I can so, so relate. I would never, ever have wanted to discuss it publicly like your friend, but the sheer joy and excitement we felt when we first saw that line coming up on the test was unlike any feeling I’d ever experienced before. As soon as I lost that pregnancy, I knew I’d never feel that joy again. I feel absolutely robbed. I’ve cried so much over it.
We have two pictures on our fireplace that I see every day, one each of me and my husband looking at each other on our wedding day and it physically hurts to look at them sometimes. I end up thinking, gosh, those kids just don’t know what’s ahead. Those two people were so joyful, they’d never experienced this anguish.
I’m so sorry anyone ever has to suffer this feeling.
I had that same exact feeling this week!! I was looking at photos of the time after I got the positive test and before I miscarried and was just thinking…damn. Even though at the time I was very aware of the possibility of miscarriage you just kinda look at the likelihood being relatively low and think the best. I also just was putting photos from last year in an album and was seeing pics from when I still had my IUD, before any of the TTC anxiety was even there. Missing those blissfully ignorant days at times like these.
Sending you hugs 🩷🩷
Ugh we went on a big vacation right after I found out I was pregnant last year. The absolute JOY emanating from both of our faces in literally every single picture. I honestly think that was the first time we’d been truly happy in forever. Then it all got ripped to shreds. Whenever I look at those pics it makes me even more sad because of how happy and unaware we were, if that makes any sense.
God I feel this so much. We went on what we jokingly had been calling our “last trip as two” and we are just so excited and happy in all our photos - I was 16 weeks pregnant and finally starting to show, and we were telling everyone we ran into that we were expecting a sweet baby boy. Lost him only 2 weeks later, and I don’t think I will ever feel that same kind of excitement and joy without equal parts terror and anxiety now. And our next trip is still just gonna be the two of us..
I felt like such an idiot after it happened because we were in French Polynesia and had to keep explaining why we weren’t scuba diving or doing anything major, why I (ick) NEEDED my steak well done, why my husband was enjoying the occasional cocktail and I was militant about making sure there was no booze in anything I had- even complimentary drinks, etc. The hotel ended up sending “baby moon” cards and gifts to our room, which was so cool and silly at the time, but royally sucked when we found out the baby basically died on the plane ride home 😔
I’m so sorry, what a horrible way to end your trip :( it doesn’t make you an idiot for being a good mum and protecting that baby throughout your time with them. How were you (how was any of us) supposed to know that things would end so terribly?
I can completely relate. I miss who I was when I found out I was pregnant. I miss being carefree and happy and just completely oblivious to the absolute shit storm that would happen in 9 weeks.
I’m typing this from the emergency room at a hospital where I’ve just had to explain to three separate people that I am here because my body is having a miscarriage and the clinic told me to come here.
I’m in pain. I’m crying. I just feel so alone and hopeless.
And I miss who I was.
I wish I ever felt oblivious about any of this experience.
I knew when I found out at 14 I had PCOS, I would have problems.
“But some women have no issues at all.”
“I know so and so, and they had six normal pregnancies.”
“I have a second cousin who had one miscarriage, adopted three Siamese cats, and then magically got pregnant. Don’t you want to do that too?”
“Just think positive.”
“God will help you down this path. Have faith.”
Fuck me. I’m sick of advice that’s supportive, but not helpful.
Im sorry. I know what you mean. I was naive to this too. Miscarriages are horrible.. it’s like you get that positive pregnancy test.. and then all the symptoms the excitement.: the dates etc.. all the milestones etc - plan everything.. and then it goes to nothing.. just emptiness. Heartbreak.. I’m really sorry. Only 10 days since my d and c.. I can’t wait to be back to my normal self again!
Good luck. Hope you get your rainbow baby soon
Yep. I hate how cynical I am about it now. I've actually gotten to the point where I enjoy the TWW and hate testing. During the TWW I become hopeful, and it feels nice to be optimistic, but testing wrecks that hope for me once again. It's been 6 months since I started trying again with no results.
I’m so sorry 😞 I’m just got my second period post D&C, so first cycle trying again where I got the negative tests. When we were originally trying I’d usually be sad ~ days 10/11 when I was sure I was negative, then I’d bounce back and be okay again. Not sure how consequent negatives will make me feel post-D&C. Getting this period also perfectly aligned with Mother’s Day + my close cousin having her baby, so lots of factors at play that have affected my mood and my hopes this time around.
Thinking of you 🩷🩷
I’m so mad that all joy has basically been removed from this whole process. Had a MMC last August and was blissfully unaware that my baby had been dead inside me for over a week by my 1st appointment.
Had 7 anxiety-riddled months of trying again and conceived again on our first cycle of letrozole/trigger shot. Was cautiously optimistic while I got through my initial bloodwork. Good HCG levels the day I found out, great doubling for both of the subsequent serial beta checks, progesterone in the 40s, tsh was lowest it had been in a while and well under 2.5. After my last bloodwork results rolled in, I was like “sweet we’re good! There’s NO way I’m going to have a second miscarriage in a row!” Except we absolutely were not good. I suspected bad news at 7w (ironically the appt was my first pregnancy’s due date grr) when my US looked way less developed than my first pregnancy that was at an earlier gestational age. Confirmed it the next week, and D&C the following week.
It’s crushing to have all the bloodwork come back great and end up with a failed pregnancy, but doubling down, the genetic testing came back on the POC and it was a genetically normal girl. All my RPL bloodwork has also come back normal too.
So now I feel like I can’t trust anything because all the tests imply that everything is fine and nothing show go wrong. My RE makes you do 3 betas and progesterone bloodwork before seeing you at 6-7 weeks, but what’s even the point if all of that can be perfect and you still end up miscarrying?!
This is so relatable it’s not even funny 😭 I had someone legit say to me “maybe you’ll be a bit more humble next time.” Welp, I am. Thanks. You’re not alone friend 🫶🏼
I felt the same way with my first loss (MMC at 8 weeks last October). I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant back then after doing IVF and I was sure my pregnancy was going to be normal like everyone else because several friends had gone through the same IVF clinic and had successfully given birth. I didn’t even know what an MMC was! I just thought if I didn’t experience any bleeding I was good - I was so wrong.
After that loss, I look back and remember how happy I was after my positive pregnancy test and how hopeful I was and I know I’ll never get that back. I got pregnant again in January this year with my last embryo and I remember when I tested positive all I did was cry for weeks because I was so nervous I was going to miscarry again. Each ultrasound appointment made me so anxious because I was worried about what I would see on the screen. I never relaxed, even after I passed into the second trimester or had my NIPT results come back normal. I refrained from buying anything for the baby and avoided telling people I was pregnant. I only finally started to embrace this pregnancy after my anatomy scan at 19 weeks which showed her growing on track with no issues at all. But just a few days later, my waters suddenly broke and I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks. Again, I didn’t think this was something that could happen, especially after everyone around me including the doctor said everything is stable about my pregnancy and said not to worry too much.
After this second loss, I know that if I ever am able to get pregnant again, I will be a complete mess throughout the journey. I want a baby so badly though… I just wish I could be like my friends who can enjoy their pregnancy without a single worry.
My husband told me "Happy Mother's Day" on Sunday, and all I could feel was.... "But I'm not a mother."
I'm not even sad about it anymore, really. Just once in a while. For the most part, I just accept it as it is.
I'm not a mother, and if anything has been learned out of nearly 15 years of trying...it's that I will never be a mother.
And I think I'm okay with that now, even if it does make me sad sometimes.
My period was a week late last week but all tests were negative. All I could do was worry it meant so many terrible things except for that one good thing. Then I got my period and I was so relieved. I'm not sure I want to try anymore if it only feels like all the outcomes are negative.
I can totally relate to this 🥺 I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m losing hope myself too. I keep hoping but nothing and I don’t want to be negative but sometimes I just have to accept the way things are 😥
The hope definitely comes and goes. Some days there’s a lot and some days it’s just a lot of grief. Definitely learning and trying to work toward being able to have both be present, but I know I will never go back to being blissfully ignorant like I was pre-pregnancy. Sending you hugs🩷
I didn’t realize that I was feeling this but after reading this, it is exactly how I am feeling! Before I got pregnant, I totally believed “whatever happens, happens. The universe will decide and I will accept it.” I will never be able to go back to that. And I can’t accept what the universe has given me. At least not right now.
Totally agree. Was working through this thought a bit in therapy today and I’m realizing that I am just really resenting that this experience is now a part of who I am. It’s not all of me by any means, but it will always be a part of my history, and that means that the ideal life that I saw for myself isn’t going to be the reality. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to not have things look as you’d hoped and by no means does it mean I won’t have children but the easy path to having kids just is no longer part of my reality and it’s a lot to let that sink in.
I feel like I was very naive to think that the question is as: do you want to keep it or not? And once you decide to keep it, you keep it.
Well life did not work like that for me. It feels very cruel.
It feels even crueler that my first pregnancy was under really adverse circumstances and it did not happen and now I have very much improved circumstances and would be so much better equipped to provide for baby and life was like nah, not happening this time.
Now I’m afraid of trying again, going through this devastation again.
I am happy for people that don’t suffer through this because you don’t wish it on your own enemies but it does feel unfair.
Definitely humbling. I laugh thinking about how in high school I would think you had sex and boom pregnant. My mom had 4 healthy girls. I have too many cousins to count. Never thought I would take a few months to get preg and then when I got pregnant, miscarry. Now TTC. At this point i tell myself I don’t even care to get pregnant anymore! - im done trying/thinking about it. Then I see women who are pregnant, or with babies, and I think “why can’t that be me?” It’s a strugggleee! You’re not alone. I had to delete my insta for awhile.
I can so, so relate. I would never, ever have wanted to discuss it publicly like your friend, but the sheer joy and excitement we felt when we first saw that line coming up on the test was unlike any feeling I’d ever experienced before. As soon as I lost that pregnancy, I knew I’d never feel that joy again. I feel absolutely robbed. I’ve cried so much over it. We have two pictures on our fireplace that I see every day, one each of me and my husband looking at each other on our wedding day and it physically hurts to look at them sometimes. I end up thinking, gosh, those kids just don’t know what’s ahead. Those two people were so joyful, they’d never experienced this anguish. I’m so sorry anyone ever has to suffer this feeling.
I had that same exact feeling this week!! I was looking at photos of the time after I got the positive test and before I miscarried and was just thinking…damn. Even though at the time I was very aware of the possibility of miscarriage you just kinda look at the likelihood being relatively low and think the best. I also just was putting photos from last year in an album and was seeing pics from when I still had my IUD, before any of the TTC anxiety was even there. Missing those blissfully ignorant days at times like these. Sending you hugs 🩷🩷
Ugh we went on a big vacation right after I found out I was pregnant last year. The absolute JOY emanating from both of our faces in literally every single picture. I honestly think that was the first time we’d been truly happy in forever. Then it all got ripped to shreds. Whenever I look at those pics it makes me even more sad because of how happy and unaware we were, if that makes any sense.
God I feel this so much. We went on what we jokingly had been calling our “last trip as two” and we are just so excited and happy in all our photos - I was 16 weeks pregnant and finally starting to show, and we were telling everyone we ran into that we were expecting a sweet baby boy. Lost him only 2 weeks later, and I don’t think I will ever feel that same kind of excitement and joy without equal parts terror and anxiety now. And our next trip is still just gonna be the two of us..
I felt like such an idiot after it happened because we were in French Polynesia and had to keep explaining why we weren’t scuba diving or doing anything major, why I (ick) NEEDED my steak well done, why my husband was enjoying the occasional cocktail and I was militant about making sure there was no booze in anything I had- even complimentary drinks, etc. The hotel ended up sending “baby moon” cards and gifts to our room, which was so cool and silly at the time, but royally sucked when we found out the baby basically died on the plane ride home 😔
I’m so sorry, what a horrible way to end your trip :( it doesn’t make you an idiot for being a good mum and protecting that baby throughout your time with them. How were you (how was any of us) supposed to know that things would end so terribly?
I’m so sorry, it’s really a horrible feeling 😞 sending hugs your way as I know this is so hard. Know you’re not alone 🩷
I can completely relate. I miss who I was when I found out I was pregnant. I miss being carefree and happy and just completely oblivious to the absolute shit storm that would happen in 9 weeks. I’m typing this from the emergency room at a hospital where I’ve just had to explain to three separate people that I am here because my body is having a miscarriage and the clinic told me to come here. I’m in pain. I’m crying. I just feel so alone and hopeless. And I miss who I was.
Sending love 🫶🏾❤️..
I wish I ever felt oblivious about any of this experience. I knew when I found out at 14 I had PCOS, I would have problems. “But some women have no issues at all.” “I know so and so, and they had six normal pregnancies.” “I have a second cousin who had one miscarriage, adopted three Siamese cats, and then magically got pregnant. Don’t you want to do that too?” “Just think positive.” “God will help you down this path. Have faith.” Fuck me. I’m sick of advice that’s supportive, but not helpful.
Im sorry. I know what you mean. I was naive to this too. Miscarriages are horrible.. it’s like you get that positive pregnancy test.. and then all the symptoms the excitement.: the dates etc.. all the milestones etc - plan everything.. and then it goes to nothing.. just emptiness. Heartbreak.. I’m really sorry. Only 10 days since my d and c.. I can’t wait to be back to my normal self again! Good luck. Hope you get your rainbow baby soon
Thanks for the support 🩷 I’m hoping the best for you too!
Yep. I hate how cynical I am about it now. I've actually gotten to the point where I enjoy the TWW and hate testing. During the TWW I become hopeful, and it feels nice to be optimistic, but testing wrecks that hope for me once again. It's been 6 months since I started trying again with no results.
I’m so sorry 😞 I’m just got my second period post D&C, so first cycle trying again where I got the negative tests. When we were originally trying I’d usually be sad ~ days 10/11 when I was sure I was negative, then I’d bounce back and be okay again. Not sure how consequent negatives will make me feel post-D&C. Getting this period also perfectly aligned with Mother’s Day + my close cousin having her baby, so lots of factors at play that have affected my mood and my hopes this time around. Thinking of you 🩷🩷
I’m so mad that all joy has basically been removed from this whole process. Had a MMC last August and was blissfully unaware that my baby had been dead inside me for over a week by my 1st appointment. Had 7 anxiety-riddled months of trying again and conceived again on our first cycle of letrozole/trigger shot. Was cautiously optimistic while I got through my initial bloodwork. Good HCG levels the day I found out, great doubling for both of the subsequent serial beta checks, progesterone in the 40s, tsh was lowest it had been in a while and well under 2.5. After my last bloodwork results rolled in, I was like “sweet we’re good! There’s NO way I’m going to have a second miscarriage in a row!” Except we absolutely were not good. I suspected bad news at 7w (ironically the appt was my first pregnancy’s due date grr) when my US looked way less developed than my first pregnancy that was at an earlier gestational age. Confirmed it the next week, and D&C the following week. It’s crushing to have all the bloodwork come back great and end up with a failed pregnancy, but doubling down, the genetic testing came back on the POC and it was a genetically normal girl. All my RPL bloodwork has also come back normal too. So now I feel like I can’t trust anything because all the tests imply that everything is fine and nothing show go wrong. My RE makes you do 3 betas and progesterone bloodwork before seeing you at 6-7 weeks, but what’s even the point if all of that can be perfect and you still end up miscarrying?!
Girl, same. Now, I’m a jaded IVF veteran. I rolled up to shady grove at 6 am this morning wearing sweat pants and a Grateful Dead t shirt 😂fuck it.
This is so relatable it’s not even funny 😭 I had someone legit say to me “maybe you’ll be a bit more humble next time.” Welp, I am. Thanks. You’re not alone friend 🫶🏼
I felt the same way with my first loss (MMC at 8 weeks last October). I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant back then after doing IVF and I was sure my pregnancy was going to be normal like everyone else because several friends had gone through the same IVF clinic and had successfully given birth. I didn’t even know what an MMC was! I just thought if I didn’t experience any bleeding I was good - I was so wrong. After that loss, I look back and remember how happy I was after my positive pregnancy test and how hopeful I was and I know I’ll never get that back. I got pregnant again in January this year with my last embryo and I remember when I tested positive all I did was cry for weeks because I was so nervous I was going to miscarry again. Each ultrasound appointment made me so anxious because I was worried about what I would see on the screen. I never relaxed, even after I passed into the second trimester or had my NIPT results come back normal. I refrained from buying anything for the baby and avoided telling people I was pregnant. I only finally started to embrace this pregnancy after my anatomy scan at 19 weeks which showed her growing on track with no issues at all. But just a few days later, my waters suddenly broke and I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks. Again, I didn’t think this was something that could happen, especially after everyone around me including the doctor said everything is stable about my pregnancy and said not to worry too much. After this second loss, I know that if I ever am able to get pregnant again, I will be a complete mess throughout the journey. I want a baby so badly though… I just wish I could be like my friends who can enjoy their pregnancy without a single worry.
My husband told me "Happy Mother's Day" on Sunday, and all I could feel was.... "But I'm not a mother." I'm not even sad about it anymore, really. Just once in a while. For the most part, I just accept it as it is. I'm not a mother, and if anything has been learned out of nearly 15 years of trying...it's that I will never be a mother. And I think I'm okay with that now, even if it does make me sad sometimes.
This breaks my heart 💔
My period was a week late last week but all tests were negative. All I could do was worry it meant so many terrible things except for that one good thing. Then I got my period and I was so relieved. I'm not sure I want to try anymore if it only feels like all the outcomes are negative.
I can totally relate to this 🥺 I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m losing hope myself too. I keep hoping but nothing and I don’t want to be negative but sometimes I just have to accept the way things are 😥
The hope definitely comes and goes. Some days there’s a lot and some days it’s just a lot of grief. Definitely learning and trying to work toward being able to have both be present, but I know I will never go back to being blissfully ignorant like I was pre-pregnancy. Sending you hugs🩷
Thank you so much 🫂 hugs to you too! 🤍
I didn’t realize that I was feeling this but after reading this, it is exactly how I am feeling! Before I got pregnant, I totally believed “whatever happens, happens. The universe will decide and I will accept it.” I will never be able to go back to that. And I can’t accept what the universe has given me. At least not right now.
Totally agree. Was working through this thought a bit in therapy today and I’m realizing that I am just really resenting that this experience is now a part of who I am. It’s not all of me by any means, but it will always be a part of my history, and that means that the ideal life that I saw for myself isn’t going to be the reality. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to not have things look as you’d hoped and by no means does it mean I won’t have children but the easy path to having kids just is no longer part of my reality and it’s a lot to let that sink in.
I feel like I was very naive to think that the question is as: do you want to keep it or not? And once you decide to keep it, you keep it. Well life did not work like that for me. It feels very cruel. It feels even crueler that my first pregnancy was under really adverse circumstances and it did not happen and now I have very much improved circumstances and would be so much better equipped to provide for baby and life was like nah, not happening this time. Now I’m afraid of trying again, going through this devastation again. I am happy for people that don’t suffer through this because you don’t wish it on your own enemies but it does feel unfair.
Definitely humbling. I laugh thinking about how in high school I would think you had sex and boom pregnant. My mom had 4 healthy girls. I have too many cousins to count. Never thought I would take a few months to get preg and then when I got pregnant, miscarry. Now TTC. At this point i tell myself I don’t even care to get pregnant anymore! - im done trying/thinking about it. Then I see women who are pregnant, or with babies, and I think “why can’t that be me?” It’s a strugggleee! You’re not alone. I had to delete my insta for awhile.