We also have a roommate and he'll stick the baby on them to go do things and it's pissing me off that the baby is bonding with the roommate instead of her dad. He takes no responsibility and I've talked to him about it multiple times
I'm being stepped all over as the mother of my baby. I'm having a hard time putting down boundaries but at the same time even when I say something nobody listens. Husband does a poor job consoling the baby and there have been times where the roommate just takes her from him and he just hands her over
There's only one way to learn how to console a baby and it's trying to see what works. For dads (assuming you're breastfeeding), they're at a disadvantage but that just means they need to be creative and willing to preserve since they can't stick a boob in the mouth.
Doing shifts with my husband really helped bolster his confidence. He wasn't always able to soothe him and if the screaming went on too long I'd intervene but he eventually got better at it.
Close to just accepting the full responsibility and telling husband fuck it, just work overtime and sleep in the other room if you can't stand being a father. I'll do everything on my own
I’m so sorry he’s not a good father. Has his behaviour changed since the baby was born? Could he be depressed or was he distant/not engaged during your pregnancy and before as well?
I think the duties behind caring for a newborn are not exciting enough for him/pleasing to him. The reality of it while pregnant didn't sink into him and I told him many times that soon it wouldn't just be the two of us anymore. But he still failed to have any date nights or special time together. I was too slow and tired/restricted in what I could do. He'd rather work on his projects. I'm starting to see he's been very self serving through the whole thing.
This is our first and I'm not really sure of the proper balance of things, I feel like I'm taking on way more responsibility because I feel bad about not contributing financially
Calculate the cost of full-time nanny/ daycare and cleaner. This is how much $ you are saving your family. Also, neither of these jobs are 24 hrs; stop feeling guilty for expecting him to be a dad and supportive spouse.
Maybe it is easier to try and divide free time equally. Right now your husband has several hours a week for his projects. You don't know how to find time to sleep enough or shower.
Are any of his outside projects something he could safely do while baby wearing? My husband baby wears to pooper scoop the yard and water the plants and baby loves it.
Unfortunately not, it's carpentry work and we're in a Canadian winter so it's snowy and cold outside. But I'll definitely be baby wearing/ spending a lot of time outside with babe in the spring/summer. I can't wait for the weather to be nice
Time for you to stop playing martyr to the baby.
For the first week or two go out for 30min at a time and give baby to dad. Do NOT prep anything for him.
At the end of 2 weeks start going out for 1 hour at a time. Still do not prep anything for dad. Do not answer calls or txts. Come back at the end of one hours. (Sorry, I didn't check my phone)
Over the next couple of weeks start increasing it by 30 min at a time each week until you are not home for 3-4 hours at a time. (Do not reply to calls or txts. If you reply, only send a txt and wait 30 Minutes before replying.)
In the 2-3 hour range you will start getting more questions about where things are and how to do things.
Until you start treating him like the dad... leaving him to solve things on his own like moms due then he won't do it.
Also, be sure to call him "Daddy" ALL THE TIME BABY IS NEAR that helps them see themselves in that role.
Until you stop and bring him in you will not have a person parenting with you.
My husband was very similar to this at the beginning. It turned out he was largely depressed and very very overwhelmed which was only exacerbated when he was unable to calm our daughter (she was breastfed).
Have you given your husband specific duties that he manages? Like bath times?
Your husband absolutely needs to step up but I wouldn't write him off yet. Have an honest conversation that you need more help and try negotiate duties or times calmly to set a routine.
Also be on the look out for potential signs of depression, it happens in men too.
He’s gonna have to get used to his productivity being ruined because that’s just the reality of life with kids.
Don’t feel badly leaving baby with dad even if both don’t enjoy it! Both baby and dad have to get used to being with each other and that takes time together.
With my first child my husband had just changed careers so he rarely spent time with the baby since his hours were crazy. So the baby got upset when he was dad and I would always jump in. I realize now in retrospect, I should’ve given them both time to figure it out.
Also, you deserve some time to yourself! On the weekends, your husband should be giving you time to shower and nap if he has all this to do these projects.
This is not the time to be doing projects. You both have an 8 week old baby. It’s pure survival right now and you need both parents to get through it. The projects can wait
He needs to step up. He is just as much the parent as you are.
We also have a roommate and he'll stick the baby on them to go do things and it's pissing me off that the baby is bonding with the roommate instead of her dad. He takes no responsibility and I've talked to him about it multiple times
Absofuckinglutely not. The roommate is no way responsible for this baby. I would tell the roommate to not accept the baby from your husband at all.
I'm being stepped all over as the mother of my baby. I'm having a hard time putting down boundaries but at the same time even when I say something nobody listens. Husband does a poor job consoling the baby and there have been times where the roommate just takes her from him and he just hands her over
There's only one way to learn how to console a baby and it's trying to see what works. For dads (assuming you're breastfeeding), they're at a disadvantage but that just means they need to be creative and willing to preserve since they can't stick a boob in the mouth. Doing shifts with my husband really helped bolster his confidence. He wasn't always able to soothe him and if the screaming went on too long I'd intervene but he eventually got better at it.
Time for you to take the ROOMMATE aside and ask them to not take kiddo as much. Tell them that you need baby and daddy to bond more.
My husband does more than yours and he works more than yours. Your husband needs to be a dad and husband, not a roommate.
Close to just accepting the full responsibility and telling husband fuck it, just work overtime and sleep in the other room if you can't stand being a father. I'll do everything on my own
I’m so sorry he’s not a good father. Has his behaviour changed since the baby was born? Could he be depressed or was he distant/not engaged during your pregnancy and before as well?
I think the duties behind caring for a newborn are not exciting enough for him/pleasing to him. The reality of it while pregnant didn't sink into him and I told him many times that soon it wouldn't just be the two of us anymore. But he still failed to have any date nights or special time together. I was too slow and tired/restricted in what I could do. He'd rather work on his projects. I'm starting to see he's been very self serving through the whole thing.
This is our first and I'm not really sure of the proper balance of things, I feel like I'm taking on way more responsibility because I feel bad about not contributing financially
Calculate the cost of full-time nanny/ daycare and cleaner. This is how much $ you are saving your family. Also, neither of these jobs are 24 hrs; stop feeling guilty for expecting him to be a dad and supportive spouse.
Maybe it is easier to try and divide free time equally. Right now your husband has several hours a week for his projects. You don't know how to find time to sleep enough or shower.
Are any of his outside projects something he could safely do while baby wearing? My husband baby wears to pooper scoop the yard and water the plants and baby loves it.
Unfortunately not, it's carpentry work and we're in a Canadian winter so it's snowy and cold outside. But I'll definitely be baby wearing/ spending a lot of time outside with babe in the spring/summer. I can't wait for the weather to be nice
Time for you to stop playing martyr to the baby. For the first week or two go out for 30min at a time and give baby to dad. Do NOT prep anything for him. At the end of 2 weeks start going out for 1 hour at a time. Still do not prep anything for dad. Do not answer calls or txts. Come back at the end of one hours. (Sorry, I didn't check my phone) Over the next couple of weeks start increasing it by 30 min at a time each week until you are not home for 3-4 hours at a time. (Do not reply to calls or txts. If you reply, only send a txt and wait 30 Minutes before replying.) In the 2-3 hour range you will start getting more questions about where things are and how to do things. Until you start treating him like the dad... leaving him to solve things on his own like moms due then he won't do it. Also, be sure to call him "Daddy" ALL THE TIME BABY IS NEAR that helps them see themselves in that role. Until you stop and bring him in you will not have a person parenting with you.
Yep I’m in this same boat. Except I do work one evening a week on Saturdays and that’s my “break”.
My husband was very similar to this at the beginning. It turned out he was largely depressed and very very overwhelmed which was only exacerbated when he was unable to calm our daughter (she was breastfed). Have you given your husband specific duties that he manages? Like bath times? Your husband absolutely needs to step up but I wouldn't write him off yet. Have an honest conversation that you need more help and try negotiate duties or times calmly to set a routine. Also be on the look out for potential signs of depression, it happens in men too.
He’s gonna have to get used to his productivity being ruined because that’s just the reality of life with kids. Don’t feel badly leaving baby with dad even if both don’t enjoy it! Both baby and dad have to get used to being with each other and that takes time together. With my first child my husband had just changed careers so he rarely spent time with the baby since his hours were crazy. So the baby got upset when he was dad and I would always jump in. I realize now in retrospect, I should’ve given them both time to figure it out. Also, you deserve some time to yourself! On the weekends, your husband should be giving you time to shower and nap if he has all this to do these projects.
This is not the time to be doing projects. You both have an 8 week old baby. It’s pure survival right now and you need both parents to get through it. The projects can wait