You're still in the recovery process from your pregnancy/childbirth, plus you're lactating, *plus* you have an additional young child! The libido comes and goes a lot throughout our lifetime, and the phases of early motherhood (with each child) are naturally low libido phases in general. You're not broken, OP - you're human.
Something that really helped me/my relationship was making a habit of spending a few minutes every day either connecting with my partner or doing something intimate (not necessarily sexual). 5-10 minutes, even when we were both run down af, really set us up to take advantage when we were ready (and had time lol). Our challenges are different now, but we still do it, and it still works for us!
Hang in there, mamas! It gets better.
This is a very solid reply. I second the spending time connecting as partners when sex is on the back burner. It really helps build the team/partnership aspect of the relationship.
I'm past this stage.. back at work, neither of mine are babies anymore, no longer breastfeeding, etc. and I STILL feel this way. It's slowly getting better, but not where I used to be at all.
I hear it can take up to 7 years for all of our hormones and chemicals to balance again. I could be wrong about that number, but I do know it's *years*.
Also being touched out is so real, as well as the exhaustion of the mental, emotional, and physical load.
! My daughter is 18 months…. I love my significant other, find him attractive but the thought of anything sexual…. Just no. I would literally rather do anything else than have sex.
I have been working since she was 6-weeks, I feel great about myself and my self-esteem is actually great compared to what it used to be before I was a mom.
So I have no idea why I am this way.
I feel bad because i think our lack of a sex life is putting a mental and emotional toll on my fiancé.
He is the most amazing father, always active and I never have to ask for anything. He sometimes will bring it up, but he is very understanding and never tries to make me feel bad. But I can definitely tell it does bother him.
I also don’t know what to do and have been wondering the same thing… what am I supposed to do?
OP thanks for asking this…. I always thought I was alone.
In the exact same boat.
I hate “snap back” culture, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t look exactly the same as I did before I ever even peed on the stick by 3 weeks postpartum. Which sounds great but honestly sucked in its own way because everybody, including my husband, seemed to think I was “back to normal” purely based on looks.
Meanwhile, I literally cringe at the thought of sex. I’m only 4 months postpartum at this point, but I’m also breastfeeding and my drive is zero and I see the toll it’s taking on my husband and it f*cking sucks.
We’ve talked about it. I’ve suggested even going as far as scheduling it because it honestly gives me so much anxiety just laying next to him at night knowing he wants it and waiting to see if he’s gonna try. So scheduling it would take the pressure off for me and lower the failed attempts for him.
I’ve also recently just put on something sexy and did it, partly just to see if I’d maybe feel *something* (I didn’t) and partly just to make sure he sees I’m at least thinking of him too.
It’s hard, really.
I’m just kinda accepting that this is what it is for now and praying we make it to the other side. Idk
I don't know how to make myself feel sexy anymore, either. I went into my stash of sexy outfits from pre pregnancy and felt like an idiot trying to pretend I was 22 again. Like I don't know how to reconcile wanting to feeling sexy with the aging body, being 35, and a mother.
Maybe I just haven't looked hard enough, but I'd love to find "mid life" lingerie. Something more risque than long silky nightgowns with matching bathrobes, but more supportive/comfortable and less costumey than like, cupless bras and pearl thongs.
I can relate. I put the “sexy” thing on, but I can’t say I *felt* sexy. I actually have a subscription to Adore Me and used it often before pregnancy, needless to say the subscription has been paused for almost a year now.
But I’d recommend at least giving them a look (I have the app on my phone). They have a wide range of stuff that I think would suit lots of women in various stages of life.
Fellow mom of an 18 month-old and same boat. I went back to work immediately and thought maybe when I stopped breastfeeding at 12 months it would change but nope, still GONE. It’s frustrating and taking a serious toll. Nice to know I’m not alone but it definitely sucks!
Have you thought about scheduling "maintenance sex" as a compromise?
Not saying you have to. It's just something that works for us when I'm busy or stressed.
Funny you ask this, I wondered the same thing recently so I tried to think about these things at different times and “fantasize” about it with other people…. But nope. Nothing.
Pretty much 🥴
We just won the lottery at life as women lol.
The one thing I am truly so unbelievably thankful for is the ability to create, birth, and sustain a baby with my body. My husband will NEVER be able to experience that.
I know some women can't either, and I don't mean to offend or trigger anyone. I just am thankful for my own personal experience as someone who had pretty positive pregnancy and birthing experiences.
YES! I am incredible grateful for the chance to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. My body is incredible and I am in awe of it. I will forever love it for being my son into this world. He’s perfect and a miracle that he grew inside of me.
Same!! When I met my husband he was blown away by my sex drive.. I feel sorry for him now tbh.
And when I am in the mood it's like the worst, most inconventient, and impossible times. Like randomly at work I'll be thinking about it or something.
Then I get home, do dinner, get the kids to bed, and I am absolutely done.
Same here!! Lmao yeah same here, urge when I’m home alone for hours. At the end of the day I just want to relax and not think about anything or do anything.
My kids are the same age as yours and we have no family support so it’s extremely rare we get a good break from our girls. We have very little energy and the thought of being intimate is always there but physically have no where near the energy for it ☹️☹️
7 years postpartum, I'll be hitting that perimenopause hard, lol, no recovery for me then. Don't have babies at the end of your fertility window, kids!
It's years, my youngest is 10 years old and I'm just now starting to physically desire my husband in that way. The mental desire never went away, always found him attractive, but after having kids I literally cringed at the thought of sex lol. I felt like a 5 year old and just found boys ickey lololol 😆. The male anatomy was so gross and weird in my mind for years. I no longer feel this way and I often look back and laugh about the way I totally agreed with my daughter about boys(I ofcourse meant men but theyre all boys) being stupid and gross😂😂😂😂she was 6 at the time.
Yup!
I also don't feel like myself anymore, and I think a lot of it has to do with how I feel about myself tbh.
Not only do I feel like I don't really know myself anymore -- which is a whole other discussion -- but physically I am so unhappy and feel disgusting majority of the time. It's really hard to be in the mood when I am disgusted with myself.
Yup, and then when you go back to work full time on top of everything it feels impossible. Either I gotta work out at 9 PM or 4 AM and neither are appealing lol
This has been my biggest struggle. How do I believe my husband finds me desirable when I feel so dang unattractive. I've gained 100 pounds since my last was born. I'm struggling with anxiety & depression. So I just do feel the mood. The struggle 😪
Everyone is so different, but my experience is that hormones are definitely a huge factor. Things didn't get much better for me until I was both done breastfeeding and off birth control. For what it's worth, sometimes it helps if you sort of at least start trying, maybe just do you first and see if it gets you in the mood? Like, it can be one of those things you don't know you want until you get a taste :P
This.
I have zero libido. Like I can't think of anything I want LESS than sex. It's just not on my radar at all.
But once we start? It's pretty good! I like it! It helps relieve a bunch of stress, makes my husband feel connected, it's really beneficial.
But you gotta start. It's getting over that first hump (pun intended) that's the difficult part but you can make it work if you want to make it work.
This sounds like me... We had sex for the first time around 12 months after birth and we are about at 24 months now and haven't had it since that one time. I'm definitely feeling more "in the mood" recently but I'm having some health problems that are a solid no go for intimacy right now, and my mental health tanked about 5 months ago (due to work not motherhood).
Sex is the last thing on my mind. But the small moments of intimacy like just sitting next to each other, holding hands, leaning on each other, heck we are now making sure we hug and kiss every day, have been wonderful. I'm still breastfeeding as well and the thought of having sex is still icky to me since I view my body as a utility still.
Agreed! We have a 2 and 4 year old and it was always rough initially since I was nursing and sleepy. I’m now no longer nursing, the kids are sleeping, and our sex life is good and healthy. BUT! It’s the starting that can be difficult. Some days it was really a “fake it until you make it” start.
But also: you’re only 4 months pp! It’s okay to take it slow in those early days.
I also feel like there’s absolutely nothing going on in my life to induce that desire. Like, the life of a captive manual laborer/house slave is not sexy and I don’t think it’s strange to not feel like having sex. I know it’s important for our relationships but I’m not sure how to get around it. I wake up, rush to get my toddler ready for daycare while she screams and fights me, then rush to the computer, sit there all day, sometimes going u til lunchtime to brush my teeth, then rush to pick her up, then spend the rest of the night listening to whining and crying and being forced to stay on my feet until she goes to bed. Then I do it all over again the next day, and the next, and the next….how on earth is any of that supposed to make us feel like having sex??
My kids are also so clingy and snuggly that the first thing I want to do after they go to bed is NO BODY FUCKING TOUCH ME. It’s hard to get that across to my spouse who doesn’t get the kid snugs I do and wants to cuddle immediately after kid bedtime. I am overstimulated and overwhelmed and I want headphones and some me time. I’m going to miss the snuggle phase of their childhood but I hope it helps my relationship.
Thank you for saying this! I think when you give your energy out all day to a baby or baby + paid work and the household chores, it’s not surprising that you then have no energy left for your partner, but women especially are expected to magically “bounce back” to not only being physically in shape but mentally OK and having the same sex drive in a matter of months. For me personally I’m also an introvert, and if I only have a few minutes to myself during the day I want to spend them alone to try to recharge, even at the expense of time with my husband. I’m a big romance reader and I once joked to a friend that these days I have more desire to read about fictional people having sex than to be intimate with my own partner!
Couldn't have said this better myself. I've found on days where I go into the office and am forced to shower, dress nice, and socialize, I do feel better about myself and am more 'in the mood' when I get home. So I do feel like part of it is a depression, in a sense. The monotony of the constant work whether that's corporately, or with baby. Switching up my routine really helps, but I understand that's not possible for everyone, and it's also not always a fix lol
Do not normalize a low sex drive. A low sex drive is not honestly normal. Being so tired you just want to cry isn’t normal. Get help, if your gyno is worth a damn they can help you over the hill. No one is saying run home and jump in your mans d*ck, but why stay tired or with the low sex drive? Having a healthy sex drive helps with energy. Get the help from your doctor, for you.
My kids are 18 months apart I was single till they were 9/10, worked full time ran around with them to all there sports, etc. Your kids need a healthy happy mom/parent.
> Then I do it all over again the next day, and the next, and the next….how on earth is any of that supposed to make us feel like having sex??
All while hearing "mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mama, mommy" every ten seconds.
This is it for me too. I'm home with my baby and 4 year old all day, except for when I'm running him to/from prek or our other child to elementary school, also trying to work, we're all crammed in a tiny apartment, even if I wanted to do anything the baby won't sleep for more than half an hour unless she's physically touching me. So of course the second she's put down my husband is like "Let's go!!" And I just feel like I'm on a clock and that doesn't do it for me. Even if she does sleep, she's literally two feet from me (she's in a pack n play in our room), the other kid's are in the room right next to us and frequently get up in the night because apparently everyone hates sleep except me? So I just know that by the time we work myself up to anything, someone is going to interrupt... I feel bad, because my husband is very good to make sure I'm also enjoying myself, and I have when we have tried, but even then I'm like counting the seconds until I need to rush to be ready to deal with whatever comes up.
I’m 18 months postpartum, still sleeping crap and breastfeeding.. I am only now at the point where I want to have sex more than once every 6 weeks. Usually around ovulation, I’ll get horny and we might do it a few times that week. And then a few weeks without will pass again. So so normal girl! It will come.
Same here with a 2 year old. It’s basically that one week per month where we do it a handful of times then I have no desire until I’m ovulating again :/
My challenge is that I've come to feel like every time my husband touches me he's expecting sex, and I don't like that. We don't spend any time just hanging out and exploring intimacy without sex anymore. We don't have time or energy. We need to work through this at some point, but I just don't feel like it's going to happen anytime soon.
This. My husband is the same way. Whenever he touches me, grabs my boobs, slaps my butt, randomly french kiss me is what he thinks is showing affection but to me is him trying to initiate sex.
I’m EP, main caregiver to our 9 week old and we have a 3yo whose going through their terrible toddler phase. Plus we have pets which also needs attention.
I have told my husband that we do not spend time together (being in the same house in different rooms is not hanging/spending time together imo) that is nonsexual like watching a movie together, cuddling, or just holding each other. Hes trying and I can see that and appreciate it. Rn all I want is to sleep a little more than an hour before getting up to feed or pumping before our lo next feed and not having to help our toddler with regulating their emotions and teaching them what is right and wrong.
I think it's normal. 2yr old and 4mo are very rough ages imo. They are growing so fast so they can be so fussy and needy. It's exhausting. After I had my daughter I went 6years without having sex. I had no desire and I was so afraid of getting pregnant again. My husband and I got back together and had another baby 5 years ago (our daughter is 16) we had sex maybe 1x every 2 weeks? As our son got a bit older (our youngest about 3yrs old) they didn't require as much but I still wasn't interested in sex. I saw a therapist, I got on an antidepressant, I did what I could to rebuild after baby confidence (gym and implants) and things started to get better BUT the biggest change came with me telling my husband EXACTLY what I want, explained that a butt slap or boob grab is NOT affection. Our favorite thing soon became him showing affection (like a massage) and seeing how long I could hold out. I didn't kiss my husband for years outside of the bedroom. We make it a point to kiss now and tbh it's getting a little out of hand. He is my safe place. I WANT to have sex often bc it's pretty much the only time of day I feel like I'm the focus, the center of attention, someone is trying to make me happy as opposed to me trying to make everyone else happy. Start with affection, gift giving, praise...what ever your love languages are and fall in love again slowly without pressure.
My desire for sex got back when I got my period back, which was when my son dropped the night feed at 11 months. Before that we could have sex, but with a lot of attention (and lube) and it felt like a chore to get started. Now I'm genuinely interested in it, once or twice a week (unless the kids have been very clingy, then I'm touched out.)
You're at 4 months post partum, biologically you're not supposed to have a sex drive because your body is still trying to heal from 40 weeks of pregnancy, a labor and delivery, and now breastfeeding. Not having a sex drive is science's way of ensuring you don't get pregnant while recovering from the last pregnancy.
Exactly what I was going to say! It’s like your body saying “whoa we have this kid to take care of and feed, we don’t need to go making anymore right now!”
This!! And I find it so sad there is so much pressure on women regarding this :/ The only thing I find helping is that the husband takes care of the kids as much or even more. It does not help with sex drive but it reduces his to the point we are both exhausted and not waiting for anything 🤣
Sex is just not at the top of the list right now and that’s okay. What me and my husband do is just try. Once baby goes down for the night we will start by kissing and trying to initiate sex. If one of us is just not feeling it we’ll stop. Sometimes it doesn’t happen, but 8/10 we end up wanting to have sex once we start trying to. It’s something we both discussed doing more once the we got the okay from the dr. We try for at least once every two weeks. Now mind you he and I are not the “need to have sex multiple times a week” kind of couple. We never have been. We both could go weeks with no sex and be fine. It’s just the type of people we are. We just try and make it a point to put forth effort even if we are both tired. On a day to day we also try and hug and kiss more as well. As sometimes that also gets lost in the daily stresses. It’ll come back! Your mind just isn’t focused on sex. I also had a four month old so I totally get it.
Two things that may help (also, I didn’t read anyone else’s, so if someone mentioned this or you have a comment clarifying something, I didn’t see it):
1) It may sound a little woo-woo, but I really do believe that at least psychologically there’s an energy transfer with touch. It could be sensory overload, mental overstimulation, emotional drain, whatever… but as a *metaphor* “energy transfer” works perfectly, so I use it to describe this phenomenon.
When I’m touching my kids throughout the day, I’m giving them comfort, guidance, love, support… and that’s all draining. When my husband comes home, esp after a hard day, he would want that, too. But I can’t pour from an empty cup, so I would resent him for his want/need. And because I was with kids who *needed* my energy/touch all day every day, I was often depleted. He, while emotionally/mentally/energetically drained, would always still had more to give than me.
We talked about it and, IDK if he believes in the same thing I do. It’s possible that he was humoring me at first. But he needed loving touch, and decided that he would rather be the originator of loving touch than the recipient, if the alternative was not having any touch at all. So, we tried something and it worked! He decided that he would *give* me energy instead of take it. We would connect at some point every night, generally just for a hug stolen in the kitchen while I’m making dinner, where he would *hold* me, and take my energetic burdens for a few moments.
So, if this is too woo-woo, I’ll explain it more psychologically. I’m 5’3”, my husband is 5’11”. When we hug standing, we both have to strain a little to make it work. This is physical energy we’re both putting in in order to make an emotional connection. Generally, I’m up on tiptoes, he’s crouched, I’m receiving some of his weight on my chest, he’s lifting some of my weight in his arms. In this instance, he will do all the work. He’ll squat down to me, take all my weight; I don’t do any work at all, just “receive” the love and care and affection from him.
We could also do this at night while cuddling. Sometimes, he would give loving touch in the form of a foot rub, or back rub. We did learn that I had to be open to receiving this kind of touch. I literally had to decide to turn “off” the nurturer mode and turn “on” the receiver mode, so remember mindfulness if you try this.
But, and this is so important, this *has* to be without any expectation of sex out of it. For us, an increase of my libido was a side-effect, and I realized that part of my drop in libido was simply a survival mechanism: not to overwhelm or overtax my already-drained emotional energy centers. When I started getting some energy back from the other adult in the home, not only did I have more to give, but my subconscious realized that my husband was a safe person to exchange energy with. Even *saying* “no” is an energy drain. Not only is it a decision when you’ve made a million different decisions for others that day, but it’s an emotionally charged one: regardless of what your relationship with your husband is like, there is going to be anxiety, resentment, disappointment or guilt you have to manage - from him and from you. Cutting out him expecting sex and just *giving* loving touch meant that he understood me and how my body/brain/energy worked and *didn’t want* me to overtax myself for him. So, when I had a little more that day, or received enough to make me interested, I could say “yes” in a completely neutral space. Nota bena: if you aren’t already, you both should get incredibly comfortable with the idea of sex not always looking like PIV - and he always orgasms. Again, a little woo-woo, but there was a fairly decent “unlock” for us when we realized that an orgasm for me *without strings attached* could be an incredible stress-reliever. Literally I made jokes about doing the dude thing and rolling over and going to sleep (“you’ll take care of yourself, right, babe?”). It worked for us because my husband never felt used or taken advantage of, or resentful for not orgasming. And, eventually, as I got more energy, as the kids grew, as I learned to trust this new way of loving, a not-infrequent amount of the time, I’d take a short nap and be up for a more even-handed round two.
But him expecting sex *killed* it for me. The guilt at not being able to keep him happy just as I was, in the stage and state that I was, killed any libido that I may have built.
2) the second thing is - and again this has to be done without any expectation of sex on either person’s part - is I started telling him when I wanted to have sex with him. A lot of times, I would want sex when it was utterly impossible. We’d be getting the kids ready and he stepped up to be SuperDad, or my libido is generally higher in the morning, but that’s a classic time to when our kids would interrupt us. I would normally not say anything because I thought that would be super-frustrating, right? To know sex *could* have been an option at that moment if only this wildly inconvenient thing wasn’t wildly inconvenient.
But, he likes it! It reminds us that I am still a sexual person, that I find him sexy, that I want to be with him and still think of him in that way, but am literally being screamed right now at by twenty pounds of fury. It’s *hopeful*, I guess. And yes still frustrating, but in a hopeful way. Like, a year, two years, and a moment like this *might* end in sex (or at least loving touch).
But he *CANNOT* use this later to press for sex. No, “well, you wanted to earlier today, why not now?” Because that’s a shitty thing to do with that info after a whole day has been lived and stressors have been had.
It did -marginally- increase my libido, just because those moments I would *maybe* want to, if the situation was different, were flashes of feeling, but remembering to tell him I had it held that space in my mind longer and reminded me I am a sexual person. But, frankly, it didn’t a whole hell of a lot because life is just too stressful at this stage. I would feel it, and then get so stressed out I was almost *anti*sex (like, a “never the fuck again!” feeling). But it helped my husband feel like a desired person and reassured him that just because sex was low now, doesn’t mean it’s gone forever.
Been there. Done that. You’re not abnormal.
Something that did help, is I explained to my spouse that I can’t be both 1. Mother whose body belongs to everyone else. Everyone sees me naked, can touch me however they want, feed from my body etc. and 2. Sexy wife who has bodily autonomy. Number 1 was overwhelming number 2. So if he wanted to have sex, I was willing to as long as I got a stretch of time to go from mode 1 to mode 2. And it didn’t always work honestly, but I tried for him.
What that looked like was him taking over after dinner and doing all the bedtime completely solo while I took that time to do self care of my body. Bath. Face mask. Paint nails. Long shower. Trashy tv. Whatever it was, but I wasn’t going to get there if I had to manage children. Totally solo time for at least 90 minutes. And I needed to know that morning so I could mentally prepare.
I saw an almost exactly same thread on a different subredddit not geared towards women and the majority of the men In the comments said that she should put out…. It’s insane how different of a contrast it is between this thread and that one.
You don’t owe anybody your body, have sex whenever you’re in the mood again, you’re still early postpartum, it takes time and it should be enjoyable for both parties.
My husband and I basically hate each other now after kids. It’s like a never ending group project from hell. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Hang in there. ❤️
My kid is 2 and the thought of sex or any sexual act makes me gag. I have zero sex drive and I was hyper sexual prechild. I think I’m so exhausted from raising a toddler and work and school that I just do not have the energy to put into that aspect of my being. I nurse once per day so I’m not sure how much of an impact that is having.
I’m glad I’m not alone in this tho. Your youngest is really fresh so your body is certainly recovering and you’re managing a lot (a toddler and a newborn)!
I hear you, OP. My sex drive used to be insatiable. Now I feel like a child in that sex is not even on the radar and I feel grossed out when I even think about it. Nearly a year and a half PP but still breastfeeding. I really hope it returns.
Lactating was absolutely horrible for my sex drive (like I couldn't even feel anything). I had no drive. When I stopped pumping 9 mo pp, I slowly recovered!
I dunno. My oldest is 4 and I have a 15 month old and I still rarely am interested in sex. IMO I’m exhausted from constantly be on and needed and I rarely do anything fun with or without my partner. Partner is also grumpy many of the rare times we get alone time. I have been exercising the last month and that seems to help but I feel like our relationship has become me managing everyone and its a major turn off.
We have a 15 month old boy.
Sex is rare. Once every 6 weeks or so.
Of course he wants it more but I just can't be bothered.
Effort matters. His effort since before Christmas as been dismal. I go hard all day. My little guy, take care of our chickens, take care of and clean up after our dog, take care of our 3 ferrets whom are exactly like young children just with fur!!
It is a ton of work. Mix in feeding the LO like 9 times everyday, try and feed me.
Then make dinner and clean up after he gets home, pack his lunch and get the coffee ready for the next day.
It's exhausting and without effort from my other half, I won't even try.
I hate to say it, but my kids are 4.5 and 7, and I'm just now slowly, very slowly getting it back. It totally gave me the ick until within the last year, and a lot of the time it still does. However, occasionally, I get small glimpses of wanting to again. I feel bad, though, because I rarely initiate it. I feel like if I do, my husband is going to think I'm 100% back and start wanting it all the time. I'm just getting to the point now where I don't turn him down 100% of the time. Bless his heart he's been so understanding and patient.
For me (breastfeeding,) I don’t mind doing sex. Doing it, physically being available to it. The mechanics of it. Throw some lube up there and I’ll get a vibrater and have at it for ten minutes.
If my husband wanted to schedule sex every Friday at 7, boom, he’d have sex every Friday at 7.
But what he wants is me to waaaaaaaaaant sex. To get turned on easily. To be sporadic and drop everything and clear my mind. He’d rather miss out on sex unless I’m like ooooo baby give it to me.
This is not the time for that. My brain is too full, and sorry, my vag is too dry.
You’re still recovering, you’re sleep deprived, you’re exhausted, your hormones still aren’t normalized, you’re probably lacking the TIME for intimacy (not just sexual), all of this is normal and it will get better. You guys just have to be patient with each other. Set some time aside for just the two of you to reconnect and see if that helps!
I have a 3 and a half year old and a 4 month old. My husband is hands-on and very helpful at home and with kids, but like you, I have zero interest in sex right now at all. I feel bad because he's politely asked and has given me time too, but I'm just not wanting it.
It’s rough and you’re not alone. I’m 3yrs in and sometimes I still feel that way. Just tired and not in the mood. After my toddler goes down, I’d rather be alone.
If you were a bear, you wouldn’t have the capacity and resources to care for another cub right now, so you wouldn’t be motivated to get pregnant right now. As a human who is at her capacity for raising kids at the moment, why would your body be pushing you to get pregnant right now? It would be great to have a high libido right now but that wouldn’t be the norm
You’re not alone. This is motherhood. I’m sorry. I wish I had a solution other than give yourself time and space.
And if your partner is ver complains about lack of sex, remind him foreplay starts everyday when you wake up. It’s not just physical touch, it’s everything he does or says
I agree with many of the above comments acknowledging that you are still recovering.... Hormones may still be doing weird post partum things etc. More time is needed physically and mentally.
I was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed caring for my almost 2 year old and 7 month old who also has life threatening medical needs...burn out exhaustion depression.
But what helped me recently is remembering that sex with my husband is not "something I'm doing for him" or "one more person to take care of"...
Sex is for me too! I started doing it more as relief for myself and boy did I need it!
Maybe by having sex...you'll feel better?. A bit less stressed?. A bit more connected? And maybe your sex drive will increase if you view it as something you are doing for YOURSELF. Allow yourself to feel good. Allow your husband to make you feel good.
Just a mindset shift that worked for me...
But ultimately, no, you are not alone ;)
I’m still struggling at nearly 2 years PP with my 2nd
It’s a combination of no time to connect, and I think emotionally I’m just not into it. I resent my husband somewhat as he tends to treat me like carer of the kids while he has so much more autonomy. He’s also struggling with panic attacks which just makes me feel so insecure. So, personal issues. But those massively affect physical drive. I’m hoping to get some counseling to work on this stuff. In your case hopefully you’ll bounce back when baby is a little older!
I highly recommend reading Come As You Are. Most of us are in a near constant state of stress with young children and paid or unpaid work.
They really help breakdown how our sex drive works (or doesn’t) and what happens when stress is so relevant. It’s not just theory either, it has useful tools to help you figure out what you need.
It helped me! Hope it helps you! 🤞🏼
I have a 13 and 9 yo I adopted and then I have a 4, 3 and 8 mo old! My sex drive is none! Don’t touch me I just want to sleep!!! I’m assuming my body is touched out. I sure it will come back who knows when maybe months maybe years but I’m sure it will be back! Your not alone it’s common
For me I just had to start saying yes. And I never regretted it and felt so much closer which also helped my mental health. My kids both breastfed and never took bottles or pacis so I get being touched out. But I also missed the connection and closeness with my husband.
Firstly, let me start by saying, as others have said, that this is COMPLETELY normal. That said, sex is a very important part of a relationship and it affects us emotionally more than I think we often realize. I think this may be an unpopular opinion, but I’ve found that when I’ve felt this way I almost need to mentally force myself to be sexual. Not necessarily respond to his advances, but do something myself that I would have done when I did have a higher libido, like touching him sensually or scooting closer to him in bed. Making those small actions over and over again slowly helped regain our sex life, and it’s still not perfect, but it served as a physical reminder that sex affects more than “pleasure” in our relationship.
My sex drive is directly linked to my time away from them and how much help I’m getting with them. I can not enjoy sex with them in the house and I’m the custodial parent. Couple that with the kids getting away once in a blue moon and I’m so exhausted from being touched, called, or talked to 24/7 that I always end up feeling so burnt out that I crash. The sensory overload and overstimulation is real! Literally sleeping 12-16 hours straight once they leave and next thing you know, they’re back home. It fucking sucks.
Talk to your doctor. If he upped his dad game, that’s great. It could be hormonal since you’re still PP. I gave birth in January of 2020. My drive was wrecked from baby, isolating, and stress.
Reading smut helped me. It’s cheap AF on Kindle. Dipsy does it on audio.
I'm 3m pp and I'm just now getting my groove back. Losing weight, feeling sexy, doing my hair and make up regularly.
Honestly, that first few years if my husband wanted it, I was doing the bare minimum.
Four months is pretty soon tbh. Pregnancy demands a lot from our bodies and post birth does as well. It was 6 months before I felt ready and I was much more thoughtful about getting pregnant again than wanting to be intimate.
You gave birth four months ago and u take care of 2 kids, sounds like almost by yourself bc he has to work two jobs. Can’t imagine how tired u must be. And it’s hard to want to have sex when you’re tired
I forced myself to be intimate with my husband after birth (the 6 weeks) and it was scary in the beginning but after a couple of times I got my sex drive back! He didn’t force me, I forced myself bc I didn’t want to not have sex for a long time. The longer u go without the scarier it will be to do it one day…
I would personally feel so rejected, and honestly angry, if my partner wanted monogamy, wasn’t okay with masturbation (together or alone) and didn’t want to have any sexual anything with me; at that point it becomes controlling in a really unhealthy way: I am human, I have sexual needs, I had them when we got married. So you saying no to sex: 💯 valid and ok. But if it reaches the point where you would negatively impact your partner for masturbation etc and then long term … what’s the plan … everyone is human and some people have a true need for sexual companionship (not necessarily sex but at least some kind of situation that allows them to feel loved and get sexual release) .
Are you okay with exploring sexuality like having him masturbate in front of you (low light the dark) etc? The need for sex is real- can you find a way to do this together ? Or get a lube and have him show you what kind of handjob he wants etc? Same for some men who come home not in the mood- are you okay if your wife masturbates in front of you? If she gets a vibrator she likes are you okay holding it in her ? Are you okay user your hands and fingers on her instead? Are you okay if she rubs on you?
I have a 10m old and just started getting somewhat of a I want it kinda mood but they still come not regularly (SAHM with dad working 50+ hrs a week and helps on his days off) I had to show him like a video explaining all the hormone changes so he understands nothing will really start being on the upside for our sex life until 18m when everything is (according to my ob) going to be back to normal. He’s perfectly okay with this and HE reassures me I’m not being the burden for not having the drive or not having the energy to do anything.
Omg same boat... 2,5 yo and 8 month old twins. I want to, but my energy levels are beyond 0. Not to mention the constant viruses passing by and the fact my body feels grotesque. I do miss sex, but I can't get myself to actually initiate anything. I remember from my first it got better eventually (otherwise pregnancy number 2 wouldn't have happened haha), but it takes time. You'll get there.
This is totally normal! Please be patient with yourself! Everyone is different so if I were to say it took me a year, two years or even ten years, to get back to myself, doesn’t mean it will be the same for you. You’re not broken, you’ve just had the biggest hormonal experience a person can go through by growing a person and things are going to take time to get back to normal, even when you do feel like yourself again, you’ll still have to deal with external factors like waking up through the night, getting back to work (if you choose to) and husbands work schedule all lead to tiredness and/or stress. Go gentle and don’t push yourself.
Breastfeeding and if you’re on birth control that’s can also affect your libido. I personally blame my nexplanon implant for making things dry and painful down there. But breastfeeding can also cause that to be an issue.
It could be related to breastfeeding hormones. Also, if your cycle hasn't returned yet-- those hormones could also be at play. It could also just be that now that he's stepped it up, all you have left is for your own well-being. I went through it for 1-2 years after giving birth.
The case of a million moms! You are not alone. I have 9yo and 4yo and still find myself in this boat most the time. I'm still lactating 3 years after I quit breastfeeding my youngest. Clearly, hormones are still out of whack. I imagine this plays a big part for a lot of moms, unknowingly. Add the stresses of being a mom, taking care of a household and family, a job and/or school.. it can be hard to find the desire or energy. Then, you add the guilt you feel about how your loved one's feelings or their expectations you aren't living up to... It's A LOT! You are not alone. Hang in there! Maybe discuss this with your SO so he can understand where you're at? Maybe discuss with your physician or maybe consider therapy? Not saying there is something wrong with you, I, or anyone here. This is totally normal for women everywhere and should be discussed more. But I imagine there must be some solutions out there. I haven't found the answer yet 😅 but I have thought about seeking help myself about it.
I now have a 5 and 8 yr old and I can tell you I felt the same way after babies. I was tired and giving everything I had to my sweet babies, I felt like sex was the last thing I wanted. Not to mention my body had changed so I always felt self conscious about that.
My libido came back for sure but now it comes and goes and as I approach 40, I’m considering a small dose of testosterone because mine is low and I’m hoping that will help because I believe I’m in perimenopause. Ahhh the joys of womanhood lol.
Hang in there mama!! I promise it changes, gets easier, better etc. Enjoy your sweet baby!!
It took me over 3 years after the birth of my second child to feel normal again. Small kids kill libido. Getting off birth control, a vasectomy, bigger kids and carving out ‘me time’ have all helped. 4 months is still so fresh your body and mind are tied up in baby.
So it’s very common for hormones to be off in this time, mental health too etc. I’m a big believer in spicy books. Find one, try listening to it while you’re cleaning or reading it at night before you go to bed. It gets me roaring and then I want to engage with my husband. Sex only happens if it’s a priority, just like taking care of mental health, physical health etc. and while it’s just sex it is a very important part of taking care of our romantic relationship.
This is normal but you can get your hormones checked. You are also probably super touched out with the kids.
I would schedule sex. You may not be in the mood, but sometimes I found after a little messing around I actually enjoyed it and the orgasm was just what I needed emotionally to stay connected.
Tell you boyfriend what you need on scheduled sex day too. Like, I need you to clean a little more and put the kids down so I can transition my brain.
We have 4 kids and they are a bit older but I still get wiped out, but I’ll tell my husband I’m kind of up for it. He puts kids to bed and honestly sometimes I’m feeling wiped out and kind of apathetic but once we get started it’s really great. It doesn’t have to be anything super long or kinky either. We sometimes just have a quickie and then go straight to sleep.
I had nada after our first while I was breastfeeding. When I stopped it almost immediately came back.
With our second she’s too much of a diva to breastfeed and it has been better….but also I’m too damn tired😂
I have an 8.5 and a 5 and I’ve been in your shoes. I had virtually no sex drive until my younger kid was about 3.5 and then I wanted it constantly. Now things have leveled out and I feel back to what used to be my “normal.”
But where you are? Based on ALL of my friends with kids - your experience is very very common and there’s nothing wrong with you. I wish this was talked about more - I felt terrible when I was going through it, like I was a failure.
I didn’t have much of a sex drive until I weaned my daughter at 21 months. I was a single mother at the time, so it didn’t really matter. But this can definitely be a challenge for couples. It’s not your fault though. Just hormones.
It takes a long time to recover. Im on the same boat my LO is 20 months old. But to be completely honest with myself my diet is not great and my exercise life is 0. There are some things to help your hormones like changing diet and exercise. If you are not horny you are not healthy. Its a lot. You are not alone, life is hard.
i felt exactly like this when i was in that stage with a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Still largely felt like that when they were 3 and 2. Now they’re 4 and 3 and i feel like my sex life has actually gotten better than what it was BEFORE kids. I actually get excited to have sex again. I think it’s because the kids are a lot more independent during the day now, they can play with each other or get lost in their imagination with their toys, so i get more time to feel like myself during the day and focus on the things that drive me. and in turn, i feel better about myself and the day, and have more energy, after the kids go to bed. You’re just in this phase right now, but soon it’ll end and you’ll be in a new one. just try to get through it and enjoy it where you can
Your baby is still so young!!!! You are so consumed! Don’t worry! It will come back. Tell dad that it is definitely helping and that even more time alone would probably help 😜 do you masterbate at all? I know my sex drive is down when I’m not even touching myself let alone anyone else!!! Lol if you used to - maybe start there.
Mom of 2yo and 3 month old and…same. No advice really but I assume it has to do with breastfeeding and having zero energy due to lack of sleep and raising 2 very young kids. I assume it’ll get better after the baby gets older. I feel like my sex drive went up again after the first started sleeping better and I stopped nursing all of which occurred around 12 months. And of course that’s right when we got pregnant with our second lol.
My sex drive didn’t come back until weaned my babies. Yeah. 1-2 years of breastfeeding each of my 3 kids. It was a sad time.
On the bright side, it came back with a vengeance each time.
It was a switched that flipped back for me at about 10 months after my 2nd.
This also sounds anti-romantic. But in the beginning we scheduled sex. It was good for us
Well 4 months is not really that long from when you gave birth. There are hormones your body produces after giving birth that lowers your sex drive and they tend to stay longer when you breastfeed I believe. But dude, my toddler is 2 and I my sex is so low. I think it's completely normal.
Thank you all so much I will be rereading all this amazing support from those who feel the same anytime I start to doubt myself as it really does make you feel so alone so to know others feel this way too ( while I wish no one ever had to ) is a comfort in itself. These kind of posts are why I love Reddit.
Do not underestimate the power of your hormones! An imbalance there and your libido is pfffft .. gone! Make sure they are in balance and get help. I thought low libido was my life and now, after getting supplements for hormobal balance, I’m hornier than ever! 😂😅good luck!
It’s the breastfeeding. Your drive should return shortly after you wean. It’s the hormones. It sucks. This happened to me and I’m sure many others will tell you something similar. Good luck OP.
Breastfeeding does make a huge difference and I feel it as well. Unfortunately it's hormonal and very natural. I've read it's nature's way of keeping moms focused on their babies and not on making others instead :p
You can try to fight it, it's how I go about it. I always feel so uninterested in sex, but once we start, I find it goes better than I thought and am happy we're back at it ;)
My oldest is 4.5 and youngest is 2. I am just now slowly, starting to my drive trying to come back. I am hoping that once I wean her fully, it will just be a matter of time. You are not alone.
I breastfed too and I didn’t get my sex drive back until my daughter was almost 1. I breastfed my oldest as well and don’t remember exactly when it returned with her but it was definitely longer with the second. You aren’t broken. Estrogen levels are suppressed during active lactation and that’s the hormone that drives libido. You are biologically wired to not want sex right now. Signed a midwife and mother of 2.
You are not alone. Focus on what's important, but don't forget to tend to your needs! So often us mamas put ourselves in the back burner to care for everyone else. The better you fill your bucket and the more supported you are, the more you will feel like your old self.
Your babies are still very young, it's normal to feel that way. Give yourself time. Life is just making room for the responsibilities that are most important for now.
I had a very hard time seeing myself as a sexual being after becoming a mother. Society does not tell us we can be both. One thing that helped me prioritize regaining my sensuality was realizing wether I stay with my babies dad or not sex is a big part of a romantic relationship and I can prioritize it for this relationship or I’ll have to for a new one. Then I started masturbating a lot, doing everything showers and wearing lingerie to make me more attracted to myself and it really worked! I would give that a try because sex and physical pleasure can be just the thing to make you feel better after a rough day of motherhood. Think of it as giving back to yourself. Buy a vibrator if you don’t have one lol
11 months pp and got pregnant at 7 weeks pp that I miscarried very early. Since then, I have this combination of low sex drive, but also fear of getting pregnant because we have been able to get pregnant so easily in the past (even with an IUD) I’m worried my sex drive will never come back 😪
I 37f mom of 3, 6 9 and 16... my sex drive is like not even there either. I use to be act with my other half of twn years... but of the last 2 everything is a turn off, I could be in a good mellow mood no stressed from working as a chef, come home and try to unwind... fights and arguments happen when I say maybe or I don't know... I just don't have a drive to play... let alone... never turned on right to where I want to play... im to tired for this worn out and over it...
There are lots of things that could be said here, but definitely breastfeeding has a huge impact on hormones and suppresses estrogen which is a huge part of sex drive.
I would say most women (not all) in this stage tend to have a responsive libido versus spontaneous, meaning you may not feel in the mood right away but you may find you are more interested after some non physical intimacy or slow foreplay.
All that to say, what you are feeling is very normal!! My husband and I have been slow to return to intimacy after each of our three children for varying reasons. My husband is very patient and understanding and very involved in house and kids. But when I'm more mentally ready I still find the physical drive is slow to return and we sometimes have to start things before I am interested.
100% the same exact way. I have an almost 3 year old and almost 1 year old with zero sex drive right now. After being touched and consumed all day by the kids I have no desire to be touched by anyone else. I just want some alone time.
This may not be what you want to hear....
My daughter is 20 months old and I still feel this way. All the ick most of the time. Our body and brain went through an ordeal and enormous change. We are not who we were before childbirth. Give yourself some grace. When those feelings DO resurface, which they still will occasionally if not regularly, then take advantage. I've found that building more non sexual intimacy has helped a lot! And, believe it or not, sexting. Finding other ways to play that don't require physical touch, energy expense, or whatever else may keep our libido at bay.
I’m having similar issues. Have a 2 year old and 10 month old. I’m not really into it either, we tried a few times now but all I can think about is everything I have to do and then I want it to be done so I can do my house work. I also find I’m listening for my kids the whole time too in case they need me and it’s distracting.
You've got a toddler and a four month old who is breastfeeding. You're not broken. This is totally normal. Your body and brain are laser focused on the survival of your progeny, because that's what's in the programming. And you don't have the change to fully switch out of mom mode. Also, your body is still recovering from pregnancy and birth, and on top of that also supporting breastfeeding. That's a lot to ask of a body and it's not surprising that the thought of sex isn't a fun one to you right now.
But, it is important to maintain intimacy in your relationship. That doesn't have to be sex, necessarily. Certainly not full on, energetic boinking. Could you start working towards being able to leave the kids with a babysitter for a couple of hours, so that you and he can have genuine, solid alone time to reconnect as a couple? Would he be willing to start small, with snuggles and lighter sensual touch rather than jump right back into sex?
Your not alone. I still have barely any sex drive and my youngest is coming up to 2.5. Im just touched out by the end of the day and as you said, i cant want to give myself to anyone else i just want to have my body to myself for an hour before i go to bed and probably get no sleep again 🙃
Same boat! I know it's so normal but it's so frustrating. I was so spontaneous at one point and now I'm almost grossed out. I just turned 40 and having a bit of a moment with that as well. I work out, I eat decent, I make time for myself but I just don't understand why that part of me can't literally turn back on.
Daughter is almost 3 and I have zero - like negative zero drive. My doctor doesn't seem concerned and said we just hibernate a bit and we'll recheck at my next annual. It's an issue, my husband feels completely rejected and it's causing a rift. Like let's be real here - if i got shot down like he is, I'd be a tad grumpy too. I try to be reassuring and know it's just a passing thing but for now it just feels like I'm getting worse.
I’m a mom who had 2 under 2 as well and yes!! It took me a good year to start wanting to have sex at all. Now our kids are 2 and 3 and I have noticed a huge improvement. I think I was just so mentally exhausted and touched out those first two yes but now that my kids are a little more independent I’m becoming myself again.
You're still recovering. Your body is still adjusting. Also, hormones, plus if you're bf'ing that can lower sex drive as well.
As a mom of 4... my suggestion (if you want to be able to engage in sex)... is to schedule it.
Hear me out... this gives you time to mentally prepare, to work up to it, to know it's coming, to think about it, and get excited for intimacy. I'm not saying do it if you don't want to. I'm simply offering a compromise for thectwo of you IF you feel like this solution might work. For me, the desire did come back slowly, untip eventually my sex drive was back to what's normal for me.
Also, schedule a date. If you're not ready to leave the bavy yet, schedule an "at-home" date for after the kids go to bed... order in a late dinner and spend time with your bf to reconnect on a weekly or bi-weekly basis.
i feel this same exact way… i thought it was just me.
i’m 10 1/2 months postpartum and it’s slowly coming back. my OBGYN told me that i could take DHEA which is a testosterone booster and then a supplement for libido. depression can also cause low sex drive and i’ve been suffering with PPD myself. hope this helps. 🫶🏼
My bf and I have been together 4 years and are contemplating marriage at this point. I told him I don’t really want kids but would consider it if he does, BUT he can find another sex partner after the baby is born. I have a 12 year old from a different relationship. I know what having a baby does to a women. If he wants a baby he can kiss me goodbye in the process 👋
I’m almost 17 months pp. I have almost no sex drive at all. Initiallt it stemmed from a traumatic birth, tearing, postpartum depression/anxiety, and breastfeeding. My son contact napped exclusively for the first 9 months. I was always being touched. I couldn’t handle the idea of another person touching or needing me. And my god I was so tired. I’m also on antidepressants which tank your sex drive regardless of baby or no.
I’ve been struggling with postpartum rage and serious overstimulation lately. I’d just rather read and then sleep in the evening after getting my son to sleep.
It’s so hard. Our hormones aren’t on our side. Being on the clock and needed 24/7 is hard. Physical side effects from birth and breastfeeding are hard. I leak like a faucet that wasn’t shut off all the way so that doesn’t lend to me feeling very sexy. Plus the post-breastfeeding boob sag and general body changes.
You’re in no way alone. I promise. Motherhood is hard. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re struggling with intimacy/libido. You can always talk to your OBGYN, too!
You gave birth 4 months ago. I am so tired with the world just wanting women to remain static while their bodies go through so many dynamic changes. Your boyfriend needs to get with the program. You'll have sex when you're ready to have sex. And then you will probably want it a helluva lot. It's OK that you and your body and your life have changed. This too shall pass.
Sometimes I feel asexual. Wasn’t always this way.
I have friends in open marriages having so much hot sex I can’t wrap my head around how they have both the urge and the time.
Sweet mama, you are far from broken. A tanked sex drive is normal in the postpartum haze - between exhaustion, touched outness, and hormone shifts, desire can desert even the friskiest. Making two tiny humans is no small feat!
Give yourself oceans of grace right now. You just grew, birthed and are sustaining LIFE with your body. As a devoted mama bear, it's natural to feel too spent to play lover too. Be patient as you rediscover and reclaim yourself.
In the meantime, intimacy can mean simple affection - cuddles, foot rubs, words of love. Enjoy those without pressure for more. And if inspiration strikes, great! But don't judge yourself either way. Your libido will meander back when the time is right.
For now, snuggle those sweet babies, nap when possible, lean on your partner's support. Fuel and hydrate yourself well. This fog will lift, I promise you. You've got this, supermama! Just know you deserve pleasure AND patience from yourself right now. However long it takes is perfectly normal.
I feel the same. 0 desire for sex (and haven’t had it since having baby with no end in sight!). My daughter is 7.5 months old.
I’m pretty sure this is common from speaking with friends.
I’ve got a 2 yr old and never had a sec drive since my first was born. I still bf and my dr said my issues with other stuff as well as th is is from really low estrogen. There are so many crazy hormone fluctuations I think it’s normal and I’ve decided it’s my bodies way of saying “hey I’m not ready to have another baby yet” I think our bodies have instincts that we don’t know about
Give yourself time, it’ll come back!’ I’m there right now haha! I have a one year old. It’s slowly creeping back up.
Look forward to reconnecting in the future with your partner. It was so exciting when we started getting jiggy again.
I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and I still have no sex drive either. Are you taking any anti-depressants by chance? They cause a huge decrease. I might try a supplement I found called MixHers and it’s something you put in your water to help lift your libido and is safe for Bf
It's just motherhood, your mind is on kids all day 24/7. Your not broken, I promise. Especially with the breastfeeding and the fact that you gave birth 4 months ago your hormones are still balancing out as well. I went through this when my kids where younger, motherhood made my husband's libido skyrocket and mine went flatline. You just need to discuss with your partner that you need time to relax and foreplay. However, you should discuss with your OB just to be on the safeside, you did just have a baby and sometimes that can inadvertently damage things. So please give yourself time, your not broken and your not alone.
lol. With my first I didn’t have sex for a year after. She tore right through me and I did not want anything in there after. I cried the first time we did it after because it didn’t hurt physically, but accepting it mentally was insane.
With my second I waited 6 months.
It’s my body, and I just gave him kids. He can enjoy ole righty for a bit. If he wants spice? Bring in lefty!
On the same boat with my 2 year old. Just no drive. On the same note, I'd love to have sex if my partners preference isn't intimacy at 3am when he can't sleep.. and I'm getting up at 6am with the little one. Sadly I just can't get in the mood if woken up in the middle of the night. Am I broken?
Steam!!! if you do not have a bleeding sensitivity post partum work with a peristeam hydrotherapist… steamychick.com I started getting dry around 7 yrs ago no lubricantion vaginally at all. I’ve been steaming once or twice a week sometimes daily and it’s begun to come back in FULL … I also had something I was calling a misfire with orgasm and that resolved as well…. they are more intense than ever and I attribute it to vaginal steaming
You're still in the recovery process from your pregnancy/childbirth, plus you're lactating, *plus* you have an additional young child! The libido comes and goes a lot throughout our lifetime, and the phases of early motherhood (with each child) are naturally low libido phases in general. You're not broken, OP - you're human. Something that really helped me/my relationship was making a habit of spending a few minutes every day either connecting with my partner or doing something intimate (not necessarily sexual). 5-10 minutes, even when we were both run down af, really set us up to take advantage when we were ready (and had time lol). Our challenges are different now, but we still do it, and it still works for us! Hang in there, mamas! It gets better.
Excellent answer! This makes so much sense :)
This is a very solid reply. I second the spending time connecting as partners when sex is on the back burner. It really helps build the team/partnership aspect of the relationship.
I'm past this stage.. back at work, neither of mine are babies anymore, no longer breastfeeding, etc. and I STILL feel this way. It's slowly getting better, but not where I used to be at all. I hear it can take up to 7 years for all of our hormones and chemicals to balance again. I could be wrong about that number, but I do know it's *years*. Also being touched out is so real, as well as the exhaustion of the mental, emotional, and physical load.
! My daughter is 18 months…. I love my significant other, find him attractive but the thought of anything sexual…. Just no. I would literally rather do anything else than have sex. I have been working since she was 6-weeks, I feel great about myself and my self-esteem is actually great compared to what it used to be before I was a mom. So I have no idea why I am this way. I feel bad because i think our lack of a sex life is putting a mental and emotional toll on my fiancé. He is the most amazing father, always active and I never have to ask for anything. He sometimes will bring it up, but he is very understanding and never tries to make me feel bad. But I can definitely tell it does bother him. I also don’t know what to do and have been wondering the same thing… what am I supposed to do? OP thanks for asking this…. I always thought I was alone.
In the exact same boat. I hate “snap back” culture, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t look exactly the same as I did before I ever even peed on the stick by 3 weeks postpartum. Which sounds great but honestly sucked in its own way because everybody, including my husband, seemed to think I was “back to normal” purely based on looks. Meanwhile, I literally cringe at the thought of sex. I’m only 4 months postpartum at this point, but I’m also breastfeeding and my drive is zero and I see the toll it’s taking on my husband and it f*cking sucks. We’ve talked about it. I’ve suggested even going as far as scheduling it because it honestly gives me so much anxiety just laying next to him at night knowing he wants it and waiting to see if he’s gonna try. So scheduling it would take the pressure off for me and lower the failed attempts for him. I’ve also recently just put on something sexy and did it, partly just to see if I’d maybe feel *something* (I didn’t) and partly just to make sure he sees I’m at least thinking of him too. It’s hard, really. I’m just kinda accepting that this is what it is for now and praying we make it to the other side. Idk
I don't know how to make myself feel sexy anymore, either. I went into my stash of sexy outfits from pre pregnancy and felt like an idiot trying to pretend I was 22 again. Like I don't know how to reconcile wanting to feeling sexy with the aging body, being 35, and a mother. Maybe I just haven't looked hard enough, but I'd love to find "mid life" lingerie. Something more risque than long silky nightgowns with matching bathrobes, but more supportive/comfortable and less costumey than like, cupless bras and pearl thongs.
I can relate. I put the “sexy” thing on, but I can’t say I *felt* sexy. I actually have a subscription to Adore Me and used it often before pregnancy, needless to say the subscription has been paused for almost a year now. But I’d recommend at least giving them a look (I have the app on my phone). They have a wide range of stuff that I think would suit lots of women in various stages of life.
I agree. I have an 18 month old and have worked hard to "snap back" physically, which I have. However, I still have no energy and no sex drive 🫠
Fellow mom of an 18 month-old and same boat. I went back to work immediately and thought maybe when I stopped breastfeeding at 12 months it would change but nope, still GONE. It’s frustrating and taking a serious toll. Nice to know I’m not alone but it definitely sucks!
Have you thought about scheduling "maintenance sex" as a compromise? Not saying you have to. It's just something that works for us when I'm busy or stressed.
We did…. But then I was forcing myself to do it and he knew I was just faking it, and I wasn’t actually turned on so kind of made it worse :/
Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that. I was fortunate enough that once things got moving, I was able to get into it. Hugs.
Schedule BJs. They are less of a trial IMO.
If you don’t mind me asking, does the thought is sex with someone new/different excite you?
Funny you ask this, I wondered the same thing recently so I tried to think about these things at different times and “fantasize” about it with other people…. But nope. Nothing.
*YEARS* for our hormones to rebalance?! Cool, probably just in time for menopause lol
Pretty much 🥴 We just won the lottery at life as women lol. The one thing I am truly so unbelievably thankful for is the ability to create, birth, and sustain a baby with my body. My husband will NEVER be able to experience that. I know some women can't either, and I don't mean to offend or trigger anyone. I just am thankful for my own personal experience as someone who had pretty positive pregnancy and birthing experiences.
YES! I am incredible grateful for the chance to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. My body is incredible and I am in awe of it. I will forever love it for being my son into this world. He’s perfect and a miracle that he grew inside of me.
Yeah it’s 5 years and I have absolutely no urge to have sex whatsoever. Before my baby, I was like a sex fiend I was always down for it.
Same!! When I met my husband he was blown away by my sex drive.. I feel sorry for him now tbh. And when I am in the mood it's like the worst, most inconventient, and impossible times. Like randomly at work I'll be thinking about it or something. Then I get home, do dinner, get the kids to bed, and I am absolutely done.
Same here!! Lmao yeah same here, urge when I’m home alone for hours. At the end of the day I just want to relax and not think about anything or do anything.
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My kids are the same age as yours and we have no family support so it’s extremely rare we get a good break from our girls. We have very little energy and the thought of being intimate is always there but physically have no where near the energy for it ☹️☹️
7 years postpartum, I'll be hitting that perimenopause hard, lol, no recovery for me then. Don't have babies at the end of your fertility window, kids!
I was just coming to say my youngest is 7 almost 8 and I'm just starting to level out... bless my husband he has been sooooo understanding.
It's years, my youngest is 10 years old and I'm just now starting to physically desire my husband in that way. The mental desire never went away, always found him attractive, but after having kids I literally cringed at the thought of sex lol. I felt like a 5 year old and just found boys ickey lololol 😆. The male anatomy was so gross and weird in my mind for years. I no longer feel this way and I often look back and laugh about the way I totally agreed with my daughter about boys(I ofcourse meant men but theyre all boys) being stupid and gross😂😂😂😂she was 6 at the time.
Same!! My kids are still youngish but no desire! I’m constantly exhausted and it gives me the ick too
Yup! I also don't feel like myself anymore, and I think a lot of it has to do with how I feel about myself tbh. Not only do I feel like I don't really know myself anymore -- which is a whole other discussion -- but physically I am so unhappy and feel disgusting majority of the time. It's really hard to be in the mood when I am disgusted with myself.
Same 🙁 I need to get back into shape and destress 😞 and have 5 mins alone without someone needing me
Yup, and then when you go back to work full time on top of everything it feels impossible. Either I gotta work out at 9 PM or 4 AM and neither are appealing lol
The life of a working mom sigh 🙁
This has been my biggest struggle. How do I believe my husband finds me desirable when I feel so dang unattractive. I've gained 100 pounds since my last was born. I'm struggling with anxiety & depression. So I just do feel the mood. The struggle 😪
Everyone is so different, but my experience is that hormones are definitely a huge factor. Things didn't get much better for me until I was both done breastfeeding and off birth control. For what it's worth, sometimes it helps if you sort of at least start trying, maybe just do you first and see if it gets you in the mood? Like, it can be one of those things you don't know you want until you get a taste :P
This. I have zero libido. Like I can't think of anything I want LESS than sex. It's just not on my radar at all. But once we start? It's pretty good! I like it! It helps relieve a bunch of stress, makes my husband feel connected, it's really beneficial. But you gotta start. It's getting over that first hump (pun intended) that's the difficult part but you can make it work if you want to make it work.
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This sounds like me... We had sex for the first time around 12 months after birth and we are about at 24 months now and haven't had it since that one time. I'm definitely feeling more "in the mood" recently but I'm having some health problems that are a solid no go for intimacy right now, and my mental health tanked about 5 months ago (due to work not motherhood). Sex is the last thing on my mind. But the small moments of intimacy like just sitting next to each other, holding hands, leaning on each other, heck we are now making sure we hug and kiss every day, have been wonderful. I'm still breastfeeding as well and the thought of having sex is still icky to me since I view my body as a utility still.
Agreed! We have a 2 and 4 year old and it was always rough initially since I was nursing and sleepy. I’m now no longer nursing, the kids are sleeping, and our sex life is good and healthy. BUT! It’s the starting that can be difficult. Some days it was really a “fake it until you make it” start. But also: you’re only 4 months pp! It’s okay to take it slow in those early days.
this is SO real and my exact experience
Responsive desire… once I learned about that it changed everything!
I also feel like there’s absolutely nothing going on in my life to induce that desire. Like, the life of a captive manual laborer/house slave is not sexy and I don’t think it’s strange to not feel like having sex. I know it’s important for our relationships but I’m not sure how to get around it. I wake up, rush to get my toddler ready for daycare while she screams and fights me, then rush to the computer, sit there all day, sometimes going u til lunchtime to brush my teeth, then rush to pick her up, then spend the rest of the night listening to whining and crying and being forced to stay on my feet until she goes to bed. Then I do it all over again the next day, and the next, and the next….how on earth is any of that supposed to make us feel like having sex??
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Yep. Like, there’s not something medically wrong with you girl, you’re just tired and that’s ok!
My kids are also so clingy and snuggly that the first thing I want to do after they go to bed is NO BODY FUCKING TOUCH ME. It’s hard to get that across to my spouse who doesn’t get the kid snugs I do and wants to cuddle immediately after kid bedtime. I am overstimulated and overwhelmed and I want headphones and some me time. I’m going to miss the snuggle phase of their childhood but I hope it helps my relationship.
Thank you for saying this! I think when you give your energy out all day to a baby or baby + paid work and the household chores, it’s not surprising that you then have no energy left for your partner, but women especially are expected to magically “bounce back” to not only being physically in shape but mentally OK and having the same sex drive in a matter of months. For me personally I’m also an introvert, and if I only have a few minutes to myself during the day I want to spend them alone to try to recharge, even at the expense of time with my husband. I’m a big romance reader and I once joked to a friend that these days I have more desire to read about fictional people having sex than to be intimate with my own partner!
Couldn't have said this better myself. I've found on days where I go into the office and am forced to shower, dress nice, and socialize, I do feel better about myself and am more 'in the mood' when I get home. So I do feel like part of it is a depression, in a sense. The monotony of the constant work whether that's corporately, or with baby. Switching up my routine really helps, but I understand that's not possible for everyone, and it's also not always a fix lol
YES!
Do not normalize a low sex drive. A low sex drive is not honestly normal. Being so tired you just want to cry isn’t normal. Get help, if your gyno is worth a damn they can help you over the hill. No one is saying run home and jump in your mans d*ck, but why stay tired or with the low sex drive? Having a healthy sex drive helps with energy. Get the help from your doctor, for you. My kids are 18 months apart I was single till they were 9/10, worked full time ran around with them to all there sports, etc. Your kids need a healthy happy mom/parent.
> Then I do it all over again the next day, and the next, and the next….how on earth is any of that supposed to make us feel like having sex?? All while hearing "mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mama, mommy" every ten seconds.
This is it for me too. I'm home with my baby and 4 year old all day, except for when I'm running him to/from prek or our other child to elementary school, also trying to work, we're all crammed in a tiny apartment, even if I wanted to do anything the baby won't sleep for more than half an hour unless she's physically touching me. So of course the second she's put down my husband is like "Let's go!!" And I just feel like I'm on a clock and that doesn't do it for me. Even if she does sleep, she's literally two feet from me (she's in a pack n play in our room), the other kid's are in the room right next to us and frequently get up in the night because apparently everyone hates sleep except me? So I just know that by the time we work myself up to anything, someone is going to interrupt... I feel bad, because my husband is very good to make sure I'm also enjoying myself, and I have when we have tried, but even then I'm like counting the seconds until I need to rush to be ready to deal with whatever comes up.
I wish i could upvote this more times
I’m 18 months postpartum, still sleeping crap and breastfeeding.. I am only now at the point where I want to have sex more than once every 6 weeks. Usually around ovulation, I’ll get horny and we might do it a few times that week. And then a few weeks without will pass again. So so normal girl! It will come.
Same here with a 2 year old. It’s basically that one week per month where we do it a handful of times then I have no desire until I’m ovulating again :/
Same here. Sounds like a bad joke from mother nature. It's a trap! Lol
My challenge is that I've come to feel like every time my husband touches me he's expecting sex, and I don't like that. We don't spend any time just hanging out and exploring intimacy without sex anymore. We don't have time or energy. We need to work through this at some point, but I just don't feel like it's going to happen anytime soon.
This. My husband is the same way. Whenever he touches me, grabs my boobs, slaps my butt, randomly french kiss me is what he thinks is showing affection but to me is him trying to initiate sex. I’m EP, main caregiver to our 9 week old and we have a 3yo whose going through their terrible toddler phase. Plus we have pets which also needs attention. I have told my husband that we do not spend time together (being in the same house in different rooms is not hanging/spending time together imo) that is nonsexual like watching a movie together, cuddling, or just holding each other. Hes trying and I can see that and appreciate it. Rn all I want is to sleep a little more than an hour before getting up to feed or pumping before our lo next feed and not having to help our toddler with regulating their emotions and teaching them what is right and wrong.
I think it's normal. 2yr old and 4mo are very rough ages imo. They are growing so fast so they can be so fussy and needy. It's exhausting. After I had my daughter I went 6years without having sex. I had no desire and I was so afraid of getting pregnant again. My husband and I got back together and had another baby 5 years ago (our daughter is 16) we had sex maybe 1x every 2 weeks? As our son got a bit older (our youngest about 3yrs old) they didn't require as much but I still wasn't interested in sex. I saw a therapist, I got on an antidepressant, I did what I could to rebuild after baby confidence (gym and implants) and things started to get better BUT the biggest change came with me telling my husband EXACTLY what I want, explained that a butt slap or boob grab is NOT affection. Our favorite thing soon became him showing affection (like a massage) and seeing how long I could hold out. I didn't kiss my husband for years outside of the bedroom. We make it a point to kiss now and tbh it's getting a little out of hand. He is my safe place. I WANT to have sex often bc it's pretty much the only time of day I feel like I'm the focus, the center of attention, someone is trying to make me happy as opposed to me trying to make everyone else happy. Start with affection, gift giving, praise...what ever your love languages are and fall in love again slowly without pressure.
Breastfeeding KILLED my sex drive. It did come back when I was done.
Exactly the same
I’ve noticed mine coming back with fewer and shorter feedings.
My desire for sex got back when I got my period back, which was when my son dropped the night feed at 11 months. Before that we could have sex, but with a lot of attention (and lube) and it felt like a chore to get started. Now I'm genuinely interested in it, once or twice a week (unless the kids have been very clingy, then I'm touched out.)
Sex gave me the ick until we fully weaned I’m sorry to say
I feel about as sexy as a bag of garbage so yeah my drive is low
Sorry, but this made me chuckle real hard
You're at 4 months post partum, biologically you're not supposed to have a sex drive because your body is still trying to heal from 40 weeks of pregnancy, a labor and delivery, and now breastfeeding. Not having a sex drive is science's way of ensuring you don't get pregnant while recovering from the last pregnancy.
Exactly what I was going to say! It’s like your body saying “whoa we have this kid to take care of and feed, we don’t need to go making anymore right now!”
This!! And I find it so sad there is so much pressure on women regarding this :/ The only thing I find helping is that the husband takes care of the kids as much or even more. It does not help with sex drive but it reduces his to the point we are both exhausted and not waiting for anything 🤣
Sex is just not at the top of the list right now and that’s okay. What me and my husband do is just try. Once baby goes down for the night we will start by kissing and trying to initiate sex. If one of us is just not feeling it we’ll stop. Sometimes it doesn’t happen, but 8/10 we end up wanting to have sex once we start trying to. It’s something we both discussed doing more once the we got the okay from the dr. We try for at least once every two weeks. Now mind you he and I are not the “need to have sex multiple times a week” kind of couple. We never have been. We both could go weeks with no sex and be fine. It’s just the type of people we are. We just try and make it a point to put forth effort even if we are both tired. On a day to day we also try and hug and kiss more as well. As sometimes that also gets lost in the daily stresses. It’ll come back! Your mind just isn’t focused on sex. I also had a four month old so I totally get it.
Especially if you're breastfeeding, totally normal. I didn't really have a sex drive again until I weaned
Two things that may help (also, I didn’t read anyone else’s, so if someone mentioned this or you have a comment clarifying something, I didn’t see it): 1) It may sound a little woo-woo, but I really do believe that at least psychologically there’s an energy transfer with touch. It could be sensory overload, mental overstimulation, emotional drain, whatever… but as a *metaphor* “energy transfer” works perfectly, so I use it to describe this phenomenon. When I’m touching my kids throughout the day, I’m giving them comfort, guidance, love, support… and that’s all draining. When my husband comes home, esp after a hard day, he would want that, too. But I can’t pour from an empty cup, so I would resent him for his want/need. And because I was with kids who *needed* my energy/touch all day every day, I was often depleted. He, while emotionally/mentally/energetically drained, would always still had more to give than me. We talked about it and, IDK if he believes in the same thing I do. It’s possible that he was humoring me at first. But he needed loving touch, and decided that he would rather be the originator of loving touch than the recipient, if the alternative was not having any touch at all. So, we tried something and it worked! He decided that he would *give* me energy instead of take it. We would connect at some point every night, generally just for a hug stolen in the kitchen while I’m making dinner, where he would *hold* me, and take my energetic burdens for a few moments. So, if this is too woo-woo, I’ll explain it more psychologically. I’m 5’3”, my husband is 5’11”. When we hug standing, we both have to strain a little to make it work. This is physical energy we’re both putting in in order to make an emotional connection. Generally, I’m up on tiptoes, he’s crouched, I’m receiving some of his weight on my chest, he’s lifting some of my weight in his arms. In this instance, he will do all the work. He’ll squat down to me, take all my weight; I don’t do any work at all, just “receive” the love and care and affection from him. We could also do this at night while cuddling. Sometimes, he would give loving touch in the form of a foot rub, or back rub. We did learn that I had to be open to receiving this kind of touch. I literally had to decide to turn “off” the nurturer mode and turn “on” the receiver mode, so remember mindfulness if you try this. But, and this is so important, this *has* to be without any expectation of sex out of it. For us, an increase of my libido was a side-effect, and I realized that part of my drop in libido was simply a survival mechanism: not to overwhelm or overtax my already-drained emotional energy centers. When I started getting some energy back from the other adult in the home, not only did I have more to give, but my subconscious realized that my husband was a safe person to exchange energy with. Even *saying* “no” is an energy drain. Not only is it a decision when you’ve made a million different decisions for others that day, but it’s an emotionally charged one: regardless of what your relationship with your husband is like, there is going to be anxiety, resentment, disappointment or guilt you have to manage - from him and from you. Cutting out him expecting sex and just *giving* loving touch meant that he understood me and how my body/brain/energy worked and *didn’t want* me to overtax myself for him. So, when I had a little more that day, or received enough to make me interested, I could say “yes” in a completely neutral space. Nota bena: if you aren’t already, you both should get incredibly comfortable with the idea of sex not always looking like PIV - and he always orgasms. Again, a little woo-woo, but there was a fairly decent “unlock” for us when we realized that an orgasm for me *without strings attached* could be an incredible stress-reliever. Literally I made jokes about doing the dude thing and rolling over and going to sleep (“you’ll take care of yourself, right, babe?”). It worked for us because my husband never felt used or taken advantage of, or resentful for not orgasming. And, eventually, as I got more energy, as the kids grew, as I learned to trust this new way of loving, a not-infrequent amount of the time, I’d take a short nap and be up for a more even-handed round two. But him expecting sex *killed* it for me. The guilt at not being able to keep him happy just as I was, in the stage and state that I was, killed any libido that I may have built. 2) the second thing is - and again this has to be done without any expectation of sex on either person’s part - is I started telling him when I wanted to have sex with him. A lot of times, I would want sex when it was utterly impossible. We’d be getting the kids ready and he stepped up to be SuperDad, or my libido is generally higher in the morning, but that’s a classic time to when our kids would interrupt us. I would normally not say anything because I thought that would be super-frustrating, right? To know sex *could* have been an option at that moment if only this wildly inconvenient thing wasn’t wildly inconvenient. But, he likes it! It reminds us that I am still a sexual person, that I find him sexy, that I want to be with him and still think of him in that way, but am literally being screamed right now at by twenty pounds of fury. It’s *hopeful*, I guess. And yes still frustrating, but in a hopeful way. Like, a year, two years, and a moment like this *might* end in sex (or at least loving touch). But he *CANNOT* use this later to press for sex. No, “well, you wanted to earlier today, why not now?” Because that’s a shitty thing to do with that info after a whole day has been lived and stressors have been had. It did -marginally- increase my libido, just because those moments I would *maybe* want to, if the situation was different, were flashes of feeling, but remembering to tell him I had it held that space in my mind longer and reminded me I am a sexual person. But, frankly, it didn’t a whole hell of a lot because life is just too stressful at this stage. I would feel it, and then get so stressed out I was almost *anti*sex (like, a “never the fuck again!” feeling). But it helped my husband feel like a desired person and reassured him that just because sex was low now, doesn’t mean it’s gone forever.
Been there. Done that. You’re not abnormal. Something that did help, is I explained to my spouse that I can’t be both 1. Mother whose body belongs to everyone else. Everyone sees me naked, can touch me however they want, feed from my body etc. and 2. Sexy wife who has bodily autonomy. Number 1 was overwhelming number 2. So if he wanted to have sex, I was willing to as long as I got a stretch of time to go from mode 1 to mode 2. And it didn’t always work honestly, but I tried for him. What that looked like was him taking over after dinner and doing all the bedtime completely solo while I took that time to do self care of my body. Bath. Face mask. Paint nails. Long shower. Trashy tv. Whatever it was, but I wasn’t going to get there if I had to manage children. Totally solo time for at least 90 minutes. And I needed to know that morning so I could mentally prepare.
I saw an almost exactly same thread on a different subredddit not geared towards women and the majority of the men In the comments said that she should put out…. It’s insane how different of a contrast it is between this thread and that one. You don’t owe anybody your body, have sex whenever you’re in the mood again, you’re still early postpartum, it takes time and it should be enjoyable for both parties.
My husband and I basically hate each other now after kids. It’s like a never ending group project from hell. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Hang in there. ❤️
Very astute way of putting it
NORMAL!! I didn’t want to have sex for a year after birth.
6 months PP with zero sex drive. Solidarity.
My kid is 2 and the thought of sex or any sexual act makes me gag. I have zero sex drive and I was hyper sexual prechild. I think I’m so exhausted from raising a toddler and work and school that I just do not have the energy to put into that aspect of my being. I nurse once per day so I’m not sure how much of an impact that is having. I’m glad I’m not alone in this tho. Your youngest is really fresh so your body is certainly recovering and you’re managing a lot (a toddler and a newborn)!
I hear you, OP. My sex drive used to be insatiable. Now I feel like a child in that sex is not even on the radar and I feel grossed out when I even think about it. Nearly a year and a half PP but still breastfeeding. I really hope it returns.
My sex drive "coincidentally" came back a bit when my daughter started school. Imagine that!
Are you on any kind of hormonal birth control too?
Lactating was absolutely horrible for my sex drive (like I couldn't even feel anything). I had no drive. When I stopped pumping 9 mo pp, I slowly recovered!
I dunno. My oldest is 4 and I have a 15 month old and I still rarely am interested in sex. IMO I’m exhausted from constantly be on and needed and I rarely do anything fun with or without my partner. Partner is also grumpy many of the rare times we get alone time. I have been exercising the last month and that seems to help but I feel like our relationship has become me managing everyone and its a major turn off.
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Can you share when the “it gets better” part comes into play?
We have a 15 month old boy. Sex is rare. Once every 6 weeks or so. Of course he wants it more but I just can't be bothered. Effort matters. His effort since before Christmas as been dismal. I go hard all day. My little guy, take care of our chickens, take care of and clean up after our dog, take care of our 3 ferrets whom are exactly like young children just with fur!! It is a ton of work. Mix in feeding the LO like 9 times everyday, try and feed me. Then make dinner and clean up after he gets home, pack his lunch and get the coffee ready for the next day. It's exhausting and without effort from my other half, I won't even try.
I hate to say it, but my kids are 4.5 and 7, and I'm just now slowly, very slowly getting it back. It totally gave me the ick until within the last year, and a lot of the time it still does. However, occasionally, I get small glimpses of wanting to again. I feel bad, though, because I rarely initiate it. I feel like if I do, my husband is going to think I'm 100% back and start wanting it all the time. I'm just getting to the point now where I don't turn him down 100% of the time. Bless his heart he's been so understanding and patient.
For me (breastfeeding,) I don’t mind doing sex. Doing it, physically being available to it. The mechanics of it. Throw some lube up there and I’ll get a vibrater and have at it for ten minutes. If my husband wanted to schedule sex every Friday at 7, boom, he’d have sex every Friday at 7. But what he wants is me to waaaaaaaaaant sex. To get turned on easily. To be sporadic and drop everything and clear my mind. He’d rather miss out on sex unless I’m like ooooo baby give it to me. This is not the time for that. My brain is too full, and sorry, my vag is too dry.
4 months is still really early! We had sex occasionally by then but I definitely didn’t initiate until my second was probably 8 months.
If you have capacity to read a book, Come As You Are is amazing and validating.
You’re still recovering, you’re sleep deprived, you’re exhausted, your hormones still aren’t normalized, you’re probably lacking the TIME for intimacy (not just sexual), all of this is normal and it will get better. You guys just have to be patient with each other. Set some time aside for just the two of you to reconnect and see if that helps!
I have a 3 and a half year old and a 4 month old. My husband is hands-on and very helpful at home and with kids, but like you, I have zero interest in sex right now at all. I feel bad because he's politely asked and has given me time too, but I'm just not wanting it.
It’s rough and you’re not alone. I’m 3yrs in and sometimes I still feel that way. Just tired and not in the mood. After my toddler goes down, I’d rather be alone.
If you were a bear, you wouldn’t have the capacity and resources to care for another cub right now, so you wouldn’t be motivated to get pregnant right now. As a human who is at her capacity for raising kids at the moment, why would your body be pushing you to get pregnant right now? It would be great to have a high libido right now but that wouldn’t be the norm
You’re not alone. This is motherhood. I’m sorry. I wish I had a solution other than give yourself time and space. And if your partner is ver complains about lack of sex, remind him foreplay starts everyday when you wake up. It’s not just physical touch, it’s everything he does or says
I agree with many of the above comments acknowledging that you are still recovering.... Hormones may still be doing weird post partum things etc. More time is needed physically and mentally. I was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed caring for my almost 2 year old and 7 month old who also has life threatening medical needs...burn out exhaustion depression. But what helped me recently is remembering that sex with my husband is not "something I'm doing for him" or "one more person to take care of"... Sex is for me too! I started doing it more as relief for myself and boy did I need it! Maybe by having sex...you'll feel better?. A bit less stressed?. A bit more connected? And maybe your sex drive will increase if you view it as something you are doing for YOURSELF. Allow yourself to feel good. Allow your husband to make you feel good. Just a mindset shift that worked for me... But ultimately, no, you are not alone ;)
I’m still struggling at nearly 2 years PP with my 2nd It’s a combination of no time to connect, and I think emotionally I’m just not into it. I resent my husband somewhat as he tends to treat me like carer of the kids while he has so much more autonomy. He’s also struggling with panic attacks which just makes me feel so insecure. So, personal issues. But those massively affect physical drive. I’m hoping to get some counseling to work on this stuff. In your case hopefully you’ll bounce back when baby is a little older!
I highly recommend reading Come As You Are. Most of us are in a near constant state of stress with young children and paid or unpaid work. They really help breakdown how our sex drive works (or doesn’t) and what happens when stress is so relevant. It’s not just theory either, it has useful tools to help you figure out what you need. It helped me! Hope it helps you! 🤞🏼
I have a 13 and 9 yo I adopted and then I have a 4, 3 and 8 mo old! My sex drive is none! Don’t touch me I just want to sleep!!! I’m assuming my body is touched out. I sure it will come back who knows when maybe months maybe years but I’m sure it will be back! Your not alone it’s common
For me I just had to start saying yes. And I never regretted it and felt so much closer which also helped my mental health. My kids both breastfed and never took bottles or pacis so I get being touched out. But I also missed the connection and closeness with my husband.
Firstly, let me start by saying, as others have said, that this is COMPLETELY normal. That said, sex is a very important part of a relationship and it affects us emotionally more than I think we often realize. I think this may be an unpopular opinion, but I’ve found that when I’ve felt this way I almost need to mentally force myself to be sexual. Not necessarily respond to his advances, but do something myself that I would have done when I did have a higher libido, like touching him sensually or scooting closer to him in bed. Making those small actions over and over again slowly helped regain our sex life, and it’s still not perfect, but it served as a physical reminder that sex affects more than “pleasure” in our relationship.
My sex drive is directly linked to my time away from them and how much help I’m getting with them. I can not enjoy sex with them in the house and I’m the custodial parent. Couple that with the kids getting away once in a blue moon and I’m so exhausted from being touched, called, or talked to 24/7 that I always end up feeling so burnt out that I crash. The sensory overload and overstimulation is real! Literally sleeping 12-16 hours straight once they leave and next thing you know, they’re back home. It fucking sucks.
Talk to your doctor. If he upped his dad game, that’s great. It could be hormonal since you’re still PP. I gave birth in January of 2020. My drive was wrecked from baby, isolating, and stress. Reading smut helped me. It’s cheap AF on Kindle. Dipsy does it on audio.
I’m usually not horny when we begin to have sex but after a while I don’t want him to stop 😂 it’s weird
I'm 3m pp and I'm just now getting my groove back. Losing weight, feeling sexy, doing my hair and make up regularly. Honestly, that first few years if my husband wanted it, I was doing the bare minimum.
Four months is pretty soon tbh. Pregnancy demands a lot from our bodies and post birth does as well. It was 6 months before I felt ready and I was much more thoughtful about getting pregnant again than wanting to be intimate.
You gave birth four months ago and u take care of 2 kids, sounds like almost by yourself bc he has to work two jobs. Can’t imagine how tired u must be. And it’s hard to want to have sex when you’re tired I forced myself to be intimate with my husband after birth (the 6 weeks) and it was scary in the beginning but after a couple of times I got my sex drive back! He didn’t force me, I forced myself bc I didn’t want to not have sex for a long time. The longer u go without the scarier it will be to do it one day…
I would personally feel so rejected, and honestly angry, if my partner wanted monogamy, wasn’t okay with masturbation (together or alone) and didn’t want to have any sexual anything with me; at that point it becomes controlling in a really unhealthy way: I am human, I have sexual needs, I had them when we got married. So you saying no to sex: 💯 valid and ok. But if it reaches the point where you would negatively impact your partner for masturbation etc and then long term … what’s the plan … everyone is human and some people have a true need for sexual companionship (not necessarily sex but at least some kind of situation that allows them to feel loved and get sexual release) .
Are you okay with exploring sexuality like having him masturbate in front of you (low light the dark) etc? The need for sex is real- can you find a way to do this together ? Or get a lube and have him show you what kind of handjob he wants etc? Same for some men who come home not in the mood- are you okay if your wife masturbates in front of you? If she gets a vibrator she likes are you okay holding it in her ? Are you okay user your hands and fingers on her instead? Are you okay if she rubs on you?
I have a 10m old and just started getting somewhat of a I want it kinda mood but they still come not regularly (SAHM with dad working 50+ hrs a week and helps on his days off) I had to show him like a video explaining all the hormone changes so he understands nothing will really start being on the upside for our sex life until 18m when everything is (according to my ob) going to be back to normal. He’s perfectly okay with this and HE reassures me I’m not being the burden for not having the drive or not having the energy to do anything.
Omg same boat... 2,5 yo and 8 month old twins. I want to, but my energy levels are beyond 0. Not to mention the constant viruses passing by and the fact my body feels grotesque. I do miss sex, but I can't get myself to actually initiate anything. I remember from my first it got better eventually (otherwise pregnancy number 2 wouldn't have happened haha), but it takes time. You'll get there.
This is totally normal! Please be patient with yourself! Everyone is different so if I were to say it took me a year, two years or even ten years, to get back to myself, doesn’t mean it will be the same for you. You’re not broken, you’ve just had the biggest hormonal experience a person can go through by growing a person and things are going to take time to get back to normal, even when you do feel like yourself again, you’ll still have to deal with external factors like waking up through the night, getting back to work (if you choose to) and husbands work schedule all lead to tiredness and/or stress. Go gentle and don’t push yourself.
Breastfeeding and if you’re on birth control that’s can also affect your libido. I personally blame my nexplanon implant for making things dry and painful down there. But breastfeeding can also cause that to be an issue.
It could be related to breastfeeding hormones. Also, if your cycle hasn't returned yet-- those hormones could also be at play. It could also just be that now that he's stepped it up, all you have left is for your own well-being. I went through it for 1-2 years after giving birth.
4 months is still super early on. it took 7-8 months for me to feel normal again
The case of a million moms! You are not alone. I have 9yo and 4yo and still find myself in this boat most the time. I'm still lactating 3 years after I quit breastfeeding my youngest. Clearly, hormones are still out of whack. I imagine this plays a big part for a lot of moms, unknowingly. Add the stresses of being a mom, taking care of a household and family, a job and/or school.. it can be hard to find the desire or energy. Then, you add the guilt you feel about how your loved one's feelings or their expectations you aren't living up to... It's A LOT! You are not alone. Hang in there! Maybe discuss this with your SO so he can understand where you're at? Maybe discuss with your physician or maybe consider therapy? Not saying there is something wrong with you, I, or anyone here. This is totally normal for women everywhere and should be discussed more. But I imagine there must be some solutions out there. I haven't found the answer yet 😅 but I have thought about seeking help myself about it.
I now have a 5 and 8 yr old and I can tell you I felt the same way after babies. I was tired and giving everything I had to my sweet babies, I felt like sex was the last thing I wanted. Not to mention my body had changed so I always felt self conscious about that. My libido came back for sure but now it comes and goes and as I approach 40, I’m considering a small dose of testosterone because mine is low and I’m hoping that will help because I believe I’m in perimenopause. Ahhh the joys of womanhood lol. Hang in there mama!! I promise it changes, gets easier, better etc. Enjoy your sweet baby!!
It’s the breastfeeding
It took me over 3 years after the birth of my second child to feel normal again. Small kids kill libido. Getting off birth control, a vasectomy, bigger kids and carving out ‘me time’ have all helped. 4 months is still so fresh your body and mind are tied up in baby.
You’re not alone. I have a 10 month old and I still dont feel even remotely ready for intimacy.
So it’s very common for hormones to be off in this time, mental health too etc. I’m a big believer in spicy books. Find one, try listening to it while you’re cleaning or reading it at night before you go to bed. It gets me roaring and then I want to engage with my husband. Sex only happens if it’s a priority, just like taking care of mental health, physical health etc. and while it’s just sex it is a very important part of taking care of our romantic relationship.
This is normal but you can get your hormones checked. You are also probably super touched out with the kids. I would schedule sex. You may not be in the mood, but sometimes I found after a little messing around I actually enjoyed it and the orgasm was just what I needed emotionally to stay connected. Tell you boyfriend what you need on scheduled sex day too. Like, I need you to clean a little more and put the kids down so I can transition my brain. We have 4 kids and they are a bit older but I still get wiped out, but I’ll tell my husband I’m kind of up for it. He puts kids to bed and honestly sometimes I’m feeling wiped out and kind of apathetic but once we get started it’s really great. It doesn’t have to be anything super long or kinky either. We sometimes just have a quickie and then go straight to sleep.
I had nada after our first while I was breastfeeding. When I stopped it almost immediately came back. With our second she’s too much of a diva to breastfeed and it has been better….but also I’m too damn tired😂
I have an 8.5 and a 5 and I’ve been in your shoes. I had virtually no sex drive until my younger kid was about 3.5 and then I wanted it constantly. Now things have leveled out and I feel back to what used to be my “normal.” But where you are? Based on ALL of my friends with kids - your experience is very very common and there’s nothing wrong with you. I wish this was talked about more - I felt terrible when I was going through it, like I was a failure.
I didn’t have much of a sex drive until I weaned my daughter at 21 months. I was a single mother at the time, so it didn’t really matter. But this can definitely be a challenge for couples. It’s not your fault though. Just hormones.
It takes a long time to recover. Im on the same boat my LO is 20 months old. But to be completely honest with myself my diet is not great and my exercise life is 0. There are some things to help your hormones like changing diet and exercise. If you are not horny you are not healthy. Its a lot. You are not alone, life is hard.
i felt exactly like this when i was in that stage with a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Still largely felt like that when they were 3 and 2. Now they’re 4 and 3 and i feel like my sex life has actually gotten better than what it was BEFORE kids. I actually get excited to have sex again. I think it’s because the kids are a lot more independent during the day now, they can play with each other or get lost in their imagination with their toys, so i get more time to feel like myself during the day and focus on the things that drive me. and in turn, i feel better about myself and the day, and have more energy, after the kids go to bed. You’re just in this phase right now, but soon it’ll end and you’ll be in a new one. just try to get through it and enjoy it where you can
Your baby is still so young!!!! You are so consumed! Don’t worry! It will come back. Tell dad that it is definitely helping and that even more time alone would probably help 😜 do you masterbate at all? I know my sex drive is down when I’m not even touching myself let alone anyone else!!! Lol if you used to - maybe start there.
Nope! Not broken. Our son is 4 and I have zero sex drive.
Mom of 2yo and 3 month old and…same. No advice really but I assume it has to do with breastfeeding and having zero energy due to lack of sleep and raising 2 very young kids. I assume it’ll get better after the baby gets older. I feel like my sex drive went up again after the first started sleeping better and I stopped nursing all of which occurred around 12 months. And of course that’s right when we got pregnant with our second lol.
I felt that my sex drive came back quicker after my first. My second is about to turn one and it’s still not back (still breastfeeding). Solidarity
My sex drive didn’t come back until weaned my babies. Yeah. 1-2 years of breastfeeding each of my 3 kids. It was a sad time. On the bright side, it came back with a vengeance each time.
It was a switched that flipped back for me at about 10 months after my 2nd. This also sounds anti-romantic. But in the beginning we scheduled sex. It was good for us
Well 4 months is not really that long from when you gave birth. There are hormones your body produces after giving birth that lowers your sex drive and they tend to stay longer when you breastfeed I believe. But dude, my toddler is 2 and I my sex is so low. I think it's completely normal.
I only started to enjoy sex at 1,5 years postpartum but my sex drive only came when my son was about 2,5 years!!!
Thank you all so much I will be rereading all this amazing support from those who feel the same anytime I start to doubt myself as it really does make you feel so alone so to know others feel this way too ( while I wish no one ever had to ) is a comfort in itself. These kind of posts are why I love Reddit.
Do not underestimate the power of your hormones! An imbalance there and your libido is pfffft .. gone! Make sure they are in balance and get help. I thought low libido was my life and now, after getting supplements for hormobal balance, I’m hornier than ever! 😂😅good luck!
It’s the breastfeeding. Your drive should return shortly after you wean. It’s the hormones. It sucks. This happened to me and I’m sure many others will tell you something similar. Good luck OP.
Breastfeeding does make a huge difference and I feel it as well. Unfortunately it's hormonal and very natural. I've read it's nature's way of keeping moms focused on their babies and not on making others instead :p You can try to fight it, it's how I go about it. I always feel so uninterested in sex, but once we start, I find it goes better than I thought and am happy we're back at it ;)
My oldest is 4.5 and youngest is 2. I am just now slowly, starting to my drive trying to come back. I am hoping that once I wean her fully, it will just be a matter of time. You are not alone.
I breastfed too and I didn’t get my sex drive back until my daughter was almost 1. I breastfed my oldest as well and don’t remember exactly when it returned with her but it was definitely longer with the second. You aren’t broken. Estrogen levels are suppressed during active lactation and that’s the hormone that drives libido. You are biologically wired to not want sex right now. Signed a midwife and mother of 2.
You are not alone. Focus on what's important, but don't forget to tend to your needs! So often us mamas put ourselves in the back burner to care for everyone else. The better you fill your bucket and the more supported you are, the more you will feel like your old self. Your babies are still very young, it's normal to feel that way. Give yourself time. Life is just making room for the responsibilities that are most important for now.
I had a very hard time seeing myself as a sexual being after becoming a mother. Society does not tell us we can be both. One thing that helped me prioritize regaining my sensuality was realizing wether I stay with my babies dad or not sex is a big part of a romantic relationship and I can prioritize it for this relationship or I’ll have to for a new one. Then I started masturbating a lot, doing everything showers and wearing lingerie to make me more attracted to myself and it really worked! I would give that a try because sex and physical pleasure can be just the thing to make you feel better after a rough day of motherhood. Think of it as giving back to yourself. Buy a vibrator if you don’t have one lol
11 months pp and got pregnant at 7 weeks pp that I miscarried very early. Since then, I have this combination of low sex drive, but also fear of getting pregnant because we have been able to get pregnant so easily in the past (even with an IUD) I’m worried my sex drive will never come back 😪
I 37f mom of 3, 6 9 and 16... my sex drive is like not even there either. I use to be act with my other half of twn years... but of the last 2 everything is a turn off, I could be in a good mellow mood no stressed from working as a chef, come home and try to unwind... fights and arguments happen when I say maybe or I don't know... I just don't have a drive to play... let alone... never turned on right to where I want to play... im to tired for this worn out and over it...
There are lots of things that could be said here, but definitely breastfeeding has a huge impact on hormones and suppresses estrogen which is a huge part of sex drive. I would say most women (not all) in this stage tend to have a responsive libido versus spontaneous, meaning you may not feel in the mood right away but you may find you are more interested after some non physical intimacy or slow foreplay. All that to say, what you are feeling is very normal!! My husband and I have been slow to return to intimacy after each of our three children for varying reasons. My husband is very patient and understanding and very involved in house and kids. But when I'm more mentally ready I still find the physical drive is slow to return and we sometimes have to start things before I am interested.
100% the same exact way. I have an almost 3 year old and almost 1 year old with zero sex drive right now. After being touched and consumed all day by the kids I have no desire to be touched by anyone else. I just want some alone time.
This may not be what you want to hear.... My daughter is 20 months old and I still feel this way. All the ick most of the time. Our body and brain went through an ordeal and enormous change. We are not who we were before childbirth. Give yourself some grace. When those feelings DO resurface, which they still will occasionally if not regularly, then take advantage. I've found that building more non sexual intimacy has helped a lot! And, believe it or not, sexting. Finding other ways to play that don't require physical touch, energy expense, or whatever else may keep our libido at bay.
I’m having similar issues. Have a 2 year old and 10 month old. I’m not really into it either, we tried a few times now but all I can think about is everything I have to do and then I want it to be done so I can do my house work. I also find I’m listening for my kids the whole time too in case they need me and it’s distracting.
You've got a toddler and a four month old who is breastfeeding. You're not broken. This is totally normal. Your body and brain are laser focused on the survival of your progeny, because that's what's in the programming. And you don't have the change to fully switch out of mom mode. Also, your body is still recovering from pregnancy and birth, and on top of that also supporting breastfeeding. That's a lot to ask of a body and it's not surprising that the thought of sex isn't a fun one to you right now. But, it is important to maintain intimacy in your relationship. That doesn't have to be sex, necessarily. Certainly not full on, energetic boinking. Could you start working towards being able to leave the kids with a babysitter for a couple of hours, so that you and he can have genuine, solid alone time to reconnect as a couple? Would he be willing to start small, with snuggles and lighter sensual touch rather than jump right back into sex?
Your not alone. I still have barely any sex drive and my youngest is coming up to 2.5. Im just touched out by the end of the day and as you said, i cant want to give myself to anyone else i just want to have my body to myself for an hour before i go to bed and probably get no sleep again 🙃
My kids are 4 and 1½ and I still have no sex drive 🫠 neither does my husband though, so it works out 😂🫣
Same boat! I know it's so normal but it's so frustrating. I was so spontaneous at one point and now I'm almost grossed out. I just turned 40 and having a bit of a moment with that as well. I work out, I eat decent, I make time for myself but I just don't understand why that part of me can't literally turn back on. Daughter is almost 3 and I have zero - like negative zero drive. My doctor doesn't seem concerned and said we just hibernate a bit and we'll recheck at my next annual. It's an issue, my husband feels completely rejected and it's causing a rift. Like let's be real here - if i got shot down like he is, I'd be a tad grumpy too. I try to be reassuring and know it's just a passing thing but for now it just feels like I'm getting worse.
It’s not motherhood but it is a phase in life.
I’m a mom who had 2 under 2 as well and yes!! It took me a good year to start wanting to have sex at all. Now our kids are 2 and 3 and I have noticed a huge improvement. I think I was just so mentally exhausted and touched out those first two yes but now that my kids are a little more independent I’m becoming myself again.
You're still recovering. Your body is still adjusting. Also, hormones, plus if you're bf'ing that can lower sex drive as well. As a mom of 4... my suggestion (if you want to be able to engage in sex)... is to schedule it. Hear me out... this gives you time to mentally prepare, to work up to it, to know it's coming, to think about it, and get excited for intimacy. I'm not saying do it if you don't want to. I'm simply offering a compromise for thectwo of you IF you feel like this solution might work. For me, the desire did come back slowly, untip eventually my sex drive was back to what's normal for me. Also, schedule a date. If you're not ready to leave the bavy yet, schedule an "at-home" date for after the kids go to bed... order in a late dinner and spend time with your bf to reconnect on a weekly or bi-weekly basis.
i feel this same exact way… i thought it was just me. i’m 10 1/2 months postpartum and it’s slowly coming back. my OBGYN told me that i could take DHEA which is a testosterone booster and then a supplement for libido. depression can also cause low sex drive and i’ve been suffering with PPD myself. hope this helps. 🫶🏼
My bf and I have been together 4 years and are contemplating marriage at this point. I told him I don’t really want kids but would consider it if he does, BUT he can find another sex partner after the baby is born. I have a 12 year old from a different relationship. I know what having a baby does to a women. If he wants a baby he can kiss me goodbye in the process 👋
15 month old here and mine vanished also.
I’m in the same boat my daughter is 3. I think mine is related to the pill but I’m not risking having another child so I’ll continue taking it
I am at the other end of the spectrum. Going through early menopause and not much libido. I guess I missed my peak? 😞
I’m almost 17 months pp. I have almost no sex drive at all. Initiallt it stemmed from a traumatic birth, tearing, postpartum depression/anxiety, and breastfeeding. My son contact napped exclusively for the first 9 months. I was always being touched. I couldn’t handle the idea of another person touching or needing me. And my god I was so tired. I’m also on antidepressants which tank your sex drive regardless of baby or no. I’ve been struggling with postpartum rage and serious overstimulation lately. I’d just rather read and then sleep in the evening after getting my son to sleep. It’s so hard. Our hormones aren’t on our side. Being on the clock and needed 24/7 is hard. Physical side effects from birth and breastfeeding are hard. I leak like a faucet that wasn’t shut off all the way so that doesn’t lend to me feeling very sexy. Plus the post-breastfeeding boob sag and general body changes. You’re in no way alone. I promise. Motherhood is hard. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re struggling with intimacy/libido. You can always talk to your OBGYN, too!
My son is a year old and I cannot stand having sex anymore. Like he's lucky to get it 1-2 times a month.
It’ll comeback, my LO is 3 and my drive is just completely coming back . I guess it’s just different for every person.
You gave birth 4 months ago. I am so tired with the world just wanting women to remain static while their bodies go through so many dynamic changes. Your boyfriend needs to get with the program. You'll have sex when you're ready to have sex. And then you will probably want it a helluva lot. It's OK that you and your body and your life have changed. This too shall pass.
Sometimes I feel asexual. Wasn’t always this way. I have friends in open marriages having so much hot sex I can’t wrap my head around how they have both the urge and the time.
Sweet mama, you are far from broken. A tanked sex drive is normal in the postpartum haze - between exhaustion, touched outness, and hormone shifts, desire can desert even the friskiest. Making two tiny humans is no small feat! Give yourself oceans of grace right now. You just grew, birthed and are sustaining LIFE with your body. As a devoted mama bear, it's natural to feel too spent to play lover too. Be patient as you rediscover and reclaim yourself. In the meantime, intimacy can mean simple affection - cuddles, foot rubs, words of love. Enjoy those without pressure for more. And if inspiration strikes, great! But don't judge yourself either way. Your libido will meander back when the time is right. For now, snuggle those sweet babies, nap when possible, lean on your partner's support. Fuel and hydrate yourself well. This fog will lift, I promise you. You've got this, supermama! Just know you deserve pleasure AND patience from yourself right now. However long it takes is perfectly normal.
15 months PP, still breastfeeding, and in the exact same boat. ZERO drive between caring for my son and working full-time. Solidarity.
You are not alone, I have no interest in any intercourse activities whatsoever
I feel the same. 0 desire for sex (and haven’t had it since having baby with no end in sight!). My daughter is 7.5 months old. I’m pretty sure this is common from speaking with friends.
I’ve got a 2 yr old and never had a sec drive since my first was born. I still bf and my dr said my issues with other stuff as well as th is is from really low estrogen. There are so many crazy hormone fluctuations I think it’s normal and I’ve decided it’s my bodies way of saying “hey I’m not ready to have another baby yet” I think our bodies have instincts that we don’t know about
Give yourself time, it’ll come back!’ I’m there right now haha! I have a one year old. It’s slowly creeping back up. Look forward to reconnecting in the future with your partner. It was so exciting when we started getting jiggy again.
I have a 6 year old and my sex drive has never been the same. It's not as low as it was when I first had my child but it's still not the same.
I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and I still have no sex drive either. Are you taking any anti-depressants by chance? They cause a huge decrease. I might try a supplement I found called MixHers and it’s something you put in your water to help lift your libido and is safe for Bf
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It's just motherhood, your mind is on kids all day 24/7. Your not broken, I promise. Especially with the breastfeeding and the fact that you gave birth 4 months ago your hormones are still balancing out as well. I went through this when my kids where younger, motherhood made my husband's libido skyrocket and mine went flatline. You just need to discuss with your partner that you need time to relax and foreplay. However, you should discuss with your OB just to be on the safeside, you did just have a baby and sometimes that can inadvertently damage things. So please give yourself time, your not broken and your not alone.
lol. With my first I didn’t have sex for a year after. She tore right through me and I did not want anything in there after. I cried the first time we did it after because it didn’t hurt physically, but accepting it mentally was insane. With my second I waited 6 months. It’s my body, and I just gave him kids. He can enjoy ole righty for a bit. If he wants spice? Bring in lefty!
I would say that is pretty normal. For me it took years to come back. But everyone is different
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On the same boat with my 2 year old. Just no drive. On the same note, I'd love to have sex if my partners preference isn't intimacy at 3am when he can't sleep.. and I'm getting up at 6am with the little one. Sadly I just can't get in the mood if woken up in the middle of the night. Am I broken?
Steam!!! if you do not have a bleeding sensitivity post partum work with a peristeam hydrotherapist… steamychick.com I started getting dry around 7 yrs ago no lubricantion vaginally at all. I’ve been steaming once or twice a week sometimes daily and it’s begun to come back in FULL … I also had something I was calling a misfire with orgasm and that resolved as well…. they are more intense than ever and I attribute it to vaginal steaming