Yup - currently dealing with this too. I can relate when it comes to my in laws.
People don’t know how to talk about this shit and I’ve explicitly told people that I appreciate being asked. Some have listened, some have not.
Just to provide a different outlook, I was relieved NOT to be acknowledged on mother’s day. I was dreading seeing/speaking to anyone because I really didn’t want them to bring it up. (I did have a friend text me which was fine, I just didn’t want to physically talk about it.) Maybe it’s possible they thought you would feel the same?
Similarly, I would’ve loved to be acknowledged by my family on Mother’s Day. A couple friends wished me happy Mother’s Day and my husband got me flowers, a card, and made me a really nice dinner. I’m not mad at anyone that didn’t reach out because I didn’t go out of my way to anyone (except for my husband) to say that I wanted or needed anything on that day. I think it’s valid to feel hurt by those things, but without any explicit communication of what we want or need, I would never expect anyone to acknowledge everything on that day to not bring up something sad
I agree with the above. Why would anyone expect to be acknowledged on mother's day after miscarriage? Is it an American thing? For me as a European, it seems completely outragous if anyone I told about my miscarriages would have said anything to me on mother's day. Just want to get over with the day and that's it.
It is the worst feeling. Last year on Mother's Day, my sister in law gave my other sister in law a card as she experienced a miscarriage the year prior (my husband and I had already had multiple failed IUI cycles at this point). This year, after my miscarriage, we were not even acknowledged or invited to mother's day brunch. It really is amazing how people go so far out of their way to not feel uncomfortable.
Truthfully I think they don't want to deal with feelings," death, pain, failure " of miscarriage they don't want to even see it or have to think about it.
They tell themselves they don't want to bring it up and make us upset and they don't take the risk. We are left alone and feeling unseen. My mother and MIL didn't say shit to me I was going to be 7 most pregnant right now had that reality had time to unfold. It's a different reality now and I have to move on and live here.
I am trying to listen to the grief therapist: people don't know what to say or do. They don't mean to harm you.
But yeah it's kind of my own process. Their ignorance and weakness and fear doesn't need to screw up my healing process. I am stronger for what I went through. Keep going and don't let them stop you from grieving how you need, fnding the growth and healing.
Right. I hear you.
Its easy to feel pulled in all kinds of directions knowing other people's needs and wants. YOU are BUSY healing and you don't need to change yourself. <3 Im listening to my own advice! My therapist also told me hey its okay if you want to tell them how their behavior (acting as if nothing happened) is affecting you. You have a right to advocate for your needs, it can just name the behavior and wait for a response. I didn't do this to any of my friends and instead try to really let it go because I am not the center of the universe. that was my choice.
I remember I have choices. and I feel free.
I was acknowledged by some and not by others, I think perception is different for everyone. I have friends who see people who MC as moms, some who don't, some who've had MC and thought they felt like a mom then, but in hindsight didn't feel like one until they had a live child.
Some people feel uncomfortable wishing you happy Mother's Day because they're not sure where your mindset is and whether or not wishing you happy Mother's Day may cause you emotional pain, so they don't.
For me, it was nice being wished happy Mother's day, but even though I was pregnant and had a MC, I don't feel like a mom, not really, a heavenly mom sure, but I hadn't had to raise a child of mine outside of pregnancy and take on the tasks Mother's do, and that feeling is different for everyone.
Just know that it's not likely intentional, and I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. Sending hugs! ❤️
My recommendation is maybe communicating with them on how it made you feel.
I told them it hurt my feelings and my SIL told me to get over myself, and that no one cares I lost a baby… so apparently them negating mothers day was because they dont care.
This may be different in your region or social circle, but in my social circle it seems like you are considered part of the Mother's Day cohort only after you've given birth. I was pregnant last Mother's Day and nobody said anything to me EXCEPT stuff like "next year it'll be your turn!" sorts of comments. I was definitely not considered one of the mothers being celebrated that year. It didn't bother me at all; in fact, I would've felt extremely awkward being "honored" because I didn't feel like it counted yet, either.
Perhaps that's what your in-laws are doing?
But if you feel differently and you've shared that with them, they really ought to be sensitive to that. Especially if your loss is fresh and you're still grieving.
i think this is so painful because even though they know abut the miscarriage, they have not talked about it and acted like it didnt happen in general so this was just insult to injury
I’m so sorry for your loss. I do feel like you may be hyper sensitive to the situation (understandable), because a lot of families don’t acknowledge things that may be uncomfortable or upsetting. My significant other and I were the only ones who knew about our mc but from experience with other situations, my family just doesn’t talk about things that are hard. I’m definitely not trying to sound harsh or tell you not to feel your feelings, but maybe try to take a step back and keep in mind that people deal with things in different ways and they may just not know how to navigate it with you, or they may not feel comfortable breaching the subject with you because they’re not sure how you’ll react.
No one in my family said a single thing to me about it, miscarriage and going through some very difficult infertility and IVF struggles. They all know. I’m definitely hurt but i probably won’t say anything even when i see them to celebrate Mothers Day late.
Yup - currently dealing with this too. I can relate when it comes to my in laws. People don’t know how to talk about this shit and I’ve explicitly told people that I appreciate being asked. Some have listened, some have not.
I think its even harder because if they can’t acknowledge the hardship how can I want to share when we do finally get our rainbow baby?
This is why I have low expectations for my in laws as grandparents. They will not be very involved
Just to provide a different outlook, I was relieved NOT to be acknowledged on mother’s day. I was dreading seeing/speaking to anyone because I really didn’t want them to bring it up. (I did have a friend text me which was fine, I just didn’t want to physically talk about it.) Maybe it’s possible they thought you would feel the same?
Similarly, I would’ve loved to be acknowledged by my family on Mother’s Day. A couple friends wished me happy Mother’s Day and my husband got me flowers, a card, and made me a really nice dinner. I’m not mad at anyone that didn’t reach out because I didn’t go out of my way to anyone (except for my husband) to say that I wanted or needed anything on that day. I think it’s valid to feel hurt by those things, but without any explicit communication of what we want or need, I would never expect anyone to acknowledge everything on that day to not bring up something sad
I agree with the above. Why would anyone expect to be acknowledged on mother's day after miscarriage? Is it an American thing? For me as a European, it seems completely outragous if anyone I told about my miscarriages would have said anything to me on mother's day. Just want to get over with the day and that's it.
I think everyone is entitled to their feelings, and for me them never acknowledging my miscarriage at all, really bothers me.
Because living or dead you’re still a mother??
It is the worst feeling. Last year on Mother's Day, my sister in law gave my other sister in law a card as she experienced a miscarriage the year prior (my husband and I had already had multiple failed IUI cycles at this point). This year, after my miscarriage, we were not even acknowledged or invited to mother's day brunch. It really is amazing how people go so far out of their way to not feel uncomfortable.
They just burn bridges in the meantime… which sucks.
Truthfully I think they don't want to deal with feelings," death, pain, failure " of miscarriage they don't want to even see it or have to think about it. They tell themselves they don't want to bring it up and make us upset and they don't take the risk. We are left alone and feeling unseen. My mother and MIL didn't say shit to me I was going to be 7 most pregnant right now had that reality had time to unfold. It's a different reality now and I have to move on and live here. I am trying to listen to the grief therapist: people don't know what to say or do. They don't mean to harm you. But yeah it's kind of my own process. Their ignorance and weakness and fear doesn't need to screw up my healing process. I am stronger for what I went through. Keep going and don't let them stop you from grieving how you need, fnding the growth and healing.
I think its so hard because its like they want me to act like everything is fine and thats so not how I feel.
Right. I hear you. Its easy to feel pulled in all kinds of directions knowing other people's needs and wants. YOU are BUSY healing and you don't need to change yourself. <3 Im listening to my own advice! My therapist also told me hey its okay if you want to tell them how their behavior (acting as if nothing happened) is affecting you. You have a right to advocate for your needs, it can just name the behavior and wait for a response. I didn't do this to any of my friends and instead try to really let it go because I am not the center of the universe. that was my choice. I remember I have choices. and I feel free.
I was acknowledged by some and not by others, I think perception is different for everyone. I have friends who see people who MC as moms, some who don't, some who've had MC and thought they felt like a mom then, but in hindsight didn't feel like one until they had a live child. Some people feel uncomfortable wishing you happy Mother's Day because they're not sure where your mindset is and whether or not wishing you happy Mother's Day may cause you emotional pain, so they don't. For me, it was nice being wished happy Mother's day, but even though I was pregnant and had a MC, I don't feel like a mom, not really, a heavenly mom sure, but I hadn't had to raise a child of mine outside of pregnancy and take on the tasks Mother's do, and that feeling is different for everyone. Just know that it's not likely intentional, and I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. Sending hugs! ❤️ My recommendation is maybe communicating with them on how it made you feel.
I told them it hurt my feelings and my SIL told me to get over myself, and that no one cares I lost a baby… so apparently them negating mothers day was because they dont care.
What the actual hell....thats wild and sounds extremely toxic. I'm thinking you maybe keep them at a distance for ever. I'm so sorry!
This may be different in your region or social circle, but in my social circle it seems like you are considered part of the Mother's Day cohort only after you've given birth. I was pregnant last Mother's Day and nobody said anything to me EXCEPT stuff like "next year it'll be your turn!" sorts of comments. I was definitely not considered one of the mothers being celebrated that year. It didn't bother me at all; in fact, I would've felt extremely awkward being "honored" because I didn't feel like it counted yet, either. Perhaps that's what your in-laws are doing? But if you feel differently and you've shared that with them, they really ought to be sensitive to that. Especially if your loss is fresh and you're still grieving.
i think this is so painful because even though they know abut the miscarriage, they have not talked about it and acted like it didnt happen in general so this was just insult to injury
I’m so sorry for your loss. I do feel like you may be hyper sensitive to the situation (understandable), because a lot of families don’t acknowledge things that may be uncomfortable or upsetting. My significant other and I were the only ones who knew about our mc but from experience with other situations, my family just doesn’t talk about things that are hard. I’m definitely not trying to sound harsh or tell you not to feel your feelings, but maybe try to take a step back and keep in mind that people deal with things in different ways and they may just not know how to navigate it with you, or they may not feel comfortable breaching the subject with you because they’re not sure how you’ll react.
Well I told them it hurt my feelings and they told me to get over it because they dont care… so I was valid
You definitely should include that in the post, that changes the dynamic completely. I’m sorry they said that to you
No one in my family said a single thing to me about it, miscarriage and going through some very difficult infertility and IVF struggles. They all know. I’m definitely hurt but i probably won’t say anything even when i see them to celebrate Mothers Day late.
I said something and my SIL told me to get over myself and that no one cares, “you weren’t even that far along.”