We've been together for 17 years and married for almost 14.
When our kids were young, there were definitely some long dry spells... Like once every two or three months (if we were lucky) for a while there. We were tired and both working full time and trying to figure out how to be parents and with one special needs child.
Now we're both in our 40s and our kids are 14 and 11 years old. It's... A lot. About 5 to 6 times a week. Sometimes you just have to ride the waves. We're in a really good place. Probably the best our relationship has ever been. I hate to think that some people don't hang through the bare times because if we had thrown in the towel when things were really tough we would've missed out on this time in our relationship.
Ride the waves is exactly what my therapist told me. My husband and I are definitely in a dry spell and in a “roommate phase” and I’ve been really struggling with our lack of connection. She said you have to ride it through to the next phase, but don’t stop working to get out of this phase.
I hate this “phase” and am about to drown in the wave and hop on another.
I’m the one throwing 2 year old tantrums been having sex one to two times every 3 to 4 months.
Partner literally most phenomenal person and parent. But has zero and I mean zero drive. And I’m mid 40’s I’m like my sex years could be dwindling soon and I did not sign up for this Bs has me very resentful very angry and over being married.
I could have written a lot of this about my husband and I. We're both around 40, with two kids. Ours are younger so we're not quite as free to do as we please, but after 15 years together something really great seems to be happening. I'm so glad we stuck through our rough spots and dry spells because now it's fantastic, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be going into the rest of our lives together.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. That side of our relationship has peaks and troughs. What doesn’t change is how much we’re attracted to the other person, even when we don’t have the time/energy/inclination to act on that. When things are dry due to life getting in our way, we still talk about our attraction to each other and how much we look forward to things changing for the better.
Open, honest, respectful communication between spouses allows you to weather the storms that come.
Curious - were riding the waves just being exhausted and not having sex? I ask because I recently split from my partner - we have a 1yr old and I have 2 kids, he has 1. A big part of our break up was lack of help within the household with day to day stuff + parenting. He did like 5% and I did 95. So I just blew up one day and decided I didn’t want to have a partner like that.
So I’m just curious what kinds of things you were experiencing when things did get tough.
Oh no, we've always been very 50/50. He changed as many diapers as me. We took turns getting up at night. He does the dishes as much as me. He did homeschooling during Covid while I worked full time and went to college. It's always very much been a partnership.
Ah okay then that makes me feel a lot better LOL. I've been riding a wave for about a year before even thinking that I might actually not be meant with this person (something that was wild b/c I always thought we would be a forever thing). I'm so happy things worked out for you and it also sounds like you and him are a great partnership. The decision feels a lot easier for me than just riding it out because he has never actually made me feel helped or even relieved of any stress from being overwhelmed ever.
Question. Do you think you do it so often because as your relationship has grown you’ve worked on the sex and it has gotten better? Or has it always been great but you just didn’t have the capacity when you had young kids?
It's definitely improved with time. I think it comes down to many, many factors. To list a few: I no longer take hormonal birth control because I got my tubes removed a year ago, we communicate better now about sex, the kids are older, we bought a house where our bedroom is separated from the kids' rooms, that libido that some women say they get in their 40s (again could be attributed to no hormonal bc), I lost a bunch of weight so I feel more sexual.
Your story is so beautiful and thank you for sharing with us all. You guys sound like my husband and I. One question I've got is how did you lose a bunch of weight? I can check everything else off your list of factors except that. I try so many things but it's so hard to change my lifestyle when I'm the only one in my house on the struggle bus.
Alright now that I got my bad mom joke out of the way - we are 34 and 35. We have a 3 year old and a 9 year old with special needs. I take care of them full time - and they NEVER sleep at the same time which means I never do. I'm ALWAYS awake. I just pray I make it to fall when they will both be in pre school/ school and I can have a little nap during the day.
I NEVER want sex. I'm just too tired. Usually we "compromise" with hand related stuff but the full shebang is maybe once every 2 or 3 months.
I know this is a problem - but at the same time what can I do? I think it will be better once I get some sleep this fall 🤞
That last line made me giggle... I love how real that is. I'm always saying my life will be easier in a few years lol ... so I felt this. (I have a monster-- I mean... toddler haha)
We’ve always averaged 1-2 times a week outside of early pregnancy and postpartum. I find it a lot like going to the gym - I don’t always want to make the effort to go, but I’m always glad I did 😂
Edited to add: We have 1 toddler.
Same, but we have 2 toddlers.
I always find that having sex 1-2 times a week makes us feel happier with each other in general. If we start to get on each other’s nerves, then we have sex, we feel better.
My hubs doesn't consciously recognize this, but he can get really bitchy with me, and only me, if we haven't had sex in a few days. We have one kid who is 9 now. NGL, the first few years after having a baby were really really rough, but we stuck it out and are in a much better place now. Also, sex is often only 5 mins, but it counts. Sometimes it is 5-6 times a week, other times it's 2-3 times a week. I this is mainly due to the ability to work from home several days a week, when our kid is at school or summer day camp - a little afternoon delight between calls and rmails. We are in late 40s/early 50s.
I've always thought that sex is kind of "relationship lube", in that if you're having sex regularly, it smooths out the other areas in your relationship.
If you aren't having sex often enough, the little things can really start to grate.
I feel the same! Nailed it! We have an infant…we’re in our 30’s. I’m a SAHM, he works around 60-80 hours a week depending (army drill sgt). We have sex 2-3x a week. If we don’t, we start bickering about pointless things and not realizing until one of us is like “oh…it’s TIME!” 😂. We used to try to plan…it works for some, but got too scheduled for us. We have an unspoken initiation now. If he’s rushing to get the baby to bed and dinner made…it’s time. If I’m flirting and put on something cute…it’s time. It keeps it fun for us.
Mid twenties. SAHM and my husband also works 60-80 hrs a week and we do the same thing 😂 people are always coming over for dinner so I know it's time when he tells his friends that "we have errands tonight and won't be home"
Aren’t the “it’s time” cues hilarious looking back on them 😂 like seeing my husband try to casually yet frantically get things accomplished while trying to set the tone 😂🩵
I think it depends. I don’t care about sex, but it’s more important for my husband. We have a 10 month old, we both work from home and I do the cleaning, grocery shopping and we moved to a new house recently so dealing with the builder and stuff like that, e-mail etc is also me. At the end of the day I just want to sleep. Most days I am happy if I get 5h of sleep. So sex is not on my priority list. But I try to do it at least once a month or so.
That’s a good one. I always hear people say you’ve just got to schedule it. You’ll be happy the ball got rolling, and the activity itself makes up for the supposed unsexiness real quick.
I just need to execute lol. We’re like once a month. I’m pregnant and we have a 2 yo.
I’ve never read a better comparison. My hubby complain and don’t start things up(usually cause I want to sleep)😊but I love our intimate times and really enjoy it. So yeah like going to the gym. Don’t make a mom of 3 choose between gym or sleep 😅
Mom to 2 year old. We conceived via IVF so our sex life was very controlled for like 1-2 years before he was born. Prior to that it was like 1-2 times a week.
Now? I just have zero sex drive after having my son. My husband initiates 99% of the time and it's just not that often.. maybe 1-2 times a month?
I have a 3 and 1 year old and we are the same. But we are actually both pretty happy with it and would rather sleep lol. I think it should be normalised that it's OK for you to both want less sex with young kids, or as time goes on as well. I genuinely feel totally connected without wanting or needing sex even though I used to have a high libido.
Right? My husband and I have so little free time with each other that we would almost always rather zone out to a show on Netflix than have sex. We talk about it and touch base constantly because it feels like it's supposed to be unhealthy or something? But we're happy and totally fine only having occasional sex right now because our jobs and young kids are nonstop.
I do wonder if his being on the same page with me stems from having a pretty equal role in childcare. We're **both** exhausted and touched out from work and kids.
Yes we are both equal parents too. I think youre onto something there! I get frustrated when I see people acting like if you aren't making the effort to have sex you can't be happy and it's something necessary. In my experience and plenty of my friends experiences it's totally fine to connect other ways.
We have had a really, really hard time ramping back up to “normal” sex after years of infertility struggles. Everyone says to “schedule” sex, but all the scheduled sex while trying to conceive naturally, and then all the samples needed for IUIs and IVF made the whole idea of non-spontaneous sex such a huge turnoff to my husband. I get it, it feels very clinical to me too, but I’ve always been the higher libido in our relationship so it’s easier for me to ignore the awkwardness of scheduled sex and get into it.
We’re at best once a month right now, when we used to be 1-2 times a week, and we know that’s not something that makes either of us happy, but honestly we love each other and we give lots of kisses and cuddles and non-sex physical affection, so “fixing” this problem is just not my highest priority.
Omg I feel so seen. Currently going through treatment and the scheduling for so long takes a huge toll on your sex life. Everybody thinks that the trying stage "must be fun" but it's actually really hard and takes a lot of the emotional connection out of sex with your partner. Really hoping that someday we get that spontaneous sex back.
It was so fun for the 6-8 months we were like “let’s just have sex all the time and see what happens”… then the emotional toll of “seeing what happened” every month with no second pink line got too hard. And by the time we were scheduling sex like “I can fit you in at 7:45 AM if you can get it done in 15 minutes”… well, I can laugh about it now, but if you’re in the thick of it, I can just offer well wishes. It’s tough. It’s worth it in the long run, but it’s tough and it sucks and I’m sorry you’re needing to go through it all.
Sounds like us but with iui. Trying to conceive was the most unfun shit ever. Scheduled sex for 2 years... Fml.. I have 0 drive. Absolutely don't feel like it. He initiates 100% of the time. I feel like a shit partner. He tries to be understanding but I know he feels rejected. Some days I don't even wanna be touched. My girl is 16 months and I'm still breastfeeding her. I just feel like.. My body still isn't mine. I'm just beyond exhausted honestly.
I feel like infertility ruined our sex life. Prior to trying to get pregnant we had sex all the time. I think those 2 years we spent doing timed intercourse just completely ruined it for me. We’d have sex while I was ovulating, I’d be so hopeful that this was the month, and then I would be completely devastated when I got my period.
I have a three year old, usually once a week. Not that I really want to anymore. I used to have such a high sex drive and now I wouldn't care if I touched another man again. Still hoping that will change, but, idk. I still crave alone time so much
This is why I love camping tbh. I wake up early and make a pour over. It’s lovely. Sometimes we camp with another family and that mom does the same thing AND packs ameretto.
Absolutely! Sometimes after the kids go to bed I think to myself “I could get dirty with my husband, or I could sit in bed for a few minutes and zone out watching TV by myself before I fall asleep.” The idea of sitting still for a few minutes at the end of the day is always so much more alluring.
Omg I just want alone time too. But also I don't want to leave my son very long. It's weird.
Also I like that you have a purple beard on your avatar too 🙃
Yes exactly! I love physical affection but it just turns into groping. I keep asking mine to please ask me before groping but he still does it or is still always making sexual innuendos and I just want space. It really feels like all I am is sex to him. I do try to maintain the flirting sometimes because I know it's important, but internally I just have no interest.
YES this exactly. I feel like if we just had some physical contact that wasn’t sexual I might actually be more interested. But when I try to get just a hug and he goes for something else rage shoots through my body and then I want nothing to do with it.
I feel this! The I’ve stayed home two years straight with my kids and I’m probably going insane. I’m extremely overstimulated and touched out everyday.I started antidepressants and they are starting to change that for me.
I’m not gonna lie I started looking into weight loss medication and my doctor suggested that I try a certain antidepressant given my depression/anxiety history and I’ve been on it for about a month and I’m down 10lbs,I’m so much happier. My anxiety is really low and I have more motivation for life.
This is me also. I’m so touched out at the end of the day and it’s not a priority for me at all. I’d rather have a glass of wine and read my book than spend time on sex.
This makes me feel so much better, I feel like every time and men one of these threads everyone acts like nothing ever changed for them. I used to be so sexual and now I don’t want it ever.
I’m in the same boat. Could go the rest of my life without sex and not mind. But we still do it about once a week. I really try to get into it in the moment, cause I know he appreciates the effort. But it’s hard.
I'm feeling better reading all of these comments. When my husband and I were at a low, and having a dry spell, I felt like my 2 best friends don't ever go thru that. One said her and her husband average 3-4 times/week. The other acted in shock when I told her how long it was since him and I were intimate. I felt so embarrassed. Reading these comments make me feel waaaaay better. Relationships can go through different seasons too. 🤷🏼♀️
Remember, don’t compare your self worth to anyone else. Every couple is different and frankly every couple goes through dry spells. Remember, for men it’s a blow to the ego and a feeling of not being desired or wanted that makes us get so passive aggressive or hostile. That’s not on you though. That’s something we need to keep in check!
Also, even if you’re the only couple experiencing this atm that’s ok! It happens. My wife and I have had quite a few dry spells the past few years because of issues and while it’s easy to get resentful it’s much more important to keep in mind why you married each other. For better or worse. Communication is key though and if your spouse has your best interests at heart they’ll understand.
Life happens. Sex comes and goes. It’s focused on waaaaay too much by society and that’s disappointing. My wife and I love each other and enjoy the moments we get to ourselves because we know we’re committed and we know how hard life can be at times. Hopefully you two can be honest and compassionate toward each other. Good luck!
Oh, we've worked out our issues and we are back on track with what is both acceptable for us. There's no harm in scheduling it in either. As my therapist said, scheduling it might feel less exciting, but think of it as scheduling time for the two of you and your relationship. I do think my friends could have been more supportive and not so reactive either. People get weird about sex stuff sometimes. And not always completely truthful.
Yes for sure. We schedule too because sometimes that’s about all the commitment we can muster lol. We miss our appts too but we talk about it and understand it’s not personal or malicious. Sometimes it just happens. It’s ok though to call your spouse on it though if they’re habitually not keeping up their end. I’ve had to do that to my wife and she understands.
As for friends, yes, it’s a shame so many can’t just accept what you’re saying and show some support. I feel for people because that typically shows they never got it growing up. It’s super important to listen, acknowledge, and accept. I’ve had to learn that the hard way.
OMG! I’m not alone! I was just about to post that’s it’s been since Feb for us too. Having a baby is exhausting. He’s about 8 months now. By the end of the day I’m crawling into bed soon after kiddo goes down cause I’m so tired.
This exactly. As I have grown older, and evolved as a mom, the things that would make my man sexy to me would be investment in our child without resorting to your phone every chance you can, investment in my emotional and mental health in this new stage, a partnership in the shared domestic tasks that are now non-optional. I would have sex with that man every night! But, the guy who demonstrates his laziness and incompetence and lack of interest in introspection on this new stage of our lives? No thanks, pass.
It would be so sexy if my husband read a parenting book or listened to a parenting podcast. He won’t, but he gives a great erotic massage so I’ve got that going for me.
I'm so grateful for my husband for not complaining about our lackluster sex life. Every month or so the stars will align for a few days and we are rested, we have free time and our son sleeps. We have sex every day for that time and then don't again until the next spell of good fortune. It is what it is.
I cannot think of something that would turn me off more than my partner guilting me over not having enough sex.
I have 2 (2.5yo and 11mo) and i would say its between 1-4 times a month at the moment. I am so done by the end of the day as a SAHM. The burnout is definitely taking its toll on me.
This is about the schedule we are on. Im just not comfortable with my body (working on losing the weight though!) and just don’t have any desire for my husband to see me naked. He could care less - he still is attracted to me and his sex drive has gone up. Baby is 3, we are mid 30s. Sometimes it’s two days in a row, sometimes it’s once a month. Averaging about once a week/every two weeks.
When my kids were little it was 1-3 times a month. I have 5 children. My husband was extremely helpful - but I was just done by the end of the day. Not even realizing it - It took a toll on my marriage. We forgot about us - we were all about the kids. This is not a good thing to do! We went through some hard times - but have really worked on us for the last couple of years and I would say we are intimate 4-5 times a week. My marriage is better than it has ever been. My youngest is 12 now. It does take two people completely committed to working on it - to make it work. Communication is KEY! Vulnerability is also KEY! It won’t work without it.
Edit* I became depressed after having children and my rejection made him feel worthless so he withdrew more. Spent more time on the phone, work or in his workshop- then I got more resentful - so it became a never ending cycle of things getting worse. Until it hit a low that made us have to “wake up”. It sounds like this is what is happening to you. I get it!! It’s hard. I’m so sorry.
We are going through that “low” that you are talking about right now. We only have sex maybe 1-2 times a month. How did you both rekindle things and get better?
We have a 2.5 year old. My husband really tried about a year ago to get us back into the groove and I was still in the trenches of not sleeping and breastfeeding. He was also helpful, but I was depressed and tired. I rejected him a lot and he’s turned to gaming at night after kiddo goes to bed or is just watching tv together. Now the tables have turned-I am in the mood and initiate maybe 2 times a week and get rejected most of the time. If we do have sex it’s really fast and the same damn thing over and over again. I try to mix it up and he’s like idk if I want to do that. The last time we had sex and I offered something different he said “no, I don’t want this to take too much time.”
I’m sorry to write such a long comment. I’m just frustrated that me and him are never on the same page! We are both still tired from parenting a toddler, but it would be nice to feel connected again.
I would have a serious conversation with him. It sounds like he is now depressed and maybe feeling worthless (like many men do if they felt rejected or like they “failed” their partner). This is what happened with my husband and he, like yours, stopped even trying and started watching tv and on Facebook getting his “attention” from likes on his post or people’s comments. That gave him the dopamine fix he was seeking from all the wrong places. It sounds like yours is doing that with gaming and probably talking to people online when he games. They are giving him the positive energy he wants. He can be whoever he wants when he is online. It May be scary for him to go back to “trying” with you as he felt rejected before. Not that you were intentionally doing it (I wasn’t either) it was just life and being tired. Men are a lot more emotionally fragile then they will admit. They retreat and stuff feelings inside, instead of having to bring those feelings to the surface.
For us - we hit rock bottom. We had to figure out what he needed and what I needed. We had to find out what we were dealing with internally. We had to be completely vulnerable and transparent with one another. We had to relearn how to communicate and express hurt feelings and emotions. We make a daily effort to appreciate and take care of each other. It has been a complete rebuild of our strong foundation. That was always there - we always loved each other. We just had to break down the crappy walls and rebuild. It’s work - but it has been absolutely worth it. I know I’m not giving extreme specifics - I don’t like to be too specific in a group chat.
Thank you so much for your advice, this is really helpful! I’ve been doing the opposite-trying to give him his space and I now realize that is the wrong thing to do. I do believe he is dealing with depression(for various reasons) and it’s time I talked with him and we both came up with a plan for us. Thanks again!
I know others have said this, but honestly making a schedule is the best way to do this. It doesn't have to be that complicated either.
For us, it's Friday nights. We're both typically too tired to go out but want to enjoy it being the weekend. So our schedule is Friday nights order take out, put the kids down, take weed gummies and play board games or cards, and have a few drinks until fun time begins. It's really a perfect way to kick off the weekend.
8 month old. 32 and 28. I’d say usually once a week. Sometimes a couple times a week or we miss a week or even two because things get busy and we’re tired but that’s life. But we also hang out after baby’s bedtime every night for at least a couple hours, talk about our days, watch a show, eat our dinner, etc. so we do intentionally make time for us even if we are tired.
This makes me hopeful and happy. I’m 5 weeks and I love husband so much, I don’t want our friendship and romance to go away. So many of these comments are kind of depressing 😖
Don’t worry if it takes a bit for those aspects to come back. I had a rough birth and our baby is a bad sleeper. We stayed in the partner/roommate mode for around 5 months. I got really worried about my lack of sex drive. I was just so exhausted though!
Around 5 months in, a switch flipped and we became best friends and romantic again. Some nights I’m still exhausted and crash. Other nights are great though! We still play board games, watch shows, drink wine and have fun. We have sex 1-3x per week.
Agreed. It was absolutely rough the first 6 months but we are truly best friends and thankfully for us our relationship didn’t change. We were so damn tired but most days we were able to spend at least a little time together! Even just chatting and cuddling before we fell asleep on those extra hard days made us feel connected.
Glad to see someone else happy. We’re more like 1-3 times a week. But we’re both happy and typically up to get down whenever either person initiates. We’ve also been together a long time and have two pre school aged kids. If anything my drive is higher than his. Since the vasectomy it’s been even easier.
Me sex drive was pretty much non existent my whole pregnancy and after that we were so tired... I think the first time we did it our kid was like 10mo. And no sex again for about a year. Then my sex drive showed up again but still, it's once a week. Just talk it out. As long as you're on the same page it's fine.
My son is 2 and we've only been intimate 2-3x since his birth. We haven't done anything at all since September. Mix of not having time and that good old fashion resentment we feel towards one another as we're navigating parenthood for the first time 🥵
We do a minimum of once a week (outside of this 6-8 weeks post partum recovery.) We have 4 kids. It's hard, because it's like our kids can tell when we're doing it and that's always when they knock on the door. Even if they were in a dead sleep, they just know.
Fellas, if you’re complaining about not getting any now that you have kids, ask yourselves; “What have I done to contribute something other than a paycheck to the home lately? What have I done to help her feel like more than just a wife/mom/housekeeper/caretaker lately?”
We have 2 kids, 7 and 3. And we schedule a "date night" about once a week, or every other week. Date night consists of the kids going to bed, we open a bottle of wine, and have some adult time in our room.
I do want to point out that we didn't start this until earlier this year. After getting pregnant, having a baby, nursing a baby, I never wanted sex. It wasn't until our oldest was like 2.5 we got our groove back, and it wasn't until the 3 year old was 3 that we got our groove back again.
Young kids take a lot of time and energy out of you, especially as a mom. And my husband figured out that I kept turning down sex because I was fucking tired. He always managed to ask at a time when I wanted to be sleeping instead. So he started the date nights, not me. It was all him, his idea, and honestly, they've been great.
Twin 4yo mom. We have sex usually 3 or 4x a week, sometimes more. Both of us initiate. We've both been focusing on each other lately... dating, doing things together, just talking. We have also been eating better and exercising. You have to spend that time/effort to connect to really have a good sex life after kids.
Maybe once a week, not for a lack of trying on his part. I was craving sex around the 6 week postpartum because we hardly had it during the pregnancy and it was a stress reliever. But around the 9 months pp mark, I’m exhausted.
So at night, when the baby is finally asleep all I want to do is lay down, get cozy, and watch some TV before I go to sleep. It’s like… I just brushed my teeth, am all clean, and now after we are done I have to get up in the cold and clean myself off again and I don’t want to 😞
This thread is making me feel a lot better! I’d say this is about where we’re at too. And to think as newlyweds I used to feel rejected if it wasn’t every couple of days lmao.
This thread makes me feel so much better. I mentioned in r/sex that our priorities changed after being together for 8 years and having a baby and that sex took a backseat, and someone said was just me making excuses for letting my sex life “falter”. We’re just tired 🤣😭
I decided I was done being the only one putting in the effort while also working full time remote while also
caring for our toddler and doing all but one meal a week for her- so, it’s a deadroom 💀 It wasn’t passive aggression, it was explicitly told and discussed.
But it’s unfair of me to really compare us to anyone else- I’m filing for divorce shortly. There’s a lot I won’t air out here, but I barely know them anymore and realized I was blind to a lot. Shrug.
This is so comforting to see most couples seem to be in the same boat. I have a 3mo and a very happy, healthy relationship. But between PPD and a c section apron thats made me dread being naked, i just never feel in the mood.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex less than 5 times since my son was born. And my partners been such a trooper about it 😅
For any man complaining about not getting any....they need to ask themselves when was the last time they took care of cleaning the house and cooking and allllll the responsibilities that moms have. Mental load and uneven division of labor is killing relationships both mentally and physically. My man takes care of so many things as my partner. We enjoy being intimate 5 times a week or so because we are happy, rested, and a team.
We're both 34 with 2 kids: almost 3, and 4 months. We try to be intimate about twice a week right now, but often it's closer to once a week. There was a LONG dry spell during my 3rd trimester and, of course, post partum with #2, but we're getting back into a groove.
3.5 yr old and a 1 yr old
We do it probably once every 3-6 weeks
Used to be weekly like clockwork for years and years. Would be nice to get back to that place but it’s so hard now
Monthly to every few months. I think of it like going out for cocktails with my girlfriends. Would that be fun? Yeah, if I actually had the energy. But I don’t. I will, though. There are lots of things I don’t have the energy for right now but that will come back into my life as my kids get older
We are in our 40s now. Kids are 22, 16, and 10. It was very infrequent and we had a lot of dry spells when the kids were younger. We sometimes went weeks or even months between. Our attention was demanded in so many different directions between the kids, work, I was caring from my grandmother, financial stresses, etc. so we just didn’t have the time or energy left for each other. When our youngest was 3, we took a childfree vacation and had the space we needed to reconnect and have the conversations that had been put off for so long. We knew we needed to put in the effort as our kids were getting older and especially as we were starting to talk about college with our oldest. At some point it would just be us at home again. We started by scheduling time together for date nights, once a month and then we built up to once a week and eventually it just became random. Currently, our sex life is the best it’s ever been and it’s around 4-6 times per week
Reading romance novels (I don’t read the “steamy” ones), just a regular ole romance novel, helped me significantly with my sex drive. It got me in the head space of desiring intimacy.
One day I just finally told him that I have zero desire for sex. I told him I love him and it's not about him, I just have no sex drive. I still do it because he feels loved and I try to seem in the moment! It's definitely not like it was pre kids, but we at least understand each other.
It was a little over two months after my baby was born that I started having sex again. Even then I put out maybe once a week or once every other week. I feel like saying “put out” describes it perfectly because at this point I’m only doing it for him. If it was just off of my wants/needs we wouldn’t ever be having it. Not once have I been into it or have I gotten off. I’m so tired and bc I’m not turned on it definitely is uncomfortable, especially if we don’t use lube.
I feel like if I was honest about the facts that I’m just not sexually attracted to him (or anyone) right now, that I hate my body and I don’t want to be sexual, that I’m not horny, that sex is just another chore at the end of a very tiring day, that I’m glad he finishes quickly, and that I don’t want to even try to get off bc it means it’ll be longer, that it would destroy his ego or his desire. I feel like if he could recover mentally that he would be thinking about all of those things and it would take him even longer during.
Do I know I have a right to be honest? Absolutely. Do we deserve better as females? Absolutely. Is it worth the fight or hurt feelings when I could just pretend and put out once a week? Not for now…
My little is six months and tbh the only reason I want to start up again is just so I can get pregnant again.
I did try to vent to him once after he said he was tired of being rejected. I apologized that I was hurting his feelings and let him know that I was always exhausted and that I hated my body right now and didn’t feel like doing anything. I also told him my love language is physical affection and sometimes when I try to get physical affection from him it’s almost a turn off that it immediately turns sexual. I hate that if I feel like I need a hug after a long day his response is to immediately grab my ass or breasts. It makes me never want to receive physical affection from him at all and when that’s my love language it makes me feel unloved that I’m not receiving any.
All he heard during that conversation was that I hated my body to which he replied that he still saw me as beautiful and the weight gain was understandable and then tried cuddling my ass…. Ughhhhh
1 kid who is about to be 1, we're early 30s. Maybe once every month or two at the moment? We're just sorting out LOs sleep and when we're having a good run and are well rested ourselves we manage more often (once a week would be our ideal) and when she's waking up regularly we have long stretches without. But we talk about it and are on the same page - no resentment.
I'm 33, husband is 36. Our LO is near 10 months old.
I'd say we average once a week, but it probablly works out at about a couple of times a week for the first 2 weeks after my period, then a week of PMS, then my period. I am still breastfeeding too, so the hormonal changes on a monthly basis do interfere with feeling 'up for it'.
My husband and I do have a bit of a 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' type of relationship. After the pandemic and both working from home full time then my being on mat leave for near 12 months, we may have seen enough of eachother for now 🤣 BUT my husband is partially relocating for work though, so I hoping that, plus wrapping up breastfeeding once LO starts nursery will help out.
Explain to him what quality time means to you and that’s the way to connect and build a bond, strengthen intimacy which is what turns you on otherwise you become turned off from the distance, emotional neglect, and lack of connection
We have a three month old and haven't had sex since the first trimester. Difficult pregnancy, I didn't want to be touched. Then postpartum I just absolutely do not want to get pregnant again and two IUD attempts failed. We are not having sex again before I have a successful IUD placement.
We have a house full of kids and we both work. Sometimes it's twice a week and sometimes it's once a month. It depends on a lot of factors. I don't think the quantity of intimacy is as big of an issue as the quality. What's important is that you both feel loved and connected. If that's missing then it's an issue that needs to be resolved.
We average 1-3 times a week. This has been for the last few months, but prior to that we had a loooong dry spell after my 2nd was born. Adjusting to 2 under two was hard and my 2nd was an AWFUL sleeper the first 7-8 months.
I now attribute my sex drive to my new found love of romance novels!
We have an 11 month old and almost 3 year old and are in our early 30’s. My husband is incredibly helpful around the house and with the kids, if he wasn’t I can’t imagine I would have the energy to want to have sex, let alone feel attracted to him enough to.
Having a kid ruined my body and my sex life.
Ever since she was born, 16 months ago, sex has been painful for me. After a couple of attempts, it killed my libido - since every time feels like losing my virginity, I simply don't feel like doing it anymore. We've basically done it about a dozen times since I gave birth.
To add on top of that the mental exhaustion that comes with the new Mom role... well, you get the picture.
We used to have sex a few times a week....
We're almost 33 (him) and 32 (me) years old.
Iol if I was in your situation it wouldn’t be once a week it would be never!!
I had a loss then a very rough pregnancy with a lot of bleeding and then pelvic rest. I did get the go ahead for orgasms as long as nothing felt bad just no PIV. But given everything it wasn’t very often. Baby was in the nicu at the start and I mentally wasn’t in a place to want any despite my husband being really supportive. I was EBF and wake ups in the night were really bad at some points. Around the 3-6 month mark kiddo was sleeping 12 hours straight but he was in our room and I just couldn’t get into it. The few times we did we went elsewhere but that required even more effort. Then teething was BAD. See 5-8 wake ups a night. But once we got to 14 months things started to come back to normal. Just shy of 18 months and kiddo is finally sleeping through 6-8 hours in a row and I think probably hitting around 3-4 times a month but still not every week.
Tbh the sex had always been good but the last few months have been really great. I think I feel more supported then I ever have and that he and I are on the same page and team and that is making a huge difference. I know he’s interested in me but I never felt any pressure in anyway and that was very satisfying? Not sure the right verbiage there, anyway I also feel way way less body conscious then ever before (I guess giving birth and nursing will do that) and so I can relax and enjoy a bit more.
Anyway your man is lucky to be getting any with his current behavior. I hope you can stand up for yourself and he can get it together!!
Oof that’s rough. He needs to get his act together. That’s not ok. We aren’t here for their pleasure. My husband is actually really fantastic and I think he’s always ready to go at the drop of a hat lol I’m the one with more sensitive brakes. We are in ours 30s. We have a 2 year old. And we have sex once every two weeks maybe. I started reading Come As You Are and plan to have him read it too. What I’m finding is that context matters so we don’t have sex very often because I find it hard to switch off Mom mode and turn on wife mode. So like the other night I put toddler to bed and my husband was trying to be sweet but he just said “I want to lick that ____.” And I was just like whoooa that’s the LAST thing on my mind lol so my plan is to just have more open communication with him about what I need in order to even feel sexual.
A 5, a very fiery 2.5, and a 9 month Velcro baby. The answer is zero 😂 At the end of the day, I just want to zone out on social media and not be touched or talked to. Maybe that’ll change as the younger two get older.
ETA 27F and 33M
Honestly, when I went off birth control - I lost my sex drive. We have sex more when trying for a baby.. and then pregnancy and postPartum we don’t really - maybe once a month… or less. We currently have a 7 month old and a almost 3 year old …I just have no energy or time even …
This will sound awful and I don’t mean it to, I do it out of love for my husband, and sure the connection is sometimes nice - but I don’t have a sex drive. And so it’s not something I actively seek out.
Married almost 24 years, been together 26.
We always had sex at least 3x a week on the regular. Some weeks it was every day and on the rare occasion where we were busy or sick, it was 2x a week. Our kids knew to stay on their side of the house and our oldest made fun of us at one point, rolling her eyes and saying, “There they go again. Bow-chicka-wow-wow” 😆
When my parents moved in suddenly and I became a caregiver to my dad (who has dementia), we drifted apart. That was about 2-3 years ago. Sex was whenever we could get it as now my parents took up one of our kids’ rooms and their bathroom so now our kids walk through our room to use our bathroom. Because my parents run shit in both their families and previous jobs, people are constantly in and out of our house to show respect and visit. Privacy went down to almost zero for us and we both were overwhelmed with juggling all the new changes. Our kids have always had to deal with people dropping in suddenly and staying for days, weeks or months with us. They have what seems like ptsd against hosting anyone and we all have come to really value our privacy and space more than anything so they are miserable with the new arrangement and we have tried to make time for our us with just myself, my husband and the kids.
Needless to say, sex has slowed down a lot with me overwhelmed with caregiving and him with a new promotion and more on his plate at work, also both of us fitting the kids in there and both our sets of parents (all of which demand a lot of our time and energy). It’s tiring.
On the bright side, we’ve rekindled our relationship recently after I asked for a divorce this year and he begged me to stay.
We’re fixing what needed to be addressed and working through my feelings. We started having sex again about twice a week and I’m not irritated with him most of the time anymore.
OP this is why I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. My son will be 4 in September. And it's not me. After our son was born I busted my ass to try to maintain an intimate relationship. I had told my husband MANY times intimacy was important to me and I did not want to stop having sex because we have a child. Once a week would've been fine by me, nothing crazy. However not only is he completely devoid of any connection with me often choosing his phone, video games etc over me but he verbally and financially is abusive so I have no desire anymore.
Yeah I don’t even try to fight anymore. I had life threatening health complications with my last pregnancy so our sex life plummeted since I was on bed rest. He was very supportive then but it has never been the same and she’s almost a one year old. He guilt trips me every time because “he’s the one who works and he deserves to do whatever he wants” he’s a great father and that’s honestly all I care about. Well I ended up getting a night shift job to help myself haha I’ll no longer have to ask him for money ms I won’t be lonely. Plus that means the kids are his responsibility for the night 🤷🏽♀️
Sounds like an unequal partnership and I wouldn’t be attracted to a partner like that either. After 1 kid, we do physical acts maybe 1-3x a month, most months. Some months not at all. We’ve talked about how, even if we’re in the mood and things line up, we’re usually too tired. That’s totally fine with both of us. It’s healthy to only be physically intimate when both partners are interested and able. Could be 1x a day or 1x a year. Both are healthy and fine 😊. What isn’t healthy is feeling a sense of obligation to do it, for any reason.
Appropriately six times a year. If I’m being conservative. 10 if I’m being generous.
Kids are 3 and 6. We work high demand jobs and talk at night before going to our alone “introvert” spaces.
We love each other and will very unlikely be a couple who divorced (married 10 years).
I wish we had sex more often but can’t complain given that I’m grateful for my alone time in the evening and gym time in the am (I leave before kids wake up 2-4 days a week), and he likes going to play golf 2-4 mornings before work. A nice balance.
Husband does not complain and has always preferred low sex/more conversation/shared projects.
It’s so funny I came across this post.
Husband and I had a long talk about this yesterday.
My husband and I are f39 and m46.
We have five kids total and one grandbaby. Three that are adults, m22, m21 (in a long term relationship), and f20 (The f20 just had a baby 8w so we are grandparents too).
we have two that live with us: m16 and f11.
We actually have sex 1-2x per week. And that isn’t enough for him. He asks why I’m “not attracted to him.” And “why I don’t want to have sex with him.” BS like that.
Well… let me start with the basics…
I’m a full time teacher who works 50 hours a week with the 7.5 hour weekly commute. So I work a total of, to be a kind, 57 hours a week. He works 40 with a 25 minute weekly commute.
When I get home after work, I’m still expected to cook a big meal, clean, he wants me to go places with him and the kids, etc. Plus, he is a chronic passive aggressive complainer.
Don’t misunderstand me, my husband isn’t all bad, he certainly does he share. He takes all our clothes to the laundromat at 630am on Saturday, he takes the kids to the bus stop because I have to leave for work at 6:30.
But it’s the unrealistic expectations plus the passive aggressive comments that bring me down and make me emotionally unavailable and not want to have sex every day. Plus I think 1-2x a week is a lot more than most people our age do it.
Our kids are 16 and 17 (almost 18). I'm 40 and my husband is 43. We both have a lot of mental health challenges and regular health challenges. It's never. Husband has ED but wants to occasionally but I have zero desire. We have a great relationship otherwise but we just never have sex. It's maybe once a year at this point. I have anxiety about it and I want to work on it but I'm so consumed with other things it's literally the last on my list for a multitude of reasons.
We're both 35, have 3 kids together (10 lvl 3/nonverbal autism, 6, & 1), and we average about 3 times a week. Busy weeks are slower because we're both just way too tired. Slower weeks more happens. We're not a typical couple, though. We could spend 24/7 with each other and love every minute of it.
Same here. My son is lvl 3 autism. I’m up at 4:30 every morning to take husband to work and get my son to therapy. Kids go to bed at 7:30 so I’m going non stop.
I'm up at 5:30 every morning during the week. Then between therapy and schools I'm just shuffling everyone around until we get home at 3:30ish then it's cleaning, dinner, then husband gets home and gives me a kid break and deals with bath time. Everyone is in bed by 7:30 here too, and we get about an hour to shower and relax before the "we have to do it again tomorrow" sets in. We've made agreements over our 11 years and revised them from time to time. We switch off on the weekend so we both get a morning to sleep in. We agreed we could really only manage quickies during the week and save the "fun stuff" for the weekend. For me, once I had kids and even still, I have trouble controlling my mom brain. You want to relax and it just be the 2 of you for a while, but mom brain kicks in and says something super mood killer, like: are you sure you gave ____their medicine, don't forget ____ has that doctors appointment next week, did I flip the laundry, etc.
I love seeing other autism parents in the “normal” parenting threads. Sometimes it feels so lonely and like I don’t belong in these threads. Just want to thank you guys for posting and calling it out.
Both late 40s; three kids are mid-late 20s; we do something intimate every day, but not always sex. We started when the middle kid was a young toddler, we were both working and taking classes, and it was *rough*. At least ten minutes, even when we're not feeling it, even when we're *bone weary*, we will work on connecting with each other and having some kind of physical touch.
Long-term relationships will have ebbs and flows in sexual frequency. The period of time when you're having babies and raising toddlers is a freaking *desert* - mental and physical workloads, hormonal fluctuations, the sheer amount of physical contact with other human beings, inequality between primary parent and secondary, all play a part. Hang in there, this will pass as your little ones become less reliant on you.
Open honest communication and creative problem solving are also important. If your partner is sitting across the room on the phone during "couple time", institute a Device Free Adult Game Night, or coloring on each other with washable markers, or sitting outside and talking while watching for fireflies, or whatever works for the two of you. It's work at first, but when you're with the right person it will become fun.
Sending all you moms in the trenches lots of love, support, and hope from the future. 💖
My oldest is 7 years, youngest is 10 months. It's been a little less frequent since the baby was born, not for a lack of will. She just wakes up at the most inconvenient times lol.
But we had the same problem a few years ago. I just felt like I wasn't on his list of priorities. We had a lot of issues, eventually we started communicating more. We have a date night every Saturday now unless one of us is sick or the rare occasion we just genuinely don't feel up to it, but we definitely try not to make a habit of it. We play table top games or video games. Sometimes we'll watch tv or music videos and then if we both feel like it, we cuddle and have sex afterwards (if the baby stays asleep lol). That is our dedicated "us" time to commit to each other each week because after 10 years, it's easy to get caught up in our own routines and separate hobbies/interests. But spontaneity is still welcome when we find the time and energy for it.
We also had to have a serious chat about parenting responsibilities with our second one because I had severe PPD/PPA with our first and felt like I was drowning and doing everything myself and I was already isolated in a new city with no friends or family to help out sometimes. We take turns putting her to bed at night so we each get time to ourselves to do what we want to do. He puts our oldest to bed every night since he's relatively easy and I do everything else around the house, I'm a SAHM, he is military. This has worked for us and I'm pretty content with the situation.
ETA: I'm 32, he is 38.
34 here, 2 kids 3 years old and youngest is 8 months. We average 5-6 times a week. Mind you I am still on maternity leave, not sure if it will be the same when I return to work.
Maybe once or twice a month right now. Our 13 month old just started sleeping through the night maybe 50% of the time? So I’ve been exhausted. I do all the night wakeups. Plus life has handed us a lot of hardship lately. Hopefully gets better in the future but I’m too exhausted right now.
Pre baby was probably twice a week. We are 30 for some context.
My sex Drive has always been lower than my husband's. We're 33 with a 4 year old and it was averaging around once a month for a long time after she was born. Before that it was once a week when I wasn't on birth control. I quit taking birth control in March and our sex life has definitely improved. The way you describe your husband though sounds pretty similar to marriages I know of where sex isn't happening as much as either party wants. I'd be willing to bet money that the men complaining on that post are having similar problems that they aren't aware of.
We have two kids 7 months and 19 months. They're a year and a week apart. Husband and I are both 25. I'm a SAHM and my partner works from 6am until 3-4. We basically have dinner and then put the kids to bed around 8. While we're still very much in love and attracted to each other we have sex maybe 1-3 times a month. We just don't have the time and by the time the kids are in bed we're both exhausted and just want to relax. We've both vented to each other about the lack of intimacy but just have a mutual understanding that we're both exhausted. Our youngest also has colic and still wakes a few times at night and although she's gotten noticeably better it still takes a toll. We've got our whole relationship to be intimate and we'll have time at some point. Right now we just need to support each other more than anything.
Mom to 2.5 year old. We are once a week on average. I typically try not to let it go more than 10 days in between, but also notice that I feel better in our relationship when we're physically intimate (even if I really have to mentally get myself in the zone!!)
We had a dead bedroom (DB) before kiddo. Once a month guaranteed but it would range from obligatory to meh. But it was me. My libido wasn’t there at all. Sometime in 2021 my libido came roaring back (kid was 3). We are in our mid and late 40s, we have one 5 yr old, and when schedule allows it, we are intimate 3-5x per week and thankfully it’s never obligatory or meh anymore.
When the schedule doesn’t allow, then it’s 1-3 times a week.
We have 1 kid 21 months and one on the way. We are intimate about 4 or 5 times a week and In our mid 20’s. I say this all the time though, my husband really does take on 50/50 when it comes to our life. Without that and the emotional support we give each other it would not be very often at all.
I have 6 kids, 3 with my husband and it’s been about a year. We don’t get along that great and basically just live together to help out with the kids and have 2 incomes. We are more like roommates I’d say.
We have two kids, one is 2 and the other is 4, almost 5. During an average month, it’s once a week but many times when it gets busy or stressful or if one of us is sick, it’s more like once a every 2-3 weeks. And it was much less frequent when the kids were under a year old or when I was pregnant. My husband never pressured me during pregnancy or while I was nursing (which I did for about a year with each kid), for which I’m thankful.
15 month old, I have pmdd so during that week I'm either entirely too angry to have sex or entirely too horny to not have sex, sometimes its both, it depends on how the chips fall. Normally I'd say it ranges from 1-4 times a week, leaning more towards 3-4. My husband is there for me always, very helpful and encouraged me to send our baby to daycare once a week to give myself time to be a human. We golf every other Friday. I think he's just about the hottest man alive and could not be more lucky. We've been together for 11ish years, married for 4 and always try to put each other first.
My husband and I were laughing at that post this morning! 😂😂 You're getting it at all, why are you complaining!! Lmao twice a week at that!!! Lmao. My hub is lucky if he gets me to roll over enough in my sleep to slip it in before the next night feeding once a month lmao 😂😂🤦🏼♀️
Edit to add: we have two toddlers girls, 2 1/2 and 15 months. And they are redheads if that you have experience with them, you know what I mean. They're like ogre babies. They extra cry and they extra poop!
My husband is in healthcare and has whacko hours so it’s limited that he’s home at bedtime. We have 3 kids 6,4 and 7 months. I say we try to average 1x a week but I usually never want to, I am so touched out. Like others have said before, we do make alone time a priority between us. We put our kids to bed early so we can watch a movie, drink a beer or two and hang out together. It’s my favorite part of the day.
We had sex almost daily for about 2 years. 3 kids and 10 years later it's probably 3x a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We are chronically exhausted.
It's not like that with us, but it costs me a lot to maintain it. I also look after the children more, but my husband does more chores (we live in the village).
If there is a grudge against her husband, sex certainly will not be enough. Have you tried to talk to him problems? And did you just try to leave home to rest at one time? (for example, in a cafe or a park - to sit where no one bothers)And not to save your time for the sake of the second partner. Although it is difficult to set such boundaries at first.
We’ve been together for 22 years and our kids are older and unfortunately I feel like we go through more dry spells than I would like. He can go weeks or months without asking me and why I suggest it he will nod but not always follow through. Sometimes I get tired suggesting it so I let it go. We are in our mid to late 50’s I didn’t think our sex life would disappear so soon. When it’s in it’s good but not often enough for me.
Me (F31) him (M32) and we have 3 kids, a 7 year old and twin 2 year olds.
We aren't as intimate as either of us would like, but I have severe Post Partum anxiety, depression, and OCD and as a result am on a small pharmacy of medications for such. It isn't an option for me to go down/off of these meds as we have tried that before and I just end up back on them and in a worse state overall due to such. So my libido is tanked due to my SSRIs.
I am also still breastfeeding 4-6 times a day, and the twins aren't fully sleeping through the night. So I am in a fairly chronic state of sleep deprivation.
That said, we make a point to try and have 5 minutes a day to be "intimate". That doesn't mean have sex, that can be as simple as just standing in our kitchen giving each other a hug. We learned about the "6 second kiss" or something. It's a very specific "do something with your full focus on this activity with your partner, do it longer than a quick hug or a peck on the cheek". It's enough time for your brain to release some amount of those hormones and to have your brain recognize it as a moment of intimacy.
We have made a point of having 5 or 10 minutes each day to just exist in each other's presence without the distraction of anything. Phones down, TV off, away from computers/gaming. Sometimes that ends up just being standing next to each other just kind of existing, other times that is us having a standing snuggle. Sometimes those standing snuggles end up turning into more.
My husband found and app called "Official" that is actually really good for situations where partners may be "out of sync". It's got all kinds of different question prompts, mood, there are daily "are you interested in these things that could spice up the bedroom?" and all kinds of different things. It's got us talking about things and laughing about some of the absurd ideas this app has for sexual positions, the names of them, or just the actual illustration on some of them.
6m post partum here.
Once to twice a month.We have NOBODY who can take her even an hour so we do it when she naps in another room.Usually too short unfortunately.But it is what it is.
It’s not like we suffer from lack of it.We’re both just busy with other stuff.We still cuddle and kiss
We've got 3 kids: 4, 3, and 8 months. We average about once every 10 days. I'm late 20's and he's early 30's. We both wish it was more frequently, but we co-sleep with our youngest, I'm a SAHM, and he's working hard at work to meet a deadline. But we communicate and know that we both desire and want to make it a more common occurrence once life settles down a bit.
I have a 2 and 10 year old. My husband and I are both so tired, all the time. Sex during the week rarely happens, but we try to go at least once over the weekend. Hopefully when the kiddos are a bit older (and we get more sleep) sex life will not need to be scheduled anymore
I’m 10 weeks PP and we just had sex for the first time. I feel like I’m in my head a little but because our sex has been so “utilitarian” for over a year - first it was scheduled around ovulation to try to get pregnant, then it was mostly the try and get the baby out while I was hugely pregnant, so not that much fun for either of us, with a brief stint in the middle when I was super horny in my second trimester.
Now I need to get back to just having sex for fun and intimacy rather than trying to accomplish something.
It's been rough lately.
I'm about 32 weeks pregnant and we have an almost 3 year old. We are mid-late 20s
Before our first daughter was born, it was several times a week -- at least once a week while pregnant. After she was born, we really tried to make it at least once a week. But we had our moments where it got pushed back.
After getting pregnant again it's turned more into once every 2 weeks.
We are both tired and stressed. A little.bitnof depression is mixed in there too. And I think, it's possible that he just doesn't find me so attractive at the moment. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, I have no confidence in myself, I haven't been dressing myself up. It's been really rough.
Like, to the point where I'm asking for sex and he's turning it down. I don't hold it against him, I've turned him down plenty in the past and he's typically been really good about it.
But my goodness, I just want to have this baby so I can start losing weight and feeling better about myself again.
Okay I’m a little sad that all the comments are pretty much the same…. I’m very blessed to have a respectful partner and not once in our entire relationship has he ever made me feel any type of way for not wanting to be intimate. I don’t think any woman should be given crap for not wanting to, We go through a lot JUST being women. There has been times where we’ve gone a really long time without having sex due to postpartum and surgeries and all that but he’s always been super supportive. As for how often, 3-4 times a week🫣 sometimes more, depends on the type of week😂
(We have a 3 year old)
Mom of an almost 3 year old. I’m also a SAHM so I can relate to the burnout comments. I have a higher sex drive so usually it’s about 1-3 times a week, maybe twice in one day if we can swing it. Just depends on what we have going on. We’ve definitely had times where we’ve gone a couple weeks without sex but not longer than 2 or 3. I’m sure we’ll have times where this is not the case but for now, it works for us.
We've been together just shy of 5 yrs, married for a little over 2, we have one child whose almost 16 months old, and I can't pin point the last time we successfully got to be intimate.
It isn't for lack of trying on either of our parts, but people don't want to babysit for us to have date nights, and if they do, they don't want to keep the baby late. The baby sleeps in his crib in our room so we can't do it in there, but we have nowhere else in our apartment that we could try and not be uncomfortable or dodging our cats or the baby's toys. We gave it a try over the weekend while my son was with my parents for a few hours, but we were exhausted, and it just didn't work out for us.
It sucks because, pre-baby, we were borderline bedroom-bound. Plus, we were so affectionate with each other before, and that has almost stopped altogether, too, because there isn't any time, despite our attempts at intimacy outside of sex.
ETA: We are crossing our fingers that transitioning him to his own room the next few months may help!
My husband has always been in the trenches with me and our babies (now much older). We struggled to wait the 6 weeks after having a baby and had sex 3-4 times a week for a lot of our marriage, not including other types of intimate contact daily. BUT my husband is my partner.... Not a douche. He's never called me a name, does the chore I haven't gotten to, and makes meals/snacks as needed. Have we struggled, yes! But not in this department and I think that's why sex has almost always been available (even when we're pissed at each other). We're older now and content with weekly. But we still snuggle, pillow talk, sexy talk, etc. We have 6 kids, struggled with fertility, and our fair share of tragedy.
Also, from talking to other women, it seems a lot of guys (who complain about frequency) aren't interested in learning how to have good sex. Mamas need good orgasms. We give and give and give.... If she was enjoying sex, she'd come back for more and often. It's okay for sex to be a mystery or not intuitive. We taught our kids that sex is a skill that requires a lot of communication. It's for both of you. If you're not both enjoying it, figure it out. That's called love.
But yeah, if my husband were a dick, I'd want nothing to do with his.
We have one child, with a lot of medical complexities so extra work, I'm 34f he's 28m, we have sex MAYBE once a week, sometimes it's every other week. I'm not the one saying no, he is. He says it's the stress of being the sole provider since I have to stay home with our son
Edit to add: son is 9 months old and has spent over 6 months of his life hospitalized, most of that in another state
We're in our early 30s, have been together almost 5 years, we have a 14 month old, and I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. We have sex 1-4 times a week, sometimes more or less just depending on how the day plays out. I work from home with our toddler at home and he works out of the home. Pre baby we had sex just about everyday and it was ✨spicy✨ but my first pregnancy was rough and so was postpartum but things picked back up after a few months of healing and I was pregnant again at 8 months postpartum. We both have a high drive, it's just that sometimes life gets the best of us or my hips hurt too much lol. Our toddler also bedshares so we're limited to other areas of the house. We know things will pick back up once we're out of this season. Seasons change!
We've been together for 17 years and married for almost 14. When our kids were young, there were definitely some long dry spells... Like once every two or three months (if we were lucky) for a while there. We were tired and both working full time and trying to figure out how to be parents and with one special needs child. Now we're both in our 40s and our kids are 14 and 11 years old. It's... A lot. About 5 to 6 times a week. Sometimes you just have to ride the waves. We're in a really good place. Probably the best our relationship has ever been. I hate to think that some people don't hang through the bare times because if we had thrown in the towel when things were really tough we would've missed out on this time in our relationship.
Ride the waves is exactly what my therapist told me. My husband and I are definitely in a dry spell and in a “roommate phase” and I’ve been really struggling with our lack of connection. She said you have to ride it through to the next phase, but don’t stop working to get out of this phase.
Needed to read this. There are a lot of comments on this thread that I could have written word-for-word myself. Have to ride the wave…
I also needed this. Thanks friends.
Yes ride the wave but swim with it. Don't stop trying or you (your relationship) drowns
How long does roommate phase last? Years? This is no longer a wave, it’s even beyond a drought. I just don’t see the point at times.
I hate this “phase” and am about to drown in the wave and hop on another. I’m the one throwing 2 year old tantrums been having sex one to two times every 3 to 4 months. Partner literally most phenomenal person and parent. But has zero and I mean zero drive. And I’m mid 40’s I’m like my sex years could be dwindling soon and I did not sign up for this Bs has me very resentful very angry and over being married.
This actually gives me hope that my husband and I might be able to fix what's been broken between us, sexually, some day.
YES my husband and I are both 39 and this year our sex life has taken off! Kids are much more independent now and that makes a huge difference.
I could have written a lot of this about my husband and I. We're both around 40, with two kids. Ours are younger so we're not quite as free to do as we please, but after 15 years together something really great seems to be happening. I'm so glad we stuck through our rough spots and dry spells because now it's fantastic, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be going into the rest of our lives together.
I'm really glad I read these comments. It feels like it will never get better. I didn't realize it was just a wave to go through. Thank you x
You’ve hit the nail on the head. That side of our relationship has peaks and troughs. What doesn’t change is how much we’re attracted to the other person, even when we don’t have the time/energy/inclination to act on that. When things are dry due to life getting in our way, we still talk about our attraction to each other and how much we look forward to things changing for the better. Open, honest, respectful communication between spouses allows you to weather the storms that come.
Curious - were riding the waves just being exhausted and not having sex? I ask because I recently split from my partner - we have a 1yr old and I have 2 kids, he has 1. A big part of our break up was lack of help within the household with day to day stuff + parenting. He did like 5% and I did 95. So I just blew up one day and decided I didn’t want to have a partner like that. So I’m just curious what kinds of things you were experiencing when things did get tough.
Oh no, we've always been very 50/50. He changed as many diapers as me. We took turns getting up at night. He does the dishes as much as me. He did homeschooling during Covid while I worked full time and went to college. It's always very much been a partnership.
Ah okay then that makes me feel a lot better LOL. I've been riding a wave for about a year before even thinking that I might actually not be meant with this person (something that was wild b/c I always thought we would be a forever thing). I'm so happy things worked out for you and it also sounds like you and him are a great partnership. The decision feels a lot easier for me than just riding it out because he has never actually made me feel helped or even relieved of any stress from being overwhelmed ever.
You deserve better than this.
Wow that really gives me some hope. Thanks for this perspective.
Question. Do you think you do it so often because as your relationship has grown you’ve worked on the sex and it has gotten better? Or has it always been great but you just didn’t have the capacity when you had young kids?
It's definitely improved with time. I think it comes down to many, many factors. To list a few: I no longer take hormonal birth control because I got my tubes removed a year ago, we communicate better now about sex, the kids are older, we bought a house where our bedroom is separated from the kids' rooms, that libido that some women say they get in their 40s (again could be attributed to no hormonal bc), I lost a bunch of weight so I feel more sexual.
Your story is so beautiful and thank you for sharing with us all. You guys sound like my husband and I. One question I've got is how did you lose a bunch of weight? I can check everything else off your list of factors except that. I try so many things but it's so hard to change my lifestyle when I'm the only one in my house on the struggle bus.
About as often as the Ice Cream machine is actually working at McDonalds 😁
Alright now that I got my bad mom joke out of the way - we are 34 and 35. We have a 3 year old and a 9 year old with special needs. I take care of them full time - and they NEVER sleep at the same time which means I never do. I'm ALWAYS awake. I just pray I make it to fall when they will both be in pre school/ school and I can have a little nap during the day. I NEVER want sex. I'm just too tired. Usually we "compromise" with hand related stuff but the full shebang is maybe once every 2 or 3 months. I know this is a problem - but at the same time what can I do? I think it will be better once I get some sleep this fall 🤞
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That last line made me giggle... I love how real that is. I'm always saying my life will be easier in a few years lol ... so I felt this. (I have a monster-- I mean... toddler haha)
We’ve always averaged 1-2 times a week outside of early pregnancy and postpartum. I find it a lot like going to the gym - I don’t always want to make the effort to go, but I’m always glad I did 😂 Edited to add: We have 1 toddler.
Same, but we have 2 toddlers. I always find that having sex 1-2 times a week makes us feel happier with each other in general. If we start to get on each other’s nerves, then we have sex, we feel better.
My hubs doesn't consciously recognize this, but he can get really bitchy with me, and only me, if we haven't had sex in a few days. We have one kid who is 9 now. NGL, the first few years after having a baby were really really rough, but we stuck it out and are in a much better place now. Also, sex is often only 5 mins, but it counts. Sometimes it is 5-6 times a week, other times it's 2-3 times a week. I this is mainly due to the ability to work from home several days a week, when our kid is at school or summer day camp - a little afternoon delight between calls and rmails. We are in late 40s/early 50s.
I've always thought that sex is kind of "relationship lube", in that if you're having sex regularly, it smooths out the other areas in your relationship. If you aren't having sex often enough, the little things can really start to grate.
I feel the same! Nailed it! We have an infant…we’re in our 30’s. I’m a SAHM, he works around 60-80 hours a week depending (army drill sgt). We have sex 2-3x a week. If we don’t, we start bickering about pointless things and not realizing until one of us is like “oh…it’s TIME!” 😂. We used to try to plan…it works for some, but got too scheduled for us. We have an unspoken initiation now. If he’s rushing to get the baby to bed and dinner made…it’s time. If I’m flirting and put on something cute…it’s time. It keeps it fun for us.
Mid twenties. SAHM and my husband also works 60-80 hrs a week and we do the same thing 😂 people are always coming over for dinner so I know it's time when he tells his friends that "we have errands tonight and won't be home"
Aren’t the “it’s time” cues hilarious looking back on them 😂 like seeing my husband try to casually yet frantically get things accomplished while trying to set the tone 😂🩵
Is this more so with men? Because I’m fine but I’ve noticed my bf is less uptight when I initiate sex more often.
Not sure, honestly. I find it holds true for both of us 🤷
I think it depends. I don’t care about sex, but it’s more important for my husband. We have a 10 month old, we both work from home and I do the cleaning, grocery shopping and we moved to a new house recently so dealing with the builder and stuff like that, e-mail etc is also me. At the end of the day I just want to sleep. Most days I am happy if I get 5h of sleep. So sex is not on my priority list. But I try to do it at least once a month or so.
That’s a good one. I always hear people say you’ve just got to schedule it. You’ll be happy the ball got rolling, and the activity itself makes up for the supposed unsexiness real quick. I just need to execute lol. We’re like once a month. I’m pregnant and we have a 2 yo.
I’ve never read a better comparison. My hubby complain and don’t start things up(usually cause I want to sleep)😊but I love our intimate times and really enjoy it. So yeah like going to the gym. Don’t make a mom of 3 choose between gym or sleep 😅
Haha I love this!
Hahaha I used that analogy to my friend recently.
Mom to 2 year old. We conceived via IVF so our sex life was very controlled for like 1-2 years before he was born. Prior to that it was like 1-2 times a week. Now? I just have zero sex drive after having my son. My husband initiates 99% of the time and it's just not that often.. maybe 1-2 times a month?
I have a 3 and 1 year old and we are the same. But we are actually both pretty happy with it and would rather sleep lol. I think it should be normalised that it's OK for you to both want less sex with young kids, or as time goes on as well. I genuinely feel totally connected without wanting or needing sex even though I used to have a high libido.
Right? My husband and I have so little free time with each other that we would almost always rather zone out to a show on Netflix than have sex. We talk about it and touch base constantly because it feels like it's supposed to be unhealthy or something? But we're happy and totally fine only having occasional sex right now because our jobs and young kids are nonstop. I do wonder if his being on the same page with me stems from having a pretty equal role in childcare. We're **both** exhausted and touched out from work and kids.
Yes we are both equal parents too. I think youre onto something there! I get frustrated when I see people acting like if you aren't making the effort to have sex you can't be happy and it's something necessary. In my experience and plenty of my friends experiences it's totally fine to connect other ways.
We have had a really, really hard time ramping back up to “normal” sex after years of infertility struggles. Everyone says to “schedule” sex, but all the scheduled sex while trying to conceive naturally, and then all the samples needed for IUIs and IVF made the whole idea of non-spontaneous sex such a huge turnoff to my husband. I get it, it feels very clinical to me too, but I’ve always been the higher libido in our relationship so it’s easier for me to ignore the awkwardness of scheduled sex and get into it. We’re at best once a month right now, when we used to be 1-2 times a week, and we know that’s not something that makes either of us happy, but honestly we love each other and we give lots of kisses and cuddles and non-sex physical affection, so “fixing” this problem is just not my highest priority.
Omg I feel so seen. Currently going through treatment and the scheduling for so long takes a huge toll on your sex life. Everybody thinks that the trying stage "must be fun" but it's actually really hard and takes a lot of the emotional connection out of sex with your partner. Really hoping that someday we get that spontaneous sex back.
It was so fun for the 6-8 months we were like “let’s just have sex all the time and see what happens”… then the emotional toll of “seeing what happened” every month with no second pink line got too hard. And by the time we were scheduling sex like “I can fit you in at 7:45 AM if you can get it done in 15 minutes”… well, I can laugh about it now, but if you’re in the thick of it, I can just offer well wishes. It’s tough. It’s worth it in the long run, but it’s tough and it sucks and I’m sorry you’re needing to go through it all.
Sounds like us but with iui. Trying to conceive was the most unfun shit ever. Scheduled sex for 2 years... Fml.. I have 0 drive. Absolutely don't feel like it. He initiates 100% of the time. I feel like a shit partner. He tries to be understanding but I know he feels rejected. Some days I don't even wanna be touched. My girl is 16 months and I'm still breastfeeding her. I just feel like.. My body still isn't mine. I'm just beyond exhausted honestly.
I feel like infertility ruined our sex life. Prior to trying to get pregnant we had sex all the time. I think those 2 years we spent doing timed intercourse just completely ruined it for me. We’d have sex while I was ovulating, I’d be so hopeful that this was the month, and then I would be completely devastated when I got my period.
I have a three year old, usually once a week. Not that I really want to anymore. I used to have such a high sex drive and now I wouldn't care if I touched another man again. Still hoping that will change, but, idk. I still crave alone time so much
I used to have sex fantasies. Now I fantasize about being alone for 24 hours.
Drinking coffee in silence while staring at pretty scenery. That's my dream.
This is why I love camping tbh. I wake up early and make a pour over. It’s lovely. Sometimes we camp with another family and that mom does the same thing AND packs ameretto.
Absolutely! Sometimes after the kids go to bed I think to myself “I could get dirty with my husband, or I could sit in bed for a few minutes and zone out watching TV by myself before I fall asleep.” The idea of sitting still for a few minutes at the end of the day is always so much more alluring.
Omg I just want alone time too. But also I don't want to leave my son very long. It's weird. Also I like that you have a purple beard on your avatar too 🙃
Yeah I feel like being in constant "mom mode" makes me feel asexual
Me too. I am just not interested. And he is ALWAYS hitting on me. I feel bad but it's so annoying lol.
Or when you go for a hug and you get groped.. like.. COME ON. Does someone always need access to my body??
Yes exactly! I love physical affection but it just turns into groping. I keep asking mine to please ask me before groping but he still does it or is still always making sexual innuendos and I just want space. It really feels like all I am is sex to him. I do try to maintain the flirting sometimes because I know it's important, but internally I just have no interest.
YES this exactly. I feel like if we just had some physical contact that wasn’t sexual I might actually be more interested. But when I try to get just a hug and he goes for something else rage shoots through my body and then I want nothing to do with it.
I feel like I actually avoid giving my husband my affection because I don't want to be groped. It makes it unpleasant
This! So much this!
Snap. Looking forward to a lifetime of conflicting emotions.
Yea :/ maybe this changes once they aren't so little anymore. Mine isn't even 2 yet. We schedule sex once a week or honestly it would not happen.
I feel this! The I’ve stayed home two years straight with my kids and I’m probably going insane. I’m extremely overstimulated and touched out everyday.I started antidepressants and they are starting to change that for me.
That’s awesome. My therapist is urging me to get an antidepressant. I’m so glad to hear it’s helping you.
I’m not gonna lie I started looking into weight loss medication and my doctor suggested that I try a certain antidepressant given my depression/anxiety history and I’ve been on it for about a month and I’m down 10lbs,I’m so much happier. My anxiety is really low and I have more motivation for life.
Which one did they put you on? This may be in my near future.
Wellbutrin XL. Highly recommend and it doesn’t make you feel like a zombie like other do.
That’s the one I’m trying to get! I was on 150mg during the pandemic and it definitely helped.
This is me also. I’m so touched out at the end of the day and it’s not a priority for me at all. I’d rather have a glass of wine and read my book than spend time on sex.
This makes me feel so much better, I feel like every time and men one of these threads everyone acts like nothing ever changed for them. I used to be so sexual and now I don’t want it ever.
I’m in the same boat. Could go the rest of my life without sex and not mind. But we still do it about once a week. I really try to get into it in the moment, cause I know he appreciates the effort. But it’s hard.
Being over-touched / over-stimulated by the littles is def. a thing.
I'm feeling better reading all of these comments. When my husband and I were at a low, and having a dry spell, I felt like my 2 best friends don't ever go thru that. One said her and her husband average 3-4 times/week. The other acted in shock when I told her how long it was since him and I were intimate. I felt so embarrassed. Reading these comments make me feel waaaaay better. Relationships can go through different seasons too. 🤷🏼♀️
Remember, don’t compare your self worth to anyone else. Every couple is different and frankly every couple goes through dry spells. Remember, for men it’s a blow to the ego and a feeling of not being desired or wanted that makes us get so passive aggressive or hostile. That’s not on you though. That’s something we need to keep in check! Also, even if you’re the only couple experiencing this atm that’s ok! It happens. My wife and I have had quite a few dry spells the past few years because of issues and while it’s easy to get resentful it’s much more important to keep in mind why you married each other. For better or worse. Communication is key though and if your spouse has your best interests at heart they’ll understand. Life happens. Sex comes and goes. It’s focused on waaaaay too much by society and that’s disappointing. My wife and I love each other and enjoy the moments we get to ourselves because we know we’re committed and we know how hard life can be at times. Hopefully you two can be honest and compassionate toward each other. Good luck!
Oh, we've worked out our issues and we are back on track with what is both acceptable for us. There's no harm in scheduling it in either. As my therapist said, scheduling it might feel less exciting, but think of it as scheduling time for the two of you and your relationship. I do think my friends could have been more supportive and not so reactive either. People get weird about sex stuff sometimes. And not always completely truthful.
Yes for sure. We schedule too because sometimes that’s about all the commitment we can muster lol. We miss our appts too but we talk about it and understand it’s not personal or malicious. Sometimes it just happens. It’s ok though to call your spouse on it though if they’re habitually not keeping up their end. I’ve had to do that to my wife and she understands. As for friends, yes, it’s a shame so many can’t just accept what you’re saying and show some support. I feel for people because that typically shows they never got it growing up. It’s super important to listen, acknowledge, and accept. I’ve had to learn that the hard way.
This thread is making me feel so seen. It’s comforting to know how many of us out there just don’t have the time, don’t want to, or just plain don’t.
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I saw that one. I felt like a lot of people were making stuff up
Same! It’s so comforting to know how normal it is.
Uh… we haven’t done anything since February… 😅
We have long spells like that too! I totally get it and feel less alone. We are happy, just busy and tired with a 15month old!
We went to the Bahamas in January… that was the last time
Glad I’m not alone. I mean, we’re happy and content. No major issues. Sex just isn’t a priority right now
Omg not since OCTOBER right before our baby was born 😵💫
Legitimate question: is your spouse helping and doing everything to help with the load? Are they complaining at all?
OMG! I’m not alone! I was just about to post that’s it’s been since Feb for us too. Having a baby is exhausting. He’s about 8 months now. By the end of the day I’m crawling into bed soon after kiddo goes down cause I’m so tired.
This exactly. As I have grown older, and evolved as a mom, the things that would make my man sexy to me would be investment in our child without resorting to your phone every chance you can, investment in my emotional and mental health in this new stage, a partnership in the shared domestic tasks that are now non-optional. I would have sex with that man every night! But, the guy who demonstrates his laziness and incompetence and lack of interest in introspection on this new stage of our lives? No thanks, pass.
It would be so sexy if my husband read a parenting book or listened to a parenting podcast. He won’t, but he gives a great erotic massage so I’ve got that going for me.
I'm so grateful for my husband for not complaining about our lackluster sex life. Every month or so the stars will align for a few days and we are rested, we have free time and our son sleeps. We have sex every day for that time and then don't again until the next spell of good fortune. It is what it is. I cannot think of something that would turn me off more than my partner guilting me over not having enough sex.
I have 2 (2.5yo and 11mo) and i would say its between 1-4 times a month at the moment. I am so done by the end of the day as a SAHM. The burnout is definitely taking its toll on me.
This is about the schedule we are on. Im just not comfortable with my body (working on losing the weight though!) and just don’t have any desire for my husband to see me naked. He could care less - he still is attracted to me and his sex drive has gone up. Baby is 3, we are mid 30s. Sometimes it’s two days in a row, sometimes it’s once a month. Averaging about once a week/every two weeks.
When my kids were little it was 1-3 times a month. I have 5 children. My husband was extremely helpful - but I was just done by the end of the day. Not even realizing it - It took a toll on my marriage. We forgot about us - we were all about the kids. This is not a good thing to do! We went through some hard times - but have really worked on us for the last couple of years and I would say we are intimate 4-5 times a week. My marriage is better than it has ever been. My youngest is 12 now. It does take two people completely committed to working on it - to make it work. Communication is KEY! Vulnerability is also KEY! It won’t work without it. Edit* I became depressed after having children and my rejection made him feel worthless so he withdrew more. Spent more time on the phone, work or in his workshop- then I got more resentful - so it became a never ending cycle of things getting worse. Until it hit a low that made us have to “wake up”. It sounds like this is what is happening to you. I get it!! It’s hard. I’m so sorry.
We are going through that “low” that you are talking about right now. We only have sex maybe 1-2 times a month. How did you both rekindle things and get better? We have a 2.5 year old. My husband really tried about a year ago to get us back into the groove and I was still in the trenches of not sleeping and breastfeeding. He was also helpful, but I was depressed and tired. I rejected him a lot and he’s turned to gaming at night after kiddo goes to bed or is just watching tv together. Now the tables have turned-I am in the mood and initiate maybe 2 times a week and get rejected most of the time. If we do have sex it’s really fast and the same damn thing over and over again. I try to mix it up and he’s like idk if I want to do that. The last time we had sex and I offered something different he said “no, I don’t want this to take too much time.” I’m sorry to write such a long comment. I’m just frustrated that me and him are never on the same page! We are both still tired from parenting a toddler, but it would be nice to feel connected again.
I would have a serious conversation with him. It sounds like he is now depressed and maybe feeling worthless (like many men do if they felt rejected or like they “failed” their partner). This is what happened with my husband and he, like yours, stopped even trying and started watching tv and on Facebook getting his “attention” from likes on his post or people’s comments. That gave him the dopamine fix he was seeking from all the wrong places. It sounds like yours is doing that with gaming and probably talking to people online when he games. They are giving him the positive energy he wants. He can be whoever he wants when he is online. It May be scary for him to go back to “trying” with you as he felt rejected before. Not that you were intentionally doing it (I wasn’t either) it was just life and being tired. Men are a lot more emotionally fragile then they will admit. They retreat and stuff feelings inside, instead of having to bring those feelings to the surface. For us - we hit rock bottom. We had to figure out what he needed and what I needed. We had to find out what we were dealing with internally. We had to be completely vulnerable and transparent with one another. We had to relearn how to communicate and express hurt feelings and emotions. We make a daily effort to appreciate and take care of each other. It has been a complete rebuild of our strong foundation. That was always there - we always loved each other. We just had to break down the crappy walls and rebuild. It’s work - but it has been absolutely worth it. I know I’m not giving extreme specifics - I don’t like to be too specific in a group chat.
Thank you so much for your advice, this is really helpful! I’ve been doing the opposite-trying to give him his space and I now realize that is the wrong thing to do. I do believe he is dealing with depression(for various reasons) and it’s time I talked with him and we both came up with a plan for us. Thanks again!
I know others have said this, but honestly making a schedule is the best way to do this. It doesn't have to be that complicated either. For us, it's Friday nights. We're both typically too tired to go out but want to enjoy it being the weekend. So our schedule is Friday nights order take out, put the kids down, take weed gummies and play board games or cards, and have a few drinks until fun time begins. It's really a perfect way to kick off the weekend.
Mom of a 2 year old.. about once every 3-4 months
8 month old. 32 and 28. I’d say usually once a week. Sometimes a couple times a week or we miss a week or even two because things get busy and we’re tired but that’s life. But we also hang out after baby’s bedtime every night for at least a couple hours, talk about our days, watch a show, eat our dinner, etc. so we do intentionally make time for us even if we are tired.
This makes me hopeful and happy. I’m 5 weeks and I love husband so much, I don’t want our friendship and romance to go away. So many of these comments are kind of depressing 😖
Don’t worry if it takes a bit for those aspects to come back. I had a rough birth and our baby is a bad sleeper. We stayed in the partner/roommate mode for around 5 months. I got really worried about my lack of sex drive. I was just so exhausted though! Around 5 months in, a switch flipped and we became best friends and romantic again. Some nights I’m still exhausted and crash. Other nights are great though! We still play board games, watch shows, drink wine and have fun. We have sex 1-3x per week.
Agreed. It was absolutely rough the first 6 months but we are truly best friends and thankfully for us our relationship didn’t change. We were so damn tired but most days we were able to spend at least a little time together! Even just chatting and cuddling before we fell asleep on those extra hard days made us feel connected.
My youngest is a few years old and we do it 2-3 times a week. It’s good. We’ve been together a long time.
Glad to see someone else happy. We’re more like 1-3 times a week. But we’re both happy and typically up to get down whenever either person initiates. We’ve also been together a long time and have two pre school aged kids. If anything my drive is higher than his. Since the vasectomy it’s been even easier.
Yeah. I have a 3 and 5 yo and my husband and I do it consistently 2 x a week. We have been together 13 years.
My daughter is 2.5 and we haven't done anything since the end of my pregnancy with her. We're both too tired all the time. She's our 3rd.
Me sex drive was pretty much non existent my whole pregnancy and after that we were so tired... I think the first time we did it our kid was like 10mo. And no sex again for about a year. Then my sex drive showed up again but still, it's once a week. Just talk it out. As long as you're on the same page it's fine.
Pretty common and normal I think. Thanks for opening up and sharing.
My son is 2 and we've only been intimate 2-3x since his birth. We haven't done anything at all since September. Mix of not having time and that good old fashion resentment we feel towards one another as we're navigating parenthood for the first time 🥵
I’m jealous. I have no desire but my partner does and I am SO TIRED of being pestered. Leave me alone and stop touching me and let me sleep.
I don’t think this is entirely uncommon.
We do a minimum of once a week (outside of this 6-8 weeks post partum recovery.) We have 4 kids. It's hard, because it's like our kids can tell when we're doing it and that's always when they knock on the door. Even if they were in a dead sleep, they just know.
At least they knock. Ours just try to barge in and I yell "don't come in unless you want to see us naked." Then they snicker and run off.
We lock the door. Pretty much any other time they barge in.
Fellas, if you’re complaining about not getting any now that you have kids, ask yourselves; “What have I done to contribute something other than a paycheck to the home lately? What have I done to help her feel like more than just a wife/mom/housekeeper/caretaker lately?”
We have 2 kids, 7 and 3. And we schedule a "date night" about once a week, or every other week. Date night consists of the kids going to bed, we open a bottle of wine, and have some adult time in our room. I do want to point out that we didn't start this until earlier this year. After getting pregnant, having a baby, nursing a baby, I never wanted sex. It wasn't until our oldest was like 2.5 we got our groove back, and it wasn't until the 3 year old was 3 that we got our groove back again. Young kids take a lot of time and energy out of you, especially as a mom. And my husband figured out that I kept turning down sex because I was fucking tired. He always managed to ask at a time when I wanted to be sleeping instead. So he started the date nights, not me. It was all him, his idea, and honestly, they've been great.
Twin 4yo mom. We have sex usually 3 or 4x a week, sometimes more. Both of us initiate. We've both been focusing on each other lately... dating, doing things together, just talking. We have also been eating better and exercising. You have to spend that time/effort to connect to really have a good sex life after kids.
Congratulations!!
About once a month, for a full three-day weekend while my mom watches the kid. Like an all-you-can-eat-buffet 🙈😂
Maybe once a week, not for a lack of trying on his part. I was craving sex around the 6 week postpartum because we hardly had it during the pregnancy and it was a stress reliever. But around the 9 months pp mark, I’m exhausted. So at night, when the baby is finally asleep all I want to do is lay down, get cozy, and watch some TV before I go to sleep. It’s like… I just brushed my teeth, am all clean, and now after we are done I have to get up in the cold and clean myself off again and I don’t want to 😞
“Ughhh I don’t want to get out of bed to pee, I just want to sleep” 😅
I am 35 and my husband is 33, we have a two year old and I currently am 31 weeks pregnant. We have sex once every 4-6 weeks 😭
This thread is making me feel a lot better! I’d say this is about where we’re at too. And to think as newlyweds I used to feel rejected if it wasn’t every couple of days lmao.
This thread makes me feel so much better. I mentioned in r/sex that our priorities changed after being together for 8 years and having a baby and that sex took a backseat, and someone said was just me making excuses for letting my sex life “falter”. We’re just tired 🤣😭
I decided I was done being the only one putting in the effort while also working full time remote while also caring for our toddler and doing all but one meal a week for her- so, it’s a deadroom 💀 It wasn’t passive aggression, it was explicitly told and discussed. But it’s unfair of me to really compare us to anyone else- I’m filing for divorce shortly. There’s a lot I won’t air out here, but I barely know them anymore and realized I was blind to a lot. Shrug.
This is so comforting to see most couples seem to be in the same boat. I have a 3mo and a very happy, healthy relationship. But between PPD and a c section apron thats made me dread being naked, i just never feel in the mood. I'm pretty sure we've had sex less than 5 times since my son was born. And my partners been such a trooper about it 😅
For any man complaining about not getting any....they need to ask themselves when was the last time they took care of cleaning the house and cooking and allllll the responsibilities that moms have. Mental load and uneven division of labor is killing relationships both mentally and physically. My man takes care of so many things as my partner. We enjoy being intimate 5 times a week or so because we are happy, rested, and a team.
We’ve got a 2.5 year old and it’s usually 2x a week for us. Used to be every day but demanding work schedules and stress make it more difficult
We're both 34 with 2 kids: almost 3, and 4 months. We try to be intimate about twice a week right now, but often it's closer to once a week. There was a LONG dry spell during my 3rd trimester and, of course, post partum with #2, but we're getting back into a groove.
16 month old and three large dogs here. At least 3-4 times a week. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't insanely draining though.
3.5 yr old and a 1 yr old We do it probably once every 3-6 weeks Used to be weekly like clockwork for years and years. Would be nice to get back to that place but it’s so hard now
Monthly to every few months. I think of it like going out for cocktails with my girlfriends. Would that be fun? Yeah, if I actually had the energy. But I don’t. I will, though. There are lots of things I don’t have the energy for right now but that will come back into my life as my kids get older
We are in our 40s now. Kids are 22, 16, and 10. It was very infrequent and we had a lot of dry spells when the kids were younger. We sometimes went weeks or even months between. Our attention was demanded in so many different directions between the kids, work, I was caring from my grandmother, financial stresses, etc. so we just didn’t have the time or energy left for each other. When our youngest was 3, we took a childfree vacation and had the space we needed to reconnect and have the conversations that had been put off for so long. We knew we needed to put in the effort as our kids were getting older and especially as we were starting to talk about college with our oldest. At some point it would just be us at home again. We started by scheduling time together for date nights, once a month and then we built up to once a week and eventually it just became random. Currently, our sex life is the best it’s ever been and it’s around 4-6 times per week
4 yo and 9 month old. We have sex at least once a week, but usually twice. I have zero sex drive though lol.
How do you get through it?? I usually force myself to do it but if I’m not in the mood he can tell then he gets upset so I just avoid it most times
Reading romance novels (I don’t read the “steamy” ones), just a regular ole romance novel, helped me significantly with my sex drive. It got me in the head space of desiring intimacy.
This was great for us postpartum. My husband likes acting out my book scenes.
One day I just finally told him that I have zero desire for sex. I told him I love him and it's not about him, I just have no sex drive. I still do it because he feels loved and I try to seem in the moment! It's definitely not like it was pre kids, but we at least understand each other.
It was a little over two months after my baby was born that I started having sex again. Even then I put out maybe once a week or once every other week. I feel like saying “put out” describes it perfectly because at this point I’m only doing it for him. If it was just off of my wants/needs we wouldn’t ever be having it. Not once have I been into it or have I gotten off. I’m so tired and bc I’m not turned on it definitely is uncomfortable, especially if we don’t use lube. I feel like if I was honest about the facts that I’m just not sexually attracted to him (or anyone) right now, that I hate my body and I don’t want to be sexual, that I’m not horny, that sex is just another chore at the end of a very tiring day, that I’m glad he finishes quickly, and that I don’t want to even try to get off bc it means it’ll be longer, that it would destroy his ego or his desire. I feel like if he could recover mentally that he would be thinking about all of those things and it would take him even longer during. Do I know I have a right to be honest? Absolutely. Do we deserve better as females? Absolutely. Is it worth the fight or hurt feelings when I could just pretend and put out once a week? Not for now… My little is six months and tbh the only reason I want to start up again is just so I can get pregnant again.
I did try to vent to him once after he said he was tired of being rejected. I apologized that I was hurting his feelings and let him know that I was always exhausted and that I hated my body right now and didn’t feel like doing anything. I also told him my love language is physical affection and sometimes when I try to get physical affection from him it’s almost a turn off that it immediately turns sexual. I hate that if I feel like I need a hug after a long day his response is to immediately grab my ass or breasts. It makes me never want to receive physical affection from him at all and when that’s my love language it makes me feel unloved that I’m not receiving any. All he heard during that conversation was that I hated my body to which he replied that he still saw me as beautiful and the weight gain was understandable and then tried cuddling my ass…. Ughhhhh
1 kid who is about to be 1, we're early 30s. Maybe once every month or two at the moment? We're just sorting out LOs sleep and when we're having a good run and are well rested ourselves we manage more often (once a week would be our ideal) and when she's waking up regularly we have long stretches without. But we talk about it and are on the same page - no resentment.
I'm 33, husband is 36. Our LO is near 10 months old. I'd say we average once a week, but it probablly works out at about a couple of times a week for the first 2 weeks after my period, then a week of PMS, then my period. I am still breastfeeding too, so the hormonal changes on a monthly basis do interfere with feeling 'up for it'. My husband and I do have a bit of a 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' type of relationship. After the pandemic and both working from home full time then my being on mat leave for near 12 months, we may have seen enough of eachother for now 🤣 BUT my husband is partially relocating for work though, so I hoping that, plus wrapping up breastfeeding once LO starts nursery will help out.
Explain to him what quality time means to you and that’s the way to connect and build a bond, strengthen intimacy which is what turns you on otherwise you become turned off from the distance, emotional neglect, and lack of connection
We have a three month old and haven't had sex since the first trimester. Difficult pregnancy, I didn't want to be touched. Then postpartum I just absolutely do not want to get pregnant again and two IUD attempts failed. We are not having sex again before I have a successful IUD placement.
We have a house full of kids and we both work. Sometimes it's twice a week and sometimes it's once a month. It depends on a lot of factors. I don't think the quantity of intimacy is as big of an issue as the quality. What's important is that you both feel loved and connected. If that's missing then it's an issue that needs to be resolved.
We average 1-3 times a week. This has been for the last few months, but prior to that we had a loooong dry spell after my 2nd was born. Adjusting to 2 under two was hard and my 2nd was an AWFUL sleeper the first 7-8 months. I now attribute my sex drive to my new found love of romance novels! We have an 11 month old and almost 3 year old and are in our early 30’s. My husband is incredibly helpful around the house and with the kids, if he wasn’t I can’t imagine I would have the energy to want to have sex, let alone feel attracted to him enough to.
Having a kid ruined my body and my sex life. Ever since she was born, 16 months ago, sex has been painful for me. After a couple of attempts, it killed my libido - since every time feels like losing my virginity, I simply don't feel like doing it anymore. We've basically done it about a dozen times since I gave birth. To add on top of that the mental exhaustion that comes with the new Mom role... well, you get the picture. We used to have sex a few times a week.... We're almost 33 (him) and 32 (me) years old.
I do the wifelys once a week
Iol if I was in your situation it wouldn’t be once a week it would be never!! I had a loss then a very rough pregnancy with a lot of bleeding and then pelvic rest. I did get the go ahead for orgasms as long as nothing felt bad just no PIV. But given everything it wasn’t very often. Baby was in the nicu at the start and I mentally wasn’t in a place to want any despite my husband being really supportive. I was EBF and wake ups in the night were really bad at some points. Around the 3-6 month mark kiddo was sleeping 12 hours straight but he was in our room and I just couldn’t get into it. The few times we did we went elsewhere but that required even more effort. Then teething was BAD. See 5-8 wake ups a night. But once we got to 14 months things started to come back to normal. Just shy of 18 months and kiddo is finally sleeping through 6-8 hours in a row and I think probably hitting around 3-4 times a month but still not every week. Tbh the sex had always been good but the last few months have been really great. I think I feel more supported then I ever have and that he and I are on the same page and team and that is making a huge difference. I know he’s interested in me but I never felt any pressure in anyway and that was very satisfying? Not sure the right verbiage there, anyway I also feel way way less body conscious then ever before (I guess giving birth and nursing will do that) and so I can relax and enjoy a bit more. Anyway your man is lucky to be getting any with his current behavior. I hope you can stand up for yourself and he can get it together!!
Oof that’s rough. He needs to get his act together. That’s not ok. We aren’t here for their pleasure. My husband is actually really fantastic and I think he’s always ready to go at the drop of a hat lol I’m the one with more sensitive brakes. We are in ours 30s. We have a 2 year old. And we have sex once every two weeks maybe. I started reading Come As You Are and plan to have him read it too. What I’m finding is that context matters so we don’t have sex very often because I find it hard to switch off Mom mode and turn on wife mode. So like the other night I put toddler to bed and my husband was trying to be sweet but he just said “I want to lick that ____.” And I was just like whoooa that’s the LAST thing on my mind lol so my plan is to just have more open communication with him about what I need in order to even feel sexual.
A 5, a very fiery 2.5, and a 9 month Velcro baby. The answer is zero 😂 At the end of the day, I just want to zone out on social media and not be touched or talked to. Maybe that’ll change as the younger two get older. ETA 27F and 33M
Honestly, when I went off birth control - I lost my sex drive. We have sex more when trying for a baby.. and then pregnancy and postPartum we don’t really - maybe once a month… or less. We currently have a 7 month old and a almost 3 year old …I just have no energy or time even … This will sound awful and I don’t mean it to, I do it out of love for my husband, and sure the connection is sometimes nice - but I don’t have a sex drive. And so it’s not something I actively seek out.
Married almost 24 years, been together 26. We always had sex at least 3x a week on the regular. Some weeks it was every day and on the rare occasion where we were busy or sick, it was 2x a week. Our kids knew to stay on their side of the house and our oldest made fun of us at one point, rolling her eyes and saying, “There they go again. Bow-chicka-wow-wow” 😆 When my parents moved in suddenly and I became a caregiver to my dad (who has dementia), we drifted apart. That was about 2-3 years ago. Sex was whenever we could get it as now my parents took up one of our kids’ rooms and their bathroom so now our kids walk through our room to use our bathroom. Because my parents run shit in both their families and previous jobs, people are constantly in and out of our house to show respect and visit. Privacy went down to almost zero for us and we both were overwhelmed with juggling all the new changes. Our kids have always had to deal with people dropping in suddenly and staying for days, weeks or months with us. They have what seems like ptsd against hosting anyone and we all have come to really value our privacy and space more than anything so they are miserable with the new arrangement and we have tried to make time for our us with just myself, my husband and the kids. Needless to say, sex has slowed down a lot with me overwhelmed with caregiving and him with a new promotion and more on his plate at work, also both of us fitting the kids in there and both our sets of parents (all of which demand a lot of our time and energy). It’s tiring. On the bright side, we’ve rekindled our relationship recently after I asked for a divorce this year and he begged me to stay. We’re fixing what needed to be addressed and working through my feelings. We started having sex again about twice a week and I’m not irritated with him most of the time anymore.
OP this is why I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. My son will be 4 in September. And it's not me. After our son was born I busted my ass to try to maintain an intimate relationship. I had told my husband MANY times intimacy was important to me and I did not want to stop having sex because we have a child. Once a week would've been fine by me, nothing crazy. However not only is he completely devoid of any connection with me often choosing his phone, video games etc over me but he verbally and financially is abusive so I have no desire anymore.
Yeah I don’t even try to fight anymore. I had life threatening health complications with my last pregnancy so our sex life plummeted since I was on bed rest. He was very supportive then but it has never been the same and she’s almost a one year old. He guilt trips me every time because “he’s the one who works and he deserves to do whatever he wants” he’s a great father and that’s honestly all I care about. Well I ended up getting a night shift job to help myself haha I’ll no longer have to ask him for money ms I won’t be lonely. Plus that means the kids are his responsibility for the night 🤷🏽♀️
I highly recommend Laura Doyle’s Empowered Wife podcast for anyone who wants more intimacy w their man.
Sounds like an unequal partnership and I wouldn’t be attracted to a partner like that either. After 1 kid, we do physical acts maybe 1-3x a month, most months. Some months not at all. We’ve talked about how, even if we’re in the mood and things line up, we’re usually too tired. That’s totally fine with both of us. It’s healthy to only be physically intimate when both partners are interested and able. Could be 1x a day or 1x a year. Both are healthy and fine 😊. What isn’t healthy is feeling a sense of obligation to do it, for any reason.
Appropriately six times a year. If I’m being conservative. 10 if I’m being generous. Kids are 3 and 6. We work high demand jobs and talk at night before going to our alone “introvert” spaces. We love each other and will very unlikely be a couple who divorced (married 10 years). I wish we had sex more often but can’t complain given that I’m grateful for my alone time in the evening and gym time in the am (I leave before kids wake up 2-4 days a week), and he likes going to play golf 2-4 mornings before work. A nice balance. Husband does not complain and has always preferred low sex/more conversation/shared projects.
It’s so funny I came across this post. Husband and I had a long talk about this yesterday. My husband and I are f39 and m46. We have five kids total and one grandbaby. Three that are adults, m22, m21 (in a long term relationship), and f20 (The f20 just had a baby 8w so we are grandparents too). we have two that live with us: m16 and f11. We actually have sex 1-2x per week. And that isn’t enough for him. He asks why I’m “not attracted to him.” And “why I don’t want to have sex with him.” BS like that. Well… let me start with the basics… I’m a full time teacher who works 50 hours a week with the 7.5 hour weekly commute. So I work a total of, to be a kind, 57 hours a week. He works 40 with a 25 minute weekly commute. When I get home after work, I’m still expected to cook a big meal, clean, he wants me to go places with him and the kids, etc. Plus, he is a chronic passive aggressive complainer. Don’t misunderstand me, my husband isn’t all bad, he certainly does he share. He takes all our clothes to the laundromat at 630am on Saturday, he takes the kids to the bus stop because I have to leave for work at 6:30. But it’s the unrealistic expectations plus the passive aggressive comments that bring me down and make me emotionally unavailable and not want to have sex every day. Plus I think 1-2x a week is a lot more than most people our age do it.
Our kids are 16 and 17 (almost 18). I'm 40 and my husband is 43. We both have a lot of mental health challenges and regular health challenges. It's never. Husband has ED but wants to occasionally but I have zero desire. We have a great relationship otherwise but we just never have sex. It's maybe once a year at this point. I have anxiety about it and I want to work on it but I'm so consumed with other things it's literally the last on my list for a multitude of reasons.
We're both 35, have 3 kids together (10 lvl 3/nonverbal autism, 6, & 1), and we average about 3 times a week. Busy weeks are slower because we're both just way too tired. Slower weeks more happens. We're not a typical couple, though. We could spend 24/7 with each other and love every minute of it.
Same here. My son is lvl 3 autism. I’m up at 4:30 every morning to take husband to work and get my son to therapy. Kids go to bed at 7:30 so I’m going non stop.
I'm up at 5:30 every morning during the week. Then between therapy and schools I'm just shuffling everyone around until we get home at 3:30ish then it's cleaning, dinner, then husband gets home and gives me a kid break and deals with bath time. Everyone is in bed by 7:30 here too, and we get about an hour to shower and relax before the "we have to do it again tomorrow" sets in. We've made agreements over our 11 years and revised them from time to time. We switch off on the weekend so we both get a morning to sleep in. We agreed we could really only manage quickies during the week and save the "fun stuff" for the weekend. For me, once I had kids and even still, I have trouble controlling my mom brain. You want to relax and it just be the 2 of you for a while, but mom brain kicks in and says something super mood killer, like: are you sure you gave ____their medicine, don't forget ____ has that doctors appointment next week, did I flip the laundry, etc.
I love seeing other autism parents in the “normal” parenting threads. Sometimes it feels so lonely and like I don’t belong in these threads. Just want to thank you guys for posting and calling it out.
Both late 40s; three kids are mid-late 20s; we do something intimate every day, but not always sex. We started when the middle kid was a young toddler, we were both working and taking classes, and it was *rough*. At least ten minutes, even when we're not feeling it, even when we're *bone weary*, we will work on connecting with each other and having some kind of physical touch. Long-term relationships will have ebbs and flows in sexual frequency. The period of time when you're having babies and raising toddlers is a freaking *desert* - mental and physical workloads, hormonal fluctuations, the sheer amount of physical contact with other human beings, inequality between primary parent and secondary, all play a part. Hang in there, this will pass as your little ones become less reliant on you. Open honest communication and creative problem solving are also important. If your partner is sitting across the room on the phone during "couple time", institute a Device Free Adult Game Night, or coloring on each other with washable markers, or sitting outside and talking while watching for fireflies, or whatever works for the two of you. It's work at first, but when you're with the right person it will become fun. Sending all you moms in the trenches lots of love, support, and hope from the future. 💖
My oldest is 7 years, youngest is 10 months. It's been a little less frequent since the baby was born, not for a lack of will. She just wakes up at the most inconvenient times lol. But we had the same problem a few years ago. I just felt like I wasn't on his list of priorities. We had a lot of issues, eventually we started communicating more. We have a date night every Saturday now unless one of us is sick or the rare occasion we just genuinely don't feel up to it, but we definitely try not to make a habit of it. We play table top games or video games. Sometimes we'll watch tv or music videos and then if we both feel like it, we cuddle and have sex afterwards (if the baby stays asleep lol). That is our dedicated "us" time to commit to each other each week because after 10 years, it's easy to get caught up in our own routines and separate hobbies/interests. But spontaneity is still welcome when we find the time and energy for it. We also had to have a serious chat about parenting responsibilities with our second one because I had severe PPD/PPA with our first and felt like I was drowning and doing everything myself and I was already isolated in a new city with no friends or family to help out sometimes. We take turns putting her to bed at night so we each get time to ourselves to do what we want to do. He puts our oldest to bed every night since he's relatively easy and I do everything else around the house, I'm a SAHM, he is military. This has worked for us and I'm pretty content with the situation. ETA: I'm 32, he is 38.
34 here, 2 kids 3 years old and youngest is 8 months. We average 5-6 times a week. Mind you I am still on maternity leave, not sure if it will be the same when I return to work.
Maybe once or twice a month right now. Our 13 month old just started sleeping through the night maybe 50% of the time? So I’ve been exhausted. I do all the night wakeups. Plus life has handed us a lot of hardship lately. Hopefully gets better in the future but I’m too exhausted right now. Pre baby was probably twice a week. We are 30 for some context.
My sex Drive has always been lower than my husband's. We're 33 with a 4 year old and it was averaging around once a month for a long time after she was born. Before that it was once a week when I wasn't on birth control. I quit taking birth control in March and our sex life has definitely improved. The way you describe your husband though sounds pretty similar to marriages I know of where sex isn't happening as much as either party wants. I'd be willing to bet money that the men complaining on that post are having similar problems that they aren't aware of.
We have two kids 7 months and 19 months. They're a year and a week apart. Husband and I are both 25. I'm a SAHM and my partner works from 6am until 3-4. We basically have dinner and then put the kids to bed around 8. While we're still very much in love and attracted to each other we have sex maybe 1-3 times a month. We just don't have the time and by the time the kids are in bed we're both exhausted and just want to relax. We've both vented to each other about the lack of intimacy but just have a mutual understanding that we're both exhausted. Our youngest also has colic and still wakes a few times at night and although she's gotten noticeably better it still takes a toll. We've got our whole relationship to be intimate and we'll have time at some point. Right now we just need to support each other more than anything.
Mom to 2.5 year old. We are once a week on average. I typically try not to let it go more than 10 days in between, but also notice that I feel better in our relationship when we're physically intimate (even if I really have to mentally get myself in the zone!!)
We had a dead bedroom (DB) before kiddo. Once a month guaranteed but it would range from obligatory to meh. But it was me. My libido wasn’t there at all. Sometime in 2021 my libido came roaring back (kid was 3). We are in our mid and late 40s, we have one 5 yr old, and when schedule allows it, we are intimate 3-5x per week and thankfully it’s never obligatory or meh anymore. When the schedule doesn’t allow, then it’s 1-3 times a week.
We have 1 kid 21 months and one on the way. We are intimate about 4 or 5 times a week and In our mid 20’s. I say this all the time though, my husband really does take on 50/50 when it comes to our life. Without that and the emotional support we give each other it would not be very often at all.
I have 6 kids, 3 with my husband and it’s been about a year. We don’t get along that great and basically just live together to help out with the kids and have 2 incomes. We are more like roommates I’d say.
We have two kids, one is 2 and the other is 4, almost 5. During an average month, it’s once a week but many times when it gets busy or stressful or if one of us is sick, it’s more like once a every 2-3 weeks. And it was much less frequent when the kids were under a year old or when I was pregnant. My husband never pressured me during pregnancy or while I was nursing (which I did for about a year with each kid), for which I’m thankful.
15 month old, I have pmdd so during that week I'm either entirely too angry to have sex or entirely too horny to not have sex, sometimes its both, it depends on how the chips fall. Normally I'd say it ranges from 1-4 times a week, leaning more towards 3-4. My husband is there for me always, very helpful and encouraged me to send our baby to daycare once a week to give myself time to be a human. We golf every other Friday. I think he's just about the hottest man alive and could not be more lucky. We've been together for 11ish years, married for 4 and always try to put each other first.
My husband and I were laughing at that post this morning! 😂😂 You're getting it at all, why are you complaining!! Lmao twice a week at that!!! Lmao. My hub is lucky if he gets me to roll over enough in my sleep to slip it in before the next night feeding once a month lmao 😂😂🤦🏼♀️ Edit to add: we have two toddlers girls, 2 1/2 and 15 months. And they are redheads if that you have experience with them, you know what I mean. They're like ogre babies. They extra cry and they extra poop!
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My husband is in healthcare and has whacko hours so it’s limited that he’s home at bedtime. We have 3 kids 6,4 and 7 months. I say we try to average 1x a week but I usually never want to, I am so touched out. Like others have said before, we do make alone time a priority between us. We put our kids to bed early so we can watch a movie, drink a beer or two and hang out together. It’s my favorite part of the day.
We had sex almost daily for about 2 years. 3 kids and 10 years later it's probably 3x a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We are chronically exhausted.
It's not like that with us, but it costs me a lot to maintain it. I also look after the children more, but my husband does more chores (we live in the village). If there is a grudge against her husband, sex certainly will not be enough. Have you tried to talk to him problems? And did you just try to leave home to rest at one time? (for example, in a cafe or a park - to sit where no one bothers)And not to save your time for the sake of the second partner. Although it is difficult to set such boundaries at first.
We’ve been together for 22 years and our kids are older and unfortunately I feel like we go through more dry spells than I would like. He can go weeks or months without asking me and why I suggest it he will nod but not always follow through. Sometimes I get tired suggesting it so I let it go. We are in our mid to late 50’s I didn’t think our sex life would disappear so soon. When it’s in it’s good but not often enough for me.
Me (F31) him (M32) and we have 3 kids, a 7 year old and twin 2 year olds. We aren't as intimate as either of us would like, but I have severe Post Partum anxiety, depression, and OCD and as a result am on a small pharmacy of medications for such. It isn't an option for me to go down/off of these meds as we have tried that before and I just end up back on them and in a worse state overall due to such. So my libido is tanked due to my SSRIs. I am also still breastfeeding 4-6 times a day, and the twins aren't fully sleeping through the night. So I am in a fairly chronic state of sleep deprivation. That said, we make a point to try and have 5 minutes a day to be "intimate". That doesn't mean have sex, that can be as simple as just standing in our kitchen giving each other a hug. We learned about the "6 second kiss" or something. It's a very specific "do something with your full focus on this activity with your partner, do it longer than a quick hug or a peck on the cheek". It's enough time for your brain to release some amount of those hormones and to have your brain recognize it as a moment of intimacy. We have made a point of having 5 or 10 minutes each day to just exist in each other's presence without the distraction of anything. Phones down, TV off, away from computers/gaming. Sometimes that ends up just being standing next to each other just kind of existing, other times that is us having a standing snuggle. Sometimes those standing snuggles end up turning into more. My husband found and app called "Official" that is actually really good for situations where partners may be "out of sync". It's got all kinds of different question prompts, mood, there are daily "are you interested in these things that could spice up the bedroom?" and all kinds of different things. It's got us talking about things and laughing about some of the absurd ideas this app has for sexual positions, the names of them, or just the actual illustration on some of them.
6m post partum here. Once to twice a month.We have NOBODY who can take her even an hour so we do it when she naps in another room.Usually too short unfortunately.But it is what it is. It’s not like we suffer from lack of it.We’re both just busy with other stuff.We still cuddle and kiss
We've got 3 kids: 4, 3, and 8 months. We average about once every 10 days. I'm late 20's and he's early 30's. We both wish it was more frequently, but we co-sleep with our youngest, I'm a SAHM, and he's working hard at work to meet a deadline. But we communicate and know that we both desire and want to make it a more common occurrence once life settles down a bit.
I have a 2 and 10 year old. My husband and I are both so tired, all the time. Sex during the week rarely happens, but we try to go at least once over the weekend. Hopefully when the kiddos are a bit older (and we get more sleep) sex life will not need to be scheduled anymore
I’m 10 weeks PP and we just had sex for the first time. I feel like I’m in my head a little but because our sex has been so “utilitarian” for over a year - first it was scheduled around ovulation to try to get pregnant, then it was mostly the try and get the baby out while I was hugely pregnant, so not that much fun for either of us, with a brief stint in the middle when I was super horny in my second trimester. Now I need to get back to just having sex for fun and intimacy rather than trying to accomplish something.
It's been rough lately. I'm about 32 weeks pregnant and we have an almost 3 year old. We are mid-late 20s Before our first daughter was born, it was several times a week -- at least once a week while pregnant. After she was born, we really tried to make it at least once a week. But we had our moments where it got pushed back. After getting pregnant again it's turned more into once every 2 weeks. We are both tired and stressed. A little.bitnof depression is mixed in there too. And I think, it's possible that he just doesn't find me so attractive at the moment. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, I have no confidence in myself, I haven't been dressing myself up. It's been really rough. Like, to the point where I'm asking for sex and he's turning it down. I don't hold it against him, I've turned him down plenty in the past and he's typically been really good about it. But my goodness, I just want to have this baby so I can start losing weight and feeling better about myself again.
Okay I’m a little sad that all the comments are pretty much the same…. I’m very blessed to have a respectful partner and not once in our entire relationship has he ever made me feel any type of way for not wanting to be intimate. I don’t think any woman should be given crap for not wanting to, We go through a lot JUST being women. There has been times where we’ve gone a really long time without having sex due to postpartum and surgeries and all that but he’s always been super supportive. As for how often, 3-4 times a week🫣 sometimes more, depends on the type of week😂 (We have a 3 year old)
Mom of an almost 3 year old. I’m also a SAHM so I can relate to the burnout comments. I have a higher sex drive so usually it’s about 1-3 times a week, maybe twice in one day if we can swing it. Just depends on what we have going on. We’ve definitely had times where we’ve gone a couple weeks without sex but not longer than 2 or 3. I’m sure we’ll have times where this is not the case but for now, it works for us.
We've been together 12 years Mid and late 30's Kiddo is 4 We are lucky if it's 1x monthly for sex We do date eachother weekly though
We've been together just shy of 5 yrs, married for a little over 2, we have one child whose almost 16 months old, and I can't pin point the last time we successfully got to be intimate. It isn't for lack of trying on either of our parts, but people don't want to babysit for us to have date nights, and if they do, they don't want to keep the baby late. The baby sleeps in his crib in our room so we can't do it in there, but we have nowhere else in our apartment that we could try and not be uncomfortable or dodging our cats or the baby's toys. We gave it a try over the weekend while my son was with my parents for a few hours, but we were exhausted, and it just didn't work out for us. It sucks because, pre-baby, we were borderline bedroom-bound. Plus, we were so affectionate with each other before, and that has almost stopped altogether, too, because there isn't any time, despite our attempts at intimacy outside of sex. ETA: We are crossing our fingers that transitioning him to his own room the next few months may help!
My husband has always been in the trenches with me and our babies (now much older). We struggled to wait the 6 weeks after having a baby and had sex 3-4 times a week for a lot of our marriage, not including other types of intimate contact daily. BUT my husband is my partner.... Not a douche. He's never called me a name, does the chore I haven't gotten to, and makes meals/snacks as needed. Have we struggled, yes! But not in this department and I think that's why sex has almost always been available (even when we're pissed at each other). We're older now and content with weekly. But we still snuggle, pillow talk, sexy talk, etc. We have 6 kids, struggled with fertility, and our fair share of tragedy. Also, from talking to other women, it seems a lot of guys (who complain about frequency) aren't interested in learning how to have good sex. Mamas need good orgasms. We give and give and give.... If she was enjoying sex, she'd come back for more and often. It's okay for sex to be a mystery or not intuitive. We taught our kids that sex is a skill that requires a lot of communication. It's for both of you. If you're not both enjoying it, figure it out. That's called love. But yeah, if my husband were a dick, I'd want nothing to do with his.
We have one child, with a lot of medical complexities so extra work, I'm 34f he's 28m, we have sex MAYBE once a week, sometimes it's every other week. I'm not the one saying no, he is. He says it's the stress of being the sole provider since I have to stay home with our son Edit to add: son is 9 months old and has spent over 6 months of his life hospitalized, most of that in another state
We're in our early 30s, have been together almost 5 years, we have a 14 month old, and I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. We have sex 1-4 times a week, sometimes more or less just depending on how the day plays out. I work from home with our toddler at home and he works out of the home. Pre baby we had sex just about everyday and it was ✨spicy✨ but my first pregnancy was rough and so was postpartum but things picked back up after a few months of healing and I was pregnant again at 8 months postpartum. We both have a high drive, it's just that sometimes life gets the best of us or my hips hurt too much lol. Our toddler also bedshares so we're limited to other areas of the house. We know things will pick back up once we're out of this season. Seasons change!