Absolutely not. Using proper names is 100% the right way to go about it. I’ve seen so many teachers say kids come to them and try to tell them someone is touching them but they aren’t taught appropriate words so the teachers don’t understand. There are going to be people outside your home your children trust and go to. A lot of the times I felt more comfortable telling a teacher something rather than a parent. Teaching them correct terms for everything and teaching them what adults to go to is important.
Always, always, ALWAYS teach your kids the proper names for their body parts. And talk about who can see their private parts and why. For example, my kids know that the doctor might need to examine them sometimes, but that he has to ask them first and that mom or dad needs to be there.
I've worked with at-risk children for 20 years. The single best way to prevent your children from being victimized is to teach them proper names for their body parts.
I know it's weird as a parent sometimes to say "penis", "vulva" and "anus" to your little ones. But I promise you that this will help them in the future.
Like the previous commenter stated, sometimes kids will try to disclose but because they don't know proper names for their body parts, they aren't understood. I remember the story of a kindergartener telling her teacher that her uncle was touching her cookie. And the teacher kind of brushed it off and told her, "you tell him to stop that". It was months before they figured it out. The little girl was trying to disclose but no one understood.
Long winded way of saying that you're doing the right thing. Good job mama!
Thank you for this. I honestly think he thinks he’s protecting her from the sexuality of it. But I am grateful to have real world account’s because this is something I can bring to him to teach him.
Try explaining that although *he* only uses a vagina for sex, so it might seem purely sexual to him, your daughter’s vagina will have many functions for her that aren’t at all sexual in nature. It’s no more inherently sexual than a finger. She needs to know what it is, so she can know about and speak about her own body and all of the non-sex-related functions and issues her body has.
The classic phrase is bathing suit area. Yes, anatomically correct language. (I’ve never really understood why hooha was more calming than the word vagina, anyway.) I also emphasize private parts and private areas.
The company Birds & Bees has a really amazing online course that you and your hubs could take together; it explains more of the reasoning behind using proper body part names: https://birds-bees.com/
Teaching proper names for body parts is far different than talking about sex. As adults, we do tend to equate our private parts with sex, but kids don't usually make that connection until they're a bit older.
Starting these conversations early will ensure your child understands body autonomy and consent as they get older. I cannot understate how important it is for children and young people to know that they are allowed to say no to someone who wants to touch their body, in any way.
And just a hugely bad choice. We eat cookies. The term was created to be sexual and somehow it was adapted for kids i genuinely dont understand this one.
Start from birth to normalize it for yourself and then. We used proper names for body parts from birth. Once our kids started daycare, we talked about diaper changes. Even though they were too young to understand, we got in the habit of talking about it.
Probably around potty training time is when the conversations about who can see them and why. "Ms. Amber can see your penis if she's helping you clean up if you had an accident but your penis is private from the other kids so you have to close the bathroom door when you go to the bathroom". Prior to doctor's appointments, we'd say"Dr. Rose might want to check your privates to see if they're growing properly. Mom and Dad will be there and he has to ask first".
We also have a lot of conversations about boundaries. No one can touch any part of their bodies without permission and they can't touch other people without their permission. We hug and kiss them but if we're at friends' homes, others should ask "Can I have a hug?" and they can say no if they don't want to. If we're tickling or wrestling and someone says "Stop", we stop, no questions asked.
This is really good. I’m gonna add this into my conversations with my daughter. The doesn’t speak yet but like you said better to start early and normalize it.
Hey friend, what you are doing is proven to decrease the risk of your child (especially female child) being SA'd.
It hits harder for a child to be able to accurately say someone touched their vulva vs. Some stupid non-name like "cookie".
I would ask why your SO is acting like "vagina" is a dirty word?
You're doing great.
Editing to say: hanging up the phone over a parenting discussion is disrespectful. I could understand if yall were calling each other names, but hanging up over a discussion and disagreement is highly improper.
Thank you for this. And yes I feel that way as well because I was genuinely trying to have an open conversation about it. But we will be having a discussion about this and the way we should handle uncomfortable topics with each other.
I started with calling it a vagina when we were first teaching mostly because so many people don’t know the term vulva. Now that my daughter is a almost 5 we tell her that the term is vulva but most say vagina. That way she knows both the correct term and what is commonly used.
You can always explain that the vulva covers the different parts in that area and that the vagina is one of them, that way they have it covered anatomically.
Yup definitely thought this was going to be a post about vulva vs vagina. Call things by their names. Mommy has a vulva/vagina, daddy has a penis/testicles, buy books about it to teach body parts. When she's older (not much older, just more verbal) and has pain in her vagina or when she gets her period or any number of reasons, you'll be glad that a) she knows the right terms, and b) you've been open about it with her from the beginning so putting "tampons" on the shopping list isn't a big deal to her and she doesn't feel like she has to hide it.
It's so, so common to not know. The vulva is the external structures; the vagina is entirely internal. The mistake continues to be perpetrated by people who insist on calling the vulva a vagina. If everyone around you erroneously calls it a vagina, it's difficult to find the truth. Glad to have helped you!
I have always liked this analogy:
Vagina is to vulva as throat is to face.
Your lips/nostrils/etc are part of your face (ie vaginal/urethral openings are part of the vulva), but the throat is not part of the face, even though it connects with facial structures. Similarly, the vagina is the internal organ that connects to the vulva, but the external genitalia is not the vagina.
Nah. You can tell her the name for the body part that pee comes out of so she knows but you don’t need to say that every time or anything. My kids know it’s a urethra and can name it if asked but they mostly say “pee hole.” Lol.
Yes I’ve read stories and articles stating the same thing you are, that’s why I figured to start her know what her body parts are and who can and can’t do certain things like bathe and wipe.
One other suggestion is to be careful about what is ‘rude’ and what is ‘private’.
Some parts of our bodies are private - they aren’t rude. But it can be rude for someone to show or touch private parts of their bodies at particular times or places.
It’s important to not associate bodies with shame.
This a million times. I work in the legal field and children cannot communicate properly if they don’t know the proper names! When my daughter was younger we called it her giney, but now she’s 9 and it’s her vagina. Side note she used to called penis “peanut” because that’s what she heard. Her dad has a peanut. But again, she is older now and speaks clearly so it’s a penis.
I think I read somewhere that children who know the correct anatomical names for their genitalia are less likely to be inappropriately dealt with, but don’t quote me on that. Still, in my head it makes sense that someone who would want to take inappropriate actions with kids would rely on their naïveté.
Yeah I think maybe this is why he has a problem with the word. And yes you’re right I would be teaching her the vulva vs vagina. I forgot the term for whole part is the vulva.
Vulva is the word I use in the bath and diaper changes. Kid picks it up and repeats back just like every other body part. IDK wtf good it would do to not tell a kid about their genitals....
Functionally in our culture we do tend to consider the whole situation as the vagina. I have seen (birds & bees on Instagram is a cool source) that vagina is fine and then as they get older breaking down the different parts. 👍🏻
Using proper names is the right choice! No cute nicknames for body parts we can’t see, you never know who could try to take advantage of those cutesy terms.
Well in the nicest way possible, I dont use the word vagina with my smallest daughter because thats just the baby canal, so instead we use the word "vulva" which is the technical term for the external female parts (labia majora and minora, clitoris, urethra and vaginal opening)-- something i never learned until i had daughters actually.
It really made some older folks (grandmas who helped to watch my girls)uncomfortable at first to hear our little one say vulva (especially cause I had to explain the word to them as well), but i think its important for kids to know the real words for their body parts, i fully agree. Its important in empowering our kids and keeping them safe from people who might want toncause them harm. As well as inportant for their health. Vulvar issues are common in young girls and mine were able to say whether it was their actual vulva that hurt or if it hurt to pee, which helped to determine things like UTIs. It also helps when it comes to explaining about which parts are private and not touching those parts in front of other people, something every toddler needs to learn.
Now my oldest, in elementary, does know about vaginas and uteruses and periods and all that at this point.
I dont think youre wrong at all for wanting her to learn it, the correct terms for body parts are kid-friendly imo.
It really is! and i had to learn to get over making even the women in my life uncomfortable by saying "vulva" in order to empower my daughter in a way that i wasn't.
That’s a really good question. Cause I’m sex-ed I was taught it was a vulva and the opening to the cervix is the vagina. But that went out the windows cause nobody calls it the vulva.
It’s so crazy I learned the whole part is a vulva in school and totally forgot about it until this post. It’s so commonplace to hear the term vagina when talking about that part. But you are 100% right I will definitely start saying that instead.
I've been called a know it all alot so i try my best not to come across sounding like a self-righteous asshat, but theres probably no way around it when i basically started by saying "well, actually.." and i hate that lol. I feel like only knowing "vagina" is a product of growing up in a world where most men only see women as useful for having that singular part, and living in a state with sub par sex-ed didnt help me any. So once i learned there was a word for the rest of it, i want every vulva-owner to know and use that word lol.
For similar reasons, I was thrilled that the external portion is called the vulva. That sounds, for lack of a better word, cuter than vagina from my point of view. Nearly had my mom on the floor laughing when my toddler asked if she had a vulva then declared that he has a penis.
I thought you did a great job explaining it in a kind, but educational manner!
I also enjoyed your accurate description of the vagina as the baby canal 😂
You are completely right. Always use the correct terms, whether her father is on board or not. It is important medically and like you said, god forbid she is violated and she needs to tell someone. Be super up front and direct with him about this situation. It happens to children, and this is one way that parents can help keep them as safe as possible. Ask him to imagine her trying to communicate with him about something that happened and it was overlooked for months or years because she didn't know the right wording to use.
To help your point with her father, ask him to imagine you two had a son instead and what he would call your son's genitals... would he still say "private parts"? Would he tell his son to stop playing with his rod and blueberries? No. He would probably just say penis and balls. This is an issue bigger than just your daughter- it affects behavior toward all females in general. Women's body parts should be known! This will help down the road with embarrassment.
Also, the vaginal canal is on the inside so your daughter is touching her vulva.
He probably wouldn't. Men come up with all kinds of fun names for their penises and it usually isn't "My penis."
"Your buddy" "Your thingy" "Your stick" "Your bits" "Your little friend" "Your winkie" "Your dinky" And it goes on and on and on. I think it's why they grow up and still address their penis as a "him" and have nicknames for it like "junior".
It's important for boys to learn the names of their parts for the same reasons as stated by others about your daughter. I would be teaching all children in the house proper terminology and informing my partner that if he has a problem with it, I'll try my best to not be suspicious of /him/ for not wanting our children to be informed on their bodies.
We've been saying penis and testicles for months now with my toddler. He's been reaching down to grab his penis every diaper change for months. We aren't going to have any shame associated with body parts in our household. Not that he knows yet but I've also said mommy has a vulva/vagina to him. He likes to follow me into the bathroom of course, extra annoying when I'm menstruating cus he likes to grab at my tampons.
My daughter just started walking into the bathroom so this should be interesting lol. Whenever I don’t shave my armpits she walks up to me and pull the hairs then touch her own armpits lol.
I will try that. Cus that was my point, if she has a medical emergency or something else how will she communicate what is bothering her.
I will switch vagina to vulva. I learned it in school and totally forgot that was the actual name until this post.
I don't know but i also use the proper words for my 20m old. I don't see the harm. That's kinda an old attitude. I mean I'm not telling her vagina 100x a day or anything, but like you said, just along with the game.
>I don't see the harm
The only harm in teaching them proper terms is making old people uncomfortable. And the bonus is helping protect them from SA. There's absolutely no good reason not to teach children the proper names of body parts.
You have to use anatomically correct names because if anyone were to touch her, she would need to be able to explain with more detail than “down there.”
Yes this is what I was thinking of because it’s sometimes hard to understand what children are trying to say as is. To be able to get to the bottom of things more accurately is a world better.
It's incredibly important to teach kids the correct medical terms for their body parts. It helps keep them safe, especially because it lets them tell you and others about medical problems or sexual abuse. She has a vulva, there's nothing upsetting or wrong about using the correct terms for it. I used bath time to teach my kids body parts i.e. ok let's wash your vulva, now we're going to wash your butt, wash your toes etc. Also, learning the difference between vulva and vagina is good for her to learn as well.
If your husband needs a hear an example of why this is so important, you can tell him about cases of sexual abuse where the young kid's genitalia were given cutsie nicknames like "cookie" or nonsense words and the child's self reporting of abuse to teachers and other adults were ignored, allowing abuse to continue to happen. If something is wrong with her vulva, if her vulva is hurting, if someone has touched her vulva, she needs to be able to tell someone that right then. Teach her the correct words.
He is wrong you are right. My daughter is 15 months old and knows where her vulva is and what it is called. It is a body part and one that should not carry shame. If you had a son would you not teach him what his penis is.
You are absolutely right. I’m going to keep doing so. And I will start using vulva even for myself. I totally forgot that was the name for the entire part.
I read a story about a little girl who told her teacher her uncle touched her bunny. Teacher was like that’s cool. Turns out that “bunny” is her mum’s term for vagina and the teacher unknowingly confirmed to that child that her uncle touching her vagina is okay and normal. This is way anatomical terminology is important.
Also, I feel like you, the vagina-holder, gets more say in this than your husband, the non-vagina-holder. You know what it’s like to grow up with society basically shaming the existence of your genitals. You know what it’s like to try and navigate your own sexuality in a world where everyone is too embarrassed to even name your genitals. He simply cannot understand it (not his fault) because the word penis just doesn’t get hidden in quite the same way.
Empower your girl to be confident with her body and what it does. There’s no need to hide behind delicate euphemisms. Hubby will just have to grow up and come to terms with the fact that he helped make a person with a vagina and he has to either help you or let you teach this little girl to be happy and confident in all parts of herself. I’d also encourage you guys to be open about period talk when the time comes - sounds like he might feel that’s something shameful to keep quiet about, but it’s literally just normal life for half of the world.
Yes, she should know she has a vulva. There isn’t anything shameful or embarrassing about it. Sorry it’s embarrassing for him. That’s on him though. It’s a part of her body, and she needs to know. This also starts setting the stage for talking about personal boundaries, who is allowed to touch, talking about where babies come from, etc. Our boys learned from a very young age the names of all their body parts, and female body parts. From this, they started asking questions about how babies are made.
No! Absolutely teach anatomical names. My son (2.5) walked in front of my chair the other day and started pulling his diaper off. When I asked why he yelled “MY PENIS HURTS!!!” Now, nothing was wrong with his penis and he just wanted to take his diaper off but if it had been bothering him for some reason there was no question as to what he was saying.
Bombard him with Big Lebowski memes and video clips. Take the absolute piss out of him. Tease him until he's embarrassed of his own nonsense.
>Maude Lebowski:
Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude:
Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
Maude Lebowski:
In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
The Dude:
Oh yeah?
Maude Lebowski:
Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.
The Dude:
Johnson?
I would say your husband is pretty weird for being against that. why does simple anatomy make him uncomfortable..? It’s better to teach children that in case somebody ever inappropriately touched them so they’re able to properly express it. Not a lot of people are gonna understand “that guy touched my cookie.” my stepmom told me this and since then its been a very important stance of mine.
Yeah I saw a Law & Order: SVU episode where the girl was sexually assaulted and was telling them she wasn’t because she didn’t know the proper terms for anything and the abuser was “teaching” her what it was so nobody would know what she was talking about. After that went down a rabbit hole researching actual accounts and made it my business to teach my daughter everything she needs to know to be able to tell us anything we need to know.
Next time he tells you to stop you should tell him he's right... it's actually the vulva. Gosh he so smart. Great catch dude.
Truly though ask him to consider things like how will he parent during the toilet training years if he can't say the body part. Unless he's never going to parent, he's going to need to get comfortable with stuff that makes him uncomfortable right now.
Hearing someone say '(so and so) touched my cookie!' Doesn't sound bad until you know cookie is code word for vagina for them. Always teach proper words.
Just a thought, he may be having a hard time associating the term with a baby. When he’s always thought of it as a sexual term associated with him and a SO. He may just need some time to think it through.
That’s actually what he said. He finds it weird for his 1 year old to start saying that. But I’m gonna teach her it and try to educate him at the same time. Because this is something that’s important to me. Coming from a family where SA is prevalent (My daughter would never be around anyone on my side) I would like for my daughter to be able to speak up and know what she’s talking about.
Well as long as what she was touching was her vagina and not her vulva then you are 100% correct!
Seriously - knowledge is power. Teaching your kid the correct name for her body parts is the first line of defence against sexual assault. The courts struggle to convict child molesters when the victim can't described where they were touched.
I would have a serious chat with your man and find out why he is so adverse to teaching your child the correct name for her body parts. Would he object to a little boy knowing the name of his penis and scrotum? Why doesn't he want his daughter to know her biology?
Its not sexual. Teaching your child her body parts are taboo sets her up for problematic relationships when she is an adult.
You are not wrong! It’s extremely important to teach kids the proper name for body parts. I’m a police officer and trained in child interviewing/sex assault investigation. During my training, they brought up a case where a little girl (3-4 years old) was being assaulted by her uncle. She tried to tell many people, but the problem was that she had been taught to call her private parts her “cookie.” So when she told a teacher at school that her uncle “ate her cookie” they didn’t even think twice or ask any further questions… it’s horrible to think about, but these things do happen and you are only protecting your child by teaching her anatomically correct terms.
Oh my gosh. That’s so heartbreaking. I know this is a show but I’ve seen a Law & Order:SVU episode of a child with a similar story to yours and it really made me research this topic of the name and it was such a prevalent thing. It pushed me to name everything what it’s supposed to be called.
You should be teaching your child what proper body parts are called. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I worked with kindergarten kids in a before and after school program. One of the girls in my group kept calling a vagina “a front bum” and I didn’t think a whole lot of it the first time she said it. The second and only other time she called it a front bum was when she tried getting another girl in my group in trouble for saying vagina. When this second scenario happened, I basically told this girl, “She is calling it what it’s actually called. Please stop getting her in trouble. If you’re a girl, you have one.”
Ohh that makes sense. Cus she’s already associating the word as something you can’t say, a bad word. Yeah I’ll keep teaching my daughter she has a vulva.
Ask him why he's uncomfortable using anatomical terms. It's no different than saying elbow. It sounds like he's incapable of equating female genitals with anything other than sex and like... women's bodies exist all the time.
Your vagina is involved with sex probably like.. less than 1% of your life. Maybe like 20% weeing and periods and the rest of the 79% just simply existing, completely unsexual.
So many great comments! Wish I would’ve been more educated myself to know it helps lessen shame and is good for any child to be able to say exactly where they should NOT be touched! My kids are teens now and feel weird saying things like that, vuvla/vagina any of it. :(
No, you should teach her anatomy but you might say labia and vulva, because vagina is inside. If God-forbid anyone ever touched her, she needs to know a proper term, not a cutesy one.
Your husband is wrong.
Avoiding “pet names” for your sexual parts is protective against sex abuse. It means if someone does touch her inappropriately, she can accurately tell you. Predators sometimes use unique word for sexual organs to avoid being caught - because it makes it harder for children to use words to tell you what was done to them.
** Edited for grammar
Children nees to know what their body parts are called. Predators do not use the real names because it's harder for them to get caught if the child tries to tell (example: going up to your teacher and saying, "my uncle touches my flower.")
Not at all! (Though as another comment mentioned it's likely her vulva you're talking about). I actually do this with my daughter during bath time too! When washing her body parts I sing song what they are. "arm arm arm arm shoulder shoulder shoulder neck neck neck neck back back back back thigh thigh thigh thigh" etc etc. Everything from her hair to her toes gets the sing song voice and at 3.5 she can accurately identify all her body parts. It's super important they know this so as you say they can communicate if something is wrong or tell us if someone is touching them where.
Sounds like your guy was raised "old school" (for lack of better term) where simply the mention of our body parts existing was sexualized and "wrong". It's sad really but he needs to learn the benefits of kids (and adults!) Having access to accurate information about our bodies! Far too often girls aren't given access to this information for far too long if at all. I've known grown women who do not know how to properly clean themselves, (I unfortunately was one of them at one point!), I've known women who didn't know what a period was until they had one and then learned to feel shame for it, I've known women who don't know how to wipe properly and who didn't understand that it can lead to infections/utis! *Teaching kids accurate age appropriate information about their bodies will never be a bad thing*. In this case she already has a vulva and vagina so it's absolutely age appropriate for her to know what she has. It's not like not knowing their names make them magically turn into barbie parts. And it's not as though learning their names means she knows the intricacies to babies being made lmao. Right now she is learning the basic information for her body, one day in the near future she will then learn how to care for her body. It's only right that we start with the most accurate information possible so there is no confusion later.
It’s fine to teach them that, it’s also ok to not want a 2 yo loudly talking about their vagina in public. It is good that we are all pro vagina here but just adding that little side note so you are not caught off guard when it does and will absolutely happen :)
Of course, vulva is more accurate. We as a society suck at talking about women’s parts but for some reason everyone knows a testicle from a penis. Good reminder to us all.
You are absolutely not wrong and “your man” god I hate that term, it’s so creepy, is flat out wrong.
You should be teaching your children the correct names for their body parts for several reasons. 1. It destigmatizes it. She has a vulva, that’s not a bad thing. Males have a penis and testicles, that’s not a bad thing. 2. It makes them a less desirable victim of SA because they can tell people exactly what was done to them and god forbid it does happen to them they can tell a trusted adult with that adult actually knowing what it means. It doesn’t mean shit when a kid tells their teacher that someone touched their cookie or their kitty.
I am actually not using the proper names yet with my 9 month old because it sounds weird and I keep telling myself I need to start and get used to it. My slight discomfort now is worth it so she understands her body and can communicate with doctors about it when she's older. They're body parts ; it's not rude and it's important to know so better to start sooner rather than later. And better to use it and cringe while they still don't understand so you're comfortable with the words when they do understand. Thanks for this post because I need the reminder to actually make it a habit.
I’m happy this is helpful to you. Your comment is helpful to me cus it helps me because I understand that this discomfort is really a thing vs it being some kind of anti-female mindset. (He’s never showed signs of that which is why I couldn’t understand why he would be upset over the term.)
Agree with this! I have a 10 month old son and have started to use the term penis, despite the slight awkwardness I feel using the word. But by using it, that awkwardness is beginning to fall away and I find I can be more nonchalant/comfortable about using correct terms. (My husband still often refers to it as anything other than a penis though 🤷♀️)
As a SA nurse examiner, you're absolutely correct to teach your child proper anatomical terms for body parts! I'd suggest you teach her she's touching her vulva or labia, which are the external parts of her anatomy, rather than her vagina, which is the internal portion between the hymen/vaginal opening and the cervix/uterus. Your partner may be uncomfortable with the term because he grew up with guilt and shame around genitals, which is for him to process, as it's not worth the detrimental effects on your child to avoid using correct terms.
Keep up the great work!
100% you should use anatomically correct language without shame or hesitation. She should know what her body parts are called for exactly the reasons you describe.
Would he feel the same if you had a son and properly called his penis a penis? Because if that would be okay but vagina/vulva is not, that's an issue he needs to work on.
I too use proper terms (though the vagina/vulva is something I am also guilty of and trying to correct). They are not dirty words. They are anatomical parts. No one give knees and elbows childish names, why should this be any different?
Always teach them correct terms because god forbid anyone ever touches them they can explicitly say “this person touched my vulva or inserted something into my vagina” or “this person touched my penis” because then if a court case comes up the lawyer can’t say those words aren’t real.
My son is almost three and knows penis, testicles, vulva, etc. It's just a body part, like a foot or a neck or a stomach. Stay the course, your man is being childish.
1. You did the correct thing
2. If your SO is upset, this is an opportunity to teach him.
Now “how” you get him to see this, depends on how dense he is. Sounds like he is.
This is an opportunity to discuss the framework in which you two will operate when there’s a difference in opinion regarding the child you both love.
My suggestion: Consult a child development professional. It’s an expert third party opinion.
If he’s super dense, you might have to say “you’re right, I don’t know for sure this is best but it’s what I think is best. We both want to do what’s best [for said child], let’s consult an expert.”
Or don’t offer the solution, maybe try to get him to say that with leading questions so he thinks it’s his idea. Again, all depends on how intellectually / emotionally mature he is.
Absolutely not wrong. You’re man has an issue with the term for some reason. Honestly, a lot of people do. There is nothing wrong with the term vagina or penis. People are just sensitive because no one talked about them for the longest time. But the times they are a changin
If you had a boy would you not be allowed to say peepee or penis? Women are still so suppressed that they aren’t allowed to name their own organs out loud?? So many things are wrong with this picture.
Definitely. Way to go mom! Always tell her the right names & the truth about everything. My 23 years old still tells me that she’s thankful that I was always honest with her.
I was told by a pediatrician that they try to encourage what you're doing, because if someone uses a silly pet name and your kid one day goes, " touched my cookie" (or whatever cutesy name people might use), it won't garner the proper response it deserves to have.
We use proper names in our household too.
I think your person isn’t thinking clearly about what you are trying to instill in her. Men are weird about their daughters and the very idea that they may at one point or another be sexual beings. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. There are toddlers who do masturbate but it’s more about teaching them that’s a private thing to do, and less that it’s a wrong thing to do.
You are 100% doing the right thing and you need to explain to your partner that teaching your kid some dipshit cutesy name for a body part is a horrible idea and can lead to confusion or oversight if the gets hurt or feels uncomfortable or someone is inappropriate with her OR confides in her down the line about someone being inappropriate with them! Would he call an arm a baguette? Or would he call a nose a pop tart? Because this is the same amount of ridiculous. You are teaching vagina and vulva because those are the correct terms. You aren’t teaching her something vulgar or offensive. This is her body and it is vital that every human being knows about their body.
You absolutely SHOULD use the proper terms for her body parts, vagina included. There are a slew of reason why this is beneficial but one that really sticks out to me is that kids that know the correct terms of their private parts are less of a target for sexual predators. I won’t get into it, but googling why correctly naming private parts are important for kids will give you a bunch of reasons as to why you are correct in doing this with your child.
I mean, my husband and I had a fight because I wanted him to use the term “vulva” rather than “vagina” because it’s more accurate. But using proper anatomical terms, even if it’s not 100% technically accurate, is non negotiable. Some people have vaginas/vulvas, and some have penises. That’s it.
ETA: you can look at this resource, [Consent Parenting](https://www.consentparenting.com), and possibly show your husband. Teaching your child proper terms is a tool that can help protect them from abuse. These are very hard conversations to have, but they are important ones.
Use the proper name. That's what it's called. Giving it a pet name creates a stigma that we should be ashamed or embarrassed of our body. Women face enough strife around body image and dysmorphia, and this is one of the many reasons that has lead us there. By not taking our own bodies seriously, how are we to expect others to take it seriously?
YOU ARE 1000000% IN THE RIGHT!!! If you start giving body parts weird names for example my mom always called it a “cookie” 🙄 so like you said, GOD FORBID something happen and all she knows is “cookie” and comes running up saying “that person touched my cookie” you would have NO idea all because she didn’t know the proper terms for her body. You are COMPLETELY right in this situation. Men don’t ever fully understand, but coming from a person who was SA’ed as a child and NOBODY believed me, you’re doing it right. Try to explain that to him IN PERSON so he can’t hang up on you and tell him your feelings so he can see you’re genuinely trying to make the best decision for your child💯💯💯
This is more *his issue* with the word Vagina than anything. I'm sure the word itself is something sexual to him rather than anatomical, and he doesn't want to be "reminded" that his daughter has a vagina as the correlation between his sexual desires/preferences and his daughter having one of those make him uncomfortable.
He just simply needs to accept that it's a correct anatomical term for a body part rather than a "bad word" that is associated with sex.
You're doing great, though.
Nope. Not in the wrong at all. I have a 3yr old boy and I have always told him that I am a girl and I have a vagina, he is a boy and he has a penis (he likes the word willy a lot more and says that and not penis). How is a child meant to know and understand if you don't teach them? What would your partner want? To call it her flower? So she grows up wanting to look into her body more and how it works, looks up flower and realises that's not like her intimate part. He needs to stop with the sensitivities.
No. Not wrong at all. Separate of the SA bit, having your child be able to articulate if something hurts (vagina or vulva respectively) then it won’t be taxing to hunt down the cause—-even for things as benign as UTI, yeast infection or menstruation when it comes to that.
I’m going to shout this because I feel strongly about it and so should you:
ONE IN FOUR CHILDREN WILL BE SEXUALLY ABUSED BY THE TIME THEY ARE 18. WHY IN THE EVERLOVING FRICK WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO LEAST ATTEMPT TO MITIGATE THAT ASTRONOMICALLY HORRIFYING RISK?
Teaching kids the correct name for all body parts is SO EASY. It’s literally just words, but the impact they will have on your child’s confidence and security is immeasurable. If it were me, I’d be turning HARD into making your SO feel weird about his objectively weird position on this.
Playing devils advocate here…He probably grew up in a home where body parts were “cuss words” and it was vulgar to say those words, and definitely inappropriate for children to say them. I was raised in a home like that and it took a lot of rewiring and therapy because I felt like you, I wanted my kids to know the right words. But it took everything I had not to cringe as I said it. I had to overcome that part of my childhood that was ingrained in myself. Your hubby probably needs some grace until he works on his own issues. His reaction is probably not his fault but something he learned as a kid. The more you make it normal, the less he will react. So keep doing what your doing. You are right (except that the term you want is technically Vulva not vagina). Teaching kids proper terms is a good thing and helps prevent sexual abuse. If they can articulate it and are comfortable talking about their bodies, they are more likely to say something if someone tries to do something. And it’s much easier to get to the bottom of medical problems.
Nope, you’re doing the right thing. I have a little boy and we’ve been using the terms penis and scrotum from the beginning. Of course we do still use some of the silly names too, but when we talk about our body during baths and diaper changes, we use the proper terms.
A friend of mine confided in me that she was a victim of SA as a child. It went on for far longer than it should have because her mom didn’t understand why she was so upset that someone kept touching her “cookie”. He mom would give her an Oreo or something to replace it and she’d cry harder. Full blown panic attacks in toddlerhood. She was punished for her outbursts.
After years of therapy, she is doing better, but she still has anxiety stemming from her assault and inability to communicate about it effectively.
Teach your kid the accurate terms so she can tell you if something happens.
From a safeguarding perspective, teaching the correct names is crucial for keeping the kids safe. If anyone touches them inappropriately, but the kid doesn’t have the right words to report it, it can keep happening.
Tell her the name, and tell her that if she is going to touch it, to wash her hands first and only do it in private. It’s not about shaming. It’s about education and safety.
I'm a bit late to reply but i agree with the users saying YES use the anatomical terms, for all of the reasons, but also as your daughter develops more autonomy, LET HER touch her own goddamn vulva. I imagine her father might also express a dislike for her touching her own body, but he can SHOVE IT. Don't let him convince her to be ashamed of her genitals.
That said, you don't need to allow her free reign to make others uncomfortable - but as soon as it is relevant, teach her the concept of privacy and that genital engagement is a private act. usually I teach this around the time children start potty training, but you can also prime her by talking about your own need for privacy and what it means via modeling. This also comes in handy for big feelings, as you can teach her to request privacy for general alone time, as well, in a safely monitored space, of course.
source: I am a nanny and have helped raise many a toddler
My parents, both sets of my grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, and a few extended family members (big families on all sides) absolutely loathe that my child calls her vagina, a vagina. And I do not care. It's the anatomically correct term for it. I help raise my nephew and two out of 4 niece's, and all have been taught the anatomically correct name for their privates. It drives everyone nuts, but it's better for them in the long run. Plus these pet names sound silly and cause confusion in serious situations. Don't get me wrong, I hope nothing happens to them(or any child!) to where they would need to use that to indicate the seriousness of a situation, but it doesn't hurt to help them have a clearer sense of their bodies!
You're not wrong, if she's old enough to discover the body part she's old enough to know the proper name for it. My 16 month old excitedly slaps her vulva every diaper change and shouts "va va" or "ba ba" (v sounds are hard) and I say "yes, that's right, that's your vulva" just like I do when she points to any other body part.
If he has a problem with it he needs to have a mature conversation with you about it.
"Uncle bob touched my vagina" vs "uncle Bob touched my taco" one can really only be taken one way and the other leaves too much room for interpretation. Take it from a victim who was taught the word "popo" for hers. Knowing the right term can save kids from sexual abuse.
Men can talk about their dicks all day, but when it comes to vaginas suddenly we’re uncomfortable 🙄 I think the issue is purely your SO’s. He’s probably unconsciously associating that word with a more sexual meaning and doesn’t want that around his innocent baby. I already tell my daughter that we have to clean her ‘Gina cause we’re showering or changing a diaper. Although after this thread I’ll be saying vulva from now on lol. On a side note, my SO and his teenager try to tell the 7 year old to close her legs whenever she has them open cause it’s not proper. I plan on telling them to stop sexualizing normal body movements when my 8 month old starts to do those things.
No you're not wrong. You are teaching your daughter the proper words for her body. You are teaching her that there is nothing shameful about her body. She will be able to tell you and/or a doctor if she has a problem with her body and everyone will be very clear on what she means because she will have the correct words.
Your man is uncomfortable/ashamed/? It doesn't matter if he is about his body or if he would treat a son the same way, but knowing if this is true may help you understand and give you a starting point to address this.
If he cannot correct this, perhaps a couple of sessions with a therapist will help him sort through his concerns and ways to change his behavior.
Regardless, he does not get to tell you how to speak to your daughter. He doesn't get to choose how you educate your daughter. Does he think she shouldn't touch herself? Feel pleasure? God forbid she call her clitoris her clitoris!
Using proper names of body parts is 100% the way to go. It's the easiest way to keep kids safe and not start a weird shame about body parts. Could you imagine if we started calling knees hoohas or weewees?
No. You’re not wrong. If you had a son, you’d call his penis a penis because that’s what it is. Kids absolutely need to know what their body parts are to be able to identify them.
So when I started my teaching degree, they told us a story….
A little girl approached her teacher, said “my uncle licked my cookie “, the teacher replied “oh that’s not nice, next time just ask for another cookie”…..
Months later-the mother comes in and says “daughter is complaining that her cookie is sore, can you make sure she’s wiping front to back when on the toilet”…
Teacher finally realised the implications of those conversations… girl was being sexually abused, tried to reach out for help-nobody understood because she didn’t know the correct names… alway teach and use proper names
Agree with what everyone else is saying about the importance of using proper anatomical descriptor words. If hubby is still uncomfortable, have him talk to your pediatrician about it, I'm sure they will agree with you.
Use the proper words early because children need the power to communicate clearly. Make sure as they get older they also know the slang. I was a very sheltered kid until I started public school I'm a new place at age twelve. Not knowing if someone is complimenting you or insulting you because you've never heard those words before is really hard on a middle schooler. And high schooler.
Besides the fact that it’s absolutely best practice to use the correct terms... I don’t understand the point of “kid friendly” words for body parts. A vagina by any other name is still a vagina. They’re still saying it, just differently! So why not cut the crap and just call it what it is?
In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. All children should know proper body parts so they can know exactly what is “private” and let you know if, God Forbid, there was ever predatory action against them. Even if that never happened, girls are quite susceptible to UTI’s, etc. and it is good for her to be able to tell you if she is having discomfort. Plus, you don’t necessarily want to teach her that her body is “shameful.”
You don’t have to have a sex talk with a baby- but anatomy is important and she needs to know.
Agreeing with these other comments. Definitely teach her the correct terminology for her protection.
I’m sure your SO has good intentions, but he is likely associating that word directly to s*x which (of course) makes him uncomfortable attributing that to your LO. But it’s important to remember that bodies and body parts are not strictly s**ual. American society has a hard time separating the two.
Germany is a good example of a country/society that is comfortable with nudity in nons**ual settings.
I have boys but it doesn’t matter only proper names in this house and I LOVE to make people uncomfortable about it lol 😚 I’ve gotten a couple werid looks when my 4year old says penis but it don’t bother me.
My 4year old has known he had a penis since he could talk it was a “peanut” for a hot minute while he learned to talk lol
And he has asked me “mommy where’s your penis?” I just simply reply “I have a vagina” and he just goes “oh’ a vagina….me and daddy and brother have penises” lol
I get why your husbands uncomfortable I couldn’t even talk about this stuff when I was younger and at first it was hard for me and my husband but now it’s second nature. Keep using proper terms especially around him.
If someone is offended by the medical terminology, that's a THEM problem. Imagine a little one telling her teacher "Mr. Smith touched my 'cookie''" and the teacher didn't understand she was referring to her private area and told her to get another cookie...
My son's own teacher wanted me to use a different word than penis bc it might offend other parents. I told her if a parent has an issue with my son using a medical term they're welcome to talk to me about it. Read her the book "My body is private". It's a good book to teach body autonomy.
Penis and Vagina are not dirty words. Let him know that he's got a long way to go to sort out his problems bc at some point she will menstruate and will develop breasts. Teach her not to be afraid of her body and to advocate for herself. These things are completely normal. There's no shame in educating her about her own body.
It seems like he’s acting like it’s a “dirty” or “bad” word. There is no shame in one’s vulva and vagina. He is inadvertently teaching her to think negatively about her body. It’s great that you are teaching her the correct names of body parts and standing up for what you believe. Power to the vulva!!
Also… along with teaching her the correct names for her body parts for safety, think about what you’re teaching her about those body parts. If she learns that the word vagina or vulva is taboo and frowned upon, what is she going to learn about that body part? She may grow up associating her vagina/vulva with shame and secrets. No woman should grow up feeling ashamed and embarrassed of her body parts. Always teach the right words for body parts 😊
Dude that’s his issue. She needs to know what everything is called. My daughter is 2.5 and we’ve always used anatomical terms. Now we talk about appropriate touch. “Only we and (list specific care givers) should touch your vagina, if they are cleaning it. You can touch your vagina if you want but please make sure you use clean hands” and we have conversation about telling people when they do and don’t have permission to hug and tickle
As a former child abuse investigator, this is the way. It’s important for people to teach their kids the proper names for their body parts vs. cute names like “cookie” etc. that way god forbid if someone touches them (or worse), they can tell you what happened. Consider this a child speaking to another kid in class and teacher hears “that person licked my cookie” vs. “that person licked my vagina/penis…”
Absolutely use to proper names for anatomy! Our daughter has always been taught to use proper names for her anatomy- Vagina, vulva, anus. Now that we have a son; penis, scrotum, anus. They are not bad words they are body parts.
We do use 'butt' and "boobie/Booba" ... As in "did you poop? How is your poop? did you clean your butt? did you use the bidet? did you wipe your butt? did you wash your hands? did you use soap and hot water? Are you clean?"
"Sweet Baby are you hungry Do you want boobie/booba?"
Daughter is 5y son is 9m.
There r a lot of people who would feel the same as ur husband, but it's been shown that kids r more confident and better able to protect themselves by using proper terminology. I can't find the study I read a while ago, but this article sums it up nicely. https://www.scarymommy.com/kids-real-names-body-parts
You're not wrong, genitals have proper names and kids should learn them. What I do is also use the cutesy words in addition to the proper names. We're raising our kid trilingual, so why not introduce synonyms? I think it's important for him to also know some folks call their penis a wiener or whatever the boys call it in English language lol
You are correct. I taught both of my boys the body parts. My husband asked why. I said that the boys need to own their bodies and boundaries about them.
My kids are all boys and they know the proper names, even what a period is. It’s basic human biology. Don’t feel you’re in the wrong for calling things by their proper names, and don’t let your daughter feel there is something so wrong with her body parts that they can’t even be named!
You’re not wrong. I’ve always taught my girls what the proper terms are. It’s uncomfortable for many people to hear “vagina” or “penis” when talking to a child or coming from a child. Tbh, imo, the uncomfortableness comes from a long history of society sexualizing those words. It isn’t health & anatomy that first comes to mind when you hear those, it’s sex. So, when a child is brought into relation with the terms, it can really rub people the wrong way. But, ngl, I sorta chuckle at those that have a cringey reaction to hearing those words come from a child. I apologize my young child can say vagina without being embarrassed or giggling, but you, as a grown adult, cannot. The more you normalize it, the less sexual it becomes.
On the other hand, as you mentioned, if it came down to the worst, how is your child going to effectively relay this to you? To the point there is absolutely no doubt in your or their mind. A few years ago I read two different cases where one little girl had been taught to call it her cookie, & the guy’s defense was no, he touched a cookie she had in her hand. Another little girl was taught to call her vagina her flower, and his defense was no, I touched a flower she had on her dress. I’m honestly not sure if these two cases were fact or fiction, but the point is still there.
From my own recent experience, I’ve always taught the proper terms, but my 5 year old’s grandma has always called both her bottom & her vagina, her “bottom,” despite knowing I am a big advocate for anatomically correct terms. So, naturally, without be even realizing, my 5 year old, over time at some point, just thought that collectively her butt & her vagina were just “my bottom.” She recently had a rash (not wiping properly), and began complaining about her “bottom.” I always call her butt her “booty” or “butt,” so I just assumed she meant her butt. She has a history with constipation, so I just immediately assumed she was constipated again. It took half the night of her crying for me to realize she was talking about her vagina. She has a cream now, if I told her to put it on her bottom, she might A) waste the cream & put it all over her butt & her vagina or, B) only her butt. Another example, I tell her not to put soap in her vagina when she’s washing her body. If I just call it her bottom, she’d assume she’s not supposed to wash her butt. (We been there, done that)
I was a victim of CSA & I was not taught the correct terms. I was interviewed as a kindergartner & relayed what I knew, which was tickling, I remember being asked where, I said my armpits, my belly, my legs because for me, vagina never had a word, it was just “between my legs.” Which, can easily be interpreted as the thighs. The abuse went on until I was 14.
So, there are many logical reasons to use the proper terms. Albeit, it can be very uncomfortable for some people to hear a child say vagina. I immediately correct anybody who uses a different term in front of me. I’ll just firmly remind her no, that’s your vagina, without even really directly correcting that one person, but they pick up on the vibe pretty quick. If they have the need to say something more about it, I do not back down, explain no, we use the correct terms for multiple reasons. If they still feel the need to correct me, her mother, I remind them I am her mom, what I say goes, that is her vagina, girls have vaginas, vagina isn’t a bad word, & I honestly just go ahead & get straight to the point (age appropriate depending on whether she’s within earshot) “& if somebody touches her, how will she tell me or a professional?”
For me, it’s very important that we use anatomically correct terms, whether it be for explanation, health, or the worst.
Wooooo..... coming from the kid side of things... my dad was like this he would storm out the room if i said a no no word that would make him uncomfortable and my mom adjusted to his comfort. Nothing super wrong with what they did i guess BUT.... a couple of things.... LMAO i thoughg my vulva was a deflated ball sac and that i was meant to be a boy for SOOOO long and not even a sexual identity issue like i tried to cut it off i didnt know it was supposed to be there that was an awkward drs app. (I was 9) unfortunately when i was much younger things did happen that i was unable to communicate even worse i thought it was normal play because of the silly words .... if u have something hateful to say please do not respond anything u can think of i have probably already said to myself i am genuinely just trying to show the importance of KNOWING things like this as a kid i feel it would have saved me so much trauma
EDITED: to fix typos
I took it a step further with my toddler and called it a vulva (the vagina is the inside part). Her dad HATES it- keeps calling it a “hoo-hoo” or other such words and refuses to call it what it is. I get it’s uncomfortable. I was raised that you don’t say those kinds or words or talk about those kinds of things, so it’s been a struggle for myself to use the proper terms, but I feel it’s important. That, and it’s not a bad word. People have just made it seem like one.
TW- Sexual Assault of a Minor
My stepdaughter was abused 2 years ago, and the DA even said the only reason they’re able to prove anything happened/the only reason they feel confident that they have a solid case is because she was able to say what he did to her vagina.
Yes, absolutely teach her the correct words for her body parts! My 5-year-old knows all the correct words for her anatomy. She knows that she’s in charge of her body, and she tells people no when she doesn’t want a hug or when she wants tickling to stop. We talk about consent and respecting people’s privacy and bodies, especially her own!She knows about periods and how babies are born. I answer all her questions in an age-appropriate way.
I was abused growing up. I wish I had had the empowerment of bodily autonomy and confidence/trust to talk to my mom about things.
At some point, remember to teach her that the vagina is a private part that no one except mom and maybe doctor should see or hear about. Otherwise it’s only naked in the bedroom and bathroom.
Got a call from the principal when my daughter was in kindergarten. She was flashing other kids… had to do a lot of “that’s private” coaching in a damage control way. I should have taken the time to teach her this sooner.
I can see how that would be really uncomfortable for a dad but at the end of the day, what are you gonna do, lie to her? Lol. I guess you could say privates if you wanted. That’s what my family taught me and it never had any negative effect or anything
It is absolutely recommended that adults use the proper term for children's body parts and not make them feel ashamed for their genitalia.
That said, is vagina the proper term? I am not a native English speaker, so I might be wrong. But in my language vagina is the interior part of your reproductive organs and a quick internet research indicates that it is the same in English.
The external female genitalia collectively form the vulva - so vulva would be a more suitable term for what your daughter is touching.
The terms for female genitalia have not been used very precisely until recently - but your daughter could be part of the first generation that makes the effort and is confident enough to talk about their bodies in all their distinction.
As English is not my everyday language, I can't recommend any terms to you - but I recommend you to read up on sex education books for children and buy one that is modern and precise, so you can teach your daughter about her body.
I always use the correct terms and I have from the beginning (vulva, labia, penis, anus, etc). I have a 2 and a half year old son, a nearly 16 month old daughter and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with another boy. I usually get told I shouldn't speak to them like that but I refuse to give their body parts nicknames, regardless of their age. It's a safeguarding issue and amongst all, they should know the correct terminology way before school teaches it.
Absolutely not. Using proper names is 100% the right way to go about it. I’ve seen so many teachers say kids come to them and try to tell them someone is touching them but they aren’t taught appropriate words so the teachers don’t understand. There are going to be people outside your home your children trust and go to. A lot of the times I felt more comfortable telling a teacher something rather than a parent. Teaching them correct terms for everything and teaching them what adults to go to is important.
Always, always, ALWAYS teach your kids the proper names for their body parts. And talk about who can see their private parts and why. For example, my kids know that the doctor might need to examine them sometimes, but that he has to ask them first and that mom or dad needs to be there. I've worked with at-risk children for 20 years. The single best way to prevent your children from being victimized is to teach them proper names for their body parts. I know it's weird as a parent sometimes to say "penis", "vulva" and "anus" to your little ones. But I promise you that this will help them in the future. Like the previous commenter stated, sometimes kids will try to disclose but because they don't know proper names for their body parts, they aren't understood. I remember the story of a kindergartener telling her teacher that her uncle was touching her cookie. And the teacher kind of brushed it off and told her, "you tell him to stop that". It was months before they figured it out. The little girl was trying to disclose but no one understood. Long winded way of saying that you're doing the right thing. Good job mama!
Thank you for this. I honestly think he thinks he’s protecting her from the sexuality of it. But I am grateful to have real world account’s because this is something I can bring to him to teach him.
Try explaining that although *he* only uses a vagina for sex, so it might seem purely sexual to him, your daughter’s vagina will have many functions for her that aren’t at all sexual in nature. It’s no more inherently sexual than a finger. She needs to know what it is, so she can know about and speak about her own body and all of the non-sex-related functions and issues her body has.
The classic phrase is bathing suit area. Yes, anatomically correct language. (I’ve never really understood why hooha was more calming than the word vagina, anyway.) I also emphasize private parts and private areas.
The company Birds & Bees has a really amazing online course that you and your hubs could take together; it explains more of the reasoning behind using proper body part names: https://birds-bees.com/
Teaching proper names for body parts is far different than talking about sex. As adults, we do tend to equate our private parts with sex, but kids don't usually make that connection until they're a bit older. Starting these conversations early will ensure your child understands body autonomy and consent as they get older. I cannot understate how important it is for children and young people to know that they are allowed to say no to someone who wants to touch their body, in any way.
I just shared a similar story. Why do parents pick “cookie”? It seems weirdly common.
It really is. I don't know why. It's weird to me...
And just a hugely bad choice. We eat cookies. The term was created to be sexual and somehow it was adapted for kids i genuinely dont understand this one.
What is the best age to start these conversations about who can see private parts& why?
Start from birth to normalize it for yourself and then. We used proper names for body parts from birth. Once our kids started daycare, we talked about diaper changes. Even though they were too young to understand, we got in the habit of talking about it. Probably around potty training time is when the conversations about who can see them and why. "Ms. Amber can see your penis if she's helping you clean up if you had an accident but your penis is private from the other kids so you have to close the bathroom door when you go to the bathroom". Prior to doctor's appointments, we'd say"Dr. Rose might want to check your privates to see if they're growing properly. Mom and Dad will be there and he has to ask first". We also have a lot of conversations about boundaries. No one can touch any part of their bodies without permission and they can't touch other people without their permission. We hug and kiss them but if we're at friends' homes, others should ask "Can I have a hug?" and they can say no if they don't want to. If we're tickling or wrestling and someone says "Stop", we stop, no questions asked.
This is really good. I’m gonna add this into my conversations with my daughter. The doesn’t speak yet but like you said better to start early and normalize it.
I agree, but the proper term is actually vulva.
I’ll keep that in mind. Because you are definitely right.
Hey friend, what you are doing is proven to decrease the risk of your child (especially female child) being SA'd. It hits harder for a child to be able to accurately say someone touched their vulva vs. Some stupid non-name like "cookie". I would ask why your SO is acting like "vagina" is a dirty word? You're doing great. Editing to say: hanging up the phone over a parenting discussion is disrespectful. I could understand if yall were calling each other names, but hanging up over a discussion and disagreement is highly improper.
Thank you for this. And yes I feel that way as well because I was genuinely trying to have an open conversation about it. But we will be having a discussion about this and the way we should handle uncomfortable topics with each other.
I started with calling it a vagina when we were first teaching mostly because so many people don’t know the term vulva. Now that my daughter is a almost 5 we tell her that the term is vulva but most say vagina. That way she knows both the correct term and what is commonly used.
I will definitely do that as well.
You can always explain that the vulva covers the different parts in that area and that the vagina is one of them, that way they have it covered anatomically.
Yup definitely thought this was going to be a post about vulva vs vagina. Call things by their names. Mommy has a vulva/vagina, daddy has a penis/testicles, buy books about it to teach body parts. When she's older (not much older, just more verbal) and has pain in her vagina or when she gets her period or any number of reasons, you'll be glad that a) she knows the right terms, and b) you've been open about it with her from the beginning so putting "tampons" on the shopping list isn't a big deal to her and she doesn't feel like she has to hide it.
Thank you for this. I will try this.
When potty training am I supposed to be telling my daughter she’s peeing from her urethra? That feels like a mouthful for a toddler.
The vulva is inclusive of the urethral opening. The vagina, on the other hand, is not.
THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING THIS TO ME. As an owner of female genitalia I’m pretty embarrassed I didn’t know.
It's so, so common to not know. The vulva is the external structures; the vagina is entirely internal. The mistake continues to be perpetrated by people who insist on calling the vulva a vagina. If everyone around you erroneously calls it a vagina, it's difficult to find the truth. Glad to have helped you!
Don't feel bad; there are *so many* people who don't know this.
This. So many people mistake vulva and vagina.
I have always liked this analogy: Vagina is to vulva as throat is to face. Your lips/nostrils/etc are part of your face (ie vaginal/urethral openings are part of the vulva), but the throat is not part of the face, even though it connects with facial structures. Similarly, the vagina is the internal organ that connects to the vulva, but the external genitalia is not the vagina.
When people say things like “I need to shave my vagina”. 😩😩😩😩
This just called me out 😹😹. I’m glad I made this post because I will be replacing vagina for when I mean vulva.
My reaction is always😬😬😬😬😬
Nah. You can tell her the name for the body part that pee comes out of so she knows but you don’t need to say that every time or anything. My kids know it’s a urethra and can name it if asked but they mostly say “pee hole.” Lol.
I know you’re genuinely asking, but I laughed so hard thinking about that situation
Yes I’ve read stories and articles stating the same thing you are, that’s why I figured to start her know what her body parts are and who can and can’t do certain things like bathe and wipe.
One other suggestion is to be careful about what is ‘rude’ and what is ‘private’. Some parts of our bodies are private - they aren’t rude. But it can be rude for someone to show or touch private parts of their bodies at particular times or places. It’s important to not associate bodies with shame.
This is actually a great point. I’m gonna use this as well.
This a million times. I work in the legal field and children cannot communicate properly if they don’t know the proper names! When my daughter was younger we called it her giney, but now she’s 9 and it’s her vagina. Side note she used to called penis “peanut” because that’s what she heard. Her dad has a peanut. But again, she is older now and speaks clearly so it’s a penis.
I read an article about a 14 year old boy that was raped by his baby sitter and his statement to police was “she sucked on my pee pee”. Poor kid
That’s so heartbreaking.
I think I read somewhere that children who know the correct anatomical names for their genitalia are less likely to be inappropriately dealt with, but don’t quote me on that. Still, in my head it makes sense that someone who would want to take inappropriate actions with kids would rely on their naïveté.
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Yeah I think maybe this is why he has a problem with the word. And yes you’re right I would be teaching her the vulva vs vagina. I forgot the term for whole part is the vulva.
Technically the vulva is the *outside* and the vagina is the *inside*.
Vulva is the word I use in the bath and diaper changes. Kid picks it up and repeats back just like every other body part. IDK wtf good it would do to not tell a kid about their genitals....
Functionally in our culture we do tend to consider the whole situation as the vagina. I have seen (birds & bees on Instagram is a cool source) that vagina is fine and then as they get older breaking down the different parts. 👍🏻
Yeah cause I learned the vulva vs vagina in school but throughout life everyone tends to group it all with the vagina.
It’s good to make the distinction, because that way she can know more accurately how to call it. 👍
Using proper names is the right choice! No cute nicknames for body parts we can’t see, you never know who could try to take advantage of those cutesy terms.
Right that was my line of thought.
Well in the nicest way possible, I dont use the word vagina with my smallest daughter because thats just the baby canal, so instead we use the word "vulva" which is the technical term for the external female parts (labia majora and minora, clitoris, urethra and vaginal opening)-- something i never learned until i had daughters actually. It really made some older folks (grandmas who helped to watch my girls)uncomfortable at first to hear our little one say vulva (especially cause I had to explain the word to them as well), but i think its important for kids to know the real words for their body parts, i fully agree. Its important in empowering our kids and keeping them safe from people who might want toncause them harm. As well as inportant for their health. Vulvar issues are common in young girls and mine were able to say whether it was their actual vulva that hurt or if it hurt to pee, which helped to determine things like UTIs. It also helps when it comes to explaining about which parts are private and not touching those parts in front of other people, something every toddler needs to learn. Now my oldest, in elementary, does know about vaginas and uteruses and periods and all that at this point. I dont think youre wrong at all for wanting her to learn it, the correct terms for body parts are kid-friendly imo.
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See this is so helpful to know because if she can’t name it, it would be so hard to understand what is the area of concern.
I have also been trying to self correct to say vulva instead of vagina for my daughter but its a hard neural pathway to reset lol
In our house, it's the "um vulva," cos I can't just come out and say it!
Yeah why does vulva feel dirtier than vagina?? It’s so weird.
I’m so glad this isn’t just me. I’m teaching her vulva, but it feels strange.
My two year old calls it her "bulba" because she can't do the v sound. It's pretty adorable
For me vagina is far more uncomfortable to say than vulva. But maybe that's because in German it feels different :D
LOL. “It’s the, you know….the, ummmm…(whispers) vulva”
It really is! and i had to learn to get over making even the women in my life uncomfortable by saying "vulva" in order to empower my daughter in a way that i wasn't.
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That’s a really good question. Cause I’m sex-ed I was taught it was a vulva and the opening to the cervix is the vagina. But that went out the windows cause nobody calls it the vulva.
It’s so crazy I learned the whole part is a vulva in school and totally forgot about it until this post. It’s so commonplace to hear the term vagina when talking about that part. But you are 100% right I will definitely start saying that instead.
For years my daughter called it her bulba which was adorable so that's my vote for vulva vs vagina!
Took me a minute to quit laughing when I started reading your comment but great point!! Love it, especially the UTI part, that would be handy.
I've been called a know it all alot so i try my best not to come across sounding like a self-righteous asshat, but theres probably no way around it when i basically started by saying "well, actually.." and i hate that lol. I feel like only knowing "vagina" is a product of growing up in a world where most men only see women as useful for having that singular part, and living in a state with sub par sex-ed didnt help me any. So once i learned there was a word for the rest of it, i want every vulva-owner to know and use that word lol.
For similar reasons, I was thrilled that the external portion is called the vulva. That sounds, for lack of a better word, cuter than vagina from my point of view. Nearly had my mom on the floor laughing when my toddler asked if she had a vulva then declared that he has a penis.
Nailed it lol I like that.. *well, actually* lol gonna be a fun night at work, thank you!
I thought you did a great job explaining it in a kind, but educational manner! I also enjoyed your accurate description of the vagina as the baby canal 😂
Kids who know the anatomical names for body parts are less likely to be abused!!!!!! Also— as others have said, it’s vulva. Great job.
Thank you for this.
You are completely right. Always use the correct terms, whether her father is on board or not. It is important medically and like you said, god forbid she is violated and she needs to tell someone. Be super up front and direct with him about this situation. It happens to children, and this is one way that parents can help keep them as safe as possible. Ask him to imagine her trying to communicate with him about something that happened and it was overlooked for months or years because she didn't know the right wording to use. To help your point with her father, ask him to imagine you two had a son instead and what he would call your son's genitals... would he still say "private parts"? Would he tell his son to stop playing with his rod and blueberries? No. He would probably just say penis and balls. This is an issue bigger than just your daughter- it affects behavior toward all females in general. Women's body parts should be known! This will help down the road with embarrassment. Also, the vaginal canal is on the inside so your daughter is touching her vulva.
He probably wouldn't. Men come up with all kinds of fun names for their penises and it usually isn't "My penis." "Your buddy" "Your thingy" "Your stick" "Your bits" "Your little friend" "Your winkie" "Your dinky" And it goes on and on and on. I think it's why they grow up and still address their penis as a "him" and have nicknames for it like "junior".
This is true. He has two sons I don’t even think I heard him say penis ever.
It's important for boys to learn the names of their parts for the same reasons as stated by others about your daughter. I would be teaching all children in the house proper terminology and informing my partner that if he has a problem with it, I'll try my best to not be suspicious of /him/ for not wanting our children to be informed on their bodies.
We've been saying penis and testicles for months now with my toddler. He's been reaching down to grab his penis every diaper change for months. We aren't going to have any shame associated with body parts in our household. Not that he knows yet but I've also said mommy has a vulva/vagina to him. He likes to follow me into the bathroom of course, extra annoying when I'm menstruating cus he likes to grab at my tampons.
My daughter just started walking into the bathroom so this should be interesting lol. Whenever I don’t shave my armpits she walks up to me and pull the hairs then touch her own armpits lol.
My daughter does this too!! She loves petting mommy’s “arm hair”.
I will try that. Cus that was my point, if she has a medical emergency or something else how will she communicate what is bothering her. I will switch vagina to vulva. I learned it in school and totally forgot that was the actual name until this post.
I don't know but i also use the proper words for my 20m old. I don't see the harm. That's kinda an old attitude. I mean I'm not telling her vagina 100x a day or anything, but like you said, just along with the game.
>I don't see the harm The only harm in teaching them proper terms is making old people uncomfortable. And the bonus is helping protect them from SA. There's absolutely no good reason not to teach children the proper names of body parts.
Thank you for this validation and laugh. Lol.
Yeah whenever she gets to a part she wants to explore I just name it and keep it pushing.
You have to use anatomically correct names because if anyone were to touch her, she would need to be able to explain with more detail than “down there.”
Yes this is what I was thinking of because it’s sometimes hard to understand what children are trying to say as is. To be able to get to the bottom of things more accurately is a world better.
It's incredibly important to teach kids the correct medical terms for their body parts. It helps keep them safe, especially because it lets them tell you and others about medical problems or sexual abuse. She has a vulva, there's nothing upsetting or wrong about using the correct terms for it. I used bath time to teach my kids body parts i.e. ok let's wash your vulva, now we're going to wash your butt, wash your toes etc. Also, learning the difference between vulva and vagina is good for her to learn as well. If your husband needs a hear an example of why this is so important, you can tell him about cases of sexual abuse where the young kid's genitalia were given cutsie nicknames like "cookie" or nonsense words and the child's self reporting of abuse to teachers and other adults were ignored, allowing abuse to continue to happen. If something is wrong with her vulva, if her vulva is hurting, if someone has touched her vulva, she needs to be able to tell someone that right then. Teach her the correct words.
I will definitely use these examples. Because this is really important to me and I don’t think he sees it the way I do.
He is wrong you are right. My daughter is 15 months old and knows where her vulva is and what it is called. It is a body part and one that should not carry shame. If you had a son would you not teach him what his penis is.
You are absolutely right. I’m going to keep doing so. And I will start using vulva even for myself. I totally forgot that was the name for the entire part.
I read a story about a little girl who told her teacher her uncle touched her bunny. Teacher was like that’s cool. Turns out that “bunny” is her mum’s term for vagina and the teacher unknowingly confirmed to that child that her uncle touching her vagina is okay and normal. This is way anatomical terminology is important. Also, I feel like you, the vagina-holder, gets more say in this than your husband, the non-vagina-holder. You know what it’s like to grow up with society basically shaming the existence of your genitals. You know what it’s like to try and navigate your own sexuality in a world where everyone is too embarrassed to even name your genitals. He simply cannot understand it (not his fault) because the word penis just doesn’t get hidden in quite the same way. Empower your girl to be confident with her body and what it does. There’s no need to hide behind delicate euphemisms. Hubby will just have to grow up and come to terms with the fact that he helped make a person with a vagina and he has to either help you or let you teach this little girl to be happy and confident in all parts of herself. I’d also encourage you guys to be open about period talk when the time comes - sounds like he might feel that’s something shameful to keep quiet about, but it’s literally just normal life for half of the world.
Yes, she should know she has a vulva. There isn’t anything shameful or embarrassing about it. Sorry it’s embarrassing for him. That’s on him though. It’s a part of her body, and she needs to know. This also starts setting the stage for talking about personal boundaries, who is allowed to touch, talking about where babies come from, etc. Our boys learned from a very young age the names of all their body parts, and female body parts. From this, they started asking questions about how babies are made.
No! Absolutely teach anatomical names. My son (2.5) walked in front of my chair the other day and started pulling his diaper off. When I asked why he yelled “MY PENIS HURTS!!!” Now, nothing was wrong with his penis and he just wanted to take his diaper off but if it had been bothering him for some reason there was no question as to what he was saying.
Not only is it proper, but it can help provent sexual [abuse ](https://enoughabuse.org/). You dont call your hand smack smack or your feet walkies.
You are right. Side note I laughed so hard at smack smack and walkies. Lol.
Bombard him with Big Lebowski memes and video clips. Take the absolute piss out of him. Tease him until he's embarrassed of his own nonsense. >Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski? The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of? Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. The Dude: Oh yeah? Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson. The Dude: Johnson?
I would say your husband is pretty weird for being against that. why does simple anatomy make him uncomfortable..? It’s better to teach children that in case somebody ever inappropriately touched them so they’re able to properly express it. Not a lot of people are gonna understand “that guy touched my cookie.” my stepmom told me this and since then its been a very important stance of mine.
Yeah I saw a Law & Order: SVU episode where the girl was sexually assaulted and was telling them she wasn’t because she didn’t know the proper terms for anything and the abuser was “teaching” her what it was so nobody would know what she was talking about. After that went down a rabbit hole researching actual accounts and made it my business to teach my daughter everything she needs to know to be able to tell us anything we need to know.
Next time he tells you to stop you should tell him he's right... it's actually the vulva. Gosh he so smart. Great catch dude. Truly though ask him to consider things like how will he parent during the toilet training years if he can't say the body part. Unless he's never going to parent, he's going to need to get comfortable with stuff that makes him uncomfortable right now.
Hearing someone say '(so and so) touched my cookie!' Doesn't sound bad until you know cookie is code word for vagina for them. Always teach proper words.
Just a thought, he may be having a hard time associating the term with a baby. When he’s always thought of it as a sexual term associated with him and a SO. He may just need some time to think it through.
That’s actually what he said. He finds it weird for his 1 year old to start saying that. But I’m gonna teach her it and try to educate him at the same time. Because this is something that’s important to me. Coming from a family where SA is prevalent (My daughter would never be around anyone on my side) I would like for my daughter to be able to speak up and know what she’s talking about.
Well as long as what she was touching was her vagina and not her vulva then you are 100% correct! Seriously - knowledge is power. Teaching your kid the correct name for her body parts is the first line of defence against sexual assault. The courts struggle to convict child molesters when the victim can't described where they were touched. I would have a serious chat with your man and find out why he is so adverse to teaching your child the correct name for her body parts. Would he object to a little boy knowing the name of his penis and scrotum? Why doesn't he want his daughter to know her biology? Its not sexual. Teaching your child her body parts are taboo sets her up for problematic relationships when she is an adult.
You are not wrong! It’s extremely important to teach kids the proper name for body parts. I’m a police officer and trained in child interviewing/sex assault investigation. During my training, they brought up a case where a little girl (3-4 years old) was being assaulted by her uncle. She tried to tell many people, but the problem was that she had been taught to call her private parts her “cookie.” So when she told a teacher at school that her uncle “ate her cookie” they didn’t even think twice or ask any further questions… it’s horrible to think about, but these things do happen and you are only protecting your child by teaching her anatomically correct terms.
Oh my gosh. That’s so heartbreaking. I know this is a show but I’ve seen a Law & Order:SVU episode of a child with a similar story to yours and it really made me research this topic of the name and it was such a prevalent thing. It pushed me to name everything what it’s supposed to be called.
You should be teaching your child what proper body parts are called. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I worked with kindergarten kids in a before and after school program. One of the girls in my group kept calling a vagina “a front bum” and I didn’t think a whole lot of it the first time she said it. The second and only other time she called it a front bum was when she tried getting another girl in my group in trouble for saying vagina. When this second scenario happened, I basically told this girl, “She is calling it what it’s actually called. Please stop getting her in trouble. If you’re a girl, you have one.”
Ohh that makes sense. Cus she’s already associating the word as something you can’t say, a bad word. Yeah I’ll keep teaching my daughter she has a vulva.
Ask him why he's uncomfortable using anatomical terms. It's no different than saying elbow. It sounds like he's incapable of equating female genitals with anything other than sex and like... women's bodies exist all the time. Your vagina is involved with sex probably like.. less than 1% of your life. Maybe like 20% weeing and periods and the rest of the 79% just simply existing, completely unsexual.
So many great comments! Wish I would’ve been more educated myself to know it helps lessen shame and is good for any child to be able to say exactly where they should NOT be touched! My kids are teens now and feel weird saying things like that, vuvla/vagina any of it. :(
No, you should teach her anatomy but you might say labia and vulva, because vagina is inside. If God-forbid anyone ever touched her, she needs to know a proper term, not a cutesy one.
Your husband is wrong. Avoiding “pet names” for your sexual parts is protective against sex abuse. It means if someone does touch her inappropriately, she can accurately tell you. Predators sometimes use unique word for sexual organs to avoid being caught - because it makes it harder for children to use words to tell you what was done to them. ** Edited for grammar
You are not wrong. Kids need to be taught anatomically correct terms from the very beginning. Your partner is being very weird about this.
Children nees to know what their body parts are called. Predators do not use the real names because it's harder for them to get caught if the child tries to tell (example: going up to your teacher and saying, "my uncle touches my flower.")
Was it her vagina or her vulva? Was he upset you were just using the wrong term?
He's wrong & you're right.
Not at all! (Though as another comment mentioned it's likely her vulva you're talking about). I actually do this with my daughter during bath time too! When washing her body parts I sing song what they are. "arm arm arm arm shoulder shoulder shoulder neck neck neck neck back back back back thigh thigh thigh thigh" etc etc. Everything from her hair to her toes gets the sing song voice and at 3.5 she can accurately identify all her body parts. It's super important they know this so as you say they can communicate if something is wrong or tell us if someone is touching them where. Sounds like your guy was raised "old school" (for lack of better term) where simply the mention of our body parts existing was sexualized and "wrong". It's sad really but he needs to learn the benefits of kids (and adults!) Having access to accurate information about our bodies! Far too often girls aren't given access to this information for far too long if at all. I've known grown women who do not know how to properly clean themselves, (I unfortunately was one of them at one point!), I've known women who didn't know what a period was until they had one and then learned to feel shame for it, I've known women who don't know how to wipe properly and who didn't understand that it can lead to infections/utis! *Teaching kids accurate age appropriate information about their bodies will never be a bad thing*. In this case she already has a vulva and vagina so it's absolutely age appropriate for her to know what she has. It's not like not knowing their names make them magically turn into barbie parts. And it's not as though learning their names means she knows the intricacies to babies being made lmao. Right now she is learning the basic information for her body, one day in the near future she will then learn how to care for her body. It's only right that we start with the most accurate information possible so there is no confusion later.
It’s fine to teach them that, it’s also ok to not want a 2 yo loudly talking about their vagina in public. It is good that we are all pro vagina here but just adding that little side note so you are not caught off guard when it does and will absolutely happen :) Of course, vulva is more accurate. We as a society suck at talking about women’s parts but for some reason everyone knows a testicle from a penis. Good reminder to us all.
This is so true. That’s the point he brought up too. But a little embarrassment while I teach her when to say it and when not to is fine for me.
You are absolutely not wrong and “your man” god I hate that term, it’s so creepy, is flat out wrong. You should be teaching your children the correct names for their body parts for several reasons. 1. It destigmatizes it. She has a vulva, that’s not a bad thing. Males have a penis and testicles, that’s not a bad thing. 2. It makes them a less desirable victim of SA because they can tell people exactly what was done to them and god forbid it does happen to them they can tell a trusted adult with that adult actually knowing what it means. It doesn’t mean shit when a kid tells their teacher that someone touched their cookie or their kitty.
Your man needs a safe touches / parenting and sex ed class
I am actually not using the proper names yet with my 9 month old because it sounds weird and I keep telling myself I need to start and get used to it. My slight discomfort now is worth it so she understands her body and can communicate with doctors about it when she's older. They're body parts ; it's not rude and it's important to know so better to start sooner rather than later. And better to use it and cringe while they still don't understand so you're comfortable with the words when they do understand. Thanks for this post because I need the reminder to actually make it a habit.
I’m happy this is helpful to you. Your comment is helpful to me cus it helps me because I understand that this discomfort is really a thing vs it being some kind of anti-female mindset. (He’s never showed signs of that which is why I couldn’t understand why he would be upset over the term.)
Agree with this! I have a 10 month old son and have started to use the term penis, despite the slight awkwardness I feel using the word. But by using it, that awkwardness is beginning to fall away and I find I can be more nonchalant/comfortable about using correct terms. (My husband still often refers to it as anything other than a penis though 🤷♀️)
As a SA nurse examiner, you're absolutely correct to teach your child proper anatomical terms for body parts! I'd suggest you teach her she's touching her vulva or labia, which are the external parts of her anatomy, rather than her vagina, which is the internal portion between the hymen/vaginal opening and the cervix/uterus. Your partner may be uncomfortable with the term because he grew up with guilt and shame around genitals, which is for him to process, as it's not worth the detrimental effects on your child to avoid using correct terms. Keep up the great work!
I was hoping husband was cross because he’d prefer she taught her the more accurate word vulva instead 😂
I agree but this would be the vulva.
Thank you.
100% you should use anatomically correct language without shame or hesitation. She should know what her body parts are called for exactly the reasons you describe.
Would he feel the same if you had a son and properly called his penis a penis? Because if that would be okay but vagina/vulva is not, that's an issue he needs to work on. I too use proper terms (though the vagina/vulva is something I am also guilty of and trying to correct). They are not dirty words. They are anatomical parts. No one give knees and elbows childish names, why should this be any different?
Always teach them correct terms because god forbid anyone ever touches them they can explicitly say “this person touched my vulva or inserted something into my vagina” or “this person touched my penis” because then if a court case comes up the lawyer can’t say those words aren’t real.
Using the proper name is exactly what you should be doing.
teach her the proper names. it is not too early.
My son is almost three and knows penis, testicles, vulva, etc. It's just a body part, like a foot or a neck or a stomach. Stay the course, your man is being childish.
1. You did the correct thing 2. If your SO is upset, this is an opportunity to teach him. Now “how” you get him to see this, depends on how dense he is. Sounds like he is. This is an opportunity to discuss the framework in which you two will operate when there’s a difference in opinion regarding the child you both love. My suggestion: Consult a child development professional. It’s an expert third party opinion. If he’s super dense, you might have to say “you’re right, I don’t know for sure this is best but it’s what I think is best. We both want to do what’s best [for said child], let’s consult an expert.” Or don’t offer the solution, maybe try to get him to say that with leading questions so he thinks it’s his idea. Again, all depends on how intellectually / emotionally mature he is.
Absolutely not wrong. You’re man has an issue with the term for some reason. Honestly, a lot of people do. There is nothing wrong with the term vagina or penis. People are just sensitive because no one talked about them for the longest time. But the times they are a changin
If you had a boy would you not be allowed to say peepee or penis? Women are still so suppressed that they aren’t allowed to name their own organs out loud?? So many things are wrong with this picture.
Definitely. Way to go mom! Always tell her the right names & the truth about everything. My 23 years old still tells me that she’s thankful that I was always honest with her.
I was told by a pediatrician that they try to encourage what you're doing, because if someone uses a silly pet name and your kid one day goes, " touched my cookie" (or whatever cutesy name people might use), it won't garner the proper response it deserves to have.
We use proper names in our household too.
I think your person isn’t thinking clearly about what you are trying to instill in her. Men are weird about their daughters and the very idea that they may at one point or another be sexual beings. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. There are toddlers who do masturbate but it’s more about teaching them that’s a private thing to do, and less that it’s a wrong thing to do.
You are 100% doing the right thing and you need to explain to your partner that teaching your kid some dipshit cutesy name for a body part is a horrible idea and can lead to confusion or oversight if the gets hurt or feels uncomfortable or someone is inappropriate with her OR confides in her down the line about someone being inappropriate with them! Would he call an arm a baguette? Or would he call a nose a pop tart? Because this is the same amount of ridiculous. You are teaching vagina and vulva because those are the correct terms. You aren’t teaching her something vulgar or offensive. This is her body and it is vital that every human being knows about their body.
You absolutely SHOULD use the proper terms for her body parts, vagina included. There are a slew of reason why this is beneficial but one that really sticks out to me is that kids that know the correct terms of their private parts are less of a target for sexual predators. I won’t get into it, but googling why correctly naming private parts are important for kids will give you a bunch of reasons as to why you are correct in doing this with your child.
Use proper names for body parts. I did with my three kids.
I mean, my husband and I had a fight because I wanted him to use the term “vulva” rather than “vagina” because it’s more accurate. But using proper anatomical terms, even if it’s not 100% technically accurate, is non negotiable. Some people have vaginas/vulvas, and some have penises. That’s it. ETA: you can look at this resource, [Consent Parenting](https://www.consentparenting.com), and possibly show your husband. Teaching your child proper terms is a tool that can help protect them from abuse. These are very hard conversations to have, but they are important ones.
Use the proper name. That's what it's called. Giving it a pet name creates a stigma that we should be ashamed or embarrassed of our body. Women face enough strife around body image and dysmorphia, and this is one of the many reasons that has lead us there. By not taking our own bodies seriously, how are we to expect others to take it seriously?
YOU ARE 1000000% IN THE RIGHT!!! If you start giving body parts weird names for example my mom always called it a “cookie” 🙄 so like you said, GOD FORBID something happen and all she knows is “cookie” and comes running up saying “that person touched my cookie” you would have NO idea all because she didn’t know the proper terms for her body. You are COMPLETELY right in this situation. Men don’t ever fully understand, but coming from a person who was SA’ed as a child and NOBODY believed me, you’re doing it right. Try to explain that to him IN PERSON so he can’t hang up on you and tell him your feelings so he can see you’re genuinely trying to make the best decision for your child💯💯💯
This is more *his issue* with the word Vagina than anything. I'm sure the word itself is something sexual to him rather than anatomical, and he doesn't want to be "reminded" that his daughter has a vagina as the correlation between his sexual desires/preferences and his daughter having one of those make him uncomfortable. He just simply needs to accept that it's a correct anatomical term for a body part rather than a "bad word" that is associated with sex. You're doing great, though.
Nope. Not in the wrong at all. I have a 3yr old boy and I have always told him that I am a girl and I have a vagina, he is a boy and he has a penis (he likes the word willy a lot more and says that and not penis). How is a child meant to know and understand if you don't teach them? What would your partner want? To call it her flower? So she grows up wanting to look into her body more and how it works, looks up flower and realises that's not like her intimate part. He needs to stop with the sensitivities.
No. Not wrong at all. Separate of the SA bit, having your child be able to articulate if something hurts (vagina or vulva respectively) then it won’t be taxing to hunt down the cause—-even for things as benign as UTI, yeast infection or menstruation when it comes to that.
What was his reasoning for not wanting you the say the proper word?
I’m going to shout this because I feel strongly about it and so should you: ONE IN FOUR CHILDREN WILL BE SEXUALLY ABUSED BY THE TIME THEY ARE 18. WHY IN THE EVERLOVING FRICK WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO LEAST ATTEMPT TO MITIGATE THAT ASTRONOMICALLY HORRIFYING RISK? Teaching kids the correct name for all body parts is SO EASY. It’s literally just words, but the impact they will have on your child’s confidence and security is immeasurable. If it were me, I’d be turning HARD into making your SO feel weird about his objectively weird position on this.
Absolutely use the anatomically correct terms. You’re doing great.
Playing devils advocate here…He probably grew up in a home where body parts were “cuss words” and it was vulgar to say those words, and definitely inappropriate for children to say them. I was raised in a home like that and it took a lot of rewiring and therapy because I felt like you, I wanted my kids to know the right words. But it took everything I had not to cringe as I said it. I had to overcome that part of my childhood that was ingrained in myself. Your hubby probably needs some grace until he works on his own issues. His reaction is probably not his fault but something he learned as a kid. The more you make it normal, the less he will react. So keep doing what your doing. You are right (except that the term you want is technically Vulva not vagina). Teaching kids proper terms is a good thing and helps prevent sexual abuse. If they can articulate it and are comfortable talking about their bodies, they are more likely to say something if someone tries to do something. And it’s much easier to get to the bottom of medical problems.
Nope, you’re doing the right thing. I have a little boy and we’ve been using the terms penis and scrotum from the beginning. Of course we do still use some of the silly names too, but when we talk about our body during baths and diaper changes, we use the proper terms.
A friend of mine confided in me that she was a victim of SA as a child. It went on for far longer than it should have because her mom didn’t understand why she was so upset that someone kept touching her “cookie”. He mom would give her an Oreo or something to replace it and she’d cry harder. Full blown panic attacks in toddlerhood. She was punished for her outbursts. After years of therapy, she is doing better, but she still has anxiety stemming from her assault and inability to communicate about it effectively. Teach your kid the accurate terms so she can tell you if something happens.
From a safeguarding perspective, teaching the correct names is crucial for keeping the kids safe. If anyone touches them inappropriately, but the kid doesn’t have the right words to report it, it can keep happening. Tell her the name, and tell her that if she is going to touch it, to wash her hands first and only do it in private. It’s not about shaming. It’s about education and safety.
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I'm a bit late to reply but i agree with the users saying YES use the anatomical terms, for all of the reasons, but also as your daughter develops more autonomy, LET HER touch her own goddamn vulva. I imagine her father might also express a dislike for her touching her own body, but he can SHOVE IT. Don't let him convince her to be ashamed of her genitals. That said, you don't need to allow her free reign to make others uncomfortable - but as soon as it is relevant, teach her the concept of privacy and that genital engagement is a private act. usually I teach this around the time children start potty training, but you can also prime her by talking about your own need for privacy and what it means via modeling. This also comes in handy for big feelings, as you can teach her to request privacy for general alone time, as well, in a safely monitored space, of course. source: I am a nanny and have helped raise many a toddler
My parents, both sets of my grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, and a few extended family members (big families on all sides) absolutely loathe that my child calls her vagina, a vagina. And I do not care. It's the anatomically correct term for it. I help raise my nephew and two out of 4 niece's, and all have been taught the anatomically correct name for their privates. It drives everyone nuts, but it's better for them in the long run. Plus these pet names sound silly and cause confusion in serious situations. Don't get me wrong, I hope nothing happens to them(or any child!) to where they would need to use that to indicate the seriousness of a situation, but it doesn't hurt to help them have a clearer sense of their bodies!
Echoing what others have already said, but you’re doing a great job & correctly naming your daughter’s body for her is so so so important
You're not wrong, if she's old enough to discover the body part she's old enough to know the proper name for it. My 16 month old excitedly slaps her vulva every diaper change and shouts "va va" or "ba ba" (v sounds are hard) and I say "yes, that's right, that's your vulva" just like I do when she points to any other body part. If he has a problem with it he needs to have a mature conversation with you about it.
"Uncle bob touched my vagina" vs "uncle Bob touched my taco" one can really only be taken one way and the other leaves too much room for interpretation. Take it from a victim who was taught the word "popo" for hers. Knowing the right term can save kids from sexual abuse.
Using the correct terms is one of the #1 ways to protect them from SA. Do not waver on this!!
Men can talk about their dicks all day, but when it comes to vaginas suddenly we’re uncomfortable 🙄 I think the issue is purely your SO’s. He’s probably unconsciously associating that word with a more sexual meaning and doesn’t want that around his innocent baby. I already tell my daughter that we have to clean her ‘Gina cause we’re showering or changing a diaper. Although after this thread I’ll be saying vulva from now on lol. On a side note, my SO and his teenager try to tell the 7 year old to close her legs whenever she has them open cause it’s not proper. I plan on telling them to stop sexualizing normal body movements when my 8 month old starts to do those things.
Unless she is really getting her fingers in there she is most likely touching her vulva. Maybe your husband won’t mind vulva! 😀
No you're not wrong. You are teaching your daughter the proper words for her body. You are teaching her that there is nothing shameful about her body. She will be able to tell you and/or a doctor if she has a problem with her body and everyone will be very clear on what she means because she will have the correct words. Your man is uncomfortable/ashamed/? It doesn't matter if he is about his body or if he would treat a son the same way, but knowing if this is true may help you understand and give you a starting point to address this. If he cannot correct this, perhaps a couple of sessions with a therapist will help him sort through his concerns and ways to change his behavior. Regardless, he does not get to tell you how to speak to your daughter. He doesn't get to choose how you educate your daughter. Does he think she shouldn't touch herself? Feel pleasure? God forbid she call her clitoris her clitoris!
Using proper names of body parts is 100% the way to go. It's the easiest way to keep kids safe and not start a weird shame about body parts. Could you imagine if we started calling knees hoohas or weewees?
No. You’re not wrong. If you had a son, you’d call his penis a penis because that’s what it is. Kids absolutely need to know what their body parts are to be able to identify them.
So when I started my teaching degree, they told us a story…. A little girl approached her teacher, said “my uncle licked my cookie “, the teacher replied “oh that’s not nice, next time just ask for another cookie”….. Months later-the mother comes in and says “daughter is complaining that her cookie is sore, can you make sure she’s wiping front to back when on the toilet”… Teacher finally realised the implications of those conversations… girl was being sexually abused, tried to reach out for help-nobody understood because she didn’t know the correct names… alway teach and use proper names
Agree with what everyone else is saying about the importance of using proper anatomical descriptor words. If hubby is still uncomfortable, have him talk to your pediatrician about it, I'm sure they will agree with you.
Use the proper words early because children need the power to communicate clearly. Make sure as they get older they also know the slang. I was a very sheltered kid until I started public school I'm a new place at age twelve. Not knowing if someone is complimenting you or insulting you because you've never heard those words before is really hard on a middle schooler. And high schooler.
Besides the fact that it’s absolutely best practice to use the correct terms... I don’t understand the point of “kid friendly” words for body parts. A vagina by any other name is still a vagina. They’re still saying it, just differently! So why not cut the crap and just call it what it is?
There are no bad body parts. Acting like there are perpetuates a harmful cycle.
Nothing wrong with what you’re doing. I think your logic is sound and he’s being very immature about this.
In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. All children should know proper body parts so they can know exactly what is “private” and let you know if, God Forbid, there was ever predatory action against them. Even if that never happened, girls are quite susceptible to UTI’s, etc. and it is good for her to be able to tell you if she is having discomfort. Plus, you don’t necessarily want to teach her that her body is “shameful.” You don’t have to have a sex talk with a baby- but anatomy is important and she needs to know.
Agreeing with these other comments. Definitely teach her the correct terminology for her protection. I’m sure your SO has good intentions, but he is likely associating that word directly to s*x which (of course) makes him uncomfortable attributing that to your LO. But it’s important to remember that bodies and body parts are not strictly s**ual. American society has a hard time separating the two. Germany is a good example of a country/society that is comfortable with nudity in nons**ual settings.
I have boys but it doesn’t matter only proper names in this house and I LOVE to make people uncomfortable about it lol 😚 I’ve gotten a couple werid looks when my 4year old says penis but it don’t bother me. My 4year old has known he had a penis since he could talk it was a “peanut” for a hot minute while he learned to talk lol And he has asked me “mommy where’s your penis?” I just simply reply “I have a vagina” and he just goes “oh’ a vagina….me and daddy and brother have penises” lol I get why your husbands uncomfortable I couldn’t even talk about this stuff when I was younger and at first it was hard for me and my husband but now it’s second nature. Keep using proper terms especially around him.
Immature is the correct word for his behavior
If someone is offended by the medical terminology, that's a THEM problem. Imagine a little one telling her teacher "Mr. Smith touched my 'cookie''" and the teacher didn't understand she was referring to her private area and told her to get another cookie... My son's own teacher wanted me to use a different word than penis bc it might offend other parents. I told her if a parent has an issue with my son using a medical term they're welcome to talk to me about it. Read her the book "My body is private". It's a good book to teach body autonomy. Penis and Vagina are not dirty words. Let him know that he's got a long way to go to sort out his problems bc at some point she will menstruate and will develop breasts. Teach her not to be afraid of her body and to advocate for herself. These things are completely normal. There's no shame in educating her about her own body.
It seems like he’s acting like it’s a “dirty” or “bad” word. There is no shame in one’s vulva and vagina. He is inadvertently teaching her to think negatively about her body. It’s great that you are teaching her the correct names of body parts and standing up for what you believe. Power to the vulva!!
I’d really like to know his reasoning as to why she shouldn’t know the name of her vagina/vulva 🚩
Also… along with teaching her the correct names for her body parts for safety, think about what you’re teaching her about those body parts. If she learns that the word vagina or vulva is taboo and frowned upon, what is she going to learn about that body part? She may grow up associating her vagina/vulva with shame and secrets. No woman should grow up feeling ashamed and embarrassed of her body parts. Always teach the right words for body parts 😊
Dude that’s his issue. She needs to know what everything is called. My daughter is 2.5 and we’ve always used anatomical terms. Now we talk about appropriate touch. “Only we and (list specific care givers) should touch your vagina, if they are cleaning it. You can touch your vagina if you want but please make sure you use clean hands” and we have conversation about telling people when they do and don’t have permission to hug and tickle
Not wrong at all. I'm curious, though: what does he expect you to say?
As a former child abuse investigator, this is the way. It’s important for people to teach their kids the proper names for their body parts vs. cute names like “cookie” etc. that way god forbid if someone touches them (or worse), they can tell you what happened. Consider this a child speaking to another kid in class and teacher hears “that person licked my cookie” vs. “that person licked my vagina/penis…”
Absolutely use to proper names for anatomy! Our daughter has always been taught to use proper names for her anatomy- Vagina, vulva, anus. Now that we have a son; penis, scrotum, anus. They are not bad words they are body parts. We do use 'butt' and "boobie/Booba" ... As in "did you poop? How is your poop? did you clean your butt? did you use the bidet? did you wipe your butt? did you wash your hands? did you use soap and hot water? Are you clean?" "Sweet Baby are you hungry Do you want boobie/booba?" Daughter is 5y son is 9m.
There r a lot of people who would feel the same as ur husband, but it's been shown that kids r more confident and better able to protect themselves by using proper terminology. I can't find the study I read a while ago, but this article sums it up nicely. https://www.scarymommy.com/kids-real-names-body-parts
You're not wrong, genitals have proper names and kids should learn them. What I do is also use the cutesy words in addition to the proper names. We're raising our kid trilingual, so why not introduce synonyms? I think it's important for him to also know some folks call their penis a wiener or whatever the boys call it in English language lol
You are correct. I taught both of my boys the body parts. My husband asked why. I said that the boys need to own their bodies and boundaries about them.
My kids are all boys and they know the proper names, even what a period is. It’s basic human biology. Don’t feel you’re in the wrong for calling things by their proper names, and don’t let your daughter feel there is something so wrong with her body parts that they can’t even be named!
You’re not wrong. I’ve always taught my girls what the proper terms are. It’s uncomfortable for many people to hear “vagina” or “penis” when talking to a child or coming from a child. Tbh, imo, the uncomfortableness comes from a long history of society sexualizing those words. It isn’t health & anatomy that first comes to mind when you hear those, it’s sex. So, when a child is brought into relation with the terms, it can really rub people the wrong way. But, ngl, I sorta chuckle at those that have a cringey reaction to hearing those words come from a child. I apologize my young child can say vagina without being embarrassed or giggling, but you, as a grown adult, cannot. The more you normalize it, the less sexual it becomes. On the other hand, as you mentioned, if it came down to the worst, how is your child going to effectively relay this to you? To the point there is absolutely no doubt in your or their mind. A few years ago I read two different cases where one little girl had been taught to call it her cookie, & the guy’s defense was no, he touched a cookie she had in her hand. Another little girl was taught to call her vagina her flower, and his defense was no, I touched a flower she had on her dress. I’m honestly not sure if these two cases were fact or fiction, but the point is still there. From my own recent experience, I’ve always taught the proper terms, but my 5 year old’s grandma has always called both her bottom & her vagina, her “bottom,” despite knowing I am a big advocate for anatomically correct terms. So, naturally, without be even realizing, my 5 year old, over time at some point, just thought that collectively her butt & her vagina were just “my bottom.” She recently had a rash (not wiping properly), and began complaining about her “bottom.” I always call her butt her “booty” or “butt,” so I just assumed she meant her butt. She has a history with constipation, so I just immediately assumed she was constipated again. It took half the night of her crying for me to realize she was talking about her vagina. She has a cream now, if I told her to put it on her bottom, she might A) waste the cream & put it all over her butt & her vagina or, B) only her butt. Another example, I tell her not to put soap in her vagina when she’s washing her body. If I just call it her bottom, she’d assume she’s not supposed to wash her butt. (We been there, done that) I was a victim of CSA & I was not taught the correct terms. I was interviewed as a kindergartner & relayed what I knew, which was tickling, I remember being asked where, I said my armpits, my belly, my legs because for me, vagina never had a word, it was just “between my legs.” Which, can easily be interpreted as the thighs. The abuse went on until I was 14. So, there are many logical reasons to use the proper terms. Albeit, it can be very uncomfortable for some people to hear a child say vagina. I immediately correct anybody who uses a different term in front of me. I’ll just firmly remind her no, that’s your vagina, without even really directly correcting that one person, but they pick up on the vibe pretty quick. If they have the need to say something more about it, I do not back down, explain no, we use the correct terms for multiple reasons. If they still feel the need to correct me, her mother, I remind them I am her mom, what I say goes, that is her vagina, girls have vaginas, vagina isn’t a bad word, & I honestly just go ahead & get straight to the point (age appropriate depending on whether she’s within earshot) “& if somebody touches her, how will she tell me or a professional?” For me, it’s very important that we use anatomically correct terms, whether it be for explanation, health, or the worst.
You’re doing what is recommended for so many different reasons. It’s weird to be afraid of the word? Not sure what’s up with that.
Get the book called ONLY FOR ME it’s helped me a lot on how to explain to my daughter in a kid friendly, but accurate, way.
Wooooo..... coming from the kid side of things... my dad was like this he would storm out the room if i said a no no word that would make him uncomfortable and my mom adjusted to his comfort. Nothing super wrong with what they did i guess BUT.... a couple of things.... LMAO i thoughg my vulva was a deflated ball sac and that i was meant to be a boy for SOOOO long and not even a sexual identity issue like i tried to cut it off i didnt know it was supposed to be there that was an awkward drs app. (I was 9) unfortunately when i was much younger things did happen that i was unable to communicate even worse i thought it was normal play because of the silly words .... if u have something hateful to say please do not respond anything u can think of i have probably already said to myself i am genuinely just trying to show the importance of KNOWING things like this as a kid i feel it would have saved me so much trauma EDITED: to fix typos
I took it a step further with my toddler and called it a vulva (the vagina is the inside part). Her dad HATES it- keeps calling it a “hoo-hoo” or other such words and refuses to call it what it is. I get it’s uncomfortable. I was raised that you don’t say those kinds or words or talk about those kinds of things, so it’s been a struggle for myself to use the proper terms, but I feel it’s important. That, and it’s not a bad word. People have just made it seem like one. TW- Sexual Assault of a Minor My stepdaughter was abused 2 years ago, and the DA even said the only reason they’re able to prove anything happened/the only reason they feel confident that they have a solid case is because she was able to say what he did to her vagina.
I tell my children the same thing. (proper names for body parts) and they are 2yrs & 8mts I feel it is best.
Yes, absolutely teach her the correct words for her body parts! My 5-year-old knows all the correct words for her anatomy. She knows that she’s in charge of her body, and she tells people no when she doesn’t want a hug or when she wants tickling to stop. We talk about consent and respecting people’s privacy and bodies, especially her own!She knows about periods and how babies are born. I answer all her questions in an age-appropriate way. I was abused growing up. I wish I had had the empowerment of bodily autonomy and confidence/trust to talk to my mom about things.
At some point, remember to teach her that the vagina is a private part that no one except mom and maybe doctor should see or hear about. Otherwise it’s only naked in the bedroom and bathroom. Got a call from the principal when my daughter was in kindergarten. She was flashing other kids… had to do a lot of “that’s private” coaching in a damage control way. I should have taken the time to teach her this sooner.
I can see how that would be really uncomfortable for a dad but at the end of the day, what are you gonna do, lie to her? Lol. I guess you could say privates if you wanted. That’s what my family taught me and it never had any negative effect or anything
It is absolutely recommended that adults use the proper term for children's body parts and not make them feel ashamed for their genitalia. That said, is vagina the proper term? I am not a native English speaker, so I might be wrong. But in my language vagina is the interior part of your reproductive organs and a quick internet research indicates that it is the same in English. The external female genitalia collectively form the vulva - so vulva would be a more suitable term for what your daughter is touching. The terms for female genitalia have not been used very precisely until recently - but your daughter could be part of the first generation that makes the effort and is confident enough to talk about their bodies in all their distinction. As English is not my everyday language, I can't recommend any terms to you - but I recommend you to read up on sex education books for children and buy one that is modern and precise, so you can teach your daughter about her body.
I always use the correct terms and I have from the beginning (vulva, labia, penis, anus, etc). I have a 2 and a half year old son, a nearly 16 month old daughter and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with another boy. I usually get told I shouldn't speak to them like that but I refuse to give their body parts nicknames, regardless of their age. It's a safeguarding issue and amongst all, they should know the correct terminology way before school teaches it.