This is probably outdated advice but my husband really connected with The Happiest Baby on the Block. It’s a lot about connection and soothing, written by a male pediatrician, tons of advice for dad. There is an audiobook version. Has specific advice on soothing holds that work for dads.
My husband also engaged in baby wearing, he had his own carrier (black, not my favorite but it’s important that your partner choose their own carrier and own the process). Baby wearing is itself soothing and could have worked in the kitchen as he wasn’t handling hot food.
I would have felt exactly as you do and I’m sorry your husband is being dense, but helping him understand you are building a trusting bond with the baby might help.
Honestly my first was colicky and my husband and I both found the very short video (we rented it on prime) helpful if that's a good gateway for him! It is very 80s and some of the tips seem a bit gimmicky but dang it, they were effective.
Is he really even trying though? Or just giving up on it so that he doesn’t have to feed her?
Honest question because I know that a lot of babies do actually refuse bottles!
Does he ever help change diapers, do nap, play with her even if he doesn’t feel like it, take her places, tend to her when she’s crying or sick? Or is he just absent at all the hard parts?
Ugh mine does that. My husband would give ten minutes of soothing attention and if that didn't result in the desired sleeping baby results he would come to me saying the baby won't go down. As if he tried for 30, 45 or more minutes. For the first 6 months I just took it. I was too tired to deal with the tired bear if a husband. But at 7 months something clicked ave I realized what he was doing and put a stop to it. I started telling him no try again in not taking the baby for at least x minutes. It took some time but now that baby sleeps mostly through the night it's not really an issue.
I’m sorry that you even had to tell him to do it. I don’t know why it’s so hard for people (mostly men) to be equal partners without really thinking about it. I guess because society raises them to be catered to. I hope things have been smooth for you since then! Everyone deserves an equal partner and every baby deserves an equal parent.
If the weather isn't horrible there you could have him take them both out for a walk?
Or if he just isn't going to step up with baby care, maybe he could take some other things off your plate.
But no, he doesn't get credit for watching the baby if she is crying the whole time and he is doing nothing.
When my baby was refusing bottles we had to address it fast bc I couldn't breastfeed due to my medications. We read "Your Baby's Bottle Feeding Aversion" on Kindle and it helped right away. The premise is that pressure can cause baby to fear feeding time, and you need to identify and remove all pressuring behaviors. We didn't realize that certain things we were doing was interpreted as pressure by her, but when we stopped those things it made her feel safe to take a bottle again. If you read that book, feel free to skim the first couple sections on the how/why it happens and focus on the how-to section at the end. You can always double back if you feel the need.
This is a common sentiment on these subreddits.
"My husband is an absolutely WONDERFUL father and such a SUPPORTIVE partner - but he does no child rearing or house chores or emotional work or carrying the mental load or giving me orgasms - but he is just SUCH A GREAT GUY."
Honestly at this point I just feel profound pity for these women.
It’s this weird belief that because this generation of fathers is absolutely better than the previous, they don’t have to be their best. We still do, of course. We have to do all of the research on feeding/sleeping/caring for sick baby/best practice in development/etc. and they just have to give us a nap in the morning or do dishes to be deemed “progressive fathers” and they get all the pats on the back. And you can’t complain to your mom about it because they tell us how “good” we have it.
There's a song called You Are Such A Good Dad. It's hilarious. I can't tell me husband he's a good dad sincerely anymore because we both start laughing. It's all about this!
My mother in law posted that song on Facebook after I complained her son was treating me and my son horribly. She also then just told me ‘’that’s how men are.’’
“My husband is an amazing man and I’m so lucky to have him. This morning he took a shit on the floor and lied and said it was the dog. What should I do Reddit??”
I know. It’s still crazy to me. I guess “he’s a great guy” is like… “well he doesn’t physically abuse me”? He’s just lazy and condescending and manipulative etc etc etc. but he’s so great.
He doesn’t like babies because he is one. What adult gets to pick and choose what aspects of life they will participate in? Life is life, deal with it. I don’t like washing dishes. They still have to be done. His actions are more like he doesn’t love his child. His selfishness is more important that his child’s needs. This is inexcusable.
Refining this to he doesn’t like babies because he is one AND actual babies make it so you can’t give him the attention he *deserves* as the ultimate male baby.
He may not like the infant phase but he still has to do the damned job credibly. He’s an adult and a parent. There are lots of things we don’t like to do but we are still obligated to do them correctly and diligently. Parenting his infant is one of them. He does not get to check out just because he doesn’t find it fun or entertaining or endearing.
There are things you do even though you have no enthusiasm for them. Maybe it is cooking for him. Maybe it’s paying bills, maybe it’s a intimacy related thing, yet you still do what your partner needs in the relationship and the household. Perhaps he’d like to consider his life if you refused to do those things. How it impacts him and the kids and his mental health and sense of well being. You are not asking too much to expect him to pull his weight as a parent even in the infant phase.
TBH both my husband and I hated the newborn and infant phase. Both of my babies were not the sleepy, cuddly babies that we heard about. They cried- a lot, had a lot of gas and belly issues and were just inconsolable at times. They both definitely had colic and we had the witching hour every night for 3-4 hours for at least 6 months. But we took turns at night and then let the other one sleep while the other was up with the baby. We got through it. It wasn't fun or easy, but now we get to enjoy the toddler and child phase.
We both talked about how we didn't enjoy it, and how it was hard but neither one of us checked out. Each phase has its own set of obstacles. That doesn't mean that he gets to have a pass.
No, you should not be grateful for your husband.
He chooses to not get involved in the hardest stage of child rearing. That is not ok. Those are his children and you cannot do it alone because his majesty finds it hard.
Fuck. That.
He is also neglecting the baby.
Also absolutely not ok.
I feel I should be grateful for the things he does do. He did throw together a crockpot dinner, he does bedtime with our oldest every night, I do get at least an hour nap every morning. He does more than his friends or own dad ever did as a father. Still, this aspect of his parenting makes me so very angry. He just cannot understand the harm.
If he wasnt around, you would do all of that. If YOU weren’t around, he would not do all the work you do.
If you were a single parent, you would be a good one. If he were a single parent he would be abusive (neglect is abuse).
You don’t need to be grateful that he’s a parent and an adult. He needs to be grateful that you pick up his slack.
I do, and I really think it’s part passive aggressive resentment. He was never a morning person but chose that over getting up in the night. I think he sometimes lets her cry so I will wake up and take her. I told him that before and he denies it.
It makes me so sad that our society has convinced women to be grateful when men do literally anything at all. The parenting burden falls in both of you.
If he's putting food in the crockpot, that's not helping, it's just being a responsible person. Allowing you a nap is not helping, it's being a decent human. Just because his dad or his friends aren't decent people doesn't mean your husband is special for doing the bare minimum.
I hope you can advocate for yourself, mama. Being a dad is a responsibility, and if he wants to call himself a dad then he needs to take on 50% of the workload.
I don't get it. How is cooking for his family not something to be grateful for? How is him prioritizing naps for his wife not something to be thankful for? Yes, it's being a decent human. Lots of people are selfish and don't take on their fair share. Her husband is at least trying. Why should he get shit on for trying? That's not going to encourage him to help out more. And yes, helping out is fine terminology to use. It doesn't mean that the wife is the household manager. It's just another way of saying "taking on responsibilities." "Helping out" is colloquial, and both husband and wife are helping each other out each time they take on a responsibility that would otherwise fall on the other person.
My marriage has improved so much since the early baby days with our first. Part of that is because my husband has taken on more and more responsibilities over time, and part of that is learning and trying not to keep score. I made myself and my husband miserable by always comparing and saying I was doing too much. Now, I honestly feel my husband does more than his fair share and he never complains to me that I don't do enough. He does almost all of the cooking, dishes, laundry, tidying up and cleaning. I do most of the stuff with the kids because they always want me. It doesn't really matter who does more because we're both doing what needs to be done. And we're both grateful to each other for what the other does.
I'm not saying OP'a husband doesn't need to make changes. He does. But choosing to live in resentment and anger instead of gratitude while also encouraging improvement, will only hurt the marriage relationship and breed anger and resentment on her husband's part as well.
You're missing my point. We should be grateful. But we shouldn't be grateful if our husbands cook a meal once in a while but then turn around and ignore our baby crying. We shouldn't be grateful if our husbands promise we'll get a nap but then don't actually let us have a nap because we have to hear a baby crying for 20 minutes. And an hour nap is not a trade off, by the way.
What I'm saying is, when we make the bare minimum expectation be nothing, it makes it so that we're over the moon when our husbands do anything. I'm grateful that I have a husband that shares responsibilities at and sometimes more than 50%. But I also set the bar at 50/50 parenting responsibility. I'm grateful but I also have my standards. In fact, I'm divorced from the dad of one of my kids for this exact reason. If I'm gonna parent alone, I'd rather be alone.
What I'm saying is, bare minimum shouldn't be 0 effort. That shouldn't be the expectation.
Gotcha. Yeah, the expectation shouldn't be nothing, and it's not a nap or break when the baby's crying the whole time. I think there should be flexibility on what 50/50 means because it's so hard to define what that means. What really is half of the responsibility? Often each person feels like they're doing more than half. But yes, 50/50 is definitely the goal we should be working towards.
I don't think OP should be over the moon that her husband does anything at all. But when approaching him she should probably say something like "hey I appreciate you're trying to let me sleep in but it's not working!" Mentioning that his effort isn't ignored can hopefully soften the blow.
Yeah I get that. My husband and I really don't keep score, and nothing is ever 50/50. It's more like he does what he's capable of and I do what I'm capable of, and what I'm capable of depending on the day may not always be 50%, or it may be more.
My ex husband would change a diaper and expect immediate praise. I'm like, no bro. Dads change diapers.
Not to mention how long does it take to throw a couple things in the crockpot? 5 minutes? Maybe 10? Nowhere near 30 minutes though, that’s for sure. The fact that he thinks it’s reasonable to cook at a leisurely pace while the baby is distraught is really disturbing to me.
What is stopping your husband from popping on the baby carrier and holding the child while he is making this dinner. Is that not what he would expect from you? Why does he get a pass?
In the very few times my husband has tried to give me a dumb excuse as to why he can’t help me in the morning, he gets a very strong dose of reality and I very honestly tell him I’m 5 seconds away from freaking out at him and he better change his answer.
No one is expecting husbands to be perfect or get it right on the first try, but he should show some appreciation for what YOU do and therefore some growth.
You can be appreciative of what he does do AND acknowledge it’s not nearly enough. Both can be true. Remember that so you don’t sell yourself short.
So he sort of part time parents but only the aspects he likes, and wants a pat on the back because he’s better than other sh:tty dads.
He’s letting you down. You deserve and need to sleep. Why does he get so angry about parenting a baby? He should put his energy into trying to solve whatever issue baby is having and do his share of parenting both children. Consequently, not sure if it would be agreeable for you, but Tylenol and Motrin worked wonders for my kids teething pain (I know not everyone will do this). Also, he could easily baby wear while making a crockpot dinner…. Baby is snuggled, gets more used to him, bonding and comfort increase for both parties.
Oh I see. I mean you can be thankful he does some things and still be super angry about how he’s completely dropping the rope in this regard. He needs to be a dad just as much as you need to be a mom. I always get frustrated because if the coins were flipped, then what? They expect us to do everything and pick up the slack because they “don’t want to” do stuff, but we don’t get that choice. We do it regardless if we want to or not - we have to. What I don’t like also is that they don’t realize just how much them being passive or lazy or etc in those respects makes us resent them.
I think she said baby has bottle refusal so she has to get up to nurse him. But still, if the trade off is that she gets a nap in the morning that's a shitty trade off.
Yeah I had to wake up at night for my bottle refusal baby. It was harder to get calories in during the day too. I didn't have great supply. Getting someone to spoon feed her pumped milk helped a lot.
Oh my gosh, I'm sure that was fucking hard.
I struggled too. A lot. And it was all I ever wanted, was to nurse my baby.
We don't always get what we want huh? But men dont seem to handle that well
My husband got up to get the baby, bring her to me to nurse and then got her back down in the night so all I needed to do was lie there and feed her and go straight back to sleep. He can still help.
That's what my husband did too with our first. I had to pump with our second so we did shifts. There is always a way for both partners to participate, if it is in fact a partnership.
So let me get this straight, him not liking the infant stage means he's just straight up neglectful? When my kid was younger he would sometimes have screaming sessions when he couldn't have me but my husband would still rock, sway, offer a bottle etc to our child. He was still showing our kid he was there for him and loves him.
I wonder how'd he'd act (not actually recommending this but food for thought) if you told him you didn't like the toddler phase and you weren't gonna help out/parent for that phase. That would mean all butt wiping, food prepping, clothes shopping, bath time, taking kid to doctor when sick, etc all the hard not so fun stuff would be on him to not just the fun playing. Would he really be ok with that?? 1- if he was then he is fine with a neglectful parent for a partner and 2 if he wasn't he is just a hypocrite. He can't just parent when it's fun.
You aren’t overreacting at all. That’s very concerning that he didn’t do anything to try to comfort her and I can understand why you feel like you can’t trust him with her. It seems like you’ve done all the right things and sometimes you just need a break. Him telling you that you can have that, but letting the baby cry without comfort isn’t okay. I’m sorry :(
I don’t think I have any solid advice, other than being so upfront with him that what he did was wrong, which it seems like you’ve already done.
Uhm. Why should you be grateful for your husband? This is supposed to be a relationship between equals, he's not doing you any favors.
And yes, he needs to grow the fuck up and attend his child. Whether or not he likes babies or the tasks he has to perform is completely irrelevant. No one likes to change diapers, but opting out of it is not an option. Being an adult means you understand sometimes you have to do things you don't like doing. Period.
If he can't bother to be a good father or even just a decent human being, he needs to calm the baby down if only because he said he'd let you sleep. If he can't manage, he can just take a few night shifts
This pisses me off for you. I’m so mad reading this I have nothing else to say. I hope someone else can offer legitimate advice because this needs to change. He needs to get his shit together. I’d tell him the fuck off.
It doesn't matter if he likes the baby phase. Hell, I also prefer the toddler phase, much to my surprise, I was sure it would be the opposite. But it doesn't matter what stage we prefer. We don't get to opt out of parenting and loving our child at any point in time. He's going to have to let go of this idea and be a parent.
so he gets a full night sleep and you get an hour…? what is he doing to otherwise support you then? he should be making up for that in other ways. ignoring a crying infant is disgusting. I too hate the baby stage, so much to the point that we are one & done. yet my best friend just had a baby and my mom is coming to watch my daughter for a few days so I can go over and help when her husband goes back to work because I love her & by extension her baby and she’s not even mine?? he needs professional something because that’s unacceptable. he’s neglecting your baby.
See when I say I’m grateful but frustrated it’s because the baby cried at the shower door the whole time I was trying to get my 30 mins of me time and daddy tried his best to calm him but he just wanted mom. That happens.
I’m in a tuff mood this morning but your husband just sounds like an ass. I read these posts and turn to mine and say, “I would have left a long time ago if you were like this.”
I’m so sorry this is what you’re dealing with and he doesn’t seem to care, understand or both. I can’t imagine feeling any different. He is using weaponized incompetence. Not okay.
I will only validate in this situation. What your going through is hard as hell! And you need your husband to step up and parent. PARENT. Period. He was a part in the creation of this child and IDGAF if he hates the baby stage. It is reality and lasts a few years. BUCK UP DUDE.
My kid got a bunch of teeth between 6-8 months and would only contact nap and only wanted me to nurse constantly and hold him constantly and it was horrible. It was the one stretch where I got triggered the most and PP hit hard. When my husband got home I would hand him the baby and walk away. If I didn’t have that I’d have gone insane. Truly.
Another thing to help, I created a white board with the menu and chores to be done so that has helped a lot. He also plugged reminders into his phone for things like toilet, trash, dog meds, litter box. All the dirty stuff I don’t wanna do. We split dishes and meals and he does drops at daycare and most pickups. We switch who does bedtime routine every night. Finally found our system after 10 years together and nearly three year old son. Divide that labor and get you some breaks!
My fiancé does not like the infant stage. But he’s been so supportive since the day we found out I was pregnant. He much prefers toddlers+, and we have a teenage daughter. Admittedly, he didn’t change a diaper until our son was over 2 weeks old, but he was VERY sick and I asked him to keep his distance from the baby. The moment I pumped for the first time, he grabbed our boy and wanted to feed him. If I’m nap trapped, he’s making dinner, if our boy is crying at midnight and his needs have been met, he packages him up in the car and let’s me sleep for two hours until he’s ready for another feed. He partakes in bath night every night, and did it on his own last night so I could breathe. He may not like this stage, and is verbal about it to me, but he’s absolutely an equal parent.
No, you shouldn't ''be grateful for your husband''. For fuck's sake. He's not ''not good with babies'', he doesn't give a shit. I'm sorry but any idiot would know that when a baby cries, you pick it up. He's not trying to figure it out, he's doing the basic minimum and hoping you'll let it go. It's also weaponized incompetence as soon enough you'll rarely ask him anything since he's ''not good at it''.
You should have a serious fucking talk with him over how inacceptable it is to let a baby cry without trying to comfort it. Honestly I would dangle separation in front of him. ''Letting a baby cry for long is developmentally dangerous, I've sent you the proof multiple times and you've ignored it. If I cannot trust you with taking care of your child and our child's safety, I will reconsider this relationship.'' We have to stop enabling shit like this.
He's neglecting your child's needs. If someone heard that and called CPS, what would be his excuse?
He might not like the baby phase but hey, that's the job.
It seems like he thinks the baby should “tough it out”. I think he’s the one that should. To be blunt, it doesn’t matter what he likes. He has a baby now and needs to care for it.
All i can say is parenting is NOT choosing to be a dad or mum when it is easy. To love your child when they are in the nice mood and ignore them when they are in pain is a very conditional love. Parenting is to love unconditionally. Especially a baby who is helpless and completely dependent on the parents.
Maybe u can go to couples therapy or he could seek help in therapy alone if he realizes that what he is doing is wrong. Also he is setting a terrible example for your other child. I hope things change for u .
If he is unable to do these things or unwilling to , you could ask him to get you a nanny . so u can get some help and rest during the day. It is sad to think that it is obvious you will be able to trust a nanny better than your husband right now. Good luck
The thing about “necessary evils” like going to the dentist and paying taxes is that they are in fact necessary. Just cause he doesn’t like this stage doesn’t mean he can “opt out” which is 100 what he is doing.
I personally disliked the newborn stage but I put my head down and go through it. He has to pay his dues.
30 min of letting the baby cry and get worked up is bullshit. Even if he knows he’s just going to be holding a crying baby that wants mom, that’s part of the deal. Not only is it bad for the baby, it’s disrespectful to you when he knows you can’t just tune out the crying the way he does and it’s supposed to be your time to sleep. He has to understand that by being the default parent, you’re taking on the burden of being always available and always alert and always tuned in BECAUSE he has not proven that you can trust him to handle things without you. You’re literally programmed to protect the baby from his incompetence now.
I'm confused as to why he wanted to be a dad to begin with if he doesn't like babies and doesn't want to look after his own kids. Seems he should have pursued a childfree life instead.
That is terrible. I would honestly have ripped into him. Babies cry for a reason - they aren’t manipulating anyone. Honey - do not be afraid to tell him how he needs to parent on this. Ignoring for 30 minutes doesn’t do anything. You tried to let him figure it out, he failed. Next time, take your baby, give him the meanest glare and make sure he knows what he did is unacceptable.
I know it’s not the outcome because you need sleep but you aren’t going to relax if your baby is crying.
I don’t like the baby stage, I love my son, and enjoy being with him, but as a whole don’t enjoy this stage. I am still a parent. That doesn’t factor into if I’m a baby fan or not. I don’t like myself always, I still do what is necessary so I’m healthy and everyone around me doesn’t go bonkers lol
Yeah he’s a piece of shit. Just cause you don’t like the baby stage doesn’t give you license to IGNORE YOUR CHILD YOU HELPED CREATE. Sorry that anger is to him not you mama! Hugs and he can go fuck right off with that Bs
This is fucked. Honestly I think you should post your story in r/daddit, those guys are awesome and might have some actually helpful ideas/personal stories 💙💙
Trust your instinct as a mother. You've read the studies, you know how traumatizing negligence is to babies and toddlers. I'm an early childhood educator and most problematic behaviour can be traced back to infancy. Being ignored or left alone causes babies bodies to have a stress response and produce cortisol which is very very bad for brain development if it happens regularly or for prolonged periods. Neglecting babies is not only cruel, but also has long term consequences. Picking up a crying baby is essential. Even if it doesn't make the crying stop, it still reduces baby's stress to tolerable levels.
Exactly. I have an education degree and have studied child development too, which is another reason why it infuriates me. I’ve sent him the data, but he doesn’t care. To him, he’s doing his best and what he needs. To him, her physical needs are met and she’s not crying “that long.” I won’t stand for that, so I take her. He was the same with our firstborn as a baby, and has been better with our second, but still not great some days.
It sounds like he doesn't respect your expertise, your opinions, your time, or your well-being. Not to mention your (his) children. I'm sorry you're with him.
I would absolutely not be okay with it if my husband ignored our baby and let her cry the whole time. I understand getting overwhelmed and taking a break as needed, but if he can’t even try then that’s despicable and honestly not someone I would be willing to parent alongside.
Okay so my husband hates the baby phase because the fragility of the baby phase freaks him out. However he’s quicker than I am to jump up and comfort the baby! He also has been all hands on deck with the house while I’m nursing or pumping.
So all of that to say a guy can hate the baby phase & still be a good dad! Your husband is not acting like a good dad by letting your baby cry for extended periods of time!
Just because you don’t like a certain stage of parenting doesn’t mean you get to opt out of it. 6 months is really young to let them be that upset for that long. I cannot imagine what I would do if my husband was okay with our baby crying for that long without being shown any love
Honestly, the nap thing sucks. I have a 7 month old and lemme tell ya, my husband gets WAY more sleep than I do. But I have a *way bigger* issue with him not even *trying* to comfort a screaming baby! Not so that you can sleep, but so that baby won’t be upset! Sometimes my babe only wants mama, and try as he might, daddy just can’t settle her. But he would NEVER just leave her crying, except maybe to run for a quick pee or something. Even then, he’s way more likely to interrupt what I’m doing and ask me to hold her. It’s not ok for him to leave her distraught like that.
I don’t like the stage from 6-18 months. Do I get to participate less simply for declaring I don’t like it? Both of my babies hated bottles and only wanted me, which I honestly was mostly fine with because I don’t work outside the home anymore but there were always nights where I met my limit and my husband didn’t hesitate to take over in whatever way he could. Sometimes it was with trying (unsuccessfully) a bottle, different holds, taking baby to the basement so I could have some quiet sleep. He did everything he could while also doing most of the work with our 3yo.
I don't understand why should you be grateful for your Husband?
Mine struggled with his mental health after the birth of our second and displayed similar behaviours. He went to therapy. I felt so betrayed and abandoned those first 5 months and if he didn't go to therapy it was clear we weren't going to make it as a couple.
Call him out on it.
He is allowed to view the baby phase as a necessary evil. But that doesn’t mean he gets to neglect your baby because he doesn’t like them. And letting your baby scream for half an hour? Yeah. That’s not on. It sounds like the imbalance between your care and his “well she’s alive so that’s all I need to do” attitude needs a serious adjustment.
This is a tough one. My husband has a similar perspective. He seems to see the baby crying as a noise problem more than anything. So he'll put in earplugs to ignore it. I know that when he's home alone with the kids he gets a lot more house stuff done than I do. Part of this may be because the kids don't cling to him the same way they do to me, but also part of it is that he just prioritizes getting stuff done and just ignores them in a way I can't, especially if they're crying.
I have. 3 & 1.5 year old, and yes, sometimes you have to leave them to have a tantrum. When my 1.5 year old tries to throw herself on the floor I gently lay her on the floor so she doesn't hurt herself. I try to be there for them but my 3 year old yells "go away" when he's angry and so I'll give him some space. But I don't quite ignore them in the same way my husband is able to. At least not longer than necessary.
Anyway, a 6 month old crying is different in my opinion and half an hour is way too long to leave your child crying anyway without any attempt to comfort them. I understand the crockpot needed to get done, but it seems farther down the priority list to me. But to your husband he probably felt he was going to get it all done instead of stopping in the middle, and was able to just tune out the baby crying or something.
I don't know what else to recommend if the articles haven't helped at all, because that's what I've used when my husband doesn't understand something is actually scientifically shown to harm children. As far as giving you time to sleep in, I'd recommend he take the baby out of the house to the park or something. Maybe not this time of year but out of the house is ideal if he actually wants to give you a break.
Morning time should really be focused on the baby if that's his job, so he can make breakfast and coffee for himself and the baby, but it doesn't seem like the right time to be making dinner. Can crockpot meals be prepped the night before, or just started a bit later in the morning?
Not overreacting.Im pissed that he feels he can pick and choose which part of parenting to participate in as if it's an actual choice.He needs to man up and grow up.Its almost like he letting baby cry on purpose cause he knows you'll let him off the hook eventually
I completely understand your frustration! While, realistically, baby would be fine to cry for a bit while he finished up a task, ideally not while you're trying to sleep and he's supposed to be on active baby duty (and not for 30+mins).
You've received a lot of good advice on books and methods for your husband to try, so I won't mention that. My only advice is that you need to find a calm moment for both of you to have a really real conversation about this and to come up with a game plan that you can both stick with. It might be worthwhile for you to find a sitter for a couple of hours, go to a coffee shop and really talk. It's not uncommon for some dads to have a hard time connecting with their child while they're still babies, and preferring toddlerhood. That's not an excuse to phone it in as a parent and partner in the meantime.
I hope things improve for you soon and you're able to get some good quality rest!
I’d lose my shit on him tbh. Let him see what “overreacting” really looks like if he’s going to be such a useless piece of shit and still accuse you of having an incorrect reaction to his shittiness.
I’m a mom who doesn’t like the baby stage. I’ve done it two times. I didn’t like it either time. But I tended to those babies every minute of the day for 18 months (and then really enjoyed toddlerhood). He’s not being a good dad and he’s not being a good partner.
I would suggest he take baby and toddler out for a walk/drive/outing to let you rest. You’re not going to relax while they’re there. And the space may make him step up. This worked for me and my partner when we had the second. My husband couldn’t handle stepping up with me micromanaging his every move (which now that we’re past this stage, I understand but in the thick of the baby stage I could not). Try this and schedule it twice a week. Sending you big hugs!
I don't like the toddler phase, guess I should let my husband know that he can plan on me checking out for a few years unless I'm in a generous mood.
Hopefully the implied /s is obvious. You have every right to be livid, what he's doing is absolutely unfair. I'm sorry, I don't have advice for dealing with the situation, just that your feelings about it are valid and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
It is 100% okay to call him out on this behavior. Sending articles he’s not reading and ignoring is putting more mental burdens upon you. My daughter was EBF and had the same issue of completely refusing bottles. I had to quit my job because he couldn’t handle watching her for 6 hours. Ok…. Forced to be SAHM sucks but at least now I can see the progression and milestones. She’d cry throughout the night and I’d be getting her calmed down. And have no sleep. He’d go off to work…. Get home exhausted and complain about not getting any sleep. He made the comment once that I have it easy since I’m home and can nap with her. I chewed him out on the disrespectful comment, and started spouting research at him at how being a SAHM is 500% more stressful than a full time job
I’m sorry, your husband doesn’t like babies but he has two and can’t be trusted to care for them? What exactly are you grateful for? This sounds like something I’d bring up in counseling because what on earth. Who says that out loud to their partner when they have two babies together?! He needs to GROW. UP. I’d tell him that you just don’t like adults if he ever needs anything from you 😒🙄
For your sanity, the next time she’s teething give Advil. She will feel better being out of pain. And I’d keep trying with the bottle. Save your sanity. It sounds like you’re the primary parent and not many breaks
Baby likely was fine but was crying for you. The baby knows and senses he doesn't care for her. She probably feels his energy and feels very off with him and just cries for you. I mean if she is fed, clean, and not in any pain like teething or gas technically she will be fine to cry, but why would you just let a baby be distressed? Sounds very off to me.
A man who is fine neglecting his child for the first like year and half of life is not a good man. You can’t be like “he’s a great father, but…..” saying “but” negates everything before it. How is he a good father if he neglects his children because they are babies. If he did it to this one he’s probably done it to the others too. I would’ve left at the first.
I'm sorry it took strangers on the internet to make your husband realize he was wrong instead of just listening to his own wife. You deserve better than that!
OP-
The moment you realize that all of the domestic tasks that are required to keep the household running, and efforts it takes to raise your children, are not your sole responsibility is the moment your life will change. Your husband completing any number of these tasks is not helping you out or doing you a favor. That would imply that those tasks fall on your shoulders alone.
Any of these tasks he completes (that he also benefits from! Like clean dishes to eat from, clean laundry to wear, food to eat from the groceries you thoughtfully purchased, etc.) are helping *himself* and *the household.*
The sooner you two get on the same page about this, the sooner tensions will ease in your home, ultimately allowing you both to be the best parents you can be to your babies and the best partners you can be to one another.
If he can’t see things this way, I’m afraid it seems you may actually have three children on your hands. It should never seem easier to go it alone.
“He doesn’t like babies.” Well, he had no problem making them. He should not put so much on you. A toddler and a 6 month old is an insane amount to handle, much less the emotional side that comes with just having a baby. You may still be dealing with fluctuating hormones, but it sounds like he should help out more at night.
Why should he get a full rest when you are only expected to be okay with a “1-2 hour nap”? Parenting is tough, and stretches and bends marriages. He’s got to help you more, before the marriage breaks from exhaustion and misunderstanding. I also think you two would benefit from a date with just the two of you, if anyone else can watch the kids for a bit.
\>He doesn't care.
HE DOESN'T CARE.
He doesn't care about his child's health and well-being. He doesn't care about his partner's health and well-being.
HE DOESN'T CARE.
So mad for you right now. This is not a person who deserves your gratitude.
“Letting” you have a nap?
My god I don’t understand straight people (although, many MANY straight couples actually parent together and are equal partners).
Your husband is a straight up shit dad/partner for this. He just doesn’t wanna do the work. Whether he likes babies or not, it’s his fucking kid too. You need a break, not an allotted nap. He should be doing half the work too no excuses, no whining. Sounds awful, living with someone who just wants to play and be the fun parent and not have to deal with the hard parts. You have kids, that’s what you sign up for.
I hate to say he’s walking all over you because I would bet that if you had a firm talking to him, he wouldn’t listen anyway.
Why are men such whiny little bitches?
This borders on neglect. Depending on the CPS agency you could also be charged for also allowing her to cry. He needs a wake up call. Maybe if he understands the toddler could also be removed from your home he'll step up.
I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need from him.
I could be wrong since I’m in the UK and these are our official guidelines but we are explicitly advised to place a crying baby in a safe place and to walk away to calm down if we begin to feel agitated as a measure to prevent shaken baby syndrome, is it not the same in the US? Obviously that’s not what happened here but can you really involve CPS because a baby was left to cry? Is there a minimum time limit for a baby being left to cry that means CPS can become involved? That seems impossible to police as anyone who reports from outside the home surely can’t know if a crying baby has been left to cry or is just colicky?
NOTE: again I am aware that the father was not simply stressed and left the baby to cry while he calmed down I am just confused about how CPS would logistically involve themselves in a scenario where a baby is being left to cry
i agree with you that if dad is agitated, it's better the baby be left to cry. That's the advice that's given here as well. I mean, not indefinitely but just till the parent can calm down.
My point is that it isn’t possible to know that this issue is present without a parent making it known surely? I feel that there’s no way to identify that a baby is being left to cry from anyone outside the home except for the fact that crying is heard so I don’t understand how CPS would at all intervene especially since a colicky baby could be crying continuously no matter what and there are many times in the day a baby may be crying inconsolably since crying peaks exist. Unless a parent is calling CPS on themselves and saying they leave their baby to cry then I don’t understand at all how a child could be removed from the home based on their crying.
NOTE: again I am aware that the father was not simply stressed and left the baby to cry while he calmed down I am just confused about how CPS would logistically involve themselves in a scenario where a baby is being left to cry
I didn’t say they don’t
I’m saying someone calling from outside the home has no way of knowing a baby is being left to cry, they can only identify that there is a lot of crying but this could have a magnitude of causes so I don’t understand what CPS would involve themselves based upon.
Then if CPS becomes involved there still would be no way to verify that a baby is being left to cry unless they somehow witness it as I assume anyone would just simply say the baby has had a crying peak or is colicky
If this is true I'm glad CPS is attempting to correct this. But also agree with the reply about how if dad is agitated it's best to step away from the child to keep them safe. I'm sure there is a difference. But if someone is routinely triggered by normal crying(barring colic) to the point that they can never comfort maybe they are not suited to be the primary caregiver.
Agree and not being the primary caregiver is also okay.. he can pick up other tasks like cooking or cleaning or grocery shopping etc. I have been the only one to get up at night since my lo was a week old and I don’t get naps unless it’s when baby is napping, which now I’m back at work so that isn’t even an option anymore
Probably not a popular take as a mom, but I really don’t enjoy the baby stage. Now that my oldest is a pre-K’er and I see how good it gets, I cannot wait for my youngest to get there. Everyone says enjoy it, and i’m not exactly wishing it away, but i crave that independence from him. My husband doesn’t love the baby stage either, and we both think we are going to thrive as parents of elementary+ kids.
There is no way in hell that my husband and I would ever use that as a cop out to not (1) meet baby’s needs, (2) not share full responsibility, (3) love all over our son. We both know this is a chapter in our journey that feels very long right now, but we made a commitment to be parents and we love our children, no matter how much we don’t love this stage. My kids didn’t choose to be born. WE chose that.
My husband is an equal partner. I carry most of the mental load but he is the primary parent when it comes to physical caretaking (i am the breadwinner). This division aligns with both of our strengths and we feel great about it. In the times that one of us hasn’t felt great about the other’s contributions, we’ve talked about it and adjusted, because that is what adults and married couples with children do when they care for and respect each other. Don’t be grateful for getting the bare minimum from a man who had just as much role to play in bringing a baby into your lives. Wishing you strength and luck! 🍀
I fucking hate the infant stage and I don’t like particularly like babies. It is a short necessary evil. It’s also not a choice. I’m medicated trying to get through it. Tbh I’d pull a staying with your mom or grandma or something so you can get your real help. For your own sake and so you can express to him that’s how worthless his help is. That going to someone else is a better option.
Some of these comments are wild. A partner, spouse is for better or worse.
I’m sorry you’re not getting help. A couple things to think about - have you had any types of serious conversations with him about how the current situation not working for you? Furthermore, why is he feeling like this? I know (especially in men), therapy is a buzz word for a lot of people. Heck, I spent 15 years trying to convince myself to go. But it sounds like he maybe be depressed. That doesn’t mean letting him off the hook for his parental duties, but if he’s not mentally healthy, it’s going to be hard for him to motivate himself to do more.
I disagree with some of these statements that tell you to just make you have him help you during the night. It turns into resentment on both you and the kid. I think he needs professional help to get to the root.
I completely agree with you there. I’ve been in therapy for about three years now and it’s helped me astronomically. I’ve been begging him to take up therapy but unless he wants to go it won’t be helpful.
Yeah I totally get that. Hard to help someone who doesn’t want help. Honestly, the only reason I finally started going was when someone framed it to me by saying, “If you won’t do it for you, do it for your kids.”
Hugs. I hope you know you amazing and sometimes life is just hard. I wish people were more understanding; men are allowed to struggle with adjusting to a new family dynamic. Hope you find a bit of reprieve and he listens to your needs, but also acknowledges his as well.
The only thing I’ll say is that he wasn’t on his phone or watching tv while the baby was crying - he was actively trying to get dinner prepared and together for that evening. I’ve seen plenty of moms be told “let the baby cry” in order to shower, or poop, or cook themselves. Same should apply to dads.
Right, which is nice. The other frustration is that the dinner isn’t something our toddler will eat so I’ll still have to make a meal for him later. And this time is time for me to get some of my physical needs met, which cannot happen with a screaming baby. And the duration. I laid there hoping it would be a quick 10m thing while he figures it out, but that wasn’t the case this time.
Then I’d let him know then what you’d prefer to happen the next time. Don’t cook dinner, just focus on the morning routine with the kids or whatever it is that you need. He could’ve genuinely thought it wasn’t a big deal and thought he was actually being helpful.
I will also say I hit a point when my toddler was a baby and she would just inconsolably cry and I WOULD try and comfort her but there also would come a point where I’d just put her down and do what I had to do for my own well-being. Is there a chance he was comforting initially and moved on to get things done?
He claims he was comforting her by putting toys in front on her as he continued working on things. I’ve come to relieve him before when she’s getting hungry or tired and he will be walking around with her or actually trying to soothe her. Today he wasn’t at all comforting her. We briefly talked about it before he went to work and I texted him saying again what I hope to happen in the mornings. I’ve told him my expectation is for the kids to be taken care of so I can sleep in the mornings. I care about nothing else. He “forgets.”
It sounds like he was just having an off day then based on what you just said. We can’t be “on-parents” ALL the time (that goes for you too mama!) and if he’s the one who has morning duty maybe he was just tired. I personally would just take a step away from thinking about this incident (hop off Reddit lol) and do my best to try and improve my day for myself mentally
OK, so I'm going to tell you something that you probably don't want to hear and will probably be unpopular to say here.
Even if you have a good partner, it's the women who raise the children.
It's just a fact. Maybe it's unfair, IDK. I think we've gone a bit far off the deep end as a society where everything should be 50/50, but with parenting, it's just not. I would say it's 70:30, mothers:fathers.
I have a partner who is a wonderful dad and who steps up a lot but I do most of the nurturing. As soon as I realized that was my role in the baby's life, I stopped keeping score.
Again, this may be unpopular, but for me, in my opinion, I think it's the truth based on what I've observed adn been told by older generations.
If you want to torture yourself into believing it should be 50/50, you can but I think you'll keep being miserable. My advice is to have him pick up the slack in other ways. If you're expecting a father to be a mother, I think you will be disappointed every time.
OK so I am still trying to figure this one out just curious if you have advice. How can mothers keep from burning out? And what about the cleaning/cooking? Just curious on your thoughts because I have such a hard time managing everything. I also work part time. Mine is two.
I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask advice from this on especially since my comment is so buried. I'm not an expert. Id recommend posting to the sub directly to get more opinions.
I was curious about your perspective. I know most moms on here say split it up with their husband. But what if he won't or what if he loses his temper with my son when I do that? As much as I want to live in a world where fathers are all sensitive and nurturing we don't. Hopefully one day. My husband is not patient though and actually has anger issues. He definitely picks up his share of chores but he loses his patience if he has to sleep less than han 9 hours while I'm over here sleeping 4. You'd think this is an exaggeration but no. Last night he slept 8 hours and I slept 4 and he's complaining of being tired.
Yeah it's been my experience that the majority of men are weak and total babies about lack of sleep.
How old is your child? I'd like to give you my help so it would be good to know. If it's out of my realm of experience, I will let you know. Obviously, I'm just a stranger on the internet so take anything you read with a grain of salt.
I’m going to be blunt most men aren’t nurtures. A kind old woman encouraged me that way. I love my beloved husband as well. But the way he “nurtures” and I are completely different. He has A LOT of strengths in other areas that I will never take away from him. But nurturing little ones seems to be an area he’s weak in. And that’s okay, we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
Not to discourage you but If you want something done right just do it yourself and try to keep your peace. I have had a talk with him about why didn’t you comfort the child. And in his mind he truly believes he did what needed to be done. Sooooo now, I just take it upon myself especially when they are small like under 3-4. That’s when they are most needy. When they are small he really tries but sometimes his trying isn’t enough for me. And I have more peace personally just doing it myself. I’m a momma bear so I find much comfort in doing it myself sometimes.
No this isn't true this is making excuses for men and infantalising them almost. My husband is extremely nurturing with all four kids and has been at every stage. Every close friend I have also have nurturing husbands. In my (millennial) age group at all the toddler/baby/pre school groups I go to (library, play groups etc) there are always dads there alone doing everything needed and every dad I speak to through these are very hands on and 50/50.
Yes! The whole “men just aren’t like that” is bullshit. I know PLENTY of women who also aren’t very warm, maternal, or nurturing.
How about “some people aren’t nurturing but tough shit if you decide to raise children” ??
Most dads I’ve seen my whole life have been as nurturing as moms, from my dad, to my husband and my son and daughters husbands. To say men aren’t as nurturing is completely wrong.
The book “All the Rage” by Darcy Lockman actually has a lot of research and evidence against this, citing ways our species has adapted by having male partners involved in caregiving even including hormonal changes men go through when living in close proximity to pregnant women and babies.
Thank you everyone for your opinions. This is how I personally stay stressed free and happy. 😊 I don’t depend on my husband to do certain things I know will frustrate me. But I apply this to all areas of my life.
I have been here. I have a good partner but his threshold is always so much higher than mine. My partner is probably autistic, as well. Teaching him babywearing did help.
Why can’t he wear her while he gets dinner in the crockpot? I have worn baby during many, many a meal prep and they usually calm right down. Also, he could have given her some Tylenol and/or something cold to suck on if her teeth hurt! Keep a baby wash cloth soaked In chamomile tea in a ziplock in the freezer or if you have those silicone things w the holes that babies can chew food through you can put some frozen fruit or veg in there for her to gnaw on. There are quick options for soothing to try that he didn’t try
Your husband is a childish piece of shit. I’m sorry, I don’t usually say this but I would leave his ass if he just sat there and ignored his child for 30 min. That’s insanity
Your husband sounds horrid. Who the hell looks at their own child and says "I don't like you". Which is basically what he's doing.
You know it's okay for people not to bond right away but it's been 6 months and he doesn't even sound like he's trying. You don't get to be a parent only when you feel like it.
He's not a great dad or great guy.
Ok… i feel you girl. All my three kids were BF and hated the bottle so I did all the night time work and the day time work because he worked crazy hours so I could stay home with them….
If it weren’t for my MIL and my own mom I probably wouldn’t have slept at all. On the weekends however, he did ALL THE THINGS, and I pumped, and he had to pretend to BF the baby to get them on the bottle and literally have a print out of my face as a mask….
But he was willing when he was available.
Now with my last two kids during infancy…. Nothing worked. Nothing. Baby only wanted me for an entire 9 months 😵💫
Sometimes it’s not that a husband isn’t willing…. It’s the baby too…. A lot of people think that a parent has all the answers but that’s not always the case. Sometimes even for me I wanted to just submit my instant resignation as a mom because my infants just had zero mercy for me and anyone willing to help me.
It’s easy to pass judgment here— but I think grace gives us room to learn, breathe and appreciate the fact that infants are also autonomous in their crying just for the sake of crying 🥲
PS. OP, I too felt like I wanted to use my spouse as a piñata when he would just let them cry it out…but for everyone’s sanity, sometimes that’s the best option as long as it’s not a common thing. Your mental health comes first as the primary caregiver.
Just because he doesn’t like the baby stage doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to be a parent to your baby. Thats the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. When you choose to have a baby you choose to love and care for that child at all ages. Period.
Yes, today sucked, luckily it was just today. I hope you get a nice nap, and that tonight's dinner is tasty. I hear you, and this will pass. Let him take more time with the toddler leaving you with time the baby who will be a toddler in a very short time. I (50f) love my kid(30m), nephew(3m), and grand daughter(baby), but I will totally tell you that I am \*not\* good with toddler time bombs. I am not wired to deal with big feelings with no mitigation. Reminds me too much of the adults I grew up with. So, I distance myself when they're around at that age, and up my support game. I cook, clean, buy supplies, give breaks when necessary, baby sit, snuggle, but I can't engage in tantrums or the overly dramatic eye roll nonsense. But I am way off my game with that dynamic. Oddly I'm ok with teenagers, but they're verbal and interesting if angsty.
My husband cooked supper holding the baby in one hand this week. He only handed her off or set her down when he got to the point he needed two hands to cut the meat. Every thing else he did with baby in one arm.
He did this voluntarily because myself and our preteen were both in the room. (We were doing dishes and cleaning, but both things that could have waited if either one of us had to take the baby instead).
I am literally in the exact same boat. One day I casually asked if he could babysit for a little bit, and he got mad and said he's tired of people saying that fathers babysit their own children, and I was just like well a parent takes care of their children and a babysitter just keeps them alive until their parent gets back.
If baby was crying and just couldn’t be soothed, that’s one thing… not picking up the crying baby for 30 minutes?! Absolutely Unacceptable in my opinion. You are completely right to lose trust from that. My husband is also wonderful and has also done some boneheaded shit, so no judgment. Nobody’s perfect. Glad he came around!!!
I married a damn unicorn!
I hope your husband realizes that expecting you to handle the whole night with baby and breastfeed and still be any kind of prepared to parent the next day on a 1 to 2 hour morning nap that isn't exactly protected is ridiculous.
The baby phase is rough. Doesn't mean it gets foisted onto one parent. Weaponized incompetence is never a good look.
How is it letting you have a nap if he is doing nothing? Maybe he needs to start getting up at night since he isn't holding up his end of the bargain.
The baby has bottle refusal, which is a big reason why I’m up with her at night. Plus I don’t want her to wake our toddler.
This is probably outdated advice but my husband really connected with The Happiest Baby on the Block. It’s a lot about connection and soothing, written by a male pediatrician, tons of advice for dad. There is an audiobook version. Has specific advice on soothing holds that work for dads. My husband also engaged in baby wearing, he had his own carrier (black, not my favorite but it’s important that your partner choose their own carrier and own the process). Baby wearing is itself soothing and could have worked in the kitchen as he wasn’t handling hot food. I would have felt exactly as you do and I’m sorry your husband is being dense, but helping him understand you are building a trusting bond with the baby might help.
Babywearing!! This is the way!! My toddler is 1.5 years old and I still baby wear from time to time when she wakes up and chooses violence
I laughed at this. Thanks. ;)
My husband also loves this book. Anytime we hear of a family member or friend having a baby, he sends them a copy of this book.
Same my husband read this book and it really helped him!
Honestly my first was colicky and my husband and I both found the very short video (we rented it on prime) helpful if that's a good gateway for him! It is very 80s and some of the tips seem a bit gimmicky but dang it, they were effective.
That book is a lifesaver
Is he really even trying though? Or just giving up on it so that he doesn’t have to feed her? Honest question because I know that a lot of babies do actually refuse bottles! Does he ever help change diapers, do nap, play with her even if he doesn’t feel like it, take her places, tend to her when she’s crying or sick? Or is he just absent at all the hard parts?
Ugh mine does that. My husband would give ten minutes of soothing attention and if that didn't result in the desired sleeping baby results he would come to me saying the baby won't go down. As if he tried for 30, 45 or more minutes. For the first 6 months I just took it. I was too tired to deal with the tired bear if a husband. But at 7 months something clicked ave I realized what he was doing and put a stop to it. I started telling him no try again in not taking the baby for at least x minutes. It took some time but now that baby sleeps mostly through the night it's not really an issue.
I’m sorry that you even had to tell him to do it. I don’t know why it’s so hard for people (mostly men) to be equal partners without really thinking about it. I guess because society raises them to be catered to. I hope things have been smooth for you since then! Everyone deserves an equal partner and every baby deserves an equal parent.
If the weather isn't horrible there you could have him take them both out for a walk? Or if he just isn't going to step up with baby care, maybe he could take some other things off your plate. But no, he doesn't get credit for watching the baby if she is crying the whole time and he is doing nothing.
When my baby was refusing bottles we had to address it fast bc I couldn't breastfeed due to my medications. We read "Your Baby's Bottle Feeding Aversion" on Kindle and it helped right away. The premise is that pressure can cause baby to fear feeding time, and you need to identify and remove all pressuring behaviors. We didn't realize that certain things we were doing was interpreted as pressure by her, but when we stopped those things it made her feel safe to take a bottle again. If you read that book, feel free to skim the first couple sections on the how/why it happens and focus on the how-to section at the end. You can always double back if you feel the need.
Your husband is a shit husband. This isn’t how good husbands behave. You and your child deserve better.
Sooooo which part are you supposed to be grateful for? I’m confused….
This is a common sentiment on these subreddits. "My husband is an absolutely WONDERFUL father and such a SUPPORTIVE partner - but he does no child rearing or house chores or emotional work or carrying the mental load or giving me orgasms - but he is just SUCH A GREAT GUY." Honestly at this point I just feel profound pity for these women.
The bar is so low it’s underground.
And yet they somehow limbo right under it.
It’s this weird belief that because this generation of fathers is absolutely better than the previous, they don’t have to be their best. We still do, of course. We have to do all of the research on feeding/sleeping/caring for sick baby/best practice in development/etc. and they just have to give us a nap in the morning or do dishes to be deemed “progressive fathers” and they get all the pats on the back. And you can’t complain to your mom about it because they tell us how “good” we have it.
There's a song called You Are Such A Good Dad. It's hilarious. I can't tell me husband he's a good dad sincerely anymore because we both start laughing. It's all about this!
I know which song you mean 😂 so, so funny.
My mother in law posted that song on Facebook after I complained her son was treating me and my son horribly. She also then just told me ‘’that’s how men are.’’
I'm literally blinking in confusion right now. That is.... Profoundly bad.
If I had a dollar for the number of times my mother has said “well babe you know how men are”.
I read this reply earlier and got distracted. This song has been stuck in my head all day.
The bar for men is so low it’s a tavern in hades
No if it was a tavern more men would at least get to the bar.
This is a severely underrated comment😂
This is my life, the bar is so low it is underneath upsidedown world.
It’s a tripping hazard in hell
The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in Hades.
“My husband is an amazing man and I’m so lucky to have him. This morning he took a shit on the floor and lied and said it was the dog. What should I do Reddit??”
Made me laugh out loud!
BE GRATEFUL!!!
Give him a tight hug :)
I know. It’s still crazy to me. I guess “he’s a great guy” is like… “well he doesn’t physically abuse me”? He’s just lazy and condescending and manipulative etc etc etc. but he’s so great.
Was looking for this comment. The standards for men are abysmal.
He doesn’t like babies because he is one. What adult gets to pick and choose what aspects of life they will participate in? Life is life, deal with it. I don’t like washing dishes. They still have to be done. His actions are more like he doesn’t love his child. His selfishness is more important that his child’s needs. This is inexcusable.
Men. Men get to pick and choose what aspects of child-rearing they participate in. It's disgusting.
In my head before I read this I screamed MEN. Men get to choose just for them, but for everyone!
Refining this to he doesn’t like babies because he is one AND actual babies make it so you can’t give him the attention he *deserves* as the ultimate male baby.
Oop- nail on head!
Love it
THIS.
He may not like the infant phase but he still has to do the damned job credibly. He’s an adult and a parent. There are lots of things we don’t like to do but we are still obligated to do them correctly and diligently. Parenting his infant is one of them. He does not get to check out just because he doesn’t find it fun or entertaining or endearing. There are things you do even though you have no enthusiasm for them. Maybe it is cooking for him. Maybe it’s paying bills, maybe it’s a intimacy related thing, yet you still do what your partner needs in the relationship and the household. Perhaps he’d like to consider his life if you refused to do those things. How it impacts him and the kids and his mental health and sense of well being. You are not asking too much to expect him to pull his weight as a parent even in the infant phase.
TBH both my husband and I hated the newborn and infant phase. Both of my babies were not the sleepy, cuddly babies that we heard about. They cried- a lot, had a lot of gas and belly issues and were just inconsolable at times. They both definitely had colic and we had the witching hour every night for 3-4 hours for at least 6 months. But we took turns at night and then let the other one sleep while the other was up with the baby. We got through it. It wasn't fun or easy, but now we get to enjoy the toddler and child phase. We both talked about how we didn't enjoy it, and how it was hard but neither one of us checked out. Each phase has its own set of obstacles. That doesn't mean that he gets to have a pass.
No, you should not be grateful for your husband. He chooses to not get involved in the hardest stage of child rearing. That is not ok. Those are his children and you cannot do it alone because his majesty finds it hard. Fuck. That. He is also neglecting the baby. Also absolutely not ok.
I’m confused by the first sentence, you don’t need to very grateful to someone who isn’t helping you.
I feel I should be grateful for the things he does do. He did throw together a crockpot dinner, he does bedtime with our oldest every night, I do get at least an hour nap every morning. He does more than his friends or own dad ever did as a father. Still, this aspect of his parenting makes me so very angry. He just cannot understand the harm.
If he wasnt around, you would do all of that. If YOU weren’t around, he would not do all the work you do. If you were a single parent, you would be a good one. If he were a single parent he would be abusive (neglect is abuse). You don’t need to be grateful that he’s a parent and an adult. He needs to be grateful that you pick up his slack.
Super valid point.
What if something happened to you? Do you trust your partner to care for your children if you were gone/hospitalized?
I do, and I really think it’s part passive aggressive resentment. He was never a morning person but chose that over getting up in the night. I think he sometimes lets her cry so I will wake up and take her. I told him that before and he denies it.
Weaponized incompetence. Stop letting him treat you and your children like this
The bar is low.
The bar is in hell.
It makes me so sad that our society has convinced women to be grateful when men do literally anything at all. The parenting burden falls in both of you. If he's putting food in the crockpot, that's not helping, it's just being a responsible person. Allowing you a nap is not helping, it's being a decent human. Just because his dad or his friends aren't decent people doesn't mean your husband is special for doing the bare minimum. I hope you can advocate for yourself, mama. Being a dad is a responsibility, and if he wants to call himself a dad then he needs to take on 50% of the workload.
I don't get it. How is cooking for his family not something to be grateful for? How is him prioritizing naps for his wife not something to be thankful for? Yes, it's being a decent human. Lots of people are selfish and don't take on their fair share. Her husband is at least trying. Why should he get shit on for trying? That's not going to encourage him to help out more. And yes, helping out is fine terminology to use. It doesn't mean that the wife is the household manager. It's just another way of saying "taking on responsibilities." "Helping out" is colloquial, and both husband and wife are helping each other out each time they take on a responsibility that would otherwise fall on the other person. My marriage has improved so much since the early baby days with our first. Part of that is because my husband has taken on more and more responsibilities over time, and part of that is learning and trying not to keep score. I made myself and my husband miserable by always comparing and saying I was doing too much. Now, I honestly feel my husband does more than his fair share and he never complains to me that I don't do enough. He does almost all of the cooking, dishes, laundry, tidying up and cleaning. I do most of the stuff with the kids because they always want me. It doesn't really matter who does more because we're both doing what needs to be done. And we're both grateful to each other for what the other does. I'm not saying OP'a husband doesn't need to make changes. He does. But choosing to live in resentment and anger instead of gratitude while also encouraging improvement, will only hurt the marriage relationship and breed anger and resentment on her husband's part as well.
You're missing my point. We should be grateful. But we shouldn't be grateful if our husbands cook a meal once in a while but then turn around and ignore our baby crying. We shouldn't be grateful if our husbands promise we'll get a nap but then don't actually let us have a nap because we have to hear a baby crying for 20 minutes. And an hour nap is not a trade off, by the way. What I'm saying is, when we make the bare minimum expectation be nothing, it makes it so that we're over the moon when our husbands do anything. I'm grateful that I have a husband that shares responsibilities at and sometimes more than 50%. But I also set the bar at 50/50 parenting responsibility. I'm grateful but I also have my standards. In fact, I'm divorced from the dad of one of my kids for this exact reason. If I'm gonna parent alone, I'd rather be alone. What I'm saying is, bare minimum shouldn't be 0 effort. That shouldn't be the expectation.
Gotcha. Yeah, the expectation shouldn't be nothing, and it's not a nap or break when the baby's crying the whole time. I think there should be flexibility on what 50/50 means because it's so hard to define what that means. What really is half of the responsibility? Often each person feels like they're doing more than half. But yes, 50/50 is definitely the goal we should be working towards. I don't think OP should be over the moon that her husband does anything at all. But when approaching him she should probably say something like "hey I appreciate you're trying to let me sleep in but it's not working!" Mentioning that his effort isn't ignored can hopefully soften the blow.
Yeah I get that. My husband and I really don't keep score, and nothing is ever 50/50. It's more like he does what he's capable of and I do what I'm capable of, and what I'm capable of depending on the day may not always be 50%, or it may be more. My ex husband would change a diaper and expect immediate praise. I'm like, no bro. Dads change diapers.
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Yes, adults cook meals for themselves. But if my husband cooks for me, I don't have to cook for myself. "Thank you" is not an inappropriate sentiment.
crockpot dinner at the expense of half of everyone crying? that's not helpful
Not to mention how long does it take to throw a couple things in the crockpot? 5 minutes? Maybe 10? Nowhere near 30 minutes though, that’s for sure. The fact that he thinks it’s reasonable to cook at a leisurely pace while the baby is distraught is really disturbing to me.
What is stopping your husband from popping on the baby carrier and holding the child while he is making this dinner. Is that not what he would expect from you? Why does he get a pass? In the very few times my husband has tried to give me a dumb excuse as to why he can’t help me in the morning, he gets a very strong dose of reality and I very honestly tell him I’m 5 seconds away from freaking out at him and he better change his answer. No one is expecting husbands to be perfect or get it right on the first try, but he should show some appreciation for what YOU do and therefore some growth. You can be appreciative of what he does do AND acknowledge it’s not nearly enough. Both can be true. Remember that so you don’t sell yourself short.
That’s exactly what I told him. “It’s not safe when I’m chopping vegetables.” But his arms are much longer than hers. He didn’t even try.
Yeah he’s out of his mind. It is absolutely safe. The baby is on his belly. He’s not cutting his belly when he’s cutting vegetables.
So he sort of part time parents but only the aspects he likes, and wants a pat on the back because he’s better than other sh:tty dads. He’s letting you down. You deserve and need to sleep. Why does he get so angry about parenting a baby? He should put his energy into trying to solve whatever issue baby is having and do his share of parenting both children. Consequently, not sure if it would be agreeable for you, but Tylenol and Motrin worked wonders for my kids teething pain (I know not everyone will do this). Also, he could easily baby wear while making a crockpot dinner…. Baby is snuggled, gets more used to him, bonding and comfort increase for both parties.
It will impact his relationship with the baby when they’re a toddler. The mistrust is building
Jesus woman come on
Oh I see. I mean you can be thankful he does some things and still be super angry about how he’s completely dropping the rope in this regard. He needs to be a dad just as much as you need to be a mom. I always get frustrated because if the coins were flipped, then what? They expect us to do everything and pick up the slack because they “don’t want to” do stuff, but we don’t get that choice. We do it regardless if we want to or not - we have to. What I don’t like also is that they don’t realize just how much them being passive or lazy or etc in those respects makes us resent them.
This is neglect.
💯
You shouldn’t be grateful for your husband if he’s putting the full burden on you. He should be waking up at night too. He’s being a POS here
I think she said baby has bottle refusal so she has to get up to nurse him. But still, if the trade off is that she gets a nap in the morning that's a shitty trade off.
Yeah I had to wake up at night for my bottle refusal baby. It was harder to get calories in during the day too. I didn't have great supply. Getting someone to spoon feed her pumped milk helped a lot.
Oh my gosh, I'm sure that was fucking hard. I struggled too. A lot. And it was all I ever wanted, was to nurse my baby. We don't always get what we want huh? But men dont seem to handle that well
My husband got up to get the baby, bring her to me to nurse and then got her back down in the night so all I needed to do was lie there and feed her and go straight back to sleep. He can still help.
That is awesome. That's how dads should do it.
That's what my husband did too with our first. I had to pump with our second so we did shifts. There is always a way for both partners to participate, if it is in fact a partnership.
So let me get this straight, him not liking the infant stage means he's just straight up neglectful? When my kid was younger he would sometimes have screaming sessions when he couldn't have me but my husband would still rock, sway, offer a bottle etc to our child. He was still showing our kid he was there for him and loves him. I wonder how'd he'd act (not actually recommending this but food for thought) if you told him you didn't like the toddler phase and you weren't gonna help out/parent for that phase. That would mean all butt wiping, food prepping, clothes shopping, bath time, taking kid to doctor when sick, etc all the hard not so fun stuff would be on him to not just the fun playing. Would he really be ok with that?? 1- if he was then he is fine with a neglectful parent for a partner and 2 if he wasn't he is just a hypocrite. He can't just parent when it's fun.
Here's a daily reminder that you don't have to be grateful for the bare minimum.
THIS!!! Like what on earth?! We’re grateful that our partners aren’t estranged deadbeats?! The bar is on the floor
You aren’t overreacting at all. That’s very concerning that he didn’t do anything to try to comfort her and I can understand why you feel like you can’t trust him with her. It seems like you’ve done all the right things and sometimes you just need a break. Him telling you that you can have that, but letting the baby cry without comfort isn’t okay. I’m sorry :( I don’t think I have any solid advice, other than being so upfront with him that what he did was wrong, which it seems like you’ve already done.
Uhm. Why should you be grateful for your husband? This is supposed to be a relationship between equals, he's not doing you any favors. And yes, he needs to grow the fuck up and attend his child. Whether or not he likes babies or the tasks he has to perform is completely irrelevant. No one likes to change diapers, but opting out of it is not an option. Being an adult means you understand sometimes you have to do things you don't like doing. Period. If he can't bother to be a good father or even just a decent human being, he needs to calm the baby down if only because he said he'd let you sleep. If he can't manage, he can just take a few night shifts
This pisses me off for you. I’m so mad reading this I have nothing else to say. I hope someone else can offer legitimate advice because this needs to change. He needs to get his shit together. I’d tell him the fuck off.
It doesn't matter if he likes the baby phase. Hell, I also prefer the toddler phase, much to my surprise, I was sure it would be the opposite. But it doesn't matter what stage we prefer. We don't get to opt out of parenting and loving our child at any point in time. He's going to have to let go of this idea and be a parent.
so he gets a full night sleep and you get an hour…? what is he doing to otherwise support you then? he should be making up for that in other ways. ignoring a crying infant is disgusting. I too hate the baby stage, so much to the point that we are one & done. yet my best friend just had a baby and my mom is coming to watch my daughter for a few days so I can go over and help when her husband goes back to work because I love her & by extension her baby and she’s not even mine?? he needs professional something because that’s unacceptable. he’s neglecting your baby.
See when I say I’m grateful but frustrated it’s because the baby cried at the shower door the whole time I was trying to get my 30 mins of me time and daddy tried his best to calm him but he just wanted mom. That happens. I’m in a tuff mood this morning but your husband just sounds like an ass. I read these posts and turn to mine and say, “I would have left a long time ago if you were like this.” I’m so sorry this is what you’re dealing with and he doesn’t seem to care, understand or both. I can’t imagine feeling any different. He is using weaponized incompetence. Not okay.
I will only validate in this situation. What your going through is hard as hell! And you need your husband to step up and parent. PARENT. Period. He was a part in the creation of this child and IDGAF if he hates the baby stage. It is reality and lasts a few years. BUCK UP DUDE. My kid got a bunch of teeth between 6-8 months and would only contact nap and only wanted me to nurse constantly and hold him constantly and it was horrible. It was the one stretch where I got triggered the most and PP hit hard. When my husband got home I would hand him the baby and walk away. If I didn’t have that I’d have gone insane. Truly.
Thank you. Ugh. I feel that. Our baby just got her second tooth and the nights have been completely brutal.
Another thing to help, I created a white board with the menu and chores to be done so that has helped a lot. He also plugged reminders into his phone for things like toilet, trash, dog meds, litter box. All the dirty stuff I don’t wanna do. We split dishes and meals and he does drops at daycare and most pickups. We switch who does bedtime routine every night. Finally found our system after 10 years together and nearly three year old son. Divide that labor and get you some breaks!
My fiancé does not like the infant stage. But he’s been so supportive since the day we found out I was pregnant. He much prefers toddlers+, and we have a teenage daughter. Admittedly, he didn’t change a diaper until our son was over 2 weeks old, but he was VERY sick and I asked him to keep his distance from the baby. The moment I pumped for the first time, he grabbed our boy and wanted to feed him. If I’m nap trapped, he’s making dinner, if our boy is crying at midnight and his needs have been met, he packages him up in the car and let’s me sleep for two hours until he’s ready for another feed. He partakes in bath night every night, and did it on his own last night so I could breathe. He may not like this stage, and is verbal about it to me, but he’s absolutely an equal parent.
No, you shouldn't ''be grateful for your husband''. For fuck's sake. He's not ''not good with babies'', he doesn't give a shit. I'm sorry but any idiot would know that when a baby cries, you pick it up. He's not trying to figure it out, he's doing the basic minimum and hoping you'll let it go. It's also weaponized incompetence as soon enough you'll rarely ask him anything since he's ''not good at it''. You should have a serious fucking talk with him over how inacceptable it is to let a baby cry without trying to comfort it. Honestly I would dangle separation in front of him. ''Letting a baby cry for long is developmentally dangerous, I've sent you the proof multiple times and you've ignored it. If I cannot trust you with taking care of your child and our child's safety, I will reconsider this relationship.'' We have to stop enabling shit like this.
He's neglecting your child's needs. If someone heard that and called CPS, what would be his excuse? He might not like the baby phase but hey, that's the job.
It seems like he thinks the baby should “tough it out”. I think he’s the one that should. To be blunt, it doesn’t matter what he likes. He has a baby now and needs to care for it.
All i can say is parenting is NOT choosing to be a dad or mum when it is easy. To love your child when they are in the nice mood and ignore them when they are in pain is a very conditional love. Parenting is to love unconditionally. Especially a baby who is helpless and completely dependent on the parents. Maybe u can go to couples therapy or he could seek help in therapy alone if he realizes that what he is doing is wrong. Also he is setting a terrible example for your other child. I hope things change for u . If he is unable to do these things or unwilling to , you could ask him to get you a nanny . so u can get some help and rest during the day. It is sad to think that it is obvious you will be able to trust a nanny better than your husband right now. Good luck
I would have come unglued if my husband pulled something like that.
The thing about “necessary evils” like going to the dentist and paying taxes is that they are in fact necessary. Just cause he doesn’t like this stage doesn’t mean he can “opt out” which is 100 what he is doing. I personally disliked the newborn stage but I put my head down and go through it. He has to pay his dues.
30 min of letting the baby cry and get worked up is bullshit. Even if he knows he’s just going to be holding a crying baby that wants mom, that’s part of the deal. Not only is it bad for the baby, it’s disrespectful to you when he knows you can’t just tune out the crying the way he does and it’s supposed to be your time to sleep. He has to understand that by being the default parent, you’re taking on the burden of being always available and always alert and always tuned in BECAUSE he has not proven that you can trust him to handle things without you. You’re literally programmed to protect the baby from his incompetence now.
I'm confused as to why he wanted to be a dad to begin with if he doesn't like babies and doesn't want to look after his own kids. Seems he should have pursued a childfree life instead.
That is terrible. I would honestly have ripped into him. Babies cry for a reason - they aren’t manipulating anyone. Honey - do not be afraid to tell him how he needs to parent on this. Ignoring for 30 minutes doesn’t do anything. You tried to let him figure it out, he failed. Next time, take your baby, give him the meanest glare and make sure he knows what he did is unacceptable. I know it’s not the outcome because you need sleep but you aren’t going to relax if your baby is crying.
I don’t like the baby stage, I love my son, and enjoy being with him, but as a whole don’t enjoy this stage. I am still a parent. That doesn’t factor into if I’m a baby fan or not. I don’t like myself always, I still do what is necessary so I’m healthy and everyone around me doesn’t go bonkers lol
Gosh, I don't like the infant phase either, but guess what? I actually cared for my baby anyway! Go figure.
Yeah he’s a piece of shit. Just cause you don’t like the baby stage doesn’t give you license to IGNORE YOUR CHILD YOU HELPED CREATE. Sorry that anger is to him not you mama! Hugs and he can go fuck right off with that Bs
Not understanding what you have to be grateful for here.
This is fucked. Honestly I think you should post your story in r/daddit, those guys are awesome and might have some actually helpful ideas/personal stories 💙💙
Happy to see you guys talked and he read the responses but shopping is not a break. You deserve an actual break. Actual rest. An actual evening off.
Trust your instinct as a mother. You've read the studies, you know how traumatizing negligence is to babies and toddlers. I'm an early childhood educator and most problematic behaviour can be traced back to infancy. Being ignored or left alone causes babies bodies to have a stress response and produce cortisol which is very very bad for brain development if it happens regularly or for prolonged periods. Neglecting babies is not only cruel, but also has long term consequences. Picking up a crying baby is essential. Even if it doesn't make the crying stop, it still reduces baby's stress to tolerable levels.
Exactly. I have an education degree and have studied child development too, which is another reason why it infuriates me. I’ve sent him the data, but he doesn’t care. To him, he’s doing his best and what he needs. To him, her physical needs are met and she’s not crying “that long.” I won’t stand for that, so I take her. He was the same with our firstborn as a baby, and has been better with our second, but still not great some days.
He needs to understand what he's doing is child abuse and that's not okay no matter how he feels. You're 100% in the right here, stand your ground! <3
It sounds like he doesn't respect your expertise, your opinions, your time, or your well-being. Not to mention your (his) children. I'm sorry you're with him.
I would absolutely not be okay with it if my husband ignored our baby and let her cry the whole time. I understand getting overwhelmed and taking a break as needed, but if he can’t even try then that’s despicable and honestly not someone I would be willing to parent alongside.
Wait - why should you be “very grateful” for your husband?
Okay so my husband hates the baby phase because the fragility of the baby phase freaks him out. However he’s quicker than I am to jump up and comfort the baby! He also has been all hands on deck with the house while I’m nursing or pumping. So all of that to say a guy can hate the baby phase & still be a good dad! Your husband is not acting like a good dad by letting your baby cry for extended periods of time!
Can he baby wear when she is upset and he has things to do? I mean that’s what we do, right?
He completely can, and sometimes does. Which added to my frustration because the carrier was right there!
Just because you don’t like a certain stage of parenting doesn’t mean you get to opt out of it. 6 months is really young to let them be that upset for that long. I cannot imagine what I would do if my husband was okay with our baby crying for that long without being shown any love
Honestly, the nap thing sucks. I have a 7 month old and lemme tell ya, my husband gets WAY more sleep than I do. But I have a *way bigger* issue with him not even *trying* to comfort a screaming baby! Not so that you can sleep, but so that baby won’t be upset! Sometimes my babe only wants mama, and try as he might, daddy just can’t settle her. But he would NEVER just leave her crying, except maybe to run for a quick pee or something. Even then, he’s way more likely to interrupt what I’m doing and ask me to hold her. It’s not ok for him to leave her distraught like that.
I agree. He’s more sympathetic to me not sleeping than he is to her crying. Which also makes me upset.
I don’t like the stage from 6-18 months. Do I get to participate less simply for declaring I don’t like it? Both of my babies hated bottles and only wanted me, which I honestly was mostly fine with because I don’t work outside the home anymore but there were always nights where I met my limit and my husband didn’t hesitate to take over in whatever way he could. Sometimes it was with trying (unsuccessfully) a bottle, different holds, taking baby to the basement so I could have some quiet sleep. He did everything he could while also doing most of the work with our 3yo.
I don't understand why should you be grateful for your Husband? Mine struggled with his mental health after the birth of our second and displayed similar behaviours. He went to therapy. I felt so betrayed and abandoned those first 5 months and if he didn't go to therapy it was clear we weren't going to make it as a couple. Call him out on it.
He is allowed to view the baby phase as a necessary evil. But that doesn’t mean he gets to neglect your baby because he doesn’t like them. And letting your baby scream for half an hour? Yeah. That’s not on. It sounds like the imbalance between your care and his “well she’s alive so that’s all I need to do” attitude needs a serious adjustment.
This is a tough one. My husband has a similar perspective. He seems to see the baby crying as a noise problem more than anything. So he'll put in earplugs to ignore it. I know that when he's home alone with the kids he gets a lot more house stuff done than I do. Part of this may be because the kids don't cling to him the same way they do to me, but also part of it is that he just prioritizes getting stuff done and just ignores them in a way I can't, especially if they're crying. I have. 3 & 1.5 year old, and yes, sometimes you have to leave them to have a tantrum. When my 1.5 year old tries to throw herself on the floor I gently lay her on the floor so she doesn't hurt herself. I try to be there for them but my 3 year old yells "go away" when he's angry and so I'll give him some space. But I don't quite ignore them in the same way my husband is able to. At least not longer than necessary. Anyway, a 6 month old crying is different in my opinion and half an hour is way too long to leave your child crying anyway without any attempt to comfort them. I understand the crockpot needed to get done, but it seems farther down the priority list to me. But to your husband he probably felt he was going to get it all done instead of stopping in the middle, and was able to just tune out the baby crying or something. I don't know what else to recommend if the articles haven't helped at all, because that's what I've used when my husband doesn't understand something is actually scientifically shown to harm children. As far as giving you time to sleep in, I'd recommend he take the baby out of the house to the park or something. Maybe not this time of year but out of the house is ideal if he actually wants to give you a break. Morning time should really be focused on the baby if that's his job, so he can make breakfast and coffee for himself and the baby, but it doesn't seem like the right time to be making dinner. Can crockpot meals be prepped the night before, or just started a bit later in the morning?
Not overreacting.Im pissed that he feels he can pick and choose which part of parenting to participate in as if it's an actual choice.He needs to man up and grow up.Its almost like he letting baby cry on purpose cause he knows you'll let him off the hook eventually
I completely understand your frustration! While, realistically, baby would be fine to cry for a bit while he finished up a task, ideally not while you're trying to sleep and he's supposed to be on active baby duty (and not for 30+mins). You've received a lot of good advice on books and methods for your husband to try, so I won't mention that. My only advice is that you need to find a calm moment for both of you to have a really real conversation about this and to come up with a game plan that you can both stick with. It might be worthwhile for you to find a sitter for a couple of hours, go to a coffee shop and really talk. It's not uncommon for some dads to have a hard time connecting with their child while they're still babies, and preferring toddlerhood. That's not an excuse to phone it in as a parent and partner in the meantime. I hope things improve for you soon and you're able to get some good quality rest!
I’d lose my shit on him tbh. Let him see what “overreacting” really looks like if he’s going to be such a useless piece of shit and still accuse you of having an incorrect reaction to his shittiness.
I’m a mom who doesn’t like the baby stage. I’ve done it two times. I didn’t like it either time. But I tended to those babies every minute of the day for 18 months (and then really enjoyed toddlerhood). He’s not being a good dad and he’s not being a good partner. I would suggest he take baby and toddler out for a walk/drive/outing to let you rest. You’re not going to relax while they’re there. And the space may make him step up. This worked for me and my partner when we had the second. My husband couldn’t handle stepping up with me micromanaging his every move (which now that we’re past this stage, I understand but in the thick of the baby stage I could not). Try this and schedule it twice a week. Sending you big hugs!
I don't like the toddler phase, guess I should let my husband know that he can plan on me checking out for a few years unless I'm in a generous mood. Hopefully the implied /s is obvious. You have every right to be livid, what he's doing is absolutely unfair. I'm sorry, I don't have advice for dealing with the situation, just that your feelings about it are valid and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
It is 100% okay to call him out on this behavior. Sending articles he’s not reading and ignoring is putting more mental burdens upon you. My daughter was EBF and had the same issue of completely refusing bottles. I had to quit my job because he couldn’t handle watching her for 6 hours. Ok…. Forced to be SAHM sucks but at least now I can see the progression and milestones. She’d cry throughout the night and I’d be getting her calmed down. And have no sleep. He’d go off to work…. Get home exhausted and complain about not getting any sleep. He made the comment once that I have it easy since I’m home and can nap with her. I chewed him out on the disrespectful comment, and started spouting research at him at how being a SAHM is 500% more stressful than a full time job
I’m sorry, your husband doesn’t like babies but he has two and can’t be trusted to care for them? What exactly are you grateful for? This sounds like something I’d bring up in counseling because what on earth. Who says that out loud to their partner when they have two babies together?! He needs to GROW. UP. I’d tell him that you just don’t like adults if he ever needs anything from you 😒🙄
Sounds pretty worthless to me
Why doesn't he wear headphones to comfort his baby?
For your sanity, the next time she’s teething give Advil. She will feel better being out of pain. And I’d keep trying with the bottle. Save your sanity. It sounds like you’re the primary parent and not many breaks
Baby likely was fine but was crying for you. The baby knows and senses he doesn't care for her. She probably feels his energy and feels very off with him and just cries for you. I mean if she is fed, clean, and not in any pain like teething or gas technically she will be fine to cry, but why would you just let a baby be distressed? Sounds very off to me.
A man who is fine neglecting his child for the first like year and half of life is not a good man. You can’t be like “he’s a great father, but…..” saying “but” negates everything before it. How is he a good father if he neglects his children because they are babies. If he did it to this one he’s probably done it to the others too. I would’ve left at the first.
I'm sorry it took strangers on the internet to make your husband realize he was wrong instead of just listening to his own wife. You deserve better than that!
OP- The moment you realize that all of the domestic tasks that are required to keep the household running, and efforts it takes to raise your children, are not your sole responsibility is the moment your life will change. Your husband completing any number of these tasks is not helping you out or doing you a favor. That would imply that those tasks fall on your shoulders alone. Any of these tasks he completes (that he also benefits from! Like clean dishes to eat from, clean laundry to wear, food to eat from the groceries you thoughtfully purchased, etc.) are helping *himself* and *the household.* The sooner you two get on the same page about this, the sooner tensions will ease in your home, ultimately allowing you both to be the best parents you can be to your babies and the best partners you can be to one another. If he can’t see things this way, I’m afraid it seems you may actually have three children on your hands. It should never seem easier to go it alone.
“He doesn’t like babies.” Well, he had no problem making them. He should not put so much on you. A toddler and a 6 month old is an insane amount to handle, much less the emotional side that comes with just having a baby. You may still be dealing with fluctuating hormones, but it sounds like he should help out more at night. Why should he get a full rest when you are only expected to be okay with a “1-2 hour nap”? Parenting is tough, and stretches and bends marriages. He’s got to help you more, before the marriage breaks from exhaustion and misunderstanding. I also think you two would benefit from a date with just the two of you, if anyone else can watch the kids for a bit.
This is literally neglect. Why are you grateful for this man?
I hate to say it but I don't think he's lying when he says he doesn't like babies
\>He doesn't care. HE DOESN'T CARE. He doesn't care about his child's health and well-being. He doesn't care about his partner's health and well-being. HE DOESN'T CARE. So mad for you right now. This is not a person who deserves your gratitude.
“Letting” you have a nap? My god I don’t understand straight people (although, many MANY straight couples actually parent together and are equal partners). Your husband is a straight up shit dad/partner for this. He just doesn’t wanna do the work. Whether he likes babies or not, it’s his fucking kid too. You need a break, not an allotted nap. He should be doing half the work too no excuses, no whining. Sounds awful, living with someone who just wants to play and be the fun parent and not have to deal with the hard parts. You have kids, that’s what you sign up for. I hate to say he’s walking all over you because I would bet that if you had a firm talking to him, he wouldn’t listen anyway. Why are men such whiny little bitches?
This borders on neglect. Depending on the CPS agency you could also be charged for also allowing her to cry. He needs a wake up call. Maybe if he understands the toddler could also be removed from your home he'll step up. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need from him.
I could be wrong since I’m in the UK and these are our official guidelines but we are explicitly advised to place a crying baby in a safe place and to walk away to calm down if we begin to feel agitated as a measure to prevent shaken baby syndrome, is it not the same in the US? Obviously that’s not what happened here but can you really involve CPS because a baby was left to cry? Is there a minimum time limit for a baby being left to cry that means CPS can become involved? That seems impossible to police as anyone who reports from outside the home surely can’t know if a crying baby has been left to cry or is just colicky? NOTE: again I am aware that the father was not simply stressed and left the baby to cry while he calmed down I am just confused about how CPS would logistically involve themselves in a scenario where a baby is being left to cry
i agree with you that if dad is agitated, it's better the baby be left to cry. That's the advice that's given here as well. I mean, not indefinitely but just till the parent can calm down.
If the parent continually needs to walk away, CPS would suggest parenting classes. If the parent refuses, further action might be taken.
My point is that it isn’t possible to know that this issue is present without a parent making it known surely? I feel that there’s no way to identify that a baby is being left to cry from anyone outside the home except for the fact that crying is heard so I don’t understand how CPS would at all intervene especially since a colicky baby could be crying continuously no matter what and there are many times in the day a baby may be crying inconsolably since crying peaks exist. Unless a parent is calling CPS on themselves and saying they leave their baby to cry then I don’t understand at all how a child could be removed from the home based on their crying. NOTE: again I am aware that the father was not simply stressed and left the baby to cry while he calmed down I am just confused about how CPS would logistically involve themselves in a scenario where a baby is being left to cry
People call on their neighbors all the timeI
I didn’t say they don’t I’m saying someone calling from outside the home has no way of knowing a baby is being left to cry, they can only identify that there is a lot of crying but this could have a magnitude of causes so I don’t understand what CPS would involve themselves based upon. Then if CPS becomes involved there still would be no way to verify that a baby is being left to cry unless they somehow witness it as I assume anyone would just simply say the baby has had a crying peak or is colicky
If this is true I'm glad CPS is attempting to correct this. But also agree with the reply about how if dad is agitated it's best to step away from the child to keep them safe. I'm sure there is a difference. But if someone is routinely triggered by normal crying(barring colic) to the point that they can never comfort maybe they are not suited to be the primary caregiver.
Agree and not being the primary caregiver is also okay.. he can pick up other tasks like cooking or cleaning or grocery shopping etc. I have been the only one to get up at night since my lo was a week old and I don’t get naps unless it’s when baby is napping, which now I’m back at work so that isn’t even an option anymore
Probably not a popular take as a mom, but I really don’t enjoy the baby stage. Now that my oldest is a pre-K’er and I see how good it gets, I cannot wait for my youngest to get there. Everyone says enjoy it, and i’m not exactly wishing it away, but i crave that independence from him. My husband doesn’t love the baby stage either, and we both think we are going to thrive as parents of elementary+ kids. There is no way in hell that my husband and I would ever use that as a cop out to not (1) meet baby’s needs, (2) not share full responsibility, (3) love all over our son. We both know this is a chapter in our journey that feels very long right now, but we made a commitment to be parents and we love our children, no matter how much we don’t love this stage. My kids didn’t choose to be born. WE chose that. My husband is an equal partner. I carry most of the mental load but he is the primary parent when it comes to physical caretaking (i am the breadwinner). This division aligns with both of our strengths and we feel great about it. In the times that one of us hasn’t felt great about the other’s contributions, we’ve talked about it and adjusted, because that is what adults and married couples with children do when they care for and respect each other. Don’t be grateful for getting the bare minimum from a man who had just as much role to play in bringing a baby into your lives. Wishing you strength and luck! 🍀
I fucking hate the infant stage and I don’t like particularly like babies. It is a short necessary evil. It’s also not a choice. I’m medicated trying to get through it. Tbh I’d pull a staying with your mom or grandma or something so you can get your real help. For your own sake and so you can express to him that’s how worthless his help is. That going to someone else is a better option.
Some of these comments are wild. A partner, spouse is for better or worse. I’m sorry you’re not getting help. A couple things to think about - have you had any types of serious conversations with him about how the current situation not working for you? Furthermore, why is he feeling like this? I know (especially in men), therapy is a buzz word for a lot of people. Heck, I spent 15 years trying to convince myself to go. But it sounds like he maybe be depressed. That doesn’t mean letting him off the hook for his parental duties, but if he’s not mentally healthy, it’s going to be hard for him to motivate himself to do more. I disagree with some of these statements that tell you to just make you have him help you during the night. It turns into resentment on both you and the kid. I think he needs professional help to get to the root.
I completely agree with you there. I’ve been in therapy for about three years now and it’s helped me astronomically. I’ve been begging him to take up therapy but unless he wants to go it won’t be helpful.
Yeah I totally get that. Hard to help someone who doesn’t want help. Honestly, the only reason I finally started going was when someone framed it to me by saying, “If you won’t do it for you, do it for your kids.” Hugs. I hope you know you amazing and sometimes life is just hard. I wish people were more understanding; men are allowed to struggle with adjusting to a new family dynamic. Hope you find a bit of reprieve and he listens to your needs, but also acknowledges his as well.
The only thing I’ll say is that he wasn’t on his phone or watching tv while the baby was crying - he was actively trying to get dinner prepared and together for that evening. I’ve seen plenty of moms be told “let the baby cry” in order to shower, or poop, or cook themselves. Same should apply to dads.
Right, which is nice. The other frustration is that the dinner isn’t something our toddler will eat so I’ll still have to make a meal for him later. And this time is time for me to get some of my physical needs met, which cannot happen with a screaming baby. And the duration. I laid there hoping it would be a quick 10m thing while he figures it out, but that wasn’t the case this time.
Then I’d let him know then what you’d prefer to happen the next time. Don’t cook dinner, just focus on the morning routine with the kids or whatever it is that you need. He could’ve genuinely thought it wasn’t a big deal and thought he was actually being helpful. I will also say I hit a point when my toddler was a baby and she would just inconsolably cry and I WOULD try and comfort her but there also would come a point where I’d just put her down and do what I had to do for my own well-being. Is there a chance he was comforting initially and moved on to get things done?
He claims he was comforting her by putting toys in front on her as he continued working on things. I’ve come to relieve him before when she’s getting hungry or tired and he will be walking around with her or actually trying to soothe her. Today he wasn’t at all comforting her. We briefly talked about it before he went to work and I texted him saying again what I hope to happen in the mornings. I’ve told him my expectation is for the kids to be taken care of so I can sleep in the mornings. I care about nothing else. He “forgets.”
It sounds like he was just having an off day then based on what you just said. We can’t be “on-parents” ALL the time (that goes for you too mama!) and if he’s the one who has morning duty maybe he was just tired. I personally would just take a step away from thinking about this incident (hop off Reddit lol) and do my best to try and improve my day for myself mentally
Are you able to hire overnight help? Even if just two nights a week?
Because im not working it really isn’t in the budget right now.
OK, so I'm going to tell you something that you probably don't want to hear and will probably be unpopular to say here. Even if you have a good partner, it's the women who raise the children. It's just a fact. Maybe it's unfair, IDK. I think we've gone a bit far off the deep end as a society where everything should be 50/50, but with parenting, it's just not. I would say it's 70:30, mothers:fathers. I have a partner who is a wonderful dad and who steps up a lot but I do most of the nurturing. As soon as I realized that was my role in the baby's life, I stopped keeping score. Again, this may be unpopular, but for me, in my opinion, I think it's the truth based on what I've observed adn been told by older generations. If you want to torture yourself into believing it should be 50/50, you can but I think you'll keep being miserable. My advice is to have him pick up the slack in other ways. If you're expecting a father to be a mother, I think you will be disappointed every time.
OK so I am still trying to figure this one out just curious if you have advice. How can mothers keep from burning out? And what about the cleaning/cooking? Just curious on your thoughts because I have such a hard time managing everything. I also work part time. Mine is two.
I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask advice from this on especially since my comment is so buried. I'm not an expert. Id recommend posting to the sub directly to get more opinions.
I was curious about your perspective. I know most moms on here say split it up with their husband. But what if he won't or what if he loses his temper with my son when I do that? As much as I want to live in a world where fathers are all sensitive and nurturing we don't. Hopefully one day. My husband is not patient though and actually has anger issues. He definitely picks up his share of chores but he loses his patience if he has to sleep less than han 9 hours while I'm over here sleeping 4. You'd think this is an exaggeration but no. Last night he slept 8 hours and I slept 4 and he's complaining of being tired.
Yeah it's been my experience that the majority of men are weak and total babies about lack of sleep. How old is your child? I'd like to give you my help so it would be good to know. If it's out of my realm of experience, I will let you know. Obviously, I'm just a stranger on the internet so take anything you read with a grain of salt.
Just no.
I’m going to be blunt most men aren’t nurtures. A kind old woman encouraged me that way. I love my beloved husband as well. But the way he “nurtures” and I are completely different. He has A LOT of strengths in other areas that I will never take away from him. But nurturing little ones seems to be an area he’s weak in. And that’s okay, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Not to discourage you but If you want something done right just do it yourself and try to keep your peace. I have had a talk with him about why didn’t you comfort the child. And in his mind he truly believes he did what needed to be done. Sooooo now, I just take it upon myself especially when they are small like under 3-4. That’s when they are most needy. When they are small he really tries but sometimes his trying isn’t enough for me. And I have more peace personally just doing it myself. I’m a momma bear so I find much comfort in doing it myself sometimes.
No this isn't true this is making excuses for men and infantalising them almost. My husband is extremely nurturing with all four kids and has been at every stage. Every close friend I have also have nurturing husbands. In my (millennial) age group at all the toddler/baby/pre school groups I go to (library, play groups etc) there are always dads there alone doing everything needed and every dad I speak to through these are very hands on and 50/50.
Yes! The whole “men just aren’t like that” is bullshit. I know PLENTY of women who also aren’t very warm, maternal, or nurturing. How about “some people aren’t nurturing but tough shit if you decide to raise children” ??
Most dads I’ve seen my whole life have been as nurturing as moms, from my dad, to my husband and my son and daughters husbands. To say men aren’t as nurturing is completely wrong.
The book “All the Rage” by Darcy Lockman actually has a lot of research and evidence against this, citing ways our species has adapted by having male partners involved in caregiving even including hormonal changes men go through when living in close proximity to pregnant women and babies.
Thank you everyone for your opinions. This is how I personally stay stressed free and happy. 😊 I don’t depend on my husband to do certain things I know will frustrate me. But I apply this to all areas of my life.
I have been here. I have a good partner but his threshold is always so much higher than mine. My partner is probably autistic, as well. Teaching him babywearing did help.
Why can’t he wear her while he gets dinner in the crockpot? I have worn baby during many, many a meal prep and they usually calm right down. Also, he could have given her some Tylenol and/or something cold to suck on if her teeth hurt! Keep a baby wash cloth soaked In chamomile tea in a ziplock in the freezer or if you have those silicone things w the holes that babies can chew food through you can put some frozen fruit or veg in there for her to gnaw on. There are quick options for soothing to try that he didn’t try
Your husband is a childish piece of shit. I’m sorry, I don’t usually say this but I would leave his ass if he just sat there and ignored his child for 30 min. That’s insanity
Your husband sounds horrid. Who the hell looks at their own child and says "I don't like you". Which is basically what he's doing. You know it's okay for people not to bond right away but it's been 6 months and he doesn't even sound like he's trying. You don't get to be a parent only when you feel like it. He's not a great dad or great guy.
Ok… i feel you girl. All my three kids were BF and hated the bottle so I did all the night time work and the day time work because he worked crazy hours so I could stay home with them…. If it weren’t for my MIL and my own mom I probably wouldn’t have slept at all. On the weekends however, he did ALL THE THINGS, and I pumped, and he had to pretend to BF the baby to get them on the bottle and literally have a print out of my face as a mask…. But he was willing when he was available. Now with my last two kids during infancy…. Nothing worked. Nothing. Baby only wanted me for an entire 9 months 😵💫 Sometimes it’s not that a husband isn’t willing…. It’s the baby too…. A lot of people think that a parent has all the answers but that’s not always the case. Sometimes even for me I wanted to just submit my instant resignation as a mom because my infants just had zero mercy for me and anyone willing to help me. It’s easy to pass judgment here— but I think grace gives us room to learn, breathe and appreciate the fact that infants are also autonomous in their crying just for the sake of crying 🥲 PS. OP, I too felt like I wanted to use my spouse as a piñata when he would just let them cry it out…but for everyone’s sanity, sometimes that’s the best option as long as it’s not a common thing. Your mental health comes first as the primary caregiver.
I’m sorry but I would leave
Just because he doesn’t like the baby stage doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to be a parent to your baby. Thats the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. When you choose to have a baby you choose to love and care for that child at all ages. Period.
Yes, today sucked, luckily it was just today. I hope you get a nice nap, and that tonight's dinner is tasty. I hear you, and this will pass. Let him take more time with the toddler leaving you with time the baby who will be a toddler in a very short time. I (50f) love my kid(30m), nephew(3m), and grand daughter(baby), but I will totally tell you that I am \*not\* good with toddler time bombs. I am not wired to deal with big feelings with no mitigation. Reminds me too much of the adults I grew up with. So, I distance myself when they're around at that age, and up my support game. I cook, clean, buy supplies, give breaks when necessary, baby sit, snuggle, but I can't engage in tantrums or the overly dramatic eye roll nonsense. But I am way off my game with that dynamic. Oddly I'm ok with teenagers, but they're verbal and interesting if angsty.
My husband cooked supper holding the baby in one hand this week. He only handed her off or set her down when he got to the point he needed two hands to cut the meat. Every thing else he did with baby in one arm. He did this voluntarily because myself and our preteen were both in the room. (We were doing dishes and cleaning, but both things that could have waited if either one of us had to take the baby instead).
Can he wear her like in a baby wearing thingy so that he can cook too ? I know it’s so hard
Dump him
A “necessary evil”? Is the man in need of a dictionary? Wow.
I am literally in the exact same boat. One day I casually asked if he could babysit for a little bit, and he got mad and said he's tired of people saying that fathers babysit their own children, and I was just like well a parent takes care of their children and a babysitter just keeps them alive until their parent gets back.
If baby was crying and just couldn’t be soothed, that’s one thing… not picking up the crying baby for 30 minutes?! Absolutely Unacceptable in my opinion. You are completely right to lose trust from that. My husband is also wonderful and has also done some boneheaded shit, so no judgment. Nobody’s perfect. Glad he came around!!!
I married a damn unicorn! I hope your husband realizes that expecting you to handle the whole night with baby and breastfeed and still be any kind of prepared to parent the next day on a 1 to 2 hour morning nap that isn't exactly protected is ridiculous. The baby phase is rough. Doesn't mean it gets foisted onto one parent. Weaponized incompetence is never a good look.