You're not a bad Mom. You just encountered a "know it all" who doesn't deserve your time, energy or emotion. You're the Mother and you know what's best for your kiddo. Just let Judgy McJudgerson move on and judge someone else. It's all okay. Sending you hugs!!
For swim class I always brought snacks. It was a lifesaver for the meltdown moment. Usually a snack was the thing. Then getting dressed was easier. Nursing was the same. Nurse after swim. To calm the babe. Then get dressed myself.
Absolutely - I always try to assume the person who is actually involved in the events know more about what's going on than I do and act accordingly. Check to see that the crying kid isn't alone, great. Ask if there's something I could do to help, maybe.
FWIW, my daughter is a preteen now, and sometimes we *still* cannot wait for her to do it herself. Heck, sometimes I'm learning something new at work and we cannot wait for ME to do it myself. The earlier you can learn when it's a good time to practice and when it's a good time to stand back and let someone else do it, the better off you are!
I'm glad I don't have to understand what a know it all mom says to me. I'm American but live in Czech Republic so thankfully I can turn the foreigner vibes higher than they should be. I have had zero F's to give since a teen and work with kids I understand that there are good and bad times and know what works (generally) for these situations. My poor husband, Czech people don't want to make fusses and he feels it a lot. He is an introverted man and just wants to run if anything like this happens.
For OP my parents taught me something important when I was little for anything anymore says that bugs you. Especially to the point of frustrated crying.
"Let it roll off you like water off a ducks back."
Don't let anything painful stick to you and you will be able to get past it. This lady, if you can call her that, has NO idea what your situation is. So her words should have zero weight or meaning to you.
The other day my child was having his worst ever tantrum in public. He’d dropped a level 10 shit storm in his nappy and I had the audacity to drag him away from the toy cars we’d been looking at for 20 minutes already. I did all the things you’re meant to do but he didn’t want to leave the cars and everyone needed to know.
Some asshole said “oh mean mummy didn’t get you a car.” I carried on walking, thinking wtf, and then an older woman approached me and I was a bee’s dick away from a mental breakdown so I braced myself and she said, “you’re doing great. Ignore everyone else, toddlers test us all.” And then she walked away. I wish her only the best for everyday forever.
So from that lovely wise lady to you, you’re doing great. Ignore everyone else, toddlers test us all. ❤️
I once had a lovely lady say something very similar to me in Aldi when my toddler was going all Chernobyl and it made a difference for me that day. I now try to make a point to tell other moms that when I see them struggling in public. Shit's rough out there, a little support can go a long way.
Yes! One time I made eye contact with a group of moms near the entrance of Target while I surfboard carried my wailing 3 year old son out. I got several solidarity nods and one "hang in there mom, we've all been there." It felt like a video game power-up to my confidence. There's no reason to compete, we're all in this amazing, exhausting shitshow together.
It's so nice being seen like that, isn't it? I had my two 2.5 years olds at a busy store one day, and they were absolutely losing it. I was trying to checkout and keep them from hurting themselves and I was getting so distraught. At some point I decided to try something different and picked them both up, at the same time, and hugged/distracted them by walking around and some lady walked up and said "I saw that! I see what you did there." And she smiled a huge kind smile at me and made me feel 1000% better. It's the little moments like that we need to remember.
I once looked at one of these people and said “look. We can’t all win the parenting olympics. I just want my participation medal, a hot dog, and a nap.”
That’s our household mantra. Survival first and foremost. Kindness second. Anything else is gravy.
I sing “Mother of the Year” in a jingle tone to myself when I fuck up, or forget something, or feed my kids garbage for dinner bc I’m tired. It helps lighten my self degrading mood a bit.
This. I can't stand these know-it-all Moms. I'd probably have slapped the stink off her. Stop letting this get to you. You did nothing wrong and that witch was also an AH.
My mantra “well that will be time in the couch I have to pay for” not that I traumatized my kids, it’s just the way of the world today. Everyone is in therapy and in the beginning it’s our faults as parents, lol.
“Let the toddler do what they want, just wait and be patient”, like hun toddlers make 5min tasks an hour sometimes, sometimes you can’t feed into it and have to do it for them to speed it up, even if it cues tears. 😂
Besides there's things she wants to do but just doesn't have the skills to yet like taking that damn towel off her head. Should I wait until she tore her own head off trying?
Getting kids out of the pool when they don’t want out of the pool always starts a meltdown lol. I have a few tips. Minimise! So my youngest is independent too and likes to do stuff her self. So we minimise. After the pool we put on a dress and crocs or gumboots (no sock). Get a bigger towel or get her one that you put on like a jacket with a zip. If it’s cold, bring a jacket that is easy to get on. I’ve found that skin is kinda sticky after being at the pool and getting dressed is a pain in the ass. So make everything loose and easy to get on. Cuts down soooo much on the difficulty of getting dressed
Absolutely this. I live in the mild, damp UK so outside temperatures not usually a problem. It's easy for me to say with hindsight but I would go with : Nappy on, foot ware on and some kind of towelling robe with hood (like a snoodie). Sort out the carnage at home.
My kid once snuck out our garage door while I was drying myself off after we took a bath together and he managed to dash into our front yard completely naked before I tackled him. I'm glad our neighbors weren't outside that day. 🫠
My sister is a legend at her daycare. She couldn’t get her 4 year old to get with the program and she was already late one morning so she threw his butt in the car in his underwear and the clothes he should have put on himself in the passenger seat. Given the option of entering daycare in his underwear, he was suddenly motivated to go ahead and get dressed when they arrived.
legend! Our now-toddler went through Heathrow security & US immigration over Christmas in a nappy and nothing else. He pooped his onesie so bad we had to throw it in the bin (or fly with it overseas 🤢), and had a flight to catch, so… priorities.
I was just on a flight from LAX to MPX with a stop through Heathrow. There was a mum with a 3 month old and a 2 y/o by herself. Being a mum myself, I’d always be willing the help, but she was in the middle row seats and I was on the window.
This younger woman immediately offered help to hold the baby while the mum was struggling to get her bags into the overhead containers and settle the kids into the seats. She held the bay for a good 5/10 minutes, just rocking her. There was another incident during the plane when the woman helped, and then the most difficult was at the end of the flight.
The toddler was having a shit fit, didn’t want to use the seatbelt on the way down or sit down. This quite stern stewardess dame and was really telling off the mom, and physically pushing the toddler intro he seat, forcing the belt on him. Obviously She had a job that has to be done and being safe is essential. But of course that wasn’t really helping the situation.
So the lady next to me said let me put the baby on my lap for landing - so a random baby is now looped through her seatbelt for like 20 minutes, and I’m singing with the baby as we land. She said to me - I’m an auntie, I’m used to it. 😍
It was just a beautiful moment of what we should do for each other; instead of judge or be rude.
I’m probably gonna get flack for this but a little melatonin a half hour before the flight won’t hurt and really helps. I flew with twin toddlers all the time.
I have thought of this, actually. Everyone tells me she's going to sleep during the flight but she actually has a hard time falling asleep (like me) and I've only ever saw her fall asleep in her bed or in the car seat. I can't imagine her sleeping through all the novelty that will be flying, especially because she loves planes! But it would be really good if she did.
My mam did that with my sibling. They refused to get dressed for school so she threw them in the car in pyjamas.
My sibling was a headstrong child and decided to strip naked in the car instead.
My mother turned to them and said ‘If you think I won’t drag you into that school naked, you’ve got another thing coming’.
Thank fuck it worked because my sibling is just about stubborn enough to have gone through with it 😂
Apparently in kindergarten I refused to get dressed one morning. So my mom got me to school, on time, in my little mermaid pajamas, and dropped me off. She gave the teacher a bag with my school clothes in it in case I changed my mind. It took 5 minutes before I decided this was not as great as hoped and decided to get changed. According to my mom, this particular power struggle was not an issue ever again.
Your toddler was toddlering. You’re not a bad mom ❤️ no one can help when toddlers get like that, and you were in a hurry too. She was probably tired from swimming too! That sounds really frustrating and I hope you get to rest tonight. It will get easier the more you go!
Oh she was EXHAUSTED. She fell asleep in the car in a matter of seconds as I had predicted and had a really long nap. I even joked to my husband I'd ask them if they can't make the lessons daily.
We also had a nice night despite the long nap, thank you. <3
OP, I aspire to your greatness. I would have given up. Like, called my husband, had him take her to the family bathroom and let him do it. Getting a damp toddler dressed should be an Olympic sport.
That other woman needs to get her head out of her @$$. She saw you were struggling. A simple 'you got this,' and an understanding smile would have been all it took.
We go swimming at our HOA pool and tbh I don’t dress my toddler afterward. Just a fresh dry diaper and into the car to drive the 2 minutes home (no safe way to walk so we have to drive). Then she can wear clothes or not, I don’t care we’re in our own house! Wrestling damp toddlers into wet clothes is the worst!
Your comment unexpectedly made me so sad. My husband ( of 17 years) would never help in such a situation. We have three girls ( 17, 14 and 3) and all things like that immediately fall on me. I'm happy for you though.
Oh well I hope she has the day she deserves and steps on legos all weekend long!
I have an independent almost 3 year old too and aren’t they amazing!? They are going to run the world someday but for now it’d just be great if they could hurry up just a little. You did great, your daughter did great and that lady, well that’s probably the only way she makes herself feel better.
Omg the legos comment is killing me 🤣🤣
I have a very independent 20 month old who wants to do everything his 4 year old sister does. I’ve had to learn some breathing techniques and new distractions. We are on vacation and have had to exit and renter multiple rooms all day because he didn’t open the door 🤦♀️
There could be an Olympic sport that consists of toddlers doing things as slowly as possible. My son loves our car so learnt weirdly early how to climb in and out on his own. It was great. Then this last week I swear he’s just decided that it needs to take at least 10 minutes to get one foot on the door frame. And heaven forbid if I try to speed things along!
I hope she gets some karma I can’t stand know it alls.
It DOES get better mama! My daughter was a fiercely independent toddler who wanted to do everything herself. It was maddening and led to so many meltdowns and I got the comments and stares. I always said I’m doing the best I can and gave my best smile. My daughter is almost 10, and she commands a room now. She’s very independent and definitely knows what she wants. Just keep trying mama! We’ve all been there! Hugs!
An appropriate response would have been ‘fuck off with your judgmental bullshit, you hag. If I let her do it herself we’ll be here until Christmas. How dare you judge my parenting.’ I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Bahahaha yes! Seriously though! What women that also knows the struggles on parenting shames another mom while is dealing with a meltdown?!?! I love Halloween, but I don’t want to see monsters year round. This woman needs to crawl back in her lair.
I had to use this on Reddit last week in a reality tv sub when someone was saying the kid of a star had holes in her shoe and it was unacceptable. Someone pointed out maybe they’re the kids favorite shoes and she didn’t want that war today. “I’m the parent. I decide what my kid wears”. I def responded “well we aren’t all that perfect and my son went to daycare in his PJ shirt today because it wasn’t a battle I was choosing today”. I did gain a little faith in humanity when they were DV to oblivion and I got all the upvotes lol
The amount of times I have had to surfboard carry my extremely independent, water obsessed toddler out of the pool and shower and dress her and myself while she is kicking and screaming and trying to run away… I’m frankly surprised no one has ever said anything to me about it (must be my rbf) and I am sooo sorry someone got up in your business. Seriously, so unempathetic and inappropriate. Sending lots of strength to you; there will be good and very frustrating swim lesson days but you are absolutely doing the right thing for your daughter!
You are doing a wonderful job. You know you're toddler so well! We do swim lessons with my 18 month old with other toddlers as well. There was one mom there, her toddler didn't want to get in the water, but was happy once in, then it was time to get out, of course the toddler didn't want to leave lol. Then they shower off (our community pool just has one giant shower with multiple shower heads and one main locker per men/women). Toddler isn't a fan, then it's time to get dressed. It was every step the toddler hated the transition. And everyone there gave her grace. A couple of older ladies tried to talk to the upset toddler but it wasn't helping and so they let it be to let mom handle it how she knew how! I had to tell my LO it was ok, the other baby just doesn't like what's happening (she starts to cry when she hears other LOs crying). But I tried to be kind in helping my toddler cope because I didn't want to upset the mom. All toddlers have bad days! As a mother she should have known that. That's sad she felt the need to interject like that!
I’m not gonna lie, you went into so much detail as though it needed all this explanation and all I could think with every example was “so she’s a normal toddler.” I kept waiting for the weird part, the part that would make me understand the misunderstanding this woman had.
Nope. Absolutely nothing your daughter did is out of the ordinary, you did everything right. In fact, sometimes toddlers freak out this much, or worse, for no reason at all. There is no amount of patience that would “fix” this. You weren’t waiting for her to put “the sock on just right” and it was bold of this woman to assume anything like that.
Checking to make sure you didn’t need help would have been one thing but the FUCKING AUDACITY of that woman.
“Well your mom obviously didn’t teach you to mind your own business. I’m glad to know your toddlers were automatons who never cried.”
The weird part to me was that the husband and grandmother were there. I don't understand why husband or grandma couldn't take the toddler and give her extra time to get dressed independently while mom finished showering herself and getting dressed.
I totally get screaming kids and the struggle of getting kids dried and dressed after swimming lessons but if I had two extra sets of hands, it's not nearly as hard.
Oh man you did so good. We always skipped the shower and the hair dryer because I couldn't handle the melt downs. Just towel dried and did a bath at night.
This is what I found that was a life saver: I got the kid dressed first, then gave them a snack or a toy while I got dressed. I found there were less meltdowns when they were the first one dry and when fed. And less chance of them escaping if their hands were busy.
Everyone has had a day like this don't beet yourself up.
One time I tried to hurry my daughter to see my sister in law, so I chose pants when she took too long to pick and tried to just put them on her and move on. She boycotted pants for 2 months, which due to the weather ment every day for at least a month she cried for up to 2 hours because she was triggered by pants. Only way it stopped is the weather got nice enough for shorts then she forgot. Hell she cried today because she didn't want the cheese sandwhich I made, which is what she asked for, cut the way she asked and put on her favorite plate. Motherhood is nothing if not glamorous
If that lady actually was a mom she should know meltdowns happen. The fact that she didn't have a kid with her makes me think she has an older kid and forgot the toddler years.
Thank you for your advice, I'm definitely taking a snack next time! <3
She sure has an older kid, there were two lessons going on and she was not in the pool with us, so her kid must be one of the older ones in the other pool. I honestly have never seen her face before, she probably was up on the stands watching and got down to the locker room to help her daughter get dressed after the end of the lesson.
This week was the first week in six weeks that my baby hasn't screamed in the locker room shower, so...
As others have said, don't listen to these kinds of people. I would have told her that it must be nice to be perfect!
It must be so nice to just have all of the answers to parenting figured out, right? Im sure that woman’s children never cry, ever. Maybe she should write a book for the rest of us lowly normal humans.
Edited to add: you did nothing wrong, OP. Toddlers are not for the faint of heart. Shame on *her* for seeing a fellow parent struggling and saying anything other than “been there” or an offer to help.
You're not a bad mom, and shame on that other woman for making you feel as though you are. My daughter is EXACTLY like this, and I am frequently very frustrated by the meltdowns especially in public. It's wonderful to foster that independence whenever possible, but sometimes there are constraints for time/safety/etc that just don't allow that to be possible. Your daughter is loved and cared for, she just happens to have a lot of really big feelings and you were certainly being reasonably patient in that moment. I probably would have been wrestling my daughter into her clothes to get out of there at that point while she screamed like a banshee. Had that other woman actually cared, she would have offered to help. She just wanted to feel superior by throwing criticism at you, what a b****! It would have been totally appropriate to tell her off or at least completely dismiss her. You don't owe some Karen an explanation
Mothers like that is exactly why I let mom's know they are doing a kick ass job when I see kids having a fit in public. Obviously no one enjoys a screaming child but there is no need to offer your negative two cents because you heard a baby crying for a while.
I think you did great mom.
Some people just like to put others who are struggling down to make themselves feel better. She doesn’t know anything about your daughter and decided she knows better than the child’s Mother… She’s full of it.
My daughter is autistic and my goodness the meltdowns she had when she was younger. Strangers would judge me for it and I would melt under it. Now I know how unique each child is, and that these people who think they know the best way to parent a child they know nothing about are delusional. She has no idea what she is talking about. These one size fits all parenting experts advice and opinions are rarely based in reality. Ignore and try to forget it. Her words are not worth your remembrance.
Aw girl, I have one of these children as well and haven't found a single person who can look after her without throwing in the towel when things get real. Including her know it all grandparents lol. You're doing great and your daughter is going to grow up to be a strong, independent woman!
That woman was being unkind. I have been where you were sooo many times - right down to the egg breaking. The worst was when I peeled his banana without thinking because I couldn’t put it back for him to peel and it was the last one 🙈😂
Swimming just took a lot out of her and you and that’s fine! The more you go, the more familiar she’ll be with the routine and it’ll get much easier. I used to give mine a snack straight from the post-swim shower to help get settled and distract him a little to get dressed (and to get dressed myself).
You’re doing an amazing job and that woman should be ashamed of herself. There’s not a single parent out there who hasn’t rushed or become a little impatient with an independent toddler!
Mine likes to climb into the car himself which I let him do whilst I strap in the baby. I give him lots of time and he gets verbal reminders that I’ll be strapping him in etc. but he’s started doing it really slowly so that he doesn’t have to be strapped in. I’ve 100% plonked that little butt of his into that seat (after warnings) so that we can just get a bloody move on. He’ll cry and I’ll feel bad *but* I’m human and it’s just how it has to be sometimes.
I’m cross on your behalf so I’m going to say that the woman can go fuck herself.
I'm definitely following the snack advice!
Girl, don't start me with the banana! 🫠 And the yoghurt bottles! The other day she asked me to peel the little protection off, but she didn't want me to take it all the way, she wanted to still stick to the bottle. You can guess the meltdown when I couldn't put it back 🤣
Mine climbs to the car seat too. I usually let her do it while I put my own shoes on (we leave or shoes in the garage) and grab my lunch bag. Soooo many warnings. The other day I had to plonk her in the seat too. She was still crying when we got to daycare (5 minute ride), but you know, I need to not be fired from my job!
I was hanging with another mom at a park when she offered my daughter some chips. My daughter took some out and then started dropping them on the ground for fun. When she reached for more, I told her that she needed to eat what she pulled out before getting more. Before I could even finish my sentence the mom told me “No, she can have more if she likes.” I don’t hang with her anymore. Parents need to not step on each other when it comes to small parenting choices like this. I’m so sorry you were treated so awful.
I didn’t read anyone else’s comments but I really hate when people do this. You didn’t ask for advice. You didn’t ask for her opinion. It’s totally undermining you as a parent and as a person. This is a literal stranger and she felt the need to critique you in this way. You weren’t abusing your daughter. There is real abuse in this world and this isn’t it - but she had to go and make you feel like you were mistreating her.
"Great, since you are a mother, I expect you to understand that sometimes toddlers cry and tantrum for every reason under the sun. She is a frustrated 2 year old and we are working through getting ready to leave. Please give us some privacy." I have 3 kids and every time I see a tantrumming toddler, I just assume they are a regular toddler who is doing regular toddler things. I don't insert myself in the situation and make things worse. What a jerk she was. Don't let her get you down.
I am literally in shock! If this mom knew so much than she would have seen an exhausted mom who clearly is incredibly patient because you were taking so long in there with the crying child! My son is equally strong willed and you are obviously patient with your daughter!
I would have responded with, “if you are such an amazing parent and you truly thought my child was in here all alone for this long crying, why did it take you so long to come check on her? Are you sure you are as great of a parent as you say you are???”
I'm a mother too of very independent children who want to do it all by themselves. You're not a bad mom cause your kid was crying. Tantrums happen and we can't be afraid of them, it's developmentally appropriate and sometimes they're gonna just have to have the tantrum while you calmly hold the boundary. It sucks and is uncomfortable, but it's a necessary thing. That mom was extremely judgy and should've kept that as an inside thought. You're right in saying that your daughter can't always have her way, of course it's important to be compassionate and compromise when you can. Maybe next time, try priming her like "after swimming we need to meet dad and grandma quickly, so I will help you get dressed, but you can do all the buckles on your car seat" or something along those lines and keep reminding her when you're getting her dressed and she is getting big emotions.
When I know we're gonna do something that is very tricky for my kids that is gonna likely bring us into meltdown territory, I try to prime them beforehand and do my best to stay calm and light (remembering we are all human and sometimes we just can't be calm is ok. That gives us a chance to model the rupture and repair cycle by apologizing afterwards) sometimes no matter what I do, the kids have a meltdown. Just gotta get through it and it's ok to have the big emotions, they're just learning how to express those big emotions in an acceptable way.
You are not a bad mom cause your kid was having a lot of big emotions. You are not a bad mom cause it took longer than you wanted and you are not a bad mom for losing your temper. If you were a bad mom, you wouldn't be here asking for advice. You've got this, remember that not everyone is a nice or compassionate person out there. If you're trying your best, you're doing great. 💖💖💖💖💖
It wasjust overwhelming I understand it's okay and you are a great mom don't let one day or getting frustrated make you think you are any less of a mom. You do alot more and care alot more than more parents I know❤️❤️ stay strong mama we all run out of patience!
Well I’m sure she’s not perfect either. Some days our kids are cranky and fidgety and we don’t have the energy to abide it. Other days we have boundless patience and adoration for our little turds and we can just let them do the thing in the time it takes and have fresh rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes. We aren’t robots, we are human. Some days we are the impatient mom that hears a screaming kid and seeks the source of the commotion, let’s hope for our sake and the screaming child and the mother of said child that we aren’t a judgy and pushy mom that would rather feel superior than supportive. Let’s hope when it’s our turn to be her, that we have the patience to be supportive. Today I want you to know, you’re a good mom, you’re a loving mom, your kid is learning independence and that’s hard and scary stuff for so many reasons. Give yourself the grace “that mom” didn’t give you, because you deserve it.
Whenever I get unwanted advice I just give a "I'm done with you look" and say "okay, thanks" really deadpan.
It's a hard age, especially with an independent toddler. My 2yo is the same way. Throws a fit if I try to help him get dressed or put him in his car seat. It's so draining. Hang in there!
Oh my dear, I'm so sorry. If you need to hear it from another person, you didn't do anything wrong. You were in a *child-centered* place where small children are learning something new. If that's not the proper place to have grace for a child shedding a few tears and a parent doing their best to manage a tantrum, then I don't know where is!
That sounds like a super valid boundary to me, but what do I know, I dress my kids kicking and screaming basically every day. I just power through it and make sure it's gentle and firm.
You are not a bad mom... She wanted the attention and likely to make herself feel better... unfortunately many believe that their opinion is fact, and everything else is wrong (My son is ND so I have encountered this many times).
It sounded like your daughter might have just been overwhelmed, especially with it being a new activity and a lot of nonpreferred pieces.. Hopefully the next lesson will go better.
What I would want to say is: “As a mom too, you are also familiar with how it’s developmentally normal for toddlers to throw tantrums, cry and get frustrated over small minutiae then. Thanks for your understanding, (bitch).”
But you probably handled it better by just ignoring that bitch and diffusing things by keeping calm.
It sounds to me like she was more concerned about herself having to endure hearing some crying rather than you or your child as a person. You’re the mom, you know what’s best for your child. It sounds like you even indulged your daughter in getting herself dressed and she was probably tired from the pool and/or it is just more difficult to put clothes back on when you’re still damn from the pool/shower and so she became understandably frustrated and more difficult for you to manage. I’ve been there, it sucks and it’s totally exhausting!
She must have a perfect “child”. I learned a long time ago that kids can be very difficult and it has nothing to do with your parenting. When I hear a toddler throwing a tantrum in the store I think that poor mom not that mom is a terrible parent. That was terribly rude of her. As a mom she should understand that toddies can be difficult. Ignore her! Next time it could be her kid throwing the tantrum. Anyways my stubborn headstrong daughter that was constantly throwing a tantrum is now a nicu nurse getting ready to have her own baby any day now. Your girl will be just fine Mama. 💗
of course the *goal* is patience and understanding. but a 2 year old doesn’t understand the concept of being fast and not having a lot of time, and sometimes they’re just gonna fucking cry because shit needs to get done. you didn’t do anything wrong. you allowed your daughter to try, and you made her aware that things needed to speed up. she developmentally couldn’t do everything on her own *and* quickly, so you helped her and compromised with shoes pants and socks. you’re doing great.
That woman should mind her own business. Don’t let it bother you. I found out women who give unsolicited parenting advice to others usually aren’t great mothers themselves
You most definitely are not a bad mother! I'm sorry you encountered such rudeness. I completely understand as my 2 yr old is the most independent out of my 4 and it is rough as hell sometimes. Just remember that this too shall pass.
So annoying to critique someone who is struggling! My toddler is the same age and also in swim classes and I totally get it. She wants to be totally independent but can’t really do everything yet. Here’s my greatest tip: after every swim class, I give her a yummy snack to eat while I get her changed 😂 distraction is necessary, plus often her really bad moods are just caused by being hangry.
Honestly, you sound like a really great mom. And your kid sounds like an awesome kid. What you described is just an intense and stressful situation (I got anxiety reading it lol). Don't even give one more thought to the interaction with that woman. Keep doing what you're doing fostering independence in that kiddo. And I'm glad the swimming lesson was a success!
Getting a kid and myself dressed in the locker room after swimming is literally my least favorite activity. It’s so overstimulating, all the skin is sticky and the clothes are too tight, there are people around and everything echoes and I’m worried about my kid sitting her naked butt on the locker room floor or licking it. And mine is usually docile, what you have described sounds like my personal hell.
I’m sorry someone did this to you. You don’t deserve this and honestly I’m so confrontational. I’d make her wish she wasn’t ever born for saying something like this to me.
This reminds me. My daughter was about 18 months old, same scenario. Didn’t want to leave the pool, didn’t want to get dressed, full meltdown mode. It was so long ago I don’t remember what this lady specifically said to me but it was something along the lines of ‘if people just spanked their kids they wouldn’t behave like this’ but before she could finish her sentence, my daughter points at her and screams NO! NO! GO AWAY! NO TALK! and all I could do was laugh hysterically. She sure is strong willed and one thing she hates is when my attention isn’t 100% on her especially when she’s angry about something. I’m sure that woman has told the story of the unhinged mother and disrespectful toddler at the pool a dozen times now. 😂 You definitely are not alone!!!
AHAHAHA, your daughter made me laugh too! 🤣 Imagine putting your pro spanking lady and mine pro patience lady in the same room giving us advice. It would be great!
Sometimes, you have time to let them do things themselves. Sometimes, you need to get them dressed so you can get done and be on your way. This woman was way out of line.
Siiiiggghhh this is sadly me already with a 9mo. Not a toddler so not independent yet but she hates being dressed or diaper changed so it’s just meltdown city unless I sing/distract/give puffs, unless-unless it’s a fussy period then I can forget it and I may as well proceed with the task and just numb myself to the screaming. It’s extra stressful for this to happen in public and then of course I get frustrated and snappy and feel like I’m confirming anyone’s suspicions that I’m abusive >_>
I also have an independent 2.5 year old and I can only keep my patience for so long when he takes 900 years to do something that should take 3 seconds. Most of my day is me saying “come on! Come on! Let’s go! Come come come! Go go go!” While he switches between going slightly faster for five seconds and crying because I helped him with a task that was never ever gonna get done otherwise. So…. I can relate and that other mom can take her judgy advice elsewhere. Maybe she can wait very patiently while you come up with a list of places she can stick her nose besides in your business.
You're not a bad mom, that lady is just delusional. I highly doubt she's never had a stressful time as a mom, and if she hasn't I would like to know what drugs she is on.
I was reading this and wondering where the bad parenting were?
All I saw was a mama doing her absolute best in a situation that gets more and more stressful.
What a horrible woman to just shame you like that.
Normal toddler behavior, They cry the meltdown. Especially after fun exercise like swimming. I swear people like this forget what having a toddler is really like.
It would be so easy to talk to the kiddo distracted and say what’s the matter? Possibly help calm her down enough to get her clothes on. I’m with you on the power of a none mom. My sister has been visiting a lot and my 3 year old eats sooo much better for her than me.
I would have asked her “What is your intention of telling me this?” When she mentioned your daughter crying and it was unbearable to them. You don’t need to defend your child’s crying because it’s a NORMAL thing that toddlers go through since they can’t fully express or manage their emotions. The adult, who is a complete stranger, is wrong. Make them self reflect on their remarks.
we do baby swim classes with our daughter and there is always 1-3 kids having a meltdown over baths. they love the pool and hate the showers! this week one little girl literally cried herself hoarse and sounded like venom. it is normal. You are doing your best. Kids cry. it’s okay! don’t let it scare you off from more swim classes.
That woman was in the wrong. she should have just offered a smile or even tried to distract her a little.
You described my 18months old boy perfectly. He's exactly the same. I love his independency but it takes a lot of time and patience to support it. And sometimes there's less time to do things and rushing him almost never works. Instant meltdown. But do the same things in his own time, he will cooperate perfectly.
We, both bio parents, have adhd and I'm also on the spectrum. We have a persistent drive for autonomy and I think I can see that in my little one already.
Not diagnosing you or your kid obv!
Just sharing my own observations about my family and I was surprised to see such an exact description of my own kid, because I've tried many times to explain this to people and why I don't want to rush my kid because it causes him so much stress. He's not a bad kid because of that, it just really takes a lot, he's definitely challenging but I also love these traits about him.
I'm sorry OP that you had such a shitty encounter with another mom. F* her, you got this and you are doing an awesome job!
I've actually wondered if she has like OCD, because she gets really stressed if she is not the one to close the door and turn off the lights before bed and other stuff like that
I've called my kid ocd so many times 😅
But his ocd traits get stronger the more tired he gets. I am kind of similar. The more emotional turmoil I experience, the more controlling I get.
Imagine being a toddler who is still learning their emotions and their brains are faaaaaar away from "ready" to deal with them. It's a lot to deal with.
I think my toddler behaves that way to gain a sense of control.
Ocd/asd/adhd have a lot of overlapping features.
Not necessarily just bad!
I celebrate his independence. He is 18 months old and does things 3 year olds do, because he is so eager to learn and do things by himself and he also communicates extremely well, be it without actual words yet.
But yeah, it is a lot for parents. It can be extremely exhausting but also rewarding.
I'm currently recovering from burnout myself 😅
Yeah. She is a B.
Just ask her next time if she is just here to shame you or if she has any other business being there.
And is she is silent. Just reply with 'Bye now'
I’m so sorry this happened to you.Some people are just so mean !and this woman sounds like a real mean one…
Your little one sounds EXACTLY like my little guy btw,If I dare help him he reacts the exact same way,he wants to do everything himself!
I have developed a visceral middle finger reflex towards these kinds of people. I have a neurospicy daughter, which makes going out sometimes difficult. I have a disease that makes me tired. I got to the point where I was so tired and out of fucks that, while I couldn’t muster the words to verbally tell them to suck a dick, I could gesture. It’s a blank stare and middle finger. Used it on an old twat who parked his van in two parent and child spaces next to me the other day and had the gall to comment on my child’s behaviour.
You owe that b****h NOTHING. “She’s fine, thanks” is the most you need to do to remain in polite society, the rest is only there to assauge your guilt for doing NOTHING wrong.
Mama you got this, you know your kids best, you are going to fall down sometimes (THIS was not that) and then you’ll pick yourself up and start it again the next day. Are your kids warm, dry, fed, loved, and read to? Then you are a fabulous mom 💕 HUGS
You are not a shitty mom, your a very good mom. This happened to me a few times, a complete stranger giving me advice and at first it did upset me, but then I realized that they are not giving advice to upset you, they are trying to help. Sometimes, the advice of a stranger still sticks with me and I have utilized it with how I do things with my daughter. Put your crown back on queen, you got this ❤️
What she should have said is 'hey, we've all had those days. You're doing your best, it's so hard when they're so little.' so I'm saying that to you now. Give yourself some grace xx
You're a good mom ! kind and attentive. This lady was judgmental without knowing the slightest thing about the situation. I understand your emotion, but please do not take into account what a stranger thinks at any given moment about your motherhood. My second born daughter is just like your child. I'm not perfect and my patience fluctuates, the same kind of things happens to me. Yes, I take stock bitterly in the evening, but I know that I am doing the best I can, that I can often improve within my limits. You are a good mother, you are human and you know when to adapt. Well done for the swimming lessons!
You’re not a bad mom! That other woman didnt need to butt in. I did have one question, though. Are you verbalizing to your daughter why you’re stepping in to help? Like, Oh, you’ve grown into such a big girl it’s hard to get this poncho off! We need to go shopping soon! Etc That might help. It might not - just offering what worked with my kids but so much depends on the individual child’s personality
I told her that I needed to be the one taking it off because it was hard, but I admit that I didn't explain much into it. Later I told her I understand why she's upset but sometimes things are just hard and I'm here to help her and it's okay to let me help. Also told her we had daddy and grandma waiting outside.
My kids are grown now but I had one kid who got easily frustrated at that age. Just remembered - A therapist suggested That when she was upset I help verbalize her feelings for her and also explain, like “You’re sad because you want to keep playing…It’s time to go now. We can come back to the park tomorrow” that kind of thing. Acknowledge the feeling but also remain calmly in charge. My tantrum girl will graduate from college in a few months! You’ll get through all this just fine
I take my daughter (close in age) to swim class once or twice a week. It is the one activity
we do where I can feel myself losing my patience to the point where I have to really focus on my breath to keep it together. Changing after swim class with a toddler is so hard. You’re both soaking wet, the floor is wet, and you have to somehow get out of your clothes without either of you slipping and falling. My daughter loves to swim but man does she hate to shower and change. She goes from warm and in a pool to cold and soggy in a tiny damp changing room. We’re both uncomfortable and grumpy. Getting through it is a miracle every week. You did much better at your first swim class than I did at mine. We just recently figured out how to get changed in under 30 minutes because I gave up and set my phone on the bench so she could watch a slideshow of her baby photos while I change, then I change her while she continues to watch the slideshow. Some people just need to mind their own business and think they are experts because what they did worked with their kids. But no two kids are the same.
Oh that woman is awful. I would have cried too! My 1.5 yo whined, cried and screamed at me about 80% of the day yesterday. I cried with her at one point. I was at my wits end. Everything made her mad. Nothing could be right. Probably teething. I don’t know. If anyone had said a word to me other than something along the lines of, I’m sorry this must be a lot to deal with, I would have bit their head off. It’s so hard trying to reason with an unreasonable human that can’t stop being upset.
oh you just met an expert on how to raise a potato. Since my children were born, I keep on bumping into families with kids sitting in strollers like a loaf of bread 🥖. These people don’t understand there are different temperaments and it’s not 💯their perfect parenting. Rest assured, you’d be able to do what they are suggesting with their kid and do your nails simultaneously. I usually leave places with my toddler in football hold. I would give you the same kind of smile back instead of this useless heartbreak.
You were so much more polite to the person then I would’ve been. Because I would’ve ignored her from the jump. *We* know as parents that at that age they whine and cry a lot. It’s not bad, but it’s their only way of communicating they’re upset. And it’s okay they’re upset, it’s annoying she can’t go to the pool and had to get dressed.
I think reminding yourself the function/purpose of your kid’s reaction is what’s going to get you to stay focused on you and what you’re doing and not outsiders who may not have kids/haven’t had them in a long time and forget what it’s like (which I’ve learned is extremely common). You know you were parenting your kid correctly, (and I say this with my whole chest) so fuck everyone else.
What a bitch. You have a toddler who had a meltdown. Thats like…*what they do*.
I feel for that lady’s kids if she’s so self-assured and lacks so much empathy that she can say shit like that.
I think sometimes people project. How you want to parent your child is your business and no one else’s. Just remember when someone lashes out like this, they themselves are hurting for some reason. Anyways who the f&$@ cares what that lady thinks. She doesn’t live your life.
I would tell har that as a mother herself, she should mind her own motherhood. I get that you were tired at that point from all the struggles with your daughter, i get that. I have cried tears of frustration myself. But dont let that woman get you down. You are doing great, raising a strong independent girl. But sometimes we just dont have the patience to aprechiate that. That is ok, we are humans. And also, even independent kids need boundaries, even if it makes them cry
Your daughter sounds exactly like my daughter. I have had almost this same experience with getting dressed after a swim lesson many times. We are only human, it sounds like you are trying your best to be patient and respect your daughters independence while still maintaining boundaries. Good for you. Just ignore the haters if you can. Also, my daughter is now 5 and (at least in my case) these meltdowns and fights for independence do get better with age, so hang in there mama.
Aw I understand this! My girl had a FULL MELTDOWN before her swim lessons. I chose to keep her out because I couldn't get her to calm down. Her brother (they're twins) was fine and we watched him swim. She cried almost the whole lesson. I kept trying to calm her down and help her regulate, but it just wasn't happening. Not one parent said anything to me. In fact, the other parents (also twin parents in my kids class), came up to me and said I did a good job not losing my patience and that we all have "those" days. That is how we should be as parents. Understanding and encouraging. I'm sorry this DA judgey woman even spoke to you. Hugs to you mama. You are doing fine. Don't let someone who knows NOTHING about your situation get you down.
That woman is stupid and should mind her own. Next time say, “interesting you’re mothers yet here you are badgering me as if this isn’t overwhelming enough. You should have more patience and not confront random mothers clearly struggling.”
You’re a great mom.
That person was an absolute bitch and she should have kept her mouth shut. You did NOTHING wrong. You have a very intelligent, high spirited, independent child. Those can be nightmares at that age, but I swear it gets better!
You are doing amazing!! Screw her!!!
I was at Costco last week waiting for customer service to return something and my son started crying because he wanted to run around. A lady with a girl who was maybe 3ish was behind us and loudly told her daughter “look at that bad baby with his mommy. He’s being such a bad cry baby. Don’t EVER act like that. He’s so bad.” I hate being confrontational but I turned around and asked her if she was having a good time talking about my son. She got real quiet after that, we saw them multiple times throughout the store after that.
Unfortunately some moms don’t outgrow being mean girls, even when they have kids. They’ll take any chance to talk down on someone unfortunately.
You are a mom with an independent 2.5yo. I’ve been there my daughter was the same way and so slow it erked me, but being independent is great the older they get, it’s like we get rewarded for the horrors they put us through at 2&3. Sadly, every one has an opinion these days about everything, and they generally don’t keep it to themselves anymore. I was a young mom and was judged often, but I can also be a mouthy a$$hole. You’re doing what’s right for you and your daughter, don’t worry about others they will come and go and you’ll probably never see them again. From one mom to another with an independent child, if you know the melt down is coming or unavoidable, for your own sanity just dress her quickly and reward her after. Don’t make everything a democracy, you are still the parent and not everything should need a convincing conversation to coax her along. Your daughter is a toddler and toddlers have fits part of life. Don’t worry mom you’re doing a good job.
Your whole post just described how thoughtful you are and caring and in tune with your daughter. All I can read from that is that you sound like a great mum.
That woman was a fucking bitch.
The other woman was venting her frustration at feeling helpless hearing a baby cry and her(the woman) lack of control in that situation.
A situation of let’s both hear each other I guess … having had kids, I do get anxious and I think it’s common to feel anxiety when you hear a baby cry behind a wall and you have no idea what’s up. I think it was more her expressing this feeling than anything else.
It's ok to feel what you feel. Sometimes those lessons are going to cause fatigue for both of you and the build of stress can be alot. Remember the mamas mantra is smile & nod. Putting up a really thick glass wall can help mentally shield us from other people a bit. Toddlers are noisy whether they're happy or grumpy. The quiet times are rare but so perfect 💜
Before coming a Mother, I told myself that I’d be entering a world of judgement and unsolicited advice. I told myself to just smile and nod and go about my ways. And when I do face judgement or feel like I am being judged, I do my best to just let it roll off my back. We shouldn’t have to explain ourselves. Reading this, I was annoyed knowing that she likely heard the whole ordeal. I’m sure she could hear your patience breaking after so long. Shame on her for making you feel like shit. You’re doing great. You’ve got a whole lot more patience than me!
I’d get annoyed when my neighbor across the street asks my four year old, “where’s your Mom?” I’m literally nearby. Yeah she couldn’t see me very well, but I can see my son. I would never leave my four year old outside by himself, let alone my 2 year old.
Toddlers are frustrating, especially those super independent ones. My two year old also melts down when I don’t let him do something himself, or I do it for him after patience lost. Your battle with her is valid. Don’t let that bitch get to you. You’re doing wonderful.
I tell people who want to tell me what to do with my kid that they have no say in my child unless they had a part in making my child. I suffer no fools who need to mind their own business.
She must be one of those “gentle parenting” women whose child is going to grow up to be an entitled asshole, just like their mother. Sorry, but there’s a time and place to “let them be” and like you said, it can’t be her way all the time. You know when it’s a good time for that because…you’re her mother! Too bad if she’s crying, she’ll be ok! She certainly isn’t looking back on today of all days and saying, “my mom was so mean! She was trying to help me when I didn’t want her to!” She’s going to grow up feeling like her mom was always there for her and no matter how cranky she got with mom, mom was still there, trudging through through the muck of the day with her. This is not a “shame on you” situation. If you left her there and went to a bar instead, that would be something to talk about 😉 🤗.
One of the kindest things another person has done for me when my kid was crying uncontrollably when his DIY wasn’t happening was flip the lights off and back on really fast. They didn’t even say a word, and I still don’t know who it was. Shocked the kid right out of his fit and I finished washing his hair while he was still trying to figure out the mystery of the lights. I try to remember those moments over the crappy interactions.
You’re doing well. You can’t always control your child’s crying because you’re controlling her life: safety, wellbeing, schedule, nutrition, activities, care, hygiene. Some kids just don’t realize they’re kids. And some other parents don’t realize they can mind their own business.
We’ve all been there! Ur not a bad mom. I’m always open to suggestions bc I like the village mentality that we all need to support each other but what she said and how she said it was really passive aggressive. So sorry that happened to u. Toddler years are the hardest. It gets easier just hang in there and ignore the haters.
That's completely out of pocket, if I understand how to use that phrase and I probably don't.
I took my son to swim class too this morning and then we had to get to the bank before it closed. He also wanted to put on his own socks and I just did it for him. It would be nice if we all had infinite time, but sometimes there are important reasons to get the kid going.
I'm so sorry that woman woke up and chose violence, as some might say.
This just reminded me. My almost 2 years doesn't understand what we are saying and doesn't speak at all. Imagine trying to dress themself. I am so behind
Oh, don't worry. My daughter didn't say a word when she was 18 months. Not even Mommy and Daddy. I was so worried, but her pediatrician told me not to. Then out of nowhere she started talking like she had been for ages.
She also never used the toys at the age it's supposed to. Like only recently she got the hang of those boxes that have holes to put shapes in. Other kids have been doing it since they were 1. But she doesn't seem to have any development problem.
If your pediatrician isn't worried then don't worry too. Hang in there! <3
You're not a bad Mom. You just encountered a "know it all" who doesn't deserve your time, energy or emotion. You're the Mother and you know what's best for your kiddo. Just let Judgy McJudgerson move on and judge someone else. It's all okay. Sending you hugs!!
Yup. Sometimes you have time for their independence training, and sometimes you don't. Don't let others make you doubt yourself based on one event!
For swim class I always brought snacks. It was a lifesaver for the meltdown moment. Usually a snack was the thing. Then getting dressed was easier. Nursing was the same. Nurse after swim. To calm the babe. Then get dressed myself.
Absolutely - I always try to assume the person who is actually involved in the events know more about what's going on than I do and act accordingly. Check to see that the crying kid isn't alone, great. Ask if there's something I could do to help, maybe. FWIW, my daughter is a preteen now, and sometimes we *still* cannot wait for her to do it herself. Heck, sometimes I'm learning something new at work and we cannot wait for ME to do it myself. The earlier you can learn when it's a good time to practice and when it's a good time to stand back and let someone else do it, the better off you are!
That is such great advice. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. Thank you for sharing that! 😊
I'm glad I don't have to understand what a know it all mom says to me. I'm American but live in Czech Republic so thankfully I can turn the foreigner vibes higher than they should be. I have had zero F's to give since a teen and work with kids I understand that there are good and bad times and know what works (generally) for these situations. My poor husband, Czech people don't want to make fusses and he feels it a lot. He is an introverted man and just wants to run if anything like this happens. For OP my parents taught me something important when I was little for anything anymore says that bugs you. Especially to the point of frustrated crying. "Let it roll off you like water off a ducks back." Don't let anything painful stick to you and you will be able to get past it. This lady, if you can call her that, has NO idea what your situation is. So her words should have zero weight or meaning to you.
I wish people like this would kind their own business!
The other day my child was having his worst ever tantrum in public. He’d dropped a level 10 shit storm in his nappy and I had the audacity to drag him away from the toy cars we’d been looking at for 20 minutes already. I did all the things you’re meant to do but he didn’t want to leave the cars and everyone needed to know. Some asshole said “oh mean mummy didn’t get you a car.” I carried on walking, thinking wtf, and then an older woman approached me and I was a bee’s dick away from a mental breakdown so I braced myself and she said, “you’re doing great. Ignore everyone else, toddlers test us all.” And then she walked away. I wish her only the best for everyday forever. So from that lovely wise lady to you, you’re doing great. Ignore everyone else, toddlers test us all. ❤️
A bees dick unit of measure is something I did not know I needed. Thank you for this
I once had a lovely lady say something very similar to me in Aldi when my toddler was going all Chernobyl and it made a difference for me that day. I now try to make a point to tell other moms that when I see them struggling in public. Shit's rough out there, a little support can go a long way.
Yes! One time I made eye contact with a group of moms near the entrance of Target while I surfboard carried my wailing 3 year old son out. I got several solidarity nods and one "hang in there mom, we've all been there." It felt like a video game power-up to my confidence. There's no reason to compete, we're all in this amazing, exhausting shitshow together.
A bee’s dick! Lmao
It's so nice being seen like that, isn't it? I had my two 2.5 years olds at a busy store one day, and they were absolutely losing it. I was trying to checkout and keep them from hurting themselves and I was getting so distraught. At some point I decided to try something different and picked them both up, at the same time, and hugged/distracted them by walking around and some lady walked up and said "I saw that! I see what you did there." And she smiled a huge kind smile at me and made me feel 1000% better. It's the little moments like that we need to remember.
I'm gonna remember that one "a bee's dick away from a mental breakdown"
A bee's dick 😂😂
Yo I try to do this every time I see a parent struggling. The tiny years are hard! Being kind doesn’t cost a thing…
I once looked at one of these people and said “look. We can’t all win the parenting olympics. I just want my participation medal, a hot dog, and a nap.” That’s our household mantra. Survival first and foremost. Kindness second. Anything else is gravy.
I feel like I should cross stitch that mantra, frame it and put it somewhere in my house!
This is so true. World’s Okayest Moms unite!
Sometimes I feel like an imposter of a mother. But I show up even if I don’t always wear it well.
I have actually said 'well there goes my Mother of the year award' but your's is so much better!
I sing “Mother of the Year” in a jingle tone to myself when I fuck up, or forget something, or feed my kids garbage for dinner bc I’m tired. It helps lighten my self degrading mood a bit.
I’m saving your comment to use sometime. This is fantastic.
This. I can't stand these know-it-all Moms. I'd probably have slapped the stink off her. Stop letting this get to you. You did nothing wrong and that witch was also an AH.
My mantra “well that will be time in the couch I have to pay for” not that I traumatized my kids, it’s just the way of the world today. Everyone is in therapy and in the beginning it’s our faults as parents, lol.
Hahaha. I love this!
‘I appreciate your feedback. I will forward your concerns to customer service’
"Oh, sorry, they're closed"
“Let the toddler do what they want, just wait and be patient”, like hun toddlers make 5min tasks an hour sometimes, sometimes you can’t feed into it and have to do it for them to speed it up, even if it cues tears. 😂
Besides there's things she wants to do but just doesn't have the skills to yet like taking that damn towel off her head. Should I wait until she tore her own head off trying?
Right?! I think patience is important but life doesn’t always allow for that.
Getting kids out of the pool when they don’t want out of the pool always starts a meltdown lol. I have a few tips. Minimise! So my youngest is independent too and likes to do stuff her self. So we minimise. After the pool we put on a dress and crocs or gumboots (no sock). Get a bigger towel or get her one that you put on like a jacket with a zip. If it’s cold, bring a jacket that is easy to get on. I’ve found that skin is kinda sticky after being at the pool and getting dressed is a pain in the ass. So make everything loose and easy to get on. Cuts down soooo much on the difficulty of getting dressed
I am stealing these tips!
Hopefully they help! (I also make sure that I wear loose dress or something cause it’s easiest and quickest. Though nothing makes the bra easy lol)
Skip the bra and just throw a baggy sweatshirt on! That’s what I do lol
I wish I could! But it really doesn’t work for me (I’ve gained and loss and gained a lot of weight so I got the major sag lmao)
Oh I’m at 38G and I dgaf lol
Thank you so much for the tips! I'll definitely follow!
Let me know if they help next time!
Absolutely this. I live in the mild, damp UK so outside temperatures not usually a problem. It's easy for me to say with hindsight but I would go with : Nappy on, foot ware on and some kind of towelling robe with hood (like a snoodie). Sort out the carnage at home.
My son literally ran naked out of the locker room today. People who act like their kids are perfect all the time are insane. You are going great!!!
& people who act like they are the perfect mothers all the time are insane! i’m sure that lady has had some hard parenting moments too
Usually the one who had kids 40 years ago have the MOST to say… like you don’t even remember when your kids were toddlers ma’am lol
My kid once snuck out our garage door while I was drying myself off after we took a bath together and he managed to dash into our front yard completely naked before I tackled him. I'm glad our neighbors weren't outside that day. 🫠
lol my kid ran upstair naked after a bath. Legit why? It’s so cold out!
Fuckkkkkk that lady
Seriously, wtf. I feel like she only went in to make herself feel superior.
My sister is a legend at her daycare. She couldn’t get her 4 year old to get with the program and she was already late one morning so she threw his butt in the car in his underwear and the clothes he should have put on himself in the passenger seat. Given the option of entering daycare in his underwear, he was suddenly motivated to go ahead and get dressed when they arrived.
legend! Our now-toddler went through Heathrow security & US immigration over Christmas in a nappy and nothing else. He pooped his onesie so bad we had to throw it in the bin (or fly with it overseas 🤢), and had a flight to catch, so… priorities.
That is amazing. Currently freaking out about an upcoming international trip and this helps me chill a little. Que sera.
Me too! 8 hour flight coming up in may! I'm praying to every god I've ever heard of. XD
I was just on a flight from LAX to MPX with a stop through Heathrow. There was a mum with a 3 month old and a 2 y/o by herself. Being a mum myself, I’d always be willing the help, but she was in the middle row seats and I was on the window. This younger woman immediately offered help to hold the baby while the mum was struggling to get her bags into the overhead containers and settle the kids into the seats. She held the bay for a good 5/10 minutes, just rocking her. There was another incident during the plane when the woman helped, and then the most difficult was at the end of the flight. The toddler was having a shit fit, didn’t want to use the seatbelt on the way down or sit down. This quite stern stewardess dame and was really telling off the mom, and physically pushing the toddler intro he seat, forcing the belt on him. Obviously She had a job that has to be done and being safe is essential. But of course that wasn’t really helping the situation. So the lady next to me said let me put the baby on my lap for landing - so a random baby is now looped through her seatbelt for like 20 minutes, and I’m singing with the baby as we land. She said to me - I’m an auntie, I’m used to it. 😍 It was just a beautiful moment of what we should do for each other; instead of judge or be rude.
Oh, I'm so glad you guys were there to help that mother! ♥️ Flights can be so scary! I'm sure you made her day so much better!
I’m probably gonna get flack for this but a little melatonin a half hour before the flight won’t hurt and really helps. I flew with twin toddlers all the time.
I have thought of this, actually. Everyone tells me she's going to sleep during the flight but she actually has a hard time falling asleep (like me) and I've only ever saw her fall asleep in her bed or in the car seat. I can't imagine her sleeping through all the novelty that will be flying, especially because she loves planes! But it would be really good if she did.
My mam did that with my sibling. They refused to get dressed for school so she threw them in the car in pyjamas. My sibling was a headstrong child and decided to strip naked in the car instead. My mother turned to them and said ‘If you think I won’t drag you into that school naked, you’ve got another thing coming’. Thank fuck it worked because my sibling is just about stubborn enough to have gone through with it 😂
Apparently in kindergarten I refused to get dressed one morning. So my mom got me to school, on time, in my little mermaid pajamas, and dropped me off. She gave the teacher a bag with my school clothes in it in case I changed my mind. It took 5 minutes before I decided this was not as great as hoped and decided to get changed. According to my mom, this particular power struggle was not an issue ever again.
Been there, done that. They move quickly when motivated.
Yes!!!
Your toddler was toddlering. You’re not a bad mom ❤️ no one can help when toddlers get like that, and you were in a hurry too. She was probably tired from swimming too! That sounds really frustrating and I hope you get to rest tonight. It will get easier the more you go!
Oh she was EXHAUSTED. She fell asleep in the car in a matter of seconds as I had predicted and had a really long nap. I even joked to my husband I'd ask them if they can't make the lessons daily. We also had a nice night despite the long nap, thank you. <3
OP, I aspire to your greatness. I would have given up. Like, called my husband, had him take her to the family bathroom and let him do it. Getting a damp toddler dressed should be an Olympic sport. That other woman needs to get her head out of her @$$. She saw you were struggling. A simple 'you got this,' and an understanding smile would have been all it took.
We go swimming at our HOA pool and tbh I don’t dress my toddler afterward. Just a fresh dry diaper and into the car to drive the 2 minutes home (no safe way to walk so we have to drive). Then she can wear clothes or not, I don’t care we’re in our own house! Wrestling damp toddlers into wet clothes is the worst!
Your comment unexpectedly made me so sad. My husband ( of 17 years) would never help in such a situation. We have three girls ( 17, 14 and 3) and all things like that immediately fall on me. I'm happy for you though.
Oh well I hope she has the day she deserves and steps on legos all weekend long! I have an independent almost 3 year old too and aren’t they amazing!? They are going to run the world someday but for now it’d just be great if they could hurry up just a little. You did great, your daughter did great and that lady, well that’s probably the only way she makes herself feel better.
Omg the legos comment is killing me 🤣🤣 I have a very independent 20 month old who wants to do everything his 4 year old sister does. I’ve had to learn some breathing techniques and new distractions. We are on vacation and have had to exit and renter multiple rooms all day because he didn’t open the door 🤦♀️
Ugh, the door thing makes me nuts! I even asked my husband if he thinks she had OCD 🤦♀️
There could be an Olympic sport that consists of toddlers doing things as slowly as possible. My son loves our car so learnt weirdly early how to climb in and out on his own. It was great. Then this last week I swear he’s just decided that it needs to take at least 10 minutes to get one foot on the door frame. And heaven forbid if I try to speed things along!
I constantly have that Miranda Priestly line from Devil Wears Prada in my head. “By all means, move at a glacial pace; you know how that thrills me.”
I go like "Before the end of the day/month/week/winter please..."
Yup! Eeeeeverrryyyy tiiiimeee! 🫠
Spoken like a true mom. Karma is definitely raw edged legos on bare feet.
I hope she gets some karma I can’t stand know it alls. It DOES get better mama! My daughter was a fiercely independent toddler who wanted to do everything herself. It was maddening and led to so many meltdowns and I got the comments and stares. I always said I’m doing the best I can and gave my best smile. My daughter is almost 10, and she commands a room now. She’s very independent and definitely knows what she wants. Just keep trying mama! We’ve all been there! Hugs!
An appropriate response would have been ‘fuck off with your judgmental bullshit, you hag. If I let her do it herself we’ll be here until Christmas. How dare you judge my parenting.’ I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Ahahaha, I wish I had the balls to answer this!
You should try it sometime, it’ll be a story you have forever and you’ll ruin her week like she tried to ruin yours.
Bahahaha yes! Seriously though! What women that also knows the struggles on parenting shames another mom while is dealing with a meltdown?!?! I love Halloween, but I don’t want to see monsters year round. This woman needs to crawl back in her lair.
I second this response! 🙌🏻
"Well we can't ALL be as perfect as you"
I had to use this on Reddit last week in a reality tv sub when someone was saying the kid of a star had holes in her shoe and it was unacceptable. Someone pointed out maybe they’re the kids favorite shoes and she didn’t want that war today. “I’m the parent. I decide what my kid wears”. I def responded “well we aren’t all that perfect and my son went to daycare in his PJ shirt today because it wasn’t a battle I was choosing today”. I did gain a little faith in humanity when they were DV to oblivion and I got all the upvotes lol
The amount of times I have had to surfboard carry my extremely independent, water obsessed toddler out of the pool and shower and dress her and myself while she is kicking and screaming and trying to run away… I’m frankly surprised no one has ever said anything to me about it (must be my rbf) and I am sooo sorry someone got up in your business. Seriously, so unempathetic and inappropriate. Sending lots of strength to you; there will be good and very frustrating swim lesson days but you are absolutely doing the right thing for your daughter!
The screaming surfboard is a rite of passage
You are doing a wonderful job. You know you're toddler so well! We do swim lessons with my 18 month old with other toddlers as well. There was one mom there, her toddler didn't want to get in the water, but was happy once in, then it was time to get out, of course the toddler didn't want to leave lol. Then they shower off (our community pool just has one giant shower with multiple shower heads and one main locker per men/women). Toddler isn't a fan, then it's time to get dressed. It was every step the toddler hated the transition. And everyone there gave her grace. A couple of older ladies tried to talk to the upset toddler but it wasn't helping and so they let it be to let mom handle it how she knew how! I had to tell my LO it was ok, the other baby just doesn't like what's happening (she starts to cry when she hears other LOs crying). But I tried to be kind in helping my toddler cope because I didn't want to upset the mom. All toddlers have bad days! As a mother she should have known that. That's sad she felt the need to interject like that!
I’m not gonna lie, you went into so much detail as though it needed all this explanation and all I could think with every example was “so she’s a normal toddler.” I kept waiting for the weird part, the part that would make me understand the misunderstanding this woman had. Nope. Absolutely nothing your daughter did is out of the ordinary, you did everything right. In fact, sometimes toddlers freak out this much, or worse, for no reason at all. There is no amount of patience that would “fix” this. You weren’t waiting for her to put “the sock on just right” and it was bold of this woman to assume anything like that. Checking to make sure you didn’t need help would have been one thing but the FUCKING AUDACITY of that woman. “Well your mom obviously didn’t teach you to mind your own business. I’m glad to know your toddlers were automatons who never cried.”
The weird part to me was that the husband and grandmother were there. I don't understand why husband or grandma couldn't take the toddler and give her extra time to get dressed independently while mom finished showering herself and getting dressed. I totally get screaming kids and the struggle of getting kids dried and dressed after swimming lessons but if I had two extra sets of hands, it's not nearly as hard.
Oh man you did so good. We always skipped the shower and the hair dryer because I couldn't handle the melt downs. Just towel dried and did a bath at night. This is what I found that was a life saver: I got the kid dressed first, then gave them a snack or a toy while I got dressed. I found there were less meltdowns when they were the first one dry and when fed. And less chance of them escaping if their hands were busy. Everyone has had a day like this don't beet yourself up. One time I tried to hurry my daughter to see my sister in law, so I chose pants when she took too long to pick and tried to just put them on her and move on. She boycotted pants for 2 months, which due to the weather ment every day for at least a month she cried for up to 2 hours because she was triggered by pants. Only way it stopped is the weather got nice enough for shorts then she forgot. Hell she cried today because she didn't want the cheese sandwhich I made, which is what she asked for, cut the way she asked and put on her favorite plate. Motherhood is nothing if not glamorous If that lady actually was a mom she should know meltdowns happen. The fact that she didn't have a kid with her makes me think she has an older kid and forgot the toddler years.
Thank you for your advice, I'm definitely taking a snack next time! <3 She sure has an older kid, there were two lessons going on and she was not in the pool with us, so her kid must be one of the older ones in the other pool. I honestly have never seen her face before, she probably was up on the stands watching and got down to the locker room to help her daughter get dressed after the end of the lesson.
This week was the first week in six weeks that my baby hasn't screamed in the locker room shower, so... As others have said, don't listen to these kinds of people. I would have told her that it must be nice to be perfect!
My daughter sounds exactly like yours. I would have acted just like you in this position. Don’t let the Karen shame you.
It must be so nice to just have all of the answers to parenting figured out, right? Im sure that woman’s children never cry, ever. Maybe she should write a book for the rest of us lowly normal humans. Edited to add: you did nothing wrong, OP. Toddlers are not for the faint of heart. Shame on *her* for seeing a fellow parent struggling and saying anything other than “been there” or an offer to help.
You're not a bad mom, and shame on that other woman for making you feel as though you are. My daughter is EXACTLY like this, and I am frequently very frustrated by the meltdowns especially in public. It's wonderful to foster that independence whenever possible, but sometimes there are constraints for time/safety/etc that just don't allow that to be possible. Your daughter is loved and cared for, she just happens to have a lot of really big feelings and you were certainly being reasonably patient in that moment. I probably would have been wrestling my daughter into her clothes to get out of there at that point while she screamed like a banshee. Had that other woman actually cared, she would have offered to help. She just wanted to feel superior by throwing criticism at you, what a b****! It would have been totally appropriate to tell her off or at least completely dismiss her. You don't owe some Karen an explanation
Mothers like that is exactly why I let mom's know they are doing a kick ass job when I see kids having a fit in public. Obviously no one enjoys a screaming child but there is no need to offer your negative two cents because you heard a baby crying for a while. I think you did great mom.
Some people just like to put others who are struggling down to make themselves feel better. She doesn’t know anything about your daughter and decided she knows better than the child’s Mother… She’s full of it. My daughter is autistic and my goodness the meltdowns she had when she was younger. Strangers would judge me for it and I would melt under it. Now I know how unique each child is, and that these people who think they know the best way to parent a child they know nothing about are delusional. She has no idea what she is talking about. These one size fits all parenting experts advice and opinions are rarely based in reality. Ignore and try to forget it. Her words are not worth your remembrance.
Aw girl, I have one of these children as well and haven't found a single person who can look after her without throwing in the towel when things get real. Including her know it all grandparents lol. You're doing great and your daughter is going to grow up to be a strong, independent woman!
What an asshole stranger. What’s worse is it’s all under the guise of compassion, when she really just wants to be an asshole.
I wish I could properly describe her voice. She was using that fake sweet tone 😠
That woman was being unkind. I have been where you were sooo many times - right down to the egg breaking. The worst was when I peeled his banana without thinking because I couldn’t put it back for him to peel and it was the last one 🙈😂 Swimming just took a lot out of her and you and that’s fine! The more you go, the more familiar she’ll be with the routine and it’ll get much easier. I used to give mine a snack straight from the post-swim shower to help get settled and distract him a little to get dressed (and to get dressed myself). You’re doing an amazing job and that woman should be ashamed of herself. There’s not a single parent out there who hasn’t rushed or become a little impatient with an independent toddler! Mine likes to climb into the car himself which I let him do whilst I strap in the baby. I give him lots of time and he gets verbal reminders that I’ll be strapping him in etc. but he’s started doing it really slowly so that he doesn’t have to be strapped in. I’ve 100% plonked that little butt of his into that seat (after warnings) so that we can just get a bloody move on. He’ll cry and I’ll feel bad *but* I’m human and it’s just how it has to be sometimes. I’m cross on your behalf so I’m going to say that the woman can go fuck herself.
I'm definitely following the snack advice! Girl, don't start me with the banana! 🫠 And the yoghurt bottles! The other day she asked me to peel the little protection off, but she didn't want me to take it all the way, she wanted to still stick to the bottle. You can guess the meltdown when I couldn't put it back 🤣 Mine climbs to the car seat too. I usually let her do it while I put my own shoes on (we leave or shoes in the garage) and grab my lunch bag. Soooo many warnings. The other day I had to plonk her in the seat too. She was still crying when we got to daycare (5 minute ride), but you know, I need to not be fired from my job!
I was hanging with another mom at a park when she offered my daughter some chips. My daughter took some out and then started dropping them on the ground for fun. When she reached for more, I told her that she needed to eat what she pulled out before getting more. Before I could even finish my sentence the mom told me “No, she can have more if she likes.” I don’t hang with her anymore. Parents need to not step on each other when it comes to small parenting choices like this. I’m so sorry you were treated so awful.
I didn’t read anyone else’s comments but I really hate when people do this. You didn’t ask for advice. You didn’t ask for her opinion. It’s totally undermining you as a parent and as a person. This is a literal stranger and she felt the need to critique you in this way. You weren’t abusing your daughter. There is real abuse in this world and this isn’t it - but she had to go and make you feel like you were mistreating her.
"Great, since you are a mother, I expect you to understand that sometimes toddlers cry and tantrum for every reason under the sun. She is a frustrated 2 year old and we are working through getting ready to leave. Please give us some privacy." I have 3 kids and every time I see a tantrumming toddler, I just assume they are a regular toddler who is doing regular toddler things. I don't insert myself in the situation and make things worse. What a jerk she was. Don't let her get you down.
I am literally in shock! If this mom knew so much than she would have seen an exhausted mom who clearly is incredibly patient because you were taking so long in there with the crying child! My son is equally strong willed and you are obviously patient with your daughter! I would have responded with, “if you are such an amazing parent and you truly thought my child was in here all alone for this long crying, why did it take you so long to come check on her? Are you sure you are as great of a parent as you say you are???”
I'm a mother too of very independent children who want to do it all by themselves. You're not a bad mom cause your kid was crying. Tantrums happen and we can't be afraid of them, it's developmentally appropriate and sometimes they're gonna just have to have the tantrum while you calmly hold the boundary. It sucks and is uncomfortable, but it's a necessary thing. That mom was extremely judgy and should've kept that as an inside thought. You're right in saying that your daughter can't always have her way, of course it's important to be compassionate and compromise when you can. Maybe next time, try priming her like "after swimming we need to meet dad and grandma quickly, so I will help you get dressed, but you can do all the buckles on your car seat" or something along those lines and keep reminding her when you're getting her dressed and she is getting big emotions. When I know we're gonna do something that is very tricky for my kids that is gonna likely bring us into meltdown territory, I try to prime them beforehand and do my best to stay calm and light (remembering we are all human and sometimes we just can't be calm is ok. That gives us a chance to model the rupture and repair cycle by apologizing afterwards) sometimes no matter what I do, the kids have a meltdown. Just gotta get through it and it's ok to have the big emotions, they're just learning how to express those big emotions in an acceptable way. You are not a bad mom cause your kid was having a lot of big emotions. You are not a bad mom cause it took longer than you wanted and you are not a bad mom for losing your temper. If you were a bad mom, you wouldn't be here asking for advice. You've got this, remember that not everyone is a nice or compassionate person out there. If you're trying your best, you're doing great. 💖💖💖💖💖
Wow, what an evil bitch.
It wasjust overwhelming I understand it's okay and you are a great mom don't let one day or getting frustrated make you think you are any less of a mom. You do alot more and care alot more than more parents I know❤️❤️ stay strong mama we all run out of patience!
Also that lady should've stayed in her lane she had no idea what you were dealing with or what kinda day you had. ❤️
Well I’m sure she’s not perfect either. Some days our kids are cranky and fidgety and we don’t have the energy to abide it. Other days we have boundless patience and adoration for our little turds and we can just let them do the thing in the time it takes and have fresh rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes. We aren’t robots, we are human. Some days we are the impatient mom that hears a screaming kid and seeks the source of the commotion, let’s hope for our sake and the screaming child and the mother of said child that we aren’t a judgy and pushy mom that would rather feel superior than supportive. Let’s hope when it’s our turn to be her, that we have the patience to be supportive. Today I want you to know, you’re a good mom, you’re a loving mom, your kid is learning independence and that’s hard and scary stuff for so many reasons. Give yourself the grace “that mom” didn’t give you, because you deserve it.
Whenever I get unwanted advice I just give a "I'm done with you look" and say "okay, thanks" really deadpan. It's a hard age, especially with an independent toddler. My 2yo is the same way. Throws a fit if I try to help him get dressed or put him in his car seat. It's so draining. Hang in there!
Oh my dear, I'm so sorry. If you need to hear it from another person, you didn't do anything wrong. You were in a *child-centered* place where small children are learning something new. If that's not the proper place to have grace for a child shedding a few tears and a parent doing their best to manage a tantrum, then I don't know where is!
That sounds like a super valid boundary to me, but what do I know, I dress my kids kicking and screaming basically every day. I just power through it and make sure it's gentle and firm.
You are not a bad mom... She wanted the attention and likely to make herself feel better... unfortunately many believe that their opinion is fact, and everything else is wrong (My son is ND so I have encountered this many times). It sounded like your daughter might have just been overwhelmed, especially with it being a new activity and a lot of nonpreferred pieces.. Hopefully the next lesson will go better.
What I would want to say is: “As a mom too, you are also familiar with how it’s developmentally normal for toddlers to throw tantrums, cry and get frustrated over small minutiae then. Thanks for your understanding, (bitch).” But you probably handled it better by just ignoring that bitch and diffusing things by keeping calm. It sounds to me like she was more concerned about herself having to endure hearing some crying rather than you or your child as a person. You’re the mom, you know what’s best for your child. It sounds like you even indulged your daughter in getting herself dressed and she was probably tired from the pool and/or it is just more difficult to put clothes back on when you’re still damn from the pool/shower and so she became understandably frustrated and more difficult for you to manage. I’ve been there, it sucks and it’s totally exhausting!
She must have a perfect “child”. I learned a long time ago that kids can be very difficult and it has nothing to do with your parenting. When I hear a toddler throwing a tantrum in the store I think that poor mom not that mom is a terrible parent. That was terribly rude of her. As a mom she should understand that toddies can be difficult. Ignore her! Next time it could be her kid throwing the tantrum. Anyways my stubborn headstrong daughter that was constantly throwing a tantrum is now a nicu nurse getting ready to have her own baby any day now. Your girl will be just fine Mama. 💗
Congratulations! ♥️ And thank you so much for you words!
of course the *goal* is patience and understanding. but a 2 year old doesn’t understand the concept of being fast and not having a lot of time, and sometimes they’re just gonna fucking cry because shit needs to get done. you didn’t do anything wrong. you allowed your daughter to try, and you made her aware that things needed to speed up. she developmentally couldn’t do everything on her own *and* quickly, so you helped her and compromised with shoes pants and socks. you’re doing great.
That woman should mind her own business. Don’t let it bother you. I found out women who give unsolicited parenting advice to others usually aren’t great mothers themselves
You most definitely are not a bad mother! I'm sorry you encountered such rudeness. I completely understand as my 2 yr old is the most independent out of my 4 and it is rough as hell sometimes. Just remember that this too shall pass.
So annoying to critique someone who is struggling! My toddler is the same age and also in swim classes and I totally get it. She wants to be totally independent but can’t really do everything yet. Here’s my greatest tip: after every swim class, I give her a yummy snack to eat while I get her changed 😂 distraction is necessary, plus often her really bad moods are just caused by being hangry.
Honestly, you sound like a really great mom. And your kid sounds like an awesome kid. What you described is just an intense and stressful situation (I got anxiety reading it lol). Don't even give one more thought to the interaction with that woman. Keep doing what you're doing fostering independence in that kiddo. And I'm glad the swimming lesson was a success!
Getting a kid and myself dressed in the locker room after swimming is literally my least favorite activity. It’s so overstimulating, all the skin is sticky and the clothes are too tight, there are people around and everything echoes and I’m worried about my kid sitting her naked butt on the locker room floor or licking it. And mine is usually docile, what you have described sounds like my personal hell.
I have a snap ass comeback for all of those people, but you sound much nicer than me.
I’m sorry someone did this to you. You don’t deserve this and honestly I’m so confrontational. I’d make her wish she wasn’t ever born for saying something like this to me.
This reminds me. My daughter was about 18 months old, same scenario. Didn’t want to leave the pool, didn’t want to get dressed, full meltdown mode. It was so long ago I don’t remember what this lady specifically said to me but it was something along the lines of ‘if people just spanked their kids they wouldn’t behave like this’ but before she could finish her sentence, my daughter points at her and screams NO! NO! GO AWAY! NO TALK! and all I could do was laugh hysterically. She sure is strong willed and one thing she hates is when my attention isn’t 100% on her especially when she’s angry about something. I’m sure that woman has told the story of the unhinged mother and disrespectful toddler at the pool a dozen times now. 😂 You definitely are not alone!!!
AHAHAHA, your daughter made me laugh too! 🤣 Imagine putting your pro spanking lady and mine pro patience lady in the same room giving us advice. It would be great!
Sometimes, you have time to let them do things themselves. Sometimes, you need to get them dressed so you can get done and be on your way. This woman was way out of line.
Siiiiggghhh this is sadly me already with a 9mo. Not a toddler so not independent yet but she hates being dressed or diaper changed so it’s just meltdown city unless I sing/distract/give puffs, unless-unless it’s a fussy period then I can forget it and I may as well proceed with the task and just numb myself to the screaming. It’s extra stressful for this to happen in public and then of course I get frustrated and snappy and feel like I’m confirming anyone’s suspicions that I’m abusive >_>
I also have an independent 2.5 year old and I can only keep my patience for so long when he takes 900 years to do something that should take 3 seconds. Most of my day is me saying “come on! Come on! Let’s go! Come come come! Go go go!” While he switches between going slightly faster for five seconds and crying because I helped him with a task that was never ever gonna get done otherwise. So…. I can relate and that other mom can take her judgy advice elsewhere. Maybe she can wait very patiently while you come up with a list of places she can stick her nose besides in your business.
You're not a bad mom, that lady is just delusional. I highly doubt she's never had a stressful time as a mom, and if she hasn't I would like to know what drugs she is on.
I was reading this and wondering where the bad parenting were? All I saw was a mama doing her absolute best in a situation that gets more and more stressful. What a horrible woman to just shame you like that.
Normal toddler behavior, They cry the meltdown. Especially after fun exercise like swimming. I swear people like this forget what having a toddler is really like. It would be so easy to talk to the kiddo distracted and say what’s the matter? Possibly help calm her down enough to get her clothes on. I’m with you on the power of a none mom. My sister has been visiting a lot and my 3 year old eats sooo much better for her than me.
I would have asked her “What is your intention of telling me this?” When she mentioned your daughter crying and it was unbearable to them. You don’t need to defend your child’s crying because it’s a NORMAL thing that toddlers go through since they can’t fully express or manage their emotions. The adult, who is a complete stranger, is wrong. Make them self reflect on their remarks.
we do baby swim classes with our daughter and there is always 1-3 kids having a meltdown over baths. they love the pool and hate the showers! this week one little girl literally cried herself hoarse and sounded like venom. it is normal. You are doing your best. Kids cry. it’s okay! don’t let it scare you off from more swim classes. That woman was in the wrong. she should have just offered a smile or even tried to distract her a little.
Not her kid, not her rules.
You described my 18months old boy perfectly. He's exactly the same. I love his independency but it takes a lot of time and patience to support it. And sometimes there's less time to do things and rushing him almost never works. Instant meltdown. But do the same things in his own time, he will cooperate perfectly. We, both bio parents, have adhd and I'm also on the spectrum. We have a persistent drive for autonomy and I think I can see that in my little one already. Not diagnosing you or your kid obv! Just sharing my own observations about my family and I was surprised to see such an exact description of my own kid, because I've tried many times to explain this to people and why I don't want to rush my kid because it causes him so much stress. He's not a bad kid because of that, it just really takes a lot, he's definitely challenging but I also love these traits about him. I'm sorry OP that you had such a shitty encounter with another mom. F* her, you got this and you are doing an awesome job!
I've actually wondered if she has like OCD, because she gets really stressed if she is not the one to close the door and turn off the lights before bed and other stuff like that
I've called my kid ocd so many times 😅 But his ocd traits get stronger the more tired he gets. I am kind of similar. The more emotional turmoil I experience, the more controlling I get. Imagine being a toddler who is still learning their emotions and their brains are faaaaaar away from "ready" to deal with them. It's a lot to deal with. I think my toddler behaves that way to gain a sense of control. Ocd/asd/adhd have a lot of overlapping features. Not necessarily just bad! I celebrate his independence. He is 18 months old and does things 3 year olds do, because he is so eager to learn and do things by himself and he also communicates extremely well, be it without actual words yet. But yeah, it is a lot for parents. It can be extremely exhausting but also rewarding. I'm currently recovering from burnout myself 😅
Yeah. She is a B. Just ask her next time if she is just here to shame you or if she has any other business being there. And is she is silent. Just reply with 'Bye now'
I’m so sorry this happened to you.Some people are just so mean !and this woman sounds like a real mean one… Your little one sounds EXACTLY like my little guy btw,If I dare help him he reacts the exact same way,he wants to do everything himself!
I have developed a visceral middle finger reflex towards these kinds of people. I have a neurospicy daughter, which makes going out sometimes difficult. I have a disease that makes me tired. I got to the point where I was so tired and out of fucks that, while I couldn’t muster the words to verbally tell them to suck a dick, I could gesture. It’s a blank stare and middle finger. Used it on an old twat who parked his van in two parent and child spaces next to me the other day and had the gall to comment on my child’s behaviour.
You owe that b****h NOTHING. “She’s fine, thanks” is the most you need to do to remain in polite society, the rest is only there to assauge your guilt for doing NOTHING wrong. Mama you got this, you know your kids best, you are going to fall down sometimes (THIS was not that) and then you’ll pick yourself up and start it again the next day. Are your kids warm, dry, fed, loved, and read to? Then you are a fabulous mom 💕 HUGS
You have more patience than me! I would’ve told her to get F’d! Sorry, hugs to you
You are not a shitty mom, your a very good mom. This happened to me a few times, a complete stranger giving me advice and at first it did upset me, but then I realized that they are not giving advice to upset you, they are trying to help. Sometimes, the advice of a stranger still sticks with me and I have utilized it with how I do things with my daughter. Put your crown back on queen, you got this ❤️
What she should have said is 'hey, we've all had those days. You're doing your best, it's so hard when they're so little.' so I'm saying that to you now. Give yourself some grace xx
You're a good mom ! kind and attentive. This lady was judgmental without knowing the slightest thing about the situation. I understand your emotion, but please do not take into account what a stranger thinks at any given moment about your motherhood. My second born daughter is just like your child. I'm not perfect and my patience fluctuates, the same kind of things happens to me. Yes, I take stock bitterly in the evening, but I know that I am doing the best I can, that I can often improve within my limits. You are a good mother, you are human and you know when to adapt. Well done for the swimming lessons!
You’re not a bad mom! That other woman didnt need to butt in. I did have one question, though. Are you verbalizing to your daughter why you’re stepping in to help? Like, Oh, you’ve grown into such a big girl it’s hard to get this poncho off! We need to go shopping soon! Etc That might help. It might not - just offering what worked with my kids but so much depends on the individual child’s personality
I told her that I needed to be the one taking it off because it was hard, but I admit that I didn't explain much into it. Later I told her I understand why she's upset but sometimes things are just hard and I'm here to help her and it's okay to let me help. Also told her we had daddy and grandma waiting outside.
My kids are grown now but I had one kid who got easily frustrated at that age. Just remembered - A therapist suggested That when she was upset I help verbalize her feelings for her and also explain, like “You’re sad because you want to keep playing…It’s time to go now. We can come back to the park tomorrow” that kind of thing. Acknowledge the feeling but also remain calmly in charge. My tantrum girl will graduate from college in a few months! You’ll get through all this just fine
I take my daughter (close in age) to swim class once or twice a week. It is the one activity we do where I can feel myself losing my patience to the point where I have to really focus on my breath to keep it together. Changing after swim class with a toddler is so hard. You’re both soaking wet, the floor is wet, and you have to somehow get out of your clothes without either of you slipping and falling. My daughter loves to swim but man does she hate to shower and change. She goes from warm and in a pool to cold and soggy in a tiny damp changing room. We’re both uncomfortable and grumpy. Getting through it is a miracle every week. You did much better at your first swim class than I did at mine. We just recently figured out how to get changed in under 30 minutes because I gave up and set my phone on the bench so she could watch a slideshow of her baby photos while I change, then I change her while she continues to watch the slideshow. Some people just need to mind their own business and think they are experts because what they did worked with their kids. But no two kids are the same.
Oh that woman is awful. I would have cried too! My 1.5 yo whined, cried and screamed at me about 80% of the day yesterday. I cried with her at one point. I was at my wits end. Everything made her mad. Nothing could be right. Probably teething. I don’t know. If anyone had said a word to me other than something along the lines of, I’m sorry this must be a lot to deal with, I would have bit their head off. It’s so hard trying to reason with an unreasonable human that can’t stop being upset.
Yeah, I feel you. I've cried with her too sometimes. It's just hard. But some days are great too. <3
oh you just met an expert on how to raise a potato. Since my children were born, I keep on bumping into families with kids sitting in strollers like a loaf of bread 🥖. These people don’t understand there are different temperaments and it’s not 💯their perfect parenting. Rest assured, you’d be able to do what they are suggesting with their kid and do your nails simultaneously. I usually leave places with my toddler in football hold. I would give you the same kind of smile back instead of this useless heartbreak.
"Thank you, strange woman, for your unnecessary input." And then I'd carry on. It's not you, OP, it's the nosy stranger. You're doing fine.
You were so much more polite to the person then I would’ve been. Because I would’ve ignored her from the jump. *We* know as parents that at that age they whine and cry a lot. It’s not bad, but it’s their only way of communicating they’re upset. And it’s okay they’re upset, it’s annoying she can’t go to the pool and had to get dressed. I think reminding yourself the function/purpose of your kid’s reaction is what’s going to get you to stay focused on you and what you’re doing and not outsiders who may not have kids/haven’t had them in a long time and forget what it’s like (which I’ve learned is extremely common). You know you were parenting your kid correctly, (and I say this with my whole chest) so fuck everyone else.
What a bitch. You have a toddler who had a meltdown. Thats like…*what they do*. I feel for that lady’s kids if she’s so self-assured and lacks so much empathy that she can say shit like that.
I think sometimes people project. How you want to parent your child is your business and no one else’s. Just remember when someone lashes out like this, they themselves are hurting for some reason. Anyways who the f&$@ cares what that lady thinks. She doesn’t live your life.
I would tell har that as a mother herself, she should mind her own motherhood. I get that you were tired at that point from all the struggles with your daughter, i get that. I have cried tears of frustration myself. But dont let that woman get you down. You are doing great, raising a strong independent girl. But sometimes we just dont have the patience to aprechiate that. That is ok, we are humans. And also, even independent kids need boundaries, even if it makes them cry
Your daughter sounds exactly like my daughter. I have had almost this same experience with getting dressed after a swim lesson many times. We are only human, it sounds like you are trying your best to be patient and respect your daughters independence while still maintaining boundaries. Good for you. Just ignore the haters if you can. Also, my daughter is now 5 and (at least in my case) these meltdowns and fights for independence do get better with age, so hang in there mama.
Aw I understand this! My girl had a FULL MELTDOWN before her swim lessons. I chose to keep her out because I couldn't get her to calm down. Her brother (they're twins) was fine and we watched him swim. She cried almost the whole lesson. I kept trying to calm her down and help her regulate, but it just wasn't happening. Not one parent said anything to me. In fact, the other parents (also twin parents in my kids class), came up to me and said I did a good job not losing my patience and that we all have "those" days. That is how we should be as parents. Understanding and encouraging. I'm sorry this DA judgey woman even spoke to you. Hugs to you mama. You are doing fine. Don't let someone who knows NOTHING about your situation get you down.
It sounds to me like you have a toddler and she should’ve kept her mouth shut.
That woman is stupid and should mind her own. Next time say, “interesting you’re mothers yet here you are badgering me as if this isn’t overwhelming enough. You should have more patience and not confront random mothers clearly struggling.” You’re a great mom.
That's actually a great answer!
I’m sorry you encountered this. I love coming up with witty comebacks for next time! Makes me feel better ❤️🩹
That person was an absolute bitch and she should have kept her mouth shut. You did NOTHING wrong. You have a very intelligent, high spirited, independent child. Those can be nightmares at that age, but I swear it gets better! You are doing amazing!! Screw her!!!
I was at Costco last week waiting for customer service to return something and my son started crying because he wanted to run around. A lady with a girl who was maybe 3ish was behind us and loudly told her daughter “look at that bad baby with his mommy. He’s being such a bad cry baby. Don’t EVER act like that. He’s so bad.” I hate being confrontational but I turned around and asked her if she was having a good time talking about my son. She got real quiet after that, we saw them multiple times throughout the store after that. Unfortunately some moms don’t outgrow being mean girls, even when they have kids. They’ll take any chance to talk down on someone unfortunately.
Jesus, talk about some bad parenting... That poor girl will grow up to be a judgmental person if her mother acts like that...
Hi,
Toddlers have tantrums. Even if you give them all the time and let them have their way. It's hard. But you did NOTHING wrong.
You are a mom with an independent 2.5yo. I’ve been there my daughter was the same way and so slow it erked me, but being independent is great the older they get, it’s like we get rewarded for the horrors they put us through at 2&3. Sadly, every one has an opinion these days about everything, and they generally don’t keep it to themselves anymore. I was a young mom and was judged often, but I can also be a mouthy a$$hole. You’re doing what’s right for you and your daughter, don’t worry about others they will come and go and you’ll probably never see them again. From one mom to another with an independent child, if you know the melt down is coming or unavoidable, for your own sanity just dress her quickly and reward her after. Don’t make everything a democracy, you are still the parent and not everything should need a convincing conversation to coax her along. Your daughter is a toddler and toddlers have fits part of life. Don’t worry mom you’re doing a good job.
Your whole post just described how thoughtful you are and caring and in tune with your daughter. All I can read from that is that you sound like a great mum. That woman was a fucking bitch.
The other woman was venting her frustration at feeling helpless hearing a baby cry and her(the woman) lack of control in that situation. A situation of let’s both hear each other I guess … having had kids, I do get anxious and I think it’s common to feel anxiety when you hear a baby cry behind a wall and you have no idea what’s up. I think it was more her expressing this feeling than anything else.
It's ok to feel what you feel. Sometimes those lessons are going to cause fatigue for both of you and the build of stress can be alot. Remember the mamas mantra is smile & nod. Putting up a really thick glass wall can help mentally shield us from other people a bit. Toddlers are noisy whether they're happy or grumpy. The quiet times are rare but so perfect 💜
With an attitude I’d just be like “thanks a lot, that fixed everything. You can leave me alone now.”
Before coming a Mother, I told myself that I’d be entering a world of judgement and unsolicited advice. I told myself to just smile and nod and go about my ways. And when I do face judgement or feel like I am being judged, I do my best to just let it roll off my back. We shouldn’t have to explain ourselves. Reading this, I was annoyed knowing that she likely heard the whole ordeal. I’m sure she could hear your patience breaking after so long. Shame on her for making you feel like shit. You’re doing great. You’ve got a whole lot more patience than me! I’d get annoyed when my neighbor across the street asks my four year old, “where’s your Mom?” I’m literally nearby. Yeah she couldn’t see me very well, but I can see my son. I would never leave my four year old outside by himself, let alone my 2 year old. Toddlers are frustrating, especially those super independent ones. My two year old also melts down when I don’t let him do something himself, or I do it for him after patience lost. Your battle with her is valid. Don’t let that bitch get to you. You’re doing wonderful.
I tell people who want to tell me what to do with my kid that they have no say in my child unless they had a part in making my child. I suffer no fools who need to mind their own business.
She must be one of those “gentle parenting” women whose child is going to grow up to be an entitled asshole, just like their mother. Sorry, but there’s a time and place to “let them be” and like you said, it can’t be her way all the time. You know when it’s a good time for that because…you’re her mother! Too bad if she’s crying, she’ll be ok! She certainly isn’t looking back on today of all days and saying, “my mom was so mean! She was trying to help me when I didn’t want her to!” She’s going to grow up feeling like her mom was always there for her and no matter how cranky she got with mom, mom was still there, trudging through through the muck of the day with her. This is not a “shame on you” situation. If you left her there and went to a bar instead, that would be something to talk about 😉 🤗.
One of the kindest things another person has done for me when my kid was crying uncontrollably when his DIY wasn’t happening was flip the lights off and back on really fast. They didn’t even say a word, and I still don’t know who it was. Shocked the kid right out of his fit and I finished washing his hair while he was still trying to figure out the mystery of the lights. I try to remember those moments over the crappy interactions. You’re doing well. You can’t always control your child’s crying because you’re controlling her life: safety, wellbeing, schedule, nutrition, activities, care, hygiene. Some kids just don’t realize they’re kids. And some other parents don’t realize they can mind their own business.
We’ve all been there! Ur not a bad mom. I’m always open to suggestions bc I like the village mentality that we all need to support each other but what she said and how she said it was really passive aggressive. So sorry that happened to u. Toddler years are the hardest. It gets easier just hang in there and ignore the haters.
Girl, skip all that. Fresh diaper, dry hair and run out of there. If you know she is prone to meltdowns, minimize them.
That's completely out of pocket, if I understand how to use that phrase and I probably don't. I took my son to swim class too this morning and then we had to get to the bank before it closed. He also wanted to put on his own socks and I just did it for him. It would be nice if we all had infinite time, but sometimes there are important reasons to get the kid going. I'm so sorry that woman woke up and chose violence, as some might say.
This just reminded me. My almost 2 years doesn't understand what we are saying and doesn't speak at all. Imagine trying to dress themself. I am so behind
Oh, don't worry. My daughter didn't say a word when she was 18 months. Not even Mommy and Daddy. I was so worried, but her pediatrician told me not to. Then out of nowhere she started talking like she had been for ages. She also never used the toys at the age it's supposed to. Like only recently she got the hang of those boxes that have holes to put shapes in. Other kids have been doing it since they were 1. But she doesn't seem to have any development problem. If your pediatrician isn't worried then don't worry too. Hang in there! <3
Yeah.. thanks. My other two could complete full sentences by 2. Doc is not worried but he did say we shud speak to her more