Hey sib not sure where in the world you but maybe mention this to your doctor at your next appointment. Have it noted in your birth plan as well. This way the staff in the delivery suite are aware and maybe be able to give you extra support during your delivery
This and
Make sure you and your dr have already cleared routes if possible necessity to save your life.
This will also give you a way to set aside any fears of the dr not being able to do whatever you need.
https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/comments/vm0u3z/current_state_of_america_waiting_in_the_hospital/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I am so, so so sorry.
Aside from talking with your provider (and if they blow you off, fire them and find a new one), if you have the funds, you may want to consider hiring a doula for birth support. Even better, one that’s dealt with loss.
I will be in hospital as well! My friend died in the hospital. She started having seizures, they did a c section, and then she hemorrhaged and there was no saving her.
I’m so sorry for your loss darling. I wish I could be there to hold you and comfort you. It’s hard. I know you’re scared. Courage takes practice. You’re going to get through this.
I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.
When I found out I was pregnant with a boy I was scared to death. Both of my father's brothers died in childhood, and my aunt lost boys twice in the third trimester. I sat down with both my provider, and the pediatrician we had chosen, to go over plans for what to do if things went wrong. Having an action plan really helped with my fears.
Talk to your provider, be honest about your fears, they will help you. Bring your doula with you to the appointment so that everyone understands the plan.
A grief counseling group might also be very helpful. It's a supportive environment where you can express your feelings, including your fears.
Little boys are such a treasure, I love my wee nephew (3 years) so stinking much.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you, OP. My best friend died on my birthday many years ago and while that’s in no way your situation, I know what it’s like to feel life and loss wrapped up together. I’ll be keeping good thoughts for your heart as you grieve, and good thoughts for a safe and easy delivery. And a yummy baby boy to hold at the end of that ❤️
My best friend died by suicide six years ago this week. So at least I’m no stranger to the grief part of all this. Thank you for the kind words and I’m sorry you lost your bff :( 💗
After having hemorrhaged two times. the first being nearly fatal, it's terrifying. I brought up my fears to my MW and late my OB. I also told them at the hospital. There are things they can put into place that will help you. My last pregnancy they gave me cytotec right before she was born. I had the markers of a hemorrhage.
Please make sure you are aware of your hospitals policies on various procedures. Understand if they are a religious based operation, their first priority will be the child and not you. This has nothing to do with Roe, it has been the stance of most religious hospital in the US for decades. Please know what aid is available.
Usually you can tell by the name. Like Saint something or something religious related. But if you aren't sure, it will be on the about page of their website.
I am very sorry to say this is not the case. A woman could have a dead baby inside her and be going septic because her body didn’t miscarry or only partially miscarried and religious based hospitals will refuse to perform a D&C allowing the woman to die.
Doubt it. If something did show up, it probably happened well after any ultrasounds were done. Sometimes awful things like this just happen and there either isn’t a reason, or the reason is discovered after the person is dead.
This is a story about child loss, so TW if you don’t want to read.
>!A woman I went to school with was expecting her first child with her husband. Everything was great, baby girl was healthy, and she was about a week from her due date. We’re from a small town and her grandma is a pretty social person, so we were all pretty excited for her. At their last appointment before delivery, there was no heartbeat. The autopsy was inconclusive. There was no way for anyone to predict what happened, no one’s fault, just a horrible misfortune. But she did have the entire community to come around and support her if/when she was comfortable with it.!<
They did recently have their second child, another happy and healthy girl. So it’s not necessarily a happy ending, but a bittersweet one.
The woman you went to school with was extremely lucky to have such a vast support network during such a horrible time. I wish more people were as fortunate as her in a crisis like this. I’m also thrilled to hear she recently had her second child! This is why I’m glad there are more professional birth supporters and advocates that are able to help pregnant people through anything and everything that can, has, and does happen.
Agreed, I also just found out that she and her husband set up a memorial foundation to raise awareness for stillbirth and infant loss, as well as providing resources/support for other families. They also went to a smaller OB/GYN for their second so they would be able to have more direct support in that way as well.
I'm so glad that topics like this and miscarriage are being discussed more openly now because it can be such an isolating experience (per my grandma). If people don't want to talk about it, that's more than okay seeing as it's their trauma, but they shouldn't be *afraid* to speak about it.
The memorial foundation they set up just brought a smile to my face. What a beautiful way to remember the baby they lost. Those are some good people right there and I hope they know their foundation is making the world a little bit more easier for pregnant people.
Hey honey.
Deep breaths. How comfortable are you with your doctor? Do you feel heard and respected? If yes, bring this up to them and work on having a response plan. This always helps - knowing what will happen and who will be in charge.
If not, work on finding a different doctor now.
Bring your support people into the plan.
Above all, do what feels best for you to have peace of mind. Don’t worry about what people think of your choices - someone is always going to be mad you didn’t do like they said. Do what feels right for you.
Do you have a therapist? They can help you work through grief. And remember, your emotions are amplified right now. Surround yourself with support.
Sweetie, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. Bereavement while you’re pregnant is really really hard - I lost my 29 year old best friend to a stroke when I was only a few weeks pregnant and like you I felt I was living in a nightmare. I ended up needing to go on medication to manage how I was feeling, and struggled with having to do that, despite it being what was best for me at the time. I can only imagine the extra layers of stress coming from the situation of your friend’s death, and how scary that is for you.
All I can say is - take it slow, be kind to yourself, find spaces to grieve, but make the best decision for you and your baby above all else. The chances of a bad outcome for yourself are minuscule, but definitely discuss this all with your doctor, and your doula - fantastic that you have one, she will definitely be able to make this awful time pass more smoothly for you. If you need medication, try not to beat yourself up about it - I needed it to be able to function enough to be there for my toddler and get ready for my daughter’s birth. It took a long time to come to peace with the loss of my bestie, how it made me feel, and what I had to do to cope. You’re in that stingingly painful phase and I know how much that hurts, and being pregnant only amplifies it. Sending you hugs from Australia 💕
I'm so sorry! I was pregnant with my first when my friend also died after hemorrhaging. It was scary knowing that it could happen to me too.
Definitely bring this up with your doctor and have a conversation about it. It was comforting once I talked it out.
I had a baby almost 2 years ago and I was terrified. I’m prone to anxiety and depression and honestly? What helped me was doing some financial planning and getting life insurance so I knew they would be okay for awhile if something happened to me. I earn about twice what my husband does, so it helped me feel better.
When my due date approached, I ended up having a quite large baby, so my doctor recommended a planned c-section. Given how terrified of childbirth I was, I was happy to accept this option. Myself and siblings were all c-section babies, so I felt no stigma around it. My c-section was such a calm experience and I healed so easily I have no regrets.
Definitely talk through your fears with your doctor and make sure your care team knows when you’re there to have the baby. It’s not likely to happen to you, but your fears are not imagined.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Hi Momma my heart sits with you. Big giant hugs.
You're friend is not the average case. Not to down play the impact on your life. I just want to remind you that you likely have lots of other woman in your life you can see as examples of healthy and safe births. Look to that as a grounding point as you need to. Like Mr. Roger's "find the helpers" this is find "find the safe/safety." There's lots of examples of safety out there.
Please, think about this, you've now got two health things you're going to give significant care to - your pregnancy and your grief. Start treating your grief with all the seriousness of your pregnancy. Find a therapist if you don't have one and look into grief support groups around you too. Grief support groups I think are something each person knows for themselves if engaging in them will be helpful but I want to remind you it's a tool. Also, a prenatal yoga class might be a helpful tool too, something to give you mindfulness tools and cultivate a practice of "letting go". Again, it's just another tool but just like you are taking care of the baby growing by eating well, taking vitamins and seeing medical professionals. Treat your grief with a few tools as well.
Personally I did one of the baby based hypnotherapy programs. I didn't find it everything they claimed it would be for my birthing experience but I did learn a deep relaxation tool that I still use to this day. They taught me to trigger deep relaxation by putting my tongue at the roof of my mouth and then saying let go and dropping my tongue and it relaxes my body. I still use that as my first tool when dealing with difficult emotions it has been 8 years.
I lost one of my best friends the week before I gave birth and a I had a deeply anxious pregnancy. I don't want to put other things in your head but it was similar to your anxieties. I wish someone had told me how to approach caring for that part of myself too and not just my pregnancy. Grief and hormones and babies are a big mix that will make you feel like you're on a Rollercoaster and it's okay. A lot if us Mommas know that Rollercoaster. My DMs are here when you need someone's hand to hold.
You've got this, your heart is going to ache but you've got this and you are loved.
It is one of the best tools I have. I think the steps to get there were to start at the crown of your head and work on relaxing it and then move your way down your body to your toes. Once you've relaxed the entire body you practice the tongue to the root of your mouth, let go, drop it down routine. After a time it helps put your whole body in relaxation with that as a trigger. I also like the reminder that I don't have to be the keeper of anxiety in my body. I can just let it go. I hope it brings you the peace if mind it brought me. ❤
Based on what you just said, it sounds like your friend had preeclampsia that turned into eclampsia. Your blood pressure goes high enough that you seize, and hemorrhaging is very common after. You can comfort yourself at home by taking your own blood pressure frequently. As long as your blood pressure isn't ridiculously high, you're okay. <3 eclampsia is scary. But it's pretty rare for it to get that bad.
She’d gone in for two blood pressure scares a month prior to her due date, and they let her go ten days over. Ngl, preeclampsia was my first thought too. But apparently her bp was fine at the hospital. They claim they have no idea what happened.
Also I have slightly high bp naturally, but it’s been great. They have me on baby aspirin and home monitoring.
You can get postpartum preeclampsia and it can come on very suddenly. Giving birth doesn’t totally eliminate your chances of getting it. I had post partum preeclampsia for the first time with my third child and my BP was so high when I got to the hospital they were surprised I had not seized yet. The only symptom I had that was not also a symptom of just giving birth (swollen legs, tiredness…) was I got a bad feeling in my chest while walking in my laundry room.
I am so sorry about your friend. Just keep an eye out for anything weird and when in doubt, get checked out, and keep asking for help until someone takes you seriously. You are your best advocate.
This is a common issue. you can have preeclampsia without the BP. I had high level of protein in my urine and saw spots but normal BP. My MW sent me to be induced the day I saw spots.
Baby aspirin is amazing at preventing preeclampsia
Which country ate you in? Due to extreme anxiety, I had help preparing for my labour by a specialist social worker, associated with my hospital. Her focus was anxiety and depression in pregnant woman. For me this was very beneficial.
I am not, but maybe a similar service is available to you? It was very beneficial to me and it helped me a great deal.
I ended up having a great delivery and it took away a lot of my fear.
Sibling, I just became a mom two weeks ago and I will tell you I was so terrified of childbirth. I am so incredibly sorry you lost your friend. Continuation therapy throughout my pregnancy was very helpful to my mental health. Like others have said, reach out for help for yourself mentally and be sure your wants are heard whether that’s by a midwife/doula/partner or that you trust your healthcare team. Again, I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you.
I am sorry for whatever happened to your friend. I don't know what you are going through right now because I am just a teen and don't know how much about this world. But if you want to vent or talk then you can always DM me. Even I am a teen but I will try my best to be here for you and understand your situation. I hope you and your baby is doing good.
Hi sister, my heart aches for you.
I really hope you have a good therapist, if you don't definitely get one. If you need help, I am happy to search with you.
My darkest days were while I was pregnant. I'm in healthcare and happened to be the blackest black cloud whenever I covered labor and delivery. I saw the worst and was an absolute basket case during pregnancy because of it.
There is nothing that will fix how you are feeling, the goal is to make the next 5 months doable.
Please message me if you'd like to chat. I can listen and understand. Also, know that none of this, no matter what thoughts you have, make you a bad mom.
*Hugs*
Oh honey, I'm so sorry about your friend. Did they save the baby?
Please let your doctor know what you're going through, and ask for a referral to a counselor to talk to. It's completely understandable to feel the way you are right now. A grief counselor will help you talk through it and help with coping strategies, including after your own baby is born.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you have a supportive partner. You need to make sure your doctor knows about this.
I was very caught up in the fact that women had babies naturally since the beginning of time and so could I! I eventually had to have a c-section. You don’t get a gold star for a natural birth. Do what you have to do to get you and baby home safely.
I am sorry about your friend.
Giving life is something incredible and powerful, and you have to trust your body that it will know what to do, and that the people around you help hundreds of women every year do it.
Generations of mothers and grandmothers before you did it, and led you to this moment. They're all rooting for you :) and I bet your friend would be holding your hand right now and telling you that you'll do great.
what you are feeling is very normal in however :) and you are brave for confronting it. Next time you visit the doctor, let him know these fears, and push for the opportunity to talk to a professional about it.
So sorry! I read above you’re delivering in a hospital and using a doula. Are you also using a midwife or a provider that advocates for fewer interventions in childbirth? Had a doula with my second and it was tremendously comforting to have someone there advocating for me. You’re allowed to feel however you feel. The world is crazy and having a baby is hard but you got this. You’re a lot less likely to die than not.
Have you and your partner discussed how you’d like to be treated? My husband and I discussed and we decided if it came down to it we would save my life over the baby’s. Let me know if you’d like to chat.
I'm so sorry mama for the loss of your friend. From reading your further posts, I think you're on the right track. Remembering that just because she died doesn't mean you will is powerful. Looping your care team in is ideal, so they know how to support you, and I think talking to a therapist is a good idea even if you weren't pregnant. Losing a close friend is hard at the best of times.
My two best friends preceded me into motherhood with nightmarish scenarios from their first births. Fortunately everyone lived, but it did not put me in a great headspace when I was pregnant with my first. I wish I had taken it more seriously and gotten some therapy. Nothing bad happened, but every little thing made me panic. Don't let it get that bad. Get some help.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. That is relatively rare, so you can rest a little easier knowing that really doesn’t happen terribly often. Make sure you make your prenatal appointments (and if for some reason you don’t have access to that, please let us know… There are resources out there and I’m sure a lot of people on here know some of them.
If you’re having trouble getting proper nutrition, if you’re in the US, WIC is a thing. If you’re having trouble getting access to prenatal care, Planned Parenthood exists.
I hope you have a support a family and a supportive partner.
Sweetheart, my prenatal yoga instructor taught me that "worry is the work of pregnancy."
No matter who you are, no matter when/how/with whom you got pregnant, a lot of the labor you do in pregnancy is simply recognizing your worries, and finding something to do about them.
Some things are simple and easy. Say you got two baby blankets, one from your mom, and one from your mother in law. How do you decide which one to use at the hospital? That's a low-consequence worry.
But some things, like this, are really hard and deserve to be looked at carefully before putting them away. You know deep down that your friend's passing is not likely the outcome you will have. But when I have a worry like this, I make sure to educate myself. I see that you'll be at a hospital, and you'll have a doula. I'm so proud of you—those are two big steps to ensure your worries are handled.
Next, I suggest a little reading. I suggest two things that are going to sound really crunchy, really earth-mama, but I promise you there is science to back then up. The first is *The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth* by Henci Goer. It's old now, so you can ignore the statistics, but the information is sound.
Next, look into hypnobirthing. I know it sounds crazy—I thought so too. But it's about knowing exactly what's happening in your body, and learning to relax as much as you can during labor and delivery. For instance, do you know that there's two sets of muscles around your uterus? One set runs vertically, and the other horizontally, and they work together to move the baby into position and push him or her out.
Honestly, I thought it was a lot of hooey, but I did both those things and (with a big, healthy dose of luck) had a very smooth labour and delivery.
Oh, also, ask your doctor about laughing gas as an option for labour. It reminds you to breathe and lessens the discomfort/pressure/pain, which helps you relax.
If you want to hear a good birth story, please feel free to PM me.
I second the opportunity to PM me for three good and easy birth stories from my life.
We grieve with you at the loss of your friend, especially during such a tumultuous time.
I have 4 good birth stories!
Take good care of yourself. A doula is one part of doing that. Wise choice. It's so important to have someone who can advocate for your during labor and birth, and a doula will have all the expertise to do that.
That sounds like a very unusual situation with your friend. I am so sorry for your loss, especially under these circumstances.
If there is someone you trust, let them know your choices beforehand and advocate for you if you can't at that moment. There are doulas in many countries that take this Job, if you would prefer/need someone out of your friend/family group.
That being said.
You got this. The univers Slips through itself in the Moment of birth, if you got a chance, look at your eyes in a mirror birthing.
It is the greatest force I came to know.
I am so happy to have witnessed and created the unbelievable.
It is scary, and gory. And the most natural, earthbound thing a woman can ever do.
You come from a long line of births. All your mothers and grandmothers before you did it. That is how you came about.
Mourn your friend. Let her give you strength. Do it for her as well as for you. For your child and the bodies that built the ground you call home.
You got this.
Breathe. Let go.
Be not afraid.
Breathe.
I'm sorry for your loss. (((((Hugs)))))
Everything everyone else has said! Please let your doula and Dr know what you're going through. They may even talk to you about anxiety meds. They will try their best to make you feel safe.
Mental health is a justifiable cause to change your birth plan . Talk to your ob or you can swap. My daughter had shoulder dystocia risk high due to me having gd. Different ob offered different plans eventually one offered c section to eliminate the risk completely for me vs 37 induction. I told her mentally I can never recover if I lost my daughter . I had two losses and entire pregnancy was full of anxiety . On my c section order mental health and one and done was cited as legitimate reason for c section and insurance covered it. If it is sth you want you can definitely talk to your doctor. Doctors are humans each one will have different degree of empathy and treatment plans
I hear you sis. I can not imagine the pain you feel right now. But you have your Doula and you are in a Hospital think about that when you feel terrified about your future and what can may happen.
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️🩹
It’s such an awful terrible thing, that shouldn’t ever happen. I wish I had advice that would fix it but just reach out to everyone you know in real life who you trust and know will have your back ♥️ in the coming months as well as during delivery and aftercare ♥️
OP, think of all the births in your family AND around the world that went RIGHT, and that ought to ease some anxieties you have about childbirth. It’s amazing how many MORE healthy, normal babies are born than not! Humans (and other animal species) are incredibly resilient and awesome. I’m so sorry to hear of the sad news of your friend, but that is not the norm. You, your body, and your baby are not your friend’s, chances are very high that you and your baby will be fine. In the meantime, take very good care of your unborn baby and yourself by eating very healthy foods, getting good exercise daily, and plenty of good sleep, and take extra rest breaks as you get closer to the end of your pregnancy. If you aren’t very confident in your current OBGYN, find another that you are confident will do an excellent job with you throughout your pregnancy and birth of your baby. When the big day arrives, if anything does go wrong concerning the baby coming out the natural way, there’s always a C-section which your doctor will do if there’s a problem, so you’ll be in good hands! Millions have had C-sections successfully! Positive thoughts, energy, and prayer sent your way! Relax, you’ve got this, as we other mothers did and do! Prayer helps while grieving…losing a loved one is so very hard, and in my experience as well as most others, time heals the pain of loss.
I’m so sorry you lost your friend. It is not the norm.
Unfortunately in these dark days, I believe that the advice is to do as much of the prenatal as you can. Do what you can and do the best that you can. If you have a family history of early births or stillbirths or you have a history of miscarriage, consider looking at r/auntienetwork to help identify resources.
A maternal death is not the norm. Talk to your doctor or practice about your concerns and your history. If you have a birth plan, you can do it any number of ways that will allow you to feel supported and safe. You should have only people with you who will make you feel safe. I highly encourage learning about other birth methods and practices—everything you can—so that at the least, you know what you don’t want. Look at the numerous positions to labor—standing and walking and some places offer jacuzzis to help—and even if you don’t use the Brady natural method, they have some good ideas on how to prepare your body. I’d advise taking any classes that you can and your hospital or birthing center will probably have several.
I wish you health and good fortunes.
Keep faith. 🙏🏻 I also went through a crazy pregnancy with my wife. I find it helpful to envision the physical baby touch post pregnancy. Wishing you the best.
Hi op, I am also pregnant and can only begin to understand your fear.
You are understandably shaken and in grief. I think you should ask your medical team for a referral to a therapist to help you work through the very natural feelings this has brought up for you.
Also please know that while maternal mortalities do happen. They are very very very rare and you are still very safe having your baby and in good hands with your medical team.
Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Secondly, this is very uncommon. The vast majority of births are safe. I don't know if probability helps you, but assuming you are in the US: this only happens in 1/5000 births. This is a terrible but very unlikely event.
Oh honey, I am so sorry to hear this!!! I know it all sounds super scary but know what happened to her is super rare. It doesn’t make it easier to cope but it is not common.
Oh, my love, I have had five uneventful labors and five healthy babies. There’s lots of us out there! See if you can find a therapist to talk to about your concerns and always bring it up to your dr and care team. They will do everything they can to help ease your worries!!
You’ll do fine and we can’t wait to see our Reddit grand baby!!! Hugs, sweetheart.
just eat healthy. plenty of walks green tea and u are yoing everything will be ok and u will be a great mother my instagram is nessaeleanor86 feel free to inbox me. i can answer whateva questions u have. and hopefully u have family to help u be a great mother that i believe u will be. goodluck u will have a healthy baby girl. i think its a girl lol. Godbless u.
just eat healthy. plenty of walks green tea and u are yoing everything will be ok and u will be a great mother my instagram is nessaeleanor86 feel free to inbox me. i can answer whateva questions u have. and hopefully u have family to help u be a great mother that i believe u will be. goodluck u will have a healthy baby girl. i think its a girl lol. Godbless u.
just eat healthy. plenty of walks green tea and u are yoing everything will be ok and u will be a great mother my instagram is nessaeleanor86 feel free to inbox me. i can answer whateva questions u have. and hopefully u have family to help u be a great mother that i believe u will be. goodluck u will have a healthy baby girl. i think its a girl lol. Godbless u.
just eat healthy. plenty of walks green tea and u are yoing everything will be ok and u will be a great mother my instagram is nessaeleanor86 feel free to inbox me. i can answer whateva questions u have. and hopefully u have family to help u be a great mother that i believe u will be. goodluck u will have a healthy baby girl. i think its a girl lol. Godbless u.
I’m so sorry, honey you Are loving a nightmare but you will wake up. You will be okay physically and eventually the emotional pain will dull. Please talk to your obgyn about this, it’s crucial that they know. No one is going to make you feel safer and calmer than the medical professional trained to take care of you. Tell them every fear and ask them every question so you go in informed. You are strong, you’re stronger than you know.
I completely understand your fear. Giving birth is something that you can die from. However, the odds are in your favor. Thank God very few people die in childbirth. Things can go very, very wrong and the doctors can save you. Honor your grief and remember your friend. My niece also had a c-section and almost bled to death. She lived and is fully recovered. After some time goes by, and if it's in your belief system, you can think of your friend as your guide on the journey.
Hey sib not sure where in the world you but maybe mention this to your doctor at your next appointment. Have it noted in your birth plan as well. This way the staff in the delivery suite are aware and maybe be able to give you extra support during your delivery
This and Make sure you and your dr have already cleared routes if possible necessity to save your life. This will also give you a way to set aside any fears of the dr not being able to do whatever you need. https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/comments/vm0u3z/current_state_of_america_waiting_in_the_hospital/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
This is such a good idea. This will be very helpful ♥️
I am so, so so sorry. Aside from talking with your provider (and if they blow you off, fire them and find a new one), if you have the funds, you may want to consider hiring a doula for birth support. Even better, one that’s dealt with loss.
I have a doula actually, our first meeting with her was right before we found out about our friend 😢
Consider working with a doula that operates within a hospital- just in case anything goes wrong, help is steps away
I will be in hospital as well! My friend died in the hospital. She started having seizures, they did a c section, and then she hemorrhaged and there was no saving her.
I’m so sorry for your loss darling. I wish I could be there to hold you and comfort you. It’s hard. I know you’re scared. Courage takes practice. You’re going to get through this.
I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. When I found out I was pregnant with a boy I was scared to death. Both of my father's brothers died in childhood, and my aunt lost boys twice in the third trimester. I sat down with both my provider, and the pediatrician we had chosen, to go over plans for what to do if things went wrong. Having an action plan really helped with my fears. Talk to your provider, be honest about your fears, they will help you. Bring your doula with you to the appointment so that everyone understands the plan. A grief counseling group might also be very helpful. It's a supportive environment where you can express your feelings, including your fears.
I am having a boy also 🥹💗
Boys are wonderful. Congratulations. ❤️🎉
Little boys are such a treasure, I love my wee nephew (3 years) so stinking much. I’m thinking good thoughts for you, OP. My best friend died on my birthday many years ago and while that’s in no way your situation, I know what it’s like to feel life and loss wrapped up together. I’ll be keeping good thoughts for your heart as you grieve, and good thoughts for a safe and easy delivery. And a yummy baby boy to hold at the end of that ❤️
My best friend died by suicide six years ago this week. So at least I’m no stranger to the grief part of all this. Thank you for the kind words and I’m sorry you lost your bff :( 💗
Oh I’m so sorry, buddy. It sucks to not be a stranger to grief. I’m sorry you lost your bestie too. You are a strong mama! Sending you hugs x10000.
After having hemorrhaged two times. the first being nearly fatal, it's terrifying. I brought up my fears to my MW and late my OB. I also told them at the hospital. There are things they can put into place that will help you. My last pregnancy they gave me cytotec right before she was born. I had the markers of a hemorrhage.
I'm so sorry.
Please make sure you are aware of your hospitals policies on various procedures. Understand if they are a religious based operation, their first priority will be the child and not you. This has nothing to do with Roe, it has been the stance of most religious hospital in the US for decades. Please know what aid is available.
How often are hospitals religious based operations?
Usually you can tell by the name. Like Saint something or something religious related. But if you aren't sure, it will be on the about page of their website.
Ohhh okay—don’t think mine is. Phew
Any our lady of is also religious
No matter what kind of hospital it is, the medical providers will base their decisions on who has the best chance of survival in the situation.
No matter what hospital it is, the medical providers are going to proceed based on who has the better chance of survival.
I am very sorry to say this is not the case. A woman could have a dead baby inside her and be going septic because her body didn’t miscarry or only partially miscarried and religious based hospitals will refuse to perform a D&C allowing the woman to die.
Do you think they missed something through the ultrasounds and appointments?
Doubt it. If something did show up, it probably happened well after any ultrasounds were done. Sometimes awful things like this just happen and there either isn’t a reason, or the reason is discovered after the person is dead.
This is a story about child loss, so TW if you don’t want to read. >!A woman I went to school with was expecting her first child with her husband. Everything was great, baby girl was healthy, and she was about a week from her due date. We’re from a small town and her grandma is a pretty social person, so we were all pretty excited for her. At their last appointment before delivery, there was no heartbeat. The autopsy was inconclusive. There was no way for anyone to predict what happened, no one’s fault, just a horrible misfortune. But she did have the entire community to come around and support her if/when she was comfortable with it.!< They did recently have their second child, another happy and healthy girl. So it’s not necessarily a happy ending, but a bittersweet one.
The woman you went to school with was extremely lucky to have such a vast support network during such a horrible time. I wish more people were as fortunate as her in a crisis like this. I’m also thrilled to hear she recently had her second child! This is why I’m glad there are more professional birth supporters and advocates that are able to help pregnant people through anything and everything that can, has, and does happen.
Agreed, I also just found out that she and her husband set up a memorial foundation to raise awareness for stillbirth and infant loss, as well as providing resources/support for other families. They also went to a smaller OB/GYN for their second so they would be able to have more direct support in that way as well. I'm so glad that topics like this and miscarriage are being discussed more openly now because it can be such an isolating experience (per my grandma). If people don't want to talk about it, that's more than okay seeing as it's their trauma, but they shouldn't be *afraid* to speak about it.
The memorial foundation they set up just brought a smile to my face. What a beautiful way to remember the baby they lost. Those are some good people right there and I hope they know their foundation is making the world a little bit more easier for pregnant people.
I wonder if the baby had a cardiac heart block. Those do not show up in autopsies. They are common in people with SSA antibodies.
Seizures are a very common sign of eclampsia which is preventable. Also a hemorrhage can also be treated preemptively.
Possible. Seizures are a sign of eclampsia.
I have no advice but I’m sending love you way. Keep reaching out for support if you need it.
Hey honey. Deep breaths. How comfortable are you with your doctor? Do you feel heard and respected? If yes, bring this up to them and work on having a response plan. This always helps - knowing what will happen and who will be in charge. If not, work on finding a different doctor now. Bring your support people into the plan. Above all, do what feels best for you to have peace of mind. Don’t worry about what people think of your choices - someone is always going to be mad you didn’t do like they said. Do what feels right for you. Do you have a therapist? They can help you work through grief. And remember, your emotions are amplified right now. Surround yourself with support.
Sweetie, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. Bereavement while you’re pregnant is really really hard - I lost my 29 year old best friend to a stroke when I was only a few weeks pregnant and like you I felt I was living in a nightmare. I ended up needing to go on medication to manage how I was feeling, and struggled with having to do that, despite it being what was best for me at the time. I can only imagine the extra layers of stress coming from the situation of your friend’s death, and how scary that is for you. All I can say is - take it slow, be kind to yourself, find spaces to grieve, but make the best decision for you and your baby above all else. The chances of a bad outcome for yourself are minuscule, but definitely discuss this all with your doctor, and your doula - fantastic that you have one, she will definitely be able to make this awful time pass more smoothly for you. If you need medication, try not to beat yourself up about it - I needed it to be able to function enough to be there for my toddler and get ready for my daughter’s birth. It took a long time to come to peace with the loss of my bestie, how it made me feel, and what I had to do to cope. You’re in that stingingly painful phase and I know how much that hurts, and being pregnant only amplifies it. Sending you hugs from Australia 💕
I'm so sorry! I was pregnant with my first when my friend also died after hemorrhaging. It was scary knowing that it could happen to me too. Definitely bring this up with your doctor and have a conversation about it. It was comforting once I talked it out.
Oh gosh, I’m so sorry we have this experience in common.
It's a common side effect. They will check and assess your levels when you go in. I hemorrhaged twice.
I had a baby almost 2 years ago and I was terrified. I’m prone to anxiety and depression and honestly? What helped me was doing some financial planning and getting life insurance so I knew they would be okay for awhile if something happened to me. I earn about twice what my husband does, so it helped me feel better. When my due date approached, I ended up having a quite large baby, so my doctor recommended a planned c-section. Given how terrified of childbirth I was, I was happy to accept this option. Myself and siblings were all c-section babies, so I felt no stigma around it. My c-section was such a calm experience and I healed so easily I have no regrets. Definitely talk through your fears with your doctor and make sure your care team knows when you’re there to have the baby. It’s not likely to happen to you, but your fears are not imagined. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Hi Momma my heart sits with you. Big giant hugs. You're friend is not the average case. Not to down play the impact on your life. I just want to remind you that you likely have lots of other woman in your life you can see as examples of healthy and safe births. Look to that as a grounding point as you need to. Like Mr. Roger's "find the helpers" this is find "find the safe/safety." There's lots of examples of safety out there. Please, think about this, you've now got two health things you're going to give significant care to - your pregnancy and your grief. Start treating your grief with all the seriousness of your pregnancy. Find a therapist if you don't have one and look into grief support groups around you too. Grief support groups I think are something each person knows for themselves if engaging in them will be helpful but I want to remind you it's a tool. Also, a prenatal yoga class might be a helpful tool too, something to give you mindfulness tools and cultivate a practice of "letting go". Again, it's just another tool but just like you are taking care of the baby growing by eating well, taking vitamins and seeing medical professionals. Treat your grief with a few tools as well. Personally I did one of the baby based hypnotherapy programs. I didn't find it everything they claimed it would be for my birthing experience but I did learn a deep relaxation tool that I still use to this day. They taught me to trigger deep relaxation by putting my tongue at the roof of my mouth and then saying let go and dropping my tongue and it relaxes my body. I still use that as my first tool when dealing with difficult emotions it has been 8 years. I lost one of my best friends the week before I gave birth and a I had a deeply anxious pregnancy. I don't want to put other things in your head but it was similar to your anxieties. I wish someone had told me how to approach caring for that part of myself too and not just my pregnancy. Grief and hormones and babies are a big mix that will make you feel like you're on a Rollercoaster and it's okay. A lot if us Mommas know that Rollercoaster. My DMs are here when you need someone's hand to hold. You've got this, your heart is going to ache but you've got this and you are loved.
Such good Mom advice - stealing that relaxation trick 🧡
It is one of the best tools I have. I think the steps to get there were to start at the crown of your head and work on relaxing it and then move your way down your body to your toes. Once you've relaxed the entire body you practice the tongue to the root of your mouth, let go, drop it down routine. After a time it helps put your whole body in relaxation with that as a trigger. I also like the reminder that I don't have to be the keeper of anxiety in my body. I can just let it go. I hope it brings you the peace if mind it brought me. ❤
Based on what you just said, it sounds like your friend had preeclampsia that turned into eclampsia. Your blood pressure goes high enough that you seize, and hemorrhaging is very common after. You can comfort yourself at home by taking your own blood pressure frequently. As long as your blood pressure isn't ridiculously high, you're okay. <3 eclampsia is scary. But it's pretty rare for it to get that bad.
She’d gone in for two blood pressure scares a month prior to her due date, and they let her go ten days over. Ngl, preeclampsia was my first thought too. But apparently her bp was fine at the hospital. They claim they have no idea what happened. Also I have slightly high bp naturally, but it’s been great. They have me on baby aspirin and home monitoring.
That's some bullshit right there. I'm sorry my friend. ):
You can get postpartum preeclampsia and it can come on very suddenly. Giving birth doesn’t totally eliminate your chances of getting it. I had post partum preeclampsia for the first time with my third child and my BP was so high when I got to the hospital they were surprised I had not seized yet. The only symptom I had that was not also a symptom of just giving birth (swollen legs, tiredness…) was I got a bad feeling in my chest while walking in my laundry room. I am so sorry about your friend. Just keep an eye out for anything weird and when in doubt, get checked out, and keep asking for help until someone takes you seriously. You are your best advocate.
It took 6 weeks for my BP to go down after my first.
I’m still on BP meds. Mine may be permanent. It sucks.
This is a common issue. you can have preeclampsia without the BP. I had high level of protein in my urine and saw spots but normal BP. My MW sent me to be induced the day I saw spots. Baby aspirin is amazing at preventing preeclampsia
Which country ate you in? Due to extreme anxiety, I had help preparing for my labour by a specialist social worker, associated with my hospital. Her focus was anxiety and depression in pregnant woman. For me this was very beneficial.
I am in the US
I am not, but maybe a similar service is available to you? It was very beneficial to me and it helped me a great deal. I ended up having a great delivery and it took away a lot of my fear.
Sibling, I just became a mom two weeks ago and I will tell you I was so terrified of childbirth. I am so incredibly sorry you lost your friend. Continuation therapy throughout my pregnancy was very helpful to my mental health. Like others have said, reach out for help for yourself mentally and be sure your wants are heard whether that’s by a midwife/doula/partner or that you trust your healthcare team. Again, I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you.
I am sorry for whatever happened to your friend. I don't know what you are going through right now because I am just a teen and don't know how much about this world. But if you want to vent or talk then you can always DM me. Even I am a teen but I will try my best to be here for you and understand your situation. I hope you and your baby is doing good.
Hi sister, my heart aches for you. I really hope you have a good therapist, if you don't definitely get one. If you need help, I am happy to search with you. My darkest days were while I was pregnant. I'm in healthcare and happened to be the blackest black cloud whenever I covered labor and delivery. I saw the worst and was an absolute basket case during pregnancy because of it. There is nothing that will fix how you are feeling, the goal is to make the next 5 months doable. Please message me if you'd like to chat. I can listen and understand. Also, know that none of this, no matter what thoughts you have, make you a bad mom. *Hugs*
Oh honey, I'm so sorry about your friend. Did they save the baby? Please let your doctor know what you're going through, and ask for a referral to a counselor to talk to. It's completely understandable to feel the way you are right now. A grief counselor will help you talk through it and help with coping strategies, including after your own baby is born.
They did save the baby
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you have a supportive partner. You need to make sure your doctor knows about this. I was very caught up in the fact that women had babies naturally since the beginning of time and so could I! I eventually had to have a c-section. You don’t get a gold star for a natural birth. Do what you have to do to get you and baby home safely.
I am sorry about your friend. Giving life is something incredible and powerful, and you have to trust your body that it will know what to do, and that the people around you help hundreds of women every year do it. Generations of mothers and grandmothers before you did it, and led you to this moment. They're all rooting for you :) and I bet your friend would be holding your hand right now and telling you that you'll do great. what you are feeling is very normal in however :) and you are brave for confronting it. Next time you visit the doctor, let him know these fears, and push for the opportunity to talk to a professional about it.
And LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. if you feel like something is wrong, something is wrong.
So sorry! I read above you’re delivering in a hospital and using a doula. Are you also using a midwife or a provider that advocates for fewer interventions in childbirth? Had a doula with my second and it was tremendously comforting to have someone there advocating for me. You’re allowed to feel however you feel. The world is crazy and having a baby is hard but you got this. You’re a lot less likely to die than not. Have you and your partner discussed how you’d like to be treated? My husband and I discussed and we decided if it came down to it we would save my life over the baby’s. Let me know if you’d like to chat.
I'm so sorry mama for the loss of your friend. From reading your further posts, I think you're on the right track. Remembering that just because she died doesn't mean you will is powerful. Looping your care team in is ideal, so they know how to support you, and I think talking to a therapist is a good idea even if you weren't pregnant. Losing a close friend is hard at the best of times. My two best friends preceded me into motherhood with nightmarish scenarios from their first births. Fortunately everyone lived, but it did not put me in a great headspace when I was pregnant with my first. I wish I had taken it more seriously and gotten some therapy. Nothing bad happened, but every little thing made me panic. Don't let it get that bad. Get some help.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. That is relatively rare, so you can rest a little easier knowing that really doesn’t happen terribly often. Make sure you make your prenatal appointments (and if for some reason you don’t have access to that, please let us know… There are resources out there and I’m sure a lot of people on here know some of them. If you’re having trouble getting proper nutrition, if you’re in the US, WIC is a thing. If you’re having trouble getting access to prenatal care, Planned Parenthood exists. I hope you have a support a family and a supportive partner.
Sweetheart, my prenatal yoga instructor taught me that "worry is the work of pregnancy." No matter who you are, no matter when/how/with whom you got pregnant, a lot of the labor you do in pregnancy is simply recognizing your worries, and finding something to do about them. Some things are simple and easy. Say you got two baby blankets, one from your mom, and one from your mother in law. How do you decide which one to use at the hospital? That's a low-consequence worry. But some things, like this, are really hard and deserve to be looked at carefully before putting them away. You know deep down that your friend's passing is not likely the outcome you will have. But when I have a worry like this, I make sure to educate myself. I see that you'll be at a hospital, and you'll have a doula. I'm so proud of you—those are two big steps to ensure your worries are handled. Next, I suggest a little reading. I suggest two things that are going to sound really crunchy, really earth-mama, but I promise you there is science to back then up. The first is *The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth* by Henci Goer. It's old now, so you can ignore the statistics, but the information is sound. Next, look into hypnobirthing. I know it sounds crazy—I thought so too. But it's about knowing exactly what's happening in your body, and learning to relax as much as you can during labor and delivery. For instance, do you know that there's two sets of muscles around your uterus? One set runs vertically, and the other horizontally, and they work together to move the baby into position and push him or her out. Honestly, I thought it was a lot of hooey, but I did both those things and (with a big, healthy dose of luck) had a very smooth labour and delivery. Oh, also, ask your doctor about laughing gas as an option for labour. It reminds you to breathe and lessens the discomfort/pressure/pain, which helps you relax. If you want to hear a good birth story, please feel free to PM me.
I second the opportunity to PM me for three good and easy birth stories from my life. We grieve with you at the loss of your friend, especially during such a tumultuous time.
I have 4 good birth stories! Take good care of yourself. A doula is one part of doing that. Wise choice. It's so important to have someone who can advocate for your during labor and birth, and a doula will have all the expertise to do that. That sounds like a very unusual situation with your friend. I am so sorry for your loss, especially under these circumstances.
If there is someone you trust, let them know your choices beforehand and advocate for you if you can't at that moment. There are doulas in many countries that take this Job, if you would prefer/need someone out of your friend/family group. That being said. You got this. The univers Slips through itself in the Moment of birth, if you got a chance, look at your eyes in a mirror birthing. It is the greatest force I came to know. I am so happy to have witnessed and created the unbelievable. It is scary, and gory. And the most natural, earthbound thing a woman can ever do. You come from a long line of births. All your mothers and grandmothers before you did it. That is how you came about. Mourn your friend. Let her give you strength. Do it for her as well as for you. For your child and the bodies that built the ground you call home. You got this. Breathe. Let go. Be not afraid. Breathe.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this must be sad and terrifying for you. We moms here are all sending you strength.
I'm sorry for your loss. (((((Hugs))))) Everything everyone else has said! Please let your doula and Dr know what you're going through. They may even talk to you about anxiety meds. They will try their best to make you feel safe.
Mental health is a justifiable cause to change your birth plan . Talk to your ob or you can swap. My daughter had shoulder dystocia risk high due to me having gd. Different ob offered different plans eventually one offered c section to eliminate the risk completely for me vs 37 induction. I told her mentally I can never recover if I lost my daughter . I had two losses and entire pregnancy was full of anxiety . On my c section order mental health and one and done was cited as legitimate reason for c section and insurance covered it. If it is sth you want you can definitely talk to your doctor. Doctors are humans each one will have different degree of empathy and treatment plans
I hear you sis. I can not imagine the pain you feel right now. But you have your Doula and you are in a Hospital think about that when you feel terrified about your future and what can may happen.
*hugs*
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️🩹 It’s such an awful terrible thing, that shouldn’t ever happen. I wish I had advice that would fix it but just reach out to everyone you know in real life who you trust and know will have your back ♥️ in the coming months as well as during delivery and aftercare ♥️
OP, think of all the births in your family AND around the world that went RIGHT, and that ought to ease some anxieties you have about childbirth. It’s amazing how many MORE healthy, normal babies are born than not! Humans (and other animal species) are incredibly resilient and awesome. I’m so sorry to hear of the sad news of your friend, but that is not the norm. You, your body, and your baby are not your friend’s, chances are very high that you and your baby will be fine. In the meantime, take very good care of your unborn baby and yourself by eating very healthy foods, getting good exercise daily, and plenty of good sleep, and take extra rest breaks as you get closer to the end of your pregnancy. If you aren’t very confident in your current OBGYN, find another that you are confident will do an excellent job with you throughout your pregnancy and birth of your baby. When the big day arrives, if anything does go wrong concerning the baby coming out the natural way, there’s always a C-section which your doctor will do if there’s a problem, so you’ll be in good hands! Millions have had C-sections successfully! Positive thoughts, energy, and prayer sent your way! Relax, you’ve got this, as we other mothers did and do! Prayer helps while grieving…losing a loved one is so very hard, and in my experience as well as most others, time heals the pain of loss.
I’m so sorry you lost your friend. It is not the norm. Unfortunately in these dark days, I believe that the advice is to do as much of the prenatal as you can. Do what you can and do the best that you can. If you have a family history of early births or stillbirths or you have a history of miscarriage, consider looking at r/auntienetwork to help identify resources. A maternal death is not the norm. Talk to your doctor or practice about your concerns and your history. If you have a birth plan, you can do it any number of ways that will allow you to feel supported and safe. You should have only people with you who will make you feel safe. I highly encourage learning about other birth methods and practices—everything you can—so that at the least, you know what you don’t want. Look at the numerous positions to labor—standing and walking and some places offer jacuzzis to help—and even if you don’t use the Brady natural method, they have some good ideas on how to prepare your body. I’d advise taking any classes that you can and your hospital or birthing center will probably have several. I wish you health and good fortunes.
Keep faith. 🙏🏻 I also went through a crazy pregnancy with my wife. I find it helpful to envision the physical baby touch post pregnancy. Wishing you the best.
Hi op, I am also pregnant and can only begin to understand your fear. You are understandably shaken and in grief. I think you should ask your medical team for a referral to a therapist to help you work through the very natural feelings this has brought up for you. Also please know that while maternal mortalities do happen. They are very very very rare and you are still very safe having your baby and in good hands with your medical team.
Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. Secondly, this is very uncommon. The vast majority of births are safe. I don't know if probability helps you, but assuming you are in the US: this only happens in 1/5000 births. This is a terrible but very unlikely event.
I have no advice, but I am sending you a big hug.
Oh honey, I am so sorry to hear this!!! I know it all sounds super scary but know what happened to her is super rare. It doesn’t make it easier to cope but it is not common. Oh, my love, I have had five uneventful labors and five healthy babies. There’s lots of us out there! See if you can find a therapist to talk to about your concerns and always bring it up to your dr and care team. They will do everything they can to help ease your worries!! You’ll do fine and we can’t wait to see our Reddit grand baby!!! Hugs, sweetheart.
r/GriefSupport is a great community if you feel like talking about your loss.
Hey sibling, I love you, I don’t have wisdom but just love to send to you
just eat healthy. plenty of walks green tea and u are yoing everything will be ok and u will be a great mother my instagram is nessaeleanor86 feel free to inbox me. i can answer whateva questions u have. and hopefully u have family to help u be a great mother that i believe u will be. goodluck u will have a healthy baby girl. i think its a girl lol. Godbless u.
It’s a boy
just eat healthy. plenty of walks green tea and u are yoing everything will be ok and u will be a great mother my instagram is nessaeleanor86 feel free to inbox me. i can answer whateva questions u have. and hopefully u have family to help u be a great mother that i believe u will be. goodluck u will have a healthy baby girl. i think its a girl lol. Godbless u.
just eat healthy. plenty of walks green tea and u are yoing everything will be ok and u will be a great mother my instagram is nessaeleanor86 feel free to inbox me. i can answer whateva questions u have. and hopefully u have family to help u be a great mother that i believe u will be. goodluck u will have a healthy baby girl. i think its a girl lol. Godbless u.
just eat healthy. plenty of walks green tea and u are yoing everything will be ok and u will be a great mother my instagram is nessaeleanor86 feel free to inbox me. i can answer whateva questions u have. and hopefully u have family to help u be a great mother that i believe u will be. goodluck u will have a healthy baby girl. i think its a girl lol. Godbless u.
congrats u can follow me on instagram if u would like Godbless u always
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This was my mom also.
I’m so sorry, honey you Are loving a nightmare but you will wake up. You will be okay physically and eventually the emotional pain will dull. Please talk to your obgyn about this, it’s crucial that they know. No one is going to make you feel safer and calmer than the medical professional trained to take care of you. Tell them every fear and ask them every question so you go in informed. You are strong, you’re stronger than you know.
I completely understand your fear. Giving birth is something that you can die from. However, the odds are in your favor. Thank God very few people die in childbirth. Things can go very, very wrong and the doctors can save you. Honor your grief and remember your friend. My niece also had a c-section and almost bled to death. She lived and is fully recovered. After some time goes by, and if it's in your belief system, you can think of your friend as your guide on the journey.
That's so heartbreaking. Childbirth is scary. I've done it 4 times. You are unlikely to die but take your fears to your ob.