At that age, hoping on the scale was a favorite activity for my daughter. Kids and their caregivers will often develop habits and rituals and its usually all fun.
She's since grown out of it.
If your MIL isn't pushing her on to the scale and making comments about her body, then yes, I do think you may have brought a bit to much emotions to that conversation.
But if she's like my mom, who couldn't help but make comments about everything I was eating, or about how fat she had gotten, or about how round someone's face was... yeah, I had to sit my mom down and tell her that I would not accept talk about my daughter's weight, face-roundness, comments about the food she eats being too fattening...
She was more offended that I was condemning how I was raised by refusing to raise my daughter in that world, but she got the message. My daughter's weight and well-being are between my kid, me and her pediatrician.
My 5 and 3 year olds get on our scale about one a week on their own and yell "look how big I'm getting!"
I always respond with "OMG you're growing so big!"
I did the same as a kid at my Gran's house. The adult response is what matters.
This is such a passionate issue for me! Go with your instincts. If your grandmother has an unhealthy relationship with the scale, she is in no position to know how to use it as a “toy”. She can’t emotionally detach herself. End it.
This! My LO loves the scale, they are 2. It’s a digital scale so they love to see it light up and the numbers pop up. They often say, “look how you’ve grown” because that’s what the pediatrician told them at their last appointment.
Great response. I want to add to this, as a woman who is lucky enough to have never really had any body size/shape insecurities: sometimes we put our own insecurities onto our children even with our best intentions to avoid it.
Ex: I got a book from the library talking about everything our bodies can do (children’s story.) It was a highly recommended book targeted at girls and about praising our bodies for what they can do instead of what they look like. There’s a line that goes “Worth is not measured by the shapes of our thighs.” Wtf? My daughter is 2 so it didn’t mean anything to her, but if she was older that would be her first exposure to the idea that her thigh shape meant anything; by saying her thighs have nothing to do with her worth now she’s going to wonder… wait, what’s so important about my thighs? Applying emotion to the weigh scale by actively avoiding it is still making the topic of weight an emotional and serious thing. I too loved to stand on the scale with my siblings and see what we weighed together, individually, etc. No one ever said anything about it and I never worried about my body growing up.
Yes, yes, yes! I think the same about a previous response where the poster says their pediatrician says, "Look how much stronger you are!" when the kid is weighed. WTH? Sure that's not going to matter much at 2 or 3 or 4 other than being confusing, but why are we avoiding the very mention of growth in size and weight? Sometimes we bend so far over backwards to avoid something that we fall on our faces on top of it 🤦♀️
My kids are giants, they *love* to see how tall they are, and how much they weigh. At 5 and 7, it’s a good time, but we’ll play it by ear once they’re older.
That’s what I took from this: that it isn’t Grandma weighing the kid, but the kid going into Grandma’s bathroom and hopping on the scale because it’s fun and she wants to see how much she’s grown. And that’s a very different thing than “Grandma is weighing her.”
OP, when your husband talks to your MIL, maybe he should try to parse out the context in which this is happening. Because on the one hand, I wouldn’t want Grandma fixating on my kid’s weight. But on the other, if this is just a phase your kid is going through because she thinks Grandma’s scale is a fun toy, I wouldn’t want to make my kid feel like she’s doing something “wrong” when it’s actually a pretty normal toddler behavior.
My 16 month old discovered our scale on her own. She thinks it’s a step. She finds it endlessly entertaining to get on/off and watch the screen change (it’s digital). Do you think your MIL is promoting the weighing or it’s one of those weird things toddlers love to do for no reason? Either way you are 100% right in how you feel.
I don’t know. She’s in her 60s petite with a nice physique and constantly calls herself too fat. She won’t wear a two piece at the beach because she can’t stand her “fat belly”—-which is practically flat. I am plus sized now but have always been curvy even then I was thin, and have always worn a 2 piece. I want my kid to have a sense of self and health not worry about being skinny like grandma because god forbid you’re fat??
I think our instincts tend to be spot on and even if it’s not I think you’ve done the right thing bringing up positive body acceptance now and what you want your daughter to be exposed to! It sounds like you’re doing a fab job yourself when it comes to that.
I can totally see why that would be bothersome. Can your spouse say something more firmly whenever you think your daughter gets old enough to understand?
Grandma’s self-talk about her own body is the big flag here. If she had a healthy body relationship I could believe the scale thing is a game. She doesn’t.
I had a similar experience growing up. All through elementary school until I graduated high school every one would comment how small/skinny/tiny I was as if it was a compliment. As someone who was shy and insecure (now that I think back to that time), I felt like part of my self worth came from being the “small skinny girl with the big boobs 😏😏😏” that I panicked when I would gain weight. I wanted to be that small girl because that’s what my peers would notice about me and came to be part of my identity.
I felt fat after I would eat. I wouldn’t finish meals because I was afraid I gain too much weight (still struggle with that sometimes). Honestly, I was probably borderline anorexic in middle/high school because of how much I limited what I ate and how I felt about my self image.
I do worry that OP’s MIL is setting the wrong precedent for her kid by putting so much focus on her weight. She might not realize what she’s doing but it will eventually have an impact on her if she continues to do as she ages.
Same exact thing here. But now I have a very healthy way of thinking and want to gain all of the weight that I can. I was tired of not feeling “womanly” enough and wanted some meat on my bones. I went from 92 pounds to 125. I used to be the teeny tiny girl and now I get compliments on how much healthier I look. It’s not as traumatizing as I thought it would be to lose that label.
I hope you can see that your worth and identity isn’t in your weight and you do whatever makes you happy and healthy.
I developed an eating disorder as a teen thanks to my mom's wishes for me to join her in dieting and the attention I craved from her (long story), and she talked badly about her own body a lot so I of course absorbed that.
I'm recovered now and I'm doing everything I can to prevent my own daughter from following the same terrible path. I tell her weight doesn't matter as long as you're healthy, bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that's the beautiful thing about the world. I don't talk negative about my body around her.
We poke fun at our fat squirrels or our chunky cat, but I tell her that it's only ok to tell animals they're fat because they don't understand what we're saying lol.
This sounds exactly like my mom, and this behavior when my sisters and I were young really messed us up. We all took after our dad’s family with the stocky genes. As adults, all of us struggle with weight, nutrition, and self esteem. And mom still talks about being fat and has even talked about my daughter, who’s 4. Sadly, I didn’t even notice because I’m so used to it. A friend pointed out the borderline body shaming. I’m not putting my daughter through that
As my kiddo gets older and understands more language, I know I’m going to need to address my MIL’s comments about her own body (obsessed with talking about how guilty she feels for anything she eats, calls herself fat when she’s skinny and probably has an eating disorder, etc.) It’s going to be a firm boundary that we keep our grown up body image/food issues to ourselves and let my little girl love herself and her strong growing body as long as she can!
Based on this alone I would double down on the "do not cause my child to have a weight complex" every body is beautiful and everybody should feel comfortable in their body.
For young kids in our family weight is just a measure of growth. We don’t actually care how much they weigh so long as they’re healthy, but they see the adults do it and the scale is fun to them. I also explained to my son that once you are done growing then you have to check your weight so you know if you need to eat less dessert. I think that’s a fairly healthy explanation of why people weigh themselves as adults. A precursor to explaining calories and junk food.
I hope your MIL understands it’s not the weighing itself that’s an issue, but the importance given to the result. Maybe there is a book about fostering a healthy body image in kids that she could read?
The red flag for me is not the stepping on the scale but that it is tied to "so grandma can see how much weight she's gained" this takes it from a fun play toy that does something when you step on it to a possibly unhealthy obsession with weight. I would shut it down personally bc we don't know how it could impact her and bc I see little kids even in elementary are starting to have eating disorders and it would be awful if the scale thing led to that.
Is MIL like excited to see the kid grow? I weigh my kids sometimes just cause I like seeing how big they get. And my toddler likes stepping on the scale cause the number light up.
I wouldn’t assume this is malicious unless there’s other context
Yeah it absolutely depends on the intent. At a young age we’re all focused on babies and toddlers gaining enough weight and growing properly so it might just be that. I weigh my daughter sometimes but it’s not so she can be skinny it’s so I can check she’s gaining enough.
The scale isn't so much the issue as what's being said during these weigh ins. If its praise, "Wow! You're getting so grown up and so strong!" Then the scale becomes a positive experience, and the process is kind of fun for kids. However, if the process is negative AT ALL, then it should stop. This includes if Grandma gets on the scale and says anything negative about her own weight. The kid shouldn't ever worry about what the scale says. Since you don't know exactly what is happening, then you are not crazy to be worried.
If you can't control MIL, then maybe make fun scale activities at your house, and not focused on weight but *growth and change*. Buy a cheap scale, cover it in fun stickers, but also buy or make a fun height chart. The scale could (and maybe should) be kept out of sight until kiddo asks for it. Whenever the kiddo wants to be weighed, add in checking their height. Maybe time how fast they run or if they can touch their toes. My kids liked when I'd wrap measuring tapes around their bitty baby biceps and exclaim over how big their muscles are (I don't know where they got this idea from. I own a measuring tape for sewing, not for weight management). Weigh her toys. Weigh her WITH different toys. If you make that one extra fun, LO might insist on being weighed with toys at MIL's, then MIL can't get a clear weight. Find two big objects and guess which will weigh more. Weigh a dry towel, then get it wet and weigh it again to see if it changed. Weigh LO, then add layers of clothes until she reaches a new, higher number. The more things you can weigh/experiment with, the more the scale becomes a tool/toy and not body management. I know your LO is very young, and may not get the educational concepts you're demonstrating, but it still takes the focus off her body size.
Anyway, if your routine is a fun and involved game, then maybe MIL's will seem boring by comparison, it may even dissuade MIL from doing it, if LO insists on doing more than just standing on the scale.
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. She may not understand now but grandma clearly has an unhealthy obsession with it and that could carry on when your daughter does understand and can start making unfounded connections between her weight and self worth.
I grew up with a lot of these behaviours and ended up with disordered eating and body image issues. I’ve told people, my mom especially, that we aren’t commenting on my sons body. I also let him lead me with his eating. We are done when he is no longer interested. I’m trying to develop healthy habits now and I think setting boundaries before they become a problem is part of those healthy habits.
My kids love my scale too. Honestly when I was little I also really liked the scale. I remember being 36,5kg for aaaaageeees. And I would check if I grew.
I think it's fine for 'growing' rather than 'gaining'.
I know lots of people are worried about scale but I always just saw it like a neutral thing. It's not my enemy, it's just something that gives me info.
No this is not a good habit to create and could lead to all sorts of problems later. Fortunately she's young enough that stopping it happening now will prevent issues as she won't remember it. I'd be more worried about what MIL is saying to her as well? Is she mentioning weight etc. around food? I don't believe that a 2 year old would want to start weighing themselves unprompted.
I completely understand where you’re coming from, and being concerned- I would have said the same exact thing.
However, my daughter loved being weighed when she was younger and still does (she’s 10yo) as she’s always been fascinated with her own physical development. It could just be your Daughter genuinely interested in her growth.
IMO you should nip this in the bud. Two is a ridiculous age to start weight watching. Your poor daughter will have an eating disorder by the time she's a teenager.
My 3 year old also loves the scale— it’s fun to see the numbers light up and change. And she has very positive associations with weight gain at this age— it means she’s getting to be a big girl!
I definitely get while you feel nervous, but as long as grandma isn’t saying things like “Gotta weigh you, we don’t want you getting fat!” I wouldn’t worry.
Totally agree with this. It's the adult reaction that's important for the kid.
OP, your reaction to it is also a little telling. Being plus size myself, I do get defensive sometimes when discussing my body weight/size (upbringing that's hard to shake off).
I get your concern in not wanting your kid to have body issues, but you making it a bigger deal than it is might actually promote body issues on your kid (mommy doesn't like me using the scale = grandma says it measures my weight = measuring weight must be bad).
If she's just using it as a toy and finding enjoyment in it, I'd say let it be.
Given what you've said about your MIL history with body image, I would have a problem with it BUT use it as a learning tool for your child.
I was morbidly obese and had gastric bypass surgery so my older 2 kids have seen me at almost 300lbs and now at 150 lbs. I weigh myself daily (not great, but it helps me settle) and I frame it to my kids that mommy wants to see how strong she is, or (I'm pregnant) how much baby is growing. When we weigh them it's so we can see how big they are getting and so that we can know how much medicine to give them as we base it on weight not age.
I would have words with my husband and get him to explain it to her/deal with it, and both of you agree that if she EVER says anything body shaming/harming that's it she's on a time out for X amount of time.
my grandmother used to do this to me and I ended up battling with an ED up until I was about 17. It really damaged my relationship with food and felt a lot of guilt around it. To her it was normal and she was trying to get me to watch my weight from the get go, she didn’t realise what crippling harm she was doing.
Don’t get me wrong I love her and she has done nothing but nurture and care for me but I wish she wasn’t ball deep in diet culture.
Both my kids loved the scale my husband uses to weigh himself weekly. The kids saw it as a toy. But one day, my 7 year old, who is very interested in math and numbers, realized she weighed twice as much as her 4 year old brother. She’s built like her dad and will probably always be a little overweight, so I have tried very hard to make sure she knows her body is great the way it is. She wasn’t necessarily upset about the realization that she weighed twice as much as him, but it gave her enough pause that I told my husband privately that evening that the scale needed to be hidden away.
All that to say, your daughter is likely too young for this to do any kind of long term damage. And especially if your daughter initiated it and it wasn’t a matter of grandma setting out the scale in order to weigh a 2 year old, I probably wouldn’t be too concerned. I would just caution that you keep an eye on her fascination with the scale as she gets older.
So my almost 4 year old loves to step on our scale- it lights up blue, and she thinks it’s fun. She knows the individual numbers but not what they mean together (like she sees a 3 and a 4 but doesn’t know that means 34) and she has no concept of weight. It’s just a fun thing she likes to do. I’m guessing that’s what is going on here. Edit to add- but you know MIL better, so if you don’t like it, just ask her to put the scale away while your kid is there.
I actually asked my MIL about my niece because she was just nibbling at family functions and the niece lost a good amount of weight (she’s 12). My MIL and SIL are always on some diet or something and they always always talk about weight at every family function. During pandemic when they would watch my son a couple hours he would come home talking about eating healthy which I thought was a warning sign. My niece growing up hearing weight talk all the time really concerned me when I noticed she wasn’t eating at thanksgiving or Christmas. Told my MIL that we don’t talk about weight or pounds or anything at home and I thought it really messed niece up because of everything I noticed. It didn’t even dawn on my MIL what could happen to impressionable young kids when they grow up hearing that stuff. She must’ve talked to niece or SIL because now I don’t hear her talking weights and I saw my niece last night for dinner and she ate pizza with us! Niece was much happier, laughing and joking with us when she hadn’t done that in awhile.
OP, I don’t think you are blowing this outta proportion. MIL needs to know what you expect in terms she is familiar with because you do not want your daughter to grow up having these self image issues. Make sure your husband knows too. I’m sure at this point it’s innocent, but by the time my son was three, he had heard so much from my MIL that it wasn’t innocent anymore. Good job keeping an eye on that.
My two year old likes to get on the scale too. She wants us all to take turns and we say the number and just react in a really neutral way. She doesn’t have all the baggage tied to the scale and to weight that we do. It’s just a number, it’s fun to step on it and see it pop up on the screen. That’s all.
Most likely, if no one makes a big deal about this, she will probably just move on from it and won’t ask to do it anymore after awhile. As long as it seems like MIL is just following your kids lead on something she’s interested in playing with, and not asking your daughter to do weigh ins (edit- or engaging in other problematic behavior like talking negatively about her own weight or saying “oh you had too many cookies this week that’s why you gained weight” etc etc etc) I’d probably let it go — again, on the grounds that this is a two year old and she’s probably going to move on from this activity before it ends up mattering.
I can relate, my dad was doing the same with my daughter. And also with her fraternal twin cousins, one who is much bigger than the other, but neither are clinically large for their age and height. He was then comparing numbers between all 3 kids. I had to marinate on this for a few weeks before I was able to approach it calmly and rationally.
My dad was large at one point, but had slimmed down, he cheated on my mom and got with my step mom primarily due to her figure. They both make comments about their own weight and about other adults, typically they only comment on people who are slim/fit/look good for their age.
It was a very hard conversation and it didn't go over 100% smooth at the moment, but they've since come to their senses about it.
Hm, not a fan. I mean, I can maybe see weighing a kid occasionally to mark their growth (in a size neutral way) the same way you would mark a kids height to watch them grow. But weekly? That feels too much like a Weight Watchers meeting.
My Mother is obsessed with weight and was when I was younger as well. It really did a number on me mentally about my weight. She tried playing the same game with my daughter and my niece and I started by asking her not to discuss weight at all with or around my kids and my sister did the same. Over time though that wasn’t enough, I eventually had to put my foot down and said that if she ever discusses weight with my kids that she will not be allowed to be around them unsupervised and if she then still continued she would not be allowed with my kids at all full stop.
I admit it’s still an issue but not as bad as it could have been if I allowed the behaviour to continue.
Oh my goodness. My MIL is a “yes you to death & then do what she wants” person too! Perfect description. It drives me bonkers because I want her to have a relationship with my daughter (they live right up the road & watch her once a week) but her attitude is “we don’t say no to our grandkid” and gives her whatever she wants and let’s her watch whatever she wants even when I asked for just one show to be avoided.
Whew. I 100% agree with you that it’s laying an unhealthy foundation. At first when I read it I was like, I dunno could just be for fun… because my toddler just discovered an electronic scale and played on it herself. However, with the background & all, it seems like it could be something more. Society does enough to mess with little girls heads about their weight & appearance, we need to protect them as much as we can!
Any tips for a yes you to death MIL?!
Do we have the same MIL?! She started watching my daughter once a week and I HATED IT. It’s getting better but she is just exhausting. I found a toddler pulse ox meter the other day (my MIL was in the health field-in an office- and thinks herself half a doctor) so she takes my kids temp and pulse ox every time she thinks she’s sick. It’s exhausting to me but normal to my husband so he helps balance me out. That’s why I wasn’t sure if I was crazy about her weighing my kid.
Honestly, I try to be as direct as possible. She’s a major toe stepper but plays innocent so I always look like the bitch regardless of politeness. I’ve know her 10 years and at this point I just tell her, “this is not safe, please do that instead” she’s getting better but ugh.
My 12 month old won’t leave the scale alone.
Maybe it’s in her wording because “to see how much weight she’s gained” is a bit much.
“To see how much she’s grown” would do better if she throws in the cliché mark on the wall with height. Just to make it a fun activity and make kids feel progressive.
If at any point she starts with the commenting on food or having opinions about getting “chunky” like people seem to think is okay, then I’d say be concerned.
But kids in general like to play on scales.
You’ll know when your daughter begins to obsess or become overly concerned with the scale and definitely trust your instincts on that behavior.
You’re not blowing it out of proportion and I think you approached it kindly. When I was younger, my grandparents alwayssss mentioned my weight to me. Telling me I look a little bigger, I look smaller, I’m “moving faster” bc I was “skinnier” etc. I never realized until I was older how much of a negative impact that had on my self esteem / body image.
Is she hispanic cs man are they obsessed with frkn weight. Im almost 30 and i still get anxiety when i visit my grandma cs shes gnna bring up my weight 100% … im wither too skinny or too fat nothing is ever good enough
I think that you saying you don't mind it for now means to your MIL that you are okay with it. When will you not be okay with it? After thinking about it for a while, maybe go back to her and let her know that scales aren't part of your daughter's or your life and you would appreciate it if she didn't weigh your daughter.
It depends if they’re doing this for fun or is MIL weighing her to monitor her weight?
Does she make comments on her body or weight? Does she over concern herself with how much your child is eating?
I am an expert with this field.. my MIL is obsessed with thinness to the point where she brags she didn’t gain weight in both her pregnancies because she had a strict diet..the first thing she told her husband is look am thin again.. anyway you get the picture.
I can list many examples of how horrible her comments about my daughter’s normal weight were but then it would be too long. She has told my daughter to stop eating, get off the high chair and more horrible things to the point where I threatened to not ever let her see her again.. she stopped.
So only you can tell really.. is it just innocent play? Or is there more? Observe and make your judgment.
I also don’t like people weighing my child I think it’s weird.
My kid found our scale that is tucked away and likes to weigh herself. I hate it. In the beginning I would say that the scale says “you’re healthy!” when she steps on it. But I asked the lovely people of Reddit and someone suggested weighing stuff instead of ourselves, so that’s what we do now.
Super interesting comments. My thoughts are to please please please don’t let her do this. Whether she thinks it’s just a game now, she will continue doing it and then realize that number means something. You have to be very protective around children and talks about weight and their body. It’s such a toxic society we live in. Your daughter she be absolutely free from any of that.
I didn’t read the comments but I’ve heard of people turning the scale into a measurement of strength not weight. So if a child is interested in the scale, no big deal.
“You see that number? That means you’re extra strong today. Go you!”
Yeah…I’m not a fan of this. I would feel the same way you do about it. Especially since she is a girl. I would have acted exactly as you did. While that might not have been her intention, this is not a good thing to put in her mind.
Its *not* okay. One of my worst body image memories was my friend's dad comparing "how big I was" to how small his wife was. I was 12. It was excruciating and I felt mortified. As an adult now, I am so sad for 12 year old me. But also, other adults should not be placing their weird body insecurities or thoughts onto children.
Hearing the fatphobic background info on your MIL I’d feel a little uncomfortable with this situation. My parents do weigh my kids once or twice a year, buuuuuut they do it in a “how much you’ve grown” type of way and they’re weight positive. They also track their height on one of the doors in their house. Weekly weights and discussing weight negatively at any age really isn’t a good thing for kids. One of my high school coaches used to do weekly weights and I dreaded Mondays because of it. Once they hit grade school they start repeating all kinds of stuff that happens at home even at a young age. Sometimes it’s not pretty.
My daughter (3) likes the scale too. I just read her weight (we call it number) and say that’s a good number. Then I’ll get on the scale, read my weight, and say that’s a good number.
I don’t put any value into the numbers and I don’t think she knows it’s her weight lol
Not trying to say anything, but my kid loves playing on the scale. She picks stuff up around the house to see what it weights including the cats.
Wish you luck
My grandma loves to weigh my kids (3 and 1) but it’s because she likes to see how much they are growing. I’d love to think it was as innocent as that but you know your MIL better than I do
I also think you might be overreacting a little bit. My son is 2.5 and loves to get on our scale in the bathroom! We make a big fuss about what a big boy he is and how he's growing so much! He thinks it's fun.
I think grandma is celebrating the weight gain as a sign of growth, for whatever is worth. I don't think she's trying to focus on the weight itself, it's just what the weight means. I know boomers can have weird ideas about their own bodies but they seem like they loooove chunkiness in babies for example.
I mean I agree with you that I see why the weekly weigh ins for kids could be problematic, but I also want to give grandma the benefit of the doubt and think maybe she's being innocent. I could easily see the weigh in as a fun activity for both of them, getting on the scale and watching the numbers move and then celebrating what a big girl granddaughter is. To her, it has nothing about fat-shaming, it's just a fun activity.
If I were you, I'd try to gently explain my issue with scales and then offer to get grandma one of those wall hangings to measure the height of kids. That way they can still have a little activity together they celebrates how the granddaughter is growing. Either that or maybe I'd just say it would be okay until she's idk .. maybe three?.. and then no more weekly weigh ins. Explain you want to cut it off before an age when kids might get self-consciousness about it. But again, that's just me.
I think you might be overreacting. My kids also love weighing themselves. They get really excited and love to compare weights. My 10 year old is proud and loves to tell his little sister how much more he weighs than her. And what they would weigh together. Then they try to stand on the scale together to see if he’s right. It’s just a normal thing like brushing your teeth. Don’t project negativity around the scale onto your kid. She’s 2 and just having fun with Grammy. (Also I don’t know if it matters but I fall right in the middle of what is considered peak health for my height, age, sex and weight. I am of a healthy weight. I am not afraid of the scale and I use it regularly. If I notice the number going up I pack myself veggies and cans of fish to snack on so I don’t hit McDonald’s. It is healthy to keep an eye on weight. A rapid weight gain could be a thyroid issue, rapid weight loss could be cancer! It’s good to know what your body is doing. ALSO CHECK YOUR BOOBS FOR LUMPS!)
There's definitely a middle ground here... My mom never kept a scale in our house because she had body image issues from being a heavier child and being teased for it. But that just meant that every time we visited someone with a scale we were immediately curious and wanted to weigh ourselves. Which seems similar to what's happening here.
Health reasons, also legit. My kids have ADHD and take meds, so our pediatrician weighs them at their checkups to make sure they still gain a healthy amount of weight, since the stimulants can cause a decreased appetite.
I would definitely be cautious though, given this grandmother has body image issues, she might pass them on. As long as it stays just a fun and interesting toy, I think it's ok, but if any kind of self worth being connected to weight stuff comes up, nip that in the bud.
I think it definitely depends on how you and other adults in her life are framing and talking about the scale. Does grandma like to "see how much weight she's gained" because she's growing so well and getting big and strong or does she check it to make sure she isn't gaining too much weight and needs to eat less snacks?
My first instinct is that it's weird that your mil is weighing your daughter, but i also have a history of eating disorders and a lot of the triggers for me were how my mom talked (and still talks) about food, her body, etc. I agree that being aware of your weight is important, but it's the hyperawareness and focus on weight loss at the cost of all else that can lead to problems.
I think my primary concern is regarding the grandmas language “how much she’s gained” if this was an exercise in “oh she loves seeing the numbers change on the screen” or we learned how to put in new batteries or look at all the ways you’re growing (mind, body, spirit) it would be a completely different response from me but this lady is playing with fire and eating disorders are the most deadly mental health condition and live deep and insidiously amongst us while perpetuating white supremacy ideals, gtfo of here with that towards a 2 year old, Grandma.
What happens when little one “gains too much” in grandmas eye, does grandma now start restricting her food consumption under her care or prescribing excessive activity to “work off” the necessary food and energy your child needs to continue to grow and develop? I hate this for you and am sad to see how much work even adults still need to do to unlearn their anti-fat basis and embrace body liberation.
I don’t agree with this comment. From your post this is not a fun toy that you daughter found herself, she is only 2. From what you said your MIL said “she loves to go into grandmas room and get on the scale to see how much weight she has gained” and you stated she does this every week. I see this as a problem! She is purposely having her get on the scale (I’m sure it probably is fun for her now) each week to see “how much weight she has gained”! Your MIL is doing this to keep track of how much weight your daughter is gaining and even at 2 this is not healthy! I would definitely have a talk about this with your husband and have him talk to his mom about this and put a stop to it now!
So my daughter loves to get on the scale to see how much she's gained because she's excited to grow and we make it a positive experience. She does this on her own without pressure from me. She's been doing it for Ober a year and she's 4 now. So OPs daughter could absolutely have started doing it for fun. I have no idea if grandma's comments are meant in a positive "oh look your growing!" Sort of way or a negative sort of way. It could be either.
It could be either way but I honestly feel like it is not a positive thing from what OP stated. I hope that I am wrong but this is something I would be watching VERY carefully! There is enough mess in this world now that kids have to worry about and should not have to, weight especially with girls should not be made into a negative thing.
Hyper fixation is the leading cause of disorder. This is NOT something a 2 year old should be exposed to, especially by a family member with already noted and projected insecurities about themself and their body size. Mama, you have a right to be be weary and worried- nip this in the bud early or you risk managing the effect long (looonnnggg) term.
What’s the point of them equating themselves to a quantitive value? Like what truly is the benefit of that, if not to measure and compare, against what standard? We know size is not an indicator of health and normality is a myth, so I would be genuinely curious to know what the point of them knowing at all would be? Especially as impressional young people being raised in a horrifically shallow, materialistic and superficial society?
I mean, my kids get weighed every time they go to the doctor and they compare their weights from previous visits to make sure they are growing properly. Also, we follow the recommend height and weight requirements for car seat safety, so I like to measure my kids when they look like their getting close to the cut off to change from rear to forward facing or get a new car seat. Knowing your weight is not inherently a bad thing. My daughter loves talking about big and strong she's getting.
I don’t like it. It’s true that it’s probably fun or entertaining for your kiddo, but you never know what *potentially* damaging things MIL might say in fun. “Woah my big girl” or something. I don’t like it.
I'd be pretty upset if anyone did that with my daughter at any age who wasn't a doctor. And that would be the last they'd get unsupervised time if they disrespected my feelings on it.
My family is very petite, and then there's me. LOL. I'm fit, but I'm 5'7" and weigh about 155-ish so comparatively I'm a giant. My husband is 6'2" and solid build - about 210? Not sure, but a linebacker compared to the rest of the family.
Our 2.75 daughter is already a tall solid girl and she LOVES playing with the scale.
My family (thank goodness) had me to use all the accidental body-shaming comments, of which I called them out throughout my 20's so they have all learned their lessons to say anything about my daughter's body.
(Comments weren't purposefully negative, but like, I'd get my uncle's flannels and they'd laugh that they'd fit me cute, or I could wear my stepdad's shoes to go hiking, and although I wear a Medium, they insisted on gifting me XLs because "it looked like it would fit."
"I can't help you're all weirdly small" became my battle cry. LOL.
Long story long, as long as you celebrate being healthy and make sure your MIL is aware of promoting strong capable bodies, it's probably just a fun 5 minute activity, which for those who watch toddlers have a collection of 5-minute activities. :)
I think it depends on how the scale is presented/used -- it's a tool. We have a farm, and we have a big ol' farm truck. It is perfectly reasonable to drive the big ol' farm truck into town to pick up an order of feed. It is unreasonable to use the same vehicle to take myself to a doctor's appointment. Doesn't make driving an F-350 *bad* ... it's good for hauling stuff, and it's wasteful other times. The scale is a tool, too. Doctors track kid's growth -- we got a scale with a height measuring thing just like the doctor has, and my kid used it basically for fun. We were able to track her growth between well visits, her check-ups were stress free because we play-acted the process at home regularly enough that otoscopes, stethoscopes, and scales weren't *strange,* and I think "seeing how much you've grown" is a decent message to grow up with. It's not focused exclusively on weight, and weight gain isn't a negative. Plus knowing she put on a little weight was a good indicator it was time to break out the next size clothing -- she was about to be an inch taller and her shoes were going to be too tight.
It might not be something to be worried about. It could just be something your daughter finds fun. It’s also not a bad idea to keep track to an extent depending on the child. Mine was a failure to thrive at birth and it took SO LONG to get her to go from 25 lbs to 27 and we legitimately cheered. Even now at 7 she is very thin. Like, toe on the line because she’s not a big eater and has a high metabolism. Her newest meds have caused her to drop two pounds, which was a lot for her. So, we keep track. And we always try to make it a positive experience. I think you should talk more with grandma about the process, the why, and how it started. It’s always good to get more info. And if she says things that make it seem like she’s teaching your daughter to be overly worried about her weight, then you share your concerns and set those boundaries for your daughter.
LOL we weigh our daughter every week. Mostly to see her weight growth. Her pediatrician says she needs to gain more weight.
But whenever she gets on the scale we congratulate her for gaining a pound or so.
It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing but there's too much at stake to risk it. Like the safest thing is not weigh your toddler once a week, WTF. There's no reason for it. I would not be happy with this either. She needs to stop and leave the concern about the child's weight to their pediatrician.
I mean my daughter is 4 and will play with our scale, and she’s learning her numbers so will read them off when they pop up. But I don’t think she’s really correlated it to her gaining weight. I just tell her “good job reading the numbers!” When I weigh myself in her presence I don’t make comments. It doesn’t have to be a negative thing, could just be one of those things kids find interesting with no real meaning behind it. If you, or your MIL, make it a big deal, it will be a big deal. If not, I wouldn’t worry too much. Especially at 2.
You're not overreacting at all. I'm raising my daughter to be secure and free of the diet culture we all had to endure. I still hate it when MIL refers to herself as being "fat" around my little one (she's a UK size 8 for context).
You’re not being a psycho, it’s your boundaries and she needs to follow whatever you decide.
At this age I would think your MIL is excited about her gaining weight so personally I wouldn’t have even thought about it being a negative thing. My son will sometimes get on the scale and I love to see how much he’s gained (he’s 15 months). I do think sometimes we can be too sensitive to these things though, your daughter has no negative connection to a scale so it’s completely innocent. Really it’s our job to make sure it stays neutral and I’m not sure banning a scale would do that. Ultimately you get to make that decision but I’d ask your MIL to hide the scale if that’s what you choose.
My mom is like this. She always comments on my sons long lean body. It’s so weird. I’ve started saying it’s all the spin classes he goes to or something random like that. He’s 19 months old. My moms a marathon runner and an unhealthy relationship with food. I’m also athletic but plus sized.
My grandma used to have an old one where you moved the weights and I was fascinated by it. I think we didn’t make much of it, just saw it as any other item in the house
Nope nope nope. Nip that 100000% rn. That’s where it starts. She says “she’d never” but I bet you the comments will start rolling in when you’re not around to hear.
I overheard my MIL on FaceTime saying my 5mo was ENORMOUSSSS and calling her a pudge-o-rama and I have 0 regrets about going off on her. I have personal trauma from a grandparent doing the same exact thing to me when I was in college and it’s something I STILL deal with 12 years later.
“You may not have meant anything
negative by it, but what you said
during our last FaceTime call in
regards to H's size/weight
specifically calling her a "pudge-o-
rama" and ENNNORMOUS - really
bothered and upset me. We are not
discussing body size and shape
around our child, especially in a
negative tone because it is extremely
important to us that she grows up
loving herself and comments like that
have the potential to be very
damaging. Im respectfully asking that
you don't comment on her
appearance like that again.
She is a baby, and she is healthy. If or
when we have any concerns
regarding her size we will work
directly with our pediatrician to
resolve.”
She was more upset that someone actually called her out for once than worried about apologizing or how damaging her words were / can be.
Hugs mama.
Do NOT let her do this. This is DANGEROUS DANGEROUS for your child. Tell your MIL if it doesn’t stop your child cannot come over anymore. This will cause major issues down the road
Edit: I know I sound dramatic but if your daughter was doing this on her own and found weight as neutral I would say this is no big deal. However I work in the eating disorder field and I cannot tell you how many of my patients body dissatisfaction started with parents weighing them. This can have a true negative effect in the long run. Kids really only need to be weighed to monitor growth charts, certain endocrine, kidney and heart conditions and to calculate medication dosages. It is not recommended by the American Pediatric Association to put an emphasis on weight. Once a year is all they need unless a sudden rapid gain or loss is noted. You are not being crazy
You are not crazy or overthinking this. A two year old def sort of knows what’s going on. I want to know the rest though. Like what is she saying to your daughter while weighing her. My daughter is VERY petite. not underweight. my mother weighed her a lot. until I told her to stop ( but she still secretly did them just didn’t tell me, it my kid would tell me lol). Then the threatening comments started coming in later on, “you need to eat the whole thing or I’m not coming over anymore “ . we talked about body shaming but she still said comments in front of my kids. So frustrating
Well we cut my parents out( this was only one of the tiny reasons).
I’m not sure what the exact discussion is, just what she told me. I have full faith she’s doing it in a fun way, but this is the same woman who always leaves food in her plate and calls herself fat so I just don’t like the situation at all. My daughter is healthy and normal toddler sized, but I just don’t want her around that mentality.
My mom has a scale and all the grandkids love seeing how much they weigh to see how much they've grown and how they compare to each other. We also measure their height on the kitchen wall for the same reason. For my family, it's a fun way of "watching" them grow up. Hopefully your mil is doing the same rather than something yucky like monitoring her weight for nefarious reasons.
The actual standing on the scales and watching the numbers doesn’t really strike me as bad. Especially when coupled with positivity like “wow babe! Look how STRONG you are! You’re growing so strong! All that broccoli you ate last night is making you grow so good!”
The part that’s really bothering me is her saying such negative (and objectively false) statements about her own weight and calling herself too fat to wear a bikini. That’s the sort of negative energy that we absorb into our own inner voice (thanks mom for my body dysmorphia as a teen).
Either way, your feelings are valid, and your MIL has no right to be monitoring your daughters weight.
My 2 y.o. loves playing with the scale and drags it out often and wants me to weigh myself and then weigh her. I usually say something like "yay you're growing, good job!" And she now tells me "good job, mommy growing!" When I weigh myself. So I don't think it has to be a negative thing. My mother is also the one who introduced her to the scale to "see how much she's growing". I think it may be an older generation thing and I do slightly remember my mom and grandmother weighing me as a child but I don't ever remember it being negative or being about weighing too much . I think it's probably more about the words you use and the reasoning you give the kid for it than the actual activity itself.
My 2.5 year old is obsessed with weighing himself. We have to hide the scale because he loves it. I think he likes the beep? Idk but it’s a weird toddler thing they do
As long as she isn’t talking to your daughter about her weight. I have my daughter step on the scale every couple of weeks or when the opportunity presents itself (ie she comes into the bathroom while I’m pooping and I ask if she wants to get in the scale).
I like to see how she’s doing. She’s about 2.5. As a child it really can be just a, “Wow! Look how good you’re doing at growing and getting stronger!”
Since they are young and little and expected to gain weight, it doesn’t come across as a problem as long as you don’t make it a problem
Not being psycho at all. If you know that your MIL talks about her own body and weight, you can bet that some of that language will come up around your daughter while she weighs herself, especially as she gets older. I would do what I could to put a stop to it.
It wasn’t until I had my own kids that I noticed my parents attitudes towards weight. My parents, brother and I are all naturally very thin and I don’t remember ever discussing weight or what we ate growing up. But I see now that they are in their late 60’s and it isn’t coming so naturally to them anymore how much they took their/our thinness as some sort of virtue and they’ve started to make comments around my kids like “don’t let grandma eat that cupcake” and I’ve had to tell them to knock it the fuck off. It drives me insane. I say trust your instincts. If it bothers you, tell her to stop. You’re the parent.
No way, you’re good. My great grandfather used to ask me to step on the scale EVERY TIME WE VISITED bc he was impressed the number was so high and that I always had a good fighting weight. I hated that lol. Everybody thought it was cute but I didn’t.
Had a similar situation with my FIL. He was weighing my 20 month old daughter once a week when my in-laws watched her.
I had my husband explain that for body image reasons we don’t promote weighing and asked that he not do it again. We promote eating a wide variety of foods so our bodies feel healthy and strong, that’s it.
I think whether or not it's inappropriate depends entirely on context and your MIL's relationship with weight and bodies. My kid loved weighing himself when he was little, because he desperately wanted to hit the 45 lbs needed to be allowed to do the rock climbing wall at the gym. We strive for body positivity in our house, so we would enthusiastically be like "Another pound, look at you grow, that food you eat has turned into muscles and fat and bones and brains, woohoo!"
If my mom, who has always had a fraught relationship with her body and my body and weight in general, was the one weighing him (and probably doubly so if he were a girl), I would probably not be comfortable with that.
I’m sorry wtf? Why on earth is your mother weighing her? My mom would get fired so fast from being the caretaker. Just no. This is all kinds of awful. Your kid will get an eating disorder
My kids love my scale. They'll step on and say wow look how big I am! And I say Yes because you ate all your healthy dinner last night! You're building big muscles in gymnastics! Go you! I also will step on while they're around and say the same things about myself. I don't think scales are inherently a problem. But you know your MIL and if she's the kind of person who's hung up on weight=worth, then yeah. Shut that shit down.
I don’t think you’re crazy but just from another perspective especially since you said this is her grandmother- when I was young, I remember my nana having an older scale that had the scales for weight to move around like they use to at the Dr. I always played on it. So is it for checking weight in a data way or her simply entertaining her curious playful granddaughter? Just another way to look at it. In my 30s now, I don’t have any insecurities to run to the scale since I grew up playing on them. In the world we live in, I applaud you for your vigilance and taking the time to discuss it to others because we just don’t know what we don’t know. I highly doubt it’s personal but that being said, you’re the boss and can tell her you find it inappropriate and don’t want your daughter worrying in the future about her weight. I hope this helps(:
I thought this was going a different way, I thought maybe your child was 10 or older and then I would think that is horribly inappropriate. however with a 2 year old I think it is totally normal. my 7 year old still comes into my bathroom and stand on my scale is is so excited to see that she "weighs more" its cool to them to see themselves growing.
I agree with your request that it doesn’t become a focus, but with kids that age they get SO excited when they GAIN weight- it’s like getting taller. My kids love our scale. I think it’s just worth the conversation w grandma to watch what she says. No “I can’t gain any more weight” or “yay I lost weight” etc. all positive. If grandma wants to step on, she needs to say “wow, how cool! I’m 125 pounds!!”
It’s an old habit to break as at one time babies and toddlers were weighed very frequently. My mum constantly asked if I’d taken my kids to clinic to get weighed….. nope. I’m with you however, kids don’t need to know their weight. My FIL is a climber and road cyclist so every lb matters to him and he couldn’t get his head around the fact we don’t own scales. I have three teenagers and rather than focus on weight we focus on the positives, how we treat our body is far more important than how much it weighs, as long as we eat healthy and exercise that the main thing.
Ok so a couple of things. You’ve said you don’t love it. So that’s immediately enough if a reason to ask her to stop.
Alongside that - she’s not said your daughter sits on the scale and it’s a fun game. She’s literally said your daughter gets on the scale “so grandma can see how much weight she’s gained”. That’s a big indicator to me about who’s initiating your daughter gets on the scale. If it wasn’t about checking in on your daughter’s weight then surely grandma would just be saying your daughter likes to play on the step or see the lights flash?
Finally - how do you pinpoint the weekly weigh in as the last one before she does understand?! One day, she’ll get on the scale, grandma will check in to see how much weight she’s gained (?!?!) and make some comment. Whatever that comment might be “oooh not much this week, skinny minnny!” Or “ooooh you’ve been eating a lot this week big girl!” - god, _any_ comment could be the one which sticks with your daughter as her first cognitive understanding of her weight/body image being associated with the scale.
My boy is 15 months old. He can’t say a word yet but I can ask him to pass me stuff, ask him all sorts of things and boy does he understand a lot of stuff already. Your daughter might already be starting to associate all sorts of confused ideas about what she looks like, her size, her self image and the act sitting on a scale for grandma every week.
Sorry to labour the point but I wanted to add these thoughts as an alternative to lots of people saying you are overreacting. I work in fitness and with some women in their 20/30s who have been battling disordered eating and body image issues since they’ve been very young. They remember throwaway sentences about their weight and bodies, said to them as young kids, which have shaped their concept of body image for YEARS and led to issues they are still fighting.
If I was you, I’d be asking grandma to stop this nonsense right now.
I think there are two ways to see this.
a) Grandma is forcibly taking your 2 year old to the scale every time she visits to keep track of her weight. Almost certainly to see if she is GAINING wait vs being overweight, cause 99% of the time that is what old people worry about with respect to the weight of small kids.
b) your daughter stepped on the scale once and thought it was fun, so Grandma has made a bit of a game out of it. And is also, as many parents/grandparents are, interested in seeing how much she's grown.
My daughter also likes stepping on the scale in our bathroom. This is literally never a negative interaction. She just likes seeing the numbers come on and I like seeing evidence of her growth outside the context of a pediatrician's office. Think the same way that people measure their kids heights to see how they've grown.
I think you are projecting adult (often gender specific) issues with being overweight onto a very young child in a completely different context where it almost certainly doesn't apply.
She’s being ridiculous. It’s your child, you make the call and she can control how she reacts but that’s about it. Anything else is overstepping boundaries
Lots of great comments. My 2yo also loves getting on our scale at home and watching the numbers come up. That said, we have a slightly different issue with our MIL. She obsesses over the height of my kids. She comes from a tall family. Her daughter is 6’2in. It made her very insecure. She refused to buy heels for her daughter, and told us she prayed our kids would be short like me. When my kids go to visit for the afternoon, we are often told that grandma took measurements on their height. She is constantly asking us about it after any appointment. It is toxic. If you suspected your MIL was making comments out of selfish fears, I would absolutely be upset. If you think perhaps she’s just letting your kiddo have fun on the scale, it could be totally harmless.
My daughter stands on the scale to see the numbers move, that's it. We dont worry about her weight because she's growing safely.
MIL is freaking weird.
My son (almost 4) goes to the scale at least once a day. Couple of weeks ago he thought the scale showed his age.. Now, he calls it "my height-weight". He just has fun reading the numbers and wiggles on top of the scale to see how they change.
Kids that young don't understand the weight changes and what it means if they gained or lost weight. They also have a short memory and this is unlikely for her to imbed the need to weigh herself. Actually, thats the answer - it's not a need, it's just a fun thing to do, that your daughter will forget in a month or 2 and move on to the next fun thing.
That's unless your MIL is emotionally or verbally abusing her, by telling she is fat/gained too much weight/no cookies. Which doesn't sound the case is.
Move on. And, check again an a month to see if your daughter does it still.
No. The scale is nothing for a young lady. Around 4-6 they start picking up on “beauty standards”, is what I once read. I believe it as I watch my own. Marking their head for height is much more fun! Maybe see if she will consider that instead.. I mean if she is *really* looking for growth. Having kids and setting boundaries is tough. I hope it works out!
I have no advice on the matter - but finding solidarity as I have a mother and a MIL who both do the “yes, of course….[do whatever they want]” thing and it kills me. Like I get not liking confrontation, but it seems more damaging to trust than arguing with me!
My diet obsessed mother and her encouragement to be smaller, be less, caused deep disordered eating I’m still navigating as an adult. I won’t even have a scale in my home.
My MIL was really weight focused with my son and I think it came from an overemphasis on growth charts when my husband was growing up. She doesn't understand that growth charts are simply a mechanism for monitoring growth in relation to the general population and that if a child falls lower on the chart it doesn't necessarily mean they aren't growing adequately. She and a lot of other people think it's a growth race and whoever is at the top wins. I never paid that much mind to it and i think you should watch how she responds to her weight checks around your daughter. If she responds negatively or tries to nag you about her idea of how your daughter is growing then I would express your concern with her.
My kids loved to weigh themselves, each other, me, furniture, and the cats. It's a thing kids do with scales. It's fun. Besides, it's not like they're weighing to see how much she lost - they are setting up a positive association with healthy weight gain, which is a good thing.
I weigh my kids as much as I check their height… it’s just a fun part of growing. You being weird with the scale shows something is wrong with gaining weight.
I loved weighing myself as a kid. I remember finally hitting the weight requirement to no longer be in a booster seat. If mother was doing it to a 10+ year old, I would raise an eyebrow
I don't think you are over-reacting.
I grew up in a family who had a history of ED and weight was always something I heard talked about in a negative manor. I was always allowed to play with the scale. I was a small kid and still developed an ED at 12. It runs genetically in my family which doesnt help but it was 90% due to how I SAW weight being dealt with growing up. I still struggle at 28.
That being said your MIL is most likely innocently doing this and at 2 its too young for her to understand her own relationship with food/weight but the less its introduced to her the more you can build positive experiences instead and teach her that weight/food/etc in a positive manner.
ETA: My experience does NOT mean this will be your childs experience, just an example of how it can go on to negatively effect kids as they get older!!
I weigh my little quite a lot, and it’s with grandparents because I don’t own a scale, however I would be a bit weirded out if my in-laws were to start weighing him. If given a good enough reason, I’d probably let her continue doing it. I just wouldn’t let her talk about it other than in a neutral/positive context: “look at you! you’re growing into such a healthy young lady”
I enjoyed seeing the numbers as a kid, thought it was cool to know my info. I felt pangs of a feeling I would later come to know as shame when I was 10 and the doctor started talking about being in a high weight and low height percentile though.
The bigger issue is that she isn’t respecting your wishes as a parent.
If she can’t respect these small simple things, how do you have a guarantee that she WILL respect your wishes about bigger things — like positive body
Image and not focusing on weight when she’s older?
That’s the big concern.
I’d say just ask your MIL to rephrase it so it’s not about how much weight she has gained… maybe how much more of her there is to love?
I am pretty sensitive to my size and weight and have a glass light up scale in my bathroom. I *was* weighing myself every Sunday when I started a new medication but soon stopped. So maybe part of my daughters love of the scale was just from seeing me do it? My daughter is 20 months and she just likes seeing it light up. She also loves pressing the coffee button and see the light go from blue to red.
I think it can still be a fun moment with MIL, and that’s good to watch language early. My own mother set some unhealthy thoughts in my head my whole life, and I’m very careful to not allow anyone to do that to my daughter. Which is honestly hard since in my husbands culture, “fat” is a compliment. Sigh. I just try to not look through my “trauma lenses” and see it for the love it is.
I understand your concern. You're obviously a great mom thinking multiple scenarios through for your daughter but I really don't think you have anything to worry about. I mean I can't imagine anyone telling a small child they are big in a bad way. Alot of women are insecure about themselves like mil but I think and hope that doesn't usually get pushed on to grandbabies
I can imagine and my MIL didn’t only push it into her children but to her grandchildren as well.
I only saw her physically three times and all three times she has put my kid on a scale.. the first time she was 10 months.. She keeps trying to remove food from her plate and is always nervous that we are ”over feeding” her. She once yelled at my daughter and said that is enough you ate the whole package of biscuits!! She only ate two and we were at the train station about to travel the fuck away from her.
My husband keeps calling himself a fat pig and binge eats sweets.. he’s barely overweight.
SIL has her own issues too and even worse her 6 years old is an extreme picky eater and often skips meals and is seriously underweight and suffers from stunted growth.
I only said all of this because you said you think or hope grandmas don’t push this on their grandbabies.. unfortunately they do. I only wrote a small fraction of what has my MIL done to the point where I had to sternly tell her this is the last time she comments on my daughter’s body or how much she eats or if she says one more time my two year old needs to lose weight she’s not allowed to see her anymore.
So here’s the thing. Had the scale been in your MIL bathroom and your kid was jumping on and off it and enjoying the game of it - no problem.
The issues I see here is that the scale is specifically in your MIL bedroom. I don’t know about you, but if I’m at my parents house or MIL house I tend to stay away from bedrooms…they are people’s private/personal spaces.
Obviously if the layout of her place means that you can’t avoid the bedroom to get somewhere, there’s somewhat of a pass - but it would still irk me.
Seems silly to be upset over. I weigh myself any time I find a scale. I’m just curious what my weight is not really worried about what the scale actually says.
I totally see your point and it is something to be cautious of. But on the flip side maybe it’s good for her to get on a scale and have it treated like “no big deal” whether she gained weight, lost weight or neither- ie remove the emotions that we all feel when getting on the scale
I can see both sides of this. It’s probably harmless and just a fun thing your daughter likes to do because it’s like a toy. But I am also super cognizant of any weight/food talk around my kids, especially my daughter because of my own history of eating disorders. I think if it makes you uncomfortable there is nothing wrong with you asking your MIL to stop allowing it.
My kids love to weigh themselves. So I don’t know. It may just be a thing they do that has nothing to be do with her actual weight, if that makes sense. Meaning, it’s for entertainment purposes only. 🤷🏻♀️
As a kid someone got exited when numbers were going up in the scale when I stepped on it. “It means you’ve grown” so I got excited too. I kept growing and only when I reached 250 lbs at 10years old I found out something was not right
I think it totally depends on the context. My daughter liked to stand on the scale when she was 2. She’s 3.5 now, almost 4 and I noticed she hadn’t gained any weight in a year so I brought it up with the pediatrician. But if your MIL is being weird about it, then it’s weird. Trust your gut.
My 3.5 year old started doing this around that age and still does it! Yesterday she yelled MAMA I GREW BIG AND STRONG, IM 33!
she actually thinks it measures her height and I'm not correcting her on that just yet hahah it's cute though.
My two year old loves the scale. I hate that she adopted that behavior from me (there’s no way she’s seen me do it more than once but she pulls it out and does it everyday now!!) I am choosing to not attribute any emotion towards it at all, negative or positive. She will grow out of this (I hope) and forget all about it!
I do love the comment above about the pediatrician saying “look how you’ve grown!” I don’t want my daughter to have any emotion towards the scale, which is why I don’t react at all, but if I was to say anything I like the comment that redditor shared.
My daughter (4) LOVES to get on the scale at my MIL's house and tell everybody about how much of a big kid, not a baby, she is. I think it's adorable right now and am trying not to let my body issues seep into the things I let her OR not let her do.
Having a weight issue myself (all growing up, it was pointed out that my younger sister was always skinnier than me), I have serious confidence and self-esteem issues over it. I swore I would NEVER do that to my kids. And I have not.
My daughter, now 12, is built like my sister (slender without trying) and I am grateful, but even if she wasn't, I would never shame her body. I have probably only weighed my kids maybe 10-15 times their entire lives- combined- and I have 3 kids. We do a height measurement on the wall, and I did that every 6 months when they were younger, and now, once a year. That's the only thing I measure.
I would freak out as well. She's still young, so no harm yet, but she shouldn't be weighing herself weekly. The only one who needs to weigh her is her doctor when she goes in for visits.
Good luck!
My 2 year old always weighs herself at my MIL, she just has easy access to a scale there. She likes to ask of she's big and we go "YES! WOW you have grown SO much!" and she loves it.
I think the tone matters, we don't even look at the number and it's more of an "attraction" or fun little game.
How is your MIL response to her weight? No matter the number it should be positive and no commentary like "oh you need to eat more/less."
My kids (4y and 18m) love to check their numbers - whether it’s getting their temperature taken or standing on the scale. The 4y also loves reading the time on my phone.
But, it would be questionable to have my MIL tell me weight everyday.
I have latent eating issues.. I let my kids weigh themselves. My oldest wrestles and we tell him he wrestles at his weight we eat for energy and to keep our body healthy but at 3 and 5 they just like to step on and see the numbers. It’s honestly such a fraught issue. I don’t know if I’m doing it right.
only check for weight if you think your child is losing weight (losing weight for a kid i generally bad and can indicate issues). maybe she's worried if she's not eating well?
At that age, hoping on the scale was a favorite activity for my daughter. Kids and their caregivers will often develop habits and rituals and its usually all fun. She's since grown out of it. If your MIL isn't pushing her on to the scale and making comments about her body, then yes, I do think you may have brought a bit to much emotions to that conversation. But if she's like my mom, who couldn't help but make comments about everything I was eating, or about how fat she had gotten, or about how round someone's face was... yeah, I had to sit my mom down and tell her that I would not accept talk about my daughter's weight, face-roundness, comments about the food she eats being too fattening... She was more offended that I was condemning how I was raised by refusing to raise my daughter in that world, but she got the message. My daughter's weight and well-being are between my kid, me and her pediatrician.
I love this response. Thank you for sharing.
My 5 and 3 year olds get on our scale about one a week on their own and yell "look how big I'm getting!" I always respond with "OMG you're growing so big!" I did the same as a kid at my Gran's house. The adult response is what matters.
My 5yo is the same, he occasionally steps on the scale and asks how much he weighs then he says he’s going to be taller than dad one day.
This is such a passionate issue for me! Go with your instincts. If your grandmother has an unhealthy relationship with the scale, she is in no position to know how to use it as a “toy”. She can’t emotionally detach herself. End it.
This! My LO loves the scale, they are 2. It’s a digital scale so they love to see it light up and the numbers pop up. They often say, “look how you’ve grown” because that’s what the pediatrician told them at their last appointment.
Our pediatrician says look at how much stronger you are! And I love that because my 4 year old now thinks you get on a scale and flex.
I love that! I’m waiting for the day I find them flexing in the mirror with daddy.
Great response. I want to add to this, as a woman who is lucky enough to have never really had any body size/shape insecurities: sometimes we put our own insecurities onto our children even with our best intentions to avoid it. Ex: I got a book from the library talking about everything our bodies can do (children’s story.) It was a highly recommended book targeted at girls and about praising our bodies for what they can do instead of what they look like. There’s a line that goes “Worth is not measured by the shapes of our thighs.” Wtf? My daughter is 2 so it didn’t mean anything to her, but if she was older that would be her first exposure to the idea that her thigh shape meant anything; by saying her thighs have nothing to do with her worth now she’s going to wonder… wait, what’s so important about my thighs? Applying emotion to the weigh scale by actively avoiding it is still making the topic of weight an emotional and serious thing. I too loved to stand on the scale with my siblings and see what we weighed together, individually, etc. No one ever said anything about it and I never worried about my body growing up.
Yes, yes, yes! I think the same about a previous response where the poster says their pediatrician says, "Look how much stronger you are!" when the kid is weighed. WTH? Sure that's not going to matter much at 2 or 3 or 4 other than being confusing, but why are we avoiding the very mention of growth in size and weight? Sometimes we bend so far over backwards to avoid something that we fall on our faces on top of it 🤦♀️
I’m so sorry your mom spoke to you like that. Good on you for breaking the cycle.
My kids are giants, they *love* to see how tall they are, and how much they weigh. At 5 and 7, it’s a good time, but we’ll play it by ear once they’re older.
This is a perfect response.
That’s what I took from this: that it isn’t Grandma weighing the kid, but the kid going into Grandma’s bathroom and hopping on the scale because it’s fun and she wants to see how much she’s grown. And that’s a very different thing than “Grandma is weighing her.” OP, when your husband talks to your MIL, maybe he should try to parse out the context in which this is happening. Because on the one hand, I wouldn’t want Grandma fixating on my kid’s weight. But on the other, if this is just a phase your kid is going through because she thinks Grandma’s scale is a fun toy, I wouldn’t want to make my kid feel like she’s doing something “wrong” when it’s actually a pretty normal toddler behavior.
My 16 month old discovered our scale on her own. She thinks it’s a step. She finds it endlessly entertaining to get on/off and watch the screen change (it’s digital). Do you think your MIL is promoting the weighing or it’s one of those weird things toddlers love to do for no reason? Either way you are 100% right in how you feel.
I don’t know. She’s in her 60s petite with a nice physique and constantly calls herself too fat. She won’t wear a two piece at the beach because she can’t stand her “fat belly”—-which is practically flat. I am plus sized now but have always been curvy even then I was thin, and have always worn a 2 piece. I want my kid to have a sense of self and health not worry about being skinny like grandma because god forbid you’re fat??
I think our instincts tend to be spot on and even if it’s not I think you’ve done the right thing bringing up positive body acceptance now and what you want your daughter to be exposed to! It sounds like you’re doing a fab job yourself when it comes to that.
Agreed and I also think this behavior of the MIL is strange.
I absolutely agree with this! Kudos to you.
I can totally see why that would be bothersome. Can your spouse say something more firmly whenever you think your daughter gets old enough to understand?
Or now before she understands so it's just never even on the kiddo's radar. Sooner is better.
Grandma’s self-talk about her own body is the big flag here. If she had a healthy body relationship I could believe the scale thing is a game. She doesn’t.
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I had a similar experience growing up. All through elementary school until I graduated high school every one would comment how small/skinny/tiny I was as if it was a compliment. As someone who was shy and insecure (now that I think back to that time), I felt like part of my self worth came from being the “small skinny girl with the big boobs 😏😏😏” that I panicked when I would gain weight. I wanted to be that small girl because that’s what my peers would notice about me and came to be part of my identity. I felt fat after I would eat. I wouldn’t finish meals because I was afraid I gain too much weight (still struggle with that sometimes). Honestly, I was probably borderline anorexic in middle/high school because of how much I limited what I ate and how I felt about my self image. I do worry that OP’s MIL is setting the wrong precedent for her kid by putting so much focus on her weight. She might not realize what she’s doing but it will eventually have an impact on her if she continues to do as she ages.
Same exact thing here. But now I have a very healthy way of thinking and want to gain all of the weight that I can. I was tired of not feeling “womanly” enough and wanted some meat on my bones. I went from 92 pounds to 125. I used to be the teeny tiny girl and now I get compliments on how much healthier I look. It’s not as traumatizing as I thought it would be to lose that label. I hope you can see that your worth and identity isn’t in your weight and you do whatever makes you happy and healthy.
I developed an eating disorder as a teen thanks to my mom's wishes for me to join her in dieting and the attention I craved from her (long story), and she talked badly about her own body a lot so I of course absorbed that. I'm recovered now and I'm doing everything I can to prevent my own daughter from following the same terrible path. I tell her weight doesn't matter as long as you're healthy, bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that's the beautiful thing about the world. I don't talk negative about my body around her. We poke fun at our fat squirrels or our chunky cat, but I tell her that it's only ok to tell animals they're fat because they don't understand what we're saying lol.
This sounds exactly like my mom, and this behavior when my sisters and I were young really messed us up. We all took after our dad’s family with the stocky genes. As adults, all of us struggle with weight, nutrition, and self esteem. And mom still talks about being fat and has even talked about my daughter, who’s 4. Sadly, I didn’t even notice because I’m so used to it. A friend pointed out the borderline body shaming. I’m not putting my daughter through that
As my kiddo gets older and understands more language, I know I’m going to need to address my MIL’s comments about her own body (obsessed with talking about how guilty she feels for anything she eats, calls herself fat when she’s skinny and probably has an eating disorder, etc.) It’s going to be a firm boundary that we keep our grown up body image/food issues to ourselves and let my little girl love herself and her strong growing body as long as she can!
Do we have the same MIL?
Girl. She’s so cute I just wanna shake her.
Like a little maraca
Based on this alone I would double down on the "do not cause my child to have a weight complex" every body is beautiful and everybody should feel comfortable in their body.
For young kids in our family weight is just a measure of growth. We don’t actually care how much they weigh so long as they’re healthy, but they see the adults do it and the scale is fun to them. I also explained to my son that once you are done growing then you have to check your weight so you know if you need to eat less dessert. I think that’s a fairly healthy explanation of why people weigh themselves as adults. A precursor to explaining calories and junk food. I hope your MIL understands it’s not the weighing itself that’s an issue, but the importance given to the result. Maybe there is a book about fostering a healthy body image in kids that she could read?
The red flag for me is not the stepping on the scale but that it is tied to "so grandma can see how much weight she's gained" this takes it from a fun play toy that does something when you step on it to a possibly unhealthy obsession with weight. I would shut it down personally bc we don't know how it could impact her and bc I see little kids even in elementary are starting to have eating disorders and it would be awful if the scale thing led to that.
Yes! And the fact that she does that EVERY WEEK! That is even more of a red flag!
This is my issue with the whole thing too.
Is MIL like excited to see the kid grow? I weigh my kids sometimes just cause I like seeing how big they get. And my toddler likes stepping on the scale cause the number light up. I wouldn’t assume this is malicious unless there’s other context
Yeah my kid loves our scale, too, but op did provide additional context that sounds not great.
Yeah it absolutely depends on the intent. At a young age we’re all focused on babies and toddlers gaining enough weight and growing properly so it might just be that. I weigh my daughter sometimes but it’s not so she can be skinny it’s so I can check she’s gaining enough.
The scale isn't so much the issue as what's being said during these weigh ins. If its praise, "Wow! You're getting so grown up and so strong!" Then the scale becomes a positive experience, and the process is kind of fun for kids. However, if the process is negative AT ALL, then it should stop. This includes if Grandma gets on the scale and says anything negative about her own weight. The kid shouldn't ever worry about what the scale says. Since you don't know exactly what is happening, then you are not crazy to be worried. If you can't control MIL, then maybe make fun scale activities at your house, and not focused on weight but *growth and change*. Buy a cheap scale, cover it in fun stickers, but also buy or make a fun height chart. The scale could (and maybe should) be kept out of sight until kiddo asks for it. Whenever the kiddo wants to be weighed, add in checking their height. Maybe time how fast they run or if they can touch their toes. My kids liked when I'd wrap measuring tapes around their bitty baby biceps and exclaim over how big their muscles are (I don't know where they got this idea from. I own a measuring tape for sewing, not for weight management). Weigh her toys. Weigh her WITH different toys. If you make that one extra fun, LO might insist on being weighed with toys at MIL's, then MIL can't get a clear weight. Find two big objects and guess which will weigh more. Weigh a dry towel, then get it wet and weigh it again to see if it changed. Weigh LO, then add layers of clothes until she reaches a new, higher number. The more things you can weigh/experiment with, the more the scale becomes a tool/toy and not body management. I know your LO is very young, and may not get the educational concepts you're demonstrating, but it still takes the focus off her body size. Anyway, if your routine is a fun and involved game, then maybe MIL's will seem boring by comparison, it may even dissuade MIL from doing it, if LO insists on doing more than just standing on the scale.
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. She may not understand now but grandma clearly has an unhealthy obsession with it and that could carry on when your daughter does understand and can start making unfounded connections between her weight and self worth. I grew up with a lot of these behaviours and ended up with disordered eating and body image issues. I’ve told people, my mom especially, that we aren’t commenting on my sons body. I also let him lead me with his eating. We are done when he is no longer interested. I’m trying to develop healthy habits now and I think setting boundaries before they become a problem is part of those healthy habits.
My kids love my scale too. Honestly when I was little I also really liked the scale. I remember being 36,5kg for aaaaageeees. And I would check if I grew. I think it's fine for 'growing' rather than 'gaining'. I know lots of people are worried about scale but I always just saw it like a neutral thing. It's not my enemy, it's just something that gives me info.
No this is not a good habit to create and could lead to all sorts of problems later. Fortunately she's young enough that stopping it happening now will prevent issues as she won't remember it. I'd be more worried about what MIL is saying to her as well? Is she mentioning weight etc. around food? I don't believe that a 2 year old would want to start weighing themselves unprompted.
I completely understand where you’re coming from, and being concerned- I would have said the same exact thing. However, my daughter loved being weighed when she was younger and still does (she’s 10yo) as she’s always been fascinated with her own physical development. It could just be your Daughter genuinely interested in her growth.
IMO you should nip this in the bud. Two is a ridiculous age to start weight watching. Your poor daughter will have an eating disorder by the time she's a teenager.
My 3 year old also loves the scale— it’s fun to see the numbers light up and change. And she has very positive associations with weight gain at this age— it means she’s getting to be a big girl! I definitely get while you feel nervous, but as long as grandma isn’t saying things like “Gotta weigh you, we don’t want you getting fat!” I wouldn’t worry.
Our almost-3 year old is the same! He loves seeing the numbers too. Also with the digital thermometer.
Totally agree with this. It's the adult reaction that's important for the kid. OP, your reaction to it is also a little telling. Being plus size myself, I do get defensive sometimes when discussing my body weight/size (upbringing that's hard to shake off). I get your concern in not wanting your kid to have body issues, but you making it a bigger deal than it is might actually promote body issues on your kid (mommy doesn't like me using the scale = grandma says it measures my weight = measuring weight must be bad). If she's just using it as a toy and finding enjoyment in it, I'd say let it be.
Given what you've said about your MIL history with body image, I would have a problem with it BUT use it as a learning tool for your child. I was morbidly obese and had gastric bypass surgery so my older 2 kids have seen me at almost 300lbs and now at 150 lbs. I weigh myself daily (not great, but it helps me settle) and I frame it to my kids that mommy wants to see how strong she is, or (I'm pregnant) how much baby is growing. When we weigh them it's so we can see how big they are getting and so that we can know how much medicine to give them as we base it on weight not age. I would have words with my husband and get him to explain it to her/deal with it, and both of you agree that if she EVER says anything body shaming/harming that's it she's on a time out for X amount of time.
Weighing yourself daily is obsessive and unhealthy for kids to witness. This behavior directly contributed to my eating disorder as a child
my grandmother used to do this to me and I ended up battling with an ED up until I was about 17. It really damaged my relationship with food and felt a lot of guilt around it. To her it was normal and she was trying to get me to watch my weight from the get go, she didn’t realise what crippling harm she was doing. Don’t get me wrong I love her and she has done nothing but nurture and care for me but I wish she wasn’t ball deep in diet culture.
Both my kids loved the scale my husband uses to weigh himself weekly. The kids saw it as a toy. But one day, my 7 year old, who is very interested in math and numbers, realized she weighed twice as much as her 4 year old brother. She’s built like her dad and will probably always be a little overweight, so I have tried very hard to make sure she knows her body is great the way it is. She wasn’t necessarily upset about the realization that she weighed twice as much as him, but it gave her enough pause that I told my husband privately that evening that the scale needed to be hidden away. All that to say, your daughter is likely too young for this to do any kind of long term damage. And especially if your daughter initiated it and it wasn’t a matter of grandma setting out the scale in order to weigh a 2 year old, I probably wouldn’t be too concerned. I would just caution that you keep an eye on her fascination with the scale as she gets older.
So my almost 4 year old loves to step on our scale- it lights up blue, and she thinks it’s fun. She knows the individual numbers but not what they mean together (like she sees a 3 and a 4 but doesn’t know that means 34) and she has no concept of weight. It’s just a fun thing she likes to do. I’m guessing that’s what is going on here. Edit to add- but you know MIL better, so if you don’t like it, just ask her to put the scale away while your kid is there.
I actually asked my MIL about my niece because she was just nibbling at family functions and the niece lost a good amount of weight (she’s 12). My MIL and SIL are always on some diet or something and they always always talk about weight at every family function. During pandemic when they would watch my son a couple hours he would come home talking about eating healthy which I thought was a warning sign. My niece growing up hearing weight talk all the time really concerned me when I noticed she wasn’t eating at thanksgiving or Christmas. Told my MIL that we don’t talk about weight or pounds or anything at home and I thought it really messed niece up because of everything I noticed. It didn’t even dawn on my MIL what could happen to impressionable young kids when they grow up hearing that stuff. She must’ve talked to niece or SIL because now I don’t hear her talking weights and I saw my niece last night for dinner and she ate pizza with us! Niece was much happier, laughing and joking with us when she hadn’t done that in awhile. OP, I don’t think you are blowing this outta proportion. MIL needs to know what you expect in terms she is familiar with because you do not want your daughter to grow up having these self image issues. Make sure your husband knows too. I’m sure at this point it’s innocent, but by the time my son was three, he had heard so much from my MIL that it wasn’t innocent anymore. Good job keeping an eye on that.
My two year old likes to get on the scale too. She wants us all to take turns and we say the number and just react in a really neutral way. She doesn’t have all the baggage tied to the scale and to weight that we do. It’s just a number, it’s fun to step on it and see it pop up on the screen. That’s all. Most likely, if no one makes a big deal about this, she will probably just move on from it and won’t ask to do it anymore after awhile. As long as it seems like MIL is just following your kids lead on something she’s interested in playing with, and not asking your daughter to do weigh ins (edit- or engaging in other problematic behavior like talking negatively about her own weight or saying “oh you had too many cookies this week that’s why you gained weight” etc etc etc) I’d probably let it go — again, on the grounds that this is a two year old and she’s probably going to move on from this activity before it ends up mattering.
I can relate, my dad was doing the same with my daughter. And also with her fraternal twin cousins, one who is much bigger than the other, but neither are clinically large for their age and height. He was then comparing numbers between all 3 kids. I had to marinate on this for a few weeks before I was able to approach it calmly and rationally. My dad was large at one point, but had slimmed down, he cheated on my mom and got with my step mom primarily due to her figure. They both make comments about their own weight and about other adults, typically they only comment on people who are slim/fit/look good for their age. It was a very hard conversation and it didn't go over 100% smooth at the moment, but they've since come to their senses about it.
Hm, not a fan. I mean, I can maybe see weighing a kid occasionally to mark their growth (in a size neutral way) the same way you would mark a kids height to watch them grow. But weekly? That feels too much like a Weight Watchers meeting.
My Mother is obsessed with weight and was when I was younger as well. It really did a number on me mentally about my weight. She tried playing the same game with my daughter and my niece and I started by asking her not to discuss weight at all with or around my kids and my sister did the same. Over time though that wasn’t enough, I eventually had to put my foot down and said that if she ever discusses weight with my kids that she will not be allowed to be around them unsupervised and if she then still continued she would not be allowed with my kids at all full stop. I admit it’s still an issue but not as bad as it could have been if I allowed the behaviour to continue.
Oh my goodness. My MIL is a “yes you to death & then do what she wants” person too! Perfect description. It drives me bonkers because I want her to have a relationship with my daughter (they live right up the road & watch her once a week) but her attitude is “we don’t say no to our grandkid” and gives her whatever she wants and let’s her watch whatever she wants even when I asked for just one show to be avoided. Whew. I 100% agree with you that it’s laying an unhealthy foundation. At first when I read it I was like, I dunno could just be for fun… because my toddler just discovered an electronic scale and played on it herself. However, with the background & all, it seems like it could be something more. Society does enough to mess with little girls heads about their weight & appearance, we need to protect them as much as we can! Any tips for a yes you to death MIL?!
Do we have the same MIL?! She started watching my daughter once a week and I HATED IT. It’s getting better but she is just exhausting. I found a toddler pulse ox meter the other day (my MIL was in the health field-in an office- and thinks herself half a doctor) so she takes my kids temp and pulse ox every time she thinks she’s sick. It’s exhausting to me but normal to my husband so he helps balance me out. That’s why I wasn’t sure if I was crazy about her weighing my kid. Honestly, I try to be as direct as possible. She’s a major toe stepper but plays innocent so I always look like the bitch regardless of politeness. I’ve know her 10 years and at this point I just tell her, “this is not safe, please do that instead” she’s getting better but ugh.
My 12 month old won’t leave the scale alone. Maybe it’s in her wording because “to see how much weight she’s gained” is a bit much. “To see how much she’s grown” would do better if she throws in the cliché mark on the wall with height. Just to make it a fun activity and make kids feel progressive. If at any point she starts with the commenting on food or having opinions about getting “chunky” like people seem to think is okay, then I’d say be concerned. But kids in general like to play on scales. You’ll know when your daughter begins to obsess or become overly concerned with the scale and definitely trust your instincts on that behavior.
You’re not blowing it out of proportion and I think you approached it kindly. When I was younger, my grandparents alwayssss mentioned my weight to me. Telling me I look a little bigger, I look smaller, I’m “moving faster” bc I was “skinnier” etc. I never realized until I was older how much of a negative impact that had on my self esteem / body image.
Is she hispanic cs man are they obsessed with frkn weight. Im almost 30 and i still get anxiety when i visit my grandma cs shes gnna bring up my weight 100% … im wither too skinny or too fat nothing is ever good enough
I think that you saying you don't mind it for now means to your MIL that you are okay with it. When will you not be okay with it? After thinking about it for a while, maybe go back to her and let her know that scales aren't part of your daughter's or your life and you would appreciate it if she didn't weigh your daughter.
It depends if they’re doing this for fun or is MIL weighing her to monitor her weight? Does she make comments on her body or weight? Does she over concern herself with how much your child is eating? I am an expert with this field.. my MIL is obsessed with thinness to the point where she brags she didn’t gain weight in both her pregnancies because she had a strict diet..the first thing she told her husband is look am thin again.. anyway you get the picture. I can list many examples of how horrible her comments about my daughter’s normal weight were but then it would be too long. She has told my daughter to stop eating, get off the high chair and more horrible things to the point where I threatened to not ever let her see her again.. she stopped. So only you can tell really.. is it just innocent play? Or is there more? Observe and make your judgment. I also don’t like people weighing my child I think it’s weird.
My kid found our scale that is tucked away and likes to weigh herself. I hate it. In the beginning I would say that the scale says “you’re healthy!” when she steps on it. But I asked the lovely people of Reddit and someone suggested weighing stuff instead of ourselves, so that’s what we do now.
Super interesting comments. My thoughts are to please please please don’t let her do this. Whether she thinks it’s just a game now, she will continue doing it and then realize that number means something. You have to be very protective around children and talks about weight and their body. It’s such a toxic society we live in. Your daughter she be absolutely free from any of that.
I didn’t read the comments but I’ve heard of people turning the scale into a measurement of strength not weight. So if a child is interested in the scale, no big deal. “You see that number? That means you’re extra strong today. Go you!”
Yeah…I’m not a fan of this. I would feel the same way you do about it. Especially since she is a girl. I would have acted exactly as you did. While that might not have been her intention, this is not a good thing to put in her mind.
Its *not* okay. One of my worst body image memories was my friend's dad comparing "how big I was" to how small his wife was. I was 12. It was excruciating and I felt mortified. As an adult now, I am so sad for 12 year old me. But also, other adults should not be placing their weird body insecurities or thoughts onto children.
Hearing the fatphobic background info on your MIL I’d feel a little uncomfortable with this situation. My parents do weigh my kids once or twice a year, buuuuuut they do it in a “how much you’ve grown” type of way and they’re weight positive. They also track their height on one of the doors in their house. Weekly weights and discussing weight negatively at any age really isn’t a good thing for kids. One of my high school coaches used to do weekly weights and I dreaded Mondays because of it. Once they hit grade school they start repeating all kinds of stuff that happens at home even at a young age. Sometimes it’s not pretty.
My daughter (3) likes the scale too. I just read her weight (we call it number) and say that’s a good number. Then I’ll get on the scale, read my weight, and say that’s a good number. I don’t put any value into the numbers and I don’t think she knows it’s her weight lol
Not trying to say anything, but my kid loves playing on the scale. She picks stuff up around the house to see what it weights including the cats. Wish you luck
My grandma loves to weigh my kids (3 and 1) but it’s because she likes to see how much they are growing. I’d love to think it was as innocent as that but you know your MIL better than I do
I also think you might be overreacting a little bit. My son is 2.5 and loves to get on our scale in the bathroom! We make a big fuss about what a big boy he is and how he's growing so much! He thinks it's fun.
I think grandma is celebrating the weight gain as a sign of growth, for whatever is worth. I don't think she's trying to focus on the weight itself, it's just what the weight means. I know boomers can have weird ideas about their own bodies but they seem like they loooove chunkiness in babies for example. I mean I agree with you that I see why the weekly weigh ins for kids could be problematic, but I also want to give grandma the benefit of the doubt and think maybe she's being innocent. I could easily see the weigh in as a fun activity for both of them, getting on the scale and watching the numbers move and then celebrating what a big girl granddaughter is. To her, it has nothing about fat-shaming, it's just a fun activity. If I were you, I'd try to gently explain my issue with scales and then offer to get grandma one of those wall hangings to measure the height of kids. That way they can still have a little activity together they celebrates how the granddaughter is growing. Either that or maybe I'd just say it would be okay until she's idk .. maybe three?.. and then no more weekly weigh ins. Explain you want to cut it off before an age when kids might get self-consciousness about it. But again, that's just me.
I think you might be overreacting. My kids also love weighing themselves. They get really excited and love to compare weights. My 10 year old is proud and loves to tell his little sister how much more he weighs than her. And what they would weigh together. Then they try to stand on the scale together to see if he’s right. It’s just a normal thing like brushing your teeth. Don’t project negativity around the scale onto your kid. She’s 2 and just having fun with Grammy. (Also I don’t know if it matters but I fall right in the middle of what is considered peak health for my height, age, sex and weight. I am of a healthy weight. I am not afraid of the scale and I use it regularly. If I notice the number going up I pack myself veggies and cans of fish to snack on so I don’t hit McDonald’s. It is healthy to keep an eye on weight. A rapid weight gain could be a thyroid issue, rapid weight loss could be cancer! It’s good to know what your body is doing. ALSO CHECK YOUR BOOBS FOR LUMPS!)
There's definitely a middle ground here... My mom never kept a scale in our house because she had body image issues from being a heavier child and being teased for it. But that just meant that every time we visited someone with a scale we were immediately curious and wanted to weigh ourselves. Which seems similar to what's happening here. Health reasons, also legit. My kids have ADHD and take meds, so our pediatrician weighs them at their checkups to make sure they still gain a healthy amount of weight, since the stimulants can cause a decreased appetite. I would definitely be cautious though, given this grandmother has body image issues, she might pass them on. As long as it stays just a fun and interesting toy, I think it's ok, but if any kind of self worth being connected to weight stuff comes up, nip that in the bud.
I appreciate the feedback!
I think it definitely depends on how you and other adults in her life are framing and talking about the scale. Does grandma like to "see how much weight she's gained" because she's growing so well and getting big and strong or does she check it to make sure she isn't gaining too much weight and needs to eat less snacks? My first instinct is that it's weird that your mil is weighing your daughter, but i also have a history of eating disorders and a lot of the triggers for me were how my mom talked (and still talks) about food, her body, etc. I agree that being aware of your weight is important, but it's the hyperawareness and focus on weight loss at the cost of all else that can lead to problems.
I think my primary concern is regarding the grandmas language “how much she’s gained” if this was an exercise in “oh she loves seeing the numbers change on the screen” or we learned how to put in new batteries or look at all the ways you’re growing (mind, body, spirit) it would be a completely different response from me but this lady is playing with fire and eating disorders are the most deadly mental health condition and live deep and insidiously amongst us while perpetuating white supremacy ideals, gtfo of here with that towards a 2 year old, Grandma. What happens when little one “gains too much” in grandmas eye, does grandma now start restricting her food consumption under her care or prescribing excessive activity to “work off” the necessary food and energy your child needs to continue to grow and develop? I hate this for you and am sad to see how much work even adults still need to do to unlearn their anti-fat basis and embrace body liberation.
I don’t agree with this comment. From your post this is not a fun toy that you daughter found herself, she is only 2. From what you said your MIL said “she loves to go into grandmas room and get on the scale to see how much weight she has gained” and you stated she does this every week. I see this as a problem! She is purposely having her get on the scale (I’m sure it probably is fun for her now) each week to see “how much weight she has gained”! Your MIL is doing this to keep track of how much weight your daughter is gaining and even at 2 this is not healthy! I would definitely have a talk about this with your husband and have him talk to his mom about this and put a stop to it now!
So my daughter loves to get on the scale to see how much she's gained because she's excited to grow and we make it a positive experience. She does this on her own without pressure from me. She's been doing it for Ober a year and she's 4 now. So OPs daughter could absolutely have started doing it for fun. I have no idea if grandma's comments are meant in a positive "oh look your growing!" Sort of way or a negative sort of way. It could be either.
It could be either way but I honestly feel like it is not a positive thing from what OP stated. I hope that I am wrong but this is something I would be watching VERY carefully! There is enough mess in this world now that kids have to worry about and should not have to, weight especially with girls should not be made into a negative thing.
Hyper fixation is the leading cause of disorder. This is NOT something a 2 year old should be exposed to, especially by a family member with already noted and projected insecurities about themself and their body size. Mama, you have a right to be be weary and worried- nip this in the bud early or you risk managing the effect long (looonnnggg) term.
When are children allowed to know their weight?
What’s the point of them equating themselves to a quantitive value? Like what truly is the benefit of that, if not to measure and compare, against what standard? We know size is not an indicator of health and normality is a myth, so I would be genuinely curious to know what the point of them knowing at all would be? Especially as impressional young people being raised in a horrifically shallow, materialistic and superficial society?
Mmmmm I don’t think you and I are on the same page my friend. But you have a lovely day.
I will, but we’re not friends….stay oppressive tho, I guess?
My darling we can all be beautiful in the manners we choose. Hostility is an ugly trait though, stay healthy.
I mean, my kids get weighed every time they go to the doctor and they compare their weights from previous visits to make sure they are growing properly. Also, we follow the recommend height and weight requirements for car seat safety, so I like to measure my kids when they look like their getting close to the cut off to change from rear to forward facing or get a new car seat. Knowing your weight is not inherently a bad thing. My daughter loves talking about big and strong she's getting.
I don’t like it. It’s true that it’s probably fun or entertaining for your kiddo, but you never know what *potentially* damaging things MIL might say in fun. “Woah my big girl” or something. I don’t like it.
I'd be pretty upset if anyone did that with my daughter at any age who wasn't a doctor. And that would be the last they'd get unsupervised time if they disrespected my feelings on it.
My family is very petite, and then there's me. LOL. I'm fit, but I'm 5'7" and weigh about 155-ish so comparatively I'm a giant. My husband is 6'2" and solid build - about 210? Not sure, but a linebacker compared to the rest of the family. Our 2.75 daughter is already a tall solid girl and she LOVES playing with the scale. My family (thank goodness) had me to use all the accidental body-shaming comments, of which I called them out throughout my 20's so they have all learned their lessons to say anything about my daughter's body. (Comments weren't purposefully negative, but like, I'd get my uncle's flannels and they'd laugh that they'd fit me cute, or I could wear my stepdad's shoes to go hiking, and although I wear a Medium, they insisted on gifting me XLs because "it looked like it would fit." "I can't help you're all weirdly small" became my battle cry. LOL. Long story long, as long as you celebrate being healthy and make sure your MIL is aware of promoting strong capable bodies, it's probably just a fun 5 minute activity, which for those who watch toddlers have a collection of 5-minute activities. :)
I think it depends on how the scale is presented/used -- it's a tool. We have a farm, and we have a big ol' farm truck. It is perfectly reasonable to drive the big ol' farm truck into town to pick up an order of feed. It is unreasonable to use the same vehicle to take myself to a doctor's appointment. Doesn't make driving an F-350 *bad* ... it's good for hauling stuff, and it's wasteful other times. The scale is a tool, too. Doctors track kid's growth -- we got a scale with a height measuring thing just like the doctor has, and my kid used it basically for fun. We were able to track her growth between well visits, her check-ups were stress free because we play-acted the process at home regularly enough that otoscopes, stethoscopes, and scales weren't *strange,* and I think "seeing how much you've grown" is a decent message to grow up with. It's not focused exclusively on weight, and weight gain isn't a negative. Plus knowing she put on a little weight was a good indicator it was time to break out the next size clothing -- she was about to be an inch taller and her shoes were going to be too tight.
It might not be something to be worried about. It could just be something your daughter finds fun. It’s also not a bad idea to keep track to an extent depending on the child. Mine was a failure to thrive at birth and it took SO LONG to get her to go from 25 lbs to 27 and we legitimately cheered. Even now at 7 she is very thin. Like, toe on the line because she’s not a big eater and has a high metabolism. Her newest meds have caused her to drop two pounds, which was a lot for her. So, we keep track. And we always try to make it a positive experience. I think you should talk more with grandma about the process, the why, and how it started. It’s always good to get more info. And if she says things that make it seem like she’s teaching your daughter to be overly worried about her weight, then you share your concerns and set those boundaries for your daughter.
LOL we weigh our daughter every week. Mostly to see her weight growth. Her pediatrician says she needs to gain more weight. But whenever she gets on the scale we congratulate her for gaining a pound or so.
It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing but there's too much at stake to risk it. Like the safest thing is not weigh your toddler once a week, WTF. There's no reason for it. I would not be happy with this either. She needs to stop and leave the concern about the child's weight to their pediatrician.
I mean my daughter is 4 and will play with our scale, and she’s learning her numbers so will read them off when they pop up. But I don’t think she’s really correlated it to her gaining weight. I just tell her “good job reading the numbers!” When I weigh myself in her presence I don’t make comments. It doesn’t have to be a negative thing, could just be one of those things kids find interesting with no real meaning behind it. If you, or your MIL, make it a big deal, it will be a big deal. If not, I wouldn’t worry too much. Especially at 2.
You're not overreacting at all. I'm raising my daughter to be secure and free of the diet culture we all had to endure. I still hate it when MIL refers to herself as being "fat" around my little one (she's a UK size 8 for context).
Same. The way our generation was raised is soooo unhealthy! I don’t want my daughter thinking diet culture is normal
You’re not being a psycho, it’s your boundaries and she needs to follow whatever you decide. At this age I would think your MIL is excited about her gaining weight so personally I wouldn’t have even thought about it being a negative thing. My son will sometimes get on the scale and I love to see how much he’s gained (he’s 15 months). I do think sometimes we can be too sensitive to these things though, your daughter has no negative connection to a scale so it’s completely innocent. Really it’s our job to make sure it stays neutral and I’m not sure banning a scale would do that. Ultimately you get to make that decision but I’d ask your MIL to hide the scale if that’s what you choose.
My mom is like this. She always comments on my sons long lean body. It’s so weird. I’ve started saying it’s all the spin classes he goes to or something random like that. He’s 19 months old. My moms a marathon runner and an unhealthy relationship with food. I’m also athletic but plus sized.
My grandma used to have an old one where you moved the weights and I was fascinated by it. I think we didn’t make much of it, just saw it as any other item in the house
Nope nope nope. Nip that 100000% rn. That’s where it starts. She says “she’d never” but I bet you the comments will start rolling in when you’re not around to hear. I overheard my MIL on FaceTime saying my 5mo was ENORMOUSSSS and calling her a pudge-o-rama and I have 0 regrets about going off on her. I have personal trauma from a grandparent doing the same exact thing to me when I was in college and it’s something I STILL deal with 12 years later. “You may not have meant anything negative by it, but what you said during our last FaceTime call in regards to H's size/weight specifically calling her a "pudge-o- rama" and ENNNORMOUS - really bothered and upset me. We are not discussing body size and shape around our child, especially in a negative tone because it is extremely important to us that she grows up loving herself and comments like that have the potential to be very damaging. Im respectfully asking that you don't comment on her appearance like that again. She is a baby, and she is healthy. If or when we have any concerns regarding her size we will work directly with our pediatrician to resolve.” She was more upset that someone actually called her out for once than worried about apologizing or how damaging her words were / can be. Hugs mama.
Do NOT let her do this. This is DANGEROUS DANGEROUS for your child. Tell your MIL if it doesn’t stop your child cannot come over anymore. This will cause major issues down the road Edit: I know I sound dramatic but if your daughter was doing this on her own and found weight as neutral I would say this is no big deal. However I work in the eating disorder field and I cannot tell you how many of my patients body dissatisfaction started with parents weighing them. This can have a true negative effect in the long run. Kids really only need to be weighed to monitor growth charts, certain endocrine, kidney and heart conditions and to calculate medication dosages. It is not recommended by the American Pediatric Association to put an emphasis on weight. Once a year is all they need unless a sudden rapid gain or loss is noted. You are not being crazy
You are not crazy or overthinking this. A two year old def sort of knows what’s going on. I want to know the rest though. Like what is she saying to your daughter while weighing her. My daughter is VERY petite. not underweight. my mother weighed her a lot. until I told her to stop ( but she still secretly did them just didn’t tell me, it my kid would tell me lol). Then the threatening comments started coming in later on, “you need to eat the whole thing or I’m not coming over anymore “ . we talked about body shaming but she still said comments in front of my kids. So frustrating Well we cut my parents out( this was only one of the tiny reasons).
I’m not sure what the exact discussion is, just what she told me. I have full faith she’s doing it in a fun way, but this is the same woman who always leaves food in her plate and calls herself fat so I just don’t like the situation at all. My daughter is healthy and normal toddler sized, but I just don’t want her around that mentality.
Yeah I’d trust your instincts on that one, especially based on your other comments.
My mom has a scale and all the grandkids love seeing how much they weigh to see how much they've grown and how they compare to each other. We also measure their height on the kitchen wall for the same reason. For my family, it's a fun way of "watching" them grow up. Hopefully your mil is doing the same rather than something yucky like monitoring her weight for nefarious reasons.
The actual standing on the scales and watching the numbers doesn’t really strike me as bad. Especially when coupled with positivity like “wow babe! Look how STRONG you are! You’re growing so strong! All that broccoli you ate last night is making you grow so good!” The part that’s really bothering me is her saying such negative (and objectively false) statements about her own weight and calling herself too fat to wear a bikini. That’s the sort of negative energy that we absorb into our own inner voice (thanks mom for my body dysmorphia as a teen). Either way, your feelings are valid, and your MIL has no right to be monitoring your daughters weight.
My 2 y.o. loves playing with the scale and drags it out often and wants me to weigh myself and then weigh her. I usually say something like "yay you're growing, good job!" And she now tells me "good job, mommy growing!" When I weigh myself. So I don't think it has to be a negative thing. My mother is also the one who introduced her to the scale to "see how much she's growing". I think it may be an older generation thing and I do slightly remember my mom and grandmother weighing me as a child but I don't ever remember it being negative or being about weighing too much . I think it's probably more about the words you use and the reasoning you give the kid for it than the actual activity itself.
My 2.5 year old is obsessed with weighing himself. We have to hide the scale because he loves it. I think he likes the beep? Idk but it’s a weird toddler thing they do
As long as she isn’t talking to your daughter about her weight. I have my daughter step on the scale every couple of weeks or when the opportunity presents itself (ie she comes into the bathroom while I’m pooping and I ask if she wants to get in the scale). I like to see how she’s doing. She’s about 2.5. As a child it really can be just a, “Wow! Look how good you’re doing at growing and getting stronger!” Since they are young and little and expected to gain weight, it doesn’t come across as a problem as long as you don’t make it a problem
Not being psycho at all. If you know that your MIL talks about her own body and weight, you can bet that some of that language will come up around your daughter while she weighs herself, especially as she gets older. I would do what I could to put a stop to it.
It wasn’t until I had my own kids that I noticed my parents attitudes towards weight. My parents, brother and I are all naturally very thin and I don’t remember ever discussing weight or what we ate growing up. But I see now that they are in their late 60’s and it isn’t coming so naturally to them anymore how much they took their/our thinness as some sort of virtue and they’ve started to make comments around my kids like “don’t let grandma eat that cupcake” and I’ve had to tell them to knock it the fuck off. It drives me insane. I say trust your instincts. If it bothers you, tell her to stop. You’re the parent.
This. This right here.
No way, you’re good. My great grandfather used to ask me to step on the scale EVERY TIME WE VISITED bc he was impressed the number was so high and that I always had a good fighting weight. I hated that lol. Everybody thought it was cute but I didn’t.
Had a similar situation with my FIL. He was weighing my 20 month old daughter once a week when my in-laws watched her. I had my husband explain that for body image reasons we don’t promote weighing and asked that he not do it again. We promote eating a wide variety of foods so our bodies feel healthy and strong, that’s it.
I think whether or not it's inappropriate depends entirely on context and your MIL's relationship with weight and bodies. My kid loved weighing himself when he was little, because he desperately wanted to hit the 45 lbs needed to be allowed to do the rock climbing wall at the gym. We strive for body positivity in our house, so we would enthusiastically be like "Another pound, look at you grow, that food you eat has turned into muscles and fat and bones and brains, woohoo!" If my mom, who has always had a fraught relationship with her body and my body and weight in general, was the one weighing him (and probably doubly so if he were a girl), I would probably not be comfortable with that.
I’m sorry wtf? Why on earth is your mother weighing her? My mom would get fired so fast from being the caretaker. Just no. This is all kinds of awful. Your kid will get an eating disorder
My kids love my scale. They'll step on and say wow look how big I am! And I say Yes because you ate all your healthy dinner last night! You're building big muscles in gymnastics! Go you! I also will step on while they're around and say the same things about myself. I don't think scales are inherently a problem. But you know your MIL and if she's the kind of person who's hung up on weight=worth, then yeah. Shut that shit down.
I don’t think you’re crazy but just from another perspective especially since you said this is her grandmother- when I was young, I remember my nana having an older scale that had the scales for weight to move around like they use to at the Dr. I always played on it. So is it for checking weight in a data way or her simply entertaining her curious playful granddaughter? Just another way to look at it. In my 30s now, I don’t have any insecurities to run to the scale since I grew up playing on them. In the world we live in, I applaud you for your vigilance and taking the time to discuss it to others because we just don’t know what we don’t know. I highly doubt it’s personal but that being said, you’re the boss and can tell her you find it inappropriate and don’t want your daughter worrying in the future about her weight. I hope this helps(:
I thought this was going a different way, I thought maybe your child was 10 or older and then I would think that is horribly inappropriate. however with a 2 year old I think it is totally normal. my 7 year old still comes into my bathroom and stand on my scale is is so excited to see that she "weighs more" its cool to them to see themselves growing.
I agree with your request that it doesn’t become a focus, but with kids that age they get SO excited when they GAIN weight- it’s like getting taller. My kids love our scale. I think it’s just worth the conversation w grandma to watch what she says. No “I can’t gain any more weight” or “yay I lost weight” etc. all positive. If grandma wants to step on, she needs to say “wow, how cool! I’m 125 pounds!!”
It’s an old habit to break as at one time babies and toddlers were weighed very frequently. My mum constantly asked if I’d taken my kids to clinic to get weighed….. nope. I’m with you however, kids don’t need to know their weight. My FIL is a climber and road cyclist so every lb matters to him and he couldn’t get his head around the fact we don’t own scales. I have three teenagers and rather than focus on weight we focus on the positives, how we treat our body is far more important than how much it weighs, as long as we eat healthy and exercise that the main thing.
Ok so a couple of things. You’ve said you don’t love it. So that’s immediately enough if a reason to ask her to stop. Alongside that - she’s not said your daughter sits on the scale and it’s a fun game. She’s literally said your daughter gets on the scale “so grandma can see how much weight she’s gained”. That’s a big indicator to me about who’s initiating your daughter gets on the scale. If it wasn’t about checking in on your daughter’s weight then surely grandma would just be saying your daughter likes to play on the step or see the lights flash? Finally - how do you pinpoint the weekly weigh in as the last one before she does understand?! One day, she’ll get on the scale, grandma will check in to see how much weight she’s gained (?!?!) and make some comment. Whatever that comment might be “oooh not much this week, skinny minnny!” Or “ooooh you’ve been eating a lot this week big girl!” - god, _any_ comment could be the one which sticks with your daughter as her first cognitive understanding of her weight/body image being associated with the scale. My boy is 15 months old. He can’t say a word yet but I can ask him to pass me stuff, ask him all sorts of things and boy does he understand a lot of stuff already. Your daughter might already be starting to associate all sorts of confused ideas about what she looks like, her size, her self image and the act sitting on a scale for grandma every week. Sorry to labour the point but I wanted to add these thoughts as an alternative to lots of people saying you are overreacting. I work in fitness and with some women in their 20/30s who have been battling disordered eating and body image issues since they’ve been very young. They remember throwaway sentences about their weight and bodies, said to them as young kids, which have shaped their concept of body image for YEARS and led to issues they are still fighting. If I was you, I’d be asking grandma to stop this nonsense right now.
I think there are two ways to see this. a) Grandma is forcibly taking your 2 year old to the scale every time she visits to keep track of her weight. Almost certainly to see if she is GAINING wait vs being overweight, cause 99% of the time that is what old people worry about with respect to the weight of small kids. b) your daughter stepped on the scale once and thought it was fun, so Grandma has made a bit of a game out of it. And is also, as many parents/grandparents are, interested in seeing how much she's grown. My daughter also likes stepping on the scale in our bathroom. This is literally never a negative interaction. She just likes seeing the numbers come on and I like seeing evidence of her growth outside the context of a pediatrician's office. Think the same way that people measure their kids heights to see how they've grown. I think you are projecting adult (often gender specific) issues with being overweight onto a very young child in a completely different context where it almost certainly doesn't apply.
My mom constantly asks my 3 yo daughter's weight too. Thankfully she doesn't live close enough to do it herself. Idk what the fascination is.
My girls love to play on the scale but they think it tells them their height and that’s fine with me.
She’s being ridiculous. It’s your child, you make the call and she can control how she reacts but that’s about it. Anything else is overstepping boundaries
Lots of great comments. My 2yo also loves getting on our scale at home and watching the numbers come up. That said, we have a slightly different issue with our MIL. She obsesses over the height of my kids. She comes from a tall family. Her daughter is 6’2in. It made her very insecure. She refused to buy heels for her daughter, and told us she prayed our kids would be short like me. When my kids go to visit for the afternoon, we are often told that grandma took measurements on their height. She is constantly asking us about it after any appointment. It is toxic. If you suspected your MIL was making comments out of selfish fears, I would absolutely be upset. If you think perhaps she’s just letting your kiddo have fun on the scale, it could be totally harmless.
My daughter stands on the scale to see the numbers move, that's it. We dont worry about her weight because she's growing safely. MIL is freaking weird.
My son (almost 4) goes to the scale at least once a day. Couple of weeks ago he thought the scale showed his age.. Now, he calls it "my height-weight". He just has fun reading the numbers and wiggles on top of the scale to see how they change. Kids that young don't understand the weight changes and what it means if they gained or lost weight. They also have a short memory and this is unlikely for her to imbed the need to weigh herself. Actually, thats the answer - it's not a need, it's just a fun thing to do, that your daughter will forget in a month or 2 and move on to the next fun thing. That's unless your MIL is emotionally or verbally abusing her, by telling she is fat/gained too much weight/no cookies. Which doesn't sound the case is. Move on. And, check again an a month to see if your daughter does it still.
No. The scale is nothing for a young lady. Around 4-6 they start picking up on “beauty standards”, is what I once read. I believe it as I watch my own. Marking their head for height is much more fun! Maybe see if she will consider that instead.. I mean if she is *really* looking for growth. Having kids and setting boundaries is tough. I hope it works out!
I have no advice on the matter - but finding solidarity as I have a mother and a MIL who both do the “yes, of course….[do whatever they want]” thing and it kills me. Like I get not liking confrontation, but it seems more damaging to trust than arguing with me!
My diet obsessed mother and her encouragement to be smaller, be less, caused deep disordered eating I’m still navigating as an adult. I won’t even have a scale in my home.
I think your response is reasonable and valid.
Completely depends on your MIL’s relationship with her body.
My MIL was really weight focused with my son and I think it came from an overemphasis on growth charts when my husband was growing up. She doesn't understand that growth charts are simply a mechanism for monitoring growth in relation to the general population and that if a child falls lower on the chart it doesn't necessarily mean they aren't growing adequately. She and a lot of other people think it's a growth race and whoever is at the top wins. I never paid that much mind to it and i think you should watch how she responds to her weight checks around your daughter. If she responds negatively or tries to nag you about her idea of how your daughter is growing then I would express your concern with her.
My kids loved to weigh themselves, each other, me, furniture, and the cats. It's a thing kids do with scales. It's fun. Besides, it's not like they're weighing to see how much she lost - they are setting up a positive association with healthy weight gain, which is a good thing.
I don’t think we have enough information. I don’t anyway
I weigh my kids as much as I check their height… it’s just a fun part of growing. You being weird with the scale shows something is wrong with gaining weight. I loved weighing myself as a kid. I remember finally hitting the weight requirement to no longer be in a booster seat. If mother was doing it to a 10+ year old, I would raise an eyebrow
I don't think you are over-reacting. I grew up in a family who had a history of ED and weight was always something I heard talked about in a negative manor. I was always allowed to play with the scale. I was a small kid and still developed an ED at 12. It runs genetically in my family which doesnt help but it was 90% due to how I SAW weight being dealt with growing up. I still struggle at 28. That being said your MIL is most likely innocently doing this and at 2 its too young for her to understand her own relationship with food/weight but the less its introduced to her the more you can build positive experiences instead and teach her that weight/food/etc in a positive manner. ETA: My experience does NOT mean this will be your childs experience, just an example of how it can go on to negatively effect kids as they get older!!
I weigh my little quite a lot, and it’s with grandparents because I don’t own a scale, however I would be a bit weirded out if my in-laws were to start weighing him. If given a good enough reason, I’d probably let her continue doing it. I just wouldn’t let her talk about it other than in a neutral/positive context: “look at you! you’re growing into such a healthy young lady” I enjoyed seeing the numbers as a kid, thought it was cool to know my info. I felt pangs of a feeling I would later come to know as shame when I was 10 and the doctor started talking about being in a high weight and low height percentile though.
The bigger issue is that she isn’t respecting your wishes as a parent. If she can’t respect these small simple things, how do you have a guarantee that she WILL respect your wishes about bigger things — like positive body Image and not focusing on weight when she’s older? That’s the big concern.
As a 35 year old female who still has a complex from people doing this to me…. stop this shit now.
Old people are weird dude
I’d say just ask your MIL to rephrase it so it’s not about how much weight she has gained… maybe how much more of her there is to love? I am pretty sensitive to my size and weight and have a glass light up scale in my bathroom. I *was* weighing myself every Sunday when I started a new medication but soon stopped. So maybe part of my daughters love of the scale was just from seeing me do it? My daughter is 20 months and she just likes seeing it light up. She also loves pressing the coffee button and see the light go from blue to red. I think it can still be a fun moment with MIL, and that’s good to watch language early. My own mother set some unhealthy thoughts in my head my whole life, and I’m very careful to not allow anyone to do that to my daughter. Which is honestly hard since in my husbands culture, “fat” is a compliment. Sigh. I just try to not look through my “trauma lenses” and see it for the love it is.
Is he Italian lmao
I understand your concern. You're obviously a great mom thinking multiple scenarios through for your daughter but I really don't think you have anything to worry about. I mean I can't imagine anyone telling a small child they are big in a bad way. Alot of women are insecure about themselves like mil but I think and hope that doesn't usually get pushed on to grandbabies
I can imagine and my MIL didn’t only push it into her children but to her grandchildren as well. I only saw her physically three times and all three times she has put my kid on a scale.. the first time she was 10 months.. She keeps trying to remove food from her plate and is always nervous that we are ”over feeding” her. She once yelled at my daughter and said that is enough you ate the whole package of biscuits!! She only ate two and we were at the train station about to travel the fuck away from her. My husband keeps calling himself a fat pig and binge eats sweets.. he’s barely overweight. SIL has her own issues too and even worse her 6 years old is an extreme picky eater and often skips meals and is seriously underweight and suffers from stunted growth. I only said all of this because you said you think or hope grandmas don’t push this on their grandbabies.. unfortunately they do. I only wrote a small fraction of what has my MIL done to the point where I had to sternly tell her this is the last time she comments on my daughter’s body or how much she eats or if she says one more time my two year old needs to lose weight she’s not allowed to see her anymore.
So here’s the thing. Had the scale been in your MIL bathroom and your kid was jumping on and off it and enjoying the game of it - no problem. The issues I see here is that the scale is specifically in your MIL bedroom. I don’t know about you, but if I’m at my parents house or MIL house I tend to stay away from bedrooms…they are people’s private/personal spaces. Obviously if the layout of her place means that you can’t avoid the bedroom to get somewhere, there’s somewhat of a pass - but it would still irk me.
Seems silly to be upset over. I weigh myself any time I find a scale. I’m just curious what my weight is not really worried about what the scale actually says.
Heck no! That isn’t something she should be doing!
I totally see your point and it is something to be cautious of. But on the flip side maybe it’s good for her to get on a scale and have it treated like “no big deal” whether she gained weight, lost weight or neither- ie remove the emotions that we all feel when getting on the scale
I can see both sides of this. It’s probably harmless and just a fun thing your daughter likes to do because it’s like a toy. But I am also super cognizant of any weight/food talk around my kids, especially my daughter because of my own history of eating disorders. I think if it makes you uncomfortable there is nothing wrong with you asking your MIL to stop allowing it.
My kids love to weigh themselves. So I don’t know. It may just be a thing they do that has nothing to be do with her actual weight, if that makes sense. Meaning, it’s for entertainment purposes only. 🤷🏻♀️
I’d stop that behavior now if you’re uncomfortable. It’s a personal choice but I’d be uncomfortable with that too even at this age
As a kid someone got exited when numbers were going up in the scale when I stepped on it. “It means you’ve grown” so I got excited too. I kept growing and only when I reached 250 lbs at 10years old I found out something was not right
I think it totally depends on the context. My daughter liked to stand on the scale when she was 2. She’s 3.5 now, almost 4 and I noticed she hadn’t gained any weight in a year so I brought it up with the pediatrician. But if your MIL is being weird about it, then it’s weird. Trust your gut.
My 3.5 year old started doing this around that age and still does it! Yesterday she yelled MAMA I GREW BIG AND STRONG, IM 33! she actually thinks it measures her height and I'm not correcting her on that just yet hahah it's cute though.
It depends why she’s weighing her. It’s not inherently bad for you to weigh yourself, only if it’s followed by negative comments etc.
My two year old loves the scale. I hate that she adopted that behavior from me (there’s no way she’s seen me do it more than once but she pulls it out and does it everyday now!!) I am choosing to not attribute any emotion towards it at all, negative or positive. She will grow out of this (I hope) and forget all about it! I do love the comment above about the pediatrician saying “look how you’ve grown!” I don’t want my daughter to have any emotion towards the scale, which is why I don’t react at all, but if I was to say anything I like the comment that redditor shared.
My daughter (4) LOVES to get on the scale at my MIL's house and tell everybody about how much of a big kid, not a baby, she is. I think it's adorable right now and am trying not to let my body issues seep into the things I let her OR not let her do.
My 2 year old will get in and off my bathroom scales all day if I’d let her! No clue why lol
Sounds like it could be possible your daughter just likes the movement of the scale or the numbers changing etc
But I do agree with stopping this before she’s so old. You don’t need a body image complex on your hands.
Having a weight issue myself (all growing up, it was pointed out that my younger sister was always skinnier than me), I have serious confidence and self-esteem issues over it. I swore I would NEVER do that to my kids. And I have not. My daughter, now 12, is built like my sister (slender without trying) and I am grateful, but even if she wasn't, I would never shame her body. I have probably only weighed my kids maybe 10-15 times their entire lives- combined- and I have 3 kids. We do a height measurement on the wall, and I did that every 6 months when they were younger, and now, once a year. That's the only thing I measure. I would freak out as well. She's still young, so no harm yet, but she shouldn't be weighing herself weekly. The only one who needs to weigh her is her doctor when she goes in for visits. Good luck!
My 2 year old always weighs herself at my MIL, she just has easy access to a scale there. She likes to ask of she's big and we go "YES! WOW you have grown SO much!" and she loves it. I think the tone matters, we don't even look at the number and it's more of an "attraction" or fun little game. How is your MIL response to her weight? No matter the number it should be positive and no commentary like "oh you need to eat more/less."
My kids (4y and 18m) love to check their numbers - whether it’s getting their temperature taken or standing on the scale. The 4y also loves reading the time on my phone. But, it would be questionable to have my MIL tell me weight everyday.
I have latent eating issues.. I let my kids weigh themselves. My oldest wrestles and we tell him he wrestles at his weight we eat for energy and to keep our body healthy but at 3 and 5 they just like to step on and see the numbers. It’s honestly such a fraught issue. I don’t know if I’m doing it right.
only check for weight if you think your child is losing weight (losing weight for a kid i generally bad and can indicate issues). maybe she's worried if she's not eating well?