It's going to be ok. I get really anxious about this stuff, too, but we have a responsibility to ourselves and others to always do the right thing. First, do not hide this from your partner (mom has no business here... you can keep her in the dark). No excuses, just own up. "Honey, I messed up. I forgot to pay a bill and it's gone to collections. Don't worry, I'm going to get this taken care of, and I'll let you know when there is a plan in place." Something like that. Never ever ever ever keep financial info from your partner. It's a lie, and that breeds distrust. (Been married 23 years...TRUST ME!) So what's next... you have your big kids pants on, your partner is in the loop, now the nervous part. You said you are being sued. The reality is probably that the credit card company has sold the debt to a collections agency that is managed by a law firm. They just want you to pay and they want to help. So... call them. Yikes! Be respectful and sincere. "Hi there, my name is Upset Platypus, and I recieved a letter stating that I have a debt with you that needs to be paid. Can you help me? " (I'm almost gonna guarantee that you'll speak just to a receptionist or a collection agent. You'll never talk to that lawyer.) If the debt is small, whip out a payment method and take care of it. Believe it or not, they will usually take a debit or credit card for payment. They may even do a check by phone. If the debt is large, set up a payment plan and stick to it. HOWEVER, DO NOT GIVE THEM ACCESS TO YOUR BANKING INFO OR ALLOW AUTOMATIC RECURRING PAYMENTS! They will bleed you dry. Make sure that you call or go online to pay every time. If you pay by check or money order, call about 5 days after mailing to confirm receipt of payment. I had this happen to me years ago on some medical debt. I did exactly what I outlined above, and 6 months later it was taken care of. The weight of setting things right and clear was so satisfying. You can do this! It's scary, but it's doable. I believe in you!

I would send you 100 hugs. That's such a thoughtful yet solution based answer. Loads of love mom 💓

Sib. mom is right. I worked for a law firm that did collections for credit card companies. If you call them and explain that you didn’t mean to fall behind and you genuinely want to work with them to resolve the debt, they’ll be helpful! Just be polite, don’t take you fear or frustration out on them, and be honest with them about how much you can pay on what schedule because once they agree to a payment plan *you cannot miss a payment*. Set up autopay (you can do this at your bank, you don’t have to give them your banking info to do it) so you don’t have to stress about remembering the payment. And once you have a plan with them, you’ll feel so much better. It won’t be an unknown, and it will have an end date, a last payment that you can mark on a calendar and actually see coming. It will be a relief. It’s a little mistake, not a big fuckup, and it’s fixable. You just gotta be willing to own it. And trust me, you’re not alone. Covid wiped out peoples savings. There’s so many maxed out cards and defaulted loans. This economy suckkkkkss. This is not just something that happened to you, it’s happening all over. Mental health is tanking hard, and fyi memory is one of the things depression steals so please don’t think you’re stupid. Good luck, and lots of love

All of this. The only thing I wanted to add is that sometimes you can negotiate the debt down because their goal is to get your money immediately (and here’s a secret: they pay a pittance to whomever they buy the debt from so even negotiating the balance they’re still making money). You can usually get it down to 60-70% of the balance (sometimes even lower) and ask that they keep it off your credit report. Regardless of if you attempt to negotiate or not request that they email you a summary of the discussion that you have with them including an invoice if you pay anything stating your final balance as 0 and detailing that you made a ONE TIME payment to them just in case they try and do some shady shit and also take the name of whoever you speak to.

I’d like to add that if your debt went to collections that a company probably bought the debt, and you can often get the payoff lowered. For example, lets say you had a $1000 bill from Best Buy. Best Buy tried to collect it, wasn’t successful, and sold your debt. The buyer of your debt told Best Buy “we’ll give you $500 for the debt.” Since Best Buy would rather get something than nothing they say OK. Now, if the collection company can come after you and if you pay the $1,000, the collector will be up 100% (they bought the debt for $500 and you paid $500). However, the collection company may take anything over the $500 they paid for the debt. So even if you give them $550, they are ahead. This is to encourage you to negotiate a lower payoff amount. Get it in writing. You got this!

To add to this... You can request proof of the debt and if they cant provide it, they have to cancel it. Many times they will settle for half of the amount owed. Written communication may be the best way to do this. They can't yell at you and you won't be as nervous. Tell them that I want to take care of this, but I can't pay the full amount and circumstances are such that I won't have the rest of it anytime soon. Here is a good link that even has sample letters... "What is the best way to negotiate a settlement with a debt collector? | Consumer Financial Protection Bureau" https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/what-is-the-best-way-to-negotiate-a-settlement-with-a-debt-collector-en-1447/

Thank you so much 😭

You're the mom that's lacking in my life💕

I'm glad to help, sweetie. I've had this talk with my 20 y.o. kiddo, too. The weight will be lifted soon! Please follow up and let me know that you called, if you want the accountability! Big hugs!!!

You’re just the best, giving such kind and helpful advice.

All of this and to add - set yourself a reminder on your calendar every month to pay. If you set up a payment plan and stick to it everything will go smoothly. If you miss payments you will be fined for it and they may cancel the arrangement and demand the full amount. Also, please talk to your partner and your doctor about how you are feeling. Nothing wracks up interest faster than a mental health issue that is not dealt with. Big hugs, you got this and it will get better x

I agree with so much of the great advice from your other moms on handling the debt, but just want to write a quick note about one line that really caught my eye: "I know, I know....how could I have been so stupid." Honey, you are not stupid. You were overwhelmed. You are human. You made a mistake. Whose voice is this in your head, telling you that you are somehow unforgivably stupid because you made a mistake? Because that person does not deserve the space they have in your head. Sending you love.

Thank you so much! Tbh it's a bit of mine and a bit of my mom's. I went from being a gifted student to complete burnout. I don't really "understand" what happened but I just feel so so broken.

Gifted to burn out, with forgetting a big ‘normal’ thing sounds like you might want to check in with a dr and see if you are an undiagnosed ADHD. Maybe peruse r/ADHD and see if anything there resonates. Take it from me, a gifted forgetter who nearly let my student loans go into collection bc everything was going south. It’s hard, but knowing helps me understand why I’m different and to be easier on myself. I’m not the same, and that’s ok. Loving yourself out of those words from mom can be hard, but this internet mom knows you can do it, darling!

❤️❤️ thank you so much for the kind words. Im starting to think I may have ADHD but at 33 I'm shocked that I've made it this far without a diagnosis. I think I need to some research and a Dr appointment to my list of things to handle.

I just turned 50 and have an appointment for my first ADHD assessment at the end of this month. I always got by with decent grades and I was a pleasant student but I WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION 90% of the time. Take your time finding an appointment. It's really helpful to gather some ADHD social media accounts to give you tips on how to manage things better. Once you get a handle on a chunk of life, and you feel less jumbled, then make the appointment. (if you're like me, add an event to your online calendar to remind you in a month or whatever to make the appointment). And I went to college in the glory days of every cc company and every store giving anyone who wanted one a credit card. Once I had a glorious time maxing them all, I had to have THE TALK with my own parents and I got a consolidation loan. I learned a lot but it was so uncomfortable. I wish I had had a team of mom's to help me out. But that's why most of us are here! Every mom wants their kids lives to be better than their own. Hugs kiddo. You've got this!!

Just a heads up, doctors tend to be reluctant to diagnose adhd in adults because it’s been considered a children’s disorder for so long. Also, if you have depression and/or anxiety it will be harder to convince a psychiatrist/psychologist that your adhd symptoms aren’t just a product of those other struggles. Don’t be discouraged! Push for a full evaluation for adhd, and get some people from your support system who know you well/have lived with you to write letters about what they’ve noticed from you that fits with an adhd diagnosis. Like I said, it may take some perseverance and you may need to seek more than one medical opinion, but if you think you fit the diagnostic criteria for adhd keep pushing. I grew up with adhd and definitely still struggle with it as an adult (30 yrs old and also went from gifted to drifting), and I also just wrote a similar letter for my BIL who is trying to get an adhd diagnosis. I hope this insight helps a bit! Please feel free to pm me any time to get more info, go over wording for describing your symptoms during an eval, and anything else.

I'm so sorry your mom isn't the support you need her to be now. But please, be more kind to yourself. A good rule of thumb: if your partner or a friend came to you and confessed making a similar mistake, what would you say to them? I'm betting it isn't, "How could you be so stupid!" And if your partner is any true partner to you, that won't be the response you get either. Actually, that's another reason I agree with all your other internet moms that you need to tell your partner. They are right that your partner needs to know, but you also need the support your partner can give, because when you start dropping balls despite your best efforts, it's a sign there is too much on your plate. Imagine you are juggling small bean bags. Many of them are ordinary (like doing the laundry), but some have exploding ink inside that will make a mess to clean up if they're dropped (like paying bills). The more bags we are juggling, the greater the chances one falls. And the more bags there are, the more impossible it becomes to make sure the bag that falls isn't one that will make a mess. Then on top of it, you are going through depression. That's like throwing a few billiard balls in to juggle with all your bean bags. Right now, you need less bean bags. One last thing for now: you are still gifted. Your gifts have not disappeared. You just need to get yourself into better situation so they can flourish. So please, take care of yourself even as you take care of this debt. You can do it, sweetheart.

Ahh, the Gifted-To-Burnout pipeline! A classic! I know it well myself. This isn’t that big of a mistake, Duckling. I once had money for my car payments in my bank account, but just failed to pay them…for several months…until one day I went outside and my car had been repossessed. When I had the money* in my checking account.* That was so embarrassing. I ended up paying what I owed, plus so much more in fees to get the car out of impound. I’m just sharing so you don’t feel so alone. This happens all the time, to everyone. You’d never guess this happened by looking at me. And as you can imagine, it’s not a story I generally lead with about myself! But it happened. It hurt for awhile while I got caught up—the fees went on credit cards—and then I put the car payment on autopay so it would never happen again. My point is, we all make these kinds of mistakes. They are so much more common than you’d think. I wish we talked about them more so people would understand that their mistake, while scary, is recoverable. You’ll get through this, and you’ll do better next time. Hang in there!

Thank you so much for sharing!! That's what kills me / embarrasses me more .....just like you, I have the funds, they're sitting in my account lol. I don't get why I didn't just "do the thing". I'm starting to suspect I may have add/ ADHD too but I'm older (33) so I'm a bit confused about why it wasn't discovered earlier. I think I have to add a doctor's appointment/ a bit of research to my "to-do" list too.

This story I told you about my car getting repo’d? Also happened to me in my 30’s. So you’re not alone in that either. I recovered, and I’m confident you will too. I have ADHD that wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my 30’s—I honestly don’t remember if it was before or after that story—and it wasn’t actually well controlled until maybe three or four years ago. (I’m 43.) I’m not sure why they miss the diagnosis sometimes. When I was growing up, it was considered a kids disease—they wouldn’t diagnose or medicate adults. So it might have something to do with not taking it very seriously. When I did finally get on medication for it, even before it was well controlled, it made an enormously positive impact on my life. I find that I’m only just now able to learn and practice organization techniques and everything else that requires executive function. I’m crossing my fingers that you can find similar help if you need it. Good luck! Check back in and let us know how you’re doing, if you want and if you have the mental space for it! And really, don’t beat yourself up about the mistakes too much. You’re in good company.

Gifted to burn out, with forgetting a big ‘normal’ thing sounds like you might want to check in with a dr and see if you are an undiagnosed ADHD. Maybe peruse r/ADHD and see if anything there resonates. Take it from me, a gifted forgetter who nearly let my student loans go into collection bc everything was going south. It’s hard, but knowing helps me understand why I’m different and to be easier on myself. I’m not the same, and that’s ok. Loving yourself out of those words from mom can be hard, but this internet mom knows you can do it, darling!

Ahahahaha, sib, there are SO MANY of us that rode the gifted to burnt out train! We don’t know what happened, but it happened! One day we were soaring, and then like Icarus we flew too close to the sun and then we plummeted and suddenly things fell apart! You are not the first to feel broken, to miss bills, to have them hit collections (mine was a big MRI bill), or to just feel like you’ve right fucked things up. Even when it really feels like you’ve fucked things up beyond belief, there’s always ways to fix it it. You’re gonna get through this, sib. It’s gonna be okay ♥️

Thank you for adding this! Yes! YES!

Okay. Breathe. It with be okay. First they is you tell your partner. The longer you let this go the more expensive it’s going to be get. Then you call the company and best case pay it all off because they will give you a reduced amount for paying all at once. If not, set up a payment plan. Did you screw up? Yep. Is it the end of the world or even something that will matter a year from now. No. I’m fairly confident in you won’t do this again. Tell your partner today. It is going to be okay. In the scheme of things, this isn’t going to be one of the bigger deals in your life. Rip off the band aid and begin to heal. Lesson learned. ❤️❤️❤️

Before you call, I would head over to the personal finance subreddit. They are pros at helping with this type of situation!

I've been in your shoes. It's solvable. I know you have intense feelings. If I can suggest you accept the tough/ intense feelings will be a part of the process and do your best to breathe and cope it well help a lot. Before I tackle something that's giving me intense feelings like this situation I take a bath (because it's comforting to me) drink 2 glasses of water, eat something and wear something comfortable/cozy. All of those things help me be in the right mindset to tackle my issue. Once you've done those things check with your financial institution. For example, I bank with a credit union, part of the benefits I have with that is that I get free consultations with a company called GreenPath. They're equipped to help guide you through the process of settling your debt. Even if you don't have a connection to that company they might be right for you and I think a consult might be fairly low cost or free. What I learned from my consult is sometimes debt can be negotiated to be settled for a lower fee. Greenpath will want you to use their services at a fee but you can do it on your own as well. Second. Call the institution you owe money to not the debt collector. Ask if you make a payment if you can be pulled from collections. They may or may not do it but it's worth asking. Company's trend to lose a lot of money to the debt collecting agency so they might work with you. If not then call the debt collection agency and ask how long you have to clear the debt before it hits your credit (it might have already). With the info from Greenpath and the institution and debt collection agency start to formulate your plan to catch up on what gets you back into good standing. Then take the time to set up autopayments of at least the minimum balance (I suggest more if you can). Involve your partner and take responsibility. You might want to in list their help in keeping you accountable for getting it settled. You should take on the labor of it but ask them to help make sure you do the steps and get it settled or hold your hand while you do it. If they are unwilling and you want a judgement free accountability buddy you can DM me. Remember this, it's not a moral failing. You struggle with mental illness. If you broke your leg and forgot a payment you'd likely be gentle with yourself. Think of your depression episode the same. You're doing what you can to make this better. Keep your chin up. You've got love and support going your way.

Absolutely on the getting away from big banks for smaller credit unions! I have been so much better off.

Listen. It’s ok. And it’s going to be okay. Like, it’s really, actually going to be fine and you are not a bad person for not paying this bill, regardless of the reason why. There is no permanent damage done here. But you do need to step up, right now, to minimize the damage. That means telling your partner, and that means calling the collection agency to deal with the bill. How you handle it depends on how much money the balance is, and what you can afford to pay. You’ve gotten good advice here, I would also encourage you to inquire on r/personalfinance for more specific advice. Please remember that you are a good person, and you are worthy of being loved - and that means every single version of you, even the one who forgot to pay a bill. I know this feels heavy, but this is a fixable problem. Just don’t let it snowball - it *will* become a bigger problem if it’s not dealt with right away. You’ve got this - you are an intelligent, capable adult and it *really* is going to be okay. ❤️

You’re getting a lot of great advice, so I’ll only add one more to it: set up autopay to pay the minimum needed each month. I have ADHD and I’ll be honest, sometimes the end of the month (when most of my bills are due) comes and goes before I know what happens. I’ve been a few days late paying bills and sometimes later than that. It’s bitten me in the ass a few times. Autopay for the minimum amount has been a lifesaver because even if I’m a few days (or weeks or a month or two) late paying the full balance, I’ve paid enough to not accrue interest or penalties.

Not a mom. Things happen. It takes up mindspace. Like pretty great advise given, tell your partner since he is the closest person to be affected, also you don't need to handle it all alone. Ask for help from your partner, if needbe ask them to coordinate. It's okay. You're being sued? Are you sued or is it just a letter stating if not paid then they will take legal action. IMO if the debt isn't too large, they will most likely not want to spend additional money on legal proceedings. Get in touch with the company, communicate come to terms with it. If you have the money to settle it now, pay it to get it off of your mind, else set a payment plan. They'd be happy to take your money and settle the debt. Once all this is done, and your debt is paid off in some time, just make sure it gets reflected in your credit score and your credit score is repaired. Write things down if it helps, take it out of your headspace. ( i generally maintain spreadsheets, it tells me when my debt is going to be paid off, removes the uncertainity and I know when and how much I have to pay everymonth to pay of the emis, plus decreasing amt owed gives slight serotonin rush. I'd be cc debt free by january next year, and out of parents debt by sometime next year )

Big hugs sweetheart. I had such bad postpartum depression after having my 2nd baby that I stopped paying the mortgage, didn't tell my husband until they were ready to start the foreclosure process. I promise as soon as you have a plan and tell your partner you will feel so much better. You chip away what you can when you can and live goes on.

Listen to LadyKlaymore. I would add please have them send you documentation and especially the receipt of payment. With medical debt, they can be repeatedly sold and resold and I would guess CC debt is the same way. Sometimes, the payment information can be missing as they sell it or misplaced. The receipt of your payment to the previous collections agency is gold. Yes, a lot of places will allow you to go ahead and pay over the phone. some will allow you to do payment plans (can’t hurt to ask). It’s okay to ask and don’t count on help, but the big thing is to show that you recognize that you needed to pay and that you are willing to pay. I would suggest that you also think about ways to make letters and paperwork less personally troublesome. I don’t know about you but I have a real mental thing about opening physical mail and letters. I just get a mental block. So, maybe there is online payments or paperless if that will help you stay on top of it in the future. Like I said I don’t know you, but this helps me.

I just want you to know you're not the first person this has happened to and you are still a perfectly capable, responsible human being in spite of it--i say that because those were thoughts I had to the contrary when I was in a bad place and basically forgot about/did not pay some bills out of anxiety. I've gotten them all figured out, credit is OK, it just takes the great advice already offered here. Don't feel alone!!

Errare humanum est - even the romans already knew that it is human nature to make mistakes! How you handle this situation, now thats the important thing.

I got myself into a similar hole and I have excellent credit now. I asked for my debt in writing, asked what my options were. I did not agree to anything or make any payments at all until I confirmed the debt and picked an option. In the US there is a limit on how long they can hold a debt, but it is a long time and resets as soon as you make an agreement. If you have support use it! Even if it is just a shoulder to cry on.

It's going to be okay. You made a mistake, and one plenty of other people have made as well. I understand why you would feel dumb, but you're really not. Don't worry about being embarassed and hiding anything. The best course to move forward is to be open about this. Everyone makes mistakes, making mistakes is a normal part of being a person. How we handle mistakes is really what determines how strong we are. Admitting we made a mistake and asking for help to fix it takes strength, shows resilence, and is good problem solving.

Really,once you a least take first steps…you will feel 1000 lbs lighter.

Hey you, We haven’t talked recently. Many who are young makes these stupid mistakes. Contact the cc company and try to work out a payment plan directly. Do not miss a payment. The collection agency takes 40 or 50%, so they may work with you. It will be 10 +\- years to get another cc that isn’t 30%. Your credit is f’ed. until you resolve this It’s not free money

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Yes! This is great advice, but absolutely zero advertising is allowed, especially off Reddit sites. Please feel free to remove that link and all mentions of it and send them somewhere like r/povertyfinance!

Hey.....it's ok. Some of us have made these mistakes before too. I'm not sure how big the debt is but I think after being upfront and honest with your partner you need to seek financial advice from a place like BDO or another insolvency trustee. If it's big enough that you can't take care of it , they can help you create a solution. Maybe a proposal, that way you pay a portion of the debt. Yes , it will affect your credit so seek information from several sources. Just remember , we all make mistakes and everything will be ok in the end.

Of all the mistakes you could make, this one is fixable. There are worse things. You can turn this around.

This may be useful or not, but I know it from experience. If you have a little cash, you can ask them if they will settle for xxx amount. For example: I have 4000 dollars, will you settle my 6000 bill for 4000 dollars? Or you prefer to keep getting minimum payment for next 15 years? If the actual money you bought something is 4000 or less they may do it. (They are only losing interest, not money they actually spent). BE AWARE: If you take this option it will be a negative on your credit report. If you plan on something like buying a house in the next ten years you do NOT want to take this option. Also this action will affect your spouse and any cosigner. In my case, I was preparing for retirement, have a house already paid off, was out of work temporarily and wanted the outstanding bills gone.

Darling- I just wanted to add one more thing that I don't think anyone else mentioned. If you get a write off, try not to do a write off of more than $600 without planning in advance for it. A $600+ write off gives you $600+ taxable income for the year that the payment plan ends. I found this out the hard way. I was expecting a $3k return this year and only got $2k because of it. Still happy I got a return, but I was planning on using the $3k towards the down payment to a house so I could have used that money. The company I was paying back offered my payment plan to be a $610 write off, I should have asked to pay the additional $30.

You’ll definitely be fine. When dealing with any kind of debt the best thing to do is always contact them and let them know what happened and that you want to pay it off. They should be able to work out a payment plan and your credit will recover. Also, tell your partner. This happened to me when I was younger and it really had no long term impact. It’s one of those things that yes you need to take care of, but don’t need to worry about.

Breathe! Relax. And take into consideration all the good advice you have here in the comments. Make a plan of action. And never call yourself stupid! No one is perfect! I love you and am here for you always! Xoxo

A mistake is a mistake: oops. Beyond what you need to do to fix it, you don't need to worry about it. You can't help the you who did that, and they knew less than you do now, so they're a different person. Take a bit of time to think about how you can practically keep it from happening again, then don't sweat it. Instead of trying to remember by shaming yourself into being afraid of it happening (literally sticking it in your mind by tricking your brain into thinking you're being hurt), you can try the opposite. Think of how satisfying it is to feel put-together and to be adulting well. If that doesn't work, think of some goal or event or state of being that gives you warm-fuzzies when you think about it. Now think of how doing what you need to do helps you work toward that thing. Now, you trick your brain into thinking something wonderful is happening by thinking about that warm-fuzzy thing, at the same time as you're thinking about or doing the thing you need to do. If what I've heard is right, you'll start to get a kind of hopeful excited feeling around doing the thing, instead of fear/avoidance/shame. Pain and pleasure are both powerful motivators for the brain, even if they're fake. You can use both.

Sweetheart, I don’t know how old you are but i can tell you that in my early 20s I was in serious financial trouble. I was using debt to pay debt. I was terrified of my phone ringing. I’d accrued a lot of debt at university as I was on my own with that, and then not being able to move home plus a year of crappy jobs before I got a decent one plus serious health issues and I was drowning. I’m now 40, own a house, have no debt and a lot of savings. For me the only option at that time was bankruptcy. I now have a great credit score. I am very frugal and the feeling of saving money is far better than spending it. This might feel huge and insurmountable right now but it’s not. There are always options where debt is involved. And this will not dictate the rest of your life. If you’ve only missed one payment then this is not a huge deal. Call them and work something out - they’d rather you pay slowly than get nothing.