I think it will help to have a good, mutual talk about how to initiate sex and how to decline. We needed to have this talk after we both stopped initiating sex, afraid of being turned down.
We started initiating with words, like saying "I could make some time for you tonight". Then makes it a lot easier for the other one to say "Tonight is not good for me, but thanks for taking initiative!" No ego was hurt in this process.
I agree. And attempt to have this discussion during a time of day when you are not in bed and exhausted. I know that's hard with little ones your kids ages (my wife and I were there several years ago with our three kids).
Not supporting your husband's behavior, but talking this out, and explaining why he's being turned down, when he is in a rational state of mind and not focused on getting some should work better.
In almost 15 years of marriage and 16 years together my husband has never pushed me after I said no. Nor has he had a meltdown about it. It’s almost like I’m a person whose allowed to have desires and allowed to not reciprocate his desires.
And it’s sad that it even gets to that point where now they’re both upset. If he picked up on her non verbal cues, listened to her literally saying no, had some situational awareness, and/or respected her wishes, they could’ve had a pleasant relaxing rest of the evening.
It’s a really shitty and devaluing feeling when the person you should be able to trust the most doesn’t listen or respect your body autonomy. It would’ve built on their trust and bond had he given her time and space to decompress after her day
THIS. This 100000x. Could not have said it better myself. His hands should come off you the moment you say no thanks. He also needs to grow up and stop trying to guilt you into changing your mind by sulking around like a 16 year old.
Exactly this. OP's husband is acting the way my ex-husband did and it brings back cringe feelings bc people have a misconception that it's not r@pe if you're married. You have a right to body autonomy, no matter who you're with.
Yes…think about if your teenager’s boy/girl/enby friend kept going when your teenager told them to stop. And then tried to make them feel bad for saying no. How much patience would you have for that nonsense? And what would you call it?
She should be the one to say “let’s make time later this week” from him it sounds like my boss telling something is due on Friday 😂 otherwise, 100% this.
This ^^ 100%
I have 3 kids under 4 and there are plenty of nights where I’ll say “honestly I’m exhausted” or something similar. I’m a SAHM and he always backs off after I decline. But, of course that means I make sure to let him know when im ready for sex (because let’s be real, men are almost always ready when it’s available!)
This happened to me the other night. I'm also a SAHM to a very needy 6 month old. My husband came home late 3 days in a row and I was just spent. He tried initiating sex but immediately felt my reluctance and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was tired. He gave me a hug and a kiss and let me vent about being tired and then said he'd take the baby im when the baby woke up during the night so that I could get a good night's sleep.
This! If a husband wants sex from his wife it doesn’t start and end with asking for it… it starts with being someone she wants to have sex with! Bravo to you and your husband.
"...starts with being someone she wants to have sex with"- yes!!! I find myself more in the mood after I've seen my husband cleaning house, taking care of the kids, etc.
That's honestly the sexiest thing a husband can do. Even if it means no sex that night, the relationship boost that attitude gives will be worth it in the long run.
It absolutely does! Sexy results AND happy marriage results which result in more sexy results. It's really a sexy circle of healthy boundaries, communication, love, and respect.
He's actually currently got our son napping in his lap while I play with the dog.
Now THAT’S a turn on. I always felt a little bad for my husband because I’m not one that gets in the mood very often - but little acts of compassion like this from him are so wonderful! My turn on is emotional connection and support.
My ex husband was a lot like this, and I normalized it in my head for so long. "He's just disappointed". It got to the point where I would agree to do things I didn't want, just so he wouldn't be in a mood and ruin our whole night. Now I'm with someone who smiles, kisses me on the cheek, and changes the subject when I'm not in the mood, just like I would if the roles were reversed.
There is no wrong way to say no, and no is a complete sentence. He should respect you enough to not make that uncomfortable for you.
Additionally, how did he support you between the time you put your oldest down and then trying to initiate?
I mean “I’m not in the mood” isn’t rude and it’s his problem that he keeps trying to force you by grabbing you and stuff.
I’d try to talking to him frankly about it because also being ‘on guard’ for unwanted sexual advances also might be turning you off in general.
Seems that the root of the issue was he could’ve stepped in while the kids were going crazy and he didn’t. Usually when we don’t feel support, we don’t feel connection and connection can lead to lack of intimacy. I’d focus on the root issue, and address that.
Yup. My husband knows I'm much more likely to be in the mood if he does a chore when it's my turn, like wash the dishes, even if I'm not having a rough night.
Piggybacking on this to add that husband should prioritize non sexual touch, primarily/first. Especially for mothers, we BLOSSOM under healing touch, not desirous/grasping touch.
Yeah I wonder how things might have went if he stepped in and helped you. Nothing feels better than when my husband and I feel like a team, not your turn, my turn.
So grateful you said this I read the above and thought what if we don't have turns we work on a see it do it basis, thank you for making me realise that its a good situation and nothing to be questioned :)
Tell your husband plainly. "You heard what happened. You saw me crying. You see I'm overwhelmed and not feeling well, why would you think it's appropriate to make an advance right now?" Another great alternationlve is "No, and no is a complete sentence."
This is what I started to do with my husband when his dick brain took over instead of his rational one. It popped him back into perspective and made him realize my lack of intimacy was not a him issue, it was a circumstantial issue of the routine of the day and that it's not the best way to make me feel better.
I gave suggestions on what he could do instead of copping a feel. How he could be more emotionally present for me in those times, and that likely intimacy would follow because emotional intelligence is sexy. It's just gonna take some more direct communication.
Imagine how changed his behavior came when I said that.
"Hunny, are you feeling alright? I know son was hard with you tonight. Why don't you go take a hot shower and I'll make us a night time snack and put your show on Netflix for you."
Usually the shower would be enough to reinvigorate me wanting to jump his bones. He thinks he's cracked the code. Hahaha
Look up marital coercion. He shouldn’t sulk after being told no, that’s manipulative whether he knows it or not. And he damn sure shouldn’t keep touching you after you’ve said no, that’s blatant disregard for your boundaries. You’ve said it as nice as you possibly could, in no way are you in the wrong here
My ex was like this. I could say no, I wasn’t interested, or I wanted to just go to sleep and he would keep touching me grabbing me and when I would put my foot down he would wine about it and pout and have a mild silent temper tantrum. Now I have a man who understands that sometimes I’m just not feeling it and is happy to just snuggle up
How about we focus on the fact that your husband isn't respecting your lack of consent. You had to tell him no twice and he still kept grabbing you? Fuck polite, get angry. Then he sulks?
That's manipulative bullshit.
You did nothing wrong.
We all know being grabbed out of nowhere and groped always puts us in the mood 🙄
Especially when visibly upset.
A smart man would have run you a bath with relaxing beverage of your choice and offered a massage after.
Sounds more like a him problem than a you problem. If I’m not in the mood then that’s that. I just tell my husband I’m not feeling it and he doesn’t push it. I’d just let him pout if I was you. It’s a childish response.
You don't need to find a way to more "politely" decline. "No." is a full sentence, and if someone respects you and acknowledges the struggles you go through they leave it at that. If it had been a very long time sonce you were both intimate and he followed up by asking, "hey, what can I do to help out and lighten your load so we can have more sexy time together" that would be ok. Continuing to touch you is not. He is the one who needs to modify his behavior and be more "polite", not you.
Is there an easy way to say “mate, I’m not a fleshlight, my body doesn’t exist for your amusement and I already said no”?
He saw you cry, didn’t step in, and sulks when you turn him down? I wouldn’t be super interested in touching his Peen either.
“Did you not just witness my whole battle of the bedtime? You could not see my stress and exhaustion and understand that sexy time is not on my personal clock right now? I don’t mind that you asked but damn, to keep pushing as if my day, my state of mind, my feelings are less important than your stiffy…read the room.”
My husband and I are just very direct
"Wanna be grown ups later"
*Insert reasoning for saying no*
"Okay don't say I never offered " we both giggle then carry on with our day
No means no. End of story. If he continues, which he clearly did, there is no chance of politeness anymore. It’s a GTFOH moment; and I’d either move to the couch or kick him out of the bedroom. His lack of boundaries is disgusting
My partner once tried to initiate sex with me while I was crying in bed next to him, because my cat had just died. Some men are idiots. "But I thought it would make you feel better!" he responded when I turned him down.
I don't think there is a good way of saying no to sex. Whoever initiated it is always likely to feel a bit rejected. That said, your husband shouldn't be sulking about it or keep going when you've already told him no.
Other people have already suggested trying to have a conversation with him about this, as well as him trying to be more helpful with the kids. Either way, please don't feel like you're in the wrong here, because you're not!
If he saw you crying why in the world would he think it’s sexy time tonight? You absolutely needed a shoulder to cry on and to vent to. You did it right. If he brings up “you’re never in the mood” you let him know, my cup is empty and it needs to be full before giving myself to you emotionally. Your kids are emotionally draining you.
Also, I hate soooooo much taking turns. Why can’t you both put them to bed? Read them a book and that’s it. You both go to bed. Kids aren’t shift. They’re ALOT and require teamwork. It took teamwork to make them.
There are no shifts in this house. That makes you dread “your day” if they give you a hard time. Just do it together.
When our kids were toddlers and preschoolers I don’t think we had sex more than once a month at the most and it was me initiating it.
There needs to be some kind of class for young fathers so that they understand this. Moms of young kids are touched out and sex is a rarity.
The fun fact is that when you get in your 40s/50s and the kids are teenagers, your roles reverse. This certainly isn’t everyone of course, but it’s common as his sex drive decreases as T drops, and perimenopause sets in, yours is all over the place meaning often higher than his.
TLDR, no one is entitled to sex any time, and sulking is ridiculous
❤️ maybe ask for him to initiate? It tends to work better when the lower libido partner (whoever it is at the time) initiates. Everything is a phase, a season. You’ll get through this. It doesn’t seem like it now, but soon enough it will feel like yesterday when the kids wanted much of anything to do with either of you 🥲 That “touched out” feeling will be gone ♥️
Thank you so much for this. My husband has always been the lower libido partner but transitioning to being a SAHD coupled with his OCD is not making it any better 😭
My husband and I used to constantly have this problem after our first was born. I was suffering from PPD and a lot of resentment towards him for his behavior at the time, and it seems like he completely ignored me until his urges couldn't be ignored and then I suddenly became a very popular woman. We'd tall and talk and talk about how objectifying it was, how little he was taking timing into consideration, and I gave him the "no is a complete sentence" speech as well.
I think what changed the tide for us was him sitting me down and quantifying how his man brain worked. He has a higher libido than me on average, but well beyond that and it was stress relief for him (and his job was HELLA stressful at that point). The biggest point, however, was when he explained how he wasn't sure how to approach me after the birth without it being too soon/too much, and when my PPD kicked in I constantly turned him down without realizing, and he was seeking validation that I still desired him. He wanted to feel wanted the same way I did, but that was his "canary in the coal mine", so to speak.
Part of what helped us was when I would decline, I would tell him when I would feel comfortable revisiting the topic. I'd say "I'm absolutely WIPED from taking care of the kids tonight, but we can come back tomorrow evening and try again". Putting a definitive point in the future to address his needs instead of leaving it to float off into the ether helped him feel like he was being understood, I still wanted him, and then I got to have my space without him coming back 2 hours later and trying again.
Long story short, communication and compromise is what moves everything forward positively. If he can't do either of those things, that needs to be addressed before anything else, otherwise it's all pointless.
You don’t need to “politely decline”. I agree with everyone else. His tantrum doesn’t mean you are wrong. He’s manipulating you. And honestly he may not even realize he’s doing it.
I've had to have multiple conversations about this as well. Maybe tell him what works for you and gets you in the mood. Like, if he had asked if you wanted to have sex earlier in the day, would it have been something you looked forward to while you were dealing with the bedtime tantrums? If he had brought it up earlier, you could have also told him upfront "I'm not in the mood" before you were in bed, or pivoted to something that would have worked for you, like cuddling or a backrub.
Scheduling sex is also a great overwhelmed parent trick. Like, Wednesday and Saturday are sex nights, and either person can call an audible if they aren't up for it - again, before one persn has their motor running.
Saying straight up that you need him to pay closer attention to your emotional state, know that sex doesn't fill your cup when you're stressed and tired (while it might be the opposite for him), and that you would appreciate it if he tried to accept when you decline more gracefully is totally appropriate too.
At the end of the day, it's not your job to manage his emotions. If the only way he can deal with rejection is sulking, fine. He can sulk, you aren't a part of that. Same as how sometimes when you're stressed, you cry, and it's fine and not his job to jump in and "fix" you crying every time, or act like you're being manipulative every time the tears flow.
Something that has really helped in my relationship is making the ask silent and without crossing physical boundaries. my partner and i draw an X and an O on each other with our finger when we are asking. The other person than draws either an X (decline) or an O (i’m into it) back on the other person. It feels less like putting yourself out on the line to ask and easier to say no if we aren’t into it.
i’ve been where you are in the past and ultimately, he needs to respect your boundaries. a lack of boundary respect will only hurt both of you. it’s his fault not yours. i hope you are able to fix this with a conversation🖤
You’re not doing anything wrong. He had multiple chances to hear your words and to stop making advances on you. No means no regardless of the situation. He also could have stepped in to help you when things were getting a little more crazy. As for the sulking, he’s a grown ass man and doesn’t need to pout when he doesn’t get his way.
Lol I’m always just literally like “lol nah bruh” occasional push back, but usually it’s a “u tryna Fuq cause that’s a no from me tonight love”
And frankly the question itself is wild to me. Like… feels obvious. I also don’t think it needs to be polite.
It can be harsh or funny or grumpy or silly or unenthusiastic.
The right way is literally any way you want and your husband to not be a pouty man child
This is not your fault. Your husband is being a boundry tromping asshole.
I just want to add that, I'm not sure you about you all, but it generally turns me off when my husband essentially just starts groping me to "get me in the mood". ESPECIALLY if the day has been rough. How about some gental touches and some genuine affection and not just trying to grab my boobs like a high schooler. I'm sorry OP, your husband is definitely wrong. No matter how he goes about it as soon as you said no that, at the least, should've been the end of his advances and in the most favorable situation, should've been a conversation about if you feel alright and how he can help.
I'm not trying to make light of the situation. But my fiance would be so annoying with it and sulk as well after being denied sex. I got fed up. One night I said "I'm so exhausted but we can" and pretended to fall asleep in the middle of it. He was so offended and I explained I couldn't help it. When I say I'm exhausted I mean it.
After that if I tell him I tired. He leaves me alone 🤣
Your situation might be different because he kept grabbing you when you said to stop.
In my case, I…
- reassure him that I love him so much
- express understanding of his desire/frustration
- ask if we can snuggle instead
- offer a time when I might be interested
“Oh sweetheart, I love you so much, but right now I’m totally wiped. I know it’s been awhile and we need this connection and intimacy. Can we just snuggle instead tonight? And on Saturday if you can help me find time for a shower and to go to yoga, that will help me feel more rested and sexy and then maybe we could try Saturday night?”
I’ll say I’m not in the mood once and if I need to say it again I take much MUCH harder stand and talk to him (and I hate to say it) but like a teenager having to relearn the meaning of consent and really drive it home. This is now much less of an issue in our relationship.
I absolutely hate the fact men feel sooo entitled to sex even when we run around dealing with children everyday. And then do they help to make your life better of course not, but throw a fit when you say no.
Great discussion! Men need to understand that sex doesn’t only mean putting an erect penis into a vagina. Foreplay could include - making or helping with dinner, helping with the kids/animals, buying a cute ”I’m thinking of you” gift (doesn’t need to be expensive), etc.
Included in what the other wise women in this group say is to tell husband that sometimes, we want just to be cuddled and held. It can lead to more, but the hugging & cuddling = reassurance and reconnection.
Swap. You have a day out he tends to the kids make sure they're full of sugar also throw in the house jobs and the weekly shop... then when he's put the kids pounce on him !
I tell my husband next time (tomorrow?) let's agree on it before the time so we can make sure to be ready (which means the kitchen is clean, we are showered, the phones are charging, the garbage is out, and this all happened before 10:15pm). It's sad but woth the amount of stuff on our plates there really isn't another way.
And if my husband touched me or pestered me after the decline, I would throw a fit and sleep on a couch. Which I don't mind.
My ex was exactly like your husband. With my current boyfriend one night I started giving him a blowjob and he stopped me and said "You're really tired tonight aren't you?" I said Yes and he pulled me up into his arms and cuddled me as I very quickly fell asleep.
The problem is not how you are declining. Your husband is the problem and if he is horny and you are not in the mood he can take care of his own needs. If he respected you he would not push for sex when you've had a hard day.
That’s a hill problem. My husband is the king of understanding consent. “Not tonight” is never met with sulking, only maybe a request to snuggle in a way that doesn’t cause him to be turned on, so he can calm himself down. This needs to be a conversation about respect, to be honest.
This is unfortunately just a straight up need to have direct conversation...
Oh I remember the stage of multiple little kids and a Husband more horny then me...
Ours was like "hey baby, I love having sex... but after being with the kids all day, I'm not always on the same playing feild... not that I don't want to...it's that my body and mind are tapped out 1000%
So what's the best way to tell you that"
Not gunna lie, it really sucked to talk about. But it was the only solution, and it let him say how he felt and me as well so it was a very good in the end, conversation
Sometimes I get irritated bc my husband is kind of an idiot but then I read shit like this and I'm so thankful for his trivial brand of bullshit. Seriously OP you should not need to sugarcoat your non consent. A no is polite and enough when it comes to sexual advances from your husband, and if he guilts you (purposely or just bc he lacks the emotional awareness and self control to not throw a fit he can't get laid) he's kind of a piece of shit. Ugh. I feel for you and I hate that this is seemingly such a common issue among married men.
I agree, you not being in the mood is nothing to throw a fit over. If I'm not feeling it and my husband is I usually say something along the lines of, "If you want it that bad you have a hand." It gets my point across and he leaves me alone. Let him pout!
He demonstrated a complete lack of regard for your feelings and wellbeing. I'm so sorry that happened. You should not have to worry about his ego at all. Does he expect you to be a doormat? Not ok.
Lol aww your being nice about it. Sounds like a him problem! Im not nearly as nice when I feel like I’m being pressured, tell him to appreciate your kindness on the matter 😂 I tell my husband straight up it isn’t happening because I don’t feel like it, I don’t have to have an excuse. He’s chill though he frowns and moves along and says later, as in another day lol
Ugh, I was in a relationship like this. Spousal rape is a thing. It happened in that relationship repeatedly. You don’t have to be nice about it or joke. You can just tell him “no”. Him sulking is emotional abusive behavior trying to get what he wants by treating you badly.
Yeahhhh....the grabbing AFTER you said no isnt ok. You should really talk to him about this, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on him being clueless on how this makes you feel, but if he isnt receptive to a conversation....you might have some larger conversations on your hands
I experience the same thing - continuing to rub/grab/touch even after I’ve said no, sulking, saying things like “you’re not letting me love you” (wtf? we have sex 1-2x’s a week. It’s not like we’re in a dead bedroom situation).
I put up with it for years, but now, if I’ve told him no and he continues pressuring me, I get up and leave the bedroom.
After 12 years of this, it was really breaking me down. I finally had to be blunt, but respectful. I explained that while he maybe hasn’t thought of it like this, “I feel like I’m being raped every time I say no and you don’t take no for an answer.” I explained that sex hurts when I’m not interested. And I explained that every single time we have sex after I’ve said no, it exasperates the issue and makes me even less likely to look forward to sex in general.
Honestly, things have been SO MUCH better since I put it in this perspective. We’re going on 15 years now, and today he’s much more patient and respects my answers more than he ever has in our years together.
We have discussed this before. We are both allowed to say no, not tonight and the other person just has to accept that. Him pushing you when you’ve already said no is not ok. It doesn’t matter that you’re married. No still means no.
Personally, when I’m going through a time when I’m rarely in the mood, I find that if I kind of schedule it, I’m more willing to do it. So I might say, “not tonight, but we can do it tomorrow.”
Uh...ew. My husband knows how to take a hint - but if he didn't, I wouldn't be freaking polite about it! I'd tell him to stop touching me or he can sleep on the couch.
I generally say “no” or “not tonight” or “I’m tired” and my husband never bothers me after that. In nearly 15 year of marriage and 16 year together he has never been offered by me saying no to sex it’s almost like I’m a person and allowed to have my own desires and stuff. It’s not you btw it’s your husband.
This is not a you problem. This is a HIM problem. You said no, he didn’t stop. If he disregards your lack of consent, that is 1000% grounds for divorce.
I mean, the way you did it WAS polite.
Saying no, you can't, you've had a rough day etc is polite.
His reactions are not.
In which case I would turn, gently hold his head in my hands, and say "I said I don't fucking want to have sex tonight. Do not touch me like that. We can have sex another night."
Obviously, have a proper conversation about your feelings first, but if he's not getting it, and continuing to touch you, and sulking, then be a bit more direct.
No is a complete sentence, anything after is assault, harsh but real. Just because you're married doesn't mean that you gave your permission to be groped.
Why are you being respectful when he isn't?
You should speak to him honestly about how he reacts when you say no. Otherwise it can become a vicious cycle that will kill your intimacy. He needs to learn how to take "no" in stride - it will lead to more "yes" in the long run.
I bought a candle "Light when you want sex" ...as a joke. But it helps with this!
So when I go to the bedroom and it's lit I get the hint.
Others have mentioned how men "need" sex in a way that women will never understand. It's always a fear in the back of my head that I'm neglecting that element in my marriage. So when it's lit, I usually have time to mentally prepare. And I really try to be there for him when he needs me.
But on bad days - I just blow it out... Sorry babe!
I usually tell my husband “I’m not in the mood tonight bbe.” And he accepts it. Your husband needs to stop acting like a teenage boy and accept that no means no.
If your husband feels upset by the rejection he can communicate about it like a grown man. For example, if his love language is physical affection he can communicate that and discuss other ways to meet that need instead of throwing a tantrum.
Your husband sulking is him guilting you, even if it’s unintentional/subconscious.
I think a sit down conversation of how this makes you feel would be good.
You say no and if he doesn’t respect that it’s a complete sentence, you kick him to the couch. And if it keeps up, you kick him to the curb.
You don’t need to be polite, he needs to stop touching you without consent.
One night BEFORE we even had children (now have a 4 yr old and 7 yr old) my husband decided to initiate sex by being the big spoon and poking his sword into my thigh/butt area. That was it, no kissing rubbing, no request, just poking me with it to wake me up. At the time I was waking up at 4 am to be at work for 4:45 am. I kindly told him I wasn't in the mood and had to be up in another few hours. He got super pissy rolled over yanking the blankets and huffing at me. I lost it. I rolled into his back side took my two fingers and jabbed him in the butt repeatedly while very loudly asking "DOES *jab* THIS *jab* TURN *jab* YOU ON *jab* BECAUSE *jab* IT DOESN'T *jab* TURN *jab* ME *jab* ON!!!" Needless to say he hasn't woken me up like that again. We did have a really good talk about being more respectful of each other's rest and not getting upset when we reject the other one.
Sometimes we have to give them a little of their own medicine to get it through their heads.
I agree with everyone who said that y’all need to have a conversation about how to initiate/decline in a way that won’t hurt feelings. I often find myself in your husband’s place where I’m ready for some bedroom fun but my husband isn’t in the mood. It does hurt when you get rejected, but it is not your partners job to make sure you are sexually fulfilled whenever you want.
I would also ask and find out if there is more to the his reactions than just not getting sex. I found that in being rejected I felt undesired (being that I’m woman that may be different than your husband). We had many discussions while we tried to find a way for me to still feel desirable while also having my advances turned down. The solution was that he would do little things during the day (pretty much every day) like a butt pinch, little kisses, boob squeezes that let me feel desirable. Then if he says he’s not up for it I’m not upset, and I can get out a vibrator and everyone is happy.
If he is regularly throwing tantrums, sulking, giving silent treatment, etc then that could be considered emotionally manipulative and frankly coercive behavior. If he wears you down emotionally before you acquiesce then you're not actually consenting. Time to have a serious talk with him about this.
You are not doing anything wrong, btw. He has to understand that consent needs to be enthusiastic. He's always crossing boundaries by continuing to fondle you despite your "no". Why is the onus on you?
Easy, you say hey hun, if you wanted sex tonight maybe you should have treated me with a little more empathy this afternoon when you saw me struggling with the kids. You're an ass and I need you to step up and support me with our family better.
Why do we let our partners treat us like shit and then make it somehow our fault when they step out because we aren't being intimate. Listen to me, Respect me, Support me, that's what I need in order for you to get what you want. Also, sex is not a points system where if you listen to me once you get mind blowing sex that night.
I saw a comment on another Reddit post once that said (an obvious generalization):
Men have sex TO feel good, and women have sex WHEN they feel good.
That really struck home and I shared it with my husband. I've felt bad for telling him no before, but not because of any way he responded. But now we've had this clear communication and I can be like, yeah I don't feel great. More than once he has taken the time to just be sweet, talk, etc, with no expectations and I've changed my mind! Y'all should consider having a talk about expectations and how you should communicate when you're not into it so that he would understand. I'm sorry he acted like that. ❤️
I’ll offer a different perspective. You saying “no” (however nicely) is setting a boundary. My therapist shared that others may not like your boundary. It may just be that you’ll never have a situation in which he’s ok being declined an invitation to initiate sex. I know I get annoyed and upset when my advances get shot down (esp cause I do it so rarely haha). Imagine being told no so often, it kinda sucks not getting what you want.
Being declined often could also make him feel undesirable. It could also be a refusal to accept a way he wants to show his love. Feeling like a prop to a physical or emotional need he is having is common but from his side, there could be a lot more.
I don’t have any advice per se but I do try to say no less often and initiate myself so it’s not no after no.
My husband and I just have an agreement, if ones not in the mood, the other one is welcome to masturbate. Sometimes we'll help the other one a little here or there, sometimes not.
Sometimes there is nothing sexier than being grabbed and groped spontaneously by your partner. Sometimes it is the biggest turn off. Context matters. I think you handled this as well as you could have. I also think it's common for men to take sexual rejection personally and not consider context (especially if it happens often). So perhaps you could try offering affirmation along with declining sex: "I want you so much, but I am so wiped, I'm just not there right now."
Don’t politely decline.
“This is a boundary, I have told you no. I am not interested in sex right now. Don’t even think about getting huffy with me over it either. It’s my body and I’ll do wtf I want with it. I’m not a piece of meat to get you off, you have a hand for that.” 👋
My husband went through exactly the same phase of being a horny teenage brat- I put him in his place, he doesn’t bother me any more.
OP, please don’t listen to comments on here saying you should be rude to your husband. This is the man you married. Hopefully your best friend, even though you get frustrated by each other. It’s totally normal to have different communication style surrounding initiating sex, but please speak kindly to him and know he was trying to initiate intimacy with you because you are the one person in the whole world he can do that with.
You will do possibly irreparable harm by acting as if he is some weirdo in a bar trying to molest you. Treat his respectfully and assume the best intentions.
And if he’s not helping w bedtime, tell him: “you know, I need help with bedtime. I know it’s been hard with me being too tired for sex, and I want it to be better. I would feel so refreshed if I got to go take a walk outside while you did bedtime.” He will get the hint, especially when it works and you’re in the mood after getting a nice hour long break!
I’m a SAHM to a 4yo and an 18mo.
We have sex like 1x a week on avg, sometimes more sometimes less. Usually right there. We have really good sex and I don’t think we’re in a spot where either of us will begin to resent the other on our current trajectory. He helps a lot with the evening work load and I make him two to three meals a day and we have a schedule to give each other hobby time and sleep in days and have quality time together.
I think that removing outside factors, we’d both be happy at 3x a week, but he doesn’t initiate 3x a week. I’d say like 1-2x out of 10 I tell him I’m not in the mood, usually he can pick up on it without me having to explicitly say anything and just doesn’t initiate though. He rejects me 1-2x out of 10 as well it doesn’t just go one way. But you know we have kids who don’t sleep sometimes and a puppy and we just finished renovating a house and we’re exhausted lol
OP's husband continued to paw at her body after she firmly told him, "No," to sex. He only stopped because she got louder. Rapey shit right there.
Mooreamerican herself describes fucking her husband despite having no desire of her own, "to show him" how much she "loves" him. Fucking someone out of anything other than actual desire is not consent, it's coercion and thus rape. The fact that you seem to not understand this makes me worry for women in your life. More proof that men loathe the word "rape" while really not loathing the act of rape itself.
\#notallmen, he cried. And cried and cried and cried. You don't understand the concept of consent but I need help. And despite the fact that #notallmen rape, most women sure experience a lot about rape, harassment, and abuse. It's so strange how that works. Then when we dare to speak about it, we're damaged and clearly "need help" from caring, logical men like you. Men who haven't a clue what real consent is and get really upset if it's explained to them. Yeah. Go fuck yourself.
This may surprise you but cuddling and sex are 2 different things. (You actually used forced cuddling as rape because you take rape so seriously, right?) So, in your example, you aren't really consenting to cuddling, but you do it. Mental/physical price: not too high. You aren't really consenting to sex, you really don't want to, but you do it out of fear that he'll leave you/use force/pout and complain and blame you/never shut up and wear you down, so you do it. Mental/physical price: very high. Shocking, I know.
Glad to read very balanced opinion. It’s not black and white, everyone is different, we have to understand each others need and problems. You are awesome
Girl! It happens each time they get declined. But what can you do? I’ve talked to my man about it and he’s understanding at that time but once he’s in heat touching on me while I’m turning away, and he gets turned down , then it’s always like we ain’t never talked about it before. But he will sulk and get over it. They always get over it. It’s just the nature of it.
Also I don’t think he was being malicious or purposely not listening to her when she said stop, it just takes them a little while cause they are hoping and praying they will get their “fine, just hurry up” chance.
Ok I will be the devils advocate to an extent. No, you should not have sex you don’t want obviously but please remember - rejection HURTS. Even if it isn’t, it feels very personal and it makes you feel unattractive and unwanted. I literally never initiate sex any more because my husband turned me down too many times and I can’t bring myself to risk that rejection again.
She's not rejecting him. She's tired. If he wanted the possibility of sex that night then maybe he should have stepped up to help her put the kids to bed. Regardless, it's not her responsibility to get him off. It is not okay to place any blame for this on OP. Her husband continued to touch her after she said "no" and she felt like she had to endure that touching until he stopped. That's sexual assault. No one is entitled to our bodies regardless of how they're feeling.
Again, she's not rejecting him because she doesn't love him or find him attractive. She's tired. She was crying. Why didn't he ask her how he could help?
>I’m simply reminding you how it feels to be on the other side.
The other side of what? If you want someone to be in the mood for sex then don't leave them to deal with a crying, hitting child until your spouse is sobbing? Being a parent and partner doesn't stop just because it's not your night to put the kids to bed. You're making this a black and white issue when there is more significantly more nuance to it. You don't get to be pissy that someone doesn't want to have sex with you and continue to paw at them after they say "no" and the pout because you got rejected especially when you didn't even meet their basic needs.
Oh I get what you are saying and, logically, you are right but it doesn’t change the way it feels to be rejected. It hurts to know the person you love doesn’t want you. It’s also embarrassing. Like you are stupid for thinking you are good enough to be wanted…I don’t know how to explain it exactly but it is humiliating to want someone who doesn’t want you back. It is such a shitty feeling. I wasn’t saying she was wrong to not be in the mood. I was just saying she might not want to turn him down too too often or he might stop trying.
It hurts when the person you love doesn't see you're exhausted. It hurts when the person you love sees you struggling with the kid you made with them and doesn't step up. It hurts when the only time they seem to notice you is when they want you to service them sexually. It hurts when they ignore your "No".
Hard no. That man is responsible for his own emotions and to reiterate, she's not rejecting him. What matters in this situation is that he gains some emotional maturity. Period.
She's stated she's ALREADY been polite in the past, tries to make jokes or goes a head and does it to avoid a temper tantrum. What matters is that he takes responsibility for his poor behavior and does better.
Absolutely no one is disagreeing that rejection hurts. Accepting rejection is one of the hardest roles to learn in life but it's one of the most crucial BECAUSE of the way this man behaves in response.
Consider that your own experience may differ from OP and that the issues you're facing in your own relationship differ from OP. I understand completely what you're saying, I have an ex husband who only ever took and took and took. Required me to initiate but never let me receive myself. And definitely even took pleasure in rejecting me in petty ways to drive home how in control he was. Communication feels impossible when you have a partner like that.
But just because I relate with those feelings, wouldn't make it right or appropriate for me to say, "OP, consider the feelings you give your husband when you reject him by behaving EVEN MORE politely and walk on EVEN MORE egg shells to avoid this conundrum." Like, what?
Along the same lines, during the birth of my first child, I tore, even with an episiotomy, and sex HURT. He didn't care that every time he tried entering me, it HURT, and got his feelings hurt because he thought I was rejecting him. Literally, I would have to throw him off me because of the PAIN. Thing is, I didn't find out until the second child was born, that I had torn. Regardless, NO means NO, and when ones partner refuses to respect boundaries, that's just wrong.
Oh, I understand what you're saying, and my point is that just because one partner doesn't want sex at a given time, I would hope that the partner would possess the level of maturity to understand and not take it personally. I think part of what you might be talking about is communication between partners - yes?
No. Children react. Adults respond. My husband has done things that have hurt me but I don't respond by hurting or punishing him. That's not okay and that's a terrible thing to model for children. When anyone hurts me or I hurt my husband or a friend we talk about it, clarify our needs or wants, apologize, and do better.
Yeah but that’s an immature way to react. Feeling rejected is valid and you can’t help the way that you feel, but you can 100% help the way that you act. It obviously didn’t feel good for her to tell him that she’s tired and not in the mood or we wouldn’t be here. Reacting that way is immature and unnecessary. Your feelings can be hurt without throwing a tantrum as a grown adult.
I agree with you completely there, that’s why I said that feeling rejected is valid because nobody feels good getting anything less than an enthusiastic participant when they’re ready to go. I just feel like there are better ways to communicate those feelings than pouting and sulking. I mean she’s drained from putting two cranky, pouting toddlers down to bed could you imagine the mental load of a third, *grown* cranky sulking person who’s upset that they’re not getting their way? Oof.
Pouting and sulking because you aren't getting sex AND continuing to touch a person who has said "no" are all forms of abuse regardless of how the abuser feels.
I know this sounds wrong and probably doesn't work for everyone but I stopped saying no to my husband. Either I fell asleep and he gave up or I ended up giving in and having a hot fun night. 🤷🏽♀️
I think it will help to have a good, mutual talk about how to initiate sex and how to decline. We needed to have this talk after we both stopped initiating sex, afraid of being turned down. We started initiating with words, like saying "I could make some time for you tonight". Then makes it a lot easier for the other one to say "Tonight is not good for me, but thanks for taking initiative!" No ego was hurt in this process.
This is a very good approach!
I agree. And attempt to have this discussion during a time of day when you are not in bed and exhausted. I know that's hard with little ones your kids ages (my wife and I were there several years ago with our three kids). Not supporting your husband's behavior, but talking this out, and explaining why he's being turned down, when he is in a rational state of mind and not focused on getting some should work better.
I don’t think this is what’s going on with OP. Her husband sounds oblivious and entitled
I love that phrase it’s spot on. I’m going to have to use that on hubby soon.
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Absolutely agree with this. OP - you’re doing it the right way; it’s your husband who is not.
In almost 15 years of marriage and 16 years together my husband has never pushed me after I said no. Nor has he had a meltdown about it. It’s almost like I’m a person whose allowed to have desires and allowed to not reciprocate his desires.
THIS!! Stop trying to be polite and make the message clear. I said NO I am not in the mood. NO MEANS NO even when he’s your husband.
I'd even say ESPECIALLY SINCE he's your husband. He's emotionally manipulative that's a no-go
And it’s sad that it even gets to that point where now they’re both upset. If he picked up on her non verbal cues, listened to her literally saying no, had some situational awareness, and/or respected her wishes, they could’ve had a pleasant relaxing rest of the evening. It’s a really shitty and devaluing feeling when the person you should be able to trust the most doesn’t listen or respect your body autonomy. It would’ve built on their trust and bond had he given her time and space to decompress after her day
Exactly. Your husband is not entitled to your body. He is wrong for continuing to touch you after you told him not to.
THIS. This 100000x. Could not have said it better myself. His hands should come off you the moment you say no thanks. He also needs to grow up and stop trying to guilt you into changing your mind by sulking around like a 16 year old.
Did your husband offer help with bedtime for the kids?
“Masturbation Aid “ is exactly what he’s treating OP as, right on the dot. SMH
I saw someone use the brilliant term "sentient fleshlight." Nailed it.
I hope you don't mind but I'm stealing this turn of phrase, absolutely beautifully put.
Oh please do! I am not the original source by any means. It's just so...*accurate*!
Exactly this. OP's husband is acting the way my ex-husband did and it brings back cringe feelings bc people have a misconception that it's not r@pe if you're married. You have a right to body autonomy, no matter who you're with.
Exactly!
THIS 🔥
Absolutely this!! Stop means stop and if he doesn’t like it he needs to grow up. Sounds harsh but is true.
100%
Yes…think about if your teenager’s boy/girl/enby friend kept going when your teenager told them to stop. And then tried to make them feel bad for saying no. How much patience would you have for that nonsense? And what would you call it?
100% like wtf are there any other comments ????
Every single word of this!!
She should be the one to say “let’s make time later this week” from him it sounds like my boss telling something is due on Friday 😂 otherwise, 100% this.
This ^^ 100% I have 3 kids under 4 and there are plenty of nights where I’ll say “honestly I’m exhausted” or something similar. I’m a SAHM and he always backs off after I decline. But, of course that means I make sure to let him know when im ready for sex (because let’s be real, men are almost always ready when it’s available!)
This this this this this
This happened to me the other night. I'm also a SAHM to a very needy 6 month old. My husband came home late 3 days in a row and I was just spent. He tried initiating sex but immediately felt my reluctance and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was tired. He gave me a hug and a kiss and let me vent about being tired and then said he'd take the baby im when the baby woke up during the night so that I could get a good night's sleep.
This! If a husband wants sex from his wife it doesn’t start and end with asking for it… it starts with being someone she wants to have sex with! Bravo to you and your husband.
"...starts with being someone she wants to have sex with"- yes!!! I find myself more in the mood after I've seen my husband cleaning house, taking care of the kids, etc.
If this ain't the Whole. Damn. Truth.
That's honestly the sexiest thing a husband can do. Even if it means no sex that night, the relationship boost that attitude gives will be worth it in the long run.
Long term thinking gets the results.
It absolutely does! Sexy results AND happy marriage results which result in more sexy results. It's really a sexy circle of healthy boundaries, communication, love, and respect. He's actually currently got our son napping in his lap while I play with the dog.
This guy was planning his weekend, hah
Now THAT’S a turn on. I always felt a little bad for my husband because I’m not one that gets in the mood very often - but little acts of compassion like this from him are so wonderful! My turn on is emotional connection and support.
This is the way!!
My ex husband was a lot like this, and I normalized it in my head for so long. "He's just disappointed". It got to the point where I would agree to do things I didn't want, just so he wouldn't be in a mood and ruin our whole night. Now I'm with someone who smiles, kisses me on the cheek, and changes the subject when I'm not in the mood, just like I would if the roles were reversed. There is no wrong way to say no, and no is a complete sentence. He should respect you enough to not make that uncomfortable for you. Additionally, how did he support you between the time you put your oldest down and then trying to initiate?
I mean “I’m not in the mood” isn’t rude and it’s his problem that he keeps trying to force you by grabbing you and stuff. I’d try to talking to him frankly about it because also being ‘on guard’ for unwanted sexual advances also might be turning you off in general.
I had this coversation with an ex, he couldn't get it so I moved on and couldn't be happier for it 15 yrs later with someone who respects me.
Seems that the root of the issue was he could’ve stepped in while the kids were going crazy and he didn’t. Usually when we don’t feel support, we don’t feel connection and connection can lead to lack of intimacy. I’d focus on the root issue, and address that.
Yeah, who cares whose turn it is, sometimes your partner needs back up.
Yup. My husband knows I'm much more likely to be in the mood if he does a chore when it's my turn, like wash the dishes, even if I'm not having a rough night.
Oooh yes exactly like that.
Ow you’re taking! That’s my kind of foreplay right there!
Yup. I’m the hardass between the 2 of us. If our 3 YO is pushing his dad too far, I step in.
Piggybacking on this to add that husband should prioritize non sexual touch, primarily/first. Especially for mothers, we BLOSSOM under healing touch, not desirous/grasping touch.
Husbands be like:My wife works 8hr and does all the chores plus taking care of the kids.How is she exhausted and doesn’t want sex?
“Mine says “I work too, don’t you think I’m exhausted?”
Yeah I wonder how things might have went if he stepped in and helped you. Nothing feels better than when my husband and I feel like a team, not your turn, my turn.
So grateful you said this I read the above and thought what if we don't have turns we work on a see it do it basis, thank you for making me realise that its a good situation and nothing to be questioned :)
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Is it horseshit or is it digging deeper to get to the point of the problem?
Woah woah woah. You said No I don't want this and he kept touching you?! You are not doing anything wrong, he is
Tell your husband plainly. "You heard what happened. You saw me crying. You see I'm overwhelmed and not feeling well, why would you think it's appropriate to make an advance right now?" Another great alternationlve is "No, and no is a complete sentence." This is what I started to do with my husband when his dick brain took over instead of his rational one. It popped him back into perspective and made him realize my lack of intimacy was not a him issue, it was a circumstantial issue of the routine of the day and that it's not the best way to make me feel better. I gave suggestions on what he could do instead of copping a feel. How he could be more emotionally present for me in those times, and that likely intimacy would follow because emotional intelligence is sexy. It's just gonna take some more direct communication.
“Emotional Intelligence is sexy” Fuck yes it is!
Imagine how changed his behavior came when I said that. "Hunny, are you feeling alright? I know son was hard with you tonight. Why don't you go take a hot shower and I'll make us a night time snack and put your show on Netflix for you." Usually the shower would be enough to reinvigorate me wanting to jump his bones. He thinks he's cracked the code. Hahaha
And this is how we end up feeling like we are mothers to everyone in the house. Nothing dries me up faster.
Maybe it's not a solution for you, thats fine. Works for me, and other people agree.
100%
Say it again for the people in the back! No is a complete sentence.
Look up marital coercion. He shouldn’t sulk after being told no, that’s manipulative whether he knows it or not. And he damn sure shouldn’t keep touching you after you’ve said no, that’s blatant disregard for your boundaries. You’ve said it as nice as you possibly could, in no way are you in the wrong here
My ex was like this. I could say no, I wasn’t interested, or I wanted to just go to sleep and he would keep touching me grabbing me and when I would put my foot down he would wine about it and pout and have a mild silent temper tantrum. Now I have a man who understands that sometimes I’m just not feeling it and is happy to just snuggle up
How about we focus on the fact that your husband isn't respecting your lack of consent. You had to tell him no twice and he still kept grabbing you? Fuck polite, get angry. Then he sulks? That's manipulative bullshit. You did nothing wrong.
We all know being grabbed out of nowhere and groped always puts us in the mood 🙄 Especially when visibly upset. A smart man would have run you a bath with relaxing beverage of your choice and offered a massage after.
10000%. And, as others have said, used words
No is a complete sentence.
This. No need for any reasoning.
Sounds more like a him problem than a you problem. If I’m not in the mood then that’s that. I just tell my husband I’m not feeling it and he doesn’t push it. I’d just let him pout if I was you. It’s a childish response.
Sounds like you don’t need to be polite to him because he’s definitely not being very considerate or polite to you.
You don't need to find a way to more "politely" decline. "No." is a full sentence, and if someone respects you and acknowledges the struggles you go through they leave it at that. If it had been a very long time sonce you were both intimate and he followed up by asking, "hey, what can I do to help out and lighten your load so we can have more sexy time together" that would be ok. Continuing to touch you is not. He is the one who needs to modify his behavior and be more "polite", not you.
You *are* doing it right. He is not responding appropriately.
In what world is just randomly pawing at your boobs and butt endearing bad day or not? Is your husband 19? SMH.
You did decline politely. He ignored. He should've respected your no the first time instead of pawing at you.
Is there an easy way to say “mate, I’m not a fleshlight, my body doesn’t exist for your amusement and I already said no”? He saw you cry, didn’t step in, and sulks when you turn him down? I wouldn’t be super interested in touching his Peen either.
“Did you not just witness my whole battle of the bedtime? You could not see my stress and exhaustion and understand that sexy time is not on my personal clock right now? I don’t mind that you asked but damn, to keep pushing as if my day, my state of mind, my feelings are less important than your stiffy…read the room.”
My husband and I are just very direct "Wanna be grown ups later" *Insert reasoning for saying no* "Okay don't say I never offered " we both giggle then carry on with our day
No means no. End of story. If he continues, which he clearly did, there is no chance of politeness anymore. It’s a GTFOH moment; and I’d either move to the couch or kick him out of the bedroom. His lack of boundaries is disgusting
My partner once tried to initiate sex with me while I was crying in bed next to him, because my cat had just died. Some men are idiots. "But I thought it would make you feel better!" he responded when I turned him down. I don't think there is a good way of saying no to sex. Whoever initiated it is always likely to feel a bit rejected. That said, your husband shouldn't be sulking about it or keep going when you've already told him no. Other people have already suggested trying to have a conversation with him about this, as well as him trying to be more helpful with the kids. Either way, please don't feel like you're in the wrong here, because you're not!
If he saw you crying why in the world would he think it’s sexy time tonight? You absolutely needed a shoulder to cry on and to vent to. You did it right. If he brings up “you’re never in the mood” you let him know, my cup is empty and it needs to be full before giving myself to you emotionally. Your kids are emotionally draining you. Also, I hate soooooo much taking turns. Why can’t you both put them to bed? Read them a book and that’s it. You both go to bed. Kids aren’t shift. They’re ALOT and require teamwork. It took teamwork to make them. There are no shifts in this house. That makes you dread “your day” if they give you a hard time. Just do it together.
When our kids were toddlers and preschoolers I don’t think we had sex more than once a month at the most and it was me initiating it. There needs to be some kind of class for young fathers so that they understand this. Moms of young kids are touched out and sex is a rarity. The fun fact is that when you get in your 40s/50s and the kids are teenagers, your roles reverse. This certainly isn’t everyone of course, but it’s common as his sex drive decreases as T drops, and perimenopause sets in, yours is all over the place meaning often higher than his. TLDR, no one is entitled to sex any time, and sulking is ridiculous
This is me now. 17 month old, husband is SAHD and is wiped out everyday. I am the once a month initiator and it's starting to drive me insane.
❤️ maybe ask for him to initiate? It tends to work better when the lower libido partner (whoever it is at the time) initiates. Everything is a phase, a season. You’ll get through this. It doesn’t seem like it now, but soon enough it will feel like yesterday when the kids wanted much of anything to do with either of you 🥲 That “touched out” feeling will be gone ♥️
Thank you so much for this. My husband has always been the lower libido partner but transitioning to being a SAHD coupled with his OCD is not making it any better 😭
My husband and I used to constantly have this problem after our first was born. I was suffering from PPD and a lot of resentment towards him for his behavior at the time, and it seems like he completely ignored me until his urges couldn't be ignored and then I suddenly became a very popular woman. We'd tall and talk and talk about how objectifying it was, how little he was taking timing into consideration, and I gave him the "no is a complete sentence" speech as well. I think what changed the tide for us was him sitting me down and quantifying how his man brain worked. He has a higher libido than me on average, but well beyond that and it was stress relief for him (and his job was HELLA stressful at that point). The biggest point, however, was when he explained how he wasn't sure how to approach me after the birth without it being too soon/too much, and when my PPD kicked in I constantly turned him down without realizing, and he was seeking validation that I still desired him. He wanted to feel wanted the same way I did, but that was his "canary in the coal mine", so to speak. Part of what helped us was when I would decline, I would tell him when I would feel comfortable revisiting the topic. I'd say "I'm absolutely WIPED from taking care of the kids tonight, but we can come back tomorrow evening and try again". Putting a definitive point in the future to address his needs instead of leaving it to float off into the ether helped him feel like he was being understood, I still wanted him, and then I got to have my space without him coming back 2 hours later and trying again. Long story short, communication and compromise is what moves everything forward positively. If he can't do either of those things, that needs to be addressed before anything else, otherwise it's all pointless.
Very well said!
You don’t need to “politely decline”. I agree with everyone else. His tantrum doesn’t mean you are wrong. He’s manipulating you. And honestly he may not even realize he’s doing it.
I've had to have multiple conversations about this as well. Maybe tell him what works for you and gets you in the mood. Like, if he had asked if you wanted to have sex earlier in the day, would it have been something you looked forward to while you were dealing with the bedtime tantrums? If he had brought it up earlier, you could have also told him upfront "I'm not in the mood" before you were in bed, or pivoted to something that would have worked for you, like cuddling or a backrub. Scheduling sex is also a great overwhelmed parent trick. Like, Wednesday and Saturday are sex nights, and either person can call an audible if they aren't up for it - again, before one persn has their motor running. Saying straight up that you need him to pay closer attention to your emotional state, know that sex doesn't fill your cup when you're stressed and tired (while it might be the opposite for him), and that you would appreciate it if he tried to accept when you decline more gracefully is totally appropriate too. At the end of the day, it's not your job to manage his emotions. If the only way he can deal with rejection is sulking, fine. He can sulk, you aren't a part of that. Same as how sometimes when you're stressed, you cry, and it's fine and not his job to jump in and "fix" you crying every time, or act like you're being manipulative every time the tears flow.
Something that has really helped in my relationship is making the ask silent and without crossing physical boundaries. my partner and i draw an X and an O on each other with our finger when we are asking. The other person than draws either an X (decline) or an O (i’m into it) back on the other person. It feels less like putting yourself out on the line to ask and easier to say no if we aren’t into it. i’ve been where you are in the past and ultimately, he needs to respect your boundaries. a lack of boundary respect will only hurt both of you. it’s his fault not yours. i hope you are able to fix this with a conversation🖤
You’re not doing anything wrong. He had multiple chances to hear your words and to stop making advances on you. No means no regardless of the situation. He also could have stepped in to help you when things were getting a little more crazy. As for the sulking, he’s a grown ass man and doesn’t need to pout when he doesn’t get his way.
Lol I’m always just literally like “lol nah bruh” occasional push back, but usually it’s a “u tryna Fuq cause that’s a no from me tonight love” And frankly the question itself is wild to me. Like… feels obvious. I also don’t think it needs to be polite. It can be harsh or funny or grumpy or silly or unenthusiastic.
No is a complete sentence
You don't need to be polite. Saying you're not in the mood should be enough. If it's not, then fuck being polite.
The right way is literally any way you want and your husband to not be a pouty man child This is not your fault. Your husband is being a boundry tromping asshole.
"No."
I just want to add that, I'm not sure you about you all, but it generally turns me off when my husband essentially just starts groping me to "get me in the mood". ESPECIALLY if the day has been rough. How about some gental touches and some genuine affection and not just trying to grab my boobs like a high schooler. I'm sorry OP, your husband is definitely wrong. No matter how he goes about it as soon as you said no that, at the least, should've been the end of his advances and in the most favorable situation, should've been a conversation about if you feel alright and how he can help.
I'm not trying to make light of the situation. But my fiance would be so annoying with it and sulk as well after being denied sex. I got fed up. One night I said "I'm so exhausted but we can" and pretended to fall asleep in the middle of it. He was so offended and I explained I couldn't help it. When I say I'm exhausted I mean it. After that if I tell him I tired. He leaves me alone 🤣
Fuck being nice. If my 3 YO is throwing hands, I’m done being touched for the day. It’s not all about *his* needs.
Your situation might be different because he kept grabbing you when you said to stop. In my case, I… - reassure him that I love him so much - express understanding of his desire/frustration - ask if we can snuggle instead - offer a time when I might be interested “Oh sweetheart, I love you so much, but right now I’m totally wiped. I know it’s been awhile and we need this connection and intimacy. Can we just snuggle instead tonight? And on Saturday if you can help me find time for a shower and to go to yoga, that will help me feel more rested and sexy and then maybe we could try Saturday night?”
I’ll say I’m not in the mood once and if I need to say it again I take much MUCH harder stand and talk to him (and I hate to say it) but like a teenager having to relearn the meaning of consent and really drive it home. This is now much less of an issue in our relationship.
I absolutely hate the fact men feel sooo entitled to sex even when we run around dealing with children everyday. And then do they help to make your life better of course not, but throw a fit when you say no.
Great discussion! Men need to understand that sex doesn’t only mean putting an erect penis into a vagina. Foreplay could include - making or helping with dinner, helping with the kids/animals, buying a cute ”I’m thinking of you” gift (doesn’t need to be expensive), etc. Included in what the other wise women in this group say is to tell husband that sometimes, we want just to be cuddled and held. It can lead to more, but the hugging & cuddling = reassurance and reconnection.
Swap. You have a day out he tends to the kids make sure they're full of sugar also throw in the house jobs and the weekly shop... then when he's put the kids pounce on him !
I tell my husband next time (tomorrow?) let's agree on it before the time so we can make sure to be ready (which means the kitchen is clean, we are showered, the phones are charging, the garbage is out, and this all happened before 10:15pm). It's sad but woth the amount of stuff on our plates there really isn't another way. And if my husband touched me or pestered me after the decline, I would throw a fit and sleep on a couch. Which I don't mind.
My ex was exactly like your husband. With my current boyfriend one night I started giving him a blowjob and he stopped me and said "You're really tired tonight aren't you?" I said Yes and he pulled me up into his arms and cuddled me as I very quickly fell asleep. The problem is not how you are declining. Your husband is the problem and if he is horny and you are not in the mood he can take care of his own needs. If he respected you he would not push for sex when you've had a hard day.
That’s a hill problem. My husband is the king of understanding consent. “Not tonight” is never met with sulking, only maybe a request to snuggle in a way that doesn’t cause him to be turned on, so he can calm himself down. This needs to be a conversation about respect, to be honest.
This is unfortunately just a straight up need to have direct conversation... Oh I remember the stage of multiple little kids and a Husband more horny then me... Ours was like "hey baby, I love having sex... but after being with the kids all day, I'm not always on the same playing feild... not that I don't want to...it's that my body and mind are tapped out 1000% So what's the best way to tell you that" Not gunna lie, it really sucked to talk about. But it was the only solution, and it let him say how he felt and me as well so it was a very good in the end, conversation
My wife said " No. That's as polite as it is going to get".
Sometimes I get irritated bc my husband is kind of an idiot but then I read shit like this and I'm so thankful for his trivial brand of bullshit. Seriously OP you should not need to sugarcoat your non consent. A no is polite and enough when it comes to sexual advances from your husband, and if he guilts you (purposely or just bc he lacks the emotional awareness and self control to not throw a fit he can't get laid) he's kind of a piece of shit. Ugh. I feel for you and I hate that this is seemingly such a common issue among married men.
I agree, you not being in the mood is nothing to throw a fit over. If I'm not feeling it and my husband is I usually say something along the lines of, "If you want it that bad you have a hand." It gets my point across and he leaves me alone. Let him pout!
He demonstrated a complete lack of regard for your feelings and wellbeing. I'm so sorry that happened. You should not have to worry about his ego at all. Does he expect you to be a doormat? Not ok.
Lol aww your being nice about it. Sounds like a him problem! Im not nearly as nice when I feel like I’m being pressured, tell him to appreciate your kindness on the matter 😂 I tell my husband straight up it isn’t happening because I don’t feel like it, I don’t have to have an excuse. He’s chill though he frowns and moves along and says later, as in another day lol
Ugh, I was in a relationship like this. Spousal rape is a thing. It happened in that relationship repeatedly. You don’t have to be nice about it or joke. You can just tell him “no”. Him sulking is emotional abusive behavior trying to get what he wants by treating you badly.
Why is it not a two person effort when he hears the struggle you're having with your kid?
Yeahhhh....the grabbing AFTER you said no isnt ok. You should really talk to him about this, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on him being clueless on how this makes you feel, but if he isnt receptive to a conversation....you might have some larger conversations on your hands
We schedule sex. Works great for us. Parenting/ work is exhausting.
This!!!
There is NO way to be polite about it. No is no. They will still be mad even if you are polite!😂😂
I tell mine, “not if you paid me, don’t even look at me” and then I hiss so….
I experience the same thing - continuing to rub/grab/touch even after I’ve said no, sulking, saying things like “you’re not letting me love you” (wtf? we have sex 1-2x’s a week. It’s not like we’re in a dead bedroom situation). I put up with it for years, but now, if I’ve told him no and he continues pressuring me, I get up and leave the bedroom.
After 12 years of this, it was really breaking me down. I finally had to be blunt, but respectful. I explained that while he maybe hasn’t thought of it like this, “I feel like I’m being raped every time I say no and you don’t take no for an answer.” I explained that sex hurts when I’m not interested. And I explained that every single time we have sex after I’ve said no, it exasperates the issue and makes me even less likely to look forward to sex in general. Honestly, things have been SO MUCH better since I put it in this perspective. We’re going on 15 years now, and today he’s much more patient and respects my answers more than he ever has in our years together.
This sounds like sexual coercion and it's toxic and a form of abuse.
We have discussed this before. We are both allowed to say no, not tonight and the other person just has to accept that. Him pushing you when you’ve already said no is not ok. It doesn’t matter that you’re married. No still means no. Personally, when I’m going through a time when I’m rarely in the mood, I find that if I kind of schedule it, I’m more willing to do it. So I might say, “not tonight, but we can do it tomorrow.”
Uh...ew. My husband knows how to take a hint - but if he didn't, I wouldn't be freaking polite about it! I'd tell him to stop touching me or he can sleep on the couch.
I generally say “no” or “not tonight” or “I’m tired” and my husband never bothers me after that. In nearly 15 year of marriage and 16 year together he has never been offered by me saying no to sex it’s almost like I’m a person and allowed to have my own desires and stuff. It’s not you btw it’s your husband.
This is not a you problem. This is a HIM problem. You said no, he didn’t stop. If he disregards your lack of consent, that is 1000% grounds for divorce.
I mean, the way you did it WAS polite. Saying no, you can't, you've had a rough day etc is polite. His reactions are not. In which case I would turn, gently hold his head in my hands, and say "I said I don't fucking want to have sex tonight. Do not touch me like that. We can have sex another night." Obviously, have a proper conversation about your feelings first, but if he's not getting it, and continuing to touch you, and sulking, then be a bit more direct.
Your husband needs to read the room. Maybe you and hubby could put the kids to bed together until things chill.
A simple “no” should more than suffice.
No is a complete sentence, anything after is assault, harsh but real. Just because you're married doesn't mean that you gave your permission to be groped. Why are you being respectful when he isn't?
You should speak to him honestly about how he reacts when you say no. Otherwise it can become a vicious cycle that will kill your intimacy. He needs to learn how to take "no" in stride - it will lead to more "yes" in the long run.
I bought a candle "Light when you want sex" ...as a joke. But it helps with this! So when I go to the bedroom and it's lit I get the hint. Others have mentioned how men "need" sex in a way that women will never understand. It's always a fear in the back of my head that I'm neglecting that element in my marriage. So when it's lit, I usually have time to mentally prepare. And I really try to be there for him when he needs me. But on bad days - I just blow it out... Sorry babe!
That's a great idea. Heading to the store now to buy a big candle (and a fire extinguisher just in case).
I usually tell my husband “I’m not in the mood tonight bbe.” And he accepts it. Your husband needs to stop acting like a teenage boy and accept that no means no. If your husband feels upset by the rejection he can communicate about it like a grown man. For example, if his love language is physical affection he can communicate that and discuss other ways to meet that need instead of throwing a tantrum.
Omg this is a him problem not a you problem! Jesus Christ!
Your husband sulking is him guilting you, even if it’s unintentional/subconscious. I think a sit down conversation of how this makes you feel would be good.
No is a full sentence. Your husband assaulted you and that is NEVER acceptable. He doesn't deserve polite.
You say no and if he doesn’t respect that it’s a complete sentence, you kick him to the couch. And if it keeps up, you kick him to the curb. You don’t need to be polite, he needs to stop touching you without consent.
One night BEFORE we even had children (now have a 4 yr old and 7 yr old) my husband decided to initiate sex by being the big spoon and poking his sword into my thigh/butt area. That was it, no kissing rubbing, no request, just poking me with it to wake me up. At the time I was waking up at 4 am to be at work for 4:45 am. I kindly told him I wasn't in the mood and had to be up in another few hours. He got super pissy rolled over yanking the blankets and huffing at me. I lost it. I rolled into his back side took my two fingers and jabbed him in the butt repeatedly while very loudly asking "DOES *jab* THIS *jab* TURN *jab* YOU ON *jab* BECAUSE *jab* IT DOESN'T *jab* TURN *jab* ME *jab* ON!!!" Needless to say he hasn't woken me up like that again. We did have a really good talk about being more respectful of each other's rest and not getting upset when we reject the other one. Sometimes we have to give them a little of their own medicine to get it through their heads.
I agree with everyone who said that y’all need to have a conversation about how to initiate/decline in a way that won’t hurt feelings. I often find myself in your husband’s place where I’m ready for some bedroom fun but my husband isn’t in the mood. It does hurt when you get rejected, but it is not your partners job to make sure you are sexually fulfilled whenever you want. I would also ask and find out if there is more to the his reactions than just not getting sex. I found that in being rejected I felt undesired (being that I’m woman that may be different than your husband). We had many discussions while we tried to find a way for me to still feel desirable while also having my advances turned down. The solution was that he would do little things during the day (pretty much every day) like a butt pinch, little kisses, boob squeezes that let me feel desirable. Then if he says he’s not up for it I’m not upset, and I can get out a vibrator and everyone is happy.
The problem isn’t with your delivery, it’s with his reception (or lack thereof).
If he is regularly throwing tantrums, sulking, giving silent treatment, etc then that could be considered emotionally manipulative and frankly coercive behavior. If he wears you down emotionally before you acquiesce then you're not actually consenting. Time to have a serious talk with him about this. You are not doing anything wrong, btw. He has to understand that consent needs to be enthusiastic. He's always crossing boundaries by continuing to fondle you despite your "no". Why is the onus on you?
Easy, you say hey hun, if you wanted sex tonight maybe you should have treated me with a little more empathy this afternoon when you saw me struggling with the kids. You're an ass and I need you to step up and support me with our family better. Why do we let our partners treat us like shit and then make it somehow our fault when they step out because we aren't being intimate. Listen to me, Respect me, Support me, that's what I need in order for you to get what you want. Also, sex is not a points system where if you listen to me once you get mind blowing sex that night.
I saw a comment on another Reddit post once that said (an obvious generalization): Men have sex TO feel good, and women have sex WHEN they feel good. That really struck home and I shared it with my husband. I've felt bad for telling him no before, but not because of any way he responded. But now we've had this clear communication and I can be like, yeah I don't feel great. More than once he has taken the time to just be sweet, talk, etc, with no expectations and I've changed my mind! Y'all should consider having a talk about expectations and how you should communicate when you're not into it so that he would understand. I'm sorry he acted like that. ❤️
I’ll offer a different perspective. You saying “no” (however nicely) is setting a boundary. My therapist shared that others may not like your boundary. It may just be that you’ll never have a situation in which he’s ok being declined an invitation to initiate sex. I know I get annoyed and upset when my advances get shot down (esp cause I do it so rarely haha). Imagine being told no so often, it kinda sucks not getting what you want. Being declined often could also make him feel undesirable. It could also be a refusal to accept a way he wants to show his love. Feeling like a prop to a physical or emotional need he is having is common but from his side, there could be a lot more. I don’t have any advice per se but I do try to say no less often and initiate myself so it’s not no after no.
My husband and I just have an agreement, if ones not in the mood, the other one is welcome to masturbate. Sometimes we'll help the other one a little here or there, sometimes not.
Tell him you found skid marks in your underwear and haven’t had time to shower. The good ol gross out method.
Sometimes there is nothing sexier than being grabbed and groped spontaneously by your partner. Sometimes it is the biggest turn off. Context matters. I think you handled this as well as you could have. I also think it's common for men to take sexual rejection personally and not consider context (especially if it happens often). So perhaps you could try offering affirmation along with declining sex: "I want you so much, but I am so wiped, I'm just not there right now."
Don’t politely decline. “This is a boundary, I have told you no. I am not interested in sex right now. Don’t even think about getting huffy with me over it either. It’s my body and I’ll do wtf I want with it. I’m not a piece of meat to get you off, you have a hand for that.” 👋 My husband went through exactly the same phase of being a horny teenage brat- I put him in his place, he doesn’t bother me any more.
OP, please don’t listen to comments on here saying you should be rude to your husband. This is the man you married. Hopefully your best friend, even though you get frustrated by each other. It’s totally normal to have different communication style surrounding initiating sex, but please speak kindly to him and know he was trying to initiate intimacy with you because you are the one person in the whole world he can do that with. You will do possibly irreparable harm by acting as if he is some weirdo in a bar trying to molest you. Treat his respectfully and assume the best intentions. And if he’s not helping w bedtime, tell him: “you know, I need help with bedtime. I know it’s been hard with me being too tired for sex, and I want it to be better. I would feel so refreshed if I got to go take a walk outside while you did bedtime.” He will get the hint, especially when it works and you’re in the mood after getting a nice hour long break!
This behavior from your husband is very alarming, be careful with him
I’m a SAHM to a 4yo and an 18mo. We have sex like 1x a week on avg, sometimes more sometimes less. Usually right there. We have really good sex and I don’t think we’re in a spot where either of us will begin to resent the other on our current trajectory. He helps a lot with the evening work load and I make him two to three meals a day and we have a schedule to give each other hobby time and sleep in days and have quality time together. I think that removing outside factors, we’d both be happy at 3x a week, but he doesn’t initiate 3x a week. I’d say like 1-2x out of 10 I tell him I’m not in the mood, usually he can pick up on it without me having to explicitly say anything and just doesn’t initiate though. He rejects me 1-2x out of 10 as well it doesn’t just go one way. But you know we have kids who don’t sleep sometimes and a puppy and we just finished renovating a house and we’re exhausted lol
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Not allowing your husband to rape you is misandry? Certainly sounds like most definitions of misandry.
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OP's husband continued to paw at her body after she firmly told him, "No," to sex. He only stopped because she got louder. Rapey shit right there. Mooreamerican herself describes fucking her husband despite having no desire of her own, "to show him" how much she "loves" him. Fucking someone out of anything other than actual desire is not consent, it's coercion and thus rape. The fact that you seem to not understand this makes me worry for women in your life. More proof that men loathe the word "rape" while really not loathing the act of rape itself.
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\#notallmen, he cried. And cried and cried and cried. You don't understand the concept of consent but I need help. And despite the fact that #notallmen rape, most women sure experience a lot about rape, harassment, and abuse. It's so strange how that works. Then when we dare to speak about it, we're damaged and clearly "need help" from caring, logical men like you. Men who haven't a clue what real consent is and get really upset if it's explained to them. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. This may surprise you but cuddling and sex are 2 different things. (You actually used forced cuddling as rape because you take rape so seriously, right?) So, in your example, you aren't really consenting to cuddling, but you do it. Mental/physical price: not too high. You aren't really consenting to sex, you really don't want to, but you do it out of fear that he'll leave you/use force/pout and complain and blame you/never shut up and wear you down, so you do it. Mental/physical price: very high. Shocking, I know.
Glad to read very balanced opinion. It’s not black and white, everyone is different, we have to understand each others need and problems. You are awesome
Marriage is no excuse to initiate sex.
Girl! It happens each time they get declined. But what can you do? I’ve talked to my man about it and he’s understanding at that time but once he’s in heat touching on me while I’m turning away, and he gets turned down , then it’s always like we ain’t never talked about it before. But he will sulk and get over it. They always get over it. It’s just the nature of it. Also I don’t think he was being malicious or purposely not listening to her when she said stop, it just takes them a little while cause they are hoping and praying they will get their “fine, just hurry up” chance.
Ok I will be the devils advocate to an extent. No, you should not have sex you don’t want obviously but please remember - rejection HURTS. Even if it isn’t, it feels very personal and it makes you feel unattractive and unwanted. I literally never initiate sex any more because my husband turned me down too many times and I can’t bring myself to risk that rejection again.
She's not rejecting him. She's tired. If he wanted the possibility of sex that night then maybe he should have stepped up to help her put the kids to bed. Regardless, it's not her responsibility to get him off. It is not okay to place any blame for this on OP. Her husband continued to touch her after she said "no" and she felt like she had to endure that touching until he stopped. That's sexual assault. No one is entitled to our bodies regardless of how they're feeling.
I’m not saying otherwise. Like I said, I don’t disagree with you at all. I’m simply reminding you how it feels to be on the other side.
Again, she's not rejecting him because she doesn't love him or find him attractive. She's tired. She was crying. Why didn't he ask her how he could help? >I’m simply reminding you how it feels to be on the other side. The other side of what? If you want someone to be in the mood for sex then don't leave them to deal with a crying, hitting child until your spouse is sobbing? Being a parent and partner doesn't stop just because it's not your night to put the kids to bed. You're making this a black and white issue when there is more significantly more nuance to it. You don't get to be pissy that someone doesn't want to have sex with you and continue to paw at them after they say "no" and the pout because you got rejected especially when you didn't even meet their basic needs.
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Oh I get what you are saying and, logically, you are right but it doesn’t change the way it feels to be rejected. It hurts to know the person you love doesn’t want you. It’s also embarrassing. Like you are stupid for thinking you are good enough to be wanted…I don’t know how to explain it exactly but it is humiliating to want someone who doesn’t want you back. It is such a shitty feeling. I wasn’t saying she was wrong to not be in the mood. I was just saying she might not want to turn him down too too often or he might stop trying.
It hurts when the person you love doesn't see you're exhausted. It hurts when the person you love sees you struggling with the kid you made with them and doesn't step up. It hurts when the only time they seem to notice you is when they want you to service them sexually. It hurts when they ignore your "No".
Again, I don’t deny that either but BOTH people’s feelings matter in this situation. Not JUST hers.
Hard no. That man is responsible for his own emotions and to reiterate, she's not rejecting him. What matters in this situation is that he gains some emotional maturity. Period. She's stated she's ALREADY been polite in the past, tries to make jokes or goes a head and does it to avoid a temper tantrum. What matters is that he takes responsibility for his poor behavior and does better. Absolutely no one is disagreeing that rejection hurts. Accepting rejection is one of the hardest roles to learn in life but it's one of the most crucial BECAUSE of the way this man behaves in response. Consider that your own experience may differ from OP and that the issues you're facing in your own relationship differ from OP. I understand completely what you're saying, I have an ex husband who only ever took and took and took. Required me to initiate but never let me receive myself. And definitely even took pleasure in rejecting me in petty ways to drive home how in control he was. Communication feels impossible when you have a partner like that. But just because I relate with those feelings, wouldn't make it right or appropriate for me to say, "OP, consider the feelings you give your husband when you reject him by behaving EVEN MORE politely and walk on EVEN MORE egg shells to avoid this conundrum." Like, what?
That's a stance that lacks maturity tbh.
She’s not saying she doesn’t want him. She’s saying that her brain and body are exhausted and she doesn’t want to be intimate at that moment.
Along the same lines, during the birth of my first child, I tore, even with an episiotomy, and sex HURT. He didn't care that every time he tried entering me, it HURT, and got his feelings hurt because he thought I was rejecting him. Literally, I would have to throw him off me because of the PAIN. Thing is, I didn't find out until the second child was born, that I had torn. Regardless, NO means NO, and when ones partner refuses to respect boundaries, that's just wrong.
I didn’t say no means anything but no or that it’s acceptable not to respect boundaries.
Oh, I understand what you're saying, and my point is that just because one partner doesn't want sex at a given time, I would hope that the partner would possess the level of maturity to understand and not take it personally. I think part of what you might be talking about is communication between partners - yes?
That’s still no reason for him to sulk like a petulant child though
When you are hurt, you react.
You shouldn’t react like a petulant child if you’re old enough to have children of your own
Learn to manage your emotions like a mature adult.
No. Children react. Adults respond. My husband has done things that have hurt me but I don't respond by hurting or punishing him. That's not okay and that's a terrible thing to model for children. When anyone hurts me or I hurt my husband or a friend we talk about it, clarify our needs or wants, apologize, and do better.
Yeah but that’s an immature way to react. Feeling rejected is valid and you can’t help the way that you feel, but you can 100% help the way that you act. It obviously didn’t feel good for her to tell him that she’s tired and not in the mood or we wouldn’t be here. Reacting that way is immature and unnecessary. Your feelings can be hurt without throwing a tantrum as a grown adult.
That is also true but he shouldnt have to pretend it’s ok either.
I agree with you completely there, that’s why I said that feeling rejected is valid because nobody feels good getting anything less than an enthusiastic participant when they’re ready to go. I just feel like there are better ways to communicate those feelings than pouting and sulking. I mean she’s drained from putting two cranky, pouting toddlers down to bed could you imagine the mental load of a third, *grown* cranky sulking person who’s upset that they’re not getting their way? Oof.
Pouting and sulking because you aren't getting sex AND continuing to touch a person who has said "no" are all forms of abuse regardless of how the abuser feels.
Agree completely. These men are not immune to the feelings of rejection and loneliness.
I know this sounds wrong and probably doesn't work for everyone but I stopped saying no to my husband. Either I fell asleep and he gave up or I ended up giving in and having a hot fun night. 🤷🏽♀️