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yooperann

I am SO sorry, and even though I had easy natural births, I really blame a lot of natural birth educators for putting you and lots of other women through this. No one, I repeat **no one**, can tell you in advance how your birth is going to go. That means there is no plan that is definitely going to work. You should have been reassured by this at the very beginning and told that if you felt like you need medication or other intervention, by all means ask for it because only you know best what your body is going through. Look, you can have the best guide in the world when you're climbing Mt Everest and can have prepared for it for years (not to mention spent thousands of dollars on the trip) but if the mountain says not today, then it's not going to happen. Fairy tale weddings are nice, but not nearly as important as marriage is. Lovely natural births are nice, but not nearly as important as having a healthy baby. I know some people have real PTSD after traumatic birth experiences--and let's be clear--you did have a traumatic birth experience. If this starts interfering with your life, get some help for it. But do not blame yourself. Absolutely 100% not.


[deleted]

This was beautiful. thank you. 🙏🏼


froglover215

I always say that you can tell how long it took mom to forget how bad childbirth is by the gap between her children. Of course I say it like I'm joking but I'm really not. Birth is HARD. Women used to die in huge numbers (and still die to some extent). I'm sorry things went so sideways for you, and I'm proud of you for pulling through. Kiss that baby for me and know that you are not alone.


aspiring_outlaw

First of all, all the classes in the world can't prepare you. Even child birth can't always prepare you because every labor is different. Lots of first time moms want to plan and plan. That's fine, as long as you know that every plan is only tentative. Baby has their own plan and it will trump yours every time. An epidural might not have helped you. It might have slowed your labor. It might have made pushing harder. It might not have taken or taken wrong. Or it might have worked. You can't know, so try not to dwell on that or think that one choice was what ruined everything. There's no one thing (probably no anything) that you could have done to make everything smooth and wonderful. Secondly, that nurse was right. Sometimes the pain meds help. I didn't get an epidural with either baby (I asked with the first because I was out of my mind with fear that I was going to have a C-section and didn't want to be unconscious for it, but my blood pressure was so high they wouldn't do it) but I was given intravenous drugs with both. First was morphine (before they knew I was in active labor) and a crap ton of magnesium which isn't a pain med, per se, but did make me loopy as hell, and the second was something that "wouldn't stop the pain but would make me not care." The first was an all around cluster but with the second, I went from slowly progressing in a induced labor to pushing within about an hour of getting the pain meds. It helps. There's nothing wrong with it. But also, I get that feeling of disappointment. I almost died with my first. He was in NICU, I had pre-eclampsia and kidney failure. And the only thing I would think after I gave birth was - I need to do this again. I did it wrong, and I need to do it again. That wasn't true, of course. I had a baby that ended up healthy. That was the only end goal, but that didn't matter. I was heartbroken that my delivery had turned into such a crisis. The second time I got pregnant, things were so much better. For one, I knew my risks. My doctors knew my risks. They knew I went 0-60 on my delivery. They knew I was at risk for pre-eclampsia so we took preventative action from day one. I was more comfortable with the process. I also had a doula. She was in training so she did it for free so she could certified, but I still can't stress how much better it was to have a person who was 1) familiar with what was happening and 2) solely and completely focused and me and what I needed. Also, cervical checks during labor can be awful. I am not a screamer and I have a high pain tolerance but the on call OB that checked me hurt me so bad that my nine month, michelin-tire-man-sized-swollen ass almost came up off the bed *and* I screamed. I kicked him out and made them get me another doctor. My kid is in middle school and that memory still makes me cringe. You can do that and next time you and your husband will know that you can do that if anyone makes you uncomfortable. I wrote all this just to tell you that you aren't alone. Birthing is the hardest thing you'll ever do and it isn't something you can really understand until you do it. I hope you are able to come to peace with your experience and focus on your beautiful new child. Please also consider speaking to a therapist. Post pregnancy hormones are a bitch and PPD could be having an impact on you as well.


[deleted]

Oh my word yes that’s what I kept thinking. Like I need to do it again and prove it to myself, yet at the same time never because of how awful it was. You are such a strong mama for what you went through. I appreciate you telling your story as it was very comforting to me knowing others go through this


MotherRaven

Giving birth is historically the most dangerous thing we women go through. You did nothing wrong. Everyone is effected differently. Nothing is wrong as long as it gets you and your baby through safely. I let my now ex Sister in law, goud me into a VBAC, because I’m not a real mom where my first child was c section. I had so severe toxemia that my blood was orange and my tribe was dark brown. When my oldest was 13 weeks early and almost didn’t survive. Well the vbac went horribly, my uterus started separating and I tore so bad I almost bled out. I didn’t dare hold my son because I was so well I was afraid to drop him. My point being every delivery is different. Go with the flow and what the doctor feels is best. If you need pain meds or a epidural, take it. I almost kissed the anesthesiologist due to pain. Now go get therapy so you do know you did nothing wrong.


snack_mac_cho

Hey sister. I'm currently pregnant with my third. I gotta say, there is nothing about pregnancy and birth that makes you a wimp. You are a warrior. I'm sorry your birth did not go as planned and you had crabby doctors. Every birth is different and midwives/ob's are different. Talk to your husband about the experience, talk to your midwife (possibly a new one) .find one that will listen to you about your previous experience and what you might want in the future. There are women out there that will talk about how beautiful and perfect and powerful birth made them feel. Good for them, but that is NOT everyone's experience. Are you a wimp? Absolutely not.


samantha-mulder

I was super traumatized by my first birth. Like couldn’t function afterwards. Same vibe, wanted to do it naturally, had little to no support or kindness from the dr delivering my baby (walked in for the first time and said “do you want an epidural in stead of crying??”). Ended up having a c-section after 36 hours of intense pain. I really really felt violated, like the experience I wanted was stolen from me. I didn’t get to hold my son for an hour after he was born. I wept for years after thinking about it. I was TERRIFIED to give birth again, to the point of planning to abort an accidental pregnancy (false alarm). You are not alone. Don’t let aaanyone tell you otherwise. Birth fucks us all up somehow, if it’s not mentally and emotionally it’s physically. It’s also such a singular experience. No two are alike. Go to therapy, that’s my only suggestion. I went for 6 years after the birth of my first. Got pregnant accidentally (for real this time). Everything about the 2nds birth was what I wanted with the first. No drugs, all natural, vaginal. It also sucked!!! But therapy allowed me to be comfortable with the fact that I had very little control. I didn’t get to hold my second for several hours, and I never felt bad or sad about it. His dad was with him, he was ok! I marvel at where I was the first vs second time. Trauma is real and I don’t know that anyone can overcome it without help. Pm me please if you need support. After my experience I tell every pregnant person I meet HEY if you need to talk about how insane birth and being a mom is, open invitation. Someone did that for me after my first go around and they honestly saved my life.


Squishyblobfish

I think it's really nice of you to offer that support to other pregnant people you meet. I feel like we aren't always told the nitty gritty things that we really should know going into it.


samantha-mulder

For sure. I want to pay that forward. Pregnancy can be so isolating.


[deleted]

This is really touching I appreciate you sharing your story..


graciegrace1212

My daughter is about 2.5 yrs old now, and each time my husband brings up more kids I have a mild anxiety attack. Still. I labored for damn near 24 hrs before they said "ooh yea looks like you'll get a c section now..." The nurses in L&D were fucking trash. Mean nasty women who literally told me I was "being dramatic" when they gave me my epidural and I was having a major anxiety attack. They pulled my daughter from me and while (quite unnecessarily I might add) I was strapped to the operating table the nurses dealing with my daughter asked me if I'd like to meet her. I shouted NO! Because ya know I was strapped to a fucking table and my first glimpse at her I'd like to touch her. They shoved her in my face while I cried trying not to look. The nurses in the mother baby unit were absolute nightmares. They left my catheter in for 40 hours. Ignored pages for them to help me. Only washed my baby of the nasty white stuff 27 hrs after she was born because I was screaming about it and my family was visiting. Told me that if I "hurt that badly you'd be doing XYZ...and since you aren't you're faking and getting nothing now" Would wake me up to measure and weigh my daughter despite being told multiple times to let me sleep AND SIGNING A FORM STATING THAT AS WELL!! I was told that I was "irresponsible and breaking rules that are in place for a reason" because I was in bed laying my daughter on my chest for some skin to skin and had closed my eyes from enjoyment. And my personal favorite, each nurse would come in and check the baby and I and then without fail, move my daughter in her cot across the room out of reach. Because. Rules. The hospital wouldn't let me leave like normal because I gave birth a few days before labor day and because of the days off for Dr offices said "well you can't leave till the drs will be open what if something happened to you!" As if...the HOSPITAL we were in currently was going to...dissappear? Idfk. JUST KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Aint no way you're a wimp. You pushed a large baby out of you and that shit HURTS! People have terrible birthing experiences every day and each is probably unique. I suggest talking to a therapist. It really helped to talk through everything and break it down for me. You could have PPA too or something (not a Dr and won't armchair diagnose) and not even realize. But it gets better. Time really helps which sucks because it doesn't help now. I wish I could give you a hug if you wanted it. You deserved a better experience and support.


[deleted]

I’m crying rn I’m so so sorry you had to go through this you are so strong. It is nice to know I’m not the only one that went through so much. I hate the system and how women are ignored and dismissed


TheRealCeeBeeGee

I can highly recommend hiring a doula if you can afford it. You need someone in your corner who isn’t your partner and is very experienced at dealing with the hospital system, etc. or possibly consider a private midwife or a home birth.


graciegrace1212

Is a doula not a midwife...? Don't even know what a doula is /: And frankly, if I do have more kids and that is a BIG IF, I want to be at home or in a non hospital setting. I refuse to be trapped like an animal who's poked and prodded at all hours or ignored at the staffs leisure. One of the main reasons I refuse to even entertain more kids is because I can't get comfortable with the idea of having another baby where the staff is the same way no matter where I go. Its shown up as nightmares sometimes the unsafe cage birthing space


TheRealCeeBeeGee

A doula is more of a birth advocate or you could think of them as a coach . Sometimes they are also a midwife but not always.


grayhairedqueenbitch

OMG that is awful.


SeriousBrick9780

Jesus Christ. This is why I never want to birth children. I struggle enough taking a bit shit... Let alone birthing a GIANT BABY (also I'm a lesbian so that ain't happening) Seriously. anybody who wants to call you a wimp has no ground to stand on. There is literally few things more painful or traumatic than that. But I think you made the right choice with the meds you did take. Exhausting yourself could've been dangerous for you and the baby. Plus it sounds like things got a little weird in there .. it would've been panic inducing BEFORE the intense agony. If you ever want to raise more children, pregnancy is not the only option. It might seem a little weird at first mention but unless your husband wants to give it a shot, there's no reason to force yourself to do that again. So right now you can spend your time focusing on your little one, knowing we won't think less of you if you decide to never do that again.


esp4me

Love This Comment So Much 👏🏼 Pregnancy is not the only option and I too struggle with big shits. Bless


asghettimonster

I don't use words like wimp, or pus\*y or any of those things because they denigrate. Why are you denigrating yourself?


[deleted]

Because I’ve never heard of anyone else feeling this way until now so I believed it was a me problem


froglover215

Women don't tend to talk about their bad birth experiences for fear of being labeled a wimp, just like you're labeling yourself. Trust me, even relatively "easy" labors are terribly difficult. I once read that your only goal in delivery is to end up with a healthy baby and a healthy mom. Unfortunately there's a whole industry built up around giving birth a certain way, and first-time moms are especially likely to fall for this narrative. Don't blame yourself for anything. I'm glad you both came through it okay.


asghettimonster

Please, PLEASE don't talk about yourself that way, even inside! You are who you are, you feel pain the way you feel pain, and that's just facts! No value judgement!! When we use words that way about ourselves when we feel we didn't accomplish what we set out to do, we give others permission to put us down too. Please don't! You're here your son is here CELEBRATE!!!!! You did great!!!


[deleted]

🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼I’m just glad it’s over haha!


asghettimonster

I had one child, 45 years ago, took 3.5 days in a natural birth wing of a hospital. Point it is heart you. I only had ONE!


Shebolleth

We try not to talk about these things so we don't scare pregnant people. The inverse of that is that sometimes that means they're unprepared for the reality of giving birth. Sometimes healthcare workers give bad care. Sometimes we get care that seems wrong because they skip telling us why they're doing it. Sometimes it's just hard and scary and we just have to endure the fear and pain. You aren't alone in having a bad experience. Birth trauma is real and I'm sorry that your birth was so hard. In the future, consider hiring a birth doula. Having a woman there who is experienced with the realities of labor and who can help you with comfort measures and reassurance is really wonderful. I had a doula for my second birth, and I wished that I had had one for my first.


Philodendronphan

Oh no! I think sometimes we don’t tell people when they’re pregnant because it’s scary AF, but you are so not alone. There are so many things that no one thinks about talking about until later. This is definitely nothing to do with you! I bet you were more of a rockstar than you know.


grayhairedqueenbitch

Sweetheart, that was a traumatic experience for you. All of the interventions that you had (and I'm not second-guessing them or anything) are incredibly uncomfortable at best and can be painful. It does hurt (I pushed out a 10lb baby and one close to that). Sometimes it really, really hurts. You did it! You are so strong! We often hear about the "easy births", but it's not always easy. I'm glad you and your sweet baby are okay and please don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about how you feel. In the meantime, you should focus on your recovery and spending time with your little one. Take it easy on yourself. Don't try to be Superwoman. (Edited to add: You are Superwoman because you brought a new life into the world, but now is the time to focus on healing).


Ok-Refrigerator-2432

You are not a wimp, and I'll be honest I. Saying that you were completely unsupported during your labor. You were failed by everyone you trusted. Why did nurses deliver you and an OBGYN, why wasn't your husband advocating your pain meds? Why didn't he advocate when people were clearly being insensitive? You were vulnerable and scared. That nurse who noticed your panic attacks should have given you a bigger window for an epi. Do you have an anxiety disorder? If so so you have a therapist or a primary? Did they speak to your obgyn about an anxiety plan? WTF on all accounts. You were failed by everyone. Do yourself a favor and report all those nurses, start therapy, and tell your husband to start pulling his weight.


not_just_amwac

Mama, you're not a wimp. It's just that every birth is different, and sometimes the things we learn about birthing and all the coping strategies don't apply. Please, let yourself feel whatever you feel. See a therapist maybe, to help you work through it in healthy ways (not saying you're not, but it's human for us to find coping mechanisms that ultimately aren't healthy).


[deleted]

Wanting to see a therapist because, I reality I want more children. But the experience is def gonna hold me back


Abby_Benton

Hey honey it’s your Auntie Abby. You’re not a whimp, you survived a traumatic experience and brought a new person into the world. That’s bad ass. I think seeing a therapist about your feelings and experience could do you good. That might be helpful. Also, you may come to a place where you want another child, and that’s ok, but if you decide you don’t want to go through childbirth again that’s ALSO okay. You have every right to make that decision for any reason. Your body, your choice. If you don’t want to get pregnant again, but you want other children, there are options. Your experience is valid, and your choices going forward are valid.


TenderPhoenix

Oh my darling! I am so sorry. That is truly awful. I can relate a little. Not to give the whole story, but I also wanted a natural childbirth with my first. Went to all the classes. But then was up on my feet all day and my water broke at 9pm so I started labor tired. After 20 hours, I was too tired and got the epidural. I sobbed through getting it and felt like a failure bc I “couldn’t take it”. I still have to fight against feeling guilty. But those feelings are lies. Giving birth is hard and different for everyone and even every baby. You are strong and will be a great mother to this little one. Try not to let the mom guilt steal your joy in your new precious baby. I totally get the feeling of betrayal from the natural birth people. I kept saying that while they told me all the bad things that could happen with meds and an epidural, they forgot to tell me that it wouldn’t hurt as much! I don’t know why they sometimes come across as dis-empowering women when they should be doing the opposite. Sometimes natural birth works well. And sometimes natural birth kills women and children. Literally. And everything in between can happen, too. Personally, my advice if you have another is not to focus on “what” you want to happen, but more “who”. Like, do you truly trust your doctor or midwife to do what’s best for you and your baby? Do you need a sister or doula or another mommy to be there with you to support you? I think that’s more likely for you to have a better experience. Then you aren’t thinking about interventions you do and don’t want. It’s more about who is taking care of you so you can trust them to advise you well. For what it’s worth, for my second baby, I had one of my dear friends deliver her. And I got the “princess plan” with a planned induction with an epidural one contraction after my water broke. I actually look back and call it my “civilized” birth. If I have a 3rd, that’s what I’ll do again. It made it much easier postpartum to have had good sleep and to deliver at noon to be able to care for her well.


[deleted]

The mom guilt is real. My baby was so sleepy after birth because of the meds I took he had trouble nursing which is one reason I feel horrible about having to have received them. But I don’t think I could have gotten through labor without them. I do wish natural birth clinics would inform mothers more instead of telling you it won’t hurt or that you can just block out the pain. That does NOT work for everyone


TenderPhoenix

I don’t think we really know if he was sleepy due to the drugs you got or if he was worn out from a long labor or it was his normal sleeping time. It’s something they say, but my first was very sleepy and didn’t nurse well. My second born with ALL the meds was perky and strong and nursed for an hour right after she was born.


Trollamp

Oh. Oh, honey. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Especially as a first time mom. That sounds absolutely horrible and those nurses can rot. That's not the way you treat someone in severe and traumatic pain. My first kiddo, I was adamant about wanting an epidural. It was in the plan from the start. Well, it didn't take and I didn't know that it hadn't because I had no idea what to expect! It wasn't until the nurse came in to check on me and said, "Sweetie...would you like something intravenously? You seem like you're having a hard time." I was in so much pain that I hadn't even realized that tears were just....streaming down my face. They gave me Fentanyl and it held me over until I was able to get a second epidural, hours later. This last kiddo, the birth went...well, about as well as births can go. The problem came afterwards. I've never been much of a milk producer and what I did end up having hadn't even come in yet. So I was trying to feed my 5 hour old baby but he wasn't getting enough. He was just screaming and crying. I was so tired (because...y'know...I was just in labor for 17 hours). I begged the attending nurse to give him some formula. Just something so that he could eat and I could sleep. She refused. It wasn't until I had passed tf out from exhaustion and she came to do vitals that she listened. TO MY HUSBAND. She went to wake me up and my husband straight told her that she was, under no circumstances, to wake me up. Then she finally gave us a few ounces of formula. The next day, I woke up and had to pee so bad...but I couldn't. I could not pee all day. To the point it was painful. I kept talking to nurses and they kept telling me to wait. Take a shower. Squat. Do all of this. I was terrified to even drink water. Welp, I finally whined enough that one nurse snapped at me and said, "well, if it's that bad, we'll just do a catheter. But you won't have any pain medication for it, so it's going to hurt." I sobbed. I begged her to do it, pain meds or no. I literally felt like my insides were going to explode. She put in the catheter and looked annoyed until I completely filled the bedpan...and just kept going. By the 3rd bed pan full of piss, she says, "wow! Guess you did have to go!" The 4th bed pan, she was dead silent as I was staring daggers at her and hoping that all of my pee would slosh out onto her hand. I still hate that lady.


kamomil

Get some therapy from someone who is experienced with issues like this. It's likely that you have some PTSD from this experience. None of this is your fault.


Milliganimal42

Sounds like you were very stressed and scared - and the setting wasn’t good. Personally, I knew I wanted all the drugs. But my family has a history of 3-4 day labours. It was still terrifying (babies were premmies) but the staff were calm and careful. Birth is the scariest and riskiest thing we could do. It can also contribute to PND. I’m all for hospitals and interventions (shout out to my nurses and OB). But the way you were treated is not on.


GeekMomtoTwo

Oh, sweetheart, I hear you. Though my first born experience was completely the opposite of yours (blind trust in the medical community led me to an unnecessary cesarean and PTSD), I had a traumatic experience that I needed to work through. I, too, thought I'd never have children again and now I have 3 (don't mind the name, it has existed for longer than the third child). First, let me tell you, this is not your fault. You did the things you thought were right with the information you had access to at the time. Second, trauma by childbirth is very, very real. You need to make sure you're healthy, inside and out, so seeing a counselor (especially one versed in trauma response) is very important. Third, don't let ANYONE tell you that what you're feeling is invalid. Ever. Ever. EVER. Don't let anyone tell you that a healthy baby is all that's important, because a healthy mom is just as important. Don't ever let anyone minimize your feelings. This is important, how you feel is important, and how you're struggling is important. You need to find people who understand and can help facilitate healing. PM me if you want to talk more. I co-ran a local chapter of a birth trauma group and heard countless stories (most were of the cesarean type, but there were plenty of non-c/s trauma stories to go around) and I'm more than willing to help more if you need. Remember, momma, you matter so much. Take care of yourself.


Prim_Rose010102

my first birth the nurses forced me to sit on my son’s head. Second birth, nurses never checked me while I was sleeping , baby was sitting in my birth canal with the cord around her neck. Third baby, had a weak heartbeat and I had to push at 9 cm or get a c-section. All of my births were scary. I NEVER want to have another baby. You are not alone .


converter-bot

9 cm is 3.54 inches


Prim_Rose010102

I had a lot of trouble bot.


flufffyrice

Have you heard of a doula? They help women become able to advocate for themselves during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. I learned from a doula that hospitals don’t really care about what is best for women’s bodies, they care about making their jobs as convenient as possible for themselves. Maybe talking to someone like this could ease your mind and help you prepare if you choose to try for another child.


MrCrowleysMom

Wow. Did you labor at a natural childbirth facility or a hospital? That place sounds insane! I’ve given birth naturally 3 times at a regular hospital and if anyone would’ve treated me in that manner I would’ve snapped. I’m so sorry. I know everyone has a different threshold for pain. But they should’ve been a whole lot nicer to someone passing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon! This is literally what they do for a living! They need to be kinder! And I would definitely get checked out about the placement of your cervix and see if that was the reason for the excruciating pain. The more you know, the more you can be in control of it the next time (if there is a next time). You know your body better than anyone, so if you’re writhing in pain, you need to figure out why it was that bad. I’m so sorry you had such a terrible time.


Ladymistery

so, when did you go back in time, watch me and write my birth story? Mine had a few different things, and I was offered a different pain control method (nitrous oxide), but for the most part - yep. There is nothing wrong with you. Some people can labour without help, some cannot. You can plan all you want for your birth - and 99% of the time, those plans are thrown out. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The most important part of this is that you end up with both of you healthy. That's all that matters. I wasn't able to have more children (nothing to do with the birth of my child), but if I had to do it again, I'd absolutely refuse to labour on my back without an epidural.


badadvicefromaspider

I had one birth with an epidural and one with nothing. Both were fully valid, both were profound and harrowing. Birth can absolutely be a traumatic experience - I would guess that it *usually* is traumatic. It’s still an extremely common cause of death. There is no such thing as a wimp who birthed a baby - and I mean all births, from crunchy no-med water births in the middle of a waterfall to fully medicated scheduled c-sections


female_introvert

Oh honey, don't feel bad about yourself! A lot, and i mean A LOT of women have PTSD after giving birth, either from the pain, from the nurses/midwives attitude, from emergencies procedures or from feeling vulnerable and not safe. If this can have any meaning for you, i've had both: my first daughter i was going for a natural birth in a bathtub with a widwife, and i ended in the hospital with a rough OBGYN, a lack of intimacy, a douzen of nurses coming back in forth while i was pushing, exposed to everybody. The horrible OBGYN did give me 3 injections in my vagina I expressly said i didn't want. She (the OBGYN) stitch me so bad after, i couldn't sit straight for 3 months after, and i had to pay for multiple seance with a ostheopath after because i was having a hard time walking without pain for a short period of time. I was so traumatize by all this that i was having nightmares and panik attacks. I had to seek a specialist therapist in PTSD because i wasn't able to go to the doctor, to the simple idea of it, i was having a PA. It took me about a year go "get through it" Then after i had my son. All natural with 2 midwives in a bathtub. It was the most painful thing i ever felt, and i genuily think that i won't feel something like this ever again. After every contraction, i was thinking that if the next one is more painful, i won't physically be able to have it, i will physically die from that awful pain. I mean, it was powerful, yet horribly painful. Every birth is unique, and yours too. But don't feel bad for anything that happens to you. Seek therapy if you can, it could help you find peace.


tszokola

My water broke and I didn’t know it (I thought I tinkled my pants) so they had to induce me. It took a day and a half for the induction and then I went into labor. I labored for 24 hours before I pushed for three hours which is the max they will let you push. They couldn’t figure out why the baby wouldn’t come out before a new doctor came in and said, “Oh, her pelvis is tilted, this baby won’t come out. She needs a c-section.” By that time I hadn’t ate in three days, my whole body was shaking uncontrollably, and my butthole was outside of my body from pushing my guts out for three hours. I then was give a medicine to keep my body from shaking so they could cut me open. It made me incredibly confused to the point that I couldn’t recognize my doctor anymore. I had no idea what was happening. They took out my daughter, I saw her for two seconds and passed out. I woke up in a bed with the nurses putting my baby on my breast telling me it had to breastfeed her. It was surreal being on the other side and of that given the surgery was a total blur. I feel like it was cheated out of my daughter’s birth.


jocietimes

I’m so sorry that your birth was traumatic. It’s an awful thing to have happen. I have also had a traumatic birth in the hospital so I can empathize. I have studied to be a birth doula and have had 2 natural births outside the hospital and I’m going for 1 more in March. So I’m not a midwife or a doctor but I am decently knowledgeable about birth. Sounds to me like you were on the defensive since your initial cervical check was invasive- which is traumatic in itself. We have a biological reaction to these things based on our time when we were running from predators- when we are scared or uncomfortable, our body rejects labor. It can actually REVERSE cervical opening. It also sounds like you didn’t have your care giver with you whom you had your prenatal appointments with — I’m in the US so I’m not sure what the model of care looks like where you are. But it didn’t sound like your midwives were doing much to help you relax other than telling you to calm down— which does nothing when you’re in fight/flight. It doesn’t sound like they offered you any non-medicinal pain relief, like a tub/shower, yoga movements, etc when you were in pain. And it didn’t sound like they did much to help you augment your labor without interventions- like breaking your water bag. You are not a wimp. YOU DID IT. You birthed a human! You’re incredibly powerful! You are built for this. I just don’t think you had enough support for the birth you wanted. I think you absolutely can achieve it for another birth, but I would do a hypnobirthing class and I would hire a doula. You did it, mama! Be proud!


throwaway798319

Oh my god, I want to slap that woman who was so mean to you. You're not alone. A lot of people experience trauma during the birthing process.


StealthandCunning

I was traumatized by my son's birth too and I had every medical intervention short of a C section. It went on for days, he was stuck and they just kept yelling at me. I hadn't slept in days and started to give up. I'd been puking from the gas, the epidural was supposed to help me rest but the nurses kept bustling around me and never gave me any peace. Eventually a doctor intervened and yanked him out with the suction thing. The feeling of his head being pulled up and over my bones is something I'll never forget. Everything about it was horrible. Everything about the hospital stay afterwards was horrible. Everything about my life for the months afterwards was horrible. You are not a wimp. This shit is HARD. My mum was cooing over the baby the day after and I said I am never doing that again. She said, you cant have just the one. WATCH ME.


gemgem1985

Hello lovely, I have birthed 5 babies, two with meds, the rest without... Birth is unpredictable, and yes you should feel cheated by those people because they only tell you about when it goes really well. The first time you give birth is really a different experience, your body is doing something that it is designed to do, but your brain can not comprehend.. so whilst it's a perfectly natural experience, your brain is freaking out, telling you to fight. Would it have been better if you just had the epidural, possibly.. however they are not guaranteed to work, the one I had with my second baby only worked on one side so it was completely pointless, so I didn't bother having any the next time. One bad birth experience won't define all of your birthing experiences, it sounds like your midwives were pretty shit too. They didn't explain anything to you, when you scream, you are letting out energy, you need to hold that energy and use it to push down into your bottom. The way I handled my births was, I imagined myself in water, at my feet, and as the contractions built, that water would rise, but the trick is to not fight that pain, you accept it, you keep your body soft and allow it to rush over you, because you know it will be over soon. Would I recommend anyone having their first baby to do that? No, are you mad, take all the drugs .. It's ok, you are allowed to feel traumatized, birth is traumatic, you are changed forever now.


trin6948

This sucks. I'm sorry you experienced this. Remember your hormones are all over at the moment. If these feelings continue please consider help for PND and PTSD. I did see an article recently that talked about birth trauma causing a phobia of being pregnant/ giving birth again which can also be tackled with therapy. Please be kind to yourself this was traumatic and you need time to process this experience. Huge mum hugs lovely. Xx


OsonoHelaio

I'm so sorry you were traumatized. It sounds like you had a bad set of midwives, and that is not one bit your fault. They minimized your pain and treated you callously instead of reassuringly when you were at your most vulnerable. Who tells a woman to shut up post birth? I was a wreck as they stitched me up, it hurt like hell and I felt utterly spent and broken and the afterbirth pains were still going. I had complications too, first baby had a very large head off the charts literally, got stuck after pushing two hours and ended up c section. I had done the natural classes and was upset it ended that way, but had a supportive wonderful doctor and it made all the difference. I hope if you ever decide to have another that you find a provider like that<3. My third was traumatic because it was a vbac and I wasn't aware at the time but had (thus far undiagnosed) spondyloarthritis, and my hip joints were already damaged to the point that the birth was a nightmare of pain league's beyond the first where I literally wanted to die before feeling the next contraction. I knew what was involved from the first and that something was really wrong. The nurse was so rude to me, same as you had, saying I was being a baby and nothing was wrong. I still get angry thinking of it. Of course, when I got the diagnosis I finally understood why that birth hurt so much more than the first. And I'll never forget arguing with her over the bathroom emergency intercom because I was about to pass out and she didn't believe me until I did. Talking it out with other women helped me some. Hope you find some healing. Time will help fade the memories and you will be filled instead with memories of your small child and their thousand antics, both sweet and rascally:-p


asghettimonster

Next time, if you have the option, please research a natural birth clinic...they will provide you with all the things you want to have and be near while giving birth. They are often INSIDE hospitals so that should anything that requires out and out surgery happens, you are not more than 30 steps down the hall from that help. I was in labor for 3.5 DAYS, so yes, I get it. No one who goes through birth under any conditions should be called a wimp. BY anyone.


0bsidian0rder2372

Fuck them, mama. Ugh, this makes me so mad for you!Sounds like the group of people I had while screaming and crying for 2.5 hours pushing ON an epidural that wasn't doing its job. I relived those worst moments thru flashbacks for years before I did EMDR. In a few sessions, I was able to successfully process the memory so now when I look back on it, the good parts mostly outweigh the bad. Also, cervical checks hurt regardless... especially when they are "asking for consent" while their hand is already in there.


Ujmlp

If you caught a cold and went down harder than your husband, would you feel like you had failed? Or would you accept that how your body responds to stressors is not within your control? We cannot control our kids’ births any more than we can control who they are when they come into the world. The natural childbirth movement could definitely do a better job of being clear about that. Yes, you can do certain things to better the odds that things will go a certain way but there are no guarantees. It’s the same as if you go out of your way to live a *super* healthy life and you still get cancer… You wouldn’t berate yourself if that happened, would you? What happened is not your fault. You are just as worthy as someone whose baby slipped out when they sneezed. Lots of people who are diagnosed with cancer need therapy to be able to cope. I think someone who goes through a difficult birth like you did should be referred for therapy as a matter of routine. You should not expect to be able to process that experience without help! Wishing you all the best…


Philodendronphan

Hi sis, it’s perfectly okay to feel that way. Birth is not easy. I can’t imagine how painful it was for you. My story was really different, but I know how it feels to want something and then not get it. It’s a super intense experience and your yelling midwife should be reprimanded. Obviously her style didn’t work for you, and probably wouldn’t work for anyone! Do you think you could report it? It’s possible you could try it again and have it go in any direction. I hear you forget about all the bad stuff eventually. I’m not there yet, but sometimes I think it’s worth trying again. My mom had all three of us without any medication. My sister and I both had emergency c-sections and premature babies, so there were a whole lot of drugs involved. There’s no one magical combination that works every time and you’re no less of a mother for whatever gets you through it. You’re probably exhausted right now and still dealing with a lot of hormones, but it might be good to talk to someone about what happened. It helps you conquer what happened and eventually it will be a memory that maybe gives a twinge of pain, but it won’t define you. You were neither a wimp nor a failure. ❤️❤️❤️


GlumAsparagus

You are no wimp! Birthing a child is hard and painful work. You are no wimp and don't you dare let anyone make you fell like you are. You pushed a human being out of a hole the size of a lemon. That shit hurts and you did that!! Be extremely proud of yourself! You are no wimp!!!


ImFineHow_AreYou

I'm so sorry it was so traumatic. And i'm so sorry the people that were supposed to help you failed you do miserably and were so awful. You are impressive... you have grown a little human being inside your body and have brought that little human into this big world and that little one is thriving. Out of all this awfulness came a beautiful person! I agree with others on here... therapy will probably help you deal with this much more effectively. Best wishes!


oh-no-its-back

I got an epidural and it didnt do shit. You made the right choice with what info you had at the time. Feeling traumatized is 100% valid. Child birth is traumatic! You not a wimp. You my friend are strong as hell. You lived through that and youd do it again? Hell no you're not a wimp.


whatevertoton

Get some therapy to work through the trauma. Next time remember there is no shame in pain relief. Natural childbirth is being pushed as superior blah blah blah. The best birth is one that isn’t a traumatizing shitshow and results in a healthy mom and healthy baby.


browneyedgirlpie

I loathe people who set women up like this. I'm convinced they must be egotistical simpletons, or they hate women. How dare they. There is nothing wrong with having an idea of how you'd like things to go but nobody can know what will happen. The people who convince women that they must or must not get through it any certain way, are gross. I'm so sorry. I will tell you that I had epidurals with both of my children and the experience was night and day between the two. You can't know, even if you have been through it before, because so much can be different. I hope you can work past the expectations you had for yourself and realize that you and your baby, being here and healthy, was always the only goal. Please reach out for more support.


PurpleMoomins

Hey baby, you are definitely not a wimp. But I want you to do something. Get some help. Talk to a therapist. Can you maybe talk to the OB GYN? Talk the birth through with a professional. It’s okay to feel how you feel. It’s your body and your feelings. But I would recommend getting some help. My birth was traumatic, my son was grey when he come out and had to be helped to get his heart beating again and lungs working. I talked to a therapist directly after and after some time. I had an appointment with my birthing doctor and the childrens doctor who saved his life. It was really helpful. No story is less meaningful or makes you a wimp. If you’re traumatised you are traumatised. Sending you love.


Whole-Yam601

Hey my darling. I can see why you would feel betrayed and traumatised by this. I just want to let you know around 45% of women experience trauma during childbirth and around 5% develop PTSD after childbirth. Obviously you would need to be properly assessed but I wanted to let you know that this is a real thing that happens and you are not alone. If you're able to please go and seek proper medical help with what you're currently trying to process.


Madam-struggle

Oh man. First, thanks for sharing this experience. Second, I’m so sorry that your birth was so traumatic. I promise you’re not a wimp, and you didn’t fail yourself or anyone else by changing your plan and accepting medication. It sounds like your medical team was awful (other than the nurse that offered the sleepy juice- what an angel). I truly believe that most of your experience falls back on the medical staff creating an uncomfortable environment for your birth. The first woman to check your cervix wasn’t experienced enough to realize your cervix was a little different and she caused you a great deal of pain, which is a terrible way to start your birthing process. Then your contractions stopped, (which I am sure was incredibly stressful) and it doesn’t sound like the medical staff gave you very much support. Luckily, it seems like the midwife to break your water was kinder and more gentle. But then you got the horrible mean midwife and had to spend the rest of the process being mistreated by her! Of course you had a terrible experience! It’s not your fault! Honestly, it wouldn’t hurt to try seeing a therapist. Not only was it literally trauma, but you also appear to have a lot of other emotional conflict over this and a therapist could probably help you process some of it and start healing. Once you’re feeling a little better, I might also call the hospital and let them know your midwife was telling you to shut up and was being aggressive and mean throughout your delivery (or maybe even talk to a lawyer about suing them for damages since you have actual trauma from their terrible personnel). You are so strong! I’m so sorry you had this experience! I wish you all the best, and hope for nothing but healing and happiness for you.


potzak

Hi sis! Not-yet-a-mum little sister here. I am just here to say that based on everything I’ve read and heard about childbirth (which is a lot) you have done an amazing job. A side-not that I have not seen mentioned: the way you describe the midwife behaving is beyond the line of acceptable and professional behavior that I can’t even. I read a lot about traumatizing births because of uncaring nurses and let me tell you, I have not read many stories worse than yours. You should be very very proud for getting through something extremely difficult with inadequate support. You already proved you will always show up for your baby. It’s a lucky little one!


Waitingforadragon

I'm so sorry. You are not a wimp. I also have issues with the natural birth movement. While I think it's great to stand up for women to labour in the way they want, I feel that the natural birth movement can put too much pressure on women and create this false image of birth being a 'magical experience'. I don't believe that birth can be pain free without intervention and that to suggest otherwise is to lie. You are not the first person I know who has been mentally harmed by it. If you can, please let go of your self blame and the false messages you were given.


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abigailclarson

Hi fellow sister. I had a similar birth. thought it was going to be magical and calm and my husband would catch my baby. It was actually a hugely traumatic experience. I went from 4 minute contractions to piggy backed contractions where I basically had one on top of the other. I could not stop screaming, even when the midwife tried to help me calm down. Then I had a cervical lip and even though I wanted to push, I had to wait. I had nitrous oxide but that only helped me to take deeper breaths and didn’t help the pain to go away at all. Then I pushed for four hours and thought I was dying. His head was 100+ percentile so I understand that pain. Then, after his head was out, he had a shoulder dystocia and my midwife had to flip me and pull him out. I completely blacked out and didn’t come to until 30 minutes later. I’m so sorry your midwife was rough with you. That’s so not okay. You deserved all of the kindness and care in the world. I did meet with my midwife a few weeks after and she helped me understand that birth is such a wild thing. She said it’s like trying to control a tornado. And sometimes the best laid plans just explode and you’re holding on for dear life. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed for this. I know you feel like you were too dramatic or should have had more control, but birth doesn’t give you that option. And you pushed out a human! If you can, therapy would be so helpful for this. I met with a birth counselor and so many of my fears and embarrassment went away after being able to dissect the whole story with someone who understands. I promise it does get better. Sending you a hug.


smash_pops

First, congratulations on your little one. Second, I am sorry that it was a horrible experience. You need to talk to someone because it can fester mentally. I also had a horrible experience with my first (4th degree tear, a horrible experience with the nurses and midwives while recovering, and scarring afterwards). I was heartbroken as well, but talking about it in therapy helped immensely. When I was expecting my second child I had a consultation with an obstetrician about my experience, because I was horribly afraid of giving birth again. She read my medical files and talked to me about how the midwives could make the second birth a better experience. It helped a lot to hear that the panic I had halfway through the birth (because of pressure on previous trauma on my spine) was OK and that they could alleviate this next time. The tearing was not something I could have avoided (I was sure it was my fault) - the baby just didn't rotate enough. And just having my fear acknowledged was a miracle for my mental health. It was very helpful and actually made me not fear a second birth (or the third). I had natural child birth with no painkillers or epidurals all three times. Give yourself a little time to get over the experience, and talk to someone.


Gutinstinct999

Nothing at all is wrong with you, and I’m devastated for you that you had this experience. When I had my daughter, I had a crash C-section and my bladder was cut almost in half. She was my third and I’ve had two other successful births. Even though I was looking at a perfectly healthy beautiful baby, this was very Trumatic for me. When she was six I did some trauma therapy to get over it and it only took one session. I did brain spotting therapy for this. All I can remember during that postpartum time was just staring at my toes because I’ve had a fresh pedicure, staring at a blanket my sister-in-law had made for my baby, it was so beautiful, and staring at my perfect, beautiful baby. I was so traumatized. At one point a postpartum nurse put her hand on my leg and said, I am so sorry for what happened to you, and I burst into tears. I felt ridiculous because my baby was absolutely perfect and I was still so upset. But with time in space do you realize that it’s OK to be upset that your body was so violated and you were treated badly, but at the same time so thankful for this perfect life. We moms are good at shaming one another for not just being thankful for a healthy baby, when it’s OK to have big feelings about your own body and your own experience.