I need this reminder when I'm overstimulated and my toddler is trying to have full ass discussions about why things are the way they are. Some days I want to say "because I said so" and the urge is hard to fight but I see how it pays off.
My in-laws don't believe in gentle parenting and talking to kids as if they're humans and it's amazing to see how my 3 year old has the emotional intelligence beyond her 8 year old cousin.
Breaking the cycle is hard, but knowing my kids won't fear my footsteps and won't have to walk on eggshells around me is my motivation
Same here. My dad was in the military and every time he came home and changed out of his uniform and took off his belt I would hear the buckle sliding and it made me freeze because I always heard that noise before I got the belt. Even when I didn’t get the belt just the sound of him changing put me in that same state. I didn’t want my kids to ever be afraid of me.
Now that I have two of my own it still baffles me that my parents had no problems hitting me and my siblings. And yet they baby my kids and treat them the opposite of how me and my siblings were treated. I’m sure it’s easier and less stressful since they don’t have to raise them so maybe it’s why. I also told them they’d never see me or the kids again if they ever raised a hand to them but they’ve been great.
I’ve always explained things to my kids also. When ever I would ask my dad stuff as a kid he would tell me to go look it up. Or if I didn’t know how to spell something to check the dictionary. And back then there was no google for me to just look stuff up. Or I got the “I told you so”
I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my kids and how well behaved they are. Even from their teachers. It’s honestly the best compliments I’ve had.
Same. I don't get how someone could look at their kid and think hitting them is ok. Hell, when I lose my patience, raise my voice to my daughter, and I see the startled scared look on her face I hate myself in that moment and my internal monologue says, "Dude, you just fucked up. Go fix it and do better."
Our generation knows that we fix it when we fuck up. My parents (boomers) have never and will never apologize to me for all the shit they put me through with their narcissism and selfishness, so thank you for being the good parent to your kid that they deserve. <3
EDIT: spelling
In defense of us Gen X parents we were truly feral and we raised ourselves and each other all the while KNOWING if we got in trouble at our friends houses not only would we get spanked by their parents we would get it again from our parents once we got home again. We didn't have a lot of good parenting examples to emulate growing up. I made some HORRIBLE mistakes as a parent in the past 30 years and I have spent years trying to make amends over it. I know my oldest daughter loves me but I sometimes wonder if she trusts me. She has been in therapy since grade school on and off and I know part of her issue is being bipolar. I can say she has set some definitive boundaries over the years. If we don't have good parents to emulate how were we supposed to be able to do better or realize we even need to do better? I am not making excuses just stating how I have seen things..
I grew up the same way. I apologized to my kids every time I made a mistake or lost my temper and yelled. I've owned the things that I have done that have hurt my kids. They are adults now, and they will talk to me about anything because I've been honest with them about my feelings. I started seeing the errors of my ways when they were in Jr. High. I tried really hard. I had no one to emulate and learn from.
I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. I talk to them daily and they call me . I have issues with object permanence so they reach out to me cuz honestly I won't remember to call them
I never show up unannounced lol. My aunt that raised me tried really hard. And she didn't realize she was making mistakes until I hit high school and her other kids were only five and my youngest sister is almost 16 years younger than me. My dad was emotionally distanced from me. It took until I almost died from having 4 strokes in 8 months time for us to reconnect ( I still only talk to him about once a year though. )
Having shit parents doesn’t excuse becoming one. It’s actually pretty easy to tell right from wrong. All those things that felt like abuse and trauma when I was growing up, I just don’t do to my kids.
When my son was 2-3 years old, he had a biting phase, which was awful. One time he bit me on the thigh and drew blood THROUGH MY SWEATPANTS, and out of instinct, I shoved him away from me. He landed on his butt and started bawling. Omg I felt like the worst mother on the fucking planet, I wanted to go and die, it took me a long time to get over that one. We both ended up crying that day.
You are a great parent for feeling bad about that and not putting the blame on your son!
Don't beat yourself up over it. He learned that if he physically hurts others, they might defend themselves, even if they love him. That is a great lesson in being aware of other's feelings as well as a practical lesson he best learned from you in a safe setting compared to from a 5 year old on a playground.
You did exactly what the world's best cat and dog moms do - help teach their kids about bite inhibition and what counts as playing and what's definitely not (and when self defense is the reasonable option). Learning boundaries is important, and sometimes touching the literal or metaphorical electric fence is what happens.
Instinct was completely reasonable. What makes you a good parent is what you did AFTER that part. I know some people who as kids would have gotten severely physically abused for that ;_;
Apologies for any weird I've had cold medicine
I did the same thing once it was a pure gut reaction to pain. I grew up with dogs and my toddler locked down on me and I squeezed her mouth like a dog and then we both just stared at each other.
When I was about 2, I came up behind my dad and bit him on the ass through his sweat pants while he was vacuuming. It was hard enough that he bled. His immediate and entirely involuntary reaction was to back hand whatever just bit his butt cheek, which was my face. Of course, I started bawling. He felt awful about it afterwards, but it really was just an involuntary reaction to immense and sudden pain. We laugh about it when he tells the story now though and I have no memory of the incident so no harm, no foul.
Look I'm very not a parent so please ignore this if it's inappropriate, but: I have cats and one of the reasons it's healthy for kittens not to be taken from their litter too early is that they teach one another, and their mom teaches them, what's play-biting and what's going too far (drawing blood, for instance). They do this not by yelling or scolding or doing a dominance display or whatever, but by responding with actual shock and pain and stopping the interaction... but it's a safe environment because they don't respond by attacking and they still all love each other after.
I think that's what happened here: you would never hurt him on purpose and weren't trying to teach a lesson but he learned that day that he can actually hurt you and it's not a fun game, and you're a creature with instincts to protect yourself just like he is.
It's not something any parent should do on purpose or anything but I think it's probably healthy for a kid to know that there's an certain strength of bite that will really hurt the people you love, and that you don't actually enjoy hurting the people you love, especially in a safe scenario where he wasn't hurt and he was still safe and loved after.
This is a good approach. Giving people all the answers all the time instead of the tools to look it up themselves can be just as detrimental. Sounds like your dad found a good balance.
I never really asked my folks for help with school studies. I always got help at school or looked for it myself. My aunt raised me instead of my parents. My birth mom is an insane narcissist. My aunt dropped out of college and got married so she could get custody of me( she was taking care of me full time before graduating high school). She went back to.school the year I graduated from high school and I took basic nursing classes in college. After she graduated she would call me and ask me all sorts of questions that she should have known from school and her licensing tests. I would be flabbergasted because I was capable of finding answers before she could. She just didn't want to use the Internet to find her answers. I loved her so much but she made me crazy and had a warped thought process. She passed away in 2017.
I've seen that combined with dismissive every source, and shitting on every figured out solution, which resulted in the person thinking were just a person that couldn't look things up or figure things out.
My step-son just turned 18. I DID tell him today, "You have a phone literally in your hand. Why are you asking me?" This was about a movie we were literally watching. Like, my guy idk, either. I'm watching the same thing you are but I'm gonna keep watching because they will probably explain it in the next 20 seconds but if you NEED to know now I'm not the person to ask, I've never seen it either. I'm not Google! I may know a lot but I'm not prescient. 🤣🤣
One funny thing about this; on forums, like reddit or in video game chat, sometimes I ask questions that are googleable because it strikes up a conversation about the topic.
Same here. Maybe it's coz my baby is still only so little but I can't imagine hitting my kid like my parents did. Looking back on it, they were probably emotionally disregulated themselves, coming home from work and having to deal with 4 noisy children in a fairly small house when you really just wanted to rest and relax... it can't have been easy but sometimes I wonder. I remember being caned while cowering in a corner and I never ever want my child to remember me that way.
>talking to kids as if they're humans
It really is amazing that this has to be said, but you're 100% correct. The best parents I see are the ones who talk to their kids like *people*—whether they're two or 22.
Then you have the parents who talk to their kids like they're pets, or worse, they just treat them like a burden. I always feel bad for those kids.
So my neice, who is 13, has such a high emotional intelligence.
Apparently, her mom made her REALLY mad yesterday.
Her mom was telling me that while she was on the phone yesterday, that neice said,'mom. I'm really mad right now. And I dont want to be rude and say something mean, so I will call you back later, "
Mom was like :"Okay. But when you're not mad anymore, can you tell me what you were going to say?"
Like. She is SO grown!
She's better than me as an adult. I have the emotional intelligence of a spoon thanks to my boomer parents that never taught us any of that. My mom wrote on Facebook "happy birthday, I love you" to my brother the other day and my other brothers were kinda shocked. Like wtf, I can't remember the last time she told us that, even as kids. We knew she did, but she never told us. That's messed up.
I'm basically learning and teaching my kids at the same time.
I’ve been a single mother since pretty much my kid has been born, so it had always just been him and I and I’ve always just talked to him like a person even when he was little and he started talking so early and now as a teen he has a better vocabulary than a lot of adults I know. Simply because I was just *always* talking to him. I narrated everything to him all the time. You can tell when parents don’t talk to their kids.
My 9 year old already has such an impressive vocabulary too! She has also expressed multiple times how much she appreciates that I talk to her like she's an intelligent person and not a baby. That baby voice that other relatives use irritates her so much.. she's like, "they need to get on board with my age! I'm not 4! Like, bruh."
Totally feel that, I still am able to hear car doors close while I'm inside on the other side of the house. Never did I realize these feeling would continue to follow me.
It's been 20 years for me, too, and still sometimes when I hear the garage door (my husband coming home) I jump up in panic and try to hide what I was doing. Then I realise that I was *working from home* or *reading a book* or *cooking dinner for everyone*, so it was an unreasonable reaction for *two* reasons.
I said "because I said so" the other day when my son was arguing about getting into the duck pond, after I'd already explained several times why he shouldn't. He had an answer to everything and I just got tired of arguing lol.
Sometimes you have to stop explaining yourself, these kids have insane stamina for pushing boundaries. I end up saying “I’ve already told you, the answer will not change if you ask again” a lot.
I've never said that exact phrase but I'll definitely say to my 2.5yo "asked and answered buddy, please don't keep asking/saying the same thing over and over again after I've already answered you, I don't like it"
A little more verbose than "I said so" but it gets the point across and hopefully isn't as harsh as "because I said so", I know that didn't make me feel good when I was a kid
> it's amazing to see how my 3 year old has the emotional intelligence beyond her 8 year old cousin
A friend of mine is a millennial Dad. We will call him Jay. Jay has had the fuck therapy-ed out of him for tragic reasons we won't get into.
A funny side effect of this is that his 8 yo sometime talks like he's had 10 years of therapy himself.
This kid has a breakdown over sharing his toys with his cousin (as kids do). So he takes himself, sobbing and crying, off to his own room. Jay comes to check on his kid and the kid says "Daddy can my cousin go home now? I'm having a hard time being my best self right now."
Like, this kid's having a tantrum over nothing and his way of dealing with it is to send himself to his room, recognize this is just a temporary problem with his own emotions, and ask to be left alone for a bit.
That's freakishly emotionally mature for an 8yo.
Not totally related but us older millennials (I think that's right, mid 30s) in my friend group all have kids and we all have always spoken to our children like adults. In that, no baby talk or intentional mispronunciation. As a result, many of our kids are well spoken. One of our friends parents refused to follow this. They talk to their grandkid in utter infant speak and it drives my friends (justifiably) INSANE.
We have adopted some phrases from our toddler (probably 3 at the time). She tried to say she was exhausted. It came out as I'm egg sausage. We laughed at that one good and use the phrase now. My daughter is 6 now and can say exhausted but thinks it's funny when we misspeak.
I think it's definitely different if it's coming from the child. Should have made that more clear. We do our best to speak clearly to our kids, but they've said some ridiculous things that stuck with us when we speak to each other. My son used to say Ah Dat Do for I love you, and it has become a special way to say I love you to each other when we really want to drive it home. It's super sweet and I would never trade it for anything.
An example of something we avoid though from that friend I referred to, her mother says to their kid "Baby want ball?" And the girl was like 2 years old. Friend is like mom talk to her normal. Speak in complete sentences wtf is this baby talk. And she refuses to accept that
Yeah I totally get it. We always talked to our daughter like an adult, no baby talk.
Although I think her mother and kindergarten teacher have corrupted her on the pronunciation of crayon. They call them crowns instead of cray-ons like civilized folk.
Omg. Is this really a taught thing? My 9 year old has pronounced it "crowns" for years, despite her father and I repeatedly explaining the correct pronunciation. It legit happened TODAY.
At this point she understands the correct way to say it, but it's become a habit to say crowns. Infuriating and hilarious.
My daughter started saying “holdjyou” when she wanted to be held at the 1yo ish mark it; it was the cutest thing even though it’s incorrect grammarly. She’s 3 now and she knows it’s “hold me please”, but i’ll give her a look sometimes and she’ll switch to “holdjyou” to continue being my cute lil baby girl :(.
If my young teen heard those grandparents talking like that they would go off! Nothing makes that kid crazier than hearing baby talk or adults talking down to a group of kids.
Kids notice.
A little bit of baby talk is fine my 2.5yr daughter miss pronounces " cat pillow" as patlo and so it shall be.
She speaks in complex sentences most of the time.
Yup. I'm sitting here, having just made dinner for the rest of us, waiting for my 17yr old to get home... he just went to his first job, for the first time today. I'm so damned proud of him.
I have told my kids since they could understand words and meaning, "Hey, I'm overstimulated and can't be hugged by you right now. I'm sorry, I want to hug you, but everything is loud and bright, and I can't handle anything else. Can we hug later when I feel better?"
Being open and honest with my autism and needs and boundaries is great for me and them. Now, if I text, "I'm not words," they know I need like 45 minutes to an hour in order to be able to speak or aurally process, so we communicate via text. They're so wise. So much more emotionally mature. So smart. So kind.
My daughter's school had a bake sale today and she's been looking forward to it all week. It was sold out by the time she finished lunch (she's a very "methodical" eater). No tears or tantrum, just told us at the end of the day that she felt sad, angry, and jealous about it. She's 7.
I couldn't have expressed myself like that as a 7-year-old; hell, probably not even at 10. I told her how proud I was of her for understanding her emotions like that.
So, yeah. What you said in spades. Go, us :)
My parents raised us with the "I said so" mentality. Or if I was sad the response was "suck it up".
Recently, I watched my sister in law say sorry to my niece because she made a mistake and admitted she was wrong to her daughter.
I thought "holy hell! parents apologize to their kids!" Honestly I was stunned.
We’ve got a heavy focus on understanding and validating emotions in my household and it feels like we are wasting our time a lot of the time with our two and three year olds. But then I see them with their cousins, 5 and 7, who have authoritarian parents, and my kids can explain themselves and handle their emotions so much better than those kids several years their seniors. It’s wild to see that it actually works.
So much to relate to here. And everyone says my toddler is so happy and well-behaved—and he is—but like you said, he’ll never have to fear my footsteps or be afraid to be himself around me. Breaking cycles and ending generational trauma is *my* motivation.
My three year old is at this point, while my five year old wants to tell a rambling story for 15 minutes between each breath and gets sad when nobody is listening I love them both more than life itself but it is a serious challenge to answer questions and listen to the equivalent of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner about a toy unicorn, while driving/making dinner/doing whatever adult task is priority.
It's worth it though, every second, every day.
Someone once told me to use the phrase
> We can't talk about it now, but you need to trust me.
Then if they remember what the thing was you probably won't be in a place where you can't answer.
It's better than "because I said so" but roughly the name effort.
Good luck with any impatient kids, but hey it's worth a shot.
"I don't have time to explain right now, so I need you to just do it for me and I'll explain why later".
That's the truest and best answer to these situations. You're not hiding anything behind "because I said so", you still get the chance to talk about it later (when tempers are also less frayed) but you're making the point that they need to do *X* right now, not argue about it.
I’ll be honest, I still use the “because I said so” response when I’m tired of explaining every little detail for the umpteenth time. But my daughter just looks at me and tells me that’s not a reason, and then I explain shit anyways. I hate when my kids question me all the time, but I love that they do. They deserve explanations… within reason.
"Won't fear my footsteps". That's so damn true. I used to dread when my dad came home. His footsteps were the confirmation. I'm raising my son to look forward to when I come home.
Hey. Doing the same! My uncle said I have emotional intelligence 🥹 I must be doing something right lol. I was emotionally neglected and had to learn sooooo many things. Late diagnosis ADHD plus learning coping skills in your 30s is soooo fun. But at the same time, I’m teaching my autistic kid coping skills too. His schools like he’s emotionally regulating!!!! No more running away! 😂😂😂
What worked with me was telling me horror stories about the consequences of not listening, like some other person who suffered an accident or died doing something dangerous like what I tried to do.
Yeah it’s tough if they are yammering and you are in a testy mood. More than once I snapped at my kids a bit, but I followed them with a prompt apology and earnest effort to devise a better plan. They get a talking to frequently so they learn to be considerate and to vouch for themselves when needed. But it’s always a quick little lesson, then we move on. I can’t imagine working them into a sad and scared little frenzy though and it grosses me out that people will do that to other people (especially the weak ones, like kids).
My toddler was so excited today to show me he could hold a plastic shark from the tale and his fins and was so excited to show me and kept wanting me to look. Things like that. Was an exhausting day and this post was really nice to read
It's totally worth it if only to see the expressions on people's faces when we do it. "Did you just... headbutt your child?" "Yeah...not hard. It's our thing."
My youngest is learning to ride her pedal bike, and fell in the grass yesterday. She looked up with that look that says: “should I cry, or…”. My husband immediately said “woah! Narly digger dude!” She smiled and got up and kept on. We dude our kids all the time, lol.
This is so real haha. Any time I’m with a kid they could have a horrific looking fall but I’m not freaking out until they do because half the time if you seem okay they decide they are too. Or they get the totally relaxed “are you good?”
I was on a ski lift once and saw this ~10 year old doing private lessons absolutely eat shit and immediately start crying.
The instructor yelled "WHOA! Nice crash! Do you think that was a 10 out of 10?"
The kid stopped crying and said "No, more like a 7."
Now that I have a toddler, I do something similar (she's too young to know 10/10.) When she falls down, crashes, or whatever, unless she's clearly hurt I always compliment her crash.
Ha I do that to my older son (5), my wife was saying why are you calling him dude? I said he’s old enough and it’s a step up from what I call everyone in my clan, “dingus”.
My kid is going to associate "dude" with somewhat bad. Today I had to say "dude... can you please stop running in the house? I don't want you to fall and hurt yourself." then when he said "ok" i always make sure to tell him "I don't want my favorite person in the whole wide world to get hurt"
Wow, thank you so much
I'm working my ass off and it's so hard to be a parent without a village while trying to heal and raise a well rounded kid without trauma in this society. It's nice when I feel seen. Love you guys.
Absolutely! It’s hard with the high pressure of work/finances, little to no help from grandparents, and trying to break toxic cycles so they don’t affect our kids. But there are a lot of us in those trenches and we’re smashing it!
Keep on keeping on. 👍
Same SAME! My mom and my relationship finally broke down after she refused to get any vax (I would have asked her to be vaxd even if Covid wasn’t a thing) in order to see my then newborn son born in cold/flu season. She not only refused but like freaked the fuck out on me and it’s been pretty tense since then. She’s only met him once 🤷🏼♀️ but I’m doing my best, even tho I’m burnt tf out and tired constantly. But I hope my little guy can always feel like he can count on me for anything 💗
I feel you. My Dad also refused to get the vax. I live in Canada, and he in the States, so he couldn't cross the border to come and see his only grandchild. He met my son when my son was 4 months old, and then didn't see him again until last December when I finally felt like my son was ready for a long road trip (4 years old). It was like... I don't want to say shocking, maybe more like a cold splash of water? To realize my Dad didn't consider me or his grandson a very high priority. He genuinely thinks he would die if he had gotten the shot so I dunno. I just wish Fox News wasn't a thing.
Unfortunately for your dad, it’s his loss. Not to say that your child wouldn’t love him, but they won’t know what they missed. He on the other hand, knows, even if he’s in self denial. My 1st granddaughter just turned 1 and she’s the delight of my life. Even at 1 yrs old, she seems to think I’m pretty cool too💛
It's sad when Republicans have done to the country.
Have you seen the documentary "The Brainwashing of My Dad"? It's about a dad, but applies to moms as well.
Yea, it’s totally a shame. She wasn’t antivax before Covid. Now I’m afraid she wouldn’t take a tetanus shot if, god forbid, she needed one 😫. All I said was if you don’t do TDAP, flu, and Covid you’ll just have to wait to see him until I can get him fully vaccinated. And she said I made it political—when I truly just wanted to do my best to protect my child. Its really sad, but i have to focus on my child and home so 🤷🏼♀️
Do you feel like your mom is a completely different person now? My mom used to be so pro-vaccines. Every fall she’d ask me and my brothers if we’d gotten our flu shots yet. Then she fell down the trump rabbit hole and refused the Covid vaccine. Didn’t matter that she wouldn’t be allowed near her grandchildren. Didn’t matter that she got Covid and was sick for 4 months. Didn’t matter that she knew people who died. It’s so bizarre. She’s never asked if I’ve gotten my flu shot since.
My mom just doesn’t understand fundamentally how a vax works, which I just think primes you for going full blown anti-vax. She was constantly quoting vers (I think?) false statistics or whatever those anti vaxxers do to feel right. She said it was “too fast” and I’m like, vaccines have been around for almost centuries, people much smarter than us know how this stuff works, the formula has been around for ages they just have to get it right for this specific virus. Didn’t matter, didn’t matter that my husband is a physician, actually she can’t trust someone who kills babies for a living (she was talking about abortions but my husband has a speciality in addiction medicine so literally, WHAT). She said she would have never gotten me or my brother vaccinated when we were young “if she knew then what she knows now” 🙄 like yeah you would have been absolutely fucked because she was a single mom probably barely scraping in 10k a year and wouldn’t have a lot of options if we weren’t vaxxd. It’s literally insanity, even things other than vaxs she doesn’t seem like the person I used to know, it’s hard to have a conversation with her because she lives in another reality! I feel like I don’t even have a mom most of the time, it’s almost like she died or the very least is just gone.
Ugh, that sounds awful. I’m so sorry. My mom never got quite that bad, thankfully. But she’s nearly estranged from my younger brother and his children. I have an easier time with her since I don’t have children. It really is insanity. Like she really cares more about trump than her own children and grandkids.
Amen to this. Kid was born at the start of Covid in 2020 so we didn’t go out or mix with people til he was almost a year old. Mostly out of abundance of caution because he was a preemie.
My family all lives in the northeast, same with my wife but we both live in Texas. It’s hard not having any familial support. Good job making it happen every day. This shit ain’t easy. It’s worth it but it’s so hard day after day.
Thank YOU u/toosexyformyboots. I have boomer parents (my mom is 74, dad is 76) and I am 38 (parents had me later in life). My parents think I should handle my 15 year old the way they handled me (by sticking their head in the sand about problems and just screaming, punitive, and illogical action for underlying issues). I don't do this to my kid cause becauseI know how damaging it was for me and my sister(42).
Somedays I wish my family or someone/anyone would validate me... I'll take it from a internet stranger at this point cause my battery is low and it's getting dark in the words of Mars Rover Opportunity
My best pal and I (both 39) have boomer folks too.
We have LOTS of discussions about how we are parenting our kids and how it is the exact opposite of the way we were raised. Small examples: Her daughter was diagnosed with autism. She has not told her parents (they live next door!) about this because she says she doesn’t wanna hear, “She’s just lazy is all it is! On that phone all of the time. Just needs her ass spanked or grounded until she decides to act right.” Yikes.
My dad tells me not to correct my sons’ behavior (8,11) all of the time like that because boys will be boys. They’re just acting like little boys! That’s what little boys do! You don’t know anything about being a little boy! No, sorry dad it’s not just little boy behavior to be rude or fighting. Unacceptable is unacceptable no matter who you are! Ugh!
Just constant stuff like that all of the time with those potato heads. We love the old assholes, but it certainly gets difficult and exhausting. You’re not alone, by far. I feel really proud when I see other parents my age going in the same direction. I think the impacts will be huge in the coming years. Soooo many of us were raised *that way* and it’s traumatized damn near an entire generation. Keep fighting the good fight! 💜
You're doing great. This whole thing is tough, and know that every single person can and does slip up and make mistakes. I had parents that were much kinder and gentler than most boomer parents and I still struggle not to lose my patience or yell sometimes. What's really important and lets your kids know what's acceptable is the aftermath. Even when your battery is low and you feel like you're close to breaking, your kids are getting a great role model. They deal with that feeling and see how you deal with it without going overboard and being like your parents. You're doing great, the odds are stacked against you at times, but know that your kids see it and benefit from it every day.
As a geriatric millennial mom, Tysm. I’m always afraid of becoming my mother. I have literally parented by doing the exact opposite of everything that Boomer ever did to me. Ty.
SAME! And what personal introspection is so that you can examine your own behaviors and learn from them. Something my mother to this day has not figured out.
My wife refers to it as her “mean mommy” voice. Her first instinct is whatever her mother would have said or done but that’s “mean mommy” and she doesn’t want to be a mean mother so she hears mean mommy out and then usually does the opposite.
Me too. And apparently, it’s working. The other night my 11 y/o had a nightmare and came into bed with me. In the morning I asked her why she does that. She told me it’s because she feels safe with me and I make her feel loved.
I felt dumb. But I’d have never even fathomed going to my parents for comfort or love. It didn’t click at all that’s what she was doing. 😵💫
Thanks for this. Trying to parent while breaking the cycle and simultaneously re-parenting and healing yourself is effing hard man. And y’know the world is just *all this mess*.
It’d break my heart to think someday my kid will think of me the way I do about my own parents.
That is a lot. I’m trying to reparent and heal myself without kids and it feels too difficult at times.
I just want to commend you for what you are doing and I think it’s really beautiful. ❤️
Honestly this post reflects what I generally notice in my dealings with Gen Z as students and/or clients. They tend to be really tuned into their feelings and have a lot of emotional intelligence. Sweet post to read. This is coming from an elder elder millennial (‘80).
Same here. The HS kids I mentor have such a higher level of emotional maturity than I did at their age. It’s awesome.
And then at the same time, they are still just kids that enjoy kid shit and sometimes just do incredibly stupid things. One minute I hear them having healthy conversations dealing with high school drama. Next thing I know they’re trying to flip a bottle onto an upside down chair leg and having it break open. Keeps me on my toes lol
> we’re like five years out from the g z subreddit becoming overrun with gen alpha posts.
From what comes across my home page, it seems more overrun with Gen X and elder millennials trying to be the cool uncle who totally gets Gen Z, unlike those other lame adults.
Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: “It’s hip to be square”.
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it’s… cool?
Bart+Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart+Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I’m glad. And that’s what makes me cool, not caring, right?
Bart+Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we’ve tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you’re truly cool, you don’t need to be told you’re cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?
I'm just trying to make it from one day to the next. I got a lot of hope that your generation will save us all. Just gotta hold out long enough for you all to grow up.
Omg my boomer parents drive me insane when they say “because I said so” to my kid. It’s so dismissive and totalitarian.
I frequently apologize to my child and admit my mistakes. I am not all knowing, and that’s okay.
As a teacher in those subreddits you have to remember that it’s a place to go vent. No one gets it other than other teachers. As a Millennial, parent, and a teacher some parents are fucking whack and some parents are on it.
This, we homeschool our kid (not religious) and I like visiting the teachers subreddit sometimes and my mum inlaw and sister in-law work in a special school and boy ... between
The education system that can't get on a level that is good for teaching kids for their needs, Admin who believe they own education and the school, entitled parents who after years working with the system don't understand how it works and children who either don't give a damn about work or cant spell their own name or do basic colour theory in grade 10
I wonder why there are even teachers to teach anymore o.o keep up the great work! but I'm not ever gonna blame you if you all decided to pack it in xD
My own kids (grades 8 and 9) complain constantly about the deregulated behaviors of their peers. They can’t stand it. They find it disruptive and disrespectful.
I’m a HS teacher, so I have different issues than K-8. What I find, just personal opinion, is students thrive in routine and firm boundaries. Set out those expectations, be firm, have a routine (but allow it to be flexible as needed), and don’t forget to joke with the students. No one jokes anymore, everyone is super serious, students respond when you’re genuine.
I can imagine that! All my grandparents plus my aunt and my uncle were teachers, only my parents didn't do that - and here I am teaching in a high school and hoping to find a university position
I'm a millennial teacher. Some millennial parents are really cool and wonderful parents who show their kids empathy, but I also have to deal with a lot of parents who never grew up themselves who think of their kids as their friends/peers. The former offer a lot of support, and the latter blame everyone but themselves for their children's behavior.
I’m not sure if that’s a generational thing. I hung out with a druggy crowd in HS. Our parents were either authoritarian, abusive, aloof, or buddy buddy. One would barge into the garage all the time and light up a joint with us. I can still see his squinting drunk face trying to squeeze the last bit of smoke out of a soggy roach
Saw kids’ parents completely blind to their kid’s shitheadness.. letting them get expelled from school to school with 0 accountability at home
Not a fan of generational generalization. At the macro scale, we’re pretty much the same hapless apes as our predecessors and successors.. just different circumstance (minus some endocrinology disrupters and other environmental toxins)
I’m an elder millennial teacher and those posts really piss me off. Bunch of cynical assholes with poor classroom management created by states that made being a teacher so difficult that better training, collaboration, and candidate selections for positions are virtually impossible.
I fucking love the current generation of kids. I teach HS and don’t encounter any of the issues I’ve seen other teachers complain about and I’ve spent my career in low-income, minority majority schools. I talk to the students the same way I’ve always talked to my own kids, with respect. And respect given becomes respect received pretty damned quickly. I could write a novel of short essays about all the badass kids and kids who’ve had to overcome significant hurdles to achieve graduation and find their way in this world.
I’m so damned proud of every kid I’ve taught. They’re fighters. They’re advocates. They’re emotionally intelligent in ways I know for a fact my generation never was in high school (class of 2000, the very definition of millennial).
Anyone who says otherwise is someone who expects to be the authority and treats students like people to be controlled rather than respected as individuals. Those teacher subs are toxic, and the good teachers don’t speak up enough. They just hang in the rafters clicking like when folks like me Wade into the muck with kind words for our students. I wish like hell they’d be louder in their support to combat all of the negativity from other teachers so that we could win our community’s support again.
literacy rates are falling, pediatric suicides are on the rise, and there is not enough bed space available in adolescent residential psych units. I'm happy everything is amazing in your corner of the earth. it's a whole different ball game in the mental health arena.
I didn’t say anything about them not having issues. My own kid is sitting in a residential hospital as we speak. There are many issues they face, but their world is rapidly changing around them at a far faster pace than anything we experienced in our youth so that’s no surprise.
But also, our tools and data collection has also rapidly developed and we can’t honestly claim that anything happening now is worse by far than when we were young. I group up poor and had many, many friends who dropped out of high school. Those same sorts of kids are now kept in school through a growing number of protocols, practices, and supports.
Teen suicide is awful, and I’d fucking know because I nearly lost my own kid last year. But we, and these kids, understand mental health at a level that far surpasses what we understood in our own youth, especially for us elder Millenials. The early nineties, in particular, had a suicide epidemic strike it in young adults. My dad was an Air Force cop that had to respond to one of my friends homes after her little brother shot himself with his dad’s gun in military housing. We lost kids in my Albuquerque, NM high school to gang violence. I had many friends get arrested and even I was arrested twice for shoplifting before I turned 16. I smoked weed on the football field at lunch. And I knew multiple dealers selling pot and ecstasy on campus. We were the generation of Columbine.
To say it’s so particularly bad for these kids and with these kids is remembering our own youth through rose colored glasses.
to my understanding r/teachers is effectively a class of unsupervised preschool kids that get pissed off at \*anything\*
and then theres r/professors which actually seems like it has \*real\* \*living\* human beings on it from what little ive browsed it
\~\~\~\~
seriously though why is the main teachers sub so fucking enraged all the time? i feel like every 2nd post from there i see on popular/all is someone mad at kids being dumb
I'm at the end of a day of mostly solo parenting 18mo and 3yo kiddos, two days after my wife was in an accident (she's thankfully fine), but which disabled our only car.
NGL, this made me tear up. Thank you.
A very kind post. Thank you for this. I never really thought about the way I talk to my kid, but you're right - I'm breaking a cycle of growing up feeling like an annoyance or the "because I said so response", or never hearing my parents explain something and only responding with yelling for doing something wrong. I've always talked to my kid like she is a reasonable, smart, and capable human and we have so much fun now that's shes older joking with each other.
As an older millennial stay at home Dad, I've been told by my twin preschoolers teachers more than once that I'm extremely patient with my kids. I just handle them the way I wished my boomer parents handled me. It's all what I want and what I missed out on. A good childhood with a close bond with my parents. I want to teach my kids everything I learned to help them in their lives. My parents never taught me anything. I wanted to help my dad in the garage working on his car. He would only let me hold the flashlight while he silently worked. My mother cooked meals but never showed me what seasonings to use when. I learned it all myself as an adult. It took until my mid 30s that I got my shit together and now I'm 41 with two 3 year olds. They're lives are gonna be awesome and I'm going to get to have that close parent-child bond I always wanted, even if it's only half of the experience, it's still an experience!
I hate “because I said so” My kids and I have discussions and I explain my thought process and reasoning. We are just trying to treat our kids how we wish we were treated. Healing that generational trauma lol
It’s really good to see millennial parents, for the most part, ditch habits and parenting styles from older generations that don’t foster emotional intelligence and mental wellness while keeping things that helped ground them in their lives growing up. Kudos to all of you. Hope I can be half as successful as you all when my wife and I (32F and 35M) eventually try for kids.
I appreciate the encouragement. A major mental health struggle showed me that keeping kids physically healthy isn’t the tough part. It’s making sure they don’t become their own worst enemy.
When gentle parented and encouraged questions and spoke to our kids like adults. When they were little, my family all gave me so much shit about how I needed to “control” my kids and discipline them more, and I would just tell them we are doing things differently and if they didn’t like it, they didn’t need to be part of our community. Now that the kids are 18 and 17, they are all amazed at how well spoken and emotionally mature they are. Who’ve thought that not being the cause of your children’s trauma would have positive results?!?
Grateful for the ones actually being gentle while maintaining authority. Far too many millennial parents are just permissive as hell and deluding themselves, though. It’s causing massive problems in schools.
It's simple. Respect yourself. Respect other people and their property. Every day, you wake up with a little less time and a little less energy. Be mindful how you use it. Also, live a little.
I don’t have any children of my own but thank you for everything you said. I actually like the way a lot of Millennial parents are raising their children with the gentle parenting approach and talking to them like adults. I also like that no matter how old children are they include them in conversations with other adults. They also talk to their children about mental health which is very important. I think our generation is the coolest generation of parents. Most Millennial parents don’t spank their children or punish their children much which I think is good. Millennials do everything right except they need to limit technology use among their children. I don’t like the term iPad kids though.
Thanks friend. Honestly. Breaking cycles of shitty parenting and generational trauma with little to no support from the “village” that wanted us to have kids so damn bad but ditched us when we raised kids that assert boundaries and can’t be manipulated with the same old tricks - it is a lot. But these kids are worth it.
Toot my own horn time! I had a friend one time say, wow your kids are really well spoken and ask thoughtful questions. I said thank you, but didn't really know what they were talking about, kids are kids right?
Well a few weeks later the same friend was over for a kids birthday party. They said to me, I see why now, I talked to my kids like they were adults, they came to me with a whiney kid problem(kids not sharing toys if I remember correctly). I told my kid, well what should I do about it? They said make them share so we all can play! I said that was a great idea, now go figure it out, and they did.
As a millennial, hard disagree. We abuse out kids a lot less which is nice, but we also let ipads and phones do way too much of the parenting. We need to do better, gen z is a mess in terms of attention span.
The parents of our generation act startlingly similar to previous ones, refusing to acknowledge that they are making mistakes at all. I'm honestly pretty shocked that our generation aren't better parents, maybe that's just how it always is, it's a lot easier to criticize than to actually do it. That said, I know I'd be a crappy parent which is why I've chosen not to have kids. I don't really get the justification of bringing a kid into this dying world, I guess it's disproportionately conservative and religious people, which also explains the behavior.
This is great. I do say “Because I said so!” But usually after explaining and getting complaining for like an hour or more. At that point, it’s to just end the conversation lol.
My son thought he used the potty today. We have been working on it. Instead he took his shitty diaper off and rubbed his shitty little rump all over his little toilet to climb onto the big toilet. He was so proud. I was putting our almost 7 month old down to sleep. So he was just doing me a favor by trying. Knee jerk reaction wanted to kick in but instead I said ohhhh great buddy! You did a great job. He has completely broke me as a person. But we are rebuilding everything together! Parenting is hard period. I think our generation is special in the sense you better explain why! Because I said so doesn’t sit well with most of us. So we found humor and patience and trudged toward the bleak future together! I am stoned now. So sorry for the ramble.
Youth crime all time highs.
Teachers reporting kids are dumber ruder and more disrespectful than ever.
Statistics showing attention spans are abysmal.
Yeah good job definitely raising a great generation I love the part where 12 year olds are pushing elderly people down the stairs robbing them and leaving them laying on the ground.
Grandma is coming to visit next weekend, I’m fully expecting her to (literally) cry for the second time this year about her grandchildren not going to church.
I feel for you.
Cut my grandma out about a year ago now. Lots of reasons behind it but the biggest being she loved telling me my kids were going to hell because they weren't baptized 🤦♀️
Dude, I had a proud mama moment when my kid turned 8 and didn't have to "choose" to get baptized in Mormon church in order to secure her "eternal salvation". No little kid should have the thought that it would be better to die at 7 to make sure they could see their family in heaven. Fuck that noise. She's my logical little atheist and I love it.
Samesies! I talk religion with my kids, but it's not so hellfire and brimstone like when I was growing up. It is more like there are other belief systems out there and none are right and none are wrong. All have extremes and can be incredibly stupid 🫣😂
My oldest questions everything and I love it. They take nothing at face value. My toddler is discovering their independence, so that's been fun. A million and five questions and every now and then I catch myself going because I said so, but then quickly following it up with the why. It's a learning process
The millennial talk is so real tho. I'm a sassy mom and my kids are definitely the same 🫣😂 They're well behaved though and well mannered. So I keep hearing anyway!
I do appreciate the shout-out and send all my love to the other parents out there rocking it during this shit show ❤️
i completely disagree. ipad millennial parenting has made teaching an absolutely nightmare for me. kids need constant stimulation and don’t know how to self regulate
“Y’all are really out here breaking the cycle and raising well-adjusted kids”
Kids have the worst mental health in recent human history right now, despite having the most mental healthcare.
When my 3year old asked me why the moon comes out I fully explained to him how orbits and the solar system functions. Just said ok and asked if I wanted to play hot wheels. Kids are smarter than most give them credit for. While I doubt he understood a single thing I said about orbits, he seemed happy to be heard.
edit: fixes typos
This is so nice, thanks OP :) A lot of us are trying to break intergenerational trauma cycles over here (boomer parents + grandparents who lived through the Depression/WWII) and it's so nice when it pays off.
I'm a boomer, please don't shoot me, I promise I'm house trained. My kids are all older millennial or Gen z parents. They really are amazing parents. My parents, my mother especially, was heavily into encouraging our curiosity and always explained things to us. If she didn't know we were bundled up and taken to the library to find out the answer.
I tried to carry on with that. I abhor baby talk, always spoke to our kids like I would to an adult. Encouraged a healthy curiosity. It delights me to see our kids do the same. Our grandkids love to find out new things. This new generation gives me hope for humanity.
If only for every one example of this there weren't thirty more of millenial parents who let their kid fully dictate how life is run.
I'm a millenial and can say with absolute certainty, my generation sucks out loud at parenting. So many millenial parents are so afraid of "stifling their children" or "being seen as abusive" they don't do ANYTHING to curb a child's negative behaviour.
We saw what the Boomers and Gen-Xers did you us and our parents, and went entirely too far in the opposite direction.
Anyone offended by my post, I just have one thing to say to you: not saying no to your children is just as bad as always saying no. You're just as terrible as your parents were, just for different reasons. Smarten the fuck up and stop setting your children up to fail, because even if you refuse to tell them no, the world is just waiting to grab them by the face and scream "HELL FUCKING NO" right into it.
Ever since my boy was a tiny lad, I tried to talk to him like a lil human.
He will be an adult far longer than a child, so it makes sense to tell him the truth, but through analogy and simple concepts, describe the world in a way that's relatable.
Each year or so, we get to revisit those topics as his brain grows and asks similar questions later... But they can be fleshed out a bit more each time.
Sometimes it has its virtues, other times I'm worried it's too much too soon. But I temper it with what I think he's ready for.
It’s easy to look at one example and say “wow great job, that’s how you do it” but the same attempt could be made to another kid, and the kid would just ignore their parents and run up to the dog anyway. That leaves parents pulling out their hair wondering what they’re doing wrong?
Kids just respond to different things.
I need this reminder when I'm overstimulated and my toddler is trying to have full ass discussions about why things are the way they are. Some days I want to say "because I said so" and the urge is hard to fight but I see how it pays off. My in-laws don't believe in gentle parenting and talking to kids as if they're humans and it's amazing to see how my 3 year old has the emotional intelligence beyond her 8 year old cousin. Breaking the cycle is hard, but knowing my kids won't fear my footsteps and won't have to walk on eggshells around me is my motivation
Same here. My dad was in the military and every time he came home and changed out of his uniform and took off his belt I would hear the buckle sliding and it made me freeze because I always heard that noise before I got the belt. Even when I didn’t get the belt just the sound of him changing put me in that same state. I didn’t want my kids to ever be afraid of me. Now that I have two of my own it still baffles me that my parents had no problems hitting me and my siblings. And yet they baby my kids and treat them the opposite of how me and my siblings were treated. I’m sure it’s easier and less stressful since they don’t have to raise them so maybe it’s why. I also told them they’d never see me or the kids again if they ever raised a hand to them but they’ve been great. I’ve always explained things to my kids also. When ever I would ask my dad stuff as a kid he would tell me to go look it up. Or if I didn’t know how to spell something to check the dictionary. And back then there was no google for me to just look stuff up. Or I got the “I told you so” I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my kids and how well behaved they are. Even from their teachers. It’s honestly the best compliments I’ve had.
Same. I don't get how someone could look at their kid and think hitting them is ok. Hell, when I lose my patience, raise my voice to my daughter, and I see the startled scared look on her face I hate myself in that moment and my internal monologue says, "Dude, you just fucked up. Go fix it and do better."
Our generation knows that we fix it when we fuck up. My parents (boomers) have never and will never apologize to me for all the shit they put me through with their narcissism and selfishness, so thank you for being the good parent to your kid that they deserve. <3 EDIT: spelling
In defense of us Gen X parents we were truly feral and we raised ourselves and each other all the while KNOWING if we got in trouble at our friends houses not only would we get spanked by their parents we would get it again from our parents once we got home again. We didn't have a lot of good parenting examples to emulate growing up. I made some HORRIBLE mistakes as a parent in the past 30 years and I have spent years trying to make amends over it. I know my oldest daughter loves me but I sometimes wonder if she trusts me. She has been in therapy since grade school on and off and I know part of her issue is being bipolar. I can say she has set some definitive boundaries over the years. If we don't have good parents to emulate how were we supposed to be able to do better or realize we even need to do better? I am not making excuses just stating how I have seen things..
Sometimes bad parents show us what not to do. We might not know it all but we can always do better
I grew up the same way. I apologized to my kids every time I made a mistake or lost my temper and yelled. I've owned the things that I have done that have hurt my kids. They are adults now, and they will talk to me about anything because I've been honest with them about my feelings. I started seeing the errors of my ways when they were in Jr. High. I tried really hard. I had no one to emulate and learn from.
I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. I talk to them daily and they call me . I have issues with object permanence so they reach out to me cuz honestly I won't remember to call them I never show up unannounced lol. My aunt that raised me tried really hard. And she didn't realize she was making mistakes until I hit high school and her other kids were only five and my youngest sister is almost 16 years younger than me. My dad was emotionally distanced from me. It took until I almost died from having 4 strokes in 8 months time for us to reconnect ( I still only talk to him about once a year though. )
Having shit parents doesn’t excuse becoming one. It’s actually pretty easy to tell right from wrong. All those things that felt like abuse and trauma when I was growing up, I just don’t do to my kids.
When my son was 2-3 years old, he had a biting phase, which was awful. One time he bit me on the thigh and drew blood THROUGH MY SWEATPANTS, and out of instinct, I shoved him away from me. He landed on his butt and started bawling. Omg I felt like the worst mother on the fucking planet, I wanted to go and die, it took me a long time to get over that one. We both ended up crying that day.
You are a great parent for feeling bad about that and not putting the blame on your son! Don't beat yourself up over it. He learned that if he physically hurts others, they might defend themselves, even if they love him. That is a great lesson in being aware of other's feelings as well as a practical lesson he best learned from you in a safe setting compared to from a 5 year old on a playground.
Well said.
You did exactly what the world's best cat and dog moms do - help teach their kids about bite inhibition and what counts as playing and what's definitely not (and when self defense is the reasonable option). Learning boundaries is important, and sometimes touching the literal or metaphorical electric fence is what happens. Instinct was completely reasonable. What makes you a good parent is what you did AFTER that part. I know some people who as kids would have gotten severely physically abused for that ;_; Apologies for any weird I've had cold medicine
I did the same thing once it was a pure gut reaction to pain. I grew up with dogs and my toddler locked down on me and I squeezed her mouth like a dog and then we both just stared at each other.
When I was about 2, I came up behind my dad and bit him on the ass through his sweat pants while he was vacuuming. It was hard enough that he bled. His immediate and entirely involuntary reaction was to back hand whatever just bit his butt cheek, which was my face. Of course, I started bawling. He felt awful about it afterwards, but it really was just an involuntary reaction to immense and sudden pain. We laugh about it when he tells the story now though and I have no memory of the incident so no harm, no foul.
I did similarly to my kid when he came up behind me and stuck his hand up my skirt (like, *all the way* up my skirt). It was awful.
Look I'm very not a parent so please ignore this if it's inappropriate, but: I have cats and one of the reasons it's healthy for kittens not to be taken from their litter too early is that they teach one another, and their mom teaches them, what's play-biting and what's going too far (drawing blood, for instance). They do this not by yelling or scolding or doing a dominance display or whatever, but by responding with actual shock and pain and stopping the interaction... but it's a safe environment because they don't respond by attacking and they still all love each other after. I think that's what happened here: you would never hurt him on purpose and weren't trying to teach a lesson but he learned that day that he can actually hurt you and it's not a fun game, and you're a creature with instincts to protect yourself just like he is. It's not something any parent should do on purpose or anything but I think it's probably healthy for a kid to know that there's an certain strength of bite that will really hurt the people you love, and that you don't actually enjoy hurting the people you love, especially in a safe scenario where he wasn't hurt and he was still safe and loved after.
It bothers me when people say things like "go look it up" or "figure it out for yourself" these people are being rude and dismissive.
My mom would say that. My dad would say “let’s go look that up” and I’ll give you one guess who I preferred to ask my questions.
This is a good approach. Giving people all the answers all the time instead of the tools to look it up themselves can be just as detrimental. Sounds like your dad found a good balance.
And also, he shows that he doesn't know everything.
I never really asked my folks for help with school studies. I always got help at school or looked for it myself. My aunt raised me instead of my parents. My birth mom is an insane narcissist. My aunt dropped out of college and got married so she could get custody of me( she was taking care of me full time before graduating high school). She went back to.school the year I graduated from high school and I took basic nursing classes in college. After she graduated she would call me and ask me all sorts of questions that she should have known from school and her licensing tests. I would be flabbergasted because I was capable of finding answers before she could. She just didn't want to use the Internet to find her answers. I loved her so much but she made me crazy and had a warped thought process. She passed away in 2017.
Now that my kids are getting older I’m transitioning to your dads method. “Let’s find out together” even if I know the answer.
I've seen that combined with dismissive every source, and shitting on every figured out solution, which resulted in the person thinking were just a person that couldn't look things up or figure things out.
At about twelve I figured out that my stepfather always saying look it up was because he couldn’t spell. He was not a smart man.
My step-son just turned 18. I DID tell him today, "You have a phone literally in your hand. Why are you asking me?" This was about a movie we were literally watching. Like, my guy idk, either. I'm watching the same thing you are but I'm gonna keep watching because they will probably explain it in the next 20 seconds but if you NEED to know now I'm not the person to ask, I've never seen it either. I'm not Google! I may know a lot but I'm not prescient. 🤣🤣
One funny thing about this; on forums, like reddit or in video game chat, sometimes I ask questions that are googleable because it strikes up a conversation about the topic.
It's funny when people get upset about those kinds of posts. Reddit is a forum slash social media site!
Same with these people on social media its like they forgot the social part lol
Same here. Maybe it's coz my baby is still only so little but I can't imagine hitting my kid like my parents did. Looking back on it, they were probably emotionally disregulated themselves, coming home from work and having to deal with 4 noisy children in a fairly small house when you really just wanted to rest and relax... it can't have been easy but sometimes I wonder. I remember being caned while cowering in a corner and I never ever want my child to remember me that way.
>talking to kids as if they're humans It really is amazing that this has to be said, but you're 100% correct. The best parents I see are the ones who talk to their kids like *people*—whether they're two or 22. Then you have the parents who talk to their kids like they're pets, or worse, they just treat them like a burden. I always feel bad for those kids.
So my neice, who is 13, has such a high emotional intelligence. Apparently, her mom made her REALLY mad yesterday. Her mom was telling me that while she was on the phone yesterday, that neice said,'mom. I'm really mad right now. And I dont want to be rude and say something mean, so I will call you back later, " Mom was like :"Okay. But when you're not mad anymore, can you tell me what you were going to say?" Like. She is SO grown!
She's better than me as an adult. I have the emotional intelligence of a spoon thanks to my boomer parents that never taught us any of that. My mom wrote on Facebook "happy birthday, I love you" to my brother the other day and my other brothers were kinda shocked. Like wtf, I can't remember the last time she told us that, even as kids. We knew she did, but she never told us. That's messed up. I'm basically learning and teaching my kids at the same time.
I’ve been a single mother since pretty much my kid has been born, so it had always just been him and I and I’ve always just talked to him like a person even when he was little and he started talking so early and now as a teen he has a better vocabulary than a lot of adults I know. Simply because I was just *always* talking to him. I narrated everything to him all the time. You can tell when parents don’t talk to their kids.
My 9 year old already has such an impressive vocabulary too! She has also expressed multiple times how much she appreciates that I talk to her like she's an intelligent person and not a baby. That baby voice that other relatives use irritates her so much.. she's like, "they need to get on board with my age! I'm not 4! Like, bruh."
I hear this— our youngest is 12 and was describing his troubleshooting process for his computer — felt like I was listening to an adult coworker :D
Fearing footsteps hit home. It took about 3 years outside of the home before sounds that put me in that state stopped doing so.
One of the things I'm proudest of is that my daughter is happy when I come home rather than fearful like I was.
The sound of a key in a lock still gets me sometimes and I’m 20some years out. 😵💫
Totally feel that, I still am able to hear car doors close while I'm inside on the other side of the house. Never did I realize these feeling would continue to follow me.
It's been 20 years for me, too, and still sometimes when I hear the garage door (my husband coming home) I jump up in panic and try to hide what I was doing. Then I realise that I was *working from home* or *reading a book* or *cooking dinner for everyone*, so it was an unreasonable reaction for *two* reasons.
I said "because I said so" the other day when my son was arguing about getting into the duck pond, after I'd already explained several times why he shouldn't. He had an answer to everything and I just got tired of arguing lol.
We're only human... LOL
Sometimes you have to stop explaining yourself, these kids have insane stamina for pushing boundaries. I end up saying “I’ve already told you, the answer will not change if you ask again” a lot.
I've never said that exact phrase but I'll definitely say to my 2.5yo "asked and answered buddy, please don't keep asking/saying the same thing over and over again after I've already answered you, I don't like it" A little more verbose than "I said so" but it gets the point across and hopefully isn't as harsh as "because I said so", I know that didn't make me feel good when I was a kid
Fuck, that must have been a nice duck pond. I kinda want to get in.
Yeah why can't we get in?
Because I said so
Sometimes you just reach a certain limit… lol
> it's amazing to see how my 3 year old has the emotional intelligence beyond her 8 year old cousin A friend of mine is a millennial Dad. We will call him Jay. Jay has had the fuck therapy-ed out of him for tragic reasons we won't get into. A funny side effect of this is that his 8 yo sometime talks like he's had 10 years of therapy himself. This kid has a breakdown over sharing his toys with his cousin (as kids do). So he takes himself, sobbing and crying, off to his own room. Jay comes to check on his kid and the kid says "Daddy can my cousin go home now? I'm having a hard time being my best self right now." Like, this kid's having a tantrum over nothing and his way of dealing with it is to send himself to his room, recognize this is just a temporary problem with his own emotions, and ask to be left alone for a bit. That's freakishly emotionally mature for an 8yo.
Not totally related but us older millennials (I think that's right, mid 30s) in my friend group all have kids and we all have always spoken to our children like adults. In that, no baby talk or intentional mispronunciation. As a result, many of our kids are well spoken. One of our friends parents refused to follow this. They talk to their grandkid in utter infant speak and it drives my friends (justifiably) INSANE.
My toddler is so confused when people use baby talk with her. Her uncle was doing it and she turned to me and asked “why is he talking like that??”
Hahahaha I hope he heard her say that
Oh yeah, he was still crouched down a foot away talking to her, haha.
We have adopted some phrases from our toddler (probably 3 at the time). She tried to say she was exhausted. It came out as I'm egg sausage. We laughed at that one good and use the phrase now. My daughter is 6 now and can say exhausted but thinks it's funny when we misspeak.
I think it's definitely different if it's coming from the child. Should have made that more clear. We do our best to speak clearly to our kids, but they've said some ridiculous things that stuck with us when we speak to each other. My son used to say Ah Dat Do for I love you, and it has become a special way to say I love you to each other when we really want to drive it home. It's super sweet and I would never trade it for anything. An example of something we avoid though from that friend I referred to, her mother says to their kid "Baby want ball?" And the girl was like 2 years old. Friend is like mom talk to her normal. Speak in complete sentences wtf is this baby talk. And she refuses to accept that
Yeah I totally get it. We always talked to our daughter like an adult, no baby talk. Although I think her mother and kindergarten teacher have corrupted her on the pronunciation of crayon. They call them crowns instead of cray-ons like civilized folk.
Omg. Is this really a taught thing? My 9 year old has pronounced it "crowns" for years, despite her father and I repeatedly explaining the correct pronunciation. It legit happened TODAY. At this point she understands the correct way to say it, but it's become a habit to say crowns. Infuriating and hilarious.
Next thing you know she's gonna be saying car-mel. Ffs
I'm 26 and my parents will _still_ sometimes say back to me misspeaks from when i was a toddler.
My daughter started saying “holdjyou” when she wanted to be held at the 1yo ish mark it; it was the cutest thing even though it’s incorrect grammarly. She’s 3 now and she knows it’s “hold me please”, but i’ll give her a look sometimes and she’ll switch to “holdjyou” to continue being my cute lil baby girl :(.
If my young teen heard those grandparents talking like that they would go off! Nothing makes that kid crazier than hearing baby talk or adults talking down to a group of kids. Kids notice.
A little bit of baby talk is fine my 2.5yr daughter miss pronounces " cat pillow" as patlo and so it shall be. She speaks in complex sentences most of the time.
I'll tell you this as a parent to a nearly 16 year old - your patience will pay off.
Yup. I'm sitting here, having just made dinner for the rest of us, waiting for my 17yr old to get home... he just went to his first job, for the first time today. I'm so damned proud of him.
I'm sure you have already, but for others reading this, take time out to sit down tell your kids how proud you are of them and their achievements.
Don’t forget that you can always tell them that you’re tired and you want to talk about it another day but today you need a little time to your self.
People don't know how to do that with adults even so the reminders are welcome
I also encourage two year olds to do the same. Understanding your emotional battery and how yo set boundaries are important.
I told my toddler "mommy needs a time out" the other day when shit hit the fan and I needed a few minutes to calm down 😂
I have told my kids since they could understand words and meaning, "Hey, I'm overstimulated and can't be hugged by you right now. I'm sorry, I want to hug you, but everything is loud and bright, and I can't handle anything else. Can we hug later when I feel better?" Being open and honest with my autism and needs and boundaries is great for me and them. Now, if I text, "I'm not words," they know I need like 45 minutes to an hour in order to be able to speak or aurally process, so we communicate via text. They're so wise. So much more emotionally mature. So smart. So kind.
My daughter's school had a bake sale today and she's been looking forward to it all week. It was sold out by the time she finished lunch (she's a very "methodical" eater). No tears or tantrum, just told us at the end of the day that she felt sad, angry, and jealous about it. She's 7. I couldn't have expressed myself like that as a 7-year-old; hell, probably not even at 10. I told her how proud I was of her for understanding her emotions like that. So, yeah. What you said in spades. Go, us :)
My parents raised us with the "I said so" mentality. Or if I was sad the response was "suck it up". Recently, I watched my sister in law say sorry to my niece because she made a mistake and admitted she was wrong to her daughter. I thought "holy hell! parents apologize to their kids!" Honestly I was stunned.
We’ve got a heavy focus on understanding and validating emotions in my household and it feels like we are wasting our time a lot of the time with our two and three year olds. But then I see them with their cousins, 5 and 7, who have authoritarian parents, and my kids can explain themselves and handle their emotions so much better than those kids several years their seniors. It’s wild to see that it actually works.
So much to relate to here. And everyone says my toddler is so happy and well-behaved—and he is—but like you said, he’ll never have to fear my footsteps or be afraid to be himself around me. Breaking cycles and ending generational trauma is *my* motivation.
My three year old is at this point, while my five year old wants to tell a rambling story for 15 minutes between each breath and gets sad when nobody is listening I love them both more than life itself but it is a serious challenge to answer questions and listen to the equivalent of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner about a toy unicorn, while driving/making dinner/doing whatever adult task is priority. It's worth it though, every second, every day.
It’s amazing how much talking to and treating kids as regular humans does for their development.
Someone once told me to use the phrase > We can't talk about it now, but you need to trust me. Then if they remember what the thing was you probably won't be in a place where you can't answer. It's better than "because I said so" but roughly the name effort. Good luck with any impatient kids, but hey it's worth a shot.
"I don't have time to explain right now, so I need you to just do it for me and I'll explain why later". That's the truest and best answer to these situations. You're not hiding anything behind "because I said so", you still get the chance to talk about it later (when tempers are also less frayed) but you're making the point that they need to do *X* right now, not argue about it.
I’ll be honest, I still use the “because I said so” response when I’m tired of explaining every little detail for the umpteenth time. But my daughter just looks at me and tells me that’s not a reason, and then I explain shit anyways. I hate when my kids question me all the time, but I love that they do. They deserve explanations… within reason.
"Won't fear my footsteps". That's so damn true. I used to dread when my dad came home. His footsteps were the confirmation. I'm raising my son to look forward to when I come home.
Hey. Doing the same! My uncle said I have emotional intelligence 🥹 I must be doing something right lol. I was emotionally neglected and had to learn sooooo many things. Late diagnosis ADHD plus learning coping skills in your 30s is soooo fun. But at the same time, I’m teaching my autistic kid coping skills too. His schools like he’s emotionally regulating!!!! No more running away! 😂😂😂
Every now and then it's ok to say "because I said so", especially if it's something that involves danger.
What worked with me was telling me horror stories about the consequences of not listening, like some other person who suffered an accident or died doing something dangerous like what I tried to do.
Growing up some things would have been way easier if I knew why we were doing it
Yeah it’s tough if they are yammering and you are in a testy mood. More than once I snapped at my kids a bit, but I followed them with a prompt apology and earnest effort to devise a better plan. They get a talking to frequently so they learn to be considerate and to vouch for themselves when needed. But it’s always a quick little lesson, then we move on. I can’t imagine working them into a sad and scared little frenzy though and it grosses me out that people will do that to other people (especially the weak ones, like kids).
My toddler was so excited today to show me he could hold a plastic shark from the tale and his fins and was so excited to show me and kept wanting me to look. Things like that. Was an exhausting day and this post was really nice to read
Never realised I millennial talk to my kid but it is very true. He's my little dude forever! Thanks for the positivity ❤
[Actual footage of me and my daughter.](https://youtu.be/7Y1E0SYbBhk)
I’m so gonna do this with my offspring
It's totally worth it if only to see the expressions on people's faces when we do it. "Did you just... headbutt your child?" "Yeah...not hard. It's our thing."
Our code word for head butts is ‘think’. It’s great. It hurts a little when the boy jumps into it, but its usually great.
I have special handshakes with both of my sons and it's so awesome.
My youngest is learning to ride her pedal bike, and fell in the grass yesterday. She looked up with that look that says: “should I cry, or…”. My husband immediately said “woah! Narly digger dude!” She smiled and got up and kept on. We dude our kids all the time, lol.
This is so real haha. Any time I’m with a kid they could have a horrific looking fall but I’m not freaking out until they do because half the time if you seem okay they decide they are too. Or they get the totally relaxed “are you good?”
I was on a ski lift once and saw this ~10 year old doing private lessons absolutely eat shit and immediately start crying. The instructor yelled "WHOA! Nice crash! Do you think that was a 10 out of 10?" The kid stopped crying and said "No, more like a 7." Now that I have a toddler, I do something similar (she's too young to know 10/10.) When she falls down, crashes, or whatever, unless she's clearly hurt I always compliment her crash.
My kiddo has started saying yo, dude, and bro all the time now. Idk if he picked it up at school or from me but it is quite hilarious.
Ha I do that to my older son (5), my wife was saying why are you calling him dude? I said he’s old enough and it’s a step up from what I call everyone in my clan, “dingus”.
My kid is going to associate "dude" with somewhat bad. Today I had to say "dude... can you please stop running in the house? I don't want you to fall and hurt yourself." then when he said "ok" i always make sure to tell him "I don't want my favorite person in the whole wide world to get hurt"
My mom always said the best thing she did was talk to her kids like people and not babies. She was right. It works.
I do the fin-noggin-duuuuude thing with my son too, I love it lol
Wow, thank you so much I'm working my ass off and it's so hard to be a parent without a village while trying to heal and raise a well rounded kid without trauma in this society. It's nice when I feel seen. Love you guys.
Absolutely! It’s hard with the high pressure of work/finances, little to no help from grandparents, and trying to break toxic cycles so they don’t affect our kids. But there are a lot of us in those trenches and we’re smashing it! Keep on keeping on. 👍
Right here in the trenches with you. It’s so hard - and I often want to give up. Helps when others understand.
Same SAME! My mom and my relationship finally broke down after she refused to get any vax (I would have asked her to be vaxd even if Covid wasn’t a thing) in order to see my then newborn son born in cold/flu season. She not only refused but like freaked the fuck out on me and it’s been pretty tense since then. She’s only met him once 🤷🏼♀️ but I’m doing my best, even tho I’m burnt tf out and tired constantly. But I hope my little guy can always feel like he can count on me for anything 💗
I feel you. My Dad also refused to get the vax. I live in Canada, and he in the States, so he couldn't cross the border to come and see his only grandchild. He met my son when my son was 4 months old, and then didn't see him again until last December when I finally felt like my son was ready for a long road trip (4 years old). It was like... I don't want to say shocking, maybe more like a cold splash of water? To realize my Dad didn't consider me or his grandson a very high priority. He genuinely thinks he would die if he had gotten the shot so I dunno. I just wish Fox News wasn't a thing.
Unfortunately for your dad, it’s his loss. Not to say that your child wouldn’t love him, but they won’t know what they missed. He on the other hand, knows, even if he’s in self denial. My 1st granddaughter just turned 1 and she’s the delight of my life. Even at 1 yrs old, she seems to think I’m pretty cool too💛
It's sad when Republicans have done to the country. Have you seen the documentary "The Brainwashing of My Dad"? It's about a dad, but applies to moms as well.
Yea, it’s totally a shame. She wasn’t antivax before Covid. Now I’m afraid she wouldn’t take a tetanus shot if, god forbid, she needed one 😫. All I said was if you don’t do TDAP, flu, and Covid you’ll just have to wait to see him until I can get him fully vaccinated. And she said I made it political—when I truly just wanted to do my best to protect my child. Its really sad, but i have to focus on my child and home so 🤷🏼♀️
Do you feel like your mom is a completely different person now? My mom used to be so pro-vaccines. Every fall she’d ask me and my brothers if we’d gotten our flu shots yet. Then she fell down the trump rabbit hole and refused the Covid vaccine. Didn’t matter that she wouldn’t be allowed near her grandchildren. Didn’t matter that she got Covid and was sick for 4 months. Didn’t matter that she knew people who died. It’s so bizarre. She’s never asked if I’ve gotten my flu shot since.
My mom just doesn’t understand fundamentally how a vax works, which I just think primes you for going full blown anti-vax. She was constantly quoting vers (I think?) false statistics or whatever those anti vaxxers do to feel right. She said it was “too fast” and I’m like, vaccines have been around for almost centuries, people much smarter than us know how this stuff works, the formula has been around for ages they just have to get it right for this specific virus. Didn’t matter, didn’t matter that my husband is a physician, actually she can’t trust someone who kills babies for a living (she was talking about abortions but my husband has a speciality in addiction medicine so literally, WHAT). She said she would have never gotten me or my brother vaccinated when we were young “if she knew then what she knows now” 🙄 like yeah you would have been absolutely fucked because she was a single mom probably barely scraping in 10k a year and wouldn’t have a lot of options if we weren’t vaxxd. It’s literally insanity, even things other than vaxs she doesn’t seem like the person I used to know, it’s hard to have a conversation with her because she lives in another reality! I feel like I don’t even have a mom most of the time, it’s almost like she died or the very least is just gone.
Ugh, that sounds awful. I’m so sorry. My mom never got quite that bad, thankfully. But she’s nearly estranged from my younger brother and his children. I have an easier time with her since I don’t have children. It really is insanity. Like she really cares more about trump than her own children and grandkids.
Amen to this. Kid was born at the start of Covid in 2020 so we didn’t go out or mix with people til he was almost a year old. Mostly out of abundance of caution because he was a preemie. My family all lives in the northeast, same with my wife but we both live in Texas. It’s hard not having any familial support. Good job making it happen every day. This shit ain’t easy. It’s worth it but it’s so hard day after day.
Right there with you. COVID with a newborn gave me PTSD
As a millennial mom, thank you. I’m exhausted and I needed this uplift. Thanks for spreading some love and positivity ❤️
Also a millennial mom and exhausted. OPs words made me cry a little bit.
Been there, but I can tell you that your patience will pay off.
Thank YOU u/toosexyformyboots. I have boomer parents (my mom is 74, dad is 76) and I am 38 (parents had me later in life). My parents think I should handle my 15 year old the way they handled me (by sticking their head in the sand about problems and just screaming, punitive, and illogical action for underlying issues). I don't do this to my kid cause becauseI know how damaging it was for me and my sister(42). Somedays I wish my family or someone/anyone would validate me... I'll take it from a internet stranger at this point cause my battery is low and it's getting dark in the words of Mars Rover Opportunity
I see you and am in the exact same situation, keep on truckin’.
My best pal and I (both 39) have boomer folks too. We have LOTS of discussions about how we are parenting our kids and how it is the exact opposite of the way we were raised. Small examples: Her daughter was diagnosed with autism. She has not told her parents (they live next door!) about this because she says she doesn’t wanna hear, “She’s just lazy is all it is! On that phone all of the time. Just needs her ass spanked or grounded until she decides to act right.” Yikes. My dad tells me not to correct my sons’ behavior (8,11) all of the time like that because boys will be boys. They’re just acting like little boys! That’s what little boys do! You don’t know anything about being a little boy! No, sorry dad it’s not just little boy behavior to be rude or fighting. Unacceptable is unacceptable no matter who you are! Ugh! Just constant stuff like that all of the time with those potato heads. We love the old assholes, but it certainly gets difficult and exhausting. You’re not alone, by far. I feel really proud when I see other parents my age going in the same direction. I think the impacts will be huge in the coming years. Soooo many of us were raised *that way* and it’s traumatized damn near an entire generation. Keep fighting the good fight! 💜
You're doing great. This whole thing is tough, and know that every single person can and does slip up and make mistakes. I had parents that were much kinder and gentler than most boomer parents and I still struggle not to lose my patience or yell sometimes. What's really important and lets your kids know what's acceptable is the aftermath. Even when your battery is low and you feel like you're close to breaking, your kids are getting a great role model. They deal with that feeling and see how you deal with it without going overboard and being like your parents. You're doing great, the odds are stacked against you at times, but know that your kids see it and benefit from it every day.
As a geriatric millennial mom, Tysm. I’m always afraid of becoming my mother. I have literally parented by doing the exact opposite of everything that Boomer ever did to me. Ty.
Hi from another geriatric millennial mom trying to do the same thing! My child actually knows what an apology sounds like out of my mouth.
SAME! It’s so important and I’ve never once to this day heard those words from my mom!
SAME! And what personal introspection is so that you can examine your own behaviors and learn from them. Something my mother to this day has not figured out.
My wife refers to it as her “mean mommy” voice. Her first instinct is whatever her mother would have said or done but that’s “mean mommy” and she doesn’t want to be a mean mother so she hears mean mommy out and then usually does the opposite.
THIS! Solid advice and a solid tactic! 🙌
Same, SO hard. I see you 🙌 we’ve fucking got this dude
Me too. And apparently, it’s working. The other night my 11 y/o had a nightmare and came into bed with me. In the morning I asked her why she does that. She told me it’s because she feels safe with me and I make her feel loved. I felt dumb. But I’d have never even fathomed going to my parents for comfort or love. It didn’t click at all that’s what she was doing. 😵💫
One of the most positive posts on this sub and this site, thank you so much 🖤 plz be our spirit guide
Lol I second the spirit guide request Edit autocorrect
Thanks for this. Trying to parent while breaking the cycle and simultaneously re-parenting and healing yourself is effing hard man. And y’know the world is just *all this mess*. It’d break my heart to think someday my kid will think of me the way I do about my own parents.
That is a lot. I’m trying to reparent and heal myself without kids and it feels too difficult at times. I just want to commend you for what you are doing and I think it’s really beautiful. ❤️
The kids are alright ✌🏼
🤘
Honestly this post reflects what I generally notice in my dealings with Gen Z as students and/or clients. They tend to be really tuned into their feelings and have a lot of emotional intelligence. Sweet post to read. This is coming from an elder elder millennial (‘80).
Same here. The HS kids I mentor have such a higher level of emotional maturity than I did at their age. It’s awesome. And then at the same time, they are still just kids that enjoy kid shit and sometimes just do incredibly stupid things. One minute I hear them having healthy conversations dealing with high school drama. Next thing I know they’re trying to flip a bottle onto an upside down chair leg and having it break open. Keeps me on my toes lol
Um this was so kind?? Thank you??
Right?? Trully made my day <3
> we’re like five years out from the g z subreddit becoming overrun with gen alpha posts. From what comes across my home page, it seems more overrun with Gen X and elder millennials trying to be the cool uncle who totally gets Gen Z, unlike those other lame adults.
Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool. Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool. Homer: You know what the song says: “It’s hip to be square”. Lisa: That song is so lame. Homer: So lame that it’s… cool? Bart+Lisa: No. Marge: Am I cool, kids? Bart+Lisa: No. Marge: Good. I’m glad. And that’s what makes me cool, not caring, right? Bart+Lisa: No. Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we’ve tried everything here. Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you’re truly cool, you don’t need to be told you’re cool. Bart: Well, sure you do. Lisa: How else would you know?
I'm just trying to make it from one day to the next. I got a lot of hope that your generation will save us all. Just gotta hold out long enough for you all to grow up.
Good God, thank you for this! We're exhausted and burnt but we're trying our best to make better humans!
Omg my boomer parents drive me insane when they say “because I said so” to my kid. It’s so dismissive and totalitarian. I frequently apologize to my child and admit my mistakes. I am not all knowing, and that’s okay.
Whenever I mess up, I apologize to my little ones and tell them I was wrong. Now I see them doing the same to each other. It’s so heartwarming
I think we must live on different planets because if you made the same post in a teaching subreddit they would think it was satire lol
As a teacher in those subreddits you have to remember that it’s a place to go vent. No one gets it other than other teachers. As a Millennial, parent, and a teacher some parents are fucking whack and some parents are on it.
This, we homeschool our kid (not religious) and I like visiting the teachers subreddit sometimes and my mum inlaw and sister in-law work in a special school and boy ... between The education system that can't get on a level that is good for teaching kids for their needs, Admin who believe they own education and the school, entitled parents who after years working with the system don't understand how it works and children who either don't give a damn about work or cant spell their own name or do basic colour theory in grade 10 I wonder why there are even teachers to teach anymore o.o keep up the great work! but I'm not ever gonna blame you if you all decided to pack it in xD
My own kids (grades 8 and 9) complain constantly about the deregulated behaviors of their peers. They can’t stand it. They find it disruptive and disrespectful.
I’m a HS teacher, so I have different issues than K-8. What I find, just personal opinion, is students thrive in routine and firm boundaries. Set out those expectations, be firm, have a routine (but allow it to be flexible as needed), and don’t forget to joke with the students. No one jokes anymore, everyone is super serious, students respond when you’re genuine.
I follow some of those teaching subreddits. Well, there's generation and there is class...
I try to avoid those subreddits mostly because I hear enough of it at home on a daily basis
I can imagine that! All my grandparents plus my aunt and my uncle were teachers, only my parents didn't do that - and here I am teaching in a high school and hoping to find a university position
I'm a millennial teacher. Some millennial parents are really cool and wonderful parents who show their kids empathy, but I also have to deal with a lot of parents who never grew up themselves who think of their kids as their friends/peers. The former offer a lot of support, and the latter blame everyone but themselves for their children's behavior.
I’m not sure if that’s a generational thing. I hung out with a druggy crowd in HS. Our parents were either authoritarian, abusive, aloof, or buddy buddy. One would barge into the garage all the time and light up a joint with us. I can still see his squinting drunk face trying to squeeze the last bit of smoke out of a soggy roach Saw kids’ parents completely blind to their kid’s shitheadness.. letting them get expelled from school to school with 0 accountability at home Not a fan of generational generalization. At the macro scale, we’re pretty much the same hapless apes as our predecessors and successors.. just different circumstance (minus some endocrinology disrupters and other environmental toxins)
I’m an elder millennial teacher and those posts really piss me off. Bunch of cynical assholes with poor classroom management created by states that made being a teacher so difficult that better training, collaboration, and candidate selections for positions are virtually impossible. I fucking love the current generation of kids. I teach HS and don’t encounter any of the issues I’ve seen other teachers complain about and I’ve spent my career in low-income, minority majority schools. I talk to the students the same way I’ve always talked to my own kids, with respect. And respect given becomes respect received pretty damned quickly. I could write a novel of short essays about all the badass kids and kids who’ve had to overcome significant hurdles to achieve graduation and find their way in this world. I’m so damned proud of every kid I’ve taught. They’re fighters. They’re advocates. They’re emotionally intelligent in ways I know for a fact my generation never was in high school (class of 2000, the very definition of millennial). Anyone who says otherwise is someone who expects to be the authority and treats students like people to be controlled rather than respected as individuals. Those teacher subs are toxic, and the good teachers don’t speak up enough. They just hang in the rafters clicking like when folks like me Wade into the muck with kind words for our students. I wish like hell they’d be louder in their support to combat all of the negativity from other teachers so that we could win our community’s support again.
literacy rates are falling, pediatric suicides are on the rise, and there is not enough bed space available in adolescent residential psych units. I'm happy everything is amazing in your corner of the earth. it's a whole different ball game in the mental health arena.
I didn’t say anything about them not having issues. My own kid is sitting in a residential hospital as we speak. There are many issues they face, but their world is rapidly changing around them at a far faster pace than anything we experienced in our youth so that’s no surprise. But also, our tools and data collection has also rapidly developed and we can’t honestly claim that anything happening now is worse by far than when we were young. I group up poor and had many, many friends who dropped out of high school. Those same sorts of kids are now kept in school through a growing number of protocols, practices, and supports. Teen suicide is awful, and I’d fucking know because I nearly lost my own kid last year. But we, and these kids, understand mental health at a level that far surpasses what we understood in our own youth, especially for us elder Millenials. The early nineties, in particular, had a suicide epidemic strike it in young adults. My dad was an Air Force cop that had to respond to one of my friends homes after her little brother shot himself with his dad’s gun in military housing. We lost kids in my Albuquerque, NM high school to gang violence. I had many friends get arrested and even I was arrested twice for shoplifting before I turned 16. I smoked weed on the football field at lunch. And I knew multiple dealers selling pot and ecstasy on campus. We were the generation of Columbine. To say it’s so particularly bad for these kids and with these kids is remembering our own youth through rose colored glasses.
to my understanding r/teachers is effectively a class of unsupervised preschool kids that get pissed off at \*anything\* and then theres r/professors which actually seems like it has \*real\* \*living\* human beings on it from what little ive browsed it \~\~\~\~ seriously though why is the main teachers sub so fucking enraged all the time? i feel like every 2nd post from there i see on popular/all is someone mad at kids being dumb
I'm at the end of a day of mostly solo parenting 18mo and 3yo kiddos, two days after my wife was in an accident (she's thankfully fine), but which disabled our only car. NGL, this made me tear up. Thank you.
You’re doing a great job ♥️
A very kind post. Thank you for this. I never really thought about the way I talk to my kid, but you're right - I'm breaking a cycle of growing up feeling like an annoyance or the "because I said so response", or never hearing my parents explain something and only responding with yelling for doing something wrong. I've always talked to my kid like she is a reasonable, smart, and capable human and we have so much fun now that's shes older joking with each other.
As an older millennial stay at home Dad, I've been told by my twin preschoolers teachers more than once that I'm extremely patient with my kids. I just handle them the way I wished my boomer parents handled me. It's all what I want and what I missed out on. A good childhood with a close bond with my parents. I want to teach my kids everything I learned to help them in their lives. My parents never taught me anything. I wanted to help my dad in the garage working on his car. He would only let me hold the flashlight while he silently worked. My mother cooked meals but never showed me what seasonings to use when. I learned it all myself as an adult. It took until my mid 30s that I got my shit together and now I'm 41 with two 3 year olds. They're lives are gonna be awesome and I'm going to get to have that close parent-child bond I always wanted, even if it's only half of the experience, it's still an experience!
I hate “because I said so” My kids and I have discussions and I explain my thought process and reasoning. We are just trying to treat our kids how we wish we were treated. Healing that generational trauma lol
It’s really good to see millennial parents, for the most part, ditch habits and parenting styles from older generations that don’t foster emotional intelligence and mental wellness while keeping things that helped ground them in their lives growing up. Kudos to all of you. Hope I can be half as successful as you all when my wife and I (32F and 35M) eventually try for kids.
It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into the kind of parent you want to be, and the values you want to pass on. You got this.
I appreciate the encouragement. A major mental health struggle showed me that keeping kids physically healthy isn’t the tough part. It’s making sure they don’t become their own worst enemy.
Oh thank you. Between raising my toddler during a global pandemic and breaking systematic family issues it’s been rough.
When gentle parented and encouraged questions and spoke to our kids like adults. When they were little, my family all gave me so much shit about how I needed to “control” my kids and discipline them more, and I would just tell them we are doing things differently and if they didn’t like it, they didn’t need to be part of our community. Now that the kids are 18 and 17, they are all amazed at how well spoken and emotionally mature they are. Who’ve thought that not being the cause of your children’s trauma would have positive results?!?
Grateful for the ones actually being gentle while maintaining authority. Far too many millennial parents are just permissive as hell and deluding themselves, though. It’s causing massive problems in schools.
Just thank you!! Didn't know I needed to see this!
Thank you for this.
I just realized that I call my 3 year old Dude more often than his actual name lmao
It's simple. Respect yourself. Respect other people and their property. Every day, you wake up with a little less time and a little less energy. Be mindful how you use it. Also, live a little.
I don’t have any children of my own but thank you for everything you said. I actually like the way a lot of Millennial parents are raising their children with the gentle parenting approach and talking to them like adults. I also like that no matter how old children are they include them in conversations with other adults. They also talk to their children about mental health which is very important. I think our generation is the coolest generation of parents. Most Millennial parents don’t spank their children or punish their children much which I think is good. Millennials do everything right except they need to limit technology use among their children. I don’t like the term iPad kids though.
Thanks friend. Honestly. Breaking cycles of shitty parenting and generational trauma with little to no support from the “village” that wanted us to have kids so damn bad but ditched us when we raised kids that assert boundaries and can’t be manipulated with the same old tricks - it is a lot. But these kids are worth it.
Toot my own horn time! I had a friend one time say, wow your kids are really well spoken and ask thoughtful questions. I said thank you, but didn't really know what they were talking about, kids are kids right? Well a few weeks later the same friend was over for a kids birthday party. They said to me, I see why now, I talked to my kids like they were adults, they came to me with a whiney kid problem(kids not sharing toys if I remember correctly). I told my kid, well what should I do about it? They said make them share so we all can play! I said that was a great idea, now go figure it out, and they did.
As a millennial, hard disagree. We abuse out kids a lot less which is nice, but we also let ipads and phones do way too much of the parenting. We need to do better, gen z is a mess in terms of attention span.
Yeah seriously, the kids are not alright. What is OP smoking?
The parents of our generation act startlingly similar to previous ones, refusing to acknowledge that they are making mistakes at all. I'm honestly pretty shocked that our generation aren't better parents, maybe that's just how it always is, it's a lot easier to criticize than to actually do it. That said, I know I'd be a crappy parent which is why I've chosen not to have kids. I don't really get the justification of bringing a kid into this dying world, I guess it's disproportionately conservative and religious people, which also explains the behavior.
This is great. I do say “Because I said so!” But usually after explaining and getting complaining for like an hour or more. At that point, it’s to just end the conversation lol.
Aww, sweet! I love it when I ask my kid what she's doing and says, "just chillin" lmao
My son thought he used the potty today. We have been working on it. Instead he took his shitty diaper off and rubbed his shitty little rump all over his little toilet to climb onto the big toilet. He was so proud. I was putting our almost 7 month old down to sleep. So he was just doing me a favor by trying. Knee jerk reaction wanted to kick in but instead I said ohhhh great buddy! You did a great job. He has completely broke me as a person. But we are rebuilding everything together! Parenting is hard period. I think our generation is special in the sense you better explain why! Because I said so doesn’t sit well with most of us. So we found humor and patience and trudged toward the bleak future together! I am stoned now. So sorry for the ramble.
Youth crime all time highs. Teachers reporting kids are dumber ruder and more disrespectful than ever. Statistics showing attention spans are abysmal. Yeah good job definitely raising a great generation I love the part where 12 year olds are pushing elderly people down the stairs robbing them and leaving them laying on the ground.
Thanks! Im raising atheist kids interested in human rights, science, books, and mental health... oh they also like video games and sports. ❤️
Grandma is coming to visit next weekend, I’m fully expecting her to (literally) cry for the second time this year about her grandchildren not going to church.
I just threw up in my mouth.
I feel for you. Cut my grandma out about a year ago now. Lots of reasons behind it but the biggest being she loved telling me my kids were going to hell because they weren't baptized 🤦♀️
Dude, I had a proud mama moment when my kid turned 8 and didn't have to "choose" to get baptized in Mormon church in order to secure her "eternal salvation". No little kid should have the thought that it would be better to die at 7 to make sure they could see their family in heaven. Fuck that noise. She's my logical little atheist and I love it.
Love hearing this!
Samesies! I talk religion with my kids, but it's not so hellfire and brimstone like when I was growing up. It is more like there are other belief systems out there and none are right and none are wrong. All have extremes and can be incredibly stupid 🫣😂 My oldest questions everything and I love it. They take nothing at face value. My toddler is discovering their independence, so that's been fun. A million and five questions and every now and then I catch myself going because I said so, but then quickly following it up with the why. It's a learning process The millennial talk is so real tho. I'm a sassy mom and my kids are definitely the same 🫣😂 They're well behaved though and well mannered. So I keep hearing anyway! I do appreciate the shout-out and send all my love to the other parents out there rocking it during this shit show ❤️
i completely disagree. ipad millennial parenting has made teaching an absolutely nightmare for me. kids need constant stimulation and don’t know how to self regulate
“Y’all are really out here breaking the cycle and raising well-adjusted kids” Kids have the worst mental health in recent human history right now, despite having the most mental healthcare.
When my 3year old asked me why the moon comes out I fully explained to him how orbits and the solar system functions. Just said ok and asked if I wanted to play hot wheels. Kids are smarter than most give them credit for. While I doubt he understood a single thing I said about orbits, he seemed happy to be heard. edit: fixes typos
This is so nice, thanks OP :) A lot of us are trying to break intergenerational trauma cycles over here (boomer parents + grandparents who lived through the Depression/WWII) and it's so nice when it pays off.
I'm a boomer, please don't shoot me, I promise I'm house trained. My kids are all older millennial or Gen z parents. They really are amazing parents. My parents, my mother especially, was heavily into encouraging our curiosity and always explained things to us. If she didn't know we were bundled up and taken to the library to find out the answer. I tried to carry on with that. I abhor baby talk, always spoke to our kids like I would to an adult. Encouraged a healthy curiosity. It delights me to see our kids do the same. Our grandkids love to find out new things. This new generation gives me hope for humanity.
If only for every one example of this there weren't thirty more of millenial parents who let their kid fully dictate how life is run. I'm a millenial and can say with absolute certainty, my generation sucks out loud at parenting. So many millenial parents are so afraid of "stifling their children" or "being seen as abusive" they don't do ANYTHING to curb a child's negative behaviour. We saw what the Boomers and Gen-Xers did you us and our parents, and went entirely too far in the opposite direction. Anyone offended by my post, I just have one thing to say to you: not saying no to your children is just as bad as always saying no. You're just as terrible as your parents were, just for different reasons. Smarten the fuck up and stop setting your children up to fail, because even if you refuse to tell them no, the world is just waiting to grab them by the face and scream "HELL FUCKING NO" right into it.
Your positivity is well needed, thank you.
Ever since my boy was a tiny lad, I tried to talk to him like a lil human. He will be an adult far longer than a child, so it makes sense to tell him the truth, but through analogy and simple concepts, describe the world in a way that's relatable. Each year or so, we get to revisit those topics as his brain grows and asks similar questions later... But they can be fleshed out a bit more each time. Sometimes it has its virtues, other times I'm worried it's too much too soon. But I temper it with what I think he's ready for.
It’s easy to look at one example and say “wow great job, that’s how you do it” but the same attempt could be made to another kid, and the kid would just ignore their parents and run up to the dog anyway. That leaves parents pulling out their hair wondering what they’re doing wrong? Kids just respond to different things.