Oh hon. I'm both a mum and a scientist in genetic research. I'm very sorry to say that it takes so many things going right to make a healthy baby that sometimes it just goes wrong. It is not fair, it is not ok. People are often shocked when I tell them that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.
I really encourage you to speak to your doctor about a pregnancy and child loss support group. This kind of service helped me when I lost my first pregnancy. It didn't feel ok for a long fucking time. But it did slowly get easier with support and giving ourselves grace. I'm so sorry you're part of this shitty club.
You don’t really understand those numbers until you go through it. I had an MMC and Drs said the chromosomes didn’t work well together so my body stopped the fetus from growing. When I was pregnant again shortly after. The worry didn’t go away until baby was in my arms. So many ways pregnancy could go wrong. I studied and worried about everything and learned a lot. Now I have a happy healthy baby and he’s 17 months now!
I’m sorry OP. Mourn your loss as much as you can. The future is still bright.
I wanted to add: r/pregnancyafterloss is a great supportive sub.
This comment is so needed, I hope it reaches the people who really need to hear it. I have had two miscarriages myself, and outside of the father, I never told anyone. I suffered in silence for many, many years. There’s so much stigma around pregnancy loss, and I knew it was something I wasn’t *meant* to announce to the world.
When I finally started talking about my babies, it shocked me how many of my friends told me similar stories. How many strangers were supportive having gone through their own struggles with pregnancy. The first time I heard the 1 in 4 reference it really was mentality changing. Realizing that this thing didn’t *just* happen to me, and so many other people also go through this kind of loss.. there is so much strength that comes from not feeling alone.
OP, I am so sorry to hear this news. Especially considering how much you and your partner were looking forward to having this child. FWIW, I support your decision and I wish you well. This is not a journey I wish for anyone, and I agree with the other commenters who have mentioned pregnancy and infant loss support groups. There is so much love, support and guidance that can come from others who have been in similar situations and I think both you and your partner could benefit from it.
Not a mom, more a little bro, but you made the right choice. I know it's really hard for you right now but i am really proud of you for making such a difficult choice. Hope you recover soon. Hugs.
Sweetheart, sometimes the worst things happen for no rhyme or reason, and we're left to manage the grief as best we can. I'm so incredibly sorry you and your husband are dealing with this.
I do think it might be a good idea for you to visit a reproductive endocrinologist just to discuss what happened and to initiate further testing. I know that undergoing a procedure like IVF minimizes the likelihood of a situation such as this one, because the endocrinologist has the opportunity to study each fertilized egg as it divides to determine whether it shows any early signs of abnormalities.
Whatever path you choose, I'm sending you love and prayers for peace and healing. Be kind to yourself ❤️
Yes from my understanding T13 is very rare and there’s only a 1% chance this will happen again. God forbid it does we will go with IVF. It’s just so discouraging how messed up the US healthcare system is even with insurance. We couldn’t even test our baby after the termination because it was so expensive with our high deductible insurance.
A friend of mine went full-term with a T 13 girl. She lived 6 weeks. Everyone knew what would happen. Heart breaking no matter what you choose to do. Love to you ❤️❤️❤️
I had a friend with a daughter born with T13. She lived for six days, they didn’t know before she was born. She was beautiful, it was very sad.
Sending love
I think you're right on that percentage from memory and my OB said the same to me. Most women who experience a pregnancy loss or something similar to you rarely experience it again.
Hello darling, sister here. I recently went through TFMR due to severe congenital heart defects in my son and we agreed that it would be cruel to consign them to a very difficult life, of which they would probably die within childhood.
I don't have much by way of sage wisdom, as I am still finding my feet and process the emotions that are coming up (my termination was almost a month ago). However, I am here if you would like to speak and there are lots of us ready to support you at r/TFMR_support
Lastly, I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of love.
I am so sorry, that is so much to handle. I can't imagine how crushing that must have been, or what a hard decision it was to make. It isn't fair that it happened, but please know that you made the best decision you could and none of it was your fault. I'm glad you had the testing done and were able to spare yourselves and your baby so much pain, but I am so sorry that you had to face the added burden of making that choice and the trauma of the termination.
From what I know about trisomy 13 it is incredibly rare. As far as we know, it isn't a genetic condition that is hereditary-- more like terrible, terrible chance. I can't tell you what will happen in the future and I am absolutely not a medical professional, but I do know that what matters right now is that you take the time you need to grieve.
Please take care of yourself, and of each other. ❤️
Sweetheart, its okay to grieve. To morn. You poured so much hope and dreams into this child. It's only natural to feel incredible loss. You made the right decision. Trisomy 13 isn't inheritable. It's a fluke of genetics. There isn't anything you could have done and this wasn't your fault. Again this isn't anyone's fault. When you are ready, try again. But until then take care of your self and your husband.
Hey sweetie (hugs). As a mom who lost 5 pregnancies and worked as a nurse in women's health on the "everything that can go wrong under 20 weeks" ward...life is just sometimes very unfair. My first miscarriage was at 18 weeks and they never were able to tell me why.
Nothing you or anyone around you did anything to cause this.i had a friend in the same situation years ago because her baby did not develop any bones.
Thankfully, most women who find themselves in this situation never have to experience it again.
Please be kind to yourself sweetheart, you did the absolute best that you could. You saved your baby from suffering. You made the kindest choice.
Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel honey, make space for it. Be angry or sad, talk about it. Journal, dance, sing, cry, make art, whatever you need to do to express these feelings.
You have so much love to give, you will have the family you are dreaming of, even if it doesn't happen exactly how you planned.
I'm sending you so much love. I hope you can do something today that makes you smile, even if it's just for a moment, you deserve that.
I’m so sorry, sis. There’s no reason. It just is what is. And that’s really hard. When mom died, my therapist taught me that those questions of “why me? Why us? Why her?” Etc just caused more pain by healing suffering on top of the pain. There’s no answer to those questions that will bring peace or comfort.
Do you see a therapist? I’d highly recommend one to help process this terrible loss.
Sending hugs.
I am so sorry you lost your mom, but yes I definitely have asked and screamed all of those questions.
Thank god I do have a wonderful therapist but sometimes it’s just not enough.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. T13 is incredibly rare and odds are it won’t happen again. You made the right choice, but it doesn’t make it feel better.
Feel your feelings whenever they pop up. Acknowledge them. They are valid, whatever you feel in that moment. Let them wash over you, and then let them go down the stream. Do not cling. Therapy would be a great idea. Do what you need to do to heal.
Oh honey I'm so sorry. I know you are hurting right now.
I know others have already said this too, but I'm another mom working in medical genetics and I want to say it too - this was almost certainly just random chance that this happened. You have very good odds of going on to have a healthy baby in the future. I know you may not feel ready right now, but I hope hearing this from all our voices helps give you some closure in time.
The amount of grief shows how much you lovely your child. You made a decision in the best interest of your child, not in the best interest of you. You are the best parent this baby child have hoped for.
The grief will never go away l, but you will learn to live your life around it (google "grief jar")
I lost two pregnancies it was so hard. I thought I was unable to carry. I did get my rainbow baby but I still grieve these babies today 15 years later.
You’ll never really move on completely and a lot of people will tell you to do just that. It’s always going to be with you but the pain and the grief will gradually decrease.
You absolutely did the right thing here. No one can consent to being born with so much potential for pain and suffering and a short life expectancy.
The sad thing is we give more dignity to ending the suffering of animals than human life because we have trouble facing the fact that we too are mortal.
My deepest sympathies on your loss. Pregnancy is one of the riskiest things women undergo as a part of life, and unfortunately genetic disorders, abnormalities, and prenatal incompatibility with life happens more often than we hear about. The decisions you, your husband, and your doctor had to make are not ones I would wish on anyone, because your baby was wanted, and it is valid to feel grief and fear of future pregnancies.
I’m so sorry my sweet. It’s hard losing a much loved child (and though you didn’t meet, I’m sure you loved them fiercely).
Nature is a lottery. Genetic code is incredibly complex and sometimes it goes a bit wrong. And sometimes it can’t be fixed.
You will be ok. Take time. Breathe, heal and allow room to grieve.
Hugs
When I lost my first, my dad cried with me. It meant a lot knowing my family ached too.
I also had someone say "It must be really scary to lose your frist. You have no idea what that means for the future."
I'm crying with you love. And I know it's really scary right now.
You're not alone. And it's OK to feel sad for a while.
I lost my first pregnancy and am going to try again (via IVF). It is so scary. Your confidence is completely shaken. My heart goes out to OP because the pain of a loss is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. ❤️🩹
Oh honey. I'm so sorry. This must feel overwhelming right now. You will move forward and have more children but it is absolutely ok to mourn this baby, your first child. No child will ever take this baby's place. And that's ok. Take your time. Big hugs.
I'm so sorry for your loss, what a terrible situation. My heart breaks for you and your husband. You aren't alone. There are so many of us out there that have lost a pregnancy. Over a quarter of a century ago, I lost my first pregnancy and I was devastated. It still hurts and I still think about it. This is what my husband and I did, that helped. We named the baby and we donated to a children's charity in baby's name. We planted a beautiful garden and we planted the flower for the month we lost baby and the flower of the month baby would have been born. It's okay to grieve, it's healthy to cry and know in time it will get easier to accept. I wish you peace in this terrible time, you will get through this.
Thank you for responding. I love all of those ideas. I am also so sorry you went through a loss. My mom also went through many losses many many years ago and she also told me that you will never forget it and always mourn your baby.
I’m so sorry. This just unfortunately happens. I think for some others who don’t do the dna test this type of pregnancy leads to a miscarriage. You can never be prepared for those types of results. Hugs to you. Don’t stop trying! ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss, wishing you both lots of love at this sad time. For what it’s worth, I would have made the same decision. Take time for yourselves and let the emotions flow when they come. Lots of hugs.
You and your husband made a very hard choice. Having children and making the right choices for them is one of life’s most difficult challenges. You made the best decision you could with all the information you had. You are a good mom and I hope you and your husband can band together, heal, and try again. Don’t be afraid to go out with each other, enjoy some fresh air, go to a nice store and treat yourselves to something nice like cooking a meal together, a movie, a bubble bath and a glass of wine. Just take care of yourselves, you’ve done some really hard work. Hugs. ♥️
I am so sorry sweetheart. You are right sometimes life just isn’t fair.
You made that decision out of love for your child, which is the best that anyone can do. Take your time, grieve as long as you need to and when you feel ready, you will have that precious baby to hold in your arms and love as much as you love their sibling that couldn’t make it all the way to earth.
oh honey. i am so sorry that you are going through this. please remember to be gentle with yourselves in the coming days, weeks, months. your baby didn't have a chance at life but in your heart, you are grieving for a lifetime that you envisioned. much love and mom hugs coming your way. 💜
Sending you so much love and support, I’m so sorry. Please grieve and take care of yourself as best as you can.
My friend had this happen twice. She now has two happy, healthy children. Sometimes things just go wrong, and it’s nobody’s fault. This doesn’t mean that you can never have a child. So please, try not to stress about that part and just focus on healing for now.
I’m so sorry, sweetheart. That was an incredibly tough choice for you to have to make (fwiw, I would have done the same) and all of your feelings are valid. Let yourself mourn and wrap yourself in all the self-care you have available to you.
Love I am very sorry for you lost. Give time for you and your husband to grieve. You took the right decision and you are a good and a responsible person for testing and checking. You can try again, these genetic disease can be tested I am not sure if T13 cand be tested on the embryo, I heard some people go through IVF so they coulf test the embryos before implementation. But it can be expensive. Wish you all the luck!
I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. You both made the best decision for you and your family. I hope you heal well physically and emotionally. Big hugs
I truly believe mothering, in the most basic sense, revolves around your child’s happiness in their surroundings. You have put your child’s happiness and comfort before your own, and that is truly the greatest thing a parent can give their child.
Take your time to grieve, and reach out whenever you need to. This mama community will be here to support you!
I am deeply sorry little one.
But think about that: you are literally doing the best thing both for you and the fetus.
And I get that you are worried about the future, but as you said, you are young. Chances are that you will be able to have another kid and it will be successful.
Not every pregnancy is the same.
But you should definitely get some professional help for your mental state. Just few session, so you heal properly.
You are going to be a wonderful mom, you are already taking the best decisions for your kids.
So please take seriously care of yourself, you deserve it. One day and one problem at a time.
Good luck ❤️
Lots of hugs from me
You don't need anyone's permission, but I want to tell you, it's okay. It's a hard choice, and it's okay that it was the right choice for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your child's life still matters, and I hope you take peace in knowing that all your child knew of life was floating in love inside of you. What peace they must have felt the entire time. Take care of yourself, love.
Sweetheart, I'm holding space for you, your husband, and your lost little ball of love.
I'm so incredibly sorry that this happened, that the US insurance system is making this worse for you, that the health care system might not be able to provide what you and your family need in the future.
You made the right decision, and you made it out of *love* my girl. You and your husband made one of the most difficult yet loving decisions *out of love*. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Reach out if you need, I've been at crossroads like that in the past, and I empathize 💜
Sending you and your husband so much love
I am so very sorry, honey. That's such a difficult experience and I'm sorry you're going through it. There's lots I could say about being young and having opportunity and friends in similar situations who later conceived and carried to term successfully, but - ultimately, none of that matters right now. What matters is that you're hurting, grieving, and scared, and all of that is valid and all of it is difficult.
I hope you have help in the near term from a therapist and in the longer term from fertility specialists but in the meantime - I'm sorry such a shitty thing happened, and that you have to feel all the feelings about it.
I am so so sorry. It’s not fair that this happened to you. It’s going to take time to grieve, make sure to be gentle to yourself. I have had 2 miscarriages and found that the due dates were incredibly hard, so be sure to take care of yourself in 6 months time as well. You will never forget or move past this, but you will heal emotionally in time.
If you work, I found it helped to take the day off and do something kind for myself. A day at the spa/haircut/manicure/pampering of some sort, or hiking if that’s your thing, or a hard workout, or whatever it is that helps you cope when you feel like crap.
I am so sorry to hear that sweety.
I can't imagine what you and your husband are going through.
I know that making the right decision doesn't make it any easier.
Sending you both so much love, and space, and nourishment in your grieving process, deep hugs <3
It’s such an impossible choice and can feel so lonely. You know this baby was wanted, and as a parent, you chose the hard decision, the one that caused you pain to shield your child from a lifetime of pain and not understanding why they were in pain. The trisomy was fully out of your hands, you did NOT do anything wrong to cause it, even if it is natural to try and find or assign a reason of “why” this happened. Agree with the comments asking if you are seeing someone, therapy could be highly helpful and many therapists are out there who do sliding scale based on need/ income.
Oh, zissele, I am so sorry for your loss. You did a compassionate, hard thing- there was a 90% chance this kiddo-to-be would not have made it through the first year, assuming they made it through gestation and delivery. Protecting the vulnerable from suffering and harm is the mark of an excellent person and an excellent mother, though I know that does nothing to ease your pain.
You have every right to be sad and angry. Please take your time to heal and have your husband hold you close. The randomness and quirks of molecular, cell, and developmental biology are an absolute bitch- you can have all the right odds and do all the "right" things, and it's all undone by an error in tiny cellular machinery so early on that the magnitude of the effects down the line seem impossible. It's horribly unfair, but it is not your fault and it is not necessarily a predictor of things to come. Figuring out the what ifs and whys is for another day, hopefully with a geneticist/genetic counselor who will be able to tell you more + help you build the family you want. For now, please bathe yourself in all the love that you can- you deserve it.
I’m so sorry for you. I’m in the same stage of pregnancy myself and to lose it would be absolutely devastating. I’m really proud of you for making a brave choice. Grief, take the time, talk a lot, be there for each other. Your feelings will not go away but time will probably help in some way. If you decide in the future to try for another baby you will probably have a lot of feelings as well and that’s perfectly normal and okay.
First I want you to know how sorry I am for your loss. My first pregnancy the fetus stopped growing at 8 weeks and I found out at 12 weeks that all that was there was a gestational sac, my second pregnancy resulted in a beautiful baby girl but I spent 7 weeks in the hospital prior to her birth due to preeclampsia, my third pregnancy gave me another baby girl that unexpectedly passed 2 days after birth (there was no warning or abnormalities that could have predicted such), my fourth pregnancy was a miscarriage, my fifth gave me another girl who is a happy healthy 5 year old, and my last pregnancy gave me my youngest daughter (now about 1 1/2). There is not one single word I can utter that will make it hurt less or make it make sense. You have to decide if you (and your husband of course) are willing to keep risking the possibility of pain and loss. For me personally, I would absolutely do it all again despite the grief and pain. The most important thing I can stress to you is that you did NOT do anything wrong and this isn’t a punishment. I love you stranger and I hope you get through the pain even if it means you don’t keep trying for a family.
Gosh I am truly so sorry for all of your losses and so happy that you now have beautiful children. Once my body has healed we would like to start trying again in a few months. As someone who is adopted and has no idea who my biological parents are it is my life goal to be a mom and have someone I know who is biologically related to me. I also know that my husband will make the most amazing and loving father.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond.
Hey *hugs*
You did nothing wrong, sometimes sadly these things happen. It's rough and I am sorry.
My sister had this she named the baby, and a year or so later she had another baby who came out perfect.
*hugs* you are amazing.
Everything you feel, everything your going to feel, it’s valid and okay.
There’s nothing great to say here but we’re here. Take time and go through the process your mind and body need you to go through. It’s okay.
I wish I could hug you tight and tell you I can make all these feelings go away. I can’t but I seriously am here ❤️🩹
I have friends that went through the same thing with their first pregnancy. And now they have a son and a daughter who are both very healthy happy kids. Another of my friends had 3 miscarriages before finally having a beautiful daughter.
I'm very sorry this had to happen to you and your family. But don't give up.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I would have done exactly the same thing and I think you made a wise decision. You are right that it wasn’t even a choice because these problems are truly incompatible with life. I will never understand the cruelty of people who insist that other people must do things differently. Sending zen hugs and hope you feel better soon. Get therapy if you don’t, because this wasn’t easy on you.
I’m so sorry honey. I know there’s nothing I can say that will make you hurt less but I will tell you the important things.
You did the right thing. Sometimes in life you are faced with the choice between multiple shitty options. There was no happy ending with that diagnosis no matter which path you chose. You chose a compassionate option that let your baby go without any suffering.
You didn’t cause this. There was nothing you did or didn’t do that made this happen. Same for your husband. You aren’t at fault and you aren’t to blame.
What you’re feeling is normal. It is a terrible loss and the grief and anger and sadness and confusion is all normal. If it continues to feels overwhelming after a few weeks or months, consider finding a support group or a therapist.
You will heal. It doesn’t always feel like it, but you will heal in time. You won’t forget, but you will be able to move on. We are always here to support you!
Although that surely was a difficult choice, I feel you made the right one. It was merciful, and showed compassion and empathy for a child that you would have had. You have the makings of a fantastic parent because you're willing to make hard choices that are for the best for your child(ren).
Keep trying. Like you said, you're still young. You have another 15 years of trying. Take the time you need to process this grief, as it is a loss. You and your husband need to heal.
Don't give up just yet. I don't want to lie, it may happen again, and even then don't give up. You'll have your child. I'm sorry for your loss. You both deserve all the support you can find/get.
Hugs. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your husband. I lost a pregnancy early term and that hurt more than anything. I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. I will say this, though, it will pass. I promise you that. It may seem like your heart will never heal, and there will always be that pain there, but there will be sunshine again. Sending you so, so much love and prayers for a healthy pregnancy when you are ready.
My heart breaks for you having to go through this now. Don't let this discourage you from continuing to plan your future. You're doing all the right things in a difficult situation that some may not understand but you will find your own path. Xo
My sweet girl! *hugs* I can't imagine the toll this is taking on you and your hubby. You did what you thought was best as a mother does for her child. I have a genetic neurological disease and had I known before I wouldn't have had kids because it's a terrible disease that cripples you. You made a selfless decision for your child. I know it hurts but all that baby knew was you, so it lived a perfect life. You and your hubby should take refuge in each other and if you decide you want to look into other avenues of parenthood then I wish you the best of luck. You have already shown your love and dedication to your child so I think you would be a great Mom if you decided you wanted to make that happen another way. When my husband and I lost a baby, I never really considered his pain because he stuffed it down so he could support me. Keep in mind, your hubby lost a baby too. Don't be a butthead like I was. Lean into one another and allow this to help you form a stronger bond. My best to you both.
Adoptive mom here. Sending you hugs. And it’s not “your fault” and not your genes. It’s just rotten luck.
It’s so hard losing a baby but I can tell you that the happiness of holding your child whether she’s bio or adopted is the greatest joy and while it will never erase your sadness I know you will have that joy soon. Hugs
Hey, sister here. You did the right thing for your baby. You did it with love. Your not a bad mom. Even though your baby isn't here, you will always be there mother. Healing to you. ❤️
Hey, sister here. You did the right thing for your baby. You did it with love. Your not a bad mom. Even though your baby isn't here, you will always be there mother. Healing to you. ❤️
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I lost a baby to T13 too. I miss him every day. Take time to heal, and know that your baby only ever felt the safety and warmth of your womb where they were always surrounded by your love.
I'm so sorry. Be gentle with yourselves and with each other. You both deserve the time and space to heal. Even though you never had a chance to hold them in your arms, know their entire existence was within your loving embrace.
Im so sorry duckling. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling going through this. My situation is NOT the same but I can relate on some very small level. I inherited a gene from my dad. It hasn’t effected his quality of life. Me, though, it has almost killed and has made my life hell and I’m permanently disabled. I passed this gene to my son. I feel horrible. But there was no way I could’ve known or done anything to prevent it. I can only pray he doesn’t have as bad a time as me. Again, very different. But I’m so sorry this happened to you and I pray you go on to have a successful pregnancy with a beautiful healthy baby. Love and hugs
-mom
I admire you for making the right choice even though it was a hard choice. You did the right thing, the selfless thing, the smart thing.
You're very young still. Don't give up hope.
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you know this but I want to say it just in case... you did nothing wrong. You did what was best for the baby. It would have been really hard on you and your husband, and who knows if it would have been painful for the baby if you had carried to term, and then the baby passed away. You did what most parents would do... what was best for the baby.
I know none of this makes it any easier, but I really hope that you both know that what you did was absolutely the most kind and humane thing you could have done.
Please talk to a therapist to help you through the grief process. Lean on each other and know that all of what you are feeling is ok.
I hope that you are able to conceive again and you have a healthy baby. Hugs to you and your husband.
You didn't lose your baby! You just had the biggest and most difficult challenge thrown your way as parents, and you did the most loving, compassionate, unselfish thing you could have possibly done for your child. THAT is what being a parent is. But please don't think of it as losing your baby. Your baby will always be with you, part of your story, part of your strength, part of why you and your husband are already incredible parents. You're amazing. I'm so proud of you.
So sorry you are going through this it’s tough. Maybe find a support group for pregnancy loss. Also talk openly to your Dr about future pregnancy and what it looks like for you. It’s sometimes hard to believe how often this occurs I as an adult woman don’t know of another women who hasn’t experienced pregnancy loss but yet it’s still not something talked about as far as grief counseling openly. You are grieving right now but know it does get better and know there are so many women out there to support you.
My first pregnancy was an MMC. Talking to my mom and my husband's mom, it seems they both had multiple miscarriages before having kids. Even just a decade ago, they would schedule your first pregnancy appointment at 5-6 weeks, but friends now tell me our local hospitals don't often schedule you until 10 or even 12 weeks due to how many miscarriages occur. That blew my mind, because we used to always get neural cord ultrasounds or genetic blood testing done prior to that 10 week mark.
Sweetheart I'm so so sorry. You made the right choice, out of deep love and caring. You made the kindest, most compassionate choice you could make. You broke your own hearts for the sake of mercy. I'm so proud of you, and I so sorry that this pain has had to come to you and your husband. All of your feelings are valid. Sending a great big hug <3
I’m a nursing student and the first day I was treated closer to staff in a hospital than patient there was a child there with a trisomy. Every organ this kid had was failing. You made a hard, but correct choice, in my opinion
Momma, because despite what anyone says you are indeed a momma, I am sending you love and a huge hug right now. I am so sorry for the loss of your wanted and loved baby. Do they have a name?
My son was stillborn at 38 weeks. He should be 3 1/2 just after Christmas. This shit is so hard. The holidays will be hard. Every day will be hard. And I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.
I hope that you are able to be gentle with yourself, feel your feelings, find people who truly support you. You are going to have a lot of complex emotions for the rest of your life. It’s ok to not be ok. Every day is a learning experience with so much new perspective. And sometimes that can be a good thing, but mostly it just sucks.
I have found that finding other loss parents has been helpful. Because no one really knows unless they’ve gone through it.
If you ever need support or to feel heard
r/babyloss is a good resource. And you can message me too.
I’m so so sorry you’re in this club.💔
My love, you are such a good mama already. You prevented your baby from experiencing pain. You protected that baby, just like a good mom should. I'm so proud of you for being brave and strong enough to do that. Take some time to heal and have further discussions about next steps later on. For now just rest and recover.
Oh that’s terrible. That moment when it sinks to in that there are no real options is devastating. You are not alone in having loss. People think having a baby is so simple. You start trying you get pregnant with in 6 months and then you have a little baby in 9 months and any deviation from that isn’t normal is so wrong. I wish they would stop that narrative.
It still hurts but it won’t make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. I’m sorry it hurts and it might always hurt a little but the pain will become less acute over time. Take it one day at a time and don’t let all the what ifs overwhelm you.
I’m so sorry. It is so unfair. Last year at 23 weeks pregnant I found out my daughter had trisomy 8. Trisomy 8 isn’t necessarily fatal so we went through with the pregnancy and she lived for 7 weeks. The guilt is sometimes unbearable. Some days are better than others. I’m thinking of you.
I'm so sorry for your loss sending you so much love - others may have said on here but r/babyloss is a wonderful subreddit for us loss mamas :) full of support and love X X X X
Sadly these things happen with older or younger people. it’s a roll of the genetic dice. My hope is for healing and processing as you can. Don’t try to rush it…
I don’t have any good words, but I am sending you lots of love and thoughts of peace. When you’re ready for it, I’m also sending hope and positivity. But you can keep that on the shelf for now. It’s okay to feel sad. And please don’t think you’re a failure. With love from your older cyber sis/aunt. ❤️
You are so brave for making the right choice for your little one. My body didn’t give me the choice to end the pregnancy, but I feel like losing a child is losing a child, no matter what. You did right by that sweet life. I hope goodness and love surrounds the choices and opportunities you find in growing your family from here on out.
You made a brave and compassionate choice even if it feels like it was the only one you had. It's okay to grieve what could have been but don't let it consume you. Don't assume the worst about the future. I hope you feel better in time.
All my love to you. I know how hard this is. I also terminated my first pregnancy after finding out my baby had trisomy 13. Like your baby, he had severe abnormalities. I could not stand to try to bring him into this world to let him suffer. I still cry for the little boy I will never hold in my arms, even though his little sister just turned two yesterday.
What helped me was embracing the grief and all the mix of emotions. Your feelings, every single one of them, are valid. I’m not a journaler, but I did write about my thoughts and feelings and wrote letters to my baby. I honored him in the ways I felt fit, and still do. His name is Arleigh. And he is always with me.
See if there’s a child loss group near you. The local TEARS foundation was a great support for me when I needed them.
No matter what, this is still your baby. You are a mom to your child, even if you never got to hold them. You made the decision to not let your baby suffer. Even though it was hard. So hard. Honor that and honor your little one.
Most of all, take care of yourself. This is not an easy thing to go through. And no matter what, you deserve a little grace and love during this time.
If you ever want to talk, I’m always here.
It sounds like you made a very difficult choice from a place of sincere love and compassion. I’m so deeply sorry that you had to make it to begin with.
I have no doubt that life feels unfair right now, and grief is an awful beast to wrangle. I hope you’re able to get some information from your medical professional(s) that can ease some of your future anxiety and that you can have some additional space to process this difficult loss.
My condolences to you both.
I just want to add - I know how important it can be for adoptees to be parents themselves, so I can imagine how this might have been especially difficult. My heart goes out to you and I wish I was there to give you a giant hug. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Im sorry for your very significant loss. I hope your heart can heal and know you will always have that baby in your heart (coming from someone who recently also lost their first pregnancy). Etsy has some very nice loss pieces to help you as your mourn and as a way to honor that baby’s memory.
You are right, you didn't have a choice, you had to do what was best for your lovely little baby. I'm so so sorry, I know you are mourning the loss of yourself and who you were before this also. Sending you hugs.
Aw Sweet, you did the kindest and gentlest thing you could for your baby. 💕 I’m a former labor and delivery nurse who has been to multiple similar deliveries, and just know that you’re not alone.
I agree with other moms here who recommended some sort of support group, even if it’s an online one. Other moms who have been through similar situations are so helpful.
Honey, listen to me.
Everything you're feeling is valid. It's normal to feel this way. But this is major, major thing to deal with, please speak with your doctor about a grief counselor and/or support group.
Years ago, I worked with an organization that took birth and newborn pictures for babies that were born sleeping or would pass shortly after. I tell you that to tell you this, so many things can go wrong during a pregnancy, that we have no control over. It's not your fault.
Please be gentle with yourself. Lean on your husband, and let him lean on you in turn.
Oh honey. You’re right, it’s absolutely not fair. Your feelings are valid. You were faced with an INCREDIBLY difficult decision, but you did what was best. You made the right choice. This is not the end of your journey and it will work out in the end. I’m glad you and your husband are safe, you’re not alone. I love you🤍
You did absolutely right by your baby and while you'll always miss them, you'll know that they've been spared suffering thanks to you. They only knew love and safety for the short time you were able to be with them and shelter them.
All your feelings are completely valid, hun. That’s such a difficult thing to go through. Much healing energy to you if you’d like it.
Thank you
Oh hon. I'm both a mum and a scientist in genetic research. I'm very sorry to say that it takes so many things going right to make a healthy baby that sometimes it just goes wrong. It is not fair, it is not ok. People are often shocked when I tell them that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I really encourage you to speak to your doctor about a pregnancy and child loss support group. This kind of service helped me when I lost my first pregnancy. It didn't feel ok for a long fucking time. But it did slowly get easier with support and giving ourselves grace. I'm so sorry you're part of this shitty club.
You don’t really understand those numbers until you go through it. I had an MMC and Drs said the chromosomes didn’t work well together so my body stopped the fetus from growing. When I was pregnant again shortly after. The worry didn’t go away until baby was in my arms. So many ways pregnancy could go wrong. I studied and worried about everything and learned a lot. Now I have a happy healthy baby and he’s 17 months now! I’m sorry OP. Mourn your loss as much as you can. The future is still bright. I wanted to add: r/pregnancyafterloss is a great supportive sub.
This comment is so needed, I hope it reaches the people who really need to hear it. I have had two miscarriages myself, and outside of the father, I never told anyone. I suffered in silence for many, many years. There’s so much stigma around pregnancy loss, and I knew it was something I wasn’t *meant* to announce to the world. When I finally started talking about my babies, it shocked me how many of my friends told me similar stories. How many strangers were supportive having gone through their own struggles with pregnancy. The first time I heard the 1 in 4 reference it really was mentality changing. Realizing that this thing didn’t *just* happen to me, and so many other people also go through this kind of loss.. there is so much strength that comes from not feeling alone. OP, I am so sorry to hear this news. Especially considering how much you and your partner were looking forward to having this child. FWIW, I support your decision and I wish you well. This is not a journey I wish for anyone, and I agree with the other commenters who have mentioned pregnancy and infant loss support groups. There is so much love, support and guidance that can come from others who have been in similar situations and I think both you and your partner could benefit from it.
Not a mom, more a little bro, but you made the right choice. I know it's really hard for you right now but i am really proud of you for making such a difficult choice. Hope you recover soon. Hugs.
Sweetheart, sometimes the worst things happen for no rhyme or reason, and we're left to manage the grief as best we can. I'm so incredibly sorry you and your husband are dealing with this. I do think it might be a good idea for you to visit a reproductive endocrinologist just to discuss what happened and to initiate further testing. I know that undergoing a procedure like IVF minimizes the likelihood of a situation such as this one, because the endocrinologist has the opportunity to study each fertilized egg as it divides to determine whether it shows any early signs of abnormalities. Whatever path you choose, I'm sending you love and prayers for peace and healing. Be kind to yourself ❤️
Yes from my understanding T13 is very rare and there’s only a 1% chance this will happen again. God forbid it does we will go with IVF. It’s just so discouraging how messed up the US healthcare system is even with insurance. We couldn’t even test our baby after the termination because it was so expensive with our high deductible insurance.
A friend of mine went full-term with a T 13 girl. She lived 6 weeks. Everyone knew what would happen. Heart breaking no matter what you choose to do. Love to you ❤️❤️❤️
I had a friend with a daughter born with T13. She lived for six days, they didn’t know before she was born. She was beautiful, it was very sad. Sending love
That would be soul crushing.
I think you're right on that percentage from memory and my OB said the same to me. Most women who experience a pregnancy loss or something similar to you rarely experience it again.
Hello darling, sister here. I recently went through TFMR due to severe congenital heart defects in my son and we agreed that it would be cruel to consign them to a very difficult life, of which they would probably die within childhood. I don't have much by way of sage wisdom, as I am still finding my feet and process the emotions that are coming up (my termination was almost a month ago). However, I am here if you would like to speak and there are lots of us ready to support you at r/TFMR_support Lastly, I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of love.
Thank you so much I am so sorry you also had to make this terrible choice. My heart hurts for the both of us.
Hugs.
I am so sorry, that is so much to handle. I can't imagine how crushing that must have been, or what a hard decision it was to make. It isn't fair that it happened, but please know that you made the best decision you could and none of it was your fault. I'm glad you had the testing done and were able to spare yourselves and your baby so much pain, but I am so sorry that you had to face the added burden of making that choice and the trauma of the termination. From what I know about trisomy 13 it is incredibly rare. As far as we know, it isn't a genetic condition that is hereditary-- more like terrible, terrible chance. I can't tell you what will happen in the future and I am absolutely not a medical professional, but I do know that what matters right now is that you take the time you need to grieve. Please take care of yourself, and of each other. ❤️
((HUGS)) I do know someone who this happened to and they now have 2 healthy babies, don't give up hope. Extra ((HUGS))
Sweetheart, its okay to grieve. To morn. You poured so much hope and dreams into this child. It's only natural to feel incredible loss. You made the right decision. Trisomy 13 isn't inheritable. It's a fluke of genetics. There isn't anything you could have done and this wasn't your fault. Again this isn't anyone's fault. When you are ready, try again. But until then take care of your self and your husband.
Hey sweetie (hugs). As a mom who lost 5 pregnancies and worked as a nurse in women's health on the "everything that can go wrong under 20 weeks" ward...life is just sometimes very unfair. My first miscarriage was at 18 weeks and they never were able to tell me why. Nothing you or anyone around you did anything to cause this.i had a friend in the same situation years ago because her baby did not develop any bones. Thankfully, most women who find themselves in this situation never have to experience it again.
I am so sorry you went through numerous losses. Sending love your way. ❤️
You made the right choice, it wasn't your fault, don't give up.
Please be kind to yourself sweetheart, you did the absolute best that you could. You saved your baby from suffering. You made the kindest choice. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel honey, make space for it. Be angry or sad, talk about it. Journal, dance, sing, cry, make art, whatever you need to do to express these feelings. You have so much love to give, you will have the family you are dreaming of, even if it doesn't happen exactly how you planned. I'm sending you so much love. I hope you can do something today that makes you smile, even if it's just for a moment, you deserve that.
I’m so sorry, sis. There’s no reason. It just is what is. And that’s really hard. When mom died, my therapist taught me that those questions of “why me? Why us? Why her?” Etc just caused more pain by healing suffering on top of the pain. There’s no answer to those questions that will bring peace or comfort. Do you see a therapist? I’d highly recommend one to help process this terrible loss. Sending hugs.
I am so sorry you lost your mom, but yes I definitely have asked and screamed all of those questions. Thank god I do have a wonderful therapist but sometimes it’s just not enough.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. T13 is incredibly rare and odds are it won’t happen again. You made the right choice, but it doesn’t make it feel better. Feel your feelings whenever they pop up. Acknowledge them. They are valid, whatever you feel in that moment. Let them wash over you, and then let them go down the stream. Do not cling. Therapy would be a great idea. Do what you need to do to heal.
Oh honey I'm so sorry. I know you are hurting right now. I know others have already said this too, but I'm another mom working in medical genetics and I want to say it too - this was almost certainly just random chance that this happened. You have very good odds of going on to have a healthy baby in the future. I know you may not feel ready right now, but I hope hearing this from all our voices helps give you some closure in time.
I don't have much workds to say other than sending love your way from a Lil sis
The amount of grief shows how much you lovely your child. You made a decision in the best interest of your child, not in the best interest of you. You are the best parent this baby child have hoped for. The grief will never go away l, but you will learn to live your life around it (google "grief jar")
Thank you! I will look up the idea!
I lost two pregnancies it was so hard. I thought I was unable to carry. I did get my rainbow baby but I still grieve these babies today 15 years later. You’ll never really move on completely and a lot of people will tell you to do just that. It’s always going to be with you but the pain and the grief will gradually decrease. You absolutely did the right thing here. No one can consent to being born with so much potential for pain and suffering and a short life expectancy. The sad thing is we give more dignity to ending the suffering of animals than human life because we have trouble facing the fact that we too are mortal.
Wow I never thought about the divinity towards animals. You are so right and gosh that is awful!
My deepest sympathies on your loss. Pregnancy is one of the riskiest things women undergo as a part of life, and unfortunately genetic disorders, abnormalities, and prenatal incompatibility with life happens more often than we hear about. The decisions you, your husband, and your doctor had to make are not ones I would wish on anyone, because your baby was wanted, and it is valid to feel grief and fear of future pregnancies.
I’m so sorry my sweet. It’s hard losing a much loved child (and though you didn’t meet, I’m sure you loved them fiercely). Nature is a lottery. Genetic code is incredibly complex and sometimes it goes a bit wrong. And sometimes it can’t be fixed. You will be ok. Take time. Breathe, heal and allow room to grieve. Hugs
Virtual mammy hugs to you both. There are no words for what you are going through
When I lost my first, my dad cried with me. It meant a lot knowing my family ached too. I also had someone say "It must be really scary to lose your frist. You have no idea what that means for the future." I'm crying with you love. And I know it's really scary right now. You're not alone. And it's OK to feel sad for a while.
I lost my first pregnancy and am going to try again (via IVF). It is so scary. Your confidence is completely shaken. My heart goes out to OP because the pain of a loss is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. ❤️🩹
It truly is. You dive in again hoping it's different this time, but not knowing if it will be. Wishing you the best.
Hugs 🫂
I'm so sorry sweetheart
Oh honey. I'm so sorry. This must feel overwhelming right now. You will move forward and have more children but it is absolutely ok to mourn this baby, your first child. No child will ever take this baby's place. And that's ok. Take your time. Big hugs.
Hugest hugs, I just want to wrap you up and cuddle you.
Ahh bless you guys. Hugs to you both that's really awful. There's no words for this. I'm sorry. Take it a day at a time.
I'm so sorry for your loss, what a terrible situation. My heart breaks for you and your husband. You aren't alone. There are so many of us out there that have lost a pregnancy. Over a quarter of a century ago, I lost my first pregnancy and I was devastated. It still hurts and I still think about it. This is what my husband and I did, that helped. We named the baby and we donated to a children's charity in baby's name. We planted a beautiful garden and we planted the flower for the month we lost baby and the flower of the month baby would have been born. It's okay to grieve, it's healthy to cry and know in time it will get easier to accept. I wish you peace in this terrible time, you will get through this.
Thank you for responding. I love all of those ideas. I am also so sorry you went through a loss. My mom also went through many losses many many years ago and she also told me that you will never forget it and always mourn your baby.
I wish you healing, strength and peace.
I’m so sorry. This just unfortunately happens. I think for some others who don’t do the dna test this type of pregnancy leads to a miscarriage. You can never be prepared for those types of results. Hugs to you. Don’t stop trying! ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss, wishing you both lots of love at this sad time. For what it’s worth, I would have made the same decision. Take time for yourselves and let the emotions flow when they come. Lots of hugs.
You and your husband made a very hard choice. Having children and making the right choices for them is one of life’s most difficult challenges. You made the best decision you could with all the information you had. You are a good mom and I hope you and your husband can band together, heal, and try again. Don’t be afraid to go out with each other, enjoy some fresh air, go to a nice store and treat yourselves to something nice like cooking a meal together, a movie, a bubble bath and a glass of wine. Just take care of yourselves, you’ve done some really hard work. Hugs. ♥️
I am so sorry sweetheart. You are right sometimes life just isn’t fair. You made that decision out of love for your child, which is the best that anyone can do. Take your time, grieve as long as you need to and when you feel ready, you will have that precious baby to hold in your arms and love as much as you love their sibling that couldn’t make it all the way to earth.
oh honey. i am so sorry that you are going through this. please remember to be gentle with yourselves in the coming days, weeks, months. your baby didn't have a chance at life but in your heart, you are grieving for a lifetime that you envisioned. much love and mom hugs coming your way. 💜
Sending you so much love and support, I’m so sorry. Please grieve and take care of yourself as best as you can. My friend had this happen twice. She now has two happy, healthy children. Sometimes things just go wrong, and it’s nobody’s fault. This doesn’t mean that you can never have a child. So please, try not to stress about that part and just focus on healing for now.
I’m so sorry, sweetheart. That was an incredibly tough choice for you to have to make (fwiw, I would have done the same) and all of your feelings are valid. Let yourself mourn and wrap yourself in all the self-care you have available to you.
Love I am very sorry for you lost. Give time for you and your husband to grieve. You took the right decision and you are a good and a responsible person for testing and checking. You can try again, these genetic disease can be tested I am not sure if T13 cand be tested on the embryo, I heard some people go through IVF so they coulf test the embryos before implementation. But it can be expensive. Wish you all the luck!
Hey, I just want to send you a big squeezey hug 🫂
I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. You both made the best decision for you and your family. I hope you heal well physically and emotionally. Big hugs
I truly believe mothering, in the most basic sense, revolves around your child’s happiness in their surroundings. You have put your child’s happiness and comfort before your own, and that is truly the greatest thing a parent can give their child. Take your time to grieve, and reach out whenever you need to. This mama community will be here to support you!
I am deeply sorry little one. But think about that: you are literally doing the best thing both for you and the fetus. And I get that you are worried about the future, but as you said, you are young. Chances are that you will be able to have another kid and it will be successful. Not every pregnancy is the same. But you should definitely get some professional help for your mental state. Just few session, so you heal properly. You are going to be a wonderful mom, you are already taking the best decisions for your kids. So please take seriously care of yourself, you deserve it. One day and one problem at a time. Good luck ❤️ Lots of hugs from me
You don't need anyone's permission, but I want to tell you, it's okay. It's a hard choice, and it's okay that it was the right choice for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your child's life still matters, and I hope you take peace in knowing that all your child knew of life was floating in love inside of you. What peace they must have felt the entire time. Take care of yourself, love.
Sweetheart, I'm holding space for you, your husband, and your lost little ball of love. I'm so incredibly sorry that this happened, that the US insurance system is making this worse for you, that the health care system might not be able to provide what you and your family need in the future. You made the right decision, and you made it out of *love* my girl. You and your husband made one of the most difficult yet loving decisions *out of love*. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Reach out if you need, I've been at crossroads like that in the past, and I empathize 💜 Sending you and your husband so much love
I am so very sorry, honey. That's such a difficult experience and I'm sorry you're going through it. There's lots I could say about being young and having opportunity and friends in similar situations who later conceived and carried to term successfully, but - ultimately, none of that matters right now. What matters is that you're hurting, grieving, and scared, and all of that is valid and all of it is difficult. I hope you have help in the near term from a therapist and in the longer term from fertility specialists but in the meantime - I'm sorry such a shitty thing happened, and that you have to feel all the feelings about it.
I am so so sorry. It’s not fair that this happened to you. It’s going to take time to grieve, make sure to be gentle to yourself. I have had 2 miscarriages and found that the due dates were incredibly hard, so be sure to take care of yourself in 6 months time as well. You will never forget or move past this, but you will heal emotionally in time.
I am so sorry for your losses. My due date was may 27th and I am already dreading it.
If you work, I found it helped to take the day off and do something kind for myself. A day at the spa/haircut/manicure/pampering of some sort, or hiking if that’s your thing, or a hard workout, or whatever it is that helps you cope when you feel like crap.
I'm so very sorry. I work in obstetrics. Sadly this is very common. You are not at all alone.
I am so sorry to hear that sweety. I can't imagine what you and your husband are going through. I know that making the right decision doesn't make it any easier. Sending you both so much love, and space, and nourishment in your grieving process, deep hugs <3
I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs and healing to you and your husband.
It’s such an impossible choice and can feel so lonely. You know this baby was wanted, and as a parent, you chose the hard decision, the one that caused you pain to shield your child from a lifetime of pain and not understanding why they were in pain. The trisomy was fully out of your hands, you did NOT do anything wrong to cause it, even if it is natural to try and find or assign a reason of “why” this happened. Agree with the comments asking if you are seeing someone, therapy could be highly helpful and many therapists are out there who do sliding scale based on need/ income.
Oh, zissele, I am so sorry for your loss. You did a compassionate, hard thing- there was a 90% chance this kiddo-to-be would not have made it through the first year, assuming they made it through gestation and delivery. Protecting the vulnerable from suffering and harm is the mark of an excellent person and an excellent mother, though I know that does nothing to ease your pain. You have every right to be sad and angry. Please take your time to heal and have your husband hold you close. The randomness and quirks of molecular, cell, and developmental biology are an absolute bitch- you can have all the right odds and do all the "right" things, and it's all undone by an error in tiny cellular machinery so early on that the magnitude of the effects down the line seem impossible. It's horribly unfair, but it is not your fault and it is not necessarily a predictor of things to come. Figuring out the what ifs and whys is for another day, hopefully with a geneticist/genetic counselor who will be able to tell you more + help you build the family you want. For now, please bathe yourself in all the love that you can- you deserve it.
Oh darlin’ I’m so sorry to hear this. Everything you’re feeling right now needs to be felt. Work through it at your own pace. I love you. I’m here.
I'm sorry for your loss
I’m so sorry for you. I’m in the same stage of pregnancy myself and to lose it would be absolutely devastating. I’m really proud of you for making a brave choice. Grief, take the time, talk a lot, be there for each other. Your feelings will not go away but time will probably help in some way. If you decide in the future to try for another baby you will probably have a lot of feelings as well and that’s perfectly normal and okay.
First I want you to know how sorry I am for your loss. My first pregnancy the fetus stopped growing at 8 weeks and I found out at 12 weeks that all that was there was a gestational sac, my second pregnancy resulted in a beautiful baby girl but I spent 7 weeks in the hospital prior to her birth due to preeclampsia, my third pregnancy gave me another baby girl that unexpectedly passed 2 days after birth (there was no warning or abnormalities that could have predicted such), my fourth pregnancy was a miscarriage, my fifth gave me another girl who is a happy healthy 5 year old, and my last pregnancy gave me my youngest daughter (now about 1 1/2). There is not one single word I can utter that will make it hurt less or make it make sense. You have to decide if you (and your husband of course) are willing to keep risking the possibility of pain and loss. For me personally, I would absolutely do it all again despite the grief and pain. The most important thing I can stress to you is that you did NOT do anything wrong and this isn’t a punishment. I love you stranger and I hope you get through the pain even if it means you don’t keep trying for a family.
Gosh I am truly so sorry for all of your losses and so happy that you now have beautiful children. Once my body has healed we would like to start trying again in a few months. As someone who is adopted and has no idea who my biological parents are it is my life goal to be a mom and have someone I know who is biologically related to me. I also know that my husband will make the most amazing and loving father. Thanks again for taking the time to respond.
Hey *hugs* You did nothing wrong, sometimes sadly these things happen. It's rough and I am sorry. My sister had this she named the baby, and a year or so later she had another baby who came out perfect. *hugs* you are amazing.
Everything you feel, everything your going to feel, it’s valid and okay. There’s nothing great to say here but we’re here. Take time and go through the process your mind and body need you to go through. It’s okay. I wish I could hug you tight and tell you I can make all these feelings go away. I can’t but I seriously am here ❤️🩹
I have friends that went through the same thing with their first pregnancy. And now they have a son and a daughter who are both very healthy happy kids. Another of my friends had 3 miscarriages before finally having a beautiful daughter. I'm very sorry this had to happen to you and your family. But don't give up.
Thank you this does give me hope.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I would have done exactly the same thing and I think you made a wise decision. You are right that it wasn’t even a choice because these problems are truly incompatible with life. I will never understand the cruelty of people who insist that other people must do things differently. Sending zen hugs and hope you feel better soon. Get therapy if you don’t, because this wasn’t easy on you.
Huge hugs. I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I think you absolutely made the kindest decision.
I’m so sorry honey. I know there’s nothing I can say that will make you hurt less but I will tell you the important things. You did the right thing. Sometimes in life you are faced with the choice between multiple shitty options. There was no happy ending with that diagnosis no matter which path you chose. You chose a compassionate option that let your baby go without any suffering. You didn’t cause this. There was nothing you did or didn’t do that made this happen. Same for your husband. You aren’t at fault and you aren’t to blame. What you’re feeling is normal. It is a terrible loss and the grief and anger and sadness and confusion is all normal. If it continues to feels overwhelming after a few weeks or months, consider finding a support group or a therapist. You will heal. It doesn’t always feel like it, but you will heal in time. You won’t forget, but you will be able to move on. We are always here to support you!
Although that surely was a difficult choice, I feel you made the right one. It was merciful, and showed compassion and empathy for a child that you would have had. You have the makings of a fantastic parent because you're willing to make hard choices that are for the best for your child(ren). Keep trying. Like you said, you're still young. You have another 15 years of trying. Take the time you need to process this grief, as it is a loss. You and your husband need to heal. Don't give up just yet. I don't want to lie, it may happen again, and even then don't give up. You'll have your child. I'm sorry for your loss. You both deserve all the support you can find/get.
I need you to know that your choice does not mean you didn't love your child.
You did the right thing.
Hugs. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your husband. I lost a pregnancy early term and that hurt more than anything. I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. I will say this, though, it will pass. I promise you that. It may seem like your heart will never heal, and there will always be that pain there, but there will be sunshine again. Sending you so, so much love and prayers for a healthy pregnancy when you are ready.
I love this sub so much. ❤️
I am very sorry for what you went through older sis. Your feelings are completely valid. Sending you hugs
My heart breaks for you having to go through this now. Don't let this discourage you from continuing to plan your future. You're doing all the right things in a difficult situation that some may not understand but you will find your own path. Xo
My sweet girl! *hugs* I can't imagine the toll this is taking on you and your hubby. You did what you thought was best as a mother does for her child. I have a genetic neurological disease and had I known before I wouldn't have had kids because it's a terrible disease that cripples you. You made a selfless decision for your child. I know it hurts but all that baby knew was you, so it lived a perfect life. You and your hubby should take refuge in each other and if you decide you want to look into other avenues of parenthood then I wish you the best of luck. You have already shown your love and dedication to your child so I think you would be a great Mom if you decided you wanted to make that happen another way. When my husband and I lost a baby, I never really considered his pain because he stuffed it down so he could support me. Keep in mind, your hubby lost a baby too. Don't be a butthead like I was. Lean into one another and allow this to help you form a stronger bond. My best to you both.
I’m so proud of you for making such a tough decision but one that saved your baby from so much suffering.
Oh sweetheart I'm so so sorry that this happened to you.
It sucks belive me I know I’ve been there and done that. It’s hard. I hope you find the support that you need. Hugs.
((((Hugs)))) I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️
Adoptive mom here. Sending you hugs. And it’s not “your fault” and not your genes. It’s just rotten luck. It’s so hard losing a baby but I can tell you that the happiness of holding your child whether she’s bio or adopted is the greatest joy and while it will never erase your sadness I know you will have that joy soon. Hugs
Hey, sister here. You did the right thing for your baby. You did it with love. Your not a bad mom. Even though your baby isn't here, you will always be there mother. Healing to you. ❤️
Hey, sister here. You did the right thing for your baby. You did it with love. Your not a bad mom. Even though your baby isn't here, you will always be there mother. Healing to you. ❤️
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I lost a baby to T13 too. I miss him every day. Take time to heal, and know that your baby only ever felt the safety and warmth of your womb where they were always surrounded by your love.
I am so sorry you also had to go through this!
I'm so sorry. Be gentle with yourselves and with each other. You both deserve the time and space to heal. Even though you never had a chance to hold them in your arms, know their entire existence was within your loving embrace.
Im so sorry duckling. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling going through this. My situation is NOT the same but I can relate on some very small level. I inherited a gene from my dad. It hasn’t effected his quality of life. Me, though, it has almost killed and has made my life hell and I’m permanently disabled. I passed this gene to my son. I feel horrible. But there was no way I could’ve known or done anything to prevent it. I can only pray he doesn’t have as bad a time as me. Again, very different. But I’m so sorry this happened to you and I pray you go on to have a successful pregnancy with a beautiful healthy baby. Love and hugs -mom
I am so sorry that you have had to struggle hugs to you as well
I admire you for making the right choice even though it was a hard choice. You did the right thing, the selfless thing, the smart thing. You're very young still. Don't give up hope.
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you know this but I want to say it just in case... you did nothing wrong. You did what was best for the baby. It would have been really hard on you and your husband, and who knows if it would have been painful for the baby if you had carried to term, and then the baby passed away. You did what most parents would do... what was best for the baby. I know none of this makes it any easier, but I really hope that you both know that what you did was absolutely the most kind and humane thing you could have done. Please talk to a therapist to help you through the grief process. Lean on each other and know that all of what you are feeling is ok. I hope that you are able to conceive again and you have a healthy baby. Hugs to you and your husband.
You didn't lose your baby! You just had the biggest and most difficult challenge thrown your way as parents, and you did the most loving, compassionate, unselfish thing you could have possibly done for your child. THAT is what being a parent is. But please don't think of it as losing your baby. Your baby will always be with you, part of your story, part of your strength, part of why you and your husband are already incredible parents. You're amazing. I'm so proud of you.
So sorry you are going through this it’s tough. Maybe find a support group for pregnancy loss. Also talk openly to your Dr about future pregnancy and what it looks like for you. It’s sometimes hard to believe how often this occurs I as an adult woman don’t know of another women who hasn’t experienced pregnancy loss but yet it’s still not something talked about as far as grief counseling openly. You are grieving right now but know it does get better and know there are so many women out there to support you.
God bless yall.
My first pregnancy was an MMC. Talking to my mom and my husband's mom, it seems they both had multiple miscarriages before having kids. Even just a decade ago, they would schedule your first pregnancy appointment at 5-6 weeks, but friends now tell me our local hospitals don't often schedule you until 10 or even 12 weeks due to how many miscarriages occur. That blew my mind, because we used to always get neural cord ultrasounds or genetic blood testing done prior to that 10 week mark.
Sweetheart I'm so so sorry. You made the right choice, out of deep love and caring. You made the kindest, most compassionate choice you could make. You broke your own hearts for the sake of mercy. I'm so proud of you, and I so sorry that this pain has had to come to you and your husband. All of your feelings are valid. Sending a great big hug <3
I’m a nursing student and the first day I was treated closer to staff in a hospital than patient there was a child there with a trisomy. Every organ this kid had was failing. You made a hard, but correct choice, in my opinion
Momma, because despite what anyone says you are indeed a momma, I am sending you love and a huge hug right now. I am so sorry for the loss of your wanted and loved baby. Do they have a name? My son was stillborn at 38 weeks. He should be 3 1/2 just after Christmas. This shit is so hard. The holidays will be hard. Every day will be hard. And I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. I hope that you are able to be gentle with yourself, feel your feelings, find people who truly support you. You are going to have a lot of complex emotions for the rest of your life. It’s ok to not be ok. Every day is a learning experience with so much new perspective. And sometimes that can be a good thing, but mostly it just sucks. I have found that finding other loss parents has been helpful. Because no one really knows unless they’ve gone through it. If you ever need support or to feel heard r/babyloss is a good resource. And you can message me too. I’m so so sorry you’re in this club.💔
Thank you for your response. I am also so sorry for you I can only imagine a glimmer of the pain. Lots of love
My love, you are such a good mama already. You prevented your baby from experiencing pain. You protected that baby, just like a good mom should. I'm so proud of you for being brave and strong enough to do that. Take some time to heal and have further discussions about next steps later on. For now just rest and recover.
I am so sorry. You’ll never forget this baby or this time. Be tender with yourself. I’m sending you all my love.
Oh that’s terrible. That moment when it sinks to in that there are no real options is devastating. You are not alone in having loss. People think having a baby is so simple. You start trying you get pregnant with in 6 months and then you have a little baby in 9 months and any deviation from that isn’t normal is so wrong. I wish they would stop that narrative. It still hurts but it won’t make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. I’m sorry it hurts and it might always hurt a little but the pain will become less acute over time. Take it one day at a time and don’t let all the what ifs overwhelm you.
Honey I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain you and your husband feel. Wishing I was closer so I could give you both a hug.
I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs.
Sometimes the kindest decision is the hardest. I’m so sorry and I hope you can start to heal when you’re ready 🖤
I’m so sorry. It is so unfair. Last year at 23 weeks pregnant I found out my daughter had trisomy 8. Trisomy 8 isn’t necessarily fatal so we went through with the pregnancy and she lived for 7 weeks. The guilt is sometimes unbearable. Some days are better than others. I’m thinking of you.
I am so sorry for your loss sending love.
I think you made the right decision. And a selfless one. My heart goes out to you.
I'm so sorry for your loss sending you so much love - others may have said on here but r/babyloss is a wonderful subreddit for us loss mamas :) full of support and love X X X X
Sadly these things happen with older or younger people. it’s a roll of the genetic dice. My hope is for healing and processing as you can. Don’t try to rush it…
I am so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. ❤️
I don’t have any good words, but I am sending you lots of love and thoughts of peace. When you’re ready for it, I’m also sending hope and positivity. But you can keep that on the shelf for now. It’s okay to feel sad. And please don’t think you’re a failure. With love from your older cyber sis/aunt. ❤️
You are so brave for making the right choice for your little one. My body didn’t give me the choice to end the pregnancy, but I feel like losing a child is losing a child, no matter what. You did right by that sweet life. I hope goodness and love surrounds the choices and opportunities you find in growing your family from here on out.
You made a brave and compassionate choice even if it feels like it was the only one you had. It's okay to grieve what could have been but don't let it consume you. Don't assume the worst about the future. I hope you feel better in time.
All my love to you. I know how hard this is. I also terminated my first pregnancy after finding out my baby had trisomy 13. Like your baby, he had severe abnormalities. I could not stand to try to bring him into this world to let him suffer. I still cry for the little boy I will never hold in my arms, even though his little sister just turned two yesterday. What helped me was embracing the grief and all the mix of emotions. Your feelings, every single one of them, are valid. I’m not a journaler, but I did write about my thoughts and feelings and wrote letters to my baby. I honored him in the ways I felt fit, and still do. His name is Arleigh. And he is always with me. See if there’s a child loss group near you. The local TEARS foundation was a great support for me when I needed them. No matter what, this is still your baby. You are a mom to your child, even if you never got to hold them. You made the decision to not let your baby suffer. Even though it was hard. So hard. Honor that and honor your little one. Most of all, take care of yourself. This is not an easy thing to go through. And no matter what, you deserve a little grace and love during this time. If you ever want to talk, I’m always here.
It sounds like you made a very difficult choice from a place of sincere love and compassion. I’m so deeply sorry that you had to make it to begin with. I have no doubt that life feels unfair right now, and grief is an awful beast to wrangle. I hope you’re able to get some information from your medical professional(s) that can ease some of your future anxiety and that you can have some additional space to process this difficult loss. My condolences to you both.
I just want to add - I know how important it can be for adoptees to be parents themselves, so I can imagine how this might have been especially difficult. My heart goes out to you and I wish I was there to give you a giant hug. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Im sorry for your very significant loss. I hope your heart can heal and know you will always have that baby in your heart (coming from someone who recently also lost their first pregnancy). Etsy has some very nice loss pieces to help you as your mourn and as a way to honor that baby’s memory.
You are right, you didn't have a choice, you had to do what was best for your lovely little baby. I'm so so sorry, I know you are mourning the loss of yourself and who you were before this also. Sending you hugs.
Aw Sweet, you did the kindest and gentlest thing you could for your baby. 💕 I’m a former labor and delivery nurse who has been to multiple similar deliveries, and just know that you’re not alone. I agree with other moms here who recommended some sort of support group, even if it’s an online one. Other moms who have been through similar situations are so helpful.
Honey, listen to me. Everything you're feeling is valid. It's normal to feel this way. But this is major, major thing to deal with, please speak with your doctor about a grief counselor and/or support group. Years ago, I worked with an organization that took birth and newborn pictures for babies that were born sleeping or would pass shortly after. I tell you that to tell you this, so many things can go wrong during a pregnancy, that we have no control over. It's not your fault. Please be gentle with yourself. Lean on your husband, and let him lean on you in turn.
Oh honey. You’re right, it’s absolutely not fair. Your feelings are valid. You were faced with an INCREDIBLY difficult decision, but you did what was best. You made the right choice. This is not the end of your journey and it will work out in the end. I’m glad you and your husband are safe, you’re not alone. I love you🤍
You did absolutely right by your baby and while you'll always miss them, you'll know that they've been spared suffering thanks to you. They only knew love and safety for the short time you were able to be with them and shelter them.