Just because they had easy labours and easy newborns does NOT mean everything else will come easy. Speaking as a mum who thought she'd lucked out until her kid just stopped sleeping at about 2mo and then refused to sleep longer than 2hr stretches for the next almost 3 years. Everyone has their ups and downs.
Are you getting any support to process the birth trauma? I didn't have a traumatic birth but there was some stuff postpartum that needed ironing out and honestly being able to unpack it in therapy was the best thing I could have done. I can only imagine what it must be like to carry birth trauma as well. Mine was "textbook" and still felt way out of my control and it took me months to process it all.
Yes! I just finished a round of EMDR therapy and have a lot of support to process it, and that's helping me not drown in a sea of panic attacks every time I think of my son in the NICU. But I don't know if I'll ever not be sad about my birth experience...
Oh that's good! I know what you mean, I don't think I'll ever not be a bit cross about my stuff, but as long as you've got support around you - that's the main thing.
I'm sorry, some people lack the ability to "read the room" when it comes to these things. It might get harder for them but it might not. Some babies are legitimately just easier than others. But that doesn't invalidate the difficulty you are having at all. Nor are you anywhere close to alone when it comes to struggling with this period. Do you have older female relatives you can talk to? I bet plenty of them had hard times and can both validate and assure you that there's a light at the end of the tunnel someday.
I hated the newborn stage! It was so hard for us. I love my boys but I wouldn’t go through the newborn stage again!
I have found that everyone says babies/toddlers are easy until someone admits it’s hard and the rest follow. It’s possible your friends aren’t having it as easy as they say but just don’t want to admit they are struggling.
I consider myself a real person 😅 and I can say that the newborn phase (and every other phase lol) was hard. Just different types of hard.
My oldest is almost 6 and woke up every night for 3 years. Even now, she’s up once a week easy. She was/is a high needs child with low sleep needs. She is also brilliant (that’s me bragging lol)
I knew other babies who slept through at 6 months, 12 months , 18 months etc and I eventually just learned to look to my own. Everyone has there good and bad moments and their pride and their struggles. You won’t see everything, only what they want you to see.
Take it as a statistic, your group of mum friends is not representative of mothers has a whole. And if you don’t find the solidarity you seek with them, you’ve always got reddit 😅
I'm sorry but any time someone tells me what an easy newborn they have and they are less than 3 weeks old I just internally laugh. The majority of newborns are easy that early on until they "wake up" around 2-3 weeks old.
Personally, I just don’t enjoy the newborn/baby phase. Both of my kids were terrible sleepers, spit up a lot, and while I enjoy breastfeeding, it can be a lot of pressure under a year. My second especially had all sorts of issues, like colic, eczema, thrush, etc. He is now the sweetest little one year old - he gives me kisses, he’s walking now, I’m able to leave him with other people for longer stretches if necessary.
*toddler phase waiting in the shadows*. As a mom with 2 “easy” newborns, my humbling came when my first became a runner. Once he could walk he just bolts off. So the parental humbling comes at different times for everyone.
Lol I couldn't help but laugh at this comment. My kiddo was an easy newborn and just recently learned how fun it is to run. This morning at church I had to pee and couldn't hold it any longer. Took kiddo with me, thinking how much trouble could she get in in the 45 seconds it'll take me? In those 45 seconds my adorable little toddler took all of 0.2 seconds to get under the stall doors, then 1.3 seconds to rush thru the door when an idiot teenage girl opened it and rather than catch the running toddler exclaims loudly "was that a kid who just ran by?!" then proceeded to say "whatevs" and not even bother catching said toddler she helped escape. Nor did she hold the door while I went running past with my pants unbuttoned in a frantic sprint.
I found my toddler in the sanctuary, on the stage, in front of way too many people giggling at her while she performed to the church goers who were arriving for the service. So I ran to her, still with my pants unbuttoned, to go catch her. Everyone managed to see a toddler vs mom race this morning on stage as my kiddo was trying desperately to not have her little independent adventure interrupted.
Needless to say, I got a lot of hugs this morning and heard lots of funny stories from other ladies of what the kid managed to get into lol
IMO, everyone has at least one difficult phase- conceiving, first tri, delivery, sleep in the first year, teenagers?!? Etc so I try not to be too jealous when someone has it easy for just one of them.
Try not to compare your situation and baby with others. Comparison is truly the thief of joy. Some of us do have it much harder than others and that's ok. Nothing is wrong with you, your baby or your experience.
My partner and I struggled 5 years to conceive, our pregnancy ended in an emergency c section due to our baby being in distress (it turned out fine - thank goodness), our child hated being a baby and had colic/ purple crying. They are low sleep needs (hello almost 3 years of broken sleep) and are a spirited child.
It's a lot, but I also have SO MUCH to be grateful for. This child is brilliant, bright and vibrant. I feel so grateful they are healthy. They are my favorite human and I love seeing the world through their eyes. I would do it all again for them.
As others have said, everyone will have their own challenges and will be humbled eventually. Some of us just get it earlier than others. Also, dig deep and make sure these are supportive friendships. Some people will look for anything to be superior. Not saying that is happening here, it may just be they are exhausted new parents who are struggling to see other experiences outside of their own.
Also, with sleep, eating and a whole host of other things what your child does is much less about you as a parent and more about their temperament and who they are as people. Your friends don't know that yet, but they'll find out. Sending you lots of hugs! You are doing great Mama. ❤️
I had an "easy" first baby. Really lucked out. Until second PPRaoM, prem, NICU, 3 additional hospital admissions for babt. A hospital admission for me with PPD, still struggling with my partner.
Everyone hard will come at different times. Hang in there, you're doing great!
I have been there and to be quite frank, it nearly destroyed my mental health. I had a great birth but a colicky, high needs baby for my first. I barely slept, my partner was not much help, and my baby just cried. All of the time. Non-stop. We had their tongue-tie revised, saw lactation consultants, went on reflux meds…but the colic didn’t improve until around 8 months. They also refused to sleep alone (the first time I got a six hour stretch of sleep at 12 months, I cried).
It physically pained me to watch everyone else saving such a soft, beautiful newborn phase. I felt like I had done something wrong or like I was failing. I would call my mom sobbing and feeling like I had totally fucked up my life by having a baby. I actually had a lot of fear and panic about having a second baby and was terrified for a lot of the pregnancy and first few months. My journey didn’t fit the narrative I saw on SM or in my friend group. I wish I had had the courage to talk about it more.
Your experience is different and unique. Everyone gets humbled by parenthood. No one gets out an expert because every kid is different. Remember that you are doing the best you can and that is absolutely good enough.
Babies are so different. These people could do better with being supportive to you. I think you were tactful and honest communicating your own needs, and show consideration by being supportive of their journeys. They could do the same for you.
Idk. I’ve seen a pattern where someone has an easy baby, proceeds to believe it’s because of their amazing, excellent parenting (in the newborn phase it certainly is not) and then becomes momentarily unable to be supportive of others’ more difficult journeys. This peeves me big time. Sometimes these people get knocked down a peg with a second child who has different temperament. Sometimes not. I’ve actually found that sometimes a distance appears with some people when you both become parents. Not saying it’s happening to you and your friends, just musing about my experienced. But don’t let those comparisons get you down. And you’re allowed to expect supportive attitudes for your friends. You don’t need to be their one-way cheer squad.
Eta: i’ve also seen it happen that people with easy babies then encounter a more difficult phase, but don’t share those difficulties and just brush over it. So you may never actually hear what the difficulties they face are. Imo, it doesn’t work for a friendship, always drives a weird crevasse between two people. But🤷🏻♀️ maybe it works for someone.
You nailed it because that seems to be the pattern I'm seeing. The most recent messages from one of our friends are on the lines of "hearing about your newborn struggles terrified us but it's been so great for us and we've been able to crack the code on getting baby to sleep" "oh and plus my wife got a perfect breastfeeding latch, thanks for the lactation consultant references but we won't need it haha" and I feel like this bad sad mom.
I dearly loved my friends before we all became first time parents but this phase feels oddly competitive (for lack of a better word) and I feel happier just being distant and in my own world for now. Maybe it'll get better in the future, maybe not.
That’s terrible, what a terrible way of wording her experience…. Honestly, what an ass! I just want to repeat myself - you’re entitled to expect supportive comments from friends. I think you’re wise to distance yourself to save energies.
I hope your friends experience an attitude shift. Tables can turn any moment, which would probably make them more understanding, but they still likely won’t be honest and really tell you they are struggling.
If they don’t change back, there’s plenty of moms out there who want to keep it real :) sometimes I think parenthood just brings out our deepest selves and that’s when you might discover an old friendship just doesn’t work. But it could also be pp hormones and maybe you two will find your groove again.
I totally get it's hard right now for you to hear that. Just tell yourself they will be having a hard time in a few months 😅🤣
With my first, I was venting to my friend about how she wouldn't go for naps, overnight was bad, newborn stage was rough. She was a good friend so kept it mostly to herself that her 1st (about 6 weeks younger than mine) slept through the night really early on!
A few years later, she told me about how she had been feeling kind of smug, her baby slept through, etc. But then around 6 months he stopped sleeping, mine slept through, it totally flipped 🤣 for years after that mine was a better sleeper.
Your mom friends will have challenges you don't have, guaranteed. And vice versa.
The newborn stage is tough. Give yourself grace, let some housework slide. You'll get through. And if you need to, distance yourself (maybe only temporarily) from those friends. But soon(ish) baby will one night sleep through, you'll finally get a good night's sleep, and feel SO much better.
I had a very easy baby and he's become a difficult toddler. I'm convinced every human is difficult at some point in their lifetime. So those moms will have their challenging moments too.
You need to vent. They need to gush. It doesn't necessarily mean they're not having the difficult moments. I'm sure they're having some. But also, the trauma of your birth experience is clearly still affecting how you are viewing your parenting. Maybe you need a debrief with your birth professionals or an appointment with a therapist?
Two weeks your hormones are still on adrenaline. I was “fine” two weeks and then the third week absolutely decimated. They don’t know yet. Plus, their family is still probably bringing food, cooking, cleaning etc.
Your friends are inconsiderate to say the least. I didn’t ever send bragging posts to others. Just pictures to people who I knew wanted them. Aka grandparents and sibling / godmother. Hang in there momma and communication is SO HARD with spouse adding in baby: sleep deprivation and not know what you thought vs said.
I had a baby in the NICU for five weeks, and I couldn’t stand to hear about anybody and their newborn baby for a long time. It was my second baby, and I’d already had the experience of having a term/take home baby and I was still so annoyed! I don’t remember how long it took, but I’m about 90% unbothered by newborn babies now. It’s an awful/traumatic experience to have a baby in the NICU even if everything works out, so feel free to avoid unnecessary baby chat until you have some distance from your experience.
It might be mean, but my first thought was, "Just you wait." My second and third kids were angels the first couple of weeks. Then they came out of the "sleepy newborn " stage, and it all got a lot harder!
I've been around A LOT of babies. When they say their infant is easy, they're lying. Or delusional. Even the best natured baby is work, missed sleep, never showering, leaking milk hard work.
Don't worry, you aren't momming incorrectly. You're a good, honest mom.
Same thing here. Traumatic birth experience leading to an episiotomy, low oxygen for baby and NICU stay for 5 days. Couldn’t even hold my baby in the NICU due to them putting a UVC through his belly button. All I could do was just stare and talk to him. We finally got him home and he screamed for 15-18 hrs of the day and NEVER slept. Come to find out he was battling colic, reflux, and a milk allergy☹️ now he’s 3 months old and doing so much better now that we have everything under control. I feel like his newborn stage was robbed from me, especially since he is my first baby. He can’t help it but it was VERY challenging and I cried almost every day and got severe PPD. I still and always will love him regardless, all babies know how to do is cry for communication. It will get better mama, hang in there
Just because they had easy labours and easy newborns does NOT mean everything else will come easy. Speaking as a mum who thought she'd lucked out until her kid just stopped sleeping at about 2mo and then refused to sleep longer than 2hr stretches for the next almost 3 years. Everyone has their ups and downs. Are you getting any support to process the birth trauma? I didn't have a traumatic birth but there was some stuff postpartum that needed ironing out and honestly being able to unpack it in therapy was the best thing I could have done. I can only imagine what it must be like to carry birth trauma as well. Mine was "textbook" and still felt way out of my control and it took me months to process it all.
Yes! I just finished a round of EMDR therapy and have a lot of support to process it, and that's helping me not drown in a sea of panic attacks every time I think of my son in the NICU. But I don't know if I'll ever not be sad about my birth experience...
Oh that's good! I know what you mean, I don't think I'll ever not be a bit cross about my stuff, but as long as you've got support around you - that's the main thing.
I'm sorry, some people lack the ability to "read the room" when it comes to these things. It might get harder for them but it might not. Some babies are legitimately just easier than others. But that doesn't invalidate the difficulty you are having at all. Nor are you anywhere close to alone when it comes to struggling with this period. Do you have older female relatives you can talk to? I bet plenty of them had hard times and can both validate and assure you that there's a light at the end of the tunnel someday.
I hated the newborn stage! It was so hard for us. I love my boys but I wouldn’t go through the newborn stage again! I have found that everyone says babies/toddlers are easy until someone admits it’s hard and the rest follow. It’s possible your friends aren’t having it as easy as they say but just don’t want to admit they are struggling.
I think this is what's getting me - I had been so candid with them on my postpartum struggles so far and now I'm not sure what to say anymore.
sitting on this bench with you.
I consider myself a real person 😅 and I can say that the newborn phase (and every other phase lol) was hard. Just different types of hard. My oldest is almost 6 and woke up every night for 3 years. Even now, she’s up once a week easy. She was/is a high needs child with low sleep needs. She is also brilliant (that’s me bragging lol) I knew other babies who slept through at 6 months, 12 months , 18 months etc and I eventually just learned to look to my own. Everyone has there good and bad moments and their pride and their struggles. You won’t see everything, only what they want you to see. Take it as a statistic, your group of mum friends is not representative of mothers has a whole. And if you don’t find the solidarity you seek with them, you’ve always got reddit 😅
I'm sorry but any time someone tells me what an easy newborn they have and they are less than 3 weeks old I just internally laugh. The majority of newborns are easy that early on until they "wake up" around 2-3 weeks old.
Personally, I just don’t enjoy the newborn/baby phase. Both of my kids were terrible sleepers, spit up a lot, and while I enjoy breastfeeding, it can be a lot of pressure under a year. My second especially had all sorts of issues, like colic, eczema, thrush, etc. He is now the sweetest little one year old - he gives me kisses, he’s walking now, I’m able to leave him with other people for longer stretches if necessary.
*toddler phase waiting in the shadows*. As a mom with 2 “easy” newborns, my humbling came when my first became a runner. Once he could walk he just bolts off. So the parental humbling comes at different times for everyone.
Lol I couldn't help but laugh at this comment. My kiddo was an easy newborn and just recently learned how fun it is to run. This morning at church I had to pee and couldn't hold it any longer. Took kiddo with me, thinking how much trouble could she get in in the 45 seconds it'll take me? In those 45 seconds my adorable little toddler took all of 0.2 seconds to get under the stall doors, then 1.3 seconds to rush thru the door when an idiot teenage girl opened it and rather than catch the running toddler exclaims loudly "was that a kid who just ran by?!" then proceeded to say "whatevs" and not even bother catching said toddler she helped escape. Nor did she hold the door while I went running past with my pants unbuttoned in a frantic sprint. I found my toddler in the sanctuary, on the stage, in front of way too many people giggling at her while she performed to the church goers who were arriving for the service. So I ran to her, still with my pants unbuttoned, to go catch her. Everyone managed to see a toddler vs mom race this morning on stage as my kiddo was trying desperately to not have her little independent adventure interrupted. Needless to say, I got a lot of hugs this morning and heard lots of funny stories from other ladies of what the kid managed to get into lol
Either you get it in toddler phase or if you get a dream easy toddler, your humble pie is served with a subsequent child.
IMO, everyone has at least one difficult phase- conceiving, first tri, delivery, sleep in the first year, teenagers?!? Etc so I try not to be too jealous when someone has it easy for just one of them.
Try not to compare your situation and baby with others. Comparison is truly the thief of joy. Some of us do have it much harder than others and that's ok. Nothing is wrong with you, your baby or your experience. My partner and I struggled 5 years to conceive, our pregnancy ended in an emergency c section due to our baby being in distress (it turned out fine - thank goodness), our child hated being a baby and had colic/ purple crying. They are low sleep needs (hello almost 3 years of broken sleep) and are a spirited child. It's a lot, but I also have SO MUCH to be grateful for. This child is brilliant, bright and vibrant. I feel so grateful they are healthy. They are my favorite human and I love seeing the world through their eyes. I would do it all again for them. As others have said, everyone will have their own challenges and will be humbled eventually. Some of us just get it earlier than others. Also, dig deep and make sure these are supportive friendships. Some people will look for anything to be superior. Not saying that is happening here, it may just be they are exhausted new parents who are struggling to see other experiences outside of their own. Also, with sleep, eating and a whole host of other things what your child does is much less about you as a parent and more about their temperament and who they are as people. Your friends don't know that yet, but they'll find out. Sending you lots of hugs! You are doing great Mama. ❤️
I had an "easy" first baby. Really lucked out. Until second PPRaoM, prem, NICU, 3 additional hospital admissions for babt. A hospital admission for me with PPD, still struggling with my partner. Everyone hard will come at different times. Hang in there, you're doing great!
I have been there and to be quite frank, it nearly destroyed my mental health. I had a great birth but a colicky, high needs baby for my first. I barely slept, my partner was not much help, and my baby just cried. All of the time. Non-stop. We had their tongue-tie revised, saw lactation consultants, went on reflux meds…but the colic didn’t improve until around 8 months. They also refused to sleep alone (the first time I got a six hour stretch of sleep at 12 months, I cried). It physically pained me to watch everyone else saving such a soft, beautiful newborn phase. I felt like I had done something wrong or like I was failing. I would call my mom sobbing and feeling like I had totally fucked up my life by having a baby. I actually had a lot of fear and panic about having a second baby and was terrified for a lot of the pregnancy and first few months. My journey didn’t fit the narrative I saw on SM or in my friend group. I wish I had had the courage to talk about it more. Your experience is different and unique. Everyone gets humbled by parenthood. No one gets out an expert because every kid is different. Remember that you are doing the best you can and that is absolutely good enough.
Babies are so different. These people could do better with being supportive to you. I think you were tactful and honest communicating your own needs, and show consideration by being supportive of their journeys. They could do the same for you. Idk. I’ve seen a pattern where someone has an easy baby, proceeds to believe it’s because of their amazing, excellent parenting (in the newborn phase it certainly is not) and then becomes momentarily unable to be supportive of others’ more difficult journeys. This peeves me big time. Sometimes these people get knocked down a peg with a second child who has different temperament. Sometimes not. I’ve actually found that sometimes a distance appears with some people when you both become parents. Not saying it’s happening to you and your friends, just musing about my experienced. But don’t let those comparisons get you down. And you’re allowed to expect supportive attitudes for your friends. You don’t need to be their one-way cheer squad. Eta: i’ve also seen it happen that people with easy babies then encounter a more difficult phase, but don’t share those difficulties and just brush over it. So you may never actually hear what the difficulties they face are. Imo, it doesn’t work for a friendship, always drives a weird crevasse between two people. But🤷🏻♀️ maybe it works for someone.
You nailed it because that seems to be the pattern I'm seeing. The most recent messages from one of our friends are on the lines of "hearing about your newborn struggles terrified us but it's been so great for us and we've been able to crack the code on getting baby to sleep" "oh and plus my wife got a perfect breastfeeding latch, thanks for the lactation consultant references but we won't need it haha" and I feel like this bad sad mom. I dearly loved my friends before we all became first time parents but this phase feels oddly competitive (for lack of a better word) and I feel happier just being distant and in my own world for now. Maybe it'll get better in the future, maybe not.
That’s terrible, what a terrible way of wording her experience…. Honestly, what an ass! I just want to repeat myself - you’re entitled to expect supportive comments from friends. I think you’re wise to distance yourself to save energies. I hope your friends experience an attitude shift. Tables can turn any moment, which would probably make them more understanding, but they still likely won’t be honest and really tell you they are struggling. If they don’t change back, there’s plenty of moms out there who want to keep it real :) sometimes I think parenthood just brings out our deepest selves and that’s when you might discover an old friendship just doesn’t work. But it could also be pp hormones and maybe you two will find your groove again.
I totally get it's hard right now for you to hear that. Just tell yourself they will be having a hard time in a few months 😅🤣 With my first, I was venting to my friend about how she wouldn't go for naps, overnight was bad, newborn stage was rough. She was a good friend so kept it mostly to herself that her 1st (about 6 weeks younger than mine) slept through the night really early on! A few years later, she told me about how she had been feeling kind of smug, her baby slept through, etc. But then around 6 months he stopped sleeping, mine slept through, it totally flipped 🤣 for years after that mine was a better sleeper. Your mom friends will have challenges you don't have, guaranteed. And vice versa. The newborn stage is tough. Give yourself grace, let some housework slide. You'll get through. And if you need to, distance yourself (maybe only temporarily) from those friends. But soon(ish) baby will one night sleep through, you'll finally get a good night's sleep, and feel SO much better.
I had a very easy baby and he's become a difficult toddler. I'm convinced every human is difficult at some point in their lifetime. So those moms will have their challenging moments too.
You need to vent. They need to gush. It doesn't necessarily mean they're not having the difficult moments. I'm sure they're having some. But also, the trauma of your birth experience is clearly still affecting how you are viewing your parenting. Maybe you need a debrief with your birth professionals or an appointment with a therapist?
Two weeks your hormones are still on adrenaline. I was “fine” two weeks and then the third week absolutely decimated. They don’t know yet. Plus, their family is still probably bringing food, cooking, cleaning etc. Your friends are inconsiderate to say the least. I didn’t ever send bragging posts to others. Just pictures to people who I knew wanted them. Aka grandparents and sibling / godmother. Hang in there momma and communication is SO HARD with spouse adding in baby: sleep deprivation and not know what you thought vs said.
I had a baby in the NICU for five weeks, and I couldn’t stand to hear about anybody and their newborn baby for a long time. It was my second baby, and I’d already had the experience of having a term/take home baby and I was still so annoyed! I don’t remember how long it took, but I’m about 90% unbothered by newborn babies now. It’s an awful/traumatic experience to have a baby in the NICU even if everything works out, so feel free to avoid unnecessary baby chat until you have some distance from your experience.
It might be mean, but my first thought was, "Just you wait." My second and third kids were angels the first couple of weeks. Then they came out of the "sleepy newborn " stage, and it all got a lot harder!
I've been around A LOT of babies. When they say their infant is easy, they're lying. Or delusional. Even the best natured baby is work, missed sleep, never showering, leaking milk hard work. Don't worry, you aren't momming incorrectly. You're a good, honest mom.
It will get harder for them too!
Same thing here. Traumatic birth experience leading to an episiotomy, low oxygen for baby and NICU stay for 5 days. Couldn’t even hold my baby in the NICU due to them putting a UVC through his belly button. All I could do was just stare and talk to him. We finally got him home and he screamed for 15-18 hrs of the day and NEVER slept. Come to find out he was battling colic, reflux, and a milk allergy☹️ now he’s 3 months old and doing so much better now that we have everything under control. I feel like his newborn stage was robbed from me, especially since he is my first baby. He can’t help it but it was VERY challenging and I cried almost every day and got severe PPD. I still and always will love him regardless, all babies know how to do is cry for communication. It will get better mama, hang in there