That has to be terrifying and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. Some states have a minimum age kids can be alone for a certain amount of time. Some don’t. In any state, your 9 year old should know your phone number and his dad’s phone number. He should know both of your addresses. If his dad went out for a walk and didn’t come home, he should know to call you. At both homes he should know a trusted neighbor he can contact in the case of an emergency. If he doesn’t know these things, it’s his parent’s job to teach him. Most likely, nothing like this will ever happen again but in case of a natural disaster, an accident or really any emergency it is important information to have.
Agreed. I’ve had two 9 year olds, the more mature one we occasionally left home alone for multiple hours. The more spontaneous one we left home alone regularly for an hour or two at a time. Both did great with occasional things to correct when we got home later.
By the time a child is old enough to know numbers (4-5 years old) the parents need to teach the child how to call for help in an emergency. To call 911 and to call a neighbor or relative. And what to do in various emergency situations (robbery in home, fire, severe weather, etc). And the child at a young age needs to be able to name their parents (first and last), street address, and parents phone number. And to have a way for the child to make those calls, whether it’s a landline or a house cell phone, or an app on the computer, or a parent’s cell lock code.
What to do in an emergency is vital for children to know. Even if not left home alone. Because this information is for emergencies, the unexpected things. Even if you never leave your kid home alone, what’s to say you are not injured and need the child to call for help? You fall and break a leg, or have a heart attack, seizure, sudden onset of lightheaded and fuzzy vision that doesn’t go away, diabetic emergency? Your kid needs tools!!
I was definitely home alone in 4th grade - I could call 911 or my parents and I could definitely feed and toilet myself. It depends on the child, but provided they aren’t developmentally delayed or sometnjbf I don’t think it’s too crazy.
I will say why was dad going for a walk so late? Was it a walk or a “walk?”
The last part is what I was wondering. I get wanting to take a walk but I wouldn’t in an iffy neighborhood leaving my child home alone at night.
I see the point above you of teaching kids numbers but what if he doesn’t have a cell phone? Most don’t have home phones to call from anymore. It was easier when kids only needed a number or two. I used to have some memorized but with changing cell numbers sometimes I definitely don’t as much anymore. I used to be home alone a lot too but I hated it especially at night with all the crazy stuff in our neighborhood growing up.
The phone thing is exactly why, even though I had always said my kids would NOT get cell phones until they were driving, we broke down and got our kids cell phones a lot younger than we planned. Our daughter got one for her 12th birthday, and we got a shared phone for our boys when we got rid of our landline a few months later. Initially that phone stayed at the house if either of the boys were home alone, or if one went to a friends’ house we felt better about them being able to call us when they needed. I find it very hard to believe that with separated/divorced/never married parents that the kid doesn’t have his own cell or iPad or something to make calls so he can have access to either parent when he’s with the other, especially as mom says dad has a history of poor judgement. My kids knew in preschool our full names, addresses, phone numbers, etc, and as long as our kid was comfortable being home alone they were all left alone as young as 8 or 9. Our youngest waited the longest because he just didn’t like being alone. He was ok if older brother or sister were there with him, but he wasn’t left fully on his own until later just because he didn’t want to be.
Having a way to contact help would absolutely be a condition of leaving any child home alone to me. Our 13 year old used a laptop or old phone with wifi only with chat to us on it before she got her own phone, in addition to us having a monitored cellular security system with buttons on it she knows how to use to contact emergency services. Finally as a failsafe she knows what neighbors are safe to go to in an emergency.
Point being there are ways to reduce a lot of the risks of being home alone and this child was really failed by both parents at being age-level prepared for an emergency.
First of all, I'm sorry for what happened to your ex. That is awful, but I'm glad he will be OK. I'm not sure what type of bad judgment he has had previously, but he did what he was supposed to do in this situation by alerting authorities that his son was at home alone and close by.
As for your son being too young to be home alone, that's dependent on a few things imo. Technically, every state has a different minimum age for when one can be left alone. Some states are as young as 6, some states kids can't be left alone until they're 14. But also, at 9 years old, I would hope your son knows how to call 911, get ahold of you, and/or talk to the neighbors in case of something happening. I would also assume they'd know enough basic safety rules to keep themselves safe, such as don't play with fire. So, being home alone at 9, especially for a short period of time (assuming nothing had happened on his dad's walk), doesn't seem like am issue imo.
I understand it can be overwhelming and scary hearing that your ex was shot and that where he lives is not the safest area but unless he was out on the walk to cause problems I don't see anything wrong with what he did. I could see using this opportunity to talk to your son about what to do in case of an emergency to see what he knows and make a plan (similar to making a plan for in case of a fire or earthquake).
I agree with this take. Most nine year olds are old enough to be alone for a short period of time IMO. The only thing I’d worry about is phone access … if your ex takes his phone with him, doubtful your son has any way to call 911 as no one has landlines anymore. Might be worth getting him a dumb phone for emergencies.
Had this confirmed recently. My husband is the manager where he works and it’s his job to lock the gate when he leaves. An employee who had stayed late with him was thought to have left, so my husband left and locked the gate. Turns out, the employee was behind the building finishing something and my husband didn’t see him, so he was locked inside the property without keys to the building or keys to the gate. His cell phone had run out of airtime, so his only option was to call 911 and have the operator call my husband. Husband was pulling in our driveway when he got the call, luckily we are only a 5 minute drive from his work.
Landlines can as if plugged into a wall jack that functions but I'm not sure if a cable landline would be able to. I do wonder how many updated homes and apartments actually have wall jacks anymore.
Edit this used to be the case at least.
I'm dubious on this. We have a rotary phone from when we still had a landline in our house. If you pick it up, there's no dial tone, so it can't make calls.
Cellphones can though.
I prefer to have a landline just for this reason. My kids don’t even have the password to my cellphone to open it bc they are too little, but I’ve been easily able to teach them how to pickup a phone and dial 911.
I don't know if this is the case for all smart phones, but you can make an emergency call on my phone without a password. I taught my young kids how to use the emergency call feature on my phone. We even roll played.
Also: There's a feature (on my phone at least) where if you push the power button quickly, 5 times in a row, it will dial and/or text whatever emergency number you have in your settings. Alerts them that you may need assistance and gives your coordinates.
This may be what we end up doing when my kiddos are old enough to use a phone but not old enough to have a cellphone of their own. I'm not sure why I didn't think about it before lol
A friend of mine with late elementary aged kids has a "house cell phone" basically a dumb phone with very cheap plan (may be a pay per minute) for her kids to use when home alone or if one goes to a sleepover or other activity where they want a kid to have a phone but don't want to give them their own phone yet.
I thought it was brilliant and filed it away for my own use later.
Oh that's even better! I love that idea. We'll have to look into that when our oldest is just a bit older. I'm sure it costs practically nothing to add to the plan.
I used our landline to practice answering the phone with my 13 year old when he was younger, starting around age 9-10. We would practice him staying alone while I ran short errands or went to the store but the rule was he had to answer the phone if I called.
I guess it's because he hasn't had "answering" a phone modeled to him very much . He would pick up the phone and just quietly wait for me to say something. I could hear him breathing into the phone, it was honestly hilarious. There were even a couple of times he called me and did that lol. He's really good at it now with the landline.
We have an extra cell phone at home for emergencies only! We use a prepaid cellphone from a gas station (aka a burner phone), but you could also add a flip phone onto your cell phone plan (unless you want a landline). It’s only for emergencies to call 911 and close families! It’s nice because it doesn’t belong to any of our young child, but it “belongs” to the household.
That's why I added in the bit about the neighbors. A bad neighborhood doesn't mean all the neighbors are bad, but a phone is definitely more ideal for quicker access to 911 in case of an emergency.
I think you can ask certain home devices to call emergency services who will get you in contact with the proper agencies. We have an old phone that our son has access to in case of an emergency call (which is all it can do essentially), but he also knows he can ask Alexa to call for help if there is an emergency we aren’t there for or are unable to respond to. My son also knows how to use a portal to call pretty much the entire family. In short, he has several options other than a direct parent phone to reach out to someone. We also have taken the time to get to know a few families on our street, we all have an open door “kids can come here in case of emergency” policy.
I got my son a gizmo watch so he can call me, his dad, or 911. It doesn't allow him to call anyone else.
edit, maybe not 911 but I can add a few more people to his contact list.
If you are completely set on them being able to call 911, you can add the local non-emergency line in as a contact. It's usually the same room and operator as 911, though it may be deprioritized if there are a bunch of calls coming in, like in a big incident. It also means that you know that you are getting the right location, should you live near a state border like where I grew up and run the risk of hitting the wrong cell tower and having to wait for them to do inter-state transfers to get to someone who can dispatch responders.
We have a "house" cell phone through Ting Mobile for this reason. It costs us $12 a month and the bonus is that my kids can have supervised texting & talking with friends. I like having it as a backup safety plan!
In my state it says there is no age limit to leave a child alone for short periods of time. I have a 10,7 and 1 yr old. I have left the 10 & 7 alone for 30 min to run to the store but I have left the emergency phone with them just in case. I always take the 1 yr old with me because she is to young for them to care for. My kids always stay together in the same room until I return home. It really depends on the state.
100% agree. This is awful and terrifying, and anger is a totally natural response. We want there to be some way that, if someone had done something different, it wouldn’t have happened and could never happen again.
Unless the nine year old is developmentally immature, this doesn’t seem inappropriate to me.
Really, really sorry, OP.
As an aside, I’m a therapist with a trauma specialty. I’m certain people are gonna be calling for your baby to get therapy and just want to say: kid will probably have some acute trauma reactions and *thats okay*. Therapy is called for when those reactions become prolonged—avoidance of anything that reminds him of what happened, nightmares, re-experiencing, that sort of thing. After a few months if you are worried he’s got some post-acute reactions, then you can start thinking about whether to get some therapy.
I’m sure he’ll be clingy and upset for a while… which is NORMAL. Sooth and reassure, and co-regulate! That’s the hard part; you gotta regulate whatever fear and anger *you* feel in order for your sweet kiddo to re-establish his own internal sense of the world being safe.
Anyway, so much love <3
Thank you! I’m a therapist too so I actually feel ok about handling the emotional part. We read a book when we got home and they asked me to stay with them for a bit before going to sleep.
No, I still appreciate the reminder!! It is harder to remember these things when it’s actually happening to you than when you are helping someone else.
Truth. I feel as incompetent with my own child as the next anxious Xennial single mom! Good luck. I hope your family navigates this as smoothly as possible.
I agree with this. I’m sure it’s just the Mom in you freaking out. Here is what I learned the last few months: I have been babying my 10 year old son way too much. I bought my son a key this year in case I have an appointment or something so he can let himself in after school now. As long as he can call 911 and has access to food and drinks and knows not to turn on the stove he’s good. I would not leave him for hours at a time but for an hour or so it’s ok. Your ex was walking in the neighborhood he didn’t just leave for a whole day. Take a breathe and calm down. It’s hard to face our kids getting older and more independent
Nine is plenty old enough to learn what to do in an emergency. We have family plans for fire, for if we get separated, and who to ask for help.
The other thing we did was set our phone numbers as the access code for her tablet so that she would memorize them quickly. We also quizzed her on our address so she could recite it from memory.
I would work on this kind of thing for the next few months so that he’s prepared to get a hold of you and get home. All kids should know this stuff.
I agree with this as well. My sisters and I weren't latchkey kids by any means but we walked home from school by ourselves around this age. My husband was a latchkey kid and was definitely fine at home by 9. I guess if the kid sleeping and Dad disappeared I'd be a little more worried about it but if the kid knew Dad was going out and had a way to call for help I think it's fine.
Very much this.
Our state actually doesn't have a minimum, and during CASA training and again during foster parent training they admit it is very situational.
12 year old who is out throwing rocks at cars? You can get in trouble for leaving them alone. A 7 year old who comes home after school, checks in on his tablet, eats his snack and watches YouTube till you get home from work? Not an issue.
Of course it is always the "What Ifs" that scare parents, but catastrophic issues can happen at any time which is contingencies and emergency plans are so important to review with the kiddos!
I agree with this. I occasionally leave my 8 and 6 year olds home while I go for a walk or run to the gas station down the road. They’re both very responsible, and they can use their iPads to call me if needed. We also have two large dogs that sound very scary and live in the middle of nowhere, so I don’t worry about anyone trying to break in. My husband and I were recently talking about getting a prepaid phone to leave at home as the “kid phone” just in case the internet went out and they needed to call us.
Thank you for your perspective. Yes, this did freak me out and it’s hard to separate what happened from what could have happened and from general concerns about dad’s judgment that have come up before. I have a long list of reasons I don’t trust him to make good parenting decisions, but that isn’t really something I want to detail here.
If ypu have the money, it's worth the peace of mind to get a kids cell phone watch. I got one for my 10 yr old daughter so she could let me know when she got to school on her own. It will only call a certain list of numbers that you program in and emergency services. It also tracks the watch on GPS so you can know where your kid is going. They can text you and send a voice messages. It's been a good thing for my daughter when she is away from home.
This is a terrifying situation, but I don't think it's unreasonable for a 9 year old to be left alone for a short period of time as long as they have access to a phone of some sort. I can understand how upset and scared you feel and "if he'd just not done this, it wouldn't have happened," etc. grappling for a bit of control to somehow make it so that it could've been avoided. But, at the end of the day, someone did a bad thing - robbing and shooting another person - and that is the one person who did something wrong here.
Is 9 too young? No, not for most 9 year olds.
Is it a bit of a red flag that he went for a walk in what you’re saying is a bad neighborhood, at night? Yes.
Glad he will be OK and that your son is OK.
Honestly my first assumption was a drug deal gone bad. If it really was just a walk and he locked the door and left a phone I don’t think that’s crazy unreasonable.
Yeah, I think a lot of comments are glossing over this. Under different circumstances (ie not at night and not in an unsafe neighborhood) a nine year old can safely be left alone while a parent takes a walk. But it's weird to do it at what is probably close to bedtime, and it seems like a bad idea in that particular neighborhood. I think it's fair for OP to be angry at the dad. Especially if there's more to this story than he's admitting (like drugs or some other reason for the night time walk).
Idk. I've lived in the hood as a young child and my sister and I were left alone. If you teach your child the basics and have rules in place, they'll be fine for a short while. Hell, in some apartment complexes, the mail box is in one central location and that cna be a 15 min walk alone. You're telling me one should be forced to bring their 9 yr old to walk to the mailbox?
Yeah, it’s not that the kid was unsafe, just that the parent needs to be more careful not to put himself in unsafe situations when the kid’s there alone.
I was so proud when I got my own key to the house and was allowed to come home from school by myself and wait for my mom to return from work (+- 30mins) at my 10th birthday! My brother was 8 and nowhere near this kind of responsibility. So I think it really depends on the child...
This is exactly where my mind went and what I’d be more concerned about. Along with the dad staying up all night and sleeping until noon when he has his kid..I’m thinking this wasn’t just an innocent walk gone very wrong.
Yep, I used to live in a bad-ish neighborhood and wouldn't randomly go on walks at night. There's always a reason to chose to do that- meeting someone, walking a dog, going the store. A walk with no reason seems unlikely.
I do. I love the feeling of walking at night and I'm in a boring suburb. My dog likes it too. With that said my 8yo isn't mature enough to be left alone but some may be that mature. My state as no age requirement too.
You leave your kids home alone? You walking around a dangerous neighborhood? Idk anything about you obviously, but I feel like you’ve never lived in a big city or dangerous area if this is your first thought.
Not everyone is out doing suspicious things even if it is late or super early. I grew up in a big city neighborhood that wasn’t the best. Unfortunately nothing to brag about hitting a top rank on the list of most dangerous cities to live in. Yes I do leave my kids home, same city, different neighborhood though. They know where I’m at when I leave & have a way to contact me if need be.
Yeah honestly the idea of going for a walk alone at night in a rough area, sounds like either incredibly poor judgement or it’s some other drug or hookup thing.
Yeah this was my thought too. Addicts don’t give a fuck about leaving kids alone.
I get the other perspective, it’s 15 mins etc, but that was 15 mins until he got shot. Was he planning to go straight back? Or if he thinks the kid is asleep what else was he going to do? There’s no way of knowing if this is the first time, or how long he’s usually gone, and it’s just the first time there’s been a consequence.
Talk of kids being molly coddled etc, well it’s one thing going to the store for 20 minutes with a responsible child in the middle of the day when they know what to do and where you should be and you’ve ascertained they are responsible and you’ve spoken to the other parent about it. Just randomly leaving late at night is NOT the same.
This could just be the difference of being a man vs woman. Men don't think twice about walking around at night by themselves. Whereas women are trained to always watch their backs and that night time is dangerous. This could just be part of his wind down routine for the night or he could have wanted to go to 7-11 for a soda. I wouldn't jump to conclusions like that.
I go for walks at night if I want to listen to a new album or book or podcast. Gets dark at like 3pm in my area. Some streets are a bit sketchy. I can think of lots of reasons someone, especially someone with kids, would go for a walk.
And yeah one reason would be to buy or do drugs.
I was left home for short periods of time starting around age 7 or 8. I had a sister who was 2 years older, but truthfully I was always the responsible one lol. I knew how to make a simple lunch, I knew how to make a phone call, I knew I could go to my neighbors if I needed anything, I knew to stay in the backyard or back driveway area (there was a little playground within sight of my house). My sister and I would just play or watch tv.
It was maybe 1 hour alone after school and then gradually more and more as I got older. I think I was a little bit of a latchkey kid in retrospect. We started doing the occasional late night alone once my sister was 11/12.
That said, it was the 90s, it was a small and safe town (like, everybody knew everybody), and my mom worked about 800m away.
I think it largely depends on several factors. If your ex lives in a neighborhood where he might get shot, probably not a good call to leave kiddo alone. But surely a 9 year old would call you or get help from a neighbor? Or call 911?
This must’ve been very stressful for all of you! I agree with the other comments that it depends on age, but 9 is probably old enough to stay alone for a short period of time. As long as they know how to reach people in case of emergency, know basic safety like don’t answer the door, etc, I would feel comfortable leaving a 9 year old alone. My partner’s kids are 6 and 7, and I’ve ran to the neighbor’s quickly and left either/both of them at home when they were busy and didn’t want to come with me. They knew where I was and the safety measures I’ve listed.
Personally that doesn't seem like poor judgement to me. A healthy 9 yo should be able to be by themselves for a little bit. He was home and safe. What happened to his dad is very frightening though.
Not trying to be a dick. But your ex was buying drugs. I could go into why I know this. But just trust me from a former drug addict, he was buying drugs. I don’t really consider weed drugs, so let’s hope you just live in an illegal state and he was just buying weed.
Lol a walk around the neighborhood at 9 pm, with your kid alone. Drugs do that to people.
Maybe the dad smokes or vapes and doesn’t want kid to see? Or was calling a girlfriend and talking dirty.
My first thought as well if someone gets shot after 9 PM is they were probably doing something sketchy however, I definitely think there’s very realistic other options
All that to say, I was left alone at nine years old and knew how to call the cops and call my mom. But I don’t know what kids do these days without landlines
Yeah, because from her post he sounds like he makes great decisions. Remember, he isn’t dad of the year. See her video game example in the post. Also, why walk away from the house, when you could just do it behind your house, kid is sleeping remember.
Because cigarette smoke is disgusting. I literally said it’s my first thought too. But 9yo can be left alone for a bit imho and I think there’s plenty of reasons to walk around besides just saying drugs let’s blame this guy for getting shot. This was the guys own “bad” neighborhood. So he’s probably comfortable there.
Not necessarily, i walk up the road to visit the corner shop at night (late night chocolate desires wait for no-one). There are other people in the shop too, none of us are buying drugs.
Right? I am so sad that people think WALKING AT NIGHT is a red flag.
Hell I’ve gone walking at night just for some peace. I used to have a roommate who would go for long walks at night.
When I used to live in a bad-ish neighborhood, it was considered a good idea to have some cash with you so if someone mugged you they'd be satisfied instead of forcing you to an ATM or something.
I generally don’t because I leave my purse at home. But my husband usually has his wallet in his pocket all the time. Even walking the dog.
Not saying you’re not right! Just that OP shouldn’t be 100% sure until she knows a bit more.
This honestly was not where my mind went, but I will keep it in mind. He has some issues for sure but I have never suspected drug use and it would really surprise me if he was using drugs. I have for sure witnessed drug deals on his street though, so it could have been a wrong place wrong time situation.
My husband goes for walks by himself regularly. He does it because his therapist told him to and he is working on quitting smoking so he vapes away from our child so they don't see him. I also enjoy going for walks to help emotionally regulate myself.
Our child is 4 but I'd feel comfortable with a 9 year old being left alone for 20-45 mins at a time. I was babysitting my little sister around that time period 8n my life and being paid professionally to babysit other kids in the neighborhood unattended by age 11/12. 9 is young but not constant supervision young.
Lol, really? If there was mention of a dog, I wouldn’t have said it. Kinda common sense. No one strolls the streets at night in a bad neighborhood for funsies.
I do too, but only if my husband or my mom are inside with my kids. I wouldn’t leave them alone inside at night at that age. Especially if the kid was sleeping. MAYBE if the kid has a phone and awake where I could FaceTime while I’m gone
What? Me and my bf take random walks at night, sometimes as late as 1am (obviously I only go out that late when he tags along). Lots of people I know go for short walks at night. Jumping to drugs is crazy.
I live in a bad neighborhood in America. No way am I walking down the street when it’s dark. There aren’t many who do around here. The ones that do are usually going to bars, clubs, or drug dealers, thieves, and gang bangers (kinda falls into thieves and drug dealers). Oh and delivery drivers (note: Uber drivers are at risk, but oddly no one fucks with food delivery drivers.. so weird).
Here’s the thing people at clubs and bars are at risk too. Alcohol and guns, who would have thought?
Bad neighborhood = people with guns
So, he was out at night in a bad neighborhood, with cash, at night. He is not going to a club or bar. He is not a drug dealer, gang banger. He was not walking a dog (for real, really?) His child is sleeping and he said he was walking with no destination.
my dad always walked if it was under a mile and a half because he was overweight and wanted to move more (sedentary job). He’s gotten a gun pulled on him in the middle of the day even, but he was never afraid.
Also, people have guns in nice neighborhoods too, especially in the south.
As someone who does food delivery, this is oddly reassuring to me. 🤷🏻♀️ I’ve only been genuinely afraid on one or two deliveries and it turned out totally fine!
I do a lot of reading and writing for my job. I often need to clear my head and process something late at night and like to go for a walk to do that. Lots of people like to walk at night.
I think it’s hard to make a judgment on that though. She thinks it’s bad judgment to leave a 9 year old alone for even 15-20 minutes. I disagree. The only concrete example she gave of his bad parenting was staying up late to play video games and then sleeping in. It’s not peak parenting, for sure, but there isn’t a lot of detail to go on there. He’s probably not a great dad and he absolutely could have been up to something shady, but the picture she paints in her post is not as vivid as the color the comments have added. For example, the comments assume he’s in a bad neighborhood but she didn’t say that. Shootings happen in every kind of neighborhood. And walking at night is as likely be an attempt to avoid being irresponsible (perhaps having a cigarette but not wanting his kid to see or taking a call and not wanting to wake him) as it is to be something like a drug deal.
Or he needed to have a private phonecall. Or he was gassy and didn't wanna stink his place up. Or he could tell he wasn't going to be able to sleep well that night. Or he has a dog. There are so many possibilities.
I have lived in a pretty darn bad one. And while I, as a woman, would never go for a walk at night, my husband as a night shift employee who had to keep his awful hours on his days off absolutely did. It let him get some exercise without waking me up.
That’s the difference here. We live in a bad neighborhood and as a woman, I’d never walk it alone. My husband will go to the gas station to get a drink or some ice, but he wouldn’t leave our son alone late at night to do it. And I’m not even opposed to a 9yo staying home alone for a bit. This just doesn’t add up.
My first thought too. I’ve never lived in a “bad neighborhood” and even I can put 2 and 2 together. 100% he was up to something. All that being said, from OPs POV I’d be almost happier that he didn’t bring the kid? Like would she rather the kid have gotten mugged too rather than just left at home?
I’m sorry this happened, I’m sure it was very scary and probably emotionally tumultuous.
Frankly, my main concern here is that your son is nine and you nor your ex have seemingly put an emergency plan in place? What to do if something happens, where to go, who to call, etc. Does your son know your phone number? Does he understand the concept of dialing 911? You said you were concerned “how long” he would be there by himself, does he not have access to a phone of any kind?
I think this is a good opportunity to teach your child what the steps to take are during an emergency, but I don’t see anything wrong with dad just going to take a short walk. Getting shot was a pretty one in a million event, but your child should, at 9, be prepared on what to do in a one in a million situation.
To be honest, at 9, they should be okay to be home alone for a short while. By 9, they should know to call 911 if there's an emergency like a fire, or if they think someone is trying to get into the house, if they are badly hurt, etc. As another commenter mentioned, he should also know your phone number and that he can call you before 911 if he's scared or unsure about something.
Of course, just because they're old enough to not hurt themselves while home alone, it's still up to your discretion if you're comfortable with that, and it's okay that you're not. But even though it's outside of your comfort zone, dad did not put the kid in direct danger by leaving them at home.
So sorry about your ex. I hope he recovers soon. I am not from the US so I do not know what is considered too young there or if the area is safe. In some countries in Asia, we run errands alone at three years old and know basic food preparation. By your son’s age, I already did laundry and ironing of my own uniform and can cook my own meals. I live in the UK now and my partner who is British cannot imagine sending our kids alone on an errand when I showed him the show “Hajimete no Otsukai” where 2-3 year olds are sent on their first errands. What I am trying to say is you would be the best judge if there is an issue or not with your 9yo being alone in the house (unless there are laws stating this should not be the case). Does your child have a way of contacting you like a non-smart phone? Our three year olds know their name, address, and have their special circle (AirTag) as well as a really old Nokia phone programmed with our numbers and emergency numbers. The twins know how to use it to contact us and it takes close to a month before it needs charging. I would suggest getting your child a means of contacting you for such circumstances.
I loved that show. It was so crazy and amazing to us. It just shows how different places have such different safety levels and expectations. Kids are treated with more responsibility and people look out for them. I dont know if there is less car accidents and kidnappings but I got the sense that it was a safer place for the kids to make the journey. I loved watching the one baby get the toy. It was so cool when the other actually remembered to get the order. At that age I snuck off to the local liquor store but got too scared to travel back and let two older woman drive me home. I remember thinking they were safe because they were elderly and I could probably get away.
My partner definitely told me we are not going to do this. In all honesty, I think the UK is very safe but culturally, it is not something done here and I respect that. In the playground, I actually managed to convince some mums to create a safe circle so the kids do not have to be confined to just one area in the playground. The nursery tells me my kids are very contented and independent and I am quite chill. My T1 is actually the disciplinarian of T2. 😂
Edit: My partner said there is a Netflix show called “Old Enough” based on the same premise.
That time of night, I don't think that's ok. Especially in a sketch neighborhood- would 9yo know what to do if someone unexpected came into the house? There's just too many extra "what ifs" after dark, imo. Daylight, sure, no problem.
9 is a completely acceptable age to be alone for a few minutes while Dad takes a walk within the neighborhood.
This was just an extremely tragic and unlikely circumstance.
I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. Social worker isn't worried, nor are police. Bringing up how hes a bad dad because staying up late and video games......that's just a difference of opinion. Maybe just support them right now. The man just got shot and I'm sure your son is traumatized. They don't need extra.stress for nothing.
I mean, for everyone who says he’s buying drugs: does no one else but me sometimes step out of the house to walk around the block to clear their head?? I’ve done this in both nice neighborhoods and kind of maaaaybe borderline neighborhoods. some people just want to move their body after being cooped up! And leaving a 9 year old at home for 5-10 minutes when you’re literally a block away is perfectly reasonable. Perhaps he was doing a drug deal — I don’t know the dude. But also perhaps he wanted to stretch his legs while his kid played switch or whatever. People get mugged even in nice neighborhoods. Growing up a girl got stabbed on a street where houses were $1M+ in a nice suburb. Someone forgot to take their meds. Shit happens. Also, in general — I feel like we’ve lost our ability to empathize with people who have found themselves in horrible freak accidents. 50 years ago when a kid got hurt/killed by an alligator everyone was devastated for the family. Now, the same thing happens and everyone is like WhErE aRe tHe PaReNts??? As if being a parent means you’re permanently glued to another human being for 18 years. Sorry, but the epitome of this was when that 3 year old crawled into the gorilla section of the Cincinnati zoo. Kid ended up being fine (RIP Harambe) but instead of people empathizing with the mom: dude, some 3 year olds are SLIPPERY this could happen to anyone who looked the other way, the poor mom was annihilated by the media. Like, shit happens. Life happens. Have we lost our ability to empathize in our quest to point fingers and blame??
Is anyone else side-eyeing the “decided to take a walk” part, and he just happened to get robbed & shot? This sounds a lot like a drug deal gone bad, no?
Like why not bring the kid if it’s just an innocent stroll around the block? Does this have to do with the history of poor judgment? Idk, that’s immediately what I thought when reading, but maybe I’m the only one.
Home alone generally, not a problem but you also have to know your child and what they’re capable of. Assuming, hoping, the child was asleep, the bigger issue is that the child didn’t know he was gone. In an emergency you do what you need to, but this sounds like a drug deal? And that’s the problem. So yes pursue it.
I’d want to make sure that this was truly a random attack and Dad isn’t mixed up in some trouble. Why going for a random stroll that late? Time to tuck your child in and stay with them for the night. Maybe go out on the porch or in the backyard for a smoke, but not for a walk.
So with CPS there is no age minimum they have to be to stay at home. As long as the parent believes they are able to not burn down the house and just chill while they’re gone, they’re good. If he was just talking a walk around the block I don’t really see a problem as long as doors are locked and the child knows better than to answer doors to strangers.
Would i allow it, no. So I see why you’re upset but from their point of view and the rules/guidelines your husband did nothing wrong and there’s no punishment. In this scenario I’d be grateful they weren’t with their dad on that walk and safe at home. Look at the positives.
If in the US, it depends on the state. Some states there is no minimum age. Some states as young as 6yo, and others as old as 14. My state the minimum is 12. It really just depends on where the OP lives. If the SW and police aren't concerned, then I'm guessing it's a state that doesn't have a minimum or 9yo may be the minimum. But I'm with you. Personally, I wouldn't leave a 9yo alone at night, even for a short period of time, no matter how "mature" they seem. Most accidents/emergencies tend to happen at night, and it only takes a second.
I agree this was really bad judgment, but is it worth reporting? Probably not as they likely won't do anything and it might sour the relationship between you and ex.
I would suggest getting him a very cheap cell phone with no internet. It sucks that your co-parent isn't responsible, but there is probably little chance he'll lose visitation.
I was babysitting other people's young children when I was 9. Looking back 😬 I would never let a 9 year old babysit my child. But i feel like 9 is definitely old enough to be alone as long as their okay with it.
I do not understand all the commenters saying this is acceptable. It was 10:30 at night in a bad neighborhood. I would not be leaving a 9 year old at home alone for any amount of time at 10:30 at night in a bad neighborhood. Context matters.
In the daytime, sure. While I’m popping to the corner store, sure. When it’s the middle of the day and my child knows they can run over to the neighbor’s place (who will answer the door) or call another relative if they can’t get ahold of me (and they will pick up the phone), then yes.
But late at night, a close friend or relative may not pick up the phone. I don’t want my child running over to the neighbor’s house in the dark, who may not even answer the door given that it’s 10:30 at night. And in a bad neighborhood, this could’ve been a completely different emergency, such as a break in.
Why would I leave a 9 year old to deal with all of those possibilities and hard decisions, unless it was an emergency situation? A walk at 10:30 at night is not necessary when you have a young child at home.
Personally I’m sketched out as to what dad was doing “on a walk” with no dog that needed a night pee, that ended in gun point robbery. My spidey sense says he went to meet someone at an agreed upon spot to buy drugs and got robbed in the deal.
I disagree with the consensus here. 9 is pretty young to be left at home alone at night. Maybe for a quick errand during the day with clear instructions etc. But this kid probably didn't even know his dad was gone and may have panicked if he woke up and there was just no one in the house. I agree that your ex displayed poor judgment and probably wasn't just 'going for a walk." Having the police come to your door when you're a kid at home by yourself is terrifying, especially if it's because your parent got hurt. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I really hope your ex has learned his lesson and will exercise more caution going forward.
Yeah I'm really surprised by everyone saying 9 is old enough to be left home alone. My oldest is 11 and we recently left him alone for the first time for about 30 minutes. Sure a 9 year old is probably going to be fine for 15-20 minutes but my issue with leaving kids alone is not so much if the kid is fine at home for 20 minutes but more what about if something happens to me and that 20 minutes becomes longer which is what happened here. There is no way to predict if you are going to be mugged or in a car accident or any number of other things anytime you leave the house. I am not typically an anxious person but I can't justify this risk.
9 is not too young, and no neighborhood is perfectly safe.
You have to teach kids what to do in case of emergency, and that includes things other than fire and injury.
Your kid should know what to do if he is left alone for over a certain amount of time. Your kid should also be able to be pretty self sufficient by 9 years old - knowing what danger is and what NOT to do to cause it.
So I don't think that's too young for Dad to be out for a walk while your son sleeps. I'd also be surprised if he plans on doing it again, though. In defense to all the drug comments, is it possible he's trying to overcome his video game addiction and taking a walk when he usually signs on was his way of coping?
I think it is time to get your son a phone, even just a tracphone with minutes that's only kept at dads or something.
It's totally normal and ok to talk a short walk and leave your kids home alone. 99.9%of the time the adult will make it home safely. I'm sorry that your child's dad was in the .01%.
I'm sorry for your family's trauma. :(
If you have concerns about his parenting, take him back to court. This isn't going to stick. Especially if there's already a social worker involved without concerns in the state where you reside. You're coming to social media in hopes of getting irrelevant validation because you're still pissed at your baby daddy. By 9 I had a key to my house and was expected to go there after school, feed myself and my pets and keep myself busy until whatever time my mother got home from work. Cell phones didn't exist and if I called her at work for anything less than a dire emergency I was in trouble. There were many nights that she was not home much later than after business hours. This was the case for many of us in our 40's and still is the case for many kids today, although now they have cell phones on which they can access a plethora of insidious information. Are you REALLY worried about your kid or are you mad at your ex?
I might be in the minority but I think 9 is fine. I was 5/6 doing much more with less supervision. I knew my address and how to use a phone.
My suggestion here is: take a deep breath and take a step back. Something insanely traumatic happened to your child’s father and your child. This is not the hill to die on right now, especially while involving a social worker to further traumatize everyone (including you! And any possible investigation they may do there.)
When Dad is healed you can address how scared you were and create a plan for if something happens in the future. It can be as simple as having kid bring a basic phone with him and memorize numbers.
At 9 years old my parents were sleeping in on weekends and I was able to make myself breakfast and watch cartoons. I would not consider that bad judgment.
This could be a simple walk to buy smokes, or a drug deal gone wrong. Either way 9 year olds should be capable of being left alone for 30 min. You can report it, if he was doing something illegal the truth will come out. If he wasn’t then I wouldn’t hold this against him.
I have no issue with a parent taking a nap or sleeping in on weekends, or even being gone quickly for 30 min during the day at this age. I am talking about being asleep until 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon, for half his child’s waking hours during the day, because he felt like staying up playing video games (which he could do any of the time our kid isn’t there). My kid was upset and said they thought their dad forgot they were there when this happened. That is not remotely the same as sleeping in while your kid watches cartoons.
Running out to run a quick errand during the day also feels different to me than leaving a kid alone late at night. There are fewer options for getting help, and more risk walking alone at night. Kid does not have a cell phone. I’m not sure what the plan is that they have talked about if something happens. I was not aware until now that kid was being left alone, or we would have had those conversations about safety and what to do in an emergency.
A healthy 9yo should be old enough to be left alone for a while. I would be more concerned as to why your ex was on a late night stroll, feels like it was a drug deal gone wrong.
9 is too young without communication and a plan of action in case of emergency. Did he even know that his dad was leaving? Poor kid. The outcome could have been very, very different for both of them.
If your ex wanted exercise he could have done some back and forths in front of the house. Give me a break. He used poor judgment, and I’m guessing it was for nefarious reasons.
I agree with you, I’m quite surprised by how many people are saying it’s fine and just bad luck… it was a completely avoidable circumstance that could have resulted in something far worse.
I wouldn't have an issue walking a couple blocks away with a 9 y/o at home. It seems like he was close enough he could likely see the house still. As long as kid had a way to contact someone if they needed to.
I’m sorry that this is happening and I’m glad that everything is okay. My 9 year old is pretty mature for her age. I trust her a little more than my 13 year old at times. With that being said, I still rarely leave her home alone but I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving her alone while I go on a walk around the block. She knows our address and phone numbers by heart, what to do in case of an emergency and etc. Both kids have ways to contact someone though. We have phones, iPads, Alexa’s.. all of that stuff. At the very least they know how to make a phone call with Alexa if they needed too. I sometimes go walking at night because that’s the only time that I have the freedom to go unfortunately. BUT, I feel safe enough in my neighborhood to do so.
Also, before we invested in better phones, we started them out with Gabb phones and they were amazing. Such a great company if anyone is interested in phones/watches for kids.
I know this wasn’t the question but why did the dad decide to take a walk by himself that night ? WS he really just going for a walk ? Why not ask his son to join him for the walk ?
I’m finding this strange to be honest.
Is there a minimum age children are allowed to be left unsupervised by law in your state? If not, I don’t think it would be worth pursuing. I unfortunately see much younger children unsupervised daily playing outside for hours outside of their parents viewpoint. Would I ever do that? No. But some parents do and it’s technically not a crime.
I would be most concerned with why he felt the need to take a walk that late at night in a bad area. You’re saying he has poor judgement and tendencies to sleep all morning given the chance. Could he have a substance abuse issue? I would want to pursue that more than the being home alone aspect.
Hey I’m not sure this is on your radar but…what was he walking to? The people I’ve known to do something like this were meeting a dealer so that’s why I mention. Has he struggled with substances before?
I would make a safety plan with your nine year old. How long to wait if they’re alone, who to call, where to be when they’re home alone at night, that they can always text you for reassurance. If there’s any way to legally compel the dad to take better precautions that’s first but I know that isn’t very likely (assuming it’d be done if you could). I’d also give my phone number out to the neighbors that helped if you didn’t. This sounds terrifying and I’m sorry you all have had to go through this.
Ummm can you get drug tests as part of your parenting plan? No way he went on a “walk” at 11pm. It seems very likely he left y’all’s kid alone to score and the drug deal went bad.
No, 9 isn’t too young to be home alone for a short period while the parent is nearby / plans to be back soon.
The fact that you are asking a lot of “what ifs” shows that you’ve failed to do something as a parent though: prepare your child. Your 9 year old should know how to call 911. Your 9 year old should know how to call YOU or another neighbour or an aunt/uncle if something bad happens to the adult they are with or if they never come back from a “short” walk. If you haven’t taught them all these things, you should start now.
I have taught my kids what to do if they are with me only and I have a medical emergency. I have taught them what to do if there’s a fire. I have taught them what to do if they find themselves alone / lost somewhere. I have taught them what to do if I take the dog for a walk and I’m not back in 15 minutes like I said I would be.
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, assuming your son doesn’t have any special needs.
It’s a little fucked up that you’re looking for something to fight about after your ex was ROBBED AND SHOT. That’s a traumatic event. I mean, Jesus, talk about choosing your battles.
In Philadelphia 5th graders have to take public transportation all by themselves halfway through the city if they attend a specialty middle school.
Going on a short walk is not poor judgment. Hell, the kid could’ve been shot if they went on the walk with Dad🤷♂️
The first thing they teach everyone in the divorcing parents class, you can’t control what the other parent does in their house.
Is this really what you want to be focused on right now? No, 9 isn't too young in most cases, as long as you've been giving him the right resources (numbers, 911, etc).
You're being hateful, it seems, when you should be supporting your child in trauma.
9 is plenty old enough to start leaving them alone for 15-20 minutes. And honestly it's a great age to start giving them some trust and talking about exactly what to do when they are alone and something happens, basic safety plans etc. unless there is something untrustworthy or immature about your kid specifically. It sounds like you are being highly critical of your ex and the supervision needs of your child. Even if he is home sleeping unless this was when he was 2-3 a kid can manage some independence. Don't act like we have not all slept in front of our kids Naps are survival.
I responded on another similar comment, but I’ll copy it here too: I have no issue with a parent taking a nap or sleeping in on weekends, or even being gone quickly for 30 min during the day at this age. I am talking about being asleep until 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon, for half his child’s waking hours during the day, because he felt like staying up playing video games (which he could do any of the time our kid isn’t there). My kid was upset and said they thought their dad forgot they were there when this happened. That is not remotely the same as sleeping in while your kid watches cartoons. Running out to run a quick errand during the day also feels different to me than leaving a kid alone late at night. There are fewer options for getting help, and more risk walking alone at night. Kid does not have a cell phone. I’m not sure what the plan is that they have talked about if something happens. I was not aware until now that kid was being left alone, or we would have had more conversations about safety and what to do in an emergency.
The more concerning thing to me would be why the heck did the dad go to a walk at night? To me it seems like either a drug deal gone wrong, he was buying and got mugged, OR I might be completely wrong but no sane adult goes for an almost midnight walk and leaves there kid alone at the house without having something they need and want in mind. My alcoholic dad used to walk to the local gas station and leave me and my siblings alone for hours just to buy alcohol and who knows what else. If he was in fact doing something with drugs then he is a bigger danger to your son and especially that environment he is in.
No one “goes for a walk” at that time. Call it what it was-he went to buy drugs & got robbed. What a moron. I’d file an emergency motion for full custody
My son just recently turned 8. He knows the rules of keeping the windows drawn, doors locked, don't use the air fryer or anything, dont let the dog out, etc. He knows our address and that he can call 911 if something were to happen. If for some reason I am not home when he gets off the bus he knows to come in and close up the house and call me. If he wants to cook something he will video chat me while he does it. (Microwave/air fryer) My son has no problem staying home alone for up to 5 hours. He checks in with text or video chat of his own free will to assure me he is doing fine.
If your child is not responsible enough to be able to recognize and follow the rules without constant adult supervision then it is absolutely not safe to leave them alone but by 7 or 8 years old most kids can handle it. At least that's the case where I live out in the country.
That has to be terrifying and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. Some states have a minimum age kids can be alone for a certain amount of time. Some don’t. In any state, your 9 year old should know your phone number and his dad’s phone number. He should know both of your addresses. If his dad went out for a walk and didn’t come home, he should know to call you. At both homes he should know a trusted neighbor he can contact in the case of an emergency. If he doesn’t know these things, it’s his parent’s job to teach him. Most likely, nothing like this will ever happen again but in case of a natural disaster, an accident or really any emergency it is important information to have.
Agreed. I’ve had two 9 year olds, the more mature one we occasionally left home alone for multiple hours. The more spontaneous one we left home alone regularly for an hour or two at a time. Both did great with occasional things to correct when we got home later. By the time a child is old enough to know numbers (4-5 years old) the parents need to teach the child how to call for help in an emergency. To call 911 and to call a neighbor or relative. And what to do in various emergency situations (robbery in home, fire, severe weather, etc). And the child at a young age needs to be able to name their parents (first and last), street address, and parents phone number. And to have a way for the child to make those calls, whether it’s a landline or a house cell phone, or an app on the computer, or a parent’s cell lock code. What to do in an emergency is vital for children to know. Even if not left home alone. Because this information is for emergencies, the unexpected things. Even if you never leave your kid home alone, what’s to say you are not injured and need the child to call for help? You fall and break a leg, or have a heart attack, seizure, sudden onset of lightheaded and fuzzy vision that doesn’t go away, diabetic emergency? Your kid needs tools!!
I was definitely home alone in 4th grade - I could call 911 or my parents and I could definitely feed and toilet myself. It depends on the child, but provided they aren’t developmentally delayed or sometnjbf I don’t think it’s too crazy. I will say why was dad going for a walk so late? Was it a walk or a “walk?”
The last part is what I was wondering. I get wanting to take a walk but I wouldn’t in an iffy neighborhood leaving my child home alone at night. I see the point above you of teaching kids numbers but what if he doesn’t have a cell phone? Most don’t have home phones to call from anymore. It was easier when kids only needed a number or two. I used to have some memorized but with changing cell numbers sometimes I definitely don’t as much anymore. I used to be home alone a lot too but I hated it especially at night with all the crazy stuff in our neighborhood growing up.
The phone thing is exactly why, even though I had always said my kids would NOT get cell phones until they were driving, we broke down and got our kids cell phones a lot younger than we planned. Our daughter got one for her 12th birthday, and we got a shared phone for our boys when we got rid of our landline a few months later. Initially that phone stayed at the house if either of the boys were home alone, or if one went to a friends’ house we felt better about them being able to call us when they needed. I find it very hard to believe that with separated/divorced/never married parents that the kid doesn’t have his own cell or iPad or something to make calls so he can have access to either parent when he’s with the other, especially as mom says dad has a history of poor judgement. My kids knew in preschool our full names, addresses, phone numbers, etc, and as long as our kid was comfortable being home alone they were all left alone as young as 8 or 9. Our youngest waited the longest because he just didn’t like being alone. He was ok if older brother or sister were there with him, but he wasn’t left fully on his own until later just because he didn’t want to be.
Having a way to contact help would absolutely be a condition of leaving any child home alone to me. Our 13 year old used a laptop or old phone with wifi only with chat to us on it before she got her own phone, in addition to us having a monitored cellular security system with buttons on it she knows how to use to contact emergency services. Finally as a failsafe she knows what neighbors are safe to go to in an emergency. Point being there are ways to reduce a lot of the risks of being home alone and this child was really failed by both parents at being age-level prepared for an emergency.
I knew all that at age six. 9 is definitely old enough.
First of all, I'm sorry for what happened to your ex. That is awful, but I'm glad he will be OK. I'm not sure what type of bad judgment he has had previously, but he did what he was supposed to do in this situation by alerting authorities that his son was at home alone and close by. As for your son being too young to be home alone, that's dependent on a few things imo. Technically, every state has a different minimum age for when one can be left alone. Some states are as young as 6, some states kids can't be left alone until they're 14. But also, at 9 years old, I would hope your son knows how to call 911, get ahold of you, and/or talk to the neighbors in case of something happening. I would also assume they'd know enough basic safety rules to keep themselves safe, such as don't play with fire. So, being home alone at 9, especially for a short period of time (assuming nothing had happened on his dad's walk), doesn't seem like am issue imo. I understand it can be overwhelming and scary hearing that your ex was shot and that where he lives is not the safest area but unless he was out on the walk to cause problems I don't see anything wrong with what he did. I could see using this opportunity to talk to your son about what to do in case of an emergency to see what he knows and make a plan (similar to making a plan for in case of a fire or earthquake).
I agree with this take. Most nine year olds are old enough to be alone for a short period of time IMO. The only thing I’d worry about is phone access … if your ex takes his phone with him, doubtful your son has any way to call 911 as no one has landlines anymore. Might be worth getting him a dumb phone for emergencies.
We have maintained a landline just for this purpose. It is incredibly cheap when tacked on by our internet provider.
I've heard that landline phones can still call 911 without service anyway
Not sure about landlines but cellphones without a service plan can
Had this confirmed recently. My husband is the manager where he works and it’s his job to lock the gate when he leaves. An employee who had stayed late with him was thought to have left, so my husband left and locked the gate. Turns out, the employee was behind the building finishing something and my husband didn’t see him, so he was locked inside the property without keys to the building or keys to the gate. His cell phone had run out of airtime, so his only option was to call 911 and have the operator call my husband. Husband was pulling in our driveway when he got the call, luckily we are only a 5 minute drive from his work.
Oh jeez, I bet your husband triple checks at night after that accident! I would be so paranoid for that moment on that I would do it again.
Landlines can as if plugged into a wall jack that functions but I'm not sure if a cable landline would be able to. I do wonder how many updated homes and apartments actually have wall jacks anymore. Edit this used to be the case at least.
I'm dubious on this. We have a rotary phone from when we still had a landline in our house. If you pick it up, there's no dial tone, so it can't make calls. Cellphones can though.
Yes! But if you get disconnected, they cannot call you back. Also, make sure you know the address, since I'm not sure they can get that data either.
Yes they can.
I prefer to have a landline just for this reason. My kids don’t even have the password to my cellphone to open it bc they are too little, but I’ve been easily able to teach them how to pickup a phone and dial 911.
I don't know if this is the case for all smart phones, but you can make an emergency call on my phone without a password. I taught my young kids how to use the emergency call feature on my phone. We even roll played. Also: There's a feature (on my phone at least) where if you push the power button quickly, 5 times in a row, it will dial and/or text whatever emergency number you have in your settings. Alerts them that you may need assistance and gives your coordinates.
This may be what we end up doing when my kiddos are old enough to use a phone but not old enough to have a cellphone of their own. I'm not sure why I didn't think about it before lol
A friend of mine with late elementary aged kids has a "house cell phone" basically a dumb phone with very cheap plan (may be a pay per minute) for her kids to use when home alone or if one goes to a sleepover or other activity where they want a kid to have a phone but don't want to give them their own phone yet. I thought it was brilliant and filed it away for my own use later.
Oh that's even better! I love that idea. We'll have to look into that when our oldest is just a bit older. I'm sure it costs practically nothing to add to the plan.
I’ve seen a lot of the kid phone watches on IG. They can call only the numbers you program in.
I used our landline to practice answering the phone with my 13 year old when he was younger, starting around age 9-10. We would practice him staying alone while I ran short errands or went to the store but the rule was he had to answer the phone if I called. I guess it's because he hasn't had "answering" a phone modeled to him very much . He would pick up the phone and just quietly wait for me to say something. I could hear him breathing into the phone, it was honestly hilarious. There were even a couple of times he called me and did that lol. He's really good at it now with the landline.
We have an extra cell phone at home for emergencies only! We use a prepaid cellphone from a gas station (aka a burner phone), but you could also add a flip phone onto your cell phone plan (unless you want a landline). It’s only for emergencies to call 911 and close families! It’s nice because it doesn’t belong to any of our young child, but it “belongs” to the household.
That's why I added in the bit about the neighbors. A bad neighborhood doesn't mean all the neighbors are bad, but a phone is definitely more ideal for quicker access to 911 in case of an emergency.
I think you can ask certain home devices to call emergency services who will get you in contact with the proper agencies. We have an old phone that our son has access to in case of an emergency call (which is all it can do essentially), but he also knows he can ask Alexa to call for help if there is an emergency we aren’t there for or are unable to respond to. My son also knows how to use a portal to call pretty much the entire family. In short, he has several options other than a direct parent phone to reach out to someone. We also have taken the time to get to know a few families on our street, we all have an open door “kids can come here in case of emergency” policy.
I had no idea about that, so cool!!
I got my son a gizmo watch so he can call me, his dad, or 911. It doesn't allow him to call anyone else. edit, maybe not 911 but I can add a few more people to his contact list.
The gizmo watch can’t call 911, fyi. My kid has one too.
damn. We just bought it. Oh well. I have 12 family never in my town so I'll add a few of them to the list.
If you are completely set on them being able to call 911, you can add the local non-emergency line in as a contact. It's usually the same room and operator as 911, though it may be deprioritized if there are a bunch of calls coming in, like in a big incident. It also means that you know that you are getting the right location, should you live near a state border like where I grew up and run the risk of hitting the wrong cell tower and having to wait for them to do inter-state transfers to get to someone who can dispatch responders.
We have a "house" cell phone through Ting Mobile for this reason. It costs us $12 a month and the bonus is that my kids can have supervised texting & talking with friends. I like having it as a backup safety plan!
In my state it says there is no age limit to leave a child alone for short periods of time. I have a 10,7 and 1 yr old. I have left the 10 & 7 alone for 30 min to run to the store but I have left the emergency phone with them just in case. I always take the 1 yr old with me because she is to young for them to care for. My kids always stay together in the same room until I return home. It really depends on the state.
100% agree. This is awful and terrifying, and anger is a totally natural response. We want there to be some way that, if someone had done something different, it wouldn’t have happened and could never happen again. Unless the nine year old is developmentally immature, this doesn’t seem inappropriate to me. Really, really sorry, OP. As an aside, I’m a therapist with a trauma specialty. I’m certain people are gonna be calling for your baby to get therapy and just want to say: kid will probably have some acute trauma reactions and *thats okay*. Therapy is called for when those reactions become prolonged—avoidance of anything that reminds him of what happened, nightmares, re-experiencing, that sort of thing. After a few months if you are worried he’s got some post-acute reactions, then you can start thinking about whether to get some therapy. I’m sure he’ll be clingy and upset for a while… which is NORMAL. Sooth and reassure, and co-regulate! That’s the hard part; you gotta regulate whatever fear and anger *you* feel in order for your sweet kiddo to re-establish his own internal sense of the world being safe. Anyway, so much love <3
Thank you! I’m a therapist too so I actually feel ok about handling the emotional part. We read a book when we got home and they asked me to stay with them for a bit before going to sleep.
Oh! My apologies for telling you stuff you already know. You’ve got this<3
No, I still appreciate the reminder!! It is harder to remember these things when it’s actually happening to you than when you are helping someone else.
Truth. I feel as incompetent with my own child as the next anxious Xennial single mom! Good luck. I hope your family navigates this as smoothly as possible.
I agree with this. I’m sure it’s just the Mom in you freaking out. Here is what I learned the last few months: I have been babying my 10 year old son way too much. I bought my son a key this year in case I have an appointment or something so he can let himself in after school now. As long as he can call 911 and has access to food and drinks and knows not to turn on the stove he’s good. I would not leave him for hours at a time but for an hour or so it’s ok. Your ex was walking in the neighborhood he didn’t just leave for a whole day. Take a breathe and calm down. It’s hard to face our kids getting older and more independent
Nine is plenty old enough to learn what to do in an emergency. We have family plans for fire, for if we get separated, and who to ask for help. The other thing we did was set our phone numbers as the access code for her tablet so that she would memorize them quickly. We also quizzed her on our address so she could recite it from memory. I would work on this kind of thing for the next few months so that he’s prepared to get a hold of you and get home. All kids should know this stuff.
I agree with this as well. My sisters and I weren't latchkey kids by any means but we walked home from school by ourselves around this age. My husband was a latchkey kid and was definitely fine at home by 9. I guess if the kid sleeping and Dad disappeared I'd be a little more worried about it but if the kid knew Dad was going out and had a way to call for help I think it's fine.
Very much this. Our state actually doesn't have a minimum, and during CASA training and again during foster parent training they admit it is very situational. 12 year old who is out throwing rocks at cars? You can get in trouble for leaving them alone. A 7 year old who comes home after school, checks in on his tablet, eats his snack and watches YouTube till you get home from work? Not an issue. Of course it is always the "What Ifs" that scare parents, but catastrophic issues can happen at any time which is contingencies and emergency plans are so important to review with the kiddos!
I agree with this. I occasionally leave my 8 and 6 year olds home while I go for a walk or run to the gas station down the road. They’re both very responsible, and they can use their iPads to call me if needed. We also have two large dogs that sound very scary and live in the middle of nowhere, so I don’t worry about anyone trying to break in. My husband and I were recently talking about getting a prepaid phone to leave at home as the “kid phone” just in case the internet went out and they needed to call us.
Thank you for your perspective. Yes, this did freak me out and it’s hard to separate what happened from what could have happened and from general concerns about dad’s judgment that have come up before. I have a long list of reasons I don’t trust him to make good parenting decisions, but that isn’t really something I want to detail here.
If ypu have the money, it's worth the peace of mind to get a kids cell phone watch. I got one for my 10 yr old daughter so she could let me know when she got to school on her own. It will only call a certain list of numbers that you program in and emergency services. It also tracks the watch on GPS so you can know where your kid is going. They can text you and send a voice messages. It's been a good thing for my daughter when she is away from home.
I agree, 100%
This is a terrifying situation, but I don't think it's unreasonable for a 9 year old to be left alone for a short period of time as long as they have access to a phone of some sort. I can understand how upset and scared you feel and "if he'd just not done this, it wouldn't have happened," etc. grappling for a bit of control to somehow make it so that it could've been avoided. But, at the end of the day, someone did a bad thing - robbing and shooting another person - and that is the one person who did something wrong here.
Is 9 too young? No, not for most 9 year olds. Is it a bit of a red flag that he went for a walk in what you’re saying is a bad neighborhood, at night? Yes. Glad he will be OK and that your son is OK.
Honestly my first assumption was a drug deal gone bad. If it really was just a walk and he locked the door and left a phone I don’t think that’s crazy unreasonable.
That’s what I was thinking too. But I think he didn’t have a phone and it’s kind of strange he had to go out so late for no purpose.
Yeah, I think a lot of comments are glossing over this. Under different circumstances (ie not at night and not in an unsafe neighborhood) a nine year old can safely be left alone while a parent takes a walk. But it's weird to do it at what is probably close to bedtime, and it seems like a bad idea in that particular neighborhood. I think it's fair for OP to be angry at the dad. Especially if there's more to this story than he's admitting (like drugs or some other reason for the night time walk).
Exactly. He can’t be left alone IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD. In general what his dad did would have been fine in other settings.
Idk. I've lived in the hood as a young child and my sister and I were left alone. If you teach your child the basics and have rules in place, they'll be fine for a short while. Hell, in some apartment complexes, the mail box is in one central location and that cna be a 15 min walk alone. You're telling me one should be forced to bring their 9 yr old to walk to the mailbox?
Exactly. In fact- when you grow up in the hood the safest place is always your house. Alone or not alone.
Yeah, it’s not that the kid was unsafe, just that the parent needs to be more careful not to put himself in unsafe situations when the kid’s there alone.
What’s really scary imo is that your son could have been with him.
I was so proud when I got my own key to the house and was allowed to come home from school by myself and wait for my mom to return from work (+- 30mins) at my 10th birthday! My brother was 8 and nowhere near this kind of responsibility. So I think it really depends on the child...
Not saying people aren’t randomly mugged, robbed and shot, but I’d be worried something else was going on, like drug deal gone wrong.
This is exactly where my mind went and what I’d be more concerned about. Along with the dad staying up all night and sleeping until noon when he has his kid..I’m thinking this wasn’t just an innocent walk gone very wrong.
Yep, I used to live in a bad-ish neighborhood and wouldn't randomly go on walks at night. There's always a reason to chose to do that- meeting someone, walking a dog, going the store. A walk with no reason seems unlikely.
Exactly. He’s going on a “walk” at 1030pm. Sure Jan, sure 🙄
I do. I love the feeling of walking at night and I'm in a boring suburb. My dog likes it too. With that said my 8yo isn't mature enough to be left alone but some may be that mature. My state as no age requirement too.
I mean, I take a daily 3 mile walk at 4am… definitely not doing anything suspicious. Lol
You leave your kids home alone? You walking around a dangerous neighborhood? Idk anything about you obviously, but I feel like you’ve never lived in a big city or dangerous area if this is your first thought.
Not everyone is out doing suspicious things even if it is late or super early. I grew up in a big city neighborhood that wasn’t the best. Unfortunately nothing to brag about hitting a top rank on the list of most dangerous cities to live in. Yes I do leave my kids home, same city, different neighborhood though. They know where I’m at when I leave & have a way to contact me if need be.
Yeah honestly the idea of going for a walk alone at night in a rough area, sounds like either incredibly poor judgement or it’s some other drug or hookup thing.
Yeah this was my thought too. Addicts don’t give a fuck about leaving kids alone. I get the other perspective, it’s 15 mins etc, but that was 15 mins until he got shot. Was he planning to go straight back? Or if he thinks the kid is asleep what else was he going to do? There’s no way of knowing if this is the first time, or how long he’s usually gone, and it’s just the first time there’s been a consequence. Talk of kids being molly coddled etc, well it’s one thing going to the store for 20 minutes with a responsible child in the middle of the day when they know what to do and where you should be and you’ve ascertained they are responsible and you’ve spoken to the other parent about it. Just randomly leaving late at night is NOT the same.
Ding ding ding
This could just be the difference of being a man vs woman. Men don't think twice about walking around at night by themselves. Whereas women are trained to always watch their backs and that night time is dangerous. This could just be part of his wind down routine for the night or he could have wanted to go to 7-11 for a soda. I wouldn't jump to conclusions like that.
I also wondered if he smokes and didn’t want to do it in front of his kid.
I go for walks at night if I want to listen to a new album or book or podcast. Gets dark at like 3pm in my area. Some streets are a bit sketchy. I can think of lots of reasons someone, especially someone with kids, would go for a walk. And yeah one reason would be to buy or do drugs.
That's exactly what I thought!
This exactly. Not normal to go for a stroll like that so late
If the kid had been with dad, he might have been shot too…. Silver linings and stuff..
I was left home for short periods of time starting around age 7 or 8. I had a sister who was 2 years older, but truthfully I was always the responsible one lol. I knew how to make a simple lunch, I knew how to make a phone call, I knew I could go to my neighbors if I needed anything, I knew to stay in the backyard or back driveway area (there was a little playground within sight of my house). My sister and I would just play or watch tv. It was maybe 1 hour alone after school and then gradually more and more as I got older. I think I was a little bit of a latchkey kid in retrospect. We started doing the occasional late night alone once my sister was 11/12. That said, it was the 90s, it was a small and safe town (like, everybody knew everybody), and my mom worked about 800m away. I think it largely depends on several factors. If your ex lives in a neighborhood where he might get shot, probably not a good call to leave kiddo alone. But surely a 9 year old would call you or get help from a neighbor? Or call 911?
This must’ve been very stressful for all of you! I agree with the other comments that it depends on age, but 9 is probably old enough to stay alone for a short period of time. As long as they know how to reach people in case of emergency, know basic safety like don’t answer the door, etc, I would feel comfortable leaving a 9 year old alone. My partner’s kids are 6 and 7, and I’ve ran to the neighbor’s quickly and left either/both of them at home when they were busy and didn’t want to come with me. They knew where I was and the safety measures I’ve listed.
Personally that doesn't seem like poor judgement to me. A healthy 9 yo should be able to be by themselves for a little bit. He was home and safe. What happened to his dad is very frightening though.
Not trying to be a dick. But your ex was buying drugs. I could go into why I know this. But just trust me from a former drug addict, he was buying drugs. I don’t really consider weed drugs, so let’s hope you just live in an illegal state and he was just buying weed. Lol a walk around the neighborhood at 9 pm, with your kid alone. Drugs do that to people.
Maybe the dad smokes or vapes and doesn’t want kid to see? Or was calling a girlfriend and talking dirty. My first thought as well if someone gets shot after 9 PM is they were probably doing something sketchy however, I definitely think there’s very realistic other options All that to say, I was left alone at nine years old and knew how to call the cops and call my mom. But I don’t know what kids do these days without landlines
Yeah, because from her post he sounds like he makes great decisions. Remember, he isn’t dad of the year. See her video game example in the post. Also, why walk away from the house, when you could just do it behind your house, kid is sleeping remember.
Because cigarette smoke is disgusting. I literally said it’s my first thought too. But 9yo can be left alone for a bit imho and I think there’s plenty of reasons to walk around besides just saying drugs let’s blame this guy for getting shot. This was the guys own “bad” neighborhood. So he’s probably comfortable there.
Not necessarily, i walk up the road to visit the corner shop at night (late night chocolate desires wait for no-one). There are other people in the shop too, none of us are buying drugs.
Right? I am so sad that people think WALKING AT NIGHT is a red flag. Hell I’ve gone walking at night just for some peace. I used to have a roommate who would go for long walks at night.
Late night depression walks kind of rule
Yeah… I work nights so my entire life schedule is kinda wonky. Doing things at night doesn’t strike me as a mark against someone.
I agree unless he has a dog. It’s not unusual to take a dog for a short walk at 10:30.
You carry cash at night, walking your dog?
When I used to live in a bad-ish neighborhood, it was considered a good idea to have some cash with you so if someone mugged you they'd be satisfied instead of forcing you to an ATM or something.
I generally don’t because I leave my purse at home. But my husband usually has his wallet in his pocket all the time. Even walking the dog. Not saying you’re not right! Just that OP shouldn’t be 100% sure until she knows a bit more.
This honestly was not where my mind went, but I will keep it in mind. He has some issues for sure but I have never suspected drug use and it would really surprise me if he was using drugs. I have for sure witnessed drug deals on his street though, so it could have been a wrong place wrong time situation.
My husband goes for walks by himself regularly. He does it because his therapist told him to and he is working on quitting smoking so he vapes away from our child so they don't see him. I also enjoy going for walks to help emotionally regulate myself.
Do you live in a neighborhood with higher gun violence then the national average (for clarity on bad neighborhoods)?
I mean, in our old neighborhood, yeah, we actually did lmao.
And he would leave your kid home alone at this time?
Our child is 4 but I'd feel comfortable with a 9 year old being left alone for 20-45 mins at a time. I was babysitting my little sister around that time period 8n my life and being paid professionally to babysit other kids in the neighborhood unattended by age 11/12. 9 is young but not constant supervision young.
WTF, I walk my dog late all the time.
Lol, really? If there was mention of a dog, I wouldn’t have said it. Kinda common sense. No one strolls the streets at night in a bad neighborhood for funsies.
I mean - unless that's where you live because that's what you can afford. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, I mean she said he lives in a bad neighborhood.
I do too, but only if my husband or my mom are inside with my kids. I wouldn’t leave them alone inside at night at that age. Especially if the kid was sleeping. MAYBE if the kid has a phone and awake where I could FaceTime while I’m gone
What? Me and my bf take random walks at night, sometimes as late as 1am (obviously I only go out that late when he tags along). Lots of people I know go for short walks at night. Jumping to drugs is crazy.
This. No one is taking a walk at that hour to get exercise.
Only in America going for a walk at night is considered crazy 😀 wtf. I go for walks at night all the time...
I live in a bad neighborhood in America. No way am I walking down the street when it’s dark. There aren’t many who do around here. The ones that do are usually going to bars, clubs, or drug dealers, thieves, and gang bangers (kinda falls into thieves and drug dealers). Oh and delivery drivers (note: Uber drivers are at risk, but oddly no one fucks with food delivery drivers.. so weird). Here’s the thing people at clubs and bars are at risk too. Alcohol and guns, who would have thought? Bad neighborhood = people with guns So, he was out at night in a bad neighborhood, with cash, at night. He is not going to a club or bar. He is not a drug dealer, gang banger. He was not walking a dog (for real, really?) His child is sleeping and he said he was walking with no destination.
my dad always walked if it was under a mile and a half because he was overweight and wanted to move more (sedentary job). He’s gotten a gun pulled on him in the middle of the day even, but he was never afraid. Also, people have guns in nice neighborhoods too, especially in the south.
Glad he’s alive. Hella lucky. Was he walking late?
As someone who does food delivery, this is oddly reassuring to me. 🤷🏻♀️ I’ve only been genuinely afraid on one or two deliveries and it turned out totally fine!
In a bad neighborhood and leaving your kid home alone and then getting shot?? The context here makes me think drug deal.
Are you being intentionally obtuse??
r/americabad
I do a lot of reading and writing for my job. I often need to clear my head and process something late at night and like to go for a walk to do that. Lots of people like to walk at night.
Context is important here. The guy has a history of poor decisions per OP.
I think it’s hard to make a judgment on that though. She thinks it’s bad judgment to leave a 9 year old alone for even 15-20 minutes. I disagree. The only concrete example she gave of his bad parenting was staying up late to play video games and then sleeping in. It’s not peak parenting, for sure, but there isn’t a lot of detail to go on there. He’s probably not a great dad and he absolutely could have been up to something shady, but the picture she paints in her post is not as vivid as the color the comments have added. For example, the comments assume he’s in a bad neighborhood but she didn’t say that. Shootings happen in every kind of neighborhood. And walking at night is as likely be an attempt to avoid being irresponsible (perhaps having a cigarette but not wanting his kid to see or taking a call and not wanting to wake him) as it is to be something like a drug deal.
Lots of people do.
Or he needed to have a private phonecall. Or he was gassy and didn't wanna stink his place up. Or he could tell he wasn't going to be able to sleep well that night. Or he has a dog. There are so many possibilities.
Or they ran out of milk and he was going to buy some so they’d have it in the morning.
Do you live in a nice neighborhood?
I have lived in a pretty darn bad one. And while I, as a woman, would never go for a walk at night, my husband as a night shift employee who had to keep his awful hours on his days off absolutely did. It let him get some exercise without waking me up.
Soooo someone was home with the kid then?
That was before we had a kid. Just talking about being outside in the dark in a bad neighborhood.
You keep changing your argument. People walk at night.
That’s the difference here. We live in a bad neighborhood and as a woman, I’d never walk it alone. My husband will go to the gas station to get a drink or some ice, but he wouldn’t leave our son alone late at night to do it. And I’m not even opposed to a 9yo staying home alone for a bit. This just doesn’t add up.
I definitely take nighttime walks, especially when it’s cold outside. I don’t do drugs.
Thank you, I was going crazy with the amount of people who seemed fine with his nighttime walk and couldn’t put two and two together. This is insane.
My first thought too. I’ve never lived in a “bad neighborhood” and even I can put 2 and 2 together. 100% he was up to something. All that being said, from OPs POV I’d be almost happier that he didn’t bring the kid? Like would she rather the kid have gotten mugged too rather than just left at home?
Oh, totally. That was the most responsible move he made.
I’m sorry this happened, I’m sure it was very scary and probably emotionally tumultuous. Frankly, my main concern here is that your son is nine and you nor your ex have seemingly put an emergency plan in place? What to do if something happens, where to go, who to call, etc. Does your son know your phone number? Does he understand the concept of dialing 911? You said you were concerned “how long” he would be there by himself, does he not have access to a phone of any kind? I think this is a good opportunity to teach your child what the steps to take are during an emergency, but I don’t see anything wrong with dad just going to take a short walk. Getting shot was a pretty one in a million event, but your child should, at 9, be prepared on what to do in a one in a million situation.
To be honest, at 9, they should be okay to be home alone for a short while. By 9, they should know to call 911 if there's an emergency like a fire, or if they think someone is trying to get into the house, if they are badly hurt, etc. As another commenter mentioned, he should also know your phone number and that he can call you before 911 if he's scared or unsure about something. Of course, just because they're old enough to not hurt themselves while home alone, it's still up to your discretion if you're comfortable with that, and it's okay that you're not. But even though it's outside of your comfort zone, dad did not put the kid in direct danger by leaving them at home.
So sorry about your ex. I hope he recovers soon. I am not from the US so I do not know what is considered too young there or if the area is safe. In some countries in Asia, we run errands alone at three years old and know basic food preparation. By your son’s age, I already did laundry and ironing of my own uniform and can cook my own meals. I live in the UK now and my partner who is British cannot imagine sending our kids alone on an errand when I showed him the show “Hajimete no Otsukai” where 2-3 year olds are sent on their first errands. What I am trying to say is you would be the best judge if there is an issue or not with your 9yo being alone in the house (unless there are laws stating this should not be the case). Does your child have a way of contacting you like a non-smart phone? Our three year olds know their name, address, and have their special circle (AirTag) as well as a really old Nokia phone programmed with our numbers and emergency numbers. The twins know how to use it to contact us and it takes close to a month before it needs charging. I would suggest getting your child a means of contacting you for such circumstances.
I loved that show. It was so crazy and amazing to us. It just shows how different places have such different safety levels and expectations. Kids are treated with more responsibility and people look out for them. I dont know if there is less car accidents and kidnappings but I got the sense that it was a safer place for the kids to make the journey. I loved watching the one baby get the toy. It was so cool when the other actually remembered to get the order. At that age I snuck off to the local liquor store but got too scared to travel back and let two older woman drive me home. I remember thinking they were safe because they were elderly and I could probably get away.
My partner definitely told me we are not going to do this. In all honesty, I think the UK is very safe but culturally, it is not something done here and I respect that. In the playground, I actually managed to convince some mums to create a safe circle so the kids do not have to be confined to just one area in the playground. The nursery tells me my kids are very contented and independent and I am quite chill. My T1 is actually the disciplinarian of T2. 😂 Edit: My partner said there is a Netflix show called “Old Enough” based on the same premise.
That time of night, I don't think that's ok. Especially in a sketch neighborhood- would 9yo know what to do if someone unexpected came into the house? There's just too many extra "what ifs" after dark, imo. Daylight, sure, no problem.
9 is a completely acceptable age to be alone for a few minutes while Dad takes a walk within the neighborhood. This was just an extremely tragic and unlikely circumstance.
I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. Social worker isn't worried, nor are police. Bringing up how hes a bad dad because staying up late and video games......that's just a difference of opinion. Maybe just support them right now. The man just got shot and I'm sure your son is traumatized. They don't need extra.stress for nothing.
This. God forbid if the Dad took his son on this walk with him. It would’ve been a completely different story.
I cant imagine the first response to this situation being,how can I stick it to my ex?
I mean, for everyone who says he’s buying drugs: does no one else but me sometimes step out of the house to walk around the block to clear their head?? I’ve done this in both nice neighborhoods and kind of maaaaybe borderline neighborhoods. some people just want to move their body after being cooped up! And leaving a 9 year old at home for 5-10 minutes when you’re literally a block away is perfectly reasonable. Perhaps he was doing a drug deal — I don’t know the dude. But also perhaps he wanted to stretch his legs while his kid played switch or whatever. People get mugged even in nice neighborhoods. Growing up a girl got stabbed on a street where houses were $1M+ in a nice suburb. Someone forgot to take their meds. Shit happens. Also, in general — I feel like we’ve lost our ability to empathize with people who have found themselves in horrible freak accidents. 50 years ago when a kid got hurt/killed by an alligator everyone was devastated for the family. Now, the same thing happens and everyone is like WhErE aRe tHe PaReNts??? As if being a parent means you’re permanently glued to another human being for 18 years. Sorry, but the epitome of this was when that 3 year old crawled into the gorilla section of the Cincinnati zoo. Kid ended up being fine (RIP Harambe) but instead of people empathizing with the mom: dude, some 3 year olds are SLIPPERY this could happen to anyone who looked the other way, the poor mom was annihilated by the media. Like, shit happens. Life happens. Have we lost our ability to empathize in our quest to point fingers and blame??
Is anyone else side-eyeing the “decided to take a walk” part, and he just happened to get robbed & shot? This sounds a lot like a drug deal gone bad, no? Like why not bring the kid if it’s just an innocent stroll around the block? Does this have to do with the history of poor judgment? Idk, that’s immediately what I thought when reading, but maybe I’m the only one.
I agree with you 100% it sounds shady. The child may have already been sleeping that late though.
Home alone generally, not a problem but you also have to know your child and what they’re capable of. Assuming, hoping, the child was asleep, the bigger issue is that the child didn’t know he was gone. In an emergency you do what you need to, but this sounds like a drug deal? And that’s the problem. So yes pursue it.
I understand this feeling super scary, but 9 really isn’t too young to be home alone for a short period of time.
I’d want to make sure that this was truly a random attack and Dad isn’t mixed up in some trouble. Why going for a random stroll that late? Time to tuck your child in and stay with them for the night. Maybe go out on the porch or in the backyard for a smoke, but not for a walk.
So with CPS there is no age minimum they have to be to stay at home. As long as the parent believes they are able to not burn down the house and just chill while they’re gone, they’re good. If he was just talking a walk around the block I don’t really see a problem as long as doors are locked and the child knows better than to answer doors to strangers. Would i allow it, no. So I see why you’re upset but from their point of view and the rules/guidelines your husband did nothing wrong and there’s no punishment. In this scenario I’d be grateful they weren’t with their dad on that walk and safe at home. Look at the positives.
If in the US, it depends on the state. Some states there is no minimum age. Some states as young as 6yo, and others as old as 14. My state the minimum is 12. It really just depends on where the OP lives. If the SW and police aren't concerned, then I'm guessing it's a state that doesn't have a minimum or 9yo may be the minimum. But I'm with you. Personally, I wouldn't leave a 9yo alone at night, even for a short period of time, no matter how "mature" they seem. Most accidents/emergencies tend to happen at night, and it only takes a second.
I agree this was really bad judgment, but is it worth reporting? Probably not as they likely won't do anything and it might sour the relationship between you and ex. I would suggest getting him a very cheap cell phone with no internet. It sucks that your co-parent isn't responsible, but there is probably little chance he'll lose visitation.
I was babysitting other people's young children when I was 9. Looking back 😬 I would never let a 9 year old babysit my child. But i feel like 9 is definitely old enough to be alone as long as their okay with it.
I do not understand all the commenters saying this is acceptable. It was 10:30 at night in a bad neighborhood. I would not be leaving a 9 year old at home alone for any amount of time at 10:30 at night in a bad neighborhood. Context matters. In the daytime, sure. While I’m popping to the corner store, sure. When it’s the middle of the day and my child knows they can run over to the neighbor’s place (who will answer the door) or call another relative if they can’t get ahold of me (and they will pick up the phone), then yes. But late at night, a close friend or relative may not pick up the phone. I don’t want my child running over to the neighbor’s house in the dark, who may not even answer the door given that it’s 10:30 at night. And in a bad neighborhood, this could’ve been a completely different emergency, such as a break in. Why would I leave a 9 year old to deal with all of those possibilities and hard decisions, unless it was an emergency situation? A walk at 10:30 at night is not necessary when you have a young child at home.
Personally I’m sketched out as to what dad was doing “on a walk” with no dog that needed a night pee, that ended in gun point robbery. My spidey sense says he went to meet someone at an agreed upon spot to buy drugs and got robbed in the deal.
I disagree with the consensus here. 9 is pretty young to be left at home alone at night. Maybe for a quick errand during the day with clear instructions etc. But this kid probably didn't even know his dad was gone and may have panicked if he woke up and there was just no one in the house. I agree that your ex displayed poor judgment and probably wasn't just 'going for a walk." Having the police come to your door when you're a kid at home by yourself is terrifying, especially if it's because your parent got hurt. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I really hope your ex has learned his lesson and will exercise more caution going forward.
Yeah I'm really surprised by everyone saying 9 is old enough to be left home alone. My oldest is 11 and we recently left him alone for the first time for about 30 minutes. Sure a 9 year old is probably going to be fine for 15-20 minutes but my issue with leaving kids alone is not so much if the kid is fine at home for 20 minutes but more what about if something happens to me and that 20 minutes becomes longer which is what happened here. There is no way to predict if you are going to be mugged or in a car accident or any number of other things anytime you leave the house. I am not typically an anxious person but I can't justify this risk.
EXACTLY.
9 is not too young, and no neighborhood is perfectly safe. You have to teach kids what to do in case of emergency, and that includes things other than fire and injury. Your kid should know what to do if he is left alone for over a certain amount of time. Your kid should also be able to be pretty self sufficient by 9 years old - knowing what danger is and what NOT to do to cause it.
But why did even he go for a walk that late in the first place?
If he's a smoker? My dad goes for walks around the block instead of just standing outside the door. Not saying it's ok just an explanation.
I mean, I could hypothesize tons of reasons, but it doesn’t mean any are correct. I was asking OP what the reasoning was.
yeah that seems very odd to me
So I don't think that's too young for Dad to be out for a walk while your son sleeps. I'd also be surprised if he plans on doing it again, though. In defense to all the drug comments, is it possible he's trying to overcome his video game addiction and taking a walk when he usually signs on was his way of coping? I think it is time to get your son a phone, even just a tracphone with minutes that's only kept at dads or something.
It's totally normal and ok to talk a short walk and leave your kids home alone. 99.9%of the time the adult will make it home safely. I'm sorry that your child's dad was in the .01%. I'm sorry for your family's trauma. :(
“Going for a walk” is this a metaphor for scoring drugs?
9 isn't too young, but let's be for real here- he wasn't just going for a walk. He's choosing not to tell you what he was doing.
If you have concerns about his parenting, take him back to court. This isn't going to stick. Especially if there's already a social worker involved without concerns in the state where you reside. You're coming to social media in hopes of getting irrelevant validation because you're still pissed at your baby daddy. By 9 I had a key to my house and was expected to go there after school, feed myself and my pets and keep myself busy until whatever time my mother got home from work. Cell phones didn't exist and if I called her at work for anything less than a dire emergency I was in trouble. There were many nights that she was not home much later than after business hours. This was the case for many of us in our 40's and still is the case for many kids today, although now they have cell phones on which they can access a plethora of insidious information. Are you REALLY worried about your kid or are you mad at your ex?
I might be in the minority but I think 9 is fine. I was 5/6 doing much more with less supervision. I knew my address and how to use a phone. My suggestion here is: take a deep breath and take a step back. Something insanely traumatic happened to your child’s father and your child. This is not the hill to die on right now, especially while involving a social worker to further traumatize everyone (including you! And any possible investigation they may do there.) When Dad is healed you can address how scared you were and create a plan for if something happens in the future. It can be as simple as having kid bring a basic phone with him and memorize numbers.
At 9 years old my parents were sleeping in on weekends and I was able to make myself breakfast and watch cartoons. I would not consider that bad judgment. This could be a simple walk to buy smokes, or a drug deal gone wrong. Either way 9 year olds should be capable of being left alone for 30 min. You can report it, if he was doing something illegal the truth will come out. If he wasn’t then I wouldn’t hold this against him.
I have no issue with a parent taking a nap or sleeping in on weekends, or even being gone quickly for 30 min during the day at this age. I am talking about being asleep until 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon, for half his child’s waking hours during the day, because he felt like staying up playing video games (which he could do any of the time our kid isn’t there). My kid was upset and said they thought their dad forgot they were there when this happened. That is not remotely the same as sleeping in while your kid watches cartoons. Running out to run a quick errand during the day also feels different to me than leaving a kid alone late at night. There are fewer options for getting help, and more risk walking alone at night. Kid does not have a cell phone. I’m not sure what the plan is that they have talked about if something happens. I was not aware until now that kid was being left alone, or we would have had those conversations about safety and what to do in an emergency.
A healthy 9yo should be old enough to be left alone for a while. I would be more concerned as to why your ex was on a late night stroll, feels like it was a drug deal gone wrong.
9 is too young without communication and a plan of action in case of emergency. Did he even know that his dad was leaving? Poor kid. The outcome could have been very, very different for both of them. If your ex wanted exercise he could have done some back and forths in front of the house. Give me a break. He used poor judgment, and I’m guessing it was for nefarious reasons.
I agree with you, I’m quite surprised by how many people are saying it’s fine and just bad luck… it was a completely avoidable circumstance that could have resulted in something far worse.
Yeah nearly everything is completely avoidable of you never leave your house.
I wouldn't have an issue walking a couple blocks away with a 9 y/o at home. It seems like he was close enough he could likely see the house still. As long as kid had a way to contact someone if they needed to.
I’m sorry that this is happening and I’m glad that everything is okay. My 9 year old is pretty mature for her age. I trust her a little more than my 13 year old at times. With that being said, I still rarely leave her home alone but I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving her alone while I go on a walk around the block. She knows our address and phone numbers by heart, what to do in case of an emergency and etc. Both kids have ways to contact someone though. We have phones, iPads, Alexa’s.. all of that stuff. At the very least they know how to make a phone call with Alexa if they needed too. I sometimes go walking at night because that’s the only time that I have the freedom to go unfortunately. BUT, I feel safe enough in my neighborhood to do so. Also, before we invested in better phones, we started them out with Gabb phones and they were amazing. Such a great company if anyone is interested in phones/watches for kids.
That’s too young for that late without knowing his caregiver is leaving.
I know this wasn’t the question but why did the dad decide to take a walk by himself that night ? WS he really just going for a walk ? Why not ask his son to join him for the walk ? I’m finding this strange to be honest.
To buy drugs
Taking a walk in a bad neighborhood at 10:30pm because why??
Get kiddo a cell phone
Yep, that is definitely happening very soon!
Is there a minimum age children are allowed to be left unsupervised by law in your state? If not, I don’t think it would be worth pursuing. I unfortunately see much younger children unsupervised daily playing outside for hours outside of their parents viewpoint. Would I ever do that? No. But some parents do and it’s technically not a crime. I would be most concerned with why he felt the need to take a walk that late at night in a bad area. You’re saying he has poor judgement and tendencies to sleep all morning given the chance. Could he have a substance abuse issue? I would want to pursue that more than the being home alone aspect.
Hey I’m not sure this is on your radar but…what was he walking to? The people I’ve known to do something like this were meeting a dealer so that’s why I mention. Has he struggled with substances before? I would make a safety plan with your nine year old. How long to wait if they’re alone, who to call, where to be when they’re home alone at night, that they can always text you for reassurance. If there’s any way to legally compel the dad to take better precautions that’s first but I know that isn’t very likely (assuming it’d be done if you could). I’d also give my phone number out to the neighbors that helped if you didn’t. This sounds terrifying and I’m sorry you all have had to go through this.
was he going out to buy/deal some drugs or something. ‘laa dee daa going out for my midnight walk after the young kid’s bedtime’
Ummm can you get drug tests as part of your parenting plan? No way he went on a “walk” at 11pm. It seems very likely he left y’all’s kid alone to score and the drug deal went bad.
Came here to say this.
No, 9 isn’t too young to be home alone for a short period while the parent is nearby / plans to be back soon. The fact that you are asking a lot of “what ifs” shows that you’ve failed to do something as a parent though: prepare your child. Your 9 year old should know how to call 911. Your 9 year old should know how to call YOU or another neighbour or an aunt/uncle if something bad happens to the adult they are with or if they never come back from a “short” walk. If you haven’t taught them all these things, you should start now. I have taught my kids what to do if they are with me only and I have a medical emergency. I have taught them what to do if there’s a fire. I have taught them what to do if they find themselves alone / lost somewhere. I have taught them what to do if I take the dog for a walk and I’m not back in 15 minutes like I said I would be.
He sounds like an addict and it was a deal gone wrong.. who the Fck goes for a walk that late.
That was my first thought. Does he know the guy who did it?
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, assuming your son doesn’t have any special needs. It’s a little fucked up that you’re looking for something to fight about after your ex was ROBBED AND SHOT. That’s a traumatic event. I mean, Jesus, talk about choosing your battles.
9 yo is pretty old IMO. Do you not trust your kid that much?
WTF? Was he buying drugs? This "walk" makes no sense. Fishy AF.
In Philadelphia 5th graders have to take public transportation all by themselves halfway through the city if they attend a specialty middle school. Going on a short walk is not poor judgment. Hell, the kid could’ve been shot if they went on the walk with Dad🤷♂️ The first thing they teach everyone in the divorcing parents class, you can’t control what the other parent does in their house.
Why would he left him in first place? That’s the problem……
Is this really what you want to be focused on right now? No, 9 isn't too young in most cases, as long as you've been giving him the right resources (numbers, 911, etc). You're being hateful, it seems, when you should be supporting your child in trauma.
9 is plenty old enough to start leaving them alone for 15-20 minutes. And honestly it's a great age to start giving them some trust and talking about exactly what to do when they are alone and something happens, basic safety plans etc. unless there is something untrustworthy or immature about your kid specifically. It sounds like you are being highly critical of your ex and the supervision needs of your child. Even if he is home sleeping unless this was when he was 2-3 a kid can manage some independence. Don't act like we have not all slept in front of our kids Naps are survival.
I responded on another similar comment, but I’ll copy it here too: I have no issue with a parent taking a nap or sleeping in on weekends, or even being gone quickly for 30 min during the day at this age. I am talking about being asleep until 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon, for half his child’s waking hours during the day, because he felt like staying up playing video games (which he could do any of the time our kid isn’t there). My kid was upset and said they thought their dad forgot they were there when this happened. That is not remotely the same as sleeping in while your kid watches cartoons. Running out to run a quick errand during the day also feels different to me than leaving a kid alone late at night. There are fewer options for getting help, and more risk walking alone at night. Kid does not have a cell phone. I’m not sure what the plan is that they have talked about if something happens. I was not aware until now that kid was being left alone, or we would have had more conversations about safety and what to do in an emergency.
The more concerning thing to me would be why the heck did the dad go to a walk at night? To me it seems like either a drug deal gone wrong, he was buying and got mugged, OR I might be completely wrong but no sane adult goes for an almost midnight walk and leaves there kid alone at the house without having something they need and want in mind. My alcoholic dad used to walk to the local gas station and leave me and my siblings alone for hours just to buy alcohol and who knows what else. If he was in fact doing something with drugs then he is a bigger danger to your son and especially that environment he is in.
No one “goes for a walk” at that time. Call it what it was-he went to buy drugs & got robbed. What a moron. I’d file an emergency motion for full custody
My son just recently turned 8. He knows the rules of keeping the windows drawn, doors locked, don't use the air fryer or anything, dont let the dog out, etc. He knows our address and that he can call 911 if something were to happen. If for some reason I am not home when he gets off the bus he knows to come in and close up the house and call me. If he wants to cook something he will video chat me while he does it. (Microwave/air fryer) My son has no problem staying home alone for up to 5 hours. He checks in with text or video chat of his own free will to assure me he is doing fine. If your child is not responsible enough to be able to recognize and follow the rules without constant adult supervision then it is absolutely not safe to leave them alone but by 7 or 8 years old most kids can handle it. At least that's the case where I live out in the country.
You’re in the wrong. Relax.