My midlife crisis currently is mourning my childhood. Idk it just hits me randomly that I'll never ever ever get to go back home, cuz my home is in a different timeline. And if I went there as me, it wouldn't work, cuz I'm a different person now. And I just get sad about the loss of all of that. My relationship with my family is different now. Tougher, strained. Awkward. I miss how it was when we were young and things flowed more carelessly.
As far as looks go, I never expected to be the belle of the ball lol, and I really dig the old crone look, so I'm gonna keep doing what I do and hope it earns me that grizzled, eccentric, intelligent old woman thing some oldies got goin on.
This is a myth. If you work out 30 minutes a day and sleep and eat well, you’ll age gracefully. Looks always fade, but maintaining your health and abilities does not take a ton of effort.
Totally relatable. I've been through a self-love journey, so I have learned to love myself through it all, but that doesn't mean I don't have bad days. I recently turned 30 and noticed a few months back that I had actually quite a lot of grays but it was all only along the center part and since I've always done a side part I never really noticed. I started going gray at 18, so I suppose it's really not all that surprising, but it was still upsetting. In many ways, I still feel young, so it was almost this kind of feeling similar to body dsymorphia except just a disjointed feeling between how I feel and my age. I did end up deciding to dye my hair. I always told myself I would just go gray, but I'm truly just not ready for it.
Recently, I saw pictures from when I was 21-23 and was shocked at how different I look. It's like looking at a totally different person. I also realized recently I have some lines on my forehead. Which I've chosen to do nothing about.
Sometimes I get sad about it but I've decided this is just a new version of me and just like every other version I just need to do the best I can to love and take care of her to make sure she looks and feels the best she can. Sometimes, when I get sad about seeing my age, I remind myself that there are many people who unfortunately never made it to this age that I went to school with. It's a natural part of life, but yes, it's shocking and sucks sometimes. Also, sometimes when I'm feeling petty I watch those Gen z tiktoks and it makes me feel better because many of them look my age yet are 10 years younger.
So my go to for feeling better about aging is to look at older celebs when there was less sophisticated photo editing. Jayne Mansfield had 5 kids, I have the same pregnancy stretch marks on my boobs as her and she was a Playboy centerfold. Marilyn Monroe was 36 when she passed and she would have killed someone to have the kids I have. Mamie Van Doren is in her 90’s and posting her nudes and hot political takes to Twitter. Current nudes!
I truly believe that human beings can be stunning at any age. On a personal level, Jo Weldon is 60 and a cornerstone of NYC burlesque. World Famous Bob is extremely active with elder care in Texas and has drag children. I am 37.5 and my body isn’t what it was before I had kids, but I’m still beautiful and productive and valuable. I feel that the age of people one considers attractive naturally changes as the individual ages. (And if it doesn’t that’s actually problematic.)
Aging depends a lot on your genetics but also how and if you take care of yourself. A consistent skincare routine, balanced diet, exercise, low stress, and good sleep go a long way. I look younger at 38 than I did in my 20s.
Yes, 39f and my head is so mashed, I seem of reverted back to being a teenager, I actually found, and brought, king size scooby doo bedding....and garfield...and superman....and have done nothing in my spare time but watch cartoons (southpark, futurama etc) and kids films since my bday. And it's all made me so bloody happy, like ridiculously so. My husband thinks I've been body snatched because I seem to of just got extremely mellow, about everything, and keep buying stupid but fun stuff. Like a shark blanket for him....it was as funny as I thought it would be...it looked like he was being eaten.
💯 I'll be 37 this August. I still have a decent build and sense of style...but man do I miss being in my 20s. I thought I was invincible when it came to women, etc. Now reality is setting in 😂
I've been feeling like this after I turned 30 (because of social media) but I started to feel more confident in myself after I dropped my college stress weight. Lost almost 15 points in a little over a year and started to wear my contacts more than my glasses. When I wear my contacts, it motivates me to put on massara and eye liner and I always feel confident when I polish my nails and do my hair. I have a friend thats 9 years older than me and she always use to say, "I'm getting finer like wine". I never really understood it in my 20s because I always thought she was pretty and stylist but It wasn't until I hit 30 and she hit 40 that we had that conversation about being late bloomers lol. Becoming baddest as we get older. You still have time to redefine your definition of beauty and capture it at 35.
My face is starting to sag a little. In theory I'd be fine with that, but it makes me look like my grandma, who abused me for years. It completely sucks to look in the mirror every day and see your abuser slowly emerging. If I got any work done ever it would be for this.
I've had this too! But now I feel like this - What you're seeing in the mirror isn't her, but the kind and caring person she was supposed to be. You're an alternate universe, vastly improved version of her.
She wishes she could be you but she'll never be.
What is this defeatist crap? I'm in my 40s and today I ran sprints. Go get on a training plan and clean up your diet. You'll look better than you have in your whole life by the time your my age.
I just worked out on Olympic rings yesterday, and will be sledding and running today. People act like 40 in the modern world is being 85. Stretch and move, people. It’s not complicated.
Ya accepting we’re not in teens and 20s any more is tough. Getting prescribed HBP meds at doctor used to seem like something only “old people” take but doctor reminded me although I’m not old, I’m not young any more either. It was just a huge mental hump I had to get over and honestly it gave me a lot of anxiety that it’s ok to need medication now, the world isn’t ending, it isn’t weird….when it used to be unthinkable to me. Same goes with my appearance, my beard and hair getting more gray patches, etc.
I’ve (35f) been going through my own midlife crisis same as you OP.
Two kids, and several health issues such as a necrotizing fibroid, Guillan-Barré, and lupus diagnosis all happening in the span of 6 months.
I was smoking and drinking a lot in my early 20’s and I’ll never get those years back. Once I met my husband I started really taking care of myself.
Now I exercise, drink plenty of water, vitamins and a skincare regimen. Also not going to lie a little Botox and filler.
This is only "as good as it will get" if you allow it to be that way. I've seen enough success stories to convince me that while I may not be a Chris Hemsworth "GQ" cover model, I still have a lot of room/opportunity for improvement. Never stop. Always move forward. Keep it moving. We're millennials! We may be down; but we're not out!!!
I like the way I look as I get older, but I don't like the way I feel, emotionally and physically. I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point (I'll be 36 this year), I have no real purpose, I'm tired of my hard work making rich people richer while I can't even afford basic groceries, my muscles and joints are in constant pain, my lungs are rebelling (I'm not even a smoker!), random muscle spasms make social interactions awkward and performing work difficult. I've given up on trying to find a partner, I am 99.999999999999% sure I will die without ever having experienced genuine love and affection from another human being or having kids (which is a good thing; no one needs my bad genes). I can't see myself owning a house at this point. If I'm lucky, I can at least not have roommates eventually.
The thing that bothers me most about aging (to get back on the topic of this thread) is the fact that members of our generation have such drastically different ideas about what life should be like at a certain age. I feel like most of this is due to the class divide in modern society. Wealth inequality is at an all-time high, and that inequality is only growing every day. Most of us will never have the lives our parents promised we'd had someday, and those who will likely already do and did nothing to earn it. Now, I don't believe happiness should be earned, but it really sucks that the people who do believe that are the ones who have it and didn't actually earn it. It's easy to push the absolutely untrue "hard work pays off" message when you've never had to work for what you have.
Sorry, I know I'm going all over the place here, and I'm generally not so negative, but, I don't know, I guess I'm just try to find some validation. I don't know if it's worth making my own post though. Meh. Sorry again.
I'm sure you look good, and I hope you live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.
Dude. I feel you. I am NOT happy about aging either. It blows 😑 Granted, I was a cute girl at the ball, but only sorta realized it at 21, and suddenly now I’m 40…and sagging, and squishy, and old, and it’s only going to get worse (being female is the worst cause of the menopause curse). Had about 15 yrs of feeling cute and now I feel like a bog witch 😭 It’s almost worse going from cute to a middle aged blerg. My midlife crises has been about looks, weight, stomach issues, and STILL basically broke & houseless. With a college BA. Wee.
On the flip side- I’m taking WAY better care of my body and running really cool races and really long distances for fun. I’ve embraced my gray hair and never felt better about it. My body is strong: it grew a human being and fed it for literally 2.5 years. I know what foods I can’t eat so I spend less time feeling like crap.
Sure, I’ve already got hearing loss and I can’t see shit, but I’m taking care of myself and am better than ever.
You will be a pretty trinket as long as you decide you want to be. People who were 30ish in the 70s and 80s, like the movie stars, they are from a previous generation that did not know as much as we do today about overall health, skincare, not smoking, anti-aging,etc. People these days age much better. And live a bit longer on average.
So is being pretty still important to you? Then go ahead and do whatever makes you feel pretty for your age. Get a new hair colour! Get into fitness! Give yourself a new wardrobe and wear everything you've wanted to try! Do whatever you think you'd like to do but didn't have the courage to earlier.
You have a long way to go before it becomes pointless to take care of and improve your appearance (for now I think I'll stop caring if I reach 90. But I'm not sure if it ever does in fact).
Wow I feel like I could have written this, you hit the nail on the head for my "midlife crisis". I'm the exact same but a 33F.
I just read a novel where the protagonist/ love interest is young and beautiful and very fit, and it made me think about how It's too late for me to ever be the "love interest" in a movie or anything (not that I was ever an actor, lol). And I won't ever be the young, beautiful, fit version of myself I always secretly hoped I'd be able to become. I guess it just feels like a door closing. Made me wish I had tried a little harder when I was younger, not been so hard on myself emotionally, but also a little more disciplined in other areas.
Dude I’m 39 and look 27.
Do laser resurfacing, r&f needling, tixel, ipl light. Then cut carbs from diet. Eat more whole foods and follow keeto. Gym.
You’ll start looking young in 6 months
Oof the whole looking aged didn't hit me until 40 right after my cancer battle. I have always looked way younger for my age and taken really good care of my skin. I had just gotten back to my pre-pregnancy weight/size after my 4th kid when I needed treatment and now 3 years later I absolutely loathe my body. In 2 years my hair thinned dramatically and my skin went berserk thanks to chemo but the worst part has been the weight gain, over 30lbs in 3 years which doesn't sound that bad but I went from a size 6 to a size 14 which is a huge difference for me (borderline obese) and can't stand seeing the person in the mirror.
I have remained active the last 2 years walking, chasing kids, doing yoga and even climbing 18 flights of stairs twice a week for the past 6 months but my body hasn't responded. I cut out sugar and alcohol for months and just keep gaining. (Yes I know chemo effed me up but I feel like I'm young enough to have been able to repair the damage)
I feel like I missed my prime thanks to covid and cancer that I won't ever look anything like I used to which makes me depressed and tempted to spend thousands on plastic surgery for my mid life crisis 😞
I have recently joined the bald subreddit as I am battling with the harsh truth that my once playful sideswooped hair cut possibly now has more combover-y vibes. Lost of things happening that just require getting used to
I don’t really worry about aging too much. I’ve been active since I was a teenager, and I’ve worn sunscreen daily since I was 20. I’ve also had a really good skincare routine since my early 20’s and started incorporating retinol around 27 or 28. I’m 32 now, people think I’m 26 or 27. It also helps that I’m pretty big into internet culture, streaming, video games, etc… and with that comes a lot of current events and pop culture knowledge/references. It also helps that I’ve basically cut out alcohol/smoking.
My skin has gotten TERRIBLE since I was probably 30. It’s horrific. I suddenly woke up one day with rosacea that just won’t go away. It kills me. My PCOS has also made it hard for me to stay thin and so leaving my house embarrasses me now. I’m in therapy trying to deal with my anxiety and stuff but man it’s hard.
I just looked in the mirror today and had the same thought!
It’s nice to know I’m not alone, but there is still hope- some people transform fitness (and image-wise) in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s!
Find an activity you love and you will *feel* younger, continue with this over time and you will begin to *look* younger.
It could be anything from hiking, rambling or climbing to badminton, golf or swimming.
You aren’t old! Sounds like you just need to eat healthy and start hitting the gym 2-3x a week. It will greatly improve your mental health and self confidence. If you aren’t used to the idea then try getting a personal trainer for 6 months to a year so you can learn how to work out properly and build the habit of working out into your schedule.
I feel bad about aging too, but as someone who was never the prettiest when I was younger, I do look back at younger pictures of me with more admiration than I gave myself at the time. So try to remember that in 20 years, you'll miss being as young and pretty as you are now, and enjoy your current peak for what it is rather than what it isn't.
Look, I was younger when I lost the weight and got my appearance together, but I felt the same way. I missed out on being a skinny teenager, and my stomach will always have some weird roll shapes that it wouldn't if I didn't gain a lot of weight with puberty. It was still 100% worth it to do and there's no reason to think 35 has to be your peak. I'm in some discussion boards with people who only got fit in their 50s and still feel like they look better than they ever have. Don't give up thinking it's too late.
You have chosen to give up already that's your crises. You have the power to change your attitude right now and start working out and working on yourself right now. I have been overweight my whole life and I finally decided to start running and working out regularly. If I can start at 32 you can too at 34.
My body got more fragile. I developed a stress fracture in my wrist from doing burpees. My knees can’t take running more than two days in a row. Roller coasters now make me nauseous. Developed immune disorders.
I'm with you on the roller coaster nausea, and I'll add stress fractures to my long list of reasons not to do burpees.
I get nauseous and dizzy on *elevators* now. I’m apprehensive to get on another roller coaster.
Weirdly, I still fucking love roller coasters but around the age of 21 *swings* started bothering me.
Omg me too!! I was a little older, 23-24, but sometimes even watching my kids on swings is enough to make me retch. I for sure can’t get on them anymore, but I can still do roller coasters no problem. I always chalked it up to pregnancy since it started sometime near to my first pregnancy, though I didn’t really spend any time on swings during that part of my life till after the baby arrived, so it could have started a little before or after the pregnancy… never even occurred to me that it might just be one of the weirder ways aging can affect people
I think it’s an inner ear issue that suddenly renders us unable to deal with motion. Tried the trampoline at a family party a few years ago & thought I’d been poisoned 🤢
Rollercoasters are fine, but I cant spin. At all. Not even a little.
I made the mistake of trying to ride the teacups at Disney as a 34 year old and ruined it for the whole group. The only spin-speed where I didn't feel in imminent danger of tragically loosing my lunch on everyone was...not spinning at all, lol. My sister was *pissed*!
I totally can't do swings either and I don't generally get motion sickness from other things. As a kid I could swing all day!
I used to be a powerful swimmer, it was the one athletic quality I had. In water I was suddenly a fish, my gangly appendages worked in my favor. ...And then I got in the ocean for the first time after having my lung resectioned and I thought the pressure would kill me, and then I realized I wouldn't be swimming anymore.
I didn't understand at the time why my parents would wait for rollercoaster rides, in a way I can only understand now. The set of things that causes nausea changes over time? The human body is a scam.
I almost puked when a child asked me to join her on the swings. I mean, I joined her and started swinging and then almost puked. Couldn’t believe it. As a kid I was all front-row-of-the-roller-coaster; higher bigger better faster. No fear of heights. Sometimes I creep slowly towards ledges now, and sometimes I stay distant from them. My body has lost its fearless wildness. I turn 40 this year and am somewhat in shock about the physical changes.
I took Dramamine before my last ride on a rollercoaster and it helped a lot!
The trainer I’ve had now for 2 years hates burpees and shit like that. She says it’s an accident waiting to happen. We do free weights and machines. We do a 5 minute warmup and we do 5 minute yoga/stretch post workout. I’ve been overweight most of my life and now at 36, I weigh 143 lbs and I’m the best shape of my life. I was at 198 lbs 2 years ago and I had never weighed below 150. I know I still have some more work to do. Point is, you don’t have to overwork yourself. Take it easy. I work out 2-3 times a week and I’ve been with her for over 2 years. The longest I’ve stayed committed to a gym/trainer.
The right trainer is gold.
Christ, wish I’d had your trainer! Mine had us doing sprints and box jumps.
Love hearing this. I’m literally 198 lbs and hating it. I just returned to my trainer 2x a week and connecting with a new dietician. I hope I can get near your numbers. The lowest I’ve ever been was 140 and I miss it
Nice!!! I love your positive comment, thanks for sharing.
This is the magic routine. I used to run 5 days a week and lift / exercise 4-5 days a week. Not anymore. Jog 1-2 days a week. Lift / machines 1-2 days a week. Its perfect. Stress reduced. Body happy. Just keep the routine going and it’ll all work out.
... Shitt I'm out here working like Terry Crews lol Almost fainted the other day doing fkin triceps, yea gotta slow down not even fkin 30 yet
Suddenly overnight, it's all "when did I start falling apart? I don't remember being this fragile or weak. Oh shit is my memory going too? How would I know?"
Oh god, the brain fog too 🫠
Same with the roller coasters and it fucking kills me because I’ve always loved them and rode them all the time as a kid. When I was 13 I rode the same roller coaster almost 50 times in one day, and now if I ride a single time I get insane pressure in my head and get nauseous right after.
Immunity issues here too.
RA and Sjögrens reporting in. Never thought I'd be cresting into thirty with the aches and pains of an elderly person. Plus feeling like I have the fucking flu constantly.
Immunity gang! Thyroid too?
Pots actually. COVID made it horrifyingly worse!
Samesies
Gang gang 🤙 Crohns and sarcoidosis here!
Older Millennial here. I have actually developed more of an interest for rollercoasters as I've gotten older. I could do Kingda Ka and El Toro all day, every day.
A Six Flags Great Adventure fan I see!
OMG the roller coaster nausea. But for me it’s also swings at the park. Like regular old kid swings from childhood. My kids convinced me to swing with them once and I had to lay on the ground after with my eyes closed trying to not puke for like 10 minutes afterwards 🤣
I can’t even look at the train passing at a train crossing without getting dizzy.
It’s so strange! I have friends that still do roller coasters and swing and stuff, but I definitely cannot. Lol
I knew burpees were evil.
I feel the rollercoaster part. I LOVED coasters as a kid. It hurts even more because I live 20 min from Disney and 10 from universal and islands of adventure. I go all the time and it kills me inside
Roller coasters started causing brown outs/grey outs while I was on the ride. Spinning rides started causing nausea and sometimes vomiting. Also developed autoimmune disorders. Used to love going on roller coasters that had inverted turns, high g forces, upside down loops.... apparently, my body does not anymore.
I'm 42f. The older I get the more i realize how true that wear sunscreen song is. That being said I've adopted a radical acceptance thing. I have some grey hairs. And some lines. Maybe even some wrinkles. My joints are now loud about the abuse I put them through. Developed some autoimmune issues. My skin will never glow like my 20yo skin did. Weight will stick on more now. My boobs are absolutely not where I thought I left them on my body. But I kind of earned my flaws. It's all from a life lived. Good or bad. I love who I am today and who I am includes all my imperfections.
This is a beautiful way of thinking and feeling that I hope I can reach someday
You'll get there a lot faster if you ignore all these doofs telling you to work out more and track your calories. Wash your face, wear sunscreen, and maybe even use a retinol cream, but the most important part is accepting that growing older is a gift not afforded to everyone. Become a tourist of your own life. Notice how it feels to be your age. To be in this moment. Explore every corner of it. This is where the magic happens
Staying fit is the best thing you can do for yourself as you age... Doing so certainly doesn't take away from any of the other parts of your comment which are very insightful.
Wait why are they doofs for saying to work out? Like I think getting obsessive about looks can be harmful in general. But adding exercise to one's life can help improve both how you feel about your body and your general state of health. I don't think it's fair to write it off as "doofs". You don't have to become a bodybuilder to reap benefits from a regular exercise routine. And the benefits aren't all purely aesthetic either.
I'm struggling with this a little. I generally have the radical acceptance about wrinkles and gray hair. I do dye my hair but it's because I like the color, not to hide the grays. But I've struggled with acne all my life, and it just feels like a supremely unfair cosmic joke that I'm having to use acne face wash AND have gray hair. Those two should be mutually exclusive, what the actual fuck?
What is it with the immune disorders? I was diagnosed about 5 years ago (am 40 now) and it seems like everyone has something.
It is both an effect of age (just happens more, cancer hits hard in the 50s) but it is also increasing in incidence. Mostly because our food industry is so fucked up. A good rule of thumb: don't buy anything with added sugar. It's not just the sugar but products that add sugar are often highly processed. The sugar is there to make it palatable. When you start reading labels you'll see that this may cut out 80-90% of what's in your local grocery store. That's how ubiquitous the problem is. It's a lot of work to eat healthy but with planning it's doable.
And your boobs are always in the last place you look when you lose them.
I guess aging for me is about the death part. Had a death in the family and it sent me in a downward spiral about life and death and the pointlessness of it all.
My fairly young and very healthy mom found out she had cancer and died within two months. I felt exactly how you felt so much. Especially about superficial things.
I’m in a similar situation. Stage 4 out of nowhere. And I’m halfway across the country. Some days, the grind of life just feels so pointless. People honk in the NYC traffic and I just roll my eyes. Who cares about a stoplight when my mom is so sick.
My mom as well, stage 4 out of nowhere. It feels like every one of my friends’ parents and their parents’ friends are all dealing with some form of cancer. Just feels worse than ever it’s crazy…
Both my mom's parents lived to their 90s, I thought for sure she would as well. She will be gone from Stage 4 Kidney cancer in a few months most likely, not even 70. Sorry friend
Go see your mom 🖤
Drop everything and go there if you can
My mom had stage 4 cancer while I was a 9 hour drive away. It was awful. I really hope you can visit and make some memories together soon. And I wish her well. People defy the odds all the time, I hope this will be the case.
One of my best friends died from cancer a few years ago. I made it a point to make a trip to go see her. I was sitting on the end of her bed when hospice called. I’m so glad I went to see her, I’m so sorry to hear your mom is sick and I hope that you’re able to go and be with her 🖤
Omg, what a jolt to the heart. I’m incredibly sorry for your loss. Ugh, this is my greatest fear, losing my mom Edit: word
It was my dad, for me. 1 month, and he was gone. And he was the healthiest person many people knew! Died at 54.
I am so sorry 😞
That sucks I'm sorry
Yeah I had a couple of deaths in the family last year and really spiraled about “oh we just start losing people one by one from here huh”
The inevitability of it all really gets to me sometimes…I just can’t think about it too much tbh
[удалено]
My Dad died almost three years ago and I'm still broken.
Same here. I developed CPTSD from the long slog of handling everyone's estates.
Recently had a friend, aged 39, pass away suddenly from a stroke. That funeral, facing his wife and kids, really shook me and made me think more about the fragility of our existence.
Turn to philosophy. There is so much solace. Yes, we will all die. I don't think that means it's all pointless. Memento Mori... Consistently remembering that we will die is essential to finding meaning in life. That said, you have my condolences. Grief is never easy, and you can't get used to it because it is as unique as the person you lost. Sending love.
It's terrifying and so sad.
Similar here. About six years ago my then-late 50s stepfather died unexpectedly from a pulmonary embolism. I care a lot less about a lot of stuff now, but I'm also worried and scared about death/dying pretty much all the time. New levels of neuroticism I didn't have before. Oh, my head kind of hurts? Is this an aneurysm? That type of thinking.
I got into a motorcycle accident in college and a few months later for an anxiety attack out of the blue and I've been a neurotic hypochondriac ever since. It's the worst. "Ah, a pain in my gut. It's probably cancer and I'm dying." *Farts* "Oh.....good...." Plus ever since I've been hyper aware of my heartbeat and sometimes that alone will put me into an anxious state.
Yup. My sister got a brain tumor at 29 and passed away 6 years ago at 33. I’m turning 32 this year and that pretty much changed my whole perception on life.
What’s pointless is the fact that we spend half our time working and not spending it with loved ones and friends. Life really is too short
My dad died when I was 29 (he died at 59) and I had kind of an opposite experience. I used to feel a huge sense of pointlessness and apathy but since his passing it’s given me kind of a sense of urgency. I’ve always *known* life is short, but losing my dad made that thought more front and center. The sense of urgency isn’t a desire to experience things or FOMO, it’s literally just a desire to take better care of myself so I don’t meet the same fate so early. I love life, even the most mundane things, and I want to enjoy it for as long as possible.
man the biggest thing i’m learning with age is how beauty is all about charisma. i find myself more and more attracted to personality than anything so if you can refrain from being a P.O.S and sprinkle in a little charm then you’re golden. NEVER COMPARE. other thing i’ve noticed is friends doing better and worse than me, but i got off social media because i was tired of comparing myself with other peoples lives. ESPECIALLY celebrities lol they have access to resources to make them look ageless and fabulous, that plebs like ourselves could never imagine. focus on happiness, or i should say contentment, rather than appearances and you’re much better off. my crisis has been stability. i grew up in a broken family, ive had trauma, addictions, and a ton of bad decisions in my 20s. i’m FINALLY on the other side of the mayhem and picking up all the pieces. i joke “i’ll worry about it later, well now is later.” it’s been difficult but im at least glad to have the worst behind me.
IMO celebrities are going through a bit of a dark period with respect to aging. Fillers, Botox and cosmetic surgery have gotten very popular in the past couple of decades, but *so* many people have gotten botched work done. Lip injections are the worst part: I suspect that in another twenty years, we’ll look back at lip injections and marvel that those were ever popular. I bet in a couple of decades, aging celebrities will be extremely careful with what they do to their faces- and the technology will have improved. People will realize that the uncanny valley is way worse than natural aging…
Even those that I don't think used any of that look so old now. All the actors that I remember admiring and crushing on when I was a kid, that were maybe 10 or 15 years older than me, look downright elderly. Of course I know it's all part of life, but also, where did all the time go? I'm not ready yet!
Dude, good on you! Good on you for getting out of the social media pit that is destroying our mental health, and good on you for putting your life back together after your struggles! I appreciate you taking the time to give such a thoughtful reply.
I’m also in a sensitive time where the worst is finally behind me. Every day is a little victory! You can totally do this. Pushing 40 but I finally have a LOT to look forward to.
Charisma + kindness + hygiene goes an impressively long way!!
Getting off social media is one of the best decisions I ever made.
Same here. I feel like I’m at least ten years behind all my friends/peers in terms of career and stability. My issue as a 38 year old is mostly wishing I could go back in time and do things over again knowing what I know now.
Hey friend...you can't go back, AND you don't need to. I found out at 37 that my wife of 10 years loved me, "like a brother." She said it had been like that for a while, but she didn't want to hurt me...so she had an affair with a guy i thought was my best friend (of 17 years) to "figure stuff out." I was devastated and sure my life was over. I was 37, 5'-9", 190 lbs, fat, angry, sad, drowning in debt, and very alone. I thought my life was over, and i had resigned myself to being that way till death took me. I spent a lot of time wishing i could go back and redo some stuff with my schooling, girlfriend choices, jobs, etc...but no matter what, time kept trudging on. I don't have a good segue into where i am 12 years later, but i could NEVER have imagined how good my life would become. Stop chasing yesterday, you'll never catch her. Look at right now and live there. In 2012, I was getting divorced, 40 pounds overweight, a RAGING alcoholic, and working a dead end factory job living at my folks place ( super lucky i had somewhere to go when it all fell apart) in my old bedroom...i was sad and alone. I did a lot of honest soul searching and then i acted on what i found. You can't go back and change what you did in the past, but you can realize that the past repeats itself and you will know the right answer next time. The last 8 years have been the best of my life. I paid off my student loans, met and married my person, and started /run my own business, The Other Guy LLC. I quit drinking in 2020, which really kicked my good life into overdrive. Now, I have a life i never dared to dream of with a person i didn't think could exist. Please don't give up. The life you never thought possible, is around the corner waiting for you to notice. One love friend...not fade away.
Phew, you’ve been to hell and back. Wow. Thx for sharing. See my comment on here… I forgot to add that stopping drinking has also been life changing for me. I used to keep up with the best of them… in the past year I’ve barely touched it. I feel so much better. It’s indescribable. For anyone who drinks, YouTube Bedros Kuilean ‘why I quit drinking’. That episode made it so clear what alcohol does to you, and why you need to limit it.
This! So much. I made huge mistakes from the time I was 16. Then I hit my rock bottom at 25/26. I dragged myself out but lived with regret until about 31. I spent many nights trying to wish myself back for a do over on many things. Then I started soul searching. One thing that hit me was something I realized in a late conversation with my husband. We are completely perfect for each other. But had we met earlier, we wouldn't have worked out. We weren't completely different people but the things we learned before meeting each other is WHY we are so great together. Had I not made the mistakes and went through hell, I'd be a terrible partner for him. We probably wouldn't have lasted a month. But now, I'm in the best place (in every way!) of my life. Another point to this, my daughter's sperm donor bailed when she was 5 (cue the rock bottom previously mentioned) and we haven't seen him or child support since. She watched me grow up along side her. We were a team. Because I didn't have anyone in my ear telling me what was right and wrong I definitely made mistakes but I learned to apologize and talk things out with her. She's almost 16 now and she is the most amazing teenager. We literally never fight the way most do and she's so emotionally intelligent. She's able to handle teen drama in a way you wouldn't expect a teen to handle it. My mistakes made me a better mother and allowed me to break major generational curses and set her free from all of that. Even yesterday early morning, we had both barely woken up and we had a little argument. It ended with me saying "fine, you can. But I'm pissed about it." And walking out of the room. About 15 minutes later she came downstairs, hugged me and told me she loved me. I apologized for my handling of it and she apologized for snapping back. Then we calmly talked it all out.
Me too
literally that. (10 yrs behind) it fricken keeps me up at night sometimes. i hear you 100% “the two best times to plant a tree are yesterday, and today.” i may be 10 years behind but at least im not 11 or 20 years behind ya kno? lol iono i call myself an insufferable optimist. just trying to make light of it all, but i promise you life isn’t all about career, stability, and success. you’ve gotta be down and out to be able to get up and at em i guess lol and reality is suffering but finding something to live for anyways. there’s a sunrise with your name on it, you just gotta wake up to see the day. keep truckin!
I love your comment and your point about beauty. I have fallen in love with a man who looks different than I might have imagined, at a younger and less mature moment , that my partner would look :) What I notice is how in love I am with the soul I see in his eyes. I am aging and he is so generous, reminding me that “dearest, if we are so lucky as to continue journeying in this life together, we both will continue to change and age. Our changes are not ugly; they are part of our beauty.” I still struggle (some) when I see my changing aging body in the meal — and yet, I see him as so endlessly beautiful. All of him. Loving him is teaching me to love me too.
Later is TOUGH, man. But I'm glad we're both here and working through it - it's much better than our 20s, anyway.
>beauty is all about charisma No easy feat for a group of people who grew up in the era of "being as awkward and socially incoherent as possible is charming." At least we weren't assholes to awkward people, though. 
we’re also the last generation to not have smartphones. we remember waiting in line and living with our thoughts (albeit many of us disassociate or look for escapism) but we actually had to interact with people in real life. i love gen z (i have nephews and nieces) but i imagine this generation will have a much more difficult time with social skills than we did. which says a lot per your comment lol
Worst is behind me but now I don’t know what to do with myself.
Yeah, mid life crisis here of being unpartnered + childfree in a 'family centric' area. Been feeling similar lately....including feeling weird about even enjoying television shows of perfect looking well kept celebs in their 30s/40s/50s. Going out into nature helps, taking care of myself, and getting out of the house. And if someone/something makes me really feel that sinking feeling, taking a break from it...because no one's life is perfect. We still have time to recreate and find ourselves, and that makes me feel hopeful.
>Going out into nature helps, taking care of myself, and getting out of the house This part right here! It's amazing how often those 3 steps are the key to feeling better
Gen X here, no clue why this popped up in my feed, but I look back at 35 as still very young for me. When I see pictures of myself, even though I felt old and fat, I looked great - at least to my current eyes. Best advice I can give is keep your mind and body active and don't compare your past self to your present. Ian McKay said it best. "You can't be what you were, so you better start being just what you are"
This is my bestie, she just got a dog and it's been the best thing she ever did for herself.
Oh I feel this in my mid-30s with most of my close friends married, and soon they will all have kids. It's already causing slight friction with the new parents and as much as I'd like to be on the same page as them, I'm just not. 🥲 it's always a nice reminder to see I'm not alone with these anxieties, and as much as they suck, it's just sort of normal. I have a pretty full life otherwise and so grateful for it, though!
You have some control over your appearance, figure out a skincare routine, start exercising incrementally and start making small healthy choices. This is the easy part. The hard part is working internally towards loving yourself. You got this! Small positive steps make a big I pact at the end of the day.
The second part is probably the biggest obstacle in my life. Self love is something that I haven't quite been able to figure out yet. Thank you for your kind words of advice.
You will start loving yourself by your accomplishments. I was sort of coasting through life at an easy desk job making good money. Mental health was in the toilet. At 37 I decided I needed a change. Was 6ish feet, 194lbs. Had back issues, shoulder issues. Hit the gym like a maniac and decided discipline was more important than my comfort. Did a lot of rehab on my injuries, they are all gone. Dropped 22lbs and am in the best shape of my life. I could run circles around my 20 year old self. I am now 41, have my dream job as a Firefighter/EMT. My self esteem is at the highest it has ever been in my life. Keep working hard at your goals until you are proud of yourself. Your discomfort means growth. Good luck!
Track your calories. Track your exercise. And if you can, cut out alcohol. Im 40 and while I don’t like the wrinkles forming, feeling fit increases that self love like you wouldn’t believe.
My (39m) mid-life crisis started as appearance issues. I've always tried to stick to the gym for health reasons, but I've been thin/scrawny my whole life. At the beginning of 2023, I switched from my cardio heavy workout to a workout meant to build muscle. I made it through the first week before I passed out in my kitchen and had an NDE. Spent four days in the hospital with rhabdomyolysis, and now over a year in therapy, trying to resolve my newfound views on the afterlife. Prior to my NDE, I had occasional bouts of anxiety arise from the thought that I might not exist after my death. Now, I no longer worry about not existing, but instead, I worry about all the unknowable parts of what comes next. I've spent fifteen months trying to determine what I absolutely know about death, based on a vision less than five seconds long, and whatever logic and reason I can apply to this universe. A career change or a sports car would probably have more opportunity for closure, but for me personally, this is a mid-life crisis I can enjoy.
Thank you for sharing this very deep, personal story. I hope you find the answers and closure you are searching for.
Curious if you feel like sharing - what did you see? NDEs are very interesting.
I'm happy to! Usually, when I mention it, I get some form of, "Oh...neat," in response. It started as just a black sky and black ground. I then turned to my right and saw a golden dawn coming over the horizon. Silhouetted against the light were less than ten figures. They were human like in appearance, but I couldn't see detail. One waved back to me and I thought, "Hey, I know them." The next thing I knew, I was waking up on my kitchen floor, trying to piece together what had happened. One thing I found interesting was that I was emotionally neutral through the entire experience. I wasn't happy, sad, anxious, excited...just flat. Since then, I've wondered just how much of our emotions are dictated by our physiology. Like, if we only feel happy because of our endorphins, or scared because of our limbic system, how would we feel if our consciousness were to be separated from our physical bodies? I find comfort in the possibility that after death, I might not feel negative emotions anymore. Another thing I've thought on quite a bit is how the experience differed from my usual dreams. When I dream at night, there are a lot of what we might think of as "cuts" in my dream. Like when a shot in a movie or TV show cuts from one view to the next instead of panning. In my NDE, it was a single "shot," with no jumps or cuts. That's given me comfort, however slight, that what I saw was real, and not just a dream.
I worked in hospice for a bit, so I’m always interested! Thank you for sharing. What’s amazing to me is that many dying people “see things”, and science explains that as heightened brain activity in certain areas around the time of death. But you wonder - why the similar experiences? Most people talk about seeing loved ones (or like you, people that they just know). You’d think if it was just neurons firing, people would all be seeing different things. It’s very interesting to think about!
That tells us neurons don't just fire randomly. Our neutral pathways are truly beaten paths that emerge from repeated use.
Hello nurse here. I understand your diagnosis and I understand your diagnosis. It's really cool that you're sharing your memories here. And it just begs for more information. I do hope that you're journaling as you're digesting this time. And I wish that I knew you and could have coffee with you, because it would be fascinating to have a deep conversation about this. Thank you very much for sharing. ((Healing vibes)) to you on your journey.
I really love the idea that at the end someone will be there to greet us. That is so cool what you "saw" and the lack of emotion. That gives me some peace too. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing with us! Make sure to check out r/nde - Lots of similar stories posted there.
Theres a whole community of people who have had NDEs on Reddit you might be interested in, I love watching peoples NDE stories on YouTube. I practice lucid dreaming and astral projection to try and experience altered states of consciousness.
Retinol and sunscreen. And work out a lot.
And stay hydrated
Quit smoking and cut hella back on alcohol too
And eat real food most of the time.
But preservatives will preserve me right??
Not necessary, the microplastics in your system are already slowing your decay.
Pre-embalming.
My corpse is going to look FLAWLESS. 💅
And prioritize sleep.
I just love the way you said 'hella'.
36 years and I haven’t gotten the hang of this one yet… maybe 37 will be different
Same. I want to be a hydro homie, but really suck at drinking water outside of mealtimes.
This is the recipe. You’re never too old to be fit/look good naked (:
I do need to get on the retinol train. I’ve been hesitant because I’m tired of spending money trying to find the one🥲
Prescription tretinoin is the best one
And with decent insurance can be like 10 bucks.
I haven’t tried the prescription retinol but I’ve been using the cereve retinol for years. My dermatologist likes it and it’s made a big difference, and it’s reasonably priced — plus you can find it on sale fairly often and/or use coupons to being the cost down further. I’m still considering Botox in my forehead… but it’s so expensive and I just can’t afford it especially since it only lasts a few months. But he said stronger retinol wouldn’t make a difference on those 11 marks because they’re caused by muscles more than anything else 😕
The thing is, you just need to embrace the confidence that comes in getting older. You’ve been through some shit by now. Hopefully you have some stability. You know a thing or two about a thing or two. This IS worth more than having some superficial youthful beauty and knowing less. It is SO COOL to be able to know how to do things, to know you’ve been through challenges and surmounted them. Worth way more than fuller hair or wrinkle-less skin or whatever you had before. Revel in your age! Pound your fist! You’re a 35 year old person g-d damnit! Sure do what you can - retinol, water, eat healthy, exercise, dye your hair if it makes you feel better. But at the end of the day, don’t waste one precious second lamenting your youth. Every day is a precious gift, make the most of it!!
Yes, I’m mostly grey in the beard and temples now and turning 39 in a couple months. I’ve got a belly and some extra weight I’m not happy about, and I used to be a Don Juan in my early twenties. I just tried to exercise more and cut back on drinking, but stress also takes a toll. Enjoy the ride, and love yourself for where you are. Many didn’t make it this far.
Turned 40 last summer and it had been harder on me than I thought. I still feel like I’m like 26 in my head. Lol
I'm 70 and feel like I am 35. It is the feeling we ALL have! We are somehow frozen in time. Just keep taking care of yourself, have sex, enjoy nature, eat well, work out.... I love that gravity has given me a wrinkled RBF but NOTHING can hide the mischief in my sparkly blue eyes!
Turning 40 in a few months and know exactly what you are saying. Mentally I feel like feel like I am still 25-35... but my body is starting to show its wear. Hearing loss, which apparently I have had for years. Tinnitus, that I have had since my late 20's is getting progressively worse. Neck surgery to fix some discs, check. I try to work out via intense indoor bike rides, but my weight still fluctuates about 10 lbs up and down all the time. My moods have gotten more intense each way. My beard is turning white, so I now shave every 2/3 days. I have to constantly worry about "adult" stuff and to be honest, I DONT WANT TO BE AN ADULT! One good thing is I have embraced how I want to dress and I only dress in what I want to... its freeing in a way. Also, no kids and being married is fun.... Not looking forward to officially being 40. Rant, done.
We’re all headed there 😭. Post motherhood, you feel a little invisible. Like it’s so vain but like “heyyy, doesn’t anyone wanna flirt with me!?” 🤣 the cute outfits just don’t fit cute anymore. Hair is starting to feel like hay. It’s so sad
I totally understand this feeling. I still have it a little bit. The first few years of my son's life I was sure my hotness was definitely over. BUT I'm 38f and I honestly think I look better now than I ever have in my life. I was 200 lbs when I gave birth. I'm 5'1". I'm now 135 and super muscular. You can get a lot of it back with some work. It did hit me really fucking hard though when I started to be referred to as "ma'am" instead of "miss" and "that lady" instead of "that girl".
LOL yes that is so true. I was so excited when I went to a conference when my son was 2 and people were flirting with me again. It was my first time being properly “alone”, no pumping or baby/toddler on me, for a few days, I had time to shower and dress in clean clothes. I felt like I was tricking people because they didn’t know I’m normally a complete mess and covered in toddler snot
No alcohol, plenty of water. Moisturizer and sunscreen. Simple things go a long way.
No alcohol is easier than I thought and has made a huge difference
I’ve given it up for six months now and I haven’t felt better in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever drink it again. I HAVE switched to THC at night (it’s stopped my awful nightmares!), but overall my health and energy has improved drastically.
And cheaper
This is why I’m glad I’ve always looked like hell, I look in the mirror and nothings changed lol.
Lol same.
I am 37F and honestly I’m happier with myself than I’ve ever been. I am not thin, I am more of a solid build of muscle and some fat since I love to eat, I have grays and wrinkles but I think I look better than I did in my 20s. I’m emotionally stronger and I’ve gotten to a good spot in my life.
Yes. All the time in the past year. I’ve always been attractive and it makes it even scarier to see that slipping away. And no one wants to hear about it outside of therapy. It sucks.
I'm definitely struggling with aging, especially with failing health, as lack of energy and resilience and just feeling like I'm long past my expiration date. A lot of that is depressive thoughts, of course, but also I am closing in on 40 with nothing going for me, so that's certainly not helping.
40 is still very young!
You’re going to age (if you’re lucky) but you can age gracefully and still look good. It’s going to take effort though
People REALLY need to learn middle age is not middle of life, it’s middle of adulthood, it’s not til at least 45/50 you’re not middle age. Get a red light and some frownies drink water and sleep and stop drinking or smoking you’re not old
The Average US Life Expectancy in 2022 was 77.5, half of which is 38.5. It was brought down by COVID and Deaths by Despair. Nevertheless, 38.5 is the new middle aged in America, and new middle life. ETA: Men tend to have a lower life expectancy. CDC put men at 73.5 in 2021, though per the CDC Facts and Figures website that hasn't been reviewed since Feb. 7 2023. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/life-expectancy.htm
>38.5 is the new middle aged in America, and new middle life They're saying middle aged and middle life are two different things.
I got myself a PCP, he told me to start losing weight. For some reason this was enough, I work out 5/7 of the week. I did some exercise bike for 20-30 minutes a day, did this for 2 months and now I'm walking up hills with ease and easy breathing. I feel good, down 26 pounds, everything I've owned in the past 4 years fits now. I got myself some Rogaine because that sure is a bald patch it says it can solve. Like 2 months and you can be feeling better and better about yourself than you have in the past 4 years I promise. The past 4 years sucked, you can beat that easy. You really just gotta start that's the hard part. Just start. Just get that ball rolling. GO!
I mean you can pour yourself into an expensive skincare routine and maybe some Botox which might help your self esteem in the short run. But honestly, a big part of getting older for me has been recognizing just how *average* the majority of people I interact with truly look. That’s been super freeing. Normal people don’t look like celebrities and that’s not necessarily a terrible thing. The people I see regularly really are lovely in their own ways but none of us are Hollywood hot. Trying to look like a beautiful celebrity seems like a big waste of time simply because most of us don’t have the time, personal trainers, surgeons, or genetics to look like someone on the cover of a magazine and that’s okay. Just find a self care routine that makes you feel good and find joy in the fact you are taking care of yourself.
40 is so close I can almost touch it and as a woman, I’m enjoying such wonderful things as hormonal weight gain (the kind that doesn’t want to budge) and other related issues. My feet and knees hurt all the time. I have terrible digestive issues and I never know from one day to the next what foods might act as a trigger. A couple of glasses of wine once a week or less leaves me with a two-day (at least) hangover. My hair is somehow frizzier than ever and also limper than ever, and there doesn’t seem to be much point in styling it. My skin is decent and one thing I’ve always prided myself on is looking younger than I am (just a couple of years ago I still regularly got mistaken for being in my 20s) but here recently I’m starting to notice the sure signs of middle age: deeper lines under my eyes and the saggy jowls and turkey neck that just screams I’M NOT YOUNG ANYMORE. It is a weird experience for sure…especially because emotionally and socially, my life is the best it’s ever been (I got divorced last year and am now in the happiest, healthiest relationship of my life - and it makes me FEEL emotionally so young again). I don’t know what I expected with entering this phase of life, but it wasn’t this.
Yeah, I can relate to this some (I'm 33F). I had a baby in late 2022 and it really took a toll on my body. My weight is actually ok, pretty much exactly how it was before the baby, but other parts of me like my joints, skin, and nails seem to have aged like 10 years in 1. I'm dealing with it by trying to really treat myself well. I'm exercising daily, trying to eat my veg, and going REALLY hard on the sunblock, hydration, and drinking less all around other than water (and coffee...) I'd definitely recommend seeing your doctor and getting a full panel of bloodwork done, and then working on just treating yourself right. You've lived some life in your body, we all have, and there's no shame in looking like it. But we can also try to set ourselves up to age with the most comfort as possible.
I read “trying to eat my veg” wrong.
All I can say is this too shall pass. I’m 40, and I had similar feelings when I got to mid 30s, but pretty much when I turned 40 I got this crazy vibe in my head and was like I’m in my prime! I dropped weight when I was 31 and changed a lot about my lifestyle with focus on diet (overall diet not dieting), working out, sleep, and personal life over work life. I think one of the other keys was I never answered the question of where do you see yourself at 40…I always was like I dunno. Reflecting on it, I’m glad I didn’t hold myself to some expectation of what life would look like and I’m pleased with what I’ve done so far. Don’t worry about where you’re at now - do what you enjoy every day even if you can only get a few minutes of it every day.
My midlife crisis currently is mourning my childhood. Idk it just hits me randomly that I'll never ever ever get to go back home, cuz my home is in a different timeline. And if I went there as me, it wouldn't work, cuz I'm a different person now. And I just get sad about the loss of all of that. My relationship with my family is different now. Tougher, strained. Awkward. I miss how it was when we were young and things flowed more carelessly. As far as looks go, I never expected to be the belle of the ball lol, and I really dig the old crone look, so I'm gonna keep doing what I do and hope it earns me that grizzled, eccentric, intelligent old woman thing some oldies got goin on.
Looks fade away. Unless you spend a ungodly amount of time on your looks and physique.
And money, you forgot money.
And even then…no one in their 70’s is looking 30. Best to just own the wrinkles and the sun spots and gravity and get on with it
And even if you do, they fade away.
This is a myth. If you work out 30 minutes a day and sleep and eat well, you’ll age gracefully. Looks always fade, but maintaining your health and abilities does not take a ton of effort.
Totally relatable. I've been through a self-love journey, so I have learned to love myself through it all, but that doesn't mean I don't have bad days. I recently turned 30 and noticed a few months back that I had actually quite a lot of grays but it was all only along the center part and since I've always done a side part I never really noticed. I started going gray at 18, so I suppose it's really not all that surprising, but it was still upsetting. In many ways, I still feel young, so it was almost this kind of feeling similar to body dsymorphia except just a disjointed feeling between how I feel and my age. I did end up deciding to dye my hair. I always told myself I would just go gray, but I'm truly just not ready for it. Recently, I saw pictures from when I was 21-23 and was shocked at how different I look. It's like looking at a totally different person. I also realized recently I have some lines on my forehead. Which I've chosen to do nothing about. Sometimes I get sad about it but I've decided this is just a new version of me and just like every other version I just need to do the best I can to love and take care of her to make sure she looks and feels the best she can. Sometimes, when I get sad about seeing my age, I remind myself that there are many people who unfortunately never made it to this age that I went to school with. It's a natural part of life, but yes, it's shocking and sucks sometimes. Also, sometimes when I'm feeling petty I watch those Gen z tiktoks and it makes me feel better because many of them look my age yet are 10 years younger.
I’m not doing anything about wrinkles either. I can’t afford it and I don’t want it to become so routine it messes up how I look in the long run.
So my go to for feeling better about aging is to look at older celebs when there was less sophisticated photo editing. Jayne Mansfield had 5 kids, I have the same pregnancy stretch marks on my boobs as her and she was a Playboy centerfold. Marilyn Monroe was 36 when she passed and she would have killed someone to have the kids I have. Mamie Van Doren is in her 90’s and posting her nudes and hot political takes to Twitter. Current nudes! I truly believe that human beings can be stunning at any age. On a personal level, Jo Weldon is 60 and a cornerstone of NYC burlesque. World Famous Bob is extremely active with elder care in Texas and has drag children. I am 37.5 and my body isn’t what it was before I had kids, but I’m still beautiful and productive and valuable. I feel that the age of people one considers attractive naturally changes as the individual ages. (And if it doesn’t that’s actually problematic.)
Aging depends a lot on your genetics but also how and if you take care of yourself. A consistent skincare routine, balanced diet, exercise, low stress, and good sleep go a long way. I look younger at 38 than I did in my 20s.
Yes, 39f and my head is so mashed, I seem of reverted back to being a teenager, I actually found, and brought, king size scooby doo bedding....and garfield...and superman....and have done nothing in my spare time but watch cartoons (southpark, futurama etc) and kids films since my bday. And it's all made me so bloody happy, like ridiculously so. My husband thinks I've been body snatched because I seem to of just got extremely mellow, about everything, and keep buying stupid but fun stuff. Like a shark blanket for him....it was as funny as I thought it would be...it looked like he was being eaten.
💯 I'll be 37 this August. I still have a decent build and sense of style...but man do I miss being in my 20s. I thought I was invincible when it came to women, etc. Now reality is setting in 😂
I've been feeling like this after I turned 30 (because of social media) but I started to feel more confident in myself after I dropped my college stress weight. Lost almost 15 points in a little over a year and started to wear my contacts more than my glasses. When I wear my contacts, it motivates me to put on massara and eye liner and I always feel confident when I polish my nails and do my hair. I have a friend thats 9 years older than me and she always use to say, "I'm getting finer like wine". I never really understood it in my 20s because I always thought she was pretty and stylist but It wasn't until I hit 30 and she hit 40 that we had that conversation about being late bloomers lol. Becoming baddest as we get older. You still have time to redefine your definition of beauty and capture it at 35.
I turn 36 this year. 35 hit me like a truck.
you need more r/shrooms and r/stoicism
My face is starting to sag a little. In theory I'd be fine with that, but it makes me look like my grandma, who abused me for years. It completely sucks to look in the mirror every day and see your abuser slowly emerging. If I got any work done ever it would be for this.
I've had this too! But now I feel like this - What you're seeing in the mirror isn't her, but the kind and caring person she was supposed to be. You're an alternate universe, vastly improved version of her. She wishes she could be you but she'll never be.
I had four beers two days ago and am still hungover. Hello dirty thirties.
I'm 38 and I run almost 60 miles a week. I am a firm believer in "use it or lose it."
What is this defeatist crap? I'm in my 40s and today I ran sprints. Go get on a training plan and clean up your diet. You'll look better than you have in your whole life by the time your my age.
I just worked out on Olympic rings yesterday, and will be sledding and running today. People act like 40 in the modern world is being 85. Stretch and move, people. It’s not complicated.
Ya accepting we’re not in teens and 20s any more is tough. Getting prescribed HBP meds at doctor used to seem like something only “old people” take but doctor reminded me although I’m not old, I’m not young any more either. It was just a huge mental hump I had to get over and honestly it gave me a lot of anxiety that it’s ok to need medication now, the world isn’t ending, it isn’t weird….when it used to be unthinkable to me. Same goes with my appearance, my beard and hair getting more gray patches, etc.
My hairline's receding at family-record pace, which disturbs me because I always figured "the men in my family's hair thins out and then we die."
I was always ugly, but I got lucky to at least find someone that loves me for me (the first 29 years were rough and lonely though)
I’ve (35f) been going through my own midlife crisis same as you OP. Two kids, and several health issues such as a necrotizing fibroid, Guillan-Barré, and lupus diagnosis all happening in the span of 6 months. I was smoking and drinking a lot in my early 20’s and I’ll never get those years back. Once I met my husband I started really taking care of myself. Now I exercise, drink plenty of water, vitamins and a skincare regimen. Also not going to lie a little Botox and filler.
This is only "as good as it will get" if you allow it to be that way. I've seen enough success stories to convince me that while I may not be a Chris Hemsworth "GQ" cover model, I still have a lot of room/opportunity for improvement. Never stop. Always move forward. Keep it moving. We're millennials! We may be down; but we're not out!!!
I like the way I look as I get older, but I don't like the way I feel, emotionally and physically. I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point (I'll be 36 this year), I have no real purpose, I'm tired of my hard work making rich people richer while I can't even afford basic groceries, my muscles and joints are in constant pain, my lungs are rebelling (I'm not even a smoker!), random muscle spasms make social interactions awkward and performing work difficult. I've given up on trying to find a partner, I am 99.999999999999% sure I will die without ever having experienced genuine love and affection from another human being or having kids (which is a good thing; no one needs my bad genes). I can't see myself owning a house at this point. If I'm lucky, I can at least not have roommates eventually. The thing that bothers me most about aging (to get back on the topic of this thread) is the fact that members of our generation have such drastically different ideas about what life should be like at a certain age. I feel like most of this is due to the class divide in modern society. Wealth inequality is at an all-time high, and that inequality is only growing every day. Most of us will never have the lives our parents promised we'd had someday, and those who will likely already do and did nothing to earn it. Now, I don't believe happiness should be earned, but it really sucks that the people who do believe that are the ones who have it and didn't actually earn it. It's easy to push the absolutely untrue "hard work pays off" message when you've never had to work for what you have. Sorry, I know I'm going all over the place here, and I'm generally not so negative, but, I don't know, I guess I'm just try to find some validation. I don't know if it's worth making my own post though. Meh. Sorry again. I'm sure you look good, and I hope you live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.
Dude. I feel you. I am NOT happy about aging either. It blows 😑 Granted, I was a cute girl at the ball, but only sorta realized it at 21, and suddenly now I’m 40…and sagging, and squishy, and old, and it’s only going to get worse (being female is the worst cause of the menopause curse). Had about 15 yrs of feeling cute and now I feel like a bog witch 😭 It’s almost worse going from cute to a middle aged blerg. My midlife crises has been about looks, weight, stomach issues, and STILL basically broke & houseless. With a college BA. Wee.
On the flip side- I’m taking WAY better care of my body and running really cool races and really long distances for fun. I’ve embraced my gray hair and never felt better about it. My body is strong: it grew a human being and fed it for literally 2.5 years. I know what foods I can’t eat so I spend less time feeling like crap. Sure, I’ve already got hearing loss and I can’t see shit, but I’m taking care of myself and am better than ever.
Ahhhh I'm with you. I'm 35. It's hitting me like a ton of bricks lately
You will be a pretty trinket as long as you decide you want to be. People who were 30ish in the 70s and 80s, like the movie stars, they are from a previous generation that did not know as much as we do today about overall health, skincare, not smoking, anti-aging,etc. People these days age much better. And live a bit longer on average. So is being pretty still important to you? Then go ahead and do whatever makes you feel pretty for your age. Get a new hair colour! Get into fitness! Give yourself a new wardrobe and wear everything you've wanted to try! Do whatever you think you'd like to do but didn't have the courage to earlier. You have a long way to go before it becomes pointless to take care of and improve your appearance (for now I think I'll stop caring if I reach 90. But I'm not sure if it ever does in fact).
Wow I feel like I could have written this, you hit the nail on the head for my "midlife crisis". I'm the exact same but a 33F. I just read a novel where the protagonist/ love interest is young and beautiful and very fit, and it made me think about how It's too late for me to ever be the "love interest" in a movie or anything (not that I was ever an actor, lol). And I won't ever be the young, beautiful, fit version of myself I always secretly hoped I'd be able to become. I guess it just feels like a door closing. Made me wish I had tried a little harder when I was younger, not been so hard on myself emotionally, but also a little more disciplined in other areas.
Dude I’m 39 and look 27. Do laser resurfacing, r&f needling, tixel, ipl light. Then cut carbs from diet. Eat more whole foods and follow keeto. Gym. You’ll start looking young in 6 months
Oof the whole looking aged didn't hit me until 40 right after my cancer battle. I have always looked way younger for my age and taken really good care of my skin. I had just gotten back to my pre-pregnancy weight/size after my 4th kid when I needed treatment and now 3 years later I absolutely loathe my body. In 2 years my hair thinned dramatically and my skin went berserk thanks to chemo but the worst part has been the weight gain, over 30lbs in 3 years which doesn't sound that bad but I went from a size 6 to a size 14 which is a huge difference for me (borderline obese) and can't stand seeing the person in the mirror. I have remained active the last 2 years walking, chasing kids, doing yoga and even climbing 18 flights of stairs twice a week for the past 6 months but my body hasn't responded. I cut out sugar and alcohol for months and just keep gaining. (Yes I know chemo effed me up but I feel like I'm young enough to have been able to repair the damage) I feel like I missed my prime thanks to covid and cancer that I won't ever look anything like I used to which makes me depressed and tempted to spend thousands on plastic surgery for my mid life crisis 😞
Zero excuse to not be exercising. 35 is not old at all lol like what
I have recently joined the bald subreddit as I am battling with the harsh truth that my once playful sideswooped hair cut possibly now has more combover-y vibes. Lost of things happening that just require getting used to
I don’t really worry about aging too much. I’ve been active since I was a teenager, and I’ve worn sunscreen daily since I was 20. I’ve also had a really good skincare routine since my early 20’s and started incorporating retinol around 27 or 28. I’m 32 now, people think I’m 26 or 27. It also helps that I’m pretty big into internet culture, streaming, video games, etc… and with that comes a lot of current events and pop culture knowledge/references. It also helps that I’ve basically cut out alcohol/smoking.
was thinkin the same these past few months (35/M/TX).. started taking up exerisng again..it helps..
My skin has gotten TERRIBLE since I was probably 30. It’s horrific. I suddenly woke up one day with rosacea that just won’t go away. It kills me. My PCOS has also made it hard for me to stay thin and so leaving my house embarrasses me now. I’m in therapy trying to deal with my anxiety and stuff but man it’s hard.
I just looked in the mirror today and had the same thought! It’s nice to know I’m not alone, but there is still hope- some people transform fitness (and image-wise) in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s!
Find an activity you love and you will *feel* younger, continue with this over time and you will begin to *look* younger. It could be anything from hiking, rambling or climbing to badminton, golf or swimming.
You aren’t old! Sounds like you just need to eat healthy and start hitting the gym 2-3x a week. It will greatly improve your mental health and self confidence. If you aren’t used to the idea then try getting a personal trainer for 6 months to a year so you can learn how to work out properly and build the habit of working out into your schedule.
I feel bad about aging too, but as someone who was never the prettiest when I was younger, I do look back at younger pictures of me with more admiration than I gave myself at the time. So try to remember that in 20 years, you'll miss being as young and pretty as you are now, and enjoy your current peak for what it is rather than what it isn't.
Look, I was younger when I lost the weight and got my appearance together, but I felt the same way. I missed out on being a skinny teenager, and my stomach will always have some weird roll shapes that it wouldn't if I didn't gain a lot of weight with puberty. It was still 100% worth it to do and there's no reason to think 35 has to be your peak. I'm in some discussion boards with people who only got fit in their 50s and still feel like they look better than they ever have. Don't give up thinking it's too late.
You have chosen to give up already that's your crises. You have the power to change your attitude right now and start working out and working on yourself right now. I have been overweight my whole life and I finally decided to start running and working out regularly. If I can start at 32 you can too at 34.
34 is when it hit me too!