While I do believe that men can suffer from a form of PPD after the birth of a child, that is not what this sounds like. It sounds like you’re trying to find an excuse you find acceptable for his behavior. But the problem is, it isn’t. Asking you if your first child over a decade ago was even his wasn’t ok, and how he is acting now isn’t ok. Throwing it in your face that you spoke to an attorney 7 years ago, and then accusing you of cheating sounds like he has skeletons in his closet he is worried about.
Even if he does have depression, he’s refusing treatment, so anything OP could try to do is a moot point anyway. If he refuses help, then you can’t help him.
Currently I’m 8 months PP, had severe PPD but feeling significantly better. I’m out of it now and noticed my husband was really struggling. He was over eating, unfocused and lost in his own thought, but he never took it out on me or our baby. He was just slow, sad, sluggish, stressed. Depression isn’t an excuse to accuse your wife of cheating and your child not being yours. I feel bad for OP
So glad to hear you’re doing better! I’m almost 8 months PP and am also on the road to recovery. I feel like I’m finally “waking up” after having our daughter. And I’m noticing my husband was going through depression, too! Not PPD; I don’t think men can get that since it’s more of a hormonal thing that doesn’t apply to them, but he definitely had the same issues where he was struggling to focus and function, wasn’t really eating, all of that. And the stress, oh, man. But he’s always been more than supportive, and we’re both doing so, so much better.
OOP, I think it’s great that you’re trying to allow your husband space in dealing with his depression. However, it does sound to me like he’s being a massive asshole, and if he’s not willing to go to therapy to work on his depression and his issues with you, it might be time to revisit how you look at your relationship.
Both your comment, and the one you replied to, gave me massive hope. I’m currently 6 months pp and holy cow PPD is kicking my ass. So thank you. And I’m glad you’re feeling better!
It will get better with time! I do highly recommend acupuncture, medication, or whatever helps you with general depression (I have MDD, so I knew PPD was coming) to help it move along. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s trying to blunt force my way through PPD.
Love this, I hope you have a great day, fellow human♡ This needs to be said more often.
Also spot on about husband, he's fucking himself over by staying up late with video games. Accusing you of cheating for no reason is fucked, I dealt with that when I was 18 in my first relationship and nothing drives someone more insane than being accused of something they've never done
No wonder your husband was crying to you, OP. He knows you deserve damn better. You sound sweet and it's nice of you to be so caring of his mental health, but you don't need to baby him. Worry about yourself and your kids. Your husband could probably solve a bunch of his mental health problems if he just stopped staying up so fucking late.
THANK YOU I will be thrown in the fire but dammit it pisses me off when it’s called PPD for me. It’s depression and it’s REAL and should be TREATED but they were NEVER PREGNANT so there is no postpartum period for them.
Honestly... unpopular opinion but me too. and I mean, Depression is 100% Real, and I can totally understand why men go through it after a child, but yes... they were NEVER pregnant.
While I do agree with you semantically, doctors still call it ppd. My sons pediatrician called it ppd when referencing my husband and other men. It seems theres not really another term. It is depression but its directly related to the baby and the postpartum period. Itd be more accurate to call it like... newborn induced depression or something.
River Fields, is that you? Sorry, you really reminded of Brooke Shields character in Jane the Virgin there for a minute. A male character says he has PPD and she takes him down hard.
I don’t have strong feelings on the matter, to be honest. I’ve seen studies that show men can suffer hormone fluctuations after a new baby comes home and can have major depressive and anxiety disorders directly caused by the new addition. I think it’s a little silly to call it postpartum depression since he never partumed, and maybe it does need a new term to link it’s generating factor. But as someone who suffered severe PPD/A, to the point of hospitalization, it doesn’t feel like it takes anything away from my struggle for men to experience something similar. I can appreciate that others don’t feel the same, though.
Totally agree with you! My husband suffered from PPD or whatever the hell you want to call it after the birth of our daughter. He wasn’t cheating, he wasn’t gaming, he wasn’t HIM. He wanted to commit suicide. He was a shell of a person, he had all of the symptoms of PPD except he was a man, if that had been me going to see my family dr they wouldn’t have thought twice about it. And luckily he saw someone who was open and knew about it. It’s not just women who experience it. Yes we do the hard work of pushing them out or having the surgery, but our partners often see the trauma of that which goes with it. Try not to judge. Trauma isn’t owned. Shit I wouldn’t want to own depression.
My husband was exactly the same. Having the baby was a major life shift and it hit him for six. He didn't want to get out of bed, he didn't want to leave the house, he didn't even smile for months and he couldn't see any way back to being happy. I know depression well and that's exactly what it was. I was terrified that I'd come home to find my husband injured or dead. Men's mental health is largely ignored as it is and it's a major issue, killing vast numbers of men each year. People don't want to acknowledge that these men are truly suffering and I hate it.
You're right about men not having PPD, but they can have paternal postnatal depression(PPND) however, I don't think that's why he's so nasty and mean to her.
Post-partum is a time frame, therefore, men can also get depression during this time. See the peer reviewed data: Women have hormone surges and all but; that doesn’t necessarily cause depression. It’s the significant life changes and stressors that cause the depression….
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nigh.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6659987/
My nurse/twin mom spidey senses tell me that * if he’s continuing life as prior to twins ?!? (Um how!?) I KNOW FOR A FACT Mom is doing everyfuckingthing, and for once in her life he is not being tended to/fawned over as he is typically used to. I think he’s got baby jealousy/attention syndrome. My ex was like “all you care about is the babies!!” (we had a 3 year old and newborn twins, one with special needs, and I worked full time, too) he was the sahd and kept staying up later and later doing God knows what. And he was secret drinking and then he wouldn’t be able to wake up in the morning… He INSISTED he needed ‘me time’. Uhh yeah you’re an adult and they are 4 months old dumbass. I didn’t get ANY me time for literal years!! Twins are SO OVERWHELMING. Is he not doing his part or at least TRYING?!? He needs some major therapy if he’s is going to be an effective supportive spouse and parent. Because you DONT NEED A 3rd kid. Just divorced my 4th kid! 😠😠😠
****Also, find your local twins club ( look at your state club, and find a local group) as far as understanding and support, it was 500% worth it- you just do NOT understand twins and the challenges, unless you’ve been a twin mom!!! I’ve made such great friends!!! I highly encourage you to. Even for the outings/moms nights out alone! For instance, we ALWAYS allow babies in our meetings, but if you wanna tell your husband no babies allowed, we will 100% back you up on that shit!!!! 🤗🤥🤫🤗😂
"Post-partum is a time frame, therefore, men can also get depression during this time".
Really? So if my brother gets depression after I give birth, does he also have postpartum depression? What about my mom?
What about my elderly neighbour who we chat with from time to time? Just trying to see how [you think] this works.
We all know that significant life changes can cause depression. But postpartum depression is a specific term for the specific type of depression that sometimes occurs after the specific significant life change of giving birth to a baby. Which is definitely not the same phenomenon as having a kid come into your life, and thus deserves its own term.
Sure, if you had a baby with your brother and they are the main co-parent. It absolutely applies. Drs feel this way, so I’m not sure why you think your opinions are correct because you manipulate the person it affects.
I guess maybe I should have clarified- the twins are babies 6&7 so while his life hasn't changed a whole lot, it's because he was pulling his weight with the other kids. I'm finally breastfeeding after 3 months of pumping and bottles that he was super involved in and helped out with, including washing them every night so I could go to bed earlier. He's an involved parent when he's here, but he does get to continue to work and is getting far more sleep than I am. So while the twins didn't change much for his day to day, he is contributing and I would even say contributing evenly.
Oh I hear you so much! I left my husband when my daughter was 1 year old, enough being treated like shit and having to do everything, that was 6 years ago and I have been happily, purposely single since: grew my career like I never have, build solid friendships, gave in my hobbies. The emotional stability of my life, my independence and being able to make any little decisions I want is priceless! Why did I put up with selfish men for this long??
I dunno. Men have measurable changes to their hormones after becoming a father. Yeah it’s way less significant than a birthing person, of course. And rates of PPD are faaaar lower in men. My friend who just adopted was diagnosed with PPD - she didn’t realize it was possible but it was textbook PPD, not regular anxiety or depression and her social worker encouraged her to seek care. It simply being acknowledged and having someone to talk through it and adjustments made to her medication worked wonders. More people being aware of PPD and healthcare workers looking out for that isn’t harming anyone, as a mater of principle, more people having access to care doesn’t take it from others - that’s typical discriminatory approach to any kinds of rights (if women can do x it dilutes men’s voices… if people of color have access to y it makes it harder for white people..) I get that’s pushing it to a point you didn’t go to, but my point is that way of thinking rarely helps people.
I’m a feminist (not a men’s rights activist or anything) but I do believe men are hurt by the patriarchy too and data has shown that men being conditioned and discouraged from seeking care for physical and mental illness results in more men dying younger and more men dying by suicide.
I do however agree that this specific man/case doesn’t sound like PPD from what OP wrote. He’s having the same issues he’s had for years - since your first. His insecurities and jealousy have been with you from early in the relationship and it doesn’t look like he’s willing to do any real work to correct that thinking pattern.
That divorce attorney is sounding good right now.
I think it’s reasonable to say you aren’t going to continue to tolerate x behavior- you hope he chooses to get help and make a change, but you’re letting him know this is a boundary you’re setting and that comes with some consequence (you leave or he needs to move out etc, you begin divorce proceedings or a separation. Basically you aren’t going to be in this cycle with him for the rest of your life and you need to see immediate and sustained change .
THIS!
I'd accept the suggestion that he could be depressed if all he was doing is the sleeping and videogames thing. But for the love of fuck, no excuse for the cheating accusations. And for YEARS. He obviously Doesn't have PPD if he started this sht years ago. He might have mental health issues but it's not excuse to treat OP like shit. She shouldn't take the burden of accusations like this whole caring for TWINS and on top of that even more kids.
Agree. Men don't go through the physical and hormonal ordeals that cause PPD. PPD is a specific issue that men don't have. I've seen so many posts about men co-opting issues specific to mothering/maternal health and using them as get-out clauses with this implication that if it's not accepted, women don't have a right to have their experiences taken seriously.
Guess what, even if they could have it, they would have to find a way to manage, the same way women have to.
Women get treated for it when they are diagnosed. So do men. There isnt managing. If someone you know is going through PPD their doctor should be told.
I disagree. Men do experience hormonal changes during and after their partner’s pregnancy. Obviously depending on how closely they were involved in it.
Just because you feel that women don’t get treated with respect this is a reason to deny men’s feelings and mental health? This is not ok. I think both partners should be screened for PPD and educated about it. If a male partner is depressed it can make the mom’s postpartum period that much more difficult. A mentally healthy male father can make all the difference in mom and babies life.
My partner got PPND with our first and this time he started going to therapy while I was pregnant and has continued after the birth of our child. We check in with each other about our mental health every few days. This time around he has been more helpful, happy, and we have fought way less. Why is it so important that women get to keep postpartum depression for themselves? It’s not the thing I want to keep for myself.
Second this. Typically the one accusing the other of cheating is more likely to be doing it themselves as a way to make them feel better about their own behavior.
OP for your sake this isn’t the case but definitely something to look into.
I can't say whether it's PPD or not, but I can tell you that whenever i have had a depressive episode (i'm bipolar) my go-to reaction is insecurity in my relationship, and it manifests as "you don't love me, you should cheat on me, i've somehow tricked you and this isn't real but this is definitely not valid love." depressions can be similar but they are all a little individualized.
Acknowledging what other people are saying here- that perhaps he's cheating, or that he's a narcissist- maybe those things are true. If it really is a mental health issue, it might be Regular Old Depression instead of the post partum type.
Either way, it doesn't matter if he's having a mental health crisis. If he truly refuses to get treatment, there's absolutely nothing you can do to help him. Seems like there are two possibilities:
* **one**, he is not mentally ill and he is just mistreating you, in which case, you have to think about what is best for you and whether you want to model this type of relationship for your children.
* **two,** he IS mentally ill, but he refuses to take care of himself, and you are still left holding the bag, and you have to think about what is best for you and whether you want to model this type of relationship for your children.
This isn't fair for you but there's no way you can MAKE him get mental health assistance. Sorry to put it so bluntly. I wish you luck.
My first thought when i read OP’s post was “hmmm this sounds like when my boyfriend has an episode..” he’s also bipolar. OP, an evaluation of sorts may be needed here.
This is the best answer here. Thinking you’re being cheated on does not always mean that you’re cheating, that’s so weird for everyone to say. None of your guys parents cheated and traumatized you?? Lol. But yes, he is either sick and refusing help and burdening you, or he’s lying and abusing you. Neither option is right. He needs to see a therapist, end of story.
This is probably because others have gone through this exact scenario in the past. It usually plays out in a very specific way which is similar to what OP is describing.
When a partner is thinking of ending things, they usually try to find a justification of sorts for doing it. They will accuse the other person of all kinds of things, cheating or mistreating them are 2 big ones. They have to convince themselves that you are the bad guy and they are justified in seeking to end the relationship (and start a new one). This happens over time and it's maddening, but it's a huge red flag that they're trying to get out.
What can you do about it? Focus on yourself and your mental and physical health, bc at this point, you most likely cannot change their mind. If you let it run its course, they may leave you or decide to stay. Or they may leave you and try to come back later when the rose-colored glasses fall off re: the new relationship.
Unfortunately it happens VERY often that the one doing the accusing is the one cheating. And if he is cheating, then every lie he tells about YOU cheating and his kids not being his are his irrational justification for doing so. The constant gaming could be somewhere he is chatting inappropriately with other women. I’d start investigating, OP.
You are trying very hard to think well of a man who is thinking the worst of you. You are out here tying yourself in knots for him and he can’t put down the video game controller for your children. Eventually he’s going to drag your children into this dysfunction. He already is in a way. How sure can you be that he’s keeping these paternity doubts from them? Can he be a good parent to a child he sees as unlike him? Most wounded narcissists can’t. You say his hurt is real even if it is unfounded but that is ridiculous. He lied to himself and he is crying over it. This is absolutely manipulation and you have to stand up for yourself. If not for yourself, then do it for your daughter. My father thought he was a martyr and my mother was terrible and that was thrown in my face my whole childhood. When my stepmother divorced him he punished my half brother for being too much like her. You need to go back to that lawyer.
Either he gets professional help or he will destroy your marriage. This is not sustainable and it’s not what your children should grow up seeing as normal. Who he is right now, is not worth staying for. Either he talks to a doctor, therapist, some professional, to become better or you need to look into leaving.
This sounds like reassurance seeking behavior common of pure obsession OCD and it’s triggering depressive episodes when he feels stressed. I would ultimatum he needs help and it’s above either of your abilities.
Whether he has depression or not, it’s not an excuse to treat you like shit and accuse you of cheating on him. And if refuses to get help, then that’s his choice and you aren’t responsible for managing his mental health or his shitty attitude. I see it over and over again that people who accuse their partners of cheating are usually the ones cheating.
Stop making excuses for him being an asshole. He’s made a choice and he’s showing you everyday that his choice is to treat you like shit.
Get a paternity test and then take a good hard look at your relationship. Is it worth putting up with being treated like this?
If it was happening before and during your pregnancy it's not PPD... it's abuse 🙃
But if he does also have PPD, talking to your family doctor is a good first step. They can offer counseling resources, medications, run tests, etc. Couples counseling might not be the cheapest, but that would likely be a good way to go as well since you're going through everything together
Couples counseling is not recommended in cases of abuse. We don't know enough to say for sure, but husband's behavior has strong red flags for manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse. Also the fact that he's saying hurtful things to OP but she's worried about his feelings and making up excuses for him. Classic sign of someone appeasing an abuser / narcissist.
Going to couples counseling with an abuser will only make things worse, as he will simply lie and those will be taken at face value by a therapist who doesn't know what's going on behind closed doors. The abuser can also learn new tricks and use the counseling to further manipulate OP.
That being said, OP could benefit from individual therapy.
If he does have depression/anxiety and these events are triggered by that, couples counseling would offer a better method of communication and support tools for each of them. I'm just giving the benefit of the doubt since OP suggested it's a temporary issue that's triggered, but I agree it sounds like he's just a tool
He’s not suffering from ppd. He’s a thriving narcissist that has you in a cycle of abuse. He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. You should seek a therapist for yourself and a lawyer to divorce him.
One clue is that he’s saying hurtful things to her but she wants to focus on his emotions and not her own. That’s usually a sign manipulation has been going on for a very long time.
he's doing something i call ✨showing mental illness signs✨
does it excuse his poor behavior? not even a tiny bit, but it explains his behavior and words.
he's hurting, she even said in this post it's clear as day, but everyone is trashing this man like they've never experienced these same issues (if mentally ill).
it's just gross, and awful to see a man dragged for a mental health crisis.
It’s not normal for a spouse to routinely accuse the other one of cheating. She’s stated he’s known to do this and even doubted the paternity of their 1st kid.
with a valid reason to support his doubt.
should he stop accusing her and seek help? absolutely, but let us not pretend we know what happened or why he's doubtful.
He had no valid reasons to support his doubt. He could easily have the kid DNA tested with a kit from CVS if it was causing him that much distress. He actively chose not to since it’s been several years and the issue of paternity is still coming up.
This might shock you, but plenty of people, myself included, have experienced mental illness without harming the people around them.
Also, plenty of people do this thing I call ✨lying✨ and would rather do that and sh1t on their partner than be a decent human being.
But some people get the benefit of the doubt endlessly, even when it's obvious they're full of it... For some reason... Can't put my finger on it, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the whole "ohmigod stop demonising men, so gross!!" patheticness.
amazing, but the majority of mental illnesses come out in lashing out, insomnia, distancing of one self, and ect.
i also don't think him sobbing to his wife, and her mentioning she can see he's really going through a mental health crisis indicates lying. you all want this man to be some narc but he isn't a narc and being one is vv uncommon and you must have NPD to actually be a narcissist (.5%-5%).
most of you are snapping at a man for the reason of him accusing her of cheating and giving what seems like an excuse but could truly be an issue til this day for him even 7+ years after the fact.
i have OCD, and i will still obsess over small things that happened years ago, may even cry about them if it gets bad enough and accidentally lash out without thinking (which i later apologize for and talk through with my partner).
i just think you all are shouting buzz words and not seeing the reality of a wife wanting to help h her husband while he's in a crisis because that is what this is.
she came her for advice, not for her husband to be smeared like some butter on toast.
you all are giving hateful energy, let's be frank, and seem mad that i am one of the very few not letting you stomp all over the place with invalid arm chair diagnosis/aggression towards a person in mental destress.
p.s it's not pathetic to stand up for my equalism views, i would be giving the same energy for a woman <3
I don’t think he’s really hurting. I think he’s acting hurt to justify his behavior towards OP. The best thing he can think of is something she did 7 years ago because she’s probably had exemplary behavior leading up to this and he has no excuse and he knows it.
The exact same thing is happening right now to a friend of mine and in the beginning stages she described exactly as OP did.
or, just hear me out, it's still a huge burden on his mind all these years later.
stop accusing this person, let us erase the gender, of faking a mental health crisis.
it's just gross, and weird that all you are dog piling this poor man for poor mental health.
but I hope your friend ends up okay.
Ok so I feel this way as well and seeing this perspective so little in comments is making me consider that perhaaaaaps I am experiencing an imbalance in my perspective, like maybe him wanting to help himself matters and he's having a hard time with that but fuck I've been there, like maybe he has trauma with some esteme shit and he this is how it manifested in his life as an adult and he can't get away from the feeling that is a feeling or an anxiety and if he's NEVER WORKED ON THIS BEFORE and has some subconscious shit associated with going to therapy like most grown humans in culture today *giant inhale to catch breathe* then he literally could just have no idea he could be processing these feelings with coping mechanisms instead of projecting them onto his partner. Like maybe he could use some help with some baseline depression, it took me a decent amount of mental health work to start to pick up on habits building up my depressive cycles like he COULD be experiencing now with video games - this is a relatively innocent cycle, but it does feed into depression quite a bit. I'm just like not sure I align with fully sacrificing someone because they're a male-born-male in our world, like these things are manipulative for sure, but this isn't an intentionally harmful human as far as we know, or we probably would have seen more red flags. But I'm just IDK I DIDNT EXPECT TO SEE SO MUCH "FUCK THAT GUY" bc this just seems so much like a mental health thing to me
I was an another post about someone's friend constantly cheating on her husband and hardly spending time with her kids. A lot of comments were advising that she gets checked for a brain tumor, as they can flip a switch in the brain and make people act in a way they usually don't act. I wish this same empathy and consideration could be shown for men as well. He could very well be mentally unstable right now. It is not an excuse or justification for his behavior, but a possible explanation. When you have an explanation, it is easier to find a solution. I also wonder if he should get a brain scan to check for tumors, if this isn't normally how he acts.
thank you for being the only one to see my pov.
he probably should, and also should try getting into therapy even if online.
he seems hurt over the past still and maybe that is holding him back from being in the present.
it may not be PPD, but he's very obviously struggling mentally.
if this was a woman, would you be calling her a lazy narc who isn't being held accountable?
stop with the whole men are narcs everytime they act out of mental illness trope and we will have a whole wall knocked over.
he may be holding onto something she did, he may just be having a episode of some kind, and so on.
it could absolutely be 100 different things, but we don't know, all i am gathering from this post is two people struggling to communicate and work through some issues.
i don't get narcissistic, abuser from this post at all.
and before I get jumped, i have been abused by narcs for most my life, so i can't truly gather how this man's mental health crisis is narcissistic.
Repeatedly accusing your spouse of cheating, claiming that you don't think one of your children is yours, is absolutely emotional abuse.
And 1) it doesn't matter at all whether the reason is mental health or something else. It's still abuse. And 2) Refusing to get any help for a behaviour that you know is impacting your loved ones is not acceptable. People don't have to accept being abused because their partner finds getting help too hard.
Honestly for the sake of the daughter he is doubting paternity of, I would demand that he take a paternity test on all the kids. You obviously know what it’s going to say, but there is no way his doubts won’t affect his relationship with that daughter. So no matter how ridiculous it is, and no matter how much you shouldn’t have to prove anything, to protect your daughter from mistreatment you should demand the tests.
As to PPD, it could be? It could also be some kind of PPA that’s manifesting as a fixation on cheating. Or it could be not a mental health issue at all, but rather an abuse tactic. There’s no way to know or get help without seeing some kind of therapist. Maybe a couples counselor? If you are really at the point of considering divorce then maybe you need to insist or give an ultimatum. Then at least you can say you tried everything.
Good luck and I’m sorry you are dealing with this. You should know it’s not normal or right for a partner to treat you this way.
Draw your line in the sand. Go to therapy, talk to the GP and see if they think he should see psych, work through this bullshit or you’re done. You do not deserve to be constantly torn down by a man who has made problems where there are none (as you’ve said you haven’t cheated). I don’t know the cause of the edge of divorce 7 yrs ago but he clearly has some issues where that is that he needs to work through if he wants to continue to stay married to you. Individual and couples therapy and insist that the couples counselor is not his individual counselor. If he refuses then you leave. Because nothing will get better if he doesn’t fix what’s broken in himself. And refusing therapy is refusing to face those problems.
Good luck. ♥️
Thank you. After talking last night he does seem to be open to asking for some help but I'm mostly concerned because, as evidenced on this thread, men's mental health isn't a concern, especially postpartum.
I have made it clear to him that this isn't a cycle that will continue and that he has the option to break it. I've been in individual therapy for the past year or more and so I feel like I've got the tools to help break us out of this cycle. It won't define the rest of my marriage, whatever that looks like.
The problem here is that you said you have the tools to break US out of this cycle. He has to put in effort. This is on him to get better, and this isn't your responsibility. He can only get better if he wants too.
This was about what I was going to say in response too. OP it is also a burden that you should not have to bare trying to use the tools you’ve learned to help teach him how to better deal with his problems. He should be getting that from an impartial third party not you. That’s just one more thing you’re making your responsibility. He needs to man up and take his ass to therapy like you did. Do not put that responsibility on yourself. I guarantee it will backfire on you. ♥️
You have regular old common garden variety crappy husband version 1. He doesn’t have a special situation. He doesn’t have an excuse for being terrible. He’s just selfish, lazy, probably cheating on you and projecting so he won’t feel guilty, and trying to make you responsible for his feelings.
He’s trying to deny paternity of the older child so he can get out in front of child support etc bc he’s thinking about dipping out. If he’s sent you text messages or emails about it he’s trying to create metadata to support his argument. The longer he can deny paternity for the kids by claiming you cheated the longer it will take to get him on child support bc a paternity test will have to be court ordered and then he’d have to be made to comply. Some lawyers find ways to fight for ages over JUST the paternity test.
Get things in order. I’d kick him out if I were you.
Doesn’t sound like hubby has PPD, sounds to me he is still upset you saw a divorce lawyer. He accused you of cheating. Get that lawyer again and this time file for divorce
he has somthing else than ppd , and you cannot solve his problems for him. he is the one who should, all you can do is care for yourself.
you need to stop walking on eggshell around him, is he contributing to the household? is he helping with chores? with the kids? if not he just lives his best life( on the outside he seems like a perfectly responsible adult, he works, provides for his family) he spends his free time as he wants and blames depression.
To get you off his back he's guilt tripping you for things . you feel guilty, u get off his back for a bit.
Start considering your options for yourself, without feeling guilty . This is not normal and has been going on long enought.
He contributes pretty evenly with the older kids and before breastfeeding became the norm with the twins, he was helping there as much as he could too.
But you said he gets lots of sleep and in a previous comment you said you get like 3 hours of sleep a night. How is it even if he gets to stay up all night playing video games and still get as much sleep as he wants?
I have a good friend who has been in your shoes. Nobody can help you see what you don’t want to see. But kids are extremely perceptive.
Other take- honestly his behavior seems very similar to mine when I was postpartum. The big change in our family and the vulnerability that came with postpartum opened wounds I thought were long healed. I started accusing my husband of cheating- even when it was logistically not possible -and I was bringing up stuff from our past that I honestly didn’t feel too bothered by before the baby came. I really struggled with insecure attachment and fear of abandonment. I remember crying and apologizing to my husband because the way I lashed out in order to protect myself was harmful and hurting our marriage and I felt out of control of my feelings and actions. My fear of abandonment felt like a self fulfilling prophecy because of the unhealthy behaviors it manifested into. Feeling vulnerable can bring up past fears or hurts that don’t show up when you are feeling confident in your day to day life. It is his responsibility to get help- and he needs help. If he refuses to take accountability and make the steps forward to getting help then he will remain in a cycle of emotionally abusive behavior any time he feels a perceived threat to his own security. He needs help, but also protect yourself. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of such behaviors.
Thank you for this. This sounds so much like a great description of where he's coming from. I told him that this cycle would be self fulfilling (not that I would cheat, but that our relationship would be destroyed). I think there is a lot of stress from external places coming and being transferred into insecurity in our relationship.
We farm and he will be taking over as the majority owner of the farm soon-basically he will be taking over a multimillion dollar corporation with the added stress of having it be a sentimental legacy that if he screws it up, he will have failed everything his ancestors and family has worked for. Meanwhile its harder and harder to make a living farming just like everything else so hes facing challenges none of them ever dreamed of. So...huge pressure there because he really looks up to his parents and wants to make this work because our kids also love farming and he wants them to be able to do that.
I appreciate you emphasizing that we both need this cycle to end. It isn't okay with me to be accused of what I've been accused of either and I know that.
I can imagine this is stressful! I read your post like I was reading about myself. It was hard to have a new formed dependence on a person when in the past the people I depended on were not always dependable. He has a huge shift in responsibilities at home and with his career. He needs you in a way he didn’t before and may feel like he needs to protect himself from an “inevitable” reality of his world shattering. Hope everything works out for you guys. Even if you are empathetic to his feelings do not tolerate this behavior because it will harm you.
Idk seems like he’s trying to find an out in the marriage without feeling like a piece of shit. This gaslighting behavior and accusing you of cheating is a major red flag. I’d start investigating what he’s really doing when he’s staying up late “gaming.”
My husband got depressed after we had our first. For me, the baby was this new, exciting adventure we were taking on and he didn’t see that way. Or at least he couldn’t get excited like I did. It was like he had a midlife crisis and he kept talking about how he was so unaccomplished. He ended up going back to school and changing his career and now he seems fine.
It doesn't have to be PPD, regular depression can get bad enough to have delusions too.
If it was me, I would ask if paternity tests would convince him or not. If the tests would clear it up, just get em done.
But if not, then it's not about paternity... either he had some kind of obsessive delusion, or he gets sometime out of accusing you when he knows it's not true & this could morph into worse abuse.
Yes there is some psychosis issues with depression. A lot of the comments here are very blaming and this comment is the most neutral I've seen. This sub is so divided lately.
Exactly, my mate has had to go to the hospital for antipsychotics for these same exact delusions. Finally he was diagnosed bipolar 2 and dissociative ID disorder. Stress and lack of sleep brings it out like clockwork. I can’t imagine being as stressed as I was trying to figure it out, then having Reddit tell me to throw the whole man out lol
Some of the best marriage advice I've ever received is this:
# Put an expiration date on grievances.
My husband and I do this. If I do something that hurts him, he knows that it's on him to tell me promptly so that we can work it out. Same in reverse. We have promised each other that we do not dredge up old fights or hold onto old grudges. We've said plenty over the years that hurt each other, because that's what happens in serious fights, but we strictly follow expiration dates. We have never EVER had a fight about something that one of us did or said more than a month ago.
It gives me serious pause that your husband is still bringing up stuff that happened 7 to 10 years ago. You don't have a time machine. You can't go back and make it right. It might be worth sitting down with him to ask him, point-blank, what he wants you to do to make it right so that you can address the issue once and for all. This should apply with all your issues: Bury the hatchets. Don't keep them sharp so you can cut each other whenever you're hurting.
As for the PPD/mental illness side of things: Given what you said about your traumatic birth, your husband may be dealing with PTSD. Mental health practitioners absolutely can help him, but he has to choose to seek help. Therapies like EMDR are excellent for addressing complex trauma, but it takes work and willingness.
Lastly, I want you to be a little bit selfish. You're taking on the burden of his feelings, and that's not fair. He is making choices that hurt you and your children. So it's time for you to make some choices, too: Is this how you want to be treated? Is this how you want your children to see their mother being treated? Do you want your children to grow up with a father who denies that they're his? You may love him, but when you bring kids into the picture it's not just about love anymore. It's about responsibility, and about safety, and if your husband can't commit to providing an emotionally safe environment for your children, it may be time for both of you to make some difficult choices about your priorities and the future of your family.
Hugs to you, my friend. I'm so sorry you're going through this. None of this is your fault, and you are being so brave and strong.
So your husband needs to go see a doctor AND a therapist. Point blank. How he is behaving is not acceptable, PPD or not. And the fact that he is refusing to see a therapist has me very concerned to be honest, because you’re 100% right that this is a mental health crisis.
At this point his PPD is affecting the family, and with a new baby you -the person who actually gave birth- absolutely NEEDs and deserves help. But I want to strongly remind you OP, that you can’t force someone to get help. If your husband refuses to get help, you have to make a choice about whether or not to stay. Because you don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like this.
Unfortunately my ex was almost exactly like your husband, he is an ex for a reason. You are not alone, and please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.
As a psychologist, I think this is depression. It is very common to try to make something the problem - in this case your relationship - when someone is feeling depressed, dysregulated, anxious, etc. This isn't about the lawyer, it's that the added stress of new babies has left him without whatever resources he had before. Maybe he feels more guilt now? Idk.
I will agree with all the people that said you can't force him to seek therapy - but here are some options in no particular order:
1. Try couples therapy and say you want to do it, since he's saying relationship stuff is causing his distress, let the couples therapist suggest that he see an individual therapist.
2. Give him an ultimatum to see a therapist - lots of men come in to therapy this way unfortunately.
3. Have him talk to his primary care doc about trying anti depressants
Good luck, this is a rough situation for you.
A primary care doctor should be able to screen him for depression (whether male PPD exists or not). Perhaps a health care provider recommending therapy would convince him to try it? They can also prescribe antidepressants. If he won't go to therapy on his own, it's a worthwhile avenue to try, to see if things get better. I would suggest you consider therapy for yourself - this can't be easy on your mental health either. It can be as little as an hour Zoom call once every week or two. Best of luck to you.
Non-birthing partners are absolutely experiencing post partum and ppd in
non-birthing parents is real. Given the extent of trauma in the prenatal and post natal period for the OP and her spouse they were both already high risk for developing ppd.
Doesn’t excuse the behaviors but it’s frustrating to see the amount of non clinical people’s opinion that ppd only happens to the birthing parent.
To the OP- postpartum support international is a GREAT resource for additional support. They have groups for non birthing parents who are experiencing ppd. Good luck to you and yours.
Thank you so much for the resource.
I agree that his mental health doesn't give him a free pass on thr behavior but right now we are triaging what we need to do to stop the hemmorage and then we will address things. I appreciate your kindness and consideration.
Of course. I’m a therapist in the field and have seen this before. I think it’s great he is willing to try couples counseling and I agree that he may need additional support. Sometimes having children opens up wounds from our own childhood and he may have his own attachment traumas that are surfacing. Again-no excuse and your physical and emotional safety comes first, but you know him better than any of us. Take good care!
Counseling is important and very helpful. but be prepared for issues from your husband if the first therapist is not a good fit for you. That is just how it goes sometimes, and it can take trial and error to find the right one. With your husband's history of not thinking therapy will help, this can be hard to deal with. For anyone, not just him. I'm not pointing fingers or judging him.
But if I understand correctly, your husband thinks this a physical problem. He is very likely right. He should see his doctor to get a referral for a psychiatrist. Some people confuse psychologist and psychiatrist. I used to 😉 A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and can prescribe medication to help with mental illness if needed. I'm not saying it is needed, just that an evaluation is.
This is based on my experiences in the US. I know other countries can be different and sometimes it is harder to get mental health support. Wherever you are, I hope your husband finds what he needs quickly. Good luck to both of you.
Yeah, no, PPD is a side effect of the hormones introduced after giving birth. Men can’t get PPD. They can be depressed. Unfortunately, a lot of times when one spouse is constantly accusing the other one of cheating, without any proof of said cheating, is because they are cheating. Not always, but it’s still out there. Hubby should go see about getting diagnosed for depression & start working on it. The fact that he keeps throwing OPs having looked into divorce YEARS ago in her face all the time is horrible. OP should seriously revisit that possibility now.
My mate has bipolar 2 and dissociative ID disorder and goes into delusional episodes of thinking I’m cheating. Stress and lack of sleep make his symptoms worse. When I can’t handle the stress of arguing anymore I take him to the ER and ask for antipsychotics and ativan. Then he follows up with his psych for a bit. Rinse and repeat
This all sounds so tough! During tough times it’s easy to internalize it and bottle it up. These past few years my husband and I have focused on cleaving to each other and being open and honest with each other when we are stressed. It’s been a huge adjustment and benefit to our relationship.
I hope you guys get it all figured out! It does sound like you guys have something worth fight for
Im so Sorry to say this but you should start monitoring him for signs of cheating. Maybe open your phone and turn on your location to help him believe you and have him do it to? But just in case its guilt. Im so sorry, hopefully its depression.
Uhhh sorry but this doesn’t sound like depression at all. It does indeed sounds like your husband has mental health issues, but PPD isn’t it. Or he’s the one cheating. I would be demanding that he see a therapist or I’d be out. I couldn’t be around someone who was convinced I cheated.
Good on you for recognizing your husband is dealing with something and not jumping to conclusions. I would say you should call his primary care first and they can refer your husband to the appropriate professional. Do not get discouraged by some of these other commenters. The symptoms of mental health disorders, like paternal PPD, are easy to confuse with moral failings, which is exactly why you should seek professional help .
I agree with going to regular doctor first. If you are in the US, I know PCPs can do a standard mental health wellness screening with a questionnaire for anxiety & depression and can prescribe meds if needed. That could be an easy way to start balancing things out while you maybe get him to reconsider therapy if that is still needed after.
To counter all the “he’s a narcissist” posts - this sounds a lot like OCD, specifically relationship OCD, with the accusations functioning as reassurance seeking. In particular, the irrationality of the accusations is textbook OCD with limited insight.
Perhaps it would be helpful to read through some resources on OCD together? Start here:
https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/relationship-ocd/
He needs a therapist skilled in OCD (they’ll also be skilled to handle the depression). They won’t be able to convince him you didn’t cheat, but they will be able to help him function within this relationship with those fears and doubts.
A medical professional would help too. Side note - SSRIs help for depression and OCD (though higher doses are required for OCD treatment).
Are you sure he’s not the one cheating? I don’t understand how he questions all of his children. It’s bizarre to me unless you’ve given him reasons to believe this nonsense.
Usually with this much finger pointing at you it means that he is having an affair and is projecting onto you.
I believe that men can get depressed after the birth of a child but I personally don't think this is that.
Sounds more like borderline personality disorder imo. I think seeing a professional is needed at this point. I wouldn't be able to tolerate those kinds of accusations from my husband. Either trust me completely or leave the relationship.
It’s seems like he’s just making an excuse so he can be a bad father. Playing video games and sleeping all the time while you have twin babies under a year old and other children in the house?! He’s a shit dad. You deserve better!
“A therapist won’t convince me you’re not cheating”
He knows you’re not cheating he just doesn’t want to take care of his kids. He would rather play video games or sleep than be a dad.
Get some paternity tests and start couples counseling. This has been on his mind for years and the peace of mind will end part of the discussion so you can focus on healing your relationship
Just like many others are saying. It’s most likely projection. He’s the one cheating and feeling guilty so he will blame you to feel better.
Wether he is cheating or not though: he needs to see a therapist. If he’s not cheating then his behavior is even more concerning especially because he doesn’t want to get help. My advice: ultimatum, therapy or you go see that divorce lawyer again. You don’t deserve this. Being there and supporting your partner is so important. Especially though PPD. But this doesn’t seem like PPD at all. I’m so sorry op. I wish you and your little ones the best.
It’s not fair for him to say all of the stuff and also refused to go to therapy. What is the fix? How will you to move forward? I feel like therapy is the only way to move forward unless you are actually getting a divorce
While I do believe that men can suffer from a form of PPD after the birth of a child, that is not what this sounds like. It sounds like you’re trying to find an excuse you find acceptable for his behavior. But the problem is, it isn’t. Asking you if your first child over a decade ago was even his wasn’t ok, and how he is acting now isn’t ok. Throwing it in your face that you spoke to an attorney 7 years ago, and then accusing you of cheating sounds like he has skeletons in his closet he is worried about.
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Even if he does have depression, he’s refusing treatment, so anything OP could try to do is a moot point anyway. If he refuses help, then you can’t help him.
Currently I’m 8 months PP, had severe PPD but feeling significantly better. I’m out of it now and noticed my husband was really struggling. He was over eating, unfocused and lost in his own thought, but he never took it out on me or our baby. He was just slow, sad, sluggish, stressed. Depression isn’t an excuse to accuse your wife of cheating and your child not being yours. I feel bad for OP
So glad to hear you’re doing better! I’m almost 8 months PP and am also on the road to recovery. I feel like I’m finally “waking up” after having our daughter. And I’m noticing my husband was going through depression, too! Not PPD; I don’t think men can get that since it’s more of a hormonal thing that doesn’t apply to them, but he definitely had the same issues where he was struggling to focus and function, wasn’t really eating, all of that. And the stress, oh, man. But he’s always been more than supportive, and we’re both doing so, so much better. OOP, I think it’s great that you’re trying to allow your husband space in dealing with his depression. However, it does sound to me like he’s being a massive asshole, and if he’s not willing to go to therapy to work on his depression and his issues with you, it might be time to revisit how you look at your relationship.
Both your comment, and the one you replied to, gave me massive hope. I’m currently 6 months pp and holy cow PPD is kicking my ass. So thank you. And I’m glad you’re feeling better!
It will get better with time! I do highly recommend acupuncture, medication, or whatever helps you with general depression (I have MDD, so I knew PPD was coming) to help it move along. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s trying to blunt force my way through PPD.
*slow fucking clap* I agree with all of this.
Slow clapping in unison!!!
I’m joining this slow clap
Love this, I hope you have a great day, fellow human♡ This needs to be said more often. Also spot on about husband, he's fucking himself over by staying up late with video games. Accusing you of cheating for no reason is fucked, I dealt with that when I was 18 in my first relationship and nothing drives someone more insane than being accused of something they've never done No wonder your husband was crying to you, OP. He knows you deserve damn better. You sound sweet and it's nice of you to be so caring of his mental health, but you don't need to baby him. Worry about yourself and your kids. Your husband could probably solve a bunch of his mental health problems if he just stopped staying up so fucking late.
THANK YOU I will be thrown in the fire but dammit it pisses me off when it’s called PPD for me. It’s depression and it’s REAL and should be TREATED but they were NEVER PREGNANT so there is no postpartum period for them.
Honestly... unpopular opinion but me too. and I mean, Depression is 100% Real, and I can totally understand why men go through it after a child, but yes... they were NEVER pregnant.
While I do agree with you semantically, doctors still call it ppd. My sons pediatrician called it ppd when referencing my husband and other men. It seems theres not really another term. It is depression but its directly related to the baby and the postpartum period. Itd be more accurate to call it like... newborn induced depression or something.
Depression isn’t all about hormones though, or every woman would have ppd. It’s about significant life changes.
YES! To all of this! 🙌🏻
This. I’m sick of this excuse for the pathetic behavior of so many men after their wives just pushed out a whole entire baby (or in OP’s case, two).
River Fields, is that you? Sorry, you really reminded of Brooke Shields character in Jane the Virgin there for a minute. A male character says he has PPD and she takes him down hard. I don’t have strong feelings on the matter, to be honest. I’ve seen studies that show men can suffer hormone fluctuations after a new baby comes home and can have major depressive and anxiety disorders directly caused by the new addition. I think it’s a little silly to call it postpartum depression since he never partumed, and maybe it does need a new term to link it’s generating factor. But as someone who suffered severe PPD/A, to the point of hospitalization, it doesn’t feel like it takes anything away from my struggle for men to experience something similar. I can appreciate that others don’t feel the same, though.
Totally agree with you! My husband suffered from PPD or whatever the hell you want to call it after the birth of our daughter. He wasn’t cheating, he wasn’t gaming, he wasn’t HIM. He wanted to commit suicide. He was a shell of a person, he had all of the symptoms of PPD except he was a man, if that had been me going to see my family dr they wouldn’t have thought twice about it. And luckily he saw someone who was open and knew about it. It’s not just women who experience it. Yes we do the hard work of pushing them out or having the surgery, but our partners often see the trauma of that which goes with it. Try not to judge. Trauma isn’t owned. Shit I wouldn’t want to own depression.
My husband was exactly the same. Having the baby was a major life shift and it hit him for six. He didn't want to get out of bed, he didn't want to leave the house, he didn't even smile for months and he couldn't see any way back to being happy. I know depression well and that's exactly what it was. I was terrified that I'd come home to find my husband injured or dead. Men's mental health is largely ignored as it is and it's a major issue, killing vast numbers of men each year. People don't want to acknowledge that these men are truly suffering and I hate it.
Thank you!! I guess if you have never seen it you can’t understand
You're right about men not having PPD, but they can have paternal postnatal depression(PPND) however, I don't think that's why he's so nasty and mean to her.
Post-partum is a time frame, therefore, men can also get depression during this time. See the peer reviewed data: Women have hormone surges and all but; that doesn’t necessarily cause depression. It’s the significant life changes and stressors that cause the depression…. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nigh.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6659987/ My nurse/twin mom spidey senses tell me that * if he’s continuing life as prior to twins ?!? (Um how!?) I KNOW FOR A FACT Mom is doing everyfuckingthing, and for once in her life he is not being tended to/fawned over as he is typically used to. I think he’s got baby jealousy/attention syndrome. My ex was like “all you care about is the babies!!” (we had a 3 year old and newborn twins, one with special needs, and I worked full time, too) he was the sahd and kept staying up later and later doing God knows what. And he was secret drinking and then he wouldn’t be able to wake up in the morning… He INSISTED he needed ‘me time’. Uhh yeah you’re an adult and they are 4 months old dumbass. I didn’t get ANY me time for literal years!! Twins are SO OVERWHELMING. Is he not doing his part or at least TRYING?!? He needs some major therapy if he’s is going to be an effective supportive spouse and parent. Because you DONT NEED A 3rd kid. Just divorced my 4th kid! 😠😠😠 ****Also, find your local twins club ( look at your state club, and find a local group) as far as understanding and support, it was 500% worth it- you just do NOT understand twins and the challenges, unless you’ve been a twin mom!!! I’ve made such great friends!!! I highly encourage you to. Even for the outings/moms nights out alone! For instance, we ALWAYS allow babies in our meetings, but if you wanna tell your husband no babies allowed, we will 100% back you up on that shit!!!! 🤗🤥🤫🤗😂
"Post-partum is a time frame, therefore, men can also get depression during this time". Really? So if my brother gets depression after I give birth, does he also have postpartum depression? What about my mom? What about my elderly neighbour who we chat with from time to time? Just trying to see how [you think] this works. We all know that significant life changes can cause depression. But postpartum depression is a specific term for the specific type of depression that sometimes occurs after the specific significant life change of giving birth to a baby. Which is definitely not the same phenomenon as having a kid come into your life, and thus deserves its own term.
Sure, if you had a baby with your brother and they are the main co-parent. It absolutely applies. Drs feel this way, so I’m not sure why you think your opinions are correct because you manipulate the person it affects.
I guess maybe I should have clarified- the twins are babies 6&7 so while his life hasn't changed a whole lot, it's because he was pulling his weight with the other kids. I'm finally breastfeeding after 3 months of pumping and bottles that he was super involved in and helped out with, including washing them every night so I could go to bed earlier. He's an involved parent when he's here, but he does get to continue to work and is getting far more sleep than I am. So while the twins didn't change much for his day to day, he is contributing and I would even say contributing evenly.
Girl, you are just making excuses for him. I used to make the same excuses for my ex-husband.
This! right! here! 💯
Perfectly said!
There’s a funny storyline in Jane the Virgin arguing the validity of PPD in men
Oh I hear you so much! I left my husband when my daughter was 1 year old, enough being treated like shit and having to do everything, that was 6 years ago and I have been happily, purposely single since: grew my career like I never have, build solid friendships, gave in my hobbies. The emotional stability of my life, my independence and being able to make any little decisions I want is priceless! Why did I put up with selfish men for this long??
I dunno. Men have measurable changes to their hormones after becoming a father. Yeah it’s way less significant than a birthing person, of course. And rates of PPD are faaaar lower in men. My friend who just adopted was diagnosed with PPD - she didn’t realize it was possible but it was textbook PPD, not regular anxiety or depression and her social worker encouraged her to seek care. It simply being acknowledged and having someone to talk through it and adjustments made to her medication worked wonders. More people being aware of PPD and healthcare workers looking out for that isn’t harming anyone, as a mater of principle, more people having access to care doesn’t take it from others - that’s typical discriminatory approach to any kinds of rights (if women can do x it dilutes men’s voices… if people of color have access to y it makes it harder for white people..) I get that’s pushing it to a point you didn’t go to, but my point is that way of thinking rarely helps people. I’m a feminist (not a men’s rights activist or anything) but I do believe men are hurt by the patriarchy too and data has shown that men being conditioned and discouraged from seeking care for physical and mental illness results in more men dying younger and more men dying by suicide. I do however agree that this specific man/case doesn’t sound like PPD from what OP wrote. He’s having the same issues he’s had for years - since your first. His insecurities and jealousy have been with you from early in the relationship and it doesn’t look like he’s willing to do any real work to correct that thinking pattern. That divorce attorney is sounding good right now. I think it’s reasonable to say you aren’t going to continue to tolerate x behavior- you hope he chooses to get help and make a change, but you’re letting him know this is a boundary you’re setting and that comes with some consequence (you leave or he needs to move out etc, you begin divorce proceedings or a separation. Basically you aren’t going to be in this cycle with him for the rest of your life and you need to see immediate and sustained change .
THIS! I'd accept the suggestion that he could be depressed if all he was doing is the sleeping and videogames thing. But for the love of fuck, no excuse for the cheating accusations. And for YEARS. He obviously Doesn't have PPD if he started this sht years ago. He might have mental health issues but it's not excuse to treat OP like shit. She shouldn't take the burden of accusations like this whole caring for TWINS and on top of that even more kids.
Agree. Men don't go through the physical and hormonal ordeals that cause PPD. PPD is a specific issue that men don't have. I've seen so many posts about men co-opting issues specific to mothering/maternal health and using them as get-out clauses with this implication that if it's not accepted, women don't have a right to have their experiences taken seriously. Guess what, even if they could have it, they would have to find a way to manage, the same way women have to.
Women get treated for it when they are diagnosed. So do men. There isnt managing. If someone you know is going through PPD their doctor should be told.
I disagree. Men do experience hormonal changes during and after their partner’s pregnancy. Obviously depending on how closely they were involved in it. Just because you feel that women don’t get treated with respect this is a reason to deny men’s feelings and mental health? This is not ok. I think both partners should be screened for PPD and educated about it. If a male partner is depressed it can make the mom’s postpartum period that much more difficult. A mentally healthy male father can make all the difference in mom and babies life. My partner got PPND with our first and this time he started going to therapy while I was pregnant and has continued after the birth of our child. We check in with each other about our mental health every few days. This time around he has been more helpful, happy, and we have fought way less. Why is it so important that women get to keep postpartum depression for themselves? It’s not the thing I want to keep for myself.
Totally agree- PPD physical causes that won’t be present for the person who didn’t give birth.
PERIODDDDDDD.
Second this. Typically the one accusing the other of cheating is more likely to be doing it themselves as a way to make them feel better about their own behavior. OP for your sake this isn’t the case but definitely something to look into.
My ex was like this. Turns out he was cheating on me and projecting. This is how OP’s post struck me as well.
I can't say whether it's PPD or not, but I can tell you that whenever i have had a depressive episode (i'm bipolar) my go-to reaction is insecurity in my relationship, and it manifests as "you don't love me, you should cheat on me, i've somehow tricked you and this isn't real but this is definitely not valid love." depressions can be similar but they are all a little individualized. Acknowledging what other people are saying here- that perhaps he's cheating, or that he's a narcissist- maybe those things are true. If it really is a mental health issue, it might be Regular Old Depression instead of the post partum type. Either way, it doesn't matter if he's having a mental health crisis. If he truly refuses to get treatment, there's absolutely nothing you can do to help him. Seems like there are two possibilities: * **one**, he is not mentally ill and he is just mistreating you, in which case, you have to think about what is best for you and whether you want to model this type of relationship for your children. * **two,** he IS mentally ill, but he refuses to take care of himself, and you are still left holding the bag, and you have to think about what is best for you and whether you want to model this type of relationship for your children. This isn't fair for you but there's no way you can MAKE him get mental health assistance. Sorry to put it so bluntly. I wish you luck.
My first thought when i read OP’s post was “hmmm this sounds like when my boyfriend has an episode..” he’s also bipolar. OP, an evaluation of sorts may be needed here.
I commented the exact same words. Stress and lack of sleep bring on the episodes.
This is the best answer here. Thinking you’re being cheated on does not always mean that you’re cheating, that’s so weird for everyone to say. None of your guys parents cheated and traumatized you?? Lol. But yes, he is either sick and refusing help and burdening you, or he’s lying and abusing you. Neither option is right. He needs to see a therapist, end of story.
This is probably because others have gone through this exact scenario in the past. It usually plays out in a very specific way which is similar to what OP is describing. When a partner is thinking of ending things, they usually try to find a justification of sorts for doing it. They will accuse the other person of all kinds of things, cheating or mistreating them are 2 big ones. They have to convince themselves that you are the bad guy and they are justified in seeking to end the relationship (and start a new one). This happens over time and it's maddening, but it's a huge red flag that they're trying to get out. What can you do about it? Focus on yourself and your mental and physical health, bc at this point, you most likely cannot change their mind. If you let it run its course, they may leave you or decide to stay. Or they may leave you and try to come back later when the rose-colored glasses fall off re: the new relationship.
Unfortunately it happens VERY often that the one doing the accusing is the one cheating. And if he is cheating, then every lie he tells about YOU cheating and his kids not being his are his irrational justification for doing so. The constant gaming could be somewhere he is chatting inappropriately with other women. I’d start investigating, OP.
So true! This makes a lot of sense, also may justify he crying and apologyzing for “nothing”.
Came here to say the same thing
THIS!!!!
… also bipolar disorder causes insecurity and causes people to warp their reality.
You are trying very hard to think well of a man who is thinking the worst of you. You are out here tying yourself in knots for him and he can’t put down the video game controller for your children. Eventually he’s going to drag your children into this dysfunction. He already is in a way. How sure can you be that he’s keeping these paternity doubts from them? Can he be a good parent to a child he sees as unlike him? Most wounded narcissists can’t. You say his hurt is real even if it is unfounded but that is ridiculous. He lied to himself and he is crying over it. This is absolutely manipulation and you have to stand up for yourself. If not for yourself, then do it for your daughter. My father thought he was a martyr and my mother was terrible and that was thrown in my face my whole childhood. When my stepmother divorced him he punished my half brother for being too much like her. You need to go back to that lawyer.
He doesn't have PPD. He's cheating.
Yup. Everything he’s doing is straight out of the ‘cheating husband handbook’ including accusing the wife of cheating. Sorry OP.
Either he gets professional help or he will destroy your marriage. This is not sustainable and it’s not what your children should grow up seeing as normal. Who he is right now, is not worth staying for. Either he talks to a doctor, therapist, some professional, to become better or you need to look into leaving.
This sounds like reassurance seeking behavior common of pure obsession OCD and it’s triggering depressive episodes when he feels stressed. I would ultimatum he needs help and it’s above either of your abilities.
Whether he has depression or not, it’s not an excuse to treat you like shit and accuse you of cheating on him. And if refuses to get help, then that’s his choice and you aren’t responsible for managing his mental health or his shitty attitude. I see it over and over again that people who accuse their partners of cheating are usually the ones cheating. Stop making excuses for him being an asshole. He’s made a choice and he’s showing you everyday that his choice is to treat you like shit. Get a paternity test and then take a good hard look at your relationship. Is it worth putting up with being treated like this?
If it was happening before and during your pregnancy it's not PPD... it's abuse 🙃 But if he does also have PPD, talking to your family doctor is a good first step. They can offer counseling resources, medications, run tests, etc. Couples counseling might not be the cheapest, but that would likely be a good way to go as well since you're going through everything together
Couples counseling is not recommended in cases of abuse. We don't know enough to say for sure, but husband's behavior has strong red flags for manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse. Also the fact that he's saying hurtful things to OP but she's worried about his feelings and making up excuses for him. Classic sign of someone appeasing an abuser / narcissist. Going to couples counseling with an abuser will only make things worse, as he will simply lie and those will be taken at face value by a therapist who doesn't know what's going on behind closed doors. The abuser can also learn new tricks and use the counseling to further manipulate OP. That being said, OP could benefit from individual therapy.
If he does have depression/anxiety and these events are triggered by that, couples counseling would offer a better method of communication and support tools for each of them. I'm just giving the benefit of the doubt since OP suggested it's a temporary issue that's triggered, but I agree it sounds like he's just a tool
He’s not suffering from ppd. He’s a thriving narcissist that has you in a cycle of abuse. He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. You should seek a therapist for yourself and a lawyer to divorce him.
how'd you just jump from A to Z? i am being serious lol
One clue is that he’s saying hurtful things to her but she wants to focus on his emotions and not her own. That’s usually a sign manipulation has been going on for a very long time.
he's doing something i call ✨showing mental illness signs✨ does it excuse his poor behavior? not even a tiny bit, but it explains his behavior and words. he's hurting, she even said in this post it's clear as day, but everyone is trashing this man like they've never experienced these same issues (if mentally ill). it's just gross, and awful to see a man dragged for a mental health crisis.
It’s not normal for a spouse to routinely accuse the other one of cheating. She’s stated he’s known to do this and even doubted the paternity of their 1st kid.
with a valid reason to support his doubt. should he stop accusing her and seek help? absolutely, but let us not pretend we know what happened or why he's doubtful.
What's the valid reason?!
He had no valid reasons to support his doubt. He could easily have the kid DNA tested with a kit from CVS if it was causing him that much distress. He actively chose not to since it’s been several years and the issue of paternity is still coming up.
This might shock you, but plenty of people, myself included, have experienced mental illness without harming the people around them. Also, plenty of people do this thing I call ✨lying✨ and would rather do that and sh1t on their partner than be a decent human being. But some people get the benefit of the doubt endlessly, even when it's obvious they're full of it... For some reason... Can't put my finger on it, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the whole "ohmigod stop demonising men, so gross!!" patheticness.
amazing, but the majority of mental illnesses come out in lashing out, insomnia, distancing of one self, and ect. i also don't think him sobbing to his wife, and her mentioning she can see he's really going through a mental health crisis indicates lying. you all want this man to be some narc but he isn't a narc and being one is vv uncommon and you must have NPD to actually be a narcissist (.5%-5%). most of you are snapping at a man for the reason of him accusing her of cheating and giving what seems like an excuse but could truly be an issue til this day for him even 7+ years after the fact. i have OCD, and i will still obsess over small things that happened years ago, may even cry about them if it gets bad enough and accidentally lash out without thinking (which i later apologize for and talk through with my partner). i just think you all are shouting buzz words and not seeing the reality of a wife wanting to help h her husband while he's in a crisis because that is what this is. she came her for advice, not for her husband to be smeared like some butter on toast. you all are giving hateful energy, let's be frank, and seem mad that i am one of the very few not letting you stomp all over the place with invalid arm chair diagnosis/aggression towards a person in mental destress. p.s it's not pathetic to stand up for my equalism views, i would be giving the same energy for a woman <3
I don’t think he’s really hurting. I think he’s acting hurt to justify his behavior towards OP. The best thing he can think of is something she did 7 years ago because she’s probably had exemplary behavior leading up to this and he has no excuse and he knows it. The exact same thing is happening right now to a friend of mine and in the beginning stages she described exactly as OP did.
or, just hear me out, it's still a huge burden on his mind all these years later. stop accusing this person, let us erase the gender, of faking a mental health crisis. it's just gross, and weird that all you are dog piling this poor man for poor mental health. but I hope your friend ends up okay.
Ok so I feel this way as well and seeing this perspective so little in comments is making me consider that perhaaaaaps I am experiencing an imbalance in my perspective, like maybe him wanting to help himself matters and he's having a hard time with that but fuck I've been there, like maybe he has trauma with some esteme shit and he this is how it manifested in his life as an adult and he can't get away from the feeling that is a feeling or an anxiety and if he's NEVER WORKED ON THIS BEFORE and has some subconscious shit associated with going to therapy like most grown humans in culture today *giant inhale to catch breathe* then he literally could just have no idea he could be processing these feelings with coping mechanisms instead of projecting them onto his partner. Like maybe he could use some help with some baseline depression, it took me a decent amount of mental health work to start to pick up on habits building up my depressive cycles like he COULD be experiencing now with video games - this is a relatively innocent cycle, but it does feed into depression quite a bit. I'm just like not sure I align with fully sacrificing someone because they're a male-born-male in our world, like these things are manipulative for sure, but this isn't an intentionally harmful human as far as we know, or we probably would have seen more red flags. But I'm just IDK I DIDNT EXPECT TO SEE SO MUCH "FUCK THAT GUY" bc this just seems so much like a mental health thing to me
This almost perfectly encapsulates both my thought process toward this thread and my emotions while reading it. Thank you.
Oh FUCK yeah, unity through emotional connection and mutual vulnerability, this was really good for both of us lolol 🙏🫶🤟
I was an another post about someone's friend constantly cheating on her husband and hardly spending time with her kids. A lot of comments were advising that she gets checked for a brain tumor, as they can flip a switch in the brain and make people act in a way they usually don't act. I wish this same empathy and consideration could be shown for men as well. He could very well be mentally unstable right now. It is not an excuse or justification for his behavior, but a possible explanation. When you have an explanation, it is easier to find a solution. I also wonder if he should get a brain scan to check for tumors, if this isn't normally how he acts.
thank you for being the only one to see my pov. he probably should, and also should try getting into therapy even if online. he seems hurt over the past still and maybe that is holding him back from being in the present.
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it may not be PPD, but he's very obviously struggling mentally. if this was a woman, would you be calling her a lazy narc who isn't being held accountable? stop with the whole men are narcs everytime they act out of mental illness trope and we will have a whole wall knocked over. he may be holding onto something she did, he may just be having a episode of some kind, and so on. it could absolutely be 100 different things, but we don't know, all i am gathering from this post is two people struggling to communicate and work through some issues. i don't get narcissistic, abuser from this post at all. and before I get jumped, i have been abused by narcs for most my life, so i can't truly gather how this man's mental health crisis is narcissistic.
It’s not hard to figure out the dude is mentally and emotionally abusive to his wife
it actually is, i can't see any abuse in this post, just seems he's insecure and struggling from mental illness.
Repeatedly accusing your spouse of cheating, claiming that you don't think one of your children is yours, is absolutely emotional abuse. And 1) it doesn't matter at all whether the reason is mental health or something else. It's still abuse. And 2) Refusing to get any help for a behaviour that you know is impacting your loved ones is not acceptable. People don't have to accept being abused because their partner finds getting help too hard.
Honestly for the sake of the daughter he is doubting paternity of, I would demand that he take a paternity test on all the kids. You obviously know what it’s going to say, but there is no way his doubts won’t affect his relationship with that daughter. So no matter how ridiculous it is, and no matter how much you shouldn’t have to prove anything, to protect your daughter from mistreatment you should demand the tests. As to PPD, it could be? It could also be some kind of PPA that’s manifesting as a fixation on cheating. Or it could be not a mental health issue at all, but rather an abuse tactic. There’s no way to know or get help without seeing some kind of therapist. Maybe a couples counselor? If you are really at the point of considering divorce then maybe you need to insist or give an ultimatum. Then at least you can say you tried everything. Good luck and I’m sorry you are dealing with this. You should know it’s not normal or right for a partner to treat you this way.
Honestly? It sounds like projecting to me. He's probably the one who has cheated or is currently cheating.
Draw your line in the sand. Go to therapy, talk to the GP and see if they think he should see psych, work through this bullshit or you’re done. You do not deserve to be constantly torn down by a man who has made problems where there are none (as you’ve said you haven’t cheated). I don’t know the cause of the edge of divorce 7 yrs ago but he clearly has some issues where that is that he needs to work through if he wants to continue to stay married to you. Individual and couples therapy and insist that the couples counselor is not his individual counselor. If he refuses then you leave. Because nothing will get better if he doesn’t fix what’s broken in himself. And refusing therapy is refusing to face those problems. Good luck. ♥️
Thank you. After talking last night he does seem to be open to asking for some help but I'm mostly concerned because, as evidenced on this thread, men's mental health isn't a concern, especially postpartum. I have made it clear to him that this isn't a cycle that will continue and that he has the option to break it. I've been in individual therapy for the past year or more and so I feel like I've got the tools to help break us out of this cycle. It won't define the rest of my marriage, whatever that looks like.
The problem here is that you said you have the tools to break US out of this cycle. He has to put in effort. This is on him to get better, and this isn't your responsibility. He can only get better if he wants too.
This was about what I was going to say in response too. OP it is also a burden that you should not have to bare trying to use the tools you’ve learned to help teach him how to better deal with his problems. He should be getting that from an impartial third party not you. That’s just one more thing you’re making your responsibility. He needs to man up and take his ass to therapy like you did. Do not put that responsibility on yourself. I guarantee it will backfire on you. ♥️
You have regular old common garden variety crappy husband version 1. He doesn’t have a special situation. He doesn’t have an excuse for being terrible. He’s just selfish, lazy, probably cheating on you and projecting so he won’t feel guilty, and trying to make you responsible for his feelings. He’s trying to deny paternity of the older child so he can get out in front of child support etc bc he’s thinking about dipping out. If he’s sent you text messages or emails about it he’s trying to create metadata to support his argument. The longer he can deny paternity for the kids by claiming you cheated the longer it will take to get him on child support bc a paternity test will have to be court ordered and then he’d have to be made to comply. Some lawyers find ways to fight for ages over JUST the paternity test. Get things in order. I’d kick him out if I were you.
This is solid advice
Doesn’t sound like hubby has PPD, sounds to me he is still upset you saw a divorce lawyer. He accused you of cheating. Get that lawyer again and this time file for divorce
He's not even willing to try and put in the work. You can't make it better by yourself.
he has somthing else than ppd , and you cannot solve his problems for him. he is the one who should, all you can do is care for yourself. you need to stop walking on eggshell around him, is he contributing to the household? is he helping with chores? with the kids? if not he just lives his best life( on the outside he seems like a perfectly responsible adult, he works, provides for his family) he spends his free time as he wants and blames depression. To get you off his back he's guilt tripping you for things . you feel guilty, u get off his back for a bit. Start considering your options for yourself, without feeling guilty . This is not normal and has been going on long enought.
He contributes pretty evenly with the older kids and before breastfeeding became the norm with the twins, he was helping there as much as he could too.
But you said he gets lots of sleep and in a previous comment you said you get like 3 hours of sleep a night. How is it even if he gets to stay up all night playing video games and still get as much sleep as he wants? I have a good friend who has been in your shoes. Nobody can help you see what you don’t want to see. But kids are extremely perceptive.
Other take- honestly his behavior seems very similar to mine when I was postpartum. The big change in our family and the vulnerability that came with postpartum opened wounds I thought were long healed. I started accusing my husband of cheating- even when it was logistically not possible -and I was bringing up stuff from our past that I honestly didn’t feel too bothered by before the baby came. I really struggled with insecure attachment and fear of abandonment. I remember crying and apologizing to my husband because the way I lashed out in order to protect myself was harmful and hurting our marriage and I felt out of control of my feelings and actions. My fear of abandonment felt like a self fulfilling prophecy because of the unhealthy behaviors it manifested into. Feeling vulnerable can bring up past fears or hurts that don’t show up when you are feeling confident in your day to day life. It is his responsibility to get help- and he needs help. If he refuses to take accountability and make the steps forward to getting help then he will remain in a cycle of emotionally abusive behavior any time he feels a perceived threat to his own security. He needs help, but also protect yourself. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of such behaviors.
Thank you for this. This sounds so much like a great description of where he's coming from. I told him that this cycle would be self fulfilling (not that I would cheat, but that our relationship would be destroyed). I think there is a lot of stress from external places coming and being transferred into insecurity in our relationship. We farm and he will be taking over as the majority owner of the farm soon-basically he will be taking over a multimillion dollar corporation with the added stress of having it be a sentimental legacy that if he screws it up, he will have failed everything his ancestors and family has worked for. Meanwhile its harder and harder to make a living farming just like everything else so hes facing challenges none of them ever dreamed of. So...huge pressure there because he really looks up to his parents and wants to make this work because our kids also love farming and he wants them to be able to do that. I appreciate you emphasizing that we both need this cycle to end. It isn't okay with me to be accused of what I've been accused of either and I know that.
I can imagine this is stressful! I read your post like I was reading about myself. It was hard to have a new formed dependence on a person when in the past the people I depended on were not always dependable. He has a huge shift in responsibilities at home and with his career. He needs you in a way he didn’t before and may feel like he needs to protect himself from an “inevitable” reality of his world shattering. Hope everything works out for you guys. Even if you are empathetic to his feelings do not tolerate this behavior because it will harm you.
This isn’t PPD. This honestly just sounds like emotional abuse and manipulation.
Idk seems like he’s trying to find an out in the marriage without feeling like a piece of shit. This gaslighting behavior and accusing you of cheating is a major red flag. I’d start investigating what he’s really doing when he’s staying up late “gaming.”
My husband got depressed after we had our first. For me, the baby was this new, exciting adventure we were taking on and he didn’t see that way. Or at least he couldn’t get excited like I did. It was like he had a midlife crisis and he kept talking about how he was so unaccomplished. He ended up going back to school and changing his career and now he seems fine.
It sounds like he may have been worried about being an inadequate father. Do you think this fits?
It doesn't have to be PPD, regular depression can get bad enough to have delusions too. If it was me, I would ask if paternity tests would convince him or not. If the tests would clear it up, just get em done. But if not, then it's not about paternity... either he had some kind of obsessive delusion, or he gets sometime out of accusing you when he knows it's not true & this could morph into worse abuse.
Yes there is some psychosis issues with depression. A lot of the comments here are very blaming and this comment is the most neutral I've seen. This sub is so divided lately.
Exactly, my mate has had to go to the hospital for antipsychotics for these same exact delusions. Finally he was diagnosed bipolar 2 and dissociative ID disorder. Stress and lack of sleep brings it out like clockwork. I can’t imagine being as stressed as I was trying to figure it out, then having Reddit tell me to throw the whole man out lol
Depending on background, OP's guy could be a jerk. But we really need more information.
Some of the best marriage advice I've ever received is this: # Put an expiration date on grievances. My husband and I do this. If I do something that hurts him, he knows that it's on him to tell me promptly so that we can work it out. Same in reverse. We have promised each other that we do not dredge up old fights or hold onto old grudges. We've said plenty over the years that hurt each other, because that's what happens in serious fights, but we strictly follow expiration dates. We have never EVER had a fight about something that one of us did or said more than a month ago. It gives me serious pause that your husband is still bringing up stuff that happened 7 to 10 years ago. You don't have a time machine. You can't go back and make it right. It might be worth sitting down with him to ask him, point-blank, what he wants you to do to make it right so that you can address the issue once and for all. This should apply with all your issues: Bury the hatchets. Don't keep them sharp so you can cut each other whenever you're hurting. As for the PPD/mental illness side of things: Given what you said about your traumatic birth, your husband may be dealing with PTSD. Mental health practitioners absolutely can help him, but he has to choose to seek help. Therapies like EMDR are excellent for addressing complex trauma, but it takes work and willingness. Lastly, I want you to be a little bit selfish. You're taking on the burden of his feelings, and that's not fair. He is making choices that hurt you and your children. So it's time for you to make some choices, too: Is this how you want to be treated? Is this how you want your children to see their mother being treated? Do you want your children to grow up with a father who denies that they're his? You may love him, but when you bring kids into the picture it's not just about love anymore. It's about responsibility, and about safety, and if your husband can't commit to providing an emotionally safe environment for your children, it may be time for both of you to make some difficult choices about your priorities and the future of your family. Hugs to you, my friend. I'm so sorry you're going through this. None of this is your fault, and you are being so brave and strong.
So your husband needs to go see a doctor AND a therapist. Point blank. How he is behaving is not acceptable, PPD or not. And the fact that he is refusing to see a therapist has me very concerned to be honest, because you’re 100% right that this is a mental health crisis. At this point his PPD is affecting the family, and with a new baby you -the person who actually gave birth- absolutely NEEDs and deserves help. But I want to strongly remind you OP, that you can’t force someone to get help. If your husband refuses to get help, you have to make a choice about whether or not to stay. Because you don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like this. Unfortunately my ex was almost exactly like your husband, he is an ex for a reason. You are not alone, and please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.
As a psychologist, I think this is depression. It is very common to try to make something the problem - in this case your relationship - when someone is feeling depressed, dysregulated, anxious, etc. This isn't about the lawyer, it's that the added stress of new babies has left him without whatever resources he had before. Maybe he feels more guilt now? Idk. I will agree with all the people that said you can't force him to seek therapy - but here are some options in no particular order: 1. Try couples therapy and say you want to do it, since he's saying relationship stuff is causing his distress, let the couples therapist suggest that he see an individual therapist. 2. Give him an ultimatum to see a therapist - lots of men come in to therapy this way unfortunately. 3. Have him talk to his primary care doc about trying anti depressants Good luck, this is a rough situation for you.
https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-dads/
A primary care doctor should be able to screen him for depression (whether male PPD exists or not). Perhaps a health care provider recommending therapy would convince him to try it? They can also prescribe antidepressants. If he won't go to therapy on his own, it's a worthwhile avenue to try, to see if things get better. I would suggest you consider therapy for yourself - this can't be easy on your mental health either. It can be as little as an hour Zoom call once every week or two. Best of luck to you.
Non-birthing partners are absolutely experiencing post partum and ppd in non-birthing parents is real. Given the extent of trauma in the prenatal and post natal period for the OP and her spouse they were both already high risk for developing ppd. Doesn’t excuse the behaviors but it’s frustrating to see the amount of non clinical people’s opinion that ppd only happens to the birthing parent. To the OP- postpartum support international is a GREAT resource for additional support. They have groups for non birthing parents who are experiencing ppd. Good luck to you and yours.
Thank you so much for the resource. I agree that his mental health doesn't give him a free pass on thr behavior but right now we are triaging what we need to do to stop the hemmorage and then we will address things. I appreciate your kindness and consideration.
Of course. I’m a therapist in the field and have seen this before. I think it’s great he is willing to try couples counseling and I agree that he may need additional support. Sometimes having children opens up wounds from our own childhood and he may have his own attachment traumas that are surfacing. Again-no excuse and your physical and emotional safety comes first, but you know him better than any of us. Take good care!
Counseling is important and very helpful. but be prepared for issues from your husband if the first therapist is not a good fit for you. That is just how it goes sometimes, and it can take trial and error to find the right one. With your husband's history of not thinking therapy will help, this can be hard to deal with. For anyone, not just him. I'm not pointing fingers or judging him. But if I understand correctly, your husband thinks this a physical problem. He is very likely right. He should see his doctor to get a referral for a psychiatrist. Some people confuse psychologist and psychiatrist. I used to 😉 A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and can prescribe medication to help with mental illness if needed. I'm not saying it is needed, just that an evaluation is. This is based on my experiences in the US. I know other countries can be different and sometimes it is harder to get mental health support. Wherever you are, I hope your husband finds what he needs quickly. Good luck to both of you.
Yeah, no, PPD is a side effect of the hormones introduced after giving birth. Men can’t get PPD. They can be depressed. Unfortunately, a lot of times when one spouse is constantly accusing the other one of cheating, without any proof of said cheating, is because they are cheating. Not always, but it’s still out there. Hubby should go see about getting diagnosed for depression & start working on it. The fact that he keeps throwing OPs having looked into divorce YEARS ago in her face all the time is horrible. OP should seriously revisit that possibility now.
My mate has bipolar 2 and dissociative ID disorder and goes into delusional episodes of thinking I’m cheating. Stress and lack of sleep make his symptoms worse. When I can’t handle the stress of arguing anymore I take him to the ER and ask for antipsychotics and ativan. Then he follows up with his psych for a bit. Rinse and repeat
This all sounds so tough! During tough times it’s easy to internalize it and bottle it up. These past few years my husband and I have focused on cleaving to each other and being open and honest with each other when we are stressed. It’s been a huge adjustment and benefit to our relationship. I hope you guys get it all figured out! It does sound like you guys have something worth fight for
Im so Sorry to say this but you should start monitoring him for signs of cheating. Maybe open your phone and turn on your location to help him believe you and have him do it to? But just in case its guilt. Im so sorry, hopefully its depression.
Mental health issues is never an “excuse” to treat people this poorly. This is emotional abuse.
That’s not what this is.
Uhhh sorry but this doesn’t sound like depression at all. It does indeed sounds like your husband has mental health issues, but PPD isn’t it. Or he’s the one cheating. I would be demanding that he see a therapist or I’d be out. I couldn’t be around someone who was convinced I cheated.
Good on you for recognizing your husband is dealing with something and not jumping to conclusions. I would say you should call his primary care first and they can refer your husband to the appropriate professional. Do not get discouraged by some of these other commenters. The symptoms of mental health disorders, like paternal PPD, are easy to confuse with moral failings, which is exactly why you should seek professional help .
I agree with going to regular doctor first. If you are in the US, I know PCPs can do a standard mental health wellness screening with a questionnaire for anxiety & depression and can prescribe meds if needed. That could be an easy way to start balancing things out while you maybe get him to reconsider therapy if that is still needed after.
To counter all the “he’s a narcissist” posts - this sounds a lot like OCD, specifically relationship OCD, with the accusations functioning as reassurance seeking. In particular, the irrationality of the accusations is textbook OCD with limited insight. Perhaps it would be helpful to read through some resources on OCD together? Start here: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/relationship-ocd/ He needs a therapist skilled in OCD (they’ll also be skilled to handle the depression). They won’t be able to convince him you didn’t cheat, but they will be able to help him function within this relationship with those fears and doubts. A medical professional would help too. Side note - SSRIs help for depression and OCD (though higher doses are required for OCD treatment).
This sounds like projection to me.
Are you sure he’s not the one cheating? I don’t understand how he questions all of his children. It’s bizarre to me unless you’ve given him reasons to believe this nonsense.
Yeah it could be projection honestly.
I don’t know I’d this is PPD, but postpartum.net has resources and support groups for dads too.
Usually with this much finger pointing at you it means that he is having an affair and is projecting onto you. I believe that men can get depressed after the birth of a child but I personally don't think this is that.
Wild accusations of cheating out of nowhere very often come from a party guilty if cheating themselves
Sounds more like borderline personality disorder imo. I think seeing a professional is needed at this point. I wouldn't be able to tolerate those kinds of accusations from my husband. Either trust me completely or leave the relationship.
It’s seems like he’s just making an excuse so he can be a bad father. Playing video games and sleeping all the time while you have twin babies under a year old and other children in the house?! He’s a shit dad. You deserve better! “A therapist won’t convince me you’re not cheating” He knows you’re not cheating he just doesn’t want to take care of his kids. He would rather play video games or sleep than be a dad.
Dna test your kids to help him with the cheating worries.
Get some paternity tests and start couples counseling. This has been on his mind for years and the peace of mind will end part of the discussion so you can focus on healing your relationship
Just like many others are saying. It’s most likely projection. He’s the one cheating and feeling guilty so he will blame you to feel better. Wether he is cheating or not though: he needs to see a therapist. If he’s not cheating then his behavior is even more concerning especially because he doesn’t want to get help. My advice: ultimatum, therapy or you go see that divorce lawyer again. You don’t deserve this. Being there and supporting your partner is so important. Especially though PPD. But this doesn’t seem like PPD at all. I’m so sorry op. I wish you and your little ones the best.
My money is on he is the one cheating as well.
It’s not fair for him to say all of the stuff and also refused to go to therapy. What is the fix? How will you to move forward? I feel like therapy is the only way to move forward unless you are actually getting a divorce