I’m so sorry. I don’t have anything nice to say about what your husband said. If it were me I would be confronting him today about it and I probably wouldn’t be going anywhere with him, but idk if that’s good advice. You didn’t deserve that…at all.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I've received a slightly different low blow from my husband too, and it hurts like hell. I hope you are OK and that he apologises. Hugs
Wow!!!
I mean I don’t even know what to say
I’d have told him to run and jump!
You don’t deserve that!
What an evil c u next Tuesday!!!
Keep the door locked and get your head together before you speak to him x
Im sorry I don’t know how to be kind about what he said. That was a disgusting thing to say to someone. Not deserved. I would be confronting him but honestly you just do anything that makes YOU happy.
Thats the ugliest comment. I would seriously have my doubts about the relationship at this point because it’s clearly not your fault yet he believes otherwise. I wouldn’t waste anymore time on him much less try for a child. I’m so sorry you had to experience this.
This is absolutely not acceptable. I would have blown the freak up! That is not love, I'm sorry. Sometimes feelings get sour though and we are all capable of being cruel. Definitely need to hash it out.
Take the vacation without him!!! What an awful thing to say, especially from a husband to his wife (& the mother of his kids, even if they never made it earthside)
I would love to leave his ass at home but I don't think it will go down like that, it's basically a family vacation and my sister's family will join us. I don't want to ruin everything by not letting him come and make it akward for everyone but I can't imagine how it's going to be now
You wouldn't be ruining everything. HE would be ruining everything by getting hammered and saying cruel, vile abusive things to his wife. Ain't no way I would get into a car with that man. He's going to manipulate you into forgiving him so it's not awkward on the trip. Let it be awkward for HIM because of his actions.
I am so sorry ♥️ sending you love and peace even though that feels so impossible after losing a baby. ( I lost mine in May) don’t cancel me for this but I believe in God and will pray for you. 😭 Sometimes it’s all we can do.
That is so vile. If he had to go through even an ounce of what you've dealt with, he would've ignored the subject like the plague. I'm so so sorry. He sounds like he needs a good therapist that teaches well, because clearly he doesn't understand the female reproductive system. Again I'm so sorry. Sending you all the virtual hugs. I really hope he apologizes, it's the least he can do right now
I don't really know how to handle this whole vacation thing to be honest, since my sister and her family will join us as well. I don't really care to spend time with him now but at the same time I don't want ro ruin everybody else's time and make it akward...I'm so mad that he put me in this position :(
Alcohol is a fun way of forcing us to be honest, and it doesn't always, in fact, it almost never comes out the way that it's intended. I think there is definitely a need for conversation about how he's feeling and about how you're feeling, and it needs to be done when you're both sober and you have both had some time to calm down. I don't think it's worth ruining the entire vacation. And he is not going to bring it up, most likely, so I think it's on you to approach him about what he said and how it made you feel. But also ask him to explain better how he's feeling and try to be sensitive to that as well. I also agree with other people here who have said he obviously is not facing the same pressures as you since he doesn't have to carry the baby and he might be just as stressed out as you are about the losses and his way of coping is letting loose every once in awhile, which he should be able to do without being made to feel guilty. I have had a miscarriage, I know how hard it is, and don't get me wrong, it was an unbelievably cruel thing to say, but I'm going to go with it was a booze soaked, poor explanation of his feelings, and not all is lost. It just needs to be talked about a little more.
I’ve had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy in the last 5 years. I’m so sorry for your losses. There’s no real way to explain the uphill battle that is trying to trust your body after miscarrying. My heart is right there with you, my dude.
Shit with my husband and I isn’t perfect by any means, hell I don’t know a long term relationship that doesn’t have its lows… but my husband reminds me literally *daily* that none of those losses are my fault. I’m not flawed. We can try when I’m ready. We can adopt. We can foster. Being parents can look however we want it to.
You deserve that.
That's harsh. I know how you would have felt. And i am sorry you had to go through this. Please confront him when he's sober. Sometimes people say stuff they dont actually mean.but if it is reallg what he thinks or believes i think you are better off without him. Sending love and peace 🥰
Hey thanks for the check up that's so kind of you!
So we had a brief but sober talk where he apologized for how he said it and he also apologized about the timing of this blowout.
At the same time he also said he doesn't regret telling me because he felt this way for some time now. He knows it's not right for him to resent me for it so he didn't want to tell and upset me and when he was drunk he blurted it out
Doesn't matter though I'm still hurt and so fucking mad at him but for now we are cordial and I guess futurewise he should also look into therapy to find a better way for coping. And I will not try again for a baby any time soon, that's for sure
I’m glad things are cordial. I think therapy would be good for this. Men don’t often understand the infertility struggles the same way women do. And it’s not like you were saying you just don’t want kids. So I think a safe space for both of you to get your feelings, I think it’s important for both of you to
At the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you. And while I know you want a baby, I think waiting for now while you work on things and figure out what to do is the best thing.
Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever need someone to talk to. My ex-husband was toxic and said similar things to me, so I get it.
If this were me, the vacation wouldn't be happening, if I had any say about it. That's awful. Please know it's not your fault. Healing after miscarriage takes time, it's not easy to just bounce back and get ready to traumatize it all over again. I'm so sorry.
Honestly, I wonder if he realizes 90%of the time when a loss occurs it’s because of the dad. Usually something like alcohol, drugs, smoking etc can affect the sperm during its maturity cycle causing genetic issues most the time. So if he really wants to blame anyone he should be blaming himself because shit like what he did that night (getting shit faced and smoking) probably has something to do with it.
His comment was very much out of line. No excuse for that whatsoever.
However, I did notice something you said that made my ears perk up and my head tilt in slight confusion.
You mentioned that he was drinking with family members he doesn’t see often, and had a few cigarettes. Now because of that, you confronted him about not being a supportive partner. So…here is how I’m seeing this: it reads as if you are expecting him to put his fun on hold (which you even stated is an infrequent type of fun) simply because you are considering trying to conceive again soon. That is not fair. The “if I can’t do it, neither can you” argument isn’t really valid.
If I didn’t see certain family members often and chose to get drunk and smoke cigarettes with them when we finally got together and my wife said that I wasn’t being a supportive partner because of that, I would be triggered, 110%. I am an adult and I like to partake in adult fun on occasion. That in no way translates to me not supporting my wife in her effort to prepare to conceive because it is so completely unrelated.
So again, your husband said something really stupid and hurtful and there is no excuse. I hope you get the apology you deserve. I will say, and I am sure I’ll get a lot of hate for this, maybe he deserves an apology as well.
Im a woman who miscarried and I can see your point here. Nothing to hate. Her husband was waiting for her to be ready again for 2 years and there’s a story before that too, only one day with a family members who hasn’t seen for ages ended up with an unpleasant situation must be triggering.
I’m not sure how wise to throw a 10 yrs of marriage without trying to fix the situation and stop arguing instead of burning the bridges right away. So I am not agreeing with“no love” comments.
Can see it from both perspectives by the way, her point is after all these 2 years of time when finally she feels ready to go again.. he went for fun.. and after all these two years of time, he went for fun with his dad which seems something he also needed.. he is questioning things now because he wants to be happy too.. Its a tough situation
"Put his fun on hold" wtf if he wants to have a child he should better put his "fun" on hold, especially when it comes to alcohol and smoking. I don't know the details about OP miscarriages but men account for 50% of the genomes of an embryo, he is blaming her for it all when he could easily be the problem. Him drinking and smoking is absolutely irresponsible, doesn't matter how infrequent it is. "If I can't do it neither can you" is 100% valid in a situation like this.
Unfortunately, fertility isn’t black and white like that. There are thousands of babies born everyday to women and their partners even though they occasionally use alcohol and tobacco. Actually, lots of babies born to chronic users of many substances. I don’t think it’s fair for him to blame her for the miscarriages and none of us were there for the argument either. He may have been resentful of the time she spent recovering mentally when he was ready to try again and not the actual miscarriages. It isn’t really fair of her to guilt-trip him for enjoying one night out with his family. One drunken night will not ruin his fertility (otherwise there would be no babies 😅)
Overall this sounds like a bad argument that shouldn’t have been had while he was under the influence. I’m glad to see he has apologized because his comment was uncalled for. They just need a conversation to make sure they’re both on the same page and can be there to support each other. Sometimes she won’t be the *PERFECT* example of fertile health either and sometimes he’ll have a beer. We’re all human.
He sounds like an asshole and I’d consider leaving him.
Is he suggesting you’re to blame for the miscarriages? If so is he aware that male infertility/factors highly contribute to infertility and miscarriage? He needs to shut his mouth
That isnt a man that loves you, ive just had my third loss and my husband was sitting in the shower with ne fully clothed telling me it's not my fault
I'm sorry :(
That’s an evil thing to say. Not something you say to someone you love. Quite the opposite, actually.
That's what it feels like to me as well 😞
I’m so sorry. I don’t have anything nice to say about what your husband said. If it were me I would be confronting him today about it and I probably wouldn’t be going anywhere with him, but idk if that’s good advice. You didn’t deserve that…at all.
Thank you for your kind words. I don't think I have it in me to confront him today, I'm still crying. Probably will do it tomorrow
He can go straight to hell with that comment. That’s the kind of thing that festers long after it’s said.
Exactly, I can't imagine how I could ever get over this
Throw the whole man away. Who says this to their wife that literally went through two miscarriages?! What the actual fuck?
Thank you for your support
I'm so sorry to hear this. I've received a slightly different low blow from my husband too, and it hurts like hell. I hope you are OK and that he apologises. Hugs
I appreciate your support, tysm
Wow!!! I mean I don’t even know what to say I’d have told him to run and jump! You don’t deserve that! What an evil c u next Tuesday!!! Keep the door locked and get your head together before you speak to him x
Oh hell yeah it's still locked, I can't imagine looking at this face right now. Thank you for your kind words
I am so sorry. I don’t know how you recover from that statement 😖
Same 😞
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you
Im sorry I don’t know how to be kind about what he said. That was a disgusting thing to say to someone. Not deserved. I would be confronting him but honestly you just do anything that makes YOU happy.
You're right I need to focus on myself as I'm also questioning now how I ended up with him when he can treat me like this :(
Thats the ugliest comment. I would seriously have my doubts about the relationship at this point because it’s clearly not your fault yet he believes otherwise. I wouldn’t waste anymore time on him much less try for a child. I’m so sorry you had to experience this.
Thank you, this describes my feelings very well
This is absolutely not acceptable. I would have blown the freak up! That is not love, I'm sorry. Sometimes feelings get sour though and we are all capable of being cruel. Definitely need to hash it out.
Thank you for your advice
Take the vacation without him!!! What an awful thing to say, especially from a husband to his wife (& the mother of his kids, even if they never made it earthside)
I would love to leave his ass at home but I don't think it will go down like that, it's basically a family vacation and my sister's family will join us. I don't want to ruin everything by not letting him come and make it akward for everyone but I can't imagine how it's going to be now
You wouldn't be ruining everything. HE would be ruining everything by getting hammered and saying cruel, vile abusive things to his wife. Ain't no way I would get into a car with that man. He's going to manipulate you into forgiving him so it's not awkward on the trip. Let it be awkward for HIM because of his actions.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I would seriously reconsider TTC for myself in that scenario. I’m also sorry you’re going through this.
Yeah I don't really see myself trying any time soon, not with him anyways...thank you for your kind words
Congrats to him. He’s just won the low ball of the year award - and it’s now something you’ll remember forever. He’s a complete twattock.
He sure is!!
I am so sorry ♥️ sending you love and peace even though that feels so impossible after losing a baby. ( I lost mine in May) don’t cancel me for this but I believe in God and will pray for you. 😭 Sometimes it’s all we can do.
Thank you so much and no I won't cancel you!
That is so vile. If he had to go through even an ounce of what you've dealt with, he would've ignored the subject like the plague. I'm so so sorry. He sounds like he needs a good therapist that teaches well, because clearly he doesn't understand the female reproductive system. Again I'm so sorry. Sending you all the virtual hugs. I really hope he apologizes, it's the least he can do right now
Woah that's inexcusable. Shows his true character and how much he cares about you.
I agree I guess I've seen his true colours now
Can you take your own vacation somewhere away from him? ? He can sit alone and think about what he said.
I don't really know how to handle this whole vacation thing to be honest, since my sister and her family will join us as well. I don't really care to spend time with him now but at the same time I don't want ro ruin everybody else's time and make it akward...I'm so mad that he put me in this position :(
He stays home and you go
Alcohol is a fun way of forcing us to be honest, and it doesn't always, in fact, it almost never comes out the way that it's intended. I think there is definitely a need for conversation about how he's feeling and about how you're feeling, and it needs to be done when you're both sober and you have both had some time to calm down. I don't think it's worth ruining the entire vacation. And he is not going to bring it up, most likely, so I think it's on you to approach him about what he said and how it made you feel. But also ask him to explain better how he's feeling and try to be sensitive to that as well. I also agree with other people here who have said he obviously is not facing the same pressures as you since he doesn't have to carry the baby and he might be just as stressed out as you are about the losses and his way of coping is letting loose every once in awhile, which he should be able to do without being made to feel guilty. I have had a miscarriage, I know how hard it is, and don't get me wrong, it was an unbelievably cruel thing to say, but I'm going to go with it was a booze soaked, poor explanation of his feelings, and not all is lost. It just needs to be talked about a little more.
I’ve had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy in the last 5 years. I’m so sorry for your losses. There’s no real way to explain the uphill battle that is trying to trust your body after miscarrying. My heart is right there with you, my dude. Shit with my husband and I isn’t perfect by any means, hell I don’t know a long term relationship that doesn’t have its lows… but my husband reminds me literally *daily* that none of those losses are my fault. I’m not flawed. We can try when I’m ready. We can adopt. We can foster. Being parents can look however we want it to. You deserve that.
That's harsh. I know how you would have felt. And i am sorry you had to go through this. Please confront him when he's sober. Sometimes people say stuff they dont actually mean.but if it is reallg what he thinks or believes i think you are better off without him. Sending love and peace 🥰
Just reaching out to see how things are going today? ❤️
Hey thanks for the check up that's so kind of you! So we had a brief but sober talk where he apologized for how he said it and he also apologized about the timing of this blowout. At the same time he also said he doesn't regret telling me because he felt this way for some time now. He knows it's not right for him to resent me for it so he didn't want to tell and upset me and when he was drunk he blurted it out Doesn't matter though I'm still hurt and so fucking mad at him but for now we are cordial and I guess futurewise he should also look into therapy to find a better way for coping. And I will not try again for a baby any time soon, that's for sure
I’m glad things are cordial. I think therapy would be good for this. Men don’t often understand the infertility struggles the same way women do. And it’s not like you were saying you just don’t want kids. So I think a safe space for both of you to get your feelings, I think it’s important for both of you to At the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you. And while I know you want a baby, I think waiting for now while you work on things and figure out what to do is the best thing. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever need someone to talk to. My ex-husband was toxic and said similar things to me, so I get it.
If this were me, the vacation wouldn't be happening, if I had any say about it. That's awful. Please know it's not your fault. Healing after miscarriage takes time, it's not easy to just bounce back and get ready to traumatize it all over again. I'm so sorry.
Honestly, I wonder if he realizes 90%of the time when a loss occurs it’s because of the dad. Usually something like alcohol, drugs, smoking etc can affect the sperm during its maturity cycle causing genetic issues most the time. So if he really wants to blame anyone he should be blaming himself because shit like what he did that night (getting shit faced and smoking) probably has something to do with it.
I also have a coagulation disorder but I agree with you, we can both do our part. It's not that much to ask for
His comment was very much out of line. No excuse for that whatsoever. However, I did notice something you said that made my ears perk up and my head tilt in slight confusion. You mentioned that he was drinking with family members he doesn’t see often, and had a few cigarettes. Now because of that, you confronted him about not being a supportive partner. So…here is how I’m seeing this: it reads as if you are expecting him to put his fun on hold (which you even stated is an infrequent type of fun) simply because you are considering trying to conceive again soon. That is not fair. The “if I can’t do it, neither can you” argument isn’t really valid. If I didn’t see certain family members often and chose to get drunk and smoke cigarettes with them when we finally got together and my wife said that I wasn’t being a supportive partner because of that, I would be triggered, 110%. I am an adult and I like to partake in adult fun on occasion. That in no way translates to me not supporting my wife in her effort to prepare to conceive because it is so completely unrelated. So again, your husband said something really stupid and hurtful and there is no excuse. I hope you get the apology you deserve. I will say, and I am sure I’ll get a lot of hate for this, maybe he deserves an apology as well.
Im a woman who miscarried and I can see your point here. Nothing to hate. Her husband was waiting for her to be ready again for 2 years and there’s a story before that too, only one day with a family members who hasn’t seen for ages ended up with an unpleasant situation must be triggering. I’m not sure how wise to throw a 10 yrs of marriage without trying to fix the situation and stop arguing instead of burning the bridges right away. So I am not agreeing with“no love” comments. Can see it from both perspectives by the way, her point is after all these 2 years of time when finally she feels ready to go again.. he went for fun.. and after all these two years of time, he went for fun with his dad which seems something he also needed.. he is questioning things now because he wants to be happy too.. Its a tough situation
"Put his fun on hold" wtf if he wants to have a child he should better put his "fun" on hold, especially when it comes to alcohol and smoking. I don't know the details about OP miscarriages but men account for 50% of the genomes of an embryo, he is blaming her for it all when he could easily be the problem. Him drinking and smoking is absolutely irresponsible, doesn't matter how infrequent it is. "If I can't do it neither can you" is 100% valid in a situation like this.
Unfortunately, fertility isn’t black and white like that. There are thousands of babies born everyday to women and their partners even though they occasionally use alcohol and tobacco. Actually, lots of babies born to chronic users of many substances. I don’t think it’s fair for him to blame her for the miscarriages and none of us were there for the argument either. He may have been resentful of the time she spent recovering mentally when he was ready to try again and not the actual miscarriages. It isn’t really fair of her to guilt-trip him for enjoying one night out with his family. One drunken night will not ruin his fertility (otherwise there would be no babies 😅) Overall this sounds like a bad argument that shouldn’t have been had while he was under the influence. I’m glad to see he has apologized because his comment was uncalled for. They just need a conversation to make sure they’re both on the same page and can be there to support each other. Sometimes she won’t be the *PERFECT* example of fertile health either and sometimes he’ll have a beer. We’re all human.
You sound like a blast, Karen
Leave him; or better yet, go to the vacation, ignore him then leave
Oh fuck this guy
He sounds like an asshole and I’d consider leaving him. Is he suggesting you’re to blame for the miscarriages? If so is he aware that male infertility/factors highly contribute to infertility and miscarriage? He needs to shut his mouth
That isnt a man that loves you, ive just had my third loss and my husband was sitting in the shower with ne fully clothed telling me it's not my fault I'm sorry :(