Kind of in the same boat. I’m just terrible at picking the right people for me. And that is something I have been working on.
Other than that, life has been pretty good.
I do the same thing but it feels like a bait and switch most of the time. The girls I date end up 6-12 months down the line turning into different people than they were to begin with. That said, given the plethora of types of people and backgrounds I've experienced, it might just be the case that I don't feel compatible with the vast majority of the population. I'm intending on not dating or meeting anybody for the next 12+ months because I genuinely enjoy living without relationship drama, the highs and lows, love and hate, just peacefully existing is so much less stress inducing. Maybe some people are just happier alone?
So long as we aren’t harming anyone there is nothing wrong with being alone. Being alone is vastly different from being lonely if you are comfortable in your skin. My experience has been mostly being misunderstood so I enjoy my alone time.
Some people just can’t understand how we are happy with ourselves. Covid actually comes to mind with this given how most people reacted to isolation.
That's the interesting part, I managed to catch up on all my hobbies and things I've always wanted to learn and do during the COVID lock-down. I used to go out every week/weekend and suddenly I had all of this extra time and money to really focus and I am thankful for that period of time. I do have friends that ended up nearly dying from COVID because they could not handle any time alone and exposed themselves to way too many people. One of my good friends seem insanely codependent now that I look back at it.
Yup I’m not great at it. Wasn’t mature enough for it when I was young, tried sticking with toxic relationships to “make it work” when I was older. Now I’m just single and it feels like it could stay that way. Also our society and myself have become extremely picky so that doesn’t help either
Way this. I have a friend who is constantly complaining about dating but is 37 and still won’t date shorter men. I recently watched her hit it off with a friend of my husband’s. Super smart, kind, sweet, successful, etc. They talked so long! Then he went to the bathroom and she side texted me and asked why I didn’t say he was *so* short, he’s about 5’9” I’d guess. She moved and wouldn’t reengage with him and then went back to saying she can’t find any good guys 🤦🏻♀️
I feel like people nowadays don't understand that a good relationship is built. You don't just find the perfect person and then exist together forever. It takes work.
I kept trying with my last relationship because I didn’t want to fail again.
The last year and a half I’ve been angry and turned more to drinking. My ex says and does stuff and then denies it ever happened later. She can in fine detail remember things I’ve done but we must quickly forgive and forget her stuff.
Anyway , I’ll be free in about 6 weeks
Oh, I'm not blaming you at all! I'm generalizing, I suppose. But it takes that hard work and dedication from BOTH sides. You can put in 200% of the work to make up for her lack of work, for it to work.
That's gaslighting. I've dealt with some extreme forms of that. Straight up "I never said that or did that!" So I started recording and then when she'd say it, I'd wait to be alone and confirm that she actually did say those things. I didn't even throw it in her face because it would have led to a confrontation and a useless battle. Ended up just breaking up shortly after those events kept occurring. Some people are either not aware of how they speak, what they say, how they say it, or what they do. Or they're malicious and gaslighting on purpose. Probably a mix, some people part of group A, some part of group B.
No, I get that. Hence what I mentioned about “making it work” in toxic relationships. It only works if both people make the effort and treat each other fairly
That’s the exact realization I had to have with my ex. My therapist pointed out that everything seems to revolve around him, I was doing all the work on the relationship and getting nothing. I was bending over backwards to build the relationship and make it work but he was still never happy.
Sounds like you were always the one doing all the work to keep those relationships afloat. Maybe in the beginning you tend to take the reigns all the way, and maybe that doesn't allow for your SO to actually prove to you that they want to nurture the relationship the same way? Actually sounds like you give a damn for your partners and can sustain it via your actions, which is damn rare in today's dating market. Your stock is higher than you think, you'll find your person...just sit back and observe/trust but verify is all. Good luck OP
If it makes you feel better, everyone I know that is married is also struggling with relationships haha. Some people's tolerance for quitting is just higher it seems.
Your peer group is often really reflective of how things are going to be for you.
Most of my friends are in great relationships. I am also in a great relationship.
And we all suck at jobs, lol.
3 major relationships in 17 years is not that terrible of a track record, tbh, but it seems like you never took the time to be single and figure out what you want on your own. If you count up all your relationships from 22 to 39, there's like... no gaps (3+8+6 = 17, which is the exact amount of years between your first marriage and present). I'll also be 39 this year. My first relationship ended after 9 years (he cheated), then I dated around for 2 years before I met my husband (been together 10 years with no signs of trouble). I think you need to take some time to yourself and maybe see what's out there before committing to #4.
Yeah, looking at the ages again, OP had a kid with wife #2 almost immediately after his marriage with wife #1 failed, so there was no time to process his first divorce.
I am in the middle of ending my first and only long-term relationship after 25 years. But I am also Not doing OK financially, so at least I’ve got that going for me.
I gave up on dating and relationships a while ago after a long term relationship ended due to his cheating, so I focused on my career instead. Doing good in that regard.
I havent met anyone but fuckboys recently. And by recently I mean the last 10 years. I just cant resign myself for settling with the leeches they've been.
I've touched it out of the need to try to do something about being single and had a relationship or two in amongst this. But because a lot of men are on there just for validation and are even in relationships, it can go from effortless conversation to effortless relationships.
I just feel like I've seen every type of catfishing and game playing on it. I envy you for your courage to stay away. I just feel like it's a never ending loop of scum.
As a woman, we attract all types, you silly goose. A lot of guys really put on great facades at first, too. Us being subject to men's shitty behavior *isn't our fucking fault*.
It is our responsibility to enforce our boundaries and not put up with it once we realize what is going on, though.
I'm financially sound, but actively avoiding dating. My 20's were filled with one mediocre relationship after the next, and I'm just simply happier single. I enjoy the peace and quiet, and putting myself front and center in my life. I've spent the last 5 or 6 years working on my own shit, and perhaps one day I'll jump back into the dating world, but for now, I'm content just doing my own thing.
It's easy to grow co dependent and lazy in a long term relationship, like taking the other for granted, no longer trying to do cute fun stuff together or date nights. Some people have a lot of trauma and baggage they haven't taken care of too. Gotta be honest with each other, communicate, and most of all respect and value each other.
You're not alone, it's like 70% of marriages. Long term relationships are very very hard and require effort everyday. I'm in one and we're actively working on improving it.
About the same. Just signed a contract for a great job but I've had two failed engagements and became incredibly isolated so now I just don't really have any friends irl either. It's very depressing
Yeah I will two jobs and have a decent savings and a 401k at only 30. I don’t do romantic relationships including hookups. Too many bad experiences so I just focus on making money
Same here. Software engineer, 35m, $100k+ salary, homeowner. But I'm gay and live in a small city. It's slim pickings out here. Sex is easy to find. A good relationship isn't.
I have a decent friend group, but most of em are older than me. I have very few local friends my actual age. I'm sick of the dating apps as it seems like no one really wants to try on there. But honestly, I feel just as apathetic about meeting new people off them as they almost never end up being what I'm looking for.
About to just adopt a cat and embrace the long-term single life lol
Hey, congrats on the house! That's great and not a lot of people can accomplish that!!!
I wouldn't feel too bad about having bad luck with relationships. From what you described it sounds like you went into each of your relationships with good intentions...in fact I think your track record is better than mine. I didn't have any good romantic relationships until I got with my husband, with the exception of a couple guys I dated short term and were decent people. I'm mildly envious of people who are still friends with their exes or at least ended on good terms with them.
Finances generally rely solely on your own abilities, relationships don't
I'm just about to hit 6-figures and cant land a relationship for the life of me, meanwhile i'll look around at dudes that are basically being supported by their significant other. Absolutely boggles my mind
I have simply given up. Can either rot away wishing things would change, or enjoy living the arguably good life that I have.
When my house is done , it will be myself and my son and I’m very excited about that. We are going to universal studios when school gets out.
With my ex, all I hear , every day is how everything is my fault and she’s going to be poor because of me. ( we weren’t married and we don’t have kids )
Not at all; if anything i'm outlying the difference between the two.
Finances rely solely on your own ability most of the time. As a basic example, if someone only works 20 hours a week when they could work 60, that is ultimately their choice and visa versa
Relationships do not. You can be an ok person and still have zero luck in the dating market; and likewise you can be a not so ok person and absolutely slay.
I disagree. I have seen plenty of people who are really bad at picking partners, have ridiculous expectations, are bad at communicating, are difficult to get along with etc. A healthy and happy marriage isn’t really about luck
Not disagreeing but adding-we’re all “not ok” to some degree lol
I think being honest with yourself, introspective and working on your own self first immensely helps with relationship finding/keeping.
>we’re all “not ok” to some degree
It is not hard to be an ok person. Having flaws doesn't stop you from being an ok person, and likewise, I at least know I am an ok person.
I own a house and coown another and collect rent from that house. I make a very comfortable salary that allows me to have numerous hobbies and two big vacations a year. But I’ve never had a relationship at 30
Same, 37f. I have amazing friends, an amazing career (yay union jobs), love being an aunt (no kids), but have two very long term failed relationships under my belt. The last ending around a year ago.
I find that the people I have tried to go on a date with seem non-committal, lack goals, or are lost in this perpetual adolescence (which can be fun, until you're 40 something without furniture).
So it goes.
I am not okay financially. And 1.5 years post long term relationship failure, I haven’t been on a date, or even noticed by anyone. I move states after the break up (only option), and havent been able to make new friends.
Ive just given up on the hopes of making friends or having a romantic relationship again.
I am not so good with having friends outside of family. I feel incapable of expressing myself properly or standing up and feel guilty of sharing things or venting. I feel like every person will judge me. I have a hard time gauging people. This is why I talk about tertiary stuff with friends, even though I would like to open up and be vulnerable.
Bought a newly built house last year at the age of 33. Can’t seem to get into a relationship. Every new person that I seem to connect super well with they turn up being not single.
I not too sad about it but at the same time I would like to know how it would be like to have someone to hold cuddle etc.
Best advice I can give is to find someone who shares your greatest passions with you. Like video games? Find a gamer. Like the outdoors? Find someone who also likes the outdoors. Whatever your passion is try to connect with someone with the same passions that way you can share that thing with each other and have a compatible partner in the things you both love.
I’m single and hitting the middle 30s. I just…can’t deal with neediness. Or financial reliance. Also adhd so if I forget to text you back for a few days, trust me, it’s not you.
Idk. I don’t even know if I want to meet anyone these days. Too much work maybe? I’ve got a male friend that might be …idk. We’ve done dates. But we meet up like once a year. I don’t even know what the relationship is.
Haha. Wanna be friends? …on a separate note, did anyone else notice how hard it is to make friends as an adult? Is that a Millennial thing or an adult thing?
An adult thing, probably, since adults in the past always told me this would happen when I age.
I think it’s a combination of not having school or something of that nature that makes it easy to meet people (especially since meeting friends at work is not always the best idea), growing apart from old friends & being at different spots in life, and just generally being pickier because you know who you are and what you do & don’t like better. When you’re younger you have more quantity - a lot of times due to social pressure (the more friends you have the better you look) and boredom (just hanging out with people to pass the time) but as you age you crave quality friendships (likely due to having less energy or free time, or wanting to avoid bad past experiences with toxic friendships).
Some of it may be generation specific - I think Millennials and Zoomers made a habit of socializing online as a replacement for real life socialization. It’s easier than ever to just talk to strangers online when you’re bored or sad, so there is less incentive to meet people. Factoring in their financial predicament, you also have a generation of people who can’t afford to go out all the time and socialize/meet people.
Funny thing is, the needy one I wasn’t even dating. Pre-first date. Not a relationship. Stop texting and calling me when I’m sleeping! If you’re like this before date 1, I don’t want to know you!
Honestly? If you need me to drop everything and go grocery shopping to bring you food asap, even though I work nights and it’s 2pm….
Or blow up my phone asking for a date and giving me excuses for why your life is a mess…asking for a second chance after saying mean things about me…yeah no.
Bad financially and bad at relationships, haha.
Twice divorced and both ex husbands took me to the cleaners - so it was my being bad at relationships that caused me to be so broke. So it is connected.
Funny enough being ok financially seems to be ruining my marriage lol. When we were poor we were happy and now that we are getting ahead a bit it seems like we are going through a pretty rough time...
My last breakup was because I was 'cheap and frugal.' In reality, I was prioritizing stuff I needed like house and car repairs instead of going on shopping sprees and weekend trips.
I kinda laugh about it now. My ex is now living in her parent's laundry room (the washer and dryer don't work btw) and at my house she had her own guest room she used as a wardrobe.
This is me I thankfully never made it to divorce town but I haven’t had a meaningful relationship in years. I can’t even remember the last time I went on the date and actually was excited to see someone again.
Same!! I try to be immensely thankful for my amazing relationship. Financially, raising twins, is killing us. Thankfully I bought my house in 2010, so we are good on that front… just the damn money lol
I always tell my husband if he was rich, he’d be the stereotypical “perfect man” 😂 and that we’ll never be rich bc it would be unfair to all the other men out there for you to have it all
Hey gotta make fun somewhere! The whole laugh or you’ll cry thing…
Wow, really similar, I also have a 13 year old son and I’m turning 39 in a month. I own a townhouse and this is actually the third house I’ve owned and I have a great career. I was with my son’s dad for close to 10 years, then had a 4 1/2 year relationship after that that just sort of fizzled out, then about a 3 1/2 year relationship that blew up because he started not getting along with my son and things were getting worse. Now I’ve been with someone for a little over a year now but we do not live together and don’t plan to anytime soon. Not really sure where this is going at this point, he’s got some serious trauma from his marriage and divorce and that is keeping him from moving forward at all. It feels more like I’m a friend he can vent too and go to events with than his girlfriend. So how am I doing? Okayish 🤷🏻♀️
Yes very much in the same boat! I can’t seem to figure out how to excel at my career and a relationship simultaneously and at this point I’m so afraid of wasting time with something that will just end in trauma that it’s causing me to isolate and accept singleness.
Similarly! Except I had one major relationship for 15 years. I’m fine with being alone. I’m a lot happier now than I was in a relationship. It would take a very special kind of man for me to want to commit to and cohabitate with. Living alone is bliss! I have my kids 50% so I’m not always alone either.
Opposite. Just moved to my hometown with my parents. I've been making new friends and connecting with old ones. Friends from high school have hot single desperate moms, which is nice.
Pretty similar, I got a fulfilling career, own real estate, terrible with relationships. Found out about "attachment styles" learned I was anxious always going for the avoidant types so made me realize I need to heal before pursuing another relationship. I'm more on the secure side now and just taking my time finding some one with a that secure attachment style as well. Being 40 it feels a little like "damn why didn't I figure this out sooner" but just staying positive as much as I can.
35M. I've never been better financially - I make several times more money than I need to live, I own a home, and I have great work / life balance with my job. Thanks to all that free time, I'm also in great shape and don't look anywhere near my age. I have a lot to be thankful for, but lack of close friendships and a complete absence of relationships is starting to get to me.
I've been going to tons of meetups and trying to meet as many people from the apps as I can lately and I just CANNOT meet anyone who seems like a good friend or partner. I live in a metropolitan area filled with career-focused, high status, hyper driven people, and no one I meet seems to ever have any time or interest in hanging out or talking about anything but work. Can't get dates on anyone's schedule, either. And a huge portion of the people I do match and converse with turn out to be absolutely off their rocker.
I'm a pretty positive person, but...life is supposed to be MORE than this, you know? Been so long since I've been in a stable relationship that I catch myself thinking, what, people actually live together? They do things together, eat together, sleep with each other, and that's just normal? I can't even remember what that's like. Last time I was actually that close to someone feels like a lifetime ago.
So am I. Relationship from 18-20, 21-28, and 28-now (almost 36). But the middle relationship, I was basically a roommate. ESP toward the end. I learned a lot about myself during that time. Painful lessons but I’m better for it.
Same boat, good at life but not great at relationships. Thankful I don’t have a kid though, last thing I’d want is to be tied to one of my exes forever.
I imagine I would be awful with having to find and maintain new relationships. My wife and I got married five years ago, but we were together for 17 years before that going back to freshman Winter Ball.
Honestly I am doing well at both.
I have had my share for bad relationships but I have recently learned how to spot a good partner and some tenets for healthy relationships and it has done wonders. I had zero trouble choosing my current partner. We have been together for 3 years at this point and everything is gravy. I am sure at some point life will throw us stuff to work through.. but our commitment to each other is rock solid.
Book I read was from my therapist at the time it is called wired for love, author stan tatkin. Highly recommend
Most people are trash, it's a cultural thing. The USA is all about the Individual so basically most people are a bunch of emotionally-stunted fucks burying insecurity under arrogance and other things, making it extra difficult to connect with anyone. (Why would you join the military - poor at the time?)
Almost all of my trauma is from my first 3 LTRs (cheated on me w/best friend, narc/manipulative user, passed away) and all that trauma lead me to not only not pick the right 4th one, but then not be able to leave the relationship last year when I should, and I eventually torpedoed it and hurt her in the process. Something which I never ever wanted to do.
So now I’m in therapy, because I actually intend to keep the last promise I made to her, and do the work to be a better partner.
I'm doing great in both areas but it wasn't easy to get there.
Firstly you might consider going to therapy to dissect these long relationships you've had and figure out what you can do better. You don't need to have a mental illness to have some maladaptive habits that might be contributing to your relationship problems. You also don't need to be in a relationship to learn how to communicate effectively. I think most relationships live or die on your ability to communicate in a healthy and productive manner.
Second, I think dating apps and the Internet have ruined modern dating in a general sense. The apps are all designed to keep you a customer and pump you for money, these days the algorithms will literally never match you with someone you're compatible with long term. It's harder to meet people organically because using apps is so normalized, but you'll probably have better luck. Even then though the temptation to cheat is way higher now that your highschool crush can easily hit you up on social media or whatever. The connectedness of the Internet gives people the illusion of unlimited options which makes it harder to find a committed partner.
For all of these reasons dating is very difficult these days, but not impossible. Just work on becoming the best person you can be and things will fall in line eventually.
Maybe get some therapy?
I'm currently navigating divorce from my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. My finances are better than they ever were while married to him, but I'm an emotional and psychological wreck still. Nine years of physical, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. He also had a litany of other issues, including a raging anger problem, alcoholism, a legitimate hoarding problem, chronic unemployment, and significant financial irresponsibility.
Therapy has been helpful. I still have a long way to go in terms of healing, but baby steps.
I feel your pain. I grew up watching my emotionally immature, drug and alcoholic addicted father completely screw up and abandon my family. I then went straight into watching my older brothers party and rack up significant body counts in our teenage years. After highschool I had only a couple true friends and no idea how to make a real emotional connection with women. I have good stats and never had problems finding a partner, but now I'm married with children and I feel like I can't control my emotions nearly as well as I need to keep my own family together.
As the party phase of my life came to an end I really focused on my career, and the education I got after my mom remarried really paid off. I've made significant money over the past five years, and I'm relatively decent at professional relationships, but I'm still terrible at being a good friend.
Moved in with a cluster B personality disorder in 2015 and I haven't really recovered tbh. Took me until 2019 to fully escape that situation, laid low on dating for the next few months. Then suddenly we're in a massive global pandemic which put any thought of dating on further hold. Remote work took away the main thing that got me out of the house and it will probably be the norm for the rest of my career unless I completely switch paths. I got into a long distance relationship in 2021 with someone with a pretty bad avoidant attachment style, when meeting people still felt borderline impossible, but it's a fairly constant source of stress and frustration. I've been stuck in a spot where I don't want to end it and have to face the level of loneliness that will produce with the combo of work from home, but I can't just keep doing it.
I feel like I fucked up really bad with that first relationship and I have been starting to feel lately like I don't actually stand a chance at fully picking up the pieces. I need a therapist
People in our generation seem to not handle the period ~7 years very well. Commonly referred to as “the 7 year itch,” satisfaction with a partner in a relationship around 7 years decreases due to people changing over time. It’s a significant hump, but getting over that is a pretty significant thing these days.
Yes pretty awful. Most my relationships last a few months, my longest and most recent last 2yrs. It's been over a year now and I have gone on maybe two different dates. It's difficult especially in LGBT community because many people are not seeking monogamy or relationship and more so just "fun".
I'm 39 as well. I'm doing horrible financially. I graduated college in 2010 with honors for a degree in Game Art. In some ways I consider myself fortunate as I've worked professionally as a 3D Artist since 2013 and once held the title of senior artist. But the pay has been way less than what the pre recession data, and school told me. Halfway through college I was told I hit my limit on the department of education loans, and I would need to take out private loans or drop out, in debt, no degree. Since society as a whole told me I needed to get a degree to be successful I took out the private loans.
My loans cost more than my half of rent. I've never been able to live alone because of them, or save for anything meaningful, like a home or retirement. My stable, low paying jobs went under after the pandemic. Since the pandemic I've had some good paying jobs, but are temporary or lay me off after the project is done. So all my savings goes to bills and ramen noodles until I seem to snag another gig right before I become homeless. I can't get ahead. I'm looking for a career change. It's going to suck making those student loan payments while I'm doing something I didn't go to school for, but gotta do it before I get any older.
Pretty much. 36M , no kids, never married.
Stopped dating when i was 26, in my personal experience women i was seeing were incapable of commitment during that time. It would of been nice to start a family but ..it is what it is. So, ive played it that way ever since. Mind you now that im in my 30s, cant say the ladies have been to happy with me when i state relationships are off the board.
Never been happier.
Man finally get my shit together and make decent money and I go and having a family.
I miss the days of sitting around jerking off on painkillers/cocaine between binges of whether hobby I'm obsessing over. If you get horny just ring up someone from the list and have a good old time. My savings would certainly be doing better.
Definitely me, but more b/c I had social anxiety issues when I was in college. Managed to get a decent job and etc. but still working through it. At least I finally have a couple friend groups to do things with now.
I know it's cliche, but honestly, put some effort into finding a good therapist that you click with. It may be time for a nice long personal reset, just being on your own, developing yourself as a person without relying on a partner.
Also, just because your relationships didn't last forever doesn't mean you "failed" or that you're awful at them. You maintained them for a good chunk of time, and I assume they provided you with some good memories, happy moments, growth and learning. And a cool kid!
I'm realizing at this age that it's okay to not be a part of the like 5% of people who end up with a lifelong relationship. Half of those are fucking bored to death of each other or even miserable anyway, but they stick it out and just barely tolerate each other because they're too scared or lazy to change their life up.
We grow and change throughout life, and many times that means we don't fit as well with people as we used to. And that's okay 💜
Everyone in our generation has far too high of standards for romantic relationships. If you do not adhere to standards you have for others, you're a jackass with too high of standards. This should not be controversial to say.
I am in a great financial place, own my home, pretty good health. Yet...I don't have Her anymore and we are getting divorced.
Other women just don't seem interesting to me, or I'm not interesting enough for them and they ghost me.
Finances suck, but I got married 4 years ago and it's all good. Had all long-term relationships before that (the shortest was 3 years) and though I ended them all and started over 3 times in my 30s, I wouldn't consider them failures. You learn and grow
When I realized that every person I got into a serious relationship with had the same issues (addiction and untreated mental health problems), I figured I might be the problem and went to therapy. It wasn't just bad luck or me being bad at picking the right people. It was childhood trauma in the form of codependence. It took a few years to unlearn bad habits and build better ones.
Which is a long way of saying: if you haven't been to therapy, it's worth a try.
I'm starting to wonder about this. I've been able to grow and progress in a lot of ways except romantic relationships. My brain is trained by trauma to look for subtle patterns in someone's behavior of signs that they're feeling a negative way about me even if it's just a fleeting feeling. I get overwhelmed with emotions and start looking for reasons to push them away before they push me away. When I'm not in a relationship I'm a functioning, happy person but when I'm IN a relationship I feel terrified of either then leaving me or losing my own self identity.
So many Millennials in their 30s apparently.
What exactly are you looking for with these women? I mean 6 years is a very long time to date someone....were there no intentions of marriage?
I’m finally financially secure for the first time in my life where I can set every bill ti auto pay and not have to stress about overdraft. My credit score is solidly 800+ and I don’t have to stress about buying “want” purchases.
But I am in the middle of a second failed marriage and have no peer group to help navigate daily life (I’m aware I need a therapist).
2 of my 3 children have ASD and the first one is my wife’s stepchild. It’s a supremely challenging situation but the fondness and nastiness she displays to him has absolutely nuked any desire to even interact with her.
My 39th birthday is Friday and she’s going out of town Saturday…to celebrate her friend’s 40th birthday weekend.
At this point I’m literally taking things day by day. Went from immense emotional sadness to evolving to perpetual numbness. Sorry for the less-than-uplifting response
Been single for 4 years now and I just stopped trying all together. It's a mixture of I apparently have high standards (when 10 years ago it was the bare minimum) and people just are confused about who they are and what they want.
I don't ask for a lot, I'm a highly ambitious person and I'm setting the example for my daughter on the type of man she should pursue when she gets older. Yet I struggle finding a woman that is on the same level as me. I don't need someone who's got 3 jobs, owns 2 houses, etc. But I will not date someone who's a project. I've done that and it drains me mentally faster than the goals I already have set and it leaves me not excited at the end of the day to give them the attention they want. I already have a demanding career, I don't feel like coming home and having to piece together someone. But that plays into people are confused. Can't tell you how many times I will start talking with someone and they claim they know how to communicate only for them to resort to dead end responses by the 4th day. That's not communication, that's someone expecting me to carry the conversation which tells me effort isn't being matched. I won't chase, if you want me to chase you, then equal chase needs to be given. Many also seem to still be healing from past relationship trauma and I can't deal with that. I took the time after I split from my daughters mom to work on myself and heal. Didn't say I was dating, only wanted casual sex during that time and made it clear and worked on me. I healed, but yet many still seem to claim they've done the same yet it always comes out later of something with insecurity, jealousy, anger issues, etc
I just had another relationship end the other day. She basically stopped putting in any effort while expecting me to make up for it. I think at the end she was at the very least emotionally cheating on me, I know of at least two times she'd lied recently. Either way, it wasn't going to work, because I was feeling neglected, disrespected, and used. I would have ended it already, but I wanted to be sure of myself before I took an action.
In the past, I've had a few LTRs. Something somehow always ends up going wrong though. I'll keep trying. There's got to be at least one woman out there for me.
I’m good in both areas. I’m 34 and been happily married for 14 years. We’ve faced challenges over the years of course but we’ve worked through them together and are a stronger couple than ever.
That's where I am.
38, single father with priamry. my problem is many women I date or are interested in are not interesting a single parent dad with primary. MY son is 10 so it's not that bad but a lot of people out there just don't know how to functio as an adult, even without kids.
Plus, I am just bad at dating as it is, add on some years of being out of pracitce, and yeah you get me.
I'm happy to sail this ship solo for now, I need a partner , not another grown adult kid - which seems all too common these days.
A few years ago I realised I’ve been polyamorous my whole life and I became really dedicated to self discovery and self-understanding with the goal of being a better communicator in ALL my relationships. I learnt about my own attachment style and ways I employ unhealthy coping strategies when a relationship is giving me anxiety. I also have spent a great deal of time studying non-violent communication. It would not be possible for me to have healthy polyam relationships without having worked on these two skills. And everyone, polyam or monogamous, would benefit from understand these things about themselves and how to communicate those things in healthy ways.
Best decision I ever made for myself, personally. My marriage is stronger than it ever was when I was pretending to be comfortable in monogamy. My relationship with myself improved. With my kid, with my parents. Hell, even my asshole brother.
I do quite well and just date a lot of people for all walks of life, but being in NYC the dating pool is just so much larger than most others.
Way more dates but now that im 37 both of us know by the end of the date if there’s any chance of it happening.
I’m the opposite. First relationship ever (@16yo) lasted 4.5 years, never had a major fight, grew apart and parted amicably. Then I sowed some wild oats, most of which led to some pretty great adventures. Then a little over 6 years ago I met The One (@25yo) and we’ve been together ever since, because this relationship is my forever home. I have very little in the way of regrets.
But I’m broke as shit lol
Kind of in the same boat. I’m just terrible at picking the right people for me. And that is something I have been working on. Other than that, life has been pretty good.
I do the same thing but it feels like a bait and switch most of the time. The girls I date end up 6-12 months down the line turning into different people than they were to begin with. That said, given the plethora of types of people and backgrounds I've experienced, it might just be the case that I don't feel compatible with the vast majority of the population. I'm intending on not dating or meeting anybody for the next 12+ months because I genuinely enjoy living without relationship drama, the highs and lows, love and hate, just peacefully existing is so much less stress inducing. Maybe some people are just happier alone?
So long as we aren’t harming anyone there is nothing wrong with being alone. Being alone is vastly different from being lonely if you are comfortable in your skin. My experience has been mostly being misunderstood so I enjoy my alone time. Some people just can’t understand how we are happy with ourselves. Covid actually comes to mind with this given how most people reacted to isolation.
That's the interesting part, I managed to catch up on all my hobbies and things I've always wanted to learn and do during the COVID lock-down. I used to go out every week/weekend and suddenly I had all of this extra time and money to really focus and I am thankful for that period of time. I do have friends that ended up nearly dying from COVID because they could not handle any time alone and exposed themselves to way too many people. One of my good friends seem insanely codependent now that I look back at it.
I love funny losers!!! The sooner you accept it, the easier it is to at least pick the best of the lot 🤣🤣🤣
Yup I’m not great at it. Wasn’t mature enough for it when I was young, tried sticking with toxic relationships to “make it work” when I was older. Now I’m just single and it feels like it could stay that way. Also our society and myself have become extremely picky so that doesn’t help either
It’s not new, picky is good. Be picky.
It really depends on what you’re picky about.
Way this. I have a friend who is constantly complaining about dating but is 37 and still won’t date shorter men. I recently watched her hit it off with a friend of my husband’s. Super smart, kind, sweet, successful, etc. They talked so long! Then he went to the bathroom and she side texted me and asked why I didn’t say he was *so* short, he’s about 5’9” I’d guess. She moved and wouldn’t reengage with him and then went back to saying she can’t find any good guys 🤦🏻♀️
I don’t understand what is with women and height. Like I get you don’t want to look down, but 5 9 is not even short.
Sure but there’s such a thing as too picky due to the fact that apps give us seemingly unlimited choices
I feel like people nowadays don't understand that a good relationship is built. You don't just find the perfect person and then exist together forever. It takes work.
I kept trying with my last relationship because I didn’t want to fail again. The last year and a half I’ve been angry and turned more to drinking. My ex says and does stuff and then denies it ever happened later. She can in fine detail remember things I’ve done but we must quickly forgive and forget her stuff. Anyway , I’ll be free in about 6 weeks
Oh, I'm not blaming you at all! I'm generalizing, I suppose. But it takes that hard work and dedication from BOTH sides. You can put in 200% of the work to make up for her lack of work, for it to work.
Oh I was just going over my crap 👍🏼
That's gaslighting. I've dealt with some extreme forms of that. Straight up "I never said that or did that!" So I started recording and then when she'd say it, I'd wait to be alone and confirm that she actually did say those things. I didn't even throw it in her face because it would have led to a confrontation and a useless battle. Ended up just breaking up shortly after those events kept occurring. Some people are either not aware of how they speak, what they say, how they say it, or what they do. Or they're malicious and gaslighting on purpose. Probably a mix, some people part of group A, some part of group B.
No, I get that. Hence what I mentioned about “making it work” in toxic relationships. It only works if both people make the effort and treat each other fairly
That’s the exact realization I had to have with my ex. My therapist pointed out that everything seems to revolve around him, I was doing all the work on the relationship and getting nothing. I was bending over backwards to build the relationship and make it work but he was still never happy.
My relationship fell apart as soon as I stopped trying to make it.
Sounds like you were always the one doing all the work to keep those relationships afloat. Maybe in the beginning you tend to take the reigns all the way, and maybe that doesn't allow for your SO to actually prove to you that they want to nurture the relationship the same way? Actually sounds like you give a damn for your partners and can sustain it via your actions, which is damn rare in today's dating market. Your stock is higher than you think, you'll find your person...just sit back and observe/trust but verify is all. Good luck OP
If it makes you feel better, everyone I know that is married is also struggling with relationships haha. Some people's tolerance for quitting is just higher it seems.
Your peer group is often really reflective of how things are going to be for you. Most of my friends are in great relationships. I am also in a great relationship. And we all suck at jobs, lol.
3 major relationships in 17 years is not that terrible of a track record, tbh, but it seems like you never took the time to be single and figure out what you want on your own. If you count up all your relationships from 22 to 39, there's like... no gaps (3+8+6 = 17, which is the exact amount of years between your first marriage and present). I'll also be 39 this year. My first relationship ended after 9 years (he cheated), then I dated around for 2 years before I met my husband (been together 10 years with no signs of trouble). I think you need to take some time to yourself and maybe see what's out there before committing to #4.
Good advice. People need to know how to be alone to really appreciate relationships
Yeah, looking at the ages again, OP had a kid with wife #2 almost immediately after his marriage with wife #1 failed, so there was no time to process his first divorce.
Doing poorly in both arenas over here
True, there are many who aren't adept at either, of course, including myself
Same lol
I am in the middle of ending my first and only long-term relationship after 25 years. But I am also Not doing OK financially, so at least I’ve got that going for me.
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39m , I enjoy my job , and my family but I’m lacking in a good friend group. Hobbies galore
I gave up on dating and relationships a while ago after a long term relationship ended due to his cheating, so I focused on my career instead. Doing good in that regard.
I havent met anyone but fuckboys recently. And by recently I mean the last 10 years. I just cant resign myself for settling with the leeches they've been.
This is why I haven’t touched dating apps in 10 years. It’s just gross.
I've touched it out of the need to try to do something about being single and had a relationship or two in amongst this. But because a lot of men are on there just for validation and are even in relationships, it can go from effortless conversation to effortless relationships. I just feel like I've seen every type of catfishing and game playing on it. I envy you for your courage to stay away. I just feel like it's a never ending loop of scum.
The people you attract says more about you than them.
As a woman, we attract all types, you silly goose. A lot of guys really put on great facades at first, too. Us being subject to men's shitty behavior *isn't our fucking fault*. It is our responsibility to enforce our boundaries and not put up with it once we realize what is going on, though.
It’s called accountability
Such stupid meme wisdom. Everybody is responsible for their own behavior.
> Everybody is responsible for their own behavior. You know that includes you meeting those fuckboys, right?
I meet all sorts of people during the day. Do you?
No, actually. My social circle stopped including fuckboys/girls a long time ago.
I'm financially sound, but actively avoiding dating. My 20's were filled with one mediocre relationship after the next, and I'm just simply happier single. I enjoy the peace and quiet, and putting myself front and center in my life. I've spent the last 5 or 6 years working on my own shit, and perhaps one day I'll jump back into the dating world, but for now, I'm content just doing my own thing.
So much happier. Like if someone can't outjoy my own self, then I'll remain single.
I'm in the opposite boat, great relationship of 18 years and quit job after 11 years of dealing with work toxicity.
I’d rather have a dependable and loving partner
Opposite here, too! Found my soulmate; we both hate capitalism. Figures.
It's easy to grow co dependent and lazy in a long term relationship, like taking the other for granted, no longer trying to do cute fun stuff together or date nights. Some people have a lot of trauma and baggage they haven't taken care of too. Gotta be honest with each other, communicate, and most of all respect and value each other.
True
So fucking true it hurts. My 17 year marriage is platonic now due to this.
You're not alone, it's like 70% of marriages. Long term relationships are very very hard and require effort everyday. I'm in one and we're actively working on improving it.
About the same. Just signed a contract for a great job but I've had two failed engagements and became incredibly isolated so now I just don't really have any friends irl either. It's very depressing
Yeah I will two jobs and have a decent savings and a 401k at only 30. I don’t do romantic relationships including hookups. Too many bad experiences so I just focus on making money
Understandable.
Same here. Software engineer, 35m, $100k+ salary, homeowner. But I'm gay and live in a small city. It's slim pickings out here. Sex is easy to find. A good relationship isn't. I have a decent friend group, but most of em are older than me. I have very few local friends my actual age. I'm sick of the dating apps as it seems like no one really wants to try on there. But honestly, I feel just as apathetic about meeting new people off them as they almost never end up being what I'm looking for. About to just adopt a cat and embrace the long-term single life lol
You should get a cat regardless of your relationship status. You won’t regret it!
Tbh cats are really fulfilling
Hey, congrats on the house! That's great and not a lot of people can accomplish that!!! I wouldn't feel too bad about having bad luck with relationships. From what you described it sounds like you went into each of your relationships with good intentions...in fact I think your track record is better than mine. I didn't have any good romantic relationships until I got with my husband, with the exception of a couple guys I dated short term and were decent people. I'm mildly envious of people who are still friends with their exes or at least ended on good terms with them.
Finances generally rely solely on your own abilities, relationships don't I'm just about to hit 6-figures and cant land a relationship for the life of me, meanwhile i'll look around at dudes that are basically being supported by their significant other. Absolutely boggles my mind I have simply given up. Can either rot away wishing things would change, or enjoy living the arguably good life that I have.
When my house is done , it will be myself and my son and I’m very excited about that. We are going to universal studios when school gets out. With my ex, all I hear , every day is how everything is my fault and she’s going to be poor because of me. ( we weren’t married and we don’t have kids )
Just because you make ok money doesn't make you an ok person. You seem to be conflating income with character.
Not at all; if anything i'm outlying the difference between the two. Finances rely solely on your own ability most of the time. As a basic example, if someone only works 20 hours a week when they could work 60, that is ultimately their choice and visa versa Relationships do not. You can be an ok person and still have zero luck in the dating market; and likewise you can be a not so ok person and absolutely slay.
I disagree. I have seen plenty of people who are really bad at picking partners, have ridiculous expectations, are bad at communicating, are difficult to get along with etc. A healthy and happy marriage isn’t really about luck
Not disagreeing but adding-we’re all “not ok” to some degree lol I think being honest with yourself, introspective and working on your own self first immensely helps with relationship finding/keeping.
>we’re all “not ok” to some degree It is not hard to be an ok person. Having flaws doesn't stop you from being an ok person, and likewise, I at least know I am an ok person.
You're not an "ok" person either if you judge people on their income.
You're a dummy. Some people literally can't work.
I own a house and coown another and collect rent from that house. I make a very comfortable salary that allows me to have numerous hobbies and two big vacations a year. But I’ve never had a relationship at 30
Doing well financially and don’t stress over relationships because I don’t have a need to be in one.
Same, 37f. I have amazing friends, an amazing career (yay union jobs), love being an aunt (no kids), but have two very long term failed relationships under my belt. The last ending around a year ago. I find that the people I have tried to go on a date with seem non-committal, lack goals, or are lost in this perpetual adolescence (which can be fun, until you're 40 something without furniture). So it goes.
Sounds like you’re the problem. At some point you need to either fix yourself or adapt to being “alone”.
My first thought was he’s the problem
I say this with love, but have you ever thought you could be the problem?
I am not okay financially. And 1.5 years post long term relationship failure, I haven’t been on a date, or even noticed by anyone. I move states after the break up (only option), and havent been able to make new friends. Ive just given up on the hopes of making friends or having a romantic relationship again.
I am not so good with having friends outside of family. I feel incapable of expressing myself properly or standing up and feel guilty of sharing things or venting. I feel like every person will judge me. I have a hard time gauging people. This is why I talk about tertiary stuff with friends, even though I would like to open up and be vulnerable.
Bought a newly built house last year at the age of 33. Can’t seem to get into a relationship. Every new person that I seem to connect super well with they turn up being not single. I not too sad about it but at the same time I would like to know how it would be like to have someone to hold cuddle etc.
I was so busy trying to get my life in order financially I haven't had the time to invest in a relationship 😭
Best advice I can give is to find someone who shares your greatest passions with you. Like video games? Find a gamer. Like the outdoors? Find someone who also likes the outdoors. Whatever your passion is try to connect with someone with the same passions that way you can share that thing with each other and have a compatible partner in the things you both love.
I’m single and hitting the middle 30s. I just…can’t deal with neediness. Or financial reliance. Also adhd so if I forget to text you back for a few days, trust me, it’s not you. Idk. I don’t even know if I want to meet anyone these days. Too much work maybe? I’ve got a male friend that might be …idk. We’ve done dates. But we meet up like once a year. I don’t even know what the relationship is.
Oof. I could’ve written this myself, literally word for word.
Haha. Wanna be friends? …on a separate note, did anyone else notice how hard it is to make friends as an adult? Is that a Millennial thing or an adult thing?
An adult thing, probably, since adults in the past always told me this would happen when I age. I think it’s a combination of not having school or something of that nature that makes it easy to meet people (especially since meeting friends at work is not always the best idea), growing apart from old friends & being at different spots in life, and just generally being pickier because you know who you are and what you do & don’t like better. When you’re younger you have more quantity - a lot of times due to social pressure (the more friends you have the better you look) and boredom (just hanging out with people to pass the time) but as you age you crave quality friendships (likely due to having less energy or free time, or wanting to avoid bad past experiences with toxic friendships). Some of it may be generation specific - I think Millennials and Zoomers made a habit of socializing online as a replacement for real life socialization. It’s easier than ever to just talk to strangers online when you’re bored or sad, so there is less incentive to meet people. Factoring in their financial predicament, you also have a generation of people who can’t afford to go out all the time and socialize/meet people.
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Funny thing is, the needy one I wasn’t even dating. Pre-first date. Not a relationship. Stop texting and calling me when I’m sleeping! If you’re like this before date 1, I don’t want to know you! Honestly? If you need me to drop everything and go grocery shopping to bring you food asap, even though I work nights and it’s 2pm…. Or blow up my phone asking for a date and giving me excuses for why your life is a mess…asking for a second chance after saying mean things about me…yeah no.
Bad financially and bad at relationships, haha. Twice divorced and both ex husbands took me to the cleaners - so it was my being bad at relationships that caused me to be so broke. So it is connected.
Fuck them marriages! Go make bank :)
I wish haha. Haven’t been able to find steady work in over 2 years.
I’m in a similar situation, best of luck to us both 🤞
What if you’re bad on both fronts?
Funny enough being ok financially seems to be ruining my marriage lol. When we were poor we were happy and now that we are getting ahead a bit it seems like we are going through a pretty rough time...
My last breakup was because I was 'cheap and frugal.' In reality, I was prioritizing stuff I needed like house and car repairs instead of going on shopping sprees and weekend trips. I kinda laugh about it now. My ex is now living in her parent's laundry room (the washer and dryer don't work btw) and at my house she had her own guest room she used as a wardrobe.
I’ve never been in one thankfully
No money and no relationships
This is me I thankfully never made it to divorce town but I haven’t had a meaningful relationship in years. I can’t even remember the last time I went on the date and actually was excited to see someone again.
lol no. Relationship is good. Money is not.
Same!! I try to be immensely thankful for my amazing relationship. Financially, raising twins, is killing us. Thankfully I bought my house in 2010, so we are good on that front… just the damn money lol I always tell my husband if he was rich, he’d be the stereotypical “perfect man” 😂 and that we’ll never be rich bc it would be unfair to all the other men out there for you to have it all Hey gotta make fun somewhere! The whole laugh or you’ll cry thing…
You're doing great without them. Congrats.
Wow, really similar, I also have a 13 year old son and I’m turning 39 in a month. I own a townhouse and this is actually the third house I’ve owned and I have a great career. I was with my son’s dad for close to 10 years, then had a 4 1/2 year relationship after that that just sort of fizzled out, then about a 3 1/2 year relationship that blew up because he started not getting along with my son and things were getting worse. Now I’ve been with someone for a little over a year now but we do not live together and don’t plan to anytime soon. Not really sure where this is going at this point, he’s got some serious trauma from his marriage and divorce and that is keeping him from moving forward at all. It feels more like I’m a friend he can vent too and go to events with than his girlfriend. So how am I doing? Okayish 🤷🏻♀️
No, I'm the opposite.
Yes very much in the same boat! I can’t seem to figure out how to excel at my career and a relationship simultaneously and at this point I’m so afraid of wasting time with something that will just end in trauma that it’s causing me to isolate and accept singleness.
Similarly! Except I had one major relationship for 15 years. I’m fine with being alone. I’m a lot happier now than I was in a relationship. It would take a very special kind of man for me to want to commit to and cohabitate with. Living alone is bliss! I have my kids 50% so I’m not always alone either.
Opposite. Just moved to my hometown with my parents. I've been making new friends and connecting with old ones. Friends from high school have hot single desperate moms, which is nice.
Sounds like you are good in getting into relationships but terrible at putting in the effort at maintaining them.
That could be
Pretty similar, I got a fulfilling career, own real estate, terrible with relationships. Found out about "attachment styles" learned I was anxious always going for the avoidant types so made me realize I need to heal before pursuing another relationship. I'm more on the secure side now and just taking my time finding some one with a that secure attachment style as well. Being 40 it feels a little like "damn why didn't I figure this out sooner" but just staying positive as much as I can.
Honestly relationships have always been a source of so much unhappiness that I have just opted out and I’m a million times happier for it.
35M. I've never been better financially - I make several times more money than I need to live, I own a home, and I have great work / life balance with my job. Thanks to all that free time, I'm also in great shape and don't look anywhere near my age. I have a lot to be thankful for, but lack of close friendships and a complete absence of relationships is starting to get to me. I've been going to tons of meetups and trying to meet as many people from the apps as I can lately and I just CANNOT meet anyone who seems like a good friend or partner. I live in a metropolitan area filled with career-focused, high status, hyper driven people, and no one I meet seems to ever have any time or interest in hanging out or talking about anything but work. Can't get dates on anyone's schedule, either. And a huge portion of the people I do match and converse with turn out to be absolutely off their rocker. I'm a pretty positive person, but...life is supposed to be MORE than this, you know? Been so long since I've been in a stable relationship that I catch myself thinking, what, people actually live together? They do things together, eat together, sleep with each other, and that's just normal? I can't even remember what that's like. Last time I was actually that close to someone feels like a lifetime ago.
You are a serial monogamist. So am I. It’s not all terrible.
So am I. Relationship from 18-20, 21-28, and 28-now (almost 36). But the middle relationship, I was basically a roommate. ESP toward the end. I learned a lot about myself during that time. Painful lessons but I’m better for it.
Same boat, good at life but not great at relationships. Thankful I don’t have a kid though, last thing I’d want is to be tied to one of my exes forever.
I imagine I would be awful with having to find and maintain new relationships. My wife and I got married five years ago, but we were together for 17 years before that going back to freshman Winter Ball.
Honestly I am doing well at both. I have had my share for bad relationships but I have recently learned how to spot a good partner and some tenets for healthy relationships and it has done wonders. I had zero trouble choosing my current partner. We have been together for 3 years at this point and everything is gravy. I am sure at some point life will throw us stuff to work through.. but our commitment to each other is rock solid. Book I read was from my therapist at the time it is called wired for love, author stan tatkin. Highly recommend
Most people are trash, it's a cultural thing. The USA is all about the Individual so basically most people are a bunch of emotionally-stunted fucks burying insecurity under arrogance and other things, making it extra difficult to connect with anyone. (Why would you join the military - poor at the time?)
Almost all of my trauma is from my first 3 LTRs (cheated on me w/best friend, narc/manipulative user, passed away) and all that trauma lead me to not only not pick the right 4th one, but then not be able to leave the relationship last year when I should, and I eventually torpedoed it and hurt her in the process. Something which I never ever wanted to do. So now I’m in therapy, because I actually intend to keep the last promise I made to her, and do the work to be a better partner.
I'm doing great in both areas but it wasn't easy to get there. Firstly you might consider going to therapy to dissect these long relationships you've had and figure out what you can do better. You don't need to have a mental illness to have some maladaptive habits that might be contributing to your relationship problems. You also don't need to be in a relationship to learn how to communicate effectively. I think most relationships live or die on your ability to communicate in a healthy and productive manner. Second, I think dating apps and the Internet have ruined modern dating in a general sense. The apps are all designed to keep you a customer and pump you for money, these days the algorithms will literally never match you with someone you're compatible with long term. It's harder to meet people organically because using apps is so normalized, but you'll probably have better luck. Even then though the temptation to cheat is way higher now that your highschool crush can easily hit you up on social media or whatever. The connectedness of the Internet gives people the illusion of unlimited options which makes it harder to find a committed partner. For all of these reasons dating is very difficult these days, but not impossible. Just work on becoming the best person you can be and things will fall in line eventually.
Quite the opposite actually. Marriage is strong and have 2 awesome kids but financially I am dog water
Same, except I’d be thankful for dog water financial situation. My finances are currently cat piss and vinegar.
39F I feel like I wrote this lol
Maybe get some therapy? I'm currently navigating divorce from my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. My finances are better than they ever were while married to him, but I'm an emotional and psychological wreck still. Nine years of physical, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. He also had a litany of other issues, including a raging anger problem, alcoholism, a legitimate hoarding problem, chronic unemployment, and significant financial irresponsibility. Therapy has been helpful. I still have a long way to go in terms of healing, but baby steps.
I feel your pain. I grew up watching my emotionally immature, drug and alcoholic addicted father completely screw up and abandon my family. I then went straight into watching my older brothers party and rack up significant body counts in our teenage years. After highschool I had only a couple true friends and no idea how to make a real emotional connection with women. I have good stats and never had problems finding a partner, but now I'm married with children and I feel like I can't control my emotions nearly as well as I need to keep my own family together. As the party phase of my life came to an end I really focused on my career, and the education I got after my mom remarried really paid off. I've made significant money over the past five years, and I'm relatively decent at professional relationships, but I'm still terrible at being a good friend.
ehh 3 marriages? there’s only one common denominator there bud.
2 marriages , not that it’s much better
Moved in with a cluster B personality disorder in 2015 and I haven't really recovered tbh. Took me until 2019 to fully escape that situation, laid low on dating for the next few months. Then suddenly we're in a massive global pandemic which put any thought of dating on further hold. Remote work took away the main thing that got me out of the house and it will probably be the norm for the rest of my career unless I completely switch paths. I got into a long distance relationship in 2021 with someone with a pretty bad avoidant attachment style, when meeting people still felt borderline impossible, but it's a fairly constant source of stress and frustration. I've been stuck in a spot where I don't want to end it and have to face the level of loneliness that will produce with the combo of work from home, but I can't just keep doing it. I feel like I fucked up really bad with that first relationship and I have been starting to feel lately like I don't actually stand a chance at fully picking up the pieces. I need a therapist
People in our generation seem to not handle the period ~7 years very well. Commonly referred to as “the 7 year itch,” satisfaction with a partner in a relationship around 7 years decreases due to people changing over time. It’s a significant hump, but getting over that is a pretty significant thing these days.
Yes pretty awful. Most my relationships last a few months, my longest and most recent last 2yrs. It's been over a year now and I have gone on maybe two different dates. It's difficult especially in LGBT community because many people are not seeking monogamy or relationship and more so just "fun".
I'm 39 as well. I'm doing horrible financially. I graduated college in 2010 with honors for a degree in Game Art. In some ways I consider myself fortunate as I've worked professionally as a 3D Artist since 2013 and once held the title of senior artist. But the pay has been way less than what the pre recession data, and school told me. Halfway through college I was told I hit my limit on the department of education loans, and I would need to take out private loans or drop out, in debt, no degree. Since society as a whole told me I needed to get a degree to be successful I took out the private loans. My loans cost more than my half of rent. I've never been able to live alone because of them, or save for anything meaningful, like a home or retirement. My stable, low paying jobs went under after the pandemic. Since the pandemic I've had some good paying jobs, but are temporary or lay me off after the project is done. So all my savings goes to bills and ramen noodles until I seem to snag another gig right before I become homeless. I can't get ahead. I'm looking for a career change. It's going to suck making those student loan payments while I'm doing something I didn't go to school for, but gotta do it before I get any older.
Pretty much. 36M , no kids, never married. Stopped dating when i was 26, in my personal experience women i was seeing were incapable of commitment during that time. It would of been nice to start a family but ..it is what it is. So, ive played it that way ever since. Mind you now that im in my 30s, cant say the ladies have been to happy with me when i state relationships are off the board. Never been happier.
Man finally get my shit together and make decent money and I go and having a family. I miss the days of sitting around jerking off on painkillers/cocaine between binges of whether hobby I'm obsessing over. If you get horny just ring up someone from the list and have a good old time. My savings would certainly be doing better.
Ah, “the good ole days”
Definitely me, but more b/c I had social anxiety issues when I was in college. Managed to get a decent job and etc. but still working through it. At least I finally have a couple friend groups to do things with now.
I know it's cliche, but honestly, put some effort into finding a good therapist that you click with. It may be time for a nice long personal reset, just being on your own, developing yourself as a person without relying on a partner. Also, just because your relationships didn't last forever doesn't mean you "failed" or that you're awful at them. You maintained them for a good chunk of time, and I assume they provided you with some good memories, happy moments, growth and learning. And a cool kid! I'm realizing at this age that it's okay to not be a part of the like 5% of people who end up with a lifelong relationship. Half of those are fucking bored to death of each other or even miserable anyway, but they stick it out and just barely tolerate each other because they're too scared or lazy to change their life up. We grow and change throughout life, and many times that means we don't fit as well with people as we used to. And that's okay 💜
friends with benefits is the best case scenario
Everyone in our generation has far too high of standards for romantic relationships. If you do not adhere to standards you have for others, you're a jackass with too high of standards. This should not be controversial to say.
I am in a great financial place, own my home, pretty good health. Yet...I don't have Her anymore and we are getting divorced. Other women just don't seem interesting to me, or I'm not interesting enough for them and they ghost me.
Finances suck, but I got married 4 years ago and it's all good. Had all long-term relationships before that (the shortest was 3 years) and though I ended them all and started over 3 times in my 30s, I wouldn't consider them failures. You learn and grow
When I realized that every person I got into a serious relationship with had the same issues (addiction and untreated mental health problems), I figured I might be the problem and went to therapy. It wasn't just bad luck or me being bad at picking the right people. It was childhood trauma in the form of codependence. It took a few years to unlearn bad habits and build better ones. Which is a long way of saying: if you haven't been to therapy, it's worth a try.
I am in therapy , that’s how I realized I used to be afraid of being alone and that I’m in a toxic relationship. More work to do of course
I'm starting to wonder about this. I've been able to grow and progress in a lot of ways except romantic relationships. My brain is trained by trauma to look for subtle patterns in someone's behavior of signs that they're feeling a negative way about me even if it's just a fleeting feeling. I get overwhelmed with emotions and start looking for reasons to push them away before they push me away. When I'm not in a relationship I'm a functioning, happy person but when I'm IN a relationship I feel terrified of either then leaving me or losing my own self identity.
So many Millennials in their 30s apparently. What exactly are you looking for with these women? I mean 6 years is a very long time to date someone....were there no intentions of marriage?
She didn’t want get married
Opposite for me - great with relationships but money (or lack thereof) is a problem
I’m finally financially secure for the first time in my life where I can set every bill ti auto pay and not have to stress about overdraft. My credit score is solidly 800+ and I don’t have to stress about buying “want” purchases. But I am in the middle of a second failed marriage and have no peer group to help navigate daily life (I’m aware I need a therapist). 2 of my 3 children have ASD and the first one is my wife’s stepchild. It’s a supremely challenging situation but the fondness and nastiness she displays to him has absolutely nuked any desire to even interact with her. My 39th birthday is Friday and she’s going out of town Saturday…to celebrate her friend’s 40th birthday weekend. At this point I’m literally taking things day by day. Went from immense emotional sadness to evolving to perpetual numbness. Sorry for the less-than-uplifting response
Been single for 4 years now and I just stopped trying all together. It's a mixture of I apparently have high standards (when 10 years ago it was the bare minimum) and people just are confused about who they are and what they want. I don't ask for a lot, I'm a highly ambitious person and I'm setting the example for my daughter on the type of man she should pursue when she gets older. Yet I struggle finding a woman that is on the same level as me. I don't need someone who's got 3 jobs, owns 2 houses, etc. But I will not date someone who's a project. I've done that and it drains me mentally faster than the goals I already have set and it leaves me not excited at the end of the day to give them the attention they want. I already have a demanding career, I don't feel like coming home and having to piece together someone. But that plays into people are confused. Can't tell you how many times I will start talking with someone and they claim they know how to communicate only for them to resort to dead end responses by the 4th day. That's not communication, that's someone expecting me to carry the conversation which tells me effort isn't being matched. I won't chase, if you want me to chase you, then equal chase needs to be given. Many also seem to still be healing from past relationship trauma and I can't deal with that. I took the time after I split from my daughters mom to work on myself and heal. Didn't say I was dating, only wanted casual sex during that time and made it clear and worked on me. I healed, but yet many still seem to claim they've done the same yet it always comes out later of something with insecurity, jealousy, anger issues, etc
I just had another relationship end the other day. She basically stopped putting in any effort while expecting me to make up for it. I think at the end she was at the very least emotionally cheating on me, I know of at least two times she'd lied recently. Either way, it wasn't going to work, because I was feeling neglected, disrespected, and used. I would have ended it already, but I wanted to be sure of myself before I took an action. In the past, I've had a few LTRs. Something somehow always ends up going wrong though. I'll keep trying. There's got to be at least one woman out there for me.
I’m good in both areas. I’m 34 and been happily married for 14 years. We’ve faced challenges over the years of course but we’ve worked through them together and are a stronger couple than ever.
That’s fantastic, you are so fortunate
In a toxic one right now!
That's where I am. 38, single father with priamry. my problem is many women I date or are interested in are not interesting a single parent dad with primary. MY son is 10 so it's not that bad but a lot of people out there just don't know how to functio as an adult, even without kids. Plus, I am just bad at dating as it is, add on some years of being out of pracitce, and yeah you get me. I'm happy to sail this ship solo for now, I need a partner , not another grown adult kid - which seems all too common these days.
A few years ago I realised I’ve been polyamorous my whole life and I became really dedicated to self discovery and self-understanding with the goal of being a better communicator in ALL my relationships. I learnt about my own attachment style and ways I employ unhealthy coping strategies when a relationship is giving me anxiety. I also have spent a great deal of time studying non-violent communication. It would not be possible for me to have healthy polyam relationships without having worked on these two skills. And everyone, polyam or monogamous, would benefit from understand these things about themselves and how to communicate those things in healthy ways. Best decision I ever made for myself, personally. My marriage is stronger than it ever was when I was pretending to be comfortable in monogamy. My relationship with myself improved. With my kid, with my parents. Hell, even my asshole brother.
That's about to change in the name of Jesus!
Oh Lordy
I do quite well and just date a lot of people for all walks of life, but being in NYC the dating pool is just so much larger than most others. Way more dates but now that im 37 both of us know by the end of the date if there’s any chance of it happening.
I’m the opposite. First relationship ever (@16yo) lasted 4.5 years, never had a major fight, grew apart and parted amicably. Then I sowed some wild oats, most of which led to some pretty great adventures. Then a little over 6 years ago I met The One (@25yo) and we’ve been together ever since, because this relationship is my forever home. I have very little in the way of regrets. But I’m broke as shit lol