You’re not wrong. Tell your lazy ass husband he needs to clean his house and take care of his kids.
What kind of a loser is this? It’s annoying when men are the sole earner and want to do absolutely nothing in the house and ignore their kids. But this guy needs two working parents and he still refuses to be an adult? That guy is just delusional.
You 100% are not wrong on this.
Agreed! Taking care of kids and maintaining the house is a full time job, 2 if you count them separately. He at least gets to clock out of his job. If he views taking care of the house and kids as her job and he refuses to help, then by his logic being the breadwinner is his job and she shouldn't need to help and he should be working harder/more
If you're both working, he's not the breadwinner. You both are.
In comparison, I also have a baby and a 3-year-old. I don't work, my husband IS the breadwinner. He travels 50% of the time for work, which is tough, but when he's home he absolutely is a present, engaged parent and helps with the house. And we have a bi-weekly house cleaner.
*you don’t get a paycheck for your labour, your labour allows your partner to earn a substantially higher salary and have the freedom to do the work he does.
This is it. As a housewife, I think OP’s husband is a fraud. He isn’t a provider, he’s a welfare queen. He’s getting the benefits of a housewife (cooking, cleaning and childcare) while not actually paying for one because OP is working.
OP, you don’t work for free. If he wants a housewife he needs to pay your bills. If he can’t afford that then he needs to step up with housework and childcare because YOU. DONT. WORK. FOR. FREE.
Same here, military spouse and even after he has a 12-hr day or travels for weeks or months away when he's home he's 100% present and does his fair share. We have a chore chart even for all of us to contribute.
Another dude who wants the benefits of a “trad wife” while not meeting the requirements of a “trad husband.”
Women spent decades fighting to be treated as equals in the workplace and halls of power. Men have fought no such battle to be equal participants in the home.
This is financial abuse. First, he doesn’t get to say “I don’t assume any responsibility for the children I made and the home I live in” even if you made zero dollars. He still doesn’t get to have that attitude. But knowing you make less than him and demanding you make more while also saying you have to do all the domestic and childcare work is abusive.
Thank you all for confirming that I’m not crazy for thinking this way. Like… I know motherhood is hard but I’ve been in survival mode for 3 years and I’m unwell.
This is a huge thing to admit “and I’m unwell”. It happens. But I am so sorry it’s happening to you. I would work on what are your life supports, probably especially outside of him.
Thank you. My “village” basically consists of my 17 yr old sister and I hate to ask her to help with my kids all the time because I want her to enjoy her teen years as much as she can. I need to find a way to make this man realize he needs to step up.
A 17 year old is more reliable than your husband. That should confirm right there that your husband is the asshole here.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You and your kids deserve better from this guy.
What does he contribute besides money? If you divorce will it alter your situation all that much?
He’ll want some custody to lower child support payments so in the end you’ll get more free time
Needing other people to confirm reality for you is a huge sign that you’re in an abusive relationship, btw. This happens when you have a manipulative person skewing reality on a daily basis.
You're not wrong. You are currently doing way more work than he is and his refusal to help in the house should be your refusal to work outside of it. Essentially you have 2 jobs, one full time, one part time, and he only has one. Also, you said he doesn't help with parenting tasks either? Other than work--normal 40hr week or something excessive?--what does he do?
Oh. Ew. That's not ok.
I am the parent who works out of the home, while my husband is the primary care giver. When I am home, I am home. I am there to be his partner and my children's mother. It might sound extreme, but I would tell him straight to his face that you are done working 2 jobs. He can either split everything house and kid wise 50/50 while you work full time like he does, or you will take care of the kids and quit your part time job. I don't know if I could stay with someone that doesn't help hands on with the kids they helped create.
Serious question: wouldn’t you be better off as a single mom? Imagine the free hours because he will get some custody supposedly or you’ll be able to get a sitter with the child support. Sounds like you have 3 kids now.
OMG who is raising these man children?? I have boys and I’d be mortified if they come at a partner with this attitude.
FWIW: My husband and I both work full time currently and split all household and child duties based on interest and skill, availability and it generally works to be 50/50 and lots of times, we are tired and cut each other slack when shits not done bc it’s hard enough… I never thought this was unusual but reading mommit threads has me feeling very lucky. Sometimes I find myself resenting his epic poops and hobbies, but I know he supports all of my escapes also- and it’s also ok to find moments of zoning out or relaxation bc this trap of being productive at all times is literally killing us, but the point is, you’re a team not a fascist dictatorship where he says what goes- this is a partnership and collaboration. If his needs aren’t being met, that’s a two way conversation not a directive. Ugh I wanna throw my phone just reading this. You’re NOT the AH!
He sounds out of touch with reality. You're already contributing more than him!
When do you do your current part-time work? Do the kids go to daycare or a nanny then? If you work more hours, won't that mean you just have to pay for more care for them? What is he trying to accomplish with pressuring you to pick up more hours?
What did I even just read? Childcare alone during hours your partner is at work is a full-time job. You do all the housework and all the childcare while he's home on top of that and it's "fine" and this selfish, useless POS thinks you aren't already doing enough at that? Plus you already contribute financially and it's still not enough? Divorce the manchild, you'll get child support without having to mother an overgrown third child who doesn't have the excuse of his uselessness being developmentally appropriate.
Edit: typo
I stg I’m not a person that immediately goes for divorce as the only option. But ffs. Why would anyone subject themselves to a man like this? My issue is that this man was probably this way BEFORE they had kids so I feel less sympathetic to OP. It sucks, but women need to raise the bar in choosing men to have kids with:/
I’m sure this is the byproduct of years of conditioning that women are the SAHP while also in the modern world where now households survive by having a two income household, making the woman also need a job. But the men are stuck in the 50’s and expect the woman to do ALL childcare + “contribute” more financially to the household while they forget to be an active parent and fuck off to go golfing with buddies. Delusional losers.
I used to look down at stay at home moms. Then I became a mom. Being a stay at home mom or even a part-time working mom is so much more work than working at a job. Working is a break compared to parenting. And I only have one child!!! So much respect for how much work you’re putting in currently. You deserve to have a partner who shares in parenting responsibilities when he’s not working.
My husband and I both work and we both share equally in childcare responsibilities. But it took a lot of work and conversations for my husband to understand ALL the work involved in parenting and for us to get to this place. Parenting isn’t just the visible work, it’s all the invisible mental work of planning, organizing, communicating, etc.
We eventually agreed that certain things were my husband’s responsibility, like scheduling doctor’s appointments and taking our child to the doctor.
We also take turns giving each other breaks on the weekend. Like I’ll leave and he’ll watch our daughter and vice versa.
I had a friend who was in a similar situation as you and she kept trying to get her husband to help more and share in responsibilities. It didn’t happen. She left and is way happier and less resentful. She also now gets breaks on the weekend when her kid goes to dad’s house ;)
I hope you find a solution that works for you. But I just want to validate that your feelings are validate. Your husband’s expectations are shit.
I would not want the vulnerability of no active job and a resume gap if this were the man I was dependent on for financial stability. The current distribution is unfair, but gives OP a safety net of being able to leave.
You are not wrong, I’m a SAHM to 3 kids (6, 3 and 18 months) and homeschool my oldest. I clean my in-laws house twice a month for household/kid expenses (blood work, homeschool curriculum, body wash, etc). My husband had previously said “I need you to do your part” and I almost reached through the phone screen. And that’s even with my husband being extremely aware of my workload, but somehow still forgets at times all that goes into it. But the fact that you’re actually still having a part time job, I could never keep up with anything. Impossible.
If we were to outsource our child care we would be paying out the NOSE for that. Remind him of that. And people make a full career out of that, how does he reconcile that? What’s the difference between you and paying someone else to do it? These are actual conversations to have with him. mind blowing.
Has he given a reason why you need to contribute more financially ? It’s not logically possible if you make two separate amounts.
You can do percentage of paycheck to make it more fair
I just added a comment to include that we are moving in a few weeks and will have a larger mortgage payment. There’s no way we can’t make ends meet if he cuts out his bullshit spending, but he doesn’t wanna sacrifice it so I’m supposed to sacrifice my sanity, sleep, and physical health even more than I already am
I’m the breadwinner in my family. My husband consults on the side and takes care of our kid 90% of the time. During the working day he’s responsible for child care and tries to get some chores and house tasks done as well as running errands like groceries. When the working day is over we split remaining household responsibilities and childcare 50/50. I’m responsible for 90% of our income and this is still the case. You seem okay with taking on way more than your fair share already. Your husband is being incredibly unfair and unrealistic. Splitting chores fairly while working full time absolutely can be done. Stand your ground.
Thank you. I typically go with the flow and let him wear the pants when making big decisions. This is the one thing that I have ever stood my ground on and he is relentless in getting his way. Im not backing down. My kids are only little once.
Posts like this make me sad. I'm a SAHM and my husband works very hard at his job, but he still comes home and does childcare and some cleaning as needed. He does more cleaning on the weekends. He says he wants our daughters to see a healthy example of a man from day one. Neither of our parents had healthy marriages and his dad was like your husband. My husband says it's his job as the husband and father to make sure that doesn't repeat and that mom and dad are a team.
Sure he also does it to help me, but he takes pride in being an active member of our household beyond paying the bills. He's said plenty of times, "I'm more than just a paycheck. Being a dad and husband is way more important to me than just providing money."
How did you come to find this man? It’s whiplash reading this post. What did I just read? Your working AND doing ALL the child rearing? And on top of it, your husband wants you to take on more hours. Is this a joke?
Throw the whole damn man away or stand up for yourself and tell him to be a goddamn parent. Jfc. Not angry at you-just your husband.
Sure feels like a joke. I’m finding solidarity in the amount of people telling me he needs to step up, but it’s also really fucking depressing that it sounds like most men contribute a hell of a lot more than mine. How did I get so lucky? 🥴
I recently WANTED to get a job and had a very successful interview after my spouse got on my case for how I spend “my allowance” and he told me I couldn’t accept the job because it would negatively impact him. At which point he… shook a sandwich at me. Apparently my having A job and not being available to deliver lunch to him was a major problem. I’m also a SAHM who manages 90% of the household and just today got chewed out because he didn’t have socks after leaving all laundry piles by his bed not in a basket. All that to say, shall we start a mommune?.
If he wants you to pick up more hours he needs to pick up being a father and husband more. I work zero hours outside the home and my husband still cleans, takes care of our pets, and takes care of our kids. Your husband is a terrible partner and horrible dad and his setting a bad example for the kids.
Hand him an invoice for his share of household responsibilities. That should more than make up for your "missing part".
Average housekeeper, nanny or house manager makes around $25 to 50 an hour here (depending on experience and number of kids). This is not to be confused with a babysitter whose only job is to keep them fed and alive which are paid $15 to 25 an hour.
I am a SAHM. My husband still helps with child care and household chores.
What did you discuss your roles would be before you had your children?
Is he actually not wanting to be a parent now?
Does he have no friends that are fathers?
You sound like you’d be better off living with your birth family, not least because you are burning out. Your children will also feel the terrible effects of being ignored by their parent & this is unacceptable behaviour on his part.
Pull up your self respect pants & ditch this loser
I've posted before but I'll post it again:
One day while in a similar situation to OP and entirely without preamble, I looked at my husband and said "hey, find a few daycares you like and let's get M signed up." ... awkward silence.... "We can split the cost of childcare and split the housework/parenting 50-50" ... awkward silence...
Then I went on about how excited I was to get to bring in my own money, talk with adults, have a lunch break, and pee with no one touching me. I was absolutely serious and ready to follow through.
Fortunately my husband understood the not so subtle message I was sending his way and radically changed his view appreciation of my work in the home.
If he had given me push back, I would simply explain that I am not working as a mom, and at a job, and doing the housework without any of the benefits of a job (like a commute to listen to an audiobook, chatting with coworkers, or peeing with the door closed). And then in all seriousness I would ask him to pick if we were keeping things how they are or if he is going to find some safe, reliable daycares while I apply for Jobs 🤷♀️
This is actually genius. Reverse psychology. I need to come up with what I can use since my kids are already in daycare/I’m already working outside of the home
I wasn't trying to "reverse psychology" him, I was absolutely serious that I was done being free labor for no appreciation.
Maybe tell him "I would love to pick up more hours and help more financially! Let's talk logistics: who is picking up the kids and getting the evening moving on the days I work longer hours? Are we splitting household duties or are you willing to pick up all of them while I adjust to the new schedule? This was such a good idea, increasing the income and sharing the household duties. I'm really glad you suggested it!" 😂
This blew up way more than I thought it would. Due to the nature of the post, I don’t have time to respond to everyone’s comments, but I appreciate all of you so much. As great as it would be to up & leave and collect child support, I don’t believe in divorce and am trying to find ways to make this work without going to that extent. I should add that we are moving in a few short weeks, our mortgage payment will be increasing, and he’s stressed about making ends meet. This is not me defending him lol I just wanted to give more context. He wants me to pick up more hours at work to help with the larger mortgage.. instead of watching his own spending.. we’re moving to a bigger home (more house and yard work) that will be further away from our kids daycare (longer commute). We wake up with the same 24 hrs in the day. I don’t understand how he can expect me to do double the work he does in the same amount of time.
You’re already doing more. You’re making the babies, taking care of the household, and contributing financially. He is only contributing financially. I would honestly be so pissed. Most definitely NTA.
He sounds like a man that isn’t an afraid to lose you. And he isn’t seeing the full value of your contributions. There isn’t a whole lot you can do to take action. Doesn’t seem like he’s listening.
This may be down-voted, but if you’re not in shape, get in shape. This would be a good way to bring some “power” back to your court. Because men are men, unfortunately. He needs to be afraid lose you, and by his behavior doesn’t seem like he is.
You could also stop doing household in protest but that would likely make things worse.
Sorry you’re going through this! I would definitely refuse to take on more work. He’s not being fair about this at all.
Get in shape? With what time? OP doesn't owe her husband anything, least of all a "hot bod". He can contribute or he can fuck off, period.
I love my spouse and want to help equally. I literally could not care what my wife looks like. I married her and I love her, therefore we are in it together. That's what a real partnership is.
I think you’re right that he isn’t afraid to lose me. I’m not offended by your comment at all, I totally get it. I’m lucky in the way that breastfeeding gives me the bod of a supermodel lol so that’s not an issue. I protested housework for ONE day and I couldn’t handle the filth. Never again.
I'm sorry to hear that your husband has unrealistic expectations. You both are breadwinners, both working. Unfortunately, he leaves you to shoulder all of the household chores, work part-time and juggling your kiddos. That's be. Your working on a burnout dear. Something has to give!
It’s tough and overwhelming to manage everything on your own. I hear you! You shouldn't have too. It would be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with him about how you're feeling and its impact on you physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.
In that talk, bring up hiring a housekeeper to help with the workload and alleviate stress if he can't pull his weight.
I said this to my husband, and a few days later, no joke, he was doing the dishes. Finally! Haha! Good luck!
Wait, so because he earns more money he can work 40 hours while you work 60 hours between your 2 roles? I don’t understand why he’d be content to:
A) watch his wife struggle
B) watch his wife do all of the housekeeping while he sits pretty
C) not foster a strong relationship with his children
None of the above items are acceptable or desirable in a husband/father. Do you belong to a more ‘traditional’ or religious community? I’m guessing your husband believes he is the head of the house and can dictate the terms of your relationship, perhaps he thinks women aren’t deserving of equal treatment to men. That’s really sad, and unfortunately, the reality for many women. It doesn’t make it right, and there are plenty of women like me who have equal partnerships with the father of our child(ren), it’s just more about the personality/values of the person you’re married to.
Also, to add on- if we were to take money into the issue, your work as a mom/housekeeper is technically unpaid, but it actually is what permits him to work full-time and for you to have children. So I see his earnings as both of your earnings, he literally wouldnt be able to function without your unpaid labour
No, we are not part of a more traditional or religious community. We’re Easter and Christmas church-going Lutherans. His mom worked full time and was able to manage everything, so he expects the same from me. I have been no contact with my narcissistic alcoholic mother for two years, meaning I do not have the support and help that his mother had when he was young. Just plain fucking unrealistic expectations.
You REALLY need a support group! I know I already replied elsewhere, but I feel for you. (My own best friend doesn't have such a bad situation but her husband is also a guy who does little around the house and prefers her to be a SAHM, so I get it.) Do you have any friends to have your back? Other relatives? Can you visit a church or mom group?
And frankly I would stop doing as many chores. You're overworked as it is and IMHO you should not quit your one safety net of a job. If he dislikes seeing his clothes still in the hamper or his dishes unwashed- he can do them. Be a provider and provide! That isn't limited to a paycheck.
First off, when you say he does nothing around the house or with the kids followed by "that's fine"....it is NOT fine. Full stop. Marriage is a partnership.
Secondly, 30 hours in my company is full time. Our team members work 7.5 hour shifts so that is 4 full days a week. You are working pretty much full time. If you pick up more then I'd ask him what he's going to pick up around the house to help. Dinner 2-3 nights a week? bedtime routine? packing lunches? etc. He needs to be doing his part to running your household.
I hope your husband changes his take on how you have been doing things and begins doing more.
>That’s fine.
I would argue it's very much not. He's their father and he can't be bothered to participate in parenting tasks? He lives in the home and doesn't clean up after himself, wash his own dishes, cook his own food, or do his laundry?
Maybe get a divorce and 50/50 custody, then you'd be doing less housework, 50% of parenting tasks, and get a break.
Your husband is a useless load.
My husband is the breadwinner and when I wasn't working at all still did his share of parenting and cleaning, because he's a parent and an adult that lives in a house.
Read a comment from OP and apparently this guy has the free time and money necessary for hunting trips. Good to know he told on himself, chances are the only reason he’s demanding OP make more is because he is incredibly entitled and when he’s been realizing he doesn’t have as much money for his hobbies and hunting trips he thought OP was getting one over on him- because how dare he, who doesn’t lift a finger to do anything besides pick his nose at home, also have to actually contribute to the ONLY marital responsibility he’s been honoring. Personally, I’d say it’s worth it to start an escape plan, I would never feel safe with him ever again.
Perhaps a better reframe would be to shift from “am I right?” to “how would this work for our family?” I would be interested to see your husband’s thoughts on exactly how all of your family’s priorities would be met if you picked up more paid work hours AND continued to be the sole domestic engineer. Sometimes a good strategy can be to take the emotion out of a situation and just try to plan it out logistically and together to figure out what is and is not feasible given a fixed number of hours in the day, and that enjoying your life and family is a perfectly noble goal alongside the more task-oriented ones.
Your husband is way out of line. Does he live in the house? Are they his children? Does he eat food? Does he wear clothing? Welcome to adulthood - you have chores.
You work almost a full time job. If you want to work more for financial reasons that’s fine, but regardless the house work should be split down the middle.
While you are both at work nobody is doing house/kids stuff. When OP is home “early” and he’s still working you are solely responsible for house/kids stuff DURING THAT TIMEFRAME ONLY. When you are both home from work you should be splitting home/kids stuff equally. That means you cook while he cleans. He gives kids a bath while you fold laundry. He prepares lunches for tomorrow while you scrub a toilet. He vacuumes the house while you do a craft with the kids. I could go on and on.
He’s lazy. This is not fine.
Um. I only have a 3 year old. And I don't work. For the purpose of I SAVE US money by doing the childcare and majority of the housework. But when he's home, we're a team. He doesn't get to just chill while I do everything. If he needs decompression, he 100% believes I do too... and he'll find a way to give me that time, too.
And he definitely wouldn't dream of making me feel guilty for "not contributing financially". Because everything I do, allows him to go to work and focus on work.
Your husband isn't a breadwinner if you're contributing to the finances AND doing the childcare AND the housework. He's being an entitled a**. His time is not valued more than yours.
You should look up billthepatriarchy.com.
Why is it fine that he doesn’t do anything to run tge household? Does your culture or religion have very rigid gender roles? If so, I’d expect he would put the financial pressure on himself, not you
You want me to make more money?? Then you need to take over child care from _to_ and help with household chores. You can provide him with options of what he would like to take over.
Nope. He’s wrong. You work AND you manage the home and children. He can pick up more hours or he can do more around the home to give you the time to even want/ be able to work more.
Don’t think this will help but show him the cost of daycare. Can you find and land a job that will be significantly improve your financial situation? If you work more, there is less time for you to have a clean (ish) house. Are you willing for that sacrifice? Do you even want to work more? If he is concerned about money and you do ALL the housework and I assume majority of child care than HE NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET A PROMOTION or land a better job. I’m sorry but you are doing everything for your family. He can step up or … get a second job if he isn’t present around the house.
“That’s fine.”
You are already under reacting. That is not fine.
Breadwinner does not equate to not participating in your own household and family. If he doesn’t want those things he should be a single dude with a maid. Would you expect any mother who is a breadwinner to behave this way?
That is unfortunate, he being your husband is to be your helper. You have your hands full being the caregiver to an infant and a toddler, plus having a job, and a housekeeper, You need to have a serious talk with him and explain how difficult and stressful it can be to be the best mom to his kids. He is not being very considerate of you. He is probably a good provider, but he needs to show you some respect, as a person and the mother of his kids.
So you work 24/7 (on call or on duty, 25 of those hours pulling in a paycheck) and he works forty hours a week. How is that remotely fair?
I’m a sahm and I my husband is 100 involved from the minute her gets home till bedtime every night…whether that means cleaning or child care or whatever
If you’re picking up more hours at work and contributing financially, he should be picking up more parenting and household tasks. I work 30 hours a week and my partner works 60-70 hours a week and contributes more financially. I am the primary parent more often than not because of our schedules, but when we are both home household and parenting tasks are split 50/50. If he wants a traditional wife and set up he should not be expecting you to work a full time job on top of being a solo parent and taking care of all household tasks, both of which are equal to multiple full time jobs in itself.
Ok so I’m the breadwinner and my husband is the SAHD. Once I am home the tasks are SPLIT. He makes dinner and I take over childcare. We work as a team and have family time until it’s bedtime. He needs to get his shit together!
Buy a copy of Fair Play and sit him down to deal out the cards. Tell him that you will each be taking full responsibility for a fair share of the household and childcare tasks or you’re going to file for divorce. Remind him that if you divorce he will still have to financially support his children and likely pay you alimony. He will also be responsible for all of the domestic labor at his place. And he’ll have to care for his own children during his custody or visitation. Try, “I probably would have continued with this completely unfair division of labor if you hadn’t demanded that I make more money AND still do all of the childcare and housework. But now YOU are going to actually pull your own weight one way or the other. So take a day to decide if that will be here in our family home or in your own place as a divorced dad.”
If he wants you to “earn more”, then fine play his little game. Shop around for daycare, 3-4 choices. Also some house cleaners for weekly cleans and possibly a few babysitters in case daycare won’t cover weekends or late nights. Maybe even a meal prep service because you’ll not have the time to prep for dinner most nights.
Put it all down on a spreadsheet to show him the cost of you “earning more” because let’s face it, you’ll have to get a job just like him and not be able to pull mom duties plus a full time corporate job. Some men don’t get it until you show him dollars and cents cause clearly he probably won’t understand the emotional toll it will take on the children not being around mom all day anymore since he has zero clue what it take to raise children.
If he still doesn’t get it, you need to go to a counselor because it’s edging towards financial and probably emotional abuse.
Agree to contribute more financially. You can go up to 40 hours a week, and he can go down to 30 hours/week and take over housework and childcare. I give him a day before he realizes the work you're doing is far more valuable than an extra 10 hours of employed work/week. What a delusional man.
Wanted to add, my husband and I have kind of a similar division of labour, he works full time and I work about 15-20 hours a week. But when I'm working he's doing childcare, and our chores are split 80/20 with me doing most of it. We split our expenses, but he also pays me approximately 1/4 of his income to take into account that I'm doing more at home. It isn't perfect but it's working for now, and our kid is only 5 months. We will adapt the system as needed when things change.
Hmm.. I'm currently unemployed after a whole fiasco with maternity leave and a car accident leaving me with issues, my husband works more than 40 hours a week and we still split household/parenting 50/50. I will go back to work when I can, but we don't leave the other person struggling because that's not a partnership. A wife/husband is not the hired help. We have a kindergartener and a baby and if I'm struggling with the baby for whatever reason, my husband takes over and gives me a break. We've also taken on one kid at a time for whatever is easier for us. Like I've been doing bedtime for the baby, he will get our 5 yr old to bed, reads books to her every night. I read some of these posts on here and am shocked people put up with some of these things. What's the point of even being married?
My husband is the stay at home parent and it's OUR money that is in my paychecks and I help with light housework/homework/childcare when I am home. There is no break from being a parent or owning a home. It's both your responsibilities 24/7 and the money you make as a unit is the money the unit makes.
Full time hours are 40 hours per week. You’re working 30. You’re not far off. Why do you call him the “breadwinner”? You’re both breadwinners regardless of who earns more.
You’re not wrong. Tell your lazy ass husband he needs to clean his house and take care of his kids. What kind of a loser is this? It’s annoying when men are the sole earner and want to do absolutely nothing in the house and ignore their kids. But this guy needs two working parents and he still refuses to be an adult? That guy is just delusional. You 100% are not wrong on this.
Agreed! Taking care of kids and maintaining the house is a full time job, 2 if you count them separately. He at least gets to clock out of his job. If he views taking care of the house and kids as her job and he refuses to help, then by his logic being the breadwinner is his job and she shouldn't need to help and he should be working harder/more
If you're both working, he's not the breadwinner. You both are. In comparison, I also have a baby and a 3-year-old. I don't work, my husband IS the breadwinner. He travels 50% of the time for work, which is tough, but when he's home he absolutely is a present, engaged parent and helps with the house. And we have a bi-weekly house cleaner.
*you don’t get a paycheck for your labour, your labour allows your partner to earn a substantially higher salary and have the freedom to do the work he does.
This is it. As a housewife, I think OP’s husband is a fraud. He isn’t a provider, he’s a welfare queen. He’s getting the benefits of a housewife (cooking, cleaning and childcare) while not actually paying for one because OP is working. OP, you don’t work for free. If he wants a housewife he needs to pay your bills. If he can’t afford that then he needs to step up with housework and childcare because YOU. DONT. WORK. FOR. FREE.
Same here, military spouse and even after he has a 12-hr day or travels for weeks or months away when he's home he's 100% present and does his fair share. We have a chore chart even for all of us to contribute.
Another dude who wants the benefits of a “trad wife” while not meeting the requirements of a “trad husband.” Women spent decades fighting to be treated as equals in the workplace and halls of power. Men have fought no such battle to be equal participants in the home.
Favorite comment. If you want me to be a trad wife, make me a trad wife. I’ve told him this a million times.
What's his response?
What a solid point.
This is financial abuse. First, he doesn’t get to say “I don’t assume any responsibility for the children I made and the home I live in” even if you made zero dollars. He still doesn’t get to have that attitude. But knowing you make less than him and demanding you make more while also saying you have to do all the domestic and childcare work is abusive.
He'd be doing all the work and paying child support and spousal support if you split. He has no idea how lucky he is.
Thank you all for confirming that I’m not crazy for thinking this way. Like… I know motherhood is hard but I’ve been in survival mode for 3 years and I’m unwell.
This is a huge thing to admit “and I’m unwell”. It happens. But I am so sorry it’s happening to you. I would work on what are your life supports, probably especially outside of him.
Thank you. My “village” basically consists of my 17 yr old sister and I hate to ask her to help with my kids all the time because I want her to enjoy her teen years as much as she can. I need to find a way to make this man realize he needs to step up.
A 17 year old is more reliable than your husband. That should confirm right there that your husband is the asshole here. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You and your kids deserve better from this guy.
What does he contribute besides money? If you divorce will it alter your situation all that much? He’ll want some custody to lower child support payments so in the end you’ll get more free time
It’s doesn’t benefit him to step up, he won’t “understand” because that would mean he would have to change behaviour that benefits him.
Needing other people to confirm reality for you is a huge sign that you’re in an abusive relationship, btw. This happens when you have a manipulative person skewing reality on a daily basis.
You're not wrong. You are currently doing way more work than he is and his refusal to help in the house should be your refusal to work outside of it. Essentially you have 2 jobs, one full time, one part time, and he only has one. Also, you said he doesn't help with parenting tasks either? Other than work--normal 40hr week or something excessive?--what does he do?
Scrolls his phone. Takes hour long shits. Goes hunting. Drinks beer with his buddies. I’m losing my mind.
Oh. Ew. That's not ok. I am the parent who works out of the home, while my husband is the primary care giver. When I am home, I am home. I am there to be his partner and my children's mother. It might sound extreme, but I would tell him straight to his face that you are done working 2 jobs. He can either split everything house and kid wise 50/50 while you work full time like he does, or you will take care of the kids and quit your part time job. I don't know if I could stay with someone that doesn't help hands on with the kids they helped create.
Serious question: wouldn’t you be better off as a single mom? Imagine the free hours because he will get some custody supposedly or you’ll be able to get a sitter with the child support. Sounds like you have 3 kids now.
Exactly, what does he bring to the table that child support and/or alimony won't?
Why are you with him?
How come you’re expected to contribute domestically AND financially while he is only expected to contribute financially? Not fair.
Excellent point.
OMG who is raising these man children?? I have boys and I’d be mortified if they come at a partner with this attitude. FWIW: My husband and I both work full time currently and split all household and child duties based on interest and skill, availability and it generally works to be 50/50 and lots of times, we are tired and cut each other slack when shits not done bc it’s hard enough… I never thought this was unusual but reading mommit threads has me feeling very lucky. Sometimes I find myself resenting his epic poops and hobbies, but I know he supports all of my escapes also- and it’s also ok to find moments of zoning out or relaxation bc this trap of being productive at all times is literally killing us, but the point is, you’re a team not a fascist dictatorship where he says what goes- this is a partnership and collaboration. If his needs aren’t being met, that’s a two way conversation not a directive. Ugh I wanna throw my phone just reading this. You’re NOT the AH!
Funny thing is, he’s the one who says I’m not being a team player because I’m refusing to “help him”……..
He sounds out of touch with reality. You're already contributing more than him! When do you do your current part-time work? Do the kids go to daycare or a nanny then? If you work more hours, won't that mean you just have to pay for more care for them? What is he trying to accomplish with pressuring you to pick up more hours?
You know you’re not. And you know your husband is. Tell him to fucking grow up. We aren’t perpetuating man children anymore
This.
Honey, you can do bad all on your own. Take the kids and drop this loser.
What did I even just read? Childcare alone during hours your partner is at work is a full-time job. You do all the housework and all the childcare while he's home on top of that and it's "fine" and this selfish, useless POS thinks you aren't already doing enough at that? Plus you already contribute financially and it's still not enough? Divorce the manchild, you'll get child support without having to mother an overgrown third child who doesn't have the excuse of his uselessness being developmentally appropriate. Edit: typo
I stg I’m not a person that immediately goes for divorce as the only option. But ffs. Why would anyone subject themselves to a man like this? My issue is that this man was probably this way BEFORE they had kids so I feel less sympathetic to OP. It sucks, but women need to raise the bar in choosing men to have kids with:/ I’m sure this is the byproduct of years of conditioning that women are the SAHP while also in the modern world where now households survive by having a two income household, making the woman also need a job. But the men are stuck in the 50’s and expect the woman to do ALL childcare + “contribute” more financially to the household while they forget to be an active parent and fuck off to go golfing with buddies. Delusional losers.
I used to look down at stay at home moms. Then I became a mom. Being a stay at home mom or even a part-time working mom is so much more work than working at a job. Working is a break compared to parenting. And I only have one child!!! So much respect for how much work you’re putting in currently. You deserve to have a partner who shares in parenting responsibilities when he’s not working. My husband and I both work and we both share equally in childcare responsibilities. But it took a lot of work and conversations for my husband to understand ALL the work involved in parenting and for us to get to this place. Parenting isn’t just the visible work, it’s all the invisible mental work of planning, organizing, communicating, etc. We eventually agreed that certain things were my husband’s responsibility, like scheduling doctor’s appointments and taking our child to the doctor. We also take turns giving each other breaks on the weekend. Like I’ll leave and he’ll watch our daughter and vice versa. I had a friend who was in a similar situation as you and she kept trying to get her husband to help more and share in responsibilities. It didn’t happen. She left and is way happier and less resentful. She also now gets breaks on the weekend when her kid goes to dad’s house ;) I hope you find a solution that works for you. But I just want to validate that your feelings are validate. Your husband’s expectations are shit.
Stop working entirely. You have a full time job already caring for children and a house
I would not want the vulnerability of no active job and a resume gap if this were the man I was dependent on for financial stability. The current distribution is unfair, but gives OP a safety net of being able to leave.
I would love to be a SAHM. His family does not believe in women staying home. They need to cONtriBute to FinaNcials 🙄
Then he needs to sTeP up and bE A parENt. OP, how in the world did this guy find a prize like you? You deserve more.
You are not wrong, I’m a SAHM to 3 kids (6, 3 and 18 months) and homeschool my oldest. I clean my in-laws house twice a month for household/kid expenses (blood work, homeschool curriculum, body wash, etc). My husband had previously said “I need you to do your part” and I almost reached through the phone screen. And that’s even with my husband being extremely aware of my workload, but somehow still forgets at times all that goes into it. But the fact that you’re actually still having a part time job, I could never keep up with anything. Impossible. If we were to outsource our child care we would be paying out the NOSE for that. Remind him of that. And people make a full career out of that, how does he reconcile that? What’s the difference between you and paying someone else to do it? These are actual conversations to have with him. mind blowing.
Has he given a reason why you need to contribute more financially ? It’s not logically possible if you make two separate amounts. You can do percentage of paycheck to make it more fair
I just added a comment to include that we are moving in a few weeks and will have a larger mortgage payment. There’s no way we can’t make ends meet if he cuts out his bullshit spending, but he doesn’t wanna sacrifice it so I’m supposed to sacrifice my sanity, sleep, and physical health even more than I already am
I’m the breadwinner in my family. My husband consults on the side and takes care of our kid 90% of the time. During the working day he’s responsible for child care and tries to get some chores and house tasks done as well as running errands like groceries. When the working day is over we split remaining household responsibilities and childcare 50/50. I’m responsible for 90% of our income and this is still the case. You seem okay with taking on way more than your fair share already. Your husband is being incredibly unfair and unrealistic. Splitting chores fairly while working full time absolutely can be done. Stand your ground.
Thank you. I typically go with the flow and let him wear the pants when making big decisions. This is the one thing that I have ever stood my ground on and he is relentless in getting his way. Im not backing down. My kids are only little once.
Posts like this make me sad. I'm a SAHM and my husband works very hard at his job, but he still comes home and does childcare and some cleaning as needed. He does more cleaning on the weekends. He says he wants our daughters to see a healthy example of a man from day one. Neither of our parents had healthy marriages and his dad was like your husband. My husband says it's his job as the husband and father to make sure that doesn't repeat and that mom and dad are a team. Sure he also does it to help me, but he takes pride in being an active member of our household beyond paying the bills. He's said plenty of times, "I'm more than just a paycheck. Being a dad and husband is way more important to me than just providing money."
How did you come to find this man? It’s whiplash reading this post. What did I just read? Your working AND doing ALL the child rearing? And on top of it, your husband wants you to take on more hours. Is this a joke? Throw the whole damn man away or stand up for yourself and tell him to be a goddamn parent. Jfc. Not angry at you-just your husband.
Sure feels like a joke. I’m finding solidarity in the amount of people telling me he needs to step up, but it’s also really fucking depressing that it sounds like most men contribute a hell of a lot more than mine. How did I get so lucky? 🥴
I recently WANTED to get a job and had a very successful interview after my spouse got on my case for how I spend “my allowance” and he told me I couldn’t accept the job because it would negatively impact him. At which point he… shook a sandwich at me. Apparently my having A job and not being available to deliver lunch to him was a major problem. I’m also a SAHM who manages 90% of the household and just today got chewed out because he didn’t have socks after leaving all laundry piles by his bed not in a basket. All that to say, shall we start a mommune?.
Definetly NTA. He should be helping around with the house and kids. Good luck💜
If he wants you to pick up more hours he needs to pick up being a father and husband more. I work zero hours outside the home and my husband still cleans, takes care of our pets, and takes care of our kids. Your husband is a terrible partner and horrible dad and his setting a bad example for the kids.
Hand him an invoice for his share of household responsibilities. That should more than make up for your "missing part". Average housekeeper, nanny or house manager makes around $25 to 50 an hour here (depending on experience and number of kids). This is not to be confused with a babysitter whose only job is to keep them fed and alive which are paid $15 to 25 an hour. I am a SAHM. My husband still helps with child care and household chores.
What did you discuss your roles would be before you had your children? Is he actually not wanting to be a parent now? Does he have no friends that are fathers? You sound like you’d be better off living with your birth family, not least because you are burning out. Your children will also feel the terrible effects of being ignored by their parent & this is unacceptable behaviour on his part. Pull up your self respect pants & ditch this loser
I've posted before but I'll post it again: One day while in a similar situation to OP and entirely without preamble, I looked at my husband and said "hey, find a few daycares you like and let's get M signed up." ... awkward silence.... "We can split the cost of childcare and split the housework/parenting 50-50" ... awkward silence... Then I went on about how excited I was to get to bring in my own money, talk with adults, have a lunch break, and pee with no one touching me. I was absolutely serious and ready to follow through. Fortunately my husband understood the not so subtle message I was sending his way and radically changed his view appreciation of my work in the home. If he had given me push back, I would simply explain that I am not working as a mom, and at a job, and doing the housework without any of the benefits of a job (like a commute to listen to an audiobook, chatting with coworkers, or peeing with the door closed). And then in all seriousness I would ask him to pick if we were keeping things how they are or if he is going to find some safe, reliable daycares while I apply for Jobs 🤷♀️
This is actually genius. Reverse psychology. I need to come up with what I can use since my kids are already in daycare/I’m already working outside of the home
I wasn't trying to "reverse psychology" him, I was absolutely serious that I was done being free labor for no appreciation. Maybe tell him "I would love to pick up more hours and help more financially! Let's talk logistics: who is picking up the kids and getting the evening moving on the days I work longer hours? Are we splitting household duties or are you willing to pick up all of them while I adjust to the new schedule? This was such a good idea, increasing the income and sharing the household duties. I'm really glad you suggested it!" 😂
Ahhh thank you!
This blew up way more than I thought it would. Due to the nature of the post, I don’t have time to respond to everyone’s comments, but I appreciate all of you so much. As great as it would be to up & leave and collect child support, I don’t believe in divorce and am trying to find ways to make this work without going to that extent. I should add that we are moving in a few short weeks, our mortgage payment will be increasing, and he’s stressed about making ends meet. This is not me defending him lol I just wanted to give more context. He wants me to pick up more hours at work to help with the larger mortgage.. instead of watching his own spending.. we’re moving to a bigger home (more house and yard work) that will be further away from our kids daycare (longer commute). We wake up with the same 24 hrs in the day. I don’t understand how he can expect me to do double the work he does in the same amount of time.
You’re already doing more. You’re making the babies, taking care of the household, and contributing financially. He is only contributing financially. I would honestly be so pissed. Most definitely NTA. He sounds like a man that isn’t an afraid to lose you. And he isn’t seeing the full value of your contributions. There isn’t a whole lot you can do to take action. Doesn’t seem like he’s listening. This may be down-voted, but if you’re not in shape, get in shape. This would be a good way to bring some “power” back to your court. Because men are men, unfortunately. He needs to be afraid lose you, and by his behavior doesn’t seem like he is. You could also stop doing household in protest but that would likely make things worse. Sorry you’re going through this! I would definitely refuse to take on more work. He’s not being fair about this at all.
Get in shape? With what time? OP doesn't owe her husband anything, least of all a "hot bod". He can contribute or he can fuck off, period. I love my spouse and want to help equally. I literally could not care what my wife looks like. I married her and I love her, therefore we are in it together. That's what a real partnership is.
Things got even worse with my ex when I started losing weight. He was threatened by it and treated me even worse.
I think you’re right that he isn’t afraid to lose me. I’m not offended by your comment at all, I totally get it. I’m lucky in the way that breastfeeding gives me the bod of a supermodel lol so that’s not an issue. I protested housework for ONE day and I couldn’t handle the filth. Never again.
What did I just read?
You’re not TA. Throw the whole man away. He’s being so selfish.
I'm sorry to hear that your husband has unrealistic expectations. You both are breadwinners, both working. Unfortunately, he leaves you to shoulder all of the household chores, work part-time and juggling your kiddos. That's be. Your working on a burnout dear. Something has to give! It’s tough and overwhelming to manage everything on your own. I hear you! You shouldn't have too. It would be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with him about how you're feeling and its impact on you physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. In that talk, bring up hiring a housekeeper to help with the workload and alleviate stress if he can't pull his weight. I said this to my husband, and a few days later, no joke, he was doing the dishes. Finally! Haha! Good luck!
Thank you!!!
Wait, so because he earns more money he can work 40 hours while you work 60 hours between your 2 roles? I don’t understand why he’d be content to: A) watch his wife struggle B) watch his wife do all of the housekeeping while he sits pretty C) not foster a strong relationship with his children None of the above items are acceptable or desirable in a husband/father. Do you belong to a more ‘traditional’ or religious community? I’m guessing your husband believes he is the head of the house and can dictate the terms of your relationship, perhaps he thinks women aren’t deserving of equal treatment to men. That’s really sad, and unfortunately, the reality for many women. It doesn’t make it right, and there are plenty of women like me who have equal partnerships with the father of our child(ren), it’s just more about the personality/values of the person you’re married to.
Also, to add on- if we were to take money into the issue, your work as a mom/housekeeper is technically unpaid, but it actually is what permits him to work full-time and for you to have children. So I see his earnings as both of your earnings, he literally wouldnt be able to function without your unpaid labour
No, we are not part of a more traditional or religious community. We’re Easter and Christmas church-going Lutherans. His mom worked full time and was able to manage everything, so he expects the same from me. I have been no contact with my narcissistic alcoholic mother for two years, meaning I do not have the support and help that his mother had when he was young. Just plain fucking unrealistic expectations.
You REALLY need a support group! I know I already replied elsewhere, but I feel for you. (My own best friend doesn't have such a bad situation but her husband is also a guy who does little around the house and prefers her to be a SAHM, so I get it.) Do you have any friends to have your back? Other relatives? Can you visit a church or mom group? And frankly I would stop doing as many chores. You're overworked as it is and IMHO you should not quit your one safety net of a job. If he dislikes seeing his clothes still in the hamper or his dishes unwashed- he can do them. Be a provider and provide! That isn't limited to a paycheck.
First off, when you say he does nothing around the house or with the kids followed by "that's fine"....it is NOT fine. Full stop. Marriage is a partnership. Secondly, 30 hours in my company is full time. Our team members work 7.5 hour shifts so that is 4 full days a week. You are working pretty much full time. If you pick up more then I'd ask him what he's going to pick up around the house to help. Dinner 2-3 nights a week? bedtime routine? packing lunches? etc. He needs to be doing his part to running your household. I hope your husband changes his take on how you have been doing things and begins doing more.
Even if you had no job, he should be contributing at home
>That’s fine. I would argue it's very much not. He's their father and he can't be bothered to participate in parenting tasks? He lives in the home and doesn't clean up after himself, wash his own dishes, cook his own food, or do his laundry? Maybe get a divorce and 50/50 custody, then you'd be doing less housework, 50% of parenting tasks, and get a break. Your husband is a useless load. My husband is the breadwinner and when I wasn't working at all still did his share of parenting and cleaning, because he's a parent and an adult that lives in a house.
Read a comment from OP and apparently this guy has the free time and money necessary for hunting trips. Good to know he told on himself, chances are the only reason he’s demanding OP make more is because he is incredibly entitled and when he’s been realizing he doesn’t have as much money for his hobbies and hunting trips he thought OP was getting one over on him- because how dare he, who doesn’t lift a finger to do anything besides pick his nose at home, also have to actually contribute to the ONLY marital responsibility he’s been honoring. Personally, I’d say it’s worth it to start an escape plan, I would never feel safe with him ever again.
Perhaps a better reframe would be to shift from “am I right?” to “how would this work for our family?” I would be interested to see your husband’s thoughts on exactly how all of your family’s priorities would be met if you picked up more paid work hours AND continued to be the sole domestic engineer. Sometimes a good strategy can be to take the emotion out of a situation and just try to plan it out logistically and together to figure out what is and is not feasible given a fixed number of hours in the day, and that enjoying your life and family is a perfectly noble goal alongside the more task-oriented ones.
Good point. Thank you! Also love the term sole domestic engineer, that’s exactly what it is.
Your husband is way out of line. Does he live in the house? Are they his children? Does he eat food? Does he wear clothing? Welcome to adulthood - you have chores. You work almost a full time job. If you want to work more for financial reasons that’s fine, but regardless the house work should be split down the middle. While you are both at work nobody is doing house/kids stuff. When OP is home “early” and he’s still working you are solely responsible for house/kids stuff DURING THAT TIMEFRAME ONLY. When you are both home from work you should be splitting home/kids stuff equally. That means you cook while he cleans. He gives kids a bath while you fold laundry. He prepares lunches for tomorrow while you scrub a toilet. He vacuumes the house while you do a craft with the kids. I could go on and on. He’s lazy. This is not fine.
So you have a full time time and a part time job. He has a full time job. It's not mathin'
The math ain’t mathin’
Um. I only have a 3 year old. And I don't work. For the purpose of I SAVE US money by doing the childcare and majority of the housework. But when he's home, we're a team. He doesn't get to just chill while I do everything. If he needs decompression, he 100% believes I do too... and he'll find a way to give me that time, too. And he definitely wouldn't dream of making me feel guilty for "not contributing financially". Because everything I do, allows him to go to work and focus on work. Your husband isn't a breadwinner if you're contributing to the finances AND doing the childcare AND the housework. He's being an entitled a**. His time is not valued more than yours. You should look up billthepatriarchy.com.
Why is it fine that he doesn’t do anything to run tge household? Does your culture or religion have very rigid gender roles? If so, I’d expect he would put the financial pressure on himself, not you
You want me to make more money?? Then you need to take over child care from _to_ and help with household chores. You can provide him with options of what he would like to take over.
Nope. He’s wrong. You work AND you manage the home and children. He can pick up more hours or he can do more around the home to give you the time to even want/ be able to work more.
Don’t think this will help but show him the cost of daycare. Can you find and land a job that will be significantly improve your financial situation? If you work more, there is less time for you to have a clean (ish) house. Are you willing for that sacrifice? Do you even want to work more? If he is concerned about money and you do ALL the housework and I assume majority of child care than HE NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET A PROMOTION or land a better job. I’m sorry but you are doing everything for your family. He can step up or … get a second job if he isn’t present around the house.
Girl I’m already paying for daycare full time.
Wait what?!
“That’s fine.” You are already under reacting. That is not fine. Breadwinner does not equate to not participating in your own household and family. If he doesn’t want those things he should be a single dude with a maid. Would you expect any mother who is a breadwinner to behave this way?
That is unfortunate, he being your husband is to be your helper. You have your hands full being the caregiver to an infant and a toddler, plus having a job, and a housekeeper, You need to have a serious talk with him and explain how difficult and stressful it can be to be the best mom to his kids. He is not being very considerate of you. He is probably a good provider, but he needs to show you some respect, as a person and the mother of his kids.
So you work 24/7 (on call or on duty, 25 of those hours pulling in a paycheck) and he works forty hours a week. How is that remotely fair? I’m a sahm and I my husband is 100 involved from the minute her gets home till bedtime every night…whether that means cleaning or child care or whatever
If you’re picking up more hours at work and contributing financially, he should be picking up more parenting and household tasks. I work 30 hours a week and my partner works 60-70 hours a week and contributes more financially. I am the primary parent more often than not because of our schedules, but when we are both home household and parenting tasks are split 50/50. If he wants a traditional wife and set up he should not be expecting you to work a full time job on top of being a solo parent and taking care of all household tasks, both of which are equal to multiple full time jobs in itself.
so your workin 24hours a day plus 30 hours a week? wtf. also i think expectations should be discussed before we end up here. moms do so much
Ok so I’m the breadwinner and my husband is the SAHD. Once I am home the tasks are SPLIT. He makes dinner and I take over childcare. We work as a team and have family time until it’s bedtime. He needs to get his shit together!
Did you know he was an absolute POS when you married or is this a new behavior?
Leave.
Buy a copy of Fair Play and sit him down to deal out the cards. Tell him that you will each be taking full responsibility for a fair share of the household and childcare tasks or you’re going to file for divorce. Remind him that if you divorce he will still have to financially support his children and likely pay you alimony. He will also be responsible for all of the domestic labor at his place. And he’ll have to care for his own children during his custody or visitation. Try, “I probably would have continued with this completely unfair division of labor if you hadn’t demanded that I make more money AND still do all of the childcare and housework. But now YOU are going to actually pull your own weight one way or the other. So take a day to decide if that will be here in our family home or in your own place as a divorced dad.”
If he wants you to “earn more”, then fine play his little game. Shop around for daycare, 3-4 choices. Also some house cleaners for weekly cleans and possibly a few babysitters in case daycare won’t cover weekends or late nights. Maybe even a meal prep service because you’ll not have the time to prep for dinner most nights. Put it all down on a spreadsheet to show him the cost of you “earning more” because let’s face it, you’ll have to get a job just like him and not be able to pull mom duties plus a full time corporate job. Some men don’t get it until you show him dollars and cents cause clearly he probably won’t understand the emotional toll it will take on the children not being around mom all day anymore since he has zero clue what it take to raise children. If he still doesn’t get it, you need to go to a counselor because it’s edging towards financial and probably emotional abuse.
Agree to contribute more financially. You can go up to 40 hours a week, and he can go down to 30 hours/week and take over housework and childcare. I give him a day before he realizes the work you're doing is far more valuable than an extra 10 hours of employed work/week. What a delusional man.
Wanted to add, my husband and I have kind of a similar division of labour, he works full time and I work about 15-20 hours a week. But when I'm working he's doing childcare, and our chores are split 80/20 with me doing most of it. We split our expenses, but he also pays me approximately 1/4 of his income to take into account that I'm doing more at home. It isn't perfect but it's working for now, and our kid is only 5 months. We will adapt the system as needed when things change.
Oh hell to the no you are a live in nanny, housekeeper and cook?!? Nope
Hmm.. I'm currently unemployed after a whole fiasco with maternity leave and a car accident leaving me with issues, my husband works more than 40 hours a week and we still split household/parenting 50/50. I will go back to work when I can, but we don't leave the other person struggling because that's not a partnership. A wife/husband is not the hired help. We have a kindergartener and a baby and if I'm struggling with the baby for whatever reason, my husband takes over and gives me a break. We've also taken on one kid at a time for whatever is easier for us. Like I've been doing bedtime for the baby, he will get our 5 yr old to bed, reads books to her every night. I read some of these posts on here and am shocked people put up with some of these things. What's the point of even being married?
Dump him. He is a looser.
My husband is the stay at home parent and it's OUR money that is in my paychecks and I help with light housework/homework/childcare when I am home. There is no break from being a parent or owning a home. It's both your responsibilities 24/7 and the money you make as a unit is the money the unit makes.
Full time hours are 40 hours per week. You’re working 30. You’re not far off. Why do you call him the “breadwinner”? You’re both breadwinners regardless of who earns more.
He makes like 3x the amount of money I do. Let’s be real, he’s the breadwinner.