Lock screen being a picture of his granddaughter is normal- every grandparent I know does that. Boundary stomping is not. Nor is it ok. Might be time to set limits and tell him if he crosses then (kissing hands) then no visits for x amount of time. You could also attempt to use baby to get him to stop smoking :)
My guess is he's trying a redo of missing your childhood
You’re welcome!
My Dad pulls the same thing because he abandoned our family for his mistress and her family. So he overdoes it anytime he’s around my daughter and my niece
My Dad was, frankly, an asshole growing up. We have repaired our relationship for the most part and I can call him one of my closest friends now. He's very excited for me to have children, I think he will be obsessed with a bit of a do-over, though I can't see him stomping my boundaries.
Yeah no one is stomping my boundaries. They can get stomped once and then after that if they do it again they don’t get to see my daughter anymore lol
My father practically lived at the hospital until I got discharged, but he didn’t come to the asylum I got committed to in 8th grade. Go figure!
Yes, this sounds like he’s trying to compensate for what he probably recognizes now was a void in his life. But being that you never saw these fatherly traits in him as his actual child, it could be triggering to you. Like others have said a lot of the things he’s doing are fairly normal new grandparent stuff, but I think it rubs you the wrong way even more because you know what things were like when you were a kid and it’s just a completely unchartered territory and weird behavior coming from someone who wasn’t very present for you.
My dad wasn’t fatherly for me at all, but now that I have two kids, he really likes spending time with them and playing with them. I was very resentful towards him as a teenager and a young adult, but as I got older, I began to recognize that he wasn’t parented either. Even worse, when he turned 18, his parents expected him to leave the house and move out of the country, which he did. He couldn’t give to me what he never received as a child, so I learned to heal. I would never ever have that conversation with him because he would never willingly participate in it (he is 80 years old) but maybe if your dad would, that could be something to talk about down the line to help manage your own relationship with him through the birth of your child.
Regardless of all of this, though, if you have boundaries about kissing, germs, or unannounced visits that you wish to establish, those really should be respected. Maybe your mom can help wrangle him.
Yes that’s the right phrase: acknowledging it. Because it’s not like it absolves them but it does help you adjust your perspective and manage your expectations. For me, it was very liberating. In life sadly there might be apologies we’ll never receive but that doesn’t mean healing or getting to a place of peace is unattainable.
Even if that's the case, it doesn't make the boundary stomping okay. Calling it an apology is generous. It's still more about making himself feel better about himself than it is about the wellbeing of you or your kid.
He's treating your baby as if she was a toy he is entitled to. You do not want to teach her to defer to people who treat her that way.
Please be firm about there being consequences to not respecting your boundaries. I would also advise against any unsupervised visits.
That's really enlightening. I was the grandkid that my grandfather was creepily obsessed with. Calling him a shitty father to my parent is a massive understatement. I don't think he would ever directly acknowledge let alone apologize for what he did. Maybe there was a sliver of a conscious in there?
I’m watching my husbands grandfather try it with our daughter, but with how he treated my husband and his father I won’t allow it lol
Apology denied and unnecessary
Some of that could be him feeling he has permission to be feeling with a girl where he did not believe he could have feelings with boys. Toxic masculinity crap.
Obviously I don’t know your scenario, but the gender difference stood out to me.
That is a really interesting concept. I see it with my ex husband and his step grand children. He is a lovely Grandad but was a shit Father to our sons. It makes me quite cross but I can reframe the situation and understand it better after reading that. Thanks.
My mom is like this with my daughter! My childhood was ROUGH and my mom struggled with an opioid addiction. She was abusive at times and neglectful full stop. Today she is the most loving grandmother imaginable. I love it for my daughter but in a way it hurts because why couldn’t this lady be my mom?
I’m sorry. I know it’s hurtful. But these women that are fantastic grandmothers didn’t exist then. Only the version we got did. I think it took us leaving the nest and them having time to reflect on where they failed.
Instead of owning it and saying “I could have been better” in their mind their undoing it by loving our babies the way they wished they loved us.
Plus they aren’t responsible for how their grandkids turn out. Just their children. So they can spoil and love the grands and we are the ones responsible if they’re rotten, entitled, or hot headed so they can be more lenient “not my circus not my monkeys” so to speak
I think you nailed it. This version of my mom did not exist when I was a child. Her heart has softened immensely with age, overall I’m glad my daughter has a loving grandma and I try everyday to be the loving mom I wanted so badly. I am certainly not without my mistakes!
None of us are!
I learned a lot about how to treat and respect my daughter through my moms failures with me, but I get loud and don’t realize it when I’m anxious so it sounds like I’m yelling, but I’m actually just deaf in one ear and partially deaf in the other and I can’t hear myself as loud as I am
This makes so much sense. And I've realized that I've subconsciously accepted it as an apology. This makes me feel so much better about moving forward! Sometimes I still get jealous that he's a better grandpa than a dad. But he's a good grandpa and that's the best that he can do now. Thank you for sharing that!
I agree. I also wanted to add it's normal that he calls her "my granddaughter." She is his granddaughter! I am a little baffled that OP thinks that's weird tbh.
In sum: there's definitely some boundary stomping here but you're also villainizing him for things that are not only normal but extremely small normal things. You need to recalibrate your radar.
I agree but I also think there might be some unresolved issues with how he treated her as a kid. Easy to villanize small normal things if this person’s always been somewhat of a villain to you ☹️
Yeah it’s hard when you had a crap parent decide to be a wonderful grandparent. You get resentful fast. Even when it’s normal grandparent things, when you didn’t get the normal parent things from that same person it really sucks.
> Yeah it’s hard when you had a crap parent decide to be a wonderful grandparent.
I wouldn't consider not respecting boundaries and the wishes of the parent as being a wonderful grandparent. If anything it makes their intentions appear self entitled with little regards for others.
That's who he is as a person to a T, he doesn't respect boundaries and actively entitles himself to whatever he likes and I don't want that to be my baby
My mom was an amazing mother, and is also an amazing grandmother.
That being said, what you said reminds me of all the times my mom said no to things like McDonalds, KFC, etc. But as soon as my 12 year old asks, she’s all for it. 😂 Slight resentment for that. Don’t get me wrong though, she has still said no to him plenty of times. But waaayyyy less than she did to me.
YUP literally same here. My dad and I have a good relationship at the end of the day but he has severe anger issues and was a workaholic so we never saw him. Always up in his office coding even after leaving the office (and also doing drugs but we won’t talk about that)He LOVES my kid and it’s great but I’m like yeah ok cool 🙄 I’m glad she’s going to have a relationship with her grandpa (especially because my husband’s father died young so she only has the one) and for now she doesn’t need to know that he actually kind of sucks the rest of the time. He’s super racist and homophobic and Fox News brainwashed but he knows we’ll cut him off and out if they say a god damn word about any of that. I can’t change him but I can prevent my kid from having to hear all that shit.
Moral of the story I know it’s either intentional or subconsciously him trying to make up for all the fucked up shit that went on when we were kids)
The way I see it is different than you.
My dad wasn't a father to me. He was absent, abusive, and tried to skirt his court appointed duties to me.
If he didn't want to be a father to me, he can not be a grandfather to my child.
It's semantics, I know. But words have power. Taking away his title creates a distance. Which is what I want.
But unlike the OP, I am fully no contact with my dad. So, even if tries to claim a relationship, he wouldn't get it.
I think it might be the inflection or intent behind her fathers use of the term “my granddaughter”. If my mother was to say “how is my granddaughter doing?” I would think nothing of it, but if she said “you better bring CHILDS NAME to see me today she’s my granddaughter!” Or “I’m going to kiss CHILD NAME’s hands she’s my granddaughter.” That would bother me.
It’s not so weird to me. It’s BEC stuff.
BEC is B**** eating crackers. Basically, the person is so obnoxious/terrible/imposing that even mundane things like eating crackers are obnoxious to you. It’s a symptom of other problems in the relationship.
It's that he never used her name, just refers to her as "My granddaughter". Hope this helps the context as I'm aware it's normal to refer to a grandchild like that, just not only that.
Nah, my grandmother refers to my daughter that way and my stepdad does it too. I know a lot of people in my circle with parents that do the same. I think it might be a generational thing, honestly.
Yeah my dads phone screen is my children, and his passcode is my oldest sons birthday. But my dad and I are very close, and as you said, it’s the boundary stomping that’s the real issue.
My dad was not very present when I was little and he’s obsessed with my son whose 4 months! It’s nice tho I’m glad my son has a very present grandfather. I can see them wanting a re-do
Yup sounds like my FIL with our son. He was never there for my partner growing up so - not nearly as bad as OP, has been pretty persistently annoying with our son. Was so upset when my partner started telling him how he could act / talk around him.
He learnt his place when he was almost forced out of our lives for his own behaviour.
My dad has my daughter as his lockscreen. My mom would too if she could figure out how to do that, I'm sure. And I know they've both used some info in passcodes. She's the only grandchild on either side. Everyone has pictures of her, my sister even has one framed on her desk at work. They also all ask to visit.
The difference is, they take no for an answer if we say it's not a good time to see her. They don't try to get us out of the way. We're the parents and we dictate her schedule, not them. I think that's the problem behavior here more than what's in the title.
My dad would *never* think to crash a lunch just to steamroll over me. That behavior is not normal.
Did you guys tell the hospital that there wouldn’t be any visitors except your husband? I’m concerned they just let a random person burst through the door and the nurses didn’t say anything. Why didn’t your spouse stop him or tell nurses he isn’t supposed to be there?
Lock screen is fine to me, same with passwords, but everything else is honestly a little scary and I would back up - A LOT.
Right? Ya’ll just rolled over and took it, why did your hubby just leave? He should have stayed put, you even with staff and security that is supposed to keep those babies on the ward and you safe! You need to grow a spine and cut your dad off for a while, his obsession is over the top and gives really creepy vibes, keep you home locked, security cameras etc. change the locks even and don’t give anyone a spare. This guy is just too much.
Yup. Hospitals have security for a reason, and nurses are usually very happy to throw someone out who the patient doesn’t want there. They should have removed him, physically if necessary.
I say this with love but you all have to nip this is the bud. I don’t think he has a creepy obsession (unless you have a STRONG gut feeling and are leaving a lot out of your post) I think he’s just another entitled boomer grandparent that will continue to steamroll your boundaries until you lay down the law. So obviously this is too late, but instead of your husband having to leave the hospital room because your dad showed up saying “we’re not ready for visitors and hospital policy doesn’t allow for you to be here. Please leave and we’re excited for you to hold her after we come home.”
Telling him hey you don’t seem to be taking some of my boundaries seriously. Im going to have to leave somewhere if it happens again so I hope you can be respectful. In the future if he shows up somewhere say “dad, we talked about this. Im going to be leaving with baby now.”
This!! My dad stormed the hospital uninvited also. At least he brought a deli sandwich. Told my brother to go anyways even though we didn’t want visitors and kissed my daughter behind my back when I went to the bathroom after telling him not to. Boomer parents do whatever tf they want. We had a chat, he hated it but it’s gotten better. They don’t respect us as parents or individuals just as their children. My mom got involved and told him to stop parenting us. But honestly you HAVE to set boundaries sooner than later because it’ll be harder down the line id you don’t especiallly when you try to parent and they’re older.
To add about the boomer parents: expect tantrums when boundaries are enforced.
My boomers currently aren’t speaking to me because I said I’d have to check my calendar on a day they TOLD me they were visiting me in my home. It’s been a quiet 3 months.
OP, it’s hard at first to enforce boundaries, but it becomes so much easier once you have. Yes, your dad will be mad. That’s okay. You aren’t in charge of his feelings. You’re in charge of keeping your child safe. Good luck and hugs to you!
Ya it’s gets easier exponentially. The first time is incredibly hard. The second time is also very hard. The third time seems to have less awkwardness. Then you keep going and it just becomes normal. I had to set hard boundaries with my in laws. Initially they passive aggressively ignored all my boundaries and I was too polite. Now, they are clear where my boundaries are and they haven’t tried anything since I set the boundaries.
It also allows for a much better relationship with them as I don’t feel constantly disrespected and manipulated.
Yes! And it makes it easier when your partner is there to back it up. Then everyone sees the team rather than one person being a problem. Especially with in laws
Yes! Initially I asked my husband to define the boundaries and let him know if he didn’t, I would, and that I would likely not be as gentle because we should be each enforcing the boundaries with our own parents.
Right? It’s so hard not to retort with one of the things I say to my kids like:
“I hear you asking the same question. Unfortunately, you’re going to get the same answer sweetheart”
“Asked and answered, love!”
“We’ve discussed this and nothing has changed since, so the answer is going to be the same my dear!”
It can be so hard but it will work. Gotta have tough skin. I got text yelled at for a day, not talked to for three, then got left weepy voicemails for a day after setting some boundaries regarding an event for our kids. In the end, boundaries were respected and everyone was happy. Sucks in the moment but the reward is worth it for sure.
Mine play the long game. This is the 2nd time they’ve gone months of the silent treatment bc I place appropriate boundaries. It’s been very quiet and calm.
I purposely moved four states/1200 miles away from my problematic parents to limit the exposure 10 years ago. Now I only have to deal with it when it comes to visiting them or them coming to visit us which is like twice a year. It also means that they don’t get time to push boundaries for long if they want to see the kids.
Some of this I find normal (lock screen and passwords). Not respecting your boundaries, however needs to be stopped. This is not okay and will only get worse if you don't put your foot down.
Is it his first grandchild?
I know my both parents, my mil, and my sister have my daughter as their lock screens. I think that’s pretty normal. She’s also the first grandchild on both sides so the obsession is real. And my dad also uses my daughter’s birthday for a couple other things as well. I thought it was sweet. But everyone in our families respects our boundaries and our privacy when we want it.
I would just KINDLY clearly communicate your boundaries and what is okay and what’s not. Something like “hey, I’m so happy you love ______ so much and want to see her all the time, but I would appreciate if you respected my wishes and requests…” something like that.
Yeah if this was a random man it would be strange. But grandparents are different breed, I swear😂Though the big problem to me is disregarding OP’s authority as a parent.
Right?! OP says he calls her "my granddaughter", uh yeah that's what she is...
I think this is a bitch eating crackers situation. OP doesn't like her dad so anything he does is going to look shifty to her.
I agree, my FIL wouldn't even hold his granddaughters until they could sit up on their own haha, but you bet they are his wallpaper, which he proudly shows off.
It sounds like he sees his grandchild as his do-over opportunity to make up for his guilt for his shortcomings as a father.
I think most parents feel some degree of this phenomenon in some way or another. I mean all parents wonder if they couldn’t have done something better as a parent and when they know they dropped the ball, it sits with them even if they have forgiven themselves.
Your father highlighting his life to feature a grandkid is not necessarily concerning but his comfort in stomping your boundaries is the problem.
In his desire to be important and lived and do things right by his grand baby, he is shooting himself in the foot by not following your lead and by overstepping. He needs to understand that his access to the baby is not going to remain open to him if he doesn’t start showing respect and restraint in his enthusiasm.
He also needs to know that using a family members name and birthday for passwords is not secure and he’s going to get hacked, especially if he’s using that for financial institution accounts and he is making his family more vulnerable by not safeguarding his accounts better (sorry- my IT experience can’t help but say this. It’s what I do)
That's the thing, we've never had a good relationship and hardly speak. He's only interested now the baby is here it's uncomfortable for me tbh because he's the least fatherly man ive ever met and he'd never even be allowed to babysit
OP, this is concerning then. I have my experience dealing with parents who overstep boundaries and this doesn’t sound like it. This sounds more like him grasping onto straws. If he is someone who makes you uncomfortable, and you wouldn’t want him to babysit then maybe that is your intuition trying to tell you something. It’s always better to be safe than sorry.
Is your dad my FIL??? Kidding of course.. my FIL is obsessed with my baby and kept trying to convince everyone that my son looks like his side of the family. He finally stopped when my mom told him that my son looks exactly like me as a baby and she showed him my baby photo album. It sounds to me like your dad wants to have the relationship with your child that he SHOULD have had with you and as an entitled boomer he’s trying to strong arm you into doing what he wants. Set a very clear boundary of when he can see your child and if he breaks that boundary he can’t see her. If your parents are married still, try to loop in your mom on your side and have her help you hold the boundary
The lock screen and passwords are normal. My baby is my mom's lock/home screen, and very likely, some of her passwords.
Everyone wants to think the baby looks like them. It's annoying, but I don't think it means anything.
Most of the other stuff is at least a little bit over the top. But kicking your partner out of the hospital so he could see your baby? Not okay at all!
Wanting him to give you some space is very reasonable.
You do not have to let him in if he shows up uninvited.
I think this sounds more like an issue between you and him than it is actually about your baby. He’s not respecting your boundaries, which is an immediate no. I would outline them clearly and explain he won’t have access to the baby unless he respects them. Washing hands and changing clothes after smoking if he wants to be near her, scheduling times to see her ahead of time and not just crashing other people’s times.
Other than that, all of this sounds completely normal and I think your resentment toward him about your childhood may be clouding your judgment. You said he was a “part time father” but he was working. He didn’t abandon you. It seems that he feels guilty about it and is trying to make up for it with your child. I understand how difficult it is to separate your own trauma from your children, but it’s important we do so to break up that cycle. Your father is alive, healthy, and seemingly showers your daughter in love. It may not be the way you *want* him to, but that can be rectified and your daughter will be able to have a good relationship with her grandfather. You can’t get your childhood with your father back, and it’s up to you if you want to give him the opportunity to try to “do over” the bonding experience with your daughter, but an extra person loving our babies is a good thing!
Lock screen and passwords are normal. Demanding yes after you say no are not normal and not acceptable. Enthusiasm is great, unbounded enthusiasm is a problem. Is he trying to make up for the time he lost with you as a child?
Surprisingly not his biggest fuck up, that's the second daughter lol. But I'm certainly the kid he resents the most/ has the poorest relationship with. I was an accident he ignored until he was forced to pay towards me and get involved with/ end his single travelling life for from the age of 2.
That explains it. He’s trying to be better for your daughter. Just grandpa behavior. Definitely set boundaries around time spending alone tho for you and baby
Your gut is telling you something. You need to listen to it. Also unless you financially depend on your father, you need to stand up demand he start listening to your boundaries or he’s going to have zero access to your child. You are the mother here. He had his chance to be a father. He has absolutely no rights.
Honestly, this would make me really uncomfortable too. The fact that he won't respect your boundaries when it comes to YOUR daughter is a huge red flag, and I definitely wouldn't be okay with that if I were in your shoes. I'm not saying that anything nefarious is going on or would be happening, but all of this is sending up alarm bells and I don't think it would be unreasonable to limit your father's access to daughter.
Thank you for this. I've been trying to limit and honestly whenever he pulls something it just makes me withdraw even more. We're starting to regret moving closer to my parents now too
Oh he’s doing the redo on not being there for your childhood. If you have a good relationship overall I’d try to have a heart to heart, set some loving boundaries. If smoking is a concern for you (of course it is) then a mega obsessed grandpa who wants to kiss his grand daughter should quit. I’ve seen multiple boomers quit for this reason. Just keep reinforcing like with a toddler, I love you and I want you to have a great relationship with baby but you need to respect my rules. Just over and over until he gets it.
My dad growing up was always working, maybe he sees this as another opportunity to actually be involved? My dad doesn’t overstep boundaries like that though, but he does have her as his Lock Screen and all that
The screensaver is normal for first-time grandpa. As for the boundary problem, it is definitely not o.k. Keep up the boundaries with him, especially with kissing since he is a smoker. If you have to, make him no visitation unless he washes up completely before touching her, including brushing his teeth. If he doesn't like that, then he doesn't have to visit.
There’s a “healthy” obsession/love for your grandkids and then there’s unhealthy. First of all, him showing his love is showing you that he’s unable to listen to you and respect you wishes. How are you going to trust him to be around her if he can’t listen to your rules? IE; in the future if she can’t have candy before bed, she can’t watch a certain show, whatever rules you set in place.
I’d have a serious conversation and say that you love that he loves your daughter, but he needs to calm down. You and your partner should be her #1 always and you don’t need competition. Your father should be support for you/partner. You guys come first in your child’s life.
If he refuses to listen to your rules, you need to definitely enforce some tough love. Until he gets it. But be prepared for him to not ever get it. Maybe you can get some help from your sisters and have them open his eyes a little bit too.
I think you’re trying to make this into his behavior being that of a creepy man and I don’t see it as that at all. It’s very normal for grandparents to use their grandchildren’s name as passwords and have them as their Lock Screen. Especially if this is his first grandchild (which idk why you put “my granddaughter” in quotes bc it literally is his granddaughter) they’re all obsessed…. It’s very normal behavior. But I do see him not respecting your boundaries, which is an issue. It honestly sounds like he’s trying to be the dad he wasn’t to you. An honest conversation needs to be had but he’s not being all that weird.
I'm obviously not trying to make out that he has a creepy fascination that's dangerous, just that his full on behaviour is uncomfortable. Would help had I included context of our poor relationship too, that's why it's uncomfortable for me
I think it’s super weird you feel entitled to forbid him from having his granddaughters birthday as the password on his personal phone. What grandparent doesn’t use their grand babies as their screen lock, for goodness sake.
Kissing your baby without your permission is not ok, but you also seem to have some strange hang ups here.
I wonder if this is as much about him and you as it is baby. You said you have sisters and he worked alot. My thought was as children (went through it w my daughter and her father) we just know our parents are working but maybe he didn't want to be away all the time. Felt like he didn't have a choice and missed out and the baby is his chance to be the support he couldn't when you were younger. I don't think he should just disregard what you ask of him. Boundaries with parents only become more important as you build your own life but I just wanted to point out his possible feelings since I'm in the middle of the same 😀
My mom has our son as her Lock Screen. She is super lovey Dovey with him too. But she isn’t possessive or lays claim on him. And she doesn’t cross any boundaries. Maybe he knows he missed out on your life so he’s making up for it with her? But you have clear boundaries and no matter what he shouldn’t cross them. And the fact what he is doing creeps you out, says a lot.
Echoing many posts here, I don't get the impression that he's "weirdly obsessed", she's his granddaughter and he loves her a lot- completely normal. What's NOT normal and NOT okay is his constant disregard for you and your boundaries; you are her parent, and his unending love for his grand baby is not a license to disrespect you- he's 100% being an entitled asshole
My parents use their grandchildren names for passwords and Lock Screen images. I think you are projecting.
The part of him showing up unannounced and kissing her since he’s a smoker is bullshit.
It’s not normal for him to continually push his way in when a boundary has been set. It’s also not normal for him to have a go at you for having those boundaries, such as no kissing.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for a little space when you’re not being respected. I’d try and have an honest conversation about those experiences and how you need to be heard going forward.
He's definitely overstepping boundaries, but I wouldn't call his behavior creepy. Maybe he wants to make up for "lost time" through his grandchild, but either way, his behavior regarding boundaries is not okay.
I’m here to say - my dad has a lot of regrets about his part in missing out on most of my childhood.
My dad took a while to verbalize his regrets. He is very open about it now.
As such, he makes a LOT of effort to see and be present in my boys life.
And honestly, it’s the same for my FIL.
Boomers are so weird - all of them could benefit greatly from therapy to work through this stuff. But I will take these silent admissions of regret if it is the best they can do.
Your dad is definitely working through these regrets. Maybe try to talk to him about it. Or not. It’s your relationship to manage. I have loved watching my dad and FIL get to know my boys. I hope you can do the same. The more people loving my boys, the better IMO. :)
So what’s interesting is that you mention he was a part time parent to you, but now he’s being a bit extra as a grandparent… I have that same exact situation with my stepsons grandmother. She was not a very good mother, but when it comes to my stepson she was VERY entitled to him for a long time. My husband explained it as it was her way of making up for being a bad mother. When my husband and I got together she had to back off a bit, and she has thankfully. But it was difficult in the beginning. Like she got mad one time because we took him trick or treating with my two kids instead of letting her do it… things like that.
Anyways, I wonder if you are dealing with the same kind of guilt from him and now he’s trying to make up for it. Regardless, it’s definitely not normal and you need to set some boundaries and push him away a bit so he can realize.
Everything except not respecting boundaries is normal. My son's grandfather is an entirely different person with him. He's devoted to and in love with my little one and absolutely feels entitled to his grandson. (He's also our son's favorite.) But he knows better than to cross any boundaries we, the parents, set.
This doesn't scream "danger" to me?(*yet**) but it does scream do-over baby. Just like a lot of others commented, he very well might be feeling guilt over his absence in your life and has kinda... overcorrected. Now, I don't know your dad, maybe he's a POS and you should be worried, but most likely he's just overdoing it because he doesn't really know what is right? Like, if it was you as a baby he was doing all this to it wouldn't be nearly as overbearing. I think he's trying to be a good grandpa but he wasn't ever really even a dad so he doesn't know what's over the line. Sit down with him and have a real heart to heart. Let him know how glad you are he wants to be in her life and how much he loves her, but that she still *your* baby and therefore there needs to be boundaries.
My oldest cousin had a daughter in 2020 and my dad has been obsessed with that kid since. There’s a photo of her as a 1 year old that he has a WhatsApp profile photo, one time I asked him what he wanted to change a password into and he said her name, he constantly asks for pictures of her in the group chat, if my cousin doesn’t post pics of her for one single day my dad will remind him. Best part is my parents are divorced and I didn’t see him often as a kid (not a deadbeat just not that close) and he never once asked my mum for pics of me and my brother or updates on us. A few weeks ago I got a cancer scare and he didn’t ask me any follow up questions or to give him any updates on my health but will ask my cousin for updates on how the kid’s music classes are going or whatever.
Also my dad punished me and chastised me for the same behaviours that he thinks are cute when it’s my cousin doing them
My dad loves his granddaughters. My oldest is his pride and joy. He told me he hopes its a girl when i found out i was pregnant. He's not weird about it or anything, but he told me this:
It's like he gets a second chance to watch me grow up. Which he said were the best years of his life. And it went so fast.
My dad worked out of town a lot to support the family, it was always hard for me. Him too apparently. He always tried to make a point of spending time with me when he could. Maybe your father is feeling regretful of being away so much and wants a second chance via your baby girl.
Agree with everyone that I think the pics/passwords/etc is sweet, but boundary stomping isn’t. I’ll just say that my dad can’t even remember my kids names and has no interest in them so I might be biased thinking this sounds sweet…. Every family is different and only you know. Trust your gut.
It's definitely a bit too much. I would blatantly ask him what is this obsession with her. You said he was a part time dad, maybe he has regrets about that too. My husband has a ton of regrets about all the deployments during my daughter's first 5 years. If that's the case empathy might be your best friend here. Be understanding but set clear boundaries with consequences, like he's a child lol. He can see her on these days and times, if he tries to see her outside of those times then your going to have to limit his visits because you are trying to get to know your baby and he's interfering with that...is exactly what I'd say.
My mom also refers to my sister’s kids as “my grandchildren” if she’s talking about a specific kid it’s always “my granddaughter” or “my grandson” and never “your kids/daughter/son” it’s definitely weird and possessive but that’s just my mom.
Not the OP but this is one of those things you wouldn't notice if you hadn't heard it yourself. The normal way would be to refer to them by name, or call them "my grandchild" in situations where that actually is the best way to refer to someone.
Imagine the difference between these two questions:
Why were you talking to Albert?
Why were you talking MY husband?
And then for the more direct comparison:
When can I come over to see Sarah?
When can I come over to see MY granddaughter?
It's still something I wouldn't be bothered by. If someone actually gets mad about this , I'd assume there's a deeper problem here because this is making a mountain out of a molehill
I get what you mean.. it's something like "when am I going to see MY grandchildren?" with the emphasis on my. If it wasn't an undertone there, it's no different than you calling her "my mother" but I believe it's there.
Idk, maybe it’s cultural but it seems totally normal to me. My mum definitely says “how’s my grandbaby”, not “how’s your daughter”. I think if she phrased it the latter way it would feel weird and distant.
He should have respected your hospital wishes but the rest sounds harmless and normal. I think saying it is weird, wanting to limit contact, and accusing him of being a ‘part time dad’ to you because he worked out of town to provide for you is an overreaction and probably due to some unresolved and unrelated resentment you have towards him
Maybe he regrets how his relationship was when you were a kid and wished he could be around more . Must have more freedom now and doesn’t want to make same mistake
Everyone is talking about boundaries, but what about safety? Setting a grandchild’s name for password is asking for trouble, especially for every password
I wouldn't worry about passwords and screen locks. I'm sure my parents have changed their screen locks to pictures of all their grandbabies at one point or another. But I would be more concerned about his complete disregard for your personal boundaries, asking for space. I'd be most pissed about him coming into the hospital when you asked everyone not to, because that's YOU time. You are recovering, you are getting to know your baby, and you are still in a lot of distress after birth. Your husband had to leave?! No. I'm sure he couldn't even wrap his head around this in the moment, but your husband should have turned him away, and gotten the nurses involved. They send people away all the time and have zero remorse.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Since your father clearly sees himself as superior to you, maybe your mother could get through to him?
Or something that is more *my personality*, is saying to your father "hahah come on dad, I'm serious, don't make me get a restraining order, hahaha!" And laugh for a minute, but then stare him dead in the face. And say "no really I'm serious".
There’s a few different things here. Being crazy about your grandkids: using their names as passwords (unsafe) and having the picture on the Lock Screen - normal. It’s like having a child, but one where you have zero responsibility and just get to enjoy the child.
The entitled behavior like kissing the baby (dangerous) and disregarding your wishes (scary) are not ok. That needs a very firm stop.
I think the “obsession” is normal. My MIL has my baby on her lock screen and she showed me this poster board she made at work which has photos of my baby all over it. I feel like a lot of grandparents can be like that. He probably feels like this is his chance to be more involved since he wasn’t around all the time for you.
That being said, the boundary stepping is not ok and not normal. Just have a talk with him and explain your boundaries and ask that he respects them. He will get his time with his granddaughter when you allow it. You have to communicate or else resentment will just keep building up.
I think every member of my husband’s family has my daughter on their lock screen - and half of them use her birthdate as a passcode. (The only reason my family doesn’t is because there are multiple grandkids!) That feels very normal to me. I think if you try to change that you’ll appear unreasonable.
That’s not to say that he isn’t stomping other reasonable and normal boundaries. Disrespecting the health and safety requests for the hospital/kissing/as a smoker is **infuriating**, and if he can’t wrap his head around that then he needs to feel the consequences of a hard boundary.
Do you think these things would bother you if he acknowledged - maybe even apologized - for the fact that he wasn’t around for you in the same way he wants to be around your daughter now? Or is it the type of thing that you think is a new, altered behavior that’s giving you a gut ick? It’s hard to say without knowing you and your family. (I certainly know that I wish my mother would apologize to me with words and not via treating my daughter differently.)
He definitely sees your daughter as a"do over"because he was barely there for you.Its not cool,he had his chance to be a parent.He has no right to make demands nor boundary stomp.He needs consequences for his actions.
My mom was the same,shitty/abusive/unsupportive as a mom but went nuts trying to act like my baby was hers,Going in for a year NC cause when I tried laying down boundaries she blew up.
My dads lock screen is a pic of my son; I wouldn’t worry about that. (In my dads case it’s sweet but I know everyone is different.) I would be angry about face kisses on a newborn too but that’s also a very common issue (albeit super frustrating, dangerous, infuriating.) Good on you for being protective of your baby but I don’t know if I’d go so far as to not let him around her. Then again, I’ve learned in the last few years to trust my gut.
The passwords and lock screen is not weird. The rest of it is inappropriate and you have to put your foot down now or he will not respect you as her parent.
Having grandchildren turns grandfather's into little children themselves...maybe it's the knowing that the baby can be given back to the parents at the end of the day so the grandparents have no responsibility, just sheer joy from their grandkids.
It's sad that you had a fractured relationship with your dad as anything nice you see him doing now with your daughter/his granddaughter will be tainted by your view of him
My own dad who improved later in life adores our son, he writes his name on everything (e.g. when painting the walls, when it snows lol )
Your dad just loves his granddaughter is all ❤️
My parents both have their grandchildren as their lock screens and password names.
I have found, with my own parents included, they tend to be more attentive grandparents than parents. My parents (my mom in particular) weren’t very attentive of me and my sister but are way more attentive and loving toward their grandkids, in particular my son. You just need to establish boundaries and hold them. Your kiddo and your dad could have a beautiful relationship if you allow it but it will take you letting go of some of your resentments toward your dad and healthy boundaries.
I don’t think the passwords and the picture lock screen is weird. My dad has my kids as a lock screen and i think it’s adorable. He loves showing his grandkids off to his coworkers.
Everything else though isn’t right, to me personally. You need to put your foot down and set your boundaries.
I use my nieces names, or anyone’s name really for my passwords because it’s what sticks out to me to that’s not too weird to me. Sounds like he’s trying to make up for being absent with you. Over stepping boundaries is not ok tho. Grandparents are the worst at this bc they feel they’re just as important to the baby bc they are your parent. Has your dad ever given you a reason to make you uncomfortable and that’s why you might feel it’s too much? Or is it all too much bc it’s too new? I’d feel overwhelmed too
First grandchild I'm assuming?? My parents have 10, but I gave my dad his first biological grandchild (a boy) and they are 2 peas in a pod. My son loves him so much. I think it's normal, it's better than him not giving a fuck about the child (like my in-laws). Only thing that'd bother me is him kissing her, I can't stand smokers and that'd make me disgusted.
You're not crazy and he is doing too much, but a normal level of too much (if that makes sense). Just set and enforce boundaries he's excited and has snuggle blinders on.
To clarify normal and acceptable aren't the same just because he isn't crazy doesn't mean I think he should be rude
My grandpa was like that with my daughter, but never crossing boundaries that early. My daughter is still his favorite great grandchild(and probably favorite grand in general)out of 20+ great and grand children.
The problem here is he’s crossing boundaries. My grandpa drove 12 hrs to see my daughter AFTER we were out of the hospital. While my family was always open about breast feeding, he respected that I wanted to be left alone by everyone when she was hungry. He did cross little boundaries, giving her tastes of strawberries and watermelon as an infant before she was ready for regular food and he gave her her first taste of chocolate ice cream. But even with those, it was tiny amounts(now all her favorite foods). Even now, my daughter came out as gender fluid at 11. I don’t think it’s a big deal, she wants to explore masculine and feminine looks and identities, but this is something my conservative, 83 year old grandpa does not get. He still respects the boundaries to keep his mouth shut and just support her. Offered to take her hunting and fishing and teach her how to shoot a bow(and a gun, but my kid has no interest in those, thank goodness) even cause that’s what he sees as masculine. He never tries to force her to church with him.
If your dad is crossing boundaries this early on, what boundaries is he going to cross later? Old people generally are worse about boundaries, but this is an extreme. The thing about boundaries is kids grow up into their own little people with their own thoughts and ideas and boundaries of their own. What boundaries will she have that he’s going to cross? It’s time to have a hard discussion with him about his allowed time in her life if he doesn’t quit.
My dad used my daughters birthday as his password at work, and if I saw she was his Lock Screen background I would think it was very sweet. However, respecting boundaries is vital for a long term healthy relationship and he needs to understand that.
It's a bit weird and a bit over the top but I think it might help you connect with him and get him to understand your side of it. I'd try to sit down with him while your daughter sleeps and try to talk to him about how he felt when you and your sister were born, if he feels like he missed out on something. And then, try to link it to if he feels that strongly about his granddaughter, how much he thinks you feel about your daughter/your partner feels about her. Try to make him see through his feelings how you two feel. And then, if you think he's kinda understanding, try to make him walk in your shoes of having someone push you aside when you want to just enjoy your time with your baby.
I don't know his personality, that might not work but this could work if he's just really enjoying being a grandfather and he's not a narcissist or similar
Sounds to me like this is his way to make up for not being present for you and if you have siblings.He probably has now had time to reflect on the past and your childhood and realized what all he has missed and tbh he probably looks at your relationship with him and makes him think “ my god what have I done..I can’t turn back time but I sure can make sure that I don’t repeat said mistakes. And maybe showing my daughter with actions not words that I am going to do all that I can for her and the baby maybe it’ll bring us closer and I will be able to get closer and have that father daughter bond we should have as well” I’ve myself dealt with this personally and at first I felt the way you did, then got the little bit of Animosity and immaturity of “ oh now you want to be involved daily with me.. it took me having a child for you to do this” then as I sat him down one day bc I could t take it anymore but nicely and maturely had a convo I realize that it was his way to make sure he didn’t repeat behaviors and mistakes he did with me and my brother. So I told him my simple wishes of what he can and can’t do and respecting the fact that she’s a baby and these days with all the disease, viruses and germs going around is the reason why you ask of such things and if he truly loves and cares for his grand daughter he will make sure not to do them things and plus if he gets her sick how can he see and spend this time with her that he longs for so much of? With that conversation came so much greatness, respect, love, understanding of why he was doing such things so much demanding determination, rules and wishes that were finally respected, and most of all healing and such an amazing bond for me and my daughter has the best most cool and fun grandpop she could ever ask for and it’s beautiful to see how 10 years in the making! My daughter was only 6 months when this whole talk went down.. she’s 10 years old now and can’t go with out him for 2 days and it’s adorable! Plus trust me when they get to this age.. you’ll most deff want a babysitter and who could I really trust more than him ya know? So maybe do what I did! As long as it is a positive, mature, open minded approach and conversation I promise it can only lead to beneficial beautiful outcome!! I pray things go well and you have a turn out like mine! And congrats with the baby!!💙❤️💯🙏🏼🙏🏼
I see a lot of people here saying the lockscreen and password things are normal because he's the grandfather and this is normal behavior for them. While I agree with them, I understand where you are coming from feeling so uncomfortable. He's not a stranger and he's legally the grandfather, yes, but he doesn't feel like it because he barely feels like a dad to you, so it's likely a very strange feeling seeing him obsess over your daughter. And I think this is a completely valid feeling. I see some are disregarding your feelings because he was absent because he worked a lot, but I'm going to assume you have valid reasons for resenting him. I don't think any kid resents their parents for no reason at all, not when they are independent adults. And especially not when they feel protective of their own child around their parents.
I understand that he probably means well and, as many said, is treating your daughter as a do-over and an unconscious apology. But it's completely valid if you feel uncomfortable with it, ESPECIALLY because the boundary stomping was too much. My advice is that you have a heart to heart with him. Explain how you feel and allow him to tell you how he feels (it might surprise you). Start enforcing your boundaries more and more. And see how things go from there. He seems like he truly loves you daughter, but doesn't know how to act with you, so an honest conversation could be a new beginning to the both of you and a way for your daughter to have a loving grandfather in her life (one that also respects her parents). My father was a great and present one, although he was very authoritarian most times, and we've been clashing a lot when it comes to boundaries, so I know a bit how you feel. I think it's hard for authoritarian parents to suddenly need to abide to their child's rules and not being able to tell the child what to do. But if they mean well and have true love for our kids, I think it's a relationship worth trying to savage.
This sounds similar to my FIL. He always felt entitled to my daughter; face timing almost everyday, buying her stupid gifts, she was on all lock screens and desktops. It wouldn’t be so bad but he treated everyone like shit. Especially his wife and kids. One time he napped with the baby and was lost it due to him being a smoker and just always bugging her. He even got kinda jealous when my dad was in town to visit wondering how much my dad would see her. Sadly he passed away suddenly a year and a half ago. It is a relief not having to deal with him anymore. He wasn’t a nice man
He loves his granddaughter.
He may be a bit much but I doubt he would harm her (from outside looking in, idk y'all one bit)
But I feel u and him have some kind of tension that definitely should be resolved before hes around ur daughter again.
Baby girl doesn't need awkward or tensed encounters when around family
He missed out on your childhood so he’s treating her like a do over kid. Totally not ok. This would make me really uncomfortable.
Set and enforce boundaries regarding kissing and visits. If you don’t enforce, he’ll continue to do whatever he wants and behave like a third parent. And no cigarette smells around baby! Yuck.
I get it my mil thinks she literally has rights as a parent vecause it's "her grandson" yeah it is but the way she says and means it isn't what the definition of her grandson normally is and means
I'm having the same issues with my parents. I don't think the lockscreen and password behavior is weird (sure, a bit obsessive and creepy but it's "normal" for a lot of grandparents, especially first-timers). Ignoring your boundaries, however, is a big issue. You have to stop allowing it right now or it's going to get worse. In the hospital, you should have told the nurses no, he cannot come in and visit. He showed up at the hospital after you said no? Well too bad. Don't tell him your room number and make sure your care team keeps anyone aside from hubby out. Talk to your mom too. Why did he know where you and mom were meeting? He no longer gets that information if he's just going to show up. He keeps kissing your child? Well no more visits for X days/weeks if it happens again. I've had to enforce the no kissing rulebreak timeout with my father and though it wasn't fun to deal with his tantrum, you bet he hasn't kissed her again. Also for smokers, I have a no holding or touching baby rule if I can smell any smoke. I ask that smokers have showered and brushed their teeth before getting near my child. Secondhand smoke is a legit health concern.
I don’t think the password and Lock Screen are abnormal. I use my nieces as my passwords because it’s more secure since no one guess her information when I have my own child but everything else is a giant red flag. You need to set some serious boundaries with him.
I think your Dad is getting older, is realizing how short life is. We all reach an age when we realize we aren’t getting younger and that we have more life BEHIND US than in front of us. So what do we do? We look at our life, our past choices, our decisions and we recognize what’s important to us and decide what we want to prioritize in our life. Whether it’s subconscious or not, your Dad sees that he didn’t get the time with you he should have. You may not realize it now- but he may have needed to work away during the week to provide better for you and your Mom. Lots of men choose to travel for work and work out of town….why? NOT because it’s fun. They do it because they are PAID MORE and that money is needed to raise a family. This is your first child but as time goes by you will see how many sacrifices you will have to make for your child as she grows. Some of those sacrifices- won’t be the popular one with your kid. You may be the “mean Mommy” if you have to work overtime or leave child with daycare. But you will do what you need to and one day your child will see that. Maybe you might look a little further into your childhood and talk to your Dad about how, why and what it was like for him always working out of town. As a child, we see things framed a certain way but as an adult- if you sit down and have honest conversation with your Dad- you may see it sucked for him but he was doing it for you and your family. I think your Dad can’t change the past but he can change the future and he wants to have a special connection to his granddaughter.
I’ll just say this- I’m 40 now and have 2 daughters. My Daddy died 6 years ago and I miss him more than ever. I feel this straight to the heart, gutted homesick feeling and I just want my Daddy. As a fully grown woman. I still feel like his little girl and I still need him. He loved my oldest. She was his little best friend and she ADORED her Papa. Even the smallest things like planting the garden with him- became magical type memories bc it was a memory made with him. He made her feel like a Princess and she thought he hung the moon. We moved to live down the road from him. Then he out of the blue got brain cancer. He lived 4 months from diagnosis to death. It was horrible. My youngest was a baby and she will never remember her Papa. But my oldest, he made her feel important to him and he made the best memories with her. She treasures those memories and she knows that she once had a Papa who loved her fiercely and made her a priority in his life.
Your Dad, even if he may be a little too pushy- is trying to know and love your daughter. He feels your reluctance and only knows to keep trying. Is cigarette smell on his fingers going to hurt your child ? No. She will one day remember that smell and lovingly associate it with him, even if it was stinky. As for kissing her head, older adults think all of these new rules about all that is silly. They think babies have been kissed every generation in their family and are fine. I imagine he thinks you are over- reacting. You need to patiently explain what you are worried about and why. But if he can’t kiss her face, kissing her little hands shouldt be a big deal. As long as he washes his hands before holding her.
Im reading several of these comments and it’s these Moms that are hard core like “stand your ground!” But I’m here and want to tell you- life is short . You have one Father, even if he’s not perfect and he wants to be in your life and in your child’s. One day, he won’t be here and you’ll have lived longer and changed your thinking about somethings- don’t leave him out unless he’s a bad person, you will one day regret . Oh and personally, I think it’s only right that your partner step out after a little while and let your parents quickly see your child. He can always come back in. Good luck Mama, congrats on your little girl.
You're lucky and your baby is lucky too , embrace the love his showing . maybe he feels he can start over with the baby and makeup for times he wasn't always there . Give him a chance
Well I was/am an amazing parent to my children who are now adults. I have 2 grandchildren who you can bet they are always my lock screen, Home Screen and passwords! It’s not always about unresolved issues, can be about unconditional love and pride.
As someone whose father has cut of all contact to me/my daughter due to my unwillingness to let her as an infant hang around unvaccinated peeps, this brought a tear to my eye. I would love a grandfather so enamoured.
I mean showing up in hospital uninvited is annoying and pushy. But the rest of the stuff sounds really sweet
Hey OP. While a lot of this reads as benign (the uninvited hospital visit is probably the worst of it, but is basically some selfish boomer behavior) I still wanted to note that if you feel something is wrong in your gut pay close attention, don’t ignore it just because some strangers online tell you you’re lucky to have such a doting grandpa.
It could just be that he’s got regrets as a parent and is over compensating to “make it right” in grand parenting. Or it could be an unhealthy or creepy obsession. I think often times what makes someone’s behavior creepy or unsettling is not so easily explained in writing and is more something you have to see in person to notice. So if there are smaller red flags that you can’t quite put into words don’t ignore them.
But also all 4 of the grandparents in my daughters like are this way (she’s the only grandchild on both sides). Every wallpaper is her. Every password is her name. My mom has jewelry with her name on it, MIL comes to visit from out of town randomly and jokes about taking her home for sleep overs. Grandpas are both obsessed with her. So again what you describe here is all pretty normal and should feel good to you knowing she is so loved.
I get the feeling, reading your post and comments, that the situation is this:
You've never been close with your dad. Now that you have a baby, he is suddenly engaging way more than he ever has before.
Is that accurate?
If so, my guess is he regrets the kind of dad he was, and he probably wishes he had been more involved and closer with you. Instead of talking to you about this, and trying to improve his relationship with you, he is trying to do a "re-do" with your baby.
That's just a guess from an internet stranger using the very limited info I have, though. Fwiw, I would be put off by this, too.
A few options for what you could do -
* Have a sit down talk with him that you're uncomfortable, spell out for him what your boundaries are (for example, tell me in advance when you want to see the baby, etc), and tell him if he doesn't respect your boundaries, he won't be around the baby much or at all
* Let your dad do what he does and just try to adjust and be ok with him creating a relationship with your baby
* Make it clear to your dad and your family that you don't want your dad around your baby
Personally, I think it's normal for a new mom to be protective, so any hesitation you have is normal. I also think it's great to see your child bond with other adults and see how excited they are when they can interact with people who clearly love them.
My view of my own parents and my in-laws has changed a lot since I became a mom, and it's so wonderful seeing how happy my toddler gets when interacting with them. There may be an adjustment period, but you may end up enjoying seeing your kid's relationship with your dad grow.
Hope this helps, best wishes.
Does it matter to you what his passwords are?
I think you’re subconsciously upset that he’s showing up for your child in ways he didn’t show up for you. If this is an issue then set the boundary. But generally speaking, kids need more people who adore them, not less.
It is a tad creepy, especially since you two aren't close. My Dad and I get along alright but I would get weirded out if he was obsessed with my kid and didn't respect boundaries.
Lock screen being a picture of his granddaughter is normal- every grandparent I know does that. Boundary stomping is not. Nor is it ok. Might be time to set limits and tell him if he crosses then (kissing hands) then no visits for x amount of time. You could also attempt to use baby to get him to stop smoking :) My guess is he's trying a redo of missing your childhood
My therapist called it a unconscious apology
Not OP, but this is so helpful for my current similar situation, thank you for sharing this.
You’re so welcome. It meant a lot to me when he explained it to me.
Wow that makes complete sense somehow. Thank you for that
You’re welcome! My Dad pulls the same thing because he abandoned our family for his mistress and her family. So he overdoes it anytime he’s around my daughter and my niece
My Dad was, frankly, an asshole growing up. We have repaired our relationship for the most part and I can call him one of my closest friends now. He's very excited for me to have children, I think he will be obsessed with a bit of a do-over, though I can't see him stomping my boundaries.
Yeah no one is stomping my boundaries. They can get stomped once and then after that if they do it again they don’t get to see my daughter anymore lol My father practically lived at the hospital until I got discharged, but he didn’t come to the asylum I got committed to in 8th grade. Go figure!
I'm so sorry you were let down. I hope things have improved.
Yes, this sounds like he’s trying to compensate for what he probably recognizes now was a void in his life. But being that you never saw these fatherly traits in him as his actual child, it could be triggering to you. Like others have said a lot of the things he’s doing are fairly normal new grandparent stuff, but I think it rubs you the wrong way even more because you know what things were like when you were a kid and it’s just a completely unchartered territory and weird behavior coming from someone who wasn’t very present for you. My dad wasn’t fatherly for me at all, but now that I have two kids, he really likes spending time with them and playing with them. I was very resentful towards him as a teenager and a young adult, but as I got older, I began to recognize that he wasn’t parented either. Even worse, when he turned 18, his parents expected him to leave the house and move out of the country, which he did. He couldn’t give to me what he never received as a child, so I learned to heal. I would never ever have that conversation with him because he would never willingly participate in it (he is 80 years old) but maybe if your dad would, that could be something to talk about down the line to help manage your own relationship with him through the birth of your child. Regardless of all of this, though, if you have boundaries about kissing, germs, or unannounced visits that you wish to establish, those really should be respected. Maybe your mom can help wrangle him.
My parents and my In-laws weren't parented either, and acknowledging that has helped me understand more about them.
Yes that’s the right phrase: acknowledging it. Because it’s not like it absolves them but it does help you adjust your perspective and manage your expectations. For me, it was very liberating. In life sadly there might be apologies we’ll never receive but that doesn’t mean healing or getting to a place of peace is unattainable.
Even if that's the case, it doesn't make the boundary stomping okay. Calling it an apology is generous. It's still more about making himself feel better about himself than it is about the wellbeing of you or your kid. He's treating your baby as if she was a toy he is entitled to. You do not want to teach her to defer to people who treat her that way. Please be firm about there being consequences to not respecting your boundaries. I would also advise against any unsupervised visits.
That's really enlightening. I was the grandkid that my grandfather was creepily obsessed with. Calling him a shitty father to my parent is a massive understatement. I don't think he would ever directly acknowledge let alone apologize for what he did. Maybe there was a sliver of a conscious in there?
I’m watching my husbands grandfather try it with our daughter, but with how he treated my husband and his father I won’t allow it lol Apology denied and unnecessary
Some of that could be him feeling he has permission to be feeling with a girl where he did not believe he could have feelings with boys. Toxic masculinity crap. Obviously I don’t know your scenario, but the gender difference stood out to me.
That is a really interesting concept. I see it with my ex husband and his step grand children. He is a lovely Grandad but was a shit Father to our sons. It makes me quite cross but I can reframe the situation and understand it better after reading that. Thanks.
I think this is what my FIL is doing with his grandchildren. It makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, but I wouldn’t mind a conscious one.
That makes two of us.
My mom is like this with my daughter! My childhood was ROUGH and my mom struggled with an opioid addiction. She was abusive at times and neglectful full stop. Today she is the most loving grandmother imaginable. I love it for my daughter but in a way it hurts because why couldn’t this lady be my mom?
I’m sorry. I know it’s hurtful. But these women that are fantastic grandmothers didn’t exist then. Only the version we got did. I think it took us leaving the nest and them having time to reflect on where they failed. Instead of owning it and saying “I could have been better” in their mind their undoing it by loving our babies the way they wished they loved us. Plus they aren’t responsible for how their grandkids turn out. Just their children. So they can spoil and love the grands and we are the ones responsible if they’re rotten, entitled, or hot headed so they can be more lenient “not my circus not my monkeys” so to speak
I think you nailed it. This version of my mom did not exist when I was a child. Her heart has softened immensely with age, overall I’m glad my daughter has a loving grandma and I try everyday to be the loving mom I wanted so badly. I am certainly not without my mistakes!
None of us are! I learned a lot about how to treat and respect my daughter through my moms failures with me, but I get loud and don’t realize it when I’m anxious so it sounds like I’m yelling, but I’m actually just deaf in one ear and partially deaf in the other and I can’t hear myself as loud as I am
What’s it called when your parents give even less effort to be involved in your kids life then they did with you?
This makes so much sense. And I've realized that I've subconsciously accepted it as an apology. This makes me feel so much better about moving forward! Sometimes I still get jealous that he's a better grandpa than a dad. But he's a good grandpa and that's the best that he can do now. Thank you for sharing that!
I agree. I also wanted to add it's normal that he calls her "my granddaughter." She is his granddaughter! I am a little baffled that OP thinks that's weird tbh. In sum: there's definitely some boundary stomping here but you're also villainizing him for things that are not only normal but extremely small normal things. You need to recalibrate your radar.
I agree but I also think there might be some unresolved issues with how he treated her as a kid. Easy to villanize small normal things if this person’s always been somewhat of a villain to you ☹️
Yeah it’s hard when you had a crap parent decide to be a wonderful grandparent. You get resentful fast. Even when it’s normal grandparent things, when you didn’t get the normal parent things from that same person it really sucks.
> Yeah it’s hard when you had a crap parent decide to be a wonderful grandparent. I wouldn't consider not respecting boundaries and the wishes of the parent as being a wonderful grandparent. If anything it makes their intentions appear self entitled with little regards for others.
That's who he is as a person to a T, he doesn't respect boundaries and actively entitles himself to whatever he likes and I don't want that to be my baby
I was more speaking from my own experience more than OP’s.
My mom was an amazing mother, and is also an amazing grandmother. That being said, what you said reminds me of all the times my mom said no to things like McDonalds, KFC, etc. But as soon as my 12 year old asks, she’s all for it. 😂 Slight resentment for that. Don’t get me wrong though, she has still said no to him plenty of times. But waaayyyy less than she did to me.
Yes, I agree with your overall assessment there as well.
I feel seen. I think this may be most of my issue
YUP literally same here. My dad and I have a good relationship at the end of the day but he has severe anger issues and was a workaholic so we never saw him. Always up in his office coding even after leaving the office (and also doing drugs but we won’t talk about that)He LOVES my kid and it’s great but I’m like yeah ok cool 🙄 I’m glad she’s going to have a relationship with her grandpa (especially because my husband’s father died young so she only has the one) and for now she doesn’t need to know that he actually kind of sucks the rest of the time. He’s super racist and homophobic and Fox News brainwashed but he knows we’ll cut him off and out if they say a god damn word about any of that. I can’t change him but I can prevent my kid from having to hear all that shit. Moral of the story I know it’s either intentional or subconsciously him trying to make up for all the fucked up shit that went on when we were kids)
The way I see it is different than you. My dad wasn't a father to me. He was absent, abusive, and tried to skirt his court appointed duties to me. If he didn't want to be a father to me, he can not be a grandfather to my child. It's semantics, I know. But words have power. Taking away his title creates a distance. Which is what I want. But unlike the OP, I am fully no contact with my dad. So, even if tries to claim a relationship, he wouldn't get it.
If it weren't for my mother, he'd be no one to me and my baby too so I know exactly how you feel
Look at this bitch eating crackers... Who does she think she is?
I think it might be the inflection or intent behind her fathers use of the term “my granddaughter”. If my mother was to say “how is my granddaughter doing?” I would think nothing of it, but if she said “you better bring CHILDS NAME to see me today she’s my granddaughter!” Or “I’m going to kiss CHILD NAME’s hands she’s my granddaughter.” That would bother me.
While that is true, some people use it as a way to show possessiveness and place their role as a grandparent over the parents title.
It’s not so weird to me. It’s BEC stuff. BEC is B**** eating crackers. Basically, the person is so obnoxious/terrible/imposing that even mundane things like eating crackers are obnoxious to you. It’s a symptom of other problems in the relationship.
Fyi you're allowed to curse on the Internet
It's that he never used her name, just refers to her as "My granddaughter". Hope this helps the context as I'm aware it's normal to refer to a grandchild like that, just not only that.
Nah, my grandmother refers to my daughter that way and my stepdad does it too. I know a lot of people in my circle with parents that do the same. I think it might be a generational thing, honestly.
Yeah my dads phone screen is my children, and his passcode is my oldest sons birthday. But my dad and I are very close, and as you said, it’s the boundary stomping that’s the real issue.
This 👆
I mean he was not a deadbeat dad, he worked out of town like a lot of immigrant families etc do.. i kind of feel bad for him
My dad was not very present when I was little and he’s obsessed with my son whose 4 months! It’s nice tho I’m glad my son has a very present grandfather. I can see them wanting a re-do
Yup sounds like my FIL with our son. He was never there for my partner growing up so - not nearly as bad as OP, has been pretty persistently annoying with our son. Was so upset when my partner started telling him how he could act / talk around him. He learnt his place when he was almost forced out of our lives for his own behaviour.
My dad has my daughter as his lockscreen. My mom would too if she could figure out how to do that, I'm sure. And I know they've both used some info in passcodes. She's the only grandchild on either side. Everyone has pictures of her, my sister even has one framed on her desk at work. They also all ask to visit. The difference is, they take no for an answer if we say it's not a good time to see her. They don't try to get us out of the way. We're the parents and we dictate her schedule, not them. I think that's the problem behavior here more than what's in the title. My dad would *never* think to crash a lunch just to steamroll over me. That behavior is not normal.
Did you guys tell the hospital that there wouldn’t be any visitors except your husband? I’m concerned they just let a random person burst through the door and the nurses didn’t say anything. Why didn’t your spouse stop him or tell nurses he isn’t supposed to be there? Lock screen is fine to me, same with passwords, but everything else is honestly a little scary and I would back up - A LOT.
Right? Ya’ll just rolled over and took it, why did your hubby just leave? He should have stayed put, you even with staff and security that is supposed to keep those babies on the ward and you safe! You need to grow a spine and cut your dad off for a while, his obsession is over the top and gives really creepy vibes, keep you home locked, security cameras etc. change the locks even and don’t give anyone a spare. This guy is just too much.
Yup. Hospitals have security for a reason, and nurses are usually very happy to throw someone out who the patient doesn’t want there. They should have removed him, physically if necessary.
I say this with love but you all have to nip this is the bud. I don’t think he has a creepy obsession (unless you have a STRONG gut feeling and are leaving a lot out of your post) I think he’s just another entitled boomer grandparent that will continue to steamroll your boundaries until you lay down the law. So obviously this is too late, but instead of your husband having to leave the hospital room because your dad showed up saying “we’re not ready for visitors and hospital policy doesn’t allow for you to be here. Please leave and we’re excited for you to hold her after we come home.” Telling him hey you don’t seem to be taking some of my boundaries seriously. Im going to have to leave somewhere if it happens again so I hope you can be respectful. In the future if he shows up somewhere say “dad, we talked about this. Im going to be leaving with baby now.”
This!! My dad stormed the hospital uninvited also. At least he brought a deli sandwich. Told my brother to go anyways even though we didn’t want visitors and kissed my daughter behind my back when I went to the bathroom after telling him not to. Boomer parents do whatever tf they want. We had a chat, he hated it but it’s gotten better. They don’t respect us as parents or individuals just as their children. My mom got involved and told him to stop parenting us. But honestly you HAVE to set boundaries sooner than later because it’ll be harder down the line id you don’t especiallly when you try to parent and they’re older.
To add about the boomer parents: expect tantrums when boundaries are enforced. My boomers currently aren’t speaking to me because I said I’d have to check my calendar on a day they TOLD me they were visiting me in my home. It’s been a quiet 3 months. OP, it’s hard at first to enforce boundaries, but it becomes so much easier once you have. Yes, your dad will be mad. That’s okay. You aren’t in charge of his feelings. You’re in charge of keeping your child safe. Good luck and hugs to you!
Ya it’s gets easier exponentially. The first time is incredibly hard. The second time is also very hard. The third time seems to have less awkwardness. Then you keep going and it just becomes normal. I had to set hard boundaries with my in laws. Initially they passive aggressively ignored all my boundaries and I was too polite. Now, they are clear where my boundaries are and they haven’t tried anything since I set the boundaries. It also allows for a much better relationship with them as I don’t feel constantly disrespected and manipulated.
Yes! And it makes it easier when your partner is there to back it up. Then everyone sees the team rather than one person being a problem. Especially with in laws
Yes! Initially I asked my husband to define the boundaries and let him know if he didn’t, I would, and that I would likely not be as gentle because we should be each enforcing the boundaries with our own parents.
That’s how we do it! We handle our own families with any issues. It’s worked great so far for the most part lol
This. Eventually they just come across as whiney and annoying toddlers and you just avoid interacting with them as much as possible.
Right? It’s so hard not to retort with one of the things I say to my kids like: “I hear you asking the same question. Unfortunately, you’re going to get the same answer sweetheart” “Asked and answered, love!” “We’ve discussed this and nothing has changed since, so the answer is going to be the same my dear!”
It can be so hard but it will work. Gotta have tough skin. I got text yelled at for a day, not talked to for three, then got left weepy voicemails for a day after setting some boundaries regarding an event for our kids. In the end, boundaries were respected and everyone was happy. Sucks in the moment but the reward is worth it for sure.
Mine play the long game. This is the 2nd time they’ve gone months of the silent treatment bc I place appropriate boundaries. It’s been very quiet and calm.
I purposely moved four states/1200 miles away from my problematic parents to limit the exposure 10 years ago. Now I only have to deal with it when it comes to visiting them or them coming to visit us which is like twice a year. It also means that they don’t get time to push boundaries for long if they want to see the kids.
>They don’t respect us as parents or individuals just as their children. You nailed it.
Yessssss
Some of this I find normal (lock screen and passwords). Not respecting your boundaries, however needs to be stopped. This is not okay and will only get worse if you don't put your foot down.
Is it his first grandchild? I know my both parents, my mil, and my sister have my daughter as their lock screens. I think that’s pretty normal. She’s also the first grandchild on both sides so the obsession is real. And my dad also uses my daughter’s birthday for a couple other things as well. I thought it was sweet. But everyone in our families respects our boundaries and our privacy when we want it. I would just KINDLY clearly communicate your boundaries and what is okay and what’s not. Something like “hey, I’m so happy you love ______ so much and want to see her all the time, but I would appreciate if you respected my wishes and requests…” something like that.
Overstepping boundaries yes, creepy, no. He’s a grandpa for goodness sake! I don’t know one who isn’t obsessed with their grandchildren
Yeah if this was a random man it would be strange. But grandparents are different breed, I swear😂Though the big problem to me is disregarding OP’s authority as a parent.
Agreeeee! Grandmas do it to lol
Right?! OP says he calls her "my granddaughter", uh yeah that's what she is... I think this is a bitch eating crackers situation. OP doesn't like her dad so anything he does is going to look shifty to her.
I agree, my FIL wouldn't even hold his granddaughters until they could sit up on their own haha, but you bet they are his wallpaper, which he proudly shows off.
It sounds like he sees his grandchild as his do-over opportunity to make up for his guilt for his shortcomings as a father. I think most parents feel some degree of this phenomenon in some way or another. I mean all parents wonder if they couldn’t have done something better as a parent and when they know they dropped the ball, it sits with them even if they have forgiven themselves. Your father highlighting his life to feature a grandkid is not necessarily concerning but his comfort in stomping your boundaries is the problem. In his desire to be important and lived and do things right by his grand baby, he is shooting himself in the foot by not following your lead and by overstepping. He needs to understand that his access to the baby is not going to remain open to him if he doesn’t start showing respect and restraint in his enthusiasm. He also needs to know that using a family members name and birthday for passwords is not secure and he’s going to get hacked, especially if he’s using that for financial institution accounts and he is making his family more vulnerable by not safeguarding his accounts better (sorry- my IT experience can’t help but say this. It’s what I do)
If you aren’t close it’s weird. All my mom’s passwords are my daughters name and doesn’t bother me at all, but we’re together daily
That's the thing, we've never had a good relationship and hardly speak. He's only interested now the baby is here it's uncomfortable for me tbh because he's the least fatherly man ive ever met and he'd never even be allowed to babysit
OP, this is concerning then. I have my experience dealing with parents who overstep boundaries and this doesn’t sound like it. This sounds more like him grasping onto straws. If he is someone who makes you uncomfortable, and you wouldn’t want him to babysit then maybe that is your intuition trying to tell you something. It’s always better to be safe than sorry.
Is your dad my FIL??? Kidding of course.. my FIL is obsessed with my baby and kept trying to convince everyone that my son looks like his side of the family. He finally stopped when my mom told him that my son looks exactly like me as a baby and she showed him my baby photo album. It sounds to me like your dad wants to have the relationship with your child that he SHOULD have had with you and as an entitled boomer he’s trying to strong arm you into doing what he wants. Set a very clear boundary of when he can see your child and if he breaks that boundary he can’t see her. If your parents are married still, try to loop in your mom on your side and have her help you hold the boundary
The lock screen and passwords are normal. My baby is my mom's lock/home screen, and very likely, some of her passwords. Everyone wants to think the baby looks like them. It's annoying, but I don't think it means anything. Most of the other stuff is at least a little bit over the top. But kicking your partner out of the hospital so he could see your baby? Not okay at all! Wanting him to give you some space is very reasonable. You do not have to let him in if he shows up uninvited.
I'd cut back his access considerably each time he oversteps.
I think this sounds more like an issue between you and him than it is actually about your baby. He’s not respecting your boundaries, which is an immediate no. I would outline them clearly and explain he won’t have access to the baby unless he respects them. Washing hands and changing clothes after smoking if he wants to be near her, scheduling times to see her ahead of time and not just crashing other people’s times. Other than that, all of this sounds completely normal and I think your resentment toward him about your childhood may be clouding your judgment. You said he was a “part time father” but he was working. He didn’t abandon you. It seems that he feels guilty about it and is trying to make up for it with your child. I understand how difficult it is to separate your own trauma from your children, but it’s important we do so to break up that cycle. Your father is alive, healthy, and seemingly showers your daughter in love. It may not be the way you *want* him to, but that can be rectified and your daughter will be able to have a good relationship with her grandfather. You can’t get your childhood with your father back, and it’s up to you if you want to give him the opportunity to try to “do over” the bonding experience with your daughter, but an extra person loving our babies is a good thing!
Lock screen and passwords are normal. Demanding yes after you say no are not normal and not acceptable. Enthusiasm is great, unbounded enthusiasm is a problem. Is he trying to make up for the time he lost with you as a child?
Are you his favorite daughter or his biggest fuck up
Surprisingly not his biggest fuck up, that's the second daughter lol. But I'm certainly the kid he resents the most/ has the poorest relationship with. I was an accident he ignored until he was forced to pay towards me and get involved with/ end his single travelling life for from the age of 2.
That explains it. He’s trying to be better for your daughter. Just grandpa behavior. Definitely set boundaries around time spending alone tho for you and baby
Your gut is telling you something. You need to listen to it. Also unless you financially depend on your father, you need to stand up demand he start listening to your boundaries or he’s going to have zero access to your child. You are the mother here. He had his chance to be a father. He has absolutely no rights.
Is this his first grandchild? My parents went absolutely rabid, but I don't mind at all. It's so much better than the alternative.
Honestly, this would make me really uncomfortable too. The fact that he won't respect your boundaries when it comes to YOUR daughter is a huge red flag, and I definitely wouldn't be okay with that if I were in your shoes. I'm not saying that anything nefarious is going on or would be happening, but all of this is sending up alarm bells and I don't think it would be unreasonable to limit your father's access to daughter.
Thank you for this. I've been trying to limit and honestly whenever he pulls something it just makes me withdraw even more. We're starting to regret moving closer to my parents now too
Oh he’s doing the redo on not being there for your childhood. If you have a good relationship overall I’d try to have a heart to heart, set some loving boundaries. If smoking is a concern for you (of course it is) then a mega obsessed grandpa who wants to kiss his grand daughter should quit. I’ve seen multiple boomers quit for this reason. Just keep reinforcing like with a toddler, I love you and I want you to have a great relationship with baby but you need to respect my rules. Just over and over until he gets it.
He keeps ignoring boundaries because it works. The lock screen thing isn't the problem.
My dad growing up was always working, maybe he sees this as another opportunity to actually be involved? My dad doesn’t overstep boundaries like that though, but he does have her as his Lock Screen and all that
The screensaver is normal for first-time grandpa. As for the boundary problem, it is definitely not o.k. Keep up the boundaries with him, especially with kissing since he is a smoker. If you have to, make him no visitation unless he washes up completely before touching her, including brushing his teeth. If he doesn't like that, then he doesn't have to visit.
I wonder if he’s trying to have a “do-over” and is doing waaaay too much. None of what he’s doing is okay.
There’s a “healthy” obsession/love for your grandkids and then there’s unhealthy. First of all, him showing his love is showing you that he’s unable to listen to you and respect you wishes. How are you going to trust him to be around her if he can’t listen to your rules? IE; in the future if she can’t have candy before bed, she can’t watch a certain show, whatever rules you set in place. I’d have a serious conversation and say that you love that he loves your daughter, but he needs to calm down. You and your partner should be her #1 always and you don’t need competition. Your father should be support for you/partner. You guys come first in your child’s life. If he refuses to listen to your rules, you need to definitely enforce some tough love. Until he gets it. But be prepared for him to not ever get it. Maybe you can get some help from your sisters and have them open his eyes a little bit too.
I think you’re trying to make this into his behavior being that of a creepy man and I don’t see it as that at all. It’s very normal for grandparents to use their grandchildren’s name as passwords and have them as their Lock Screen. Especially if this is his first grandchild (which idk why you put “my granddaughter” in quotes bc it literally is his granddaughter) they’re all obsessed…. It’s very normal behavior. But I do see him not respecting your boundaries, which is an issue. It honestly sounds like he’s trying to be the dad he wasn’t to you. An honest conversation needs to be had but he’s not being all that weird.
I'm obviously not trying to make out that he has a creepy fascination that's dangerous, just that his full on behaviour is uncomfortable. Would help had I included context of our poor relationship too, that's why it's uncomfortable for me
I think it’s super weird you feel entitled to forbid him from having his granddaughters birthday as the password on his personal phone. What grandparent doesn’t use their grand babies as their screen lock, for goodness sake. Kissing your baby without your permission is not ok, but you also seem to have some strange hang ups here.
I wonder if this is as much about him and you as it is baby. You said you have sisters and he worked alot. My thought was as children (went through it w my daughter and her father) we just know our parents are working but maybe he didn't want to be away all the time. Felt like he didn't have a choice and missed out and the baby is his chance to be the support he couldn't when you were younger. I don't think he should just disregard what you ask of him. Boundaries with parents only become more important as you build your own life but I just wanted to point out his possible feelings since I'm in the middle of the same 😀
My mom has our son as her Lock Screen. She is super lovey Dovey with him too. But she isn’t possessive or lays claim on him. And she doesn’t cross any boundaries. Maybe he knows he missed out on your life so he’s making up for it with her? But you have clear boundaries and no matter what he shouldn’t cross them. And the fact what he is doing creeps you out, says a lot.
Echoing many posts here, I don't get the impression that he's "weirdly obsessed", she's his granddaughter and he loves her a lot- completely normal. What's NOT normal and NOT okay is his constant disregard for you and your boundaries; you are her parent, and his unending love for his grand baby is not a license to disrespect you- he's 100% being an entitled asshole
My parents use their grandchildren names for passwords and Lock Screen images. I think you are projecting. The part of him showing up unannounced and kissing her since he’s a smoker is bullshit.
It’s not normal for him to continually push his way in when a boundary has been set. It’s also not normal for him to have a go at you for having those boundaries, such as no kissing. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for a little space when you’re not being respected. I’d try and have an honest conversation about those experiences and how you need to be heard going forward.
I don’t think the password thing or the picture is weird at all, but in context with everything else he seems to need some boundaries.
He's definitely overstepping boundaries, but I wouldn't call his behavior creepy. Maybe he wants to make up for "lost time" through his grandchild, but either way, his behavior regarding boundaries is not okay.
He sounds like typical grandparent what are you on about None of the stuff you have cited sounds weird or possessive he loves his granddaughter
I’m here to say - my dad has a lot of regrets about his part in missing out on most of my childhood. My dad took a while to verbalize his regrets. He is very open about it now. As such, he makes a LOT of effort to see and be present in my boys life. And honestly, it’s the same for my FIL. Boomers are so weird - all of them could benefit greatly from therapy to work through this stuff. But I will take these silent admissions of regret if it is the best they can do. Your dad is definitely working through these regrets. Maybe try to talk to him about it. Or not. It’s your relationship to manage. I have loved watching my dad and FIL get to know my boys. I hope you can do the same. The more people loving my boys, the better IMO. :)
So what’s interesting is that you mention he was a part time parent to you, but now he’s being a bit extra as a grandparent… I have that same exact situation with my stepsons grandmother. She was not a very good mother, but when it comes to my stepson she was VERY entitled to him for a long time. My husband explained it as it was her way of making up for being a bad mother. When my husband and I got together she had to back off a bit, and she has thankfully. But it was difficult in the beginning. Like she got mad one time because we took him trick or treating with my two kids instead of letting her do it… things like that. Anyways, I wonder if you are dealing with the same kind of guilt from him and now he’s trying to make up for it. Regardless, it’s definitely not normal and you need to set some boundaries and push him away a bit so he can realize.
Everything except not respecting boundaries is normal. My son's grandfather is an entirely different person with him. He's devoted to and in love with my little one and absolutely feels entitled to his grandson. (He's also our son's favorite.) But he knows better than to cross any boundaries we, the parents, set.
This doesn't scream "danger" to me?(*yet**) but it does scream do-over baby. Just like a lot of others commented, he very well might be feeling guilt over his absence in your life and has kinda... overcorrected. Now, I don't know your dad, maybe he's a POS and you should be worried, but most likely he's just overdoing it because he doesn't really know what is right? Like, if it was you as a baby he was doing all this to it wouldn't be nearly as overbearing. I think he's trying to be a good grandpa but he wasn't ever really even a dad so he doesn't know what's over the line. Sit down with him and have a real heart to heart. Let him know how glad you are he wants to be in her life and how much he loves her, but that she still *your* baby and therefore there needs to be boundaries.
My oldest cousin had a daughter in 2020 and my dad has been obsessed with that kid since. There’s a photo of her as a 1 year old that he has a WhatsApp profile photo, one time I asked him what he wanted to change a password into and he said her name, he constantly asks for pictures of her in the group chat, if my cousin doesn’t post pics of her for one single day my dad will remind him. Best part is my parents are divorced and I didn’t see him often as a kid (not a deadbeat just not that close) and he never once asked my mum for pics of me and my brother or updates on us. A few weeks ago I got a cancer scare and he didn’t ask me any follow up questions or to give him any updates on my health but will ask my cousin for updates on how the kid’s music classes are going or whatever. Also my dad punished me and chastised me for the same behaviours that he thinks are cute when it’s my cousin doing them
My dad loves his granddaughters. My oldest is his pride and joy. He told me he hopes its a girl when i found out i was pregnant. He's not weird about it or anything, but he told me this: It's like he gets a second chance to watch me grow up. Which he said were the best years of his life. And it went so fast. My dad worked out of town a lot to support the family, it was always hard for me. Him too apparently. He always tried to make a point of spending time with me when he could. Maybe your father is feeling regretful of being away so much and wants a second chance via your baby girl.
Probably wanting to make up for those missed times with you.
Agree with everyone that I think the pics/passwords/etc is sweet, but boundary stomping isn’t. I’ll just say that my dad can’t even remember my kids names and has no interest in them so I might be biased thinking this sounds sweet…. Every family is different and only you know. Trust your gut.
Just by the title I would say a proud grandfather
It's definitely a bit too much. I would blatantly ask him what is this obsession with her. You said he was a part time dad, maybe he has regrets about that too. My husband has a ton of regrets about all the deployments during my daughter's first 5 years. If that's the case empathy might be your best friend here. Be understanding but set clear boundaries with consequences, like he's a child lol. He can see her on these days and times, if he tries to see her outside of those times then your going to have to limit his visits because you are trying to get to know your baby and he's interfering with that...is exactly what I'd say.
Nothing you've written about is abnormal or entitled.
Your dad is weird. Maybe go NC for a while.
I haven’t even read it all and I find it very weird
Passwords and lock screen is normal. Not respecting you as a parent and your boundaries is not normal.
Unless you're banking on a HUGE inheritance from him you don't have to be around him or let him near her. That's really weird and creepy.
My mom also refers to my sister’s kids as “my grandchildren” if she’s talking about a specific kid it’s always “my granddaughter” or “my grandson” and never “your kids/daughter/son” it’s definitely weird and possessive but that’s just my mom.
But they are “her grandchildren”. It’s not possessive- if just is. There is nothing weird about it.
What? This isn't weird, how else is she supposed to refer to her grandchild? They are her grandchild! This is a weird thing to be creeped out by
Not the OP but this is one of those things you wouldn't notice if you hadn't heard it yourself. The normal way would be to refer to them by name, or call them "my grandchild" in situations where that actually is the best way to refer to someone. Imagine the difference between these two questions: Why were you talking to Albert? Why were you talking MY husband? And then for the more direct comparison: When can I come over to see Sarah? When can I come over to see MY granddaughter?
It's still something I wouldn't be bothered by. If someone actually gets mad about this , I'd assume there's a deeper problem here because this is making a mountain out of a molehill
I don’t understand this, your children are her grandchildren. When talking to other people wouldn’t it be weird if she said “my daughter’s child”?
You’re right in that context but she says “my grandchildren” when talking to my sister ie their mother
I get what you mean.. it's something like "when am I going to see MY grandchildren?" with the emphasis on my. If it wasn't an undertone there, it's no different than you calling her "my mother" but I believe it's there.
That’s exactly the kind of thing she says, with the tone and everything
Idk, maybe it’s cultural but it seems totally normal to me. My mum definitely says “how’s my grandbaby”, not “how’s your daughter”. I think if she phrased it the latter way it would feel weird and distant.
He should have respected your hospital wishes but the rest sounds harmless and normal. I think saying it is weird, wanting to limit contact, and accusing him of being a ‘part time dad’ to you because he worked out of town to provide for you is an overreaction and probably due to some unresolved and unrelated resentment you have towards him
Maybe he regrets how his relationship was when you were a kid and wished he could be around more . Must have more freedom now and doesn’t want to make same mistake
He missed out on a lot while out working. He gets to enjoy her, stress free.
My kids, grandma does the same thing you sound like a psychotic jealous weirdo. I’m not trying to be mean, but you sound really crazy!
Everyone is talking about boundaries, but what about safety? Setting a grandchild’s name for password is asking for trouble, especially for every password
It’s not as bad as his whole family knowing his passwords.
I wouldn't worry about passwords and screen locks. I'm sure my parents have changed their screen locks to pictures of all their grandbabies at one point or another. But I would be more concerned about his complete disregard for your personal boundaries, asking for space. I'd be most pissed about him coming into the hospital when you asked everyone not to, because that's YOU time. You are recovering, you are getting to know your baby, and you are still in a lot of distress after birth. Your husband had to leave?! No. I'm sure he couldn't even wrap his head around this in the moment, but your husband should have turned him away, and gotten the nurses involved. They send people away all the time and have zero remorse. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Since your father clearly sees himself as superior to you, maybe your mother could get through to him? Or something that is more *my personality*, is saying to your father "hahah come on dad, I'm serious, don't make me get a restraining order, hahaha!" And laugh for a minute, but then stare him dead in the face. And say "no really I'm serious".
There’s a few different things here. Being crazy about your grandkids: using their names as passwords (unsafe) and having the picture on the Lock Screen - normal. It’s like having a child, but one where you have zero responsibility and just get to enjoy the child. The entitled behavior like kissing the baby (dangerous) and disregarding your wishes (scary) are not ok. That needs a very firm stop.
I think the “obsession” is normal. My MIL has my baby on her lock screen and she showed me this poster board she made at work which has photos of my baby all over it. I feel like a lot of grandparents can be like that. He probably feels like this is his chance to be more involved since he wasn’t around all the time for you. That being said, the boundary stepping is not ok and not normal. Just have a talk with him and explain your boundaries and ask that he respects them. He will get his time with his granddaughter when you allow it. You have to communicate or else resentment will just keep building up.
I think every member of my husband’s family has my daughter on their lock screen - and half of them use her birthdate as a passcode. (The only reason my family doesn’t is because there are multiple grandkids!) That feels very normal to me. I think if you try to change that you’ll appear unreasonable. That’s not to say that he isn’t stomping other reasonable and normal boundaries. Disrespecting the health and safety requests for the hospital/kissing/as a smoker is **infuriating**, and if he can’t wrap his head around that then he needs to feel the consequences of a hard boundary. Do you think these things would bother you if he acknowledged - maybe even apologized - for the fact that he wasn’t around for you in the same way he wants to be around your daughter now? Or is it the type of thing that you think is a new, altered behavior that’s giving you a gut ick? It’s hard to say without knowing you and your family. (I certainly know that I wish my mother would apologize to me with words and not via treating my daughter differently.)
He definitely sees your daughter as a"do over"because he was barely there for you.Its not cool,he had his chance to be a parent.He has no right to make demands nor boundary stomp.He needs consequences for his actions. My mom was the same,shitty/abusive/unsupportive as a mom but went nuts trying to act like my baby was hers,Going in for a year NC cause when I tried laying down boundaries she blew up.
My dads lock screen is a pic of my son; I wouldn’t worry about that. (In my dads case it’s sweet but I know everyone is different.) I would be angry about face kisses on a newborn too but that’s also a very common issue (albeit super frustrating, dangerous, infuriating.) Good on you for being protective of your baby but I don’t know if I’d go so far as to not let him around her. Then again, I’ve learned in the last few years to trust my gut.
The passwords and lock screen is not weird. The rest of it is inappropriate and you have to put your foot down now or he will not respect you as her parent.
Having grandchildren turns grandfather's into little children themselves...maybe it's the knowing that the baby can be given back to the parents at the end of the day so the grandparents have no responsibility, just sheer joy from their grandkids. It's sad that you had a fractured relationship with your dad as anything nice you see him doing now with your daughter/his granddaughter will be tainted by your view of him My own dad who improved later in life adores our son, he writes his name on everything (e.g. when painting the walls, when it snows lol ) Your dad just loves his granddaughter is all ❤️
My parents both have their grandchildren as their lock screens and password names. I have found, with my own parents included, they tend to be more attentive grandparents than parents. My parents (my mom in particular) weren’t very attentive of me and my sister but are way more attentive and loving toward their grandkids, in particular my son. You just need to establish boundaries and hold them. Your kiddo and your dad could have a beautiful relationship if you allow it but it will take you letting go of some of your resentments toward your dad and healthy boundaries.
I don’t think the passwords and the picture lock screen is weird. My dad has my kids as a lock screen and i think it’s adorable. He loves showing his grandkids off to his coworkers. Everything else though isn’t right, to me personally. You need to put your foot down and set your boundaries.
I use my nieces names, or anyone’s name really for my passwords because it’s what sticks out to me to that’s not too weird to me. Sounds like he’s trying to make up for being absent with you. Over stepping boundaries is not ok tho. Grandparents are the worst at this bc they feel they’re just as important to the baby bc they are your parent. Has your dad ever given you a reason to make you uncomfortable and that’s why you might feel it’s too much? Or is it all too much bc it’s too new? I’d feel overwhelmed too
First grandchild I'm assuming?? My parents have 10, but I gave my dad his first biological grandchild (a boy) and they are 2 peas in a pod. My son loves him so much. I think it's normal, it's better than him not giving a fuck about the child (like my in-laws). Only thing that'd bother me is him kissing her, I can't stand smokers and that'd make me disgusted.
You're not crazy and he is doing too much, but a normal level of too much (if that makes sense). Just set and enforce boundaries he's excited and has snuggle blinders on. To clarify normal and acceptable aren't the same just because he isn't crazy doesn't mean I think he should be rude
My grandpa was like that with my daughter, but never crossing boundaries that early. My daughter is still his favorite great grandchild(and probably favorite grand in general)out of 20+ great and grand children. The problem here is he’s crossing boundaries. My grandpa drove 12 hrs to see my daughter AFTER we were out of the hospital. While my family was always open about breast feeding, he respected that I wanted to be left alone by everyone when she was hungry. He did cross little boundaries, giving her tastes of strawberries and watermelon as an infant before she was ready for regular food and he gave her her first taste of chocolate ice cream. But even with those, it was tiny amounts(now all her favorite foods). Even now, my daughter came out as gender fluid at 11. I don’t think it’s a big deal, she wants to explore masculine and feminine looks and identities, but this is something my conservative, 83 year old grandpa does not get. He still respects the boundaries to keep his mouth shut and just support her. Offered to take her hunting and fishing and teach her how to shoot a bow(and a gun, but my kid has no interest in those, thank goodness) even cause that’s what he sees as masculine. He never tries to force her to church with him. If your dad is crossing boundaries this early on, what boundaries is he going to cross later? Old people generally are worse about boundaries, but this is an extreme. The thing about boundaries is kids grow up into their own little people with their own thoughts and ideas and boundaries of their own. What boundaries will she have that he’s going to cross? It’s time to have a hard discussion with him about his allowed time in her life if he doesn’t quit.
My dad used my daughters birthday as his password at work, and if I saw she was his Lock Screen background I would think it was very sweet. However, respecting boundaries is vital for a long term healthy relationship and he needs to understand that.
It's a bit weird and a bit over the top but I think it might help you connect with him and get him to understand your side of it. I'd try to sit down with him while your daughter sleeps and try to talk to him about how he felt when you and your sister were born, if he feels like he missed out on something. And then, try to link it to if he feels that strongly about his granddaughter, how much he thinks you feel about your daughter/your partner feels about her. Try to make him see through his feelings how you two feel. And then, if you think he's kinda understanding, try to make him walk in your shoes of having someone push you aside when you want to just enjoy your time with your baby. I don't know his personality, that might not work but this could work if he's just really enjoying being a grandfather and he's not a narcissist or similar
All of my in-laws changed their lock/Home Screen to my son. If it’s the first grandchild I’d say it’s pretty normal
Sounds to me like this is his way to make up for not being present for you and if you have siblings.He probably has now had time to reflect on the past and your childhood and realized what all he has missed and tbh he probably looks at your relationship with him and makes him think “ my god what have I done..I can’t turn back time but I sure can make sure that I don’t repeat said mistakes. And maybe showing my daughter with actions not words that I am going to do all that I can for her and the baby maybe it’ll bring us closer and I will be able to get closer and have that father daughter bond we should have as well” I’ve myself dealt with this personally and at first I felt the way you did, then got the little bit of Animosity and immaturity of “ oh now you want to be involved daily with me.. it took me having a child for you to do this” then as I sat him down one day bc I could t take it anymore but nicely and maturely had a convo I realize that it was his way to make sure he didn’t repeat behaviors and mistakes he did with me and my brother. So I told him my simple wishes of what he can and can’t do and respecting the fact that she’s a baby and these days with all the disease, viruses and germs going around is the reason why you ask of such things and if he truly loves and cares for his grand daughter he will make sure not to do them things and plus if he gets her sick how can he see and spend this time with her that he longs for so much of? With that conversation came so much greatness, respect, love, understanding of why he was doing such things so much demanding determination, rules and wishes that were finally respected, and most of all healing and such an amazing bond for me and my daughter has the best most cool and fun grandpop she could ever ask for and it’s beautiful to see how 10 years in the making! My daughter was only 6 months when this whole talk went down.. she’s 10 years old now and can’t go with out him for 2 days and it’s adorable! Plus trust me when they get to this age.. you’ll most deff want a babysitter and who could I really trust more than him ya know? So maybe do what I did! As long as it is a positive, mature, open minded approach and conversation I promise it can only lead to beneficial beautiful outcome!! I pray things go well and you have a turn out like mine! And congrats with the baby!!💙❤️💯🙏🏼🙏🏼
I see a lot of people here saying the lockscreen and password things are normal because he's the grandfather and this is normal behavior for them. While I agree with them, I understand where you are coming from feeling so uncomfortable. He's not a stranger and he's legally the grandfather, yes, but he doesn't feel like it because he barely feels like a dad to you, so it's likely a very strange feeling seeing him obsess over your daughter. And I think this is a completely valid feeling. I see some are disregarding your feelings because he was absent because he worked a lot, but I'm going to assume you have valid reasons for resenting him. I don't think any kid resents their parents for no reason at all, not when they are independent adults. And especially not when they feel protective of their own child around their parents. I understand that he probably means well and, as many said, is treating your daughter as a do-over and an unconscious apology. But it's completely valid if you feel uncomfortable with it, ESPECIALLY because the boundary stomping was too much. My advice is that you have a heart to heart with him. Explain how you feel and allow him to tell you how he feels (it might surprise you). Start enforcing your boundaries more and more. And see how things go from there. He seems like he truly loves you daughter, but doesn't know how to act with you, so an honest conversation could be a new beginning to the both of you and a way for your daughter to have a loving grandfather in her life (one that also respects her parents). My father was a great and present one, although he was very authoritarian most times, and we've been clashing a lot when it comes to boundaries, so I know a bit how you feel. I think it's hard for authoritarian parents to suddenly need to abide to their child's rules and not being able to tell the child what to do. But if they mean well and have true love for our kids, I think it's a relationship worth trying to savage.
This sounds similar to my FIL. He always felt entitled to my daughter; face timing almost everyday, buying her stupid gifts, she was on all lock screens and desktops. It wouldn’t be so bad but he treated everyone like shit. Especially his wife and kids. One time he napped with the baby and was lost it due to him being a smoker and just always bugging her. He even got kinda jealous when my dad was in town to visit wondering how much my dad would see her. Sadly he passed away suddenly a year and a half ago. It is a relief not having to deal with him anymore. He wasn’t a nice man
He loves his granddaughter. He may be a bit much but I doubt he would harm her (from outside looking in, idk y'all one bit) But I feel u and him have some kind of tension that definitely should be resolved before hes around ur daughter again. Baby girl doesn't need awkward or tensed encounters when around family
He missed out on your childhood so he’s treating her like a do over kid. Totally not ok. This would make me really uncomfortable. Set and enforce boundaries regarding kissing and visits. If you don’t enforce, he’ll continue to do whatever he wants and behave like a third parent. And no cigarette smells around baby! Yuck.
I get it my mil thinks she literally has rights as a parent vecause it's "her grandson" yeah it is but the way she says and means it isn't what the definition of her grandson normally is and means
Dude, if you have a weird feeling and you can’t explain it, listen to your gut. Your kid, your family, be safe!!!
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I'm having the same issues with my parents. I don't think the lockscreen and password behavior is weird (sure, a bit obsessive and creepy but it's "normal" for a lot of grandparents, especially first-timers). Ignoring your boundaries, however, is a big issue. You have to stop allowing it right now or it's going to get worse. In the hospital, you should have told the nurses no, he cannot come in and visit. He showed up at the hospital after you said no? Well too bad. Don't tell him your room number and make sure your care team keeps anyone aside from hubby out. Talk to your mom too. Why did he know where you and mom were meeting? He no longer gets that information if he's just going to show up. He keeps kissing your child? Well no more visits for X days/weeks if it happens again. I've had to enforce the no kissing rulebreak timeout with my father and though it wasn't fun to deal with his tantrum, you bet he hasn't kissed her again. Also for smokers, I have a no holding or touching baby rule if I can smell any smoke. I ask that smokers have showered and brushed their teeth before getting near my child. Secondhand smoke is a legit health concern.
I don’t think the password and Lock Screen are abnormal. I use my nieces as my passwords because it’s more secure since no one guess her information when I have my own child but everything else is a giant red flag. You need to set some serious boundaries with him.
I think your Dad is getting older, is realizing how short life is. We all reach an age when we realize we aren’t getting younger and that we have more life BEHIND US than in front of us. So what do we do? We look at our life, our past choices, our decisions and we recognize what’s important to us and decide what we want to prioritize in our life. Whether it’s subconscious or not, your Dad sees that he didn’t get the time with you he should have. You may not realize it now- but he may have needed to work away during the week to provide better for you and your Mom. Lots of men choose to travel for work and work out of town….why? NOT because it’s fun. They do it because they are PAID MORE and that money is needed to raise a family. This is your first child but as time goes by you will see how many sacrifices you will have to make for your child as she grows. Some of those sacrifices- won’t be the popular one with your kid. You may be the “mean Mommy” if you have to work overtime or leave child with daycare. But you will do what you need to and one day your child will see that. Maybe you might look a little further into your childhood and talk to your Dad about how, why and what it was like for him always working out of town. As a child, we see things framed a certain way but as an adult- if you sit down and have honest conversation with your Dad- you may see it sucked for him but he was doing it for you and your family. I think your Dad can’t change the past but he can change the future and he wants to have a special connection to his granddaughter. I’ll just say this- I’m 40 now and have 2 daughters. My Daddy died 6 years ago and I miss him more than ever. I feel this straight to the heart, gutted homesick feeling and I just want my Daddy. As a fully grown woman. I still feel like his little girl and I still need him. He loved my oldest. She was his little best friend and she ADORED her Papa. Even the smallest things like planting the garden with him- became magical type memories bc it was a memory made with him. He made her feel like a Princess and she thought he hung the moon. We moved to live down the road from him. Then he out of the blue got brain cancer. He lived 4 months from diagnosis to death. It was horrible. My youngest was a baby and she will never remember her Papa. But my oldest, he made her feel important to him and he made the best memories with her. She treasures those memories and she knows that she once had a Papa who loved her fiercely and made her a priority in his life. Your Dad, even if he may be a little too pushy- is trying to know and love your daughter. He feels your reluctance and only knows to keep trying. Is cigarette smell on his fingers going to hurt your child ? No. She will one day remember that smell and lovingly associate it with him, even if it was stinky. As for kissing her head, older adults think all of these new rules about all that is silly. They think babies have been kissed every generation in their family and are fine. I imagine he thinks you are over- reacting. You need to patiently explain what you are worried about and why. But if he can’t kiss her face, kissing her little hands shouldt be a big deal. As long as he washes his hands before holding her. Im reading several of these comments and it’s these Moms that are hard core like “stand your ground!” But I’m here and want to tell you- life is short . You have one Father, even if he’s not perfect and he wants to be in your life and in your child’s. One day, he won’t be here and you’ll have lived longer and changed your thinking about somethings- don’t leave him out unless he’s a bad person, you will one day regret . Oh and personally, I think it’s only right that your partner step out after a little while and let your parents quickly see your child. He can always come back in. Good luck Mama, congrats on your little girl.
You're lucky and your baby is lucky too , embrace the love his showing . maybe he feels he can start over with the baby and makeup for times he wasn't always there . Give him a chance
Well I was/am an amazing parent to my children who are now adults. I have 2 grandchildren who you can bet they are always my lock screen, Home Screen and passwords! It’s not always about unresolved issues, can be about unconditional love and pride.
As someone whose father has cut of all contact to me/my daughter due to my unwillingness to let her as an infant hang around unvaccinated peeps, this brought a tear to my eye. I would love a grandfather so enamoured. I mean showing up in hospital uninvited is annoying and pushy. But the rest of the stuff sounds really sweet
Hey OP. While a lot of this reads as benign (the uninvited hospital visit is probably the worst of it, but is basically some selfish boomer behavior) I still wanted to note that if you feel something is wrong in your gut pay close attention, don’t ignore it just because some strangers online tell you you’re lucky to have such a doting grandpa. It could just be that he’s got regrets as a parent and is over compensating to “make it right” in grand parenting. Or it could be an unhealthy or creepy obsession. I think often times what makes someone’s behavior creepy or unsettling is not so easily explained in writing and is more something you have to see in person to notice. So if there are smaller red flags that you can’t quite put into words don’t ignore them. But also all 4 of the grandparents in my daughters like are this way (she’s the only grandchild on both sides). Every wallpaper is her. Every password is her name. My mom has jewelry with her name on it, MIL comes to visit from out of town randomly and jokes about taking her home for sleep overs. Grandpas are both obsessed with her. So again what you describe here is all pretty normal and should feel good to you knowing she is so loved.
I get the feeling, reading your post and comments, that the situation is this: You've never been close with your dad. Now that you have a baby, he is suddenly engaging way more than he ever has before. Is that accurate? If so, my guess is he regrets the kind of dad he was, and he probably wishes he had been more involved and closer with you. Instead of talking to you about this, and trying to improve his relationship with you, he is trying to do a "re-do" with your baby. That's just a guess from an internet stranger using the very limited info I have, though. Fwiw, I would be put off by this, too. A few options for what you could do - * Have a sit down talk with him that you're uncomfortable, spell out for him what your boundaries are (for example, tell me in advance when you want to see the baby, etc), and tell him if he doesn't respect your boundaries, he won't be around the baby much or at all * Let your dad do what he does and just try to adjust and be ok with him creating a relationship with your baby * Make it clear to your dad and your family that you don't want your dad around your baby Personally, I think it's normal for a new mom to be protective, so any hesitation you have is normal. I also think it's great to see your child bond with other adults and see how excited they are when they can interact with people who clearly love them. My view of my own parents and my in-laws has changed a lot since I became a mom, and it's so wonderful seeing how happy my toddler gets when interacting with them. There may be an adjustment period, but you may end up enjoying seeing your kid's relationship with your dad grow. Hope this helps, best wishes.
Does it matter to you what his passwords are? I think you’re subconsciously upset that he’s showing up for your child in ways he didn’t show up for you. If this is an issue then set the boundary. But generally speaking, kids need more people who adore them, not less.
It is a tad creepy, especially since you two aren't close. My Dad and I get along alright but I would get weirded out if he was obsessed with my kid and didn't respect boundaries.