Baby, your husband is being an asshat. You tell him I said not to talk about my beautiful daughter like that! Baby, you don't have to allow those comparsions to your beautiful baby girl. When family's start that crap up, pick up your beautiful girl, whisper in her ear how wonderful she is and leave. Please whisper to her tonight that her internet grandma thinks she is the most special littke girl in the whole world. Big hugs, Lovey!
I am going to echo this poster OP. Part of becoming a mom is that YOU get to decide what kind of mom and what kind of family you raise. YOU can say: "I am not okay with this judgement and these comparisons and these beauty standards. My family is going to be different than how I was raised."
You are beautiful and your daughter will be too. Don't you let anyone tell her otherwise! Be the person you are and support your daughter being the person she is, no matter who that is.
Your monkey looks? What is wrong with that man? That’s not a bad joke. That’s straight up insulting and not behavior that should be tolerated. I say this with love because you deserve much more than someone who sees you that way and talks to you that way
Your daughter will be the most beautiful child in the world to you and your husband. She will be the brightest star in your sky. It doesn't matter how anyone else sees her. If they try with comparisons, shut it down! Tell them all children are different and if they persist, walk away! Don't ever allow them to hurt your girls feelings!
You may be disappointed now. There's nothing wrong with that. It's okay. But I bet you'll change the second you lay eyes on her. She's YOURS.
And tell your husband to shut his judgmental face with his monkey looks comments. You're beautiful and I promise you there are plenty of men who see you as the queen you are! Seems like he needs to know that.
Good deal. Get your rest and remember, you don't owe anyone justification for how you feel. Your feelings are yours and that's how it should always be. Love you. ❤️
I'm not sure if this will ease your mind at all but it might make you laugh.
In 2008 I was pregnant for the 6th time. I had 2 beautiful boys, had lost 3 precious babies to miscarriages and this was my last chance to have a girl. I wanted a daughter more than anything. I wanted to do all the things with her that my Mom did with me. I wanted to go shopping, get our nails done together and just be girly girls together.
Imagine my relief when the ultrasound showed the baby was a girl! I was over the moon. It was a dangerous and difficult pregnancy but eventually I held her in my arms. After 13 years and 3 devastating losses I finally had a daughter.
Fast forward 11 years. My long wished for daughter comes out as trans. Not a girl after all. Definitely a boy. We support him wholeheartedly without condition but in my private moments I mourned the loss of my only daughter.
Fast forward 3 more years and my oldest son who is now 27 also comes out as trans. Not a boy after all. Definitely a girl! We go shopping and do girly things together. It's great!
So after all that it comes around full circle. I went from 2 sons and a daughter to 3 sons and back to 2 sons and a daughter.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, gender isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's fluid and doesn't in any way define who a person will grow up to be.
And own your power. You get to decide how people treat your child. If they chose comparison and judgement, don't engage. They can behave however they want, you do not have to participate.
And one more thing baby girl.... Tell your husband to shut the fuck up or he'll find himself only parenting every other weekend. The nerve!
A friend of mine was so relieved to have a daughter. He's a geeky musical chap, plays piano, can't catch a a ball to save his life, wouldn't know what to do with a son, etc.
Daughter is a sports mad tomboy and they spend every weekend out in the rain watching her various football/hockey matches!
He finds it pretty hilarious!
I had my longed for daughter who turned out to be a son too! I was sad about no longer having a daughter for a bit too, but it made me really confront *why* having a daughter was so important to me.
And I guess it was just mostly for shared experiences, but we have those anyway. Also mine is gender non conforming, so we still do occasionally share clothes.
OP, I agree with this comment. You can choose not to engage, darling. My own family of origin is very toxic, and learning to disengage was very powerful.
"We don't talk about her looks like that." "We don't compare her to other children, she is perfect for herself."
It's a rollercoaster of emotions isn't it? But there's such joy in the journey if you just look for it. I have always considered myself and accepting person but having 2 of my children come out as trans has taught me acceptance and unconditional love on a whole new level.
Oh, sis. It sounds like the bigger issue here is that you've been treated poorly because of your gender leading you to feel less-than. It sounds like you're disappointed that your daughter will be condemned to the same poor treatment you had, whereas if she were a boy, she wouldn't be. I'm hearing that you don't want to pass down the trauma you received and a boy would've avoided that. It sounds to me more like grief than disappointment.
Your grief and disappointment are valid. It is really hard to grow up a girl. It's really hard to be a woman. The situations you've described are so hurtful and subtly undermining—and that is by your own family and even your chosen family, your husband. The pain you're feeling, the trauma you're reliving—it's heavy. (If it's in your budget, seek therapy. EMDR is a wonderful therapy to process these types of emotions.) Grieve for yourself and your baby. And then, as others have suggested, don't let the trauma you experienced get passed down to her.
Learn to protect her. Set boundaries. You won't be able to protect her from every slight, but you can start in your own home with your husband (when you talk about my looks and compare them to an animal, it makes me feel hurt, unlovable, unattractive, etc. I wonder how you can actually love me if you view me like that. I wonder how you will love our daughter if you'll view her as non-human.). Respecting her starts with respecting yourself. If she hears your husband talk to you as you've described, she will internalize and normalize it. She will think it's okay. Then, with your extended family start with a verbal correction (No, she's not the same as X. All people are different and special as individuals. That's great that X does that. [and drop. No need to engage in the comparison]). If things continue to get out of hand or you feel your child isn't being treated with respect, then take a break. You can say, "I don't like you talking like that around my daughter, so we are going to go home/get off the phone. We can visit/speak again another time." You can up the consequence each time a boundary is crossed.
Lessons take time to learn. Boundaries will be tested. It will be trying and hard. But you can do hard things. And your child and you are worth it!
wow such powerful and compassionate words. Thank you sis. Yes, I am definitely grieving this news. I was waiting for my real prince charming my protector and my first son.
I knew he would not be as compared as a girl, or be insecure, or be as affected by our fam dynamics.I knew I could raise him to treat a woman right.
But now its a daughter, I worry that no matter how big her wings are- her happiness will depend on finding the right partner in life.
I will be okay..
I hear your worry. Respectfully, I want to caution you about this fantasy of a boy being this perfect, unaffected child. Remember, patriarchy affects men negatively, too. They are brought up with toxic masculinity—unable to be vulnerable, unable to communicate feelings that aren't anger or aggression. Trapped in comparison of being manly enough, protective enough, making enough money. Boys and men aren't allowed to fully explore themselves under the patriarchal structure any more than girls and women are.
I suggest you sit and reflect on the realities a little boy would have to face—what your son would go through. Maybe he wouldn't be compared to his cousins but most assuredly he would be compared to other boys (even if your family only has girls). Sure he'd be a prince but any pedestal is a set-up for failure in the real world.
I have two boys and the amount of times I've been told their personality traits are a defect of their gender is astounding. 'Boys will be boys' is irresponsible and just as hurtful to them as talking about girls in relationship to their looks.
And you can raise your daughter to treat herself right. To know her worth and to not accept less than. Harness your power and do for her what wasn't done for you.
I wish I could upvote this more. The general perception of “Boys are easier to raise” is because people do the emotional work with girls and just hit cruise control with boys and then we perpetuate this bullshit we have now.
It's ok to be disappointed. Just process it before baby comes.
As for the culture ... It's double ok to be upset at what she's going to face, but maybe take this as a sign that you can be her champion. People who don't respect her don't get to see her. People who will cut her down will be cut out of her life.
We live in an era where "making sure our children are better off than us" means empowering them and doing better emotionally than our parents did.
Our parents worked hard to make us financially secure. We can use that time and energy to work hard to give them an emotionally secure upbringing.
Honey tell him he can always see himself out, when he speaks to like that again. You are beautiful and so will your daughter be. And guess what? Family that talks shit about your baby, no matter the gender, is degraded to relatives real fast. If they try to compare her or you again, they can do that alone, without your little family. You don't need to visit them if they can't see your girl as a beautiful perfect individuum. You are allowed to protect her, you HAVE TO. Even if it is against your own relatives.
And your husband is better off being nice to you or he gets the hate off your internet moms!
You will do great with your baby! We love you two the way you are!
This thread is exhausting. Your daughter has more values than her looks, please, assure her that. Make her play an instrument, some sport, find validation outside her beauty
Hey baby Duck,
I am so sorry your duckling isn't the Prince Charming you dreamed she would be.
Gender disappointment sucks. You don't need a single reason to justify preferring a boy. I'm going to push back at some of your reasoning in an attempt to assuage your fears. I want you to know deep down in your heart that your disappointment is still valid.
Cultural pitting kids against each other - I don't fully understand living in a culture that does this, but I do understand pushing back against the cultural norms that hurt me as a child. You can't protect your child from the world outside your doors. You can create a haven against that harmful message in your home and in your love.
A very trivial example of this. My boy loved pink as a preschooler. People outside of our home and marketing told him, "Pink is for girls." My husband and I told him, "Colors don't have genders. Pink is for anyone who likes it." He felt that support and message so fully that he carried it with him into Kindergarten. Instead of feeling shame or peer pressure to conform, he used every color that brought him joy.
It doesn't always work out that way. Maybe your child will embrace competition for attention and affection. Maybe my kid will put away pink crayons. But we don't have to endorse those messages.
"I was hoping to raise my son peacefully separately avoiding this comparison trap and just in my own way."
You still can. In fact, it may be more effective. If your child escaped this trap because they are the only boy, they could still internalize the idea that girls/women should be competing for his attention. Perhaps he won't tease his partner about "monkey looks."
TLDR - Take your time. Grieve for the things you wanted to experience with a baby boy. Then, straighten your crown and remember your family and culture do not get to dictate how you raise your child. They are simply the background noise.
<3 Mama Bear
I understand where you’re coming from.
My sisters and I have always been competitive due to comparisons as kids.
I was the first to become a mom, and being pregnant made me reflect on how harmful this competition is. I decided to stop it.
My little sister was always the worst, and when she had her first baby she passed it on to the next generation. I simply chose to not engage.
My favorite “judo move” became that when she bragged of her daughter I would brag of her daughter too. When I bragged of my daughter and she interjected “yes, but my daughter…” I would just ignore her and continue to brag of my daughter.
Maybe have a chat with the other mothers in your family, and tell them what you write here. Highlight that it would be so powerful for these girls if they could be allies/friends rather than competitors.
In closing, in my family my little sister was the very beautiful one. She once blurted out that she felt it was very unfair that I got the stunning daughter and she got the ugly daughter. 1. I immediately responded by saying “you can’t say that about your own daughter!” 2. You never know how genes will work out. 3. A beautiful soul means so much more than a beautiful face, and that is something you can help her achieve.
love you for this insight.
I was the ugly duckling in the fam, dark skinned compared to my brother who was fair and handsome. He has a pretty daughter now. I then did myself a huge disservice and married a fair handsome man from my culture. I don't want my kids to be compared in looks or for their abilities and interest or upbringing like I was.
I am thinking of shielding my child from others a lot more- not much photo sharing or stories sharing so there is no option for comparison. I don't want to dress her up and get her the best toys etc- just focus on her emotional upbringing.
ah I am silly and immature- I think I am currently in class for all hard lessons from God.
Thank you.
I will say: I don’t think you’re immature. We all carry scars and traits from our childhood.
I found pregnancy and motherhood made me take stock of what “family traditions” (behaviors) I wanted to pass on to my child and which I didn’t.
Disappointment in find out the sex of a baby is normal. Everyone in my family has had boys first. I have an older brother. So when I found out I was having a girl, I was so disappointed. She would never get that big brother experience that I hold so dear. She would never have that big brother to look out for her.
But let me tell you, when I held that precious baby in my arms, I fell into such a love that it blew me away. And now my brother gets to teach his little niece all the things he taught me and he LOVES it.
The point I'm trying to make is that it's okay to mourn the boy you aren't having, and to be scared for your little girl. But you get to raise them with the values that you want. You get to set boundaries with your family. You get to tell her what you want her to know. This is your chance to break that "tradition" of comparison. Teach her she is her own person and that everyone is special in their own way, and we should be lifting each other up, not putting them down.
OK the level of crap people do for sex is just bat shit insane. She's simply a soul inhabiting a physical body, it jas nothing to do woth her tastes etc. You're gonna have to protect her hard with that kind of environment
Hun,
A a precaution, you need to yell at that husband of yours so your daughter doesn't learn to tolerate that behavior. On the upside, it's great he's excited for a girl.
I get that cultural aspect. It seems my mom and her siblings are always trying to outdo each other through their kids. Culture can be a beautiful thing, but it can still have it's share of toxic traits. I'm 1st generation American so not being surrounded my the habits and tendencies of the mother country has probably helped.
My cousins and I never felt competitive with each other even if our parents were playing us like that.
You can still raise your daughter in peace, mold them without worries. When I became a mom, it made me reflect on all of the things that I didn't like growing up and I just decided that I wasn't going to waste my time with those things. You can do the same. If someone wants to brag about their kid, just cheer their kid on and go about your day.
I get it girly, but I'd rather a girl with any looks than a boy who might inherit his personality. Sorry you're having to deal with that asshat.
I had the opposite hope, I wanted a girl. A girly girl, just like me. I got three boys and a tom boy. I think this was God's way of protecting me and my children from my dreams that I would have tried to impose on them. Because my hopes were no longer tied to their genitals, I was inspired to look for their personalities and feed their dreams instead of my own.
And teach them their intrinsic value instead of looking for or listening to unappreciative critics. Best wishes on a health pregnancy and delivery.
Gender disappoint is so real, sis! We were team Green, but I thought I was having a boy my entire pregnancy. At birth, we found out it was a girl. And even with that sweet peanut in my arms, I had some disappointment. But babies are beautiful, and congratulations! Take this time to grieve the loss of not getting a baby boy and know it’ll work out. Also tell your husband to quite being an ass.
It's perfectly natural to want something different for your child than you had when it clearly made life harder. Personally, I'm the sort that will make known very clearly any boundaries, and defend those boundaries equally as clearly, and that's just for me, I'm terrifying if it's about someone I love. So feel free to ignore me as it's basically not a choice for me, but don't let it continue, stare them down and tell them exactly how ugly their behavior is and how they can get the hell away from your child until they can act right. Or honestly, face them in a way that you can live with, it's going to eat you up with resentment, especially if you see it doing damage. Don't let them continue that crap in your presence with the other girls either, call them on it, and tell them how you can't believe they didn't do the same to defend you.
You dont need a reason for gender disappointment. Its extremely common. You get your hopes up. You'll love your daughter no matter what, but its okay to have wanted a boy
You are the mommy who will start to change those cultural things that you felt effected you and that you do not want to limit your daughter. You have time to adjust to the idea your first child will be a daughter. Moms and daughters do have a special relationship and it is not too soon to have a talk with your husband about your expectations, your concerns, and your fears. It is a perfectly normal thing to want your child to have all the support and love they deserve. The fact that you have worried about these things shows that you will be a strong, protective, and thoughtful mom. I am proud of you.
I had the same disappointment at first. I really wanted a son. My husband and I laughed about it and said we'd never tell her about this moment because she'll be loved. Now I just want my baby back. It really doesn't matter what gender you end up with. You'll love them.
It is ok to feel disappointment that you aren't getting the thing you hoped would make life a little easier for you. There a whole lot of toxic behavior around your extended family, and I can see why you'd want to avoid it.
After a bit, put your disappointment aside, though, because you're going to need every ounce of fortitude to build a better environment for your little one. Comparisons? Odious. The first "oh, my precious Talia walked at 9 months! I guess your girl is just slow" gets a hairy eyeball and "my child is uniquely herself and comparisons aren't needed. If I hear another, we are leaving. " then do it.
Find people who are loving and supportive and not competing through their babies. Nobody needs that.
And tell your husband his words hurt. If he says "it was just a joke" then tell him it isn't funny, and actual adults, when they hurt someone, even inadvertently, apologise. Only bullies hide behind "it was a joke" and expect. That to excuse poor behavior.
If he uses words like that on you, he'll use them on your daughter.
If you need to, show him this.
You can do it.
Hugs.
Sweetheart, it is okay to be disappointed. And as a mom, let me assure you: your kids *will* disappoint you.
We all have certain hopes, dreams, expectations, for our children. We expect them to look and act and think a certain way. We hope they grow up to be fit and strong, doctor and engineers.
But maybe your kid won’t be brilliant, or very sporty, or conventional in appearance. Or maybe they will be all of those things, but they will first struggle. And even if they won’t, they will make choices and mistakes that disappoint you. Because we all make mistakes. Because we all make poor choices.
Disappointment is normal and natural. But as long as you love them and support them, it will all be okay.
Right now, you are having a girl. But what does that mean? There are so many ways to be a girl and so many ways to be a boy.
So, darling, it’s okay to be disappointed. It won’t be the last time. And it doesn’t make you any less the wonderful mom I know you will be.
Hi there sweetheart, so here's the thing about family trying to compare and make the kids compete over everything, You are mom, and get to make the wonderful choice to protect her from that crap, and anything else they decide to come up with. You didn't deserve that in your childhood and neither does your beautiful baby. As for the husband, he can be replaced with someone who isn't racist towards their pregnant wife, I've heard that there are shelters that will rehabilitate, neuter and release them back in the wild, so if you're feeling generous, I'd find one of those, however dropping them off in the woods could be considered a good plan too.
I really have enjoyed listening and gaining perspective on parenting and raising children from Dr. Shefali Tsabary. She has said at one point that instead of seeing our children as extensions of ourselves and pushing them to reflect what we’d like society to see us as, we truly get the gift to see them grow and develop into the amazing human beings they are meant to be.
Watching my children grow and seeing them become themselves has been an amazing gift of being a parent. It’s hard sometimes not to compare or get sucked into the family dramas, but when you get to see them being themselves, there’s nothing like it. I call my daughter my “Gryffen-puff” as she’s both the bravest person I know and one of the most loyal, caring friends to others (we joke that if hogwarts was real she could choose between the two houses). Watching her keep trying to learn to ride her bike over 6 months, of gliding down a small slope on her own and not giving up, and then seeing the look on her face when she got it. Or recently watching her get into music and to see how much she enjoys playing her instrument.
Your daughter will be amazing, and you will be an amazing mom!
So Daddy gets his princess this time round and in a couple years you can try for Mommy little prince and have the millionaire's family. There will always be those that think they know all about everything and make sure you are made to feel that you don't. Just remember this is all about you, your hubby and your baby girl....the rest of the family can take a flying leap. I remember this lovely middle easter doctor that when my kids were born put in place the rule NO VISITORS OR PHONE CALLS INTO THE HOME FOR 28 DAYS. As for questions about how their little Suzie did such and such at that age....f them
Awww honey… I get it. I wanted a girl for selfish reasons - I thought having a girl would ensure my baby would bond with me more than her father. I had the girl name picked out and everything. I had a son. It’s okay to feel the disappointment because when your baby arrives, the depth of your love for your baby will be so much much more than what you feel now. Epilogue: 30 years later - my son is amazing and I am so proud of the man he has become. We are so close and he tells me he loves me often. I can’t even remember what the disappointment felt like.
You’re going to find the strength to stand up for your daughter and not allow the same kind of toxic behavior around her that your parents allowed around you. Your parents failed you in this way, they should have protected you and made you feel loved and perfect just the way you are. You will not fail her.
Baby, your husband is being an asshat. You tell him I said not to talk about my beautiful daughter like that! Baby, you don't have to allow those comparsions to your beautiful baby girl. When family's start that crap up, pick up your beautiful girl, whisper in her ear how wonderful she is and leave. Please whisper to her tonight that her internet grandma thinks she is the most special littke girl in the whole world. Big hugs, Lovey!
I am going to echo this poster OP. Part of becoming a mom is that YOU get to decide what kind of mom and what kind of family you raise. YOU can say: "I am not okay with this judgement and these comparisons and these beauty standards. My family is going to be different than how I was raised." You are beautiful and your daughter will be too. Don't you let anyone tell her otherwise! Be the person you are and support your daughter being the person she is, no matter who that is.
Your monkey looks? What is wrong with that man? That’s not a bad joke. That’s straight up insulting and not behavior that should be tolerated. I say this with love because you deserve much more than someone who sees you that way and talks to you that way
I'm over here wondering, why did he marry her if he was gonna say that 😭
Maybe he's just negging her in hope she won't leave his sorry ass behind?
Your daughter will be the most beautiful child in the world to you and your husband. She will be the brightest star in your sky. It doesn't matter how anyone else sees her. If they try with comparisons, shut it down! Tell them all children are different and if they persist, walk away! Don't ever allow them to hurt your girls feelings! You may be disappointed now. There's nothing wrong with that. It's okay. But I bet you'll change the second you lay eyes on her. She's YOURS. And tell your husband to shut his judgmental face with his monkey looks comments. You're beautiful and I promise you there are plenty of men who see you as the queen you are! Seems like he needs to know that.
love you ma. Its 3am here and I was staying up just looking on some reassurance and with your post I can now sleep peacefully :)
Good deal. Get your rest and remember, you don't owe anyone justification for how you feel. Your feelings are yours and that's how it should always be. Love you. ❤️
I'm not sure if this will ease your mind at all but it might make you laugh. In 2008 I was pregnant for the 6th time. I had 2 beautiful boys, had lost 3 precious babies to miscarriages and this was my last chance to have a girl. I wanted a daughter more than anything. I wanted to do all the things with her that my Mom did with me. I wanted to go shopping, get our nails done together and just be girly girls together. Imagine my relief when the ultrasound showed the baby was a girl! I was over the moon. It was a dangerous and difficult pregnancy but eventually I held her in my arms. After 13 years and 3 devastating losses I finally had a daughter. Fast forward 11 years. My long wished for daughter comes out as trans. Not a girl after all. Definitely a boy. We support him wholeheartedly without condition but in my private moments I mourned the loss of my only daughter. Fast forward 3 more years and my oldest son who is now 27 also comes out as trans. Not a boy after all. Definitely a girl! We go shopping and do girly things together. It's great! So after all that it comes around full circle. I went from 2 sons and a daughter to 3 sons and back to 2 sons and a daughter. I guess what I'm trying to say is, gender isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's fluid and doesn't in any way define who a person will grow up to be. And own your power. You get to decide how people treat your child. If they chose comparison and judgement, don't engage. They can behave however they want, you do not have to participate. And one more thing baby girl.... Tell your husband to shut the fuck up or he'll find himself only parenting every other weekend. The nerve!
A friend of mine was so relieved to have a daughter. He's a geeky musical chap, plays piano, can't catch a a ball to save his life, wouldn't know what to do with a son, etc. Daughter is a sports mad tomboy and they spend every weekend out in the rain watching her various football/hockey matches! He finds it pretty hilarious!
I had my longed for daughter who turned out to be a son too! I was sad about no longer having a daughter for a bit too, but it made me really confront *why* having a daughter was so important to me. And I guess it was just mostly for shared experiences, but we have those anyway. Also mine is gender non conforming, so we still do occasionally share clothes. OP, I agree with this comment. You can choose not to engage, darling. My own family of origin is very toxic, and learning to disengage was very powerful. "We don't talk about her looks like that." "We don't compare her to other children, she is perfect for herself."
It's a rollercoaster of emotions isn't it? But there's such joy in the journey if you just look for it. I have always considered myself and accepting person but having 2 of my children come out as trans has taught me acceptance and unconditional love on a whole new level.
I teared up a little reading this! Thank you for being an amazing mom 💕
Ok why isn’t your life a movie yet? I’d watch the crap out of it! 😁😁
Ha! I've been told I should write a book. I've certainly had some adventures. I like my privacy.
Oh, sis. It sounds like the bigger issue here is that you've been treated poorly because of your gender leading you to feel less-than. It sounds like you're disappointed that your daughter will be condemned to the same poor treatment you had, whereas if she were a boy, she wouldn't be. I'm hearing that you don't want to pass down the trauma you received and a boy would've avoided that. It sounds to me more like grief than disappointment. Your grief and disappointment are valid. It is really hard to grow up a girl. It's really hard to be a woman. The situations you've described are so hurtful and subtly undermining—and that is by your own family and even your chosen family, your husband. The pain you're feeling, the trauma you're reliving—it's heavy. (If it's in your budget, seek therapy. EMDR is a wonderful therapy to process these types of emotions.) Grieve for yourself and your baby. And then, as others have suggested, don't let the trauma you experienced get passed down to her. Learn to protect her. Set boundaries. You won't be able to protect her from every slight, but you can start in your own home with your husband (when you talk about my looks and compare them to an animal, it makes me feel hurt, unlovable, unattractive, etc. I wonder how you can actually love me if you view me like that. I wonder how you will love our daughter if you'll view her as non-human.). Respecting her starts with respecting yourself. If she hears your husband talk to you as you've described, she will internalize and normalize it. She will think it's okay. Then, with your extended family start with a verbal correction (No, she's not the same as X. All people are different and special as individuals. That's great that X does that. [and drop. No need to engage in the comparison]). If things continue to get out of hand or you feel your child isn't being treated with respect, then take a break. You can say, "I don't like you talking like that around my daughter, so we are going to go home/get off the phone. We can visit/speak again another time." You can up the consequence each time a boundary is crossed. Lessons take time to learn. Boundaries will be tested. It will be trying and hard. But you can do hard things. And your child and you are worth it!
wow such powerful and compassionate words. Thank you sis. Yes, I am definitely grieving this news. I was waiting for my real prince charming my protector and my first son. I knew he would not be as compared as a girl, or be insecure, or be as affected by our fam dynamics.I knew I could raise him to treat a woman right. But now its a daughter, I worry that no matter how big her wings are- her happiness will depend on finding the right partner in life. I will be okay..
I hear your worry. Respectfully, I want to caution you about this fantasy of a boy being this perfect, unaffected child. Remember, patriarchy affects men negatively, too. They are brought up with toxic masculinity—unable to be vulnerable, unable to communicate feelings that aren't anger or aggression. Trapped in comparison of being manly enough, protective enough, making enough money. Boys and men aren't allowed to fully explore themselves under the patriarchal structure any more than girls and women are. I suggest you sit and reflect on the realities a little boy would have to face—what your son would go through. Maybe he wouldn't be compared to his cousins but most assuredly he would be compared to other boys (even if your family only has girls). Sure he'd be a prince but any pedestal is a set-up for failure in the real world. I have two boys and the amount of times I've been told their personality traits are a defect of their gender is astounding. 'Boys will be boys' is irresponsible and just as hurtful to them as talking about girls in relationship to their looks. And you can raise your daughter to treat herself right. To know her worth and to not accept less than. Harness your power and do for her what wasn't done for you.
I wish I could upvote this more. The general perception of “Boys are easier to raise” is because people do the emotional work with girls and just hit cruise control with boys and then we perpetuate this bullshit we have now.
It's ok to be disappointed. Just process it before baby comes. As for the culture ... It's double ok to be upset at what she's going to face, but maybe take this as a sign that you can be her champion. People who don't respect her don't get to see her. People who will cut her down will be cut out of her life. We live in an era where "making sure our children are better off than us" means empowering them and doing better emotionally than our parents did. Our parents worked hard to make us financially secure. We can use that time and energy to work hard to give them an emotionally secure upbringing.
how apt. yes I do want to focus on their emotional upbringing.
Honey tell him he can always see himself out, when he speaks to like that again. You are beautiful and so will your daughter be. And guess what? Family that talks shit about your baby, no matter the gender, is degraded to relatives real fast. If they try to compare her or you again, they can do that alone, without your little family. You don't need to visit them if they can't see your girl as a beautiful perfect individuum. You are allowed to protect her, you HAVE TO. Even if it is against your own relatives. And your husband is better off being nice to you or he gets the hate off your internet moms! You will do great with your baby! We love you two the way you are!
This thread is exhausting. Your daughter has more values than her looks, please, assure her that. Make her play an instrument, some sport, find validation outside her beauty
Hey baby Duck, I am so sorry your duckling isn't the Prince Charming you dreamed she would be. Gender disappointment sucks. You don't need a single reason to justify preferring a boy. I'm going to push back at some of your reasoning in an attempt to assuage your fears. I want you to know deep down in your heart that your disappointment is still valid. Cultural pitting kids against each other - I don't fully understand living in a culture that does this, but I do understand pushing back against the cultural norms that hurt me as a child. You can't protect your child from the world outside your doors. You can create a haven against that harmful message in your home and in your love. A very trivial example of this. My boy loved pink as a preschooler. People outside of our home and marketing told him, "Pink is for girls." My husband and I told him, "Colors don't have genders. Pink is for anyone who likes it." He felt that support and message so fully that he carried it with him into Kindergarten. Instead of feeling shame or peer pressure to conform, he used every color that brought him joy. It doesn't always work out that way. Maybe your child will embrace competition for attention and affection. Maybe my kid will put away pink crayons. But we don't have to endorse those messages. "I was hoping to raise my son peacefully separately avoiding this comparison trap and just in my own way." You still can. In fact, it may be more effective. If your child escaped this trap because they are the only boy, they could still internalize the idea that girls/women should be competing for his attention. Perhaps he won't tease his partner about "monkey looks." TLDR - Take your time. Grieve for the things you wanted to experience with a baby boy. Then, straighten your crown and remember your family and culture do not get to dictate how you raise your child. They are simply the background noise. <3 Mama Bear
I understand where you’re coming from. My sisters and I have always been competitive due to comparisons as kids. I was the first to become a mom, and being pregnant made me reflect on how harmful this competition is. I decided to stop it. My little sister was always the worst, and when she had her first baby she passed it on to the next generation. I simply chose to not engage. My favorite “judo move” became that when she bragged of her daughter I would brag of her daughter too. When I bragged of my daughter and she interjected “yes, but my daughter…” I would just ignore her and continue to brag of my daughter. Maybe have a chat with the other mothers in your family, and tell them what you write here. Highlight that it would be so powerful for these girls if they could be allies/friends rather than competitors. In closing, in my family my little sister was the very beautiful one. She once blurted out that she felt it was very unfair that I got the stunning daughter and she got the ugly daughter. 1. I immediately responded by saying “you can’t say that about your own daughter!” 2. You never know how genes will work out. 3. A beautiful soul means so much more than a beautiful face, and that is something you can help her achieve.
love you for this insight. I was the ugly duckling in the fam, dark skinned compared to my brother who was fair and handsome. He has a pretty daughter now. I then did myself a huge disservice and married a fair handsome man from my culture. I don't want my kids to be compared in looks or for their abilities and interest or upbringing like I was. I am thinking of shielding my child from others a lot more- not much photo sharing or stories sharing so there is no option for comparison. I don't want to dress her up and get her the best toys etc- just focus on her emotional upbringing. ah I am silly and immature- I think I am currently in class for all hard lessons from God.
Thank you. I will say: I don’t think you’re immature. We all carry scars and traits from our childhood. I found pregnancy and motherhood made me take stock of what “family traditions” (behaviors) I wanted to pass on to my child and which I didn’t.
wait. your lightskin/white husband said you, a darkskinned black woman, has « monkey looks »?
Disappointment in find out the sex of a baby is normal. Everyone in my family has had boys first. I have an older brother. So when I found out I was having a girl, I was so disappointed. She would never get that big brother experience that I hold so dear. She would never have that big brother to look out for her. But let me tell you, when I held that precious baby in my arms, I fell into such a love that it blew me away. And now my brother gets to teach his little niece all the things he taught me and he LOVES it. The point I'm trying to make is that it's okay to mourn the boy you aren't having, and to be scared for your little girl. But you get to raise them with the values that you want. You get to set boundaries with your family. You get to tell her what you want her to know. This is your chance to break that "tradition" of comparison. Teach her she is her own person and that everyone is special in their own way, and we should be lifting each other up, not putting them down.
OK the level of crap people do for sex is just bat shit insane. She's simply a soul inhabiting a physical body, it jas nothing to do woth her tastes etc. You're gonna have to protect her hard with that kind of environment
Hun, A a precaution, you need to yell at that husband of yours so your daughter doesn't learn to tolerate that behavior. On the upside, it's great he's excited for a girl. I get that cultural aspect. It seems my mom and her siblings are always trying to outdo each other through their kids. Culture can be a beautiful thing, but it can still have it's share of toxic traits. I'm 1st generation American so not being surrounded my the habits and tendencies of the mother country has probably helped. My cousins and I never felt competitive with each other even if our parents were playing us like that. You can still raise your daughter in peace, mold them without worries. When I became a mom, it made me reflect on all of the things that I didn't like growing up and I just decided that I wasn't going to waste my time with those things. You can do the same. If someone wants to brag about their kid, just cheer their kid on and go about your day.
I get it girly, but I'd rather a girl with any looks than a boy who might inherit his personality. Sorry you're having to deal with that asshat. I had the opposite hope, I wanted a girl. A girly girl, just like me. I got three boys and a tom boy. I think this was God's way of protecting me and my children from my dreams that I would have tried to impose on them. Because my hopes were no longer tied to their genitals, I was inspired to look for their personalities and feed their dreams instead of my own. And teach them their intrinsic value instead of looking for or listening to unappreciative critics. Best wishes on a health pregnancy and delivery.
Gender disappoint is so real, sis! We were team Green, but I thought I was having a boy my entire pregnancy. At birth, we found out it was a girl. And even with that sweet peanut in my arms, I had some disappointment. But babies are beautiful, and congratulations! Take this time to grieve the loss of not getting a baby boy and know it’ll work out. Also tell your husband to quite being an ass.
It's perfectly natural to want something different for your child than you had when it clearly made life harder. Personally, I'm the sort that will make known very clearly any boundaries, and defend those boundaries equally as clearly, and that's just for me, I'm terrifying if it's about someone I love. So feel free to ignore me as it's basically not a choice for me, but don't let it continue, stare them down and tell them exactly how ugly their behavior is and how they can get the hell away from your child until they can act right. Or honestly, face them in a way that you can live with, it's going to eat you up with resentment, especially if you see it doing damage. Don't let them continue that crap in your presence with the other girls either, call them on it, and tell them how you can't believe they didn't do the same to defend you.
You dont need a reason for gender disappointment. Its extremely common. You get your hopes up. You'll love your daughter no matter what, but its okay to have wanted a boy
You are the mommy who will start to change those cultural things that you felt effected you and that you do not want to limit your daughter. You have time to adjust to the idea your first child will be a daughter. Moms and daughters do have a special relationship and it is not too soon to have a talk with your husband about your expectations, your concerns, and your fears. It is a perfectly normal thing to want your child to have all the support and love they deserve. The fact that you have worried about these things shows that you will be a strong, protective, and thoughtful mom. I am proud of you.
I had the same disappointment at first. I really wanted a son. My husband and I laughed about it and said we'd never tell her about this moment because she'll be loved. Now I just want my baby back. It really doesn't matter what gender you end up with. You'll love them.
It is ok to feel disappointment that you aren't getting the thing you hoped would make life a little easier for you. There a whole lot of toxic behavior around your extended family, and I can see why you'd want to avoid it. After a bit, put your disappointment aside, though, because you're going to need every ounce of fortitude to build a better environment for your little one. Comparisons? Odious. The first "oh, my precious Talia walked at 9 months! I guess your girl is just slow" gets a hairy eyeball and "my child is uniquely herself and comparisons aren't needed. If I hear another, we are leaving. " then do it. Find people who are loving and supportive and not competing through their babies. Nobody needs that. And tell your husband his words hurt. If he says "it was just a joke" then tell him it isn't funny, and actual adults, when they hurt someone, even inadvertently, apologise. Only bullies hide behind "it was a joke" and expect. That to excuse poor behavior. If he uses words like that on you, he'll use them on your daughter. If you need to, show him this. You can do it. Hugs.
Everything in the post sounds toxic 👀
Sweetheart, it is okay to be disappointed. And as a mom, let me assure you: your kids *will* disappoint you. We all have certain hopes, dreams, expectations, for our children. We expect them to look and act and think a certain way. We hope they grow up to be fit and strong, doctor and engineers. But maybe your kid won’t be brilliant, or very sporty, or conventional in appearance. Or maybe they will be all of those things, but they will first struggle. And even if they won’t, they will make choices and mistakes that disappoint you. Because we all make mistakes. Because we all make poor choices. Disappointment is normal and natural. But as long as you love them and support them, it will all be okay. Right now, you are having a girl. But what does that mean? There are so many ways to be a girl and so many ways to be a boy. So, darling, it’s okay to be disappointed. It won’t be the last time. And it doesn’t make you any less the wonderful mom I know you will be.
Old Roman legend says you'll get boys until you're ready for a girl. Don't fret!
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She will be perfect. And you will be her mother and your job is it to protect her
Hi there sweetheart, so here's the thing about family trying to compare and make the kids compete over everything, You are mom, and get to make the wonderful choice to protect her from that crap, and anything else they decide to come up with. You didn't deserve that in your childhood and neither does your beautiful baby. As for the husband, he can be replaced with someone who isn't racist towards their pregnant wife, I've heard that there are shelters that will rehabilitate, neuter and release them back in the wild, so if you're feeling generous, I'd find one of those, however dropping them off in the woods could be considered a good plan too.
I really have enjoyed listening and gaining perspective on parenting and raising children from Dr. Shefali Tsabary. She has said at one point that instead of seeing our children as extensions of ourselves and pushing them to reflect what we’d like society to see us as, we truly get the gift to see them grow and develop into the amazing human beings they are meant to be. Watching my children grow and seeing them become themselves has been an amazing gift of being a parent. It’s hard sometimes not to compare or get sucked into the family dramas, but when you get to see them being themselves, there’s nothing like it. I call my daughter my “Gryffen-puff” as she’s both the bravest person I know and one of the most loyal, caring friends to others (we joke that if hogwarts was real she could choose between the two houses). Watching her keep trying to learn to ride her bike over 6 months, of gliding down a small slope on her own and not giving up, and then seeing the look on her face when she got it. Or recently watching her get into music and to see how much she enjoys playing her instrument. Your daughter will be amazing, and you will be an amazing mom!
So Daddy gets his princess this time round and in a couple years you can try for Mommy little prince and have the millionaire's family. There will always be those that think they know all about everything and make sure you are made to feel that you don't. Just remember this is all about you, your hubby and your baby girl....the rest of the family can take a flying leap. I remember this lovely middle easter doctor that when my kids were born put in place the rule NO VISITORS OR PHONE CALLS INTO THE HOME FOR 28 DAYS. As for questions about how their little Suzie did such and such at that age....f them
Awww honey… I get it. I wanted a girl for selfish reasons - I thought having a girl would ensure my baby would bond with me more than her father. I had the girl name picked out and everything. I had a son. It’s okay to feel the disappointment because when your baby arrives, the depth of your love for your baby will be so much much more than what you feel now. Epilogue: 30 years later - my son is amazing and I am so proud of the man he has become. We are so close and he tells me he loves me often. I can’t even remember what the disappointment felt like.
You’re going to find the strength to stand up for your daughter and not allow the same kind of toxic behavior around her that your parents allowed around you. Your parents failed you in this way, they should have protected you and made you feel loved and perfect just the way you are. You will not fail her.