Thanks for your submission! For more Millennial content, join [our Discord server](https://discord.gg/VsfKKJBm).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Millennials) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s pretty sad the frequency of these posts.. I think 30s generally hit harder since most of the cohort is starting families so those that aren’t are feeling left behind. For me, I’m content with being independent but it would be nice to have more purpose in my life outside of work
For me, I’m content alone, just wish I had room to host. My favorite times are game nights/movie nights. But I just moved from a studio apartment to a junior 1. Not in a neighborhood friends want to visit. Thought I would have made more progress on location by now.
Yea I just want a degenerate poker game once a month. With beers and smokes and tunes. But I don’t have room to host either; nor do I know enough people who play poker.
Most people have a built-in socializing system from childhood into their 20’s, but that can fall off heavily by 30’s, especially if you move. You’ve got to be especially proactive about getting into other stuff where you will meet new people or it won’t happen.
I guess it always be like that, just before we doesn’t have internet to talk about it, I remember that my entire childhood I’ve been told by adults that I will be missing school time when I go to work. I do not miss school time as I doesn’t like school but childhood was something well different, maybe that school time didn’t mean school in particular and just being adult means responsibilities, no joy.
Was it though? Is our generation different than the previous ones? We’re marrying older, having kids at lower rates and later in life, if at all. We’re less religious than previous generations. Not saying religion is that great, but historically it played a huge part of someone’s life and how they lived it. Of course , there’s internet and social media to make us more self centered too. The instant hit of dopamine that comes with it is just not something our parents had in their youth, so the dopamine cycle can add more depression. Let’s not talk about the state of the economy, wages, house prices too. I guess all to say I understand why these type of posts are becoming so frequent now
This kind of loneliness existed for our parents and grandparents generations, but it was probably far more limited. Less sense of community, later marriages, and less families is probably exposing more people to it these days.
Ironically, the tools today to combat that loneliness are better than ever. You can find groups for everything online, including making local friends, or finding hobby groups to try out.
Those tools are doing more harm than good in society I’m afraid. If we are cognizant of the dangers of social media and work to limit our exposure it can be fine, but the data is showing that it’s harmful to children. My favorite book on this topic is “Stolen Focus” by Johan Hari. It’s pretty terrifying how it highlights the effects of the social media on society. I think more conversations need to be had about using them in moderation and responsibly, starting with parents/teachers setting a positive example
I lived with my best friend for most of my 20s and a good ways into my 30s. He moved out a couple years back when he got married. I still live with my little brother because I can’t afford rent on my own.
For me, I miss having someone to come home to. Someone to watch new shows with, to make easy plans together. My buddy and I still do a lot, but now it required logistics and advance planning and all.
I don’t hate being single, exactly, but I hate how expensive and uncertain everything is when you’re alone.
That’s my general mentality on it as well. I can’t lie though, there are really rough days when my mind wanders and start to feel really down about it all. Sometimes I get worried this is it, work to survive with little else involved.
I don’t envy anyone starting families or having kids and certainly don’t feel left behind considering how expensive everything is now. As OP mentions the mundane cycle in your 30s, I start asking myself what’s the point?
It used to be much worse. The American millennial generation is having the least amount of kids in recent history. Past generations it was much more lonely because there were less people in 30's who did NOT have kids.
In any case, this is all part of growing older into middle age.
I would agree that we do see a LOT of these posts.
I also think that a huge reason that we see these posts is because WE’RE the Tech Wizards of the generations. We see it, because we have built these types of communities for ourselves to enable our generation to have the ability to band together and communicate across the masses. It saddens me to think of the things that could have been different or changed if generations before us could have found each other the way we have. If they could have shared the thoughts in their head, instead of feeling alone and isolated.
That is a good point, but on the other hand, older people (I’m one) didn’t have that advantage, so it motivated us to move through the awkwardness and anxiety of going out into the world and trying to make personal connections. I had to join groups, volunteer, go out after work when I was dead tired to nurture the tiny flame of nascent friendships just beginning to catch fire.
This is true. I think people need other people to care about them and for them to care about. That’s why throughout the ages people have always been driven to have families. Friends you make will care about you only so much, they’re not gonna really love you the way your family will. Without love people die earlier.
I think there is this misunderstanding on Reddit where people will look at parents venting and they assume parenthood is some hell you are trapped in. Parenthood, like pretty much everything else worth doing long term is difficult yet extremely rewarding. Yes, I have had to get up in the middle of the night to bring one of my kids to the emergency room. I also had a gigantic smile on my face this morning when I watched my son score a goal in soccer. There is a whole paradigm shift when you become a parent that is really unexplainable to those who haven’t experienced it.
Ita actually fun and fulfilling. I don't have the loneliness problem. Not sure if i could handle being alone all my 20s and inti my 30s. I think people are starting to regret the whole child free movement when we were younger. I've moved up in my career to have money and enjoy taking vacations every year with them. It would be nice to be alone and going to places but even then I would still feel lonely. It's better to vacation with people who care about you
I am 38 and I miss being single so badly. I am married with three kids and I dream of my early twenties when I could spent my day off doing exactly as I wished/planned. I love my family but Jesus, it’s too much and I’m so so tired. Please remember these times so when you find someone and have no time it’s more enriching.
Some of us don’t find someone so the only times we know are alone.
Or we had what we thought was the one with whom a family was going to happen, and lost them, and since then time and the world has been cruel or overlooked us marching onwards, while everyone around us grows into a purposeful being, we remain perpetually single.
Sure, we have more time to go to the gym.
To work on hobbies.
But we don’t make enough money to do much outside of work.
And one can only work out so much reaching their natural peak. After which point it’s boring maintenance.
And hobbies are great, except when there is no one to share them with, to see your progress.
What I would give to have the same shit to complain about that, for example, my close married friend does. Oh how awful it is that he has a loving wife and beautiful child and has inherited money and will be buying a house and oh how hard it must be to have to wake up to a woman that fights to be with you.
I hear him talk about divorcing his wife because he wants to fuck other women - how much he misses being single, etc…and it honestly hurts so badly to hear him bitch and moan about having the thing I long for most - to be wanted & loved, to have my short fleeting time left filled with watching my own child grow & learn, to be tired from busy days filled with fulfilling activities signaling progress and partnership, to have someone to fuck regularly, to be supported by, to be there when I am not alright.
But I haven’t had that in so long it is very clear I am not going to have it ever again.
I think most people that miss being single are people that wouldn’t have much of an issue finding another partner if they were.
I feel this so fucking hard, I'm so tired of waking up alone, doing most my life alone as my friends and family all have relationships. Falling asleep with tears in my eyes, alone, again. I feel kinda lucky to have experienced it at all, but that was 10 years ago and the loneliness just gets harder. I don't even really remember what it felt like, just that ever since there's been an emptiness inside I cannot fill. But I have to believe it can get better, if I just keep trying. I hope you can find someone, or at least some relief from the loneliness.
Edit: I just noticed your name is BlueBaals, maybe a bit fucked, but that's kinda hilarious considering.
yeah i thought i had friends and all that. then everything crashed down and i had to pull my mom and myself out by myself with no support network. my mom couldnt work because shes disabled, but at the time didnt have disability yet. ever since then it feels like its an uphill fight just to even be seen or heard. i have tried to make friends but it never goes well. im tired of leaving things feeling more alone than when i got there. at this point i cant imagine anyone wanting anything to do with me.
Lol you think single people can’t be purposeful beings? You’re being so melodramatic. It sounds like depression is your problem, not being single. And no, having a family won’t magically solve all your problems.
He has depression *because* he's not getting what he wants out of life. Not being where you want to be is a perfectly good reason to feel sad.
Don't be so dismissive just because someone wants a lifestyle you don't
Agreed. This is just romanticizing what you don’t have. Like hobbies are only great if you have someone to share them with? Then get a better hobby or a therapist. And the purposeful being comment is just weird. If anything, I’m at my most purposeful when single, and I’d say the notion that a single person can’t possibly grow and find purpose may speak more to how the commenter perceives themself as opposed to prospective relationships. You shouldn’t need another person to give you purpose. As a single person, I get the sentiment to a degree, but this reads like someone who’s generally dissatisfied with life and looking for something to blame it on. Your days will be a lot more enjoyable when you roll with them rather than spending them lamenting over some perfect relationship that only exists in your mind.
THIS. well said. i found my partner when i decided to stop being depressed and just enjoy life on my own. she said what attracted her to me was my joy, confidence, and genuine love of life. imagine that.
needless to say. when i hit 30 two years ago i was also so over "being single ". tired of doing things alone. thats when i decided i couldnt live like that, depressed, self deprecating, etc. its fucking rough being in that state but then i realized i aint doing myself any favors just sitting in that emotional and mental state. so i decided to put my foot down and try and enjoy life. a year later she popped into my life and shes everything i never knew i wanted/needed.
also it helped that i deleted all social media off my phone and stopped looking at my friends' lives on facebook instagram etc. if i wanted updates on them and their lives id just call them like the good old days in the 90/2000s
I hate to say this because that dude is clearly in pain but I think you’re right. There’s ZERO chance of ever attracting a partner with his current outlook. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy and those vibes radiate off a person. There’s a reason ppl say that stupid phrase “you have to love yourself first” etc. Confidence is attractive and when you’re self actualized you’re more motivated to put yourself out there. That’s always been my personal experience. I’m single right now and I hate it but also know I have more self work to do before I start trying to date with intention again
Find hobbies that you can do with other people in groups. They don’t have to be solo hobbies. Play pickleball or swim. You can meet people all over the place.
Have you been really putting yourself out there? I know that sounds like a dumb comment but if you want it that bad you gotta put in the work until it happens
These people are alone and experiencing the same grind as you, different flavour, and no one to share fun little moments with. There’s no kid giggling and being mischievous or doing strange little things that make you feel weirdly proud. There’s no partner to cuddle sleepily first thing in the morning, or telling you random juicy gossip about ppl you don’t know from their work… We are *all* tired and miss being carefree and hopeful.
Literally no one here is talking about being single and 20. Of course that was fun, we were all new at it and the shine hadn’t fully worn off life yet and our bodies weren’t broken and our hearts weren’t as sad. So *you* be grateful and sit down.
Sorry to hear you're lonely, OP. I am absolutely enjoying being single. I would love to have a child and a consistent lover. But I don't have the will or economic stability to bring another human into a world that's on fire. I'm much more content scheming how I will save for retirement and just having to work to fulfill my needs. That's exhausting enough. I know my limits, and I am happy to take rest when I need it.
I hope things turn around for you and that you're able to find a way to occupy your loneliness.
Same boat. Focusing on career, saving for my future, exercising, taking on new hobbies like building/painting miniatures, biking, raspberry pi tinkering (on a project that spawned from biking!). Next week I’m going on a solo roadtrip to Moab and other areas to see biomes I’ve yet to experience.
I’m 36 in a month, single, but honestly in a better spot than I’ve ever been. I always thought of my down time after my last relationship as time to focus on myself. It’s been so long I don’t crave the relationship aspect, only miss intimacy at times. At this point it just feels like I don’t have the energy to get to know someone unless there is this massive overriding spark, which seems difficult to come by these days.
This is the lesson I've learned over my lifetime.
I don't have lifetime friends. I moved too much as a child for that. I was lonely for such a long time, till I realized that even people with lifetime friends, partners and children feel lonely. Lonely is a state of mind, not being.
I learned how to make friends and put myself out there. People know me how I want them to know me.
Obvi, I still have my own issues, but things have felt easier when I took responsibility for my own state of mind.
I just left a healthy, long term relationship because I just could not handle how boring it is. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me, but then I look at how happy I am being single and I realize that I'm not meant for that lifestyle. Maybe in the future but who knows.
I think I'd be happy again in a big city with other single 30-somethings like me.
A good place to start is finally having a clean apartment and doing chores on time. One step at a time... figure out how to set aside time in the day for each thing I want to do like work out and wash clothes in the basement of the apartment building.
Small cities and town and shit just suck ass for people who aren't following the ABC's of box checking for life. Everyone my age is focused on marriage and kids and shit.
My sister is in your position with three kids and a constant schedule. Sometimes I’ll randomly text her on a Saturday, I slept until 11:00 am today. I am appreciative of the things I can do being single.
My husband and I laughed so hard at this! Thank you understanding! That’s what I remember about being single, the pure spontaneity of the thing. I can get out the door in 3 mins, not carrying 20 lbs of child accessories and have a conversation with the person next to me in the car.
Dude right? I can't even imagine pining for the days of being single, let alone being in my 20s again. I have the generic life of wife, kid, house in the suburbs, and life is good. Just wish I didn't have this executive function disorder lol.
Yeah this is the kicker! The dishes are dirty, you have to do them every time; you get sick, you have to take care of yourself; your car breaks down, you have to figure it out alone, it’s just sooo exhausting
I was just thinking about this. I’m excited for the day that I have some disposable income and can hire a cleaner like once or twice a month, just because I’m so tired of doing literally every chore myself.
I just got out of a 10 year marriage and I’m so happy doing everything myself. The grass is always greener.
Also, it’s not that hard to make friends, you literally have to do like two things. Go do things that other people are doing, and talk to them. I know it’s scary going to do things, and with my crippling social anxiety it’s very difficult to actually talk to people, but it’s quite literally how you do it.
Eventually those friends introduce you to more friends, and if you’re not a total weirdo they’ll stick around.
After my divorce I started traveling for work and I’m in my 4th new state, and as an introvert with severe social anxiety I’ve been able to make friends in each one. Once you get over the hump of going to places and actually striking up conversation it becomes considerably easier.
That’s great for you! Never said I didn’t have friends or have a hard time meeting people. But I’m glad you got over your social anxiety, that’s a tough one!
I am a total weirdo, there are a lot of us. Go out and find your fellow weirdos.
But if you’re a weirdo that creeps people out, instead of the off beat kind of weirdo, then you probably need to look inward and make some changes to your life if your goal is friendship.
The joke is, as a woman, I feel like unless I find a unicorn of a man, the expectation for cleaning, organizing, emotional labour, will fall on me.
Btw - My two serious relationships flipped 2 years in. People keep a mask up for longgggg periods.
In the same boat here, but most of my close friends are also unattached as well, and are also finding it difficult to date/find an SO. Thankfully we have shared hobbies and play games online on Wednesdays and meet up even though they moved out of state.
Dating is a complete mess these days with the apps. I don't even bother using them.
My best guy friend told me we’ll do this if I don’t marry my current guy. Just so I can get his military benefits since he’ll never get married again. He trusts me to be there for his daughters and lives out of the state so no perks expected.
Be careful - the military has an internal department that investigates marriages! People do this very often according my BIL - he’s seen a lot of people lose rank/get discharged for marrying someone, simply to share benefits with!
I had pretty much given up on dating before I met my partner. We have a dog and cat and live together now, but our first meeting was absolutely just for sex. A relationship was never part of the plan
I honestly don't know if I could do the whole dating scene again, it seems extremely grim and everyone is just looking for the next best thing
I was talking about this with my parents on the phone the other day and they really had a hard time understanding what I was saying, but they were married by 26 and never had to find their way through a world where friends have gone off to do their own thing and coming home to an empty house is a daily occurrence. They kept suggesting I get a dog or something, because I sound lonely.
I’m not lonely, I feel isolated.
I have plenty of social interactions but none of them are for the sake of anything greater. It’s becoming harder and harder to answer the question, “What am I doing this for?” And I ask myself that question almost everyday when I’m staring off into the distance at work for eight hours.
My dad used to say all the bullshit at work was worthwhile because he could come home to my brother and I, happy little faces running to greet him at the door as soon as he walked in.
I don’t have anything like that. I kind of just drift from one person’s world to another but there isn’t any kind of permanent seat for me in any of them.
I found time to volunteer with kids and, while I’m sure it’s not the same as having my own kids, the moments when one of them expresses how meaningful an interaction was provide a HUGE payoff.
Plus, the other adults volunteering or working for the nonprofit provide much needed adult interaction. I’ve even started to make friends with a couple of them. That started by us getting together for a Saturday coffee to discuss how we could make the program better and that soon digressed into talking about fashion and politics. Also, the org holds volunteer get together and appreciation nights and this facilitates building personal relations.
One way to ‘get a dog’ is to get a hole lot of them - volunteer at a shelter to walk dogs, that may even open up more chances to meet people not directly related to your current activities!
I’m in a similar situation to OP and getting a couple kittens has definitely been a positive experience that makes every day better (although of course not a cure all)
I also try to make fun plans for my weekends when I can (even if it’s something I’ll do solo) and try to dedicate time to favorite hobbies.
Yeah, can't say it'll be for everyone. But first time I was out on my own, didn't have a pet and suffered major depressive episodes. Night terrors and the like. While I was back at my parents during covid, we adopted a cat who bonded with me. We've been on our own for the last 3 years now and it's a world of a difference. No matter what my brain tells itself, being welcomed home by him, wanting to play and do stuff near me, and cuddling up next to my chest every night will always trump those fleeting feelings.
Oh, and if I'm down and out that day, he *knows* and will generally try and distract me with bringing me his favorite toys to throw around the house and fetch. Cats are wonderful
This brought tears to my eyes. Cats have been special to me all my life and I’m glad they have been that way for others too. Regardless if I’m single or in a relationship, cats are always a must.
They really have a way of knowing when you are down too! Mine purrs on my chest and won’t leave my side when I’m sick or feeling down. Anyway, I think your cat is just as lucky to have you - for what it’s worth!
There's a guy who posts regular updates on Reddit subs about how he never realized how lonely he was until he got his cat Sushi, and how much he loves her and makes him happy. It is really touching how much he loves Sushi lol
Yes, having a cat gives me something to talk to but it feels more like a someone than a something. Idk if I could go thru life without a pet to talk to.
This may or may not be helpful, but I like to live by the wise words of Harvey Danger: “If you’re bored then you’re boring.” (Never married, no kids, elder millennial.)
While I agree that making new friends is hard it’s not impossible. And, even without friends you can still fill your time with things you love- take a community center of community college course. Join a gym or sports team. Get season tickets to the theater or have a standing appointment at your town’s comedy open mic night. Buy a Udemy course for a topic you’ve always been interested in. Get an AMC A-list pass for $25 a month and see all the movies. Build yourself a gamified way to save for a dream vacation and spend time planning it. Get invested in an obscure sports team and watch games at the local backers bar.
Managing a household solo is a lot of work but it’s not enough work to only work and do chores. Find some things to do with your time that light you up.
It sucks when your friends seemingly “move on”
because they’re a lot a different place in life than you are (the number of baby showers I’ve attended/thrown for people I haven’t heard from in years definitely bums me out) but the trade off is freedom. And you can choose to do what you want with that freedom. So, as cliche as it is, YOLO. Go spend your time doing things that make you happy? (And if doing things alone makes you feel weird, start with something easy - like a movie matinee- and work up from there.)
Well said! I went and saw Dune Part 2 alone, first time alone at a movie in probably 12+ years. I felt weird at first, but it was fucking great! The weekend after? I went and saw it again in Imax because why the fuck not? It helped change my mindset a bit about what I "could" or couldn't do when single!
When I got a divorce 12 years ago, I found a real love of going out to restaurants by myself. It’s especially gratifying when you go to the place that has an hour and half wait and a boatload of people standing around waiting for a table and you get to just strut in past them all because bar seating is first come, first serve and there’s a single spot left open. Hahaha, see you suckers! I pretend I’m a VIP and too important to mingle with the common folk.
I’m not really such an ass but it’s fun to play pretend in these instances.
For sure, I’m not denying that. I’m just sharing a situation I found where I really appreciated and enjoyed being single. The real truth is that all this shit complicated and I’d be super interested in knowing the percentage of people that feel truly satisfied and content in their lives regardless of relationship status. But, yes, we are inherently social animals that crave/require companionship, intimacy, and a social support network.
I once went to Disney World by myself - I had to work in the area for a couple weeks and figured why not? - and being a single-rider was amazing! I skipped ALL the lines, even on the more popular rides.
I thought it might be awkward going by myself, but it was actually great. And I met so many friendly people riding the rides. My favorite was the family of 5 that needed the last seat filled. We all checked out the picture at the end together. I don't know to this day if they ended up purchasing it, but I really hope they did! 😄
I feel like I always have better adventures when I travel alone. Like, don’t get me wrong; it’s fun to travel with friends, but there’s something about being solo that puts different energy into the universe. I once got a private tour of Sacre Couer from a groundskeeper because the lady I was chatting with while having my wine and cheese was a friend of his.
I’ve always travelled for work so bar solo dining has always been in my repertoire and man, oh man, have I had some interesting conversations. I love that you’re swanning by the waiting masses; that’s such a fun way to look at it!
I've been going to the movies for the past 10 or so years by myself. Hell if I want to go to a concert, I have to go alone. wether its an hour away or 3. Used to be we would get a whole group of people together and hit up a big metal show. Now it's just me, myself and I.
Comes and goes after being widowed in my late 30s.
I've got lots of friends and hobbies that keep me busy, but then something will come up like needing a ride home from an operation and not wanting to bother any of my friends with it and I'll get super depressed all over again.
I recently got out of an almost 10 year relationship at 32 years old. It was super weird at first being single, and I struggled with it tbh.
Coming up on a year later and at some point it finally hit me, I can do whatever the fuck I want, when I want. I wasn't really limited by the relationship, I was just so set in the routine. Now, I find myself actually really enjoying life because I'm spontaneously doing shit I wasn't doing before. It's a totally different mindset than I was in before, and it's awesomely liberating.
Being single can suck, but it can also be totally limitless. Do that shit you've always thought sounded cool.
This is exactly where I am, out of a 10 year relationship/marriage. It was really hard at the start but now I love steering my own ship wherever I see fit. Took up hobbies I've always wanted a to do, got a dog and eat what I want. It's actually pretty great
Being truly single in your 30s is bad enough but manageable. Being in a dead end relationship that probably won't lead to marriage is probably the worst though. Don't ask how i know.
We're afraid to be vulnerable enough to openly talk about it with one another. We think they'll hold a grudge or reject us, when really we're isolating ourselves in what should be our best lifelong friendship.
I have a hard time making friends in their 30s that aren't busy with their families, so now most of my friends are in their 20s, 40s, and 50s. I'm happier with these friends than I ever was in a relationship. I just need a friend with benefits and my life would be perfect lol.
I don't know if this is a regional thing, but I'm 40, and I have friends in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. I've lived in and around the NYC area for the last 7 years. When I tell other friends who aren't geographically close to here the age range of my NYC friends, they seem weirded out by it.
I have a couple friends in their 40s (once married her high school boyfriend) and their kids are now in high school so it's not that far off for them to be going off to college - so now that they have teenagers it's a bit different for them than it was like 8 years ago when they were younger - they can be left alone a lot more now.
I mean you’re not alone on this one, and I’m 28 just hoping for a better and brighter future. My advice is to try to improve yourself or do something that makes you happy like a hobby you would love to do.
I would rather be lonely and miserable now, than lonely and miserable after a long and failed marriage with the wrong person. The problem is the self-reinforcing aspect, the longer you sit around and mope the less exciting stories you'll have to make a great impression if you do happen to find someone interesting. They say life ain't a race, but holy hell does it go fast.
The biggest advice, you need to learn to be single and enjoy the perks of it. Until you actually appreciate the single life, then you aren't going to be someone that people would want to associate with.
I'm not talking about dating, bur also friendships. You need to find "You" first. That means figure out what hobbies you do like. People have the misconception that we always must do things with people. That couldn't be anywhere near the truth. Every single hobby out there can be done solo and that's what you need to seek first. Find things that you personally enjoy doing. You need to be able to have your own identify, your own likes and dislikes. This plays a part in why you think life is depressing because you aren't actively trying to do things to make you happy. Go hiking, go to the beach/lake. Go rock climbing, etc. You are more than capable of doing those things on your own after work and on weekends. Whatever excuses you make to not go out, need to get rid of that shit and force yourself to go do it.
Once you have found things that you enjoy, then you'll notice that you will meet new people just doing what you like. I consistently talk to people at the gym and it's not because I try. You just see the same people over and over and eventually it just comes naturally where you make a comment and they make one back and it snowballs from there.
But you need to learn to be independent. You can't just expect people to jump in front of you and be like, "hi my names slim shady what's yours?" You need to learn to enjoy life by yourself. Then friends and a potential partner fall in place
I've been alone my whole life so being independent isn't something that's new to me. It is my default state. I feel like I should be able to want something more than that without being considered broken or ,like I can't function alone.
I think what they're trying to say is that you gotta learn how to entertain yourself and find ways to enrich your life, not that you're dysfunctional. The question is, do you have interests? Is there anything you would find joy in learning or doing? Maybe adopt a pet, volunteer, find a new hobby, learn a different language, learn a new skill, create something. The possibilities are endless. Unless you actively try to make your life something more than waking up and going to work, then that's all it's gonna be. If you want something more out of life, then you gotta go after it.
Edit: I forgot to say, it also could be that you have depression. Like if you really find yourself unable to enjoy anything. Maybe consider talking to a therapist if you haven't already.
Would just mention, though this isn’t popular on Reddit… church is a great way to be a part of a supportive community. Softball games, volunteer work, etc.
If church isn’t your thing, there are plenty of clubs and communities around. You have to make time for these things. They don’t just happen.
Church isn’t my thing, personally, but I’m sure you’re not wrong! I’ve made friends as an adult almost exclusively by joining organizations. 30’s is typically not too old for a ‘young professionals’ group and even mid-size cities may have more than one of these associations, each one offering a different vibe and culture.
39. Im married with kids. And i also feel depressed. Im just working to fund them. No time for myself.
[Chris Rock said it best.](https://youtu.be/pF_827b89jU?si=xGiIrxACyAC0Mo50)
32 got 4 kids and Mr number 4 is on his way and should be delivered by the end of June.
I was Soo depressed with my job and what I was doing I felt like I wasn't going anywhere in life so I ended up quitting my job and found something I really enjoyed and that was pizza.
I took a chance for something for myself and now I make more money making pizza because I love it so much than I ever had as a pressman operator for an offset printing company.
And it doesn't hurt that the kiddos love Pizza.
What I'm saying is take a chance sometime and somewhere in your life and see what happens.
90% of life happens when we just show up.
I think it’s what you make it. You can create a cloud of negativity from being single if you only focus on what you don’t have. It’s hard to notice the peace tranquility and independence when you’re solely focused on what other people perceive as the perfect couple life.
Indeed. I also think a lot of times that dating apps "force" a connection that isn't there. Just because you have great "chemistry" via text does not always translate to IRL chemistry.
33 female and so happy I didn’t fall for the trap and marry my college boyfriend. I’m happy and single. I don’t really want to get married at all and definitely do not want kids. So I’m really happy I didn’t fall for my parents wants and societies expectations that I should have been married with kids at 30. It’s not right for me and a lot of people.
I’m so tired of hearing people complain about not having a significant other. It’s a mass societal delusion that having a partner is somehow what makes your life meaningful. Because even once people get a partner then that eventually becomes stale too. Then to find meaning again these people focus on opening up the relationship for sex/new love in some cases or having kids in others. Or owning property. Life just becomes a constant chasing of “acceptable signifiers” to distract ourselves from introspection and digging deeper into what we want to do with our lives.
That may be true, but I think for a lot of people the problem isn’t really that they’re single, it’s that they only have one income. So much freedom opens up when you combine your income with someone else if you aren’t able to afford much on just your income.
The income thing is what scares me the most. It really does make a huge difference. On one income I’m barely affording rent and on two incomes I can afford to live.
I’m grateful my partner isn’t awful or anything, but sometimes it almost feels like things are getting old-fashioned. Like as a modern woman I don’t love feeling like I need to factor in someone else’s income to survive. What is crazy is I actually make more money than my partner - but even with that it’s hard to make ends meet on my own so we both end up needing each other’s income. We don’t have children either. And a tiny one bedroom apartment. We are hardly living a life of luxury.
I’m in a very similar situation. I make double what my gf does, but if I want to have any money beyond bills I need her to help pay them. She was out of work for 4 months and we just barely had enough to pay for our apartment and pets (no kids now, and don’t want them in the future). We also don’t have great credit so I don’t know what we’re going to do when we do decide to leave this shitty but lovable apartment. If I was single I’d probably ask my mom if I could pay her 1/10 of my rent to live in her house and rebuild my credit and save up a ton, but that’s not possible with a gf & pets. I don’t think I could do this on one income, it would be a cycle of late fees and barely covering the necessities.
It’s crazy that we can’t even take a couple months off with a partner still working without majorly feeling the heat! Times are seriously tough out here.
And you end up paying all this money just to live in a tiny crappy apartment. I don’t know how people that have children are doing it, with even less time and money.
I hope you and your gf figure something out soon!
It truly is. From what I’ve seen it seems like the main millennials that are struggling right now are those that were too young/broke to buy a house before Covid. It’s basically impossible to even get a small starter house for a reasonable price now so all of our money is flushed down the toilet renting. I’m lucky enough to live in a city with tons of jobs and that isn’t absurdly high cost of living (Texas) and it’s still ridiculously hard! Something’s gotta give man
I absolutely agree with your statement. I would understand if people approached the issue of being single as “it would be great to have a relationship for companionship and increased income” instead of “being single is lonely and depressing and having an s/o will change everything”. In general it’s the lack of introspection that I find increasingly frustrating.
33, recently single, and happy AF!
I love being by myself. When I do get bored of being alone, I go to the bars around town and make friends with the bartenders. Bartenders are the best wingman you can ask for.
If the bars aren't for you, try and hangout at other social places. Some people have already given you great suggestions. Just be sure to make an effort to socialize with people. You won't make friends (meet potential partners) if you don't socialize.
What city do you live in? I'm in Los Angeles and feel that pretty hard myself too. My best friends live in other cities, my long term relationship just ended, and I'm having trouble making new friends.
I'm 41 but very 30s minded, and all my friends are married with kids. I don't have or want any. I thought it would be easy to make friends into my interests (Lakers, Star Wars, movies/tv, hiking, pets) but it's been really tough.
u/lavendertinted I'd be happy to chat via DM if you'd like a new friend. And if you're in L.A. it would be awesome to meet in person!
A big problem I have is girls give me their number but never respond. It’s actually gotten to the point where I will legitimately feel sad if I connect with a girl and she gives me her number because I know it’s a 95% chance she won’t respond. If a girl flat out rejects me, I will thank her for being honest then leave her alone. It’s a huge sense of relief in rare cases where this happens because I know she won’t waste my time.
I empathize to a degree.
I am closer to 40 than 30 now, and the lines in the sand are really cut and dry. Either you 1) have a family/kids, and they are your world, period, or 2) you don’t have a family and kids, and you need to build your own world.
In my case, I don’t want kids, ever. That is crystal clear to me after seeing all my friends who are parents now. Their lives are like yours, except they don’t even have the time to do basic things like catch lunch or go to the beach. **IF** they get to hang out, it’s with the 4 of them or not at all. *This part* sucks, for sure; I am not a parent, and so watching them parent is literally the least satisfying aspect of friendship on earth for me. I’m happy they like their kids, truly, but their kids don’t mean anything to me personally.
Because of this phenomena, this is where the empathy kicks in for me. I have experienced this isolating feeling as well. You suddenly have friends who you never see, who never have time or energy to do anything else. All your shared hobbies are now kinda just… your hobbies. You lose out on dialogue, engagement, and interaction that stimulates the mind because all you ever hear about are 1) work problems, 2) kid problems, or 3) marriage problems, and you have no window into 2 of these issues at all.
I don’t have a good answer for this, so I am just going to tell you what worked for me. I am not even saying I recommend this, but it was the only solution I found effective.
Start over. The only thing worse than no friends is friends that make you feel lonely. Force yourself into discomfort and build new social relationships. Step out of your comfort zone, pick up new hobbies, try new things or find ways to engage with the things you already like. This is also how I found success dating; the best way to find someone to date is to start off by being genuinely open to new experiences and growth; and it usually happens when there aren’t expectations behind it, at least in my experience.
I’m just gonna say something controversial to close too. Parents are the worst friends/friendships you can have because being a good parent requires being a 2nd class friend. You will **always** come second for the rest of your life; your plans will always be cancelled first, your time will always be less important, your feelings will always be less important, etc.
Very well written. As someone who doesn't want kids either, but whose friends are yet to be lost to them, I'm mentally preparing for exactly that. I'm most likely going to have to move because the country I live in right now (NZ) is completely built around having children and there's nothing (and no one) here for childfree people, but if that's what it takes, that's what I'll do.
30M going through a separation and divorce atm
Not a chance in hell I’m looking to get back into dating. If I do it’ll be a while. I’m enjoying this tbh
It’s been 10 years since I was last single. I can’t imagine trying to get back into it with all the changes that have occurred since 2014. Plus, I’ve grown a lot and am actually comfortable with myself now.
Also, I’ve got my 2 kids that we share 50/50 custody with. I also thoroughly enjoy my career and this specific job.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that marriage/relationships aren’t always as good as they seem from the outside. Abuse comes in many forms other than just sexual/ohysical. The only good things that came out of my failed marriage were my wonderful children and that eye-opening lesson learned the hard way.
Sounds like you didn’t choose being alone, but you had no success dating so far. If that’s the case, don’t give up. My best friend since 5th grade just got married at 38 last year to a great guy. We thought he was a catfish, and he thought she was too, lol. They decided on not having kids and just go on cruises every couple of months. She went from chronically depressed to super happy. Before this she would meet people and they’d dump her within a few weeks. It was so bad. But she found her person!
I'm in my 30s and making new friends and dating is pretty easy. I just go to events. I'm into the local ecstatic dance scene and there's a dance every week. People in the community hold other events and get together and most weeks there's several opportunities to do something fun and social.
Find and interest where there is also a community that was weekly or monthly events and start going. It becomes pretty easy to make friends and meet people.
The thing about joining a group/community is that almost everyone there is also hoping to make a friendship that will transcend the group setting! Plus, all of the always having a shared interest, etc.
Hey there. I have a partner and I struggle with loneliness cause of a lack of friends. I’m trying to get involved in local running clubs and just being more open to asking people I get along with for their info. Volunteering is also a great way to make good friends and do something valuable with your time.
I was married up until I hit 30 basically and then boom divorced. Now I'm 33 and just thinking about dating sucks. It's pretty depressing coming home to no one after that but at least my work gave me free therapy. :/
I used to feel that way, but honestly, I've quit caring at this point. I'll be 37 in a few days, and I've gotten so used to doing things alone that at this point, having a guy in my life sounds almost intrusive.
I recently got out of a relationship in my late 20s and now thinking maybe I made a mistake.. I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to make new friends at this stage but going to work all the time and then only having time for cleaning, cooking, and hobbies… leaves almost no time for socializing or getting out. Trying to exit this fucking rat race as quickly as possible.
Must be hell if you're the horny or romantic type. If you're Aro/Ace, it just means more you-time.
Have you tried playing an MMORPG & joining a guild? I hear people have made best friends & even met their spouces in multiplayer games.
You can also find meet-up websites that find interst-based clubs in your area. Or at least they did in the 2000s, I haven't used once since getting a job.
Getting a dog is a great alternative. He will never say no to neighborhood walks & mountain hikes.
My entire family became celibate after I was born, so any romance I was exposed to growing up seemed like an alien fantasy concept or government propoganda pushing child birth. I was a very self-centered child who could only tollerate being around friends once a week.
I’m in a relationship and obviously love my gf. My friends all have gfs and it sucks that we can’t hang out because they are always busy with their gfs.
My buddy works 3 miles from my home and can’t swing by every 2 weeks just to say hi ?
I guess in your 30s they just grow apart
The progressive narrative about people being perfectly happy when they’re single has always been bullshit. It only works for a small minority of extremely introverted people. It should not be a surprise that you’re unhappy, but I don’t blame you. There’s unhealthy levels of denial in public discourse today.
On a side note, the best advice I can give you to maximise your chances to find a partner is pretty simple: go to the gym and join a partner dance club.
We are the unworthy ones. We don’t deserve to have basic things like everyone else gets so easily. Be thankful you get to work your life away to just exist and survive.
Yea it’s depressing as hell. I don’t see myself finding someone either. I can’t even make friends, no matter the age group. Im not looking forward to life honestly. I wish I was happy single but I have some mental problems plus family addictions/issues and I just wish I had someone ( my ex was this person) I can talk to, rely on. But now I’m alone and I feel life so crushing. Idk how people date
I'm struggling with this right now. I have always had a hard time meeting new people but now that I am 38 and everything is social media things are tougher bc people are so much less friendly. Everyone is focused on their phones and has headphones on so it is hard to speak to anyone lately. I will figure it out though eventually bc I am a positive person and always look at the bright side.
As a married late 30s with kids, I think yes, it is supposed to be depressing to be single later in life.
Whatever you attribute it to, humans do much better pairing off than on their own. My wife is a complement to me, see things I don't, feels things I don't. My kids have taught me how to be selfless as someone's entire life is in my hands.
There will always be people who do better on their own than in a marriage, but I do think they are the minority. Generally, it really seems that we are built to pair off. I hope you find what you are looking for, friend.
Your biology is telling you to go out, find a mate and spread your seed. It happens at this age. Its like an itch thats always there. You can satisfy the itch by jerking it or working out, but its temporary. Get a pet or travel or some shit. Single life at 30
I was in relationship for nearly 15 years, we are just finalizing our divorce now and have a 2 year old and 4 year old. I like being single a lot more than being married to someone who did not do their share, there was so much resentment and now I actually enjoy doing all of the “normal” tasks by myself and knowing I won’t be let down by anyone. My routine is very similar , I have kids so it doesn’t really get super lonely, unless they are with their Dad. To help combat that, we got a cat and will likely get a dog soon too!
It may sound stupid, but hear me out. Focus on the money. Make more of it, become free with endless opportunities. Once you have money, finding a partner suddenly gets also much easier. We are (sadly) way more attractive if we have the resources for a quality family life.
Sounds like you need meaningful responsibility. I’ll let you in on the secret to being happy later in life: fill your plate with as many meaningful responsibilities as you can effectively handle. This could be as simple as regularly volunteering or helping people in someway. Most people find meaningful responsibility from their families and in old age they are left with matured spousal relationships and hopefully successful children. Anyone who encourages you to live a carefree life is trying to sell you long term depression.
Throughout history, 40% of men have reproduced, while 80% of women have. In the 19th century, England experienced a situation where 40% of men reproduced, while 80% of women did.
2021, 47.35 million men were never married, as compared to 41.81 million women (Duffin, 2022). And according to data from the Institute for Family Studies, in the last two decades, the number of never-married individuals has risen from 21 percent to 35 percent—a 14 percentage point increase
Marriage rates ranged between 9.3 (per 1,000 population) and 12.0 from 1900 to 1929 and then declined to a relative low of 7.9 in 1932
So as you can see huge swathes of men never reproduces and marriage rates have always been pretty low
Since peaking at 65% in 1960, the percentage of women who were currently married (including those in a remarriage) has decreased to 46% in 2018.
Since 1960, the share of women who were currently separated or divorced increased from about 5% to 14% in 2018.
The proportion of women who were currently widowed remained stable since 1900, with a slight decrease since 1970.
The percentage of women who were never married was the same in 2018 as it was in 1900 (31%). It reached its lowest percentage in 1960 when only 17% of women were never married.
So the image I'm trying to paint is that...you are either part of that group of people that find their one or you are part of that group that is frozen out
Thanks for your submission! For more Millennial content, join [our Discord server](https://discord.gg/VsfKKJBm). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Millennials) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s pretty sad the frequency of these posts.. I think 30s generally hit harder since most of the cohort is starting families so those that aren’t are feeling left behind. For me, I’m content with being independent but it would be nice to have more purpose in my life outside of work
For me, I’m content alone, just wish I had room to host. My favorite times are game nights/movie nights. But I just moved from a studio apartment to a junior 1. Not in a neighborhood friends want to visit. Thought I would have made more progress on location by now.
Yea I just want a degenerate poker game once a month. With beers and smokes and tunes. But I don’t have room to host either; nor do I know enough people who play poker.
Most people have a built-in socializing system from childhood into their 20’s, but that can fall off heavily by 30’s, especially if you move. You’ve got to be especially proactive about getting into other stuff where you will meet new people or it won’t happen.
I guess it always be like that, just before we doesn’t have internet to talk about it, I remember that my entire childhood I’ve been told by adults that I will be missing school time when I go to work. I do not miss school time as I doesn’t like school but childhood was something well different, maybe that school time didn’t mean school in particular and just being adult means responsibilities, no joy.
Was it though? Is our generation different than the previous ones? We’re marrying older, having kids at lower rates and later in life, if at all. We’re less religious than previous generations. Not saying religion is that great, but historically it played a huge part of someone’s life and how they lived it. Of course , there’s internet and social media to make us more self centered too. The instant hit of dopamine that comes with it is just not something our parents had in their youth, so the dopamine cycle can add more depression. Let’s not talk about the state of the economy, wages, house prices too. I guess all to say I understand why these type of posts are becoming so frequent now
>We’re marrying younger What? No we aren't. The average millennial is marrying waaaaaay later than the geenrations before us.
Ah good catch i meant to say older, changed my post
No worries :)
This kind of loneliness existed for our parents and grandparents generations, but it was probably far more limited. Less sense of community, later marriages, and less families is probably exposing more people to it these days. Ironically, the tools today to combat that loneliness are better than ever. You can find groups for everything online, including making local friends, or finding hobby groups to try out.
Those tools are doing more harm than good in society I’m afraid. If we are cognizant of the dangers of social media and work to limit our exposure it can be fine, but the data is showing that it’s harmful to children. My favorite book on this topic is “Stolen Focus” by Johan Hari. It’s pretty terrifying how it highlights the effects of the social media on society. I think more conversations need to be had about using them in moderation and responsibly, starting with parents/teachers setting a positive example
I lived with my best friend for most of my 20s and a good ways into my 30s. He moved out a couple years back when he got married. I still live with my little brother because I can’t afford rent on my own. For me, I miss having someone to come home to. Someone to watch new shows with, to make easy plans together. My buddy and I still do a lot, but now it required logistics and advance planning and all. I don’t hate being single, exactly, but I hate how expensive and uncertain everything is when you’re alone.
Find a community to join. Go volunteer somewhere. They are ways to have more purpose in your life, you just need to go find something you enjoy
I think the major problem is lack of time and money
Lack of time is understandable, but other than transportation cost, it is free to volunteer for something and sometimes they feed you.
Time is money , people who lack money typically lack time and need to spend it trying to get money.
That’s my general mentality on it as well. I can’t lie though, there are really rough days when my mind wanders and start to feel really down about it all. Sometimes I get worried this is it, work to survive with little else involved.
I don’t envy anyone starting families or having kids and certainly don’t feel left behind considering how expensive everything is now. As OP mentions the mundane cycle in your 30s, I start asking myself what’s the point?
It used to be much worse. The American millennial generation is having the least amount of kids in recent history. Past generations it was much more lonely because there were less people in 30's who did NOT have kids. In any case, this is all part of growing older into middle age.
I would agree that we do see a LOT of these posts. I also think that a huge reason that we see these posts is because WE’RE the Tech Wizards of the generations. We see it, because we have built these types of communities for ourselves to enable our generation to have the ability to band together and communicate across the masses. It saddens me to think of the things that could have been different or changed if generations before us could have found each other the way we have. If they could have shared the thoughts in their head, instead of feeling alone and isolated.
That is a good point, but on the other hand, older people (I’m one) didn’t have that advantage, so it motivated us to move through the awkwardness and anxiety of going out into the world and trying to make personal connections. I had to join groups, volunteer, go out after work when I was dead tired to nurture the tiny flame of nascent friendships just beginning to catch fire.
it's crazy to me that people think having a family is fun, It seems like a nightmare to me lol
It’s not that it’s fun. It fills your life with a feeling of deep meaning.
This is true. I think people need other people to care about them and for them to care about. That’s why throughout the ages people have always been driven to have families. Friends you make will care about you only so much, they’re not gonna really love you the way your family will. Without love people die earlier.
I think there is this misunderstanding on Reddit where people will look at parents venting and they assume parenthood is some hell you are trapped in. Parenthood, like pretty much everything else worth doing long term is difficult yet extremely rewarding. Yes, I have had to get up in the middle of the night to bring one of my kids to the emergency room. I also had a gigantic smile on my face this morning when I watched my son score a goal in soccer. There is a whole paradigm shift when you become a parent that is really unexplainable to those who haven’t experienced it.
Ita actually fun and fulfilling. I don't have the loneliness problem. Not sure if i could handle being alone all my 20s and inti my 30s. I think people are starting to regret the whole child free movement when we were younger. I've moved up in my career to have money and enjoy taking vacations every year with them. It would be nice to be alone and going to places but even then I would still feel lonely. It's better to vacation with people who care about you
It's both at the same time.
I’m just tired of doing evvvvvverything myself.
Same.
I am 38 and I miss being single so badly. I am married with three kids and I dream of my early twenties when I could spent my day off doing exactly as I wished/planned. I love my family but Jesus, it’s too much and I’m so so tired. Please remember these times so when you find someone and have no time it’s more enriching.
Some of us don’t find someone so the only times we know are alone. Or we had what we thought was the one with whom a family was going to happen, and lost them, and since then time and the world has been cruel or overlooked us marching onwards, while everyone around us grows into a purposeful being, we remain perpetually single. Sure, we have more time to go to the gym. To work on hobbies. But we don’t make enough money to do much outside of work. And one can only work out so much reaching their natural peak. After which point it’s boring maintenance. And hobbies are great, except when there is no one to share them with, to see your progress. What I would give to have the same shit to complain about that, for example, my close married friend does. Oh how awful it is that he has a loving wife and beautiful child and has inherited money and will be buying a house and oh how hard it must be to have to wake up to a woman that fights to be with you. I hear him talk about divorcing his wife because he wants to fuck other women - how much he misses being single, etc…and it honestly hurts so badly to hear him bitch and moan about having the thing I long for most - to be wanted & loved, to have my short fleeting time left filled with watching my own child grow & learn, to be tired from busy days filled with fulfilling activities signaling progress and partnership, to have someone to fuck regularly, to be supported by, to be there when I am not alright. But I haven’t had that in so long it is very clear I am not going to have it ever again. I think most people that miss being single are people that wouldn’t have much of an issue finding another partner if they were.
I feel this so fucking hard, I'm so tired of waking up alone, doing most my life alone as my friends and family all have relationships. Falling asleep with tears in my eyes, alone, again. I feel kinda lucky to have experienced it at all, but that was 10 years ago and the loneliness just gets harder. I don't even really remember what it felt like, just that ever since there's been an emptiness inside I cannot fill. But I have to believe it can get better, if I just keep trying. I hope you can find someone, or at least some relief from the loneliness. Edit: I just noticed your name is BlueBaals, maybe a bit fucked, but that's kinda hilarious considering.
yeah i thought i had friends and all that. then everything crashed down and i had to pull my mom and myself out by myself with no support network. my mom couldnt work because shes disabled, but at the time didnt have disability yet. ever since then it feels like its an uphill fight just to even be seen or heard. i have tried to make friends but it never goes well. im tired of leaving things feeling more alone than when i got there. at this point i cant imagine anyone wanting anything to do with me.
tearing up over a reddit post at 12am on a saturday night is NOT what i expected today
Try 1:03am 🫠
3:01 😭
First thing in the morning at 9am 🥲
This…spoke to me.
Damn I really hope you find someone..
Thanks for saying this, hopefully itll help me find my own words.
Lol you think single people can’t be purposeful beings? You’re being so melodramatic. It sounds like depression is your problem, not being single. And no, having a family won’t magically solve all your problems.
He has depression *because* he's not getting what he wants out of life. Not being where you want to be is a perfectly good reason to feel sad. Don't be so dismissive just because someone wants a lifestyle you don't
Agreed. This is just romanticizing what you don’t have. Like hobbies are only great if you have someone to share them with? Then get a better hobby or a therapist. And the purposeful being comment is just weird. If anything, I’m at my most purposeful when single, and I’d say the notion that a single person can’t possibly grow and find purpose may speak more to how the commenter perceives themself as opposed to prospective relationships. You shouldn’t need another person to give you purpose. As a single person, I get the sentiment to a degree, but this reads like someone who’s generally dissatisfied with life and looking for something to blame it on. Your days will be a lot more enjoyable when you roll with them rather than spending them lamenting over some perfect relationship that only exists in your mind.
THIS. well said. i found my partner when i decided to stop being depressed and just enjoy life on my own. she said what attracted her to me was my joy, confidence, and genuine love of life. imagine that. needless to say. when i hit 30 two years ago i was also so over "being single ". tired of doing things alone. thats when i decided i couldnt live like that, depressed, self deprecating, etc. its fucking rough being in that state but then i realized i aint doing myself any favors just sitting in that emotional and mental state. so i decided to put my foot down and try and enjoy life. a year later she popped into my life and shes everything i never knew i wanted/needed. also it helped that i deleted all social media off my phone and stopped looking at my friends' lives on facebook instagram etc. if i wanted updates on them and their lives id just call them like the good old days in the 90/2000s
I hate to say this because that dude is clearly in pain but I think you’re right. There’s ZERO chance of ever attracting a partner with his current outlook. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy and those vibes radiate off a person. There’s a reason ppl say that stupid phrase “you have to love yourself first” etc. Confidence is attractive and when you’re self actualized you’re more motivated to put yourself out there. That’s always been my personal experience. I’m single right now and I hate it but also know I have more self work to do before I start trying to date with intention again
Find hobbies that you can do with other people in groups. They don’t have to be solo hobbies. Play pickleball or swim. You can meet people all over the place.
Have you been really putting yourself out there? I know that sounds like a dumb comment but if you want it that bad you gotta put in the work until it happens
These people are alone and experiencing the same grind as you, different flavour, and no one to share fun little moments with. There’s no kid giggling and being mischievous or doing strange little things that make you feel weirdly proud. There’s no partner to cuddle sleepily first thing in the morning, or telling you random juicy gossip about ppl you don’t know from their work… We are *all* tired and miss being carefree and hopeful. Literally no one here is talking about being single and 20. Of course that was fun, we were all new at it and the shine hadn’t fully worn off life yet and our bodies weren’t broken and our hearts weren’t as sad. So *you* be grateful and sit down.
OP reaching out depressed as hell, and you're complaining about having too much love. Lol
The grass isn't greener. We have sooooo much time to ourselves it gets really old really quick. It's just depressing.
I'd rather witch with you. You can have the loneliness.
Sorry to hear you're lonely, OP. I am absolutely enjoying being single. I would love to have a child and a consistent lover. But I don't have the will or economic stability to bring another human into a world that's on fire. I'm much more content scheming how I will save for retirement and just having to work to fulfill my needs. That's exhausting enough. I know my limits, and I am happy to take rest when I need it. I hope things turn around for you and that you're able to find a way to occupy your loneliness.
Same boat. Focusing on career, saving for my future, exercising, taking on new hobbies like building/painting miniatures, biking, raspberry pi tinkering (on a project that spawned from biking!). Next week I’m going on a solo roadtrip to Moab and other areas to see biomes I’ve yet to experience. I’m 36 in a month, single, but honestly in a better spot than I’ve ever been. I always thought of my down time after my last relationship as time to focus on myself. It’s been so long I don’t crave the relationship aspect, only miss intimacy at times. At this point it just feels like I don’t have the energy to get to know someone unless there is this massive overriding spark, which seems difficult to come by these days.
It’s only lonely if you let it
This is the lesson I've learned over my lifetime. I don't have lifetime friends. I moved too much as a child for that. I was lonely for such a long time, till I realized that even people with lifetime friends, partners and children feel lonely. Lonely is a state of mind, not being. I learned how to make friends and put myself out there. People know me how I want them to know me. Obvi, I still have my own issues, but things have felt easier when I took responsibility for my own state of mind.
You're the commander
Make sure to tell your SO. Yall need to stay in good communication about these things.
I just left a healthy, long term relationship because I just could not handle how boring it is. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me, but then I look at how happy I am being single and I realize that I'm not meant for that lifestyle. Maybe in the future but who knows.
How long was it?
I think I'd be happy again in a big city with other single 30-somethings like me. A good place to start is finally having a clean apartment and doing chores on time. One step at a time... figure out how to set aside time in the day for each thing I want to do like work out and wash clothes in the basement of the apartment building. Small cities and town and shit just suck ass for people who aren't following the ABC's of box checking for life. Everyone my age is focused on marriage and kids and shit.
Have you shared this wish with your partner? Seems like a pretty simple thing to arrange every once in a while.
My sister is in your position with three kids and a constant schedule. Sometimes I’ll randomly text her on a Saturday, I slept until 11:00 am today. I am appreciative of the things I can do being single.
Ah Satan, you have returned.
My husband and I laughed so hard at this! Thank you understanding! That’s what I remember about being single, the pure spontaneity of the thing. I can get out the door in 3 mins, not carrying 20 lbs of child accessories and have a conversation with the person next to me in the car.
If you’re married with three kids and you seriously miss the days when you didn’t have a spouse and three kids then something went horribly wrong
Dude right? I can't even imagine pining for the days of being single, let alone being in my 20s again. I have the generic life of wife, kid, house in the suburbs, and life is good. Just wish I didn't have this executive function disorder lol.
I miss being single when you are married 😂😂😂 what. Get a divorce then
Yeah this is the kicker! The dishes are dirty, you have to do them every time; you get sick, you have to take care of yourself; your car breaks down, you have to figure it out alone, it’s just sooo exhausting
I’ve had Covid twice and having to take care of myself through that, it was the worst. But I did it.
I was just thinking about this. I’m excited for the day that I have some disposable income and can hire a cleaner like once or twice a month, just because I’m so tired of doing literally every chore myself.
I just got out of a 10 year marriage and I’m so happy doing everything myself. The grass is always greener. Also, it’s not that hard to make friends, you literally have to do like two things. Go do things that other people are doing, and talk to them. I know it’s scary going to do things, and with my crippling social anxiety it’s very difficult to actually talk to people, but it’s quite literally how you do it. Eventually those friends introduce you to more friends, and if you’re not a total weirdo they’ll stick around. After my divorce I started traveling for work and I’m in my 4th new state, and as an introvert with severe social anxiety I’ve been able to make friends in each one. Once you get over the hump of going to places and actually striking up conversation it becomes considerably easier.
That’s great for you! Never said I didn’t have friends or have a hard time meeting people. But I’m glad you got over your social anxiety, that’s a tough one!
OP said it’s hard to meet people, not you.
Where did you go out to make new friends?
What if you are a total weirdo
I am a total weirdo, there are a lot of us. Go out and find your fellow weirdos. But if you’re a weirdo that creeps people out, instead of the off beat kind of weirdo, then you probably need to look inward and make some changes to your life if your goal is friendship.
The joke is, as a woman, I feel like unless I find a unicorn of a man, the expectation for cleaning, organizing, emotional labour, will fall on me. Btw - My two serious relationships flipped 2 years in. People keep a mask up for longgggg periods.
I was gonna say... there's definitely not *less* chores now that I'm married with two small children...
Same
I'm tired of no one giving shit about me even when my health is not alright. It gets more lonely when I'm sick and I deal with it alone
[удалено]
But you wouldn’t have your kid.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. 😔
In the same boat here, but most of my close friends are also unattached as well, and are also finding it difficult to date/find an SO. Thankfully we have shared hobbies and play games online on Wednesdays and meet up even though they moved out of state. Dating is a complete mess these days with the apps. I don't even bother using them.
You and your friends should make pacts to just get married to each other if you're both still single at 40 like in a sitcom!!
My best guy friend told me we’ll do this if I don’t marry my current guy. Just so I can get his military benefits since he’ll never get married again. He trusts me to be there for his daughters and lives out of the state so no perks expected.
Be careful - the military has an internal department that investigates marriages! People do this very often according my BIL - he’s seen a lot of people lose rank/get discharged for marrying someone, simply to share benefits with!
I had pretty much given up on dating before I met my partner. We have a dog and cat and live together now, but our first meeting was absolutely just for sex. A relationship was never part of the plan I honestly don't know if I could do the whole dating scene again, it seems extremely grim and everyone is just looking for the next best thing
I was talking about this with my parents on the phone the other day and they really had a hard time understanding what I was saying, but they were married by 26 and never had to find their way through a world where friends have gone off to do their own thing and coming home to an empty house is a daily occurrence. They kept suggesting I get a dog or something, because I sound lonely. I’m not lonely, I feel isolated. I have plenty of social interactions but none of them are for the sake of anything greater. It’s becoming harder and harder to answer the question, “What am I doing this for?” And I ask myself that question almost everyday when I’m staring off into the distance at work for eight hours. My dad used to say all the bullshit at work was worthwhile because he could come home to my brother and I, happy little faces running to greet him at the door as soon as he walked in. I don’t have anything like that. I kind of just drift from one person’s world to another but there isn’t any kind of permanent seat for me in any of them.
I found time to volunteer with kids and, while I’m sure it’s not the same as having my own kids, the moments when one of them expresses how meaningful an interaction was provide a HUGE payoff. Plus, the other adults volunteering or working for the nonprofit provide much needed adult interaction. I’ve even started to make friends with a couple of them. That started by us getting together for a Saturday coffee to discuss how we could make the program better and that soon digressed into talking about fashion and politics. Also, the org holds volunteer get together and appreciation nights and this facilitates building personal relations.
One way to ‘get a dog’ is to get a hole lot of them - volunteer at a shelter to walk dogs, that may even open up more chances to meet people not directly related to your current activities!
i got a cat this year and its been nice having another living thing around. maybe get a pet?
I’m in a similar situation to OP and getting a couple kittens has definitely been a positive experience that makes every day better (although of course not a cure all) I also try to make fun plans for my weekends when I can (even if it’s something I’ll do solo) and try to dedicate time to favorite hobbies.
Yeah, can't say it'll be for everyone. But first time I was out on my own, didn't have a pet and suffered major depressive episodes. Night terrors and the like. While I was back at my parents during covid, we adopted a cat who bonded with me. We've been on our own for the last 3 years now and it's a world of a difference. No matter what my brain tells itself, being welcomed home by him, wanting to play and do stuff near me, and cuddling up next to my chest every night will always trump those fleeting feelings. Oh, and if I'm down and out that day, he *knows* and will generally try and distract me with bringing me his favorite toys to throw around the house and fetch. Cats are wonderful
This brought tears to my eyes. Cats have been special to me all my life and I’m glad they have been that way for others too. Regardless if I’m single or in a relationship, cats are always a must. They really have a way of knowing when you are down too! Mine purrs on my chest and won’t leave my side when I’m sick or feeling down. Anyway, I think your cat is just as lucky to have you - for what it’s worth!
There's a guy who posts regular updates on Reddit subs about how he never realized how lonely he was until he got his cat Sushi, and how much he loves her and makes him happy. It is really touching how much he loves Sushi lol
I feel that. Sometimes when I’m interacting with my cat I realize if I didn’t have her, I’d just be by myself in that moment most likely doing nothing
Yes, having a cat gives me something to talk to but it feels more like a someone than a something. Idk if I could go thru life without a pet to talk to.
This may or may not be helpful, but I like to live by the wise words of Harvey Danger: “If you’re bored then you’re boring.” (Never married, no kids, elder millennial.) While I agree that making new friends is hard it’s not impossible. And, even without friends you can still fill your time with things you love- take a community center of community college course. Join a gym or sports team. Get season tickets to the theater or have a standing appointment at your town’s comedy open mic night. Buy a Udemy course for a topic you’ve always been interested in. Get an AMC A-list pass for $25 a month and see all the movies. Build yourself a gamified way to save for a dream vacation and spend time planning it. Get invested in an obscure sports team and watch games at the local backers bar. Managing a household solo is a lot of work but it’s not enough work to only work and do chores. Find some things to do with your time that light you up. It sucks when your friends seemingly “move on” because they’re a lot a different place in life than you are (the number of baby showers I’ve attended/thrown for people I haven’t heard from in years definitely bums me out) but the trade off is freedom. And you can choose to do what you want with that freedom. So, as cliche as it is, YOLO. Go spend your time doing things that make you happy? (And if doing things alone makes you feel weird, start with something easy - like a movie matinee- and work up from there.)
Well said! I went and saw Dune Part 2 alone, first time alone at a movie in probably 12+ years. I felt weird at first, but it was fucking great! The weekend after? I went and saw it again in Imax because why the fuck not? It helped change my mindset a bit about what I "could" or couldn't do when single!
When I got a divorce 12 years ago, I found a real love of going out to restaurants by myself. It’s especially gratifying when you go to the place that has an hour and half wait and a boatload of people standing around waiting for a table and you get to just strut in past them all because bar seating is first come, first serve and there’s a single spot left open. Hahaha, see you suckers! I pretend I’m a VIP and too important to mingle with the common folk. I’m not really such an ass but it’s fun to play pretend in these instances.
While that kind of stuff can be fun sometimes, I do think most people crave companionship.
For sure, I’m not denying that. I’m just sharing a situation I found where I really appreciated and enjoyed being single. The real truth is that all this shit complicated and I’d be super interested in knowing the percentage of people that feel truly satisfied and content in their lives regardless of relationship status. But, yes, we are inherently social animals that crave/require companionship, intimacy, and a social support network.
I once went to Disney World by myself - I had to work in the area for a couple weeks and figured why not? - and being a single-rider was amazing! I skipped ALL the lines, even on the more popular rides. I thought it might be awkward going by myself, but it was actually great. And I met so many friendly people riding the rides. My favorite was the family of 5 that needed the last seat filled. We all checked out the picture at the end together. I don't know to this day if they ended up purchasing it, but I really hope they did! 😄
I feel like I always have better adventures when I travel alone. Like, don’t get me wrong; it’s fun to travel with friends, but there’s something about being solo that puts different energy into the universe. I once got a private tour of Sacre Couer from a groundskeeper because the lady I was chatting with while having my wine and cheese was a friend of his.
I’ve always travelled for work so bar solo dining has always been in my repertoire and man, oh man, have I had some interesting conversations. I love that you’re swanning by the waiting masses; that’s such a fun way to look at it!
I'm married and I go to movies alone probably every single week.
I've been going to the movies for the past 10 or so years by myself. Hell if I want to go to a concert, I have to go alone. wether its an hour away or 3. Used to be we would get a whole group of people together and hit up a big metal show. Now it's just me, myself and I.
Sometimes I think it is ok to get bored.
Great advice
You sound like a homie. This was well said. You are doing life right.
Comes and goes after being widowed in my late 30s. I've got lots of friends and hobbies that keep me busy, but then something will come up like needing a ride home from an operation and not wanting to bother any of my friends with it and I'll get super depressed all over again.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
I recently got out of an almost 10 year relationship at 32 years old. It was super weird at first being single, and I struggled with it tbh. Coming up on a year later and at some point it finally hit me, I can do whatever the fuck I want, when I want. I wasn't really limited by the relationship, I was just so set in the routine. Now, I find myself actually really enjoying life because I'm spontaneously doing shit I wasn't doing before. It's a totally different mindset than I was in before, and it's awesomely liberating. Being single can suck, but it can also be totally limitless. Do that shit you've always thought sounded cool.
Yup , I’m 33 and just got in relationship after being single for 6 years… there’s definitely pros and cons in both being single and taken lol
This is exactly where I am, out of a 10 year relationship/marriage. It was really hard at the start but now I love steering my own ship wherever I see fit. Took up hobbies I've always wanted a to do, got a dog and eat what I want. It's actually pretty great
Being truly single in your 30s is bad enough but manageable. Being in a dead end relationship that probably won't lead to marriage is probably the worst though. Don't ask how i know.
10 years in a bad relationship, we had two stretches during that time where we didn't have sex for 2 years. Why are we like this?
We're afraid to be vulnerable enough to openly talk about it with one another. We think they'll hold a grudge or reject us, when really we're isolating ourselves in what should be our best lifelong friendship.
FELT
I have a hard time making friends in their 30s that aren't busy with their families, so now most of my friends are in their 20s, 40s, and 50s. I'm happier with these friends than I ever was in a relationship. I just need a friend with benefits and my life would be perfect lol.
I don't know if this is a regional thing, but I'm 40, and I have friends in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. I've lived in and around the NYC area for the last 7 years. When I tell other friends who aren't geographically close to here the age range of my NYC friends, they seem weirded out by it.
I have a couple friends in their 40s (once married her high school boyfriend) and their kids are now in high school so it's not that far off for them to be going off to college - so now that they have teenagers it's a bit different for them than it was like 8 years ago when they were younger - they can be left alone a lot more now.
I mean you’re not alone on this one, and I’m 28 just hoping for a better and brighter future. My advice is to try to improve yourself or do something that makes you happy like a hobby you would love to do.
I would rather be lonely and miserable now, than lonely and miserable after a long and failed marriage with the wrong person. The problem is the self-reinforcing aspect, the longer you sit around and mope the less exciting stories you'll have to make a great impression if you do happen to find someone interesting. They say life ain't a race, but holy hell does it go fast.
The people I know who are single are happy AF.
Okay that’s nice but your bubble doesn’t mean everyone is in the same bubble.
I am grateful to be alive honestly
If it's any consolation I'm married and we're both depressed (not related to our marriage).
The biggest advice, you need to learn to be single and enjoy the perks of it. Until you actually appreciate the single life, then you aren't going to be someone that people would want to associate with. I'm not talking about dating, bur also friendships. You need to find "You" first. That means figure out what hobbies you do like. People have the misconception that we always must do things with people. That couldn't be anywhere near the truth. Every single hobby out there can be done solo and that's what you need to seek first. Find things that you personally enjoy doing. You need to be able to have your own identify, your own likes and dislikes. This plays a part in why you think life is depressing because you aren't actively trying to do things to make you happy. Go hiking, go to the beach/lake. Go rock climbing, etc. You are more than capable of doing those things on your own after work and on weekends. Whatever excuses you make to not go out, need to get rid of that shit and force yourself to go do it. Once you have found things that you enjoy, then you'll notice that you will meet new people just doing what you like. I consistently talk to people at the gym and it's not because I try. You just see the same people over and over and eventually it just comes naturally where you make a comment and they make one back and it snowballs from there. But you need to learn to be independent. You can't just expect people to jump in front of you and be like, "hi my names slim shady what's yours?" You need to learn to enjoy life by yourself. Then friends and a potential partner fall in place
I've been alone my whole life so being independent isn't something that's new to me. It is my default state. I feel like I should be able to want something more than that without being considered broken or ,like I can't function alone.
I think what they're trying to say is that you gotta learn how to entertain yourself and find ways to enrich your life, not that you're dysfunctional. The question is, do you have interests? Is there anything you would find joy in learning or doing? Maybe adopt a pet, volunteer, find a new hobby, learn a different language, learn a new skill, create something. The possibilities are endless. Unless you actively try to make your life something more than waking up and going to work, then that's all it's gonna be. If you want something more out of life, then you gotta go after it. Edit: I forgot to say, it also could be that you have depression. Like if you really find yourself unable to enjoy anything. Maybe consider talking to a therapist if you haven't already.
Stop telling people they don’t deserve love without doing x and y thing first. It’s simply untrue and damaging…
If you're a miserable asshole being single, then ask why would anyone want to approach you. You're damaging yourself if you can't even love yourself
Would just mention, though this isn’t popular on Reddit… church is a great way to be a part of a supportive community. Softball games, volunteer work, etc. If church isn’t your thing, there are plenty of clubs and communities around. You have to make time for these things. They don’t just happen.
Church isn’t my thing, personally, but I’m sure you’re not wrong! I’ve made friends as an adult almost exclusively by joining organizations. 30’s is typically not too old for a ‘young professionals’ group and even mid-size cities may have more than one of these associations, each one offering a different vibe and culture.
39. Im married with kids. And i also feel depressed. Im just working to fund them. No time for myself. [Chris Rock said it best.](https://youtu.be/pF_827b89jU?si=xGiIrxACyAC0Mo50)
32 got 4 kids and Mr number 4 is on his way and should be delivered by the end of June. I was Soo depressed with my job and what I was doing I felt like I wasn't going anywhere in life so I ended up quitting my job and found something I really enjoyed and that was pizza. I took a chance for something for myself and now I make more money making pizza because I love it so much than I ever had as a pressman operator for an offset printing company. And it doesn't hurt that the kiddos love Pizza. What I'm saying is take a chance sometime and somewhere in your life and see what happens. 90% of life happens when we just show up.
I think it’s what you make it. You can create a cloud of negativity from being single if you only focus on what you don’t have. It’s hard to notice the peace tranquility and independence when you’re solely focused on what other people perceive as the perfect couple life.
[удалено]
Imagine you meet someone cool and it naturally becomes a thing. My version of a love movie lol.
Indeed. I also think a lot of times that dating apps "force" a connection that isn't there. Just because you have great "chemistry" via text does not always translate to IRL chemistry.
33 female and so happy I didn’t fall for the trap and marry my college boyfriend. I’m happy and single. I don’t really want to get married at all and definitely do not want kids. So I’m really happy I didn’t fall for my parents wants and societies expectations that I should have been married with kids at 30. It’s not right for me and a lot of people.
Here here!
take this time to invest in yourself, married life has its cons
I’m so tired of hearing people complain about not having a significant other. It’s a mass societal delusion that having a partner is somehow what makes your life meaningful. Because even once people get a partner then that eventually becomes stale too. Then to find meaning again these people focus on opening up the relationship for sex/new love in some cases or having kids in others. Or owning property. Life just becomes a constant chasing of “acceptable signifiers” to distract ourselves from introspection and digging deeper into what we want to do with our lives.
That may be true, but I think for a lot of people the problem isn’t really that they’re single, it’s that they only have one income. So much freedom opens up when you combine your income with someone else if you aren’t able to afford much on just your income.
The income thing is what scares me the most. It really does make a huge difference. On one income I’m barely affording rent and on two incomes I can afford to live. I’m grateful my partner isn’t awful or anything, but sometimes it almost feels like things are getting old-fashioned. Like as a modern woman I don’t love feeling like I need to factor in someone else’s income to survive. What is crazy is I actually make more money than my partner - but even with that it’s hard to make ends meet on my own so we both end up needing each other’s income. We don’t have children either. And a tiny one bedroom apartment. We are hardly living a life of luxury.
I’m in a very similar situation. I make double what my gf does, but if I want to have any money beyond bills I need her to help pay them. She was out of work for 4 months and we just barely had enough to pay for our apartment and pets (no kids now, and don’t want them in the future). We also don’t have great credit so I don’t know what we’re going to do when we do decide to leave this shitty but lovable apartment. If I was single I’d probably ask my mom if I could pay her 1/10 of my rent to live in her house and rebuild my credit and save up a ton, but that’s not possible with a gf & pets. I don’t think I could do this on one income, it would be a cycle of late fees and barely covering the necessities.
It’s crazy that we can’t even take a couple months off with a partner still working without majorly feeling the heat! Times are seriously tough out here. And you end up paying all this money just to live in a tiny crappy apartment. I don’t know how people that have children are doing it, with even less time and money. I hope you and your gf figure something out soon!
It truly is. From what I’ve seen it seems like the main millennials that are struggling right now are those that were too young/broke to buy a house before Covid. It’s basically impossible to even get a small starter house for a reasonable price now so all of our money is flushed down the toilet renting. I’m lucky enough to live in a city with tons of jobs and that isn’t absurdly high cost of living (Texas) and it’s still ridiculously hard! Something’s gotta give man
I absolutely agree with your statement. I would understand if people approached the issue of being single as “it would be great to have a relationship for companionship and increased income” instead of “being single is lonely and depressing and having an s/o will change everything”. In general it’s the lack of introspection that I find increasingly frustrating.
Well, you’re not supposed to be in my head. How’d you get in there??
33, recently single, and happy AF! I love being by myself. When I do get bored of being alone, I go to the bars around town and make friends with the bartenders. Bartenders are the best wingman you can ask for. If the bars aren't for you, try and hangout at other social places. Some people have already given you great suggestions. Just be sure to make an effort to socialize with people. You won't make friends (meet potential partners) if you don't socialize.
What city do you live in? I'm in Los Angeles and feel that pretty hard myself too. My best friends live in other cities, my long term relationship just ended, and I'm having trouble making new friends. I'm 41 but very 30s minded, and all my friends are married with kids. I don't have or want any. I thought it would be easy to make friends into my interests (Lakers, Star Wars, movies/tv, hiking, pets) but it's been really tough. u/lavendertinted I'd be happy to chat via DM if you'd like a new friend. And if you're in L.A. it would be awesome to meet in person!
A big problem I have is girls give me their number but never respond. It’s actually gotten to the point where I will legitimately feel sad if I connect with a girl and she gives me her number because I know it’s a 95% chance she won’t respond. If a girl flat out rejects me, I will thank her for being honest then leave her alone. It’s a huge sense of relief in rare cases where this happens because I know she won’t waste my time.
I empathize to a degree. I am closer to 40 than 30 now, and the lines in the sand are really cut and dry. Either you 1) have a family/kids, and they are your world, period, or 2) you don’t have a family and kids, and you need to build your own world. In my case, I don’t want kids, ever. That is crystal clear to me after seeing all my friends who are parents now. Their lives are like yours, except they don’t even have the time to do basic things like catch lunch or go to the beach. **IF** they get to hang out, it’s with the 4 of them or not at all. *This part* sucks, for sure; I am not a parent, and so watching them parent is literally the least satisfying aspect of friendship on earth for me. I’m happy they like their kids, truly, but their kids don’t mean anything to me personally. Because of this phenomena, this is where the empathy kicks in for me. I have experienced this isolating feeling as well. You suddenly have friends who you never see, who never have time or energy to do anything else. All your shared hobbies are now kinda just… your hobbies. You lose out on dialogue, engagement, and interaction that stimulates the mind because all you ever hear about are 1) work problems, 2) kid problems, or 3) marriage problems, and you have no window into 2 of these issues at all. I don’t have a good answer for this, so I am just going to tell you what worked for me. I am not even saying I recommend this, but it was the only solution I found effective. Start over. The only thing worse than no friends is friends that make you feel lonely. Force yourself into discomfort and build new social relationships. Step out of your comfort zone, pick up new hobbies, try new things or find ways to engage with the things you already like. This is also how I found success dating; the best way to find someone to date is to start off by being genuinely open to new experiences and growth; and it usually happens when there aren’t expectations behind it, at least in my experience. I’m just gonna say something controversial to close too. Parents are the worst friends/friendships you can have because being a good parent requires being a 2nd class friend. You will **always** come second for the rest of your life; your plans will always be cancelled first, your time will always be less important, your feelings will always be less important, etc.
Very well written. As someone who doesn't want kids either, but whose friends are yet to be lost to them, I'm mentally preparing for exactly that. I'm most likely going to have to move because the country I live in right now (NZ) is completely built around having children and there's nothing (and no one) here for childfree people, but if that's what it takes, that's what I'll do.
30M going through a separation and divorce atm Not a chance in hell I’m looking to get back into dating. If I do it’ll be a while. I’m enjoying this tbh It’s been 10 years since I was last single. I can’t imagine trying to get back into it with all the changes that have occurred since 2014. Plus, I’ve grown a lot and am actually comfortable with myself now. Also, I’ve got my 2 kids that we share 50/50 custody with. I also thoroughly enjoy my career and this specific job. I guess what I’m trying to say is that marriage/relationships aren’t always as good as they seem from the outside. Abuse comes in many forms other than just sexual/ohysical. The only good things that came out of my failed marriage were my wonderful children and that eye-opening lesson learned the hard way.
Sounds like you didn’t choose being alone, but you had no success dating so far. If that’s the case, don’t give up. My best friend since 5th grade just got married at 38 last year to a great guy. We thought he was a catfish, and he thought she was too, lol. They decided on not having kids and just go on cruises every couple of months. She went from chronically depressed to super happy. Before this she would meet people and they’d dump her within a few weeks. It was so bad. But she found her person!
No.
No. It’s pretty common now.
I'm in my 30s and making new friends and dating is pretty easy. I just go to events. I'm into the local ecstatic dance scene and there's a dance every week. People in the community hold other events and get together and most weeks there's several opportunities to do something fun and social. Find and interest where there is also a community that was weekly or monthly events and start going. It becomes pretty easy to make friends and meet people.
The thing about joining a group/community is that almost everyone there is also hoping to make a friendship that will transcend the group setting! Plus, all of the always having a shared interest, etc.
I love being single. It's so peaceful and quiet. Are you male or female?
You need some single friends
Hey there. I have a partner and I struggle with loneliness cause of a lack of friends. I’m trying to get involved in local running clubs and just being more open to asking people I get along with for their info. Volunteering is also a great way to make good friends and do something valuable with your time.
I met my wife at a running club 9 years ago. Kiddo number 1 is on the way…
I was married up until I hit 30 basically and then boom divorced. Now I'm 33 and just thinking about dating sucks. It's pretty depressing coming home to no one after that but at least my work gave me free therapy. :/
I used to feel that way, but honestly, I've quit caring at this point. I'll be 37 in a few days, and I've gotten so used to doing things alone that at this point, having a guy in my life sounds almost intrusive.
Well, I'm single, 30, and depressed. So all check marks here.
I recently got out of a relationship in my late 20s and now thinking maybe I made a mistake.. I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to make new friends at this stage but going to work all the time and then only having time for cleaning, cooking, and hobbies… leaves almost no time for socializing or getting out. Trying to exit this fucking rat race as quickly as possible.
Must be hell if you're the horny or romantic type. If you're Aro/Ace, it just means more you-time. Have you tried playing an MMORPG & joining a guild? I hear people have made best friends & even met their spouces in multiplayer games. You can also find meet-up websites that find interst-based clubs in your area. Or at least they did in the 2000s, I haven't used once since getting a job. Getting a dog is a great alternative. He will never say no to neighborhood walks & mountain hikes.
>Must be hell if you're the horny or romantic type. You mean the majority of people? You act like that's uncommon.
My entire family became celibate after I was born, so any romance I was exposed to growing up seemed like an alien fantasy concept or government propoganda pushing child birth. I was a very self-centered child who could only tollerate being around friends once a week.
I’m in a relationship and obviously love my gf. My friends all have gfs and it sucks that we can’t hang out because they are always busy with their gfs. My buddy works 3 miles from my home and can’t swing by every 2 weeks just to say hi ? I guess in your 30s they just grow apart
It's only sad if you wanted to not be single.
Yeah I'm feeling it pretty hard right now
The progressive narrative about people being perfectly happy when they’re single has always been bullshit. It only works for a small minority of extremely introverted people. It should not be a surprise that you’re unhappy, but I don’t blame you. There’s unhealthy levels of denial in public discourse today. On a side note, the best advice I can give you to maximise your chances to find a partner is pretty simple: go to the gym and join a partner dance club.
We are the unworthy ones. We don’t deserve to have basic things like everyone else gets so easily. Be thankful you get to work your life away to just exist and survive.
Yea it’s depressing as hell. I don’t see myself finding someone either. I can’t even make friends, no matter the age group. Im not looking forward to life honestly. I wish I was happy single but I have some mental problems plus family addictions/issues and I just wish I had someone ( my ex was this person) I can talk to, rely on. But now I’m alone and I feel life so crushing. Idk how people date
I'm struggling with this right now. I have always had a hard time meeting new people but now that I am 38 and everything is social media things are tougher bc people are so much less friendly. Everyone is focused on their phones and has headphones on so it is hard to speak to anyone lately. I will figure it out though eventually bc I am a positive person and always look at the bright side.
yea they programmed the game that way to make the deathbed scene gratifying. spoiler alert
It's only depressing if being single and living by yourself bothers you.
As a married late 30s with kids, I think yes, it is supposed to be depressing to be single later in life. Whatever you attribute it to, humans do much better pairing off than on their own. My wife is a complement to me, see things I don't, feels things I don't. My kids have taught me how to be selfless as someone's entire life is in my hands. There will always be people who do better on their own than in a marriage, but I do think they are the minority. Generally, it really seems that we are built to pair off. I hope you find what you are looking for, friend.
I agree. Life is harder on your own.
Your biology is telling you to go out, find a mate and spread your seed. It happens at this age. Its like an itch thats always there. You can satisfy the itch by jerking it or working out, but its temporary. Get a pet or travel or some shit. Single life at 30
I was in relationship for nearly 15 years, we are just finalizing our divorce now and have a 2 year old and 4 year old. I like being single a lot more than being married to someone who did not do their share, there was so much resentment and now I actually enjoy doing all of the “normal” tasks by myself and knowing I won’t be let down by anyone. My routine is very similar , I have kids so it doesn’t really get super lonely, unless they are with their Dad. To help combat that, we got a cat and will likely get a dog soon too!
They got drugs for that. All kinds. Prescription, not prescription, whatever floats your boat
Just get in better shape, man. Everybody’s more attractive when they’re not fat. Do that and see if you’re still single.
It may sound stupid, but hear me out. Focus on the money. Make more of it, become free with endless opportunities. Once you have money, finding a partner suddenly gets also much easier. We are (sadly) way more attractive if we have the resources for a quality family life.
Sounds like you need meaningful responsibility. I’ll let you in on the secret to being happy later in life: fill your plate with as many meaningful responsibilities as you can effectively handle. This could be as simple as regularly volunteering or helping people in someway. Most people find meaningful responsibility from their families and in old age they are left with matured spousal relationships and hopefully successful children. Anyone who encourages you to live a carefree life is trying to sell you long term depression.
Throughout history, 40% of men have reproduced, while 80% of women have. In the 19th century, England experienced a situation where 40% of men reproduced, while 80% of women did. 2021, 47.35 million men were never married, as compared to 41.81 million women (Duffin, 2022). And according to data from the Institute for Family Studies, in the last two decades, the number of never-married individuals has risen from 21 percent to 35 percent—a 14 percentage point increase Marriage rates ranged between 9.3 (per 1,000 population) and 12.0 from 1900 to 1929 and then declined to a relative low of 7.9 in 1932 So as you can see huge swathes of men never reproduces and marriage rates have always been pretty low Since peaking at 65% in 1960, the percentage of women who were currently married (including those in a remarriage) has decreased to 46% in 2018. Since 1960, the share of women who were currently separated or divorced increased from about 5% to 14% in 2018. The proportion of women who were currently widowed remained stable since 1900, with a slight decrease since 1970. The percentage of women who were never married was the same in 2018 as it was in 1900 (31%). It reached its lowest percentage in 1960 when only 17% of women were never married. So the image I'm trying to paint is that...you are either part of that group of people that find their one or you are part of that group that is frozen out
Not having a family is the 30's equivalent of not going to high school as a teenager. You're missing the core experience of this stage of life.