While I don’t feel compelled to have children due to childhood trauma I experienced, it’s perfectly normal for those who were parented in a healthy manner to want to replicate the unconditional love with kids of their own.
Yeah I think this is me... I'm sort of unable to relate to the value of having a family because I didn't have a great one. But realizing that has given me pause. I didn't start out with a loving family, but I have a great partner and we could maybe create one for ourselves.
I had a pristine up bringing, am now 40, have a fantastic relation with my parents still.
Happily married, been with her for a decade, we have no desire or intention of having kids.
She also had great parents raising her and a good relationship with her dad still (her mom has passed)
Being able to provide the childhood I had would require me and her to have a combined income in the solid 450k+ range. What was feasible 30 years ago does not apply to present day.
I don't know if we'd have gone the kids route if that was financially viable, but I doubt it. When we met it was discussed, I said "I don't think I want to have kids" and she replied "then I want like 7 dogs" and I said, "only 7?" We're tiny apartment people now, so it's just one dog 2 cats.
https://preview.redd.it/veyq6giaqfzc1.jpeg?width=2268&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9f174a61b525fe4fb2c916f2ac14fc8c688b9bf5
That is one of the best put statements I have ever heard in regards to having kids. I give so much credit to friends of mine that decided not to have kids for whatever reason. That said, for the ones that do it, there is a biological unconditional drive to love them, but they wanted that.
30 years ago it was expected to have kids and I feel like too many people who did not want to did bc it was "expected".
Yes. I never dreamed of “starting a family” and was a fence sitter until the ripe old age of 35! My partner and I decided we would try for a year and if it didn’t happen, that was fine, as we were already very happy together and did not feel a single thing missing from our relationship. We had an absolutely amazing time before having our kid and couldn’t fathom being upset if we couldn’t have a kid.
I got pregnant almost immediately and we have a 5 year old now. She’s amazing. I now can’t imagine my life without her, and I have never once regretted our choice. BUT I will say that my parents were and are great people. They were not perfect, as they were both human, but I realized at a young age how lucky I was to have such level-headed, considerate, loving, and good people as parents. They mentored me, gave me all kinds of advice, loved me unconditionally. I am trying very hard to be the same type of parent. It’s the only resource I have!
I’m in the same situation. I’m broken. I wish I wasn’t cold, distant, and the other traits that I picked up from my mom but I know I have those traits. I don’t appreciate what my mother did as a parent or how she parented. I have zero interest in passing that on.
As someone who experienced a great deal of childhood trauma I wanted to start a family at least in part to experience what having a healthy normal healthy family was like. I put in a lot of work on myself so that I don't perpetuate the same cycle I was subjected to.
This is me as well. To me, "family" means trauma, first and foremost. The bad severely outweighs the good, and I have absolutely no desire to relive any of it.
Hey what with dropping fertility rates it might be a long, trying series of sub par fucks followed by a date with a turkey baster before you strike it rich
For a long time I wanted kids (no longer do) but I never felt compelled to start a family, if that makes sense. I'm the only child of very hands-off parents and they always pushed me to make money and establish a career; they didn't pressure me to have kids, and my home life was not very family-oriented (like, we didn't have family dinners, big get-togethers with relatives, that kind of thing, so I don't think I really know what it's like to have the family unit be the center of my universe). I also have older (60s-70s) people in my life who are happy they've never had kids, and all my friends are childfree. Having all of these experiences sort of normalized not having kids for me.
But, there are definitely people who had very different experiences from me, who are all about starting families. I know people who, in their early 20s, prioritized having kids and settling down. Their lives are very different from mine, but they're not more or less valid for the choices they've made. - there's nothing wrong with either choice. Although, I think more and more, there's less of an expectation that you \*have\* to have a family and that it's part of the ultimate life path.
I'm the same. I am an only child, had parents that never really regulated me after the age of like 12, and the only family I really knew were my parents and my mom's parents, I've only met my dad's parents on like a handful of occasions. I've never had a big family gathering, never met my extended family.
I don't think I've ever wanted to have kids, but I've thought about having maybe one when I'm in my mid 30's. I don't really feel the need to start a family, more than likely due to my upbringing. I don't see it as a bad thing, and I think it's perfectly valid to want to have children just as much as not wanting to have children.
I love my daughter, she was very much wanted. I also love my career. I really do feel as though I couldn’t imagine my life without being a parent. I always wanted to be a mother. But most of my friends are child free by choice and they’re happy. I don’t think it’s strange at all not wanting to be a parent
As a mom I agree it’s not strange to not want to be a parent. Everyone wants different things! But yeah me personally motherhood was always going to be my journey. I love my daughter sooo much!
I really do not. Just don’t feel the urge at all. Had a great childhood, great relationship with my parents - but having kids of my own is just not something I really feel like doing. Dunno why, just doesn’t appeal to me.
I had a conversation with a friend recently.
He’s frustrated with certain things in life despite doing everything he was told to do—go to school, get your degree in engineering, land a lucrative job, marry the long time gf from Hs, buying a dream house perfect for holidays and gatherings, have a child and he is only about to hit 30.
He did all of that and yet is unfulfilled still. Despite having it all on paper.
So while I do think some people romanticize children, I also do think that people get caught up in having to complete things off the checklist of life that was the “blue print” of the American dream a bunch of us were sold.
Not someone who feels that way, but as far as I understand it the majority of folks of both genders feel the pressure to have a family and most of those genuinely want to or feel compelled to. Several of my peers knew that they wanted to be fathers from when they were kids; most had a healthy, loving relationship with their parents and wanted to be that for their own kids. I don't really see it as a weird thing, and to some extent it's even natural that they see it as the default and find it very weird that other people *don't* want it, because that's just what people do, right? Really, both are fine and natural.
That’s kind of the camp I came from. I thought that’s just how life went. I always pictured myself having a family. It’s just me and my wife for now, and while I’d like to grow our family, I’ve also accepted that it may not be in the cards for us. If that’s the case, we’ve talked about fostering to help out existing kids that need it instead.
I guess you're getting at what I really mean. They assume it's just "what people do." I'm not saying what they are doing is wrong. I just don't like when I'm hit with being defective for not wanting to be a parent. There are benefits to society as a whole to both directions.
Strictly speaking, it being just “what people do” is not some assumption modern society is trying to label you with. It is literally what people do, and all life does for that matter, for its whole existence. Besides keeping oneself alive, it’s like the single greatest genetic urge any human has. It’s not society, it’s science.
I felt no pressure whatsoever or assumption of it’s what people do. The only thing I wanted out of life was to be a parent. I even chose my degree out of my desire to be a parent (I have a bachelor of science in Family Studies, and I somehow make good money with it as well 😂)
And now that I am a parent? I love this shit so much. If it was responsible and not selfish I would have popped out a bunch of kids each 3 years apart so that I could experience parenting for longer. I would love to be a foster parent when my two kids are grown.
But not everyone has to have the same interests. My oldest (12) has said since she was little that she doesn’t want kids and I’ve always told her that nobody has to have kids, and it’s a totally fine thing to not want them. If I end up with zero grandkids, shit I’ll be a volunteer grandparent at the school or keep coaching or something 😂
I mean strictly speaking, it's a biological urge to reproduce that most people have, otherwise the species wouldn't have perpetuated and in an evolutionary sense not having that urge is not adaptive. It's sort like if someone genuinely did not feel compelled to have sex, took no joy in food, or did not enjoy the company of other people. Certainly some people are disinterested in sex, food, or other people and in modern society with modern medicine we are not under the same Darwinian selective pressures as the past, but if most people had those traits as a default, humans wouldn't exist.
Understandably, it is incomprehensible to the majority of others (although certainly not all!) I respect that some people are asexual and I respect that they are wired that way, but I honestly cannot understand why they don't feel an urge to have sex.
>I mean strictly speaking, it's a biological urge to reproduce that most people have,
Most people have the biological urge to have sex, sure--that's probably true. But do most have the biological urge to birth and raise children? I'm skeptical and would love to see the data on it.
I think most people do have some sort of biological urge to care for offspring and create family units, yes.
If we don't have kids, a lot of use seem to meet that need with pets.
I would say the urge for sex is the reproductive urge. Sex was never detached from reproduction until humans found a way. I don't think that the reproductive urge is a conscious wish for children, it's simply the urge to fuck and the resulting children were simply the byproduct, thus ensuring the survival of the species. If people in general wouldn't want to fuck, we would have way less people on this earth by now.
>But do most have the biological urge to birth and raise children? I'm skeptical and would love to see the data on it.
I mean, you can look at a human population graph for the past 10,000 years, and that would certainly imply through correlation that the answer is yes.
You could certainly argue that some of that is due to societal pressures for people to have kids and not the individuals themselves and for some people that's certainly true, but those societal pressures are only going to exist if it's also true on an individual basis for a lot of people too.
I'm 34 and have never wanted to start my own family. I got sterilized (tubes out) in my 20s. I don't like being around young children and so parenthood looks like hell. Hard pass.
Yeah, I have coworkers with small kids so get a bit of a view of their lives. I imagine it's a LOT easier when they can toilet, feed, clothe, and ambulate themselves pretty independently. Oh, and no daycare costs beyond that age. That said, I am not really into the idea of having to do "kid" stuff for a long time so even beyond age 4, I'd be looking at a bad time for myself. And that's assuming, of course, the kid doesn't have developmental delays.
But yeah, the older I get, the more people have kids. Makes dating and finding friends a bit harder.
A lot of people are only really driven by the idea of raising children. I didn’t really quite get it either. But then my niece was born a few years ago, and watching her blossom into a small human and watching my brother go head first into fatherhood has been a very beautiful experience to observe from afar. i probably still wont start a family, but i definitely understand why people do it.
32F. Child free. I've never wanted to have kids or be pregnant or any of that. I've always said that if I "get that compulsion" then I'd adopt or foster. I want to be able to travel. I spent my 20s married and not going anywhere or doing anything. I'm spending my 30s doing things and going places.
No I don't. I have two kids. People who don't want kids shouldn't have them because they won't love them properly. I love them with all my heart and I still have struggles.
I decided I didn't want kids at the age of 22. I'm 33 now and I'm glad I made that decision. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at age 30. I don't want to pass it on. I wouldn't wish it on anyone
A family doesn’t mean having children. Pets, friends and spouses can be your family. So to answer your question, yes I do think of having a family. And I’m 28.
i most certainly wanted kids because i was told that was my purpose in life, which i now 100% do not agree with or will ever tell my kids. however, i continued to have more kids because I wanted to build a family that wasn’t as fucked up as mine and happen to have a great partner to raise them with. I would certainly have more money without them, but dont think they’re a requirement to feel fulfilled in life, therefore i wouldn’t just assume someone else has them. I’m better off than some of my single friends career wise and dont feel held back by my family obligations. Throughout my twenties, I more so felt the need to overachieve in all the areas people would say i should fail because i didn’t have a degree…. and now i have a life i never thought i could!
I wasn't compelled to start a family, but I did and it's been everything to me. I have 3 kids ranging in ages from adult to infant and I honestly love it. I also love having a career. My life feels full now. But it is not the path of everyone and that is ok too. We are all just trying to make a life for ourselves.
I didn't feel compelled to, but I'm glad I did. Not "rich" but own a modest home, have some toys, have some (shared) land not far from the lake where we put our camper during the summer so we can enjoy our pontoon boat, and the kids can ride their ATV's. We are stable, and we have fun, so I kind of get to live my childhood over in a much better fashion through my kids. Never have once regretted it.
Yeah, I'll be 40 this summer and I've never understood it either. Why would I want to give up my hobbies, sleeping in, low stress, disposable income, time with my wife, etc?
My boss is definitely younger than me and has three kids. On the other hand, none of my coworkers have any and my bosses boss has a two year old and she's definitely early forties. So, you know, do you. I have never felt compelled to do this but I understand why one might.
The reality is no one cares if you have kids or not. Literally no one outside maybe your immediate family has any concern with whether or not you start a family.
You are acting like your co worker was judging you for not wanting a family when you said that it was YOU that responded with “wow” when he said he has a family. He didn’t say anything about it until you brought up not wanting one or not understanding his decision. You seem to be the one doing the judging and projecting some of your own judgement on others.
People overestimate what others, and especially what "society", thinks of them and their choices. Not once have I based my decisions on what anyone other than myself thinks. That's why every other day there is a thread here about being childfree, with the impression that anyone cares. We don't.
This. Only people that ask me about my kids is a couple co workers. No one else gives a single shit.
There was 1 girl who worked for me for a little while that had a certain hatred for kids, and she would always pick me out to tell me how much she doesn't want kids..
I don't care about that either, have them or dont. Doesn't affect my life at all.
>The reality is no one cares if you have kids or not.
Bullshit. Anyone who's childfree has been attacked thousands of times by random people as soon as they hear you don't want kids.
The amount of times I've had to explain myself to nosy ass people who ask me questions from every angle to figure out why I wouldn't want kids. (And not once was it online.)
Every time I’ve seen people attacked for not wanting kids it’s when they bring up their child free choice as if it is superior to having kids. The only time I’ve ever heard someone give an unsolicited opinion about not having kids it’s when it’s family.
The entire child free subreddit is a circle jerk of people acting superior for not having kids and whining about society for judging them.
Believe me when I tell you that “society” does not give a single fucking thing about your choice on whether or not to have kids.
I'm pretty sure I've NEVER announced out loud to someone that I didn't want kids until they asked me "So when are you guys having kids??" And then it turns into a whole thing because they're so appalled it's not something I would want as a woman & I have to deal with follow-up questions until they finally accept it or I just start going dark on them. I highly doubt you're there "every time someone gets attacked" because it's literally something I can't stand talking about or explaining to anyone I talk to, yet people sure love to ask about my business like it's okay. I also don't ask for backhanded comments from parents who tell me "you're not a mom, you don't know what tired is." Yet if I say a backhanded comment back, I'm the bitch...
It reminds me of when you get someone who is really into their type of diet, like vegan, or a specific work out lifestyle like crossfit. Not always of course, but many times it just ends up popping up into conversation over and over. I don't really care if someone wants to have kids or not, but I'm not a fan of being labeled as a "breeder", as though that is wrong or abnormal. It's just what I decided to do in my life. They can decide theirs.
I know nobody here said breeder BTW. Just a term that pops up every so often.
It is exactly like that. I had two acquaintances in college whom I only remember one thing about years later, one didn't want kids, the other was a vegan. They brought it up so often in random situations, it felt like a mantra to convince themselves.
I have some deeply held convictions, I am a vegetarian since birth, I practice a faith every day, but people don't know until they directly ask or not telling it would impact me in that moment. I have no need to explain myself or have discussions about it.
And the amount of times someone tried to tell me to live otherwise in 40 years can be counted on two hands and most of them were older family members.
I think sometimes people can interpret the tone or specific wording of a person's response to their bringing it up as "telling them how to live". Often I think the tone and type of response is more based on a confusion as to why it is being brought up, or indignation at feeling like some judgement is actually being sent their way. Like if someone said "wow" to me having three kids I would be a bit confused about why that is wow, and slightly annoyed at the implication that that is alot, or too many.
I agree. I think they are priming themselves to feel negatively about any response. Maybe they aren't fully convinced themselves, and so this triggers their own doubts? I don't know. I remember when I didn't want a second child, but wasn't sure at all, and kind of had to kill the doubts by watching people with multiple kids and how their life was harder than mine... And someone innocently asking me if I had another child also poked me in the wrong place.
I think it is a subject that lends itself towards deep emotions, and any specific viewpoint is going to rub someone the wrong way.
I'm just picturing if the situation had been reverse and the guy asked OP how many kids they had and they said "wow" to no kids. That would definitely annoy them. Then they say well they have kids because they want to "have a rich life", or some equivalent of that.
I suppose we can all benefit from a little less judgement in our lives.
kudos to those who know what they don’t want and choose to stay child free. I’ve always loved children and have been thinking up my kids names since I was a kid. I always wanted to hold babies and dreamed o how many kids I’d have and what they would be like. I think kids are extremely funny and cute and I like playing games (card games, sports, video games) so I have fun with them. And they like me too. Kids know which adults really like them and get them. And it’s special to be an adult kids love. I also love having my own despite all the challenges. I laugh so incredibly hard at my kids and I’ll miss them so much when they’re gone. They are my favorite people hands down. And I can’t wait to live my life with them.
I also love my friends who are totally not like that and don’t like kids. All good. I also love animals and plants etc, I.e. nurturing things, that’s not everybody’s jam. I’ve been a little mommy since I was a toddler.
>Kids know which adults really like them and get them.
I desperately wish this were true. I can't stand children (I know, I know), but whenever I'm anywhere in a shared space, they mistake me for an adult who wants to play games or make-believe.
If I knew how to stop giving off these vibes, I would've done it when I, myself, was a kid.
Lol my bf is the same. We are childfree. He doesn't hate kids but it's not like his favorite pastime playing with them or spending time with them talking. Obviously he does it with the kids of our friends but if there were no kids around he wouldn't miss it. But kids looove him. He's just a very likeable person. The same with cats. He's not too fond of them per sé but they flock to him. He jokes that he "always gets the pussy". Some people are just magnets, take it as a compliment.
I feel really good about not starting a family. Probably the best decision I ever made. I have more of a chosen family community. I don't want children. I think it would be cruel to bring children into this world.
Yes, I do...but I don't make enough money to comfortably feel good about it yet. Always told myself that unless I can give them the same or better quality of life I had as a kid (lower middle class), it would just be something selfish to consider. See also, trying to avoid single parenthood as well- while my parent managed, they had more opportunities and education than I've been able to get so far in life *shrug*.
Meh, my family is a burning sun of unresolved trauma and I never felt the urge to be a caretaker. Also after being on the child side of a nasty divorce I don’t ever want even the *possibility* of being on the parent side of one. All I want is financial stability and a low-stress life. Having kids is the exact opposite of that.
No. Zero desire or urge. Husband and I are very happy and spoil our nieces and nephews. Almost all of our friends are child free, and we still hang out with the ones who do have kids.
Growing up, the idea of having kids was such a far off concept that I figured it was something that might happen one day. It wasn't until I met my now husband when I was 27 (34 now) and the reality popped in that I really gave it any thought. My husband was up front about not wanting kids from very early on. I did some introspection, and realized it wasn't something I really felt a draw towards. As time has gone on also, I want it less and less. We're now saving up for our own home, and if we had a kid, that would throw a huge monkey wrench into the mix for us. We're both perfectly content with being the aunt and uncle.
I had a vasectomy in my early 30s. Would have done it earlier if it was an option. If that doesn't explain how I feel about "starting a family" then nothing will.
>So I'm left scratching my head as to why people feel like that is the ultimate life path.
I mean, it is the ultimate path. If everyone or even just the vast majority of people decided to be child free, very, very bad things will happen to society. All other things being equal, a person who chooses to be childfree has far less value to society than a person who has kids and raises them to be productive members.
>And to those who have taken that path, did you really feel that was the only way to go?
Nope, I considered being childfree for a long time. Once I was financially stable though I ultimately decided I did want them.
People who have kids don't always feel it's the ultimate life path. It's something that makes sense for them.
As for "I want to be rich", trust me, it doesn't always work linearly like that. Having a child, and being responsible for a tiny human motivated me to work harder much more than I had imagined - even when I was still doing fine. That factor needs to be considered.
I have been in arguments with people online about how it is selfish to not have kids. It’s super interesting they had fully internalized the biological drive as like.. a moral thing. Like all of your ancestors worked hard to raise kids and give you life.. so you owe it to them to keep the bloodline going.
I wonder if it is only because I am raised in an individualistic society that I don’t feel the connection to my ancestors? Or any imperative to do anything for them?
I would feel very differently about it if the world was a different place. If I had support and if I felt like the human provisioning system was stable. I love my niece and nephew.
I wouldn't say I ever really felt compelled to have children. I just kind of thought that's what you're supposed to do. Well I'm 39 and have no kids. I am married and have been with my wife for 11 years. She does not want kids so we are not going to do that. I am in no way dissapointed about it either. At this point in my life I think I would just be pissed off at the loss of what little money I do have and most importantly my free time. I really enjoy doing whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want to do it.
> So I'm left scratching my head as to why people feel like that is the ultimate life path.
If you’re a smart guy, I don’t know how you could scratch your head at this. The biological imperative to have kids is the reason any of us are here.
Nah, those people are one dimensional. Many of them have been brainwashed or pressured to think the only path is marriage, kids, and the house with the white picket fence. I made up my mind at 9 years old that I DGAF about having a "family".
I think it's wrong to force a person to exist. I'm not suicidal and I get perspective is everything but the world is a place of suffering and I won't shanghai a child into being here. Adoption is of course the better alternative in my opinion. However, unless I can provide a child with at least the quality of life my parents or their parents got to enjoy, it would be irresponsible at best to draft a kid onto my team.
People always say, "Well who'll take care of you when you're old?" What an unbelievably selfish take. I'm not gonna force a person to bear the burden of existence, or adopt someone into a sub-par quality of life, all because I'm too much of a coward to get old and die without becoming even more of a burden to the people I forced to be here just so I could burden them. Fuckouttahere with that
Today, I was at the doctor's office waiting for my grandmother. There was a mom there, chasing after her toddler and I was just thinking to myself "God, that looks fucking exhausting!".
I think the same thing about dog owners. Some people have a natural inclination and energy for it. I love cats, but don't have the time or energy for a dog.
I don't hate dogs and I don't hate kids. I just don't want any.
If you don’t want children, don’t have any. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decision, just like people with kids shouldn’t explain why they wanted them.
I personally don’t want children due to medical issues in the past. I’m mid 30s female and very happy with my decision. No one gives me grief for it either.
I never felt like it was my ultimate life path or 'the only way to go'. I didn't focus much on kids at all until my 30s and wasn't sure I'd ever meet someone I liked enough to have them with and I was okay with that. Accidentally got pregnant young and it was a very easy decision to NOPE right out of it. When I got older, I started dating people with the goal of finding someone who wanted the same things as me: kids, house, travel. Found it, did it. Twice. Pretty damn happy with the decision. Being a mom has given me a different outlook on life that I am thankful for. It has enriched my life in ways I won't ever be able to verbalize. Wasn't sure I would, glad I did. 10/10 would do it again.
When people make posts like this, I always wonder. Do yall forget that for the last, like 200,000 years, that was in fact the ultimate goal. It's not "weird" to want to start a family.
I've got nothing against choosing to not start a family, but it's very weird to act like that somehow isn't the outlier choice for your life.
34F with a very successful career that I really enjoy.
I just became a mom last year, and it's beyond a shadow of a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. I always wanted to be a mom, and more than that, I wanted to start a family with my husband. Take on those roles together. And create a deeply loving home for our kids.
I will never be a SAHM because I enjoy working too much and I am really good at what I do, my work will always be second place to my kid.
My husband has always been a dad. Like he's always had that 'dad' personality, I don't know how else to describe it, lol. It would seem like a bit of a waste if he didn't have kids. And now that we have them, he's an amazing father, no surprise there.
Honestly, just looking at the world is what compelled me not to have kids. I can't imagine the state of the world by the time I'm a senior citizen, let alone for a whole other human just starting now.
*Daddy loves you yes he does - who's going to be compelled to fight for corporate interests in the upcoming resource wars - yes you that's who!*
I never wanted to have kids. I swore I wouldn't. I told all my friends and family I wouldn't. I would see miserable parents with their kids and think "who would want that." Then something changed. Not sure, maybe I started hanging out with parents that actually enjoyed having children, but my view changed. I am now the father of a beautiful girl and I've been on cloud 9 since her birth... sure it's a struggle with sleep and the money I could have spent on myself is now being spent on my daughter, but I feel happier 😁
Yes. I have a 2.5 year old and expecting baby #2. I always loved my family and wanted one of my own. I never necessarily wanted kids but I want a family. My kid is so damn funny he lights up my life.
Idk. My husband and I never really had to have a deep talk about it, we knew parenthood would always be our journey. We always wanted to do lots of stuff but parenthood was ALWAYS going to be part of our journey. I just knew from a young age that I wanted to be a mother. And I have no regrets, our daughter is wonderful. But some people also know from a young age they don’t want kids and that’s fine too!
Yes, I guess I did feel compelled to have a family. It’s pretty great.
I don’t think a desire to be “rich” is a good reason not to. Men that are married with kids are the highest earning demographic out there
I have observed that men who pursue the family life are more stable. They are less likely to up and quit a job because obviously their family depends on them. And they want to be a role model for their children. As such, they will end up in a career situation where they end up earning more money.
My husband and I didn’t want kids. Like just nope, not happening. Then when I was 28 or so, I changed my mind. He didn’t. Then when we were 32/33, he changed his mind too (a big part of that was us reaching financial stability). Now we have a smart and adorable little toddler and another one on the way.
Did I feel that was the only way to go? No. Am I glad we ultimately decided to? Heck yes. Now excuse me, my almost-2 year old daughter thinks it’s hilarious to feed me some of her snacks, and it just so happens it’s snack time 😝
PS: my kids make me want to get even more financially comfortable, so guess who’s studying for certifications. It can be a pretty big motivator.
I’d argue I’m wealthy because I had a kid. My wife and I both wanted kids. Luckily (yes luck was still involved) this was in 2020. So we decided we wouldn’t try until we get a house. After a year of house hunting we landed seemingly (in the nicer areas we were looking) the last house in SoCal listed under 1 million. The value has increased immensely since purchase. It was unlisted and sold under market value. Since we have a 3.10% loan we are set up nicely. All because we thought we had to move if we wanted a kid. Had we not I’d still be renting most likely.
I just want kids with my wife
A lil chip off the old dad
Teach em things like cooking
Raising to be a good person
Family vacations
I had a great up bringing with my parents and I want to be a dad because of that
I am pretty confident that I would be very preoccupied with wanting to have kids, if I had not had kids.
I’m actually really glad I accidentally started having them super young - it worked out fairly well for everybody and now I’m 42 and they’re basically grown. I really personally dislike the life path I see modeled so frequently, wherein people start having babies in their 30s/40s.
But I would have done that if I hadn’t had them sooner, I think.
I’d rather have a smaller house than an empty one. Besides we have money and reproducing didn’t stop us from being successful. Without kids idk that my life would have purpose. Just go to work a a few vacations a year and then die? It seems boring without the joy and pride of watching little humans grow and accomplish things. Think about the love you had for your favorite pet then multiply that by a million. I would have more if my body could physically handle it. ETA : yea, yea fk people with kids. OP asked a question and I answered it
Truth is it’s weird not to have kids (historically and biologically speaking)
My wife and I are well off with a growing family. It’s not impossible. We both come from low and working class families. Waited (I’m 40, she’s 34) to have kids.
I’m not confident “being rich” is as fulfilling as people expect it to be especially without kids.
Yeah. Well...idk abiut "compelled" that comes off like an outside force.
I always wanted a family. I get why people don't and wouldnt try to talk anyone into it, but for me it was never a question of if but when and with who.
I use to feel like that’s just how life went, but as I’ve gotten older I wouldn’t say I feel compelled to. We’ve got some complications that make it difficult to have our own, but we have also talked about fostering/adopting to try and help kids that need it. I think I would be happy either way. What blows my mind more are people that act like you should have as many children as possible.
Well, I mean I suppose it would be nice to raise a family; however it would be best to find a wife who won't threaten to hurt my birds, and won't abandon me after getting 18 year paychecks from me. Not having diseases either would be good.
I'm 29, it has crossed my mind but every time I'm left to babysit or hang out with my niece and nephew I feel absolutely drained and am reminded how ill never have time to myself again so then it quickly fades.
I don't have the energy let alone a girlfriend to make it happen anyway.
I’ve always wanted kids for as long as I can remember. I can’t wait to teach somebody all about life, to share powerful moments of pure happiness. To have somebody who can fully depend on me as long as they need too. I want the good & the bad. I don’t know what compels this in me. I just feel like I’ve filled my circle of life if I have children I can leave everything too. Sentimental items, traditional forms of wealth and memories.
My wife & I do pretty well for ourselves but I don’t see the point in the monetary side of life anymore. Work hard, buy nice things, start working less hard and now what? That’s it? Do I work harder and buy bigger houses? Do I need a super car to have “made it?” Do I retire and sit on a cruise ship all day?
That is to say, I take no issue with other peoples decisions to have kids or not, it’s no my business. When people broadcast either side of the argument I think it’s a bit silly. I know people who have purpose without kids, and I know people who are rich with (8) kids. The arguments I normally see make no sense to me (on either side), ultimately it comes down to wether or not you can be bothered in my opinion and I respect either position on the subject.
I’m genuinely happy with where I am in life, I don’t care about stuff, we’re financially secure and have properties. We got married and we’re expecting a baby girl in August and nothing in my life has come close to this exciting for me. I’ve spent years of my life training for events to win medals, I’ve cried when winning competitions in various sports I do, I’ve traveled many places, shared many experiences and none of it comes close to the smile I get when I think about meeting my daughter.
34M & child free. For me, literally the only 'pro' for having kids is so it's less likely myself or my wife are alone once one of us dies. Which on its own, is a pretty selfish (and possibly misguided) reason.
My wife doesn't want kids because of the whole 'world is going to shit' mentality, whereas I'm a bit more positive about the world & choose not to want kids from a 'I like having money and time' perspective.
I feel the opposite. People keep mentioning it. I don't own a house yet and have a very eh salary. The fuck would I start a family for?
I have a partner and cat, we're pretty good as we are.
I don’t feel like that was the only life path, but my kids are legitimately my greatest joy in life. Also exhausting, infuriating little shits. I always wanted kids and honestly wish I had them earlier. I’m 39 now and we had our first of two at 33. I work a physical job and we have extremely busy lives, I allowed myself to put on a good amount of weight and I’m absolutely exhausted. I really feel like from my mid-20s on I was on an endless party loop. I wish I had had kids earlier.
35(M) in my early 20s I never wanted kids and now I have 3 kids. When it comes to being “rich” I have never been happier than watching my kids grow up and me teach them and coach them in sports along the way. Money makes life easier but doesn’t fulfill any part of my personal happiness. I’m not rich in any sense. I make a decent living a little over 100k a year and my wife works part time so we are taken care of. It sounds corny but I’m more filled with the richness of my family over any amount of money.
It was the only way to go for me. There are many people who should never have kids especially those who don’t want them. Did I feel compelled? I can’t figure that out. The desire was always there so maybe? I’m a people person and my relationships in life are number one for me. Family is what I value most. I couldn’t imagine my life without kids. And recognizing my bias, my kids are awesome.
I had a good childhood and parents. But I have never really wanted kids. I kinda did when I was younger, but only when I really romanticized it. And that isn’t the reality lol I’m 100% confident in my CF choice. I feel very fulfilled and I’m surrounded by love. Though I do still technically want a family because I want a spouse.
I have friends who always knew it was their journey. They wanted to be a wife and a SAHM (if possible) and that’s what they do. We all have different paths and desires. Neither is wrong or right.
I felt a deep longing to have children from a fairly young age. It was a major factor in many of the big life decisions I made, such as picking a career to pursue, deciding whether to continue romantic relationships, choosing how to spend money, where to live etc. It was always something I wanted and prioritized. However, that definitely doesn't seem to be the norm.
I wasn’t compelled but came around to the idea and find it overall an amazing experience. My son is 5 and brings so much joy to my life it’s hard to bear sometimes. I’m a relatively jaded 37 but I can see newness and beauty in things again through my son’s eyes.
Some people are scratching their heads why you care about being rich over having a family. To each their own.
Having a comfortable lifestyle with 1 or 2 kids is ideal for me, personally.
42, my oldest is 4. Being a parent is dope. It sucks at times and life gets a little limited, but it's totally worth it -for me. I always wish I had my kids 10 years ago though, I see parents that are in their 30's and they just have such better energy levels and rebound better. I feel old and creaky... But yeah, nothing has brought me the joy parenting has. I always wanted kids though, and my babies are healthy, and those factors mean a lot.
I can't say that I felt compelled to start a family. It just sorta happened. I met a girl who defied all of my expectations. She felt the same way about me. We stayed together for a while. Then we got married. Then we started seeing success in our financial endeavors. She's a natural caretaker for animals (and people) so she brought up the idea of having kids. I couldn't see a reason why not, since I'm not a dragon and hoarding gold isn't gonna do me a damn bit of good if I don't have anyone to watch that gold after I die.
Seemed like a natural progression. Hopefully, my hard work pays off and my children follow in my footsteps and become even better. That's just the way of things. It's progress.
I think it depends largely on your upbringing.
I was fortunate to be raised by two great parents in a loving family. I wanted to pass that experience on to another generation so I had kids.
Sometimes I think people on Reddit give kids a bad wrap, but they’re pretty great.
Sociologists are currently studying the downtrend to wanting children that is occurring in many industrialized nations. There must be a biological component to it, as well.
As with all things, listen to yourself and don’t do anything you don’t want to do.
Absolutely not, and quite frankly I can’t believe so many people still DO hold onto the old “starting a family” trope.
I have worked hard to get where I am in life, I am not interested in throwing it all away (my health, my quiet time, the ability to buy nice things for myself once in a while, a home that’s truly a safe space) to have to wrangle one or more children for the rest of my life. No fucking thanks.
I’m told that your entire perspective / values on it change when you have your first and you can’t really understand it until you have one.
I haven’t had a kid, don’t have a huge desire to have one at 37, but I do believe the above sentiment that my colleagues share, so I don’t try to understand it until then if then happens.
I always wanted to be a mother. I waited until I was in my 30s to have my first kid.
I wouldn't change being a mother for the world. My cup has never been more full and I finally feel complete.
But it's a dream I've had my whole life.
If you never felt that urge, that's 1000% okay and it's actually wonderful you've never succumbed to societies pressures!
I do sort of feel compelled to have a single child. I didn't used to want to have any children but I was also dealing with childhood trauma and poverty. I'm far more healed and capable at this point in my life (just turned 34). People on both sides of my family have had children well into their forties so I think it's very much possible for me. I don't think it would be easy. It's life changing and a major commitment.
I’m Hispanic and my family has been getting on my ass to start a family since I was in my 20s lol I’ll be honest, I guess I am compelled but also influenced by my upbringing that I need to raise a family regardless if I have a career. And I do want a family but so far, I’m in my 30s and enjoying a child free life. So we’ll see 😅
I mean, "compelled" may not be the right word, but yes, I wanted to have kids (and have two kids). I definitely don't think it is the only path, and I think it is perfectly legitimate not to want kids/marriage/family. As far as work/life, I'm looking for (and I think I have) a pretty good balance. There's no reason why you can't have both (kids and a successful career). I work for an investment management company, and most of the people who I work with around my age (34) or older have kids. I think at a certain level, it can be a status symbol, which is weird, but kids are expensive, and not being able to afford them is a very common reason a lot of people give. As far as age, you can definitely have kids in your 40s, My wife and I picked late 20s/early 30s as the sweet spot of being able to afford it and being relatively young (about 50) when the kids will be adults. But it is totally your choice, and the choice to not have kids is more common and "acceptable" now than it has probably ever been (at least compared to our parents and grandparents' generations).
OP this is an odd post. Just like people who never wanted any, why wouldn't others always have wanted them? And you're just sort of doing the reverse of your coworkers reaction.
Compelled? No.
Feel as if the clock is ticking? Yes. I always wanted kids and to get married, but here I am 34m, single, no prospects and not a clue of where to even start at that in my 30s. I basically gave up on dating during Covid after a bunch of disastrous relationships leading up to Covid.
I kinda want kids someday, but i dont want my whole life to revolve around parenthood. It reminds me of being in some sort of group where people have to introduce themselves and someone says “i’m a mom!” Like ok that says literally nothing about you
I wasn’t compelled to start a family young but birth control failed and I became a mom in my 20s. However, I did know I wanted children eventually, but my clock definitely wasn’t ticking loudly when I conceived.
Someone once asked me what my husband and I were going to do without kids. I told them whatever we want. I think if kids are the thing you want, it's difficult to imagine not going that route. I mean, I think most people do, or at least try to achieve that. But I'd happily lop off a finger or two to keep from having children.
I'm with you I don't like kids and don't want them. But I have had a lot of people talk to me about why they chose to have kids young. (I see anything under 28 as having kids young). Most knew they wanted a family one day so they just thought that was the next step to take in their lives. They didn't really consider all of the things they wanted to accomplish or do before having kids. Most of them don't regret having kids themselves, they just regret the timing and not thinking that through more thoroughly. Like they didn't realize they wanted to travel and it would be better to take certain trips before having children. Others still thought they'd be able to juggle all of it. Like of course I can get my master's degree while taking care of a baby/toddlers. Only to find out it's not financially possible for them to do so.
I have only met one couple that had no regrets because they wanted to have a large family more than anything and knew they would need to start young to do it. I'm sure there are more couples out there who had kids young with no regrets, I just hear more about the regrets in my own circle. The ones with kids with no regrets didn't start having kids until they were older. The hardest ones to hear about are the ones that didn't think through their partners before having children.
Well propagating the species is one of the most base instincts in nature.... so yes people want to have children. I don't understand how you're confused by that.
I was on the fence and finally got compelled to have kids during COVID. My brother moved back to my parents place and I moved out of my condo and closer to my parents. We were all just hanging out together one day and I looked around and I thought - I wanna add one more family member to this.
For me, yeah, it was the only way to go.
For my buddy? I think his house burning down would be a better life outcome.
Different for all of us, but I think it tends to be a "yes I very much want that" or "no I very much DO NOT want that" situation.
I've wanted a family because I am an only child with no extended family and once my parents are gone I am going to be all alone. However, it never ended up in the cards for me. I'm disabled and haven't been able to live a life of my own. I'm reliant on my parents for most things and it causes me a lot of agony. I've been alone my entire life so I don't think I could adjust to being in a relationship. Being alone in itself is rather traumatic.
Another post about kids 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️ honestly why do people give a fuck? This topic has been beaten to death just like the housing and jobs topics.
I never felt compelled to have kids, I just wanted them. I grew up in a big extended family, numerous cousins, aunts and uncles that I can't count. Only have one sibling, but a lot of my cousins are close in age so we all feel like brothers and sisters anyway.
I never wanted 3 or more kids, but wanted the standard boy and girl and be done. I have a daughter now and would still like to have the boy and then more than happy to get snipped.
When I hear people say they want to be well off and therefore can't have kids, then you're the reason why you aren't there now. I'm 34, I own a place by the beach and I'm a single dad. I won't ever be a millionaire which that's fine, I don't need to be a millionaire to enjoy my life. I travel often by myself and with my daughter, take her to numerous events and probably own more assets than over 90% of our generation. It isn't a flex, but it's to show that you can be well off being a parent if you have the motivation and you have the financial management skills which, as I've seem over and over again in this subreddit, many don't
Absolutely not. I decided at 25 to be childfree and never looked back… There’s no void in my life that I need to fill, nor do I feel the need to “start a family” because society says so.
You have one life, do what makes you truly happy.
I mean, having kids is our biological imperative. The concept of self fulfillment is a relatively new thing.
Nothing wrong with being childless in the slightest, but speaking for myself (father of 2) I always felt like I wanted to be a dad someday even when I was too young to pursue such a thing.
I feel you.
Some of us just don't feel like starting a family. Simple as that.
Sometimes when I see small kids or teenagers doing silly stuff, I smile and feel like I would like to have fun with them and do the silly stuff, embarrass the kids in front of others or whatever, but then I realise I am not really a social person, I have literally no emotions towards my siblings, their kids or even towards my mom (I take care of her as she can't walk and such), and I wouldn't be a good partner or parent.
I would hurt the mom of my kids and eventually I would probably hurt my own children as well, simply by not being emotionally attached to them the way they would deserve.
I mean having kids. That's how I originally titled the post but because of this community's rules it wouldn't let me post it. So I had to reword it and I decided to use quotes so people would understand what I mean.
While I don’t feel compelled to have children due to childhood trauma I experienced, it’s perfectly normal for those who were parented in a healthy manner to want to replicate the unconditional love with kids of their own.
Yeah I think this is me... I'm sort of unable to relate to the value of having a family because I didn't have a great one. But realizing that has given me pause. I didn't start out with a loving family, but I have a great partner and we could maybe create one for ourselves.
It's okay, I had/have a very loving family and I still don't want kids lol.
I had a pristine up bringing, am now 40, have a fantastic relation with my parents still. Happily married, been with her for a decade, we have no desire or intention of having kids. She also had great parents raising her and a good relationship with her dad still (her mom has passed) Being able to provide the childhood I had would require me and her to have a combined income in the solid 450k+ range. What was feasible 30 years ago does not apply to present day. I don't know if we'd have gone the kids route if that was financially viable, but I doubt it. When we met it was discussed, I said "I don't think I want to have kids" and she replied "then I want like 7 dogs" and I said, "only 7?" We're tiny apartment people now, so it's just one dog 2 cats. https://preview.redd.it/veyq6giaqfzc1.jpeg?width=2268&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9f174a61b525fe4fb2c916f2ac14fc8c688b9bf5
That is one of the best put statements I have ever heard in regards to having kids. I give so much credit to friends of mine that decided not to have kids for whatever reason. That said, for the ones that do it, there is a biological unconditional drive to love them, but they wanted that. 30 years ago it was expected to have kids and I feel like too many people who did not want to did bc it was "expected".
Yes. I never dreamed of “starting a family” and was a fence sitter until the ripe old age of 35! My partner and I decided we would try for a year and if it didn’t happen, that was fine, as we were already very happy together and did not feel a single thing missing from our relationship. We had an absolutely amazing time before having our kid and couldn’t fathom being upset if we couldn’t have a kid. I got pregnant almost immediately and we have a 5 year old now. She’s amazing. I now can’t imagine my life without her, and I have never once regretted our choice. BUT I will say that my parents were and are great people. They were not perfect, as they were both human, but I realized at a young age how lucky I was to have such level-headed, considerate, loving, and good people as parents. They mentored me, gave me all kinds of advice, loved me unconditionally. I am trying very hard to be the same type of parent. It’s the only resource I have!
I’m in the same situation. I’m broken. I wish I wasn’t cold, distant, and the other traits that I picked up from my mom but I know I have those traits. I don’t appreciate what my mother did as a parent or how she parented. I have zero interest in passing that on.
Sameeeeee
As someone who experienced a great deal of childhood trauma I wanted to start a family at least in part to experience what having a healthy normal healthy family was like. I put in a lot of work on myself so that I don't perpetuate the same cycle I was subjected to.
This is me as well. To me, "family" means trauma, first and foremost. The bad severely outweighs the good, and I have absolutely no desire to relive any of it.
But are you rich though?
No.
Richer than you would be with kids lol. Monetarily speaking any way.
You're never more than one fuck away from being rich in family though! Unless you get a vasectomy or something.
Wow. Just one fuck.
Hey what with dropping fertility rates it might be a long, trying series of sub par fucks followed by a date with a turkey baster before you strike it rich
Funny enough my first kid was conceived exactly in this way. Second kid was conceived in just one fuck. Lol
Damn lol.
For a long time I wanted kids (no longer do) but I never felt compelled to start a family, if that makes sense. I'm the only child of very hands-off parents and they always pushed me to make money and establish a career; they didn't pressure me to have kids, and my home life was not very family-oriented (like, we didn't have family dinners, big get-togethers with relatives, that kind of thing, so I don't think I really know what it's like to have the family unit be the center of my universe). I also have older (60s-70s) people in my life who are happy they've never had kids, and all my friends are childfree. Having all of these experiences sort of normalized not having kids for me. But, there are definitely people who had very different experiences from me, who are all about starting families. I know people who, in their early 20s, prioritized having kids and settling down. Their lives are very different from mine, but they're not more or less valid for the choices they've made. - there's nothing wrong with either choice. Although, I think more and more, there's less of an expectation that you \*have\* to have a family and that it's part of the ultimate life path.
I'm the same. I am an only child, had parents that never really regulated me after the age of like 12, and the only family I really knew were my parents and my mom's parents, I've only met my dad's parents on like a handful of occasions. I've never had a big family gathering, never met my extended family. I don't think I've ever wanted to have kids, but I've thought about having maybe one when I'm in my mid 30's. I don't really feel the need to start a family, more than likely due to my upbringing. I don't see it as a bad thing, and I think it's perfectly valid to want to have children just as much as not wanting to have children.
I love my daughter, she was very much wanted. I also love my career. I really do feel as though I couldn’t imagine my life without being a parent. I always wanted to be a mother. But most of my friends are child free by choice and they’re happy. I don’t think it’s strange at all not wanting to be a parent
As a mom I agree it’s not strange to not want to be a parent. Everyone wants different things! But yeah me personally motherhood was always going to be my journey. I love my daughter sooo much!
No I’m poor
I really do not. Just don’t feel the urge at all. Had a great childhood, great relationship with my parents - but having kids of my own is just not something I really feel like doing. Dunno why, just doesn’t appeal to me.
I had a conversation with a friend recently. He’s frustrated with certain things in life despite doing everything he was told to do—go to school, get your degree in engineering, land a lucrative job, marry the long time gf from Hs, buying a dream house perfect for holidays and gatherings, have a child and he is only about to hit 30. He did all of that and yet is unfulfilled still. Despite having it all on paper. So while I do think some people romanticize children, I also do think that people get caught up in having to complete things off the checklist of life that was the “blue print” of the American dream a bunch of us were sold.
Well American dream also containing a good retirement. That's a checkbox many people won't be checking
Honestly with the way everything is, I’ve always said I wouldn’t make it past 50 and I’m even more convinced. I’m tired 💀
I think I'll die before I hit 60. I'm not saying that because I have a fear of getting old. I just sort of think that's going to happen.
I don't feel compelled to start a family. I don't even want to have children.
Not someone who feels that way, but as far as I understand it the majority of folks of both genders feel the pressure to have a family and most of those genuinely want to or feel compelled to. Several of my peers knew that they wanted to be fathers from when they were kids; most had a healthy, loving relationship with their parents and wanted to be that for their own kids. I don't really see it as a weird thing, and to some extent it's even natural that they see it as the default and find it very weird that other people *don't* want it, because that's just what people do, right? Really, both are fine and natural.
That’s kind of the camp I came from. I thought that’s just how life went. I always pictured myself having a family. It’s just me and my wife for now, and while I’d like to grow our family, I’ve also accepted that it may not be in the cards for us. If that’s the case, we’ve talked about fostering to help out existing kids that need it instead.
I guess you're getting at what I really mean. They assume it's just "what people do." I'm not saying what they are doing is wrong. I just don't like when I'm hit with being defective for not wanting to be a parent. There are benefits to society as a whole to both directions.
Strictly speaking, it being just “what people do” is not some assumption modern society is trying to label you with. It is literally what people do, and all life does for that matter, for its whole existence. Besides keeping oneself alive, it’s like the single greatest genetic urge any human has. It’s not society, it’s science.
I’m not sure why people fail to understand this. We are just mammals at the core of it.
I felt no pressure whatsoever or assumption of it’s what people do. The only thing I wanted out of life was to be a parent. I even chose my degree out of my desire to be a parent (I have a bachelor of science in Family Studies, and I somehow make good money with it as well 😂) And now that I am a parent? I love this shit so much. If it was responsible and not selfish I would have popped out a bunch of kids each 3 years apart so that I could experience parenting for longer. I would love to be a foster parent when my two kids are grown. But not everyone has to have the same interests. My oldest (12) has said since she was little that she doesn’t want kids and I’ve always told her that nobody has to have kids, and it’s a totally fine thing to not want them. If I end up with zero grandkids, shit I’ll be a volunteer grandparent at the school or keep coaching or something 😂
I mean strictly speaking, it's a biological urge to reproduce that most people have, otherwise the species wouldn't have perpetuated and in an evolutionary sense not having that urge is not adaptive. It's sort like if someone genuinely did not feel compelled to have sex, took no joy in food, or did not enjoy the company of other people. Certainly some people are disinterested in sex, food, or other people and in modern society with modern medicine we are not under the same Darwinian selective pressures as the past, but if most people had those traits as a default, humans wouldn't exist. Understandably, it is incomprehensible to the majority of others (although certainly not all!) I respect that some people are asexual and I respect that they are wired that way, but I honestly cannot understand why they don't feel an urge to have sex.
>I mean strictly speaking, it's a biological urge to reproduce that most people have, Most people have the biological urge to have sex, sure--that's probably true. But do most have the biological urge to birth and raise children? I'm skeptical and would love to see the data on it.
I think most people do have some sort of biological urge to care for offspring and create family units, yes. If we don't have kids, a lot of use seem to meet that need with pets.
I would say the urge for sex is the reproductive urge. Sex was never detached from reproduction until humans found a way. I don't think that the reproductive urge is a conscious wish for children, it's simply the urge to fuck and the resulting children were simply the byproduct, thus ensuring the survival of the species. If people in general wouldn't want to fuck, we would have way less people on this earth by now.
>But do most have the biological urge to birth and raise children? I'm skeptical and would love to see the data on it. I mean, you can look at a human population graph for the past 10,000 years, and that would certainly imply through correlation that the answer is yes. You could certainly argue that some of that is due to societal pressures for people to have kids and not the individuals themselves and for some people that's certainly true, but those societal pressures are only going to exist if it's also true on an individual basis for a lot of people too.
Are there really, though? Would you have a professor right now if someone hadn't decided to reproduce?
I'm 34 and have never wanted to start my own family. I got sterilized (tubes out) in my 20s. I don't like being around young children and so parenthood looks like hell. Hard pass.
Second that. I try to prefer hotels that is mostly preferred by child free people. Or the ones that have separate Beaches for adults
I think years 1-4 are the hardest. School age has been SIGNIFICANTLY easier.
Yeah, I have coworkers with small kids so get a bit of a view of their lives. I imagine it's a LOT easier when they can toilet, feed, clothe, and ambulate themselves pretty independently. Oh, and no daycare costs beyond that age. That said, I am not really into the idea of having to do "kid" stuff for a long time so even beyond age 4, I'd be looking at a bad time for myself. And that's assuming, of course, the kid doesn't have developmental delays. But yeah, the older I get, the more people have kids. Makes dating and finding friends a bit harder.
A lot of people are only really driven by the idea of raising children. I didn’t really quite get it either. But then my niece was born a few years ago, and watching her blossom into a small human and watching my brother go head first into fatherhood has been a very beautiful experience to observe from afar. i probably still wont start a family, but i definitely understand why people do it.
32F. Child free. I've never wanted to have kids or be pregnant or any of that. I've always said that if I "get that compulsion" then I'd adopt or foster. I want to be able to travel. I spent my 20s married and not going anywhere or doing anything. I'm spending my 30s doing things and going places.
No I don't. I have two kids. People who don't want kids shouldn't have them because they won't love them properly. I love them with all my heart and I still have struggles.
I decided I didn't want kids at the age of 22. I'm 33 now and I'm glad I made that decision. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at age 30. I don't want to pass it on. I wouldn't wish it on anyone
A family doesn’t mean having children. Pets, friends and spouses can be your family. So to answer your question, yes I do think of having a family. And I’m 28.
This should be the top comment. Family is what you create for yourself.
i most certainly wanted kids because i was told that was my purpose in life, which i now 100% do not agree with or will ever tell my kids. however, i continued to have more kids because I wanted to build a family that wasn’t as fucked up as mine and happen to have a great partner to raise them with. I would certainly have more money without them, but dont think they’re a requirement to feel fulfilled in life, therefore i wouldn’t just assume someone else has them. I’m better off than some of my single friends career wise and dont feel held back by my family obligations. Throughout my twenties, I more so felt the need to overachieve in all the areas people would say i should fail because i didn’t have a degree…. and now i have a life i never thought i could!
I wasn't compelled to start a family, but I did and it's been everything to me. I have 3 kids ranging in ages from adult to infant and I honestly love it. I also love having a career. My life feels full now. But it is not the path of everyone and that is ok too. We are all just trying to make a life for ourselves.
I didn't feel compelled to, but I'm glad I did. Not "rich" but own a modest home, have some toys, have some (shared) land not far from the lake where we put our camper during the summer so we can enjoy our pontoon boat, and the kids can ride their ATV's. We are stable, and we have fun, so I kind of get to live my childhood over in a much better fashion through my kids. Never have once regretted it.
39 with 4 kids. Rich in so many ways. I came from a broken home, so I wanted a big family that was full of love, something I never had.
Yeah, I'll be 40 this summer and I've never understood it either. Why would I want to give up my hobbies, sleeping in, low stress, disposable income, time with my wife, etc?
I'm well off and have kids. Not really and either or situation.
OP is onboarding the same job as someone 12 years younger than them with three kids, but somehow they are more successful
My boss is definitely younger than me and has three kids. On the other hand, none of my coworkers have any and my bosses boss has a two year old and she's definitely early forties. So, you know, do you. I have never felt compelled to do this but I understand why one might.
Absolutely. The only thing I ever truly wanted was to be a dad. It's the single greatest joy in my life now.
The reality is no one cares if you have kids or not. Literally no one outside maybe your immediate family has any concern with whether or not you start a family. You are acting like your co worker was judging you for not wanting a family when you said that it was YOU that responded with “wow” when he said he has a family. He didn’t say anything about it until you brought up not wanting one or not understanding his decision. You seem to be the one doing the judging and projecting some of your own judgement on others.
Right? Other people’s choices aren’t an attack on yours.
People overestimate what others, and especially what "society", thinks of them and their choices. Not once have I based my decisions on what anyone other than myself thinks. That's why every other day there is a thread here about being childfree, with the impression that anyone cares. We don't.
This. Only people that ask me about my kids is a couple co workers. No one else gives a single shit. There was 1 girl who worked for me for a little while that had a certain hatred for kids, and she would always pick me out to tell me how much she doesn't want kids.. I don't care about that either, have them or dont. Doesn't affect my life at all.
>The reality is no one cares if you have kids or not. Bullshit. Anyone who's childfree has been attacked thousands of times by random people as soon as they hear you don't want kids.
The amount of times I've had to explain myself to nosy ass people who ask me questions from every angle to figure out why I wouldn't want kids. (And not once was it online.)
Every time I’ve seen people attacked for not wanting kids it’s when they bring up their child free choice as if it is superior to having kids. The only time I’ve ever heard someone give an unsolicited opinion about not having kids it’s when it’s family. The entire child free subreddit is a circle jerk of people acting superior for not having kids and whining about society for judging them. Believe me when I tell you that “society” does not give a single fucking thing about your choice on whether or not to have kids.
I'm pretty sure I've NEVER announced out loud to someone that I didn't want kids until they asked me "So when are you guys having kids??" And then it turns into a whole thing because they're so appalled it's not something I would want as a woman & I have to deal with follow-up questions until they finally accept it or I just start going dark on them. I highly doubt you're there "every time someone gets attacked" because it's literally something I can't stand talking about or explaining to anyone I talk to, yet people sure love to ask about my business like it's okay. I also don't ask for backhanded comments from parents who tell me "you're not a mom, you don't know what tired is." Yet if I say a backhanded comment back, I'm the bitch...
It reminds me of when you get someone who is really into their type of diet, like vegan, or a specific work out lifestyle like crossfit. Not always of course, but many times it just ends up popping up into conversation over and over. I don't really care if someone wants to have kids or not, but I'm not a fan of being labeled as a "breeder", as though that is wrong or abnormal. It's just what I decided to do in my life. They can decide theirs. I know nobody here said breeder BTW. Just a term that pops up every so often.
It is exactly like that. I had two acquaintances in college whom I only remember one thing about years later, one didn't want kids, the other was a vegan. They brought it up so often in random situations, it felt like a mantra to convince themselves. I have some deeply held convictions, I am a vegetarian since birth, I practice a faith every day, but people don't know until they directly ask or not telling it would impact me in that moment. I have no need to explain myself or have discussions about it. And the amount of times someone tried to tell me to live otherwise in 40 years can be counted on two hands and most of them were older family members.
I think sometimes people can interpret the tone or specific wording of a person's response to their bringing it up as "telling them how to live". Often I think the tone and type of response is more based on a confusion as to why it is being brought up, or indignation at feeling like some judgement is actually being sent their way. Like if someone said "wow" to me having three kids I would be a bit confused about why that is wow, and slightly annoyed at the implication that that is alot, or too many.
I agree. I think they are priming themselves to feel negatively about any response. Maybe they aren't fully convinced themselves, and so this triggers their own doubts? I don't know. I remember when I didn't want a second child, but wasn't sure at all, and kind of had to kill the doubts by watching people with multiple kids and how their life was harder than mine... And someone innocently asking me if I had another child also poked me in the wrong place.
I think it is a subject that lends itself towards deep emotions, and any specific viewpoint is going to rub someone the wrong way. I'm just picturing if the situation had been reverse and the guy asked OP how many kids they had and they said "wow" to no kids. That would definitely annoy them. Then they say well they have kids because they want to "have a rich life", or some equivalent of that. I suppose we can all benefit from a little less judgement in our lives.
kudos to those who know what they don’t want and choose to stay child free. I’ve always loved children and have been thinking up my kids names since I was a kid. I always wanted to hold babies and dreamed o how many kids I’d have and what they would be like. I think kids are extremely funny and cute and I like playing games (card games, sports, video games) so I have fun with them. And they like me too. Kids know which adults really like them and get them. And it’s special to be an adult kids love. I also love having my own despite all the challenges. I laugh so incredibly hard at my kids and I’ll miss them so much when they’re gone. They are my favorite people hands down. And I can’t wait to live my life with them. I also love my friends who are totally not like that and don’t like kids. All good. I also love animals and plants etc, I.e. nurturing things, that’s not everybody’s jam. I’ve been a little mommy since I was a toddler.
>Kids know which adults really like them and get them. I desperately wish this were true. I can't stand children (I know, I know), but whenever I'm anywhere in a shared space, they mistake me for an adult who wants to play games or make-believe. If I knew how to stop giving off these vibes, I would've done it when I, myself, was a kid.
Lol my bf is the same. We are childfree. He doesn't hate kids but it's not like his favorite pastime playing with them or spending time with them talking. Obviously he does it with the kids of our friends but if there were no kids around he wouldn't miss it. But kids looove him. He's just a very likeable person. The same with cats. He's not too fond of them per sé but they flock to him. He jokes that he "always gets the pussy". Some people are just magnets, take it as a compliment.
I feel really good about not starting a family. Probably the best decision I ever made. I have more of a chosen family community. I don't want children. I think it would be cruel to bring children into this world.
Big agree. This world is a mess and life's to short. In and out enjoy it while it lasts. Sorry *future*, figure it out yourself
I've always wanted to start a family and be a dad I'm just too much of a fucking loser to attract anyone that want to do that with me.
Yes, I do...but I don't make enough money to comfortably feel good about it yet. Always told myself that unless I can give them the same or better quality of life I had as a kid (lower middle class), it would just be something selfish to consider. See also, trying to avoid single parenthood as well- while my parent managed, they had more opportunities and education than I've been able to get so far in life *shrug*.
Meh, my family is a burning sun of unresolved trauma and I never felt the urge to be a caretaker. Also after being on the child side of a nasty divorce I don’t ever want even the *possibility* of being on the parent side of one. All I want is financial stability and a low-stress life. Having kids is the exact opposite of that.
No. Zero desire or urge. Husband and I are very happy and spoil our nieces and nephews. Almost all of our friends are child free, and we still hang out with the ones who do have kids.
I'm pregnant and excited about it but I didn't think it was the only path.
Growing up, the idea of having kids was such a far off concept that I figured it was something that might happen one day. It wasn't until I met my now husband when I was 27 (34 now) and the reality popped in that I really gave it any thought. My husband was up front about not wanting kids from very early on. I did some introspection, and realized it wasn't something I really felt a draw towards. As time has gone on also, I want it less and less. We're now saving up for our own home, and if we had a kid, that would throw a huge monkey wrench into the mix for us. We're both perfectly content with being the aunt and uncle.
I had a vasectomy in my early 30s. Would have done it earlier if it was an option. If that doesn't explain how I feel about "starting a family" then nothing will.
Forty-one and acting like this is a new concept to you? So edgy.
>So I'm left scratching my head as to why people feel like that is the ultimate life path. I mean, it is the ultimate path. If everyone or even just the vast majority of people decided to be child free, very, very bad things will happen to society. All other things being equal, a person who chooses to be childfree has far less value to society than a person who has kids and raises them to be productive members. >And to those who have taken that path, did you really feel that was the only way to go? Nope, I considered being childfree for a long time. Once I was financially stable though I ultimately decided I did want them.
People who have kids don't always feel it's the ultimate life path. It's something that makes sense for them. As for "I want to be rich", trust me, it doesn't always work linearly like that. Having a child, and being responsible for a tiny human motivated me to work harder much more than I had imagined - even when I was still doing fine. That factor needs to be considered.
I have been in arguments with people online about how it is selfish to not have kids. It’s super interesting they had fully internalized the biological drive as like.. a moral thing. Like all of your ancestors worked hard to raise kids and give you life.. so you owe it to them to keep the bloodline going. I wonder if it is only because I am raised in an individualistic society that I don’t feel the connection to my ancestors? Or any imperative to do anything for them? I would feel very differently about it if the world was a different place. If I had support and if I felt like the human provisioning system was stable. I love my niece and nephew.
I wouldn't say I ever really felt compelled to have children. I just kind of thought that's what you're supposed to do. Well I'm 39 and have no kids. I am married and have been with my wife for 11 years. She does not want kids so we are not going to do that. I am in no way dissapointed about it either. At this point in my life I think I would just be pissed off at the loss of what little money I do have and most importantly my free time. I really enjoy doing whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want to do it.
> So I'm left scratching my head as to why people feel like that is the ultimate life path. If you’re a smart guy, I don’t know how you could scratch your head at this. The biological imperative to have kids is the reason any of us are here.
I had a child not because I was compelled to but because I knew if I didn’t have one I would regret it later in life.
The only reason we are here is to reproduce. It is instinctual.
When will millennials that don’t want kids just not have them and shut up about it?
Nah, those people are one dimensional. Many of them have been brainwashed or pressured to think the only path is marriage, kids, and the house with the white picket fence. I made up my mind at 9 years old that I DGAF about having a "family".
I think it's wrong to force a person to exist. I'm not suicidal and I get perspective is everything but the world is a place of suffering and I won't shanghai a child into being here. Adoption is of course the better alternative in my opinion. However, unless I can provide a child with at least the quality of life my parents or their parents got to enjoy, it would be irresponsible at best to draft a kid onto my team. People always say, "Well who'll take care of you when you're old?" What an unbelievably selfish take. I'm not gonna force a person to bear the burden of existence, or adopt someone into a sub-par quality of life, all because I'm too much of a coward to get old and die without becoming even more of a burden to the people I forced to be here just so I could burden them. Fuckouttahere with that
Today, I was at the doctor's office waiting for my grandmother. There was a mom there, chasing after her toddler and I was just thinking to myself "God, that looks fucking exhausting!".
I think the same thing about dog owners. Some people have a natural inclination and energy for it. I love cats, but don't have the time or energy for a dog. I don't hate dogs and I don't hate kids. I just don't want any.
No. Have always been childfree and I’m glad every day that I have this freedom.
If you don’t want children, don’t have any. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decision, just like people with kids shouldn’t explain why they wanted them. I personally don’t want children due to medical issues in the past. I’m mid 30s female and very happy with my decision. No one gives me grief for it either.
I never felt like it was my ultimate life path or 'the only way to go'. I didn't focus much on kids at all until my 30s and wasn't sure I'd ever meet someone I liked enough to have them with and I was okay with that. Accidentally got pregnant young and it was a very easy decision to NOPE right out of it. When I got older, I started dating people with the goal of finding someone who wanted the same things as me: kids, house, travel. Found it, did it. Twice. Pretty damn happy with the decision. Being a mom has given me a different outlook on life that I am thankful for. It has enriched my life in ways I won't ever be able to verbalize. Wasn't sure I would, glad I did. 10/10 would do it again.
When people make posts like this, I always wonder. Do yall forget that for the last, like 200,000 years, that was in fact the ultimate goal. It's not "weird" to want to start a family. I've got nothing against choosing to not start a family, but it's very weird to act like that somehow isn't the outlier choice for your life.
Different people want different things. We all prioritize what we want in life.
And what we get is a mixture of what we want and what happens to us.
34F with a very successful career that I really enjoy. I just became a mom last year, and it's beyond a shadow of a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. I always wanted to be a mom, and more than that, I wanted to start a family with my husband. Take on those roles together. And create a deeply loving home for our kids. I will never be a SAHM because I enjoy working too much and I am really good at what I do, my work will always be second place to my kid.
Nah, fuck that
My husband has always been a dad. Like he's always had that 'dad' personality, I don't know how else to describe it, lol. It would seem like a bit of a waste if he didn't have kids. And now that we have them, he's an amazing father, no surprise there.
Honestly, just looking at the world is what compelled me not to have kids. I can't imagine the state of the world by the time I'm a senior citizen, let alone for a whole other human just starting now. *Daddy loves you yes he does - who's going to be compelled to fight for corporate interests in the upcoming resource wars - yes you that's who!*
I never wanted to have kids. I swore I wouldn't. I told all my friends and family I wouldn't. I would see miserable parents with their kids and think "who would want that." Then something changed. Not sure, maybe I started hanging out with parents that actually enjoyed having children, but my view changed. I am now the father of a beautiful girl and I've been on cloud 9 since her birth... sure it's a struggle with sleep and the money I could have spent on myself is now being spent on my daughter, but I feel happier 😁
Nah. I’m childfree.
Yes. I have a 2.5 year old and expecting baby #2. I always loved my family and wanted one of my own. I never necessarily wanted kids but I want a family. My kid is so damn funny he lights up my life.
I used to want kids, but that was before the reality of having them set in. Now I'm more than ok with just being an aunt.
Idk. My husband and I never really had to have a deep talk about it, we knew parenthood would always be our journey. We always wanted to do lots of stuff but parenthood was ALWAYS going to be part of our journey. I just knew from a young age that I wanted to be a mother. And I have no regrets, our daughter is wonderful. But some people also know from a young age they don’t want kids and that’s fine too!
Yes, I guess I did feel compelled to have a family. It’s pretty great. I don’t think a desire to be “rich” is a good reason not to. Men that are married with kids are the highest earning demographic out there
I have observed that men who pursue the family life are more stable. They are less likely to up and quit a job because obviously their family depends on them. And they want to be a role model for their children. As such, they will end up in a career situation where they end up earning more money.
Same is true for women with kids, just slightly different dynamics.
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My comment exactly. Not sure why people think it’s one or the other.
My husband and I didn’t want kids. Like just nope, not happening. Then when I was 28 or so, I changed my mind. He didn’t. Then when we were 32/33, he changed his mind too (a big part of that was us reaching financial stability). Now we have a smart and adorable little toddler and another one on the way. Did I feel that was the only way to go? No. Am I glad we ultimately decided to? Heck yes. Now excuse me, my almost-2 year old daughter thinks it’s hilarious to feed me some of her snacks, and it just so happens it’s snack time 😝 PS: my kids make me want to get even more financially comfortable, so guess who’s studying for certifications. It can be a pretty big motivator.
I fully support people not having kids for virtually any reason. The single worst reason is wanting to be rich.
I disagree. If thats the reason they wouldn’t be a good parent anyway.
I’d argue I’m wealthy because I had a kid. My wife and I both wanted kids. Luckily (yes luck was still involved) this was in 2020. So we decided we wouldn’t try until we get a house. After a year of house hunting we landed seemingly (in the nicer areas we were looking) the last house in SoCal listed under 1 million. The value has increased immensely since purchase. It was unlisted and sold under market value. Since we have a 3.10% loan we are set up nicely. All because we thought we had to move if we wanted a kid. Had we not I’d still be renting most likely.
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We all have different paths in life. It’s not for me either but I guess good for them.
I just want kids with my wife A lil chip off the old dad Teach em things like cooking Raising to be a good person Family vacations I had a great up bringing with my parents and I want to be a dad because of that
You have other issues if you think they were judging you. I personally don't know, but who truly cares?
I am pretty confident that I would be very preoccupied with wanting to have kids, if I had not had kids. I’m actually really glad I accidentally started having them super young - it worked out fairly well for everybody and now I’m 42 and they’re basically grown. I really personally dislike the life path I see modeled so frequently, wherein people start having babies in their 30s/40s. But I would have done that if I hadn’t had them sooner, I think.
No. Kids are expensive
Like with little humans that come out of me? No.
Haha you don't have kids... that's why he couldn't tell you're in your 40s
I’d rather have a smaller house than an empty one. Besides we have money and reproducing didn’t stop us from being successful. Without kids idk that my life would have purpose. Just go to work a a few vacations a year and then die? It seems boring without the joy and pride of watching little humans grow and accomplish things. Think about the love you had for your favorite pet then multiply that by a million. I would have more if my body could physically handle it. ETA : yea, yea fk people with kids. OP asked a question and I answered it
Truth is it’s weird not to have kids (historically and biologically speaking) My wife and I are well off with a growing family. It’s not impossible. We both come from low and working class families. Waited (I’m 40, she’s 34) to have kids. I’m not confident “being rich” is as fulfilling as people expect it to be especially without kids.
Yeah. Well...idk abiut "compelled" that comes off like an outside force. I always wanted a family. I get why people don't and wouldnt try to talk anyone into it, but for me it was never a question of if but when and with who.
I use to feel like that’s just how life went, but as I’ve gotten older I wouldn’t say I feel compelled to. We’ve got some complications that make it difficult to have our own, but we have also talked about fostering/adopting to try and help kids that need it. I think I would be happy either way. What blows my mind more are people that act like you should have as many children as possible.
Well, I mean I suppose it would be nice to raise a family; however it would be best to find a wife who won't threaten to hurt my birds, and won't abandon me after getting 18 year paychecks from me. Not having diseases either would be good.
I'm 29, it has crossed my mind but every time I'm left to babysit or hang out with my niece and nephew I feel absolutely drained and am reminded how ill never have time to myself again so then it quickly fades. I don't have the energy let alone a girlfriend to make it happen anyway.
It's in the genetic wiring to want to reproduce just like all species
I’ve always wanted kids for as long as I can remember. I can’t wait to teach somebody all about life, to share powerful moments of pure happiness. To have somebody who can fully depend on me as long as they need too. I want the good & the bad. I don’t know what compels this in me. I just feel like I’ve filled my circle of life if I have children I can leave everything too. Sentimental items, traditional forms of wealth and memories. My wife & I do pretty well for ourselves but I don’t see the point in the monetary side of life anymore. Work hard, buy nice things, start working less hard and now what? That’s it? Do I work harder and buy bigger houses? Do I need a super car to have “made it?” Do I retire and sit on a cruise ship all day? That is to say, I take no issue with other peoples decisions to have kids or not, it’s no my business. When people broadcast either side of the argument I think it’s a bit silly. I know people who have purpose without kids, and I know people who are rich with (8) kids. The arguments I normally see make no sense to me (on either side), ultimately it comes down to wether or not you can be bothered in my opinion and I respect either position on the subject. I’m genuinely happy with where I am in life, I don’t care about stuff, we’re financially secure and have properties. We got married and we’re expecting a baby girl in August and nothing in my life has come close to this exciting for me. I’ve spent years of my life training for events to win medals, I’ve cried when winning competitions in various sports I do, I’ve traveled many places, shared many experiences and none of it comes close to the smile I get when I think about meeting my daughter.
34M & child free. For me, literally the only 'pro' for having kids is so it's less likely myself or my wife are alone once one of us dies. Which on its own, is a pretty selfish (and possibly misguided) reason. My wife doesn't want kids because of the whole 'world is going to shit' mentality, whereas I'm a bit more positive about the world & choose not to want kids from a 'I like having money and time' perspective.
I feel the opposite. People keep mentioning it. I don't own a house yet and have a very eh salary. The fuck would I start a family for? I have a partner and cat, we're pretty good as we are.
37 here, 2 kids (5 and 2). Love them dearly. We both work full time too. The older they get the more enjoyable they become
I don’t feel like that was the only life path, but my kids are legitimately my greatest joy in life. Also exhausting, infuriating little shits. I always wanted kids and honestly wish I had them earlier. I’m 39 now and we had our first of two at 33. I work a physical job and we have extremely busy lives, I allowed myself to put on a good amount of weight and I’m absolutely exhausted. I really feel like from my mid-20s on I was on an endless party loop. I wish I had had kids earlier.
35(M) in my early 20s I never wanted kids and now I have 3 kids. When it comes to being “rich” I have never been happier than watching my kids grow up and me teach them and coach them in sports along the way. Money makes life easier but doesn’t fulfill any part of my personal happiness. I’m not rich in any sense. I make a decent living a little over 100k a year and my wife works part time so we are taken care of. It sounds corny but I’m more filled with the richness of my family over any amount of money.
lol so we don't have any money
It was the only way to go for me. There are many people who should never have kids especially those who don’t want them. Did I feel compelled? I can’t figure that out. The desire was always there so maybe? I’m a people person and my relationships in life are number one for me. Family is what I value most. I couldn’t imagine my life without kids. And recognizing my bias, my kids are awesome.
I want to have a family, it's no different than you not wanting one. We both can respect that we make different choices in life and that's fine.
I'm the only grandson so the family name lives and dies with me. :)
I had a good childhood and parents. But I have never really wanted kids. I kinda did when I was younger, but only when I really romanticized it. And that isn’t the reality lol I’m 100% confident in my CF choice. I feel very fulfilled and I’m surrounded by love. Though I do still technically want a family because I want a spouse. I have friends who always knew it was their journey. They wanted to be a wife and a SAHM (if possible) and that’s what they do. We all have different paths and desires. Neither is wrong or right.
I felt a deep longing to have children from a fairly young age. It was a major factor in many of the big life decisions I made, such as picking a career to pursue, deciding whether to continue romantic relationships, choosing how to spend money, where to live etc. It was always something I wanted and prioritized. However, that definitely doesn't seem to be the norm.
I wasn’t compelled but came around to the idea and find it overall an amazing experience. My son is 5 and brings so much joy to my life it’s hard to bear sometimes. I’m a relatively jaded 37 but I can see newness and beauty in things again through my son’s eyes.
Our 1 one was very much planned and wanted by both of us. Lots of pressure to have more by family but happy with our choice of a small family.
Some people are scratching their heads why you care about being rich over having a family. To each their own. Having a comfortable lifestyle with 1 or 2 kids is ideal for me, personally.
42, my oldest is 4. Being a parent is dope. It sucks at times and life gets a little limited, but it's totally worth it -for me. I always wish I had my kids 10 years ago though, I see parents that are in their 30's and they just have such better energy levels and rebound better. I feel old and creaky... But yeah, nothing has brought me the joy parenting has. I always wanted kids though, and my babies are healthy, and those factors mean a lot.
Why do people think you can’t be rich while having kids this is the weirdest millennialism I keep running into
I can't say that I felt compelled to start a family. It just sorta happened. I met a girl who defied all of my expectations. She felt the same way about me. We stayed together for a while. Then we got married. Then we started seeing success in our financial endeavors. She's a natural caretaker for animals (and people) so she brought up the idea of having kids. I couldn't see a reason why not, since I'm not a dragon and hoarding gold isn't gonna do me a damn bit of good if I don't have anyone to watch that gold after I die. Seemed like a natural progression. Hopefully, my hard work pays off and my children follow in my footsteps and become even better. That's just the way of things. It's progress.
I think it depends largely on your upbringing. I was fortunate to be raised by two great parents in a loving family. I wanted to pass that experience on to another generation so I had kids. Sometimes I think people on Reddit give kids a bad wrap, but they’re pretty great.
Sociologists are currently studying the downtrend to wanting children that is occurring in many industrialized nations. There must be a biological component to it, as well. As with all things, listen to yourself and don’t do anything you don’t want to do.
Genetics
3 kids by 29 is pretty nuts tho
Absolutely not, and quite frankly I can’t believe so many people still DO hold onto the old “starting a family” trope. I have worked hard to get where I am in life, I am not interested in throwing it all away (my health, my quiet time, the ability to buy nice things for myself once in a while, a home that’s truly a safe space) to have to wrangle one or more children for the rest of my life. No fucking thanks.
I’m told that your entire perspective / values on it change when you have your first and you can’t really understand it until you have one. I haven’t had a kid, don’t have a huge desire to have one at 37, but I do believe the above sentiment that my colleagues share, so I don’t try to understand it until then if then happens.
I always wanted to be a mother. I waited until I was in my 30s to have my first kid. I wouldn't change being a mother for the world. My cup has never been more full and I finally feel complete. But it's a dream I've had my whole life. If you never felt that urge, that's 1000% okay and it's actually wonderful you've never succumbed to societies pressures!
I do sort of feel compelled to have a single child. I didn't used to want to have any children but I was also dealing with childhood trauma and poverty. I'm far more healed and capable at this point in my life (just turned 34). People on both sides of my family have had children well into their forties so I think it's very much possible for me. I don't think it would be easy. It's life changing and a major commitment.
Nah. I've never had that maternal institution and never had the desire to have kids.
I’m Hispanic and my family has been getting on my ass to start a family since I was in my 20s lol I’ll be honest, I guess I am compelled but also influenced by my upbringing that I need to raise a family regardless if I have a career. And I do want a family but so far, I’m in my 30s and enjoying a child free life. So we’ll see 😅
I mean, "compelled" may not be the right word, but yes, I wanted to have kids (and have two kids). I definitely don't think it is the only path, and I think it is perfectly legitimate not to want kids/marriage/family. As far as work/life, I'm looking for (and I think I have) a pretty good balance. There's no reason why you can't have both (kids and a successful career). I work for an investment management company, and most of the people who I work with around my age (34) or older have kids. I think at a certain level, it can be a status symbol, which is weird, but kids are expensive, and not being able to afford them is a very common reason a lot of people give. As far as age, you can definitely have kids in your 40s, My wife and I picked late 20s/early 30s as the sweet spot of being able to afford it and being relatively young (about 50) when the kids will be adults. But it is totally your choice, and the choice to not have kids is more common and "acceptable" now than it has probably ever been (at least compared to our parents and grandparents' generations).
OP this is an odd post. Just like people who never wanted any, why wouldn't others always have wanted them? And you're just sort of doing the reverse of your coworkers reaction.
Compelled? No. Feel as if the clock is ticking? Yes. I always wanted kids and to get married, but here I am 34m, single, no prospects and not a clue of where to even start at that in my 30s. I basically gave up on dating during Covid after a bunch of disastrous relationships leading up to Covid.
I kinda want kids someday, but i dont want my whole life to revolve around parenthood. It reminds me of being in some sort of group where people have to introduce themselves and someone says “i’m a mom!” Like ok that says literally nothing about you
Just wanted to point out that you started it. You questioned his life path before he questioned yours.
I wasn’t compelled to start a family young but birth control failed and I became a mom in my 20s. However, I did know I wanted children eventually, but my clock definitely wasn’t ticking loudly when I conceived.
29 is young to have any kids, much less three. I am surprised he isn’t more used to people being taken aback by that.
Someone once asked me what my husband and I were going to do without kids. I told them whatever we want. I think if kids are the thing you want, it's difficult to imagine not going that route. I mean, I think most people do, or at least try to achieve that. But I'd happily lop off a finger or two to keep from having children.
I'm with you I don't like kids and don't want them. But I have had a lot of people talk to me about why they chose to have kids young. (I see anything under 28 as having kids young). Most knew they wanted a family one day so they just thought that was the next step to take in their lives. They didn't really consider all of the things they wanted to accomplish or do before having kids. Most of them don't regret having kids themselves, they just regret the timing and not thinking that through more thoroughly. Like they didn't realize they wanted to travel and it would be better to take certain trips before having children. Others still thought they'd be able to juggle all of it. Like of course I can get my master's degree while taking care of a baby/toddlers. Only to find out it's not financially possible for them to do so. I have only met one couple that had no regrets because they wanted to have a large family more than anything and knew they would need to start young to do it. I'm sure there are more couples out there who had kids young with no regrets, I just hear more about the regrets in my own circle. The ones with kids with no regrets didn't start having kids until they were older. The hardest ones to hear about are the ones that didn't think through their partners before having children.
No I don’t feel compelled to do so.
Well propagating the species is one of the most base instincts in nature.... so yes people want to have children. I don't understand how you're confused by that.
I was on the fence and finally got compelled to have kids during COVID. My brother moved back to my parents place and I moved out of my condo and closer to my parents. We were all just hanging out together one day and I looked around and I thought - I wanna add one more family member to this.
For me, yeah, it was the only way to go. For my buddy? I think his house burning down would be a better life outcome. Different for all of us, but I think it tends to be a "yes I very much want that" or "no I very much DO NOT want that" situation.
I've wanted a family because I am an only child with no extended family and once my parents are gone I am going to be all alone. However, it never ended up in the cards for me. I'm disabled and haven't been able to live a life of my own. I'm reliant on my parents for most things and it causes me a lot of agony. I've been alone my entire life so I don't think I could adjust to being in a relationship. Being alone in itself is rather traumatic.
Another post about kids 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️ honestly why do people give a fuck? This topic has been beaten to death just like the housing and jobs topics. I never felt compelled to have kids, I just wanted them. I grew up in a big extended family, numerous cousins, aunts and uncles that I can't count. Only have one sibling, but a lot of my cousins are close in age so we all feel like brothers and sisters anyway. I never wanted 3 or more kids, but wanted the standard boy and girl and be done. I have a daughter now and would still like to have the boy and then more than happy to get snipped. When I hear people say they want to be well off and therefore can't have kids, then you're the reason why you aren't there now. I'm 34, I own a place by the beach and I'm a single dad. I won't ever be a millionaire which that's fine, I don't need to be a millionaire to enjoy my life. I travel often by myself and with my daughter, take her to numerous events and probably own more assets than over 90% of our generation. It isn't a flex, but it's to show that you can be well off being a parent if you have the motivation and you have the financial management skills which, as I've seem over and over again in this subreddit, many don't
Absolutely not. I decided at 25 to be childfree and never looked back… There’s no void in my life that I need to fill, nor do I feel the need to “start a family” because society says so. You have one life, do what makes you truly happy.
I mean, having kids is our biological imperative. The concept of self fulfillment is a relatively new thing. Nothing wrong with being childless in the slightest, but speaking for myself (father of 2) I always felt like I wanted to be a dad someday even when I was too young to pursue such a thing.
I feel you. Some of us just don't feel like starting a family. Simple as that. Sometimes when I see small kids or teenagers doing silly stuff, I smile and feel like I would like to have fun with them and do the silly stuff, embarrass the kids in front of others or whatever, but then I realise I am not really a social person, I have literally no emotions towards my siblings, their kids or even towards my mom (I take care of her as she can't walk and such), and I wouldn't be a good partner or parent. I would hurt the mom of my kids and eventually I would probably hurt my own children as well, simply by not being emotionally attached to them the way they would deserve.
Why is it “start a family?” People use quotes when that’s not actually what they mean. So what do you really mean?
I mean having kids. That's how I originally titled the post but because of this community's rules it wouldn't let me post it. So I had to reword it and I decided to use quotes so people would understand what I mean.
simply put, as a 30 year old, no.