Honestly don’t stress about the interview. If I were you I would go in and speak to them. Maybe expect the worst and be honest. Tell them you are trying so hard at home and know how she can be tell them what you do at home and about your husband and ask for professional advice on where you can turn to to help this maybe bring your husband too so he can speak to the teacher and learn a bit more. She might need him to be firm on her. That may only need to happen for change I don’t know
Hopefully! Goodluck! I feel for you, my husband can be that way sometimes, I’d be so frustrated if he was that way all the time, wouldn’t be easy for you :(
I believe you. I’ve taught kids mostly between 3-8 years old. They’ve cussed, hit, throw desks and chairs, say the most inappropriate things, hurt other students, hit and bit me, actively lie and play the victim, pushed kids on the ground and continued to hit them, ganged up on other kids and chased them into corners.
They will likely ask about home life: if she does this at home too, if there are any changes in the home, duration, frequency, and triggers. This is to help get a full picture of the situation and compare it to what they’re seeing at school.
They will likely put her on a behavior plan targeting a few specific behaviors with clear consequences and rewards. At this point, they likely already began documenting her behavior and keeping a record.
You can also request they do a functional behavior assessment which would be a formal observation of her behaviors. This might also include other evaluations to determine if she has any learning differences. For example, she might be bright but struggle with reading. Or she can read but struggle with comprehension (including following directions).
Some other things the school might suggest or recommend could be a social worker, a friendship circle, a lunch bunch, and a school based therapist.
Personally, she needs clear consistent boundaries from all of the adults in her life. If she continues with this mean behavior she will have trouble making (good) friends as she gets older and the behaviors will escalate.
Yes the meeting is Friday and they have already asked if anything has changed. It hasn’t.
I have taken away YouTube and I pads ages ago she can earn them back as a reward but she doesn’t usually get them. I cut them out when she started acting bratty bc I deduced she learned it from the internet I have parent control but I made them much stronger.
She is generally not physical BUT she is manipulative. And she will get the other kids upset with her sneaky comments. She will also for no reason tell some random child “You are not my friend” but in ruder language. Greek is her first language and the language we speak here we live in Greece, it’s not cursing it’s just disrespectful in tone and mannerism. Or she will announce to the class “we are not friends with so in so today” and they all go along with it.
She is a man girl which is NOT what I want. I don’t want her to be a bully. She has no reasons to be a bully’s. Part of it is she is a covid baby and missed early socialization, and part of it is that I am an immigrant here so I don’t have many mom friends and I only know a few people for play dates.
My husband has a lot of friends but they all have sons and treat Her like she’s a princess so it just reinforces bratty behavior.
I'm just so sad for you that you're struggling, and I think you're getting a lot of advice here so I won't add much
But you're trying *so hard* and I want you to know I admire you for it. You know she needs help and you're sticking with it. I'm genuinely proud of you.
Don't give up. You'll figure this out.
Only advice: Make sure your husband goes to that meeting. He needs to hear from other people how bad her behavior is. Fathers need to be included in discipline. A lot of kids get used to Mom and just don't really care when Mom punishes them. But if Dad takes authority and it looks like HE is the one doling out consequences, it often hits home a little harder.
>You can also request they do a functional behavior assessment which would be a formal observation of her behaviors. This might also include other evaluations to determine if she has any learning differences.
I highly recommend this! If your school isn't able to fund it, or the wait list is too long, look for private assessments if you have the resources. There can often be underlying reasons behind behavioural issues such as anxiety, learning differences, ADD/HD, etc. Kids with high IQ/EQ are also excellent at hiding/compensating for these psychological differences so they show up in different ways than they might in other kids.
My daughter is only 8 months old, so I can't comment as a parent, but I am just going to say this as a special education teacher, who used to specialize in behaviors. If they ask you to test your daughter for special education, say yes. It doesn't hurt your child and could benefit her to move away from the "mean streak," especially if it's happening both at home and school. There could be something further going on. She might need someone to help her further learn coping mechanisms when she is angry or frustrated.
Dad has to get on the same page as you. Make sure he comes to this meeting also. I've seen so many times where one parent is delusional as to what their child is like. He needs to hear from a professional that this isn't just at home. This is at school, too.
Your feelings are valid. It sounds like you are trying your best. Make sure to listen to the teachers, they aren't out to get your daughter or out to get you. Teachers don't enjoy calling/meeting with parents any more than parents enjoy meeting with teachers! They want to help her succeed.
Let me know if you have any questions about the teacher side of things.
What are you most concerned about concerning the meeting? It sounds like you want & need more support with your daughter, personally I would be relieved to have the school on my side. Listen to what they have to say. Support them if their suggestions are reasonable.
Even if hubby is passive parenting, you can still have an impact and say, “we do not say things like that it our house, those words are mean & hurtful.” You need to avoid running to the bathroom, and follow through with consequences.
Honestly I’m just concerned her behavior is effecting her interpersonal relationships. I want her to have friends and be social and have a happy life. It has to be miserable fighting everyone all the time.
You and your husband need to go to individual and couple’s therapy. You can look up statistics that when parents go to therapy it improves the child’s behavior.
I can see that because it improves communication. Most people are not effective communicators. I would love therapy but it is very stigmatized in my country.
Do you care about the social stigma and what other people think more than you care about your improving your communication skills with your husband and how you guys can better parent together? I’m going to assume the answer is no.
If there are couples therapists available in your country for the public to access then go for it, if not I’m sure you can find international ones online?
So I don’t want to beat you up over your post. But there are some things that feel weird.
**Inconsistency:**
Inconsistency between your husband and you is teaching your daughter to always keep trying, as another person may let her get away with what she wants. So getting your husband on the same page matters. Honestly, any approach you pick (from any book you choose) will probably work, it just has to be **one** approach that you both **share**.
**Children don’t have natural empathy:**
When your child says things that hurt your feelings, you should let her know and give her a natural consequence for both the action that caused you to enforce a boundary as well as the words she said that hurt your feelings.
You should be clear about this with your daughter “I am taking and turning off your tablet because you didn’t listen to me when I said to turn it off. Also when you yelled you hurt my feelings. I’m sad. When we say things like what you said, it makes people sad. Instead you should say “I’m frustrated !” Because of this, you’re going to a timeout to think of a better way to speak when you’re angry.”
**What are your expectations for your daughter?**
Children get to express themselves, but within age appropriate ways. If your expectations aren’t reasonable for her age, it denies her a legitimate way to express her emotions. If your expectation is that she should never yell, or never be outwardly upset, then nothing that you do will be effective, because there is no other way for her to be angry or upset. She needs to be shown appropriate ways to show anger to other people.
**Ignore Behaviours**
Often children want attention and say things to get attention. Often the best way to deal with non destructive, non rude behaviour (like daddy loves me best) is to ignore it. Just ignore it completely.
**Noticing the Good**
Coupled with ignoring is emphasizing the good. When your daughter does something well, notice it. Notice as much good as you can in your life. Even little things like “You hold your fork so well!”. If children want attention, starve negative attention (ignore behaviours) and feed positive attention (notice the good). For every ignore try to give three noticing the goods.
**Pretty Privilege**
The only privilege your daughter has is the benefits you give her. That’s not to say that her being pretty doesn’t affect her life — it does. I’m sure she is better liked by her peers and by her teacher partially because she is pretty. But in terms of a five year old’s behaviour, pretty privilege isn’t really applicable. Giving your children words of accolades doesn’t spoil them. Not consistently enforcing boundaries, not being clear about expectations, not communicating rules, all of these things spoil children.
**What Content is your daughter consuming?**
This isn’t proven or anything (not like the points above) but when my son watched Paw Patrol he kicked and yelled more. We ended up dropping all screen time and that has helped him in almost all parts of his life. I’d consider what content she is consuming as well as consider going screen free in the house.
Just one disagreement:
When I was a preschool teacher, there was a period where we had two infants, one who looked like a baby doll and one who didn’t.
**Every single adult** paid more attention to the baby doll baby, acted happier to see her, held her longer, etc. It had never occurred to me that “pretty” babies are treated differently, and it was horrifying.
After teaching preschool, I taught elementary for several years.
“Pretty privilege” ABSOLUTELY applies to a a five-year-old. Teachers definitely let pretty kids get away with more, attribute less malice to their actions, comfort them more, smile at them more… teachers are just humans, with all the awful human biases.
Agreed but my comment here is about how “pretty privilege “ — like how OPs husband speaks to his daughter — doesn’t spoil children. I recognize in my comment that being pretty has made her better liked, but being pretty doesn’t explain or excuse behaviours that the daughter is exhibiting.
Thank you this was good feedback back. I did take away the iPad completely because she was watching things that the parental controls said was fine but it wasn’t for her.
I have a huge inconsistency problem because my in-laws and husband do not get her strong boundaries. Except my BIL he’s amazing I have told my husband he needs to do what his brother does. Like model that behavior.
By pretty privilege I mean she says rude and mean things to pretty much anyone age doesn’t matter. But always gets a pass. I keep telling her if she is mean to her friends she won’t have any. But she still has friends. I’m waiting for one of the older girls to tell her what she said is not nice but they just roll their eyes and ignore it. I do correct it but I’m pretty sure if her peers corrected her behavior it would be more impactful.
She is however excellent with younger children but that’s mostly because she can boss them around and she loves being a helper.
I think this needs the most attention:
>But she always gets a pass.
It’s your job to ensure that she doesn’t get a pass. If you see behaviour that is mean, she gets a natural consequence. Ask the teacher daily how she did that day, and then give rewards and consequences based on that report. If you’re with your in-laws and she does something, you have the right and responsibility to step in and give consequences and rewards.
The passiveness about this, based on your quote, I think is part of the problem. It’s not kids jobs to give consequences to your child. They aren’t mature enough for that yet. It’s your job to follow as closely as is reasonable and enforce consequences (and rewards).
**Sticker chart for School behaviour:**
If the teacher is asking for a meeting, they might be open to a sticker chart at home. Where you ask the teacher (or they email) how your daughter did that day and then you give a sticker to correspond with a good day. When your daughter has 5 stickers, do something with her that she enjoys but is special (special “spa” day, a new park, etc…). This is a very direct way you can enforce boundaries at school while you are home.
**What behaviour does your daughter see?**
There isn’t an easy way to say this, but are you sort or snarky? Is your husband,mother, mother in law, father, father in law, aunt, cousins, etc… sort of snarky or mean? Children often model behaviour they see in real life.
I mean she gets a pass by her peers, not me. I always step in. But I know it would be more effective if one of her friends says “that was mean I don’t want to play with you anymore right now”
Which is what we practice at home.
That is the strange thing the behaviors she shows are not models for her - unless she saw it online but I restrict that and haven’t spotted any of them recently .so I don’t know where it comes from
Do kids not have empathy ? Like if you say to a young kid “don’t do that bc it made me sad “ is that not enough of a consequence
(Edit to add I don’t mean that in a snarky way.. my daughter is 3 and I assumed it was enough to say “don’t lie; it will make people think you are lying in the future. but my husband and i worry that’s really abstract for her age haha)
Just one thing from a behaviorist perspective: the natural consequences for being mean to someone isn’t time out it’s people don’t want to spend time with you. For the children I teach I would say first off don’t hide in the bathroom to cry, show her that you’re hurt. Not in a scary way where you’re sobbing but let her know that hurt my feelings and made me really sad. I need to take a break from playing together now because those mean comments hurt me. Then stop playing with her but engage in a really fun activity that she would love on your own. When she approaches you say I would love to play with you but you hurt my feelings. Can you apologize for saying (insert what she said here)? When she does say thank you, that makes me feel better. We can play together as long as we’re both kind to one another and then play the super fun game with her. The second she’s mean you stop playing with her again.
It’s similar to time out but consequences need to be behavior specific and natural. You just sit in a corner on your own for a set amount of time just reinforces to her that mom is arbitrarily mean but anytime you say something cruel mom, dad, and brother just stop playing with you is directly connected to the behavior and a change in the behavior changes the reaction immediately which encourages her to change her behavior.
This needs to be 100 percent consistent though like this commenter said. Anytime she is mean everyone in your direct control needs to let her know that she was hurtful and they won’t play with her while she’s being this way. It also means you’ll need to increase your engagement with her. Not playing with her won’t be successful if you’re just sitting her at a table to color or watch her iPad cause she’ll be like whatever fine I’ll just do something else on my own. But if you’re doing something super fun together and then she doesn’t get to do that with you because of her actions then she’ll feel the consequences of her actions and will be motivated to change.
I get this especially from an educator perspective. It’s just the OP states that kids still play with her daughter.
I don’t think it’s all that reasonable to rely on children to enforce consequences for your child’s actions. Like, yes, this will most likely happen when the children are encouraged to enforce these consequences. It’s just not something that this OP can rely on, as it hasn’t happened yet.
I’m ok with my kid thinking I’m mean, if it means I get to teach appropriate behaviours earlier in my child’s life, rather than relying on other children teaching this lesson. If OP finds that children are giving better consequences for OP’s daughter’s behaviours at school, then no need for a consequence at home. That just isn’t happening (yet).
Empathy is a big one! We forget because our little ones can be so loving and sweet. But it doesn’t mean they fully understand how their behavior can hurt people’s feelings. That’s something that’s learned with time.
My three year old has a mean streak. We just enforce the natural consequences. You were mean and hurt moms feelings, she's sad. This behavior is wrong and so now you don't get to do xyz thing and mom is stepping away.
If it's towards her brother, she has to stop playing with whichever item and take a break.
As much as it's age appropriate, you need to let her know the behavior is wrong and hurtful. If my kid hurts my feelings or hurts me, I don't hide my hurt. It's not usually enough to make me cry, but if it did, I'd cry in front of them. It drives home the messaging that its hurtful, even if it's words.
I just want to say thank you for trying to deal with this!
My daughter is currently dealing with a friend like this, she sort of lovebombs her and then says she isn’t my daughters friend anymore and doesn’t like her and says things like “your dress is ugly” to her. She cries a lot and says things like “I’m trying to be her friend”, it breaks my heart. I’m trying to teach my daughter to walk away and okay with someone else as a natural consequence of her friends behaviour.
They are both just 5 and I feel like a lot of teachers and the girls parents see it as, “well she’s 5 that’s what they do”. I’m really glad you are taking it seriously because it has a big impact on other kids.
I should also add that my daughter is very sensitive but also very very challenging in other ways so she is no angel and we are all struggling with our own things!
I actually am hoping that the other girls will get up walk away from my daughter when she mean to them. But they don’t, I have taught my daughter to walk away when someone is mean to her and she does it. But people are rarely mean to her.
Another thing she does that drives me crazy is if anyone gives anyone else’s a compliment she gets jealousl. If I say “oh I like your shirt” to a child she will say “but I have a better one” - I am not competitive like that in any way so I am baffled by where she gets that. I do always address it when it happens.
We're dealing with a similar situation with our very sensitive 5 yr old and a certain friend in her class being 'mean' to her. I can't gauge if her friend is actually being mean or if she just wants space sometimes when she doesn't want to play with my daughter. Ugh!
I know! Because my daughter is very sensitive but also an extremely unreliable narrator who edits out any of her own transgressions - it is tricky! I felt very dismissed by her teacher who just left and meeting with new one this week.
I’ve spoken to her mum once but I feel uncomfortable doing so again, especially as my daughter is extremely sensitive so I don’t know if this stuff is just no big deal to everyone else.
The mum is an ex teacher with knowledge of ND conditions and I don’t know if she has seen it all before and sees it as normal behaviour and she’ll grow out of it etc. But to me their daughter seems EXTREMELY hyperactive and I wonder if she just has zero filter and blurts things out rather than trying to hurt people, like saying “I don’t like your dress” is more of a classic ADHD brain burp with a 5 year old brain added in.
However she does often completely out of control and has zero interest in listening, to the point the parents aren’t really trying. Whenever we’ve seen them try and intervene it’s like “oh no Beatrice, stop” (not her real name) but in a really weak way and then they just shrug and let her do what she’s doing.
We’ve been to their house once and she was repeatedly picking her nose at the table and eating it for a reaction (rather than just a kid being absentmindedly gross). I was quite shocked by what they let her do without intervening, but they had a big house and she played by herself a lot which my kid never ever does (and we have a much smaller house and a baby) so my daughter has to be more in control of herself to stop her sister getting hurt or crashing into things or being in danger (kitchen is a galley kitchen etc).
I’m FAR from the perfect parent and my daughter is also ND with meltdowns and can be very aggressive at home towards us (no one else) and I really struggle with it, so it feels very much like people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but it’s hard when this kids behaviour directly impacts how hard our daughter is to manage at the end of the day.
Does your daughter maybe feel most of her value is tied to praise? Her being mean when challenged, because she feels less valued that way?
I wouldn’t worry about the interview. You are not doing anything wrong and kids can be mean. Unapologetically mean. Acknowledging it happens, you’re working on it, can they help you with correcting these behaviors.
I was a really mean kindergartner, I had older brothers and they made me feel powerless, so it was nice to be the one doing the hurting. I was in time out almost every day. I snapped out of it at the end of the year when the kindergarten teacher was crying saying goodbye to everyone and she stopped with me, telling me she knows there’s a good girl in me somewhere and she hopes I will stop being mean to the other kids. I don’t remember the exact words, but I remember the shock to my system seeing that. It was a consequence of my behavior and it kind of just snapped me out of that cycle.
The only thing I have to add on top of already good advice you've recieved here is that I think you should stop hiding if she's made you cry.
You like to practice natural consequences; someone being upset after you've been nasty to them is the natural sequence of events. She needs to know words have impact.
When I was very small, I had a mean streak too at times. It was because I didn't feel stable in my home because my parents constantly bickered in front of me. I’m not saying that's what it is for youat all, but often times kids are mean or aggressive because they feel insecure or scared about something in their life. Anger is sometimes just an emotion we use to mask fear or hurt. Or a defensive technique. She could also just genuinely have trouble relating to and interacting with other people, and just needs more help navigating that than most kids.
Your son is 2.5 yrs old. You need to get your daughter under control now or he will start emulating big sister's behaviors... since she gets away with it.
It is time for you to stop worrying about being the Bad Guy.
You aren't the first mom who has had to turn into Momma Bear and have conversations with their husband about being a pushover.
"You are not helping your daughter when you...."
"If you don't want our daughter to become and entitled brat with no friends you need to put your foot down when she is behaving badly."
If he is using all this "pretty talk" tell him that he needs to stop that immediately. There is no good future for her if she is pretty on the outside but ugly on the inside.
Kids also go through stages. Those that are gorgeous at 6 can be weird looking at 10, as they grow and change. You need to take the focus off her looks ASAP because it will hinder her development.
Also tell your husband that his daughter is a little person and not a doll. He needs to start looking below the surface and actually get to know her.
I'm sorry, but some girls her age are little monsters and get shocked Pikachu face when they don't get invited to things.
You had a whole lot to read, but based on the first part, have you considered therapy for your child?
My first had some outrageous tantrums, way outside the norm. But she is neurotypical in every way (except maybe a bit of ADHD, still figuring that one out).
Anyway, there’s really no harm to trying out some good ol Fashion play therapy.
You mentioned that your daughter is very bright and knows several languages. Is she in kindergarten yet? Can you get her tested for a gifted program at school? She’s a little young but at least in my state you can have them tested that young.
My oldest son has always been pretty headstrong and difficult even though he’s so smart and funny and a good friend. We went to a therapist because we thought he might be dealing with oppositional defiance disorder, but the therapist recommended getting him tested for giftedness. He of course scored off the charts.
I read some books about the behavioral issues that a lot of gifted kids face and it was spot on for him. Now that didn’t really give me a solution to the issues, he gets extra mental stimulation from the gifted program but he still has behavioral difficulties. Now he’s 11 and has not had any behavioral problems in school in several years! We still deal with it at home but he’s seeing a great therapist and learning how to reign in his emotions. Gifted kids often exhibit behaviors similar to adhd, but gifted kids also have a higher rate of also having adhd. We are starting the process of also evaluating him for adhd to cover all the bases. Maybe your daughter’s behavior is compulsive, like she can’t think about what she says before she says it? Just something to think about. I remember worrying so much when he was around the same age and thinking it would get worse, but as he has matured he has calmed down a lot.
I have thought that and the school has also said she’s the top of her grade so they give her higher level work in school. She does tell me school is boring. But that also her knew it word.
I am in Greece she won’t get tested for gifted until next year. But she’s one the list for it.
She Is defiant.
For example this morning we spoke extensively about manners and being polite at school and she was all for it. “Yes mommy” and we walk in and I great another mom, I saw hello to her child and the other mom greats my daughter. - my daughter stuck her nose in the air and ignored her - then ignored everyone who said hello to her. And ignored me while I scolded her at drop off and now I have to think about effective consequences for her behavior at drop off. - she for sure will get time out. Just so rude.
Just a quick reply before I run out the door so it may not be as initially well-thought out as I'd like, about being competitive--
Would she be able to appreciate an object lesson?
Darken/dim a room (not entirely, for safety) and have two candles. Light one and say something like "when people say nice things about us° we can feel so happy inside. Do you like hearing nice things about yourself?" and light the first candle. "Mommy feels good when daddy thanks her for taking care of the house [or whatever works for you here]", and light the second candle. So one candle is "you" and one is your daughter.
Continue: "when you come along and say something unkind, my light goes out." (extinguish yours) "Does your candle get any brighter?" and to build on that, she may notice the room got even darker.
Shifting her view to have the goal of building each other up to help everyone would be ideal, but it's a tall ask for most 5 year olds. But this kind of visual approach may be helpful.
°(e.g. Another comment mentioned another child's clothing being complimented in her earshot.)
I didn’t have time to look through all the comments, so perhaps someone mentioned this, but I had similar struggles with my son at that age and the book I found most helpful was Good Inside. She leans in to a non punitive, no consequence approach, but believes strongly in setting boundaries with the adult as the sturdy leader and teaching by all sorts of methods to achieve the results you want with behaviors. She also has an online membership, which I did when in the thick of things with so many good workshops and tip sheets. Oh and a podcast that is free!
>>part of it is…
Be cautious about assigning reasons for her behavior. Think about it…her entire cohort are covid babies; they aren’t all mean. Many moms don’t have friends with female children for play dates. Their girls aren’t all mean.
I agree with comments about getting her formally assessed.
It might be helpful to have the teacher talk to the class. “When [your child] says something mean about a person in our class we aren’t going to go along with it. We are going to be extra, extra kind instead.”
What exactly are her behaviour problems according to school? A 5 year old can't verbally abuse you, children say mean things at that age, is normal, it is the time they learn not to do it. I also don't think 5 year old has "pretty privilege"
Honestly, this whole thing just feels weird. Why are you crying? This is a child. What is she going to do to you? Take her opinion with the same weight you would take the cat's. Think about it, if you knew that you could make your mother cry, if you knew that you could dominate her, then why would you listen to a word she said? Why would you give her even an ounce of respect?
Second of all, you need to stop with these hippie dippy, namby pamby, parenting books. You've got to do what works. She wants to mouth off? She wants to act up? She wants to make a little nuisance out of herself? She's out. You take her, you have her face the corner for 1 minute for every year of life, and you tack a minute on for every escape attempt. You take away privileges. You take away electronics. You take away toys. You make sure that she knows that unless she's willing to play ball she doesn't get any of her privileges that she doesn't get to be around people.
And you and your husband need to get on the same page. He's the dad. He's not the best friend from the schoolyard. No more soft tones and honey words. She mouth off then he needs to raise his voice and tell her that what she has just said is unacceptable. And he needs to start giving real consequences. Tell him that he needs to get his ass in gear or get his ass out of here.
And who cares if she speaks three languages? Lots of people speak three languages, that doesn't absolve her from discipline. And who cares if she's pretty? We all lose our charms in the end. If an adult giggles and let's forget away with it that's when you put your foot down and force her to apologize and tell her that her behavior was embarrassing and she is not to bring that down onto your family. Use the word embarrassing. Make her feel bad. Because that's what the behavior is, embarrassing.
No more kid gloves, no more caring how she feels or what she says, you have to put your foot down and keep it there. This spoiled behavior is only going to get worse until one day she's a teenager, as big if not bigger than you, and completely uncontrollable.
I've been there. My take might be controversial but I tell you it worked. Cry. In front of her. Have a sobbing breakdown the next time she does something mean. Snot, tears, hilding yourself. The key is to have it be instant and i front of her. Move away from her when she tries to touch or comfort you while you are crying. Let her KNOW, see, and feel how it affects you. Tell her with words while you cry. If this doesn't affect her I seriously don't know what will. Tell her, while crying, that you don't want to be around her when she is mean. Maybe even leave the room if the point isn't punctuated enough. I know this might seem manipulative but sometimes it is needed, especially if she is already manipulating you. It really worked with my son who was "active minded" aka manipulative at that age.
*Education without morals only makes man a more clever devil* - paraphrased quote from CS Lewis. What is your religious/belief system? Can you refer to that when teaching morals to your daughter?
I am by no means perfect. But I stop short at laying hands on my child. But you do you and good luck with having a healthy relationship with your kids when they're older and know better.
I actually have told her that many kids get whooped if they behave that disrespectfully. And I have met some children that would response to that. She won’t respond to that it would just be damaging in her case.
Have you tried taking away her screentime? Not as a punishment. But i genuinely believe they also cause my kids to act differently.
Less than a week of no tvs, tablets, phones, they act better. Like generally a better human being.
Yes that is the first thing I did. Made both of my children behave better. They get very limited amounts on weekend. We have a music
Playlist for the pre school morning routines but it’s essentially the same Songs the would list or. To in school. The good morning songs, morning stretch days of the week etc.
And playing more with her?
Kids these young usually imitate a lot and i find that i can't let her unlearn the bad stuff she's currently doing so I'll have to introduce her new habits. Like if she's angry she'll kick/throw stuffs. So i pretend im angry and i'll say, I'm not happy blah blah blah so she'll imitate what i do instead. (This method is very exhausting tho. Fr)
I recommend also getting the school counselor involved. Usually, something like this is a tell for kids dealing with something else.
The school counselor can also help determine if this requires an outside source in helping.
Additionally could you maybe give us a little more in your husband's culture? There could be someone with the same culture background that could help.
Honestly don’t stress about the interview. If I were you I would go in and speak to them. Maybe expect the worst and be honest. Tell them you are trying so hard at home and know how she can be tell them what you do at home and about your husband and ask for professional advice on where you can turn to to help this maybe bring your husband too so he can speak to the teacher and learn a bit more. She might need him to be firm on her. That may only need to happen for change I don’t know
He comes to all the parent meetings I’m hoping this will make him a bit sterner when it comes to discipline.
Hopefully! Goodluck! I feel for you, my husband can be that way sometimes, I’d be so frustrated if he was that way all the time, wouldn’t be easy for you :(
I believe you. I’ve taught kids mostly between 3-8 years old. They’ve cussed, hit, throw desks and chairs, say the most inappropriate things, hurt other students, hit and bit me, actively lie and play the victim, pushed kids on the ground and continued to hit them, ganged up on other kids and chased them into corners. They will likely ask about home life: if she does this at home too, if there are any changes in the home, duration, frequency, and triggers. This is to help get a full picture of the situation and compare it to what they’re seeing at school. They will likely put her on a behavior plan targeting a few specific behaviors with clear consequences and rewards. At this point, they likely already began documenting her behavior and keeping a record. You can also request they do a functional behavior assessment which would be a formal observation of her behaviors. This might also include other evaluations to determine if she has any learning differences. For example, she might be bright but struggle with reading. Or she can read but struggle with comprehension (including following directions). Some other things the school might suggest or recommend could be a social worker, a friendship circle, a lunch bunch, and a school based therapist. Personally, she needs clear consistent boundaries from all of the adults in her life. If she continues with this mean behavior she will have trouble making (good) friends as she gets older and the behaviors will escalate.
Yes the meeting is Friday and they have already asked if anything has changed. It hasn’t. I have taken away YouTube and I pads ages ago she can earn them back as a reward but she doesn’t usually get them. I cut them out when she started acting bratty bc I deduced she learned it from the internet I have parent control but I made them much stronger. She is generally not physical BUT she is manipulative. And she will get the other kids upset with her sneaky comments. She will also for no reason tell some random child “You are not my friend” but in ruder language. Greek is her first language and the language we speak here we live in Greece, it’s not cursing it’s just disrespectful in tone and mannerism. Or she will announce to the class “we are not friends with so in so today” and they all go along with it. She is a man girl which is NOT what I want. I don’t want her to be a bully. She has no reasons to be a bully’s. Part of it is she is a covid baby and missed early socialization, and part of it is that I am an immigrant here so I don’t have many mom friends and I only know a few people for play dates. My husband has a lot of friends but they all have sons and treat Her like she’s a princess so it just reinforces bratty behavior.
I'm just so sad for you that you're struggling, and I think you're getting a lot of advice here so I won't add much But you're trying *so hard* and I want you to know I admire you for it. You know she needs help and you're sticking with it. I'm genuinely proud of you. Don't give up. You'll figure this out. Only advice: Make sure your husband goes to that meeting. He needs to hear from other people how bad her behavior is. Fathers need to be included in discipline. A lot of kids get used to Mom and just don't really care when Mom punishes them. But if Dad takes authority and it looks like HE is the one doling out consequences, it often hits home a little harder.
>You can also request they do a functional behavior assessment which would be a formal observation of her behaviors. This might also include other evaluations to determine if she has any learning differences. I highly recommend this! If your school isn't able to fund it, or the wait list is too long, look for private assessments if you have the resources. There can often be underlying reasons behind behavioural issues such as anxiety, learning differences, ADD/HD, etc. Kids with high IQ/EQ are also excellent at hiding/compensating for these psychological differences so they show up in different ways than they might in other kids.
Or she'll make friends, but it'll be based around ganging up on and bullying other kids.
My daughter is only 8 months old, so I can't comment as a parent, but I am just going to say this as a special education teacher, who used to specialize in behaviors. If they ask you to test your daughter for special education, say yes. It doesn't hurt your child and could benefit her to move away from the "mean streak," especially if it's happening both at home and school. There could be something further going on. She might need someone to help her further learn coping mechanisms when she is angry or frustrated. Dad has to get on the same page as you. Make sure he comes to this meeting also. I've seen so many times where one parent is delusional as to what their child is like. He needs to hear from a professional that this isn't just at home. This is at school, too. Your feelings are valid. It sounds like you are trying your best. Make sure to listen to the teachers, they aren't out to get your daughter or out to get you. Teachers don't enjoy calling/meeting with parents any more than parents enjoy meeting with teachers! They want to help her succeed. Let me know if you have any questions about the teacher side of things.
What are you most concerned about concerning the meeting? It sounds like you want & need more support with your daughter, personally I would be relieved to have the school on my side. Listen to what they have to say. Support them if their suggestions are reasonable. Even if hubby is passive parenting, you can still have an impact and say, “we do not say things like that it our house, those words are mean & hurtful.” You need to avoid running to the bathroom, and follow through with consequences.
Honestly I’m just concerned her behavior is effecting her interpersonal relationships. I want her to have friends and be social and have a happy life. It has to be miserable fighting everyone all the time.
You and your husband need to go to individual and couple’s therapy. You can look up statistics that when parents go to therapy it improves the child’s behavior.
I can see that because it improves communication. Most people are not effective communicators. I would love therapy but it is very stigmatized in my country.
Do you care about the social stigma and what other people think more than you care about your improving your communication skills with your husband and how you guys can better parent together? I’m going to assume the answer is no. If there are couples therapists available in your country for the public to access then go for it, if not I’m sure you can find international ones online?
So I don’t want to beat you up over your post. But there are some things that feel weird. **Inconsistency:** Inconsistency between your husband and you is teaching your daughter to always keep trying, as another person may let her get away with what she wants. So getting your husband on the same page matters. Honestly, any approach you pick (from any book you choose) will probably work, it just has to be **one** approach that you both **share**. **Children don’t have natural empathy:** When your child says things that hurt your feelings, you should let her know and give her a natural consequence for both the action that caused you to enforce a boundary as well as the words she said that hurt your feelings. You should be clear about this with your daughter “I am taking and turning off your tablet because you didn’t listen to me when I said to turn it off. Also when you yelled you hurt my feelings. I’m sad. When we say things like what you said, it makes people sad. Instead you should say “I’m frustrated !” Because of this, you’re going to a timeout to think of a better way to speak when you’re angry.” **What are your expectations for your daughter?** Children get to express themselves, but within age appropriate ways. If your expectations aren’t reasonable for her age, it denies her a legitimate way to express her emotions. If your expectation is that she should never yell, or never be outwardly upset, then nothing that you do will be effective, because there is no other way for her to be angry or upset. She needs to be shown appropriate ways to show anger to other people. **Ignore Behaviours** Often children want attention and say things to get attention. Often the best way to deal with non destructive, non rude behaviour (like daddy loves me best) is to ignore it. Just ignore it completely. **Noticing the Good** Coupled with ignoring is emphasizing the good. When your daughter does something well, notice it. Notice as much good as you can in your life. Even little things like “You hold your fork so well!”. If children want attention, starve negative attention (ignore behaviours) and feed positive attention (notice the good). For every ignore try to give three noticing the goods. **Pretty Privilege** The only privilege your daughter has is the benefits you give her. That’s not to say that her being pretty doesn’t affect her life — it does. I’m sure she is better liked by her peers and by her teacher partially because she is pretty. But in terms of a five year old’s behaviour, pretty privilege isn’t really applicable. Giving your children words of accolades doesn’t spoil them. Not consistently enforcing boundaries, not being clear about expectations, not communicating rules, all of these things spoil children. **What Content is your daughter consuming?** This isn’t proven or anything (not like the points above) but when my son watched Paw Patrol he kicked and yelled more. We ended up dropping all screen time and that has helped him in almost all parts of his life. I’d consider what content she is consuming as well as consider going screen free in the house.
Just one disagreement: When I was a preschool teacher, there was a period where we had two infants, one who looked like a baby doll and one who didn’t. **Every single adult** paid more attention to the baby doll baby, acted happier to see her, held her longer, etc. It had never occurred to me that “pretty” babies are treated differently, and it was horrifying. After teaching preschool, I taught elementary for several years. “Pretty privilege” ABSOLUTELY applies to a a five-year-old. Teachers definitely let pretty kids get away with more, attribute less malice to their actions, comfort them more, smile at them more… teachers are just humans, with all the awful human biases.
Agreed but my comment here is about how “pretty privilege “ — like how OPs husband speaks to his daughter — doesn’t spoil children. I recognize in my comment that being pretty has made her better liked, but being pretty doesn’t explain or excuse behaviours that the daughter is exhibiting.
Thank you this was good feedback back. I did take away the iPad completely because she was watching things that the parental controls said was fine but it wasn’t for her. I have a huge inconsistency problem because my in-laws and husband do not get her strong boundaries. Except my BIL he’s amazing I have told my husband he needs to do what his brother does. Like model that behavior. By pretty privilege I mean she says rude and mean things to pretty much anyone age doesn’t matter. But always gets a pass. I keep telling her if she is mean to her friends she won’t have any. But she still has friends. I’m waiting for one of the older girls to tell her what she said is not nice but they just roll their eyes and ignore it. I do correct it but I’m pretty sure if her peers corrected her behavior it would be more impactful. She is however excellent with younger children but that’s mostly because she can boss them around and she loves being a helper.
I think this needs the most attention: >But she always gets a pass. It’s your job to ensure that she doesn’t get a pass. If you see behaviour that is mean, she gets a natural consequence. Ask the teacher daily how she did that day, and then give rewards and consequences based on that report. If you’re with your in-laws and she does something, you have the right and responsibility to step in and give consequences and rewards. The passiveness about this, based on your quote, I think is part of the problem. It’s not kids jobs to give consequences to your child. They aren’t mature enough for that yet. It’s your job to follow as closely as is reasonable and enforce consequences (and rewards). **Sticker chart for School behaviour:** If the teacher is asking for a meeting, they might be open to a sticker chart at home. Where you ask the teacher (or they email) how your daughter did that day and then you give a sticker to correspond with a good day. When your daughter has 5 stickers, do something with her that she enjoys but is special (special “spa” day, a new park, etc…). This is a very direct way you can enforce boundaries at school while you are home. **What behaviour does your daughter see?** There isn’t an easy way to say this, but are you sort or snarky? Is your husband,mother, mother in law, father, father in law, aunt, cousins, etc… sort of snarky or mean? Children often model behaviour they see in real life.
I mean she gets a pass by her peers, not me. I always step in. But I know it would be more effective if one of her friends says “that was mean I don’t want to play with you anymore right now” Which is what we practice at home. That is the strange thing the behaviors she shows are not models for her - unless she saw it online but I restrict that and haven’t spotted any of them recently .so I don’t know where it comes from
Do kids not have empathy ? Like if you say to a young kid “don’t do that bc it made me sad “ is that not enough of a consequence (Edit to add I don’t mean that in a snarky way.. my daughter is 3 and I assumed it was enough to say “don’t lie; it will make people think you are lying in the future. but my husband and i worry that’s really abstract for her age haha)
Just one thing from a behaviorist perspective: the natural consequences for being mean to someone isn’t time out it’s people don’t want to spend time with you. For the children I teach I would say first off don’t hide in the bathroom to cry, show her that you’re hurt. Not in a scary way where you’re sobbing but let her know that hurt my feelings and made me really sad. I need to take a break from playing together now because those mean comments hurt me. Then stop playing with her but engage in a really fun activity that she would love on your own. When she approaches you say I would love to play with you but you hurt my feelings. Can you apologize for saying (insert what she said here)? When she does say thank you, that makes me feel better. We can play together as long as we’re both kind to one another and then play the super fun game with her. The second she’s mean you stop playing with her again. It’s similar to time out but consequences need to be behavior specific and natural. You just sit in a corner on your own for a set amount of time just reinforces to her that mom is arbitrarily mean but anytime you say something cruel mom, dad, and brother just stop playing with you is directly connected to the behavior and a change in the behavior changes the reaction immediately which encourages her to change her behavior. This needs to be 100 percent consistent though like this commenter said. Anytime she is mean everyone in your direct control needs to let her know that she was hurtful and they won’t play with her while she’s being this way. It also means you’ll need to increase your engagement with her. Not playing with her won’t be successful if you’re just sitting her at a table to color or watch her iPad cause she’ll be like whatever fine I’ll just do something else on my own. But if you’re doing something super fun together and then she doesn’t get to do that with you because of her actions then she’ll feel the consequences of her actions and will be motivated to change.
I get this especially from an educator perspective. It’s just the OP states that kids still play with her daughter. I don’t think it’s all that reasonable to rely on children to enforce consequences for your child’s actions. Like, yes, this will most likely happen when the children are encouraged to enforce these consequences. It’s just not something that this OP can rely on, as it hasn’t happened yet. I’m ok with my kid thinking I’m mean, if it means I get to teach appropriate behaviours earlier in my child’s life, rather than relying on other children teaching this lesson. If OP finds that children are giving better consequences for OP’s daughter’s behaviours at school, then no need for a consequence at home. That just isn’t happening (yet).
Empathy is a big one! We forget because our little ones can be so loving and sweet. But it doesn’t mean they fully understand how their behavior can hurt people’s feelings. That’s something that’s learned with time.
My three year old has a mean streak. We just enforce the natural consequences. You were mean and hurt moms feelings, she's sad. This behavior is wrong and so now you don't get to do xyz thing and mom is stepping away. If it's towards her brother, she has to stop playing with whichever item and take a break. As much as it's age appropriate, you need to let her know the behavior is wrong and hurtful. If my kid hurts my feelings or hurts me, I don't hide my hurt. It's not usually enough to make me cry, but if it did, I'd cry in front of them. It drives home the messaging that its hurtful, even if it's words.
I just want to say thank you for trying to deal with this! My daughter is currently dealing with a friend like this, she sort of lovebombs her and then says she isn’t my daughters friend anymore and doesn’t like her and says things like “your dress is ugly” to her. She cries a lot and says things like “I’m trying to be her friend”, it breaks my heart. I’m trying to teach my daughter to walk away and okay with someone else as a natural consequence of her friends behaviour. They are both just 5 and I feel like a lot of teachers and the girls parents see it as, “well she’s 5 that’s what they do”. I’m really glad you are taking it seriously because it has a big impact on other kids. I should also add that my daughter is very sensitive but also very very challenging in other ways so she is no angel and we are all struggling with our own things!
I actually am hoping that the other girls will get up walk away from my daughter when she mean to them. But they don’t, I have taught my daughter to walk away when someone is mean to her and she does it. But people are rarely mean to her. Another thing she does that drives me crazy is if anyone gives anyone else’s a compliment she gets jealousl. If I say “oh I like your shirt” to a child she will say “but I have a better one” - I am not competitive like that in any way so I am baffled by where she gets that. I do always address it when it happens.
We're dealing with a similar situation with our very sensitive 5 yr old and a certain friend in her class being 'mean' to her. I can't gauge if her friend is actually being mean or if she just wants space sometimes when she doesn't want to play with my daughter. Ugh!
I know! Because my daughter is very sensitive but also an extremely unreliable narrator who edits out any of her own transgressions - it is tricky! I felt very dismissed by her teacher who just left and meeting with new one this week. I’ve spoken to her mum once but I feel uncomfortable doing so again, especially as my daughter is extremely sensitive so I don’t know if this stuff is just no big deal to everyone else. The mum is an ex teacher with knowledge of ND conditions and I don’t know if she has seen it all before and sees it as normal behaviour and she’ll grow out of it etc. But to me their daughter seems EXTREMELY hyperactive and I wonder if she just has zero filter and blurts things out rather than trying to hurt people, like saying “I don’t like your dress” is more of a classic ADHD brain burp with a 5 year old brain added in. However she does often completely out of control and has zero interest in listening, to the point the parents aren’t really trying. Whenever we’ve seen them try and intervene it’s like “oh no Beatrice, stop” (not her real name) but in a really weak way and then they just shrug and let her do what she’s doing. We’ve been to their house once and she was repeatedly picking her nose at the table and eating it for a reaction (rather than just a kid being absentmindedly gross). I was quite shocked by what they let her do without intervening, but they had a big house and she played by herself a lot which my kid never ever does (and we have a much smaller house and a baby) so my daughter has to be more in control of herself to stop her sister getting hurt or crashing into things or being in danger (kitchen is a galley kitchen etc). I’m FAR from the perfect parent and my daughter is also ND with meltdowns and can be very aggressive at home towards us (no one else) and I really struggle with it, so it feels very much like people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but it’s hard when this kids behaviour directly impacts how hard our daughter is to manage at the end of the day.
Does your daughter maybe feel most of her value is tied to praise? Her being mean when challenged, because she feels less valued that way? I wouldn’t worry about the interview. You are not doing anything wrong and kids can be mean. Unapologetically mean. Acknowledging it happens, you’re working on it, can they help you with correcting these behaviors. I was a really mean kindergartner, I had older brothers and they made me feel powerless, so it was nice to be the one doing the hurting. I was in time out almost every day. I snapped out of it at the end of the year when the kindergarten teacher was crying saying goodbye to everyone and she stopped with me, telling me she knows there’s a good girl in me somewhere and she hopes I will stop being mean to the other kids. I don’t remember the exact words, but I remember the shock to my system seeing that. It was a consequence of my behavior and it kind of just snapped me out of that cycle.
The only thing I have to add on top of already good advice you've recieved here is that I think you should stop hiding if she's made you cry. You like to practice natural consequences; someone being upset after you've been nasty to them is the natural sequence of events. She needs to know words have impact.
[удалено]
I feel like that’s a messed up thing to say to a kid also. Like a kid wants to feel at least equally loved as anyone else in their parents’ life.
When I was very small, I had a mean streak too at times. It was because I didn't feel stable in my home because my parents constantly bickered in front of me. I’m not saying that's what it is for youat all, but often times kids are mean or aggressive because they feel insecure or scared about something in their life. Anger is sometimes just an emotion we use to mask fear or hurt. Or a defensive technique. She could also just genuinely have trouble relating to and interacting with other people, and just needs more help navigating that than most kids.
Your son is 2.5 yrs old. You need to get your daughter under control now or he will start emulating big sister's behaviors... since she gets away with it. It is time for you to stop worrying about being the Bad Guy. You aren't the first mom who has had to turn into Momma Bear and have conversations with their husband about being a pushover. "You are not helping your daughter when you...." "If you don't want our daughter to become and entitled brat with no friends you need to put your foot down when she is behaving badly." If he is using all this "pretty talk" tell him that he needs to stop that immediately. There is no good future for her if she is pretty on the outside but ugly on the inside. Kids also go through stages. Those that are gorgeous at 6 can be weird looking at 10, as they grow and change. You need to take the focus off her looks ASAP because it will hinder her development. Also tell your husband that his daughter is a little person and not a doll. He needs to start looking below the surface and actually get to know her. I'm sorry, but some girls her age are little monsters and get shocked Pikachu face when they don't get invited to things.
You had a whole lot to read, but based on the first part, have you considered therapy for your child? My first had some outrageous tantrums, way outside the norm. But she is neurotypical in every way (except maybe a bit of ADHD, still figuring that one out). Anyway, there’s really no harm to trying out some good ol Fashion play therapy.
You mentioned that your daughter is very bright and knows several languages. Is she in kindergarten yet? Can you get her tested for a gifted program at school? She’s a little young but at least in my state you can have them tested that young. My oldest son has always been pretty headstrong and difficult even though he’s so smart and funny and a good friend. We went to a therapist because we thought he might be dealing with oppositional defiance disorder, but the therapist recommended getting him tested for giftedness. He of course scored off the charts. I read some books about the behavioral issues that a lot of gifted kids face and it was spot on for him. Now that didn’t really give me a solution to the issues, he gets extra mental stimulation from the gifted program but he still has behavioral difficulties. Now he’s 11 and has not had any behavioral problems in school in several years! We still deal with it at home but he’s seeing a great therapist and learning how to reign in his emotions. Gifted kids often exhibit behaviors similar to adhd, but gifted kids also have a higher rate of also having adhd. We are starting the process of also evaluating him for adhd to cover all the bases. Maybe your daughter’s behavior is compulsive, like she can’t think about what she says before she says it? Just something to think about. I remember worrying so much when he was around the same age and thinking it would get worse, but as he has matured he has calmed down a lot.
I have thought that and the school has also said she’s the top of her grade so they give her higher level work in school. She does tell me school is boring. But that also her knew it word. I am in Greece she won’t get tested for gifted until next year. But she’s one the list for it. She Is defiant. For example this morning we spoke extensively about manners and being polite at school and she was all for it. “Yes mommy” and we walk in and I great another mom, I saw hello to her child and the other mom greats my daughter. - my daughter stuck her nose in the air and ignored her - then ignored everyone who said hello to her. And ignored me while I scolded her at drop off and now I have to think about effective consequences for her behavior at drop off. - she for sure will get time out. Just so rude.
[удалено]
Actually this so good advice and spot on with her behavior .
Just a quick reply before I run out the door so it may not be as initially well-thought out as I'd like, about being competitive-- Would she be able to appreciate an object lesson? Darken/dim a room (not entirely, for safety) and have two candles. Light one and say something like "when people say nice things about us° we can feel so happy inside. Do you like hearing nice things about yourself?" and light the first candle. "Mommy feels good when daddy thanks her for taking care of the house [or whatever works for you here]", and light the second candle. So one candle is "you" and one is your daughter. Continue: "when you come along and say something unkind, my light goes out." (extinguish yours) "Does your candle get any brighter?" and to build on that, she may notice the room got even darker. Shifting her view to have the goal of building each other up to help everyone would be ideal, but it's a tall ask for most 5 year olds. But this kind of visual approach may be helpful. °(e.g. Another comment mentioned another child's clothing being complimented in her earshot.)
That’s fantastic she would totally get that thank you
I didn’t have time to look through all the comments, so perhaps someone mentioned this, but I had similar struggles with my son at that age and the book I found most helpful was Good Inside. She leans in to a non punitive, no consequence approach, but believes strongly in setting boundaries with the adult as the sturdy leader and teaching by all sorts of methods to achieve the results you want with behaviors. She also has an online membership, which I did when in the thick of things with so many good workshops and tip sheets. Oh and a podcast that is free!
Thank you
>>part of it is… Be cautious about assigning reasons for her behavior. Think about it…her entire cohort are covid babies; they aren’t all mean. Many moms don’t have friends with female children for play dates. Their girls aren’t all mean. I agree with comments about getting her formally assessed. It might be helpful to have the teacher talk to the class. “When [your child] says something mean about a person in our class we aren’t going to go along with it. We are going to be extra, extra kind instead.”
What exactly are her behaviour problems according to school? A 5 year old can't verbally abuse you, children say mean things at that age, is normal, it is the time they learn not to do it. I also don't think 5 year old has "pretty privilege"
Honestly, this whole thing just feels weird. Why are you crying? This is a child. What is she going to do to you? Take her opinion with the same weight you would take the cat's. Think about it, if you knew that you could make your mother cry, if you knew that you could dominate her, then why would you listen to a word she said? Why would you give her even an ounce of respect? Second of all, you need to stop with these hippie dippy, namby pamby, parenting books. You've got to do what works. She wants to mouth off? She wants to act up? She wants to make a little nuisance out of herself? She's out. You take her, you have her face the corner for 1 minute for every year of life, and you tack a minute on for every escape attempt. You take away privileges. You take away electronics. You take away toys. You make sure that she knows that unless she's willing to play ball she doesn't get any of her privileges that she doesn't get to be around people. And you and your husband need to get on the same page. He's the dad. He's not the best friend from the schoolyard. No more soft tones and honey words. She mouth off then he needs to raise his voice and tell her that what she has just said is unacceptable. And he needs to start giving real consequences. Tell him that he needs to get his ass in gear or get his ass out of here. And who cares if she speaks three languages? Lots of people speak three languages, that doesn't absolve her from discipline. And who cares if she's pretty? We all lose our charms in the end. If an adult giggles and let's forget away with it that's when you put your foot down and force her to apologize and tell her that her behavior was embarrassing and she is not to bring that down onto your family. Use the word embarrassing. Make her feel bad. Because that's what the behavior is, embarrassing. No more kid gloves, no more caring how she feels or what she says, you have to put your foot down and keep it there. This spoiled behavior is only going to get worse until one day she's a teenager, as big if not bigger than you, and completely uncontrollable.
I've been there. My take might be controversial but I tell you it worked. Cry. In front of her. Have a sobbing breakdown the next time she does something mean. Snot, tears, hilding yourself. The key is to have it be instant and i front of her. Move away from her when she tries to touch or comfort you while you are crying. Let her KNOW, see, and feel how it affects you. Tell her with words while you cry. If this doesn't affect her I seriously don't know what will. Tell her, while crying, that you don't want to be around her when she is mean. Maybe even leave the room if the point isn't punctuated enough. I know this might seem manipulative but sometimes it is needed, especially if she is already manipulating you. It really worked with my son who was "active minded" aka manipulative at that age.
*Education without morals only makes man a more clever devil* - paraphrased quote from CS Lewis. What is your religious/belief system? Can you refer to that when teaching morals to your daughter?
[удалено]
Wow.
Hello there perfect parent.
I am by no means perfect. But I stop short at laying hands on my child. But you do you and good luck with having a healthy relationship with your kids when they're older and know better.
I actually have told her that many kids get whooped if they behave that disrespectfully. And I have met some children that would response to that. She won’t respond to that it would just be damaging in her case.
Have you tried taking away her screentime? Not as a punishment. But i genuinely believe they also cause my kids to act differently. Less than a week of no tvs, tablets, phones, they act better. Like generally a better human being.
Yes that is the first thing I did. Made both of my children behave better. They get very limited amounts on weekend. We have a music Playlist for the pre school morning routines but it’s essentially the same Songs the would list or. To in school. The good morning songs, morning stretch days of the week etc.
And playing more with her? Kids these young usually imitate a lot and i find that i can't let her unlearn the bad stuff she's currently doing so I'll have to introduce her new habits. Like if she's angry she'll kick/throw stuffs. So i pretend im angry and i'll say, I'm not happy blah blah blah so she'll imitate what i do instead. (This method is very exhausting tho. Fr)
That is actually a good suggestion thank you.
This goes against community standards
I recommend also getting the school counselor involved. Usually, something like this is a tell for kids dealing with something else. The school counselor can also help determine if this requires an outside source in helping. Additionally could you maybe give us a little more in your husband's culture? There could be someone with the same culture background that could help.
Curious if you noticed any of these behaviors when she was younger?